Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 658 - Jesse Thorn

Episode Date: October 27, 2020

Podcaster Jesse Thorn joins us to talk licorice, flu shots, and firecrackers.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 658 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is the Scare Master Supreme in this time of year, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I'm a real, uh, uh, boy. Scare Master Supreme is what I am. It's like, uh, I take the S master when I go to the gym and I, uh,

I do also this, uh, boy, what other gym equipment could be scary? The, uh, Oh boy. I feel like there's like a elliptical,

uh, is skull elliptical skull elliptical. Heloton. Would that work? I do a heloton. I do a skull elliptical. I do the scare master. And of course, I lift

weights. And that laugh may be familiar to all our MaxFun listeners. It's such a treat to have him here. He is the podcaster supreme. It's Jesse Thorne, everybody. Oh, what a joy it is to be here. I'm living...

Friends out there listening, if you're listening to Stop Podcasting yourself, you probably sit there and you got your headphones in. You think to yourself, all the things I would say to Dave and Graham if I were a guest. Well, I'm living the dream for you right now. Right now. And you're going to let us have it, right? We made it, listener. Yeah, Jesse is your surrogate uh for this one yes yeah should we get to know us yeah get to know us jesse jay though how are you you've never you've never been on the

the podcast proper we did a live podcast with you in there was lost to the there was lost to the ages thanks to a recording oh yeah right yeah and you were on you called in once on an episode with the episode of when we joined the network yeah um and people got mad at me why why i think i think i did a bit and people didn't think it was a bit oh but that means the bit really worked isn't that yeah yeah yeah if people are mad at you it's like uh borat if people are mad at you uh because of it great i've called in a couple overheards that dave uh complained about how i called them in yeah well you're because you don't call the number you just record a message with your beautiful microphone and then email it to never remember I can never remember the number. It's too close.

You're right into our ears and it's too close into our ears. And, but, so, uh, but yeah, no, I'm just, I'm a mad guy. Yeah, that's true. Dave's got a real anger problem. So yeah. He's a, he's a classic raging Cajun. That's right. Um, Jesse, how are you doing? doing how how are things in general well i

mean the world is horrible and uh my life is barely better but but i made a very nice stew okay well i want to know i want to know what type of pot you made it in assuming it was a pot uh what what color what texture bring us on a whole journey do you do you guys do are either of you guys uh crockpot users slow cooker enthusiasts i have done some crockpot you know stuff in the past when i was in college some mouth stuff some crockpot stuff david do you ever crock pot no i i uh i'll slow cook in a a dutch oven and i will uh you know i will uh instant pot which is you know not a crock pot it's like one step up it's it's fast crock well i have a question about your what do you what are you working with

on the dutch oven front is that a le creuset a staub it was a le creuset it was one year i uh like my siblings all said what do we want to give each other for christmas and uh i was like oh yeah i you know i made a list and one of them was le creuset uh le creuset pot and they got it for me and it was great, but I was like, Oh, we got, we got,

we got the rest of you like three things, but I guess this is expensive. So I, yeah, thanks. Yeah. They could have put like a teddy bear in there or something. Yeah.

Or like, you know, a Tracy Chapman CD. So what, what's your, what's your stew situation well i i'm gonna i'm not gonna lie to you guys i freestyled this stew i had i had bought some stew meat at the trader joe's and i usually don't buy stew meat usually i'll buy a you know i'll buy a piece of chuck and cut it up myself right but you know how you know how much I love home butchery. Yeah, yeah, that's right. What's your podcast called again?

The butchery-based one? The Butchery Boys. The Butchery Boys, sorry, I forgot. Yeah. I bought some stew meat, but then I remembered that I had bought, there's a meat guy at my farmer's market, and I bought a lamb shank from him because he doesn't usually have lamb.

And there was this lamb shank that, you know, there's only like six choices from the meat guy. It's just like a cooler. It's like buying door to door steaks from Bengal star Icky Woods. Does Icky Woods sell meat now? He sells meat door to door. That's true. door-to-door really yeah and and people make him do the icky shuffle of course they do that's how he closes all his sales yeah well wouldn't you yeah that's like a handshake if i could do it yes i would do

that's what they teach you at toastmasters if you have an eponymous shuffle yeah that's what they say that's what it says and how to win friends and influence people it says just do your shuffle that everyone loves curly or icky uh what uh is uh or the super bowl shuffle yeah if you were a member of the 86 yeah the truffle shuffle or the hustle shuffle i guess that's just the hustle yeah um uh so yeah so that okay go back to your meat guy where does he get his meat i mean from the from the from the beasts of the land oh he's he's a yes rapper what what he brings rapper he's a trapper. He's a huge, he's a huge man. Like just an enormous, an enormous dude. Significantly larger than me. And I'm like 210, you know, something like that.

But he's like one and a half me's. He's huge, very intimidating, very quiet meat man. He comes in a van and he has this big cooler. And there's just a board behind him he just writes six choices let's say bacon ground beef ground pork lamb shank and i was just like i'll buy a lamb shank from him lamb shank great and stew and then you know you're supposed to use some particular kind of wine but i don't know anything about wine i don't drink wine my wife drinks malbec that's her favorite wine that's a good one i think is that a red argentine red i think okay she likes malbec and so i just put some malbec in there so this really was a

freestyle you were just kind of you didn't even go with the meat you were gonna buy you went to a secondary meat supplier did Did you also get this? Did you mix the two meats? Yeah. This isn't kosher or whatever. I can mix meats if I want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

I know. I guess I'm not. I guess I'm, I don't know why I asked. I think, Dave, I think you're just too illiterate. It's a big problem with millennials. Well, educate Dave. He wants to learn. Yeah.

Did you suck on the bone when you were done? Passed around the family table. Everybody have a quick suck. Honk on this bone. You know, my stepmother is from Belfast in Northern Ireland and grew up in the Trou troubles in a family of like she has i think eight brothers and sisters of whom she's the youngest her father died when she was like four years old like grew up with no indoor plumbing in the 70s uh and 70s and 80s just

had to go to the backyard to go to the bathroom and it was just very serious scene at my stepmother's house and meat was at a premium at always at a premium like they got to eat meat once a week after her father died and they each would get one piece of bacon and my stepmother's idea of a funny story about her upbringing and my stepmother's idea of a funny story about her upbringing is once when they were having their sunday dinner where they each got one piece of bacon her sister i think it was her sister marion reached over to try and steal my stepmother's piece of bacon my stepmother stabbed her through the hand with a fork and she'll tell you that and then laugh just like you're laughing right now graham i love it i love that story so the pressure the pressure when my stepmother was around and meat was on the table

to to like leave no scrap unknoed was so intense like bones were being cracked and sucked at the table without question wow yeah dave have you ever sucked the bone uh my i get my parents aren't um from uh northern ireland nor are they from the the um uh depression but they were they were born in the 40s and so they they do have a little bit of that depression like leftover like my dad tells stories of like his favorite treat growing up was a, uh, a white bread with corn syrup on it. And you,

you, you dip it in milk and the corn syrup hardens. Your parents grew up in the little house on the prairie yeah yeah yeah oh man just the fact that somebody would have a bottle of corn syrup on hand i read those little house little house on the prairies with my uh with my daughter and i never read them as a kid and they're great honestly like they're really great i really enjoyed reading them there's some mild racism in there but um and that's the part you enjoy yeah yeah well you know i'm one of the i belong to the mild boys a group of mild racists stand by and stand away and stand around stand around but you know every every christmas in that book

the dad you know goes on a seven-day journey to the store you know to sell they're like the ox cart man to get the nintendo and he comes back and everyone gets a candy one maple candy and then they eat it and you're like not only did these like i you can wrap your head around the idea that these people didn't have ice cream which seems horrible enough you know what i mean but think about the fact that they could if they wanted candy they couldn't even have like a haribo or a twizzler something it's like the parents if they wanted candy they would just say remember the candy that's what you get to do you get to remember it savor that memory i'll sing you a christmas carol that will remind you of when you had candy at christmas oh man it's gonna be religious one. We want you to feel bad about having had the candy.

Oh, man. Oh, divine. The night when Christ was born. Candy night. Jesse, what's your favorite candy? Boy, what a difficult question well what do you know anything in the top five anything in the top five i mean and uh i guess i guess i mean when i and when i mean i mean what gray means yes go ahead uh i don't want to hear any obscuro san francisco candies i want to hear something you might get on a halloween well i mean i like gummies i love gummies i love uh peanut butter chocolate things

i mean i like i love reese's pieces i love reese's peanut butter cups i love take five bars a reason to take five bar uh i love all those things i can't really eat chocolate so candy for me because it's a migraine trigger for me so i kind of have to avoid it like i have a little bit once in a while but i kind of have to work around it and so all the like mostly chocolate things are off the table even though they are very good like a twizzler or uh like something in that department like a movie snack well we we had this conversation the other day on jordan jesse go about twizzlers where twizzlers since i grew up in san francisco that is more red vine country than twizzler country yes

yeah but that is i have a map that says yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you say soda or pop? And so I grew up eating red vines, and Twizzlers are much weirder and grosser than red vines, despite being more mainstream. Right. But there is something about this kind of sickening, melted plastic quality of Twizzlers and their weird semi-flavorlessness yeah these immensely appealing that means that i could just eat one and then just start and like chain eat them i uh yeah i saw like a clip on youtube where it was

people from countries that didn't have a certain product tried that product and it was people from korea uh were trying twizzlers and they were they were disgusted they couldn't they couldn't get through it they thought it was like this is chewing on vinyl this is insane it is i mean that is what it's like and somehow that quality of it is mesmerizing in a way yeah yeah yeah yeah i totally know do you have nibs down there is that a thing oh yeah absolutely yeah what are you what's your feeling on a nibs i here's the thing never a short short nib oh long nib mind nibs but like honestly part of what i like about a twizzler is putting it into my mouth like whatever perpendicular

typewriter style like nip nip nip nip nip nip nip nip you know like pushing into my mouth like a little kid eats a carrot like like like bug's bunny eats a carrot you know he goes and he goes deeper and deeper into his mouth as he takes bites i love doing that to a twizzler i love the way it feels that's how i'm gonna do it from now on i now that i know it's a sensory thing i'm i want to try it i we didn't did we have red vines in canada at all not until like there was always a some store that had like stuff from england and stuff from america and i remember red vines being a big big show did they come to did they come to um uh to canada with the like uh

craft services table for battlestar galactica yes yeah they did that's how they met to get it through the border. Yeah. Yeah. And if you, but if you tried when you, you ended up with a branding of Keith Raniere's initials on your hoo-ha. The, my, we'll all go around and give our top Twizzler memories. Mine is cutting, biting the either end of a Twizzler off so it's hollow in the middle and then drinking a Slurpee with it.

And then it becomes so hard and stiff. Yeah, a Redvine is much better for that because I was going to name that as my Redvine memory at summer camp. Do Redvines have a hole in the middle? Redvines have a much more hole in the middle than most Twizzlers. Some Twizzlers are perfectly round. Most Twizzlers? Well, some twizzlers are flatter than other twizzlers it depends on the type of

twizzler that's true they they're not uniform the way they should be yeah and they are they greasy stick to the bag too i enjoy that i like that the inside of the bag is somehow greasy do you know what they're made of car parts wheat flour flour. Isn't that bizarre? I looked at the ingredients. Wheat flour is the number two ingredient after sugar. I'm going to start making my own Twizzlers. Yeah. Then I'll sell them at the farmer's market. Everyone's getting into baking.

I'm just going to, I've got the flour. Yeah. I'm going to start making my own Twizzlers. What are the ingredients in red vines i mean i guess wheat flour i couldn't tell you i haven't looked i don't know i honestly don't know if i've had red vines i've had something that was a red licorice that wasn't uh twizzler and it was very it got right up in my sinuses and uh is that because you pushed it too far and then it came out of your mouth? Yeah.

Well, I was trying to get a licorice all sorts out of it. Sure. You'd just been to the British goods store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If licorice got you into this problem, licorice will get you out of this problem. Handle your business, licorice. Licorice, come get your boy i uh when i was a kid my brothers and i would whip each other with twizzlers that was a very popular and we were told not to but we still managed to find a way yeah nature finds a way exactly

my parents looked away for a second man i bet if you could give a dinosaur a twizzler he'd love it oh absolutely they love they're just happy to be alive at that point where did that come from life of life finds a way i just feel like if you if you're a let's say you're a duck bill sure you spend your whole life eating ferns out of the bottom of a pond or whatever. Out of a gully. Yeah, some fucking gully. One of these gullies you hear so much about. And then somebody gives you

one of those tasty, waxy little Twizzlos. Oh, man. You think you died and gone to heaven. Yeah, if you had never had a Twizzler before and all you were eating was roughage you're right it would probably blow their mind but they probably wouldn't be able to keep it in the very log

they would turn straight to Mrs. Duckbill and they'd say quack quack quack and in Duckbill talk that means you gotta get a load of these Twizzlers I didn't know that that's how they talked. I didn't know they talked. No, they did. They did talk.

They had a language called duckbill and it consisted of quacking. And interestingly, they had a word for Twizzlers despite the fact that this was the first person who had ever, the first duckbill who had ever eaten a Twizzler. Yeah.

Yeah. And despite the fact that there was red vine country yeah exactly west coast literally probably it was more of a carl's juniors than a hardy's situation yeah yeah yeah now which one wait wait which one is hardy's i get lost hardy's is the east coast one carl's junior is the west coast one same company it's the same restaurant but they just couldn't sell it as carl's jr is the west coast one same company it's the same restaurant but they just couldn't sell it as carl's in the one part they they did have a kind of an east coast west coast rivalry and carl was murdered by suge knight yeah uh we'll never know who did it that's the thing we'll never know um well let's wrap it up um the uh do they uh do red vines come and do they have a halloween

fun-sized red vines because they have like a two-pack speaking of west coast of twizzlers you can buy red vines at the movie theater but generally speaking the only form in which you buy red vines you know practically realistically is in a vat they come in a vat like this you know a big a big tub with a plastic lid which is why they're the official candy of crafty oh right you go to any television production and there's a giant vat of red vines sitting on the desk and you can't stop eating because they're just there there's hundreds of them and they're pointed up at you like eat me eat me yeah and like you're uh on a film set you're supposed to like yeah and like you're uh on a film set you're supposed to like you know maintain a weight and a look from uh different you know the whole time that you're shooting something not if you're like

a grip no yeah the grips also have to be in shape that's the grips the grips have to have continuity from from start to finish yeah yeah everybody does i think especially the key grip yeah he's central to the whole thing. It's right there in the name. Sure. Yeah, and if he's out of shape, then everybody else is going to feel like they could get out of shape. Dave, I bet if you were on a film set,

the first thing that would happen, you'd get involved in those red vines, and pretty soon you're demoted to worst boy. Yeah, that's true. No, I'm usually, if you um in the credits of most films i'm uh usually listed as assistant to mr yankovic and by most films i mean uhf uhf and naked gun naked gun yeah the two prime sightings i have not been on many uh that many television sets but i've been on some

and it's always it's almost always the most bargain basement giant vat of red vines and giant bowl of m&ms the end sometimes even generic m&ms and looking back doesn't the fact that there was a bowl of m&ms blow your mind. People were all reaching in with their hands and eating M&M's. It just seems like a million years ago. It's like smoking on a plane. My co-host on Jordan, Jesse Goh, Jordan, used to work on this show called At Midnight that aired on Comedy Central here. And it was, you know, most ways, totally normal normal television production except that in the green room because i like went to visit him at the show a couple times uh in the green room there was a

selection of candies that was so so unspeakably extraordinary that it was it was as though they had hired a 12 year old with a Costco card to be in charge of that. Like it, it was orgiastic. Wow. What are we, what are we talking?

What are the candies? We're doing it with each other. Like what was the Twizzler doing to the M&M's? And Graham, they were doing it in the butt. That's some advanced stuff. Literally like the only experience I had ever had like it was so exciting there i mean it was every kind of candy and they were all in individual wrappers but like not the tiny ones not fun size right like one oh it was gorgeous like a beef jerky

when i like a single twix when I got married to my beautiful wife, Teresa, um, she and I had a, a not very complicated wedding. Cause we just didn't, we didn't have a lot of money to throw at it. Right.

The one thing that, uh, the one thing that I pushed for and was like my fiefdom in the wedding was that I would get to make a candy bar. Just the one? And just one. I wanted to invent my own type of candy bar. Yeah, and I wanted everyone to watch. The Baby J.

Oh, what's in that? But I got to go to the wholesale candy store. Okay. Which is in here in Los Angeles. it's in uh i think it's in city of industry or something it's by it's by this outlet mall called the citadel and you go into this it's open to the public you go into a warehouse like a real working warehouse with uh you know uh people driving around on what are warehouse vehicles called forklifts forklifts thank you all i had was pitchforks people driving around on forklifts

they give you one of those uh they give you one of those like uh flatbed fork forklift cart things that has you know the pump that pumps up higher but you but also has a flat bed on it a pallet yeah and a pump trolley and you just go and pick up gigantic retail sized packages of candy or if you want flats of those and you can pick as many as you want you have to pay at the end but you can pick as many as you want it's amazing what did you buy the most of uh candy cigarettes popeye style uh yeah popeye okay all right yeah you know the kind of bubblegum cigarettes where you go and smoke comes out but the smoke is powdered sugar oh yeah i did i remember that but they came in like a actual look like an actual cigarette pack which was exactly what i was in it for and i wanted those

so bad at my wedding and i got them and everybody was pretending to smoke bubblegum cigarettes it was great it was a lot of fun at our wedding we had an adult man we had a candy bar but it was very i don't remember if it was more than just m&ms but it was like we discovered you could get m&ms in like any color you wanted and you could order them and we had like three wedding colors um brown dark brown and deep brown deep brown uh and uh yeah so we just had like a colorful candy set up candy is great because it tastes good uh-huh that's the main reason that's totally it's well it tastes good it really puts your teeth to the test um it gives your pancreas a workout and uh you know what it just makes you happy that's

the thing eating sugar makes you happy yeah the end right finding a doctor who will contradict this i don't think you'll find one yeah i i had a uh my friend ben harrison a fellow max fund host ben harrison yeah his mom heard his mom heard that uh my family was having a tough time in the pandemic world and And, uh, she sent us a hundred dollar gift certificate to the fancy ice cream store. Ooh. And I mean, there is nothing, nothing that could possibly be more thoughtful than just,

except a hundred dollars. Doesn't go very far. The fancy one. Yes, that's true. We only got like eight pints out of it. But they were great. They were great pints.

What exactly makes the fancy ice cream store so fancy? I have really strong ice cream. Dave, I know you're an anti-fancy ice cream guy. You're like Dairy Queen and Foster's Freeze all the way, right? No, I like fancy. fancy ice cream guy you're you're like dairy queen and foster's freeze all the way right no i like fancy but i i don't like um uh like the weird you know i don't want anything with balsamic vinegar in it uh but but i like the the higher end of you know your store-bought ones where like the first ingredient if it says modified milk ingredients you run yeah yeah with the exception of dairy queen which is

uh my i guess my favorite restaurant he votes for it every year and the best of the city poll it comes in last it gets one vote that gets two votes one from dave shumka and one from dairy king yeah dairy king wants to vote for his wife friend of larry king larry king's actually he changed his name for show business his birth name was dairy king he changed his first name for show business because his name was adolf that's why we went it was to this place called salt and straw which is i think believe portland-based small chain i think i've been to that in portland yeah and it's it's really really good and the only one that we bought that was

balsamic vinegar was pears and blue cheese and i had the experience that i often have with those balsamic vinegar flavored ones which is i took a bite of it and i thought well that's better than you think it'd be yeah um but it's not a good type of ice cream yeah and then i was done eating it yeah you know what i mean like give me a peanut butter give me a peanut butter chocolate fudge fleck or whatever just a regular give me vanilla yeah exactly what would be if you were designing the new neapolitan what would be the three flavors wow this is a thrill this is yeah this is a good ram you should become a professional podcaster yeah you should this is the content people crave what are your neo-neapolitans so they have the three the three have to go together they can't just be your three

favorite flavors no they have to be in one block that you cut like you wouldn't want to do mint mint chocolate with uh you know um boys and strawberry right yeah wow well i mean my first thought is to go with something chocolate something peanut butter and something vanilla okay um or even something chocolate something peanut butter and something caramel but i can't i personally can't eat chocolate ice cream i love chocolate ice cream like if my wife gets it i will take a lick of it or whatever yeah tastes great but i since i can't eat chocolate ice cream i'm gonna go wow oh this is hard this is hard buddy yeah for two two ice cream freaks like yourself this is the toughest question that could ever yeah for me it's easy i go with

something old something new right something borrowed i guess i need four flavors yeah no it would come in a blue box so there you go that's how you round that out yeah um it's appropriate that we're recording this at night i mean the freaks are out graham yeah and especially this time of year they're gonna see a lot of Jack Skellington tattoos on display that are hidden the rest of the year, but are allowed on the 31st. I have an important question. This is not related to what would be our Neapolitan, but it's related to Freaks Coming Out at Night.

Yeah. When I was a child, and I'm talking about child, child, four, five, six years old. Yeah. This is my three favorite songs number one time after time yes by the classic forks cindy lops cindy lopper it was uh it was in the it was in the jukebox at maria's restaurant a diner near my house that was known to my family as dollar breck because you could get breakfast for a dollar there nice um

so go there have some have some uh pancakes listen to time after time number two jump parentheses for my love by the pointer sisters oh okay that was a song that my preschool teacher used to put on when it was dancing time yep yeah and i always loved it still do if i hear it i get pumped and i want to dance around like a four-year-old we're so what we're doing right now is we're hearing your childhood musical neapolitan yes yeah but the other one is the freaks come out at night by houdini now how i heard this song what i understood about it if that wasn't the third one and you just made this weird transition speaking of freaks come out at night it's power of love by huey lewis i have no idea why or how i came to love the freaks come out at night so much as like a five-year-old

but it was a passion of mine i mean I remember thinking about it and singing it to myself. That was like Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go when I was like a kid. Somehow I got my hands on a record single that was just that. And I would just keep moving the needle back. As soon as the song was done, put it back. Listen on headphones. What was your Neapolitan besides? So that's number one, right? Yeah, that's number one.

I mean, probably the ghostbusters theme probably snuck its way in there you know i watched ghostbusters the other day with my kid in the ghostbusters theme which you know a blah blah blah blah blah to knock off of the huey lewis song and they just got sued in court ray park whatever whatever whatever the ghostbusters theme rules yeah it's fucking awesome to be fair like i don't i don't hear it as being that huey lewis-y no me neither like i when if you if you gun to my head i don't think i don't think i don't know what i'm supposed to do with a gun to my head but like if they're like just differentiate yeah or like figure out what's similar about these yeah it'd be like the groove this is huey lewis holding a gun to your head

yeah yeah yeah um and then the third kid's song was probably a michael jackson maybe a an 80s michael jackson song would be like not not beat it but maybe bad maybe yeah earlier than bad like it would have been around beat it probably uh no that was on that was on bad wasn't it oh jesus we are here to save the world from captain neo yes there you go that's it i did go on the captain neo ride and it was the best thing i had ever seen in my life and uh, uh, I don't like, I don't know. I can, I can only remember it. Just like your in-laws can just remember that one piece of candy every year. I just remember Captain EO and his in-laws, Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Dave, what were your three? If it was the, like, if you're talking like age five, I don't really have three. Maybe like Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves, which was, I was on the record at the time. That was my favorite song. And to this day, if my siblings hear it, they'll hey dave your favorite song that's good uh maybe sledgehammer oh that's for gabriel and then uh boy what is something that would have like really appealed to me as a kid like honestly probably eat it more than beat it yeah that's true also when i was a kid my mom has told me that uh some uh christians came to their door like trying to get them to convert to christianity and gun to your head and they gave us a record i don't know why but it was something called like

butterfly symphony and i made my mom play it like 10 times a day and i would dance to it but i have no idea i can couldn't tell you what the song is or where to find it but it's uh apparently i loved it i used to borrow from the main library in san francisco the lp of whoopi goldberg's one woman broadway show and listen to it over and over. And like looking back on it now, like I literally there, I could, I could do parts of it verbatim. I listened to it so many times,

but I'm like, what did this number one, why did a seven year old who gave that to a seven year old? The answer is my mother. But like, how did I, how did she give me that and not eat it right she said because she saw her on comic relief and she was like this is this is good this is what could possibly have appealed to me about whoopi goldberg's one woman show

it was whoopi goldberg coming door to door trying to get people to convert to now that i think about it whoopi did have a gun to my head so maybe that's what it was just fear now back to our neapolitan ice cream okay so uh also you have to do them in order like you have to decide what is the middle chunk yeah i mean if if can i pick existing like branded things or do i have to yeah well no and if this goes this is your neapolitan flavors okay my my the first chunk we have haagen-dazs uh chocolate peanut butter yeah in the middle the middle, you know what, I'll save the middle.

Yeah. On the other side, we have this place up the street, Rain or Shine Ice Cream here in Vancouver does a, what is it?

It's like a, it's got like that toffee, no, that sponge toffee in it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know. The malted milk. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. The malted milk. Yeah.

Yeah. Malted milk. That one. Yeah. And then the middle? Vanilla. Okay. Yeah.

Sticking with it. Trying it through. Yeah. You know, there are some Jordan Jesse Go listeners who own an ice cream store, Sweet Action in Denver, Colorado. Wow. That's amazing. I bet they're

stop podcasting yourself listeners too they're general max funsters they um do they have crazy one crazy forearm and then the other one not as crazy oh yeah yeah like james spader um do you want to get can they mail us yeah mail us some ice cream i would like to be mailed some ice cream at all times i'm willing to accept being mailed some ice cream yeah i ordered some really fancy coffee for my wife okay borat jordan jesse god thanks he's back in the news timely um uh my the people who sent it somebody there was a max fun listener and sent some extra coffee or a little note or something. I can't remember.

Um, and that's great except that I don't drink coffee and in fact can't drink coffee. So I feel like I am not getting the benefit of that. Right. And ice cream is the thing that I want. I want specifically, I want it sits, sorry to bring up a san francisco

thing dave but i want it's it's the san francisco ice cream sandwich but short of that i would take any premium ice creamery that's sending me free ice cream out of like fandom or whatever are any is any ice cream place sending any ice cream ever is that that seems like yeah yeah like if you had straw millie ice cream jenny's omelia ice cream yeah if you what do you have like um uh like the stuff that does fake smoke what is that dry ice yeah abby gets smoothies delivered in dry ice but they're delivered local like i think it's just a local company. And then, but I feel like, like anytime we get one of those meal prep packages. Yeah. From whatever sponsor on the show.

There's so much just like wasted, like. Dry ice that could be being used to make fake smoke. No, just so much like, oh, we make make fake smoke no just so much like oh we make the fake smoke but we can't but just like so much packaging that is like uh you know these were ice blocks and then but also there the cardboard it was sent in is like foiled cardboard that is and i don't want i don't want any of that yeah you want somebody to just slingshot it through your window yeah i guess like can you bring me like can the flash bring me ice cream you want to just give out your address and see if anybody stops by uh no i guess not uh we have a p.o box yeah if you want to just open your p.o box and

ice cream stripping out yeah i uh it's just on one of the weeks I don't go check it and it just floods the box and all its surrounding friends. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Did you guys notice about 10 minutes ago when I spilled so much wine? No! I spilled

red wine all over a full glass of red wine all over this table, all over my other computer. Oh, geez. There's a few drops on the carpet, but it won't be a problem. I was thinking when I opened this red wine, I was like, red vines to red wine. Yes. That's what we'll call this episode. That's good.

Yeah. You could drink a red wine through a red vine.'d be fun like a sangria yeah you ever um gotta get a bug just so you know uh for the at-home listener we are uh we are all on camera as we speak to each other and dave reached towards the camera like he was in captain eo guys i'm so bad at getting this bug trying to catch a bug well the 3d effect was terrifying i was over here like like i was like there was a train running at me and i was diving out of my nickelodeon seat here's how bad i am at catching that bug it landed on my hand and i couldn't even catch it oh man it was spent a couple seconds on my hand and i was like well fair is fair get off my hand and i'll catch you no wonder you get no respect um i uh i was thinking when i bought this wine i was like

oh uh remember in commercials how wine was the hardest thing to get out of like laundry oh yeah sure wine and blood blood is the big one that's my neapolitan blood wine and grass stains there you go um what's what's going on with me is uh got my flu shot oh yeah congratulations dave doing your part keep healthy So the other day I was I went to Shoppers Drug Mart Which is

A local Drugstore Think Like Jesse Imagine if like A CVS And a Walgreens

Did it Okay In the butt or Yeah Just for fun If that's what you need And They were They had a sign up saying get your flu shots so i went and there was a line out the door from the pharmacy to the door wow

and i so i did the thing where i pretend i was coming in the store for something else yeah just gonna get some nachos here and a pregnancy test and a home colostomy bag someone else was sitting in the chair where they were being administered flu shots and you just dove into the shot and like a like a secret service guy protecting the president yeah like ving rames protecting dave and i uh i once got a flu shot this big so i got my god i'm just tough of when i tried to pay for it and realized i forgot my wallet so i i wouldn't have been able to get a flu shot anyway yeah like you can't just give it like i'm good for it man just well if you i i don't have to pay for it because i have small children right uh

it's free if you have kids under five um so i went but they don't even check you can graham you could just say you have kids under five oh they didn't i have to do it because i've got the asthma so that's why that's why i get a free every year but do you have to didn't i have to do it because i've got the asthma so that's why i get it free every year but do you have to prove do you have to prove yeah they make me run up and down the aisles until i start wheezing and then they go you got it you got it bro you got the good uh wheeze it up nerd and then i uh so i i was like okay well it's like four o'clock maybe i'll come back at like the dinner hour and no one will be wanting to get a flu shot. Right.

And I did. And I walked right up and I said, I'll take a flu shot. And they were like, come back in half an hour. So I went and I took a walk, uh, and, uh, on my walk as I was heading back to, to get my flu shot. Who did I run into? Graham Clark. Oh, isn't that lovely? Get my flu shot.

I was saying, I'm going to get my flu shot. And you're like, it'll be quite a wait. Because you had just been and you were taking your 30 minute walk. Yeah. And you know what I did in that 30 minutes? Went across the street, had an ice cream. Oh, aren't you smart. Here in the United States,

the government actually requires us to take a little fucking walk every day. Like, there's a little fucking walk around the neighborhood. They send you, Dr. Fauci sent us a letter that says every day, take a little fucking walk. Just go for a little walk. Does he give you, like, a little map of the way that he little fucking walk just walk give you like a little map of the way that he would like you to walk or is it just freestyle you can do whatever you want

no he sends us a gif of how he'd like us to watch that's good mostly it's like arms akimbo but you kind of got to sway you know put some flavor into it my friend's uh boyfriend lives in australia or his he's from austral Australia and his mother was sick. And so he went back to Australia during COVID. Wow. And at the time they were so strict on the quarantine that, well, I think they still are, but they meet you at the airport and take you to your hotel. That sounds nice. Which is paid for.

That sounds nice. Now you have to pay for it. Ugh. But at the time, like the hotel was paid for, you cannot leave your room for a week except, and I might be getting this wrong, but I believe she said except you can take one 15-minute walk a week. That sounds like paradise to me.

I got to say, everything about that, I've got a hotel room to myself. I never have to leave. You know what? I'll skip the 15-minute walk. I don't want it. Graham, I don't think I've ever known a greater hotel room enthusiast than graham clark i love him i love him and this this whole uh pandemic i have not been able to stay in a hotel and i'm missing them i miss them and then i think i heard that like uh some of the guards were you know letting people take longer walks in exchange for sexual favors and it was uh oh no

australia i mean as advertised um so anyway went for my walk came back got my flu shot and i'm i'm i feel like invincible yeah except for the day after kind of sore yeah but then then the deadly disease that could kill you at any time yeah oh that i hear that's just a flu oh okay got it um there was a big pretty big rally downtown of the uh no mask folk yeah they're getting uh you know they're picking up steam yeah there was three people at the pasadena farmers market the other day and i said to myself i'm looking at these people i'm like first i thought what are these people tabling and i was like why are these people not wearing masks then i put the two together oh these people are tabling for not mask wearing yes yes and i what i had to kind of tip my cap to them because there was three dorkuses

representing different genders and ethnicities like not all the same kind of dorkus but a little variety pack of three dorkuses and they had come right to the belly of the beast i mean if you're a no mask person and none of them were like big mooks with goatees you know motorcycle guys or something they were little political tabling dorks yeah and the and if you want to find somewhere to have people who voted for marianne williamson yell at you she was the capacity in the farmer's market is the place to be she was the mother on the brady bench yeah right did you guys get that in canada we got something like it it was called the syrup gang and it was very you guys get to do you guys get to vote for president or do you just get stuck with whoever we vote for

we don't know we get yeah we we just get to watch yeah but you're into that we yeah i'm in the corner uh losing my religion tuck the boat i we do get a knot in our stomach over it yeah yeah i mean guys i did my part i already voted i voted for kanye so i think he can do this i like that he's got the numbers yeah you just have to get that vote out there right um um i uh i voted for ice cubes hat yes ice cubes photoshopped trump hat yeah and 50 cents tweet uh how did he spread the word i don't know uh anyway i'm um how was your flu shot uh yeah it was it was good it was on the money who'd you get uh i got 50 cent um i got a woman who seemed very, I think she was very tired of doing this. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I had her. And he had to go into a fake office. That was my favorite part. He had to go into this fake office that just was clearly only used for this purpose. With Jim and Pam. In Canada, the government gives you flu shots yes um if yeah i think they would what's it probably would cost twenty dollars if you don't if you

don't meet one of the like requirements asthma small child elderly person yeah uh big thing on your neck yeah like a boil yeah or a goiter yeah but it's it's really the honor system if you're like i got an oiter i've got a goiter where it can't i can't i'm not gonna i'm just gonna pull out enough to win off my pashmina you say trust me um that's not just a half inflated balloon i found in a dumpster with the pashmina oh jesse's doing his pashmina signature pashmina materials jim gaffigan's got hot pockets i've got pashminas yeah what are the biggest pashmina materials materials you think cashmere silk yeah probably well i'll have

to check when oprah comes out with her favorite things this year yes oh man i've been waiting this that's my christmas is the day she does that what's going on with you graham uh i i'm you know this this month i love it i love october I love the ramp up to the spooky thing. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why. Well, and it's also fall, so I get to wear pants again, which I'm very excited about. It's nice.

It's very fall-y. It's Rocktober, so you can rock whatever you want. I can rock all the way to the bank, as they say, because I cash what? My rock money? I'm not sure how that goes but uh the neighborhood in which dave and i both live is the people are going like i've never seen so many houses have like a full halloween setup it's my old neighborhood there was none it was only kids with fireworks lighting them off into everybody's backyard and uh now i'm in a new neighborhood it's like every other house has done this like a crazy big display and uh i don't even

know if the kids are even allowed to go yeah yeah i don't know yeah uh i i bet we're not doing we're not going out but it's fun it's a fun spooky uh time to like there's nothing you can't spread disease by you know scaring somebody decorating yeah i guess that's what i'm getting at but like i know this morning the the premier of ontario was answering questions by reporters that were very mad that he was saying that they can't have Halloween. That's, that's like, I don't know if they were from the spooky times or what.

Reporters look forward to Halloween all year long. Yeah. The Transylvania, pick a year. But yeah, this neighborhood is really going for it and I love it. And I will be going on regular walks to see what everybody's up to house-wise. I want to carve a pumpkin, but I don't know where I would put it once carved.

Do you have a window? Yes, I have a window. Just the one. But it goes out into the alley? Do you have any front window? No, it's just alley windows. You can just give it straight to the raccoons. Just leave it out with a note.

Yeah. Poor raccoons, not to enjoy by kids. We saw some daytime raccoons the other day. What the? Ooh. I think they were lost. Yeah, because they. What were they looking for, nighttime?

Yeah, they were looking for, they were trying to escape into some kind of time portal yeah into the land of nod um there was speaking of firecrackers there was a giant fire on your street oh yeah last week and uh like five businesses burned down and they say it was firecracker related i believe that because the firecracker this is the last year they're doing it in vancouver there there'll be no more fireworks. You know what? People are going to buy them anyways. Now you've just created a black market for fireworks.

That's all. That's fire. Do our fireworks something around Halloween where you come from, Jesse? No, they're a 4th of July. And by 4th of July, I mean this year,

May 1st to August 20th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was horrible. It was so horrible. 4th of July I mean this year May 1st to August 20th yeah yeah yeah it was horrible it was so horrible they're illegal in Los Angeles but it doesn't it doesn't stop you I mean it might stop Canadians it would stop no it doesn't no no we we're very

yeah I've I've hated them basically since I became a dog owner yeah dogs and dogs and babies it's horrible but I've hated them basically since I became a dog owner. Yeah. Yeah, dogs and babies, it's horrible. But it was truly like our, it was like being in a shooting scene from The Untouchables the entire month of June and July.uly like it was horrible it was brutal and you were pushing your kid in a stroller down the two month long uh yeah staircase stop podcasting yourself colin a tribute to the visual inventiveness of brian de palma um so uh fireworks bad fire bad as frankenstein would say yes also the kind of fireworks that you

can buy are not that cool what do you mostly just go like too many of these fireworks are the kind that just go bang yes or just have like one orange light that goes up into the sky yeah buy buy fireworks that do cool stuff well i remember the kind that were like a little spinny thing yeah there's a spinny guy you nail them to the thing and they spin yeah a little spinny thing you nail it to the thing yeah um is there a differentiation between crackers and works firewise crackers seem like they mostly make noise right yeah yeah works uh you know they work yeah they better work that's like the kind in like a cartoon about uh chinatown yes you know what i mean wow a long string oh yeah yeah of like tiny sideways tnt

sticks yes yes yes i know what you mean. I, I love, like I remember as a kid, the fireworks, like the, the fun ones were like the visual ones were really fun. Sure. Uh, uh, and then the,

like when some, some other kid was like, I got us, I got some firecrackers. You'd be like, you, I would think, Oh,

I'm going to get in trouble for this. Yeah. Uh, count me out. But it's, it's not a thing it's not a canada wide thing this fireworks no it's a it's a it has some origins in our uh i the one theory i heard was it had something to do with the fact that vancouver has a big british and chinese population and halloween comes before uh um guy fox day right and the china like you

could get the firecrackers in chinatown and somehow they lost the plot and it became a halloween thing yeah and in winnipeg there's a full-time year-round fireworks store which i think is amazing because uh they do all their business i assume in the summer yeah sure because it's winnipeg and yeah it's very cold yes um also this is something that i recall not a specific movie but a slow motion uh kind of kids running around with sparklers and that's supposed to be like a picture of americana did you ever run around with sparklers and that's supposed to be like a picture of americana did you ever run around with sparklers i don't think i did absolutely one one thousand percent i did yeah and it was absolutely tremendous that thing where you're at in the dark you can like make shapes with them

you can spell your name great yeah sparklers are great i know that I just voiced my opposition to all fireworks, but I take it back for sparklers, which are wonderful. What's your Neapolitan ice cream of fireworks? Well, I'm going to say number one, you've got sparklers, you've got those things that turn into colorful snakes. Yes.

And then, of course, you've got the thing that you nail to the thing and it spins around. Yeah. Did you ever do a burning schoolhouse? Was that a thing? No, what's that? That's where you just light a schoolhouse on fire?

It was a little, like, it said school on it. It was a little building made of paper and you burnt it. And maybe, I don't think there was even, like, gunpowder in it. I think it just burnt. Talk about burning down the house. The schoolhouse, that is. Mm-hmm. Is this like burning burning something you're

welcome like do you get um yeah i guess it's like a um uh kind of like a voodoo thing okay yeah um uh yeah so that's right they're building up my street bunch of the businesses all got uh burned down and then that same day they had to tear down what was left with a giant machine. And I watched that thing. Like I was five years old. I couldn't stop watching this giant machine just tear through things like a dinosaur looked like a dinosaur.

And it was, it really brought me back. I haven't thought about machines that much in my adult life, but I was like, huh, this is very satisfying to inner younger graham yeah it's i remember when we used to uh on our commute for a long time with the kids there was a uh just a construction site that we would go past and it had a leopard or not leopard a zebra print like digger what excavator just like they had painted this

excavator zebra print and it was just like the kids loved oh yeah in this big zebra zebra excavator that's amazing that excavator originally belonged to jaja gabor i was gonna say liberace so we both got into the same area the area in question is las vegas nevada 1961 so i've watched uh a big machine at work and i've been this this whole month i've been watching a spookathon every night new horror movie every night. A horror movie a night? Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And there's... Yeah, pretty much every night there's been a horror movie.

Maybe a double feature that's a horror movie and then some lighter fare. So, yeah, you're allowed to watch a non-horror movie, but you've been doing... It's the 20th and you've watched at least 20 horror movies? Maybe. I would say we've watched at least 15. So, 15 out of of time all new or

no i watched the texas chainsaw massacre but new to you new to me yeah yeah that uh have you guys seen that movie it's crazy it's one of the craziest movies i've ever seen i'm so scared of horror movies scram so scared i saw the shining in high school english class and carrie oh yeah carrie i also saw in high school english class it was a weird english class yeah and uh that's like i think those might be the only scary movies i've ever seen the movie sexy beast with ben kingsley that was very scary to me yeah that's that's, that's one of my top, uh, spooky movies of the year.

That's in your Neapolitan. Yeah. Yeah. My Neapolitan of scary movies. Both of scary movies and of Ben Kingsley movies. Yeah. I, my,

yeah, my scary movies are like, uh, Sexy Beast, The Limey, uh, any kind of moody British, uh, fair. Um, yeah. So, uh, the limey uh any kind of moody british uh fair um yeah so uh if you've never seen it

the texas chainsaw massacre involves a chainsaw for sure and is surprisingly not gory there's only two kind of things that are visually gory and everything else is just happens off screen and uh which people will say that makes it all the scarier because then you're using your dumb imagination and picturing it wilder than they ever could have shot it but uh it's weird at the end of the movie the bad guy uh the main bad guy is called leather face yeah at the end of the movie you feel feel bad for him, which is a twist on a horror movie that I've never, you feel like, oh, he tried his best to be a horror guy and he missed the mark. Do you think, Graham, that had they, given that they made this choice to have this action off screen so it happens more in your twisted imagination. Yeah.

screen so it happens more in your twisted imagination yeah do you think that there are some people who watch this film and they imagine it happening like they imagine leather face lifting the famous chainsaw and he brings it down he's you know slicing a birthday cake yes yes i think some people's imaginations are so pure that's so sick whoa that's gross um the other day abby put like she had finished watching something on uh some device and then switched back to a regular cable sure and was just like flipping through the channels and then she settled on one of the halloweens oh yeah and and like what but like wasn't watching it just like oh let's put this on as background noise uh the way i would put on like seinfeld or the seasons or jazz put on some jazz yes please give it a bop and uh that's how you request jazz by the way hi you've reached kjzz what can i play for you can you play take five scribbity bop

and she put so i just saw michael myers on the screen and it's like halloween or whatever he's walking around yeah and in two minutes you see him enter a room you see oh something happens off screen and you got to use your imagination but then two seconds later you're in the room and this woman's throat has been slit yes i'm just grateful to hear that it takes place on halloween i'd hate for that title to be a misnomer and then you hear like you remember second, what this woman is, she's bleeding out on the table. You hear a baby cry in the background. And I just said,

why is it? Why are we watching this? I don't want this. Uh, yeah, I can, I can see, I can see that.

I see both sides of the horror equation. Um, just like as, as background noise is as sort of like horror jazz yeah the um yeah like some of the ones i've been watching are classics some of the ones i've been watching are terrible they don't they don't quite get uh anything you know like the big surprise i watched one by m night chalamet uh pretty close no it's close enough as close as i want to get it's pronounced chalamar thank you uh i watched a movie that was called devil have you ever heard of this

is this no steaming pile or something uh this was in this is uh in the long dip in his career yeah this was uh this was five people on an elevator one of them's the devil and it's the person that you thought as soon as the movie started you're like oh there she is there goes the devil it was shirley mclean was the devil shirley mclean was the devil the whole time and uh the movie is bad but i couldn't do any better. I'd say no that much in my heart. I couldn't do any better. No one can say you were too hard on M. Night Shyamalan because you said you couldn't improve on devil. Devil.

Exactly. But yeah, there's all sorts of loose tendrils at the end where you're like, what the fuck? Like there was a suicide right out of the gates. They never talk about it again. On the elevator uh out of the same building as the elevator okay because if they never talk about the suicide on the same elevator as the five of them that that's a major plot hole god the floor is lumpy they say to themselves yeah they're like well i want to address the elephant in the room here. And everyone's like, no, no. So, yeah, horror movie every night.

If anybody out there listening has a horror movie that they think is one of the best ones, we still got like a whole week. Well, Graham, this comes out, yeah, the Monday before Halloween. So I got some nights. I got some nights to, uh, to watch some stuff. Do you have any plans for Halloween night? Uh, general.

It's a Saturday. I'm going to try and lose my virginity. Yeah, that's the time to try. People are out there fucking. Why not join in? Exactly. People are having the spookiest fucks of their life. Yeah.

I had the spookiest fucks of their life that's maybe in my young boy neapolitan music. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, if anybody has one that they can suggest that they like, I watched one called The Wailing. It was great. It was a Korean film and was so fucking scary. Did you watch this movie? Have you watched The Lighthouse? Yes, I've watched The Lighthouse.

Just watch that again. As a confirmed hater of horror movies which i am watching that movie blew my mind so hard yeah is it a horror movie it's horrifying kind of yeah yeah it's like a gothic horror oh i just heard there were a lot of fart jokes in it there's fart jokes and they yell at each other and these crazy old timey talk and then they jack off to this ivory mermaid. It is amazing. That's the best scene

is where he's cranking and looking at a little statue. Oh, that movie. I mean, like, we're laughing about this movie as though it isn't a great movie, but it is legitimately a breathtakingly amazing movie.

Oh, it's uh four star film four out of four no no question about it one of the better films i've ever seen yeah and but you know if you're like on that end of the the spooky register i feel like there's other spooky movies you might enjoy that aren't full throttle horrors would i have you seen, uh, funny games? No, it's, I saw it and it is, that's a rough ride. It's a, um, like a,

a, a horror, you know, have you heard of a comedy of manners? This is a horror movie of manners. Yes. People are too polite to the people who are going to kill them. Oh,

yeah, sure. Come right in. This is a Canadian production, I presume. No, it's, uh, it's uh it's uh

it's like swedish or something or no i mean the american one has naomi watts and tim roth and michael pitt the killers are both the guys from the original film uh which was made in sweden or something like that is that those guys are not they're not americans then that much i know it's michael pitt from uh like uh ford rock empire and stuff oh okay i didn't realize maybe i've just seen the the norwegian one i don't know if i've seen the american have you seen uh there's a very similar french one called uh with a friend like harry and it's about a guy who's like, Hey, we were in the same class. And they're like, Oh,

Oh, okay. You can come over. Like he, he, he remembers them from, and they're kind of too polite to, to,

it's really like, this is the, that is my horror, like my horror life of just like, this is why I won't like people imposing upon you, people imposing upon me and murdering me well you know they call imposition the little murder yes yes that's right in french yeah yes um should we move on to some overheards yeah

we interrupt the podcast you're listening to to tell you about another podcast. That's right. We got this with Mark and Hal. That's correct, Mark. This is Hal. We do the hard work for you, settling all of the meaningless arguments you have with your friends. So tune in every week on the Maximum Fun Network for We Got This with Mark and Hal. And all your questions will be asked and answered.

You're welcome. All right, that's enough of that. We got this. Hi, are you someone who thinks that when one door closes, another one opens? Someone who always sees the light at the end of the tunnel. If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, good for you. We are not those people. Nope.

I'm Annabelle Gurwitch, and I'm a, you know that other door opening, it probably leads to a broom closet kind of person. And I'm Laura House. When I see a light at the end of a tunnel, I assume it's a train headed right toward me. Laura and I have created a brand new podcast for people like us. It's called Tiny Victories. We're sharing personal tiny victories or things we've read or seen that inspire resilience. So if you're looking for a tiny reason to get out of bed each week,

subscribe to tiny victories available on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's get tiny. Overheard. Overheard is a segment where boy, oh boy, if you're lucky enough uh to hear something even if it's from two guys looking to kill you because you're too polite uh you share them here

on the podcast this is the this is the station for it and uh we always like to start with the guest jesse do you have an overheard oh do i ever guys ever, guys? Boy, oh boy, here we go. I got a glass case in my house with a sign on it that says, break in case of appearing on Stop Podcasting Yourself. Yes. And in there is this overheard from five years ago. So I live in Los Angeles. I don't ever, I'm not ever in public. Right.

Only in private mediated spaces. I have this, I've had this overheard carried around in my wallet like a like a teenager's condom just year after year after year i was at the um movie movie theater near my house and uh using the bathroom and in the bathroom there was a kid a boy who was maybe eight or nine and his dad and uh the boy turned to his dad and said dad do you have any friends and the dad was kind of quiet for a second and he said no why do you think i'm here with you with you scorch yeah both ways yeah exactly if i had anything better to do you'd be at home alone kid don't dish it if you can't take it oh boy that's oh thank you for that thank you for saving that yeah yeah

i mean i would have hated to hear that phoned in on your two personal sounding mp3s that you sent me uh dave do you have an overheard mine is from my own home uh this is uh poppy was kind of talking to herself as she's three going on four. And she was running past me on the way to the bathroom. And she said, I have to go to the bathroom. It will take three minutes. The pee is one. The wipe is two. The flush is three.

And I was like, I heard her say this. And I said, well well what about washing your hands wash hands is four and then she added and if it's eight o'clock it's midnight yes that's what they call their prestige yeah for a kid her age she does she understands a lot of very adult things 8 p.m is midnight she gets time zones she knows what time it is in atlantic canada um my overheard is it's an overseen it's an overseen give it to me daddy if jesse may not know but there's a giant brand of toilet paper up here called purex does purex show up in the states at all i don't know if that's an american brand i

don't think so no it's i know it's canadian but it's uh just to establish that that's the name of predominantly make other things but predominantly toilet paper right and you get that you get that for free yeah we get the government pays for it if you're really nice yeah if you're asthmatic and you can prove it yeah yeah or if you have ibs if you have ibs you get it for free yeah yeah that's right um if you have post nails it will drip all these things there's a lot of criteria if you've got the trots you've been diagnosed with the trots so gross said the guy who's who's said in the butt three times on this show i don't find the trots the trots is a step too far for me me, that's like, there's nothing.

I don't get what's gross about it, so I don't mind it. Got it. Like the squirts? Oh, I get the squirts. Yeah. The squirts. Tim Robinson's line, the paint job. I think Dave didn't spill enough of that wine.

It's getting loose um so my overseen was a a woman running and on her shirt just was the word purex which why is that why is why does that exist why is there a shirt that doesn't say like purex recreation day or something it just says purex why how jealous were you very me i nearly stopped her like in terms of like a brand having their name on a shirt that's like not a clothing brand yeah nothing beats because why would purex be on a shirt i don't know i can't figure it out like because you don't go into a boutique you know brick and mortar store to buy uh buy it it's available at every drugstore so why would they have it speak for you think it worked for purex i usually go i usually buy my purex at a

boutique yeah it's uh it's called la trots what's the what is the most What's the, what is the most, is there like, what's the fanciest toilet paper? Is it just Charmin with the bears? Yeah. Fancy toilet paper is pieces of silk on a, on a string. Yeah. Like the most expensive hotels in the world.

Truly the fanciest kind is the kind that has Saddam Hussein printed on it. Right? Yes. That's true. Yeah. is the kind that has saddam hussein printed on it right yes yeah there's the kind in the commercial that like someone holds it and it turns into purple velvet and that's too much that's gonna ruin your pipes yeah but you know what it's gonna be worth it and your landlord's gonna be like are you rich why did you flush so much velvet down your toilet honestly three ply is too much

for your pipes yeah you know what i want to go i want to have like egyptian cotton toilet paper i want it 700 thread count yeah exactly um yeah i don't know there's three ply is that the top of the plies yeah i bet you rich people have four ply oh yeah sure and they give out four like the in the rich neighborhood they give out four ply on halloween and then you totally pay for their house bernie sanders actually ran on a his part of his platform was to take two of the plies that actually that i mean he's not wrong you don't need more than two. Confiscatory, if you ask me. Confiscatory. And then there's Bill Gates with his five-ply. He has smart ply.

Yeah. He's trying to track all of our poops. Yeah, that's right. Don't use it. Now, we also have overheards sent in from people all over the map. If you want to send one in to us, you can into spy at maximum fun.org and this first one comes from a guy named cameron uh it's a bit of a preamble but i i enjoyed it i went to my local circle k with a subway in it to get a sub for lunch picture the scene subway restaurant in the circle k i love it uh as i entered an older woman who was

paying for a sub saw me and exclaimed oh my god you're tall aren't you she asked how tall i was and i told her i'm six seven and she replied it must be nice after she left i got my sandwich i grabbed a bag of all dressed chips and iced tea uh when i went to pay for them the young middle eastern man behind the counter who must have overheard the part of the conversation asked me how tall he was when i told him his eyes went wide and he said wow that's taller than the undertaker i mean i knew i knew graham that in can Canada they used a different system of measuring lengths. I didn't know it was Undertaker's. Yeah, you do over, what's the over under on the Undertaker?

But I love that as a unit of measurement because dude is tall. That's scary. Oh, I should watch an Undertaker movie. Just watch an Undertaker match yeah um yeah uh is it nice when the woman was like must be nice you just got a foot long sub and it's not even a sixth of your body yeah yeah i know where you're gonna put it you don't need a hollow leg or nothing wow way to make the quiet part loud, Dave. Mm-hmm. This next one comes from Kelly G. from North Wales. Oh, hello.

Hello. She was walking outside. She saw a piece of graffiti that just said, Dad? That's great. Yes. Is this wall my dad wow or it's just putting it out to the universe like if you know if this becomes a catchphrase i'll find my dad confused um have you you guys remember when there was like graffiti that was just like was it toy story 2 was okay

or something like that yeah i feel like this dad question mark could come up and be like could challenge that i have not heard about that graffiti and that is a spicy take toy story 2 is great you've never heard about it no i feel like it's based on it's is it based on a comedian's act i don't know i only know graffiti artists i don't know comedians i don't remember someone's gonna write in and i don't care what's in your neapolitan of toy stories oh that's tough that is uh i haven't seen the third one but i didn't like i think the second is the worst of the ones I've seen. Third one is the worst one in my opinion.

Yeah. I guess I'll see it when I turned eight. Yeah. When you turn eight, while you're watching that, I'll be out on Halloween losing my virginity. Yeah. Or if you discover any children in your house, Dave. I got this wallet full of condoms there. Did either of you ever carry a wallet in your condom condom in your wallet no i did i i would put my wallet in it and then i would swallow it

like a drug dealer so i didn't put the wallet in my reservoir tip no i never carried around a condom in my wallet because it it felt like too on the nose like it felt like come on man you're trying to manifest a thing that for sure is not going to happen yeah there's a certain presumptuousness i'm pretty i'm certain i had my wallet had like a change pocket in it until i was 25 like i definitely had coins jangling around in there yeah and those coins could buy you a condom you're just bringing a big lady's wallet like a purse wallet also i've never worn a condom that's why i have so many illegit illegitimate kids running around yeah um fair enough different strokes for different folks

uh this last one comes from jay in los angeles i was walking along the beach and just heard a woman say he's smart like short circuit wow i like that as a measure of of intelligence yeah the robot or the scientist um i think it's a robot johnny five but she just knows it as short circuit yeah i'm probably i think it's fair to say that i'm smart like batteries not included yes that's about where i'm at kind of flying around checking stuff out yeah what was the plot of that movie there was tiny robots yeah they're tiny robots and they were saving a uh restaurant in a building that was being torn down to build a housing development and i'm i'm smart like drop dead

fred yes yes an imaginary kind of smart yeah yeah I'm smart like Wright said, Fred. I'm too smart for my, wait, pardon me. I mean sexy. Doy. I'm too smart for my doy. In addition to overhears that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh.

SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hey, Graham, Dave, and assuredly awesome guest if there is a guest this week. This is Cheryl from Toronto calling with an overheard from a few years ago

when I was living in the Chicagoland area. I was in a Target and there was a youth group or something. The kids were probably 12 or 13 years old and the group leader was trying to round them all up to leave. So he turned to this young girl standing next to him and asked her, where's Charlie? She looked up at him, rolled her eyes and said, oh, you know Charlie. He's over by the electrolyte water. Again. said oh you know charlie he's over by the electrolyte water again he's got he's got not

enough salt content in his uh in his blood so he always has to hang out near the bunny rabbit or a horse and how oh you know charlie how often is this youth like summer camp going to target but charlie's over by the electrolyte water again also like isn't the preferred term sports drink isn't sports drink is the go-to well yeah i think they're talking specifically about electrolyte water which is the non-sweet and non-flavored what is that just vaguely salty yeah croup or something no that's the that's the croup that's the childhood disease yeah i think it's maybe a colic but it is something that you give somebody who's has not yeah non-stop trots or isn't it like yeah like uh a hangover yeah but it's like pedialyte right is what it's called and it's for

it's for oh i guess yeah i don't know i don't know what this product is i guess yeah you can buy like a premium bottled water that has electrolytes added to it that isn't for babies who are sick and that isn't for athletes who are doing athletics it's for people who are concerned about that they're not spending enough on their bottle of water yeah and they're not making 50 cent rich enough yeah didn't he own vitamin water or something yeah he started it that's what kids know him as the guy who started vitamin water they don't even know about his rap career they think he started it yeah i think it's his company isn't it no he got in on it some water guy came to him and was like get in on the ground floor yeah he endorsed it and got like three percent of the company or five percent of the

company or something for endorsing yeah he's lived a charmed life except for the part where he's shot a bunch of times yeah yeah but everything past that has been a-okay yeah i mean the one the he had a pretty bad uh first pitch at a baseball game. Oh, did he? That was very bad. Yeah, very, very bad. I have nightmares about that situation being where, being like somebody that's brought out to throw a pitch. Oh, boy. Yeah.

Oh, I can't wait. I hope it happens. I hope you get that kind of famous. Oh, just throw it like wildly at the guy's shins and that's it uh here's your next phone call hi dave and graham impossible guests this is arta in saint paul um i am calling in an overheard so i was just at the playground with my daughter and there was a family i was arriving there with a couple of toddlers the oldest one was about. And he was super excited running into the playground yelling, look, there's even a bench.

Thanks, guys. Love the show. There's even a bench. Wow. It's the park of one's dreams, you know? Yeah. It's like there's something for you, Mom. New York City, just like I pictured it.

Yeah, a bench, maybe a duck walking by uh maybe somebody with a loaf of bread these are classic park maybe a kid flying a kite um yeah what are some of the other classic park things picnic some people having a picnic lake with toy boats in it yeah yeah what's your neapolitan of park things the middle is uh bench the left side specifically the left side uh is a kid flying a kite and rounding out my neapolitan of park things drinking on a bench thank you you're welcome uh here's your final overheard Hi Dave and Graham and possible guests This is Nathan from Toronto I'm just calling in an overheard I was helping my mom move a little bit

On the street and Walked by but a lady on the phone Who's she's just chatting out loud She's got it on speakerphone I'm talking with my mom I'm helping load up the back of her car And I just hear the lady go, yeah, so the guy, he's telling me that he wants to have a threesome.

And my mom's still talking to me and the lady just pauses for a second as her friends say something. And all I'm doing, I'm whispering. I'm just, mom, shut up, shut up. I need to hear this. I need to hear this. And the lady goes, well, what did I tell him? But you don't even got enough dick for the two of us. Anyway, that's it.

She came back a second time, but she still wasn't that loud about anything, so it didn't catch any more. Ain't got enough dick for the two of us. That's the dream, isn't it? To hear somebody say something, a setup like that, and then have them deliver afterwards. Yeah. That's worth telling your own mother to shut up that is the that's my

favorite part of it is the shut up mom shut up you don't know what's happening mom shut up if you only knew mother if you only knew oh man if your mother only knew um uh the uh also like i don't like you don't need extra dick for like, it's not going to go so far through the first person that it comes up. Oh no. There was a kid at school and a recess. He told me that you need, you need an all around giant dick in order to satisfy it too. I thought that we agreed to keep the nib talk between me and my wife.

You need the little cut up ones. Yeah. Yeah. And one, and one long one I mean you just need an imagination I got a red rope situation going on that's pretty good

you know he's got as big a penis as the undertaker that's how you measure it he's got a big wang right you said the quiet part loud well I believe that brings us to the end of this here episode uh jesse you have so many things that you do is there anything you want to plug in particular the thing that people who like this show would probably uh like is my show jordan jesse go with my friend jordan morris who's a comedy writer

uh here in los angeles and my my friend of now 20 years holy cow um uh yeah i know right and uh it's sort of like this show but maybe a little a little more uh vulgar and a little less considerate um not not this episode this episode was plenty vulgar. Yeah, well, I'm here, guys. Here I am. Sprilling it around. And, you know, you can just open up

your podcast app and search for Jordan Jesse Go. If you prefer politer entertainment, Judge John Hodgman would be a good one. There we go.

I'm Hodgman's sidekick. He's a comedian who does a fake judge. But a real judge, a fake judge but a real judge a fake judge of real things with real wisdom and humor and he's been on our show yes he's a great guest and uh you guys have been doing it a long time and we you were one of the podcasts we listened to uh in the early days before we started yeah before we started this you guys you showed us the way so uh people should if they've never checked out jordan jesse go now's the time now's the time

it was you it was ricky gervais it was jimmy pardo and of course boy i can't name a fourth everybody loves onions it was it was tiki bar tv don and drew just hanging out listening to don and drew grammar girl i've met grammar girl she's a real nice lady that's good to hear full endorsement of grammar girl nice woman nice well thank you so much for being our guest jesse this was a real thrill guys i'll tell you i'm going to tell you this i'm sorry to i'm sorry to uh if this is embarrassing to you but i just wanted to say that a is dave covered up his camera uh a it is actually a real dream of my life to be on the show and a total honor uh i love the show and i it's it's uh feels like a great achievement to have been invited um so that's thing number one and thing number two is as i kind of alluded to um uh i my

family and i've had a particularly difficult uh last six months or so and just a lot of a lot of awful stuff and you know when you're a podcaster sometimes you get these emails that say you know oh i was in a really tough spot and i listened to your show and it helped me feel better and i know that when i get those emails which we get once in a while i always have a hard time even processing them you know i say thank you to the person i am grateful to the person it's hard even to to hear um but going through a really tough time in my life uh i listen to your show every week and um it is a bright spot in my week and it's helped me through very difficult um days and uh means a lot to me i'm very grateful for it i'm grateful to

know and work with you guys because i i admire you a lot i love your work that's that cuts both ways man i admire you as well and thank you so much for running the whole network we're on and yeah we get those emails are we supposed to reply to those like uh if i don't really reply to the like the emails are mostly overheards and graham reads those so i i just said i'm kind of hands off about those i have an i have an auto reply that just says sorry i don't do autographs well we we hope we pass the audition yeah um but thank you so much 12 years yeah uh thank you so much for coming on the show and it was just so much fun so uh thank you for that and uh anybody out there listening uh please do take care of yourself and if you know anybody

in trouble take care of them too and uh come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.