Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 679 - Bita Joudaki

Episode Date: March 23, 2021

Comedian Bita Joudaki returns to talk stock trading, Britney Spears, and Bruce Willis.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 679 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's probably hurting after St. Patrick's Day, Mr. Dave Shumka. Oh yeah, I have a hang-o-apostrophe-ver. Yeah. You look well though. No, i'm fine

what am i gonna do put green food coloring and beer at my house yeah why not you're right they do it in the chicago river or whatever yeah yeah they dye it green one day you're why can't they dye blue the uh other 364 days yeah it's hinky it's hinky is what all it is. It's from Fugitive. The Fugitive, yeah. Which I just re-watched recently. It's really good. I don't care. Now I jump off of a drainpipe.

Our guest made a shocked face. Dave doesn't care that Graham watched The Fugitive? But it's all, if you're a fugitive head like we are it's a little bonus content yeah we actually was we're gonna call this it was gonna be a fugitive recap podcast every week and we were gonna call the fujis and we were gonna do it with pros and uh uh wyclef and lauren yeah they backed out mostly we were mostly going to do it with Praz, though. Our guest today is a returning guest to the podcast.

She's oh so funny. She has a new web series called The Bita Judaki Show. It's Bita Judaki. Hello. Hello. Boy, the lag is terrible. Oh. Hi, Bita.

Welcome to the show. Thank you. It's been so long since I've seen you. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Do you want to get to know us? Sure. Get to know us. All right. First things first. Before we get to know us, I want to talk a little bit about last week's episode. Some people, we got some comments that it was a little rough to listen to and i just want to address

those i want to say we thought it was great that's the sound we're going for yeah exactly that's our new sound yeah um if you know that new sound you're looking for we'll we'll listen to last week's episode yeah this is dylan going electric and so if you can't keep up get out of the way. Yeah, Pete Seeger came by and tried to smash our podcast with an ax. But yes, we love it.

That's what we're aiming for. We're in a pandemic. I, you know, normally I'm kind of a control freak and I like that I can control every aspect of the recording. Yes. But during a pandemic,

I can't do that. And I love that. I of the recording. Yes. But during a pandemic, I can't do that. And I love that. I love having to let go. I love, you know, maybe I'm growing as a person. And I love that about myself. I want to get better. What am I? That Jack Antonoff project?

And let's see. Yeah. We're working on it. Yeah. In the future, if you want to, uh, give a feedback, give it directly to Dave or I,

not the guest who was on the show. Yeah. Do not tag the guest. Also in the future, if there's guests, you would like us to get on the show. Do not tag them. Also do not tag them.

Yes, please. Just tell us. uh, but, uh, wait, yeah. Ryan, uh, L lashance last week's guest uh it didn't sound great we'll get him back on it'll sound better yeah and he was super funny

if if you uh if you could take the sound we appreciate it uh and i bet you had a great time i bet you did yeah um and also, as we, on the lucky, what's supposed to be the luckiest day of the year, recorded a podcast. St. Patrick's Day is supposed to be the luckiest day of the year? I don't know. I assume so. Maybe Leap Day, Leap Year Day.

I don't know. I wonder. What is the luckiest? Anyway, go on. It's May the 4th, because it's due to Star Wars, so that's the luckiest anyway go on um uh it's may the fourth because it's that's due star wars so that's the luckiest day uh we recorded an entire episode and due to uh technical unfreeze abilities we lost it we lost the whole episode it's lost a time um yeah i screwed up my recording there was i did not record it back up so it was There was a, I did not record a backup.

So it was all just a one. And I did. Wonderful. Very funny. Bita came through in the clutch. And can I, can I just say at the beginning, Dave was like,

um, Bita, you useless woman. It's weird that he starts off on that foot. Make sure you're recording, bitch. And I was the only one recording well I definitely I didn't tell

I used those words but I said it in a meaner way the so yeah last night about five minutes after we finished Graham sent me a text message that said I have bad news. Both of my recordings didn't work.

Oh, I will be buying a new computer shortly. I will be. I am quite sorry. I have no idea what happened. And I started writing, oh, buddy, no problem. And then in my mind, I remembered, I don't remember that window coming up saying that I was recording. Oh, my God. So I wrote, oh, buddy, I'm sorry.

I just realized I did not record the Zoom. And so we scrambled. Graham was like, should we do it again with beta? And I was like, yes, of course. Yeah. And your original suggestion, I could tell you must have been in a big panic because you were like should we do it again right now we could do it again right now oh my god i would have been insane that's i think we all would have been insane which i think would have been a

fun episode just like loopiness but you know what oh i'm just like so raging upset set because listen i think i gave an egot worthy performance last night yeah and if this was eligible for any of those four awards you would have gotten them yeah because whenever they come out with a podcasting one that'll be the p got and uh yeah yeah and then then whoopi goldberg won't be better than us yeah um so oh yeah the other uh part of this text conversation was you wrote i'm so sorry my recording didn't work and i wrote i'm so sorry i forgot the backup and you wrote what a pair and i said but also nothing can hurt me anymore i'm just done i'm just done with my brain i'm done with the pandemic i'm like oh yeah of course bad things happen yeah exactly but like sometimes to good people yeah worse things happen to better people so yeah um so thank you very much beta for being

our guest back to back one day after the other. It's a treat to have you. You beat us getting time and a half for today's show. Well, you know what? We just had a regular conversation. Yeah. Who did us just now? No,

no, no. Last night. Oh yeah. It was just a regular conversation. People didn't miss anything, but I mean, there were gems.

There were gems in there for sure. There were gems. We'll get gems. No, no, it was hilarious. I just mean it there were gems. There were gems in there for sure. There were gems. We'll get gems back. No, no. It was hilarious. I just mean it wasn't recorded. So it was just like. It was just a conversation.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Yeah. Well, I also I had it going up live on Twitch. So it wasn't just between the three. Were they recording it? Oh, OK. No, there's no.

No, there's no recording. Can we just back out of this right now? Are you on Twitch? Is anybody on Twitch? No. Does anybody understand what Twitch is? I understand what it is, but Fill me in. Well, people just stream. They can stream themselves.

Yeah, games. Gaming. Gaming. It's mostly gaming, but I think people will also do like hey i'm gonna practice piano for an hour just live streaming and then it's just a live stream be just fanning yourself it's very hot and my room is sweltering yeah why what's going on so hot it's a hell pit temperature outside i don't know man like eight degrees okay it's not that bad same here yeah um yeah i saw i watched a video of myself doing stand-up and i was so sweaty in the video i was like they should have told me that i was sweating that much when they were recording me but but what could they have done

what was this for like a tv show yeah it was for just for last thing they could have said oh stop and pat this poor poor man down that's sweating as if he's uh testifying anyways more like a like a southern preacher yes yes i do declare yeah poor lawyer i eat it yeah beta you've got a new project out you don't want to talk about it i know that from yesterday so we can skip right over that okay thank you um i'll talk about it it's the beta judaki show it's a patreon uh go support beta like graham and i do yeah yeah thank you graham was first no no dave was first dave was first dave was way before graham he's an early adopter i wait to see if this all works out um but anyways wait yeah this patreon uh-huh is it

the kind where i pay by the month or do i pay per thing you do per thing i do yeah so you've how many you've only done one thing i've done two but they've both been free so far but we want to pay that's our whole thing we want to be supposed to release one yesterday but i just didn't erase it oh yeah grammar to hit record yeah but anyway as i love to say it sucks and you shouldn't watch it putting a thing on the internet forever but beta is there any stuff on the internet of you that you wish didn't exist? Like a video or something that somebody else has posted? Everything. Don't make her say it.

Yeah. No, but I have things that I don't know how to take them down. They're just somebody's put them up and I don't know... You can't. What do you do? Do you ask? You can't. There's nothing you can do. No, you can ask. But they can also say no and then you're back to square one. Well, if it's on, you can't do you ask you can't do no you can ask but they can also say no and then you're back well if it's on you can like make a like a an ownership claim or something if it's like youtube

oh okay their asses yeah you can like flag it to youtube and they'll be like i'm sorry sorry we're not taking it down yeah they, they would say no. But like you, the internet has existed your entire life, correct? Pretty much. No. Pretty much, right? Pretty much. But I mean, I wasn't really on it on it until high school, maybe. But you have stuff, perhaps poems, perhaps other things that are out there from high school?

Oh, God. Do I? What are you getting at, Greg? Nothing. I just... I just went talking to somebody who's been a teenager. Do you have a poem I wrote? Yes, I have a poem that you wrote. And it goes as something like this.

My name is Beat and I'm here to say that I hate this cider in a major way, right? Thank you, yes. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, because like I didn't, the internet wasn't, you weren't able to get on and like publish video of yourself doing something stupid as a teenager. And now everybody has that. That's like. Yeah. Just common, common.

But I also, I didn't grow up with it. And yet I still have clips on the internet that I hate. The Curse of the Comedian. Yeah, that's right. But I also, I didn't grow up with it. And yet I still have clips on the internet that I hate. The Curse of the Comedian. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. So embarrassing. When you were last in Vancouver, you did stand up. Oh, yeah.

At your show. And it was so funny. Oh, my gosh. Okay, wait. Do you know what someone said after I did it? What? Lovely man man a dear friend he was like that he was like you were so confident not good job not you were funny you were so. I like a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it.

Thank you. Your set was so funny. And have you done it? Have you kept doing it? Well, I think that was my fourth set ever, first of all. Second of all, yes, I did keep doing it. I think maybe just for like six months before the pandemic started. Do you miss it? Parts of it. I think maybe just for like six months before the pandemic started.

Do you miss it? Parts of it. Do you not miss, like, is there, what don't you miss? Oh. Oh, like stuff that you're glad is gone with the pandemic. Yeah, like handshakes, I guess. Right. And hugs. And the expectation that you'll show up at a social function.

Oh, yeah. Traveling places. I don't miss that. Going places. Having to, like, have your... Yeah. What else? Meeting in a restaurant that you can't afford the food at.

You know what I mean? Like, if you're out with some Richie Riches. I love doing that, though. And they all get tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish and you can't afford to go to it yes this has happened to me um yeah uh is there anything you don't miss dave that's such a weird question yeah like what because i yeah i know i uh i definitely don't miss handshakes and hugs from like acquaintances yeah that makes sense that idea of like well hey how you doing but have you met somebody during this pandemic where where the

handshake would be the thing you would do because i've it's happened twice to me and i did not know what the fuck like a new person yeah a new person like a new person and you're oh definitely uh yeah like what did you do did you just just acknowledge that yep well uh just with a head tilt yeah like this is where we'd hand shake hands but not obviously how about you have you met anybody during this crazy pandemic like a new person yeah i've met many how i've just like participated in a lot of programs and been in writing rooms and they're all oh cool you go to physical rooms with people no have you been like it's all zoom okay but so there's no handshaking that you're missing out on? There's no handshaking, guys, no.

Okay, good, good, good. You keep looking down. Are you getting text? No, I'm playing with the necklace because I don't know why. Put it on. You look so confident with it on. No, no, I won't. So you're very funny on stage.

You're also very funny on Twitter. And on Twitch twitch you're great on twitch uh you're great on what's the new one that's like the linkedin one clubhouse um you're big on little bow wow you're big on tiktok uh-huh what would you what could you stream for an hour that would like what if you were a twitch person what would you what could you stream for an hour that would like what if you were a twitch person what would you what could you do for an hour that you think i guess would keep people engaged because i mean i would do an hour of me sleeping but in reality i'd just take one still picture and just have that up for an hour then you can go commit a crime. Exactly. Yes. I've got. What would you do for an hour, Bita? Oh, God.

What would I do? Maybe I'd watch TV. Yeah, that makes sense. If you're listening to this podcast and you're not on Twitch, check it out. I'm sleeping there right now. You know, wait a minute. Do you know that dancer twitch ellen's dj no no okay that's cool whatever this is ellen's dj what wait ellen's dj is a dancer named twitch yeah i thought this was common knowledge well i watched have you watched ellen during the pandemic

no i met her and i didn't have to shake her hand that was pretty good um i watched it once and it's like the same like she's not she's in the studio her her dj i guess his name is twitch uh is there they're they're pranking like staff members that's hilarious ellen's hilarious ellen's got the goods got the goods guys can i can i um talk to you about a dilemma i have yes thank you please okay so as i said yesterday i've been cooking a lot of chicken, rotisserie chicken. But you wait, wait. Well, it's not rotisserie chicken if you're not cooking it. Oh, right. That's what I was going to say.

No, no, no. Right. Whole raw chicken. Raw whole chicken. You've been cooking raw chicken in the oven. And as you said yesterday, it comes out looking white. But it's cooked. It's disgusting.

But it's just. Okay, so that's just. But you eat it all. Yeah. None goes to waste. Listen, every time I cook them, they turn out disgusting, but I keep trying because I like to use the bones to make like a bone broth. Or a necklace. Or a necklace.

Yeah. But bone broth, like, cause you know, it's fun to obsess over things. And collagen for the aging woman is... Chicken collagen? Yeah. So what do you do with the broth? Do you drink it or rub it on your skin? No, no, listen.

Inject it. I drink it. I drink it. But every time I cook with chicken, I'm just convinced that I've given myself food poisoning. Yeah. Like today, I had some chicken and i've spent all day being like okay you're gonna die any minute now here it comes i don't think you can die from eating uh no yeah you can't if it's good if it's good if it's poisoned yeah if it's

poisoned chicken or if can you die from a little bit of salmonella? Yes. Yeah, I think that's why people are concerned about it. Yeah, but like... Because if it was just diarrhea, then it'd be like, ah, that's just chicken, man. It just gives everybody diarrhea. But if you cook it and the meat is a little bit too pink... Oh my God. I'm having a freak out already.

But you can't die from that. Yes. You can't? Dave, you can die die from that yes you can't dave you can die no i mean i guess but does the chicken not all chicken has salmonella right not all chickens hashtag um graham likes to put the hashtag after yeah that's right so your dilemma is what? So listen. No. Should I be a vegetarian? Even though. Yeah.

I loathe vegetarians. I am a vegetarian. So get your loathing on. And I loathe you. Yeah, that's true. No, I don't. I just don't want to be a vegetarian. But every time I eat meat i'm like convinced for hours after

that i'm gonna have food poisoning no matter what kind of meat mostly chicken i've given myself food poisoning before and you're afraid that did you die in a way in a way. But can you just not eat chicken? Is that not a possibility? I'll give it a shot. It's the only thing I know how to cook, but I guess not.

Yeah, but you don't know. But like fish, people eat that raw. Yeah. And steak, you order it in levels of like how well cooked it is. i don't think those things have salmonella right like i guess not yeah i don't know like to people how to eat goat is that the thing that has to be like really cooked or smoked or i think i've i think some people eat raw goat raw goat maybe not i don't know i our wedding we will serve raw goat i love to spew

facts i didn't know nothing about yeah me too what's what's a good fact hit us with a fact you don't have to do it right now but at some point during the podcast i want to see you just okay throw off a fact okay i'll keep that in mind. I'm not a vegetarian. I was just remembering I had to go to my office today and I haven't, I hadn't been in months. And one of the places in the neighborhood that I used to go to for lunch is closed now. And I would go, cause my, I would go to this place and get a grilled cheese sandwich And a bowl of soup And I forgot That I used to

Try to be a vegetarian until dinner Oh yeah Like I forgot this about myself But I used to like I certainly don't need any meat At breakfast And at lunch You know what I can probably make it work

without much effort, without like Sure. straining my brain trying to think how am I going to not eat meat for lunch? And then

dinner time, you know, usually it'll be meat. Little raw goat. It was, it occurred to me today that like,

oh yeah, since this pandemic started, I threw that out the window like i don't even remember doing that well like you only eat meat well i don't only eat meat but i like it's never a consideration of like oh yeah i should not eat meat until dinner well maybe when you're back to your old routine we, man. We'll see. But speaking of routine. Yes. Have you tried poutine?

Yes, I have. The one thing, like, as a lifelong meat eater, I've recently discovered mushroom gravy. Yeah. I've made my own mushroom gravy. That is, like, you know, sometimes vegetarians will be like like this is like a cauliflower steak or sure like uh they try to come up with some parallel to a meat thing and you're like i don't think that's the same thing mushroom gravy is better than meat gravy and that's the original like the the hardcore poutine lovers they know that's the original gravy. Oh, is it?

It was mushroom, yeah. And then this beef came a lot after. Yesterday on the show, you were telling us that you now spend five hours a day. Yes. Watching Real Housewives. Yes, that's what I've been doing all day. Your favorite person is a woman in Utah. Mary?

Tell us about Mary again. Which one's Mary? Ohary oh my gosh this is so strange it is yeah okay so yes i've been watching ours that is it's been my um pandemic uh what's it called hobby i guess yeah yeah so yeah salt lake city there's a character named mary no she's a real person she's a real person she's a real person she um is married to her step grandpa right this is cool she had all her sweat glands removed that's right hmm she does seem like she was made by mad libs oh yeah that's so funny yeah yeah she's really she's she's really strange she is deeply unwell yes sure but for our entertainment oh yes i don't know maybe i remember telling like a room full of like beautiful, older, successful women that I'm watching these shows and they were all horrified.

Where was this? Where did this happen? It was just in a right like it was just in a writing room. I was working as like a writer's assistant, basically. And they were all just um they're not that much older than me maybe like five to ten years older but they were just um they were just horrified that i would be watching taking pleasure in these people with with really unstable um lives yeah but you know what they what? They weren't forced to go on that show.

Yeah. It's not like cops where they break down the door and make you be on Housewives. Do they... Does cops have to get a release from the person? Oh, it's so bad. Did you... They... Oh, it's so...

They're so evil. Cops is over. And it's crazy that... They lie. No, it's not. They lie. You brought it back. They lie to them and like yeah

tell them they'll be arrested if they don't sign they get them to sign if they're like really intoxicated and oh sure yeah and they took it off the air and then they put it back on yeah we need it there's a there's a podcast about how evil they are actually about how the the movie or not the movie cops can you imagine my. We took all the best stuff and now it's a two and a half. It's a Zack Snyder film so it's four and a half hours. Remember when they made

one Simpsons movie? Yeah. That was weird. It was weird. Make one a year. No. I heard a legend that they wrote a movie

a long time ago and it never got made for one reason or another. So they cherry picked that script and made it into like six different episodes oh sure and uh and then what was the simpsons movie good i don't remember you saw bart's penis yeah that's right you saw bart's penis oh no yeah oh my gosh wait wait did guys see? I did not watch this episode, but in flashbacks, Homer's flashbacks to when he's a teen, it's in the 90s now. Yeah.

Wow. I have seen that. Doesn't that just devastate you? Not really. It devastates me. Okay, wait. Okay, what about this? Homer is 35.

Yeah. Does that just ruin your whole life? Yeah, it does. So he's 35 and he grew up in the 90s so then bart and lisa were born oh they're born after 9-11 they never knew they never knew that's right so that episode where they go to the twin towers it never happened also they i think they took it out of circulation anyway that's horrible horrible. Yeah, it was horrible. Now that I think about it. Oh, wait, no, no.

I mean, Homer in the 90s. Oh, sure, yeah. I mean, yes. Bita, on your Twitter, if your Twitter is to be believed, you are also a fan of the television show Riverdale. Oh, hell yeah. Now, how many seasons are there? I watched the first season, and then I lost track.

I think four or five. I think five. Have you seen them all? Yeah, I'm all caught up. So how bonkers does it go? Because it started pretty bonkers. And like it was spooky and there was like sexy versions of. Yeah, the season one I remember is Archie was having sex with grundy no yeah i think

so yeah yeah um uh and reggie was um i don't remember any reggie but cheryl blossom played a very large role oh god that's right yeah her brother had died and uh then bet Veronica were there too. Yeah. And also Archie and the rest. Oh, and Jughead was hot. Yeah. Jughead's dad also was hot. It was Skeet Allrich. Right. Oh, yeah.

And was Archie's dad Luke Perry? Yes. Wow. R.I.P. Cool dads. My God. Where do they meet after you know during the soccer game the kids are having what do they do they go and have a not a hacky sack they're not those kind of cool

they're not that kind of cool ha ha ha aye aye aye ha ha ha oh brother um so what's going on now okay should i spoil it absolutely spoilers ahead okay fast forward for 45 minutes because that's how long we're talking about this so this uh season this new season they all graduated from high school okay okay end of premise and then jump forward five years okay oh really yep what's the future

like um betty is an fbi agent what really this is amazing um archie joined the army. Wow. The army, wow. All these civil servants. What's her name? Veronica sells diamonds. Well, sell what you know. Yeah. Oh, Reggie is evil. Yeah, but he always was.

Yeah. Yeah, they kept that consistent in the Reggieverse. I can't really remember anything else I apologize That's enough It's my favorite show What's Jughead up to? Oh right He's a writer

He's like a deadbeat Writer guy But they just graduated high school Five years ago You can be a 23 year old deadbeat None of these people should have jobs Right Well

Yeah Oh my god Yeah 23 Would you buy a diamond From a 23 year old absolutely i would because i'd be like oh is there am i sensing something here and then i buy several diamonds like romantic what do you mean yeah exactly so these so they the child actors who play these characters now have to pretend to be in their 20s?

Well, they've aged, right? No, they're all like 26. I'm joking. Of course they are. Okay. Remember like, never mind. Sorry. No, no.

Please. I don't know. It's just something boring I was going to say. Remember like 90210, they were all like 30. Yeah. Yeah. And Homer is 35. Can you imagine that?

You know who else is 30? Spongebob. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah. Like in what sense? Like his character? Yeah.

Is a 30 year old man or the show's been on for 30 years? No, apparently in one of the episodes he shows his government id from the under underwater police yes and um he's 30 uh that is a show i've i've never even watched by accident i've never caught one second of SpongeBob. It is funny. I love it. It's legitimately funny. It is my favorite show. Move over, Riverdale.

Here comes SpongeBob. No, but it's really delightful. I have a cousin who drew on it, but we're not close. Could you get a drawing from him, maybe? No. An autographed drawing of SpongeBobgebob i don't think so you're really not close like you can't yeah yeah fair enough it sucks to find out you have a relative that's cool i don't know you can't connect with no no maybe i could ask him yeah

well you know what i'll give it a shot. Don't feel pressured to. So that's one of the things I read on your Twitter, which I insist people who are listening to this podcast follow Bita on Twitter. I have another secret to divulge about last night. Yeah, go for it. So Graham last night was like, you have the tweet of the day. That's right. Which was? You have the tweet of the day. That's right.

Which was? Which was something like, I posted a selfie and lost two followers. Which, admittedly, is not very funny. No, it's very funny. But anyway, I outed you about not liking it. But then what did I do? You retweeted it. And I retweeted it.

It's been a love fest ever since. My first Graham retweet in 11 long years. The other thing that you wrote on Twitter was about a prank that the girls in your school made you do. Oh, my God. Yes. This is amazing. This is a high-level prank that I never would have thought of in a million years may i please tell us about the prank yes okay so there's a deep deep backstory i want it all i want the whole backstory i want the whole epic saga okay so this girl i was used to be best friends with um she was like a lot more beautiful than I am

and she was very popular and she left the like in her new school and then she sent me um she sent me this this like online quiz that it was like write in your crush's names and we'll tell you how compatible you are with them and then me a stupid fool wrote in my crush's names oh and then i got a message saying your you the names of your crushes has been emailed to whatever her name is. The local news. Yeah, the FBI. The FBI. Yeah, anyway, but she didn't do anything with that information. I mean, I was like, so what a cruel time in life.

I'll never want to go back. Like, childhood was not good. Do you agree? Agreed. go back like childhood was not good do you agree agreed because i think about that i was when i was a kid i would think about something like candy all pretty much 23 hours out of the day but i couldn't get to it i could only think about it yeah now i eat candy like nobody's business this is bad for you yeah but not when you're a kid when you can handle it yeah i mean like i don't want to sound like um a debbie downer but life is just suffering do you agree yes yes

yeah correct currently currently yes i used to nine to five i suffer no look i like nine to five under normal circumstances but this is getting old you guys get vaccinated in the last 24 hours uh no they did have news that uh we got pushed up a month and also like hasn't yeah well i mean we were in bc people i'm 40 and uh we i was supposed to be july august now i'm May, June. So two months. Nice. Wow. Congrats.

Yeah. Congrats to you. Yeah. When's your vaccination coming down the pipe? Mine? Yeah. Any news? Probably the fall.

You know what, though? I don't want to be vaccinated. Okay. That's two guests in a row. Listen, I don't believe in it. I'm just joking. I'm just joking. You've got to fill out this online form to get your vaccine.

Who's your crush? I'll miss the masks, to be honest. You can keep wearing them. I think we should. Really? Yeah. Washing hands rules. I was in Mexico. Really? Yeah. You know, washing hands rules. I was in Mexico like a few months before the lockdown last year and my friend brought hand sanitizer with her.

And I remember being so weirded out. It's like, that's like a bit too much. Yeah. What don't you think? Yeah. But it was all like before that it was like, oh,

I don't want to get a flu i don't mind getting a cold it's like yeah yeah but like in in crowded areas where you're on like you know where there's just like elbow to elbow people why wouldn't you wear a mask it seems crazy now that people walked around without masks in that situation my so i uh get hockey tickets um a set of hockey tickets every year usually and i was talking to my friend who i gave hockey tickets to last um march maybe like right before the lockdown yeah my friend ben i walked past his house and and we were talking and he was like oh yeah did you give me those tickets on purpose? Because you were afraid to go out in public. And I was like,

I don't think so. I think this was before the lockdown. And I was like, just couldn't go to that game. And so I gave them to him and he was like, yeah, the guy sitting in front of me was like spitting on the ground in March of last year for three straight hours.

Holy crap. But that was his way of getting on the camera. That was his. Yeah. On the camera that was his yeah on the spit cam that's a thing of the past I used to work at a catering restaurant or at a catering company and they would you know cater these

events with like hundreds of people and food would just be sitting out for hours and then the staff would eat the food that was sitting out isn't that disgusting? going to hockey games and

your team scores a goal if the people around you are extra excited, you're going to be high-fiving the crowd around you or shaking hands with everybody the shaking hands with the good do you have a good day passing the peace and also with you um i also worked for a catering company in my high school years and i always i also thought it was weird that we all ate the food that the rich people had decided not to eat.

So strange. It was the strangest job I've ever had. Were you walking around with hors d'oeuvres and stuff, or were you in the back? I did both. I did a bit of both. A bit of both. Graham? I was only behind the scenes. One night, they were running short on staff, so I ended up manning, like, the hot food,

but not the meat food portion of. Right. And past Prime Minister Joe Clark was there, so I got to give him, like, some asparagus. Lucky. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he, he's, I might be wrong. This is, Vita said she was going to throw out a fact.

Here we go. Dave's throwing out a fact. Here it comes. Past Prime Minister Joe Clark, who's passed away? I don't know. Okay. He's Canada's only Prime Minister to not graduate from high school. Really?

Wow. Oh, that's fantastic. Don't know. Don't school. Really? Wow. Oh, that's fantastic. Don't know. Don't know. No. Don't know if he's alive. Ralph Klein. He was a premier of Alberta for quite a long time.

He never graduated from high school. That might be who I'm thinking of. Wow. Yeah. Ralph Klein was like, he was like, you know, that character from the Simpsons. That's like the Texas millionaire. That's always shooting guns in the air that was yeah yeah no i'm thinking of ralph klein because he was he's both uh dead and

didn't go to high school and he used to hold all of his meetings at like a steakhouse oh wow but like he's like the yeah prototype of like i don't know about it but what he does but uh he's the kind of guy i'd like to have a beer with. Yeah, he absolutely would have a thousand beers. Oh, man. Do you remember any of the places that you catered at being like notable or were they all just holes? No, I have one that I think about almost on a daily basis. It haunts me. I think I've told this story before on Retail Nightmares,

but it was right when that Toronto billionaire couple got murdered. Bunny and something. Oh, yeah. Something, honey. I don't murdered. Bunny and something. Oh, yeah. Something honey. I don't know. Bunny and honey. Bunny and honey. And yeah, so we catered this party.

It was a 70th year wedding anniversary. So everyone was fucking old really rich and yeah it was like that maybe like the same week that that murder happened so so everyone they knew them so everyone was talking about it and the woman who um was organizing it was this like really tall hunched woman really skinny like too skinny and like gobliny a big gob gob gob gob witchy was she witchy or gobliny um i don't know maybe witchy because it's easier to say yeah she was just like i don't know walking everywhere telling us what to do it was such a weird environment and then one of their sons or or nephews or something was like he had just such predator vibes and was like looking at all the girls weird and then one of my co-workers was like flirting back with him and i had to tell her i was like don't he's unsafe

do not talk to him anyway it was very strange and also wait wait and they had a room if you do hook up with him make him wear a dental dinner and um they had a room full of bongs like like a room full of bongs in the house as like in use or as like decoration what is a room full of bongs they were just like yeah they were they looked like they were decoration how many bongs in a room full at least four how you stay faithful in a room full of yeah have you have you ever owned a bong never i don't like weed okay so that was never on the table for you no you know what though i just bought stock and mushrooms oh yeah i would like i would like very much to hear some stock tips about mushrooms yeah well the uh they're gonna

go up in value after that people hear that you can make gravy out of them that's better than meat exactly that's why i was i've never oh boy hallucinogenic mushroom gravy that's in that's in a movie that's in like the brady bunch or something isn't it have you guys seen that is it the gritty reboot of the yeah yeah it's actually pretty funny um what what's what's the company is it a company is it a startup what is it what is this you're you're invested in and how is the stock doing listen to answer both of your questions i don't know my problem if i was on the stock market is i would be constantly i would be like monitoring it all the time i didn't like oh we're up two cents sell i should have invested in because i was excited about it the beyond burger and then i didn't i didn't put in my head like oh yeah you should invest in this company because I like it.

And it'll probably do OK. And it's done really well. So I should have done stupid. I'm stupid. Damn it. I don't know nothing about stocks. I honestly don't know either. I'm just like, this one seems cool. Do you follow it every day?

I look at it every day. I didn't put much money into it because i'm a poor person so i'm not it's a good but it's a company that makes that that sells drug mushrooms drug shrooms that like researches it oh okay yeah i think oh no i sound like an idiot but like i sound like a great idiot we're 50 minutes in oh god dave have you ever owned a stock oh yeah yeah yeah did you check it all the time were you obsessive with no it is like i uh when i was born my grandma left some money my dad invested it so it's like it's also like boring stocks that like um there was uh when i was in uh elementary school no maybe junior high uh there was a company called alberta government telephone that was

like government-run telephone company and then it ceased to be and it was bought out by telus and a bunch of the people i knew fathers worked at agt and they got all this stock for free and uh it made tons of money so all these kids all of a sudden started showing up at school with cool shirts and i was like what the fuck happened man what's a cool shirt that you know it's probably silk back in the day like a silver print shirt i when i was 12 my dad was like hey uh if there's any companies that you think would be good to invest in like let me know and we could uh get you going in the stock market and i was like uh i think i said electronic arts oh wow cute and uh and he

told his broker and the broker was like let's let it go down a bit before we buy and it never went down and i've like thrown it in his face ever since wow that rules you were 12 i was 12 and the other one was uh i don't think they ever became a publicly traded company but it was coast to coast brothers posters that sold like the all those like classic 90s posters of athletes yeah that's what i would have said i would have said tnc surf factory or mr zog's sex wax yeah chip and pepper um yeah is that the first and only stock you've ever bought beta i have three what are the other two unless you don't feel comfortable divulging your secrets i don't know i just sound like an idiot do you do it yourself or do you have like yeah you know i'm like uh go on or whatever yeah wealth simple wealth simple well simple what about crypto you into crypto no i should be shouldn't i i had the opportunity

to learn all about crypto like 10 years ago because i was looking to rent an office from a guy and he he said if you if you work here you're gonna learn a lot about bitcoin and i was like absolutely not i'm not taking this i saw a thing that was like there was a thing that went around it might be fake but it was like some online gaming tournament and first prize was 500 it was like 10 tournament. And first prize was $500. It was like 10, 15 years ago. First prize was $500. Second prize was $250. And third and fourth prize was like five Bitcoins or like 100 Bitcoins or something crazy that would be worth a million dollars. Yeah.

Yeah. Wild. Exactly. Like somebody. Oh, in Victoria, there's a club and they have a bitcoin atm in the club yeah there was one i saw had like a waves coffee a few years ago and they just had a sandwich board outside with like balloons on it that said like now bitcoin atm and it was just like the least futuristic thing what does it look like like what does a bitcoin or an atm look like an atm a bitcoin a bitcoin like what does it look like

when you hold one i don't think you actually can hold one no they've done like a coin logo but so when you get not a thing that exists when you get a bitcoin out of an atm what does that look like or what is that even do you put a usb like a thumb drive into the atm and you get i think you get normal human cash and then oh i see like you don't put in five bucks and get five bitcoins back no you put in whatever the equivalent of five bucks back like you put in don't you put in wouldn't the way what i'm picturing is you put in your debit card and they give you a qr code or like something on a usb or something oh yeah i don't know oh maybe yeah that guy was gonna rent an office from boy oh boy is he laughing at us yeah trying to absolutely but then maybe tomorrow

he's broke so i don't know that's true um but probably not we're stupid yeah probably not we're dumb uh dave what's going on with you, man, since we last talked? Well, yesterday we talked about how I had watched a few music documentaries. I watched the Biggie documentary. Yeah. Notorious B.I.G., which was, I said, I did not know anything. I was such a casual follower of the Notorious B.I.G., and yet in this documentary i learned nothing new yes that's right i knew he was a guy who sold drugs to get by because he rapped about that

and that's all they told me about in the documentary did they ever have like a photo or a video of him showing off all the kangle hats that he owned? No. Oh, okay. Because I would have been interested in seeing all those Kangol hats. None of that, no Coogee sweaters. Okay. And then I said that my wife, Abby, watched the Billie Eilish documentary

which was two and a half hours long. And Billie Eilish seems nice. She seems nice. She's never been to school. She's never even seen a school justin bieber documentary was in 10 parts it was a 10 part documentary wow that's important and my joke about it is that ken burns entire series about all of jazz is only eight parts wow embarrassing jasden bieber for jazz and then i said that i hadn't seen the britney spears documentary and you said oh you should see it i i said that yeah yeah

i can talk to both of you and so last night i was like okay okay, well, I got to talk about something tomorrow. So I watched the Britney Spears documentary. Hell yeah. Oh my gosh. And? It's called Framing Britney Spears. I don't know what the title means. She was never, was framed for a crime or, and there was no one like framing a picture of her.

Yeah. Or she didn't frame anybody for a crime. No. And she was not, it's not like who framed roger rabbit where right um where it's a delightful romp yeah she she orders a drink on the rocks and they bring it to her on some rocks yes which is all i remember from that picture but uh yeah it was it was only an hour 15 and i'd say the first hour was all stuff i already knew right you just know a lot about i do know well you know we were born on the exact same day you and oh my god you're a sag i'm a sagittarius i love how fast you knew what that was well she mentions it britney's yeah famously a sad

um she was born december 2nd 1981 and i was born december 1st 1980 so the exact same day it's the exact same day and 366 days apart that's right but uh we uh we share a lot in common but i knew like yeah you you went through the phase where you had snakes you were just carrying around a snake i remember that oh get it get it get it get it get it get it get it there's lots of pics from from that era of you wearing a vinyl suit i wear yes i wear a vinyl suit i um'm always like, it's Dave, bitch. Yeah, it's Dave, bitch. He says that a lot. Yeah.

I'm Dave. Don't be a bitch about it. Stop being such a bitch. Oh, God. But yeah, so it's all like the first hour is like, here's her career. And I was like, yeah, I know. Yeah, I was there. I was there.

She's one of the most famous people in the world what do you think about justin timberlake i i've heard a lot of people who are like he was so calculating and like uh no well i think he's just dumb he's just dumb i agree with that well i think he bad-mouthed her a lot for years and she didn't say anything about him that's true that's right and then he apologized this year that's true after people like told him he's a piece of shit and he also released an album called like man of the woods that was supposed to be him like as an outside loner and i hated it so much absolutely right because he also hung janet jackson out to dry and that was much yes he did he did and he only apologized this year he he's yeah he's garbage um i don't forgive him i also like i think we all

got caught up in a frenzy when he released his own album. I think there was like a mass amnesia or something. It was very good, though. It was, but go back and listen to it now. And be like. Something about the way you look. I will also say that. So when that came out, there was the MTV Video Awards and Britney and Christina and Madonna all did a show. Oh, the famous kiss.

And then Britney, here's like, okay, so what happened was Britney and Madonna kissed on stage and then Britney, no, and then Madonna and Christina kissed on stage. Nobody saw the second kiss. That's right because during the second kiss they went to justin to get his reaction to the first kiss and what was the reaction could they see his he was like this he was like eyebrow he was diamond hard yeah yeah but it was like they the media like made a point of like what does justin think about this yes that's right. As opposed to like, is Christina getting any pleasure?

Yeah. I do remember that happening. And even when it was happening, I was like, well, Christina is always going to be second city to Britney's New York. The windy Christina. Even though Christina has the better voice. She has the better voice, but as I said in yesterday's episode, people don't want the better voice. They want

funner songs. And then I said that I don't think a voice is incredible just because it honks at some point. Right. That was hilarious. Thank you, Bina. thank you very much so we do have to retread that and of course that's important but but did you learn a single thing from the documentary yeah the like last 15 minutes which was all about the conservatorship and stuff and

like it's as a parent myself the idea idea that Kevin Federline could be raising my kids sends chills down my spine. Like, she doesn't have custody. Yeah, I think he actually might be a good dad. Well, I could be a good dad, too, if Britney Spears was paying for everything. But as it stands. But as it stands but as it stands um so yeah i watched britney i uh i love britney i've always loved britney yeah uh free britney yeah dot dot dot hashtag hashtag yeah then you put the hashtag at the end what's going on with you graham and i had to dip into uh more of what went on during the week and you know what not a lot happened

i had a dream where i was hosting a podcast not with you but with bruce willis and uh he had grown out his hair in the back, so he had this crazy long hair. And he kept interrupting everybody. So it was out of some kind of festival, and nobody showed up. It was live? It was live. It was live in front of a crowd? Yeah. That seems real.

I'm sure he's a nightmare to host a podcast. No way. Yeah, he's a nightmare. He a podcast no way yeah he's a nightmare the boys are back in town is that a song he sings no but he could he's in a band right he was wait wait wait did he sing anything yeah bruce willis or did he just play harmonica no he's saying the um east street E Street Band? Yeah, Bruce Willis and the E Street Band. When they weren't working with Bruce Springsteen. His album was According to Bruno or something?

The Return of Bruno? I have it. I have it on vinyl. Oh, is it good? I'm sorry. Are you a fan? I'm so sorry. I think in general, I like the idea of Bruce Willis, but more his character in Die Hard.

You know what? He was on Friends, and he's quite funny. Yeah, he's funny, but apparently he's a nightmare to work with. What? Oh, I believe it. You know what? Fame gives you brain damage. Yeah, because I think if you talk to somebody who's really famous, I bet you they sound

like a lunatic. Oh, yeah. Because they're like, people are hiding in the bushes, and they are for them, but not for me. Dave, what are you looking up? I'm looking up the return of Bruno. Does it have anything to do with Bruno Mars? It's probably what he's named after. You think Bruno Mars is named after the Bruce Willis album?

I can hear the references in his music. For example. I wish if I knew anything about Bruce Willis, I could make this joke. For example, he talks about a Friends episode. There you go. Is that mostly what you know? That's his full canon to you? Yeah, unfortunately.

Have you ever seen Die Hard? No. Huh. It's not a must-see, but it's fun. Anyway, Dave, go on. Yes, Dave. I'm sorry. Am I interrupting you? No, we're not up

to anything over here. We've just established that Bita doesn't really know who Bruce Willis is. I know his daughter, Rumor. Oh, yeah. What does she do? She's just like rich. She was in the house, honey. She's just rich.

Fuck. That'd be nice, eh? Yeah. I'm trying to find if his album sold millions of copies. I think it did really well. Yeah. I think he was like like it went to number 14 on the chart he wrote the boys are back in town he wrote the boys are back in town wrote and sang

um i graham you had a dream about bruce willis i was remembering because a famous thing i do on this show is i have boring dreams. Yes, yes. Now, in past, Graham, refresh our memory. What was my most boring dream? That your travel agent was retiring, and I would also accept that you and some friends fixed a garage door. These are what my dreams are about. They're about boring things.

Do you have dreams, Bita, that you remember? I mean, I dream dream i yearn um but like your dreams are weird i have like i remember this one really weird boring dream where i was uh shopping for um for curtains that was it that's it that's a very boring dream but when you woke up were you like hmm i should get some curtains or were you like i've literally never bought curtains in my life i mean either this is this is good overlapping territory i've only inherited them um nice um the uh so this boring dream i had this was a dream where i i like i woke up i didn't realize it was a boring dream at the time because i woke up and i was like in my dream i made some food

and it was the most delicious like uh out of this world recipe and for like all day long i was thinking oh god why can't i remember like i i don't know what did i make it was so good and then eventually later on in the day i was trying to piece together okay i know the recipe that i made had four ingredients okay and i okay well I know two of them. Two of them are bread and pickles. Oh! This is a... You've got a hot lead here. Like, you made a sandwich. It occurred to me it was a sandwich,

and I was like, all right, well, it could be probably a meat and a cheese. Okay, wait. Guys, actually, I do have really crazy dreams sometimes when I'm really stressed out. Yeah.

I have, like like really vivid murder dreams where i murder people where you murder people and then i try to cover it up and i believe it so much when when i wake up the first thoughts i have are like oh my god i have to go turn myself in i guess my life is over and then i have the realization that it's a dream and then i feel so relieved yeah yeah that's true anyway do you guys have murder dreams no i have i still have like homework dreams oh i have i like didn't do my homework and then i wake up and i'm very relieved i'm grown up okay i have this other crazy stress dream where I am late for a French exam. Yes.

I've done something like that. I have this. I have like great comedic timing. In the dreams or in real life? No, in real life. I remember in French class when I would try to like say things in french i would you know say them kind of in a funny way and people would laugh but i was like trying to really you were trying to be serious yeah i don't know if that's comedic timing so much as to be sucking yeah i remember being like Like, like, je sais que.

Oh, God. I think it's Wallace now. This is a living nightmare. Yeah. I don't remember anything. But I just remember really wanting to learn and everyone laughing whenever I said something. Oh, God. And now it haunts me. And I am a lot older than high school age and it still haunts me.

Yeah, you're almost as old as Homer Simpson. No, I remember yesterday when... We talked about how young you were. Remember I said like the first time I came on, I was 19. And it's funny because I'm actually turning 19 in June. Yeah, that was good. That was good. You guys, listeners, listen.

You had very good comedic timing yesterday. Listeners, you're really missing out. This episode sucks. And yesterday's episode was so good. Don't tell them. Yeah, just try to pronounce this podcast and nobody will know that it sucks. Graham, what else?

What else? In the Bruce Willis stream? Well, or anything. Oh, what else what else uh in the bruce willis dream well or anything oh uh what else is the other thing was uh i walked by before beta uh tells everyone how much we suck i'm so sorry no no i'm so sorry it is an honor to be here twice again i said that yesterday too the other thing that happened is there was on a phone poll that would usually have events on it but there hasn't been a ton

of events there was a phone number you could call to hear a poem so this was a poster that said like a poem so it was like call this number and there would just be... You know the number? Can we do it on the show? Wait, is this a dream?

No, this is for real. Because I called them and let's see if I can find... Because it was like... It was out of town, you know? Can you explain this again? Okay okay so there was a

poster that said if you want to hear a poem dial this number where did you see this poster like on the street uh just on the poster and poll in vancouver yeah yeah yeah oh my gosh okay and i don't know what number it was but anyways okay. Okay, well. I called it and it was like an appliance store in Texas and I was like, well, that's not right. So then I dialed it again. It was the appliance store in Texas. Wow, you've been punked.

Yeah, I was punked. I was, man, oh man, the footage they got must be hysterical of me going, well. Did the people at the appliance store ask you who your crush was? Yes. And I said, Bruce Willis with his hair growing back a little bit. Well, that's really sweet that you called it.

But well, wouldn't you if you saw like free poetry? Yeah, definitely. And you know what? I think all poetry should be free. There you go. I said it should be subsidized and it should be free to us all. That's brave. Have either of you guys ever wrote a poem oh i used to write poems in my like early 20s i did it in my high school years i wrote poems and yeah in my high school years i actually

so i like i i lost a bag in my early 20s that was full of my really embarrassing poetry. Oh, shit. That's my nightmare. Is somebody finding all the like journals and stuff that I wrote. Oh, God. Just the thought of it. Yeah, it was really, it was really, it haunted me for years. And then someone found it and returned it to me like two years ago. No way.

Yeah. Isn't that strange? But they, they obviously they they obviously immediately throw it away no no but they obviously read it i mean i would read it yeah i think if i i think if i like found an old journal i would be like oh yeah what i because like i used to hold on to these things uh then after a few moves i was like like, well, I'm never going to read this. But I would hold on to them with the idea that maybe I was a genius. Yeah.

And then I'm sure if I read one page, I'd be like, burn this. Oh, yeah. But the other side of it, if you're involved in a murder or something, then they're going to look and in oh yeah this was this was telltale this uh drawing of a sad horse uh what was your poetry about was it just feeling moody just being a teen oh me oh i will not divulge okay that's fine but if i find a bag of your stuff on the street it was so humiliatingating. If anyone ever read it, I would immediately jump off a bridge. What rhymes with Jughead?

But Dave, you were in a band, I remember, right? Yeah. Graham and I wrote songs on another podcast. Oh, right. Which is. I never listened. Yeah, it's fine. And you weren't a patreon either so yeah

was it was it good was it fun to do well the whole point was that we were embarrassing ourselves i think yeah and it was fun yeah that's that's a good exercise yeah find what you're uncomfortable about every day oh god listen living is uncomfortable baby am i right every day i do you know what i was thinking about it and like literally everything i've ever done i've sucked at i feel the same way i feel like but you're not the that stand-up you did was fantastic so that's was it really because i thought you were so funny you were so confident you were so confident dave but you were you were so funny so that's one thing you can scratch off of the everything you've done no no no i don't know about that come on give yourself a break

beat it jesus no no i mean i mean um okay. Yeah, I mean, everything that everybody has ever done is embarrassing. But sometimes people are like, oh, maybe that person's onto something. And then it's Justin Timberlake. You know what I mean? Like, a lot of people just. Yeah, then it's Justin Timberlake. Or Justin Bieber. Got this feeling, you know.

Something about the way you look. And then I'm outside of 7-Eleven. That's a good song what do you think justin timberlake will be doing in his elder stage will he be in vegas will he be recluse you think he'll be acting yeah fair enough he's not a good actor put a movie out this recently did yeah no one wants that nobody wants it nobody wants it people are uh saying he apologized so that um people will still go watch his movie which i believe oh okay i'll watch it i believe that too yeah but here's a here's an idea for a movie let me pitch this movie to you guys okay okay justin timberlake stars as the character that he played

in the social network and it just whatever happened to the guy who was MySpace guy. And it just follows him. It follows his journey. Follows MySpace guy? Wait, he's MySpace guy? Wasn't he MySpace guy? No. What was he?

Okay, I know what happened to MySpace guy. Tom? Yeah, Tom. He's like a shitty photographer now. His picture was always kind of out of focus yeah sure uh no uh he was a napster guy napster that's right oh napster but my pitch is that we follow the myspace guy and also justin timberlake is there so that's and if we can't get justin timberlake i'll settle for lance bass yes oh i love lance bass i think they should remake all the justin tibberlake

movies with the surviving members of in sync none of them are dead oh my gosh okay wait wait okay they they performed at um coachella with ariana grande and then when they were about to go off stage one of them was like thank you can't wait to be here again and it was just like really sad because they'll never be at coachella again that was the last wow right yeah it might be i mean or what anyone can buy a ticket you know uh curiosities like a sideshow kind of check this out i mean listen i love in sync speaking of ariana grande today i uh had poke for lunch oh delish and i was singing i've been drinking coffee i've been eating poke nice yes that's a good song she's a hit machine great do you know that song

i've heard it do you know what it's about no is it about sex yeah she's really i you know what she's funny you know the title is 34 35 do you know what happens if you add those numbers together shit yeah and the end she goes um she says it she just straights like her means i want a 69 with you oh Oh, did she say? I've never made it to the end. I always... I like her. Oh, Lord. Should we move on to some overheards?

Wait, did we? Yeah, yeah, sure. We went around the horn. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we're the hosts of One Bad Mother, a podcast about parenting. Parenting is hard, and we have no advice.

But we do see you doing it. Honk if you like to do it. What was this? Didn't we have a bumper sticker a while back that was like, honk if you did it? That's what it was. I think it was honk if you're doing it. Why did we not ever make those? We did make them.

I think they're still in the MaxFun store. Honk, honk. You're doing it. Thanks, Biz. So are you. Each week, we'll be here to remind you that you're doing a good job. You can find us on MaximumFun.org.

Honk, honk. Toot, toot toot! Overheard! Have you ever had a good time in your life? Yes, I have. What's the most, what's your, like, where are you the happiest?

Karaoke, honestly. Oh yeah, karaoke! And your go-to song is Where are you the happiest? Karaoke, honestly. Oh, yeah. Karaoke. Yeah. And your go-to song is, I forget. If I could stay, I would only be in your way. Oh, my gosh. Will you include this? What's the gesture?

Go. Go. But I don't know. I think it is in the way. Oh my gosh, I'm crying. I will always love you. Beautiful. I will always love you. You, my darling.

You, my darling You, bittersweet This is where the song really kicks in. Memories That is all I'm taking with me So goodbye Please don't cry we both know i'm not what you beautiful beautiful wait Chris Willis is in that movie

no he's not no it's Kevin Costner we'll always love you we'll always love you if this isn't in it I'm gonna kill myself well then this is't in it, I'm going to kill myself. Well, this is going in it. That's all the episode is going to be is us singing and then you saying that.

What's the third verse? I hope life treats you kind And I hope you have all you need And I wish you joy And happiness. All of this. I wish you love. Stop. Boom.

And die. That's the hardest one. Because you've got to sing it with power oh yeah absolutely i don't have it i can i can i can i can whisper a tune but she's a little in the tank you know like she doesn't go out too high she's she knows that's not a high note that's just a hard note it's just like she doesn't honk it either like no she doesn't honk she's not she was lovely

yeah Christina goes honk all the time she doesn't over sing it um are you guys ready with overheards and such yeah but above all this

how is you yeah yeah I'm ready um alright overheards a segment where you hear things and you tell things.

And we always like to start with the guest, Bita. Okay. You have it over. Yes, I do. Is it a new one or is it yesterday's? No, I'm pissed off. Let me tell you why. Here we go.

What a patented Bita rants. Here we go. Yesterday, this fucking killed, okay? Yeah. And it's the first time i've ever had an overheard in my goddamn life and it's gone it's not to be found okay that's a moment that's gone forever so i'm gonna say it again and you guys aren't gonna laugh we'll see okay should i say the bad the boring backstory yeah i will yeah i'm gonna take my headphones off there was is this like an act of defiance yeah okay i um so one of okay actually that same best friend who sent me that cruel um joke yes um we still keep in touch uh remarkably i don't know she i don't know she's a cool girl she's a good time anyway she still lives in north

van and i saw this there's this printing company called Contact Printing that is in the neighborhood we grew up in on like 3rd and Forbes. And she took a picture of their, oh my gosh, what's the word again? Marquee. Marquee. Of their marquee. And it says this. My wife and I decided we don't want kids. We will tell them tonight.

Nice. Nice. Okay, you guys know. No, you guys laughed so much yesterday. I knew it was on a marquee, but that's all I knew. I'm going to throw myself off a bridge. Yeah, well, you know what? You're going to have to find one first, and that's going to take some time.

Yeah, where's the closest bridge? I don't know. I've literally never seen a bridge in Toronto. Well, Billie Eilish has never seen a school um i uh love it okay there's also another funny one please i went to their instagram like i told you guys yesterday yesterday so this printed this printing shop in North Vancouver has an Instagram, and their Instagram is just pictures of their sign. And, okay, so when this pandemic first happened, so remember they're called contact printing. Right.

Their marquee, is that what it's called? Their marquee said we're now known as no contact printing. These guys know what they're doing so they're hilarious yeah they're hilarious um it's uh we said a marquee it's just a sign that you can move the letters around on i think that's the technical term sign does a marquee have to be above uh like a theater with like yeah and does a marquey mark have to be with a funky bunch feel it feel it yes he does um dave do you have an overheard yeah i'm gonna do a different one i'm gonna do a different one too yeah jesus christ um so a few weeks ago i was talking about

this show on netflix called operation ouch that my kids like to watch it's about it's about medicine it's about the human body and how your body works and uh the other morning poppy who's four was awake before margo and she was downstairs and normally we don't watch tv in the morning but right now it's spring break and i'm like anything goes kids yeah and uh so she was watching tv by herself and she wanted to watch operation ouch and she watched it for a few minutes and then i i walked past and uh these two doctors the hosts of the show uh had like a little like plastic bin with a piece of poo and they were explaining something about poo and i said to poppy want to watch something else and she said yeah since i'm looking at poo that's a very self-aware baby well she's four oh are they not babies anymore four no she they can vote

oh yeah that's weird that that law passed but when do you stop calling someone a baby too when they don't cry when something happens well then then i'm still a baby yeah and we are all still babies in our own ways sometimes in private sometimes in public i cried watching real house wives today what happened which one like of atlanta so there's this woman who like this is such a boring story let's just end it just gram i'll move ahead and then yeah i'll loop back around and i want to hear this story. My overheard came from the beer store that I stopped by on my way home. Every day.

Every day. They know exactly what I want. They slide a six pack across the floor and I pick it up. Do you get the same thing every time you go to a beer store? Yeah, there's this beer. Yeah, I get beer. And it's usually whatever's the cheapest. Yeah, there's this beer. Yeah, I get beer.

And it's usually whatever's the cheapest. If I can buy something in a box so it's not like another piece of plastic I'm buying, then I will buy a box of beer. You know what? Whatever's cheapest, that's what I'm going to get. Good for you. Thank you. Because my overheard yesterday was somebody saying,

that's because you made a bad collage on the phone. Right. And tonight I heard them talking. I think it was about the music that was currently playing and they were stocking the shelves. And one of the guys said, it's hard to imagine something worse than Christian rap. Oh, yeah.

I agree. Yeah. Is, what's his name? Christian rap. Kanye. Oh, well,

yeah, actually. Yeah, he is. Technically he's, he's chance the rapper oh yeah it's true is he christian rap yeah yes he's always rapping about jesus a little too much huh yeah it's um couldn't name a lyric right now it what chance chance he has that new that song with justin bieber now that's like oh holy holy holy holy holy holy holy might be christian yeah but isn't there what's his great lyric chances

everybody's somebody's everything that's a pretty good lyric i don't know if that's from a bumper sticker or whatever but chance you nailed you nailed it. Which Chance? Oh, the rapper. Chance the Chartered Accountant. Now, we also have overheards sent in from people all over the map. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at MaximumFun.org This first one

comes from Scott from Auckland Auckland New Zealand my boyfriend and I were sitting outside for lunch on a busy street coming down the street were two ladies in yoga gear and as they walked past we could hear one of them say very loudly to her friend I'm really

sensitive and I pick up on things very quickly so I can always tell when I'm being annoying to someone wow I can too can you like this whole podcast um i have that i think um from being like a little sister i can tell when i'm being annoying how many siblings do you have i have have one. And you're the youngest?

Yeah. How much younger? Five years. Ooh. When did you realize you were annoying? Like, when he'd be like... I thought you were going to say, how did you know each other?

Similar parents. We grew up in the same neighborhood. Had a print shop. This next overheard comes from Simonon w also about rapping wow he's leaving work and was walking behind two teens the first said something about an event where you could submit your raps he said did you hear about the event where you can submit your raps he kind of he kind of gave away the punchline yeah yeah yeah would you yeah. Yeah, give him a go there. Would you submit them, would you think, like, text? Or do you have to wrap them yourself?

It's the reverse of that poetry line. You call in two leaves as a wrap. Oh, would you guys ever do a roast battle? Like against a real person? Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, oh you have to roast each other yeah oh yeah i did one against this guy uh rabbit in boy what mile was he i was on eight mile and he uh boy he knew that i went to a private school and i did not put my hands in the air when he told people from this area

to put their hands in the air because I'm not from that area. That's a good movie. Mom's Spaghetti. Mom's Spaghetti. I wonder if it's a good movie. I should watch it again. I saw it and I know all the raps.

Kim Basinger was good in it, I think. Yes, and Brittany Murphy. Brittany Murphy. You know what? You know what? Mekhi Pfeiffer, I believe, was in it. I'll say it. Eminem was good in it.

Eminem was good in it. Yeah. But I don't know if it's technically a good thing. He got an EGOT for it, bro. He got an EGOT? Yeah, man. Oh, wait, wait, wait. They did give him the Tony for the Broadway version of 8 Mile.

No, but he does have an Oscar. He does have an Oscar. He's got an Oscar. He's got an Emmy. Probably got a Grammy. Does he have an Emmy? Yeah, didn't he appear on, like, Law & Order or something? I would see him having a Grammy.

But on the other hand you think he gives a fuck about a Grammy? No he don't. A few critics couldn't even stomach me let alone stan me. Wow Christina Aguilera better switch me cheers To answer my question No I would never

do a roast battle To answer your own question that you asked us Yeah Where you were like I would never do a roast battle. To answer your own question that you asked us? Yeah. Where you were like, come around the horn and Beetle will answer it last. Why would you not do it? You don't want to badmouth someone or are you afraid that it's very obvious what someone would badmouth about you? I would cry immediately. Yeah.

What do you think people would focus on? Be like, you are dumb and poor and really going for the jugular you only own three stocks you only own three stocks and i know all your crushes yeah you reused yesterday's overheard oh this, how dare you. This last one comes from Rex from Kentucky. Mostly I picked it because it's Rex from Kentucky. Yeah, you got it. That's pretty cool. I was driving for work on the highway, and I saw a car with the bumper sticker.

I brake for birds, turtles, frogs, twigs, and big leaves. Twigs. Wow. Big leaves. It's hard to get more wholesome than that that's cute but not for people no but if it were animals, babies

animals, bears in my defense that was a pretty big leaf now that's a vegetarian now that's a vegetarian i can get behind um in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one ugh spy pod one like these people have. Hi, Dave Graham guests. This is Saul from Toronto calling in with an overheard from way back in last April of the pandemic.

My girlfriend and I were walking home from getting coffee. About half a block behind some parents with a group of young girls pushing dolls in some little toy strollers. of young girls pushing dolls in some little toy strollers when one of the girls yells, no more Happy Meals, no more chicken nuggets. I'm an adult. I get Filet-O-Fish. Oh. Well, off I go.

Yeah, I did always feel like Filet-O-Fish was the adult choice. It was marketed as that. I mean, it's absolutely no kid would get it. No, I remember it was marketed as like something kids hate. Also, I know Saul. Do you? Yeah, I see him at our meetings. Your pro Toronto meetings?

I'm sorry. At your Filet-O-Fish meeting? I'm disintegrating as we speak. I think I... We all are. I would never get a filet-o-fish but i would i should okay you're an adult now do you remember though there there was there were those um commercials where kids would try them and they'd be like ew do you remember like it's

for adults it's just a it's like a fish stick with cheese on it yeah kids would love it the cheese is a weird thing but also doesn't have like a weird sauce like a white sauce tartar as they say never had one never will well you're allergic yeah you're allergic to fish wow i know it's a whole world that's close to me. You can have no poke. You can't have any poke. Wow. What about shellfish? Yeah. Allergic to that as well.

Wow. Yeah. I'm so sorry. No shrimp, no lobster. Oysters are to die for. Seaweed. Seaweed. I can eat seaweed, oddly enough.

Wow. Can you smoke seaweed? Yeah, I can smoke seaweed. And let me tell you. Like deathly? Deathly allergic. Yeah. Like not on the menu ever for the rest of my life. smoke seaweed yeah i can smoke seaweed and let me tell you definitely definitely allergic yeah like

not on the menu ever for the rest of life like the way that you're afraid that a chicken you ate six years ago might still kill you okay okay i was worried about a drop of yeah good counterpoint grams is actually real mine is mental illness. Okay. Got it. And here's your next phone call. Here we go. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Noelle from Iowa with an overseen. I was driving through a small town and I saw a building with a sign on it and it said the elite company.

And then it said the two different things that they did so one was dance and the other was concrete thanks guys bye nice that's uh that's you diversify in the economy if the dance market goes down you got the concrete in this economy i love that dance and concrete. Listen, if that's not poetry, I don't know what is. That's a good title for a poem. Dance. Yeah. To be fair, I don't know what is poetry.

You know what? Me neither. Namaste. Yeah. Oh, well done. A little. I'm sorry. I think it's time for me to go.

Okay. It's been great having you. In college, I took a creative writing class, and it was divided into three kinds of creative writing. It was short stories, drama, and poetry. And I did not attend very much because it was 8.30 in the morning. Oh, God. Best time to write. I never missed a class in high school or elementary school.

I had perfect attendance, but in college, I don't know why. I thought suddenly 8.30 became impossible. It was because of all the Jäger bombs you were doing. I wasn't, though. I don't think I didn't drink until I was a grown-up, until I was legally allowed to. You played beer pong. I wasn't though. I don't think I didn't drink until I was a grown up, until I was legally allowed to. You played beer pong, you played beer golf,

you played beer racquetball. Here's your final overheard. Hi Dave, Graham, and special guest. This is Eden from Vancouver just calling in an overheard. I work as a high school art teacher and the other day

I was waiting to let my students out when I was waiting for someone to finish cleaning. And everybody was kind of mad because one little area hadn't been cleaned yet. And so everybody had to wait. And so one student was like, I hate high school.

Everyone's either smoking hard or working hard. Okay, actually, I hate my life. Okay, she said, I hate high school. Everyone's either working hard or smoking hard so it was the other way around okay that's true

that is true that's a simple fact high school was a horror show yeah and I was always either smoking hard or working hard

yeah high school was a hell hole if anybody out there is listening that's in high school it a hellhole if anybody out there is listening that's in high school uh it sucks man yeah it sucks we know it sucks i was gonna say it gets better but it sucks yeah high school doesn't get better no no that's right it's always you know what after high school is not much better either not that much better but you'll find after you graduate high school in five years

you'll either be in the fbi in the army a struggling writer or selling diamonds yes i hope i sell diamonds i've been selling diamonds um well that brings us to the end of this podcast beta we cannot say enough thank you so much for being a guest yesterday. And then again today. You were fantastic. We wouldn't have wanted to do it with anybody else. Thank you. Thank you. I am full of resentment and anger.

As you should be. You really feel yesterday's was the better episode. Darling, I was on fire. I would like it if you say if you start your sentences more with darling yeah I think it's a real power move yeah very Zsa Zsa Gabor oh god

um people can find the Bita Judaki show on YouTube as I said yesterday um up your ass up your ass that's the beat a judaki show on YouTube as I said yesterday up your ass up your ass that's right you can find it up my ass everybody's invited up

my ass to check it out it's at patreon.com slash the beat a judaki show yeah yes thank you for that and you can also follow me on Twitter. Follow beta on Twitter. She's hilarious on

Twitter. And I'll try and get her as many retweets as I can. Thank you. Once every 11 years. Once every 11 years. You know what?

Maybe twice this next 11 years. You know what? Okay. Sure. I think I retweet you from time to time. Dave is a constant retweeter.

I'm a beta stan. Yeah, you're a beta stan. Dave is a beta stan. Everybody knows it. I'm late to the party. Everyone knows I'm late to the party. But I'm trying to spend the word now, you know?

Thank you. No, thank you. And thank you, Dave, for helping to re-record this whole thing. And I look forward to five minutes from now when I get a panicky text from you. Jesus Christ. If that

happens again, I'll record tomorrow. What if we just kept doing this in perpetuity? You guys just want to be my best friend. Yeah, well, isn't it obvious? Why wouldn't we? I mean, honestly, you guys are. At this mean honestly you guys are at this point you guys are

i don't want to hear you guys which one of us is your best friend um probably you dave no it's probably you i'm not a nice person you were early to stand her though yeah standing her for a long time can i choose i don't know be a friend with Stan? I'm fine if you say it's not me. I'll live with it. Yeah, I'm fine if you don't choose. You know what? I'm going to go with myself. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's the best friend you can have. I'm going to Stan myself. If you guys can look away, I'm going to Stan myself. Why are you so mad? That's another Eminem song. That's the guess. She brings it back. Yeah.

Why are Gen Z's trying to cancel Eminem when he gave him the word Stan no one is canceling Eminem if anything they are

celebrating him yeah they should be he wore baggy pants they're wearing baggy pants his daughter is like 20 years old now that's great

excuse me while I go I don't know climb a hill yeah climb a hill and die on it. Well, thank you again for being our guest. Such a treat.

Thank you, listeners, for listening to the show. Please take care of yourself out there, take care of one another, and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture.

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