Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 703 - Andy Haynes

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

Comedian Andy Haynes returns to talk subscriptions, The Leftovers, and new cars.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 703 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who can't contain his excitement about the new Drake album, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, Drake. I'll be honest. Don't really consider him an album artist. I know I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. Not maybe I'm wrong. I'm wrong yeah i'm not maybe i'm wrong i'm wrong people think i'm wrong but i just want i want two songs a year from you drake well you're getting them you're getting both of his you're getting double barrel songs and i'll like yeah i love the two

songs i get yeah i don't want you know 75 minutes of that it's a big album it is a big album yeah and this is the first video is already great he's incorporated the great work of right side fred um it's uh it's going places and our guest today very funny comedian he has his own podcast called find your beach it's andy haynes everybody hi hello how are you do you guys get the day off from work every time a drake album comes out is that yeah we do that's great the flags fly at extra mast they add more mast yeah um should we get to know us andy andy since the last time you were here you got you got hitched i did get hitched and what was tell us about the ceremony we did it um it was kind of a perfect

pandemic marriage we uh we did it in washington square park which you guys uh would know from the large white arc kind of the arctic triumph yeah yeah um and uh we did it kind of like pop-up style like we just showed up and we had an officiant and we just asked the cops if we could have a wedding um and they were like they said we don't care do whatever you want i don't get paid enough to bust up a marriage. Yeah, exactly. And then they just, we did our wedding and it was like people from all over the park came and joined the kind of group of people. So all of a sudden we had like a giant crowd and then a kind of mentally ill, I'm guessing

houseless person gave my wife a piece of art. That was sweet. And then we went to the comedy cellar and had cake. That sounds great. Yeah. You're recording from your home right now. Is that correct? I am.

Yes. You're in front of what looks like a blank wall um you could be anywhere really yeah yeah why don't i see this piece of art on the wall yes well we just moved we just moved okay and uh my wife is very particular about design um they are they always are these ladies and their their blogs uh you think you think before you get married you think she's really easygoing about design yeah and then once you get married you realize oh oh yeah all the complimenting colors she's a design head you know yeah oh no what's this year's pantone i do i do want to uh go back to the wedding real

quick because i i forgot to tell you guys a funny anecdote which is that the day before the wedding or like a couple days before the wedding um we went to look at where we were going to get married and right where we had planned the wedding somebody had written in chalk all the names of the victims of police brutality yeah that'll bring down like um we can't get married on these names like two white people can't right stand on and then there was a a rainstorm it was like god came through for us yeah yeah and then you asked the police and they were like well you're white people you can get you can do whatever you want here except most of our wedding party was black so that was kind of you know maybe there was some progress yeah this is what do you want uh

you want a parade yeah i would like some kind of i know black people too i want a sash i want i want a goddamn sash ally um uh how do if it's not too personal question how did you propose um it actually was pretty uneventful and i thought it was like the third day of quarantine and uh my my i i knew i was gonna do something and so i got takeout and i got my wife really likes tiramisu and so i got tiramisu and i was like oh i'll get a little takeout box and i'll put the ring in there and then um we were watching eternal sunshine and the spotless mind very romantic film uh i was like do you want dessert and then she was like yeah and so i bring out the tiramisu and then i have a tiny little box and i'm like oh and they gave us some sauce for the tiramisu and she was like tiramisu doesn't come with sauce and i was like what do you mean i don't know like it's they got some like cherry sauce i don't know just open the fucking box

jesus christ why don't you just why don't you just not be analytical for one goddamn second it was for racha yeah yeah graham do you know what tiramisu is yeah i've had a tiramisu i've had it too but i could not really tell you no if i was pressed to come up with a tiramisu does it have cheese in it i think is it mascarpone cheese and is that a cheese yeah it's that stuff where they call it cheese. And you're like, I wish you would have called that whipped cream. Yeah. It's that kind of thing. It's kind of a half pudding, half cake, you know?

Yeah, with little cookies in it. Is that right? Yeah, but the cookies are soaked in brandy. Soaked in booze, yeah. Ooh, nice. That's fun. So I think that they're kind of mushy by the time you get to them. So it's good you didn't put the ring in the tiramisu because that would have, for sure,

ended up cracking somebody's, you know, front teeth or something like that. Yeah. You know who else is soaked in brandy? I don't know. Did Kobe Bryant date her? I forget. Oh, Jesus. Yes, they did.

He went to her prom. Well, if there was a famous more famous person who dated brandy than they well fine what a weird i'm just remembering that ray j is brandy's brother and he brought the kardashians into the world oh so how so like was the producer of the show or sex tape oh sex tape he's a producer of a small show innocent he was the he was the co-star of the sex tape yeah that's good that was uh that was a nice memory for them i think of oj simpson as bringing the kardashians into the world because robert kardashian that i i when kim became famous i knew i remembered the name robert from the oj case yeah if not all of us are such law heads like you yeah we don't watch court well it was a yeah it was a real obscure

case as soon as the podcast is over dave's gonna be right back at the tv watching his favorite cases gonna head down to the legal library and look at the precedents that were there any precedents that came down while i was recording um andy one thing i know about you you love soccer you love i do i do love soccer yeah uh a couple of really big stories in the soccer world lately you know i could ask you about messi i could ask you about ronaldo but what i really want to ask is hey have you heard the second season of ted lasso's not as good as the first you know i i did hear that and it's probably because i reached out to them and i said hey i used to work for you uh let me write for your stupid show and they did not reply and so i cursed

them i went to haiti and i got a budone witch um no i don't you know what to be honest i i have not seen the lasso i love everybody involved uh for the most part there's some people in the writer's room that i wouldn't mind uh seeing falter but uh there's that voodoo again yeah but uh no i i i really like oh i i need to watch it i actually like re-upped my apple subscription which i've never watched i paid for it yeah and i just was like i'm not gonna watch i i tried to watch you just want to support apple and their endeavors yeah i had the choice between kind of doing like a you know like a mutual fund for like community relief or maybe like an environmental thing and then i was like you know i really love my cell phone and my computer and my earpods and my tablet you know and i was like i'm giving back you know yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're yeah yeah i had i had uh i bought

something i guess my phone last year and they gave me uh like six months free three months free of apple tv uh and i uh never watched it once and then when i was i was like okay well i'll remember the date to cancel this and then they send me an email saying hey we've decided to extend your free trial and i was like great okay uh and then i didn't remember the date and have been paying for it for months without watching it. I remember that I got it at first because I'm in the WGA. And so I was like, oh, look at me. I'm fancy. And then a week later, AT&T or somebody was like,

hey, you get free Apple. And I was like, oh, this isn't exclusive anymore. It sucks now that it's the general public i have a subscription to the new york times that i forgot that i have until every end of the month and it shows up on my credit card that's pricey that's a price if if you leave they will beg you to come back and give you such a sweet deal because i'm not on the sweet deal yet i have a cheap one which i only yeah i i also have a subscription to just the crossword puzzle which is cost twice as much as my subscription to the entire newspaper that's actually the whole reason i have it is really for the crossword

yeah like yeah it's more expensive to get just the crossword than to get the the physical paper delivered so yeah yeah i would get a subscription to the new yorker if to get just the crossword than to get the physical paper delivered. So yeah. Yeah. I would get a subscription to the New Yorker if it was just the cartoons. That would be an investment I would make. But I feel like you could do that. Probably. Right.

They've got different tiers. Andy, do you do the crossword every day? I do. I do it on my phone. Yeah. What do you what day does it get too hard for you and what is a three-letter word for bovine thursday yeah thursday is definitely like thursday friday is when i start turning on the auto the auto check

and it's like it asks you this question where it's like are you sure you want to do auto check and it's like jesus man like you do you want to do auto check? And it's like, Jesus, man, like you, do you want all, do you want, you know, when you're done this, do you want to have a yellow square or a blue square?

Do you want to have a streak of perfect, it's such a high off of that multiple day yellow square. I feel like I'm such a genius. And then Sunday comes around and it's big. So you think it's hard, but it's actually easier answers yeah my parents used to do the paper one in the 90s and they this was before you could like like you wouldn't know if you had the right answer or not you would just be like this doesn't seem to fit and they would be like dave can you me, do you know this movie that is being referenced in the news in the crossword puzzle?

And I'd be like, there's an entire movie database on the Internet. Yeah, it's Indiana Jones and the and the last. We don't know. It's kids these days. Do you guys do a paper one ever or is it all phone all the time? I'll do the paper in the back of the airplane magazine, although I think that stopped being a thing. I think they stopped making airplane magazines.

Oh, no, that's not true. In Canada, we've got, what is it called? Unroot is our- I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I don't even know. Am I allowed in your country right now? Yeah.

Are you vaxxed? Yeah. Yeah, get up here. Get up here, Will. Get up here. Come on.xxed yeah yeah get up here yeah get up here we'll get up here come on i'm gonna fly up just to get that en route magazine i'll save someone's from the calgary herald a bunch of crosswords from the calgary herald they'll send in the we're not allowed in your country but i sure know a lot of people who seem to make it across wait really because i see a lot of canadians like comics that are kind of going back and forth you can fly you can fly you need a uh like a negative covid test result which costs like 200

bucks can we drive into your country or do we have to you can you can drive up we can't drive down wow can we smuggle one of you back yeah absolutely it's encouraged they weigh your car and see if it has two or three people in it um yeah have you haven't been across any border during the pandemic or have you i've been to mexico uh okay but i flew was that a honeymoon that was a honeymoon i went to tulum and i uh tulum is like if venice beach fucked miami and um like we'd be eating breakfast and there would be like a girl in a thong like on the edge of the infinity pool like lifting her ass out of the water for an

instagram picture and you're just trying to eat like acai granola you know there's just there's just drum and bass playing while you're like oh that's weird that that lady's butt is so wet isn't it honey anyways this is a right pick for our honeymoon it was actually funny because i had this bit where we'd go down to the beach and whenever i saw a topless girl i would like tell my wife i'd tap her and i'd go like hey she she looks like she needs help and so i'd go and i'd feign like i was gonna go up and talk to her and then my wife after like the fourth one just took off her top and she was like two can play this game and then just walked up to this literal weightlifting area that was next to the

beach and just started talking to the guys without a shirt on i was like man she really doubled down like you you've been in the small bed and she just said all in yeah yeah she she totally floored me she was like leaning down to pet a dog i was like are you fucking kidding me oh man well you're right your wife rules i can tell just by this one anecdote yeah she owns she owned me i uh one time i was in new york and there was all these very fit men stretching in the park and so i took off my shirt and started stretching and as i was doing that anderson cooper walked by that's awesome yeah and he very much saw it and you know because he's always taken in the world from all different angles and so yeah 360 exactly that rocks i remember i remember doing comedy with you in new york the first time i moved here that's right i thought you were gonna say i remember doing comedy with you in new york the first time i moved here that's right i thought you were gonna say i remember doing comedy with anderson cooper

we came up together yeah me and anderson we used to hit the mics he was more political he was more serious yeah he would just get up and do the news you know yeah he's more of a truth teller kind of like i love the idea of news anchors have like an open mic circuit that they have to work their way up like who can read the news the best and people are people are in the audience are like that's like a that's like a killing you're killing when somebody's like when someone's just scratching their chin can you believe this like i got a bunch of can you believe this yeah did you see this oh we also i don't know if you guys heard about this we had a hurricane

the other night yeah they always show pictures whenever there's a hurricane of water cascading into the subway system that seems to be that's actually also a new ride that's a new ride that the city of because the new york flume yeah yeah you can you can go down in the subway and it's kind of a water park slash um germ bath you know you can take like a germ bath um it's the opposite of inoculating your children and uh no but i was i was on one of these moving jobs i told you guys before the pod that i i pick up moving jobs sometimes and i was was driving back from Pittsburgh and we drove through the storm, but it just seemed like a lot of rain. And we drove through some small towns in Western Pennsylvania that were like flooded, but they were like kind of like trailer park towns. And so I was like, oh, they're probably always flooded. Those people are awful. You know, I had no sympathy for them whatsoever because of how they voted. And then, but when I came back, we couldn't get back into the city. We had to sleep in New Jersey because like literally one of the underpasses on the freeway was just water.

Oh, wow. And then like you had to sleep in a town that you revile, that you to stay in in jersey and uh make nice with that city yeah we had to we had to put on our uh our jersey disguises we didn't want them to know that we were liberal elites you know that can always be dangerous and what does a jersey disguise look like just for our listeners um kind of like a like a bowling shirt but it's it's it's nicer like kind of a like a silk or satin bowling shirt uh i always carry a bracelet kind of like a loud uh gold bracelet and then um you know slick your back, put on a gold chain, chest hair merkin, and I get mad about

holidays. You know, like I'm like, people don't celebrate holidays anymore. I gotta do that. They're trying to steal the holidays from us. Yeah, they're trying to take away all our holidays. What's next? Are we gonna start letting turkeys vote?

You know, and then i yes and everybody was like you must be one of us you part of the family you you can never leave they just yeah yeah actually to escape it was it was quite quite perilous oh yeah they say escape from new york is tough but new jersey escape from new york talk about friday afternoon traffic um this is you had the news open mike oh man he's i swear to god he went local and then he went sports and then he went into weather i mean it was seamless did human interest at the end local human interest piece and he made it interesting oh man that's good oh i would love that i especially would love the human interest

comedian yeah who's in the end it's like you know gives you two minutes on george has been uh you know bagging groceries at this store for 75 years what a waste of life that's the gotcha like i wanted to make this um this sketch for a long time that was like who let the dogs out and it was a human interest piece about a guy who was going around letting people's dogs out but it would start with like a montage like cut up with the song like who let the dogs out and then it would just show dogs like running and then it would be like but the question is who really did let the dogs out you know and then it would go into this guy who's like goes around and lets dogs out. Anyways. I like it.

I like it. I like a wasted life a lot more. Let's fund it. Yeah, we're going to fund this. We're going to fund your dog piece. Yeah, we're going to. Thank you. Unfortunately, it'd be Canadian money, so you'll...

Yeah. By the way, we want 50% ownership of this. Definitely. We're going to treat this as a shark tank that's right can we get crave involved is there a chance we can get crave involved oh yeah oh you've been talking to your canadian friends i'm hip i got a vpn yeah yeah yeah this you want the the only good thing about crave is that it has an amalgam of things of stations we don't really get. So it's our catch-all.

Although Ted Lasso is not on it. No, I think that's on Apple. Yes, that's right. And I only have Apple to the end of the month. You should watch it. I should watch Greyhound. You know what I'm watching, which is actually pretty good, is Tehran.

What is that? It's about a Mossad agent that gets stuck in Tehran. Is this Apple? Yes, it is. Is it a movie? Or is it a limited version? It's a series.

I should get Apple. Yeah. I should cancel my subscription to the new york times pick up a subscription to uh apple and also be constantly surprised whenever adobe sends me a bill for using their suite of i uh yeah i only have the new york times because i want to read four articles a month instead of three i get i get the sunday delivered to my house and i always do this like excited thing on sunday mornings where i like i collate it in the perfect order that i want to read it and then i read the front section and then for the rest of the week i look at the massive pile of news like this chore that i can't finish i'm like oh i gotta i gotta get through this it's not news anymore

no no by monday look i still i'm still i got arts and leisure sunday styles and the the the sunday review the the op-ed section i still gotta if you weren't on a handheld mic if you had your mic in a mic stand right now i would ask you to we we would go through the sunday style section yeah well i'm sorry i send it to us we'll yeah just fax me that yeah do you guys i'll just i'll mail it up to you guys we can do a little pen pal thing you guys send me en route i'll send you new york times that sounds fair yes yeah en route being a weekly publication hey did you guys did you guys catch this week's en route magazine do you i i still get a couple of magazines in the mail but i uh don't get magazines like i can't imagine buying a magazine off the rack like just

like a impulse purchase like god when am i gonna make an hour of my life to go through this magazine yeah i buy i i liked having the new yorker delivered like i loved having piles of new yorkers i felt like they were good yeah but there's this magazine called monocle they only sell it in like airports and um it's just like world business travel fashion and it's like you know it'll be like riga latvia is really coming into its fold and then i'll like for some reason i get like hyped on it and it's like check out the new business class from lufthansa airlines like it's it's for guys that work in like textiles you know like they go over to italy a lot and they like you know they pick the right tile and i'm just for some reason i'm like this is me i'm very much

like this yeah i'm one of these this is finally the magazine for me i'm always going to the business lounge at Tokyo Hokkaido Airport. You know? The magazines, I've been to business lounges. I would get an upgrade to a business lounge once a year. And it would be, there would be a bunch of free magazines that I'd never heard of. Yeah. It would be like Canada of free magazines that i'd never heard of yeah it would be like canada's style magazine sharp which property brother are you yeah and there's zoomer you only ever see

zoomer in those uh those lounges the this what is it the magazine for baby boomers or something like that for boomers yeah i actually was just i'm you know it's funny you say this because i i actually bought an annual membership to the sky miles lounge and they have magazines in there that i've never seen in my life yeah they had a magazine that was called like um it was called like fast boat it was just like a boat magazine but it was like it was just like speed boats yeah but that's like probably a really good business model if you're if you want to be in publishing if you want to do a magazine like we don't have to sell every we don't have to sell any copies but we'll tell our advertisers that everyone who reads your magazine will be in first somebody that's elite and also it makes it more

elite if you go in and there's magazines you've never heard of because anybody can have time magazine it's at the grocery store you know but speedboat speed boat times what was it fast boat fast boats yeah fast boats um yeah it's an actual swift boat yeah fast boat is actually uh uh tracy chapman's redoing her classic song for climate change we got a fast boat i can't see the street that i'm on did you uh are you above the the main floor where you are you did you avoid the hurricane well yeah i mean i was in a completely different um state oh right but my wife but you're home my wife was at a show and they had to cancel the show halfway through because water started to

come into the door um and she had to like wait out to to get she had to like wait out to get her uber like her uber was like up a block and she had to go through like knee high oh jesus hold on one second guys my my computer needs to be plugged in so when i lean down like this i'm not actually leaving but i'll still be right here okay all right oh my god he's gone he's gone he's gone you guys i'm right here oh shit okay oh god oh fuck oh fuck is he gonna come back do you think he's ever coming back i mean no he's dead he died he drowned i'm coming back oh i miss andy so much you guys there he is do you remember andy that guy ruled um um uh i did i got a subscription to what the air canada lounge and it's just done like it just was for the year 2020 and it's there's no refund there's no like pay it forward it's just like you paid for 2020 and that's it you're out that sucks it does suck it does suck

i heard that i heard that um canadian airlines were like way more um transparent about disclosing um covid cases like because like in the states they'd be like nobody's getting covid on airplanes so we got filters and all this stuff right and then phil hanley was telling me he was like air canada saying that like three people every flight are getting covet or something like that right and you know you can't trust phil hanley who knows what's going on he's in big covet's pocket everyone knows it yeah but also he's maybe the germ germiest germaphobe i've ever met and might be yeah how are you following every germ germaphobe and a grateful dead fan that's a real i don't know if you've

ever been to a grateful dead show but it's pretty gross yeah exactly but there were like i yeah every week we were i remember in the news it would give an update of like these flights had people with covet on them. Yeah. But it wasn't necessarily people got COVID on the flights. Yeah. But it wasn't not. You know, they can't rule it out.

Nope, it wasn't not. Speaking of... How many tests did you get? Have you had? I mean, it's got to be 40, maybe. Really? Because I did some filming stuff while I was. Oh, shit.

So I had to like, you know, you'd have to get tested three days before and then the day before and then the day of. And did you get no style or gargle? No style. Yeah. I did get one antibodies test, which is blood. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. So really, is it up in the double digits that you? I did get one antibodies test, which is blood. Oh Jesus. Um, yeah.

So really is it, is it up in the double digits that you, Oh yeah. Yeah. Cause I, I, I shot like two or three kind of one-off standup or Sam J had a show that was kind of like a,

it was like hanging out in a house and the camera moved around and got like conversations. But, uh uh those were all like you had to take a couple tests over the course of a week to do oh shit okay and then also like every time you feel sick you gotta go take a test because like you gotta see and also it's very easy to get a test here it's free like you can just walk into any uh clinic and just be like i need a covid test yeah we've got the we've it's all free and done up but yeah if we go to if you're trying to get one just to go travel then you you gotta pay for it what uh yeah 40 40 seems high i had i had one uh but I don't

interact with people I guess I eat kick cereal and their kid tested it mother approved yeah so that's worth I'm like you know that movie Crash except for swabs I get horny for swabs

so they're like you again why did you what happened now I couldn't tell which crash you were talking about. That's actually, we would kind of do that for like a date. Like me and my wife, we'd be like, like after, after dinner, we go, do you want to go get a test? Let's go get a test. You know, like that. Yeah.

Like I've got an itch in the back, back of my face and it needs to be, the only thing is for that Q-tip to get in there. Do you want some tiramisu and maybe a swab yeah that's how i proposed um i had them stick a swab up her nose and when they pulled it out there was a ring on it uh that's very good uh yeah it's very good very very good uh what uh that thing with the camera roaming around i think they did that for the first time was like, uh, Hugh Hefner had a show like that called like playboy after dark. Oh, I remember that show. He just wandered around and be like,

Oh, here's Bob Newhart. And then Bob Newhart would do like a couple of jokes. And then he'd be like, I'm on the phone. Do you mind? There's actually, there's actually like,

if you go to YouTube and you look that show up, there's some amazing, like there's like Jack Kerouac reading poetry reading poetry and Nina Simone playing at the piano. Back in the day, they used to have actual talented people come on to late night television. They had Jack Kerouac doing beer pong and Nina Simone doing dark. Nina Simone was doing a name thatok dance and it was good it was it was good nina simone uh she she'd start to play like a melody and uh jimmy fallon would have to guess would have to do the dance yeah yeah that time is over i rosebud the other day was playing uh

is it levon helm is that his name the guy on helm from the band yeah yeah he he went on letterman in like the 90s or the early 2000s and uh he just talked about how he had like he had like two months to live oh and they they just had like a very like it was like a beautiful segment but also it was very funny and like kind of deep but like can you imagine like james corden trying to talk to levon helm about dying in a few weeks yeah it's i think on letterman as well warren zeevon was on after he got his... I think that's who I'm talking about. It's Warren Zevon.

Yeah, yeah. That's who I'm talking about. Zevon Helm. Yeah. And his big advice was, he said, you know, if you could tell people one thing about how to live your life, and he said, enjoy every sandwich. So it's pretty good. I also remember him saying something.

Why do we both remember things about Warren Zevon Dye? But he knew that the date of his death was going to be after the James Bond movie where Halle Berry wears a bikini came out. He was like, well, I still get to see that. Yeah. Oh, man. How mad would he be if he found out that monster monster's ball was coming out a couple months later um what do you think that's a different kind of nudity it is that's true yeah it's not really like you gotta be you gotta be pretty you gotta be in the mood for that pretty dead inside to be like this is hot you know finally

something for me um the uh uh what do you think the last movie do you feel like uh roger ebert like what was his last film it was probably something stupid right it was probably like the clumps too or something and like he you know he just went to every movie so i wonder yeah i wonder major league three it doesn't quite have the magic of yeah or like yeah what was the one where there was eddie murphy's head was driving around oh yeah what was that inside meet dave meet dave that's right there was a driving uh like a hot dog mobile but was Eddie Murphy's head they drove it around the states and that's true I totally missed that one yeah

seek it out yeah I haven't seen it but google it what if the last movie he reviewed was just Requiem for a dream and he just couldn't he's just just like couldn't like talk about it he was like stuck he's yeah just it's really gross inside yeah i don't even want to put my hand up i think that's the one movie

that i i thought was fantastic and i would never recommend anybody ever see you know there's a lot of those movies where you're like great movie never want to see it again yeah like terrible terrible things happen in this movie but it's so well made that uh you know you want to you want to tell people it's good but that's like all the new a24 films for the most part they're just like uh this this is going to be one of the most uncomfortable horror movies you ever see it's just going to be like a woman like she's going to be like pulling her cuticles down to her wrist slowly while she like hums an irish song and then you're just gonna be like i i gotta i gotta throw up i gotta throw up and then never see it was great but i never i don't even want to see it

a movie again was that was fucked up the same movie because there was one that i watched it was about a woman who thought she was communicating with god and god was telling her to do these like so oh that's called saint ma it's fucking awesome yeah but it's like that is a rough rough movie but it was great it was great but i would never recommend it to anybody yeah you wouldn't be like you gotta watch this you gotta you gotta ruin a date you really gotta you know you gotta make your wife not want to have sex with you and it's not like jump scares it's like these really slow you know like jump scares at least they're fun you both do it together but yeah yeah yeah yeah you're not like that you're like i just have a stomach ache i just i kind of feel sick yeah why do they make

movies like that yeah that's yeah i just want to have fun i'm just here to understand how you like because we all know like we all understand the concept of like pitching yeah how does somebody like that they go in and they're like all right so get this it's a family all right and they're like just a normal family except some kind of external force is tearing them apart but it's tedious it's real tedious and minute and it's just it just grows it's like a building pressure and you don't even know if it's real and it's just like you're pitching it in a basement with like a not at high enough ceiling to even stand up straight you've got like this is our production office yeah exactly like we like the weird stuff that's what we're gonna do andy uh what's the movie you've seen the most

that's good i was talking about this the other day i um i think it's like if it's like the movie that was like on cassette in my basement as a kid it's either like footloose or chitty chitty bang bang because those were like the two that we had in the vcr cabinet but now it's either it's like heat zodiac or tinker taylor soldier spy really what's the what's the review uh what's so good about watching that one over and over again it's just really well done i like john le carre yeah i've when i i thought i would love tinker taylor soldier spy i watched it once i didn't really stick with me but it seemed like the vibe of it seemed like something i would love yeah it's just it's right up my wheelhouse like my favorite genre is like like kind of soviet era spy thriller you know right and i don't i don't want like you know

like a guy that knows kung fu that's not what i want like i don't want like that i want like you know real real minute yeah did you evering uh what was the tom hanks one oh the yeah i didn't see it is it good it's very it's very minute it's all about how he brought the wrong coat everyone keeps telling him it's not that coat's not gonna keep you warm isn't uh paul rudd one of the characters? I don't think so. Maybe. I don't, it doesn't, I don't remember it. He plays Yogi Berra, right? He plays Yogi Berra and they win, they win the pennant and Russia commits perestroika.

Right? That's how it goes? They commit perestroika. They committed five acts of glass nose um i'll take another glass nose that's what i say to my that's what i say to my russian beer tender um dave what's is it moneyball is moneyball your moneyball's mine yeah yeah but that's a great movie but like never finish it. Who is, who's the director of Moneyball? The same guy who did The Big Short, isn't it?

No. That's wrong. I don't know. It's the same writer. They're both adapted from Michael Lewis books. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't actually know. Adam McKay directed The Big Short. I don't think he had anything to do with Moneyball.

It's funny. I haven't even, I don't think he had anything to do with Moneyball. It's funny. I haven't even, I don't even care. You just love it that much. Because the pacing on Moneyball is really brilliant. It's, I almost think it's Denis Villeneuve or whatever. it's Bennett Miller.

Oh, fuck that guy. That sounds like the name of a guy who would have directed Moneyball though. Bennett? Yeah. That's who you're going to give that job to. Uh, he did,

uh, Capote. Oh yeah. Okay. gonna give that job to uh he did uh capote oh yeah okay he did that uh george uh george clooney nespresso commercial that's my favorite rewatch that's what i put on that's actually that's the movie i've seen the most yeah anything since foxcatcher oh foxcatcher was so bad it was documentary is really good documentary is great and it was like i don't know why movies think after documentary is a big hit that they're like but what if we tell oh yeah same did you ever see the joseph gordon levitt as the french guy going walking between the twin towers oh my god jesus christ why did they do that that horrible wig yeah you know with that documentary i really i had a man crush on the guy that got killed that main guy he was so likable

yeah like the the guy that david something uh the just like the wrestler the wrestlers there but the guy who was played by mark mark ruffalo in the movie yeah i think yeah maybe i just i loved him the whole the whole time i was watching the documentary i was like that guy's so cool i want to hang out with him like the fact that steve carell looked like grew from despicably me is very hard to unsee and sounds exactly like mark ruffalo was like a minion yeah yeah um what's your most seen movie on a regular basis i would say probably goodfellas i feel like goodfellas is always on and i always let it just be on if it's on i don't change the channel i feel like every time it comes on for me it's the it's the car helicopter scene yes like every time it like i'm in a hotel on the road and i turn on fx and it's just like

janet they're after get the get the bag janet you know and it's just like all right i'll watch this yeah yeah yeah it's uh i like it i like it at any point i'm willing to jump in at any point but if i do see it i will let it run its course um also no that's the big one i would say there's there maybe yeah for me yeah the one that comes on like money ball's never on i just i have to put it on but like back to the future one or two oh yeah i can't get out of yeah um i'll even watch three if If three shows up somewhere, then I'll watch three. If three's on, makes me wish for a fourth. But could never be.

I hope. I hope they don't make a sequel with just like Doc Brown's kids in a flying train. Actually, you know what? Jules and Vern, you've just condemned us to that. Because they did that with ghostbusters just recently they did they did and also the next ghostbusters is like drama looking thing it doesn't look like fun at all it's like it's like kids find the find the van and they're like we're gonna be ghostbusters but let's make sure we include everybody that's like a big part of it hey you every ghost gets a trophy yeah you have a limp come on

i'll fight i'll fight ghosts hunt ghosts and somebody's like i don't believe in ghosts and they're like the more the merrier yeah i mean all viewpoints are welcome yeah you believe in them or not if you don't believe you're afraid of them or not whether busting makes you feel bad or not but it's like it's i don't know the whole ghostbusters thing it's like the company that owns the rights it's just so determined to make it a thing that like the avengers or something like it's it was a good movie one time and that it spiraled out of control that's what i'm talking about there's two yeah i think we're we all we all have to see the ghostbusters one was not as good yeah i think the problem is it seems like such a great premise how come none of the movies have been like uh uh have stood the test of time

i think two has what i love about the first ghostbusters though is there's that thing where it happens in in all the movies of that era where like literally like the the city is full of ghosts and there's still like a a city bureaucrat who's like we gotta turn off the ghost machine and also like in new york it's all these people who are like they don't care about ghosts you know what i think got better things to do i'm gonna rush get out of my way ghost um yeah it's like a heroin junkie and he's like wait your turn i'm spooking here. Yeah, the first one's about bureaucracy and also a lot of Venkman's dating life.

It's a lot of him just hanging around and seducing this woman. What is her name again? He really wanted to beg Sigourney Weaver. Yeah, Sigourney Weaver, whose character was Meredith? Doctor. Doctor Claw? Doctor. Doctor Claw?

No. Doctor Time? Doctor Time. Doctor Time. But there was a lot of them just flirting, and the kids aren't interested in flirting. I mean, they will someday, but... Yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy, if we could just teach these kids to flirt yeah like let's get it in ghost movie form and then they'll they'll get into it lady doctor lady doctor dana is dana that's her name yeah there should be you know it's like dr for doctor doctor it should be drs for lady doctor doctor s i sometimes see drs does that does that mean multiple doctors or lady doctor married woman doctor yeah it means this doctor's married so don't try to talk to her because that is haram and uh you know uh yes i like this concept i uh i'm from the 50s and i like uh i'm interested in what you're pitching i'm from the 50s this uh female doctor riddle gets me every time yeah your husband has

to sign your medical certificate okay you can be a doctor. I'd like to get a second opinion from your husband. He's like a mechanic. He's like, I guess you can be a doctor, but be home for dinner. Which I'm cooking. He's like. He's sexist, but he also takes care of all the housework. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's so backwards the

way i do this but i prepared a wonderful rack of lamb god you work so hard it's your lady doctor job sit down and relax let me pour you a drink how about that um even though you know i yeah i hate it i hate this i hate how it's set up. I feel so emasculated. When did Comedienne, when did that stop? Because that was a very dumb thing for a month. 2027. Coming soon. I think it was probably like 2010.

Really? That late? I would have thought it was like 2000. Yeah, I still heard people get brought up as comedian all the time and it was like literally women i think like female comics going please stop yeah yeah please they will see that i'm a lady when i walk on stage that's i can't believe that it was that long that blows my mind because i i thought it was like if somebody complained like on a on a on a on those cards that they used

to keep on the table as a review i couldn't keep track i like the headliner but they didn't prepare me that she was gonna be a woman one second before she came on stage you have a great comedian for you oh okay now i'm ready now I'm ready. Now I'm ready. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, speaking of bureaucracy and these kinds of tropes from things, I recently started watching a show called The Leftovers. Okay. Ooh, very good. Which I watched the first season of it.

It's three seasons. I watched the first season of it when it was originally out, like in 2014, 15. And it's one of those shows that I was just like, I don't know. I don't think I'm going to keep going with this. And then in the last few years, I've just heard people say it gets so much better as you keep going. So I started watching it again, but it was so long ago and there's so many details that I was like, I can't just start at season two. I got to go right back to the beginning. And so I've been watching that.

And there's a thing that happens that is this thing that seems to happen in every cop show where it's a cop show well the main character is a policeman okay um justin theroux is a policeman who's just always having like every day he's he's just like fed up all the time sure nobody respects him like he's he's i guess he's bad at his job everyone like undermines him yeah the mayor is always like making him do stuff he doesn't want to do his family's falling apart so this guy sucks this guy one lady in white is always smoking they're always smoking the the remnant what are they called the guilty remnant yeah What are they called? The guilty remnant. Yeah, the guilty remnant's always causing trouble. They're a cult. His wife has left him to be in the cult.

The concept of the show is that all of a sudden, 2% of the people in the world disappeared. That happens all the time, though. Why make a show about that? That's stupid. I know, right? Enough. But they do this.

Someone gets murdered, and he's investigating the murder and uh one of his uh co-workers was like oh yeah we we had to call in the feds to take this murder case and justin through is so mad like no not the feds what why do local police hate the feds he clearly can't handle this he's way in way over his head he's never gonna action he's never gonna solve this thing yeah that's that is true though that's like a good trope in tvs where something fbi comes in and says you you guys could take the rest of the day off we got it from here uh martin lawrence says federales uh why don't they make that great crossover if uh if martin lawrence characters from bad boys teams up with justin thoreau from the leftovers yep and they have to stop chris tucker and jackie chan oh man what a dynamic evil duo who's in charge in that situation are they equal partners

or is that yeah yeah there's always there's always parody in that relationship that was kind of something they established in the earlier rush hours yeah they're even though like okay so jackie chan wrote most of this song we're still gonna get 50 50 on the publishing credit you know yeah he's saying theme songs of his own movies right jackie chan did yeah i wouldn't be surprised yeah he definitely did my brothers were big fans of his like uh stuff from china and there's quite a few movies he sings the the the credit song for yeah i used to love the old jackie chan movies because he was he was really goofy all his first movies was were really goofy like there was one character he did called the drunken ninja drunken ninja yeah yeah and but

then at the end of the movie and when they rolled credits they always showed you the fucked up yeah uh stunts because he did the stunts on his own and he'd always like he'd like break his leg yeah he'd just be like oh that's horrible and then he'd be like yeah the bloopers at the end of those movies are always great yeah he's doing jackie chan has only been doing serious films the last couple years they're like they're like still some violence but they're mainly like they're like vengeance yeah i think he can't do the he doesn't want to do the thing if he can't do the stunts and i don't think he could do the stunts anymore yeah because if you break something it's gonna stay broken he's probably 70 do we want to gamble on jackie shan's age uh yeah I'll give you guys 100 Canadian Bitcoin.

Oh, shit. Yeah. I'm in on that goose, it's called. What do you... Do you say 60? I say... Put in a guess. I want to say that he's...

Both of you. I'm going to say that he's... 64. I think 68. I'm going to say 73. I think 68. I'm going to say 73. 73? Holy shit. Jackie Chan age, 60.

What were your guesses again? 64. 67 is your answer. Graham wins. He's the closest. But I'm the closest I went over, so technically you win. Okay, never mind. Never mind. I'm the champion, and I've always been win as well okay never mind never mind i'm the

champion and i've always been the victor all right you'll we'll get your canadian bitcoins um goose coin you guys into goose coin are you into uh the cryptocurrency down there in the states you can't ask someone that graham because what if they are i uh i don't i all that stuff like people... I know people that have made a lot of money, but it's always so... I'm not the kind of person that can dabble in something and not have it be a distraction. If I want to get any of the stuff that I need to get done done, I have to just do that. And then I have enough work to do, like writing jokes and then trying to write stuff to

like write on tv and stuff like that right that i couldn't go down some rabbit hole of like you got to get this nft coin that i've yeah i i feel like i know some people who make their living playing poker and uh but i know that if i tried it it would be a disaster and i would lose all my money so like i think you're right you have to spend so much time figuring out what the fuck's going on i'm into crisco currency it's really slimy yeah it's slippery it's hard to hold on to that stuff that's hard to get your hands on yeah baby do you guys know so nfts are non-fungible tokens yeah i just learned what fungible means what does it mean means uh like

oh god now i'm gonna forget um like unique wait or the opposite of unique oh fungible is like something that's replaceable but non-fungible means it's unique so like one like a currency one dollar bill is as good as another dollar bill a non-fungible token this thing you have is the only thing of it right you can't is that the same with the artwork thing where it's like only one person those are nfts those are the art they the art becomes anchored to a piece of code that uh only can you know only can be sold via that code and like i can see people collecting that stuff it seems because you know i knew somebody put his uh put himself through college by selling like things he found in a video game to other video game people like if he had a sword that somebody wanted they'd make a real deal like the guy would be like i'll give

you five thousand dollars for that sword and uh yeah he paid his way through university by doing that um but yeah the i don't know it feels like i should be a part of it. I'm not a money guy. No, I'm not. I am. I have never, ever been good at just when people have passive income or something like that. Yours is all active. Yeah. Mine is literally like I have to sweat to make money. Yeah.

Find a penny, pick it up all the day. You'll have good luck. Yeah. Yeah. Well, actually, I just walk around new york buying finite pennies that's actually the job and it's quite laborious quite laborious yeah but satisfying at the end of the day when are they still making new pennies in america i hope not i literally i have not gotten a bit of change in recent years that i haven't directly put into the jar. Yes. You know how they have the penny jar in some gas stations?

I've just been putting quarters, dimes, you know, toonies. Yeah. Well, I'm going to go out and buy some NFTs, you guys. And I think you're going to eat my dust as I drive away in my people car. Oh, you're going to buy a vehicle i drive away on my oh you're gonna buy a you're gonna buy a vehicle nft yeah an nft that you can only i have the key to it uh yeah that's just a car graham you're not yeah but it's only my car it's not another person's car it's an nft cars i'm not buying a ride share i'm buying a car yeah so this is my not much my nft so like i'm the only guy

piece of code yeah i can't tell you how many times i've tried to buy a car it ends up being an easy car and i'm just you know i gave this guy four thousand dollars and it's not even his car to sell he only has like five more minutes on it i gotta make this deal quick like uh you want it or don't you yesterday uh the the car share in vancouver what's the um we don't have car to go anymore evo evo yeah evo i saw some i i saw a guy uh at canadian tire trying like they these two guys had had bought this giant kind of palm tree oh yeah and then they brought it back to the evo uh which is a toyota something and the look on their faces when they're trying to figure out uh-oh how are we gonna get this in

here at least we don't have to worry about damaging it yeah that's yeah exactly i'm just uh if it blows away uh or gets crunched under a lamppost that's fine it's not it's not my palm tree i don't care about it um no it is their palm tree it's not their car i would like it if they left the palm tree in there for the next person to pick it up they're like this says it's available but i don't do they do they come with palm trees now the big trick with those cars and it happens like one out of every five times is somebody's parked it in a in an underground parking and you can't you can't get in there so the car's just sitting there but it says that it's there and you just end up not being able to get the car i don't know how they get them out or if they just wait to drive through the gate that's actually a big part of those now yeah it's a stunt yeah yes okay yeah it's a new stunt thing that goes

just nod when you say it's a stunt thing the goal is to go viral with it the whole thing with our platform is that you rent a car and you try to go viral that's ours that's our pitch yeah so um yeah i've been watching the leftovers uh what's new with you well speaking of all things car i got a car i heard about it yeah yeah my uh my mom was getting rid of her car and so i have uh i've adopted this car and uh tell me about it it's a it's a subaru impresa which dave yeah dave had one for years and years and loved it yeah we we last year we switched it out for an outback okay yeah more aussie for your buck we all gotta grow up yeah that's right another turning point a fork stuck in the road baby yeah the uh yeah so we've got this uh car that my brother and his wife uh brought out uh from calgary they drove it out here and had a holiday yeah it was good and um here's the thing

about this car runs fine it fine. It's great. I live near a street that doesn't have permit parking, so it's easy to park. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. But it's only got, sound-wise, it's only got radio and CD player. And so I don't have a ton of CDs, so now I've got to go find CDs, which I don't know where you...

That's your solution. That's my solution, is to go buy DVDs. Or CDs. Get a DVD in there. Get a DVD. Yeah, yeah, just see if it... Yeah, watch The Matrix. What would be the worst movie to just listen to?

Like, if you just had to listen to it? Because Goodfellas would be great, because that's narrated. Dunkirk? Dunkirk would be a really good's nair and kirk dunkirk um because i remember like when we got when i had my car the back then now cars have a screen yes so you can see yourself backing up you can look at a map and yeah you know get traffic directions from what they to a store that existed 10 years ago but it's updated on the map uh but the um can you like you you used to be able to go to like there were entire stores that were just like car stereo stores and you would get a new blau punk a new a new blauunkt and you'd take off the faceplate

and carry it with you you had to bring it home and then I don't know what you do now when the car when the screen is so much a part of the interface but

presumably you could swap out your radio this is a challenge that i'm uh i'm ready to get into uh my brother in a very funny comedy bit uh bought some funny cds and put them in rotation so you know nice what's the base ace of base is in there um chris isaac is in there. Chris Isaac is in there. Still waiting for the funny ones. Grammy nominees, 1995. Great. Sheryl Crow in there? Oh, yeah, Sheryl Crow was.

Good call. Holy shit. Yeah, she was one of the nominees. Yeah, you know who hosted that year? No. Sheryl Crow? Paul Reiser. No, he didn't.

Really? He said... In. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did. He said... In this band, not so much. I remember, I don't know why, I remember a joke from his monologue about Cheryl Crow. Cheryl Crow's here tonight, everybody. What was the joke? What was the joke?

Do you remember it? You know, she's part of the Tuesday Night Music Club, et cetera. But the... What's the name of her song? All I Want to Do is Have Some Fun? Yeah. She's part of a Tuesday night music club, et cetera. Uh, but, uh, the, what's the name of her song? All I want to do is have some fun. Yeah.

Uh, she says, um, you know, uh, until I, all I want to do is have some fun until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard.

Yes. I've seen the sun come up over Santa Monica Boulevard. Didn't know there was a song there. Good work, Paul Reiser. Yeah yeah that's great he's he's great right he's a he's like an american national treasure he's been yeah he's gonna be the fifth face on matt rushmore yeah we we wake up in the morning and we kind of all say thanks for paul reiser uh it's kind of like a, it's mandatory, but we are all, we all actually kind of agree with it. And, you know,

we watch mad about you once a day, once a day, once a day for eight hours. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's good. I thought that gives the country structure. So you've got, you've got your day kind of figured out. That's actually what our, our, our economy is based off the relationship he had with helen hunt so you know how you go to like spain and you uh you

try to go somewhere in the afternoon and all the stores are closed because people are taking a siesta or whatever yes yeah and then they come back for a big dinner later well uh all of america kind of closes for a few hours in the afternoon to watch mad about you mad about you yeah that's our that's our siesta our our pausa we we all take a break and then we uh we drink a warm glass of wine and we get a nap you know that sounds really good that sounds great um so you got this car. Yeah, I got this car. And so now I'm, I'm able to do car things. Mostly I won't cause I drove around yesterday and there were protests against vaccinations and it took me 40 minutes to get, uh,

what would have been a 15 minute walk. Um, so I feel like if I drive around a car all the time, I will have a heart attack because I hate it so much. Oh, wow. But I can go to a drive-in movie. I can pick up a palm tree of any time.

I want any season of the year. You have to drive like two hours to get to the nearest drive-in movie, but it's all highway. It's none of these surface streets. You could get to cam loops. You could head up to cam loops. Absolutely. Have you,

have you played cam loops? I think that I've been spared from Kamloops. I've been lucky enough not to play Kamloops. I think Kamloops is great. Kelowna's the one you gotta watch out. You gotta watch your back. I remember I used to go to Earl's on Top when I was in Kelowna as a boy. Is that true? Yeah, we used to go up there in the summer. We'd see Lake okinawa lake okanagan and look for the the okabogi okapogo very close okapogo yeah mythical sea monster of the lake okanagan yeah the uh wow i didn't know the guy killed killed a guy yeah the summer we were up

there yeah he's been at large ever since it's funny they've done tons of like shark movies why not uh a bonafide sea monster it's big lake big lake is getting in there and they're protesting against it you know they're kind of putting it down they're saying we want people in lakes we're not trying to scare them the okanagan industrial complex it's scary enough to step on a walk into a lake and feel how squishy it is colonna had a water park near it in pendicton that was one of the best water parks i ever went to oh yeah i remember driving past that on on route to my grandparents place in in victoria we would drive past that water park every time and it was just like excruciating not what's your favorite thing to drive past on a highway as a grown-up and be like oh that would rule

i wish i was a kid for me it's a hotel where you could see a building where you could see the uh um water slide water slide coming out of the building and going back into the building. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, we have a chain called Great Wolf Lodges in the States. Yeah, we've been to those. I've been to one of those. And that's the one that I always want to go into. It rules.

I went once before I had kids, but all my siblings had their kids with us. And the kids were all so scared. They were too small to enjoy it but uh my wife and i we had a great time you raged we raged the whole hotel reeked of chlorine yeah of course no germs though i think when i see when i see like a go-kart track i'm like i could get off this road and go for a quick quick round of go-karting and uh even if i was just the only one on the track that's even better actually i prefer it that way um so yeah whenever i pass a go-kart place i want to slow down it's a lighting store

for me i just like i'm always trying to light places and you know it's just how when am i gonna get the perfect combination you know yeah yeah and i'll go in there and i'll be like oh this kind of track lighting this is interesting modular okay i can get into this yeah you see on the highway uh billboard uh dynasty lighting store next two stops they were supposed to build a great well flodge in canada or in like surrey oh yeah but then it never came together well in canada you guys have all those municipal water parks which are pretty great we don't have those in the states you guys have those awesome wave machines that's true every city has a wave pool and a uh off-brand harry potter magic hunt to do in the hotel yeah and uh every year our mayor is the first one to do a cannonball into it that's our tradition

that's how you know spring is here right yeah that's right the first splash of the season everybody um are you guys all going down to the mayoral splash I didn't vote for the guy but I'd love to see the cannonball every year they're like voting in progressively more hilarious candidates you guys voted for squiggy you should have seen the splash

yeah no I voted for Squiggy? You should have seen the splash. Yeah, no, I voted for Booger Butt. Do you guys think we should move on to some overheards? How about a little bit of business? Oh, a little business for sure. Hey, business babies, do you like to do the business? Well, I didn't know you were going to sing that song when I signed on to this. I did not know that was part of the deal. Hey, business people, do you want to tighten up your necktie and bring along your briefcase?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. It's Jumbotron time here on Maximum Fun. Stop podcasting yourself is the name of the show. So this message is for us dave dave and graham from uh chris boyven the car wreck guy oh the guy who wrecked his car laughing yeah he wrecked his car laughing too hard it's something we said probably wrecked his car again laughing at um boy that song you just did Something funny about Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Earlier He's just got serial DUIs You know these guys are so funny It was the guys that made me crash So funny It says hi guys I tried to get you a cameo From Cherry Johnson Punky Brewster's friend and got locked

in the fridge for show 700 i don't know how this has happened that he's locked himself in a fridge no no no no she dies she got locked in the fridge oh in the show yeah that was a big thing it was it was a psa episode yeah i did not know that this is this i thought this guy got locked in the fridge and there was no no there was an onslaught of um a derelict fridges being left in fields that kids played in and they would go and they would put their friend in the fridge and then their friend would suffocate to death also in in the leftovers there's a scene where the teenagers are trying to see who can last the longest in the fridge i lasted the longest by thinking about baseball

yeah but he goes on to say chris bovin goes on to say the request expired though so here's the money i would have spent she also played waldo's girlfriend on family matters would have been an epic cameo oh well happy 700 and don't play in refrigerators and don't let the door hit you on the way out yeah and also don't tell me what to do i'll play in a fridge all i want yeah i have a fridge in my apartment and i can go into it and out of it as much as i fucking sometimes you go into the like the communal communal laundry room and and hide in the dryer yeah i hide in the dryer i hide uh people in the buildings pets in the dryer um i'm a lot of fun uh should we move on to some overheards thanks chris if anyone out there wants to do a message you don't have to say the message to us you can send a message to someone who your friend whose birthday

it is uh or whatever yeah go to maximumfun.org slash jumbotron yes overheards please here we go i'm jesse thorne this week on bullseye david burn on the talking heads easing back into live performance and the magic of doo-wop you don't get very much, people doing dibbity-dip-dip, whoa, whoa, mama-nama-nama-nama. You don't get a lot of that. Listen to Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. Hey, podcast fan. We'd like to get a better idea of who you are and what you care about.

So we have a quick favor to ask. If you have a few minutes to spare, please go to MaximumFun.org slash ad survey. There, we've got a short anonymous survey that will take about five minutes to fill out. Plus, if you finish it, you'll get a 10% discount on merch at the MaxFun store. MaxFun shows have always relied on support from our members and always will. This survey will help keep the few ads we do run interesting and relevant to you that's maximumfund.org slash ad survey a-d-s-u-r-v-e-y all one word and thanks for your help overheard overheard's a segment where if you uh in this time in this day and age if you hear something celebrate it i say if you've heard something great or seen something great uh bring

it here to the podcast and we always like to start with the guest andy you have an overheard let's hear it i actually uh i was gonna tell another one but then on my way to lunch i heard this i was i heard it from my wife heard it and then told me about it okay there was a guy that walked into the pizza place that we were outside of and he was like a very classic new york character like a like a 70 year old man but he's kind of wearing like street wear right um you know like he's wearing like a like a fubu shirt or something i don't know what it was but he was very loud and he was he the the part that i caught in action was you know i always have the good weed because i hang out with the rastafarians um but what he said when he was in

the pizza place while my wife was ordering is he said hey back there he was talking to a friend not my wife he goes hey back there there's a bathroom and sometimes i go back there and i take a shit and it's clean what just for the whole world to hear i love yeah exactly yeah so i don't like look that could mean a bunch of things i don't want to go into them yeah yeah exactly i mean i would be i'm too shy to ask a place where the bathroom is just in the back for employees uh some people have no worry about that's why i usually just use the nearest bucket yeah i i like to use my pizza box

yeah repurpose that's one of the things where you because it feels like a big chomping square alligator chomping up my feces your remains oh i'm not i'm not dead my leavings maybe leavings sure yeah what's the classy way? Droppings. Droppings, yes. Droppings, sure. My droppings. I'm sorry, I left some droppings in your closet.

I don't know what I was doing in there. He's so classy, this guy. I got locked in your fridge, and you probably want to take a hose to it. I get locked in your fridge isn't this what's called a romance debbie gibson beautiful dave do you have an overheard uh yeah in the break graham showed us a tiny little uh ginger ale he's drinking delicious and uh a few days ago, my kids, one of them was drinking. We gave her a little sip of ginger ale because she said her stomach was hurting. And the other one's stomach wasn't hurting, but why should her sister get ginger ale if I don't? So they both had sips of ginger ale.

And then Poppy, my four-year-oldold was burping a lot and yes she yeah i i remarked on oh you're burping a lot and she said oh you know my body just just needs to burp yeah and then that and we moved on and and she said a few minutes later she said oh i just swallowed barf and i was like oh i think that's because you're you're burping so much and she said my body just needed to barf yeah and then i laughed at that and she said never mind i didn't say that i want that stricken from the record yeah that's not i don't want to be having having said that in front of you. Yeah. And certainly not for you to broadcast to your dork-ass podcast listeners.

Hey, come on. A lot of these people are really nice. They're really nice. Sure, they crash their car once in a while. Yeah, I'm cool. Yeah, sometimes your body just needs to barf. And I usually just blame it on my body yeah i remember when i was a kid and you would barf and you like the first couple times it was

just like you'd be sitting there and you'd be like what's this pain about and then you'd barf and you'd be like wow that was crazy like you just didn't know i used to go to the i used to go to the nurse's office like once a week and i'd be like, my stomach hurts. And she'd be like, do you need to poop? And I'd be like, that's it. That's it. I do have to poop. I'm going to write it down this time.

I remember as a kid, uh, I was like, I remember I was a very skinny kid and my parents were always trying to get me to eat more. And they would like slip. Like I, my dad would slip like raw eggs into things that i was gonna eat like like oh dave wants a milkshake i'll put a raw egg in it he's gonna be a fighter

just to get me to gain weight and then i just i remember how odd it was if i ever found a food that i really liked i remember um getting a stomachache from eating too much. Yeah. And just being like, what is this feeling? I need to lie down from hot dogs. Exactly. Um,

do you have an overheard? I do. I heard two teen boys who they, teen boys have a very distinct, like it's a very distinct, like it's a low voice, but the stuff they're talking about is teen stuff. So you can kind of like pinpoint,

Oh yeah, that's a couple of teen boys. Um, and I heard one of them said, uh, he was talking about somebody third party. Um, he said, if I said,

bitch, she throw a bolt of lightning at me. So I don't know who they're talking about. A goddess, I suppose. Athena. Yeah, Athena. Well, is that slang? Throw a bolt of lightning at me?

Or is that just... No, that's... No, yeah, that's Greek stuff. Yeah, that's right. Or Rome stuff? Is it Greek stuff? Roman stuff? I mean, it's the same it's greek

stuff yeah everything ever since they went into um uh what's it called uh austerity measures yeah the the lightning bolts have been a lot less you know so it's hard to say yeah that's right yeah they say austerity kills but you know know what? Lightning kills too. Yeah. Yeah. The world bank doesn't know what they're doing to the lightning bolts kind of community. And do they care? I doubt they even care. Those fat cats and boy, where's the world bank?

Uh, uh, Oh yeah. Brussels. Yeah. Yeah. Those fat cats in Davos. Uh, now we also have overheard sent in by listeners all over the map.

If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to SPY at MaximumFun.org. Now, this first one comes from Lorian in Gardiner, Maine. It was in the locker room at the local YMCA overheard some women in their 60s talking as they were getting changed after their aqua aerobics class one woman complimented another on her blouse she said thanks it's my dead

moms and then the first woman said oh yes I have lots of things from my dead mom like this watch and then a younger woman closer to her 40s shined in and said, I have dead grandma boots. Does that count? It does count, but we were talking about dead mom stuff.

Yeah. Technically, she's a mom. Yeah, quit butting in. We're trying to have our own thing. Yeah, we're at aqua-robics, you 40-something. Yeah, what do you know? I mean, she's probably going to be so good at aqua-robics by the something yeah what do you know i mean she's probably gonna be so good at aqua aerobics by the time she's in her 60s yeah she'll stay amateur and go to the olympics on

that yeah it's like sports now you got to get in when you're like five to seven so if you want to get into aqua aerobics you really got to start in your late 30s early 40s yes yeah you know all the greats started when they're in their 40s yeah that's right louise um you know your elderly parents were just badgering you to go to aqua aerobics class that's right driving me there every morning 5 a.m for the aqua aerobics ice times my dad shows up in his maroon Hyundai Sienna with his personalized license plate that says awesome spelled with H's. And he's like, let's go off to the pool. Yeah.

You said you wanted to do this and now you're going to have to follow through. Yeah. I mean, we got to teach you discipline. I just bought you these, sweating through all these tapes. I mean, we got to teach you discipline. I just bought you these, sweat into the oldies, tapes. Yeah, sometimes when I have a really good aqua aerobics class,

he goes, hey, listen, I'm not going to be around forever, but I want you to know you've got what it takes to go all the way. Yeah. I'm going to give you the pool noodle that my father gave me when I was 45. the rule that my father gave me when i was 45 um this next one comes from sean in seattle this weekend hey seattle i'm from yeah uh this weekend i was at a birthday party for a seven-year-old

girl she opened a present and exclaimed oh boy this is exactly the book i wanted she started flipping through it and looked at the pages after a minute she closed the book put it down and said well maybe this book isn't as exciting as i thought i judged it by the cover i wish there was some kind of lesson to be learned yeah this curious george he hasn't raised my curiosity anyways um what's so curious about him yeah he's not benjamin button this is only two curious things you know what i'll be honest the man in the yellow hat he's i'm more curious about this guy yeah because he hangs out with a monkey yeah yeah dresses all in yellow yeah that's very nefarious yeah everybody would know you oh here he comes with this monkey curious jesus christ the fucking yellow guy's coming again don't look at him don't look at him

no i'm talking about the monkey don't make eye contact he'll bite your face off his tailless monkey it's an ape it's an ape um this last one comes from uh adam in ohio overheard of the office woman one i don't like to read anything serious i read a lot of fluff woman two oh yeah me too i love fluff i'm a total fluffer so cute right it's cute when somebody doesn't know that there's a double meaning i haven't heard the word fluffer in a while yeah but it's my day's work he gets one yeah and also you know you suspended your subscription to porn hub and only had it for the crosswords uh yeah yeah i was paying so much for free porn i loved it when i used to have a pile of porn hub on my table you know and i just worked my

way through it during the week yeah and then you end up just giving it away and unused yeah oh this is last week's porn no good anymore in addition over hers that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hi, Dave, Graham, and possible guests. This is Lauren calling from Brussels.

I was recently on a vacation in Tofino on Vancouver Island, and I was walking through the main town past all these little kind of gift shops and art galleries and there was one that there's the name of it and then it described itself as crafts, art, and fashion and this man who was walking in front of me

looked up at the sign and then kind of paused and like thoughtfully said to himself very quietly fashion and art. Fart. That guy's living his best life, right? Seeing farts and everything. Yeah.

Oh boy. When I get too old to see farts and everything. Yeah. Killed me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I like unpredictable old to see farts and everything, it kills me. Yeah, exactly. I like unpredictable barf and farts wherever I look. This is where I go.

We are unpredictable barf. Two, three, four. Here we go. Next one. Hi, Dave Graham and Impossible Guest. This is James from Allentown, Pennsylvania. I was on my way to work, and I passed by a social club that has a kind of letter board outside. They usually just advertise their dinner menu, I guess.

And I guess one of the members had recently passed away, and the letter board is just too small to kind of fit multiple messages, so they really crammed a lot in, so the message board read, Rest in peace, Jim. You will be missed. Hamsteak. All right. Thanks, guys.

I swear to God, if you don't put hamsteak up there, you're fired. Jim died eating a hamsteak. i couldn't tell you what a ham steak is it i wanted i wanted to be a pork chop yeah i think maybe in that part of the country they call it you know sometimes they call something something else some places yeah yeah like uh like water ice is that from philadelphia water yeah we're like what do you guys what do you guys call uh a bloody mary a caesar caesar yeah same difference now the difference is we've got clamato in ours yeah it's not like they don't sell clamato in the states you guys yeah but they don't call they that's not a bloody mary look i'm not i i i'm not a proud Canadian or anything.

I'm just a proud drunk. I'm going to relapse. I'm going to relapse to prove you wrong. Here's your final overheard. Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Scott from Victoria with an overheard. We were stopped in beautiful Shemana's, B.C. at a playground for lunch with our daughter. And there was another girl there, maybe around 9 or 10, with her grandparents.

And she was trying to climb up a pretty small kiddie slide, kind of slipping around a bit. And we heard her say, Hey, Grandma, watch me struggle. Love the show. Off I go. The kid knows exactly what she's doing. That's what I say when I get on stage hey everybody pay attention watch me struggle watch me struggle i mean your grandma struggled so you wouldn't have to that's

right yeah yeah um i do like that she was trying to slip up walk up the slide that is like i remember in the early days of the pandemic when there was like arrows on the ground you must walk this way yeah just thinking like kids can't even slide the right way that's right like half the kids are trying to go up they're gonna go face to face it's gonna be sneeze on sneeze yeah it's uh you know it's their way of thumbing their nose at god that he made slides i will walk up instead of sliding down i actually don't sneeze anymore because i uh i got an asnesiotomy so they enlarge your nostrils and enlarge your uh your trachea and that's you never it's fine

or maybe they decrease the size of your nostrils they took out my ulula and uh and then um yeah it's i can't smell anything uh but that's not covet yeah i was tired of smelling things took out my olfactory system yeah you're fine you're a better person for it yeah um well that brings us to the end of this episode andy you have a weekly weekly podcast i do i have a it's a two twice weekly uh we do a free episode and a patreon episode uh it's called find your beach i do it with my hilarious beautiful wife rosebud baker um and um i also have an album that will be coming out sometime this fall nice and uh got a name yet it's uh it's called the coward of gramercy um that's a great title and uh it's uh i'm if you're in the fort mcmurray area i am going to uh advertise on the side of the oil baron's rink

so please please keep an eye out for that uh location location location right uh well thank you so much for being our guest this was a ton of fun and good to see you guys yeah oh been too long yeah we'll we'll get you on next week. How about that? Yeah, I'll come back. I'm going to be in Van in December, so hopefully I see you guys. Yeah, that'd be great. Go for some tiramisu and see what happens, right? See who ends up.

What's going to bring you here? I'm doing old hecklers in Victoria, and I'm going to do a show with Dan Quinn. I don't know any of the details yet. He said just to meet him somewhere out near Squamish and the rest would be history. That's what he said to me. I'm excited. You should be.

Thank you everybody out there for listening. You know what? If you're driving a car, don't laugh so hard you crash into it. And if you see an empty fridge I implore you do not go inside that fridge do not and thanks for listening and come on back next week for another episode of

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