Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 671 - DeAnne Smith

Episode Date: January 26, 2021

Comedian DeAnne Smith returns to talk Subway, gun holsters, free stuff.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka, and he's Graham Clark, and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 671 of Stodd Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who has good internet as far as I know, Mr. Dave Shumka. No, very bad. It's been very bad this whole time. According to my internet bill every month, it's very good. I'm paying for very good internet, but every week when we do this, it's very bad. Our guest this week, very funny comedian, all over the place.

They are on television. They're on radio. They're on the stage. They're on Telegram They're on the stage. They're on Telegram. All the things. It's Deanne Smith, everybody. Hello. What are we counting as a stage is my question.

Oh, any overturned pallet or, you know, in front of the shower curtain. These are the stages I've been using. Yeah, I've been my stages that I go through are puberty, male menopause. Okay. Then I'm hitting a few stages. I'm hitting a few stages. I love that you said I'm all over the place because I'm currently in this basement in Vancouver and I do need to talk to you about it. Okay.

Well, let's get to know us. Get to know us you about it. Okay. Well, let's get to know us. Get to know us. The end. Tell me about this crazy situation you find yourself in. Yeah, you're not a Vancouverite that I know of. Well, I've been here for six weeks of pure rain, and I consider myself now one of you. Yeah. Yeah. But but no but you're right so i had uh in in january 2020 i moved from canada to la um despite misgivings listen i didn't

know a pandemic was coming but i was like yeah i don't know if now's the time um and then so in october or in november i was like i gotta get to get out of here and drove up to Vancouver, the nearest Canadian safe haven. You drove up here. I drove up because my car had a lot. You know, I had a dog. I had a partner. I had some things. So we all piled in the car and drove up to Vancouver.

Was that fun or was that really testing the limits of everybody's patience? That's a really good question. It was mostly fun, but it was also they were like a fresh batch of wildfires. I mean, there's so much going on in California that, you know, just against the political backdrop, the election was in just a few days with the pinkish wildfire skies. It was less romantic and a little more apocalyptic than one might hope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was interesting. I mean, you know, we stopped in Portland.

We saw some friends at a distance. We saw my partner, Nicole's mom's friend, Peggy, on a houseboat in Seattle. That was cool. Oh, cool. So we had some fun on the way up. Tell me everything about Peggy. I want to learn about Peggy. a houseboat in Seattle. That was cool. Tell me everything about Peggy. I want to learn about Peggy. Oh man, I can. If I had, I mean, can you guys

chat amongst yourselves for 20 seconds? I'll be right back. Yeah, absolutely. Graham, do you have any houseboat in Seattle thoughts? Well, I believe in the movie Sleepless in Seattle. He's Tom Hanks yeah he lives on a boat i've been on a houseboat but only in the okanagan and i think maybe in nine and a half weeks uh

mickey rourke i was gonna say mickey rooney but oh mickey rooney would be perfect on a houseboat yeah i don't mind that that visual okay so you listen i thought i thought it was good to know me but we could literally get to know peggy because just last week let's get to know in the in the mail we got this it's peggy's self-published autobiography what and i haven't read it yet but if you it is it is page numbered so if you give me any number from i guess one to 168 we could get to know a little bit about peggy i want to go to page oh you go graham no i like i want after you know like close to the climax so i'm thinking 140 140 no i was thinking earlier when she's like mad at everyone at school i mean i see no reason why we don't read a sentence from each of those pages yeah just do a pick a sentence from every page um all right i'm just going to page 26 our two-week

vacation turned into five weeks yes we were irresponsible and yes the peace corps notified our families that we were officially missing in a foreign country we would do it again oh wow coming out swinging my goodness piggy okay go into 140 140 um i'm jumping down to the last paragraph on this page. Time stood still for me, but not for anyone else. Oh gosh. Wow. Okay. I don't know where this is going, but I just, okay.

Time stood still for me, but not for anyone else. The attention kept coming as I tried to pull the skirt down. I couldn't get the jacket off. The zipper was stuck. Finally, I managed to pull the skirt down and proceeded to walk, holding it down until I made it to the bridge. People kept honking and hollering, probably since the word was out about some nutcase on the sidewalk wow okay okay so just some fun with her skirt on the sidewalk i got nervous for a second there but

i think it's gonna be okay this spaggy uh this is self-published or do you have the only copy that she's ever made um written and self-published in september 2019 that's awesome oh so there's nothing in there from the last couple years that's a shame uh what so so you met how long did you spend with peggy i mean really just a few moments less than an hour um because we were on our road trip but now that we have this book in our hands i I feel confident to say a lifetime. Who is she to you? She's my partner's mom's best friend. I like that. That's who I always make sure to visit.

Several removed people whenever I travel. I try as many hyphens as possible. Yeah. My best friend's cousin cousin exactly yeah so thanks for asking more about peggy because i could actually answer it we we do need to dig into this book because i think we will be quizzed later on well next time you're at a houseboat for sure um did you get to stay on the houseboat for a night or was that just a visiting time oh no i mean maybe if it wasn't covid times but we we just went up to the deck and and did a very responsible distanced visit we've been we've been

very careful in this time so we're not we're not taking chances whether or not you have a houseboat you know what i mean do you have to be an interesting person to live on a houseboat or do you become an interesting like like are you can you be an interesting can you be a boring person before you own a houseboat and then the moment you start living on a houseboat you're the most interesting person yeah you look down you're wearing a hawaiian shirt that you didn't own that's interesting yeah that is interesting i mean would a boring person get a houseboat and and live that life maybe maybe but i feel like everyone can you be if your your house is always moving just a little bit yeah make it easier to sleep yeah i think it

gives you a little bit of like yeah it shakes your brain a bit yeah oh so so it makes you it makes you interesting yeah you get a house but it'll do a lot of the work for you. And then you'll be interesting as a result. I think so. Also, what's the line of like boat boat to houseboat? Oh, boy. If you own a regular boat, thumbs down. Yeah.

You may be a redneck if. But what makes it a houseboat? A houseboat is, I think a houseboat has like. Plumbing? You don't leave it. Yeah. And there's the toilet in there, which is nice. Which regular boats don't have toilets, as far as I know. The ocean is your toilet. Yeah, I think you're right.

Yeah, Dave, have you ever been on a houseboat? I don't believe so, but I feel like I can smell it. What does it smell like to you, Burger King? I mean, I don't like boats to begin with, but that marina smell of, like, dead rotting fish and, like, gasoline. There's a marina smell. I think you've nailed it.

Yeah. But like now, did Peggy live in an area where there was a bunch of houseboats or was she the only houseboat on the block? So it definitely was a marina and there was a bunch of houseboats. Nicole recognized a houseboat that was like her neighbor that was on some show. The show was not just about houseboats, but it was about renovating your space or whatever.

So there was some like renovated houseboat that had been on one of these shows that was right there. But also there was like this giant Chinese restaurant at the marina. So it was almost like she lived in the backyard of a giant chinese restaurant the watery backyard of a giant chinese restaurant whoa like one side was restaurant the other side was other boats just a dream come true that is a dream because that's the best of all smells that you're getting marina and uh the back end of a restaurant if. If you get like a Subway around there, it would be even better. Nothing like a Subway on a hot day. Just getting that waft of whatever that is.

Bread, glue. I love it. Fresh bread. I am a big... People complain about the smell of a Subway, but I love it. I like it too. It's the same as the smelling of McDonald's. It just brings me back to a simpler time.

Wait, does somebody bring me back to a simpler time? I guess, uh, I guess maybe it did. I don't know, man. What time might that be?

Uh, I think I must've been in junior high cause they didn't have any of them in Calgary. I was a Mr. Submarine was everybody's go-to, and because of that I thought submarine sandwiches sucked. And then Subway really lit the path for me.

Wow, how bad was Mr. Submarine? Like, you know how Subway, occasionally your sandwich will be kind of wet because they put too much salad dressing stuff on it or whatever? That was every sub for mr submarine was just like wet wet sitting in paper um but yeah then subway came along uh dianne i'm curious what what was your first subway experience do you remember i don't i can only remember a first recent subway experience because i am gluten free and a few years ago on a road trip um i discovered that they occasionally you have to ask it's every

subway is different sometimes they have a gluten-free option which is just a dream when you're on the road looking for fast food um so a few years ago i kind of rediscovered subway and before that i don't know if i ever ever went to one yeah like what was your first experience with it oh i'll absolutely tell you mine i was in hawaii i was nine years old hawaii you ordered a poi sandwich we didn't have subway in vancouver as far as i knew back then uh and in hawaii they had um it was like i mean it was just a regular subway but the idea of a meatball sub oh it blew my mind yeah like just because until then you had only known meatballs with spaghetti yeah i guess so yeah okay yeah because like i was the same when it when i first went and I saw a meatball sub on the thing.

I was like, this is secretly a hamburger. That's what this is. This is just a rearranged hamburger. And I've had good meatball subs, I'm sure. Maybe I've had... Like, they can't all be bad, right? Like, Subway had to have gotten the idea from somewhere good. Maybe, or it was just a mad scientist kind of situation where because i've never seen a meatball sub at any other place

uh i think an italian italian uh sandwich shop will have them okay well next time i'm in hawaii i'll go to an italian sandwich yeah i guess that's i'm wondering if part of the problem with mr submarine is the formal name because we just keep saying sub we say meatball sub we don't say meatball submarine sandwich it is mr sub isn't it it was it's mr sub now but it used to be mr submarine oh really yeah see they caught on they caught on they're like we're not your dad's mr submarine wemarine. We're Mr. Sub. We're Mr. Sub. Yeah, because like they haven't been called a submarine sandwich for quite some time.

And I don't even know why they were called that in the first place. I mean, the shape. Sure. It evokes the shape of a submarine. Especially if you put a toothpick in to be like the periscope. Yeah. Especially if you put a toothpick in to be like the periscope. Yeah.

They should have more submarine themed sandwiches. Like, you know, a Hunt for Red October. Yes, yes. For long. You know, whatever the K-19, the Widowmaker. Dossboot Beemel sandwich. Mm-hmm. The walls of Subway, I don't know if that's universal across the country but the walls used to have pictures and maps of new york as if to say subway was the

the new york treat but do you think they actually have i didn't know this yeah they like they used to have the walls were like wallpapered in old maps of New York and old pictures of New Yorkers not eating subs, just standing around. Yeah, it was like, were they sepia-toned old-timey pictures, like the opening credits of Cheers?

Yes, yeah. Except everybody was holding a sub. Cheersing with subs. And nobody knew your name. Yeah. No matter how many times you went there they would not learn your name yeah they do not you cannot go to subway and ask for the usual they will stare at you blankly do you ever know like i remember i i only go to subway when i am out of options and i live like one minute from a subway and i never go but i i've been to subways with people who are like uh gourmets or like experts in subway and they're like okay here's how i want you to cut the bread and they like

they're like coaching the person through they know you to cut the bread and they like they're like coaching the person through they know the secret menu they know the old way of cutting it that everyone still is taught wow wow that's the like undercover boss kind of stuff um the subway experience that i've had more than anything is where you ask for a little bit of mayonnaise and then they they go ballistic like jackson pollock it's like they cannot give you a proper amount of mayonnaise no matter how hard they i once went to tim hortons and got a chicken salad sandwich and asked for a bit of mayonnaise and the person put on so much and i was i was shy i was very shy back then and i turned to my friend and i said is that too much i think that's

a lot do you agree that's a lot of mayonnaise and my friend was like yeah my friend had to like speak up on my behalf because i was too shy but uh i think he wants like a quarter of that amount of mayonnaise. That's a good friend. Deanne, do you have a problem sending food back? Oh, I wouldn't dream of doing it. Maybe in that scenario, if I could see them and they had really misheard me or I absolutely wouldn't eat it, maybe. I would never send food back because who knows what they're going to do to it when it's out of your sight yeah that's true i think that's uh but like yeah sending food back i've seen people do it and they have the self-confidence of like a million generals

they they're so confident in sending back the food no but your worry is that someone will do something to it well yes i guess it just seems like i would only send something back if i literally couldn't eat it like maybe i ordered something you know without gluten and it came with gluten and i'm like i'm not gonna eat it or it's like heaped in dairy and i'm not gonna eat dairy um but only if i know for sure and i wouldn't even just rely on myself i would need a witness to tell me that i ordered it the way i wanted and it somehow came a different way um but i can't imagine the audacity i honestly can't even imagine having the palate to know if something is like cooked incorrectly or like just you know bad somehow i wouldn't maybe i'm not frequent frequenting

these establishments um but i i can't imagine a scenario in which i would send something back no me neither it's like and i'll i'll sit there and eat the thing no matter how gross it is and i'll hide it under a napkin just like i would do when i was a kid so the waiter doesn't make you finish it that's right i get a lecture from the waiter well you're not getting dessert i can tell you that yeah they're you know there are children starving in africa yeah eat your gross sandwich if i found myself at a place where the food was so bad that i felt the need to send it back. I would just consider that lesson learned for me and just don't go back there maybe.

I don't know why I would think that it would become better. I would also not learn my lesson. That is the other, that's the other end of the tale is I wouldn't learn my lesson. I was like this, I'm familiar with this food, even though it's bad, I'm just going to go back and keep eating at this place. Like Subway.

Subway is that the abusive relationship for me that i keep uh taking it back because you guys don't know subway the way i know subway yeah you are how many times a week are you a subway eater oh not like per week it's more like per month i think i go once a month 30 times a month and they did away with the with the stamps that was like that was a big change for me it was the the little card that you got they don't do that anymore do they no did you get like a free sub every 10 subs yeah yeah yeah i think it was 12 or every every yeah every 60 inches? Oh, no. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah, a subway is really easy to measure how much you've just put in your body. Deanne, you're in Vancouver. Yes, you were telling us about coming north and we made it as far as a houseboat and we started talking about subway for some time uh so i could talk more about subway but we'll save it yeah yeah just having the very interesting experience of living in uh a basement suite in van in Vancouver it was what was available to me um the place where we were going to live in Victoria and our place kind of fell through 10

days before we were leaving LA so we were like we gotta find something so through friends of friends we found this other place um and what is truly fascinating about living here is that it is completely furnished I mean furnished down to the tea towels which is lovely for someone on the run as i felt that i was at that time on the run on the run that's how it felt the fugitive the uh anyway this woman that owns the place that i hope will never find this podcast uh but who knows maybe she's an avid listener um she she said the place don't worry i'm gonna move all the furniture out of there that you see now i'm gonna redecorate it in shades of red and brown and i thought she's not serious about red and brown

she how is that a color scheme she loves those red velvet cakes yeah red velvet cake that would pretty much be it it feels like a um i don't know just basically i'm living in this woman's fever dream of it feels like um again i'm mentioning a chinese restaurant like it like a chinese restaurant lobby from like the 90s like it yes picture this kind of like oriental vibe kind of some browns some golds definitely reds yeah a bit ornate it's all happening um and this isn't just for you guys i guess not the not the listeners but take a look at what's on the wall over here i got a giant playing card this is complete with wall art it's um distressed distressed for some reason as well yeah note the wood um so we got this there's an ace over there um so it's it's interesting to be living in

a new city like you know visited a bunch but i've never actually lived here to be living in a new city um at a time that it has felt kind of difficult to dig into the city and like get to know it in any normal way um and then to be surrounded by um you know there's just a lot going on there's a whole plaque i'm looking at over there that is like it's not a live laugh love but it's one of these say something silly laugh, laugh till it hurts, take a risk, tell a secret. I could go on. Sing out loud. Sounds like Judy's autobiography.

What was her name? Pam? Peggy. You're close. Judy, Peggy, Pam. It's all the same. It sounds like it's just as hard to decorate the walls of a furnished suite as it is to decorate the walls of a subway

yeah exactly you're not wrong now back to subway um more questions um so what have you done in vancouver like what have you been able to go see and and enjoy so far on your yes well i feel like i am digging in in the way that I take a lot of walks. So I am getting to know the neighborhood. And there is a lot to know over here in what I believe is called Kensington. Yeah. Yeah.

East Vancouver. You know, I'm walking around a lot. I've discovered Commercial Drive not too far from here. So that's fun to stroll up and down on a nice day that's not raining yeah that's a nice walk yeah it's lovely and i haven't seen too much nature yet um i've just gone to stanley park a few times and then i went to lynn valley lynn yeah lynn provincial

park i don't know i did a nice hike around there called the lynn loop um and as the days become less rainy which is an absolute joy to me um i'll be i'll be getting out there more what do you guys recommend in terms of walks around um i mean i do a kind of a subway crawl go every i like go from subway to subway you every friday night try to get another stamp on your card. I don't know if Graham and I are the people to ask about hiking trails. Yeah. That's, you know, if you get a chance to check out Kingsgate Mall, it's pretty special. It's not too far from where you are. Are you with a dog?

I have my little tiny dog, Rudy, with me. So, I mean, she's kind of a dog. She's not exactly the exploring. She doesn't necessarily want to get out there and go for walks. She's been pretty reluctant. Yeah, I would be too if I was an L.A. dog. An L.A. dog. Going from that climate to this?

Oh, yeah. I know. Getting your feet wet every time you go outside? Yeah, that's true. Instead of the basking sun. So how long were you in LA before you had to escape? Oh my gosh. The briefest of times.

So I moved there in January. January, February, I was on the road. March was the month where I was like, ah, let me just settle into LA. And then I really freaking settled into la so i was there um it really just feels like from march through october oh okay which was also like yeah the most sedentary i'd ever been in in 15 years of doing comedy i'd never not moved around that much so it was it was interesting there's a lot going on yeah i mean there's nothing going on

that felt like a lot yeah i mean yeah for sure there's nothing going on but uh yeah like if if something happened here that was really bad i don't know where it escaped to the north where would i go like uh due east i guess yeah i mean uh you you were able to cross a border i don't think america would let us in yeah that's true oh i think they'd let you in but they'd wonder you know why why are you going this way what was the word where the what was it like crossing the border oh my god it was there was quite an interrogation um so i was bringing my partner with me who's american so they had they had a lot of questions for for us um about the nature of our relationship and its legitimacy um our

had the two of you had those conversations yet about the nature of your relationship and its legitimacy we were discovering it in the moment with our border guard who is this was his last name on his patch which seems like a high school nickname or like a frat his last name was dug out oh wow like baseball yeah like d-u-g-o-u-t wow no wait dug out dig out with an i no the present tense dig out that was his name um two very different things the dugout and the digout yeah i think yeah i yeah when you said like the baseball thing i'm like that can't quite be right but it's close dig out was his name which doesn't it seems like a nickname it doesn't seem like a proper last name yeah i don't know um he was tall and intimidating so i guess he was doing his job but he kept us there for about 90 minutes before he finally let us through um and essentially i mean we'd been watching a lot

of dramas uh we've been watching a lot of tv in the pandemic like anybody and i had to give i i felt as at some point that i had to give an emotional speech because he just kept like, why, why, how long are you going to be there? What are you doing? And we,

I guess we didn't have great answers for how long, because we're like, I don't know. How long do you think this, like fascism is going to keep holding you? You know, we were like, for a while,

I guess, or maybe not too long if things don't feel too fascist. So we didn't have great answers in terms of like, how long we're staying in Canada. And then eventually, I just kind of remember being like, Sir, I have been a Canadian permanent resident for over 10 years. My residency is gold to me, I would never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with the Canadian government. I'm just on and on. And he was fine. Like, okay, get in here.

Come here. Give me a hug. God. Go on. Give me a dig out. Yeah, exactly. Dig out. I've had experiences at the border that are, I think all the intimidation is inside my head

I don't feel like the guards Maybe they are trying to be intimidating But I think because that's the mindset I'm going in with That I think they are I don't know I've had them going south to a country that I don't have a passport to They can be intimidating but coming back to canada they're all very just like they just want to know how much you're bringing back

yeah that's right yeah and did you explore yourself in the states yeah did you enjoy target that's been my experience until this one and this one you know they brought us in and people truckers were back and forth in and out um before we were so we were just sitting there watching other people like go and chat to somebody and then go you know get a little stamp and keep moving and we're like oh my god what's gonna happen you should have dressed like truckers that might have helped that might have helped although as queers we're almost always halfway dressed like truckers or something flannel or a hat those are the two main things beef jerky in the jacket pocket yeah yeah just as an accessory yeah a big like four liter milk

jug probably filled with pee stuff like that am i allowed to bring this across the border it's my it's still my pee but i peed it in america yeah i peed in america with american beer that i guess i have to put duty on oh no and let's not talk about the duty okay all right um so uh do you like do you have any idea how long you're gonna stay or is it just open-ended well um nicole has a visa until the end of june so that is a hard out if we don't get a new status for her right so at least at least through june but i'd like i'd like to stay longer and that is a funny thing about the moment there There isn't really a plan because, you know, as you know, our careers are completely up in the air.

There's nothing kind of stable that I'm holding onto there. Yeah. So we'll just see. Well, I myself has been declared an essential worker as a comedian. And so I was one of three. That's just you. That's amazing. Yeah.

It was myself and the unknown comic and Ellen DeGeneres. Those were the three. Oh, I was going to say Yakov Smirnoff for some reason. Oh, no, he's not allowed out of the house. Is Ellen still doing, like, I know every, like, the house is ellen still doing like i know every like the late night shows are still doing their uh shows just a host in a box but is uh are the daytime hosts doing it because that seems very like the the way that a daytime show works is it's uh you know you're getting like a chef to come on and cook something you're doing

yeah that's true like giveaways to your screaming audience like is Ellen dancing in her house is someone popping out of her ottoman to scare her just a jack in the box toy yeah

yeah I don't know because I don't watch if i watch tv during the day i feel very much like i should be doing something else you know like i feel very bad about myself watching tv in the day anybody else or am i the only one oh yeah me too me too at what what time do you allow yourself to start watching tv like five five or six okay yeah how about yourself well usually like eight but that's only because i'm an extremely late riser it's not because i'm super productive during the day it's because i probably haven't gotten started until like 11 or noon yeah yeah yeah although every once in a while, every Tuesday, because it comes out on Monday nights, we do watch The Bachelor first thing. It comes out on Monday nights and we catch it streaming the next day.

And let me tell you, it does wreck my Tuesday to start the day with an hour and a half of, you know, arguably crap reality television. Have you always been a Bachelor and Bachelorette fan? No, I have to be initiated and brought into it as though it's sports like it's the same way that i just don't watch sports on my own but if i'm watching with somebody that's really into it i can get into it so this is your first first season or i i started watching with a roommate a few years ago um and then nicole is like super into it so um i'm i'm i'm maybe even more into it than she is at this point which is embarrassing how long do you guys watch no i i have watched i know the i know the score i know

that it's a bunch of uh horny americans america's horniest people and they're all gathered into a mansion what was the one they're all no there was a netflix show that was like literally got the horn horniest too hot too hot to handle yeah yeah they weren't allowed to fuck that was a wonderful show i enjoyed every minute of it um yeah but it's like get canadians in there i need you to know on the bachelor um yeah but they're horny for Yeah. But they're horny for marriage, Graham. They're horny for lifelong commitment. And more often than not, Jesus, quite frankly. They try to keep that part down low. But on this season, it's very apparent that they're, you know, many of them are all about the Lord.

How deep are we into this season? How many subs deep are we? I think we're 18 inches in in three subs i think it's i think there's been three episodes yeah it's i get like i get why it's because anytime i watch one of those reality shows i have to watch it to the end uh it's not something i could just watch an episode of because you don't know what the hell's going on and three episodes and who are who's your favorite or who are your favorites that's a good three episodes and who are who's your favorite or who are your favorites that's a good question let me think about who's on i mean to be honest this is

not turning out to be um a great season they're really cranking up the drama between the women so it's a bunch of women competing for the heart of matt james our bachelor who could be my favorite but he just seems kind of boring to be honest honest, and too nervous, which coming from me. I mean, man, how nervous must this guy be now that I'm thinking about it? What a criticism for me to give somebody else too nervous. Rude. But yeah, they're really cranking up the drama between the women. So I'd say on the last show, Katie went out of her way to be kind to one of the girls that

everybody else was being really really mean to so maybe at the moment katie would be my favorite um katie also showed up with a vibrator on day one to be like hey this has really gotten me through the pandemic i don't really know what she was just trying to stand out and she did so maybe Katie's my favorite so far yeah wow that is it's coming in hot if you come on first thing you say is

hey check this out everybody yeah yeah and yet when I show up places with a fleshlight people are not

I don't stand out in a good way and that's a double standard that's a I know probably sexist unreasonable double standard yeah yeah it's my turn time's up the flashlight doesn't actually also provide light does it

because it would be cooler if it did i mean the light of god's love i love the idea of a flashlight that also doubles as a flashlight. I think that's hilarious. I mean, how amazing would that be? Yes. But it's like heat activated. Yes. And like built-in shadow puppet, right? It's going to, the lights. So it only, yeah, it only works while you use it.

Like, so it's like, oh, oh no, the storm blew out the fuse box. Well, we got to. Can we get this thing crank gotta... Give me a minute. Oh man. Yeah, I guess that's the best that they've come up with for men is that disgusting apparatus. Yeah, I guess.

I mean, I don't know if it's a disgusting apparatus. I've never been around one. They, one year... I wanted to ask that question. I don't think I've seen one in the flesh. know if it's a disgusting apparatus i've never been around one they one year okay because that was i wanted to ask that question i don't think i've seen one in in the flesh uh i got one from just for laughs in the swag bag so i got a good long look at it and it's something else man did you bring it home or did you leave it in the hotel room oh no of course i brought it home but it's never been used because

it freaks me out man it's like uh i don't understand how a guy would be able to to do it like it's i mean it would have to be do you have to like fill it with lube yeah i came with lube but uh you know i am shocked and this is nothing about what i know about you personally graham because i don't know you this way but i am shocked that you wouldn't just try it out that anybody wouldn't just try it out yeah I don't know I think it's there I feel like the chamber maids at that hotel

probably had to throw away 50 from like comedians who tried it once really? but then if you figured out if you got a manifest of every who is in what room you could start up a little museum this was the one oh yeah you could actually make it kind of no you could have a little kind of uh comedian sperm bank

i'm gonna have sin bads baby yes because comedians are known as the most desirable well genetic material someone out there somebody up there likes us uh uh uh dave what's going on with you oh not too much really not too much um i did it's um inauguration day in america did you guys watch that today i slept through it i watched enough of it to see garth brooks i was on the internet all day it seemed like everyone watched it like i don't know i i think i watched obama's uh but i haven't watched any other one because it's i i was unemployed during ob Obama and I had other things to do. Like they're on a Wednesday morning.

Like, yeah, I'm busy. It was funny. It was the big, like laugh that I got of it was they're doing all the oath stuff. It's all very somber. And then there's like announcer comes on the loudspeaker and says,

ladies and gentlemen garth brooks garth brooks walks out and he sings amazing grace and then afterwards he's not wearing a mask he shakes everybody's hands on his way out he's hugging people and uh everybody in the crowd is laughing they're laughing at how silly he's being he's such a silly guy and uh it was very endearing but then that's when it was it was he like hmm i know i'm supposed to do amazing grace but these people want to hear i got friends in little places i know it i'm gonna start with amazing grace, then do that song, finish with The Thunder Rolls, and away we go.

Yeah. Those are the two Garth Brooks songs I know. Yeah. I don't think, I know, I remember seeing ads for him coming to, like, when he was on tour in the 90s and they would just be, like, he would be on wire, like, they had all these clips

from his live show yeah he would have an acoustic guitar and someone else would have an acoustic guitar and they would just smash them together it looked like a lot of fun but i don't know any of the music the the uh in edmonton he was supposed to play one night in edmonton and they sold out so fast that they added another show and that sold out so fast and he ended up booking seven shows in edmonton and they sold out so fast that they added another show and that sold out so fast and he ended up booking seven shows in edmonton he was there for a whole week wow yeah pretty good um he's like yeah he's he's the best i know nothing about him you i'm sitting here thinking you guys know a lot i'm trying to come up with any garth brooks fact i could chime into the conversation is he he married to Trisha Yearwood?

Is this a thing? Yeah, that rings a bell. They met on The Bachelor. She won his heart. He hosted SNL once and he was excellent. That's all I remember. Yeah. He had that sketch where he was trying to write a song

and Will Ferrell was the devil. And he was like trying to sell his soul to write a song and Will Ferrell was the devil. And he was like trying to sell his soul to write a song. And Will Ferrell was just terrible at writing. So it was great. And do you remember what, what the thing was with that episode? The like special twist. Oh,

that Chris Gaines was the musical guy. Yes. Was it? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What type of music does Chris Gaines do? That's his alter ego.

Does he do like a grungy stuff? No, he was like, uh, it's kind of pop. Uh, he was like, uh,

it was like pop ballads, wasn't it? Hmm. But it was the greatest thing that never worked. Like it's, he unveiled this persona and everybody was like, ha-ha, this sucks. And everybody had already put it on.

It's too late to go back on it, you know? Yeah. It's like if you go to bring in a picture of, like, Robert Smith to your barber like okay we can cut your hair like that but you're not gonna be cool uh but yeah so that's all i saw of inauguration yeah um well last night we were talking abby and i were talking about uh well because there were you know there was a there were threats of violence yeah we were like oh i wonder what's gonna happen like uh and i said oh he'll probably be wearing a bulletproof vest and you know he'll be strapped is what was how how i phrased it and abby was like oh yeah

he'll probably have like a a gun in a thigh holster and that the idea of having a gun under your pants in a thigh holster was so funny to me because like if you're wearing a dress and you have a gun on a thigh holster it's kind of sexy because you like pull up your dress and take out your gun and shoot someone in the face but the idea of a man having to like Joe Biden, having to undo his belt, like unbutton his pants, unzip, pull them down to like his lower thighs, get out a gun and like waddle around with it. Like he can't walk very well with his pants down.

It was making me laugh so much last night. He reaches down there. He's like, Oh no, that's my flashlight. Wrong. Strap the wrong thing. I should have made up a diagram of what I strapped where.

But like, for men, it's an ankle gun. Is it an ankle gun? I think it's an ankle gun. Yeah. I mean, you could put it outside your pants. Thigh. Yeah, that's true. Thigh, yeah. Or just on a belt or on uh you know

on the strapped on your back these are all gun options but like how uh how they do like a million things to make sure he's safe right but he's still outside and like behind i guess bulletproof glass i mean i guess so but like you know weeks ago, people were storming the Capitol. So yeah, that's true. I don't think the bulletproof glass would stop them. Yeah. It does start to feel like anything is possible here. Yeah.

But not in a good way where you're like, man, if you would do the work, anything's possible. Yeah. Yeah. Not in a good way. It's also like it only takes one person to change everything and you're like yeah you're right but usually for the bad yeah like uh i mean i certainly hope there's no violence but the idea of like uh an assassin and then you go back to his his uh apartment and it's just filled with like motivational posters that are

like perseverance be the change you want to see in the world yeah yeah yeah oh man uh oh that's that's some good content right there yeah the other thing uh that's going on is a couple weeks ago i saw this uh story on the news about it was like an uplifting story about this uh hot dog vendor who gave his kidney uh to one of his customers holy shit and it was like um i guess the customer needed a new kidney and he the the hot dog vendor like like was one of his it was one of his regular customers and it was like yeah sure you can have one of mine and on the news story they had oh these hot dogs looked so good they were like foot long on like a pretzel bun i was so i was like where do

i get these hot dogs uh but like they had the guy out in the parking lot uh you know making hot dogs and people buying them and then the guy who needed the kidney was there too and as part of this like party they were having i guess i i don't really know what the event was it was a sausage party i suppose it was but the guy was gonna get a kidney from his hot dog vendor. And they brought out after they had hot dogs, they brought out a big, like pretty, you know, uh, enough to feed 50 people, uh, kidney shaped cake. And it was not just shaped like a kidney. It was colored like a kidney. It was like, like kind of a pinky pinky red and it was very it was just the weirdest cake uh yeah also can you imagine going into the

you know in the operating room and they're like okay uh how do you guys know each other oh he's a hot dog vendor that I sometimes go to his cart. How do you guys know each other? Do you think they do that when they do donors? Do they get them side by side? They need to assess the authenticity of the relationship. That's right. You go into a building with someone else to do something official.

They're the border guards of health. Yes, I'll be your surgeon dr digout but i just i love everything about that that because like how regular was this guy like is he like well i'm probably gonna have to donate half of my stomach to this guy too or some of my intestine because he comes here like three times a day every day i don't know it was it was out in abbotsford the which is the only reason i'm not going to get one of those hot dogs because they looked so good i'm not driving an hour for a hot dog no but he obviously just lived around the corner from they must have had some great talks or something or maybe he worked nearby i don't know because you don't i i think an hour isn't too far to go for a hot dog like that on a pretzel bun i know it's you're right but i don't know i'm sure the day i go the guy's gonna be in donated kidney like

they didn't say we will be closed for kidneys on this day also can you imagine telling a hot dog vendor vendor that you are having like you need a kidney that seems like a next step in a conversation like you know if he said are you considering getting like new onions for the hot dog that seems the level of right are you considering getting new onions why what's wrong with these onions what are you saying about my current onion oh man um have diana have you ever been a regular somewhere where the the staff knows you oh that's a really good question um the only thing that comes to mind is like places that i perform so like in in montreal there was a bar called Grumpy's that I'd go to like every Tuesday to do the open mic. But I think that's as close to a regular as I've gotten anywhere.

No, that's not true. There's a vegetarian restaurant in Toronto called Fresh and the owner kind of knows me. So I get to go in there and every once in a while get a little something comped and feel special because i go there that's fun do you think that that guy would give you a kidney oh that's a really good question um maybe but only because we're both queer so we share that little like hey what's up sort of vibe it might be like let's keep this in the family i get a lot i get comped a lot of stuff from other straight people. Dave, are you regular anywhere? No.

Sometimes there's definitely restaurants where I feel like they recognize me. There's a Vietnamese place up the street that I go to a couple times a month. There's a Vietnamese place up the street that I go to, you know, a couple of times a month. And when I order something, they're like, or like when we, before the COVID, we used to come with the kids and I would like, you know, ask for extra spoons or, or bowls or things for the kids. And they kind of would just like brush me off in a way that was like, yeah, I know, but not in a way that was like, I know you're my friend. Of course. Yeah. You always get this. This was more like, I'm annoyed with you.

You're not a regular that I like. You're a regular who gets under my skin. Yeah. But you're still a regular. That's what counts. The, uh, there's, oh, I went into a coffee shop that I've been into like a handful of times and I just happened to get the same barista and the barista apologized that they didn't know what I drank and I was like, this is under no circumstances should you know what order

I'm going to give. We've only crossed paths like four or five times. But you know what? That guy, he gave me one of his eyes. What? Instead of a kid as an organ okay okay okay took me half a second too yeah yeah what does that mean in barista world um oh boy that was tough yeah sorry about that guys, eyes, they're the window to the soul, but are they? Look, I'm not qualified to talk about this. You can donate them. Yeah. But generally after you die, I think.

But I don't hear about a lot of people getting eye trans, but I know Ferris Bueller was going to give his eyes to Stevie Wonder, but that never happened is that canon that's canon okay all right um you know what i like is uh have you ever seen videos of people who uh are colorblind and they get to try on or they try on glasses that make them see the whole spectrum for the first time and they start crying. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Whoa.

That's that's like a heartwarming kind of content that you can find on the Internet. Yeah. That a kid getting a. But how do you know what someone else is seeing? This is this is I've never understood. Like, how do you know that we're all seeing the same color red or the same color blue? We're not really, right?

I mean, I, are they tricking these people? I, I don't know if they're tricking. I think they can, like the doctor can like look inside your eye and, and know.

Right. But I mean, I'll be honest. I get, if there's a very dark navy and i can get it confused with black sometimes sure is that the same thing yeah that's exactly they put glasses on you that allow you to look at the spectrum of pants i've i've never had a girlfriend that didn't get slightly annoyed with me for how differently we see colors. Like, I'm always like, oh, the peach scarf. And they're like, peach scarf?

You mean orange? And I'm like, I don't know. Like, there's always some difference. A whole different fruit. In what I think is a color and what someone else thinks is a color. Yeah, but like enough people have agreed on what like a stop sign is right or have we true no yeah there it's absolutely there are like standardized colors there's like a photoshop number for them that's right um yeah i've also seen those videos where a kid gets a like um like a hearing aid for the first

time yeah you hear all sorts of things um that must be insane that must be insane to go from no sound whatsoever all of a sudden you can hear you can hear susan boyle you're allowed to listen to susan boyle whenever you want yeah you don't just have to look at pictures anymore the kids favorite book is hello magazine i also like yeah videos of someone getting their first fleshlight and they start crying but how do we know that they feel first fleshlight and they start crying. But how do we know that they feel the fleshlight the same way I feel the fleshlight? I don't know. I mean, doctors, I think doctors can go into their wiener nerves.

Kind of poke around down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. I think you're going to like this fleshlight, son. boy i think you're gonna like this flashlight son they've got like the local news crew is there to capture the moment my hot dog vendor is giving me his old flashlight it's full of hot dogs oh man what if he what if he never went back to that hot dog stand what if he never went back

he's just like i got the kidney i was like i'm out of here yeah this is a long con oh boy yeah what's going on with you graham um uh so one thing that's been happening is that they've been renovating the uh upstairs apartment from me and uh oh fun yeah and it started in december and so i was like january 1st here we go the people will be moving in and uh february 1st is when they're moving in so it's been every day for 20 days and uh oh no now i'm only catching it in audio I'm not seeing them but they don't seem good at what they do because I hear them dropping

things constantly like I'll hear a hammer going and then it'll stop going and then it'll hammering it'll go ka-chunk and then hammering will resume so I don't think they're good at what they do but like so then it went quiet

for a couple days and i was like they're done finally they're done and uh and or they're dead they both died in the apartment above me either way either way and uh then i could because there's no furniture or whatever to like absorb any sound. I could just hear their conversations that they're having. And nothing. They're just talking about what they're doing. I mean, that's all we're talking about, you snob. Are they talking specifically about what they're doing in the renovation?

Yes. Yeah. Back and forth about like, hey, I'm over'm over here i'm gonna do this window now and i'm gonna measure stuff and then cut and then measure again yeah measure cut measure measure twice go once i uh also uh sometimes what time of day are they starting eight o'clock. When do they punch out? 4 o'clock. 8 to 4. Just like the Dolly Parton song.

Stumble out of bed just a little earlier than everyone else. And then down the alley for me, a big thing in Vancouver. I don't know if it's as big a thing in la but people will put stuff outside their house and just write the word free on a piece of paper and then it's like no longer their responsibility they put it out into the universe uh i put it out during the two hours where it wasn't raining, so I did my best. That's right. And so this, I don't know if these people like left the property, but there's a garage with the garage door open and there's a bunch of stuff in the garage with a sign that says free.

And do you think that's somebody pranking the people that live there or is that legitimate? Oh, it's like pick me. Yeah, exactly. Well, what kind of stuff is left? Yeah. A car? There wasn't a car, but there was like some books and some shirts, and I think a Ninja Turtle costume and Hungry Hungry Hippos, which I haven't seen since I was a kid.

Do you guys have Hungry Hungry Hippos? No. Oh, yeah. I loved Hungry Hungry Hippos. All you got to do is whack that lever. That how you play yeah that's right yeah you need no skill whatsoever and it's loud yeah i mean we we play a lot of board games and the best ones are the ones that require no skill yeah like what is the ladders it's just luck yeah and snakes and ladders and then isn't like life or sorry are those games self-playing yeah they're self-playing games oh i play them against the player piano

um yeah so uh anyways the stuff hasn't moved like they put it out now two weeks ago it still hasn't moved the garage door is still opening or open where all this stuff is sitting inside i can't make heads or tails out of this this is a mystery to me that i want to figure out but it's most a mostly empty garage then i guess or is there like stuff in there that's not for for free no there's nothing in it except the free stuff but like the garage has been open for two weeks and that seems odd if somebody didn't take it the same day then you just kind of go like okay well nobody wants this sun bleached hungry hungry hippo game yeah we do we use the uh facebook free

marketplace or whatever oh yeah just gives the gifts and just like you have to just basically set up a time for someone to come by and take it right but you don't have to meet them you can leave it outside i'm surprised no one wants that ninja turtle costume yeah i mean now it's wet and it's been wet for uh probably a week and a half so i don't know how so how is how is stuff getting wet in it's it's not inside the garage? It is inside the garage, but you know, sometimes a car will drive by and splish splash all over the place. Oh, no.

And it is weird because the Hungry Hungry Hippos game is sun bleached. So it seems like it may have been in their yard for a long time. Or in a window. It's true. I have in my window, I have Tibetan prayer flags and hungry, hungry hippos. Also, I have a flag of Jim Morrison on my other window, and that rounds out my windows. What's your window situation in your current place, Deanne? Windows?

There's one wall with a giant, like a door, giant window thing to the patio. That is the saving grace of this basement. And then otherwise, you know, you're looking at basement-sized windows on the other three walls. Seeing people's feet walking by. You're seeing people from the knee down. Yeah. Yeah. And like, is it just standard blinds or what do you got there?

You got a curtain? That's a good question. What are the ones that vertical? You got some vertical slats. Slats. Oh, boy. Up the big window. Yeah.

Nice. Nice. Or they got little like little chains holding them together. Is that how that works? Probably. If I got up under there, I could maybe see a little chain holding it together. Yeah, well, don't put yourself out there. But as long as we're getting into the details,

let me just share with you this. There's also, not five feet from where I'm sitting, a gas fireplace. Gorgeous. Nice. Turns on with a flick of a switch, like a light switch. Bam, fireplace.

Beautiful. Wow. That's a big selling feature furnished and fireplace you have a big bearskin rub rug in front of there not yet um i do have my dog if anything should happen to her maybe a tiny chihuahua rug we could have for the fireplace what does she think of the fireplace is she she loves it that's where she spends all her time that's where she hangs out all day every day nice i would too is the fire on all day every day pretty much uh we turn it off when it gets too hot but it is the main heating device of this of this uh homestead wow i love it i love it yeah very rust Very rustic. Rustic Vancouver. It's as rustic as this garage I keep passing.

Yeah. You got your rustic picture of a... Daniel Boone? Jack of spades or whatever. I got an ace of diamonds over there. So nothing in this garage interests you, Graham. You're not going to go back. I'm not going to lie that I'm interested in the Hungry Hungry Hippos game,

but it doesn't have any of the marbles, and I don't know what I would do with it upon bringingos game but it doesn't have any of the marbles and i don't know what i would do with it upon bringing it home it doesn't have any of the marbles no how do you know does the sign say free no marbles the saddest story in the world yeah but yeah you'd have to go get your own marbles and i feel like that's a that would be a really tricky thing to do because who's yeah who sells marbles especially that gauge that weight yeah those little like they were little white ones right they weren't like cat's eye fancy marble no no does anybody make those glass marbles no the old cat side the old yeah yeah yeah you can still find them at a dollar store maybe right in a plastic net yeah yeah yeah they come in a net huh maybe i'll pick up some marbles just to have around in case i find a game of

hunger hunger hippos you know i just bought a deck of cards the other day oh yeah what are you doing what's what aces high what are playing? I'm having them blown up to make wall art. No, I Good investment. I was going to teach Margo Crazy Eight, but I remembered, I don't know, I don't remember how to play.

Can you shuffle? I just very recently taught myself to shuffle. And I can almost do the little bridge thing. Oh, yeah. You got to do the bridge thing. Deanne, can you do it? I can do the bridge thing.

I come from a poker-playing family, so I learned that early on. Yeah. I feel like I like watching somebody do the flipping. The bridge thing's great, but tossing around the cards in your hand where you're kind of mixing them up that way if somebody's really good at that i find it very soothing yeah i bet i'm getting past it over here you uh oh there's a note can we can i i don't know how you know this my phone i just got given this note your air pod's about to die.

And it's true. They are. I heard the thing a while ago, but I was hoping we could make it. Well, on that note, let's move on to some overheards. Yeah. I'm going first. It's me, Jackie Kayshun. Man, she's always this bossy.

I'm Laurie Kilmartin. We're a bunch of stand-up comics, and we've been doing comedy like 60 years total, both of us, but we look amazing. We're working out. We drop every Monday on MaxFun, and it's called The Jackie and Lori Show, and you can listen to it and learn about comedy and learn about anger management and all the things.

And Jackie is married but childless, and I'm anger management and all the things. And Jackie is married but childless and I'm unmarried but childful. So together we make one complete woman. Is that just what's going to happen? Yeah. And we try to make Kyle laugh just

like that and say, oh my God, every episode. It's a good job. Jackie and Lori Show show mondays only on maximum fun overheard all right here we go overheard's a segment where if you hear it even on a delay uh you report it back to the podcast and we always like to start with the guest dianne do you have something funny you've overheard um i'm sure that i do um yet it will be it this is something i feel like we're gonna have to wait for we're gonna have to earn this one no it will just be it will just be something that my partner said because i'm we're not seeing anyone we're not going anywhere i'm not overhearing anything

exactly i'm overhearing the the delighted laughter of children as i walk by playgrounds but that's it so um i mean i do keep a list of funny things she says, and now I'm kind of, I should have looked before for what's appropriate and what's not appropriate. Well, we can come back. Dave can do one, I can do one, we can come back. Yeah, let's start with you guys. Okay. I would rather you just silently read the list and kind of chuckle to yourself as you go through it. Okay, here's a good one.

Here's a good one. Oh, here we go. And I'm not sure what prompted this i think it was on our road trip we saw a bunch of motorcycles and okay and i don't know if this is funny or if this is just correct she goes it would be cool to be in a motorcycle gang you have your group of friends and they'd literally kill for you yes and i mean that's true that's true that's all i ever wanted yeah and like uh i feel like you have common interests with people you know the the not just the motorcycles but the chain chain fights and

yeah you know what else wearing a vest with no clothes under it and the idea that if you can read this the bitch fell off you all have that as well but that's uh that's your uh slogan or your credo? Yeah. When they're wearing their vests, it usually says, you know, Hell's Angels. It doesn't say the funny... The vest goes over that shirt, I think. If you can read this, my vest fell off. I think I've talked about this or asked this question on the podcast before,

but when I was a kid, somebody told me that when you're a hell's angel, part of the hazing is that you have to wear your pants for like a month straight and they have to like pee in them. Like you have to wear jeans no matter what for a month straight. And you have to go to the bathroom. You can't use the toilet at all. Yeah. I don't know if that part of it if i just uh re you know what about poo what about poo but like before i join them i would

definitely like try to get myself constipated for a month before i join the hell's angels a joke's on you other hell's angels i'm not going to poo i'm doing no poo november uh dave do you have an overheard um guys i do this is an overseen this is from the cover of in touch magazine that i saw while i was at the checkout stand at my local grocery store yeah uh and it was the best and worst of 2020 and these are the three items they chose of celebrity news the three biggest things that happened in 2020 adele loses a hundred pounds harry leaves the royal family ellen exposed as mean i mean i'm struggling to find a bigger entertainment story but

yeah i mean she had two she's had two coming outs in her career the second one she came out as mean you can't think of a bigger entertainment story in 2020 uh uh dualipa it was the year of dualipa yeah um oh speaking of uh Dua Lipa exposed as talented. Oh, man. My overheard. You were about to say something. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, like, I don't listen to a ton of whatever's modern pop songs are,

but there was a song by, I can't remember her name, but it's called driver's license. And it came out at number one on the billboard charts. And it's been like huge on Tik TOK for a long time. And that song, Olivia, somebody. Yeah.

It is so good. That song is so good. And if you ever, when you were a teenager that you'd like drove past your crushes house, uh, that this is the song for you it brought me back instantly yeah yeah this is our generation's lord i mean what she's doing for driving past your crush's house what lord did for hanging out at your crush's tennis court. I'll always know the day, January 19th, 2021, that driver's license came out.

It was the same day my BC driver's license arrived in the mail. Whoa. Wow. I had to check it out. Yeah. It was meant to be. Yeah. Made me wish I had a Crush's house.

I could just drive by slowly with my new license. Yeah. In a romantic drizzle i i heard it for the first time yesterday as well and i agree it's so good it's so good and it's uh all the comments on it are like why do we keep coming back here four times a day and i was like yep this is a song you could listen to four times a day it rules and uh you know what else right driving by your crush's house rules so if you haven't done that in a while give it a spin you keep driving by your crush's uh open garage it has a bunch of free hungry hungry hippos in it sun bleached don't forget that detail detail um it's olivia uh olivia rodrigo rodrigo yeah and all of her other songs on spotify are

from the soundtrack of high school the high school musical the musical the series the soundtrack okay that all made sense to me so i'm i'm gonna check that out as well yeah yeah really get a whole catalog under your belt and you know what because uh you don't even have to drive by your crush's house just just drive by somebody you know that's got nice lights up that's that can get you the same feeling right somebody that you've never met but you're like these people know how to keep the cheer year round sure did you have an overheard yeah i do i have an overheard we got stuck on talking about driver's license which is uh hey i love it man um my overheard olivia rodrigo exposed as driving master crushes that um i was uh in my apartment and i could hear guys there's like kind of sheds underneath on the ground level that people can like keep you know lumber and

shit like that and like just like places that to put a bunch of garbage basically they're not for cars they're for garbage and there was outside your apartment yeah yeah on the on the ground floor and um i heard two guys talking outside my window and one of the guys said man that's a real beauty and then i eventually walked downstairs and went through the alley and i saw that they just had a bunch of extension cords. So they were talking about extension cords. Oh boy. That's a beauty. I mean,

there are, you know, they're not all created equal. No, that's true. There are. And especially if you like know how to wind them and have them like nice and compact,

that's a nice extension. Oh yeah. Coil them. Deanne, what do you look for in an extension cord? I was going to ask you the same thing. nice and compact. That's a nice extension. Oh yeah. Coil them. Um, Dan, what do you look for in an extension card? I was going to ask you the same thing. Um, so I'm thinking I want it to be indoor,

outdoor. Why not? Let it be at least dual purpose. I want it. Um, thick, thick feels safe. Yeah.

Um, and I want, I want it to be able to, um, plug in a computer, like a three prong at the end not your not your grandma's two prong yeah prongers i don't think though that you can even get a thick two pronger that's true i feel like the three prongers are all the thickers yeah um the two prongers are just for like you know christmas lights you know what and maybe if

it's a real beauty it's gonna have its own little switch on it oh you know, Christmas lights. You know what? And maybe if it's a real beauty, it's going to have its own little switch on it. Oh. You know how sometimes you can like. Yeah. Turn it on and off from itself. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like a power bar.

Power bar. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. I like an orange one. That's all I'll say about that. I like an orange. Oh, yeah.

Classic. Oh, is it smooth or is it they're like little ridges little ridges yeah little ridges yeah that can like kind of hurt your thumb a bit if you slide it through your fingers too fast yeah it's got little ruffles on it i love it i mean i do i feel like we i can really empathize with those guys who found the real beauty yeah now that i'm talking about it the fact they maybe just found their perfect, like exactly what they needed for the job, and it looks good.

I had one that used to light up when it was plugged in. Just like a little dim light inside of the tip of it. Huh. To let you know that the other end was plugged in. Well, that's... I don't know where that is. That's a fun addition. There's very little now that you can do to make it neat although if they have a christmas light one why don't they have a

candy cane pattern that goes down it well well like i like the um you know uh if i don't know if they do this in in extension cords but like in certain cables they're there's like a braided fabric on the outside oh yeah like guitar cables have that a lot uh so like if if we can i mean if we're blue skying it we can customize our our own extension yes yes absolutely i'd go some kind of braided cable braided cable yeah a three prong we all agree three prong is the way to go yeah three prongs okay all right uh now in addition to our overheards we have people who send in overheards from all over the world if you want to send one in to us you could send it to spy at maximum fun dot org and uh this first one is a couple sitting on a couch. This is from Brian in Montreal,

sitting on a couch, wife holding an eighth month old daughter. My wife was staring intently into my daughter's eyes. And after what felt like an eternity, she blurts out, when do you think babies can start eating pickles? Oh, that's a good question. I say, that is a really good question after a year or maybe nine months i think you want to get them yeah they'll need teeth they'll need teeth that's true yeah i can't gum it but i mean i guess i mean you can slice slice them up you can give you start them

with relish when they're six months old but also their baby hands would be very good at reaching in and getting that last pickle oh yeah that's true they are skilled at that you could put the pickle in one of those like mesh teething things so they could just kind of gnaw and it wouldn't they wouldn't choke on it yeah yeah these are all great ideas yeah um speaking of pickles i yesterday in a um uh i guess a a a wild flush of optimism i i maybe i just heard that driver's license song and i was filled with it was my spirits were buoyed and i uh i bought a cabbage and I'm making another round of sauerkraut. Nice. Yeah.

It's the winter treat that can't be beat. Yeah. Although I guess it's probably four weeks away from when it's ready to eat now. So hopefully that groundhog doesn't see its shadow or whatever. Do you do any of that stuff, Deanne? Do you do any like a stuff dianne do you do any like like uh a fruit or a vegetable no i can't say that i do and i'm impressed that you could do something i couldn't do something that i could have in four weeks i don't think i i have that kind of planning yeah ability yeah like

i can barely make dinner that that i need to eat in like an hour. You know? Yeah. I like instant. It needs to just, I need to open it and eat it. Yeah. I like eating over the sink. I mean, it was definitely a mistake. It was definitely a mistake for me to get into pickling because I have these jars now.

And I mean, it's just so much easier to buy the stuff, like to buy sauerkraut. I'm not saving any money. But it's getting you, it's a fun activity. I guess I could spice my own, like come up with different spice combinations I might enjoy. That's fun. That's fun. And these are memories. These are memories for your daughters.

Dad's pickling when Dad used to pickle. Yeah, Dad was always pickling something. Yeah, that's why he couldn't come to my play. That's why he couldn't come to my play. I missed most of their milestones while I was just watching the bubbles. Oh, it's turned to bubble. This next one comes from Ashley in Missouri. My three-year-old took his breakfast into the living room.

I suggested to him that he use the ottoman as his table a few minutes later as he knelt at the ottoman eating I heard him explain I need something to hold my butt which is yeah that's I mean that's that was the original line from Jurassic Park you're gonna need something to hold on to your butt that's pretty quick pretty quick um but you can share you could say a chair is something that holds your butt right yeah some form-fitting jeans yeah hell yeah nothing comes between me and my calvins that's right i forgot that How about those chairs that are shaped like the chairs that are shaped like giant hands? The hand chairs. Yeah.

Yeah. That's true. Yeah. They were really, they were a thing for a while there. I never got to sit in one myself, but, uh,

but if I have one regret in this life, um, uh, this last one comes from Dan in Fairham UK so this is I haven't overheard

in the form of a text message my mother-in-law received from the priest of our local Catholic church they're in the middle of a lockdown and the church is holding few fewer masses than they would at the church there's an elderly parish parishioner this is a whole this is painting a whole portrait who is a bit of a busy body who we call edith um not content with the

number of masses currently available she's starting to go other churches to attend their services other churches to attend their services reacting to this the priest uh said uh the thing about edith is she can't keep her legs together so i don't know if that's a britishism or if yeah if that priest has got the inside scoop but uh that's a that's a fairly uh it's a mean thing to say somebody i guess so yeah to if she's not being true to the church she pledged to her could he mean she can't sit still in which case your legs are together and merely the act of walking from church to church would indeed separate your legs this is very good yeah this is the most generous reading of that phrase i can imagine incredibly so i love it yeah is she going to like different religions she's being like you know what i'm gonna try islam yeah for the month because gonna see what this uh snake handler church is

all about they still have those snake handlers yeah oh yeah cool people are speaking in tugs handling snakes you know they're doing it right now that's true and those church they're probably they're probably going strong they're probably not limiting those types of churches i doubt would be limiting their um what are they called services you know they're maskless their snakes are running around in there yeah Yeah, their snakes are maskless. Snake venom is pretty much as good as a vaccine. Yeah, that's true. I've heard that. I mean, at that level of belief, yeah.

Either God's with you or he's not, right? It's his will. What if you found out the vaccine was only deliverable by snake? Like they screwed up something. I'd be okay with that. I think I would too, don't know i've never had that idea yeah i've not ever been bitten by a snake so i don't know what if it was only deliverable by sexy vampire oh i would like that even more i think yeah oh more than snake yeah more than i don't know uh both very cold

cold kisses it's still a standard injection it's just given to you by a sexy vampire yeah by Robert Pattinson in the Twilight movies doesn't he

he have sex so hard that he like breaks the bed like the wood shatters and stuff yeah what if you had to you had to get the vaccine

is let a vampire plow you until the bread breaks yeah that's why it's taking so long to roll out because he keeps thinking about baseball all right here's uh in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 like these people have... All right, enough of this.

Here we go. Hi, Graham and Dave and guest. This is Joe from Oregon with an overheard. My five-year-old daughter's in kindergarten, and they're doing it remotely because of the pandemic. And she has a little card that she has to scan on her computer to log in every day, and we lost it, or she lost it. We can't find it.

So we're tearing apart her room, and her mom says, hey, go downstairs and look and see if it's there. And my daughter says, me? But I gave up. Anyway, that's it. Off I go. Don't look at me, man. I was the responsible one i stopped caring

oh man good logic is tight i love it yeah i do like that i'm gonna use that my parents are overly concerned i'm just gonna play it cool and uh just think of a candy i guess yeah if they ask me to do any more i'll plead having given up adorable here's your next one hi dave graham and beautiful guest my name is sarah from calgary well it's not my name but i am from calgary uh calling it was an overheard so this was back when me and my co-workers were all sitting around eating lunch together, back when you were still allowed to be humans. And we were all talking, and one of my coworkers is an ex-cop. And he was talking about how whenever he gets pulled over for speeding,

he always gets off because they know he's a cop. And my female coworker looks over at us and very exasperatedly throws her hands in the air and goes, Ugh, I never get off. Okay, thank you, bye. I have a fleshlight they might be interested in. Yeah, yeah. Maybe she should stop thinking about baseball. All those tight trousers in baseball.

Oh, yeah, I guess it works. Either way, just anything about baseball. Alright. Alright, here we go. Final overheard. Hi, Dave. Hi, Graham, and potentially hi, awesome guest. I'm calling in with an overdue overheard from my

childhood that I remembered in the middle of the night last night, Manchurian candidate style. I grew up in Utah, and in Utah July 24th is a state holiday called Pioneer Day for the Mormons mostly, and it's playfully called Pie and Beer Day for the normals. The neighborhood that I grew up in had a lot of Mormons, so every year they'd do a big neighborhood parade with kids on bikes dressed up like pioneers, and then they'd host a big outdoor breakfast at the end. My sister and I were at that breakfast eating muffins with the rest of the neighborhood kids,

and one kid had the last cinnamon muffin on his plate. My sister leaned over and said, Hey, you gonna eat that cupcake? And his face got super red, and he looked back up at her and was like, Did you just call me cupcakes oh wow that's really surely you're a doctor don't call me surely yes or something like that oh man oh that's great yeah it's it you know what that that overheard had time to uh kind of like your uh your kimchi no you're not making kimchi what are you making sour sauerkraut had time to ferment exactly and delicious as a result yeah now dianne yes

yes cupcake yes yes you'll address me as Cupcake henceforth. Do you have any, I know that everybody's been locked down and whatnot. Is there anything coming up that you're doing online or anything like that that you care to share? Sure. like that that do you care to share sure so i i do monthly zoom shows monthly zoom comedy show by donation and then a proportion of what we earn we then donate again so we're we're doing good in the world trying to and feeding some comics the next one is january 29th um or if we've missed that one the next one's at the end of february show is called Deanne Smith and Acquaintances. We do that every month. Soon, I'll be starting

a weekly show in February. It's going to be five days a week, Monday to Friday. A different host every day of the week. I'm doing Mondays. That one is called Self-Care Comedy. I don't know where you're going to find it yet. Instagram or Zoom or somewhere. It's with Naked Comedy.

Do you have a central portal where people can go is it all on facebook or is it all or is it all separate places oh yeah just uh you know google dn smith you'll find me okay google link like it and you know what if if you can't find dn drive by her house and see if uh yeah yeah if she looks out the window drive by her house with your new driver's license she's. Drive by her house with your new driver's license. She's your crush. I'll show you my new driver's license if you come by. I wonder which of our guests the most people in the audience have a crush on.

I think Deanne's probably high up there. Yeah, I think Deanne's probably, yeah, right at the top of that there list. Oh my God, I'd love to think so. That time we had Fabio on. Fabio, yeah, Fabio. Was a real crush worthy. And of course, the'd love to think so. That time we had Fabio on. Fabio, yeah, Fabio. Was a real crush worthy. And of course, the girl from the record store. Yes, yes.

Well, that brings us to the end of the show. Thank you everybody out there for listening. Please take care of yourselves. Be safe out there and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Audience supported.