Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 659 - Katie-Ellen Humphries

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

Comedian Katie-Ellen Humphries returns to talk not moving to New York, video games, and Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Hi, he's Dave Shumka, and he's Graham Clark, and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, welcome to episode number 659 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man whose network vacillates between good, bad, and excellent. Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, let me just check right now. Very good. It's very good. Nice. Nice. Good. We're recording this at an odd time, a Wednesday morning.

Yeah, it's weird eh um which is yeah we've been doing a lot of nights we don't have to like we can do it whenever oh i'm a vampire that's why i was granted special vampire daytime pass most times it's it's all night for me das wampir uh on das boot give me das booty uh on vans day and here we are it's midweek 11 in the morning on wednesday it's it's hump hour of hump day yeah that's right it's hump hour of hump day so get humping everybody i'm supposed to be i'm supposed to be at work right now so if i get a call everyone just act cool it'll be i will have to be like uh yes sir right away uh yes i i apologize oh yes you i'll have it on your desk absolutely sir you're dang widgets oh yeah we got the widgets i'm sorry i'm a little behind

here i'm just i'm underwater with the widgets uh you're george jetson in this scenario no he's sprockets which is they're just is just generic economics textbook theoretical. Spacely Sprockets. Yeah. Our guest today, a returning guest to the podcast, an all-time fave. She has her own podcast called Horny Off Main, and she's just released her first comedy album, Ladyfinger. It's Katie Ellen Humphries. Hey!

Hey! Here we go. Hey. Hey. Here we go. Here we go. Humphries on hump day at hump hour. I insist upon it. It's hump. Yes. That's why she wanted it.

Well, I guess hump hour is, no, 11's not hump hour. Because when do you feel like you're over the hump for a work day? Definitely way before 11 a.m. Yeah, it's all downhill. I feel like once you make it to like two, you're like, all right, everything after this is coasting. Oh, no, I cut it off. Two is I'm done-zo. Should we get to know us?

Sure. Get to know us sure katie allen how long has it been it's been a while been a minute since you've been on the show yeah i think so i meant to double check you're calling me i know i meant to double check because i felt anxious about coming on on this date which is uh October 28th, and I do not know if this was the last time I was on or if there was a time between this, but I distinctly remember being on your show and us all very smugly saying

about like, by the time this comes out, there'll be a female president. Yeah, yeah. On Nostradamus, we are not. Yeah. We could make all sorts of calls, but we're not ready to back them up when the facts roll in. Yeah, yeah.

But I'm pretty confident that by the time this one is released, which is before election day. Excellent. Yeah. There will be a female president. There will be a female president Katie what have you been up to What's the last year or so Looked like for you Well I had intended to move to New York

At the end of March 2020 Sure And then what happened I got distracted. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Well, that was good timing, bad timing. I mean, it's better than if you had moved there and then things went bananas. Yeah. As things go, I think it was good timing. I was pretty lucky that way. You know, I got to stay in vancouver so that's very nice and are you still do you have it on the books to whenever things clear up a bit to go back to new york i have no things on the books the books are burned no no future plans yeah i don't know what i'm doing this afternoon oh yeah yeah well after hump hour

um you which is every hour when you're katie ellie katie ellie um the uh had you like dipped your toe into new york before yeah so in 2019 i spent six months in new york and six months in vancouver and i was like well good trial that was great ready to go oh nah see you later no worries that's really that's super smart to have like a little just a little bit in there just to feel like is this good could i do this permanently like what was it like for you in those six months oh i mean i was a dream i loved it but yeah that is why i did it for that reason i was like i didn't want to just be like well gave up all my gave up my whole life go to a place i don't know if i like it sure it was fun for vacation but do is it good yeah yeah yeah um well i think

the thing that makes it so fun for a vacation is it feels like you live there because you're like you're not doing you're not like uh you know renting a car or anything yeah yeah yeah yeah you're getting on the train i like every place that i go that i don't live same here you know yeah right you go and do a gig in some weird outpost 12 hours out of the city like i could live here it's great and all it means is just like my stuff's not here yeah yeah and i like it i remember being in a small town and seeing that a theater was for sale and i was like i could buy a theater i could make a theater owner um yeah it's like yeah when you do visit a small town you're like maybe i will retire here yeah houses are 90 000 everyone has a pool yeah i'll be a pool cleaner in my retirement

i'll be a sexy pool boy and break up some marriages um where did you live when you were in new york um mostly i lived in different parts of brooklyn so i lived in clinton hill for four months and i did park slope for a couple months cool yeah like what did you like what's your favorite thing about living there i mean it's very cliche but for it's just the energy that is so alive i just like it's very strange to go so i grew up on vancouver island oh i could retire there yeah i could buy a theater everyone there is pre-retired. That is a requirement. It's a real retirement energy.

Yeah. So it is very strange that, yeah, it's just the stark opposite to go to a place where people are like, I'm never going to die. Except at any instant. Yeah, for sure. I'm going to fall in front of a train. Absolutely. But for people who are ambitious, I've never been around that ever ever yeah victoria is not very ambitious as it goes i mean we had a lot ambitious to make it to happy hour and coast make it to early afternoon and then a very pub heavy town yeah yeah but uh you know it's got

to be five o'clock somewhere, et cetera, et cetera. Victoria, you didn't grow up in Victoria. You grew up around Victoria. Is that right? It is not right. Oh, God. Sorry. That's okay.

No, I grew up in Victoria. I mean, Saanich specifically, if we're talking municipalities. That's what I was talking about. I always talk about municipalities. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You always get Saanich and Saanichton mixed mixed up and one of them's not victoria right i grew up there and i find that part confusing to be honest i mean now you're here where west van and east van are could not be more opposite but like the west side and the east side of vancouver is east van but the west side and the east side of Vancouver is East Van, but the west side of Vancouver is miles away from West Van.

That's true. And West Van is your rich. I've only been there like twice in my whole life. The West Van. To clean pools? Yeah, I go clean pools. You ever ask someone for directions and then they're like, oh, it's three blocks west. And you're like, what am I, a prospector?

I don't know. I'm going to pull out a car. I don't know what that means. But I know where you live. You live right on the east west border so you should be able to to like discern not you look at them the mountains are north and so tell me in relation to kingsgate mall i don't know anything i can't even if you're downtown you're like okay we're very far from kingsgate mall okay you're at kingsgate say you're at kingsgate mall where where you're going is worse yeah obviously um yeah do you ever uh get that where somebody stops you and asks you for directions and all of a sudden you're like oh maybe i haven't been living here at all i don't know that's

have you ever had someone stop you and ask you for the time and you're like i i knew how to read a watch a minute ago but now i these are like okay that one this hand is just the seconds you don't need how many seconds we're past the hour oh geez the minute hands moved again so i've lost i thought i had it i used to have when i had one of those fancy watches that just has the three you know it's just's just got, I guess, 12, 3, 6, and 9. Oh, yeah. And so, you know, if you know what hour it should be, you're golden. But yeah, if someone stopped you on the street and you have lost track, then I'd tell people, but with no confidence.

I'm like, it's 1.20. And then they'd freak out. I'd be like, 2.20. I don't know. If it's not on one of the major ones. I just show them the watch. Can you make any sense of this? It's jewelry to me. I was about to say that's the other thing people will do sometimes.

You ask the time and they just flash a wrist like weirdly upside down and from a distance. And then I just say, oh, thank you. And then I just I have. Then you go ask the next person over for directions because that guy can still hear you and then you just work your way down and then you ask for time again no i ask that guy for time i can't read it i don't ask the next guy how in what reference to king thing mall is the steam clock so that i can tell the time oh yeah that's about uh boy well it's like 10 blocks better and then three blocks worse.

It's, yeah, what are the other like on the spot questions? I mean, I guess anytime anyone's visiting from out of town and they want to know where to eat, I'm like, I don't, I don't know. I like, I get scolded for liking the food I like. Yeah, you'd be like, have you heard of a little restaurant called a dairy queen? I remember something like, Oh, where's a good place to eat? I'll be like,

I have an apple in my purse. Yeah. Do you like Indian food? Cause I'm not sure I do, but the place I like is good. Yeah. I think anybody who asks, like any recommendation where you weren't previously talking about it,

where somebody just sails in and asks for, and sometimes people will give me an address and ask where it is. Not even like a part of town. It'll just be like such and such 25th Avenue. I'm like, I'm not a postman i don't know what numbers mean yeah where's the 1600 block i have hailed cabs before because i didn't know where i was going i thought i got close to where

my location was and i was like well i def i just don't know and then i'll hail a cab and i'll get in and i'll give them the address and they'll'll be like, great, where is it? I'll be like, well, now. Now I've just roped in an accomplice to this. I've had a thing where somebody's told me directions and it's like a five-point direction plan. And it's like, okay, first you turn right, then you have to go up two blocks. And then as soon as I turn right, I'm like, well, I forget the rest of that. I forget the rest of that part. We've had the old house where we recorded. It was on the 700 block of East 13th.

Don't know. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. People listening are like, okay, we'll fast forward this. And we had a couple of guests who accidentally went to the 700 block of West 13th, which is 14 blocks away. 13th which is 14 blocks away and uh yesterday i just looked up from where i was and i was like oh geez i'm on the 700 block of west 13th did you take a picture i was i was like this is where chris gordon got lost there's just discarded sword pieces. For those of you who don't know out there, Chris Gordon is a man

who sells crazy merch after a set. Not just t-shirts and CDs. He sells guns that make certain sound effects. He sells swords. He's Canada's greatest salesman, I think. Yeah.

Yeah. We'd love to get him back on the show sometime uh had katie when you were in new york did people come and visit you because now they had a place to crash in new york or was was that okay uh only my my mother and her twin sister turned 70 over one of the periods that i was there. Fuck. Right? On the same day? It's crazy.

Are they doing, oh, they should be in commercials. Oh man, they really should. They're so cute. They're so double minty. And so they came out. Yeah. And my cousin and we, they spent, well, actually, so I put them, they put them in a, I got them a hotel for the week of the birthday.

And then my mom, and this is just something that I come from, they put them in a, I got them a hotel for the week of the birthday. And then my mom, and this is just something that I come from. We've never traveled. No one leaves the Island. So if you do leave the Island, you make too big a deal of it. Like it's too big an issue to get off the Island. Right.

So you think a week is too short. Right. So my mother, you know, we did this one week. It was great with her twin, with all the birthday stuff, Broadway, all the things you you do but then she just extended and stayed for another week just in my weird apartment in brooklyn yeah so now she's just observing your regular life at that

point she's she's uh yeah just sitting in the corner making notes and even her was like the first day of the real life part of the, after the vacation part. And now we're just in my apartment. She was like, I'm going to change my flight. I called this badly. And I was like, Oh,

that's so cute. You don't know anything. Like you, you don't know that that's not a thing. Oh yeah. That's a ridiculous thing. Of course she fell. And she's like,

it's going to be $1,200. I'll just go to the airport and offer them cash i'll see if i can barter it down a bit if they'll take cash then it's off the books people do that right like people go and they just talk to the agent and get on an earlier flight yeah people who are uh who have never faced any obstacles in their life are very comfortable going up to the ticket agent being like more for me please yeah people who can't read when someone is fed up yeah exactly oh what a superpower yeah to not to not care what what people are thinking of you or yeah to not

just constantly believe you're a burden yes yeah that's right it is you're right it's a superpower you do see it in airports a lot though yes people yeah people don't know how much you know uh not not necessarily physical but like uh how much space they're taking up yeah exactly psychically and also yeah but then there's people um that i've seen like lying across six you know six chairs that is true there are definitely there is a physical space being taken up as well you're right and sometimes people decide to do stretches before they get on the plane and i'm like that's if you're if you're thinking that's gonna save you in any way shape or form here's what i do when I go to the airport.

I go to the shoeshine place. They're offering to shine sneakers now, so fine. I do that. Check. I go to the massage place. Yeah. Yeah. Let everybody see me getting massaged.

Yeah, I go to the public massage place and i say hey oh boy it's gonna be awkward when i ask her a happy ending also that she oils you up before yes and i say give me the most fragrant oil i'm about to be in a enclosed box and then it's right to tgi fridays katie do you have an airport routine because i know i definitely have one you have you travel a lot i am everybody's retired stepdad i am there a day early nice i cannot abide by being in my home when i have to be on a flight later. I hate it. And I love waiting at there. I'll be there. What do I care?

The airport is glorious. I have no responsibilities once I'm through security. That's true. It's so much better than anywhere else I've ever been. Yeah, I do like the feeling of when you're in an airport or when you get on a plane and you're like, there's nothing I can do. That's it. Cut off from the world. And so I just can enjoy this time watching,

you know, it's nice when you are early and you, you get through security and you're like, I'm going to really just sit down and enjoy putting my belt and shoes back on. I'm not going to do it standing up in a rush. I'm going to go take some time for me. Yeah. Enjoy it. Yeah's um my my routine is

that i try to get through security as quickly as possible because then i'm gonna buy myself a snack yeah what kind of snack what kind of snack the most expensive whatever's the most expensive in the airport that's what i'm interested in sure cashews yeah i know you're not a nut man but but yeah i think uh i always try and get if there's a sit-down restaurant in the airport i will go there i will have a very speedy sit down a meal i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it because that's the same as being at my house i gotta be at the gate i gotta be at the gate that's the same as being in my house. My flight's in two hours. I asked the hostess, can I be out of here in 20 minutes? I can't.

I said yes. I can't enjoy my stupid taco. I got to be like, I can't. Oh, I mean, you wouldn't be able to enjoy it anyways. It's airport food. It's going to be pretty terrible. But you know the secret. You ask the server, hey, when you bring the food, can you also bring the bill?

And then you clear it up before you also bring the bill and then you clear it up before food's even arrived and then the world's your oyster i just slide through leave some cash on the counter leave i don't even take the tacos i'm like damn so sorry they prefer it that way i got a plane to catch i um we uh i think when we went to London last December, I had, I was going for work and I was like, okay, well, you know what? I'll get like a nice burger or whatever. Like work is paying for this. I'll save my receipts, get a nice burger at the sit down place. And we were flying, were we flying business or like premium economy

no it wasn't business this time it was just premium economy but they got amazing food on the plane like whatever i was whatever class i was in they brought me like the most amazing food and i was like i just had a giant burger but you that's when you use your pockets that's when you fill up your your pockets with lobster tails or whatever you got yes yes just pour the noodles in my shirt pocket katie have you ever flown anything but kind of regular plane have you flown up front with all the fancies no i've not flown up front with all the fancies once i was coming back from a swim competition and i was probably mostly easily 13 or 14 but i was very i was very small pretty very underdeveloped and i'm sitting next to a person my same age and the the stewardess leaned over her my peer to ask me if little girl wanted to come and see the cockpit.

Oh, boy. I remember that. That was on September 11, 2001, wasn't it? Somewhere circa around there, I think. Oh, wow. Did you take them up on their offer? I didn't, and I regret it so much. Yeah.

I probably could have got a pin. Oh, that was the big score When I was a kid getting the pin Which I don't know if they do that anymore Because it's sharp It's got a sharp piece in it And they don't let people come Into the cockpit anymore Not even adorable little

Girls in ninth grade You were underdeveloped But your dimples were overdeveloped so yeah that's true very childlike um now uh tell me uh if you can why you named your first album ladyfinger oh i can i can tell you that i named my first album ladyfinger because I believe that it sounds like a 60s era Bond villain. Yes. Which is an aesthetic I like. Yeah.

Also, it is after the cookie. Right. Which is delicious. And because it sounds just like a little bit queer. And I feel like those three things just encapsulate what the album is. Also, it was pointed out to me that I do a lot of jokes about fingering. Yeah, that's what I thought it was. I thought this is a finger-heavy album, and so you called it.

You could have named it Finger Eleven, but that was already a thing that had been taken. Yeah, yeah. So, like, now that people can get it anywhere, they can get it all over the internet? Yeah, absolutely. You can get it anywhere that you get music or albums. You can stream it on any of the streaming services. You can buy it on any of the buying services. So people don't have to go to some cool Brooklyn record store and dig through the crates to find it.

No, you should, though. Do that. Put your tiny little toque on your head would it be cool or terrible to just release an album only on cassettes would that be a terrible thing to do or would that be like oh check out this person's really really people do that yeah people do that but then they are like yeah but when you buy the cassette you get a download code that's right yeah yeah yeah um does that spoil it if you get the cassette and it's got a not for me because i don't have a i don't have a tape player

i went this is my my favorite instance of someone doing making a physical album is that uh years ago probably eight years ago or so there was a show in vancouver and it was independently produced by a group of maniacs and it was one not less than 10 000 but you know yes yes um there was it was one of those crews that happens and you know every every cycle there's a group of people in comedy who are like we're too raw for the rooms right we're too doing we're too raw for the audiences yeah we gotta do our own thing because like we're just we're so out there and then they'll they'll usually book some like the to call it like dark and dirty or whatever and they'll book it at some restaurant and then they would call it that and then before that event even happens they will post something

so abhorrent on social media that that restaurant or venue will back out and then they pick a new venue so all of those things happen with this show and uh and i bought a ticket because i love that shit not uh genuinely i just i like watching it it because of how terrible it is. And this was also eight years ago. I think I've probably got my fill of that. Yeah, your patience for that kind of thing is worn thin. But at the time, I was like, I got to see this. And we showed up.

And at the door, if you come in as a purchase ticket buyer, as I had, they handed you a mixed CD. This is good. Just like a burnedd that they had made it just had nonsense written all over it did like just uh designs in sharpie a manifesto written on the front of it yeah and after the show which of course was horrible i i wanted to know i was desperate to know was on this cd i assumed it was their material or sketches or something, but I obviously wasn't going to insert it into my computer because I did not trust them that it wasn't some kind of weird virus.

It was just one of those AOL CDs, and then they ripped off the cover and wrote their own title. Yeah, I'm like, I don't need, even if it's just their weird abortion jokes, I don't need those, I don't need that touching my computer. But I had at the time still an independent little boombox thing with a cd player and i put it in there and uh that cd was just a mixed cd that they made that was mostly the space jam soundtrack this is good i mean they kind of redeem themselves there yeah i think that's

that's fun it's fun to sell something like the space jam soundtrack like well we thought we could improve on it we love the space jam soundtrack but here's what they were missing yeah the monsters didn't do it for me um yeah have you uh like if you ever sold anything i know this is your first album but did you ever have merch that you sold after a show no i mean the with lady show we had the lady show hats which are of course the greatest hat that's ever been made yeah yeah they are great with this one so that's the first time i have merch i do now i have an enamel pin now oh cool it's based on a joke that i tell and the enamel pin is fashion it is me channeling britney spears in her 2001 iconic performance at the VMAs of Slave for You.

Oh, yes. Snake. In place of a python across her shoulders, it is a comically large hot dog. And underneath it says Dream Big. Yeah. Because that is a fantasy of mine. and the the album i do have i did not make vinyls of the of the album but i am having a album cover 45 size so like of a seven inch album cover made oh yeah but i didn't have i didn't have the any i didn't have 45 size records pressed i just made the cover so I don't have a physical thing. There's a download code inside?

Yeah but I'm thinking. I've got that before. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah we got an album with just a download code in it and then you can put it on your shelf with all your other records. Yeah but also when those do come in if you order them physically and you know if I can deliver it in person I don't have to mail it. I'll just

slip in any 45 so you'll get a bonus game oh that's fun yeah space jam soundtracked on 45 yeah yeah i uh i what i'm gonna do when i do my album it's gonna be on a cassette here we go but the cassette's gonna have a a little cable that plugs into a do a car uh well the cassette goes into the car stereo the cable goes and plugs into an Iowa

Discman that you get and inside there's a burned CD with some of the Space Jam soundtrack on it yeah can't you see though somebody like being a cool thing to only be able to find this album with some, like, ancient format?

Would that get a buzz going? But they do degrade. Like, I don't know about tapes, but, like, a lot of my old burned CDs don't work great anymore. Yeah, there was somebody when I went to school said that it was like introducing, there was like radio school, and they were like, I know that you've heard that CDs are indestructible.

I was like, that's not what I've heard at all. My parents were telling me not to touch their CDs under any circumstance. Yeah, exactly. I found a thumbprint and it matched yours. It's like like why don't they make the plane out of cds thank you yeah um we we had these uh dog poop bags that were that is that were they said they were biodegradable and and i always was like yeah but they but they're plastic. But I, like our dog died last year. And I guess, so these ones,

the ones I'm finding have been in my, the pockets of my coats for two winters now that I'm discovering them. And they're all falling apart. Like, my pockets are just full of like broken plastic bags now. Well, that's encouraging. I remember when I was. Although, except it reminds me of my dead dogs. Yeah, yeah, that's encouraging i remember when i was although except it reminds me of my

dad yeah yeah that's right um yeah i remember when i was a kid my grandfather taped a bit of a plastic bag like a garbage bag that was supposed to be biodegradable to the side of the house just to see how long it would take and it was there for like seven years it didn't biodegrade at all it was just it was just a plastic piece of garbage that was taped to my house thanks i'm i'm sorry i was uh i got distracted i was writing a poem about a pocket full of poop unfulfilled yeah the uh i mean uh what's your you have a podcast now i mean that's usually what happens when you can't move to New York. You start your own podcast.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Every, that's my, my pandemic project. Everything shut down. And the one other person that I saw or spoke to, Amitai Marmasteen, we decided, hey, we are fascinating now that no one else exists.

People should listen to us yeah why not and now they can um he's a very funny fellow you're very funny it's a comedy podcast i assume it is a comedy podcast although we in our ways then always end up talking about weird big embarrassing stuff yeah it's called it's called horny off main yeah the podcast we're proud to be embarrassed by why it call that i call it well covering one is we are horny and we live off main yes so this is very true to you and yeah yeah okay but we're real interested no offense but i don't think of you as very horny. Fair. Well, because I'm real off main about my horniness up until quite recently.

Yes. So is it because you guys, or is there a third, is there another meaning a la lady finger? Yeah. So there, we're, we're real interested in people's off main behaviors for us. Horniness is our off main. That's the thing we were the most ashamed of. And now we're just out loud. It's horny people. Oh, okay. horniness is our off main that's the thing we were the most ashamed of and now we're just out loud it's horny people oh okay so we like to know whatever anyone has had to kind of over whatever thing they used to be sort of hide in a different area of their life and then they've they've brought

up and then even just in horniness we are into whatever anyone can muster the enthusiasm to be excited about right now that is the only thing I can get the enthusiasm for is my horniness and all the people around me's horniness. Yeah. Desire is a very optimistic thing. Yeah, that's true. Because you do have to think eventually you'll leave the house or be able to do something.

Do some public horniness. Engage in some public horniness. in some public horniness some of your trademark public horn hornliness no it is not a sex show despite the name although some there's obviously obvious confusion for makes total sense and so a couple times some people in my life have just started telling me sex stuff which is great and i love it and then afterwards they'll say something like so is every episode just like a different sex thing i'm like oh no episodes are a sex thing what i and then they'll say why did well i just why did you think i started telling you those things i thought you were just sharing and do you get people calling in who are like i have uh wet dreams what does that mean stuff like that yeah sure they call the night of missions line

yeah night of missions line hi if I reach the right place my sheets are soaked what do I do yeah oh this is the butterball turkey line

I guess I would soak if your sheets are soaked i guess i would brine my turkey in it i think the butterball turkey is like a horny 900 yeah 900 number now. 1-900-butterball. Butterballs, maybe. Yeah. So, you're horny and off-main. Is there, yeah, like, what other thing does that mean? I think she tried to tell us. I know, but I feel like I got lost in a hilarious thing about your friends. Butterballs? Yeah, calling you about their horniness.

Yeah, which I'm into. Well, I just, yeah, so we both really, I like the way that horniness has become now an expression that people use outside of sexual stuff. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm horny for lasagna. Yeah, you get it. Who are you, Garfield?

Yeah, so people have just decided that horny means enthusiasm for anything yeah if anything i feel like horniness used in a sexual context to me is still oh it's just i don't like it yeah it's true if you heard somebody whisper i'm horny then you'd be like hide hide your hide your couch cushions uh but yeah so people now like can be like i'm if you know if they're into some plans that you're making they'd be like i'm horny for that yeah yeah it's just an all all size fits phrase boy i'm horny to go on the patio yeah yeah and in this in these socially distanced times they're so they're like events are so small that it's like oh boy i'm horny to take my walk today totally well and that's one of the things like i just i do want to hear what anyone is able to muster enthusiasm for right now

get at me with whatever it is you're horny for and it is such a i've always thought it was a weird word for that like yeah because what is it supposed to evoke the devil or something what does it mean horny it for me it evokes uh like a triceratops with a bone yeah that's what i was thinking yeah they're very of all the dinosaurs uh yeah it is a weird i'm sure that it goes back to some sort of biblical something like because it has to it has to have some root somewhere no no one person just was like you know that feeling that you get i want to call it horny um i'm googling a horny etymology they're just like they were looking

at a cornucopia and just so much blood rushed to their genitals that was as close as you got back in those days they were listening to a bugle call and they're like yeah this gets me going uh i i uh what is the entomology yeah it's entomology is the problem i googled horny entomology and it's just all these bugs having sex with each other i had a i had a co-worker oh years ago and her tell a story on this podcast before? I'm sorry. It's fine if you did. I had to go with it once. I'm horny for forgetting. Her husband was at her family home for Christmas

and the only thing that he had asked for for Christmas was one of those novelty paperweights that have a scorpion in them. You know, those glass dome ones. And that's what he, and so their family had purchased it for him because they want to make dreams come true. And then so Christmas morning, he opens it up in front of the whole family he's like oh this is so this is so great you know i think like i think this year i think i could really

get into buggery that's that's not what that means that's very sweet because that's the that's like what a sailor would call the interested bugs would be buggery yeah i i'm not satisfied with what i'm finding uh in terms of etymology just um it originally meant consisting of a horn consisting of horn from 1398 onwards later callous or hardened so as to be horn-like in texture. There you go. Horn, calloused. Yeah, this is all adding up.

In 1889, it was first attested with this meaning, sexually excited, but nothing about why. Right. Just that's when. Because of how much callouses could they got from being so horny? Yeah. Back then they didn't have the type of moisturizer products we have. So they would have to, you know, go be horny in a swamp or something like that. Somewhere there was.

Get rid of that cow. On Wiktionary, one of the definitions, sexually aroused. An example sentence, that girl makes me feel horny. Yeah. Hey, maybe don't talk like that. Maybe that's for your dictionary. Sorry, your diary. Your dictionary.

This is the example I use for all my words and then synonyms uh randy yeah yeah excited in heat and toey t-o-e-y yeah we almost started toey off main i don't i'm oh it's uh oh you know what it's australian yes yeah that checks that joey makes me toey oh boy um but yeah it's a very fun thing to call a podcast this horny off main thank you bantering back and forth are you bringing guests and find out what they're horny about yeah we awesome we go back and forth it's uh i would say it's about a 70 30 mix 70 30 just amitai and i and 30 we have some fun guests come on and yeah tell us what they're managing to horn it up about has anybody got horned up about something that you're genuinely surprised that somebody could get horny for?

Ooh, not yet. But I very much look forward to that. Yeah, like somebody who's into stamp collecting or something like that. And they're like, oh, I'm so horny. Okay, well, let's not judge anything at all. Dave do you collect stamps i don't i don't collect them anymore but there you still you still have the album that you put together no i'm not i mean i definitely don't have a a folder on my desktop that says homework and inside it's full of, you know,

stamps. I wonder what the horniest stamp ever that there was. I think the Elvis one was pretty horny. I was about to get Elvis is up there in the horn category for sure. That queen Elizabeth, you know? Yeah. And then what,

like some kind of maybe a sexy bug or something i feel like i had a shania twain stamps for a while ah yes shania twain yeah that's a horny stamp yeah i think there were rick moranis and john candy stamps i mean that's a horny stamp come on yeah um that yes uh yeah okay i don't mean to alienate our stamp collecting audience. Yeah. There was a Mike Myers stamp and he had a very horny catchphrase. That's true. Now, what was that again?

Yeah. A schwing. Not what you were thinking, was it? Oh, yeah. I thought it was the, do I make you toey? Yeah. Dave, what's going on with you man his other horny catchphrase was donkey i'm feeling donkey um what's going on with me very little i think uh in the in the like week to week we we i try to do something at least to have something to talk

about but i've just been like i've i felt you know after i put the kids to bed at night and do the dishes or whatever at like nine o'clock i'm like okay i if i watched a movie now and had a movie to talk about on the podcast i would fall asleep yes yeah so like i i've been um uh you know trying to find something to do but it's just been like a lot of nothing going on this week but the new um nhl hockey game came out here we go and uh i'm you know me i'm a big gamer you're horny for it well i buy one game a year and it's this, and it's always the same. Oh, okay. The sports games come out every year so that they can include the new players,

and this is a dumb realization. They make adjustments to other aspects of the game, but basically they don't. Basically, they just put in the new players, but also as you're playing, now that games are all online, the players are updated throughout the season anyway. Oh, yeah. Okay. But you, yeah, you get the new game because the new game comes out. And this year, what I usually do is I just play by myself.

And that's still true. Yeah. But I, like, I'll do, like, a season where, you know, I'm the general manager and I get to play the games. Wait a minute. You can put anybody into the games? I guess that's not what I mean. Although, but this year, I haven't done this in a long time where you you you're one player and you only play as that one guy and you get to create yourself or

whatever like you can make them stronger or taller or shorter yeah and you you get them and he gets drafted into the league and you uh i think you can even there's i think it's, I think you can even, there's, I think it's male, female. Now you can, uh, be a, a woman hockey player, a Haley Wickenhauser. Yeah. I, I don't know. You would be the only one. I actually should have, I don't know if you can do that. Actually there were, there's some female options on there. I forget. But, um, I, I heard that there's like new parts of the game now like they've made a plot for you if you're the player uh and like you have to go to meetings and like talk to your teammates i was about to ask you like do you get phone calls from your cousin like hey man i just i could really use if you could spot me some cash i just came out of a meeting with the general manager

you do have you have to like do interviews with the press and like you do meetings and you just it's so dumb it's like it just creates a stressful a level of stress that i do not need as part of this game where i'm like okay okay, well, I guess I need to, if I answer this with like the team answer as like putting the team first, then I get a lot of points for my whatever. For your generosity. But if I answer it like an egomaniac, then my brand value goes up. This is all really true. You have to like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is all really true. You have to like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's, but it's like very unrealistic things of like your teammate comes up to you and he's like, hey, I want you to get eight shots tonight. Shoot, get eight shots on goal. Eight shots. And if you don't, you're out of the team. Yeah, you're going to lose standing with me.

And then you'd play the game and you, oh, no, I only got seven shots. I scored four goals, but my teammate is like, you betrayed me. I feel like I would watch this as a movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's a very good movie, especially because my guy has, I gave him pigtails. Yes.

Nice. It is time. pigtails. Yay. Nice. It is time. It's time. Yeah. He's just like a regular looking guy with pigtails. Nice. But yeah, he's walking, having these interactions with the coach. So is there like a pre-game coach, you know, speech?

Is there that kind of thing? No. There's like, you hear like radio commentating happening about you right where in the locker room no as yeah kind of as you're preparing like setting up the next game you hear like a radio show about i don't think he's i turn it off what about these pigtails yeah um so yeah that's stupid I'm gonna stop doing that but if you enjoy it you know I'm not but I'm not sure I do

you're just it's causing you stress yeah it's just like it's making it less fun and more stress yeah it's cause I like I don't play video games ever so I only remember when hockey games were really shitty. There was no person you could pick. It was just red team or blue team.

They hadn't figured out the whole... And there was no pocket. It just sort of was this ball that ponged back and forth. Yes. to back and forth yes um but yeah i like every time i see a clip of a video game i can't believe how good they are at this point um like to the point where i'm like what are they going to look like in the next 10 years because i thought they would never get to this point so isn't it like i as someone who's been playing it for every year since whatever, just this one game over and over, it's gotten, like, it kind of has leveled out in terms of, like, the uncanny valley. We're not going to get, it's not going to get so real that, you know, you'll never get over the skin.

Right. you you'll never get over the skin right but what is the you know how every movie that's set in the future there's like some game where humans have to compete to the death yeah that'd be the is that what we'll need to fulfill our oh in terms of in terms of our video game horniness yes yes um yeah we're gonna have to kill each other katie have you ever been a video game person i feel like i tapped out after about an rbi baseball 2 okay original nintendo so that was like the players had names of players who were in the league you know your jose can say goes that era yes but they didn't look none of the players looked any different from one another and they didn't perform any different than you just like, it's one step up from that blue team,

red team. Yeah. RBI baseball one was, they were all, uh, short and squat. They looked like Mario. Yes.

Yeah. And their, their names, they had you, they were the player's names. As long as the player's names were no longer than eight letters long. Oh yeah. Yeah.

And like, it was fun to watch him. Your ass was blown out of the water by how good the graphics were back then oh yeah well compared to like looking at uh not that compared to like reading a book about baseball um and to this day you're you're still a big baseball fan right katie yeah i love i love the game of baseball i missed i specifically love minor league baseball so it's tough tough year yeah tough yeah those kids um when you were going back and forth between here and new york you catch any big league baseball games?

I did. I caught, I mean, I saw the Jays play the Yankees while I was there, but I also caught some minor league games. So I caught the Staten Island Yankees, a.k.a. the Pizza Rats, which is one of the best names in professional sports. Yeah, the Pizza Rats. I like that. It's not an official name, though. It is.

I bought a lot of merch. Really? Yeah, and they play... Did you buy it in the parking lot? Because that's not official merch. No, no. And they play some of the games in Pizza Rats gear. Wow.

Did that come to be because of the viral Pizza Rat a few years ago? It did, in fact. Yeah. What if it didn't? Then what? Where did they come up with it? Was that rat in Staten Island? I think it was just a vote.

And that was just the theme. I'm not sure, actually. I thought it was in Manhattan, but I might be mistaken. Yeah. Maybe, yeah. Manhattan. About that. And really, all rats are pizza rats.

Sure. That's true. There could also be a popsicle rat. There's no rat that's like, I'm lactose intolerant yeah i'm on atkins i'm on ratkins um if you do you remember there was a restaurant here in vancouver that uh somebody got a thing of chowder and it had a rat in it but that was uh was that ultimately fake uh i don't know the restaurant shut down that. Yeah, it did shut down. But I mean, I think that's a bit of a blessing.

But it's become short form between me and different people. Just rat chowder means the place has been deemed not very clean. Rat chowder or chowder rat. I'll take either. Yeah, that place is real rat chowder. That's great. Yeah, exactly. Is that the a real rat chowder. That's great. Yeah, exactly.

Is that the New England rat chowder? Which one is the white one? Is that New England? That's New England, yeah. And then what is there? A red chowder? What's the other chowder? Manhattan.

Manhattan chowder. Manhattan clam. I can't. When I Google this ch rat it's uh it's all the news stories about when it happened but i can't find uh if it was real or just a viral marketing stuff hey that pizza rat became so popular if we can get one of those guys in our soup yeah it was a small rat though yeah sure i mean obviously it might have been a mouse big mouse big big mouse small rat can't lose um yeah that mouse has small rat energy um yeah yeah that's me playing video games and uh remembering rats yeah um how about you well uh as as we're recording this it's not quite

halloween so i'm still in the midst of my horror movie every night uh yeah run through october which i think because i'm enjoying it so so i'm still in the midst of my horror movie every night uh yeah run through october which i think because i'm enjoying it so much i'm gonna continue it into november because there's no november class of movies so sure no war movies oh yeah yeah i guess there's thanksgiving movies in america that's true isn't like trains planes and automobiles. Is that Thanksgiving film? That's the one. Yeah. Oh, there's Home for the Holidays I think with Holly Hunter. Yes. Yeah. And isn't there one where on the cover

it's somebody standing on a box to be as tall as the person they're kissing? Does anybody know what I'm talking about? This is a real rat chowder situation. Is it Four Christmases? Maybe Four Christmases.ases yeah that's what i think um i remember reading an interview with eli roth is that the guy that's like the horror movie guy

yeah and he said his ultimate goal was to make a horror movie centered around thanksgiving that uh people if they saw it it would ruin Thanksgiving for them. That was his ultimate goal. And so he just based it on the first Thanksgiving. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, exactly. So I've been watching horror movies every night. The last couple of nights have been all 70s horror movies. And their level of horror in the 70s is equivalent to watching an episode of any television show now. Law and Order is scarier than any of the episodes or movies that I've seen.

And they're supposed to be crazy creepy, but most of them I'm like, eh, society's just moved into a general creepiness that can't be competed with, you know? What did you watch i watched one called the hills have eyes uh-huh and that was about a hill with eyes uh it was about a bunch of people like either inbred people or something that lived in a hill whoa whoa whoa look a lot of our listeners are inbred yeah collectors so that it was good but it was like i say it's just not as scary as what whatever you could get now plus what we know about inbreeding now it's really not that scary a lot of those people are pretty cool yeah royalty i watch it yeah yeah i watch the crown but it's my scary show about

inbreeding so i watched that i watched one called uh season of the witch uh where that song comes from is uh from that movie are you sure yeah yeah it was because on the in the title it says a song written by what is the name donovan donovan yeah yeah and uh it's used for was because in the title it says a song written by, what is it named, Donovan? Donovan, yeah. Yeah. And it's used for 10 seconds in the movie. It's not even like a marquee part of the film. And it is one of the weirdest movies I've seen in a long time.

Because you're the whole time, you're like, when is this witch stuff going to really kick off? And it's about a bored housewife in the 70s and she starts getting into wicca but very slowly and it takes an hour before she even casts a spell or anything like that and even when she casts a spell i'm not sure that it worked or if the because she like tried to make a love spell on a guy and i think that guy was just he was horny so he came over and uh did it with her but i don't know that that had anything to do with the the witch stuff yeah it was yeah it was a movie about the secret then yeah yes that's right like what your intentions out and and back in the day that was was terrifying, you know? It's a movie about a lot of people's aunts who got into Wicca and married or had sex with a horny guy.

Yeah. The song Season of the Witch came out in the 60s. Oh, maybe this film also did because it's old and maybe it was from the 60s. The wallpaper in it indicates maybe sixties or early seventies. Well, people, yeah. People like to keep their wallpaper updated every few years,

every year or two. Well, it's the eighties now got to do, uh, you know, light pink triangles, but it is amazing how quickly the like clothing and hair and interior decorating can lead you to almost exactly what year a movie was made because uh you know big bell bottoms were in this year but not

that year um which is all the only reason i watch a film is to see when the bell bottoms what the level of bell bottom they were having um do you guys, have you watched any scary movies leading up to this, the greatest night of the year? I am not, I don't know. I'm not sure I've ever watched a scary movie. Oh, really? Wow. I don't think, maybe from the time I was a child and one was just on. Yeah.

Like, you know, I think, like my older brothers maybe were watching one, you know, Friday the 13th maybe is maybe like the last. I remember, yeah, my siblings

watching a few in the 80s and being like, well, I'm scared. Yeah. I was just walking through the room on like a Saturday afternoon.

Right. I think I saw like Scream and things, Scream in the 90s and I Know What You Did last summer that's the end that was the end for me well at least you got the two greatest ones yeah yeah facts yeah um my yeah i'm not a big scary movie person either i there's a few i was like oh you know what maybe before hallow, I'll watch like a good, like not a horror movie, but I was like, maybe I'll see like the silence of the lambs.

Yeah. That counts. I thought you were going to say like a, you know, an Olsen twins Halloween Halloween. We were trying to show Margo like a kid appropriate, uh, spooky stuff.

Yeah. Cause she, she loves the idea of spookiness but we don't want to show her like i mean there's this movie on maybe it's on netflix or disney plus called monster house and we started watching it and it was just too much and it's too scary it's just it's like for 10 year olds and so we started watching this one with Eddie Murphy called The Haunted Mansion. Okay. Does he play a bunch of characters in it?

Does he have every character in it? No, he doesn't. It's not the clumpy mansion. But yeah, no, that was boring for her. And so we were like, well, they have all these like 90s goosebumps on there yeah maybe let i i don't know if those will be appropriate we watched one and she loved them and she was like you know tensing up and like cuddling with abby and see that's the the there's no i don't think there's like comedies and horror movies are the only thing where you have like a visceral

and horror movies are the only thing where you have like a visceral uh reaction to them and uh and if they if you got a little both a la scream you've done it you've done the complete visceral package and i cried at an oreo commercial this week so yeah okay uh that also counts which one was it i don't it wasn't on tv i just saw it's like all of my favorite movies in the last year all my favorite movies in the last year have actually just been commercials that i've seen on the internet that are about parents accepting their lgbtq kids that's nice and it was a really long they're usually extended often they're european and this one wasn't but it was yeah they're very dramatic and long and you're like yeah this i went on a whole journey here there's a uh uh an lgbtq oreo commercial yeah i just i mean i again i saw it on

a website so i don't know if it's even air i don't know where yeah yeah tv or whatever that's fine everyone has a computer who's listening oh it's so beautiful and yeah this woman is young young woman comes home kind of seems like probably from college with her girlfriend and and her and her mom's really into it and everyone's really but the neighbor's a little judgy and the dad's really distant but yeah then it really comes around like these have these oreos they're vegan did you know oreos do not appear in the commercial at any point and the girl's like i'm do you think lesbian and vegan are the same thing and her mom's like yes yes i do yeah right what are you coming out as whenever i see a commercial that's dramatic like that i'm always afraid of what the product is going to be like oh it's really gonna pull the rug from under you kind of thing but oreos is that's

as wholesome as it gets do you ever cry to a commercial gram yeah probably i remember when i was a kid there was uh fruity pebbles remember fruity pebbles. Remember Fruity Pebbles? Go on. Fruity Pebbles was Flintstone adjacent. Yep. Yeah. And Fred would always keep his Fruity Pebbles away from Barney. That was kind of the ongoing for years. For years.

Did you cry when rapping Barney came over? Oh, I cried when I was a kid on the Christmas edition of the commercial and Fred shared Rudy Pebbles with Barney as kind of a, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it was, uh, it was really, it was hit me and I cried and, uh, I think maybe that's the last time no that can't be true there's got to be some other ad maybe a deodorant i was surprised yesterday when i cried i'm not a crier i'm not a big crier and i'm not i'm not one that like oh that phone commercial really got me but it's not real yeah yeah for me it was those um uh at&t commercials in the early 90s that were like

you ever make a video call from a phone booth have you ever talked to a your jazz professor from a phone booth have you ever answered a stopwatch on your wristwatch, well you will. And they were right. That's how I talk to my jazz professor exclusively. It's all e-learning for my jazz. Those actually, those would be fun to revisit because now that there's so much

online learning happening, I bet those commercials are they were right they were prophetic except for the idea of like going to a the phone booth part a phone booth with video like a video screen where you talk to your kid that's yeah man but like the yeah the we were always told there was going to be video screens i feel like that was always a picture of the future was video screens and they got that right they got that right cyborgs and whatnot not as much but screens correct lots of screens e-cigarettes also seem like something

that was promised to us early on yeah promised to us early on. Yeah, promise to us. The screens with telephones, I agree. It was only like late 80s, early 90s. It was showing up in future stuff. And I remember being like, well, that's a thing that will never be good. And I stand by that. We're doing it now. And I'm glad to see you.

And it's a blessing that we can do this. But also, it's like, when someone just FaceTimes you, you why are you come on man we could at least with a laptop you can like set up your room behind you whenever i'm on the the phone one i'm like working my angles yeah yeah i've got it up high yeah the um i don't understand, and I never will, people who are having a FaceTime conversation on their phone out in public. I don't understand who these people are. I don't understand. And their unlimited data. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's, yeah, you know what I mean? Like, when you see that, aren't you blown away? Yeah, absolutely. I don't get it. I don't get people who, not even, like, there's people who speakerphone in public. I don't get people who not even like there's people who speakerphone in public i don't get people who talk on the phone in public yeah that's true that's uh it's i would that's when you want a phone booth all of a sudden yeah it used to be more it's crazy when you think about the past when you think about how many phone booths there were just scattered

around like how did they decide what corner to put a phone booth if you had to find a phone booths there were just scattered around like how did they decide what corner to put a phone booth if you had to find a phone booth now where would you go the airport yeah bus station yeah gas stations yeah i feel like gas stations always had a house phone that you could dial up a 900 number two yeah sure oh tell me about your juicy breasts. Yeah, give me that Butterball line. Yeah, so... What's next? A lot of people... Yeah, you were asking for suggestions. Yeah, and I have so many suggestions now.

It's going to carry me through to november but somebody said there was a good zombie movie that takes place on a train so i'm intrigued by zombie movie on a train um it's called train to busan so i'm gonna watch that it's like korean yeah yeah yeah and uh there's like there's one i want to watch it's about a bunch of kids that go to a camp where they don't have any of their devices they don't have phones or whatever and that's the that's the plot that they're at this camp with no phones and that of course a killer comes to the camp and they can't take pictures of them or have a face they can't check the currency conversion rate for uh no that is that's good because like so many movies are killed by the fact that you could just be like well like so

many 80s and 70s movies are just like well why wouldn't you just call the person yes yeah yeah and i watched uh there was a movie it's not quite a horror movie but it's it's kind of in that uh field called whatever happened to baby jane and i recommend to everybody if they haven't seen it you need to see this movie it is hilarious and scary and what era is it from because it's a title i've heard a million times but i it's not like culturally i don't know anything else other than the title it's uh i think this is from the early 60s or late 50s um and it the plot is about two sisters that were in show business and the one sister uh allegedly ran over the other sister with a car and now keeps her up in the attic of their house and uh she's completely dependent on the the one sister she's in a wheelchair and she she can't

there's no way for her to get down the stairs and uh the apparently like on set it was joan crawford and uh betty davis and they hated each other so much that uh when betty davis found out that joan crawford's husband worked at coca-cola she had a uh a pepsi machine installed on set just to spice that's the real cola wars yeah wasn't there a show in the last couple years about the making of that with those two actresses there should be it was like called cat fight crawford versus the other one yeah davis like at one point uh betty davis has to like drag joan crawford across the floor and apparently joan crawford put weights in her pocket so it would be harder for her to do. I love that shit.

So petty. Yeah, it's so petty. It's so funny. How would you describe Betty Davis's eyes? Well, she's got them. I would say that out of the gate. She's got them.

Oh, baby, she's got it. Those are two different songs like heavier than i was expecting her eyes yeah or just in general yeah specifically well she's wearing weights in her eyes yeah how many of these old old movies are you like do you watch and then you're like oh that's that's where the simpsons Treehouse of Horror got their idea. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is like probably where an idea of misery came from because it's very much like misery, which is a good horror movie if you're not into horror movies. Misery is like a great Kathy Bates. It's just unhinged and it's really fun.

Yeah, I should see that. I've never seen that. mates it's just unhinged and it's yeah i should see that i've never seen that um uh the the mini series was called feud betty and joan not cat fight yeah uh but crawford uh it also that was the reason people went and saw the movie because they were so legendary they hated each other that it was like when brandy and monica put out The Boy Is Mine. It blew everybody's mind. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, if only we could have a versus with these two women. Yeah. It was a feud, Brandy versus Monica.

Monica's putting weights in her, boy, I don't know. Her sound booth. I don't know anything about Monica. I know Brandy ran over someone with her car. And she was Moesha. Yeah, she was Moesha. Yeah, she was Moesha. I know less about Monica, but we wish them the best at this holiday season and hope that your horniness for music continues. Yeah.

Should we move on to some overheards? Yes. The Beef and Dairy Network is a multi-award winning comedy podcast here on Maximum Fun, and I would recommend you listen to it. But don't just take it from me. What do the listeners have to say? Would I recommend Beef and Dairy Network podcast? Um, no, I don't think I would.

Right, let me be very clear about this. Under no circumstances would I recommend this to anyone I've ever met. No, I don't think I would. Right, let me be very clear about this. Under no circumstances would I recommend this to anyone I've ever met. No, absolutely not. No, I couldn't. I feel quite sick thinking about the things I've heard. Please stop calling me. Please leave me alone. That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, available at MaximumFun.org

and at all good and some bad podcast platforms. Literally, just leave me alone. Overheard. Overheard is a segment in which you out there may be lucky enough to overhear something or see something, and we always love it when you send it our way. And we always like to start with the guest. Katie Allen, do you have an overheard?

You know I do. This overheard is courtesy of a gentleman who was talking to two gals as I walked past them. And I just heard him say to them, oh, no, he drives the ladies wild with his T-shirt cannon. And I choose to believe it is not a euphemism yeah no yeah it was we were talking about a mascot a very sexy man go wild for that i mean ladies ladies absolutely go well ladies love t-shirt canon that was my first rap name ll t-shirt c um yeah i uh uh i'm a big fan of the t-shirt canon i've never caught one i've i've seen people near me catch one but i uh you know that's something i've just got a dream about you know just gonna have to wait if and someday in the i hope so so so far distant future i am to outlive you

i vow that's 21 t-shirt cannon salute shoot shoot your ashes out at your passing um the uh i think i've gotten i think i've definitely ruined it for someone else who was about to catch it, but I reached up and didn't quite catch it and just knocked it out of the t-shirt. Defense! Defense! Well, I was trying to catch it, but whoever was behind me was definitely going to catch it. Yeah. And then there was once at Canucks games, they used to have this blimp that went around and would drop prizes, envelopes with stuff in them and i got it

once and it was like 20 to a boston pizza in cloverdale or something like it was that is not specific boston pizza far away that's a curse you save that up for valentine's day because people out there don't know boston pizza on valentine's day makes a heart-shaped pizza so you just save it for february 14th and uh spend that 20 was it 20 gift something like it might have been 50 but i'm not it's too far to go it was like hours away yeah you could post it on craigslist see if anybody wants to do a swap for your oh sure yeah somebody i don't know if it's still valid 12 years later but maybe i love when americans arrive in a canadian city and are floored by the fact that by a restaurant called boston pizza and then you have to explain to them that no one associates that restaurant

with either the city of boston or pizza this is a lasagna restaurant yeah this is a restaurant that is open later than others sometimes in a small town this is a place where you get a jug of root beer yes yeah or your table of softball players. Dave, do you have an overheard? We do. We had an election this past weekend. Although it was during a pandemic, so most people voted in advance. It was a snap election that they called. I heard this the day after the election on the news,

the, the anchor was saying, it's been a snap election without a lot of crackle or pop. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah. Yes. And then, and then three minutes later, he had to throw to the reporter who was at the, some, oh, it was the day of the election at some event where one of the candidates was

going to be. And so this reporter's just standing outside and he throws to her and she says, that's right. They're looking for snap crackle. Who's popular as you were saying, and didn't quite land that one

and like i heard a thing oh that's so great where it's like i'm also i'm doing the thing i'm in the club we're playing with language only way i could like that more is if they pan to the reporter in the field and it was a snapping turtle. It was like, come on, man. A very popular snapping turtle. Rude. Rude. Apparently in the election, it is the lowest voter turnout since like 1888 or something like that. No, I thought it was 1991 or something, but it was. Yeah, there's a pandemic.

People have been told not to leave their houses that's true but that's you know that's why you get the mail in uh votes right although those won't be counted i think for another couple weeks yeah that's true well we'll see we'll see how it all turns out um everybody assumes they they know how it's turned out but maybe it's different you know how maybe all sorts of people voted for a different party i don't know yeah maybe people who like mail maybe inbred stamp collectors vote a certain way they're real swing voters those ones yeah yeah um my overseen is courtesy of going to the drugstore and you know how they'll do a thing for charity where you buy a leaf or something

and then you write your name on it and they put it up on the wall? So I was at a pharmacy that had that and I was waiting in line I was scanning all of the names and they were all regular names except one of them was Shitwick which

Shitwick? Shitwick all regular names except one of them was shit wick which shit wick shit wick which i googled it and it's not a name it's not anything like that it's somebody was it one word or two one word yeah okay so it's not like first name shit last name's john wick john wick's wife shit Please my people My father's name is John Wick You can call me shit Wick Call me shit Well that's great Yeah it was great

Mr. Pickwick's Fish and chips Oh I'm not familiar with this It's out by the airport I go to a rat chowder whenever I want seafood. Yeah. Now we also have overheard sent in from people all over the map. If you want to send one into us,

you can send it into SBY at maximum fun.org. And now I have to find them. Do, do, do, do, do, do.

org and now i have to find them do do do do do do uh this first one comes from britney in philadelphia pa it was a sticker on the back of a car that says spoiled railroad wife it's like one of those t-shirts where it's like my husband husband is a welder. Yeah. He loves his country and crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. This is a very specific man we're talking about here. Yeah. What? A railway wife? Railroad wife?

Yeah. Spoiled railroad wife. So. Is she spoiled or is the railroad? Yes. Yeah. very good question uh i'll take all questions at this time that's so beautifully specific and i love it so much and that she's spoiled i think that's my favorite uh addition to it is uh well i guess there was a time when it was quite lucrative to be in the

railroad that's true that's true and maybe this is an old sticker from the 1830s um so yeah wonderful work britney um this next one comes from josh c in leeds uk i'm staying with my parents what was that blimey um i'm staying with my parents and i just overheard this conversation between them mom what's that song you know the one goes why so serious and the dad goes what song she goes you know it goes why so serious and dad says are you talking about the joker and the mom says oh right yes that's it it wasn't a song it was the joker to the joker um what song could she possibly have been thinking about that she was like a pet shop boys yeah

what have i what have i done to serve this why so serious mom said what did you have your first dance to at your wedding the joker we just did dialogue yeah when he puts the knife in the dialogue tract oh man why is it has a couple ever done that and if not do it oh just a just a skit from a hip-hop album yeah yeah exactly and then everyone in the wedding party does a lip dub choreograph too stupid my first my first dance is just gonna be from the miseducation of lauren hill where that teacher asked kids what love is yes excellent track there's also a tlc track where some students at a high school do a skit about aids that was that was a favorite because they just handed over the end of the album

to this like high school drama group and uh i think more people should do that i absolutely agree yeah for your last track do it speaking of tlc and aids someone was just telling me a story about the song waterfalls and how they had a friend who believed for up until like minutes ago that uh today years old yeah exactly that when tlc sang and three letters took him to his final resting place yeah that that was guns those were the letters that's what it meant yes well that's four letters gun singular gun gun although it's it's hiv right it could easily have been any three letters i guess yeah yeah that's true r.i.p um trey like the drummer from yeah trey cool from green day um also there was i remember uh reading a thing that paul mccartney thought that that

like a chunk of that song had been ripped off from his song about waterfalls and then he was like not like he wasn't going to sue them because he's the richest man on earth like i'm just going to say that it sounds like my song leave it there you know classy move classy move by palmer it does it does yeah his i mean it doesn't sound like it but his lyric is don't go jumping waterfalls please stick to the lake right which is pretty similar yeah that's right don't go waterfalls stick to the lake but uh but their but their song's better right there so if anything they should sue him they should sue him retroactively yeah for making a less uh elegant song than they wrote yeah i mean his song's great too. But their song's better. Yeah.

I'm very diplomatic. I stand by that. This final one comes from Ashley in Missouri. I'm sitting out on my front porch and some neighborhood kids are playing basketball on the street. Except that it's more like a fortune-telling game. They're asking questions about the future. And then if they make the shot, the answer is the girl asked will i have twins the second said will i have a good job and then it was the lone boy in the group's turn he asked will i have a beautiful hamster i hope he made that shot.

Will I have a beautiful hamster? Great. Great stuff. That's what kids are thinking about. Those other two are weird, too. Will I have twins? Will I have a good job? Yeah, I mean, a good job.

Everybody wants to know if they're going to end up with good jobs, sort of, right? When you played MASH, was Job one of them? MASH was... Yeah, I guess you could do Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. Yeah, and then you... And so you would do a thing of houses, thing of cars, thing of which girl in your class you'd be married to. Yeah. Which, I guess Job, and it was always like,

janitor was the bad one or whatever. Right. I think we would usually do, that other column would be where we would live. Yeah. Oh, city? Yes, I think so. Or like location. Sometimes it'd just be like in a ditch.

But you could do as, you could do as, yes, absolutely. You could do as many categories as you wanted. I suppose. We really lacked imagination. It was a real square. MASH just refers to the four things in that category. Right. But I like that the options probably were like Hollywood, Paris, something else in a ditch.

Yeah. Yeah. Behind an outhouse. The whole. Saanich. Saanichten. Yeah. Saanichburg. house in a ditch yeah yeah behind an outhouse the whole sanich sanichten yeah sanichberg ditchberg and sandwich land a beautiful hamster what if he does this like because i've had hamsters and they're not attractive yeah yeah but he's hoping for like a beautiful mind hamster a lot of them are

yeah they're they're really cute but i wouldn't call them beautiful i disagree i think they're the most beautiful thing i've ever seen we'll get on the cover of hamster magazine's most beautiful hamster issue but you know that they'd always do it's like a really inner beauty thing like they don't mean it's always like yeah it comes so much and it's just like a pr do it's like a really inner beauty thing like they don't mean it's always like yeah come so much and it's just like a pr thing it's like that hamster just had a movie coming out this year so that's why it was number one sexiest hamster what was the movie that he has coming up um it was whatever the latest richard gear movie arbitrage arbitrage yeah uh poor richard gear yeah well well you shouldn't put that hamster up there not true not true but something that a kid's imagination could run wild with. That was hamster's imagination.

That's true. Yeah. That's a hamster paradise. So that song hamster paradise from criminal lines, dangerous minds. Um, did you do three? Yeah. Okay.

In addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one spy pod one like these people have hey david graham this is andrew from boise a couple years ago my buddies and i were down at a rope swing by the Boise River, and we heard this family coming up the hill to get to the rope swing, and this little kid, he goes, hey, can I go on that? Up to his mom, and his mom goes, well, we're up and see if uh to see if it's safe for you and the little kid replied uh after he had seen the rope swing he goes oh yeah this is way too

fun for me i'm not allowed to have any fun yeah i like that uh he said we were hanging out at the rope swing. I loved everything about that. I'll see you at the rope swing tomorrow. Sure. Are you going to go in? No. No. Just going to hang out here. Sit around and eat popcorn.

I tried at one point this summer to use a rope swing, and man, oh man, that is a kid only situation. Not into a lake or anything. Yeah, into a lake. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. This summer? This summer, yeah.

And it just did not work for me in any way, shape or form. I was too heavy and I didn't know how to get enough momentum going and I nearly killed myself. heavy and i didn't know how to get enough momentum going and i nearly killed myself so there are an awful lot of um like people putting up tree swings in the city yeah yeah on the boulevard and i guess it's just for anyone to use passing by and as you know going out with my kids they want to stop at everyone yeah and swing on them and get bashed into the trunk of the tree they're not there's nothing there's no like uh body overseeing how these tree swings are set up and they all suck no they don't all suck is the problem some of them are great that's why we keep stopping but like if adults go on them the tree will break isn't that

not all the bowel will break the baby will fall but is it like some of them are some of them could do it you like the some of them maybe the you know the rope will break before the uh tree did you smash a glass there yes you caught me i tried to just move on with and see if anybody had heard it but yes i just clanged together two glasses in very classic vancouver fashion i have seen some rope swings that have uh pretty curt notes about who can and cannot use them yeah and adults no thank you and also when people put signs on their lawn that says don't let your dog pee on here everybody does right that becomes the hot spot for dog pee that is where i pee yeah my dog can't read he can't he doesn't even understand the like line

through the dog picture that's right he hasn't seen Ghostbusters yet. Do people put curt notes when they put their sex swing outside? Please, this is only for sex. Do not try to do a regular swing on this. And then I come along and I'm like, that is too fun for me. Here's your next phone call. Hello, David Graham. This is Annie calling in with an overheard from San Francisco. I just overheard some people having an argument in a restaurant about politics, and they were talking about human rights. And the man said, oh, well, I don't actually believe in human rights. And the girl said, no, well, you can't not believe in human rights.

And the guy said, well, you can't not believe in human rights. The guy said, well, I can because I do. And then he said, I mean, I do not. Okay. Pardon me. Oh, whoops. No, yes, I don't. I can not believe because I don't believe.

Yeah. That's a good choice to make. That I just decided to not believe in I don't believe. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good choice to make. That I just decided to not believe in something? Yeah. I mean, I guess like people, I've heard of people being like, I don't believe, you know, housing is a human right or whatever. Or healthcare is a human right. Right. But just to be like, I don't believe in any of them.

Yeah. In fact, if somebody came in right now and clomped me on the head, I'd be happy about it. Yeah. Yeah. Survival of the fittest. I appreciate you extending your individuality. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

You are the alpha dog. Yeah. You are the head smasher of my dream. All right. Here's your final overheard. Hi guys. I'm calling with an overheard. This is Emily in New Mexico.

We're at the driving range shooting some golf balls. I heard a guy who was about to go golfing. He yelled out to his friends. That's all I do is drink water. I'm tired of water. Done with water. Water is not my friend. All right. Thanks. I'll buy you. Oh man. done with water water is not my friend all right thanks off i go oh man this guy's had a bad

experience with water i mean i'm tired of drinking water yeah i mean i just put a little uh sugar in my water every time and like a hummingbird and i love it you do have that heart that beats 800 times a minute that's right i have to keep my heart rate up or i will perish it's like the movie crank but with hummingbirds yes yeah it's a disney film it's still called crank though and it's the voice of jason statham yes yeah crank gully is it's the crank before time. All cranks go to heaven. It works for everything. Crankastasia.

That's it, baby. That's it. That's the end of this year's show. Katie Ellen, you've got things on the go. You have a podcast. Yeah, absolutely. The podcast, Horny Off Main. You can check it out at uh offmainpod.com and you can you listen to wherever you listen podcast and yeah you can check out my album ladyfinger wherever you check out albums on all the streaming services spotify etc buy it on

itunes those kinds of things yeah yeah check it all the information out of my website katie allen.com yeah and you're out there uh listeners you're at the very least you're going to want to see the album cover of this album because it is fantastic that's a great photo and it's got a you've got a couple photos online yeah yeah yeah they're fantastic oh bless your sweetheart yeah you can see that on my instagram probably best place to check that out and that is at uh ms katie allen m-s-k-a-t-i-e underscore e-l-l-e-n there you go well thanks so much for being on the show with us this was a this was a real treat yeah back at you such a privilege thank you so much you're always so fun we try dave's really fun with his new hat i think that's the most fun element today. Didn't know it was coming. Should I keep it? Should you keep it?

Absolutely. Okay. Yeah. Uh, it's fun. It's a fun outdoor, indoor hat. Um,

uh, do we need to, we need to plug anything? Um, I mean, go vote Americans. Yeah. Yeah.

And if you haven't voted in this provincial election, go back and vote. Yeah. Mail in your thing. Yeah. And if you haven't voted in this provincial election, go back and vote. Yeah, mail in your thing. Yeah. Get in line to vote right now as you're listening to this. Yeah. Because there are going to be long lines. They do it right down there.

Yeah. You've got to earn it. Well, thank you to everybody for listening to this show. Please take care of yourselves and have a real safe time. Have a real safe fall. And thank you for listening to the podcast. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Audience supported.