Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 696 - Chris Locke

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

Comedian Chris Locke returns to talk Betty Boop, gum, and Paranormal Activity.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 696 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who pointed out that this week's episode, pretty damn sexy number, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, we've been like, the whole time, these last six episodes, we've been like leaving a lot of money on the table. They all start with 69. Oh yeah, that's true yeah oh man i think 690 we talked about or 691 is like a person lying down next to two people 69 yeah uh 696 is two people 69 and then someone like with their back to them trying to suck their own dick you'll cut that out of the show

no that's bad no cut it out our guest this week a return guest to the podcast a favorite of ours and you can hear him on his brand new podcast called Evil Men it's Chris Locke chris lock this is what i expect

i have arrived hello hello hi chris is recording this uh himself on a microphone but we're hearing just his laptop microphone and that was uh otherworldly yeah yeah it was insane insane way to start um a nice treat for you guys yeah uh should we uh get to know us yeah get to know us nice to see you guys nice to see you yeah you too see you chris even if it's in this format it's all it's all good yeah thanks for uh for digging out the time to uh be on the show are you kidding it's my pleasure anytime thanks for digging out the time from a huge heap of dirt uh just to get me in there like a shallow grave throw me in yeah do you think that you would prefer a shallow grave or a very very deep grave dead or alive oh yeah dead yeah oh right okay i Oh, yeah, dead. Yeah. Oh, right. Okay. I was going to say, if I'm treading water, I want it deep. Yeah.

Yeah, I would say, still, if I'm dead, make it deep. You know what I mean? Yeah, because shallow, like, coyotes are going to eat parts of you. Exactly. Then you have to be part coyote for the afterlife. Is that how it works? Something like that? Yeah, 100%.

Which could be cool, but i personally want every little morsel of my dead body to become one with nature oh i guess it would it still would if yeah the coyotes sure coyotes are nature yeah what's your favorite scavenger chris uh i would have to say Hunt. Like Helen Hunt? Yeah, she's a scavenger. You should have seen her robbing me when I passed out on the set of It Only Gets Better After This. Oh, yeah. I love that show.

She got an Oscar for that. Yeah, that was Thursday Must See TV. What was it called again? It was called Nothing Is As Good as It's Gonna Get. There's nothing good yet. Did you see, did you see, because I don't think anyone can, can you name, so like I can name three Helen Hunt roles.

Okay. She was the, she was on the show with Paul Reiser, Mad About You. She was in As Good As It Gets. And the reiser mad about you she was in as good as it gets and the third one do you know the third one i'm gonna name cram is it the one about where she's a sex therapist yeah yeah i don't remember what that's called no me neither lung tube uh can you name another role she had uh no i think that's it i think she was a sex therapist yeah and to a guy that was in an iron lung played by dj oh was it did he he was in an iron lung but needed to talk to a sex therapist no like uh touching wasn't it like a physical sex yeah yeah she she was like oh she had to get

care of him yeah which uh noble noble profession i know what that movie was called what was called it was called uh rubber helen hunt is rubber oh she was in twister oh yeah good and she was inber Oh she was in Twister Oh yeah Twister's Good Everybody's in that And she was in Cast Away

Oh at the very beginning Right And the very end That's right Yeah But I could not tell you What As Good As It Gets Is about

I know that I saw it In the movie theater I know that Jack Nicholson Is Afraid of Stepping on a crack yeah and he

writes novels cuba gooding jr says show me the money yeah greg kinnear has a tiny little dog uh yeah it was uh was it a james l brooks joint i don't know i think so um but yeah it was classic twister did you see it in the theater chris twister uh no i don't actually. I think so. But yeah, it was classic. Twister, did you see it in the theater, Chris? Twister? No, I don't actually. I think it might have been a VHS experience. Maybe DVD. Cool DVD.

Yeah, I get to see those extra features, how they made the cow fly and such. Yeah. They put a sticker on a plastic uh see-through panel it was just a cow because that's why if you look closely at twister part of the cow's head is peeling off of what the sky this is these are uh behind the scenes this is what people look for yeah it's just a still cow with a folded overhead. If you look really closely, you can see some tape holding it on.

Yeah, and like, you know, some, I don't know, some like rubbed out pieces of paper from where other stickers used to be. It was actually the bottom of Helen Hunt's skateboard. Yeah. from where other stickers used to be it was actually the bottom of helen hunt's skateboard yeah helen hunt is here's a little factoid for everybody listening right here comes there was another actor who was popular around the same time and she was like a 20 year younger maybe even 30 year younger spitting image of her lily sobieski oh yeah don't you think they looked this similar i always thought that they do they look like they freaky friday'd no wait yeah freaky fridaying doesn't change your physical appearance it doesn't change your physio monogamy i always got uh lily sobieski mixed up with estella warren who was a model but also was in the planet

of the apes movie with marky walberg so i'm at my parents house i told you this off off camera which is in etobicoke ontario um and the little i think it's just a little bit over for me i think it i don't know if it's Etobicoke or Mississauga Which is the next little Suburb west of Toronto Estella Warren was from there And I knew people that knew her Cool

Or maybe at least went to school with her Nice, nice So what do you guys need? You know See what her grad photo What she wanted to do What she wanted yeah what did she write in her quote yeah she said you watch i'm gonna be in a pretty bad planet of the apes she knew it was pretty bad that was i know but it's still better than most of her friends that's

why she put you watch yeah you watch assholes you said i never get in a planet of the apes movie or if you did you thought i'd be an ape i also like uh didn't think it was that bad like oh yeah i don't think any of them are any good but the but isn't that the point well the first the new ones are fantastic yeah but are they yeah but did you like graham did you like the prison break one even the third one yeah i liked them all i did maybe the third one was the weakest of the three but uh but yeah i thought they were great but aren't they just a bunch of talking monkeys there's some talking monkeys well no talking monkeys they're all apes there's no talking

monkeys in it they're actually like brooding a lot yeah i thought it was i thought those ones were like you know i like the um the the effects and all that but i thought it was really serious very serious it's very serious and apes have machine guns in it but the fact that it's so serious and they're apes doesn't that make it pretty silly yeah you haven't seen them you don't know i saw i saw the first two oh okay well i saw james franco and i saw whatever the one where they're you know going over the golden gate bridge why is the golden gate bridge that's the james franco one yeah like why does it always get the it's like always uh under attack by x-men or terrorists or spider-man villains monsters love it well why

do monsters love it so much iconic i think it's just like there's the the air up there is so nice so they're like let's go shoot in san francisco it's a nice place to be no i mean even the monsters like getting out of the city and just hanging out on the bridge. Yeah, they're not, like, knocking down Coit Tower or, you know, Fisherman's Wharf. Yeah, or the Painted Ladies or whatever. They're not shaking a cable car. Yeah, what the hell? They never go to Chinatown and, like... They never get a Mission-style burrito.

Yeah, they don't start a cool garage punk band. What's your favorite garage punk band from san francisco well the oc started there tie seagulls started there they're good guys green day did green day start there if you have a time to take away some time to listen to me get up that's as good as it did you ever want to be in a punk band i was in a punk band in grade 12 and what were what what kind of punk did you play um we did no effects covers uh and uh maybe that's it i don't know we were pretty bad you know like those socal skate punk bands like the drum beat would always be like yeah you know what i mean yeah but then our drummer was he was into led zeppelin and the rest of us were into this punk. So the drummer was not as schooled. So he'd start going like,

but it would transform into a polka beat. Like, and we go, no, we're trying to do a cover of no effects. I feel so bad. Actually. I do every now and then feel guilt that I was mean to him.

Like I wasn't as patient with him as I could have been, but we were just dumb teens. Yeah. Were you, what were you? Guitar? Bass? Yeah,

I played guitar, but it was ridiculous. I mean, come on. Like it was ridiculous. I played power chords and that's all I can still do to this day, you know? But like you could play them.

So that was something. Yeah. Hey, um, can, what were you guys in a band? Yeah, I was,

I was in a band that slowly it was revealed to me over time was a YouTube cover band because we slowly one song at a time. We were learning all these YouTube songs. You play drums. I played drums in that. I was like, huh, we're doing a lot of you two songs

and then it just i was like basically where you two is that and did you leave after that yeah uh well first we became the biggest band in the world yeah and then i yeah i retired we were called cold play and dave was in a band too i was in a couple of bands um i was in a band that sound was basically a weezer cover band but uh like in our sets we would have like 10 originals and then 10 weezer songs nice at least you got to 10 originals that's pretty good i mean they they did i i joined late oh what'd you play i played guitar and then I was in an instrumental rock band. Instrumental? Like, was it like post-rock?

Like, tourist or something? Sort of, yeah. Cool. Yeah. In BC? Yeah, in Vancouver. Wow, that's actually really cool. West Coast post-rock sort of noodley thing?

Yeah, not really noodley, like pop like uh like come on you guys noodled no we that was like one of our rules we were like we're not a jam band uh we're like these are like we're writing we we are writing two minute songs yeah with with no words but like you could have you could have noodled if you wanted to. You had the ability to noodle. Not really. I'm pretty bad. I mean, I'm fine. Yeah. But I often told myself,

hey, you know what? There's a lot of personality to my playing. I may not be the most technically good. If a monster came up from san francisco to vancouver and you had to um quiet it down soothe it with like your guitar playing how long would you last yeah that's a great question um boy that is a that is a good question how long would i last at soothing a monster with my guitar i mean i could uh i could probably yeah i could play like 15 minutes of soothing solo guitar you're dead yeah that's right that monster's gonna be distracted and also guys we're all like around the same age so that means graham you were in a u2 cover band

when u2 was already really known as being bad. Yeah. Yeah. But like, like it wasn't even like eighties U2. It was like, I tell you, it was one song at a time that we were like, okay, we'll learn this U2 song.

And I was like, that'll be a crowd pleaser. And then I'm like, okay, let's learn this other one. Well, if it read like that, and then just eventually that was all we were practicing.

But was it all Zropa or it was all over the map some joshua trees some uh oh okay okay yeah um did you have a lead singer or a guitar a lead singer like who only sang or a guitarist lead singer guitarist lead singer and he didn't look at all like bono so okay did it have the same attitude as bono yeah he joined the un for a while and like made some demands on a special red ipod yeah like forced you to upload his album on itunes was his name rano zano like x-o-n-o yano yeah yeah he was yano did you guys uh did you play any like live gigs do you play

did a gig around yeah we played like three and they were all battle of the band style things right uh and then one at our high school and like did people go crazy for it um not i don't think so it wasn't like a bunch of high fives at the end of the set or them like dousing you in beer uh i was like a skater style guy and like punk guy so like i think there was like a bunch of older girls that thought i was kind of cute or something sure so i remember getting there they were giving me lots of attention after the high school one that was pretty cool yeah that is how well how so say some older girls come up from san francisco how long how much many minutes of attention would you last with them well uh i was really uh i wanted the attention do you remember that high

school conflict where you want the attention but you're like a shy virgin so you you sabotage it anyways so you can be safe again no i wasn't a virgin in high school oh sick dude i didn't know that yeah last three grades seven you never told me that, dude. What the hell? You should have told me that right away. Oh, yeah. No, no. Definitely very experienced entering high school.

Yeah, grade seven was a good time. I was too nervous. I blew it. What did you wear your first day of high school? It was funny that you say that because i say i was a shy virgin but i wore those leather pants where your dick hangs out lenny kravitz ones yeah i'm a huge we did a i was in a lenny kravitz cover band too but we were all terrible musicians so we just ripped our leather pants and had dicks hang out it's actually a lenny Kravitz uncover band.

Yeah, and then we had like famous daughters too. Cool. Yeah. Who was your famous daughter again? Zoe Locke. Yeah. You don't know her? No, I mean I know of her.

She's on some shows. Dave, what do you wear first day of high school can you remember i remember i absolutely remember it was a uh i i got it on summer vacation it was a like a patch color blocked out like red and blue and green and yellow long sleeve i believe woolen t-shirt like i only know that because it shrunk did it hurt no it was weirdly like very light uh but i was and i was sweating by the end because it was still september and a pair of shorts but i remember being like uh oh i'm not i'm not gonna make it in high school i'm already doomed they used to dress us really bad when we were really little remember like sweaters like they were like wool sweaters but

then they'd have big leather patches on them and stuff yeah what was it all that mix and match of material stuff but i don't think that's bad i think like the stuff you can get away with before you dress yourself oh man even when you first dress yourself and your parents are like i'm not picking this battle and then you can yeah wear underwear on the outside of your pants which i was always big into because of your supermans and your batmans etc but like superman hasn't been able to get away from the underwear thing but batman has batman is now like the spooky guy that doesn't have underwear on the outside right well he painted his underwear black but it's still there

yeah he's he's wearing a tight tight y fronts kind of thing that's what i did my first day of high school i uh had the hole in my leather pants everybody was saying ew about my dick as i walked down the hall so then i borrowed my buddy's white hanes and then went to the art department painted them black to match the leather pants and then i made so many friends yeah everybody's like oh man you're cool now that your dick's under control yeah and all these girls were hugging me but then they were getting black paint on their crotches this is a wow what a wild first day you had it was basically a whole big story yeah yeah yeah and do you remember what did you wear to your grad do you remember like to the party version not the not the robe or whatever to my grad i remember i just

wore like a bathing suit and a huge backpack with everything i truly loved in it and i said i'm out of here see you never loses peace yeah nice to know you and then everybody's like was that the guy who had his dick out the first day of high school yeah but we didn't see him at all from the between the first day and today except for that one battle of the band yeah i was just like a little gag character during high school showed up for up for a couple of gags. I wasn't like the main character. No, just a couple of gags here and there. Yeah.

Do you remember the main character of your high school? Yes. He looked exactly like Luke Perry from 90210. Oh. And all the girls loved him. And guess what? Now he's an anti-vaxxer. Of course. the girls loved him and guess what and now he's an anti-vaxxer of course covid denier government conspiracy everything this brain is fried yeah are you are you how

do you know that are you friends with them facebook friends i've heard through the breeze yeah well sometimes that's just the way it goes right yeah that's what happened to me sometimes you peak in high school and then i don't know your brain gets fried and this guy got the same education as you isn't that weird yeah as much as you could call it an education am i right guys yeah exactly i don't know i wasn't there me neither man they're just trying to turn this into automaton go to work get a wife get kids you know die whatever what when you left high school what was your did you go into university or did you just hit the road well i went i hit the road man yeah you know i went into a bunch of universities i'll tell you that pick up shrooms here there peyote there do you list that on your resume i've been to a bunch of schools man what i did was i'd go into universities into the band rooms and i'd steal like tubas trumpets trombones whatever

and that's how i'd make my money to travel across north america and uh china as a one-man band no i would sell the instruments oh okay yeah i i take the cash to buy greyhound bus tickets it was the master plan yeah and i was only just wearing a bathing suit the whole time a tommy bahama bathing suit with pineapples on it yeah tommy bahama they make an excellent bathing suit or you know what some great barbecue wear i know tommy bahama look for the marlin um did you uh did they have at your high school did they have king and prom king and queen did they do that thing no i think i was uh during my prom it was still the era of like they were starting to be fair to everybody right everyone got a trophy be nice yeah even the ugliest people you've ever seen

um people were being nice to them at that time and then the internet came and that ugly people really got hammered so what was your like what is in your mind the difference between prom and grad and like what are they different things i mean my mind or graham's mind because he brought up the two yeah yeah i think of them as the same thing well grad is the presentation like to the school right that's what i was thinking oh and then prom is but like is there and then what's prom prom is where you get your diploma and uh by that i mean in the hotel room you get diploma whatever whatever it's fine uh did you guys score on your prom night in the hotel room like score some coke or something like that no score like with your date no was there okay

because i like okay we gotta get into these stories but i feel like the thing is that uh like in the movies there's prom which is a separate thing that does not happen at it happens when you're in your final year of high school yeah but it's not the same day that you get your diploma no but then you we had a an official like grad party at the school or like on a boat outside the school we didn't have that uh on the day of our graduation yeah but then we had an we had an unsanctioned like two girls from our class rented a like a hotel ballroom and said we're putting on the prom that's awesome but i don't know and we had to buy like a 50 ticket shit they probably made so much fucking money off of that they're probably still laughing their ass

off but it was uh but i don't i i feel like in the movies prom is like a thing that exists and in canada anyway it isn't or it's like well okay mine was technically i'll blow your anybody all your listeners minds right now okay we didn't call it the prom actually i didn't have a problem we went to a formal ah the formal yeah yeah when was that the spring before grad or was it a was it a christmas formal i don't know was it the snowball yeah well i don't know no it was just like damn i think maybe i'm wrong i gotta we also had a bunch of dances throughout the year for like and they were called formals every time no they were just like and they were called formals every time no they were just like they were for the whole school not not the grad class yeah we had that too but like the older you got you didn't go yeah that's uh that was like they were cool in grade

nine but or ninth grade to the americans but you know what i'm saying by grade 10 you're like do you want to go i don't know and then you're well, let's just go jump on skateboards and stuff like that. Yeah, let's tell our parents we're going, but then let's just smoke weed in a bush. Then you come home with a bunch of like thistles in your jacket. Yeah, let's drink Canadian club in a bush. And freeze to death. Did you ever have, because you see it in movies all the time that they had like food and punch and all this kind of stuff at the grad that or at the dance that was never i never

had anything like that did you guys well our prom that the the girls like rented out the hotel uh whatever like ballroom yeah hat because it was like normally they rented out for weddings so they had like this was part of it so they had like those things where they put mashed potatoes in and then like the the top goes over did you guys eat wedding old wedding cakes at your dances someone's rejected wedding food no it was like a it was like a you know choose chicken or fish or whatever yeah oh cool uh the 90s was such a place where it was like i just made this up in my head it wasn't true but it was close doesn't this feel close to being true you guys graduated late 90s right yeah yeah yeah doesn't this feel like something they do like for our dance uh we got sponsored by taco

bell and there's gonna be a taco bell spread and then like everybody's dancing and then just the table where the taco bell spread was would just be like like messed up to shit by like an hour in like we did like i feel like our school was like this is gonna be sound nuts to you guys, but in our cafeteria from grade 10 on, okay, grade nine, we had like lunch ladies preparing meals that you could buy, like fries with gravy and chicken parms or whatever. I don't know. Chicken parms. It was really fancy.

But then grade 10 on, we seriously, I'm not making this up. There was a pizza pizza and I know it's Ontario, I think is pizza pizza, but it's like. We have it now. Okay. Fast food pizza. So there's a pizza pizza kiosk and a Tim Hortons kiosk. So like teens were buying like Tim Hortons donuts and coffee at like 9am and I was eating a pepperoni slice every lunch yeah isn't that messed

up that's getting more and more common i think but isn't we didn't have that we had like a you know whatever different thing every day of the week but uh that's nice but not like and you had a boat party i think you went to a really fancy school we had a dry grad oh it was the boat party was a dry grad and anything scoring you did was a dry hump that's the yeah yeah no uh moisture anywhere well i was a dry guy oh really yeah yeah so dry humping was a big deal to you yeah yeah yeah you gotta walk before you run dry humping was frustrating for me every time you say it like that was an exclusive thing that you you it was it was just like something like i'm unique like that whereas it was like the end the all end all oh my gosh i still love it

chris what if your wife was like, let's dry hump? What would your reaction be? I mean, that's the challenge, isn't it? That's the challenge, isn't it? For all. I'd be like, I'm taking off these corduroy pants. Yeah, you gotta like, you gotta find a woman that will get past dry humping for the rest of your life or else you're screwed. Are there any?

You marry somebody that you've only dry humped? And like that's exactly how i like it and the other way grosses me out did i ever tell you graham about uh uh so my college roommate her um her mother grew up with a hockey broadcaster Ron McClain. Yeah. And one time at a party they dry hump. And so every time he came on TV we started calling him her dryological father. Oh my god!

That rules. Jesus Christ at least it wasn't Don Cherry. Holy crap. Yeah. Oh man he probably have some pretty gross stories well no he was married most of the time he was like he was kind of he's married to rose until 20 years ago yeah he got married in grade seven yeah lost it he's old school did you guys have uh like significant others by the time you were graduating? Or were you all gone stag? I was dating someone, yeah, that I...

Oh, I loved her. She was the best. Yeah. I was nuts about this girl. Do you guys keep in touch? Yeah. Is she an anti-vaxxer now? I don't know.

I don't know. I think she's married to a guy that doesn't look as fucking cool as me man i'll tell you that much you should download a picture of their family and put your face over it make it your profile pic i'll download a picture of their family and like just fucking photoshop me jumping over them on a motorcycle yes that's the perfect way to get your revenge your revenge hey uh my high school girlfriend was a real anti-waxer was it where like okay can i be crass here ladies i'm sorry if you're listening but you know what i'm talking about and also dave said the joke but i like it when

it's hairy to the point where it goes into the butt. So Dave, I was just doing wordplay. I wasn't talking about any real world. I can't believe you're a high school girl and had that. She had buckwheat in a leg lock. That's the flip of that joke. Did,

did I don't, were people wet wet people weren't waxing in high school i don't know they were waxing poetic i'll tell you that my friends i went to an rci school i'll tell you that yeah well we were waxing poetic yeah yeah uh i got both i got both vaccines uh i got astrazeneca and then i got milk just milk Just gave me a glass of milk or injected some milk into your arm. Yeah. I was like, are you sure this is right? And this guy stumbles over to me and he goes, lady, Madonna children at your feet.

And then he jabbed milk into my arm and then his pants fell down and he fell into some garbage bags. Yeah. The same exact thing. I'm good'm good right i had a mix of milk yeah first vax cookies second vax milk now i'm santa um what is your is your vaccine all effective now you You've waited the two weeks or whatever it's supposed to be? Yeah, I feel strong as an ox. Smart as a fox. It's pretty wild. Smart as a fox, yeah.

Fast as a fox as well. Fly, fly. Fly, thanks. Fly as a fox. What about you, Graham? How are you? No, I got one. I got one, and then I was like, that's enough for me.

Party's over, guys. I'm only going to have the one. Is that true? No. But I've only had the one so far. So I'm going to try and get three. How about that? Now, you know?

I think they're going to do boosters, and I'm going to end up getting three. Who eats separate ones? Well, what did you guys get? Do you want to say it? I got AstraZeneca and Moderna in it end up getting three. Three separate ones. What did you guys get? Do you want to say it? I got AstraZeneca and Moderna. So did I. I bet the booster is going to be Pfizer. I got Pfizer straight up. You're lucky. They keep telling us that

every decision I've made is shit. Everything has been second guessed. I won't be allowed into another country. What's going on in another country that you want to check out you know the olympics oh yeah i was supposed to be in the summer bobsled i was gonna say summer by apple i was supposed to go to tahiti to paint a bunch of the the locals do you remember that right right before the pandemic they were i was in toronto and you

were debating whether or not to go to cuba at a vacation and like you were getting some pretty mixed suggestions from all the people that were around all the comedians some people were like just go man you gotta live your life and you know what's so funny uh i had to pressure and this is not against kathleen i 100 get why she was like dying to go yeah but i had to kind of because i i was obsessing about the news i mean even do you guys remember i uh i was there in vancouver in february 15th yeah and then flew back i did the show at the your space yeah the yeah and it was a party it was so much fun and then i was flying back and someone had a mask on the flight that flight and you were like and i was like what a freak no i was like yeah i knew because i knew oh oh because it was also debaters happened yeah and

i remember there were people we did a debaters yeah yeah and so but i knew it was a thing because and i knew that there were cases spreading up in vancouver while i was there i had been following it since january i'm always like kind of looking out for this kind of stuff in a paranoid way and then uh and then that guy actually needed medical attention on the flight oh really freaky yeah but i couldn't tell if it was like maybe he had the mask on because he was hyper like paranoid i don't know right he was having like a panic attack but also he could have been doing it to just be nice to your fellow yeah plane passengers but it hadn't even become a thing like if you guys remember like

way into oh i don't know what it was like in bc but in way into march maybe even early april here in ontario there were no masks yeah they were saying don't even i was still going into stores with no mask on medical advice but i want to say i i when i did convince kathleen begrudgingly but she she understood like what i was saying we canceled cuba uh we still have i guess like that's you know a gift certificate for sunwing or something uh-huh uh i hope to use it one day to go back the lockdown went into effect to go to cuba lockdown but it wasn't a lockdown but what happened what was it oh they called it a they said it was a pandemic the day after we canceled yeah what is it like in ontario now people are really uh from what i'm seeing because i'm doing live stand-up

shows outside on like patios and at bars and stuff and we're all partying having a great time i mean nobody is like it's really nice to see the city coming back to life i mean people are mostly uh wearing math like like you see one like like on the subway you'll see someone not wearing a mask like once in a every now and then right and they look like a person who it's like yeah okay we get it whatever yeah there's one girl on the subway you're the main character in chris's high school yeah but honestly like hey yeah i almost said his name but yeah yeah um i saw a girl on the subway without that wasn't wearing a mask yeah and this was like even like a few weeks ago when like the double vaccines hadn't really taken off yet like we're just starting and uh she was a babe she was really

beautiful not to be like i don't judge everyone i see but she was clearly like beautiful and there's a part of me that was like i think you're an anti-masker because of like you want people to see your face yeah you could just wear it as like a hairband or something like that that's why i'm a masker yeah i know well like for hideous guys like us i mean it's been a dream come around or what yeah yeah wearing masks and then sunglasses and a hat makes you look like the invisible man i've actually been eating more chips drinking more beer just taking full advantage of masking up i went to the grocery store today and for the first time since the pandemic started they had like the second entrance on the other side of the grocery store open oh yeah now you know it's time to party uh they've they've i they still have the arrows on

the ground which i've never respected oh i i totally i followed the arrows everywhere oh i i respect the like six feet the dots oh yeah six feet apart but like yeah like can't go down this aisle this way i can't go down the aisle no one's in it no one did that but you know what you do if you're in the wrong you moonwalk and that way you get around it because you technically are walking the right direction, but you're moving in the other. So you're watching me backwards. Yeah.

Yeah. This is, I'm thinking of a mirror. It's a trick. You'd have to trick the employees. Do you think the first time people saw the moonwalk that they absolutely lost their shit? They did.

Have you seen the video of it? Yeah. No, it was like the Motown, whatever, 25th anniversary or something. But guess what, guys? Since the hero you're talking about is not a hero anymore, you can find footage of, I believe it's Cab Calloway doing it way back in the 30s.

So whatever. Yeah. And Cab Calloway was the guy who was like, rap tat tat or something. what was his famous song no those were machine guns was he like wasn't he like scooby-doopa-doop yeah he uh uh minnie the moocher is a big one yeah yeah yeah minnie the moocher yeah no he's not i guess he's scattered a little bit did you grow up in a in a cab calloway house i grew up in that era oh that's right i forget that you're 90 plus years old yeah um so on spotify yeah the top five uh cab calloway cab calloway songs. By the way, I would have guessed, if you had asked me who Cab Calloway was two minutes ago,

I would have said an actor? Oh my God. Silent film? He's the best. He was one of the best swing band leaders ever. And yeah, he did scat, I guess. He'd be like, Scooby-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo.

Yeah. He's always been like that. Because he did that in Blues Brothers. He's like, Yeah. Number five, his top five songs. Number five, Jump and Jive five jump and jive okay and then they later added a whale yeah you had to wail number four reefer man reefer man is obviously yeah yeah um number three saint james infirmary oh I love that one. Sing it. Can you sing that one? Sing it. Yeah, sing it.

It's a sad one. It's kind of got a slow I can't remember. There's like, but you know what they did? This is what all those old like St. James Infirmary and Minnie the Moocher like they got popular too because they paired those songs that were

popular at the time anyways with betty boop cartoons so cab calloway like a cartoon incarnation of cab calloway would show up as like a ghost or something in a betty boop cartoon right sing these songs and so that's kind of how people would be like get out of the way i'm too horny i don't want to look at you i'm i'm into like boop yeah exactly give me boop those eyes nuts we're trying to boop over here yeah we got a boop and then we get in the cab number two everybody eats when they come to my house jesus that's a long title i don't know that one that's i think that's how it ends it kind of cuts off after everybody eats when they come yeah everybody eats when they come to my house when they come because they were watching betty boop and cap galway's hit song

is everybody eats my cum and then minnie the moocher minnie the moocher st james of ernie goes like this uh i like i don't know the lyrics but he's like he's something like he's like Minnie the Moocher. Minnie the Moocher. So, St. James Infirmary goes like this. I like, I don't know the lyrics but he's like, he's something like, he's like, I went down

to St. James Infirmary to see a baby da ba da ba da ba like that is really good. I'm not joking.

You guys have to listen to it. It's so good. The White Stri stripes had a song called saint james infirmary blues which they did a lot of old blues covers so i i don't know if they're related you don't know if like meg and jack are related yeah i don't know if they're related um they never cleared that up for me but uh how many songs were there about about this one infirmary? A lot of shit went down there, man.

Yeah. A lot of ghosts. What is an infirmary, like, vis-a-vis a hospital? I think it's a hospital and an infirmary. Aren't they the same thing? Infirmaries are where you go to rest when you've got a huge band-aid on your big toe. Sure. From the gout. Yeah. Or yeah or from like yeah uh a hammer dropping

on it oh right right cartoon betty betty boob went down to saint james infirmary to rest my big toe that a hammer just droppedbed in. What happens in a Betty Boop cartoon? Does a wolf get horny? Yeah, basically like it's like there's this one called oh yeah, there's another one called Old Man from the Mountain. I like Cab Calloway a lot, but I think I might be even

an old cartoon guy more, but like I love all that stuff, but there's one called Old Man from the Mountain and it mostly is betty boop leaving the safety of her home uh with a pal or not like she had this dog pal i forget his name like whatever betty boppo or something yeah betty chomp dong head and uh but like everything got scary wherever she went got scary ghouls were chasing her but there was also clearly manifestations of like lecherous men yeah and like trying to snatch her

with their you know and they would go like like do a wolf whistle and then like their eyes would turn into uh like uh what do you call uh slot machines you're actually getting confused with the wolf from the tex avery cartoons that was star along with droopy the dog droopy the dog was the horny dog is this your uh area of your expertise is old cartoons i don't know. Well, maybe compared to you guys, it seems like it. I guess so. Yeah. What, uh, what is there, uh, is, is Cab Calloway the oldest artist you like, or do you like anyone older? Um, there's a Greek philosopher named Heraclitus that I think is really funny. Music artist. Uh, I don't know. Like, geez, of of course i i really love like all like some of the old classical

like claude debussy you know oh yeah like what are you gonna do maurice ravel what are you not gonna listen to that piano when it's raining outside i mean oh sure yeah totally and the people also got horny during that right there There were some shadow puppets or something that they did. You know what's funny to imagine bringing that up, Graham? I like picturing the 18th and 19th century. Two lovers just giving each other modern porn-style head. While reading sheet music. Yeah, and wearing itchy clothes. That's right doing it in a barn because

that was the only place they could get together but getting it like very modern style like oh yeah like i did also doing it in a barn because it's the place that the only place that stunk worse than their bodies that's right i got just the place yeah beside the pig shit i got buckwheated a leg lock over here there the whole time he's just like it's not it's them man it's these pigs yeah yeah yeah yeah be cool damn these pigs stink huh it's the pigs huh too bad the barn is the only place we can go yeah what's wrong with the house renovations it's not up to code candle uh burnt part of the staircase so chris tell us about your podcast yeah i want to know it's called evil men yeah have you guys

oh man that's really good holy crap it's me and michael balazzo and james hardnet yeah two of my funniest oldest funniest friends and we pick a evil man and it could be like real or it could be a cartoon we've done an episode on gargamel from the smurf yeah oh we've got an episode on dommer uh caligula wait what did dommer do that's so bad no not dauber from coach he was so dumb he was evil for being so fucking dumb dude and he's the voice of uh patrick the star yeah oh that's a great gig that's all i think about now is like did you score a good gig yeah yeah wow so who else have you done dobbs coach was one of the like uh one of the first shows to have two dumb people because jerry van dyke was dumb too yeah oh my god you're right what about a show with all dumb people

and their enemy is a smart guy that lives down the road yeah gargamel i guess this first joseph campbell talk about the double dumb guy archetype the latest episode is charles ponzi oh you know the inventor of the ponzi scheme it's a really good one where when did he charge of that one when did he live what was his he lived around the turn of the uh yeah like 20th century um 1910s i believe okay it was when he was at his height what was his 1920s like what would you be doing in the 20s scheme wise well you have to listen to that that's right can we all agree that that the 20th century or the 19th century the the 1900s should be the 19th century yeah it's too confusing they really effed me up as a kid and i actually crashed

my bike trying to think of it one time crashed my bike into a jug city it was a name of a convenience store really city yeah they sold they sold milk jugs and they were chest i guess they sold magazines that called jugs i feel like this i'm sorry i feel like this is a broey it's getting too broey i'm talking that's why we have you on yeah you're our broiest guest you come in and you're really sweet yeah you serve i think i think and where you live you're like not much of a bro but where we live you're the broiest guy yeah it's like bro jogan it's you joe rogan i would love to become the canadian joe rogan and just be called bro jogan you'd probably get your own radio show if you were going yeah i think you're like i would I would love to become the Canadian Joe Rogan and just be called bro. Joe. Good.

You'd probably get your own radio show if you were going. Yeah. I think you're like, I would love that. You're very close. I mean, you just need to shave part of your head. Yeah. I'm good.

Yeah. The sides I'm close in the sense that I'm an expert on everything. That's true. Yeah. Tell me, tell me about the invention of the, uh, modern day mop. Yeah. What do you, you know about that. Tell me about the invention of the modern-day mop. What do you know about that? Tell me all the things about that.

Well, it's a regular mop. It doesn't do anything much crazier than you'd expect, but of course the government wants us to think that we need new mops all the time. It's just consumerism, man. It's just another way for us to be like docile and complacent spending all our money on crap like modern mops and stuff okay yeah anyways that was really good that's i didn't know that that was that that was the

whole story behind mop but try try using one of those modern mops on psilocybin, and then we'll talk. It's a lot better. What do you... Chris keeps looking out his window. Yeah, what's going on? It's raining. Is there a wolf out there? Oh, it's raining. A horny wolf.

Put on some Debussy. The sky is really rubbing it in that I came over here to water my parents' plants. It's just like... Okay, for the listeners, I'm at at my parents house doing a favor this this week to water their plants and flowers and i did it today and then it rained like a half hour right after it's been raining ever since so now your trip there was it's complete it's a disaster i should have known it was gonna rain eh, eh? Yeah, because you know everything. I know.

Bro Jogan. Bro Jogan. Actually, I feel like, not to be one of those dinks, but I actually do think that Joe Rogan admits that he doesn't know everything. He's just interested in everything. And that's why he has all these experts on, right? Yeah, but his experts are shitheads. any shit head time any shit head can get on there but like from what i've heard if you get on there that's like you can make a whole career out of that if you if people like

you from that then you're you gotta made in the shade and i have to move to austin austin texas yeah yeah oh yeah what the fuck is going on with austin texas all these people are moving to austin texas like i'm only like i i i only just like read the there's like uh well some comic friends have told me about it but also uh new york times just did an article about it but i think he's like he moved there and he's like starting a comedy club. So all these comics that are close to him or obviously want to be close to him have moved there as well. And apparently there's something about Texas or Austin in particular

where you don't pay certain taxes. Okay. And would he open up a comedy club gym like that they're next door to each other they're not working out while they're listening to comedy but if you buy is that true no that's i just made that up but you can see it's like a really close yeah i can see it he's clearly a workout nut right yeah he loves yeah do you guys see the guy in the ufc guy that broke his leg it's the most famous ufc guy in the world yeah yeah connor mcgrady oh i saw that happen years ago no just now oh no but i didn't watch it because uh i uh knew he was going to break his

leg yeah yeah yeah yeah every clip was like watch this guy break his leg i'm like no who was it uh honor mcgregor he broke his leg i didn't how did i miss that i don't know you were watching old tex avery cartoons yeah yeah they're good they're like funnier than the yeah i'm going down to the octagon to break my leg and then i'm gonna have to go down to we'll wrap a big band-aid around that don't worry about it we'll put a cold compress on your head and tie it around did you did you watch it graham um no I just watched the part where your brother's like... Okay, I know you watch UFC events live sometimes. This one slipped my notice. I can't believe I didn't know that, honestly. Like, I feel like

I'm not a big follower of that stuff, but I feel like I'm always around the news, like I could see it. You know what I mean? On Twitter or something? You could see news somewhere, yeah. But there was that guy, I can't remember his name name like alexandro or there was like a guy um i don't know maybe five or six years ago that was supposed to be like the toughest guy too and then his leg snapped in half and then you could see video slash images of they shouldn't film these fights a dead a dead half of a leg does wobbling i don't like it at all

and then people people i i just saw the comments afterwards that like the guy who beat him they're like that doesn't count it's really winning because he broke his leg yeah he broke his leg he would have gone back into the fight if the doctor said he could he would but like it was like these people were like oh what a bad fight like what what are you watching if not to see a guy break it's like what is the point of that's the top fight of the century yeah and then conor mcgregor he was being interviewed as they were setting his leg and he was so calm and collected he's like talking so he's tough they i'd be crying i'd be crying so hard i would be talking in an irish accent was

he no he was speaking in a spanish accent a lot of people said good i'm glad that your leg's broken that was racist that accent you were doing oh yeah i know um dave what's going on with you man not a heck of a lot um really not much but I'm glad we've talked for a long time already, so I don't have to say very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like we all learn so much about ourselves in my segment. Yeah, that's true.

Like, it's, this is, that's, I feel like the true kind of, like, what the show should be. Every time I do this show, we talk for an hour, and then Graham does something like that. And we mostly talk about high school yeah and is that's not true well we talked about the primus thing that one time that's right

no last time you complained that we were we were the show was 90s yeah yeah i didn't bring up high school this time did i um i don't know if you brought it up but we definitely talked oh no i was in a band and that's when i was in a band and then it started all that stuff but then we talked for an hour and then graham goes uh so dave what's up with you and i'm like why it always hurts my feelings because i'm like am i a narcissist and i've just been talking about myself but no we haven't we've been chatting about everything we we should tell the guests to have like a thing prepared but this was very fun and easy yeah because you we didn't have to with you yeah you're naturally hilarious but here's what's nothing's going on with me no here's a funny thing that happened today yes is uh so i uh on the way

my daughter was at a a camp this week what kind of camp she's at leg lego camp what the fuck what does that mean i we don't know you're not bad it's not allowed we we were because it's like uh at the place same place she does preschool so it was like we just uh saw like every week is a different camp okay and and the only description is that they say bring a snack every week will be a different camp okay and and the only description is that they say bring a snack every week will be a different camp this week lego camp so we don't know what that means we assumed she'd be making a bunch of lego yeah day one she comes home says i didn't touch a single piece of lego here's a picture of a here's like a some lego like a lego man's head i made out of popsicle sticks what that's like you should call

the better business bureau because that's not a lego camp day two yeah we pick her up they give us a uh they give us a ziploc bag and they say uh here's here's uh the lego sandwich here's the lego sandwich she made today are you freaking joking no and it's just like uh some some like rectangles with dots on them yeah yeah that's the sesame seeds right that's top layer. This is your daughter and I feel ripped off. But she did say that she also did Lego that day. So there was Lego. Okay, there's actual Lego introduced into this Lego week. Anyway, and today she had cut up some bananas into the shape of Lego with some some six dots on them oh my god but she did she has been doing

lego since but it's like a couple a few minutes of lego a few minutes of a craft right lego themed and then you know just go play in the playground a couple minutes of the craft where they have levitate one lucky camper yeah but on the way to pick her up today i uh we got some groceries and i got a pack of gum and i was chewing gum when i picked her up and she said oh is that what kind of gum is that and my kids are obsessed with gum yeah it's the best everyone knows it they love the idea of bubble gum they can't blow bubbles and a piece of bubble gum is so big in their little mouth yeah it's like takes so long for them to like soften it up you remember eating like bubble gum ice cream and

what a crazy trip that was oh yeah ice cream and then like free bubble gum in the middle holy shit you paid for the whole thing it wasn't free yeah ice cream bubblegum ice cream was always $5 more than regular ice cream. Yeah. So I picked her up today, and I was chewing gum, and she said, what gum is that? And I said, oh, it's minty gum. And she knows she likes bubblegum. She doesn't like minty gum.

Yeah. But every six months, they'll be like, I want to try minty gum again. Yeah. And today, they both to try minty gum again. Yeah. And today, uh, they both had some minty gum and they chewed it. And the looks on their faces, it's like when you're like,

Oh baby, like licorice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're like, cause they don't even have minty toothpaste. They have like,

you know, berry flavored kid toothpaste. What the fuck? Why don't we have berry flavored toothpaste i know that's like that wouldn't be so hard to make no the adult version my uh two and a half year olds like will walk around you have to catch her because she'll walk around with like yeah berry flavored kid toothpaste in her hand just like licking it like off out of the hole out of the hole and so they they had the the minty gum and i was like you can you know i give them each a piece and i was like you can uh you

know i i have to go downstairs but like uh when you're done just spit it in the garbage yeah it's it's it's fine uh i know you're not going to like it. And then I came upstairs from working and I saw that there was like a bowl of ramen out. Okay. And I was informed that to get the yucky minty taste out of their mouth, they wanted some ramen. So like they're the opposite of people yeah like to get they who use gum to get the taste of something else out of their mouth i got bad breath i gotta go i gotta eat some ramen yeah i got a big job interview

just eat this garlic on the way in yeah yeah i used to come i did the same thing in high school what'd you do in high school come home late at night and then eat ramen and they were like christopher were you drinking and i'd be and i'd go ah with my breath and they go oh you're just eating ramen one of these late night ramen places yeah yeah he just made a cup of it on the porch yeah i was eating ramen mom oh man um well do you like ramen i love it i love it and uh there's a place that i went to last time i was in vancouver that still sends me emails. And it's like, I'm not there, man.

But they just want you to check in with, they want you to send an email back, just letting them know. That's the thing. I haven't responded yet. Yeah. Do you know how to unsubscribe from emails, Chris? Well, I think I eventually did, but yeah. I, yeah, I like it too too why did they have your email address chris what did you why did you give that to them um i ordered a side of chicken karagi like a hot

spicy chicken karagi yeah or maybe it's garage yeah i think it is garage i parked my teeth in the garage um but yeah there was a stipulation like i had to sign my name and email address over to get because it was so hot that wasn't really that hot nope not for me dudes yeah chris is a spicy boy yeah yeah it always has my boys where have you where have you eaten that was too spicy was there like one restaurant that has outdone them all in terms of like this is so hot well no you know what like i'm not one of those macho spice guys to be honest like i can have a lot of heat on my food and i i love it it almost like but it's got to be good spice it's got to be like like ramen and uh you know like indian food especially like the spices thai food the spice is good like i'm not one of those nice yeah yeah

i'm not one of those you want to hear something crazy i actually filmed a commercial where my character said the the spice is nice really yeah years ago i was an elf it was like a christmas commercial i can't even remember what it was for but i'm serious it was like candy canes it was like 15 years ago yeah i don't remember honestly that's so funny like a warehouse oh god it's the worst so it's an elf just hanging on the warehouse the director was fighting with the client like the whole time i was sitting on camera waiting for them to tell me they got me to change my performance eight different times oh god the spice is nice um but anyways do you got you get what i'm getting at

like no those guys that do like ghost reapers and carolina reapers yeah yeah yeah like fuck i don't want to do that that's stupid that sucks or like even like going beyond suicide wings and being like kill me with their chicken wings like i'm not that guy yeah i forget what we were talking about what's going on with you uh what is going on with me oh this uh past weekend i watched uh i, there's more of them, but I watched the first three paranormal activities. Huh. Yeah. Had you ever seen them before?

I saw the first one in the theater when it came out, which was like 2006 or something. And were these on Shudder? No, they were on Netflix. Oh. And so. Has anyone famous come out of these movies, or are they just? Oh, that's a good question

no i don't think so i think the ghost did some other work in different movies but yeah no it's like it was people that weren't even using there wasn't a script it was all just improv and like the director saying like okay this is what has to happen in this scene but have you seen it have you seen one of them no chris have you seen one of them i i i saw the first one and the whole time i was watching it i was like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then when she gets pulled out of the bed i was like oh help me i can't go to bed ever again yeah exactly because like the first how long did that last years you didn't go to bed for years yeah well i'm scared to get yanked out of my bed by a ghost and then if i go swimming jaws will get me no oh yeah that's true they should have called that movie bed

yankers after after this episode of crank anchors we're gonna show you some bed yankers the we're gonna need a bigger bed so it takes longer to get yanked out of it they should have called jaws boat yankers they're gonna start a game based on paranormal activity where beds are like the length of a city block and you get yanked on it for so long and you say we are they yes yes of course um those have long arms but like that the movies are freaky because at first you're just watching a thing and it's a recording of their bedroom and then a door opens a little bit and you get free why were they recording their bedroom because somebody broke in no there was weird stuff happening and the guy wanted to catch something on film so he set up video cameras around the house you watch those by yourself in the dark uh yeah it was the dark

and uh it was scary and uh i had trouble sleeping but then the next night i did the same thing i uh scared myself like i don't have you ever done that where like you spooked yourself this is all you're doing yes and and you're like well now i'm just listening to things creaking and like that that is such a good point because you're i mean even right now as we talk uh well it's 9 20 here uh so i started talking to you guys somewhere yeah uh i started like talking to you guys at 8 p.m eastern standard time yeah but at seven i was eating my tofu tacos from freshy and to put on something rando to have on the background while i ate my dinner i put on it chapter two jesus christ with the goddamn pennywise the clown and yeah he they got they they make him pretty scary in these new ones and but that but that point you're making is so real where it's

like how can i still be scared when i know that i'm the only one that made something scary happen in front of my eyes at this moment yeah if i didn't watch a show it would have been the same world as before yeah exactly and then and you're alone at your parents house and it's big and there's ghosts here what um every morning you'll pull down a bed god damn it yeah i get pulled down to it and then uh the ghost goes raisin bran yeah i made coffee yeah the ghost is wearing a house coat and has curlers in its hair to come full circle what's uh what's better pennywise the clown or pennywise the skate punk band this is very good well it depends on what you want accomplished yeah i mean i guess i kind of just want to rock out

oh then you want the original pennywise which is uh tim kerr he's he's the most rocking guy around yeah he had like all like he had drums bass guitars guitars everything in that sewer yeah that's how they learned so many kids that's how they learned john ritter and harry anderson in there oh my god yeah oh my god that someone taped that off of tv when i was a kid and they lent me it was like you needed two vhs's to watch it all and i watched it in my basement in this house that i'm in right now shit oh my god so yeah and Tim Curry's Pennywise was so scary. But this guy, I forget his name right now. He's one of the Skarsgårds, I think. Yes, yeah. He's doing a great job.

I think that he, as Pennywise, is better than the movies are good. Right, so he should just strike out on his own. Yeah, do a solo album. He should write his own, yeah, yeah pennywise the clown movies and just like do a one-man show yeah pennywise on the road pennywise joins the army yeah pennywise in zanzibar pennywise in shanghai yeah sure um anyways the the third movie isn't as scary as the first anyways pennyways yes uh they uh but they scared the shit out of me so if you're if you're looking to do that to yourself those

are the movies check them out those are like the boy who's the mastermind behind them like i know nothing about these movies except that they they're like in like night vision yeah the guy who directed the first one it was shot in his house because they didn't have any budget like i think the total budget for it was like fifty thousand dollars and then that's a lot of money i don't have that but imagine if you could borrow it and then spend it on a movie and it makes 400 million no i wouldn't spend it on that i think i have enough to make that movie but then i gotta tell you that movie's gotta do well and i would probably be micromanaging it to hell and it would fail yeah exactly boy where do you have 50 grand yeah i'm still like trying to picture you scared as shit

trying to go to bed i mean i can feel you on that like yeah i'm a grown man and some of these horror movies still affect me as badly as they did when i was like 10 or 12 no they do if they do it right then it like triggers something where you're like oh shit oh i'm triggered i'm triggered by this i can't do stand-up at colleges anymore is this bro jogan speaking yeah because everyone's triggered by a big scared the ghost that yanks you out of the bed in paranormal activity is against cancel culture yeah and he he wants to speak at universities about how he wants to yank universities out of bed is tim curry the greatest of all time yeah he uh if he just did rocky horror picture show that would have cemented it but then he continued on as the coolest

the cool and he's still with us he did clue he did pennywise he did that halloween video what halloween video what halloween video there's this very like uh 80s uh like computer graphics halloween video uh it's tim curry singing anything can happen on halloween a dog can turn into a cat oh that's fucked up if you saw that on halloween if you saw a dog turning into a cat yeah you'd be scared shitless um so guys do you want to move on to a little bit of business let's do it okay can i just say one movie that scared the crap out of me yeah you as a grown man uh-huh to the point where it was like i was affected for a few nights the conjuring yeah the yeah graham we talked about that a few weeks ago graham's all up in the universe yeah i did i did

three of them and also annabelle comes home so listen to that on episode 692 there's a third conjuring yeah oh i saw the second one too, yeah. Yeah, the third one is, it's good, but it's not as good as the first two. Where can you watch it? Netflix. Oh my gosh. It's been with you the whole time. That's the spooky reveal.

It's right behind you, Inzo Chris! I can see behind myself in the Zoom screen. Oh, yeah, sorry. So there. can see behind myself in the zoom oh yeah sorry so there so that means that it's time for a jumbotron yeah jumbotron jumbotron and uh this is a place where if you uh have an affection for somebody or you want to call somebody out and uh yeah finally or you have a an I saw you a misconnection. You can do them right here on the program. And this message is for the for I think the first time is for us. It's for this is for Dave and Greg.

Yeah, I don't think it is the first time. Oh, no, we've had we've had some secret admirers. Well, I know that this is a secret admirer is Dave M. And his message, if you want to you you dave you do you say it oh yeah i you know what i know all the letters so i can read all these words the message is just want to say thanks graham and dave for helping to get myself and others through the pandemic love the show more hulk hogan news though uh what the hell has that guy been up to uh he's been up to his regular old tricks yeah he's uh the best that ever did it yeah and uh we welcome him to be on the podcast whenever

he's ready uh thank you so much for that message that's really kind that's very nice thank you for uh uh yeah you for going out of pocket to to say something nice for us yeah that's great uh to us so where can uh a person who wants to shout out to the world their opinions yeah you don't have to do it about us in fact we we any message you want we'll say it We are We have no filter We are Yeah that's right Yeah Bad boys a podcast Get a couple drinks in us

And then we'll say Whatever you tell us Yeah Go to Maximumfun.org Slash Jumbotron Alright let's move on

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Nick Weiger, and a bunch of other cool folks. We suspect he'll show signs of mutation when in a state of excitement. Now, Annie matched with him on Tinder, so she's going to act

as the honeypot. I do enjoy being called a honeypot. Hey, you know what's better than honey? Gravy. Oh yeah, can I be the gravy sack? Out now on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get podcasts. And pick up the graphic novel at your local bookstore today. novel at your local bookstore today.

Overheard. Overheard. Boy, oh boy. If you're, you know what? If you've been blessed with the power of hearing, then you owe it to yourself to overhear what everybody's up to. And if you've been blessed with the power of sight you're also on the hook to report things that you've overseen and you know what i'll take an over smelled or an over tasted yeah and would you name the other one touched have we ever had an over touched over touched

no but if you've yeah if you felt some really nice fabric if you or if you've had the sixth sense if you've overseen dead people and doing paranormal activities uh-huh um chris we always like to start with the guest you haven't overheard don't you yeah and they i always panic at these because i basically walk around outside my house with my airpods in blasting punk rock into my ears all the time yeah so it's hard to hear stuff but when i do go into stores i turn it off so i can be aware of my surroundings in the store yeah and in the liquor store here lcbo in ontario um i was walking past the fancy wine section walking past it because i already had my bottle of gin you know i'm sure

yeah and uh a woman looking at the wines was also talking on her bluetooth phone and she said uh yeah like i don't like mom and dad i'm sure she was talking to her brother or sister or something like that but she's like i've analyzed all the evidence and it turns out yeah i don't think i mean i love them i just don't like them yeah i must have missed the follow-up yeah it might have been a trickeroo for sure yeah seems like yeah it seems like a double sneak but do your kids like you chris i don't know do they do they try to beat you up they put you in a headlock ever yeah they actually like they do treat me like i'm a couch like they can just jump all over my body like it's a couch

do you feel like your kids wouldn't need you if you if they could reach things on their own yeah kind of actually and they've already like like you're a couch one is five so they're already like turning the tv on and knowing how to find netflix on the tv shit yeah it's crazy and what are they watching the best of coach yeah basically they're like look at dauber he's smarter than you dad so is jerry van dyke so is jerry van dyke they're like how come there's two dumb guys on this show dad and i'm like well that's what all men are like okay girls but cheers only has one dumb guy yeah well they had a dumb guy and then he passed away and then they brought in a brand new dumb guy yeah just friends kind of has two dumb guys dad yeah yeah uh and seinfeld were they all they were all

reasonably intelligent right there was no dumb guy on that show yeah kramer was i guess the played the dumb guy yeah he was he was anti-society yeah and jerry played the genius i mean i guess i guess if we go through all the shows phoeebe's the anti-masker, Kramer's the anti-masker. Oh, yeah. Dauber? No, I don't know about Dauber. No, Dauber, he cares about people. I feel like Coach is the anti-masker.

Yeah. Well, maybe because he's from a different generation, kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Dave, do you have an overheard? I have an overseen. This was a brief thing I saw the other day. I was driving in my car.

Um, just like cranking up my hammy. Uh, just, uh, you know, I live my life one quarter at a time, one quarter at a time.

You're a laundromat owner. I actually, my car is powered. You got the junk, you gotta put quarters in. Somehow they make it though. They, the money ends up in so's pocket uh and we were stopped at a red light and a guy crossed the street on a warm day carrying half of a watermelon oh yeah with a spoon and just eat shit eating out of the watermelon like a bowl of cereal holy shit that

guy rules yeah that's breaking all the rules of watermelon as far as i'm concerned i don't know that he is i think he just figured out watermelon yeah but he's a metal spoon though so he's gonna have to take care of that all day and make sure it gets home yeah that's right okay uh but a plastic spoon probably wouldn't get it done no those watermelons are like they're dense and you don't want if if it was yeah if a plastic spoon could do it then it's probably too soft a watermelon yeah yeah have you guys have you had any watermelon yet this summer have you had any not a fan no whoa dave doesn't like it that's so that's controversial i don't dislike it it's just it's i would rather have cantaloupe if we're doing melons and uh really that's whoa that you're nuts that's a that's a very uh that's very uh do you think cantaloupe is is the uh worst

melon of the three uh yeah anytime that you get cantaloupe you're like this is just you like honeydew more than cantaloupe oh no honeydew sucks too but cantaloupe both of them can hit the road what does the melon say to its girlfriend i'm a fun guy sorry i cantaloupe. My parents are here. I forgot that there's a good tag on that. Yeah. Yeah. I can't elope for the following reasons.

My parents are here. They're stressed. They know something's up. They keep asking me questions. They're grilling me. What are your top summer fruits? Water up at the top strawberries peach and now get all the time no i know but like the really good ones are in the summer like strawberry like you can't get a good peach all the time no but here in bc you can get some juicy, juicy peaches. For me, it's cherries. Too petty.

Well, what do you think of peaches? They're great. They got so much flesh going on. You barely even see that pit. You see it at the very end. But cherries, you got it every time. Every time, yeah. You've got to pay the cost to be the boss.

Chris, summer fruit. Summer fruits. Oh oh i love so much fruits but i really love making a smoothie that's made out of juiced fresh pineapple banana and strawberries that's delicious that's yeah that's like orange julius brand smoothie you're doing that's the best that you might not know this about me but i was actually a fruit and veggie juicer at a vegetarian restaurant here in toronto called fresh for four full years four years where i was training people how to be a juicer yeah whoa so i know how to make really good juices and uh yeah we had this really uh uh gourmet chef here called sucer lee graham do you have an overheard i do i do and uh

i apologize to chris but this cannot wait um uh i saw a guy writing at chris lock world on twitter if you want to hear the rest of this story um i saw two gentlemen riding on their bikes and having like a conversation like two cyclists will do it's super loud and everybody can hear it just to get over the sound of bikes in the city and whatever hot bikes in the city one of the guys said i want to spend more time in the water so we all have to be comfortable in the water so this is a pep talk i guess he was giving to his family like he's gonna go in the water so everybody better jump yeah it is weird when you're the only one that jumps in right did they just watch jaws they might have just watched jaws or paranormal activity there's no pool oh there is a pool in the third one nice pull it off does the

ghost go in the pool and yank people out no but uh they've got like a little pool cleaner that somehow gets up on the on the dry land by itself you guys ever yank yourself out no no dave this isn't this kind of podcast remember when dan akroyd got a ghost bj and ghostbusters hell yeahaced my whole life around it. And then they made a different movie to ruin my childhood, but my childhood was great because Dan Aykroyd got a ghost BJ. And then he made a vodka called Ghost BJ Vodka. Now, we also have overheard sent in to us from people all over the map.

If you want to send one in, send it to sby at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Tori in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. A woman took a deep breath and said to someone else at her table, I don't know. I just feel like I won't be able to relax until we're done with this space jam for good. That's where you're wrong. You can never let your guard down. There will always be more space jam.

That's right. I mean, I am going to see it. I'm not going to pay to go to the theater, but I am definitely going to watch the new space jam. Just to punish myself for past wrongs or something i never saw the original no uh wayne knights in it he plays a ref uh it was it was came out in the like i felt like i was too old i was a you know a teenager i didn't want to watch cartoon it's also it's weird because michael jordan wasn't an actor and the first acting gig he got would have been like the hardest job of any actor just acting to nothing in a green screen

world so like he just did one and he did the hardest one possible and you know what he killed it so uh maybe he'll have a cameo in the next coming on with lebron james and we hope the tasmanian devil if he's out of prison in time oh my god graham always does these weird like i love you messages to the tasmanian devil i got him tattooed on my uh tramp stamp and i gotta ride this out for the rest of my life um you have him tattooed on your tramp stampzoid. Because you want him to watch himself. While he's going to town. Yes. This is because I love you.

This next one comes from. Brayden. I was sitting in a cafe this morning. There were a group of people. Sitting around a table behind me. The topic of applying for jobs comes up, and one of the girls says, I've been applying for jobs. My resume is amazing.

I look so good on paper, but then in person, I'm an entire piece of shit. It's valuable to know that about yourself going into an interview. I never have thought I look good on a resume me neither I like I'm like shocked by how many spelling mistakes are in it and jobs that I made up that I never had and on my resume I say I'm an entire piece of shit

so if you're still interested read the rest of this resume I've been a juicer for six years tell the finisher story yeah yeah i want to know about this gourmet chef no it's okay you played that silence like a pro uh so this next one the last one is uh from lisa in tennessee i was walking a trail that has a few troll sculptures along the path i had just passed one when a man in front of me suddenly stopped grabbed the woman's arm next to him and said should we take a picture of its feet you know for mom

and the mother quentin tarantino yeah she loves troll feet he loves troll feet he doesn't discriminate he loves all feet yeah that's why he's the man of the future although i don't boy i wouldn't know an ugly foot if i saw it like can quinn tarantino tell the difference between a good foot and a bad foot i don't know like you know uh like like he puts feet in all his movies but are they beautiful feet and he's just like a connoisseur yeah i think so they're all pretty good feet like there's no like one that's missing a toe or bashed in or whatever has like you know weird fat deposits on it or something like that they're all pretty

smooth they're pretty good looking do you have good feet no no i got like hobbit feet chris what's your foot situation um i think i have good feet because i've been with a few chicks that suck on them really hard. The harder they suck, the better they are. Yeah. Calm has come out of my feet. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Here we go. No, let's not. Why? Who listens to this that you're afraid of? The Pope, for one. Yeah. The two Popes. Yeah.

The Pope's a good guy. You're sticking up for the Pope these days? Yeah, man. He can slam dunk any time. Yeah, he's a mean harmonica. Oh, I got him confused with John Popper. John Popper. My toes.

Here's a little fact about my feet. Are you guys barefoot right now? Yeah. No, I'm wearing a pair of my dad's Argyle socks. I'm dressing up like you, you daddy while you're not home don't worry you're always there's always your presence my toes my index toe and my middle toe are longer than my big toe yeah that's disgusting yeah do you have them like do they grab on the end of a flip-flop or like do they curl under are you dexterous with it can you pick things up do your feet walk but those two toes they dangle to and fro do they pull like they pull your foot forward before you

take a step yeah yeah yeah um they are they're not much longer but i've been told that uh they look like uh tree frog steps oh wow that's kind of cool yeah that means if you can climb up a tree better than the rest of us that's awesome um boy i can't but not barefoot oh kids would though right did you do it when you were a kid i guess i don't remember did you play as a kid or were you i always had shoes i always had shoes on okay when you were a kid you were like pretty busy right didn't have time to play yeah i was thinking like i don't know what I did as a kid Because my kids are like I try to send my kids to camps But I didn't go to camps when I was 6

I did You did? Yeah I went to camp, sang songs Yeah I went to like a YMCA Like kids day camp When I was really young I think my parents, they needed a break Oh yeah we all need

a break yeah but break me off a keith for that hip-hop bar a keith of that piss numbers that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one. Ugh. SpyPod one. Like these people have. Wow. Anything can happen on Halloween. Your dog could turn into a cat. There may be a toad in your bass guitar. Or your sister could turn into a bat. Oh, yeah. That's right. There may be a toad in your bass guitar. your sister could turn into a bat. Oh yeah, that's right.

There may be a toad in your bass guitar. That's classic Halloween. My sister's now a bat. Holy shit. Okay, let's do the real overheards. That was a fake one. It was good though. I'm glad. Tim Curry rules. Right? Everybody knows it.

Everyone knows now since i you know who kind of has a resemblance to tim curry um my friend and comedian michael belazzo who no yeah sometimes people have said that to him i don't really and you're reinforcing it here on the podcast i don't see it now it's just inspiring your listeners to go and check and see and then also listen to Evil Men, our podcast. Yes, listen to Evil Men all the time. Imagine Tim Curry with sideburns. And also try to figure out who James Harden looks like.

Yeah. Generic man. Here we go. Hi, Dave Graham and guests this is emily from camp of florida um i was on a plane uh a few days ago and while we were all sitting down um and everybody was finding their seats and stuff there was this one lady who just could not find her seat and so she asked the flight attendant for help

and the flight attendant said oh yeah sure i'll look it up what's what's your last name and the lady said okay it's fallow uh f is in fart a is in whatever the flight attendant just kind of stifled her laugh with like a oh i can't say i've heard that one before um off i go uh she said chart then no f as in fart oh f is in fire i thought she said s is in chart uh either way uh yeah yeah i can't think of another f word i can't find my seat on this dang plane by the way my name is fart my name starts with boy f as in fart not s as in chart people get us mixed up My name starts with F as in fart, not S as in shark. People get us mixed up.

All right, here's your next one. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Duncan from New York with an overheard. I was walking down the street in the middle of the day, and this kind of weirdly sexy shirtless, probably homeless guy was sitting on a, a card divider, uh, in the street. And he would started yelling to his friend.

Yo, I went to Victoria's secret and I took my dick out and I all took pictures. And his friend goes, that's not good. It's not good. It's great. Right. Yeah. Everybody got his picture taken. He was probably in the newspaper. Okay, off I go. It's not good, it's great, right? Everybody got his picture taken. He was probably in the

newspaper. Everyone was asking to have their picture taken with his dick. I don't like my parents. I love them. Yeah, I mean, don't do that. Anybody out there that's contemplating it. Yeah, don't go to Victoria's Secret. Yeah, go to Markswork Warehouse.

They'll like it down there. They'll think it's cool and woodsy. Mine is woodsy because it's covered in bark. Okay, here's your final phone call. Oh, everybody. Anything can happen on Halloween. Hey, Dave, Graham, and possible guests. This is Carrie from Brooklyn. anything can happen on halloween hey dave graham impossible guest this is carrie from brooklyn calling with an overheard courtesy of the pool where i saw a little kid trying to get his dad's attention while he was talking to someone else outside of the pool and after a little bit of just saying dad over and over, he said, dad, look, I'm drowning.

Thanks. Talk to you later. Well, no, I won't. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Oh, jeez. The best. The best.

Yeah. I love you. Wait, no. Thank you, daddy. I mean, sorry. Oh, man, that was good's good yeah that's fun um so that brings us to the end of the podcast chris you can be found uh goofing around every week with your pals uh james and mark uh every week or mike sorry not mark uh yeah Is it every week? Mark Balazzo. Mark Balazzo. Different guy. Mark Balazzo.

Mark as in Fark. These are weekly. Yeah. Mike Balazzo, James Harden, and I do Evil Men and it's a hit. We're only four episodes out and people are raving about it,

about it, sending us DMs, all kinds of nice stuff. Rate and review it on iTunes, all that stuff. And I have my weekly podcast called Happy Good. Happy Good. That is a half hour, quote unquote, guided meditation with beautiful music in the background by Drew Smith. But really, it's just nonsense and you relax.

Is that Drew Smith from the bicycles? Yeah. He makes the music and it's really beautiful and he's brilliant and I riff and say nonsense and it's a lot of fun. Sounds like a lot of fun. Both podcasts are out on the Sonar Network.

Get it. These are both podcasts without guests? Well, Evil Men is, yeah, Happy Good is just a half hour with me literally talking to you and um evil men is gonna have maybe guests rarely but they will be very special and we just recorded one with a special guest the other day and i can't give it away but it's coming out soon it's gonna be great he said give it away it's anthony kitas um it's key it's our tissue that's great you if you're gonna do a podcast without guests

you've got to figure it out yeah no offense um and uh thanks so much for being on the show chris this was like a this was a metric ton of fun yeah thanks for having me it was glad i'm glad to be back it's been a while and uh nice to even see you guys on the little zoom squares and don't watch a scary movie tonight because you're there alone in a big house yeah what are you gonna do after this i don't know i got it chapter two paused right there ready to continue i don't know you're gonna do it have you seen it have you seen it before no no have you seen it one i did but it's like i know the movies aren't that good so they kind of like put them on and also do other stuff you know yeah read the book along with it yeah um well thanks so much everybody out there for

listening uh you know what have a great summer get a surfboard and if you can't afford a surfboard uh get in your friend's jeep and uh drive around the city shooting fireworks in the air and come on back next week for another episode of stop by guys yourself so MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.