Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 674 - Mark DeBonis

Episode Date: February 16, 2021

Comedian Mark DeBonis joins us to talk casting the days of the week, Ellen, and insomnia.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 374 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who could not look comfier in his winter sweater, Mr. Dave Shumka. I am. I broke out the big cozy winter sweater because we have, I think, like they say we might break records in Vancouver. For coldness? For coldness. Ugh.

Minus two. Oh yeah. we might break records in vancouver for coldness for coldness oh uh minus two oh yeah i uh i'm joking it's it's like minus 12 or something let's say minus 12 the whole city will shut down or no like i think they said it could be with wind chill minus 25 what well that's not why i moved here that wasn't part of the deal but it'll be be, it won't, first of all, it won't happen. Our forecasters are wrong about snow every time. Oh, it just missed us. And the, yeah, if it's minus 45, it'll be like measured in some wind tunnel somewhere on the outskirts of town. Our guest today, a first time guest to the podcast he has an album out right now called minutiae it's marked a bonus how's it going yes this is uh my first time yeah thanks for uh

thank you for being on the podcast okay good you do need to legally let us know that it is your first time i don't i don't know how to casually get into this we're in we're already in good yeah it doesn't get more natural than talking to someone uh on a computer for thousands of people to listen to later yeah um should we get to know us please get to know us mark yeah you we were talking just before the podcast started you are you're hanging out at your folks place yeah in ontario toronto yeah ontario okay and you you're you said your dad fixes video like arcade machines and pinball machines and you have a bunch of them behind you you look like you're recording in the coolest place ever yeah and some like um neon uh signs as well yeah there's a lot of like bar uh stuff from when bars

shut down or whatever my dad just kind of grabs them and then we got some pinballs and yeah my whole life he's been doing um fixing arcade machines and putting them out there like coin op stuff and then you know in the recent years it's gone more digital obviously so there's a lot of like digital you know the wall jukeboxes you see in bars and the little ones and then yeah the pinballs and people you know there's too many free arcade bars out there now so it's not as crazy as it used to be but it's still what he does so it is cool to grow up and have jur Park in your garage for Christmas and play gun games. So is this his main thing?

Yeah, it's one. He's been doing it since before I was born. Wow. Is that how your parents met? Was over an arcade? Yeah. They were beating the high score frogger. And my mom was uh really raking

in the points and my dad was servicing the machine and they started talking no they uh it was probably through some friends of sorts i don't know but uh but yeah no it's been something that like you know he told me like before when you know like a street fighter in a pizza place would be doing insane like you know it's weird to think that before cell phones in all that stuff people were playing arcade machines pretty frequently and oh yeah that's uh you know did you used to go to an arcade when you're a kid because i i have very fond memories of the arcade in the mall oh yeah yeah we had a couple arcade uh arcades in the mall but when i was like uh pretty young my my dad actually owned

a arcade at um toronto yeah it was this is this is a fantastical uh growing up you've had here it was pretty good i learned how to play uh foosball or giottoni and uh from a guy named neo at a college at a central tech i think which, which is at Bathurst and Harbor. And he taught me how to play. And my mom would make like lasagna and food and sell it there. And we had this whole arcade. Yeah, it was pretty cool. This is amazing. Yeah. Like the whole back wall was all pinball machines. And then there was two pool tables and then the all the walls were arcade machines and then the first it was like two steps right and then the first level was where the food was a couple soccer tables and a couple little tables just to sit down and eat the beef patties

or lasagna whatever we would say sounds like the greatest place in the world like i haven't gone to uh like a place other than a grocery store in so long yeah yeah yeah it would not have lasted current times but uh it definitely was a good thing back back then that's so crazy and like did he did he ever say like well someday you're gonna get this business you'll you'll see well it was like one of those things where it was, there's, it's kind of a weird business because it's like a lot of this stuff really isn't in Toronto. So it's a lot of outside. And then obviously like getting into standup was made it impossible because you are similar

to standup kind of on call 24 hours a day. And I couldn't kind of be there. I don't feel like I'm on call 24 hours a day as a comedian. I feel like I'm rarely on call. a day as a comedian i feel like it rarely is always on your mind is always on and like there was periods where if someone called me at two in the morning be like hey you want to do a show i'd be like yeah let's go you know right maybe not now but you know there was a point in my when i was especially starting out where that happened and it is just yeah the two the 2 a.m call is possible uh like the the the you know

the 8 a.m call is very rare yeah yeah there's no there's no early morning comedy shows that are anything you want to do but but yeah so i just never really got into it that much but now i'm like we're talking about possibly it might be something that i i'm now gonna help because he's just getting older. So he can't really lift the machines as much anymore. So I got to help him. This is awesome. Take this career as far as you can take it.

This is an amazing development. Did you, you said foosball or jetoni? I've never heard the word jetoni before. Jetoni is like what it's called. And I think like the non non-italian way to say it is foosball um but it's called maybe you've heard jits like g-i-t-z like jits yeah so it's like jits is short for jetoni and uh foosball i think is actually a different game to be honest with you like i think foosball and like you know if you have some killer diehard fans out there who are gonna get pissed off at this i'm sorry if i screw it up but i do think that

a foosball table has three goalies and the bars can come out the other side something you would buy at like canadian tire oh okay right but three goalies yeah have you ever seen those like ones where they're oh yeah oh yeah sorry in a row yeah there's three goals in a row and then i think a giottoni table which is more like the fabi or roberto or like the tournament style tables um are um i love how much lingo is going on here yeah you're talking your fabis your robertos you you're gonna want to get a high-end fabi if you're look let me listen to this i was at a bar once a couple years ago and it was in toronto and they had the jetoni table and people were playing and i was i was by myself and i like playing like i'm really good at defense like the the you know the goalie and the defense that's

where i always play and i don't know if you know but there's like different ways to play there's fastball which is you can't pass on the same line. And then there's slow ball, which is where you pass. You do all these moves, whatever the case is. Don't know any rules. Yeah, there's a lot. So I know you can't touch the ball with your hands. I know some people don't like it if you spin it super fast. You definitely can't spin.

So I'm playing and there's this guy that's there and he's not, he's like, he's this Asian guy, but he has a German accent. Okay. And he's looking for a partner because there's a tournament at the bar and nobody wanted to play with him. So I'm like, okay, I'll, I'll play whatever. I didn't, I was by myself. He's like, I play forward. I'm like, man, it's perfect. I play back. So this is the match made in heaven. We end up joining this tournament and destroy this whole tournament. Okay. Literally nobody scored a goal on us. I found out that this guy was a professional foosball player from Germany, but he's Korean and he lived in Germany.

And then he starts talking to me we end up going into tournaments in Toronto and we end up winning like all his money and like I have I have these pictures of me and him and the first one competition we won they gave us like a WWF championship belt and we just like we literally left the bar nobody knew who we were and we we still talk every once in a while but he's back in germany now that is like that's your screenplay yeah it was it was pretty insane actually but do you graham do you do any of those like foosball foosball or bubble hockey or i like the air hockey air hockey yeah air hockey was always my favorite and like i think the big part of the goal was to get the disc to hit the other

person's fingers if you hit them fast enough you can catch them on the fingers get a little airborne yeah exactly how about you dave what was your fave that was required friends uh yes or at least friends who wanted to waste a quarter on it like yeah i would go my place that i the arcade i went to was at the university in the student union building in the basement and it's not there anymore uh but it was like you would just go with you know ten dollars maybe maybe oh yeah and like you would it would have to be you put you know get your quarters out of the machine and you'd have to because i was not never i would like i would play video get whatever video game lasted the longest like whenever i could get the most time for a quarter because i did not want to have to go home

like wherever i could get the most time for a quarter because i did not want to have to go home yeah and i also like i was so bad at video games i'd go through my money lightning quick and then i just have to sit and sulk for like two more hours while my friends kept playing um the only game that i could play and get like a good return on was that ninja turtles game i feel like turtles in time turtles in time yeah yeah i feel like that was that was one that uh i could stay stay the longest i still sucked but at least yeah i was getting some results you know did you ever play simpsons game oh yeah that's something yeah yeah that's like pretty much the same game like the four players you know and then uh they had the four control panels. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, you're, you're hanging out of your folks house in Toronto. Is this all a pandemic related? Yeah.

I'm actually right now living in Los Angeles and then I didn't really get to come home for a while, obviously because of COVID stuff and whatever. And then I didn't really get to come home for a while, obviously because of COVID stuff and whatever. And then, so I was just like, you know what, like now it's kind of calming down. I don't think people are traveling as much, which you shouldn't be doing anyways, but like, I wasn't, I was like, I can, I felt safer to fly because they passed this thing where you can't get on a plane without a test. And then, so I decided to come back at the beginning of, or January, I think I got back like mid January.

So I was quarantining in the, in the basement here and, you know, right down with all the cool games, had some games. Yeah. I had some games to play. It's really funny.

Cause it's like, you're just like bored. And you're like, I guess I'll just play a ghostbusters pinball for a couple minutes and kill some time you know and move on with your multiple hours of killing time yeah um do you have the thing where you i i feel like anytime i go to stay with my parents i become a teenager within five five hours of being there i feel like all of a sudden i'm i i want to just lie around and watch tv and hang out in my room yeah is this with that mom you know to be to be honest it's actually for me almost become a canada-wide laziness at this point

like i can't work because i'm too comfortable in my parents house and that's why I was never able to do homework I just hated school but also like I wasn't able to like write or anything so when I was ever was here I had to go to like get out of the house and then I started realizing from touring around Canada that became a thing anywhere because I would be on the road and I'm like oh man I'm on the road for a month I'm gonna do so much work you know I'm gonna I have nothing but downtime and then you start like meeting people in different cities and then your time just flies by and then that's one of the things you're meeting people in different cities because this sounds like you you have wild adventures with meeting people yeah yeah yeah

you join a foosball tournament in a city and every trust me i've looked i've looked there um but no it just uh yeah you really just kind of shut down you know you go into like shutdown mode at your parents house and it's it's hard it's hard to stay motivated especially when they're home all the time now because no one can leave and then that that just adds a whole other level of did you ever say since you've been there that i never asked to be born did you say that no not yet it hasn't happened yet but um now i was i was uh looking around i saw on your twitter you had a great question on your twitter which was if there was a movie about the week who would play each day and i was like this this really captured

my imagination who would play monday through that's funny because nobody liked that well i'm i'm proud to be the vocal minority yeah we're gonna we're gonna drill down on this my twitter is more of a verbal thing you know it's not really for reading it's more for speaking so i'm happy that you enjoyed it yeah absolutely i read it out loud to myself and i had a great chuckle that would be a good feature on twitter if you can like add your voice so people can play like a sound clip isn't that tiktok well i mean like texting there's like on my phone it says you can send a voice message yes and i i've never like i often find that i've recorded 20 seconds by accident because my thumb slipped but i never

send them but i know people who send messages back and forth and i find it odd because you at that point you're just using a phone yeah yeah yeah i'm not gonna lie i voice message i voice messages on whatsapp and uh text messaging uh the problem is with text messaging sometimes my finger slips and it deletes the whole message and then that pisses me off right but it is a convenient way because sometimes people don't want to talk on the phone for some reason i would rather just call but sometimes people want to do voice texts yeah i mean i never want to call i've never tried voice texting i just text i guess yeah i think i've i use the phone uh with either dentist office or my parents because you can't text oh maybe i can text my dentist it's like a pretty modern day. I got a, um, uh, I was supposed to have gum surgery like nine months ago and I didn't

because of the pandemic. And I just got a message from my periodontist, uh, a week ago. And I haven't even, I'm like, I'm too scared to even listen to the message. You know,

it's going to be bad no matter what. Yeah, yeah exactly that thing you need is more expensive now yeah gum surgeries have gone up a lot since covid yeah yeah i might just uh you know ask a friend to do it the way people are like cutting each other's hair. Yes. Yeah, exactly. You could probably learn on YouTube how to do some gum surgery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just chop. Get your friend to chop some gum and or put what you need in more or less. I need.

Well, they're going to take some from the roof of my mouth. Yeah. And put it above these bad boys. Nice. Just make sure that the knife is clean. Like burn it with a like a lighter or something yeah or just use a pair of clippers yeah just yeah you set it on zero for this part and or you burn it off with some hot pizza yeah there you go and then just put some cheese

some gum cheese on the side of your mouth and that's it yeah yeah yeah that's not bad um i mean there was the like not distant distant past that like barbers used to do that right like back in the old west yeah they didn't do uh gum grafts yeah i guess i mean there probably was some pervert in the Old West that did. Yeah, that's true. The gum kid or whatever they called him. So who do you think at the

casting the week, who would you cast as, we'll start from Monday I think. Do you have any ideas? You know, the problem was and I feel like a lot of my tweets are like half-assed because i was like if i add a couple people it might help the tweet but i couldn't think of anybody that was the problem i'm like who would play what day because i'm like it was kind of you know i was like the first person

that popped in my head for whatever reason maybe i was watching a movie with him and it was robert de niro and i'm like i just feel like he would play like maybe like a wednesday or something you know because he he's like he's in a transitional phase of his life right now as an actor you know as a person he's you know he's kind of like whenever you see him in a movie you're like things are probably going to get better after you know he's kind of like whenever you see him in a movie you're like things are probably going to get better after you know he comes on because he always fixes things in movies and that was as far as i got in casting the week but okay so wednesday so monday i feel like monday has got to be monday's like bad monday's the evilest like it's like harvey kytel or something oh yeah yeah like somebody but you do not want to see this guy show up christopher walken or yes you know nick nolte i feel like old nick nolte could be a good monday yeah just like trouble's about to happen you know you're like oh trouble's here

like the music stops when he walks in the room yeah exactly so uh some bad guy for Monday for sure. Cowboy Boots. Tuesday. Cowboy Boots, absolutely. Tuesday, we have. Tuesday's nothing. What is Tuesday? Tuesday's a ghost.

Tuesday's Timothy Chalamet. It's like it's there, but okay. Yeah, it's fine. But you see, Tuesday's kind of like the best day because you get over monday and then you're like okay you know people it doesn't have a bad rep you know like tuesday really is where i think the most work would get done you know because it's early enough in the week where you're not tired but also not looking forward to the weekend yet. That's like a zone time.

That'd be like a Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh, wow. Okay. I think of Tuesdays, I think of Taco Tuesday. If there's a Javier Bardem, it could be. Why him? Because he was so good and no

country old men and were there tacos in that i don't i don't see the connection grip um no i think the i think tuesday is like free wheeling and kind oh no you think it's like a hard working day i feel like you've made it through monday so tuesday is like your reward it It's an easy day. Tuesday is no reward. Like Tuesday is, I mean, I guess it's, it is the most work a day,

day in the sense that like Monday, you might have like, you got to plan the week. It's like, first of all, we've got to get up to speed. Right. And then by the time you're up to speed,

your day is over. I, I will also add to this. I have all my office working experiences from TV and movies. I've never actually had like a serious job where days mattered to me, you know, unless it was like Thursday night pub night and I was working at a bar. So I don't know if Tuesdays in the office are like the laid back day. I,

that I don't know because I think also it would go to where your life is. Right. Yeah. Now I'm going to suggest... Just for the listener, if you're not enjoying this, just remember, we're only on Tuesday. Yeah. So, you can fast forward just to estimate how far to fast forward. I'm also going to recommend heavier Bardem for other days of the week just to show that I'm not.

Because there's other days I think he would be good for. And there's other Mexican i think he would and there's other mexican food i you racist no i will say with the days of the week thing i was thinking that the days of the week would be uh uh movies would be months like i feel like if it was like a like a movie is like i feel like it's more like a premiere you know like like 12 gods fighting and then days are like workers if that makes any sense i would like to map your brain it was what are what are years uh movies or months what are years yeah oh year years are cities yeah here years are the producers you know they're the ones that pay

the money no i don't know i haven't got past months to be honest with you it was uh when that got too confusing i stopped thinking about it there yeah but i like that we're doing a deep dive i do like these things where you're like yeah you could come up with these metaphors and they're like you try to explain them to other people and you're like why did i why did i say that out loud yeah i guess that's what the social media is for now you're like i guess i kept that to myself why did i have to voice message that to all my friends hey everybody who do you think i got a voice message from margaret just he says that movies are months yeah and i hear i hear german being spoken in the background i think he's back on the foos circuit

all right wednesday's robert de niro and maybe heavier bar yeah i think i would like to nominate heavier wear dim just because of how strong he was in no country old men let's see well i think of wing wing wednesdays uh boy who's the chicken wingiest actor there is chicken wing um yeah who's the chicken yeah like like who's it was somebody that would be from buffalo i feel like buffalo is a big popular chicken i don't know if there is any actors from buffalo that we would know that aren't in the independent movie scene right i mean um vincent gallo was in buffalo 66 that's good i think that's as good a connection but I think we should leave this one for Javier Bardem. I feel like if he's not part of this cast...

You're not going to nominate him for further weeks? Oh yeah, I forgot. We have to do four weeks worth to do March. Yeah. All right. Thursday feels like

paella. And for that, I'm going to have to go javier bardem who's from spain and not mexico that's right oh man i feel like i really really got this out of control so fast uh at least i'm not letting you off the hook you certainly are not um i uh thursday's a fun isn't it like a fun day because it's like friday eve yeah it is fun thursday's like the new friday yeah and it's like you would go out to a bar maybe on thursday because you're like well i'll just coast through friday and then so thursday is fun i think it's like uh who's somebody who's like an actor. Can we go back to Wednesday? Can we go back to Wednesday?

The wing Wednesday. Buffalo. Sounds like Ruffalo. Oh yeah. Yeah. Mark. It all comes together. Yeah. Nuffalo said,

um, uh, so who's like the most fun, you know, who's a lot of fun. Melissa McCarthy. She's really good. She'd be a good Thursday of fun melissa mccarthy she's really good she'd be a good thursday yeah like she's she's uh always a joy to see in a film um what do you what do you

guys think is that too too on the nose it's too i just wonder like now i'm just wondering what kind of movie this is oh yeah well robert de niiro can do comedy or drama and Mark Ruffalo. He's also can be very funny. So this could be a good, but they're both Wednesdays. They can't be in the same movie. Oh yeah. Who's Tuesday again?

I want to say a few. We also forgot Monday is industry night for the, or is that Sundays for the bar world for the mondays aren't mondays industry nights for like people who work at bars and and isn't that the day that they go out or is that sunday what does that mean it's like people who work like in the bar industry they typically all go out when it's the most dead in bars and they just like oh yeah yeah i don't know what if it's monday or sunday though like is it like it would have to be monday because there's always

like oh i don't know there's monday night football that's pretty busy yeah but like uh you know how they say like there's a comics comic that comedians tend to enjoy more than audiences who's the bar's bar like who's the bar that all the bartenders want to go hang out out there on their night off i feel like where's industry night just to hang out at home and read a book no i think it's the bar's bar it's like the bar that everyone goes to that you know it has like the most weathered bartender or something you know just seen everything why doesn't he get industry night off he is the industry um uh you you seem like you know a lot about this were you ever a bartender i worked at like a restaurant we all had different jobs

you know it was like one of those uh things it was like a family-owned restaurant and it was like six it was your mom making lasagna yeah yeah, they, they have a lot of industry nights are like, I don't know. I don't know, but it's like a thing for sure. I just don't know exactly what day it is. But yeah, I just always,

that was always what I wondered. Like, do they get together and just play softball for the night or yeah. Do they all just go to a bar? Cause that would be the worst thing to do on a day off was go into a, your workplace. Yeah. Like it'd be like workers was go into your workplace. Yeah. It would be like workers going to a different office

on their day off. Let's file some paperwork here. Yeah, construction workers going to a half-built building to hang out. Walking into Home Depot to smell it. They're like, all right, here we go. Just smell it. A lot of the bars i i know a couple of

them in toronto and they they typically have like uh like a beer and a shot special on like a monday you know they typically the bars that have the best deals um if you're like oh we can get a shot and a beer for like nine dollars like a pbr and a jameson that's typically where the industry i'm quoting here would go on okay who are you quoting i'm quoting industry the bar in this i remember from doing stand-up that if you wanted to do like multiple shows tuesdays and wednesdays you can like bounce from show to show to show yeah yeah because it's the bars will put on anything anything at all to get people in the door even comedy yeah from my experience any bar that starts doing comedy closes in the next year and a half i feel like

comedy at a bar is like their last breath to try and stay open like we've tried everything let's try an open mic let's alienate the people who were already here anyway yeah yeah guerrilla comedy that's what we need yeah i remember a joke by a guy called erwin barker who's no longer with us but he there was a bar next to the bar we were doing a show in and the bar next to it was full and the bar we were doing show and was empty and he said you know why the bar next door is a full because they put up a sign that said no comedy tonight they're like this is gonna set ourselves to the roof you know there's no comedy time i always wanted to do like a social

uh what is it called like a social experiment where i wanted to have um a bar or a venue that had two doors one on the front one on the back and i wanted to have a sign that said uh like comedy show like 60 tickets you know and i wanted to plaster it down the street. And then I wanted to have a show for $5 because I started thinking about this and I was like, man, if you see an expensive show, you might be like, wow, I want to watch comedy, but I can't afford it. And you see it enough. And then all of a sudden this $5 sign pops up. You're like, let's go check out this $5 show. So then I wanted to monitor who came in the front door and who came in the back door and see if anybody paid $60.

I was obviously going to give them back their money, but I was going to, I wanted to see if it would create awareness. And I thought of this because Just for Laughs was in Toronto and people were talking so much about comedy, but they couldn't afford the tickets. And they started going to all these like garbage shows

because they were free or cheap but it was in the air for comedy garbage if a garbage was in the air you know some people got some eye infections you're doing the garbage showcase yeah i'm sorry to inform you but you've been selected for the garbage shows that just well uh so thursday fine melissa mccarthy fun fine so friday's the hero right friday's the hero or saturday you see friday i think friday's again going back to comedy friday's the worst day because people are like for me the friday light show is the absolute worst show because people are coming straight after work it's like the beginning of the weekend so i think you're getting like you know like a gary bucey

as an actor like a very bucey yeah like someone who's like seen some shit you know you're like and just but still has a good smile yeah yeah yeah like gary bucey okay he's got a good smile a beautiful smile um gary bucey yeah it's a good friday kind of wild like a wild card yeah who's but like now your theory i don't mean to offend you that's crazy and way off base friday's the best friday's the rock yeah maybe maybe it is d Friday is the rock. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it is Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Right. Yeah, I guess it is. It is because it's like one of those things where I feel like so many people are rushing to go home Friday.

Like, that's the problem where Saturday is a full, you know, you can sleep in both times of the day, the beginning and at the night, you know, but Friday. Yeah. You're a little tired. what do you think graham um i'm just trying to think of somebody who like looks tired all the time i'm saying like steve buscemi maybe and he can be a wild card right because you know yeah he can be funny or be you know very menacing so that's that's my vote is steve buscemi okay what about saturday now saturday king of days yeah the king of queens i'm gonna say kevinthew mcconaughey oh true uh you know you know doesn't get more laid back than that right yeah and but like

with morgan freeman though you also can bring in like the church crowd because I feel like the church crowd would be like yeah Morgan Freeman give me a psalm he is the go to god you know who else would be good Javier Bardem because we forgot we were supposed to keep pitching him yeah that's right this I think is the perfect day for him

because he can you know towards the end of a movie, he can be very menacing. Because I feel like Sunday's very... Yeah, that's going to get scary at the end. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it does. Yeah. Or it could be somebody who's famous for Sundays, like Mike Wallace.

Because he's like a Sunday standby, right? Yeah, sure. Or Tom Brady. he's like a sunday standby right yeah sure or tom brady well in that case i think the the the it's friday song had its 10-year anniversary the other day so technically rebecca black should have yes been friday that was 10 years ago yeah oh my god i was only 10 when that came out ice cube also has friday oh yeah. He's cornered the Friday market. Well, this is a... Yeah, we can get Ice Cube in there.

I mean, boy, we have a lot of white guys in this. And it's nice of us that we added... There was one woman in the cast. Yeah, and... Just to go back to Ice Cube, I just thought about Ice Cube because his son is also an actor and his son played

him yeah in the nwa movie do you think that ice that you'll play your dad in the movie about exactly yeah yeah yeah exactly no what were you gonna ask i was just i would ice cube be like you know secretly kind of steering him towards roles that he wish he would have had in his acting career and say like take this one this could be oscar bait or because ice cube got into silly movies pretty fast oh yeah like you know he's become the real silly family movie guy which is an interesting pivot nobody saw that coming out yeah he did friday he did the friday after next he's done he was in barber shop barber shop wasn't there one also where he was like he played like a babysitter or there was

there was one called are we there yet oh that's the one are we there yeah and are we done yet yeah and then he yeah he replaced vin diesel as triple x makes sense right yeah at the most no he's done other has he done other action movies he um he was in anaconda i just watched a movie the other day that he was in oh the other guys he plays the the chief of police yeah oh is he the no no no uh 21 jumps 21 jump street oh 21 i watch balls a lot of michael keaton's the chief and the other guy yes yeah yeah 21 jumps he plays he keeps quoting uh tlc that movie's really good yeah like the worst thing about that movie is that that they were, hmm, maybe Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg should be a comedic duo beyond this movie. So, I think that completes the cast of the week.

Yeah. I'm surprised. It's a bad cast. We did a bad job. That's an Oscar movie. Well, that's just a week. It's a bad cast. We did a bad job. That's an Oscar movie. Well, that's just a week. Remember, movies are months. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the weeks are the actors. The movies, the months are the movies, you know. So, in October, it's probably going to be a lot of fire, you know, some sort of lava and a volcano, I would imagine. I got nothing else after. Oh, no oh no yeah let's not do that and mark you also have your own podcast yeah which is dedicated well you go ahead tell us what it is i it was an idea i had a couple years ago and you know i officially got got the ball rolling a couple months ago um not movie months just real months you're stuck with it i haven't done stand-up in a long time so i only get my laughs this way um no but um no but uh it's a podcast called my first trek and i'm

watching star trek for the first time i've never seen it in my life and um i'm starting from the original series and uh yeah it's it's it's interesting you know i'm not gonna lie it's very confusing um but yeah yeah yeah because there's a lot of jargon in it right it's not only that the story just makes no sense because first of all i don't know what the hell they're doing you know they don't actually tell you why they're in space and i'm like is this like in the future the past you know they reference earth and i'm like i don't know like i could obviously imagine but i'm trying to put myself in the the mind of someone from the 60s watching this and i'm like i just found out what the point of the us as Enterprise is on like the 10th episode and I'm like did they forget to add that in the script like why is this 10 episodes in and then the first four episodes

the pilot has a different cast the second and third episode now have William Shatner then the fourth episode has a whole new cast and then it goes back to the william shatner and and uh dr mccoy and all that and from my understanding the fourth episode was supposed to be the reboot pilot but it was too heavy of an episode so they put it as the third episode and they made the first episode the salt monster and this is in the william shatner not the Captain Pike um episode this is this is do you know Star Trek I know uh just like I watched it very casually when I was because it was always on I feel like it was always on at like four o'clock in the afternoon so I would watch it because it was television uh just it happened to be on tv and I like it just seemed like it was the it was the same thing.

Every episode is they would beam down to a planet and have either a fight with the people or the aliens from that planet or they learn something from. But I guess there's probably a fight every episode because otherwise, what the hell would just be a boring. Yeah, I'm getting rock samples and stuff. reason is it really feels like in the first handful of episodes they're just having there nothing's happening except them fixing the ship they're like oh the tractor beam broke and i'm like okay this is tim allen trying to fix a sink and then something blows up and then literally nothing is happening but you're like so much happened and that's kind of like seinfeld so it's like that was the elevator pitch for Star Trek. Yeah.

The show about space, nothing. Um, do they, I've, so, cause I've never watched, I,

I, I don't, I think I saw a Star Trek movie, but I've never seen any of the shows. Like, uh, my wife, Abby watches them. Uh,

and like when she, she works from home and for some reason Tuesdays is the day she has the most work to do and there's like a Star Trek the next generation marathon right but but I've never uh so I've seen a bit of that but I've like yeah I don't know you mentioned the the earth and the the enterprise uh i never occurred to me that like yeah why are they in space is something wrong with earth and what is the why is it called the enterprise or yeah and and it's like i think what it is is they're essentially starting like a space union from my understanding like they're going to all these different planets and they're making them a

part of the federation and so okay i don't and that's what they are like i'm like that's where i'm confused i'm like is captain kirk like the law like i don't understand like is he because he it's they start talking about it later on where he's like i don't want to report you and i'm like i don't understand who's reporting to and then essentially in like i don't even remember what episode it was but captain kirk said it he said it like four times in an episode and i'm like they must have forgot until this episode to talk about it that's why he's saying it so many times but like that's a makeup for last time they're like look we gotta really people are getting confused out there uh but it was like he said that our job is to make sure that like i don't even remember what it is right now but it was like along the line

it was a very specific uh grouping of words but it was um it was like essentially yeah i like to create a space union i don't know if it changes but one thing that i have been told is i'm actually watching it out of order even though production date is that the original series from the 60s the actual chronological order that the original series is like the third last one you're supposed to watch you're actually supposed because there's series that take place before so that's why it doesn't make sense right yeah yeah well and also the the thing that i always found very charming about it was it was made in the 60s. And so every planet they go to, there's aliens with go-go boots or wearing mini skirts.

But there's no equivalent of Star Trek The Next Generation. They don't go to a grunge planet. They might. All these plaid shirt aliens. Yeah. Klingons are kind of grunge they're kind of grungy that's true wharf was he looked like he might be uh he might be into the punk scene yeah yeah yeah geordie laforge was a new wave guy um so how many episodes in are you and how many episodes are there okay so the first original series i think is 80 episodes total for the three series seasons um i'm just at episode 10

so i'm very new um and i'm trying to think because i do think i started not only wrong because nobody really watches the original series i think the the next generation is the one that everybody started watching or knows okay you know um but it's interesting to see the backstory i guess because everyone it was an original thing and it's also like a thing i know all the cast uh all the characters names and i have never watched it but i know what the deal is with all the characters. Did you do the Star Trek cast? The original Star Trek cast this days of the week?

Okay. I'd say Spock is Monday. It is interesting though, but I'll tell you surprisingly, I am not at all, uh, someone who talks openly about like political things that are happening between like race or sexist issues. But it is a very racist sexist show, believe it or not. And I

know people might get mad, but Dr. McCoy is a racist. He talks so down to Spock because he's half alien and he keeps calling him a half breed and he keeps calling him like, and it's just like for no reason. And, uh, he's just picking on Spock, hoping that everybody gets in on it. It's like, Spock is supposed to be like smart.

And then like, he'll come in and try and help Dr. McCoy. And he's like, you think I need your help here? Half breed, you green blooded freak. And Spock,

like, like it's your bowl cut and fuck. But everyone I've talked to because i talked to people who are star trek fans and i asked them i'm like do you think this is racist or sexist and they all say the same thing they're like it was for the time you know which i guess is how we work but it's like isn't it like famously uh progressive like it's got you know because interracial kissing yeah and you know tribbles yeah yeah it has it has that and that's the thing where i think that overshadows it but i have talked to people where they don't watch the original series because you know it was something that was a little bit racist undertone and i feel they get around it by calling people aliens

you know like it's not racist right spock is an alien or captain kirk can like flirt with a 12 year old girl but in the story she's 400 they're like you know she's 400 yeah they're older than you so it's cool yeah they figured out a loophole that's an actual episode he's like gross he's like and it just is it's just interesting to see like especially like you know i obviously don't know it's like to grow up as a girl watching star trek in the 60s but you see that's very specific thing you do not know but i imagine a lot of tv was similar to that though you you know? Yeah. To me, like I never watched it because, uh, I would watch anything on TV except that and mash.

I hate it. And this, cause it felt like space mash. It was space mash. And Alan Alda wouldn't have been out of place on Star Trek. The original, he would, he would look like he was belonged in the engine room.

Um, the, uh, I was going to say, but, um, would he would look like he was belonged in the engine room um the uh i was gonna say but um the next gen like it's the original so old looking and the next generation like you could still you could still watch that and it looks like like a show that should exist but showing a kid like the original star trek they would they'd lose their mind at how slow and weird it is yeah and and there's a lot of things that i i just didn't understand like do you remember in uh was it dodgeball the movie i think it was where they all put i or no it was

a semi-pro when they all put eyeliner under their eyes and they start sweating and it starts burning their eyes the will ferrell basketball i didn't know that that's like an old acting thing and they do that in the original star trek you can see they all have dark eyeliner and i'm like it's just like very and and i think the cast that they chose for that is all theater actors so it really seems like you're watching a play not a show play yeah yeah i always checked out on jargon anytime there was a jargon that I had to learn what this race was or what the currency was or how to get around. Like, I watched a sci-fi movie a week ago

that I don't remember the name of, but it was so jargony that I was like, you should just use the words that we recognize. Like, you don't have to call a gun a zip-zorp. And, like, you know what I mean? They could have to call a gun a zip zorp and uh like you know what i mean they could have just said a gun and everybody goes oh yeah i know that is yeah yeah i was just trying way too hard there how how deep are you in like sci-fi movies are you like deep in like netflix or whatever where you're watching like b and c sci-fi movies that make no sense, but they're just hilarious to watch. No, I try it.

Like I've been watching a lot of horror movies and, uh, I enjoy those a lot because you don't, you just get the premise and then you can just go with the premise. It's not going to be, nobody stars in them, you know, like it's just people,

actors that maybe you've never heard of, or you recognize from another movie, but sci-fi, I can't, because I do like the idea of sci-fi, but if it's too, if I have to learn something to just get into it, then I am not interested.

If you miss like the opening monologue, you're pretty much screwed. Cause they explained the whole movie. Yeah. The brilliance of star Wars is they explain everything in a paragraph in space. That's right. You're a,

you like comic book movies though. don't you, Graham? I enjoy a comic book movie, although I feel like there's too many of them now and there's no special, you know what I mean? I guess the only comic book movies I like are the Garfield movies. Yeah, I guess that they could

technically be part of the Marvel universe. Yeah. oh yeah i guess that they could they could technically be part of the marvel universe yeah when i was uh when i was in high school i used to work at the movie theater and we got a sneak preview to spider-man one and obviously it was like the biggest thing of all time when it came out everyone was talking about it and i went to school the next day and i told everybody that venom dies in it and everyone like started like freaking out. Cause I was like spreading like fake news of Spider-Man and people got so mad. And then they all saw it on the weekend.

And then everyone just tried to like kick the shit out of me on Monday. Cause they're like, Venom wasn't even in the movie. I don't know. Yeah. That rules. Dave, what's going on with you, man? man oh not as much as you guys um i uh so a couple of weeks ago i was i because i've been i haven't really been watching like late night shows during

the pandemic but uh if the tv gets left on then i catch a bit of Colbert or whatever else. James Corden. Yeah, usually just, I'm not that late. I'm not cool enough to stay up late and watch Corden. But, yeah, so it's just been like comedians or whatever, TV hosts in their houses. Right. is right uh and i was um and you know they'll do zoom interviews with people uh and do a monologue to no laughs yeah and it's it's weirdly stilted and whatever but i always thought the laughs that those jokes got were the weird thing like oh yeah you know they're just i mean the audience is

excited they've just had they've just just had Eddie Brill has just warmed them up. But the. So I was curious about Ellen. I feel like daytime talk shows. Oh, yeah. Like, what are they doing? Oh, yeah. And so I made a point to watch Ellen this week.

She just dances around her own house or what she's in studio okay oh and she's uh she doesn't she's not acknowledging that everyone knows she's mean now that's right yeah it's uh the devil wears prada is her she's friday yeah she's friday she's so friday maybe sunday yeah it could be sunday or monday yeah um so she uh she's in her studio um oh yeah the opening credits come on and it's her 18th season and it says ellen 18 which in my mind makes me think covid 19 like you don't put a teen number next to your name yeah that's right yeah uh and so it's ellen 18 and then she comes out and she's got that guy who was her dj and he's just standing there he's not playing music anymore he's just kind of like he's kind of a sidekick beatboxing yeah exactly we we had to cut the music budget so could you please make music with

your mouth or this kazoo here i'll give you this kazoo yeah but so she's there and she'll make she does a little monologue to him but there is uh there's canned laughter. Oh, yeah. That's brutal. But I'll tell you what, it works. Yeah. Really? Like, it feels like it's the laughter that they must have recorded or they must have been always using to begin with.

Because that's how most TV shows in, like, the 80s and the 70s were made with canned laughter so much so that cheers had to say this was filmed in front of a live studio audience because it just seemed like it was canned laughter that was too was cheers the one that uh broke the live studio audience barrier i don't know if it was but i remember that's about the time that they made this announcement they would never make that announcement well i mean i cosby show did it as well i don't know matters but like i don't know that that's also when i started watching tv so they might have been already doing it yeah right before cheers but like bc you say you're 30 bc like it is it works like you're the timing's

good and it's like as far as ellen goes it like it sounds the same as ellen like because the first time i watched it um i only caught like the last 10 minutes of it and i was like they're not showing the audience but we're hearing the audience and like the camera is specifically not angled in a way where you would ever catch the audience right or any interaction with the audience what is she looking at um she's looking at a uh us magazine cover this is how mean she is pretending that there's an audience though or she yeah she is she's looking out like there's an audience there yeah yeah um i don't remember her specific eyeline but that's it felt very much like they were pretending that the audience was there and then later on the

another episode i watched uh they were showing they had like a bunch of screens in the crowd of like the way that the nba had like right. Yeah, so they had a few of those. But who's, like, who's sitting still for an hour, like, watching Ellen being taped? Yeah, it's... I might do that, actually. See if you can be one of the people in the audience. See if I can get tickets for Ellen. If you do, you'll be a legend.

You'll be a legend if you do. You'll be a legend you'll be a legend if you do you're an absolute legend um but then she she does silly like uh you know silly things uh where you know she gets her interns to play a game and then like you know they get a pie in the face yeah from a guy in a mask uh and then she'll talk to a celebrity celebrity and the celebrity will be staying with their parents and they'll get the parent involved in a game. I think it works better than the late night talk shows. The thing that I watched last Sunday, I think,

was the Royal Rumble. It was part of an online party, and they were watching the Royal Rumble. It had no audience. It had a bunch of LCD screens with people who were watching, but there was no audience noise, so you could hear

the wrestlers talking to each other, and it was the best. It was the best, because they're playing characters, and now they have lines that they're kind of doing. It was the best. It was the best because they're playing characters and now they have lines that they're kind of doing. It was the best. It was great. People thought it was going to be sad. I loved it.

Yeah, there was a couple of weeks ago, I think, like one of the hockey games, you could just hear a kind of JT Miller just said like, yelled, just said like yelled, fuck like four times in one shift. That rules. It is crazy. Cause you're there in these like huge echo chambers.

Cause there's no one else there now, you know? And it is interesting to, to know what the, if that's going to be the thing now, if they're going to have like bubbles that everyone can sit in or something, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, didn't, wasn't that what the Superbowl did? Didn't they let people into the stadium and like, they sat apart or whatever? They had,

well, they, they gave like 7,500 tickets to healthcare workers who had already been vaccinated. Oh, okay. That's smart. Uh, which is like the, the only nice thing that NFL has done. to healthcare workers who had already been vaccinated. Oh, okay. That's smart. Which is

like the only nice thing the NFL has done ever. Please come and watch these men get concussed to death. And then they were

breaking, you know, they had like, people were still spaced out. It was weird. Yeah, it's weird. Then the weekend did lunchtime. That's what I call halftime. Just at like an elementary school. Yeah, served some square pizza. Weekend's doing lunchtime.

How did we not cast the weekend in our movie? maybe the soundtracks by the weekend i uh i saw that uh ticket master was not gonna let you go to their shows unless you had a negative test oh wow you have to either put it in to buy a ticket or to get into the venue i don't remember but it was a couple weeks ago i saw that they were doing that there's definitely gonna be like a fake you know like fake id mark but like yeah when are people gonna be starting shows that need ticket master to sell tickets yeah music it was more music yeah but like when will that happen that like is anyone being like okay let's do it yeah i guess i guess maybe in like florida yeah yeah a lot of florida concerts in arizona yeah exactly cool the cool states yeah the coolest

states anyway so that's me i watched ellen nice it was the it was fine are you an ellen fan now um hmm does it matter that that she's mean to you no she's not mean to me i can take it i like it actually it's my kink i think ellen would be nice to me uh that's me deluding myself uh that's a like a people magazine uh quiz would be nice to you well are you already famous no do you work for her yes oh she wouldn't are you part of the writers union yes well she definitely wouldn't um let's see no i i think you know what i think i like ellen more than i should yeah well you know what uh there's a lot of such a good such a good stand-up she was very funny she was very funny as a stand-up i think i saw her on her last tour before the ellen show started yeah yeah wow like before

the ellen sitcom or the ellen before ellen the talk show oh wow and she was so funny and then she came out and danced to what a man by uh it was so funny she danced to the whole song that's hilarious lip-syncing and it was the best it was the best encore i've ever seen i think like she she finished her set went out to the wings everybody kept applauding she came out lip-sync to that and then that was the end of the show that's a good encore yeah bands should do that she's in the same

she's in the same bracket I guess as Joseph Gordon Lovett you know like just like someone who was like had a show or on a show a long time ago disappeared for a while and then came back to like a superstar which by the way i don't like joseph gordon love it i think he should have stopped at

30 uh third rock from the sun you know but but his stand-up is really good yeah it was really good he has the confidence like his face looks like he thinks he can do stand-up you know like he has that like squint look all the time where he's like squinting i'm like what are you squinting at like what are you like what are you doing put on some sunglasses yeah boy yeah no he was good yeah it's weird when a child actor becomes a grown-up actor yeah but you know like it's weird if you know them primarily as a grown-up actor and then realized that they have a past a past oh that Joseph Gordon-Levitt he's got a past he's got a questionable past he killed a guy

he has an IMDB past that's maybe the only sci-fi show I've watched is Third Rock from the Sun no jargon I mean the big giant head yeah but those are using english words they're not calling it like the zippity zoop zoop boop um yeah what's up with you um well dave i know you're you're an early riser you wake up around like 6 30 or something like that yeah

between 6 37 yeah um mark are you how's your what's your wake-up time i'm pretty early yeah yeah like a seven seven depends honestly um i feel like in los angeles this is an insane theory i feel like you never adjust to time zones like we adapt to them but you don't fully adjust and i in la i will wake up at 5 5 30 every day i can't i can't sleep past that time like i really have to try and force myself but in toronto i can go like 8 39 but right in la i can't sleep past 9 30 like i'm it just my body doesn't work like that anymore yeah so like uh i usually i will have like i'll wake up in the middle of night for like an hour or something and then i kind of add that hour on to the waking up time and the other night i had a night where i literally didn't fall asleep the

whole night so i was just in bed and then i was up and I was reading and I was eating and I just had like a whole day at night. And then I was like, well, I'll sleep in the morning when morning comes because I've already done a day. I don't owe anything. I've done this day. And then I couldn't fall asleep. So I just had this day where I was up like I saw 5 a.m. I saw 4 a.m. Yeah.

Like and then it's weird. But yeah, by the time it was like 5 a.m i saw 4 a.m yeah like and then it's weird but yeah by the time it was like 11 a.m i was like insane yeah it felt like yeah two days it's crazy to be like oh it's lunchtime and i've been up for six hours already you know and then you're like i have so much more of this day you know but you really do get a lot done because like i felt like if i ever had to like have a deadline for a project i would fly back time zones because i would go like five hours back in time and then that way i could it would in my brain feel like i'm getting more time so to you it's just all a numbers game you're it's all numbers it's all numbers man the sky doesn't mean nothing um uh yeah i i remember being uh like when i was like 21 or 22 having the worst cold so like i couldn't get to sleep because i couldn't breathe

right yeah i hate that. And being up all night and then like five o'clock coming and being like, I'll go to Denny's for breakfast. Oh yeah. Five in the morning. And so I did. And like, this is,

this will never happen again. Like the idea of being like, I'm so sick. I'll go up. Let me go to a diner. This is a very pre-pandemic um but uh just like let's see i want to mingle with the uh 5 a.m crowd at denny's oh man and that's mostly people who have stayed up till yeah not on a tuesday wednesday it's well yeah i guess it is but it's just like

people who are who knows the reasons uh i prefer that you refers to Tuesday, Wednesday with the actors. As Mark Ruffalo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I just felt insane that day because it felt like by like one o'clock in the afternoon, I was like, how much more day can a one person handle, you know? That's a lot. Yeah. So, it was like how much more day can a one person handle you know that's a lot yeah so it was like it was it was really crazy and uh and then the other thing that happened this week is and i haven't done a lot of these uh i've done corporates that have been zoom corporates and uh i never

wanted to do one ever again um and i did what I did was I showed a slideshow that was like from my Instagram account and I just make jokes about it. And it's like a nice visual thing for the zoom, but I did it and my computer fucked up and it wouldn't let me put this slideshow on. So I was like tech troubleshooting in real time in front of these people who were in their houses. And I could see

people getting up to go get like a drink or chips or whatever it was just it was the noose you should you should have kept it up for the whole time and that would have been your whole thing hey have you ever been a guy who has tech issues the whole time i'm the tech guy the tech issue guy it's it's like an andy kaufman of the zoom circuit i signed out of my account i don't remember my password i gotta change my password by accident it's like very artsy yeah so eventually i just gave up and had to just do stand-up yeah sitting down i was sitting in a chair and uh it was the worst it was the worst yeah i uh because there was no nobody had their mics on so it's just like into the abyss every joke and uh yeah i think that's the end of

me and the corporates uh in the cyberspace world yeah well yeah boy when do you think real shows will come back we haven't talked about this in a while whenever ticket master says so that's when i'll go back to a show yeah yeah it's interesting you know because it's like even when it does the world gets better i do think like there are places that people want to sit shoulder to shoulder but it's it's kind of weird to think like to sit in a room of mass gathering full of air particles you know and it's like it's just a weird setup and the whole zoom show thing is something that i haven't really been able to get behind um but yeah i like the idea like i was

talking with a comic and they were saying that they were showcasing in places that they don't live you know like they were like oh i'm doing a show in atlanta and i'm like that's a cool idea because if you as the booker need to watch that show you know what i mean you're right in the chat room where or whatever it is but like what if you're in atlanta the book is probably outside having a cigarette or not watching the show so you're not really showcasing but on the zoom show they actually you could come out of it with some good connections but it is like it's a weird thing that's that's another thing that i've kind of noticed about the the whole situation is people who are being enterprising during it where they're using this time to like start a business and are

like just go full steam ahead and i applaud those people for sure because i that's all i can do is applaud them i can't become one of them uh so you remember when people were like uh buying up all the toilet paper and selling it at an inflated rate yes oh yeah and there's probably people who have so much toilet paper. Like, they've just got every closet in their house just overflowing with toilet paper. Yeah. I don't know. I'll keep a roll in my, like, apocalypse kit. Because I didn't realize how tradable that would be.

Just not beside the bottle of water. Just in case it opens up. Should we move on to some overheards yes please i'm judge john hodgman and i'm bailiff jesse thorne 10 years ago i came on jordan jesse go and judged my first dispute is chili a soup it's a stew obviously the judge has dispensed a decade of justice. He's the one person wise enough to answer the really important questions. Like, should you hire a mime to perform at your own funeral? After they cry, I want them to laugh.

Do you really need a tank full of jellyfish in your den? They smell like living creatures decaying. Only if they are decaying. Yeah, which they will be. Real people, real justice, real comedy. Winner of the Webby Award for Best Comedy Podcast. The Judge John Hodgman

Podcast, every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org Hey, it's Jesse. What you're about to hear is real. Hey, this is Chris. Hi, Chris. It's Jesse calling from hear is real. Hey, this is Chris. Hi, Chris. It's Jesse calling from Maximum Fun. Hey, Jesse.

I heard that you got into a car accident. Yeah, I was listening to Stop Podcasting Yourself, and I just laughed so hard that I slammed into a construction barrier. Do you remember what it was that was so funny? I will never forget, I'm sure. They started talking about Vegas and the, you know, if it happens here, it stays here and that slogan. And then Graham was talking about, oh, you know, wasn't there some other slogan for another commercial? It was like a commercial for food.

And it said, like, whatever's in there stays in there. I can't remember what it was, clams or something. Clams? just so ridiculous and man i got lightheaded i was laughing next thing i know they are they are just brilliantly funny so i talked to dave and graham from stop podcasting yourself we would like to pay your car repair bill. Is that okay? I mean, that would be super nice, Jesse. I really thank you.

I appreciate that. Overheard. Overheard's a segment wherein we ask you nicely to overhear something and report it here to the podcast. And we always like to start with the guest. Mark, would you lead the charge for us? Okay, yes. I feel like when I'm asked a question, I don't know how to answer. I think it's such a proper scenario.

But I heard my parents' house. And obviously, I have very minimal human contact, but one of my days in quarantine, I heard my mom kind of, and my dad like lightly arguing because my dad has a thing where he needs to print out his junk mail on his emails and he doesn't know how to use the printer. So I woke up like every morning to like my parents arguing because my mom didn't want to print out junk mail anymore and and it's something that's been happening since i was here where he will read junk mail like a newspaper and it's like i don't even

understand it so that one is it just like from stores it's just legitimate spam mail like everything like it makes no sense and it's obviously a waste of paper it's like it's he reads his he prints his emails out to read them like he doesn't read a lot of computer is he now uh boy i don't know the right way to ask this a hundred years old you might as you might as well be he might as well be he uh he has multiple computers though but he doesn't know how to use any of them i love that yeah i i is graham you brought a printer during quarantine yes i did oh wow you're printing like a madman uh i printed a lot of stuff because i was i was mailing a lot of stuff because I was mailing a lot of stuff out for a while. And I also bought the wrong size of paper. I bought legal paper.

So everything that I printed out, I had to cut the bottom off to make it. Where do you even buy legal paper? I don't know. I got it from Staples. 7x11. Yeah. Was it an inkjet or laser? I think it's... Oh, I don't from Staples. 7x11. Was it an inkjet or laser? I think it's...

Oh, I don't know, actually. I think it's a laser. I've had to replace cartridges. Not yet, but soon, I assume. It might be a laser. Yeah. Because I had an inkjet for years, and then I finally made the jump to laser around Christmas time.

It was my present to myself. Yeah, yeah. the jump to laser hour around christmas time it was my present to myself yeah yeah wasn't there because the ink was going to cost like 80 of what a laser printer would cost yeah right stupid yeah after i after you know 10 years maybe more of this inkjet printer i was like i can i cannot do anymore because i would go like eight months without using it and then need it and it wouldn't work yeah yeah it is like a little bit of power when you know that you have a printer that works and the the wireless printing works on it you know yeah it's like oh well that i said that is not reliable oh i honestly i'd be like oh let me just print this out just because i can you know and like it is a pretty good thing and i was actually

trying to buy a razor the other day very similar to the printer where the initial cost is no money but then the new heads are like 40 and you're like what what's going on here yeah i had a beard i didn't shave for three years and but i guess right before i started that beard i bought an eight pack of uh of uh blades so i'm still on those blades from three and a half years ago now yeah that was a good long-term investment well not shaving is uh just like really makes your blades last a lot longer uh dave do you have an overheard yeah mine is an overheard from a tv show uh i was watching uh the news and i clicked i accidentally clicked on a different channel and they were showing this kind of like hallmark lifetime style movie and just this like i caught five seconds of this made for tv movie and it um yeah i like it told me the entire plot of the movie in five seconds and i just it made me laugh uh and it was

a woman like preparing for this event and she just said it'll be a perfect night not just a special way for me to save the radio station, but also a way to show everyone in town how much I love them. You're right. Wow. That's the whole script. That's the elevator pitch. Yeah.

Like they ran out of stuff to type. So they put the elevator pitch in the document. You'll just have her say the thing, but also like, I want to tell the whole town how everyone in town how much i love them i don't i don't yeah exactly if you want to do that there's something wrong with you yeah yeah you have to be loved by the whole town jesus yeah someone someone needs some attention yeah exactly yeah there's that look is that like a hallmark yeah something like that yeah one of those you know bride for a day

which i guess is pretty standard for a bride yeah what what do you think the next scene was um oh she was uh you know, she made these bum fights videos. I'm going to go viral now. My overheard comes courtesy of, there's all these outdoor plazas that have popped up around the city so that people can have a coffee and not have to like sit in a coffee shop or whatever. And just get soaked outside just get soaked and just everybody be themselves and the there's been kind of themed things as the years kind of uh go on there was like halloween they kind of put up a lot of halloweeny stuff and there was a band that was there on saturdays playing like only halloween hits three halloween songs yeah exactly and then uh so it's valentine's days on the horizon and they put up uh like big wooden uh versions of those candy hearts that would say like love me or

whatever i don't know strangle yourself i don't know what the other things would be but love me is one of them and i was having a coffee and the two women walked by and one of them pointed at the the candy heart and said uh those tasted like shit yeah which is true yeah they really were like the ultimate in getting stuck in your molars. Yeah. And it also just tasted like chewable type of bismal, you know? Yeah. Sure. Yeah, they're like, we got all this extra stuff from our candy. What can we do?

Let's make them lovable hearts. Yeah. They're like the hot dogs of candy. It's just every leftover sugar they have. Yeah. Everyone scraped the bottom of their shoes yeah there's a little bit of flintstone vitamin in them uh now we also have uh overheard by the way it's i just want everyone listening uh this is coming out the day after um valentine's i just want everyone i hope everyone

had a very horny valentine's day yeah and a horny valentine's day to you as well sir yeah okay you there kid what day is it uh why it's a horny valentine's day you go fetch me the biggest vibrator the market has yes go buy me the biggest butt plug in town are you why are you going out no no um now we also have overheards sent in from listeners all over the map if you want to send one in you can send it into spy at maximum fun.org uh this first one comes from simon from toronto i was taking my dog to local dog park when I happened to walk by four teens hanging out at the picnic table

they were discussing going back to school after months of remote learning teen one said can you believe we're already starting school in 15 days teen two 15 days that's a long time that's almost half a month yeah that's like half a movie.

That's half a film. It's like two sets of actors. But you know what? To those kids' defenses, time just was different back then. 15 days, you know. That's true. Could have felt like an eternity, you know. Where now you're like oh

my god what happened it changed i find every day is different like some days are or like maybe weeks are different weeks are kind of like oh boy tv shows and uh but i do find that like some weeks go by so fast and some weeks you're like, what the hell are we going to do? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So without getting into a huge thing, because I know we're probably out of time here, is like, do you think time went by fast or slow during COVID? Because everyone was like, you know, going into lockdown, I was like,

oh, I'm not going to be doing anything. It's going to be going so slow. But it, to me, went by like so fast. I was like, oh man, it's already June. It's already September. And like, now it's whatever me, went by, like, so fast. Like, I was like, oh, man, it's already June. It's already September. And, like, now it's whatever month, February. I'm like, did you guys find that it went fast or slow? Both.

Yeah. Like, each day. But I'm so in the moment, man. That's, like, that's, you know, I appreciate every second I'm on this earth. This, I guess, third rock from the sun that we're all on. This next one comes from Angie in Minneapolis. My eight year old son is an only child. Got this handwritten birthday card from his best friend.

Number five is the kicker. So this is five things I like about you. Number one, I like about you. Number one. I like your laugh. Number two. I like that you're good at video games. Number three. I like your voice.

Number four. I like that you're wacky. Number five. I like that sometimes we get to do what I want to do. This was a note from his friend? Yeah. This is a handwritten birthday card. Oh, okay. It was a note from his friend yeah this is a handwritten birthday card oh okay it was a birthday card it wasn't just like okay i'm out of kids i've i'm out of things to do with my kid

write notes to all your friends write top five lists about all your friends we'll get you a writer's room and you can write as many top five lists as you as you want sure we'll have eddie writer's room and you can write as many top five lists as you, as you want. Sure. We'll have Eddie Brill warm up the audience. Um, this last one comes from Shannon from North Carolina. I haven't overheard from you when my son,

from when my son was six, I told him you really have to learn to wipe your butt by yourself. And he said to me, no, I'll just have my wife do it. Oh man. to learn to wipe your butt by yourself and he said to me no i'll just have my wife do it oh man but that's the concept like oh just for the rest of your life people gotta wipe your butt that's the way it goes and it's six being like okay well my my wife my mother will wipe my butt until i'm married and you know there yeah there will be a test to show that i'm pure

no other woman has wiped my butt until my wedding day. Oh, man. Oh, man. What a world. Some couples argue about whether the toilet paper should go over or under. And some argue about whether you should be wiping my butt, honey. Yeah. It was Taco Tuesday, you know?

It's going to be a messy one. It's a messy one. Boy. We what boy we uh i'm not never mind you know i get raised the stakes no uh i'd like to apologize about what i said before uh about have your yeah no that's me who needs to apologize well uh i mean you got his nationality wrong but i think the uh you know reducing a person down to their national Food And I mean is that Mexico's national food The taco maybe it's the

Burrito I mean I'm Ukrainian And I guess ours is pierogies And so in that sense We would probably be Friday Because pierogies start with a P And Friday starts with a b and friday starts with ph yes yeah this is good i also don't think the burrito was i think it was invented in the

states by the way oh shit okay well american past food oh man man i'm in the stew with this one i'll tell you yeah graham uh apologizes i apologize as well um and uh we just we might not release this one if a listener if you're if you hear this episode we're dead yeah we're dead and you know what you probably are too okay cool uh in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have.

Hi, SBY. This is Sarah from Colorado calling in a overheard slash kids to the darndest. My four-year-old son has been watching these cute dachshund videos where they recreate movies like Ghostbusters and Jurassic Park. And the other day he was asking me to put another one on and he just said, I want more dog wieners.

Because he mixed up wiener dogs. Oh, because they were doing a remake of Boogie Nights. So we need more dog wieners Mark Wahlberg pulls a dachshund out of his pants that's the big reveal at the end of the movie

there's a dog the whole time I'd watch that those sound delightful yeah I want to see the Ghostbusters reenacted by wiener dogs, I'm assuming? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or dog wieners. Dog wieners, okay. All right, here's your next phone call.

Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Greg from Pennsylvania calling with the overheard of the KidSing variety. I was driving my daughter to school, and we were listening to like a morning radio show, and a person called in, and they, I don't know, answered some question for a contest or something, and the host

said, oh, cool, hey, what's your name, man? And the guy said, oh, my name's Keith, and my daughter said in the backseat, she's like, Keith? Isn't that that pie with eggs anyway off I go that pie with eggs

yeah that is what it is I guess is just like you mean quiche and Keith yeah he's kind of a pie full of eggs he's a bit of a pie with eggs do you like a quiche Graham no too much egg Yeah, he's kind of a pie full of eggs. He's a bit of a pie with eggs.

Do you like a quiche, Graham? No, too much egg. I don't even like an omelet because there's so much egg. I like having one egg. I don't want an assembly of eggs. What about your thoughts, Mark? I'm done with eggs. I can't do them.

They disgust me. When people cook, like when I was making eggs, I had to actually dump bleach down my drain after because the smell in the pipe would destroy me. Oh, wow. I don't, it's a, I have, was this at home? I used to work in a restaurant and there was like, I feel like working the grill and doing breakfast for so long. It gave me like a PTSD with the smell of egg on metal and i can't stand it like right like i'll smell it like hours after and i have to like bleach my whole kitchen so i'll eat egg in something like bread or dough but i won't eat an egg you won't eat an egg not a not a solo feature. Only a supporting cast member. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah.

It's not the main event. Eggs are like, oh boy. Eggs are like a Tuesday. They're like a Tuesday, absolutely. I like quiche. Yeah? Yeah. It's, I feel like it needs, whenever I've had quiche,

I feel like I need salsa on the side to just like have it soak up some taste. Eggs just really, they don't take taste eggs just really they don't take taste very well um i uh yeah like there's very little my kids will eat yeah and i like i like eggs but i do there is a hurdle yeah of of knowing like okay this is a weird embryo. Yeah, this is a weird thing I'm eating. That is like, you know, that I prefer when it's gross and runny. Like I know that is weird. Like, oh yeah, I like it soft in the middle, which is, and I know that's like the idea of that going down my throat is gross. Yeah, exactly.

going down my throat is gross yeah exactly and yet uh but my kids uh they will eat hard-boiled eggs which i have always hated right and uh but they like them and like there's only five things that they won't protest when i serve it to them so we always have a fridge full of hard-boiled eggs and it's oh wow it stinks i uh i love a hard-boiled egg i will say more than a quiche i like a hard-boiled egg yeah um because you know what that's a walking and eating kind of snack you don't need to sit down for it you can just chomp away at it yeah yeah as you're going to the post office suck it down in one gullet one gullet and one gullet here's your final overheard james from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I don't know what I just saw,

but a guy was loading his snowmobile onto his trailer in a cemetery. I just had to keep on driving. I didn't know what to do. Off I go. I feel like he's trying to call the cops. He should have called the cops first yeah yeah sorry guys uh was this a lot of people have us programmed into their phone next to the cops

stop cop casting yours podcast um yeah it's uh uh what the hell was going on i don't know i can't yeah snowmobiling around snowmobiling around uh cemetery yeah i guess you could use gravestones as kind of like uh you know like when you're skiing what are the like the moguls yeah yeah sure like you a little slalom between them yeah yeah yeah that's i think that's my official explanation of what was going on anybody else trying to raise the dead zombies on ski dudes yeah that's the triple x the next one ice ice cube versus zombies on ski dudes yeah um did vin diesel come back and reprise the role after? No, I think it was he was in the first two, and then it got handed off.

And then people were like, why are we watching these movies? And everybody walked away. No, 2002, XXX. Abby and I frequently quote the trailer for this movie when Vin Diesel is doing something extreme. Of course, he plays xander cage uh and in the um in the trailer he goes i live for this shit uh triple x state of the union starring ice cube in 2005 and then uh triple x 2017 the return of xander cage ah i did not realize that there was so i guess it's kind of like a james bond or anyone could be triple x yeah i heard uh i don't know if this is true so don't hold me to it that vin diesel can't say a full sentence like this was

like something that i heard in high school where they it takes forever to film with him and everyone was like did you guys hear vin diesel can't like it was like a thing i don't know if it was like to make fun of him or something but i heard he has a twin and he can't say a full sentence so it takes forever that's why his lines are always short in movies but what is the how does the twin factor into this whole situation well it was just like another fact it was just like it has nothing to do those are the only two things i know about vin diesel man and it might not even be true he has a brother named paul a twin brother named paul paul diesel yeah ma and pa diesel Pa and Pa Diesel. He can only speak one sentence at a time.

No, not even. He can't even say a full sentence. It's like he has a problem where it's like he starts to get, I don't know if it's like confused or something, but it's like apparently it takes forever to film with him. Like it's a mess. Oh, man. Well, I mean, they're doing crazy things with sentences these days a lot of them are really short yeah that's right oh yeah um well that uh brings us to the end of this here

episode uh mark thank you so much for being our guest oh thanks for having me um people can find your album i assume on all the uh all the platforms out there oh yeah every platform nice and it's uh it's called minutiae minutiae and uh yeah and your podcast is my first trek yeah my first trek and um i actually yeah just launched a website that i learned how to build so you can check out myfirsttrek.com and it has all the social information there nice uh and if you want to see a website that someone's just learning how to build that's a good way to yeah it's pretty rough but it's uh it's from scratch the number one spot for your vin diesel news yeah well uh thank you everybody everybody out there for listening.

As I've been saying the last few weeks, thank you for listening. Take care of yourself and each other. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.