Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 707 - Ali Hassan

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

Comedian Ali Hassan joins us to talk catering, racecars, and the library.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 707 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who was very courteous to have his lunch just before the show and not during the show, Mr. Dave Shumka. I had 10 pretzel bites filled with peanut butter. I wouldn't call it lunch, but you know what in this go-go lifestyle, some days this is the best lunch you can get. And that's their slogan is some days. Unfortunately, this is the best you can get.

Yeah. We're recording right at noon Vancouver time. And halfway through the show, you might start looking like a cartoon turkey. Or a big bag of peanut butter pretzels yeah um are they for my clarification are they tubes that have peanut butter in them they are like little rhombuses they are uh like uh kind of jagged little pills yes jagged little pills uh pretzel pills filled with peanut butter they're from kirkland oh yes uh our guest today very excited to have this guest first time here

on the podcast and you will be able to see him soon on the cbc television show run the burbs it's ali hassan how are you gentlemen good day it felt, it almost felt like there was a segue where he said, these are peanut butter pretzel bites from Kirkland. And it was almost like, speaking of peanut butter, our first guest today, it almost felt it had that. And yeah,

I was gonna, I was gonna try to link it in with Kirkland, but I, I'm not super familiar with Kirkland products. I know they make everything at Costco. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But are you a Costco man?

Yeah. Or a peanut butter man? I'm not. I'm a Graham Clark type of guy here. If I have to choose teams right now, I'm not on Team Shumka. I'm on Team Clark. That's a great way of getting started. I'm just joking. I was at Kirkland, man man for a long time and then it

ran out our um i you know i used to be a caterer so it was almost like of critical importance for me to buy 45 chicken drumettes you know those were important days back then and then i you know i don't know it didn't make sense here's happens. You try the walnuts from Costco, but if you're sponsored by Costco, that Costco, that member, that sponsorship is dying right now. That's fine. But if you try like the walnuts or the cashews or something from Costco, you're like, these are good. And then you try them from some like self-respecting Middle Eastern grocer.

You're like, oh, we've been eating complete trash. Oh yeah. that's true yeah i'm only eating supermarket food all the time i don't know what normal food tastes like and i don't want to know no no no supermarket food is normal food is what i'm trying to say to you oh not the supermarket i go to oh no oh geez um and should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. Allie, let's, let's talk about it. Everyone's talking about the word on the street is you used to be a caterer.

Yes. And we want to know every little detail. Yeah. Tell us all about it. When you say word on the street, are we suggesting that that was research you guys did? Or was it because i just said it no it's trending it's trending on twitter finally finally i gave it up about 10 years ago but i really wanted them to keep talking about it when you say you were that well you were a caterer did you run your own catering company i did a company is a strong word for what i had going on

my you know i was in my parents garage and my mother would open the garage door and be like, if somebody sees you, you know, you might get reported because you don't have insurance, and you're preparing the food in the garage. I'm like, I know. That's why you got to shut the garage, mom. Right. But you also could have done some preparation in the car engine, and people would think that you were just fixing your car a little salmon salmon salmon over the carburetor

yeah sominator why do you call it the sominator no reason no reason officer yeah why does your car stink i've gotten that question more than a few times as a caterer. Many famous companies, many successful companies started in parents' garages. And that's what I kept repeating to myself at four in the morning when I was running behind on sandwich wrapping and pulling all-nighters. But I was a caterer for a long time. That was really my passion. And were you a one-man crew? I was a one-man crew with the occasional like, hey, man, what do you know about shredding carrots, Graham? Because I need that for these 300 sprinkles. It was my minor in college.

It was a one-man crew with a small Rolodex of like 10 people I could call on for friend work. And like, what type of food are we talking here? Any type you could do? We're talking talking my goal was you know and people if you're in the food world you'll laugh at this but it's it was pan asian huh pan asian so what i mean by that is um i would really enjoy i get bored easily so i was like i like making different types of spring roll here's what i loved i loved appetizers i love making appetizers because that's why you hire a caterer that's why you hire a caterer so every half an hour something

new comes out and you change the energy of the room all of a sudden people like oh i never i didn't see that what is that thing and you know whereas when you just i didn't you know i used to manage an indian restaurant and that was the most unfulfilling catering because I don't know if you know what like sog paneer looks like when it plops down in front of you. It's gloopy. Very delicious. Not a great look. Yeah. Yeah. It's somebody who's ill and has the runs.

That's so many people have said that. They're like, yeah, I'll eat your green diarrhea, but I'm like, ah. I don't know. That's nice of you. Yeah, that's nice of you. I made it in my garage. I made it in my garage. How dare you? I have standards. So, we do like corporate events, weddings.

What was the bulk of it? You know what I started doing most, which was so not fun, which was, it was craft table on music videos, but low budget music videos yes and i loved food so much that you know they'd give you 300 bucks and they'd be like here's your entire budget for a full day of the video the music video right and i'd make like five bucks that day because i was like i can't be the guy who just has a bag of carrots and a cream cheese and some peanut butter bagels i can't do that i can't be that so i had like really like snacks and then my favorite thing was was somebody was like dude your table your craft if people don't know what a craft table is it's the all day grazing if you

are on a video and you need a granola bar if you need some some some something sweet something somewhat um uh you know sizable but not your lunch your lunch is a different yeah it's the weight maker it really uh having access to a craft table all the time you're just always eating a twizzler you've always got a twizzler hanging on your mouth it's the table that makes me say in interviews that i gained weight for a roll but actually i gained weight at the end of the role because I just kept eating every day of the eight-day shoot or whatever it was what type of music video I also would like to know the most the biggest music video you were man I don't remember any of their names they were all Quebecois bands this was in Montreal right so these were all

French bands and I don't know if you know who Corneille is but I was like his name was... Do you know who Cloné is? Corneille? No? No. I could sing some would that help? Of course it wouldn't. But he's a huge French star Haitian dude originally French Canadian guy from Quebec. Amazing dude too. And so

this company did like Corneille videos they did Céline Dion video once and I was like what about why can't I get into it? And they were like So this company did like Coney videos. They did Celine Dion video once. And I was like, what about, why can't I get into it? And they were like, oh, Ali, you fool. Celine Dion brings her own caterer. Yes, yes, absolutely. Yeah. So I was doing craft table at first, not for long.

It was really not good. And then I was doing that lunch catering. And then that was more like, okay, this is Indian influenced or South Asian influenced, or it's like a Malaysian chef. I keep people guessing. Sometimes you'd be more of a Malaysian meal. It's a little mystery in that relationship. People in mystery.

And that, that I liked that. I enjoyed a little bit more, but again, $12 a head. I'm trying to live here. People. Huh?

Yeah. I'm trying to exist. $12 a head times 20 people on a music video so the math there is it's not good it's around 250 bucks and uh you know yeah i'd come home with like i don't know 70 bucks in my pocket it was awful i remember being on a an advertisement shoot and uh accidentally getting served the director's breakfast burrito. And eating it. I ate it anyways, and I don't think I even finished it.

I think I threw the rest in a trash bag. Did anyone find you out? No, but I think the director probably was pretty pissed. Yeah, but there's no way of, once you've eaten the evidence, there's no way of... Exactly, there's no prints. Until you admitted it right now publicly in this podcast. And that guy knows who he is. We were working on the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers toy commercial.

It was Steven Spielberg. When you were working on, because were you paying attention to what was going on in the video shoots? Or were you just totally backed up with doing caterings? I was pretty backed up. I was either the craft table, you can really leave it, and you were in a separate area. Why couldn't you leave it? Were there roaming dogs? I don't know.

It was always somebody who wanted their goddamn peanut butter sandwich toasted or something. You know what I mean? It felt like. Or, actually, that's not the real reason if i'm being honest the reason is because people are goddamn criminals and vultures half the time and they could walk up and go oh cool granola bars and take 11 oh yeah all of a sudden you're like wait a minute i paid 25 dollars for those can those be distributed equally among the crew please yeah if you've got enough for you bring enough for everybody it's the cardinal rule yeah i went to i did a commercial shoot in london a couple years ago and there

were so many like it was you know i didn't want any of the hot food is this london england yeah yeah and it was 11 in the morning and they were serving like, you know, black pudding and whatever. Yeah. But I definitely loaded up. Like with like 10 minutes left in the shoot, I was like, well, no one's eating the rest of this. Absolutely. Absolutely. And that's true. As a craft table guy, you're like, maybe I could use these, you know, packed products, these Rice Krispie Squ squares on the next shoot i'm hired on but you can't be you can't be thinking like that yeah especially if a crew is on both and they're like

hey wait a minute wait a second that's my partially unopened well yeah you really can rice krispie squares you can press them together to make onepie ball Yeah And then just pour chocolate on top of it These are super different You can recycle those if you needed to That's the environmental way Reduce, reuse And Rice Krispie How long did you do catering for?

Man it was somewhere between 10 and 12 years Actually it was quite a time yeah it was it was for quite a while there um you made all the food i made all the food man it was truly my like how i don't know dave i don't know if dave you're laughing because you're in disbelief that graham's in disbelief but yeah that's what it is yeah Yeah. Graham, yeah, there are people. Wow, you made all this food I've never even seen. You and Graham, you have no idea what you did. It's probably pretty good quantities would be my guess. It was good.

It was good food. I was, you know, I have a, if I'm not, I have to want to eat it and enjoy it before I'm going to serve it to people. So I had a pretty high standard for myself. Yeah. Messed up a couple of gigs, maybe out of maybe a hundred that I did, you know, but in general,

I was pretty proud of the food I was serving there. But, um, yeah, it was, uh, it was my passion. Like I got into standup comedy because I wanted to be,

uh, a food network host. I wanted to be on the food network and I was like, I'll start doing Stan. I'd been doing some hosting friends' weddings for a couple of years. So I had that comfort. If there was a

cooking show you were on, what would it be? What style of show were you looking at? There's so many different iterations of the show I wanted to do that came and went. Because when I started pitching myself to the Food Network, I was vastly underqualified, right?

They had like, that's never stopped anybody, but they had like chefs with like restaurants and restaurant empires on the network. And then within 10 years, uh, I was vastly under, uh,

overqualified. That's right. Cause they wanted like the John Katucci's guys who can are like, man, I don't even know how to fry an egg right and that because the whole demographic the whole the whole market chain they were like we want to cater you know our network is for the armchair chef and really god forbid you say the word um you know whatever hollandaise sauce what if no one knows that french word hollandaise then they'll be lost and made they may change the channel and then what about a show called armchair

chef where you have to prepare everything in an armchair you're a you're an ideas machine i've always said that about you graham that's better than anything i came to the table with but would you do a show that had cooking on it or would you be the guy that goes place to place and goes, wow. Yeah, so originally the idea was I wanted to cook.

I would watch a lot of these chefs on the Food Network and I was like, this is a very naive perspective obviously to have, you know, there's a lot more involved

than just talking into a camera but as far as the talking into the camera part, I was like, I can do a better job than this. I know I can do a better job

than half the guys I'm watching. Get out of here, Giada. Yeah. Giada. Please don't make Giada's people come after me, Grant. Spare me that. But there's a guy, Ricardo, in Quebec, and he's doing French and he's doing English, so he's doing bilingual shoots.

I'm like, you already got the work in French, Ricardo. And then in English, he would come outside with a platter and go, okay, it's time to heat. I'm like, man, it's nobody. That's a pretty good name for a show. Time to heat. Time to heat. Yeah, there you go. The machine keeps on rolling.

But I'd always be angry. He would mispronounce something. You know, like he'd be like, I found these Yukon gold potato and it's a mine gold. I'd be like, man, there's not even anyone there to correct him. Just give me this show and I'll speak the English. I love it.

I love this. Yeah, I want Ricardo. Yeah, Ricardo sounds pretty cool. This is the worst interview I've ever been part of. Show me Ricardo. Can we get Ricardo on next week? Can't you even retroactively be sad for me? A little bit supportive.

Do you, you're sitting in your closet now with all your wife's clothes behind you. Yeah. We're really pulling back the curtain, huh? Literally. And are you, who cooks in your home? I do. I do. Yeah.

It's not a good story. I love my wife very much and she's wonderful we have four children you know she she does like she she educates them she takes them to school in the morning she does so much she she's like the rock here but duane johnson the wrong she's like exactly she's bench presses me over her head and yet she smells what you're cooking she likes what i eat she she likes my food but i i don't have that patience in the kitchen you remember that guy nick nick the the it guy that snl skit do you remember i don't know if it was chris katan or who it was and it was jimmy fallon nick burns your company's computer guy yeah right and then

somebody would be like i have this thing like there's a flat and he would just be like move that was his entire that was his whole i feel like that guy in my kitchen my wife's like well because this is burning but i don't understand why it's burning because i have it on a low he i'd be like move and then i just get out of the way i'm like little did we know then he was getting on their computer to email teenagers i and i am making food for teenagers my child my teenagers i should be clear but yes do you have uh what's the age range we're looking at here uh girls are 18 and 16 at the time of this recording and the boys are 10 and 6 are there any birthdays happening in the next three days? There are not. I just say that for fun because in my jokes, you know,

my son is, is like sometimes 4 because the dumb thing he says connects more with a 4-year-old and I can't be like he's 5. People who know kids

would be like, oh, your kid needs professional help. Yeah, yeah. So sometimes, you know,

you have to fudge the age. I fudge it by, i go a year and a half maximum and then i can't do it anymore then i'm not connected to the material yeah and like uh they always say that you if you have a kid you get an hour of material guaranteed yeah so did you get four hours or is it all encompassed well when i married my wife we had my my two daughters are my stepdaughters but i definitely got a full hour immediately right out of the gate and i recorded a my first album was called from zero to hero and it was all about parenting and being a just a guy who was at after hours popping pills and then a year later he's married with two kids that was basically

the show like how does this happen it happened to you it was the name of the the other name we thought the first thing could definitely happen to me taking pills later yeah sure why not yeah did you have any good pill recipes i that's your that's your food network show i do first get yourself a mortar and pestle yeah we're gonna grind up a lot of seeds here we're gonna see what we can get First, get yourself a mortar and pestle. Yeah, we're going to grind up a lot of seeds here. We're going to see what we can get. Is there a special, like a specialty that you have when it comes to cooking for the family? Or is it just general?

Like, is there one that if you're going to do it, people get excited about it in your house? Like, oh, he's going to make whatever my teen daughters don't get excited about anything i do in life no matter where it is or what it is so what if it was on tiktok what if you no no because 10 years ago when my mother got on facebook i remember my reaction i was like oh get get the hell off this dude i have a reputation mom you can't be here so it'll be the same my kids will be like oh papa's on tiktok well well there goes yeah now it's like it's like that with facebook and i was like oh yeah no facebook is only for people's mothers yeah yeah that's right and now yeah and me because those are my cbc fans those mothers right i can't get off facebook ever i'm connected to that for life yeah um i think that's very responsible of you to not go on tiktok i feel like i think so too i you know but i i love the i love how badass tiktok is i know it was mostly dance videos and

like uh weird cat videos and stuff but it's like you know like a couple years ago um in in china this you know what would trump this happened to where a bunch of tick tockers bought tickets to some reserve to some rally in like Tulsa or somewhere and then didn't show up. And I was like, oh, my God, the power of this amazing medium. This is incredible. What a platform. And yet still, I just stand in the shadows. I respect you. I can't get there is something very powerful about getting somebody to sell out and then he's showing up yeah yeah

he's got to lie more than usual yeah yeah i love these kids they're very funny these kids on tiktok they're amazing they're amazing and one of my friends hodo hodo hersey i don't know if you know hodo but she was telling me just you can sign up for tiktok without being on it and uh and and that's number one but she said but number two tiktok is absolutely an all ages platform you have like grandfathers doing stuff that's going viral and she was like just sign up for it i'll send you some videos you want so that was a recent conversation i i don't know it's twirling around in my head i'm wondering you're gonna end up on it that's what's happening and you don't you don't participate

yeah i'm on it but i haven't posted anything but when i post something it's gonna be fucking huge it better be it better be it's like the longest it's like the longest build-up to a punchline it's got to be the best. But I think everybody will know it's worth the wait when they see it. I thought my way in was food. Yeah, of course. But I just can't use iMovie with any level of competence. And we saw before this podcast, you definitely can't use QuickTimeovie with any level of competence and and we saw before this podcast you definitely

can't use quick time you guys get it my quick time lives in my iCloud which is unheard of did both of you for some reason and I couldn't get it out of there not that you either either you were a bunch of help to me by the way no we definitely weren't but we're used to this we're used to the guests taking 15 minutes to get going yeah that's the you know it's par for the course yeah i was here three minutes early only to take 15 minutes to figure out but that's only 12 minutes it's only 12 minutes also dave don't you remember when we were blaming graham for me not having a second like why don't we go back to that those were good days yeah graham what's your can you uh let's open up the email you send the guests yeah let's do it i said i did i said you you all get to

record and i think that he thought record on zoom yes then you need to be more explicit well i'll tell you that the thing is, here's the problem. Oh, God, there was a lot of emails back and forth. This took a while to arrange. I do another podcast. I do a podcast called Doctor vs. Comedian with a doctor buddy of mine. And that's what we do. We just record on Zoom. So I assumed, I was so excited.

I was like, you guys do what we do. No, when you get too many voices, the zoom kind of breaks down. Right. We only have two. Uh, this says, by the way, let me expose you. Here we go. Uh, Hey, just checking in that everything is good for tomorrow. Also making sure that you have a way to record your end of the podcast and an external microphone.

I will defend myself now by saying I have both. I just didn't know one of those ways shouldn't be zoom. How do, how was I to know? I don't know. How was anybody know, you know? Well,

you know, I will punch up the email, punch up the email and, and maybe even punch up this part where I'm, um, shitting on the guy. This is getting cut out completely. Yeah,

of course. Thank you. That's important. So I just need a clear edit point. So you're a caterer. We back it up to minute two. What about that stuff about the music video? No, we didn't like that either.

That sounded weird. You didn't remember the names of the bands. We have comedians on the show every week that whenever I hear any inkling of something other than comedy i'm like yeah let's talk about the world of catering yes oh yeah exactly yeah yeah dudes it was uh it was a good time like i'll tell you one thing that well no i don't want to talk about it anymore no you're done no i was gonna tell you that i had a good work ethic a work ethic that a lot of you comedian people may not know man you're standing in the same spot for like 12 to 15 hours just like

hustling like the entire time a beer never never tastes as good as it does after uh a shift of like just sort of sweating it out for in the back of a kitchen for what about having a beer on stage while you're standing for 15 minutes it's still delicious and it's free and that's great but as far as your body just opening up you know your entire gullet just swallowing that beer and going this is the best thing you could ever do to me that it can never taste as good as after it does after after a catering event i promise you do one i dare you well no uh i'm not allowed near food uh the old pretzel peanut butter jones over here yeah yeah i'm not even allowed to eat the stuff but i sneak some yeah you're uh you're a naughty

little boy um what is uh like what is the one meal that you've had it was like you can never have it again because it happened so far in the past but it's like your dream meal like something that you've had where you're like god damn it if i could get back to that one if you could yeah man i have i have that answer usually people ask me questions and i go, uh, could I email that to you later? And then you just read it out. Yeah, you totally can. No, but I don't have to do that this time, which is great. I, uh, it was in Jordan.

Sorry to talk about comedy for a second, Dave, but I went for a comedy festival in Jordan. It was the Amman Comedy Festival. And I was woefully unqualified to be there. I've been doing comedy for two or three years. I think it was 2008. And I started in 2006. And I shouldn't be there, but I'm with,

it's Amaz Jobrani, Russell Peters, Dino Bidala helped organize this thing. Ahmed Ahmed. Like it's like a big, like already people who are known, at least to me because these guys had like these international tours they would do in 2008

they're famous os for sure and then i had somehow they just knew me i had done something the year before with dean and he's like we'd like to invite you to jordan you catered an event for him yeah maybe i maybe i did i can't remember what it was and that that sounds more realistic than me doing comedy at a year and a half in but um they invited me it was phenomenal experience but so we go out as a as a crew in a bus we go out all these comedians and we go to a place called Hashim in Jordan and Hashim and I was a huge meat eater at the time uh part of me was shocked to find out they don't serve meat at hashim what they did is they fried falafel okay fry falafel balls smaller than i've ever seen them more fluffy and and pillowy than i've ever had them and they baked their own pita bread and it was basically pita bread and falafel came out.

And then all the accoutrements. So fresh mint. Fresh mint in Jordan doesn't taste the same way it does in Canada. I'm just going to tell you that. So it's fresh mint and pickled turnips and a type of Middle Eastern, like a sriracha, but Middle Eastern style hot sauce and garlic sauce and hummus. I don't get fresh mint in Canada I get a can of mint from Costco I just use spearmint gum

I just pop some of that in You take a cheese grater And you just Grate that peppermint gum Onto your Onto your tacos Yeah just a little chiclet on top But we sat outside In the open air on a beautiful night On tier tacos. Yeah, just a little chiclet on top.

But we sat outside in the open air on a beautiful night, a starry night in Jordan. And we ate outside on their patio. And we had a meal that I thought might be a little underwhelming because there was no meat. And I opened my eyes up to like, you know, I think I went in there with like, I don't really like falafel that much. Yeah, because I'd been eating it at the equivalent of like convenience store raba convenience stores three days before and then you know half frozen i've been eating pucks of falafel not like fresh deep fried and it was really like a phenomenal experience and a meal that i know can never be recreated because even the company i was with the comedians i was with these mentors who i looked up to you know i was like oh this will never happen again and i never yeah the one delicious evening i feel like

i don't remember what the restaurant was but newer hadidi a few weeks ago we asked we asked what her favorite place in uh jordan was and it might have been the same place i wonder i wonder it's a notorious place so this is the beauty of Jordan and, and so many countries and, and, and cities like I'm on, you know, the,

the focus is you have people who do one thing and they do it well. And they've, their father did it and their grandfather did it and grandparents, you know what I mean? And so you don't have like these one-stop shops. And so you go into a place and all they do is falafel and pita bread. And the rest is like just to make those things taste better. Then there was another place we went to after that for something called

Kanafa. And Kanafa is just this one Jordanian dessert with like a phyllo, a phyllo type of a bottom and top, and then a type of cheese and then honey poured in it and that's all you could get there you could not get anything else there was two types of canafa and that was the entire menu and it's a father and his son and there's something i love so much about that i'll always support those places where it's like generations of people doing that and so that unfortunately that also means like you know when it's some

white guy who owns a caribbean restaurant i'm probably going to be the guy out of friends let's go somewhere i'm gonna go somewhere else i don't know i want to hear i want to hear some west indian vibes out of the back i don't want to hear like hey bud we're out of potatoes hey i'm like what is this this This is not authentic. I mean, it's too much. I've been into Caribbean food ever since I started listening to sublime. Yes,

exactly. That's what I don't want. I don't want to be that guy. Well, if you're really into Jordan, have you watched the last dance? About Michael? That's the one.

You know what? We tried. It took me a second. I don't know why. The lag. There's something wrong with the lag on Zoom. It's a joke lag. We tried.

We watched the first two episodes, and then my son bailed. We were watching for him to introduce him to Michael Jordan, and this idiot thinks he's better than a show about michael jordan how old is he he's 10 now at the time of space jam that's how you introduce yeah that's you're right that'll change his tune he'll be like who the hell are these cartoons yeah baby bugs what now bonnie i've said it three times yeah um yeah it's uh yeah um you have kids dave i've got a five uh four and a seven year old are you able to feed them yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay i'm still lactating i love it graham do you have a food that you wish you could recreate a meal you wish you could yes

it was uh i was recording with uh the debaters in ottawa and this theater that we were at had uh like a catering department and they made all the food for backstage so they made it specifically for backstage and they made a trifle that knocked my ass out of the water and i didn't even like trifle i didn't even know that i liked it and then i tried this and it and i can never get back there i don't remember what the place is called i don't remember how to who who do i contact there's only three theaters but that's a lot that's a lot of uh calls and stuff to say how's your trifle and send me some and let me check yeah yeah i think you could uh if you were some kind of public radio podcast mystery solver you'd narrow it down pretty quick david

you have a meal that you can you can never get back to i it was the peanut butter pretzels from an hour ago. Yeah, I can never get them back. They're in my tummy. Yeah, there's like a few, but nothing's like jumping out completely. But there were, like I definitely, I went to my brother-in-law's wedding in Columbia. And I was in Columbia for 48 hours. And the wedding was at this resort and they just had like they just put out some empanadas just like uh oh yeah have a few of these and it was that kind of crafty situation where i was like filling my pockets with them like yeah well i need i need eight for the bus ride to the venue and then i need to feed everyone on the airplane back home to make friends and if i don't if we don't empty this plate we they won't bring us more so we need to

well thought well thought out i remember going to a wedding that was uh half of the wedding party was indian and they had the the food was uh baked fresh naan was happening all night and somebody told me i had gotten very high before the wedding and somebody told me that every time they saw me i was back in line for more naan so like i'd disappear but then i'd be back in line i don't i don't know you as a uh you know a stoner i think of you more as a pills guy yes i'm well and you know what didn't bring any pills that's on me i didn't bring uh my amphetamines so i thought you know what i'll go the other direction i'll smoke some pot see see what that's all about and then i took some quaaludes when i got home i was scared to take them but somebody rolled them up in the non and

then i was like a dog i love it what am i gonna have for lunch after this you guys are killing um so uh you you've done comedy all over the world or is this just the one venture out into jordan or have you gone everywhere i have gone nowhere nowhere okay well yeah no i've gone nowhere. Nowhere. Okay. Well, yeah, no, I've gone. No, I've gone places. I've gone. I went to Jordan twice for comedy and I went to Edinburgh once for 28 days. Oh yeah. It was a goddamn nightmare,

but I ate well. I ate well. Yeah. I ate well, but it was a goddamn night. Yeah. It's a long slog. Yeah.

Nobody made less money in Edinburgh than I did. Oh, I could, I think I could. Right. Yeah. That's a pretty competitive I certainly, I lost money

I mean, I came back in debt Yeah, yeah, absolutely Dave, what's going on with you, man? Oh, what's going on with me lately is I told you a few weeks ago I've now been able to start watching tv again congratulations was there a law of some kind why why were you not allowed well i was i've always been allowed i just uh had a very hard time making time to do it yes between yeah oh work and well you know what

it was the kids home all day all summer long and then uh i finally got back to watching the leftovers which i started in 2014 uh but i've interrupted that because those episodes are an hour long and i sometimes it's like the first time i can watch tv it's like 9 30 at night i'm like if i watch an hour long show right now i am going to fall asleep yes yeah and i've i've now discovered this other show on netflix uh about formula one racing yes this sounds very much like a dad program that a dad would love something you can run away from and not get too committed to yeah it's uh you remember that line in heat if i see the heat coming around the corner, I need to be like not tied down to anything that I can't leave. If I smell the heat,

you know, you remember that line? That's Dave with TV shows. It sounds like nothing that I can sleep 10 minutes into and not wake up going, damn it. What happened to that driver? Oh,

do I have to? Yeah. Oh, it's, that's the worst. It's like I invested 10 minutes into this hour long show. Yeah. Do I have to uh yeah oh it's that's the worst it's like i invested 10 minutes into this hour-long show yeah do i have to start again at the beginning i'm just gonna be like rewind like i think i was awake for this i don't know very much excuse my ignorance was left is

leftovers about food no it is about it was a food idea mark the bonus and i had for a show i was like they stole our show they didn't what's the what was your tell pitch me well basically my entire life i've been you know people would call me hasan which is because i can make uh you know ali hasan always making sandwiches of something and always like people are like where did where did you get that from and i'd be like i got this from your fridge and they'd be what i had the sweet potato i had always making sandwiches of something and always like people are like, where did, where did you get that from? And I'd be like, I got this from your fridge. And they'd be like, what?

I had the sweet potato. I had green onion. So I was a guy who could just, I'm sorry, I have nothing to eat. And I'd be like, I'll be the judge of that. And then I'd be in their fridge with permission,

not like a monster, you know, with, with permission, I'd go into the fridge. Can I tell you what I would make with the stuff in my fridge right now? Yeah. I could, I could make a fridge. Can I tell you what I would make with the stuff in my fridge right now? Yeah, tell me. I could make a carrot that has mustard on it.

Do you have any garlic? Do you have any garlic at all anywhere? No garlic? No, no. It's mostly batteries in my fridge. Oh, man. That's not a way to live, Graham. Can I tell you what I could make?

Yeah. One big bean sliced thin you have children have some respect for your family david um but the the idea is you would go into people's fridge and just make whatever you could well that's that was my reality so then we were like let's build a show around that like ali hassan just kind of shows up but the networks don't go for that right because networks are like we have everything set up and what if you go into somebody's fridge and there's nothing you can do in that bridge i'm like okay so we'll open it before it's just a human hand in

there yeah we'll open it beforehand we'll take a quick screen and i'll be like yeah i can work with this right and uh it was more like a web series you know it wasn't going to be a super professionally done food network show but um that also yeah went nowhere i don't know keep pitching though i think that's the key now that you know what i can make out of my uh fridge baking soda on a cracker i still i got you beat Carrot and mustard does win But Leftovers The Leftovers The HBO series

It's about Like a few hundred million people In the world Just all vanish All at once Oh yeah And then everyone else Is the Leftovers

And it throws The world into chaos And people As everyone on the planet Has an existential crisis Interesting that You chose that show after a hiatus from television to come back to i heard it was good i know it feels like

what's the saddest thing on right now yeah it is heavy it's heavy um so i've been watching this formula one show the drive to survive so what is what is formula one is it right long cars little cars the longest cars the longest limo racing no formula one is like race you've draw a picture of a race car that's it okay it's it's like the big wheel big like the tires are out and there's like a big thing on the back and there's like hardly any car in the middle so it's not tallagate tallagate no it's not nascar no i know the answer to that only because in montreal where i grew up we had the grand prix every year grand prix and it was f1 racing and it was a lot of douchey men who would show up for three days every july it is a very douchey thing uh there's like it's it's different than other sports because people it's like there's open

secrets like oh you're not doing very well you're not gonna have a job next year and they're like yeah it's true i'm i'm a bad driver and then like one guy is like oh you will have a job next year because your dad is a billionaire and he's funding this team but if this team doesn't work out your dad just might fund a different team yeah it's true my dad is a billionaire yeah that's that's something i just have to live with i love the honesty of this sport already huh yeah it is weirdly like and like there's every so there's 10 race car teams and they all have two drivers and two cars and so the teammates are actually like competing with each other because the one the one who doesn't do as well might not have a job next year you know what these people should get uh get their unemployment checks ready to go like they

should have all the forms filled out resume should be up to date yeah this is like the ufc though this is like the ufc on wheels in a way because in ufc fighting it's the same you lose a couple of fights in a row and you just disappear regardless of what yeah incredible fighter you are the show focuses on the drivers and the owners and the people who are like the they're called the principals they're they're like the team leaders who are like in charge of the car and the mechanics and the drivers and one of them is married to a spice girl which spice girl he's in he's in his interest in f1 has never been so strong jerry jerry okay ginger spice nice nice good call yeah yeah yeah so she's she's wearing the that uh you know uni jack mini dress

walking around the entire show yeah yeah uh one guy is like uh it's an open secret that he's just like you know under investigation for tax fraud and he can't like travel i guess i won't see you guys in dubai this year but it's very it's like uh it's a very interesting side of a sport that i have no interest in otherwise because it's yeah to me it's just like a very loud sport yeah like that's the same thing with the last dance like i don't watch basketball i don't know anything about basketball but i loved it it was so like engrossed but i also like i know how to watch basketball like i know how to have a favorite team you sit with a bucket of popcorn i believe is that the way is that the way you guys do it in your area i don't know how to watch like car

racing i wouldn't be like oh my favorite my favorite team ferrari yeah for yeah but you can you can guess certain things i'm sure from watching the show like that maybe some sort of top that says ferrari or something like that would be a good start of how to watch it yes that's true i just don't know how to pick a favorite yes mazda is what you want to go with mazda reliable mazda i mean you know it's uh like when i meet hockey fans it's sometimes as random as that's the place i was born so now i always cheer but to me that makes sense i i know that's that's pretty random also you could have been born somewhere else your parents i, if only. If I was only born somewhere that was good at hockey. I know.

Yeah, you can't be a Canucks fan anymore, man. Search for a number two and dig down on that. Never. They will never. I'm a loyal guy. So what's your favorite car, Dave? What's my favorite car? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the show, which is like, do they have different things on them? Like painted on like, who should put some money on? Yes. I don't know. Well, interesting. I'm only on season two and right now they're shooting season four.

Yes. And all the, well, so many of the drivers have changed teams. It's also a show that I watch with Wikipedia open to be like, Oh, nice. Uh, how, what, what? So this guy who was racing for this team in 2018 they're talking about how he might switch his team

uh did he did he and he's like switched his team three times since then um i would go with red bull if you like uh race cars and you like yeah remind me who's your favorite spice girl um emma bunton oh okay well i don't know if she's affiliated but uh jerry halliwell deeper voice than normal and with that in the beginning yeah was she really always your favorite no it was you know i was a fair weather uh fan of all of them i I did just every, every time was a new, a new favorite. Every time I watched the video or heard the music. Did you have a least favorite?

Um, I don't know. I didn't, I don't think I was particularly interested in posh. Yeah. I was like, she was too good for dancing and I'm not sure how much she contributed to the singing.

That's kind of on brand, isn't it? She's posh. Yeah, I know. But her dad's a billionaire was funding the whole thing they're still together that's amazing yeah after all children or something i think it's yeah yeah they're they're built to last who knew who knew that bex and posh would make oh they're still

together i thought you meant the spice girls are still together oh no no posh wouldn't get back into the groove so if the spice girls were still together this podcast wouldn't exist dave you know that crane wouldn't have been able to make time for that's true spice girls that's right he was he was always touring around following following them with uh a big spice on his head an early stan a big spice on his head did you ever pay attention to the Spice Girls? me? I definitely did not I really, I mean I know now

a little bit more it just wasn't that exciting that type of music I think what year were the Spice Girls? what was I listening to? they were like the late 90s and I remember going on a holiday to England during that time, and it was fever pitch.

Like, everything you could get, any kind of product, was merchandised Spice Girls. So you could get just anything under the sun. An umbrella, gum, you know, just like miscellaneous candies, keychains, wallets, all that kind of shit. And it was everywhere. Everybody was nuts for them. And it was a good time to be there.

It was kind of my Beatlemania, if you. I like it. I'm sure I would have been sucked in for sure if I'd visited. That's a whole experience, right? You're part of a whole thing. Yeah. Late 90s. I don't know.

I was, was Arcade Fire out yet? I don't know what i was doing i was into some montreal bands i'm sure i was into i was getting into my punjabi roots listening to pangra oh yeah wally yes i don't know what i was doing i was i was all over the place in the late 90s me too i couldn't pick it i could not pick a team in the 90s i was all i don't know if i was super into the Spice Girls, but I couldn't avoid them. I assume that I thought they were pretty cool. Because, you know, what else was anybody? But I never bought anything of theirs. I bought one of their CDs.

I think their first CD, Welcome to the Spice. Is that? Welcome to the Spice Zone. No, I think it was just called spice girls i think what yeah and then spice world was pretty sussured after that and spice world being a movie that was a movie right movie with a soundtrack yeah great soundtrack movie maybe doesn't hold up even when it was first shown i don't think they were, this doesn't hold up from filming. This has gone off. This stinks. Anyway, yeah, so that's what I've

been up to. I've been watching this Formula One TV show. Are you going to watch it to completion? Completion, yeah. I love the idea of having the wikipedia open this is like a true learning experience it's absolutely it's absolutely a different world it's like who is this guy again it's it's a little bit like game of thrones where there's just like 50 white guys and i can't tell them apart come on lewis hamilton there's some black dudes there yeah he's yeah but then 50 white guys okay yeah all right so yeah i was watching the wire for the second time and everybody on that show speaks in slang or in jargon or you know like soup so i just watched it

all with closed captioning and i caught everything so that's my advice if you're if you're in a show where you're like i can't keep up i definitely watch this with closed captioning because there's a lot of like german accents too i watch i i think i watch everything with i even i'm re-watching arrested development with closed captioning and my wife was like you're gonna get addicted and i was like no and i'm fully addicted and the reason is because i can see writers choices and I it's like it's another level of excitement or entertainment I should say when I see the words in front of me I love the idea of some writer going we're gonna you know or maybe it's improv who knows but I don't know it's like double level of entertainment the delivery you find like as you're

doing it that you just realize that you're like you just aren't even reading anymore it's just all instantaneous uh no quite the opposite i find that sometimes i'm not even watching anymore i'm only reading i'm lost in the words oh my god this is i've ruined everything i looked at my phone for a second and now i'm lost in the show well my wife and i a show that I'll really recommend on Netflix, it's called Call My Agent. It's a French show out of France. Oh, yeah.

Le Dispoissant. It's called The 10%, but its translation is Call My Agent because we need everything on the nose here like morons. But anyway, Le Dispoissant, The 10%, Call My Agent. It's in French, and so my wife doesn't speak. She has Saskatoon French, which means negative five French. And so she needed to attack. I'm sure she knows. She didn't know.

She wouldn't pronounce it as well as you just did. I love hot dog. Hamburger. Hamburger. Yeah. Bibliotech. Popcorn. So we had to watch it with subtitles.

And I think that something happened because we were, we had never watched it. And then I think we watched two or two and a half seasons in a row. So then we were like, let's watch some more French stuff. We were enjoying the French stuff. We're so, we're so cultured in this pandemic.

Look at everything we're learning. We're amazing. And then more French, more French, a little Spanish. And then all of a sudden, what do you know? It's like I always need these subtitles on.

But I justify it by saying I'm enjoying it because of the writing that I see in front of my eyes. Yeah. And you're also losing. It's like you're reading a book. I read a book last night. Yeah, I read a book on Formula One racing. Yeah, yeah.

What's it called? What's it called? It's called arrested development season two episode three like a kid that's trying to pass off that as his book report yeah uh the cider house rules starring elijah wood as toby mcguire um what graham what's up with you um so uh lately because you weren't uh there was no way to do this for a long time and now all places have kind of slowly reopened so one thing i've been doing just to get out of the house is i go to the library i like going to the library go to different branches of the library sometimes i go there to work sometimes i go just to grab a book that i've

requested and uh but i mostly go there to work and i like working in the library and the rules are mask on the whole time you gotta know like even though if you're seated you can't take the mask off mask on the whole time not even to lick a book in one of the steps yeah they're strict over there yeah they're yeah exactly they're strict to the point of being rude um but yeah the uh so the rule is no no taking off the mask and also no food is the big thing in the library don't bring food into the library so i was working and a couple workstations down from me was an old guy probably in his like late 60s early 70s with a mask he was wearing the mask he was obeying that rule but uh he kept sneaking uh he had a giant box of raisins like i've only remember no raisins to

be in a small box this was either a bag kirkland it might have been kirkland it could be kirkland and uh this guy kept the whole time i was there he was taking like one raisin and then sneaking it up his mask i love it he thought he was getting away with it rookie mistake you gotta you gotta just put about 40 inside your mask yes and then you just eat from inside like a trough yeah like a feedback yeah yeah um but you you guys ever spend any time at your local library i thought this was going to be more about raisins well yeah we'll get to raisins you guys ever sit beside somebody who's sneaking a raisin one by one in i have trouble uh in those situations where I'm like, oh, yeah, what am I, how do I eat this thing with a mask on? Or like chewing gum, I find I've got to finish my gum before I put the mask on because my face moves too much.

I'm a very emotional chewer. Hilarious. Your emotional chewing and Graham's mustardy carrot would make quite a combination in the in the library huh or on the food network yeah absolutely some asmr youtube channel you guys got something you got something i don't know what it is but there's something there there's something there i definitely like for the longest longest time i never thought about the library never went to the library really and i've rediscovered it and i what do you what do you do you so you mostly work there i work there i get books out uh i don't get dvds out because i don't have a dvd player what uh you can get

i feel like i've heard you can get like sneaky subscription things oh yeah i think so yeah you can get like if a library card you can get like, if a library card, you can get like, uh, newspapers, online newspapers, subscriptions without even going to the library. Yeah.

Cool stuff like that. They're doing all sorts of stuff. There is like a streaming service that you can get to the library to watch movies. There's yeah, I think. And there's, uh,

I don't know if we have it in Vancouver yet, but it's called canopy and it's all these films and stuff that you can watch for free do you go to the big guy do you go to the big vancouver uh library yeah yeah yeah that one's the vpl vpl that's right yeah so i did a fundraiser for them once i got a thank you so much hey you're welcome that's something that i did for your city do you think it was for me do you think it was for my health My pocketbook Couldn't care less All for Vancouver

But you can go in there And do podcasts FYI Yeah They have like these padded rooms You can do voiceover work And stuff It's insane

They also have a Studio that has a green screen So you can like Come on If you're just doing Some kind of fun project That needs a green screen Yeah So it's The library's got it all up to and including old men yeah and they're raisins i'm

usually the youngest guy at the library that's not a kid i'm like i'm not as old as the old guys that are using it and i'm not as young as the kids so i'm really i'm in the middle of the pack. What do you, how many books do you read these days? I don't know. Like one and then I stop for a while and then I start another one. I need like, I need a lot of rest. What about late fees? Oh, I don't care about those. Because you go to the machine and it says pay now and I go, nope.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, gosh. You walk those off, eh? You just walk them off? There's Oh, gosh. You're walking those off, eh? You're just walking off? There's a machine now. You don't have a lady with glasses on a chain giving you a dirty look. FYI, Graham, I'm just thinking about, you know, I'm sure people who listen to this would be aware.

Graham used to run a show at Havana. Does Havana still exist, by the way? It does. Yeah, it made it through so uh the crazy thing about that show is how many things you'd have as giveaway prizes every monday yeah right which you'd get from like consignment shops and and so on right flea markets and all that yeah i think you could probably get a dvd player for like 10 bucks somewhere that's true that's true i could probably you're interested

if you want to make the most out of your library experience is there anything like that you watched at some point and now you can't find it anywhere on streaming or like an album that you liked and you can't find anywhere i feel like i keep running into that kind of problem tons yeah oh yeah and i'm just like uh i i have cable and i have like four streaming services and if i can't find the movie i want to watch i'm like the last thing i want to do is pay four dollars to rent it yeah but i know my my buddy and i have we on a little hiatus we'll be getting back together in october actually but we had a podcast called Eat and Drink. So sometimes we'd be like, let's review a movie

like The Big Chill or, oh God, what's the name of the movie with Tony Shalhoub and the guy who did The Big Night, right?

Or Big Night, not even The Big Night, Big Night. We can't find these. So I'm watching it in 11 parts on YouTube. Yes, the finest way. Big night. We can't find these. So I'm watching it in 11 parts on YouTube. Yes. Part two.

Part three. I was like a nightmare. I was like, how can I not find this? With a similar situation, three streaming services and cable. Come on, people. So I believe those are things, those are opportunities for the library to swoop in and be my savior. And I don't think of them enough. And I should.

I know. It's like a thing that has just existed in the background, but you're paying into it, regardless of if you use it or not. Unless someone from the Ford family starts running your province, then they don't fund libraries. Well, then we've got to fly in some comedians to have a fundraiser. Yeah, some Vancouver people. Come here and tell us what life could be like.

Yeah. Yeah. My, uh, my kid's school has a library obviously. And it's very, uh, very nostalgic for me when they bring home books for the library.

I'm like, Oh yeah. Yeah. Do you wipe them down too? Do you take, do you take some sandy wipes to the book? I don't know. No,

this kid's got to get some kind of germs, you know? Yeah. I guess so. We love, kid's got to get some kind of germs, you know? Yeah. I guess so. We love germs. I went to a Vietnamese restaurant the other day in Ottawa, and I thought about this. I was like, no, we're in a pandemic.

This is the right thing to do. I asked the woman if she could wipe down the shared bottles of sriracha and hoisin that are in the middle. And she oddly replied, well, I can't wipe down the inside of it. Yes. Because the hoisin was all up the side inside. And I was like, no, I don't. You know, it's a pandemic, right?

You're wearing a mask for a reason. Like we, oh, gosh, you made me feel very bad about asking. But I was like, that's okay, isn't it? And I'm asking my daughter. Every time. Yeah. Every time, specifically Vietnamese restaurants, because I think they have the spoons and the chopsticks at the table. Yeah.

Every time I've gone with people, they take out the chopsticks and wipe them all down with napkins and the spoon. Yeah, that makes sense. And then put them back in and use a fork instead. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, like, oh, it's too tricky. Yeah. put them back in and use a fork instead is that that's what yeah like too tricky yeah i have on multiple occasions been to a couple different chinese restaurants and they just bring me a fork they assume that i'm fork they don't even bother just look at all these grains of rice you

can't handle that you're the uh ivan decker has that joke about i've been i have the face of someone who's been told many times, the mild's pretty hot here. So you're that equivalent in the Chinese restaurants. Give this bad boy a fork. You won't need these, sir. Here you go. Don't worry. I brought my own.

Yeah. We believe you could use the chopsticks. We just think it would be gross to wash. Yeah, we think it would be gross. And, you know, we're not mad at you.'re just disappointed that you can't you have to use a fork um what is uh so what is the real point with me and chopsticks yeah sure fine i did once that's i said that off the top of my head but there was a moment where either drunk high or both at a Chinese restaurant with Dave Merhej and Alex Pavone and a bunch of Toronto comedians. And I went to get it, bring a shrimp.

I was like leaning back. Like I was like no longer eating, but actually I still was. Right. You know, when you throw in the towel, but you mentally, you have not thrown in the towel. You've only done it physically. Yeah. You're just kind of doing like you're showing off to the crowd i don't need this but in fact so i took a shrimp like a full three foot and i guess the strength i have is to only hold shrimp in chopsticks for two foot so then the shrimp dropped

on my chest and i was like oh god but i was in my own world because i was i think i was either drunk or high and then i picked the shrimp off my chest and put it in my mouth. And as I look up, there's four of the guys on this table of seven looking at me. I was like, ah. It's a table of comedians. It's like the worst. That gets reminded. They remind me of that a lot.

He's like, hey, it's shrimp buddy, everybody. It's shrimp. Shrimp shrimp. Yeah, no, they go. If I go, man, I don't know if I want to eat here. It's like, you know, it's Shrimp Buddy, everybody. It's Shrimp Shirt. Yeah, no, they go, if I go, man, I don't know if I want to eat here. It's like, you know, it's a little dingy looking. Okay, he can eat shrimp off his chest one day, and now this place is too dingy looking.

It's always something like that. They always bring it up at inopportune times. Well, do you guys want to move on to some overheards? Sure. Hey, excuse me, everybody. I just wanted to say a few words about the beautiful couple. I've known you two for a long time. And you get along like peanut butter and chocolate or you know like like uh comedy and culture like uh maximum fun podcasts actually they're having a block party from october 11th to

october 22nd and that's kind of like your party right you have a community of friends and family and max fun has a community of shows and audiences that support them you're having a new start with your life together and max fun will be putting out new episodes that are especially welcoming to new audiences so it's a great time to introduce your friends to your favorite show or jump into one you haven't tried before still talking about and they're setting up a volunteer event where we can help out our local communities. Plus, Maximum Fun is going to have games, prizes, episode wrecks,

so much other fun stuff. What's wrong with Kyle? Is he okay? Anyways, anyways, sorry for getting carried away there. If it's alright with everybody here, let's all raise our glasses for a toast to the MaxFun Block Party,

which you can learn more about at MaximumFun.org slash block party. And don't forget to join in on October 11th. Actually, that sounds pretty cool. Overheard. Overheard is a segment where if you get to see something or hear something, get to be near something that you think is remarkable, don't keep it to yourself. Send it to us at sby at maximumfund.org. We always like to start with the guest.

Ali, can you lead the charge? Well, it's interesting. The whole concept of this is very much an anti-terrorism slogan from New York City from a few years ago. If you see something, say something. Yes. And so I'm reminded of the trauma of sitting in the New York subway system being like, am I something? Are people looking at me and thinking something so this is a very traumatic experience for me i just wanted that's

how i'm going to open up this this chat you have traumatized me see something say something is traumatic yeah yes yeah yeah if you feel like you're being uh seen and said uh speak and spelled do you remember that There was like three years where young Muslim men couldn't wear backpacks? You guys don't remember that? It was a bad time, guys. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Backpacks. I think, like I know in some schools in bigger cities, all the kids have clear backpacks

so they can't have a Is that a thing? Yeah, they have these like plastic clear Isnpacks so they can't have a is that a thing yeah they have these like plastic clear is that crazy yeah yeah it is because at the end of the day your butt isn't clear huh that's a good place for a gun still isn't it you guys have seen bridesmaids haven't you the guy had his gun in his butt the whole time yeah that's right and i don't like if you had a gun would you tuck it in the front of your pants or tuck it in the back of your pants? Back.

Yeah? Back, for sure. The risk of it going off and me shooting off my dong is just, what a thought. Yeah. I look, I love my dong. That's all Dave talks about sometimes. You're not alone, buddy. I've heard a lot of people on the streets talk about your dong.

Yeah, word on the street is Dave's dong. It's highly regarded. Shumka actually means dong in Ukrainian. A lot of people not aware of that. Yeah, a lot of people don't know that. Dave Dong is his name. Where are the shumkas from? Can I just?

Ukraine. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Don't tell me I don't know a couple of two, three things about a couple of two, three things. Yeah, you know. It actually means whirlwind. No. And the world famous Shumka dancers.

Whirlwind. We call ourselves the whirlwind family because we would take our dongs and just swing our hips around. Yes, it was. It all comes back to the dongs. A kind of windmill slash whirlwind tour of our dogs i don't mean to put words in your mouth dave but i i don't mean to put dongs in your mouth dave do you have an overheard uh sure i guess um my overheard is an overseen overheards are very, uh, slim pickings this week. Yeah, me too. You'll see.

Um, but, uh, so I was watching, uh, TV and then, uh, uh, I had, I was working and Saturday night live was on. And when Saturday night live ends, they have that, uh, show hot ones where the guy eats the hot wings and interviews a celebrity. Yeah. And I was watching that. It was on mute. So I wasn't really watching it. And Kevin James was the guest.

Okay. The King of Queens himself. Yeah. Here comes the boom star, Kevin James. Yes. We all know him for different things. Yeah, he can wait. Yeah, that's right.

Paul Blart himself. Yes. So he is on and it's on mute and uh only about halfway through i realized oh he's bald yeah uh kevin james has got a shaved head oh which is odd to me because i i think of him as famously like having hair plugs oh yes doug heffernan had hair plugs yeah well it certainly looked like graham what do you think um yeah i mean i think anybody who kind of starts out a show with a certain receding hairline and then it just pauses there forever i feel like that's a good sign i think that's yeah like i think that's okay but he's his head is shaved in a way where you can see stubble.

It's like he's shaved his head, but he can still... He's still got... It's just odd to me that if he's got hair plugs, that if he shaved them, it wouldn't look like that. It looks like there's a hair growing, and he's just shaving it back. Did I ever tell you about Sean Proudlove, past guest? His friend got hair plugs and he's just shaving it back did i ever tell you about sean proudlove past guest his friend got hair plugs and then immediately went and got his hair cut at like a cheap

discount hair like smart cuts or whatever and they ruined the plugs that's an expensive that's an expensive mistake can you imagine my god you don't you go all out for the hair plugs and you're like i gotta save a little save a little green here so i googled i googled kevin james bald and and the first the first thing that came up is this article on distractify.com okay kevin james debuts new bald look in the crew netflix's latest TV comedy, from February of this year. And I'm going through this article. It's really kind of... Thin?

Yeah, kind of thin. Like his hair? Exactly. But here's a passage I would like to read. Yes, please. to read. Yes, please. According to some of his less well-meaning fans, there's a chance that the actor and comedian wore a wig or hair plugs during the taping of The King of Queens. The hit sitcom premiered in 1998, and it came to an end in

2007. Quote, after watching the very first episode of The King and Queens, I suspect now that Kevin James is either wearing a wig or has hair plugs end quote graham clark and i said that yeah that seems right that does seem right i was quoting your tweet was quoted in this article i was looking up about kevin james's hair i don't think it's the same graham clark i think it would be much more you think so i feel like graham would be much more uh uh mean about it that just seems factual that seems factual was it at graham clark is that where it was yeah that's me it says you treated in july

of 2011 yeah i definitely like i am very interested in who's balding and what they're doing about it. I'm fascinated by it because it's everybody's different approach, right? Like some people don't wear a full wig, but they wear like a piece that just covers like a certain angle. Some people get hair plugs. Yeah. Like David Letterman apparently had a hairpiece that was convincingly balding. Yes. And same with Ted Danson.

He had a really good piece. Oh, yeah. That was like learning that your grandpa or somebody close to you was bald. That hurt me. Yeah, exactly. I didn't like learning that. What's his name? Jude Law. He's really doing it it he's really going all out and i think it looks great what is he shaving it no like he'll keep it short sometimes he shaves it but he's just he's just has the oh my goodness so this was like

a month ago they put a wig on me and dyed my beard brown and it was like the greatest day of my life i just i was like can i keep this for a while i'm really big on the wigs do you think that it's too like if you just just started showing up in a wig is it too late for you or do you think people would be behind you i think my only hope is acting my only hope is on set and every every time I always say it, I go, if you need me to wear a wig, I just want you to know some people make assumptions. Yeah. I am willing to wear a wig. And then they always go,

ah, you don't want to do that. You know, everyone says that. And then just, it gets really itchy. And then I'm like, you shut your mouth.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Give me the wage or paint my head. These are the two options. Yeah. My favorite is Jason Alexander, who apparently just like puts it on as, as like a i love it i love it um me yeah if i had all the money i would go

i would go wig wild and i would try a different one every day oh here's another picture here's another one this was on a kid's show i love it i uh like i think that's a new you that's a new me it looks like that's kind of a beatles wig you're wearing there okay you know what it looks like for us it looks like a tribal a warlord in pakistan or afghanistan that's what my wife and i agreed on i look like a guy who should have a a machine gun and some traditional you know that's not what you were doing on this kid show i was a security guy i was quite simply the kids were the show was called see something say something the show's called i'll teach you a lesson graham do you have it over her um well here's the thing is uh there's these kids all these kids have been so bored stranded at home all these many months that i've noticed an

uptick in graffiti if you see a lot more graffiti than i saw even uh you know two years ago i feel like it's exploded and there's the same i see keep seeing the same style like a lot of people it's just like a squiggle right that you're like i don't know why you bothered that but there's one around my place that it's a bunny and then it's a drawing of a bunny and so it's at least you're like okay that's a brand that's a logo uh and the only other one that i've seen where i was like this is good this is the beginning of something good is somebody wrote butt waves wow so i'm big on i'm big on bunny i'm big on butt waves um you can find me at buttwaves.com yeah there are i love that there are you know a tagger gets really hot for six months yes and you're like who's writing john cusack on everything yeah exactly who's yeah exactly who's got a hot new twist do you have in toronto is there any like

one that you see over and over again no i used to see yeah shoot i i used to take this uh there's something called the up express which runs from union to pearson up up express uh and along that route i i live on the stop right before Pearson Airport. On that route, there was some great tagging. Yeah. And so sometimes my sons would come with me downtown for a baseball game or something. And I'd be like, show me the graffiti you'd like and show me the poor, bad work ethic graffiti. And then they would be like, is that bad? I go, that is bad.

That's some loser who hung upside down only to scribble something incomprehensible in one color. Get out of here. And the rest, it looks like really like commissioned artwork and stuff. It was, I'm a big fan of, like, I would love to have some graffiti artwork in my home. That's a tough sell on my wife, but like maybe in the basement or something. But I've never, it's been like a year and a half since i've regularly taken that train yeah probably some new stuff out there to check out probably some new stuff out there i'm gonna take that train tonight if you ever uh if you want some graffiti artwork in your house

and you you can't get your wife to agree to it just stage a break-in some guys broke in hate these unethical criminals who but you got to admire their handiwork yes they didn't take anything

let's not paint over this as a reminder of how poor our security system was in this house and me a security guard

yeah and me I'm doubly ashamed my love how did I not take care of you I haven't overheard from the suburbs and I'm not sure if you guys how did I not take care of you I haven't overheard from the suburbs

and I'm not sure if you guys will connect with this at all here we go did I let you finish yours by the way

Graham did I buttwaves buttwaves yeah buttwaves.com you already jumped on the

website we didn't know if you even did one well I don't know if this is going to connect

I mean this was a literal overheard it's quite literally playing know if you even did one well i don't know if this is going to connect i mean this is a this is a literal overheard it's quite literally uh playing your game yeah because i'm like look at what i'm overhearing here i go i walk to get my sons from school the school is a half an hour walk so and halfway through the walk i'm like this was a huge mistake but i'm like i screw it i'm here now so the next thing you know you get like like 6,000, 7,000 steps. So, it's a good way to trick myself into getting some movement, which I haven't had. So, anyway, I go to the school and in the, you know, there's these sort of this crescents where parents can park to do a pickup.

You know, like these pickup loops. Yeah. And I've never seen this before in my life. So, I have a huge huge source this is a huge source of stress for me coming from quebec where we work in inches as far as cars moving around toronto it's feet and then toronto suburbs it's many feet so i often see people park so far like you can you can almost fit a car between them but not quite and i'm like oh my god like it was a big thing when i moved to the suburbs i was like if these three cars Like you can, you can almost fit a car between them, but not quite. And I'm like, oh my God.

Like it was a big thing when I moved to the suburbs, I was like, if these three cars just moved one foot closer, you could fit a whole other car. But anyway, it's a fucking nightmare. But people, they value their, their space in the suburbs when they're in their car. So a woman got out of her car and asked a man, can you move up a few feet so that this person behind you can then move up and then I can fit behind them? And I was like, the ball's on this. The ball's on this person. I cannot believe this.

I've never, and that's like, for me, only a woman can get away. I don't think men can get away with that. I don't think a man man interaction in the suburbs that would have worked i think women you know when i used to date women who would like in the plane be like can you move over and i'm like don't ask this is the seat he probably purchased don't ask and then the guy would be like oh yeah sure yeah uh or in a movie theater women be like could you move over i'd be like they just found their perfect movie theater seat don't ask them don't screw this up they're doing it for you they're doing it for you

unbelievable so i just i couldn't believe my eyes because nobody does that everybody needs this tons of space and i overheard a woman for the first time ever go would you mind moving up a few feet so i and i just i was like i simultaneously she, she was a hero and a, and a villain. And a heel. Yeah. And a heel. I, yeah, I, I would do it for a woman. I would do it for a boy, a scary man, even a big boy.

Even like a school bully. If a school bully was like, Hey, can you move that Subaru forward a couple of feet? Oh, yeah. Okay, Dylan. Okay, what about the flip, though? Who would you say it to? You're not in the car, now you're getting out of your car. Oh, I wouldn't say it to anyone.

No. I'll go around the block. Yeah, exactly. Well, this is the thing. There's plenty of parking on the street, so the villainous part is that she's only saving herself and her kid 30 to 50 feet of walking. Yeah, that's what I would say.

That kid needs his steps. Yeah, I would text my kid and say, you've got to walk a whole block because I'm afraid of this woman. Just walk home today. Daddy's been a little rattled. Daddy's been a little rattled. So I just left. I was thinking the only way I would do it is I would sort of ingratiate myself,

maybe clasp my hands together in like a, a namaste type of a bow. Yes. Do you think you could maybe make, you know, um, I think people would buy that. You do me this kindness.

Could you do this? That's the only way. I don't know. I don't know. Anyway, hero or villain. That's what I ask you, but you have to be,

you have to have some experience with the suburbs to truly answer that. I want to see, I think she's a hero. I'd like to see her face on stamps. I'd like to see, you know, murals devoted to her by graffitos.

Graffitos. Now we have overheard sent in by listeners all over the map. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to Maximum Fun, or sorry,

spy at MaximumFun.org. And this first one comes from uh one of our favorites of all time and sheila abby's aunt sheila all the way over there in sweden hi sheila this uh is between five to ten minutes after school starts a first grade student furiously paper towels her hands dry she shouts into a group of her classmate for the last time i am not marrying the two of you what do you think it's like an officiant like it was on her hands yeah that's true what was on her hands that's a good that's a good starting point

yeah gosh every time i marry you two i end up with uh honey all over my hands or is it like uh you know the like spitting handshake oh yeah exactly it's like yeah you're you're wet you're married with this loogie ivy wet or she held both their hands because they wanted to get married and she was marrying them as an officiant but their hands were so sweaty and clammy she was like you're not ready for this yeah not because you're both you know seven years old but because your hands are clearly clammy you're nervous you're not ready you can't be nervous this is a big step you're taking yeah for her good for her yeah yeah did you ever in your youth have uh two kids that

they got married in the on the playground uh i remember we did, and it was like a banner day for everybody. I remember I had a friend who had two different girlfriends at the same time. It was an open thing. It was like, yeah, yeah. They were grade four or whatever. Debra's cool with it. She's super cool. I share my blocks with anybody.

It's fine. i married someone two years ago i married uh patrick hakeem and jen cicado who are comedians and friends of mine and uh do you know who phil lutzzi is you ever heard of phil lutzzi feels phenomenal a comedian performer of many years in the uh one of the most you know obscenely handsome and charming men uh it's offensive like it makes you uncomfortable you know um as he's aging he's looking like a more handsome italian man even though he was super handsome but he got booked on a television show and couldn't uh officiate the wedding uh i made a career on being the guy who comes in when the first guy

can't do it i've really that's been my key to success you're the back always be ready folks always be ready to come pinch hit and uh and so i did it and it was maybe one of the best um best times i've ever had i just roasted the couple really badly that's great yeah if anybody out there is thinking of getting hitched ali wants to be the one who doesn't yeah he wants to roast you you chumps yeah i i did a good enough job that dave merhez was nervous about his wedding speech that was going to be six hours later yeah that's also the pettiness of dave merhez he's like i can't let you have like a great moment at 2 p.m i have to have the better moment

at 9 30 yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna ride that wave and i'll show you yeah um this next one comes from mike from grand prairie alberta uh waiting to pick up my drink at a starbucks inside a saveway must be nice i just watched a guy mid-30s baseball hat oil field worker looking dude stop at a promotional rack of large packs of twizzlers that were on sale he excitedly put i don't know about 50 bags of twizzlers in his cart then he walked three steps stopped reverse the cart back to the rack and put every single one back oh oh wait no i can't wait a minute what do i doctors say yes twizzlers no twizzlers only twizzlers he looks at his phone oh she wanted tweezers give me one pack of tweezers not 50 bag of twizzlers i'm gonna be working crafty in the old oil fields oh an oil an oil an oil rig craft table i love it i love it that's

high budget that's big budget i'd do that for a couple of weeks i'm telling you the whoever's cooking up there in those uh oil camps or those you know lumber camps they they uh they make a good living i think absolutely an oil camp means that makes it sound like they're neck deep in oil. Yes, they are. That's how we get. You know how oil happens? Everybody wades into it. I guess I don't know.

Fills their basket. I guess I don't know what I thought I knew. When they come back, their skin is so smooth. So smooth. Yeah. Except for the face. This last one comes from Casey in Arkansas. My six-year-old has learned a lot of fun playground knowledge from first grade today was my favorite he turned to me after letting out a very quiet

fart and said you know some people say the silent ones are the deadliest like it's higher that kid for something, Stat. Like he's discovered it. Yeah, exactly. Have you heard? They say... Yeah, they say... Exactly.

The articles I've read have said that new research says... Is it true? In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. What up?

Stop podcasting yourself. This is Christine in Vancouver with an overheard. I was just in a real Canadian superstore, but boundary picking up ice to go camping. And while I was struggling, struggling in the freezer, I overheard what ended up being two EMTs speaking to a short woman in a black dress. And I don't know which one,

but one of the EMTs said to her, are you going to a funeral today? You're all dolled up. It was very weird. And dolled up for a funeral. Yeah. all dolled up and nowhere to go jet black yeah just well and you know what it's presumptuous to think that that person isn't a goth so yeah no yeah sure not all goths are going to wedding or sorry they're all going to weddings goths are always yeah weddings weddings. Get dolled up for a funeral. You might meet someone. Yeah, exactly.

And you know what? Take the focus off of everybody's pain and have them go like, hmm. Oh, hubba hubba. I'm getting some ideas. I'm getting some spring inspiration from that. Yeah. Oh, boy. You know, follow this up with the four weddings and we got a romantic comedy.

Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and guests. we got a romantic comedy here's your next phone call hi dave graham and guest uh this is anthony from austin calling in with an over read because it happened over text i was texting uh with my friend karen uh her name's not important but i like to paint a picture um and we were talking about our cats like we do and uh i forget, but I sent her a screenshot from The Lion King of Simba and Mufasa overlooking Pride Rock. And she said, what's this from? And I said, what? How is this iconic image not burning in your brain? It's from The Lion King.

And she said, oh, I've never seen it. But I get the gist. A baby tiger turns into a lion and i thought that was amazing bye so close so close to the actual plot oh no adorable that i'll tell you i'll tell you what his friend Karen, whose picture he painted, never did. Karen never worked at Future Shop in the 90s in the video department. Because that's where I was. And for a full year, the Lion King is what we played. The original Lion King we played on, I don't know, it must have been 80 TV screens on that wall of television.

Wow. And our boss, our manager, thought that Lion King would be the best video movie to sell the tvs so i've seen that movie nine billion times we used to work six days a week so yeah yeah karen and my life have not been the same we have not you know what i say to that yeah absolutely um It means no worries. For the rest of your days. One day you will die, but for the rest of your days, no worries. I never heard them say that once. I was too busy selling extended warranties.

It was the sound of my own voice that drowned out the Hakuna Matata. Yeah. Here are our C cables. Yeah, so I'm going to write down on this pamphlet what you're... Here, I'm going to circle some things. This is going to cost you this much, but you bring it to us. Yeah. Nice.

And your final phone call. Hey, Dave Graham and guests. This is Andy from Brooklyn calling on an overheard. I was out at the beach at Fire Island. I was taking the Fire Island ferry back to the mainland. And there was this guy on there. He's talking about this kid. And for some reason, they started talking about the Titanic.

And the kid asked the dad, so how big was the Titanic? The dad actually seemed to think about it for a minute. And he goes, it was about three times the size of our house. So I'm thinking this guy either has a truly gargantuan house out there somewhere, or he's completely full of it. So I kept listening to him, and then he completely erased all doubt and told his son that the Titanic sunk in the Pacific, at which point I had to step in.

So no, it was actually traveling in the North Atlantic. Off I go. no it was actually traveling in the north of the United States the idea that he had to step in at the end no I can't let you do this anymore sir you've already lied about your house you have a child sir have some respect for himself and yours okay what's the square footage of your house

also the kids gotta learn about the Titanic for some reason, but they have to because otherwise they can't enjoy the film. Or maybe that's a good way to learn it. Anyways, don't let me be the judge. That's one of those, you say it and then you've already said, check, please, you're on your way out. You can't interrupt, say something,

embarrass a father in front of his son, and then just go back to reading the paper and eating soup. Yeah, exactly. You got to move. You got to get out of there. That's right. You have to move and you have to pick a fight with somebody immediately to prove your dominance again. Exactly.

That guy just served my dad. He's my dad now. I want to be with him. That guy just big ded my dad. He's my dad now. I want to be with him. Look, I just big dick to my dad. Or you, or you do it a second time. Hey, Mike,

Mike, you missed it. You missed it. I just told this guy right here about the Titanic in front of his kid. Oh, this guy's not scared of anything. Yeah. No,

son, we got to change trains. I have to go report myself to Child Protective Services for not knowing how big the Titanic was. He jumps out of the train window. I always loved you, kid. What? Both of you, I want to know,

if someone asked you how big was the Titanic, what would you say? A couple of football fields, maybe two football fields, is my guess. I just go, do you know how Google works? I try to make them feel nice, even though I'm the dumb guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, two football fields, but like four football fields on top of each other. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, Canadian football field. Yes. Yes. A little bigger. we big dicked you america how do you like that damn right just a little bigger um but it makes a lot of difference um so that brings us to the end of this here podcast ali thank you so much for being our guest oh i love it man thank you guys thank you so much for being our guest. Oh, I love it, man. Thank you guys. Thank you for having me.

And people can find your, you have a new show on CBC called run the burbs. It starts January 5th, 2020. To say I have a new show makes me sound very important and I like it and I won't contest it. Uh, but I will add that I'm what's called a recurring guest star.

So I'll, uh, I'm on a number of episodes and it's a show I'm pretty excited about. It's pretty fun. It's been a lot of fun. Uh, Aurora Brown is one of the guest stars. Oh yes.

Yeah. Who you, uh, you may have had on the show. Tell me you have, tell me this show is worth it. No, we haven't had a single Baroness,

not a single Baroness. Hey, Chris Locke is on the show. Who was on recently and it stars, uh, Andrew Fung. I don't know if you know, Andrew. Yes. From, who was on recently. And it stars Andrew Fung. I don't know if you know Andrew. Yes.

He's from York, Calgary. Exactly. And a woman named Rocky Mazzario. You may not know, but you will soon enough. She's great. A couple of phenomenal kid actors. It's shaping up to be something very fun. These kid actors, they know about the Titanic?

I'm going to find out. I'm on set Titanic? Is there anybody to set them down? I'm going to find out. I'm on set tomorrow. I'm going to set them down tomorrow. Ali, Mr. Hassan, you're needed on set. Not now. I'm educating the children, for God's sake.

Thank you, guys. Thanks so much for being on. My pleasure. And thank you, all you out there, for listening. You know what? Go out,

enjoy the graffiti in your neighborhood. See what's going on around you and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.