Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 665 - Ember Konopaki

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Comedian Ember Konopaki returns to talk school, Home Alone, and train fights.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 665 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's lean, mean, and green, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I'm lean because I, boy, I eat no fat. That's right. What was it, mean? Lean, mean mean and green i mean because i i just couldn't like i know just what to say to cut right to someone's core

and i'm green because uh i plug myself in to a wall charger instead of drinking gasoline well done well done okay um our guest today is a very funny return guest to the podcast comedian about town it's amber konopaki hello and hello how are you to me um i'm great i'm thrilled to be here thank you so much for having me it's always so fun well thanks for coming on the podcast yeah yeah it's different this time but i'm excited yeah this is uh it's a weird setup but you know what you'll feel natural two minutes in so it won't feel natural now but two minutes from now you're gonna wait yeah you're like oh you're not but if it's like a watch pot never boils so like okay don't start thinking okay i'll feel natural in two minutes so do i feel natural yet no what um you just gotta like wait just don't even think about it okay yeah yeah yeah that's

and then when you're you're not even thinking about it someone's gonna steal your wallet yes yeah that's right that's right you also yeah you have to be guarded and also open to the possibility um should we get to know us yeah you have to be guarded and also open to the possibility. Um, uh, should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. Amber. How is this?

How is this a whole time been for you this past nine months? Up and down. I imagine. Up and down and full and empty. Um, as soon as you asked me to be on the podcast, I was like, Oh my God on the podcast, I was like, oh, my God. The last time I was on, I had just got back from Bhutan and I had so much to say.

And now it's like, well, I know every crevice of my house and it's dirty. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm good. I am very good. I'm one of those people who is still working. I'm working full time. I'm a teacher and I'm doing my master's because why not?

What are you getting your master's in? I'm getting my master's in educational leadership. Huh. Okay. Does that put you in the principal mode? mode and um the best compliment i think i heard was from john cullen who is a comedian in town when i when i said on instagram i was doing that he also is a teacher and he uh replied to me and said bitch about to get admin money so i don't know that i want i'm not comfortable with john cullen saying bitch i'm not i don't like that i I'm going to write him an email. I don't know. I do not like that. I like the sentiment of money, though. Yeah, money is one of my favorite sentiments. I never as a kid, I had no idea. Aside from

being the leader of the school, I don't know what principal did. What does principal do? She's still getting her master's. They haven't taught that part yet. Yeah, They haven't taught that part yet. Yeah, they haven't taught that class yet. Oh, my God. What's a principal do? Run the show. No, I don't know.

Did you ever have to go to the principal's office when you were a youth? No. I, from birth to this day, remain very afraid of being in trouble. Yes. I skipped like two classes in all of high school and uh got away with one of them never i was just like never never was there any way when i uh went to high school if you missed a class a robot called your house yeah yeah did you have that yeah so the second time the time that i didn't get away with it my parents were out of town i was in grade 12 and they uh i was like whatever

i'll get the robot call uh so i skipped a class not remembering that there was a wake-a-thon that night and i like showed up and the principal was like, you have an unexcused absence. You can't come in. Oh, wow. So really, I learned my lesson. Now what, if you will enlighten us, what is a wake-a-thon? So deranged. It was all the grade 12 slept over at the school. Hmm.

What did the janitor think of all this? We had one of those before it was before the like it was like labor day of grade 12 like at the very start of the year yeah why was that a thing to do like why was that a desirable thing to do right it's like now i feel like if i pitched that to my kids they'd be like why would we come to the school like we'll just go have fun we can sleep anywhere who's like you know i think i'll i'll chaperone the grade 12s from like midnight till 3 a.m like that sounds horrible too like yeah i don't remember yeah i don't know i don't know maybe it was a fundra. Maybe it was a fundraiser. It was probably a fundraiser. Yeah. A fundraiser. Pretty good, Amber.

Pretty good. Yes. I'm comfortable. Oh, yeah, it happened. Yeah, it happened. Oh, where's your wallet, though? Yeah, I remember as a kid, I uh sent to the principal's office more than once and i like i always thought that was the entirety of the job was that he was just handling uh

truancy and uh that kind of stuff but maybe you do other stuff what does the leader of a school do oh man like here's what i truly know like set timetable, deal with inconsistencies between classes or, like, teachers, deal with a lot of angry parents. Oh, yeah, of course. Fire drills. Fire drills. Yeah, like, he's in charge of fire drills. Truly. Oh, man.

Request a fire drill. Can you imagine having that much power? You control the fire drills? Next best thing to controlling fire yeah it must be so fun when he goes in the hallway and pulls it breaks the little glass gets ink all over his hand and he can't get in trouble and then walks out with a clipboard yeah yeah yeah yeah um yeah and then like is the vice principal is that just kind of like what a vice president is like they're just kind of hanging out in case the principal dies if i'm being honest i see myself more as a vice principal than a

principal for that reason it's like you're not the last the buck doesn't stop at you it almost does but then if you need now you're like hey go see the principal yeah you're just kind of like the face you know you're there to do whatever ceremonial things you know cut the ribbon at a yeah at a gym opening yeah for a new desk or yeah i like the idea of having like the principal he can't pass the buck he or she except to god that's the one he can you go ask god if you're allowed to have one wake-a-thon this year one wake-a-thon or two um yeah uh so teaching is, did you have to do online? I did online from like April till June and looking back on it, it's much like, like much of my life. I'm like, why did I take it so seriously? I should have just been like, Oh, oops.

Instead I was like so stressed out. And let me tell you, kids, they fell apart. Just we lost kids from day one to the last day just like disorganized and as in my role like i kind of i'm like a i supervise a grade is the best way to say it anything that they deal with like an educational leader yeah um and teachers would email me and just be like this kid didn't turn up for like three classes in a row and he's not responding to my email. And I'd be like, here, let me try and email him. Nice.

See how this goes. Maybe you typed it in wrong. And we had like, we had to have grade meetings where, you know, it was, they wanted them to feel connected to the school. But you're like, hey, I guess you guys probably don't know what a Kahoot is. It's like an online quiz that you can all answer from different devices. I know, but being in Kahoots with somebody, like a criminal, we're in Kahoots. But every week it was like... What is it?

It's like a survey, like trivia game, but everyone can play from their phone they like go onto a website and enter like a entry code and can play so you know one week it was like guess the baby picture of the staff and then the next week it's like guess the baby picture of your peers about me this is mostly a picture of kids app it can be whatever you want yeah you could you can make a stop podcasting yourself quiz yeah well and your players your listeners could play well we're not good don't i know you're a teacher but don't give us homework work group project but like uh were you like on call for the whole day you had to work a whole day on the computer no my school was cool about it and they made us do um morning classes as google meets and then the afternoon was asynchronous work and so that's when kids would just be like

doing work and teachers might have like drop in office times where no kids showed up. And I just be frantically emailing kids being like, please check your email. Emailing them to check their email. Please. It's a requirement. You text them.

Some people only respond to texts. Some people only need a messenger. If I could get their Snapchat, send a TikTok of me doing a dance. Send a TikTok, absolutely. Yeah, you would lip sync to whatever assignment was. First, you'd have to record a hit single about whatever you were teaching. What subject do you teach? I teach social studies, which is the best one obviously social studies

yeah because that was uh that was like history right is that history politics everything that matters no offense no offense math no offense chem but it's like i don't know what went on there and i never used it again but chemistry yeah yeah. Yeah, me neither. And same with math. I've just hid from math my whole life. I use chemistry all the time because I don't know if you know this, but water is a chemical.

Yeah, that's good. H2O. Oh wow, what's that mean? It's like, I think one of the Halloween sequels. I think I did okay in chemistry. I think I did okay in biology. But what was the other one?

Physics? Yeah. Yeah. No way, man. That's just math. That's just another word for math. That's undercover math. Absolutely.

You know that song that's like, don't know song that's like don't know much about history don't know much about cartography or whatever yeah cartography what does he know at the end of that song love it's usually love yeah that he loves you and he hopes that you love him too boogie boogie boogie all night welcome to the wake-a-thon we'll be boogieing in the auditorium a wake-a-thon is if like several people have died and you have to do one wake after the other after the other it sounds like that would be a good place for a horror movie like the yes every you know you got a bunch of horny teens do you um do you like scary movies yeah are you oh my gosh are you calling me is this am i drew barrymore do the voice do the voice okay what's your favorite scary you did it fine yeah Mr. Wilson I don't really like scary movies

though I like my favorite is probably arachnophobia oh wow never seen I've only recently got into them and I'm into them in a big way now do you like them it's a love hate relationship I get terrified but it's like fun I guess that's the whole thing

about it but um yeah it's fun when you can like make a make a night of uh scaring yourself and like hating life you know yeah have you seen the the one that's about zoom yeah it's called host and it's so scary yeah and it's less than an hour it's like 56 minutes long you can watch it on this streaming service called shutter and you can get a free subscription so you don't have to pay for it and then you see the movie and then cancel yeah you get a free week or something yeah that's what i did yeah we that's all right that's dave and graham's tip for you um do you uh live alone i do live alone wow so is it is it scary to wow is it even scarier to watch a scary yeah so like at halloween the restrictions were a little bit less i can't remember what they were specifically but i had my two friends over for like you know i've been

keeping my bubble very tight don Don't get the wrong impression, but we watched the movie hereditary and we hyped it up. We were very scared. And then I knew that it would be fine that night, but we were like, we better sleep over just in case. And then it's like two days later, I'm just walking through my dark apartment.

And then, you know, that's when i get scared yes yeah two days later when i have flashbacks of there's another that same director made one called midsummer have you seen that i haven't seen that but i've heard it's good it's good but man oh man it you'll never go to sweden that's for sure really never go to sweden again yeah there was this thing that um i think it might have been halloween or maybe the day before the creators of sleep no more in

new york or broadway not sure the like experiential new york or empire state building top of the rock um but they did this like 24 hour event or maybe it was 12 hour where it just had like slow panning cameras like single shot going through this like swedish town and it was supposed to be like a festival that people went to like an experiential thing but then with covid they just like one camera filmed it and i watched it for a while and it was so spooky i was like looked up where it was filmed i'm like never going there just so eerie yeah yeah it's like i always thought of sweden to be a very like benign kind of culture and now that i've seen midsummer i'm like well if a swede created that then i'm out

i'm out a million percent i i've been a number of times to sweden oh yeah um but i haven't seen that movie so i can't really compare yeah just never if somebody invites you to go to a festival of any description do not go i went when you're four midsummer. Whoa. When the sun is up until like four in the morning and everyone drinks schnapps. Delicious. But we didn't, we just like, you know, went to someone's party. We didn't go to some, we didn't dance around a maypole or anything. I feel like this is how host starts where one guy's like, yeah, I'm part of a cult. starts where one guy's like yeah i'm part of a cult yeah if anybody introduces themselves that right out of the gates tells you they're in a cult

don't engage any further well people in cults don't know they're in cults do they well leaders do people who have taken their degree in cult leadership but like if you're in if you're the leader of a cult you wouldn't call it that you'd know that's true you'd call it family when you're here family yeah i'm a d a a certain order or something like that yeah i'm jeff from jeff's cult yeah i guess you're right like cults people in cults don't know they're in a cult they're just like i'm changing myself i'm growing as a person yeah yeah well again all those like the the nexium and scientology in the very beginning of it they like take these classes that are very basic kind

of like self-improvement things yeah and they work it's like they people gain confidence and so they're like i'm just gonna stick with this cult yeah yeah exactly if the cult's working for you then go right ahead are you familiar with a landmark it's not a call like toast masters yeah i think it might be it's like you pay and they tell you how big of a loser you are. And then they pay, they build you back up for a certain price. And then there's like level four dollars. You are a huge loser. They make you go on a bunch of Hollywood roasts.

But what, so they tell you you're a loser and then they say, well, the first session I think is like a three-day intensive where you like yeah they just tell you like you're a big loser and you've let everyone down in your life i haven't gone so this is all you're saying but they basically are like you're never going to accomplish anything because you have no confidence in your sellout and then and then you know they maybe build you back a bit more and then they're like

and if you want to take the next week-long session we'll tell you how to fix it all yeah yeah and i know some people who have done it and it seems very expensive yeah i know a guy i had a friend whose dad did like you did the publicity for tony robbins those seminars and he said that it's very very culty maybe cults are more prevalent than we realize yeah how can you tell if you're in a cult if it's just like i have a kahoot yeah yeah i'm in a kahoot that's right. 10 question Kahoot. I always talk about whenever cults come up, my friend's brother who joined a cult and his parents were like, well, they got him a job and found him a wife

and we're fine with him being in a cult. He's doing much better than he would have been outside of the cult. Yes. Technically, his wife is a goat. been outside of the cult yes technically his wife is a goat and uh um so you uh have you been on like uh what are like what's your favorite scary movie are we back in scream am i drew very more yeah no you're now graham you do the voice um what's your favorite scary movie? What's the deal with your favorite scary movie? My favorite genuinely scary movie.

Oh, good question. I really liked It Follows. Yes. You see that? That one's really spooky. That's like 80s one. Yeah, it has like an 80s vibe to it. Yeah, it's modern but yeah yeah like synthesizers

explain it to people you're like okay okay listen so there's this monster and it follows and you have to have sex with people you sound like a total pervert but it's really spooky but yeah and that's to me that's the movie pitch of the. It's a monster that chases you and you have to have sex. It's old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Relight. You send me the monster. What was the one where they had to be quiet and Jim from the office?

Right. And he kept looking at camera and they're like, shh. He would silently be like, hmm. I don't know what that one was called, but I did see it and it was fine. Was that a quiet place? I think it was. Yeah.

I think that's right. Yeah. I haven't seen that either. No, I haven't seen it. It's too scary. I thought it would be too crazy to watch in the theater because everybody has to be super quiet.

That would be. And I was like, no, they don't. Well, I mean, if they start talking everybody will hear you in the theater because everything on screen is super quiet just the sound of like popcorn munching yeah yeah yeah exactly lots of pop slurping um yeah it follows is great as that was an unexpected treat another great one of like a different genre but i watch scream probably every october it's that's nice it's classic it's like the home alone of

christmas no sorry of halloween it's not halloween until you watch scream right what uh moving into home alone territory do you have a favorite christ film? Okay, not only is Home Alone my favorite Christmas film, Home Alone is like top five favorite films. Yes, yes, here we go. Home Alone 1, Home Alone 2, also great. Home Alone 2 is somehow he gets lost in New York. I feel like that's what every sequel has to do, is go to New York or go to Europe.

york i feel like that's what every sequel has to do is go to new york or go to europe home alone two he like it starts exactly the same as home alone one with the like families rushing around yeah super busy and no one is like well i actually haven't seen i only saw it for like a few minutes the other day but does anyone is anyone like hey this feels very familiar i think when the mom wakes up for sure she says we did it again but nothing in the like lead up of the like bustling house they're never like oh yeah double check that we have kevin yeah i think they are like that oh really and then somehow like a neighbor kid gets in there or something like that is well that's the first one i think it's in the first one that the neighbor

kid gets counted at the second one he's in the airport he's lost in the airport he's looking for batteries i believe and then they just let him on the plane to new york it was in a more innocent time yeah the same thing happened uh in full house when they got onto a plane for they were in san francisco and they thought they were getting on a plane to oakland so this cute boy was going on and they ended up going to auckland new zealand wow that's when the uh you know the airport security was very permeable at that point in time. Uh, that would be a nightmare.

You think you're getting on like a two hour flight and it's like 16. Woo. Yeah. And you haven't brought like an eye mask or, you know, earphones or anything like that. Um, when you were a kid watching home alone,

were you terrified of the prospect of burglars breaking into a house while you're a kid or were you you did you delight in the whole idea of a kid having his house to all to himself i think i thought i'd be really good at it like i remember as a kid my mom made this briefcase into like a spy kit i think for my brother or maybe we each had one it was amazing and it was so good she i don't remember all the things in it but you know like maybe like a toy gun a magnifying glass a little notebook like all these things so i think i thought between home alone and harriet the spy i was like i'm made for this let me spy on my sister yeah um yeah i had there used to be things that you could get it was a brand called spy tech

and they had like a listening device and a fingerprint kit and stuff like that it was it was awesome i think for a long time i thought that would be a really fun career until i learned how tedious and like chemistry focused forensics would be very little social studies involved in the old yeah and i also thought it would be so great to be a private investigator and then i talked to one and he's like you just sit in a car and try to see people are committing fraud that's the whole job or like cheating on their partner like it's no he said he said he never did that once it was all fraud charges across the board yeah i think that's i wonder if someone would be like why is that it's definitely a thing in movies that you hire a private investigator to investigate to

see if your partner's cheating on you but in real life people are just like yeah i know he is well now it's just like i'll go through his phone or yeah yeah that's true and always in those movies they like meet the private detective on like a park bench or something and look at the photos out in public because i like does the private investigator not have an office or he doesn't want to get tailed to his office because the Kremlin, the KGB, wants to know if this lady's husband is cheating on her. It's like loser retired cop or something. When you were a kid with the spy stuff, did you start your own detective agency? I don't think a detective agency.

Like I said, I probably spied on a lot of people. I shouldn't have listened in on my sister's phone calls and stuff. But I did have a library as a kid. Set up all of the library books and then make your family take them out 15 times in a row. So you were the librarian in this scenario. Yeah. And would your family come? like you do it in your room yeah and it was always like a little disappointing because they'd be like oh great they took out the book what a thrill and then you'd be like hmm they took it out for a day now i wait yeah now i uh re-index my books yes you should have been like yeah uh bring that back in 10

minutes yeah or you owe me a quarter i also was really big into like babysitters club i i love the babysitters club and i definitely wanted to have a babysitters club and i wanted a phone in my room and i remember my brother just being like why why? Like, who would call you? And I was like, my detective clients. Yeah, my detective clients and the rest of the babysitters club. Yeah, sure. And then from home alone. Yeah. Yeah, that was a big thing as a kid.

If you knew somebody who had their own line. Oh, yeah. That was just, that was so amazing amazing i don't know what you do now because like i don't have a landline how like i was i remember when i was a kid like they always taught you like no learn your phone numbers in case you know you get in trouble or you need to call home yeah but like my kids won't i guess they'll have our phone numbers, but like they need to at a certain point, like be able to talk to their friends on the phone. Do I need to buy my kids a phone one day?

Yeah. You got to buy them a phone. No deal. That's the new, sooner than you think. I'm going to buy them a Kahoot. Just buy them one of the like never breaks Nokia. And just then say like,

as soon as you, when you're an adult, you can have an adult phone yeah just give them a burner that is weird like if they want to have a play date will they like text you and then not hear back and then like text abby they will never text me first yeah go text your mom i'm like i'm like so my bedtime is so much more fun than abby's bedtime when i do bedtime for the kids like we wrestle i let it i let i read extra stories of bedtime goes extra long i let them watch like a video in bed before i say good night wow but then uh doesn't matter which one they'll be like hey uh who's doing my bedtime tonight and i'll say mom and i'll be like yay

that's so cute they don't want to hurt their moms yeah that's what it is but they don't mind hurting mine oh man i i love the the notion of a little kid librarian that's great i've never heard that before very cute very wholesome would you so your family would come into your room and they'd be like i'm looking for a book on uh french cuisine and you'd be like i don't have that i have here's ratatouille i do have a berenstein bears where they cook fish or like i don't know why they're cooking fish definitely barbecue some salmon in one of them they forage some berries yeah um so teaching has been super weird during this time. Outside of teaching, have you taken up a hobby?

Are you just staring at the wall? What's going on? Wow. I wish I could account for my time. Me too. I look back over the last nine months and I'm like, hmm. Not a lot in the done column. I know.

Yeah. Um, wow. You know, here's something fun I've been doing in quarantine. Um, right away, a,

a friend acquaintance, we didn't know each other super well from Toronto, uh, started to do like a three times a week, like fitness class. Uh, it's monday thursdays saturdays anyone's welcome and the funny thing is that he is like not qualified in any way and so it's just some people getting on a zoom call and then he has like a little plan and uh we we do like a little exercise three times a week is it like an aerobics or uh it's like a hit so it's like 40 seconds on 20

seconds off oh okay two rounds and then four different times um and then because we're comedians and can't do anything small we like well not me but they made merch they have had like in the summer when things were a little bit better they like did a live cyber fit where they all in toronto went to a park and then he like uh um you know i was on that one too because he just like linked his phone with the wi-fi or whatever and so we did like a live cyber fit and wow this guy has unlimited data wow unlimited data and he's gotten ripped really has anyone have the other participants gotten ripped um can i ask you have you gotten ripped yeah you. You shredded? Yeah.

True opposite. Well, especially now because I can't make Monday or Thursday. I can only go on Saturday. Right. You know, here's another good news for him and CyberFit, a little plug. When I went back to the gym, I only went a few times, but I did like a weigh-in and i had gained three percent body muscle wow during covid so i i gained more muscle just working out in my apartment on zoom with some people and how how do you measure that is there a special you got a flax you flax and if if the bicep goes I said, you've lost muscle.

Yeah. Yeah. But then I also gained a bunch of weight because I've been sitting, I've been snacking. That's my other hobby. Yeah. Yeah. What's your go-to?

What's your go-to snack? Haagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream. Yeah. This is Dave's. Can talk about this. Yeah. I love it. Really?

A big thick vein of the peanut butter in there oh my god yes it's such like uh the two the two consistencies don't quite go together but when you get it but let peanut butter really just melt in your mouth i like mine for the peanut butter like eat all the chocolate around and then get a big like yeah yeah guy that's my number one that's my number one wow my number one ice cream i don't even like other ice cream really it's just i think i like the peanut butter yeah maybe peanut butter is cheaper than hogging does i know so much cheaper do you find yourself scooping out the peanut butter and putting it on bread yeah um it's delicious that's that is delicious yeah that's my number one go-to yeah and like have you been reading or you know anything in that in that world you gotta shame me like this i know you're a bit of a librarian. Yeah, I understand you used to run a library.

Yeah, as a former librarian, I've really fallen off the wagon. Like, no. No, okay, fair. Honest answer. I've been reading for my master's. Brene Brown is as amazing as everyone says she is. Yeah, I've been reading for my master's. Also, here's a question.

What is a master's? I hear it used in the conversation,'s i don't i hear it used in a in the conversation but i don't know what it is it's a gateway to make more money no um so i'll write a thesis like i'll pick a topic and do like research she made a face yeah you made a face that's made it look like no research is gonna happen no no research will apparently happen you can't fake it you can't just use anecdotal here's the other thing my master's program rules and like they're obviously responding to the situation with covid and like teachers everyone in the program is teachers or in schools in some capacity right and i haven't told anyone this because i i want people to respect my

masters but they canceled the november paper for us to make a mind map and write a reflection about how we felt making the mind map now like this is the easiest masters ever graham and i both know the answer to this but um we're gonna ask you to explain to the listener not us because we know what's a mind map like um like a central idea on the sheet of paper and then mad sad yeah angry glad yeah yeah so it's like what matters in schools and then you're like connection belonging learning achievement and you know keep going out from there but i put i did put thought into, but could you make a product in five minutes? Yes, you could. Nice.

Thank you, masters. Did you know from any younger age that you wanted to be a teacher? Or did you figure it out over time? Because it seems to be like the scariest job around. Yeah. Really? Why do you say scary? Graham never went to school he only

saw dangerous minds that's right dangerous minds and then i wrote my thesis about it um wait why scary though because you know kids or teens they're against they're working against me and my agenda so you know like if i see teens out on the street i cross the street man and so you're in a room full of teens and commanding their attention which is terrible and sometimes i have to like earlier in the year i had to like walk up to a bunch of scary boys old like grade 12 boys and be like hey you can't do that and my heart was racing they would never know um yeah i decided i wanted to be a teacher when i it was always like i want to be a teacher or an interior designer i want to be a teacher or a paramedic and then i was just like so indecisive that i was like i i always liked

school and i was really lucky that i had amazing teachers yeah like all the way through so i didn't as much so that was my also my idea of what a teacher was was somebody very old that was done with their job yeah yeah it's quickly you get there quickly yeah you're still young you'll be there soon yeah yeah yeah i i love teaching i like truly think it's the only thing i would want to do and it's really the only thing i'm good at i think and like i don't know kids are so funny they're so silly they're so dumb but like yeah i think it's one of the most important jobs in the world but i uh i couldn't i couldn't i don't even think i could teach a room full of adults and i'm not scared of adults but uh or little kids man little kids they don't they don't give a shit what you're trying to do yeah yeah i'm more scared of

little kids than i am teenagers like teenagers you can just be like hey shut up and they're like yeah yeah cool yeah cool i learned that i know how to do that yeah no kids little kids you're not allowed to say shut up that's true or like i talk to little kids exactly how i talk to anyone so they don't like my sarcasm right whereas that buys me some credibility with teenagers yeah yeah sarcasm big in the teen yeah yeah that's number one expression of self in teen years is sorry yeah yeah surliness no surliness absolutely moodiness the other day i went into where the grade 12s were hanging out and they were all just like angry and angsty and kind of being like like talking back and i just got the attention in the room and i was like oh the mood in here is rebellious teenage angst and i was just like making fun of

them but they liked it they were all like yeah yeah she gets us roast us oh we're angry in here today, aren't we? And then you cackle and out the door you go. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, speaking of Home Alone, my kids watched Home Alone for the first time. Nice. I thought you were going to say, I'm home alone. It's late for the kids to be out. We watched it this past weekend. When I first saw Home Alone, it was my 10th birthday party.

We saw it at the movie theater. And it was great. I think it snowed after we got out. I have a lot of nice memories of going into a movie, and then when I leave, it's snowing. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, because you'd seen so many on-screen versions of snow in that movie the main the old guy was a snow shoveler it's it's a very snowy film i did a little research so that old guy uh the old man in the in home alone he was only 44 oh my god jesus christ really no he was like 65 or something

here's something that's one of those things yeah you know um is it batman returns with penguin yeah batman returns yeah yeah that's that's a crazy that is a crazy movie and i heard that it's because uh tim burton made so much money for the studio with the first one that they gave him complete creative control and then they made a movie that the studio is like huh it's weird and sexual and dark i'm not sure we can mark this um so at the beginning of that movie they you know penguin gets put into a bassinet and put in the sewer yeah and then it jumps forward and it says 33 years later yeah penguin is the same age as me that's harsh that's hard to hear yeah yeah we all remember our penguin year

same age as jesus christ yeah that's right uh so we we watched home alone and it was great like i was like i saw when i was 10 is is six and three or almost four too young but we you know we had to explain some things but mostly what we had to explain was like because the kids haven't seen like looney tunes we had to explain like well that is a hot iron they're putting on the doorknob yeah yeah yeah uh because they haven't learned to like hilarious cartoon violence kind of thing yeah so the the first thing that uh struck me was i always remembered it as being like this huge family i assumed it was like eight parents and their kids going to france but there's only four parents yeah and they've got so many kids yeah and all i remember is there's a kid that uh drinks too much pepsi and fuller fuller

and in home alone 2 it's coke they must have gotten a pretty good that's an upgrade yes me yeah uh me too and then what buzz is that is buzz is his bigger brother yeah yep uh with the spiky hair yeah he was like and he goes buzz your girlfriend that is one of the better lines in the film um one thing i uh didn't remember from seeing it when i was a kid was that that iconic thing where he puts the aftershave on his face and goes ah it happens twice oh really yeah i do not recall that same thing he puts cologne on his hands. Yeah.

Weird. Like two days in a row. I don't think I remember that. That's funny. Um, he, he, uh,

I noticed that he, his like coats and sweaters are so big in the movie that anytime he runs, he can't move his arms it was something that only stuck up to me stuck out to me now yeah yeah it's also i feel like when i was a kid i didn't like the movie and i've what yeah i think over time i've liked it more and more but when i was a kid i just thought like i thought he was just a shitty kid you know i didn't like i was like i'm a kid this guy i'm gonna watch another kid in a movie this is horseshit and then what movies did you like at that age uh when did it come out 90 uh ninja turtles would have been high on my list harry and the hendersons would have been oh great movie yeah that's fair i wonder

if that movie holds up though harry and the hendersons yeah what wouldn't hold up about it i i don't know is it still believable i've struck a chord with graham the sasquatch is like using men right activists kind of language yeah harry is an incel he's got a neck beard that's a great man oh man um the uh yeah in home alone the one another thing that stood out was that he so this family is so rich they have this gigantic house the dad is flying everyone like 15 people to france for christmas yeah they stay in this super nice french hotel uh but when kevin is like checking to see if the cars are still there the cars are still there and they're just like regular cars like i don't know if luxury cars existed back then.

Yeah, but it wouldn't be like, because isn't it a van that they all kind of pile into? Well, that's like the airport van. Oh, I see. It's like the shuttle. Yeah. They have like a station wagon and just some, you know, Chevy. Yeah. Yeah.

Chevy, they build a solid car. Maybe they did more in the 90s than now maybe the chevy was the luxury car i feel like now they would all be in like teslas yeah they would all be in teslas the what if i recall correctly the um that movie was like held the record for longest continuous showing in movie theaters at the time like because it started in october and i went through december and in january and february and then march of the following year because it was like the family movie so you could go you take your kids more than once i think but yeah maybe i i feel like Gone with the Wind was probably in theaters for five years.

Yeah, but that's when there were only two movies. Yeah, and then Titanic was in theaters for like a year. Yeah, that's right, Titanic. Do you see it in the theater? Oh, many times. Wasted a lot of money. Many times in the theater? Yeah, I used to have a stand-up joke about how that was very bad parenting.

Teaching me no financial responsibility. Just like, yeah, you want to see a stand-up joke about how that was very bad parenting. Teaching me no financial responsibility. Just like, yeah, you want to see that movie again? Sure. Yeah, just why don't you go and watch Titanic again? It costs the same for you to see a 90-minute movie as the three-and-a-half-hour movie, so go do the three-and-a-half-hour one. Yeah, and like a vacation from my kid. I want to say I saw it like like i have two numbers in my head

which are four and seven and i can't confirm how many times i saw it but it was was leo your number one crush oh my number one crush he was definitely up there yeah did you see romeo and julia in the theater speaking of number one crush not in the theater but i also had a big crush on him in that yeah that was who else were your crushes oh can we guess yeah guess okay jc jc chazay that's good um what was the middle kid from uh jonathan taylor thomas yeah jonathan taylor thomas yeah okay here's a here's one i i had a crush on someone in the movie scream we're already talking about scream oh matthew lillard yeah it was matthew lillard he's great he's very talented yeah he's good sure sure didn't he play shaggy on the scooby-doo shaggy yeah yeah he's in a movie called summer catch with freddie prince jr maybe oh yeah well he was also in scooby-doo with freddie prince jr and scream

with freddie prince jr is freddie prince jr and scream no no okay now watching it i'm like skeet all rich is hot now but you know 10 year old ember was like oh i just love this cartoony teenager well he's so cartoony in it well it was didn't he wasn't he like exactly like some other actor skeet wasn't he yeah he looked like johnny depp he looked like johnny depp that's right yeah and then it was uh just it was like how uh dominique Swain looked like Kirsten Dunst. Yes. There were a couple of, you know, knockoffs. And Christian Slater was like a down market Jack Nicholson.

Yeah. Yeah. How rude of me. Down market. Oh, boy. Look who I'm calling out. You know what I i mean yeah yeah kick my ass all over the place um so back to home alone yeah that church scene is so long oh is it really yeah oh it's unbearable the kids were like the only time the kids were bored that was during that and they were like

this is pretty boring and i was was like, you're right. Who cares about this old man? I love how Marv and Harry, I think are the criminal names. Whenever, like when they're, you know, invading the home and they're hurt and they're walking around. They're always like, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry. I'm like, you know. They're very. I'm so angry.

hurt you're coming coming up they're very so angry yeah they're very like uh they don't dress how you think uh criminals would dress because they're like his shoes get like uh tarred off and he's got like you know leather bottomed dress shoes and like they have wool pants joe pesci's wearing a waistcoat um oh shit i forgot what i was gonna say yeah they were tough oh yeah that was a thing like i even when the first time i saw it that he was creating a calling card for robbing houses and i was like they only do that with serial killers they don't do like a series of robbers well the wet bandits at it again right that's what you want to be the wet bandit yeah the wet bandit yeah i love in the second movie completely random but one of my favorite things in the home alone franchise is when he has one

of those like voice recorders that makes it like a deep voice yeah and he records so he can book a hotel room or something and it goes i'm peter mccallister the father wasn't that a thing that it only existed in the movie and then people wanted it so bad that they turned it into a toy that's cool if that's true i think yeah because it was a little gray recorder thing with a microphone yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what he needed batteries for that's right um i did you see that pierce morgan has is now denying that he played the uh bird lady from home alone 2 issues a statement his 2020 2020 just got way worse yeah yeah his manager is like we're we're in damage control mode and like side by side there's some similarities like that he's just so fun to to rile up i feel like that's the thing the more you resist it the more people

are convinced that it is you yeah yeah it's so hard the more you resist it the more people are convinced that it is you yeah yeah yeah it's so hard to get away from it now i'm just gonna be like oh yeah pierce morgan uh home alone guy yeah yeah oh man that would be a great thing if one of his guests called him the home alone guy during an interview that would roll so were those all real pigeons? No, I mean... Yeah, so yeah, I watched Home Alone with the family. Loved it. Yeah.

One thing I would do different if I was Home Alone at age 10 is I would have watched so much more TV. He spends no time watching TV. He was that one gangster. I'm eating junk and watching trash. Yeah, exactly. You better come junk and watching trash. Yeah, exactly. Better come out and stop me.

Yeah. What money? Like, how did he, it was just money lying around the house kind of thing. He sold money from buzzes, like, uh,

tarantula or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. I love when he goes grocery shopping and the woman's all suspicious and he's like, Oh, I have a coupon for that. Like he's all responsible. I was like, why is Kevin McAllister better at grocery shopping and the woman's all suspicious and he's like oh i have a coupon for that like he's all responsible i was like why is kevin mcallister better at grocery shopping than

me how many bags do you need 52 i don't know um yeah so would you are you gonna try the sequel as well uh we started watching it uh the next day but i don't think we made it very far i never saw it myself oh no um i've been boycotted well i was 10 when the first one came out and i was when i was i was 12 i guess when the second one came out i was i was too old for it not that i didn't see the santa claus the following year in the theater opening day in the theater i believe um yeah oh boy that movie what's your favorite christmas movie christmas movie like real christmas already know mine like what's not a real christmas movie well you know there's like people will say like gremlins you know oh you know i mean it takes place at christmas yeah but like actually like a real

real deal christmas movie yeah my new favorite from uh like as an adult is one called rare exports huh huh yeah it's uh i think it's finnish i think maybe norway oh aren't you so cultured it's so good if you have you've never seen it oh it's on shutter no one's seen it it's a scary movie yes but it's not like it's scary in a very very fun way and it's uh and it's very wholesome at the same time it's really really good you know kim kardash Kardashian's favorite movie is rear exports. Excellent work. Excellent work. Everybody.

What's it about? It's about, uh, a father and son that are like reindeer farmers. And, uh, they discover, um,

that some of they've been doing like a mining of the, the mountain that they live near. And it turns out that they're mining for the body of Santa Claus. And it just gets crazy from there. Okay. Yeah. Um, I, yeah, I guess mine. I like a lot. I, yeah, I guess mine, I like a lot.

I like, I like the Muppets Christmas Carol and the Elf. Elf has stood the test of time more than any other Will Ferrell movie. That's true. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, but like in terms of like Christmas time, what really like makes me, gives me that kind of warm feeling is the fact that there's usually like a james bond marathon or an indiana jones marathon yeah that you can just like it's not christmas related but it makes me feel like christmas yeah there's nothing else going on so you could just like sit on the couch and yeah dive in yeah yeah is yours home alone oh yeah without question oh yeah sit on the couch and dive in. Yeah. Is yours home alone?

Oh yeah. Without question. Oh yeah. Although like, I don't, I wouldn't, I would not list the Santa Claus, but do I watch that more than you might think? Like,

you know, like I probably watch that every other year. I was like Christmas baby. That's the Tim Allen one, right? Yeah. It's bad. Well, I just like, even as a kid, I was like, you know, like I probably watch that every other year. Really? As a Christmas movie. That's the Tim Allen one, right? Yeah, it's bad. Well, I just like, even as a kid, I was like, Tim Allen is bad. I like, whenever Home Improvement came out, I was like, this is bad. I watched it because it was TV.

I loved it. Did you really? Yeah. I couldn't stand him. This is long before that I knew that he was a rotten human being as well. No, yeah, no, I couldn't tell he was a rotten human being. I loved him. He is a really bad dude, right?

Yeah. He went, er. He always went, er. Yeah. I enjoyed that. I just watched for Jonathan. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like Zachary Ty Bryan got a real screwed over by Was he the eldest? He was the eldest, yeah. And Tara Noah Smith. They all had three names. Because they were assassins. Yeah, they were assassins, that's right. I think John Hinckley Jr. was the other brother. And Freddie Prince Jr. Freddie Prince Jr., of course.

Sarah Michelle Gellar. Yeah, Sarah Michelle Gellar, absolutely. She popped the cap freddie prince jr yeah freddie prince jr of course sarah michelle giller oh yeah sarah michelle giller absolutely oh yeah she she popped the cap in gerald fort yeah jennifer love hewitt what's your middle name amber alexandra i was just thinking maybe i that would give me more credibility yeah he's all three i think that somebody with three names like where they go by three names that's very intimidating names like where they go by three names that's very intimidating if somebody's like call me three things instead of one uh yeah it's a power move it's a huge power move absolutely what's your middle name my middle name is hyde pierce david hyde pierce shumka so technically it's four names yeah and they

didn't name you after the actor you were way you were they were just he was a kid you know yeah i mean my parents actually hated the actor i was born during fraser but they hated born during fraser like when they were watching fraser they laughed so hard that you were born no they had like this set up. I was born in the bathtub and they had all these screens set up. Just showing Frasier. Yeah, a lot of VHS copies of Frasier. The other birth plan included like a go bag with VHS. Yes, and the soothing sounds of Kelsey Grammer answering phone calls.

Oh, man, that's good. What's going on with you, Graham? Well, this is a stressful time for everybody, right? If it's not the COVID situation, it's the holiday situation. People are stressed out. It's the holiday situation, so whoop-dee-doo. Whoop-dee-doo and hickory dock. Don't forget to hang up your sock

because just exactly at 12 o'clock it'll be coming down your chimney down. Lovely. Got a peppermint stick for old Saint Nick and lots of goodies for you and for me. So get a peppermint

stick for old Saint Nick and hang it on the Christmas tree. Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo. so i was on took the train i was in full gift buying mode so i had to like what yeah i had to get on a train i had to go to the town no i didn't go to mall but i did go to some shops like some local shops but i had to go downtown for one thing and it's a nightmare being on the train uh it's nobody is distancing at all they're trying but there's nowhere to go you know like everybody is doing the thing they're all wearing the masks they're following the procedures um but i was on a train with uh these two guys came on with bikes and uh they both weren't wearing masks and i was like oh boy these guys suck and one of them uh had like one of those audio pill things and was playing music out of them. Fuck your fucking fucking guy. Yeah, these two guys

like the absolute scum of the earth just came on the train. I, as soon as they got on, I walked to the farthest end of the train away from them because I was like these guys are trouble. They're looking for somebody to say, put on a mask and they're

going to wail on that person. And so yeah, i got as far down the train as i could and then uh heard some ruckus i looked around sure enough they got in a fight and uh with a guy with long gray hair and a beard that i was like this does look like somebody's wailing on santa yikes yeah and like the train came to a stop and the doors opened up and the guy was like kicked off the train and then he kept getting back in the train i was like you've lost this fight who was kicked off old man old man yeah old man carothers and the the two bike dudes one of the bike dudes was like don't he's trying to make to make the peace. He's like, don't. We don't need this.

We don't need this kind of trouble. This big fight kept going on and in my head I was like, oh good, two people that weren't wearing masks. Let's let them take care of each other. Just wipe each other out. But everybody was just watching the fight

and some people were taping it for a world star or whatever. And the only person who tried to break it up was this very tiny Chinese woman. They tried to get in between the two of them. She had been sitting there with a tray of muffins on the train. She put them down and tried to interfere with this fight. And everybody was screaming, don't get out of there! What are you doing? Do not try and break up

this fight. And she just was the sweetest little lady trying to break up a fight. God bless her. And the two skids got away, as did the other guy. Who knows who started it? But there were three... Was the old man

with a beard and a mask no oh yeah so i was like these guys all suck let them all knock each other out you know what do they aren't they like allegianced with is that the word like allied with each other yeah why would they fight wearing masks they're like i'm allowed but you're not allowed yeah yeah maybe like yeah maybe it's like a macho thing or something like if somebody else is doing it then it makes it no fun for you yeah i'm the alpha asshole uh wow yeah so it was like it was pretty it was pretty wild but i think like that could only happen during this time of year where

everybody's ratcheted up the tension is so thick that uh that something like that can just go off and uh and god bless that little lady for trying to uh solve the problem but she really was being was she okay yeah she was fine were the muffins okay yeah the muffins were all right she got off the train their muffins were fine they were kirkland uh brand wow those big guys you know yeah i was picturing like freshly baked like she's on some delivery because she's a absolute saint they're steaming she's an absolute unit i just participated in a cookie exchange and it was very good so tell us all

about it what are the rules of the exchange my friend Amy organized and so everyone made like two dozen treats dainties and then she collected them all and then reorganized them all and then dropped them off and that was my dinner tonight

if i'm being honest it's so good and what a good covid safe thing and uh you know all different varieties why is it why is it covid safe why is it any more covid safe than any other meal you just took food food from a bunch of different people brought it to one place they intermingled and they all went back out to everyone yeah okay you're right i'm operating under the assumption that um food doesn't spread it as easily as air i guess it does if you like eat half a bread bowl and then somebody eats the other half of the bread ball. Sure. Yeah, we each took a bite. Or if the cookies are like sneezer doodles or something. Chocolate chip mucus.

These are my Ebeneezer sneezer doodles. Oh boy. That's good. That's good. My first recipe I made, I was trying to make like homemade score bars and as i was like crushing up some ritz by hand and then pouring condensed milk over it i was like this is really 2020 energy like this is a little unhinged right now and then i burnt them

and cut my fingers and had to remake something else and i was like spoke too soon this is 2020 yes yes you were the wet bandit in that scenario condensed milk is insane it's insane it's the thing that comes in a can right it's it comes in a can it's so sweet i guess sweetened condensed milk but it's like it it's the like you could make anything delicious with it but your heart would stop yeah it's really weird but it's so delicious that was that one of the ingredients in your homemade score bars yeah and then it is also how i cut my finger because i was like out of the can out of the can? Out of the can. You know, you very much deserve that wound. You didn't condense milk out of a can with your finger, no less. And then, so then I burnt that recipe.

Classic. And then I was so frustrated. I was like, oh, clean this up in the morning. And then I woke up in the morning and it ruined two pans. Like, they're just, you can't get it out. I was like, these cookies are cursed. What was your favorite cookie that you got in the cookie exchange? Wow.

That's a tough question. I like to, I like to ask the tough questions. Yeah. Graham's kind of like Mike Wallace. Is that a guy? Like Pierce Morgan. Pierce Morgan.

Yeah. I was not the pigeon lady. There was, like, a really good, like, lemon, I think it maybe had, like, a graham cracker crust and lemony, cheesecakey stuff. That was really good. Wow. Yeah, that sounds deluxe. Did you stick with the score bar, or did you try another recipe because you had ruined several pans? I tried a different recipe.

It was a little disappointing. I just made like boring old macaroons or whatever they're called. Just like oats, chocolate. I'm officially, I've done my part. Now give me cookies. Now give me your good ones. Yeah. A lot of people just open up their package of cookies and there's an IOU from Amber.

Just a drawing of a cookie. Yeah. Dirty Kleenex. A sneezer doodle. Sneezer doodle. Oh, man. Well, what do you guys think? Should we move on to some overheards let's do it overheard overheard's a segment in which uh if your ears can pick up something from where you are or if your eyes can see something or if your hands can touch something

hilarious uh don't just save it to yourself give it here to the podcast and we always like to start with the guest ember do you have an overheard i do have an overheard um it's a bit simple but i feel like it represents you know a good mentality for this year and i overheard my co-worker saying it um i'm assuming talking about going into a meeting and he said you know i'm just gonna go in with an open mind and an open laptop yes that's all you you can ask if anyone can ask that's somebody who's achieving their goals 100 yeah yeah that's great that's what i should have gone into year this year with that attitude yeah yeah i mean i guess how often do you close your laptop never yeah never no just except if it's in a bag like if i put it in a backpack. Yeah, I move mine around all the time.

When I move it around, I move it around like I'm showing a house or whatever. Oh, sure. Yeah. No, I never close it. I wouldn't even know how to open it back up if I didn't. Did I ever tell you when I went to the to the Mac store and one of the geniuses like the first thing they said is it's like, you know you can clean your screen, right?

Oh, shut up. Yikes. And you're like, oh, how? Like this? And then you started pouring water all over. Fix this genius. Oh, I guess I'm not a genius like you you i like to write out the gate you're like so i was at apple and a genius said to me it is very easy to be sarcastic about yes that word yeah apple genius and subway artist those are the two hilarious things there's a brian reagan bit about like if einstein's so smart how come people only say his name sarcastically way to go

dave do you have an overheard yeah mine's from a few weeks ago it's it's just kind of i guess it was an overseen it just made me laugh uh it was a news story um the hudson's bay company the bay yeah they closed a few stores because they were behind on rent or something yeah yeah yeah and i just was watching this news story about how the bay closed and they they got the perfect shot they because it unexpectedly closed, and they got a shot of the outside of the bay and a person walking up and unable to open the door. And it was just like, it was just the perfect thing. Like, oh, I'm locked out of the bay.

And I feel like it was, it's the kind of thing that a news cameraman dreams about. Or it's a thing where the reporter is like, okay, put the camera on a tripod now you cameraman go and yeah hey intern who's uh shadowing me for the week go be the dumb customer yeah oh boy that's uh but i feel yeah i feel very sorry for the Bay. RIP. They have the oldest corporation in North America, and they didn't think to buy real estate.

Yeah, they're renting. I thought that they owned the places. That was news to me that they were renting places. I thought they owned all the places. I think it was their mall locations. Oh, okay. Not these giant Bay stores in downtown. Yeah, I think they like the block that they own, that they have in Vancouver, they probably own and it's like worth $300 million. You know, at one point they were heavily involved in real estate when they had trading posts all over Rupert's land.

That is correct. That sounds like social studies to me. Now, what did felt hats have anything to do with that? Beaver hats. Beaver hats. Yes. Beaver hats, very popular. That was our contribution to the international market.

Yeah. Beaver hats. Give us a quick lesson in social studies, please. Oh, my Lord. Grade 11. Can you narrow it down a bit oh okay uh october the october crisis great there we go it's the flq they're bombing mailboxes they're uh i don't know what else i literally meant what you teach in october of grade 11 we do it thematically by month i like that you knew like you got right into october that

was fantastic peter lacrosse i think is the name lacrosse was he the guy that was kidnapped who's the guy that got kidnapped i think lacrosse was the the trade commissioner i'm the british trade commissioner pump trolley the sketch group i had back in the day, had a very funny FLQ crisis about the cops coming to save the kidnapped victim and they were like sexy strip cops.

Nice. That does sound funny. Did the victim die? Yes. Yes. So not as funny. And then they revoked all our civil liberties that's right just watch me um graham what is your overheard my overheard was uh i was at whole foods and i oh you love it whole paycheck it's what you call absolutely i always have um i go there because i like a particular cookie that they make.

That's the only reason I go in there. That they make, like from the bakery? Yeah, yeah. Which one? It's like a giant oatmeal chocolate chunk cookie. Oh, okay. And it's the only place you can get them. And anytime I'm near Whole Foods, I go and buy them.

I've been very disappointed by their bakery section. So I stay away yeah i mean like i feel like it every because it's like so fancy everything should be great but yeah no but i gotta try this cookie now yeah it's delicious uh it's chewy that's the big thing about it is like a really chewy cookie yeah um and it's just a lot of fun to eat good mouthfeel um but i was i was going to my till they kind of like call out a number for the till that you're going to and uh i went i placed my things in front of the cashier and she started ringing them through and then she said do you need do you need a bag ma'am yeah I get it

and I was like no no I'm a man broke your beard I'm fine did she correct herself oh yeah she lost her mind she started laughing so hard she's like oh I can't believe I did that. She's on autopilot? Yeah.

Like the whole time she was scanning and stuff. She couldn't stop laughing. She thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I don't know about the funniest thing in the world, but it's up there. Then was she like uh how far along are you you look about eight months i did it again yeah uh yeah quite the faux pas oh man so great it was i didn't even i didn't even clock it when she said it i was

like and she just laughed so hard for so long i think as i walked away she was still laughing so it really made her day good glad you could be there for her yeah if i could put a smile on one whole foods employees face then it's all been worth it you know more like whole paycheck that's right um now we also have overheard sent in from people all over if you want to send one in to us you can send it into spy at maximum fun dot org and uh this first one is from john c john cena yeah john cena i was hoping that you would that you would notice John Cena. He's writing to us from a pair of cargo shorts. Oh, sure. Did you know that John C. Reilly's middle name is Cena?

So John C. is at the DMV in Connecticut. A female DMV worker was helping a man at a counter nearby. Woman, what is your height? Man, I don't know. Woman, you don't know your height? Can you take a guess? Man, 5'9". Woman, you're not 5'9". Man, 5'7"?

Well then, why would you make him guess only to be like hmm? Yeah, why did you just guess yeah why do they why bother like if you're allowed to just make up your height yeah that's true but don't you you got that on your driver's license right do they wait wait yeah i think they're always like what yeah what's your height what's your weight and i don't even know how tall I am, but I can ballpark that way better than I could ballpark.

Like how many kilograms I weigh. Like it's always. Oh yeah. Kilograms. Oh man. I don't want to know how many kilograms I am. I think it would, you'd like it. I think you'd like to know how many kilograms you are.

Cause it's less. It's less, but it also feels like you can lose a pound, but you can't lose a whole kilogram., but you can't lose a whole kilogram. No, no. You can't. You can't lose a whole kilogram. That's what they say. That's what they say, yes.

And I, yeah, like my, I, they never ask. They're like, when I am renewing my driver's license, I always, I take off my glasses so they don't make me because i can like fake my way through a driving just a driver's like encounter yeah and be like i don't believe my prescription is enough that i would require these lenses to drive but boy do i and then i uh make uh but they're never like have you put on any weight yeah no i gave my weight 10 years ago and it apparently remains that i don't think i've ever yeah updated it have you put on any height i gotta lose some height yeah Yeah, oh, COVID. I'm gonna get back to my pre-COVID body. Yeah, I'm 6'4 now.

I have to get down to a manageable size. I'm just adding inches as we go. I put on two inches last week. You know, you can put on inches, but you can't lose centimeters. That's true. Yeah. The old saying goes. This next one comes from somebody who identifies themselves as AP in Virginia. I work in a middle school, which is pretty ripe with kids say the darndest.

But with everything very virtual, they've been forced to write more than ever. Lately, we've been experimenting with similes, and one of my kids wrote this about a character in the book we're reading. Tobias is a real needle in a haystack, like pinching you every time in the butt. That kid's got similes. I don't know what book that is, but if there's a character named tobias i am out what is this old timey shit you said earlier you're like scared of teenagers you just have to like read a paragraph they write and then you're like oh yeah yeah i'm not scared even anymore yeah i remember like hearing david letterman interviewed, and he said when he started out on the show,

he was so scared of the bands, because they were like this group of cool kids, and then he said he realized they were terrified to be there, and he felt sympathy for them. But imagine having to have near teens on your show all the time. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I'm sweating just thinking about it.

Yeah, that would be scary. This last one comes from mitchell in montana this is an older woman saying he's a nice guy he's always sending me soup but the soup sucks that's the magic ingredient is don't make your soup suck yeah how much soup the magic ingredient is don't make your soup suck yeah how much soup how do you send soup no one has ever sent me soup you you can put it in a bag yeah or if you work in an office building they can just send it through those pneumatic tubes one of those tube things just ruin the tubes i'm setting up some soup put your bowl by the tube by the tube hole I'm picturing the guy just dumping a whole thing of soup into the pneumatic

tube and it just spraying every which way no no it keeps it real tidy oh boy now in addition to overheards that are written we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us you can do it by pressing these numbers into your phone. [phone].

That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Nolan calling in an overheard from Nashville, Tennessee. Dave and Graham, this is Nolan calling in an overheard from Nashville, Tennessee. I was on a bus and the driver was ranting about sanitation and the coronavirus and was talking about how the virus is mutating and said, it's like them little frogs.

What are they called? Ninja turtles. Well, off I go. Those little frogs. Yeah, they're mutating. Yeah, I mean, that was my first introduction to mutation was the Teenage

Ninja Turtles. Go through what were your next ones. My next, I think probably the Mutants from the X-Men. Oh, sure. And then you know, wasn't there a band no there's a band called the misfits not the mutants uh yeah uh boy uh toxic avenger yes yes have you ever seen that movie no it is wild i saw a different one it's a different movie the movie that is just the best way to respond to if somebody's asked you if you've seen a movie

no i saw another one yeah i've seen a movie but not that one but we can talk about it we can talk about cinema yeah there's probably similarities yeah yeah exactly 24 frames a second yeah? Yeah, yeah, I've seen that. I've seen that. Okay, here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Alex from Toronto. I'm just browsing for waffle makers online right now,

and my girlfriend was looking for one on a Facebook marketplace, and she found a listing for a waffle maker that says, brand new waffle maker. I decided I don't want to use it. I just prefer Eggos. Yes. The saddest story ever told. The saddest short story in the world. Yeah.

Waffle maker never used. Yeah, never used. Prefer Eggos. Like that six word story? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Have you... When was the last time you had an ego you know i thought about buying them in the grocery store the other day me too i was i was very tempted at the frozen food aisle yeah and i was like that's delicious that can be like a

delicious snack dip it in some syrup um but then i didn't because i remembered that they never get crispy they're always a bit soggy the yeah i think there was a way like either you defrosted them first and then you toast them i can't remember there was some kind of system to it have you been to in like whole foods i uh whole paycheck i mean yes all paid I call it that because of how much it costs but like we were talking about how

I had such high hopes for the bakery department I I remember I bought some frozen waffles there because I'm like

oh they'll be much better than Eggos because they're like you know $14 yeah exactly and they weren't they weren't any good at all

like my big thing with eggos or waffles in general but mostly with eggos is that i'd have to fill every one of the divots with syrup they all had to be filled before i'd eat it it took a long time but it was worth it my big thing with eggos was i needed someone to lego mine but yes is that right i was gonna say am i at the age where i like i might be at the age where i want to buy a waffle maker just because i want waffles my parents bought a waffle maker at a garage sale for two dollars and we used it weekly because it was waffle maker on one side and then you flipped the plates around and it was a grilled cheese maker on the other i had i had a grilled cheese one in university and oh so good and then hard to clean though it's a problem this one yeah this one was probably a managed to clean but it was probably from the 62 is a giant steel thing with like lead plates in it lead

anyway my family my family all died you're all poisoned here's your final overheard hi dave and probable guest this is gabrielle calling from toronto uh i hope it's okay i'm there's a large calling from Toronto. I hope it's okay. There's a large fan near me. I hope it's not picking up too much. Anyway, I'm calling in an overheard from this past weekend. My partner and I, we went on a walk at one of our local parks. There's a dog park inside of it, so there's a lot of dogs in the area.

And we were walking down a hill down the trail. And we passed like three or four people. And there were about three large ish shaggy dogs kind of like poodle breeds. Anyway, one of the male dogs tried to mount a female dog that was running around. The owners successfully separated them. And the owner of the male dog continued walking up the hill past my partner and I as she passed she whispered to her dog you can't just hump everyone and that's my overheard I just thought it was great and I needed to share it yeah dogs that's a good lesson for all the dogs out there you can't just hump everyone it's like the opposite of it follows i like the idea of whispering to a dog being like you're embarrassing me yeah come on god we went

over this at home stop yes just i can't get through to you um well that brings us to the end of the episode ember thank you so much for being our guest. Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for having me. You guys are the best and everyone knows it. So honored to be here. Oh, thank you. Yeah. We'll take it.

Um, uh, and you don't, you don't have anything to plug or do people find you online somewhere? Nothing to plug currently. Um, you know, I used to have a weekly improv show with little mountain improv.

You can find little Improv on Instagram. We are not active during COVID. But maybe one day again. You can find me. My Twitter is Emberlina. It's private because as aforementioned, students. But as long as you're not a student or a parent,

yeah. If you're not a student or a parent, I will approve you and then disappoint you with my tweets um i can't wait yeah uh and of course we want to plug um uh social studies it's it's like history and politics and geography and also a shout out to chemistry not as hard as you think yeah but a down vote to physics because uh yeah stinkaroo sinkaroo i say and biology you do get to cut up a cow eye oh yeah that's true and a frog and you get to take those guts and put them in a girl's desk um i would also like to plug something if i may do i have the floor yes uh one of the shows i'm uh producing at my other work

is a uh a show called the plop that has just come out it's a yeah kids uh well it's a a sketch comedy show for kids uh and it features a bunch of past guests uh of our show cam mcleod's on it and i believe our our very own graham clark is on it that's correct i am on the plop he's written and performed a couple of sketches uh becky johnson a bunch of a bunch of uh very funny people and it's uh it's it's for kids uh i would guess like i would say like 8 to 12 year olds so if you are a parent and over the christmas break you uh are thinking hey how do i get my kid off of a screen yeah well maybe we go drive around and listen to a podcast uh it's called the plop check it out yeah it's a lot of fun

if you haven't heard it do check it out even if you're just young at heart you don't need to be a youngin right you can enjoy it

oh it's hosted by past guest Peter Aldring as well that's right he's so funny well that brings us to the end of the episode thank you everybody

out there for listening to the show please do stay safe take care of one another and come on back next week for another episode of everybody out there for listening to the show. Please do stay safe, take care of one another and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself. Maximum fun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.