Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 708 - Darcy Michael

Episode Date: October 12, 2021

Comedian Darcy Michael returns to talk Tiktok fame, playing hockey, and old elevators.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 708 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man with a plan in Iran for Afghanistan, Mr. Dave Shumka. Boy, what rhymes, what rhymes. Baking pan. Vodka crayon. No, no, no.

You're getting in my head. Yeah, man. Yeah, there you go. Oh, wait, you already said man. Oh, boy. Isle of man with two N's. Yes, there you go. You did it.

I wasn't worried for a second. I knew you'd be able to do it. Hi, Graham. It's week one of the um max fun block party yeah i've got my hot dogs ready to go we set up a mini golf course did you go to the block party around here in the summer no oh the block or a couple blocks from my house had a block party and um they had like you know cornhole which is i can't believe they're still a game calling it that in this day and age and uh they had a dunk tank they had an honest to goodness dunk tank nice and like kids were lining up to dunk people and kids were lining up to be

dunked oh yeah being dunked that seemed like a that was like a fantasy growing up was being in a dunk tank because then you get to sway like you get to sass off to people so that they try to sink you yeah and you get then you get to splash down when we actually yeah kim kardashian was there hmm i i say i say kim kardashian was there and uh uh she was lining up to be dunked i say foghorn lakehorn everybody not just to be dunked to be dunked i mean did i say it right yes you did um our guest today a returning guest to the podcast, one of our faves. He's very, very funny. You can listen to him

each and every week with his co-host Jane Stanton on the podcast, High School Suck. It's Darcy Michael. Heyo! Hey, Darcy. Speaking of cornhole, my beautiful town decided to turn

our street right outside of my driveway into a public park for the summer. And it was cornhole and bocce ball and ping pong tables for drunks to play at three in the morning. Oh, yes. Right outside of my bedroom window. So, yeah, we had like a three month long block. Nightmare. Yeah. Kim Kardashian was there.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What was she doing? I say. she was uh badunk in her badunk i don't know hi guys hi uh thanks for finally having me back well we went we wanted you to get a million tiktok followers first you did it well i doubled that uh um do you have a lot of tiktok followers let's get into it well let's get to know us do you not know about darcy i'm trying to learn that's why we're getting to know us what do you have so many followers on tiktok we're at two million now are you serious yeah yeah we get we get 65 million views a month is our average who's me jare and i uh which is bizarre in its own like the fact that i'm even saying those words that uh jare is involved at all blows there is your husband yeah this is for new listeners for new listeners jare's my husband uh 18 years and uh this year

he has become a completely different human being it's it blows me away like in a good way or a bad way oh yeah no it's amazing he's a full-on star it's uh it's break this down what what are the videos how does this work how does anything in TikTok work? Okay, old man. Graham is on. I'm not on TikTok. Graham is on TikTok. Are you on TikTok, Graham? But not as a publisher.

I got like 50 followers or something. How's that? Graham doesn't produce any content. No, I don't produce any content yet. You got to get there. Yeah. It's a game changer. We got into it before we started recording before you joined grim but

i had tiktok for like a year with my i just had an account set up for my dog and the only reason i was doing it was because their editing software in the app was just better than instagram and i thought okay i'll just edit the videos and put them up there and then just transform to instagram and then like she blew up in i want to say november last year same thing happened to my friend's cat it turns out her urethra was blocked well the next thing i knew my dog had more followers on social media than i did and i got super jealous because it was like here's a basic bitch golden retriever with a hundred thousand followers she has a rock obsession that people really like uh and so i got jealous and i was like i'm gonna

start start my own page and i just put up uh pictures of the dog and like yeah i did do one video from her account telling people to go follow her dad. Didn't work. I think I got like 40. They were like, okay, fatty, settle down. We're here for the blonde with the legs. We're also obsessed with rocks. She's my little amateur geologist.

So what is it? Is is your stand-up or slice of life started with stand-up i started just posting posting clips like the first clip i posted was from my crave special and it got like a million hits overnight wow because i was like i realized their algorithm is so smart i've been trying to reach like queer audience donor audiences gay parents that kind of audience for a long time. Uh, and the algorithm just knows to send it to those people. So it just started like,

it started with that. And then, uh, I just started like filming Jer and I around the house, like just catching us doing like knowing he was going to get mad about something. And so I'd start recording and just it was more just entertainment for him and i during the pandemic because yeah just so we started the

account in january i think uh and we were just so bored and then i was like oh you know this would be a really great place to prove the concept of the sitcom i've been trying to get made because ctv had just canceled it or you try to make jare mad basically and now it's the other way around like jare's fully taken over the account like he uh now he makes you mad yeah it's not even uh it's we don't actually fight on it i did do one prank for like a week where i was i had heard uh george clooney on smart list talk about how he had pranked Richard Kind in the 80s by watching the East Coast feed of Jeopardy and getting all the answers. Clooney's incorrigible, man. Yeah, and Kind falls for everything.

So I did that for a week with Tara. We watched Jeopardy every night. And so I just started watching at four o'clock and writing the answers on a cheat sheet. And I filmed him uh and it just it was just he was getting every night he was getting madder and madder because he normally wins uh and so like it was he was storming out of the room it was really funny so the the edit of that one uh was good and now here we are so like you post something once a week or every day or fuck yeah no we post we probably post like 4 to 6 videos

a week yeah if we took 3 days off and the comment sections were getting real pissed off the fuck is this where the fuck are you guys you work for me well and since they're paying our

mortgage i'm like yeah all right here's some fucking content you little buggers so how does it work then you you get that many followers and then somebody says i own a shoe concern or uh something like that i own a pistachio farm can i uh please we have uh yeah we've got agents that deal with it uh and sometimes companies come to us but the agents go out we did like jare filmed one we were i lost my wallet one night and my wallet has always just been whatever the newest freshest pack of gum is that i bought right i just slipped my cards in there because you can you can fit a join in between the packs of the piece of gum you can put brand what brand of gum do you like excel uh and so anyways excel just uh sent us a bunch of money to do another ad for them wow great sure let's do it sell my soul yeah this is a whole this is all exciting new world because like does youtube still is that a good track or is youtube over

and it's all tiktok now i don't know i still we we still put content on youtube but i don't think i just don't think the algorithms as smart as tiktok it's terrifyingly smart yes i was reading an article in the new york times a couple weeks ago not to brag well then why are you bragging but the amount of people realizing they were gay from their tiktok for you page because tiktok basically knew they were gay before they did wow i'm talking to you sean mendez let's see that for you page when i open my tiktok for you page it's all a lot of like small penis videos coping with small penis i don't think that's tiktok i think you're just taking a picture oh okay i think that's just a selfie

dave's content is very risque and he gets a lot of donor uh you know donor requests peanuts peanuts uh again uh you know pistachios cashews and i just want to welcome all the new listeners um uh dave if you had a tiktok what would you be putting on it videos a monster some kid kid stuff yeah probably the dog that's where it's at he just sleeps and people i think people crave that yeah people do crave but i'm afraid i'm afraid of tiktok because it's um you know uh chinese espionage app yeah but you know whereas instagram is american espionage and those guys are way more trustworthy homegrown espionage instagram has the decency to to go down for half a day right we're recording this on the day that uh facebook and instagram uh had an all-day outage

and you'll always remember where you were when and you'll be able to tell your kids that great story jerry was really upset because it's his birthday today and he was like oh yeah it goes down now i don't get all my facebook notifications well thanks for recording uh recording with us on your husband's birthday yeah he's not here don't worry about where is he he's working oh no that's why you didn't post any tiktoks today he's working oh no we posted we bank him we bank them that's so cool that's um i i don't know how long is is one of your skits and you know what feel free to use this in your skit thanks dad uh they're like some of them are like 20 seconds some of them oh yeah up to a minute uh it's really fly on the wall kind of style like it's just like you you're basically just eavesdropping for a minute. It's really fly-on-the-wall kind of style. It's just like you're basically just eavesdropping for a minute.

Yeah. There's not a lot of production value going into these. No, but is there production value on any of these? Not really. I mean, but they seem very well-edited for the most part. They're well-edited, and they're not lit too badly. They're all lit.

Yeah. That's right, dave that's true they all slap um they uh my problem is that like they end up on everything like a you get this is it's like uh you know uh yeah giving your kid a ketchup bottle it ends up on everything i don't know the irony is our daughter was over last night and she was like you guys raised me for you know like especially in my teenage years screaming about being careful about what you put on the internet and now you guys are just dancing around like a bunch of fools five times a week i was like yeah it's a bit different your daughter called you a fool was she from a different era yeah she is she's very she's very mature for her age she's 47 years old

but i uh i mean like the the uh you know you i i'm not on tiktok but i see tiktok videos on instagram and i see them on reddit and everywhere and i i uh i i guess i don't know what my point is but i did see a good one today of a school where they uh they banned they banned um backpacks okay because of because of guns i don't it didn't explain but it was just videos of kids like carrying around like strollers stuff yeah and or like with different containers and like someone had some kind of promotional M&M from a store that was just like supposed to hold bags and bags of M&Ms and they're just dragging it around school. It's like when the New York subway system said you can only take dogs on the subway if they fit into a bag. And so you've got all the Ikea bags with the legs cut out and a full golden retriever, just going onto the subway.

Oh man, this is a, this is all this content is stuff I can, uh, I crave, you know, it's all stuff that, uh,

dogs and subways, backpacks, you know, in Silicon Valley, Graham content is king. That's true. That's true. Uh,

why don't we, why don't we just put our podcast on tiktok and then we'll get some excel money yeah release it one minute at a time this week we've banked 90 weeks of stay tuned for part two um today is your husband's birthday what is uh do you have a party do you make dinner what's the what's the big plan we did it last night we had uh i got him a nintendo switch because he's wanted one and then i didn't know what games to get him so i just bought him like all of them uh so we just took a bunch of mushrooms and uh played video games and hung out nice it was

yeah it was chill what did you what games did you play we played oh my god we played mario party for way too fucking long uh anyone every single time have you ever played marion party no what it's basically like a board game where you're like trying to get around the board collecting stars and then every after everyone's role you play this you play these mini games long story short it's bullshit uh what why it's got mario in it we played like five i think they're each one's like 45 minutes long and we played five of them and he won every single one. Maybe you gave him the wrong, maybe you just gave him some like shiitake mushrooms. Yeah, that's just it. He just had some regular little mushrooms on his burger and I'm just over here.

The schnauzberries taste like schnauzberries. Is that too old of a reference? No, that's an eternal reference reference like meat is back on the menu i feel like that's an old one from the lord of the rings yeah it was it was a chill birthday we're still like uh you know like my mom's going through cancer treatment so we're still being uh super kind of bubbly with our uh with co and stuff just because i i gotta i have to see my mom uh a lot so i'm just like man we're not gonna have like parties or anything we went for dinner for the first time a couple weeks ago and it was exhausting like not to be able to lay

down on the couch right after you finish chewing oh nothing i've often said there should be a restaurant like that where you eat and then there's just a couch you can lie down on a small tv that you can just watch or you can look at your phone it's up to you yeah yeah i'm fine with just my phone i'm like just give me a couch come over with a menu of pillows that you can have and i even found like sitting up to eat was tiring because i guess i've been leaning a little bit while we uh while we eat dinner over the last couple years. Sure. It was definitely a little overwhelming. Where do you normally eat in your house?

Are you a standing over the sink guy? Standing over the sink for breakfast and lunch 100%. And then we're at the coffee table in front of the TV. We watch Jeopardy. Nice. Have our dinner like a couple of old biddies. And your daughter, she's all grown up. Does she live with you guys or is she off to school?

No, no. She just turned 23. So she's got an apartment with her boyfriend. And then she does a bunch of, uh, she works for BC Wales. So she goes on like three month long research trips. What? Yeah. So she just got back.

She was living on an uninhabited Island, North of Haida Gwaii for three months. Wow. Researching Wales. Just hanging out. Yeah. It's pretty wild. Works for BC Wales.

I don't even know what that is, but I think I can use context. They moved here from Hartford. It was. That's amazing. Like, it's pretty awesome. She's a pretty smart kid. That's amazing. She go to school for that or just kind of worked her way.

Yeah, she she was. We started. She started volunteering at the She, she was, we started, she started volunteering at the aquarium when she was like 14 or 15. Uh, and then she got a degree in biology from Simon Fraser. Cool. And just kind of went from the aquarium and met this, uh,

this organization and just kind of started from there. What would you do on an uninhabited Island? Like if you got on, I i try to get off of it yeah yeah yeah i'd probably be like this is not meant for me yeah but would you like spend a night there just to freak yourself out or would you i i often i couldn't do it i had like i i don't camp because my imagination's way too active like in any kind of noise freaks me out i just assume it's a serial killer and we've got to run uh i like the idea of a serial killer that leaves his phone ringer on jerry used to take grace camping and i would stay at a hotel

like near the camp i love it i'll catch you guys in the morning yeah yeah and it wasn't even like they were like, can I bring you like a pocket full of croissants from the continental record pancakes on demand. Oh, the omelet bar, this place. I,

uh, I watched, uh, the Blair witch project last night and, uh, fuck, it's still scary. so i've never seen it yeah oh no if you like if you're afraid of outdoor and spooky things it'll it'll would blow your mind

open it's too too scary yeah that's like even like that new one that came out squid game i couldn't get through the trailer i was like no i'm done too scary is that a movie or a show i think it's a limited series d Dave. Oh, don't talk down to me. You're too afraid to even know what it is. Graham, are you into that? I'm going to start watching it. It feels like it blew up overnight. Much like a certain somebody's TikTok account.

Yeah, the difference is Netflix puts it on the front page. It's pretty easy to blow it up and i guess that if you did end up on the front page of netflix then you're just everywhere you go people would just be like where do i know you from kind of thing yeah yeah cool yeah you'd be able to get a nice nice hotel room for while your husband and daughter go spend the night outside i was on the front page of red about eight years ago, I think. Oh, yeah? And it was the most terrifying day of my life.

Because of all the places on the internet, I think the last place I would want to be on the front page is Reddit. Yeah. Because that comment section can just be awful. It was just for, like, someone had filmed me doing a stand-up thing and posted it. And it just kind of uh comedian destroys heck yeah it was when i used to it was it's got to be longer than that because it i used to read a complaint letter that the comedy man or when it was yuck yucks that they got about me and uh it was just so fucking hack like the idea that that video even exists makes me upset

you were one of the mean comments on reddit bullshit who gave this homo a microphone the fuck is wrong with the world man oh man yeah i like do you comment on tiktok or you just, like, love, hate? Our comment section's insanely nice. Oh, that's nice. It's a really lovely little spot. Our dog's account trolls every one of our videos. She's been blocked or, like, banned on TikTok, I think, six times this year because of comments she's left on our videos. Like, she just full on.

It's so fun. comments she's left on our videos like she just full on it's so fun uh you just see this like really cute video of jared and she'll just be like fucking hacks move on it's really now do you um like do you know when she's commenting or like because she's sneak around like does she how does that work exactly i don't know how she does it without the thumbs she goes outside she's still voiced in text yeah she's got her assistant does it um well you were talking about uh a possibility that this could stir up some interest in a sitcom you were working on what was the tell us about a sitcom you were working on. Tell us about the sitcom you were working on. Oh, God. This one's been in the...

It's been one that I thought was going to go about seven times in the last five years. But we had it in development for years with Belle. And then just before the pandemic. For American listeners, Belle is the girl from Beauty and the Beast. Yeah.

Yeah, you'd say we i think we would still try to do it the irony is i you know like now that was the intent was to use this as a proof of concept and then take it to the networks and try and sell it but you know like i'm making more money on tiktok than i was when i did two seasons of a sitcom on ctv before and so i'm like okay well cool like yeah oh it tracks and since you brought it up how much money do you make not enough that i couldn't say no to this. Oh, by the way, Darcy, we send our guests $100 in Canadian tire money. Thank you. I will use it. Well, I hope that it gets the interest going, because that sounds like a fun sitcom. Would it be you and Jer, or would it be you and a bunch of actors?

Yeah, I don't think Jer is interested in acting. What about a reality show? Oh, God, no. No, we would definitely. We've already said no to a reality show, just because it's based on drama. You know, and like, Jer and I have a great relationship. I don't want to ruin that by being on reality TV. Whose relationship was ever ruined by reality TV?

I don't know, but knowing my luck, I'd be the first. I know that a few people have gotten together. Boston Rob and Amanda. Amber? Amanda. I would do Survivor in a heartbeat for sure.

Even though I'm afraid of camping. It would definitely that, or we would a heartbeat, for sure. Even though I'm afraid of camping. It would definitely be that, or we would do Amazing Race, for sure. I've heard of people saying that about their significant other, that they would go on Amazing Race. That seems like a relationship killer. It literally just occurred to me that that title of that show, is it based on Amazing Grace? Maybe. Maybe. is it based on amazing grace maybe maybe uh yeah that one would be a tough one because we fight a lot when we travel like we bicker uh so i don't know if it would be good for our image to do the show but we also have like we we travel a lot or used to uh so i think we'd be it would be

fun to see if we could do it where do you travel what's your what's your destinations like uh we used to go to puerto vera like four times a year uh or i would go four times and jare would join for two or three depending on his schedule uh it uh and then just the thing we had put off doing a trip until Grace was like, we were going to put it off until she had fully graduated. And then in 2019, I was like, let's just go to a friend of ours had passed away. And she was like, you know, one of her regrets was not doing a trip to Europe with her husband. And I was like, oh, you know what? You know what will spite Ashley?

If you and I go and we can rub it in her dead face. And so, Jared and I went to, we went to Europe for a month and a half or so. We did Amsterdam and Spain and the UK, and it was incredible. And then we came home and literally the world shut down, I think, like a month later. Wow. So, it was one of those where we're like thank god we went yeah for sure spain was uh spain and amsterdam were my favorites and um like i i went to england like two months before the world shut down and i remember even then thinking like oh

yeah we probably like they said the virus was only in China at the time, but no, it wasn't. It was everywhere. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I remember being, like, sick in January and being like, this is a weird flu. Like, it's not like how, you know, like how a normal flu feels, but I've never been tested, so I don't know if it was that. Well, that's the important thing they tell you. Never get tested.

Yeah, never get tested. Because once don't know if it was that. Well, that's the important thing they tell you. Never get tested. Yeah, never get tested. Because once you know, you start going downhill. It's all downhill from there. What did you like most about Spain and Amsterdam? I mean, I think I know what you like about Amsterdam. I think that was a given. Amsterdam was great because uh he honestly we it was really fun to just take a bunch of drugs and go to different museums every day yeah and be like oh let's smoke a joint this time and go to a museum and oh let's

take truffles and go to a museum it was the same museum every time they really don't like that at the anne frank house yeah they don't they don't not a big hit what did you do when you were where were you in spain uh we did barcelona and a little town called sitches uh which is uh just like it's short for situation yes well here's the thing we were it was recommended to us by this older gay guy from our tennis club here in ladner and he was like you have to go uh here's the hotel to stay at you're gonna love it uh and it's like an hour south of barcelona barcelona yes i was waiting for you to correct yourself sorry apologies to our barcelonian listeners uh and the new listeners our barthelonian listeners uh and the new listeners anyways we go and it is uh it's this tiny little seaside village it's so cute tons of really good restaurants but

huge queer community like especially an older gay man male community and all of the bars have chairs sitting facing other bars. And, but there's like 200 seats outside of the four main pubs and they're all just facing the same, like facing each other. And so you sit in these chairs and just stare at men across the way. And it's a very cruisy town is what chair. And I discovered afterwards we're like

oh like i don't necessarily know if this guy from our tennis club knows what we're into but this is not it no yeah i like a swivel chair i want to be able to look wherever i goddamn want yeah it was very like just sitting there like beside each other. Like, okay. Uh, but it was very relaxing. It was very, but like, I've never heard of that.

Uh, it was a very weird thing. I'd never really seen it before. We would definitely go back, but we had planned a full week there, uh, thinking there would be a lot to do. And we spent a week just kind of chilling out by the beach and stuff,

which is fun for us for a little bit. Yeah. My ADHD doesn't love just laying on the sand. Well, you can build a castle. There's nothing that says you can't get up and dig a hole. I'm also kind of lazy too, though. I don't want to be, you know, I want to lay, but then I just want to fucking go.

Just lay where the water comes in and let the water kind of wash over your body every couple of seconds. See if you survive. How did he drown? Yeah, it's... Traveling like that sounds great. That sounds really good. It was definitely fun. And then we came home and got a dog so we won't be doing that again. Oh, yes.

Now it's time for us to learn about this dog. We know that this dog has quite a following. It loves rocks. Yeah. That's my Yuma. Why Yuma? Originally, because we looked up the sunniest spot in the world, and it's Yuma, Arizona.

We did not research past that. Apparently, it's a fucking hellhole. It's where, like, there's a prison hellhole it's where like there's a prison and that's basically it and it's just full of inmates like you know overheating because it's so sunny there isn't there like just 310 to yuma isn't that a yeah yeah movie uh but when we found out it was yuma just was fun to say yuma dog yeah that is fun We want to get a cat and name her Ida. So we got Yuma dog and Ida cat

just for no reason at all. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. You can say I don't care to do. Um, where did you,

where do you get Yuma? Uh, we rescued her from a breeder, which is what you call straight folks. her from a breeder which is what you call straight folks listen i am all for rescuing dogs we had a dog no one's against it by the way no no i mean like i i do feel like people get on us because we did get her from a breeder but we had a really bad rescue about five or six years ago uh

that really bankrupt literally bankrupted us and caused like i have 17 uh stitches in my thigh from this dog and jared and i both had major ptsd from having that dog and neither one of us wanted a dog and we came home from europe and my parents had to go away and they had just gotten a golden retriever puppy and so they were like please can you look after this dog and we fell in love uh and that's when we were like maybe this can be our like stepping stone back into getting uh back into like having dogs again so we went and got yuma from uh from the same breeder and we were like okay now we'll rescue again but i do feel guilty about you know that's why i say we rescued her from a breeder

yeah paid the money it was a woman that was like i don't know what to do with all these dogs just like a rescuer too many puppies too many i'm overwhelmed if i don overwhelmed. If I don't find out something to do with this dog in 15 years, I'm going to have to put it down. She's from the mean streets of Chilliwack, I believe. Right. Yeah, absolutely. What kind of dog is yours, Dave? Mine is half Boston Terrier, half Chihuahua. Oh, the annoying part of both halves

the annoying part of everything although he does he's a good uh considering he's so young he's a good like sleeper yeah he's very he can rest but uh when it's go time it's a goat yeah also it's go time on the floor every single day we made the mistake of training and you'll hear it at some point because she'll wake up we put a bell beside the door uh and so yuma rings it when she wants to go out oh i would love that we've tried that uh but uh it's just it's mostly i want to pee on the floor well, Yuma uses it to just summon us because she knows that. Sometimes it's not even that she wants to go out. She just wanted us to both, you know, come to her and sit with her or whatever. It's very annoying because she'll ring the bell at three in the morning and you think, oh my God, she's got to go to the bathroom.

And you go out and she's like, come cuddle me on the couch. I don't ever have to go to the bathroom you go out and she's like come cuddle me on the couch yeah i don't ever have to go to the bathroom wait a minute um tell us for for the listeners out there that haven't heard your podcast it's uh it's i mean this is very you're doing this very interviewee yeah but i want new listeners to get the whole oh sure yeah but like i just i just want people to know that like Darcy's our friend. We know Darcy. Yes, we do know Darcy. That's true.

I mean, he's our friend. I mean, I don't think I've talked to him since he was last on the show. I mean, I don't dislike him. We go way back. I actually, we met before either one of us were comedians. You were roommates with one of my best friends from high school. You guys were university roommates. We didn't know we met until later, right?

Yeah, Bill put it together. He was the one that was like, you know, I lived with Dave. And I went to high school with your camp girlfriend. Isn't that right? Did you? With Stephanie? Yeah. Oh, no way.

She was the realtor that sold me this house oh weird full circle yeah it's full circle um you met you were trying to offload a house and then uh all these years later um yeah how why do you guys did you live in vancouver or do you do you always live uh where you live now no she's from north bank i'm from north i grew up there and jare grew up out here and we lived in the west end until grace was starting elementary school uh and the the school uh we jare and grace's birth mother wanted her to do uh french immersion uh and there was one out here jare worked at a restaurant out here so he was already commuting and i was like yeah right it's

cheap you know like i think we were paying at the time maybe like eleven hundred dollars for this tiny little studio in the west end uh and we moved out to ladner and we had like a three-bedroom apartment for maybe 600 bucks at the time. I hated Ladner for the first seven years we lived here. I just never wanted, I would get up every morning and I'd drive into the city and then I'd do shows at night and come home and be like, we stand Ladner.

Dave and I stand Ladner. We love it. Yeah. It's a, you can't pay me to leave now. It's I love it. It's we've been here. Excel gum. Yeah. I don pay me to leave now uh it's i love it it's we've been here excel gum has uh i don't have to leave for them i don't have to leave they have a new deal new deal also stephanie

for all your real estate needs listen i'm not talking about them they're not paying me they're not paying me for the podcast so oh you know okay well then fine you know what i like stride gum it's got those little crunchies in it. It's hard to find these days. I can't find it. I've been having to, I've been chewing five gum. Ooh, five. That's what Jared chews.

I'm just kidding, Excel. He's only Excel. Yeah, no, it's Excel only. We're an Excel household, yes. Yeah. Graham, well, you're a Trident man. I'm a Trident man, through and through. You know who else is a trident man poseidon i was waiting for it i jare found because jared didn't uh quit smoking with nicorette and uh chewed it for years and years and the five gum is is the

same the texture that's as close to nicorette oh well graham so uh graham has transitioned from nicorette to just chewing right now right yeah just tried it okay i'll tell him to try it yeah because it was uh the gum the gum now is is actually much better than it used to be it tastes like regular gum the gum now but the old gum was just like a block of like really intense rubber. I was kind of like chewing on a rubber band for an hour. Yeah. And I transitioned from smoking with some sweet fat clouds of mango vape. Well, so your podcast, right? High School Sucked.

Right. Yeah. So High School Sucked. Did High School Suck? Yes and no, I guess. there are definitely parts of it i i wish i knew how many gay guys actually were at my high school then as opposed to how many i know about now because i think i would have crushed way more ass if i put a little effort in yeah uh that's what everybody says about their high school experience yeah it's definitely been an interesting experiment doing that this podcast uh you've done an episode dave is on the list no i've been i've been banned because i because i

badmouth you so much on tiktok oh that's you dave and yuma are just trolling away yeah uh and uh it's been fascinating to see you know like having comedians and actors on talking about their high school experience and you know like you see similar arcs with a lot of comedians uh and then you know like especially like the ones that are kind of mediocre success versus the ones that are that are a little more successful how uh how much the high school shaped who they are and stuff it's it's yeah it's interesting and for sure like honestly we probably shouldn't have started a fucking podcast the last thing the world needs is a couple of podcast the last thing the world needs is a couple of quippy comedians i disagree i disagree 708 episodes i i'm 40 episodes in i don't want to fucking talk to anybody else i'm done i don't

know how you guys have bullshitted your way through this it's incredible it's bullshit yeah this is how we've done it but somehow we make it work do you guys ever take time off do you take a week off or is it every week we took a week off year one for christmas yeah and year two and graham got swine flu i did not take a week off when i got swine flu that's maybe how graham got swine fluke i think i might have put that together get dr henry on the phone uh that's that's impressive because i am definitely ready to take a month off we'll do it go to we will bank we bank a few from time to time but now if since we don't even have to be in the same room we well it's a little easier for sure we're banking to this is our bank week where we're banking three

or four episodes and then we just work i wish we could bank three or four great we still have to stay on the line when this is done we still record uh our intro like we do 10 or 15 minutes of Jane yelling at me before every episode that we'll record that week. Nice. Dave, did high school suck? Yeah, I mean, I think school, I always hated school from beginning to end, but there's no other option. Were you a good student though? You strike me as you got good grades. No, I was pretty average,

and I did very well considering I never did homework. Right? And my favorite story about Dave not doing homework is... Dave, take it away. You start me off. You were supposed to be doing your homework, and then your dad came into your room. Oh, yeah, my dad came into the room.

I was supposed to be studying for, and then your dad came into your room oh yeah my dad came into the room i was supposed to be studying for like provincials in grade 12 my dad came in the room and i was like just i had a pack i had taken the box of cards from trivial pursuit i was just doing it was like asking myself the question how'd you do fine b's b pluses that's like actually it's a common thread that we've seen where most comedians will be like yeah i never i never did homework but i still graduated this is what i i as now as a father i am more anti-homework than I ever was as a child. Right. Like I do not, my children come home so happy from. Yeah. After being so sad having to go to school in the morning.

Yeah. When they come home, they're so happy that school is over. And then you want to introduce homework to that? Yeah. Right. Eventually you're going gonna have to make that introduction and uh man doesn't seem right doesn't because there's a lot of classes i think that you could cut and just do homework at school and then just be schoolwork right well and it's

also just like school isn't meant for a lot of people like i you know like with me having ADHD undiagnosed, I, you know, it was literal torture being sitting in a classroom. Yeah. Especially for six or seven hours a day where there's so many alternative approaches to learning. Well, you, correct me if I'm wrong, but you actually, you did, you had really good grades, right? I did. From what I remember. Why do you remember that? What do you do?

What do you? Because when he guested on the show. Oh, do you because when you guessed it on the show oh i said on the show uh and it's it's it's what show now who has adhd five gum presents even just sitting here like i literally have to doodle over the pen. Yeah, could you not click that pen? Oh, are you sorry? They always tell me to take the clicky pens away before we start our podcast as well. I've switched to a click-free pen. Click-free Bic. Thank you. Yeah.

Sorry about that. Yeah, no, I did. I had good grades. Not negotiable in my household. Had to study until I got good grades. And you were in band too, i was uh in junior high and then gave it all up for uh cigarettes did you have junior high in north van no we did grade 8 uh yeah grade 12 it was just trial by fire i saw a post someone was asking why vancouver doesn't have a middle school it was mainly just because there wasn't a demand for it but yeah it was because in ontario they go to

great or they did go to grade 13 i think they do them for that as well yeah but it was just a i think maybe because vanc Vancouver was a younger city. Yeah. I, it's, I've also heard that it's like, uh, kids don't get into as much trouble when they stay in elementary school longer. Like you don't, you don't, once you're in grade six, you're still in elementary school. You don't have to go to a new school and like hang out with older kids. You're still hanging out with younger kids and so you're not like you know stabbing people stabbing and oh i remember my first high school stab

brings a tear to the eye oh man if i knew then what i know now yeah i would have i would have she was a couple years older but she knew what she was doing with that night where did you grow up dave uh kitsilano okay it explains it all if you say so um yeah it's do you remember when you were in school like every school had a rep like every school it was oh a reputation like um yeah like this school was rough or this school was rich or the school's uh yeah what was your school's rep mine sure uh skids we were we were known as like uh it was lord banger brook is what they would call it because we were just a bunch of skids.

Did your school have a reputation? The schools, the other schools did. So I assume we were just like the snotty rich kids. What school was it? Argyle. Sounds like a snobby. I remember in grade 10

I went on this trip with our theater group to new york for a week after christmas to do a bunch of see a bunch of broadway shows and the entire trip this is like 96 my uh very openly gay theater teacher would be walking down the street with his hand in the air just just going, Argyle this way. And 20 of us all follow him down and Argyle crossing. And every now and then a cab would drive by and just yell some horrible homophobic thing. Thank you.

What plays did you see? I, we saw a bunch of really great ones. That's where I fell in love with theater i saw the original cast of rent oh shit when it opened uh we got to do a q a with julie andrews after victor victoria we saw we saw blue man group when they were still in a basement of a church in brooklyn uh which was wild like you know now I look at it and go, Blue Man Group,

I'm not interested. But back then, it was pretty cool. But like, how could they have done that in a basement? It's like so much glitter and paint and shit.

It was literally, you walked in and it was like Dexter's room. Everything was just covered in plastic. Oh, that's so funny. What kind of fucking show

are we about to do? Ba-ba-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom- boom-boom-boom- boom-boom- boom-boom- boom- boom-boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom- boom in plastic oh that's so funny what kind of fucking show are we about uh dave what's going on with you man my high school our reputation before i went there i was told watch out dave this school is really greek walked in immediately somebody handed you a dish you didn't know what to do with it it's true but i don't recall it being that greek it's a greek neighborhood that took me a second um uh what's going on with me is um so uh a couple years ago i came back from a 25 year hiatus of playing hockey and signed up to play hockey yeah and i was so bad and everyone everyone i signed up for the wrong league and everyone in my league was so bad and everyone, everyone, I signed up for the wrong league and everyone in my league was so good and never, never took 25 years off from playing hockey. Many of them weren't even 25 years old. Uh, it was a very competitive league.

Uh, and then, uh, but I, it was fine. I, I, the, My team was very nice. My body was not good and it hurt so much. And I had to learn how to stretch my body again. So I started doing yoga. And then hockey ended with COVID. And I kept doing yoga. Yeah.

Because I was bored. And I have since signed up up new hockey season has started i have moved from the very competitive league to old people yes this is where you want to be yes and let me tell you it's so much fun so So you got your Gordie Howes and... How often are you playing? It's once a week. Oh, that's perfect. That's the right amount of exercise. It's once a week and it's not competitive because we're not on teams.

Like you show up the day of and you find out what team you're on. Oh, fun. It's basically like when you start playing t-ball and there's no score and everyone gets to hit. Yeah. You've reverted back to five-year-old sports. Yeah, exactly. Nice. I mean, I'm still not any better, but.

At the other league, did you have to wear matching uniforms? Yeah. Oh, shit. I did not realize it was that official. Oh, yeah. And yeah, I had to wear a matching uniform. And then when last year, when COVID was still happening, and they tried to start the league up, and I was like, I'm not going to play. There's a pandemic happening. They were like, bring back your uniform. Walk of shame. Hand it in.

Walk of shame. Hand it in. So I'm playing and it is, I'm no better, but everyone is so much older now. There are very old people. What's the average age of the group? You have to be minimum 35. Okay. Okay. Yeah, that sounds.

And I would say the average is late 40s okay our tennis club is uh there's no age but you have to be a certain skill level to play uh but the average age is 65 and uh jaren i really went in being like we're gonna be the top of the heap uh i am uh i'm currently ranked 39th out of 39 what is your uh what's your weakness uh tennis yeah it turns out that a year and a half off of playing, like, Jer and I would go and hit during the pandemic, but not, like, play. What's Jer ranked? I think he's...

And Jer, just so I know, is short for Jeremy? Yeah, yeah. Okay. He's married to Jeremy Renner. It's something we've been talking about. No, don't even know. Jer's legal name is Jer Bear. No.

His last name is Bear. He's literally... No, it's not. Yeah is Jer Bear. No. His last name is Bear. He's literally... No, it's not. Yeah, Jeremy Bear. Jeremy Bear! Because I used to do a bit about it, how I didn't take his last name when we got married, because he can't look like me and be Darcy Bear.

But now, this is the show you pitch. It's about a couple of bears. Jer Bear and Darcy Bear. Yep. Teach you about sharing we're the Berenstain Bears but gay the world needs the gay Berenstain Bears they do

so have you played a game or has it been all just warmups I've played two games yeah they're all games there's no warmups it's just you play against the other team you get the the color jersey that day and you did you score have you scored on the i scored a goal on the your net or the other net on the other net nice good good i scored i same as when i was playing in competitive league i all the goals i scored were within six inches of the goal

like the goal is like that guy hovering by the yeah being like i'll give my i'll give my chance what position do you normally play i play left wing okay is that top or bottom i don't i'm a top yeah okay yeah uh and i took a slap shot off my shin pads the other day and it I was like oh this kind of hurts even though I have pads there it

still kind of hurts and it is so yellow right now oh after five days that it's I don't know what to do about it put some ice on it I you know what I keep forgetting

to do that yeah who has the time to like sit and ice things yeah yeah graham have you ever played hockey no my brothers both played hockey and lacrosse so that they fulfilled the the needs for the quota yeah exactly i ran track and field that was my did you yeah you ran field and cross country what's the difference one is on a track and one's just like out in a world yeah in the world what um what uh was your preferred uh discipline uh like event oh like probably the like the 800 like nothing that was a sprint i wasn't fast but i could run a long time but yeah anything that was off the line and you know 100 meters forget it forget it still be getting out of the blocks by the time they announced

what i go and run the opposite way you know i i we didn't really get into the olympics this year which was a disappointing thing because uh i remember canada no just me and the family oh i see yeah me and the kids uh because like i think if they had been paying attention to the olympics they would have been like yeah let's let's do some more gymnastics or right yeah whatever but i recently just explained long jump and high jump to them to margo and poppy and they were they're very into it uh high jump is much better in theory it sounds a lot more fun than it actually yeah well Yeah. Well, I mean, if you do it onto a bed, it's fun.

You start adding pillows that you need to jump over. Yes. It's very enjoyable. Long jump. Uh, Margo, Margo gets it. She,

she really gets frustrated if she can't beat her record. Poppy doesn't know when to stop running. So she'll run up to the line and which is the sock yeah she'll run up to the sock and then just keep running i did long jump in elementary school and uh at sports day uh i would get so nervous about uh wanting to get as close to the line as possible before jumping that i'd stop like on the spot and i just remember falling into the sand face first and like my my long jump being whatever the length from my waist to the top of my head was into the sand a new personal best and only because he grew an inch this year

when they add a new olympic sport i think they should have to eliminate one And only because he grew an inch this year. When they add a new Olympic sport, I think they should have to eliminate one. Yeah. I mean, the one that's weird that I watched, it was probably the weirdest one, was shooting. That was a strange event that I didn't know was still part of the Olympics, but it was... And it's just shooting skeet? No, shooting at a target. Like, just shooting a gun at a target. And, like... Sorry shooting skeet? No, shooting at a target. Like, just shooting a gun at a target. Sorry, skeet?

Yeah, because they also had archery, and archery was really fun to watch. But shooting kind of doesn't have the same... And I think they also have shooting as part of, like, the modern heptathlon or something. I don't know if they do the modern pentathlon anymore. I think we're losing our, which modern tathlon? Is it hep or pent? I thought it was pent. Well, I don't know.

I have no idea of what you guys are talking about. There's an event where it's like five events that i recall and they're all different disciplines so there's like horse riding and shooting yeah it's you know what they are they're the they're five events if you were a prisoner of war in like 1900 and you're trying to escape you would need to ride an unfamiliar horse you'd need to shoot someone you would need to like sword fight oh yeah and like swim and run fuck that's pretty cool now now they know the history of it that's pretty badass yeah all right now i want to here's here's the one i want to get rid of triple jump triple jump is where you it's like jump, but you jump three times.

It's a hop, skip and a jump. I see that. I never caught any of the more, uh, like fringier track and field. Cause there's also the steeple chase where it's got like, you jump into a big puddle. Yeah.

It's a big puddle on next to a hurdle. And it's, that's the only race like it. So they have to make a specialized track that has the divots in it to fill with water. Why it's filled with water. I feel like that was created in a city that just ran out of its Olympic budget and it was raining. And they were like, and here is the new sport. I do miss.

I miss the early 20th century olympics i am my do you remember what was the it was common over 64 summer games and winter games oh yeah that's that's when i used to get excited about uh the olympics was playing that as a kid anyway yeah i had barcelona 92 on sega genesis and nice sprinting you just hit the buttons as fast as you could and if you put your hand through you like if you put your shirt over your hand you could rub the buttons back and forth faster what are you kids doing down there an older girl was letting me rub my hand through her shirt i need to use that technique on Mario Party

because a lot of that fucking game is just hitting the button as quick as you can. There you go. That's great. There it is. A whole new world for you. So yeah, playing hockey, getting back into it, not competitive, love it.

Scoring goals. Scoring a goal. Yeah, scoring a goal. What's up with you uh this weekend i went to the island our capital city victoria and uh did a comedy club out there called hecklers oh is this your first comedy club yes yeah first first one back was it full capacity no no okay it's half capacity everybody had to show their uh facts facts did you sell out a half capacity place uh i don't have to answer that question um but yeah it was really it was it was nice and uh the crowd was uh really good oh i mean the

late crowd there was a guy who kept shouting stuff in german even though he wasn't german and i i really zeroed in on him and uh he just became worse comedian destroys german heckler um you got worse and worse yeah until until uh he had to leave because uh he had things to do yeah that's my time thanks everyone i'm out of here you guys have been great um you've played this comedy club many times i'm assuming darcy hecklers yeah yeah it's a fun crowd it can be a great crowd it's a great room low ceilings beautiful quick intimate stage yeah yeah and they used you used to stay in the motel above the comedy club but that's since been turned into uh housing

no way yeah so apparently like a lot of the motels in that area were bought by the city by the yeah okay i did know that i didn't know heckler's hotel was one of them yeah uh okay so like the hotel was just like just a normal like a ramada but the last time i was there i think people were starting to move in and then now it's totally that way so they had a setup at a different hotel downtown and that's a ways away it is it's a ways away yeah it was like i don't ten dollar cab right it was it was okay but if you can get a cab it's true i hadn't thought of that second part i do have ten dollars but what am i missing but like people who don't know what victoria's kind of vibe is it's very elderly and very kind of old-timey

britishy kind of uh feel is there you went to university shops yes candy shops tea shops like place slow fucking drivers slow drivers yeah um oh yeah i nearly got uh t-boned going through an intersection by an old driver and he didn't seem to be understand what i was giving him a finger for so were you or you weren't in a taxi i was, the cab driver let me drive. I gave him 10 bucks up front. If anyone's wondering what the vibe of Victoria is like, the cab drivers let you drive. Yeah, they're just there to

offer some company. And the cab drivers mostly shout homophobic slurs at high schoolers. Poor Argyle. Argyle. But so poor argyle um um but so uh

we stayed at the union club which is an old private club that's been there for

you know I think like a hundred years it's been there and it's there's similar clubs like it in other cities that it's just like a particular profession or whatever you can get into them and then there's similar clubs like it in other cities that it's just like a particular profession or whatever.

You can get into them, and then there's affiliates around the country. I lived in Victoria for four years. I've never heard of this. It sounds fancy. It is. Yeah, it is. It's right next door to the Empress Hotel,

which is the premier fancy one in Victoria. It's similar to the Soho House and other cities and stuff but it's expensive to be a member there have you been in this this hotel yeah on what occasion for doing a show or no i did uh no i just went with my dad there for a lunch with a friend that was a member there but you were staying there who's staying there yeah, yeah. How the hell did you swing that? I didn't book it. I wouldn't have booked myself that nice a place. I'd be like, take one of these tenants out of the Ramada for the night. I'm going to stay in there.

It's not enough to destroy in this club. I have to destroy someone's life. this club i have to destroy someone's life so yeah the uh it's this really fancy old club you can't you can't like wear a hat going into the place you get your you can't hang out in the common areas if you don't have like uh dress pants or a polo shirt and you don't and i don't but the lady who checked me in said, you know, if you want to go to the breakfast, we give you a free breakfast card. If you want to go to the breakfast, you know, you have to wear

like a polo shirt. We have some in the back. So she knew that I... Just in like a triple extra large that, you know, you're wearing your dad's shirt i just wanted to get some eggs this is look better than just a regular t-shirt breakfast is uh we serve breakfast till 11 30 no thank you i will not be needing your shirt and so every time that i went in or out i felt like people were staring and being like who

who the hell how the hell has this what is this guy here to fix yeah they started getting you to use the service elevator now speaking of the private one the elevator when we uh we're going in the the manager came over and showed us like it was a very specific way you had to use the elevator and he was very uh proud of the fact that it was the oldest elevator in victoria which is not like a selling point of anything? Yeah. I think if there was any technology that I would prefer we not celebrate, it's old elevators. Old escalators? Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. I love a good stair. Mr. Otis himself died in this elevator. I was, Abby was reminding me, so you said it was right next to the Empress. Yes. Which is a very fancy hotel. And one time in university, Abby and I went to this, went to the Bengal Lounge. I remember the Bengal Lounge, yeah.

Which is a, it's like a martini lounge where the theme is uh colonialism yes yeah that's right uh the theme is britain's success in india yeah yeah it absolutely was and it's not around anymore but it didn't close like a long time ago it only closed you know a couple years ago and they're like okay we can't oh we absolutely can't get away with this anymore was that in victoria yeah it's in the empress yeah i don't know if i ever knew about it not anymore it is uh the one the two memories i have of that night well three memories one is we all had martinis and i was 19 and i was like martinis suck you wanted like a crantini something yeah these my mouth is burning so much from this this first alcohol i've ever drank uh and then uh it was a great jazz combo oh nice nice yeah also thing teens adore. And this old man came over to our table and said,

I highly recommend the trifle. Just like another customer from another table being like, well, this is what we did in my time. We recommended desserts to each other. And we said, fuck off you old bag of bugs. Because you were quite drunk from the martinis. Yeah, from my

sip of burning martini. But yeah, like, Victoria very much is a place that you could find places to have tea. So it doesn't surprise me that Trifle is in front of everybody's mind everybody's mind the mayor has to have a stance on trifle and scones how long were you how many nights did you do at hecklers was it two nights no they're just doing

one one night one night two shows two shows yeah and it was uh you know it's a whole experience because you don't just well maybe some people fly over but you get on a ferry and it's uh you know for somebody who's never done it before it would be pretty neat and we saw a humpback whale so oh damn yeah on the ferry yeah on the ferry? Yeah, on the ferry. Or in the next hotel room. I highly recommend the trifle. I fit in the oldest elevator in Victoria.

Oh, and he showed me how to do it and I botched it immediately. Yeah, yeah, I got this. I got this. We used to be home to the world's oldest elevator now we got a broken box fucking comedians i knew we shouldn't have let them stay no exactly it's too nice it's too nice it is a weird like step up from whatever the room motto was. It is.

It's a huge step up. And in each room, I assume is in each room, there's a book that says our first hundred years. And it's a picture book about the hotel. So it's quaint AF. It is. But, yeah, if anybody is part of, like, a skull and crossbones thing or something like that, the Freemasons. I was going to say the Freemasons are definitely listening going oh yeah yeah that's most of our audience if you're a new listener and a freemason uh then uh ready for a hazing

with a twinkle in his eye tell me about this hazing guys what are we doing? should we move on to a little bit of business? yeah you nailed it I did it oh before we get into overheards okay

we have a couple of jumbotrons. That's right, Graham. If anyone out there wants to send a personal message to a friend of theirs or an enemy or a, you know, like a corporate message to a corporation. Hey, Coke is it. Send me some gum. saying, hey, uh... Hey, Coke is it. Send me some gum. Then you go to MaximumFun.org

slash Jumbotron. We'll read your message. We don't care. This one is for Chuck. Chuck. Chuck. Chuck. Chuck.

From his brother, Will. Now, somewhere, there's a guy named Chuck with a brother, Will, who's thinking, This is perfect. This is good for me. The message goes, Wishing you a happy birthday, Chuck.

From Will, Kristen, Maddie, and Anwen. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. That was a real curveball at the end. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy.

That was a real curveball at the end. Remember, life can be fun, but don't get carried away by your power tools. Stay safe and stay positive. Happy birthday to you, Chuck. And apparently Chuck has been not very safe with his power tools. Also, let's get a clean read on Onwin. Yeah, let's go ahead with onwin and it's onwin with an a oh anwin maybe anwin yeah well we tried uh happy birthday to chuck october 6th well it was last week but you're probably in a stupor of drills and saws. Now this next one is for Joe from

Iris. Oh, my favorite Goo Goo Dolls song. Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive. That guy was like he had the John and Kate plus eight haircut before that was yeah the scene

he had really real slanted blank bangs uh anyways joe he's the original karen that's right johnny resnick from the googly dolls um this is iris to joe happy birthday to the british boy who loves a and w and a timmy's i am so sorry i forgot to do this earlier but i hope this message on your best friend's podcast makes up for it do you why are we his best friend's podcast what's his name again uh joe yeah he's my best friend nice how did you guys meet uh we met in britain story checks out yeah we met in britain on the loo i'm in the tube i asked him for a bit of bog paper yeah a bog roll yes uh if you we already said go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron i'm lisa hanna walt and i'm emily heller nine years ago we started a podcast to try and learn

something new every episode things have gone a little off the rails since then. Tune in to hear about low stakes neighborhood drama, gardening, the sordid nasty underbelly of the horse girl lifestyle, hot sauce, addiction to TV and sweaty takes on celebrity culture, and the weirdest grossest stuff you can find on wikipedia.org. We'll read

all of it no matter how gross. There's something for everyone on our podcast, Baby Geniuses, hosted by us, two horny adult idiots. Hang out with us as we try and fail to retain all of it no matter how gross there's something for everyone on our podcast baby geniuses hosted by us two horny adult idiots hang out with us as we try and fail to retain any knowledge at all every other week on maximum fun a man was walking along a beach which represented his life at his feet were two sets of footprints his and god's but looking back down the beach the man could see that in the hardest parts of his life. At his feet were two sets of footprints, his and God's. But looking back down the beach, the man could see that in the hardest parts of his life, there was only one set of footprints.

So the man said to God, why is there only one set of footprints when times were hard? Where were you? And God replied, my precious child, I was in my car listening to the beef and dairy network podcast the beef and dairy network podcast is a multi-award winning comedy podcast and you can find it at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts overheard overheards uh you know what these days maybe getting a little bit easier to find one but if not you know just pray every night and one may come to you uh we always like to start with the guest darcy if you will the the thing i love about having a dog now is i overhear shit all the time this one i uh i wrote down not even knowing

i wrote this down not even knowing i was going to be uh coming on the pod uh i was walking by a house that had a for sale sign and there was a woman standing inside the fence and one standing on the other side of the fence and the standing on the other side of the fence. And the woman inside the fence says, ignore the for sale sign. It's not real. I'm just so fed up with my kids. I told them I'm selling the place and they can go live with their dad. And I burst out laughing because I was like, every single divorced mom has had that thought. But this woman straight up was hammering a for sale sign into her lawn.

Oh, I love it. That rules. It's great. I wonder how old the kids are. Cause I'm like at a certain age, you're like, okay,

that's real. But when you're really young, you're like, Oh, I guess the house is for sale. You're like, Oh, this is my life.

Every day of my life is a new experience. Yeah. New twist. Yeah. Because I'm living with daddy. Okay. you're like oh this is my life every day of my life is a new experience yeah new twist yeah i guess i'm living with daddy okay in his studio apartment uh dave do you have an overheard let me tell you i do good uh mine is an overseen okay i was at the liquor store um i'll just i'll wait for the applause and they had us just a sign uh for a feature cocktail and apparently i it was the 1990s feature cocktail because they have a theme month at the liquor store okay

1990s feature cocktail Margarita oh 1990 big year for the Margarita is it possibly that that was the year the Margaritaville came out? absolutely not when is that from? 70s? 80s?

90s and tomorrow if only there was a way for us to find out out absolutely not absolutely not when is that from 70s 80s i think then tomorrow 70s yeah if only there was a way for us to find out uh yeah go to margaritaville.com for sure that's a website go to the margaritaville uh historic tour and that's where i wrote margaritaville 1977 it came out but why i would not say that the Margarita is a, at any, it's not a nostalgic drink in any way. No. Yeah. You can have it at any time.

What do you think is a drink that would be nostalgic? Like, I don't know, the sidecar from the 40s or whatever? Sure. Aren't there like a million like old timey? What would be one from like the aughts, the early 2000s? Vodka Red Bull. Nice. Yeah.

Nice. When was the, when was Sex and the City in the Cosmo, the 90s? That would be a 90. That was the aughts. Yeah. That late 90s, the aughts, right? Yeah. Sure.

When did that? Was it the aughts? It was definitely the aughts. Sex and the City. Was it? No. I guess It was definitely the aughts. Sex and the City? Was it? No? I guess it started in the late 90s. You know, it's weird.

We're all Samanthas. Yeah, I'm definitely a Samanthas. All men are Samanthas. Not all Samanthas are men, but all men are Samanthas. Yeah. Yeah. Graham, do you have an over i do uh from the ferry um because the thing on the ferry me i stopped myself well tacky we're fine it's tacky if you do it it's cool if i don. It's always a pleasure being here.

But yeah, the, um, if you get on the ferry boat and, it's an hour and a half from, uh, port to port. And usually there's a cafeterias open serving all sorts of food. And I think maybe there was very minimum serving,

but I heard, uh a man walking with like a six or seven year old boy and he was just saying we're gonna be on the ferry and we're not gonna even eat fish yeah it's not like a theme boat it's they don't catch as they exactly just have a net trailing when i on our honeymoon we were we went to turks and cacos and we did a day of like um uh like snorkeling yeah and on the boat they had like we caught a bunch of conch conches the thing from conch shells yeah and they made a big ceviche on the boat and that was fun that's fun but like what lives in a conch shell like a slug yeah like a big slug none of that story was appetizing hey uh

i the other day i had um for the first time in my life, a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish. What was the occasion? I don't know. I felt. Just wanted to elevate the experience. Have something nutritious. I know Donald Trump likes them and he calls them like a fish supreme or something. Fish delighter.

But I was like really curious about the for some reason because it's a fish stick with tartar sauce and cheese cheese is the weird yeah and they i gotta tell you at the drive-thru they were like pull around like go to go wait in a parking spot because we do not have one of these ready yeah they've got to go into the freezer with like a pickaxe and just work their way through it. And they kind of messed it up. Like the cheese was folded in the burger. I'm going to have to have a new one. I'm going to have to try again.

Because I didn't get a cheese in every bite. But was it good? It was fine. Okay. Like my whole life, I think I've been kind of grossed out by the idea. And now I'm like, all bets are off. I would imagine the tartar sauce is where the flavor's at. It's just full of sugar, so it probably tastes good.

Yeah, that's where you get tartar on your teeth, from the sugar in the tartar sauce. This is a good way to remember that. Stops eating tartar sauce, stops going to the dentist. Stops brushing hisar sauce. Stops going to the dentist. Stops brushing his teeth with tartar sauce instead of toothpaste. Son of a... Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from people all over the place. If you want to send

one in to us, send it to spy at maximumfun.org. Graham, did you post a picture of Captain Highliner on your Instagram? I did, yes. Because now, Captain Highliner, he's? I did yes because now Captain Highliner he's fucking looks real good like Sam Elliott? Yeah

because he used to be like a grizzled old man on the ones of my youth and now he's are you both checking out? he can get it yeah alright what's up daddy sorry daddy sorry

oh wow what's up it's like that hot santa claus that came out that was a big deal like that hot hamburger yeah um our first uh email comes from ryan. in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I was walking down the street and a car pulled into a parking lot. A lady was walking through. She seemed excited to see the driver. Then they had this exchange. Lady, I thought you were in Hawaii.

His stereo was up real loud, so she had to repeat herself when he turned it down. I thought you were in Hawaii. And the guy in the car said, after a good pause, Baby, this is hawaii just deny deny deny yeah believe believe the lie the hawaii of michigan new hawaii have either of you been to hawaii yeah i did maui one year yeah me too it was uh you're just basically like a beautiful area obviously i get what all the fuss is about uh i just didn't the nothing to do at night it was really kind of like very sleepy trip i was nine and i had my first subway experience and it was so good at the meatball sub uh it was really uh my biggest we had different trips we had

trips and like with on the way home were you just thinking about that sub like also on the way home uh threw up okay threw up in the parking lot of the airport. Threw up in the metal detector at the airport. Threw up. How many subs did you eat? I don't think it was related to the sub. I was always just a bad flyer. Threw up seven times on the flight.

I know this because there's six people in my family and we ran out of barf bags. Are you a better flyer now? Yeah. I mean, I can't get any worse. That was certainly my low point. Oh, boy. This next one comes from Jeff S. in Laguna Niguel, California. This is in line at an amusement park.

There's a guy wearing a brand new baseball cap for Bosh Season 7. Tell me you're at an amusement park without telling me you're at an amusement park. Today's bosh day that was the whole thing that was the whole story that was the whole thing yeah have either of you watched any bosh i used to read the books i used to read the books years ago uh so i tried watching it but it was just too uh i think it's another generation's show are you like a tough talking yeah tough talking are you uh were the books good i don't even think they would they probably were i used

to imagine being such a good reader that you read books, you know, like. I just used to, I used to read a lot of like just cheesy crime books just to pass the time. Wow. But I think with ADHD, I don't actually know if I was reading. Yeah, you thought you finished the book, you just read the same page and then you're like, and done. Yeah, I'm a reader. It doesn't count if you don't fill out a little questionnaire about the book. I hear it's good. My parents love it.

You know what my parents love, which is definitely not for my generation? Billions. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen the new season. Billions is like Succession for old people. Succession. Do you guys watch that? I have yet yet to watch it but i've heard it's amazing it's it's great i'm very excited i'm re-watching it leading up to the new season um i gotta watch this squid show i gotta watch succession i gotta watch parents want me to watch billions i have six seasons of bosh to catch up

before i can read that guy's hat. No spoilers. There's a spoiler in the band of that. Turns out Bosch is just a figment of somebody's imagination. I got to look up Bosch. I might get into Bosch if it's, are they 10 episode seasons or are they 22 episode seasons? Oh, they're definitely 10. It's Amazon. Oh, is it? I thought it was like CBS or something. No, no. episode seasons or the 22 episode season oh they're definitely 10 it's amazon so i thought

it was yeah i thought it was like cbs or something no no it's actually not bad but i've caught a few episodes it it i've gotten you know what if i had more time i'm sure i would get into it but i uh i just have it i just you know i can't keep up anymore like I barely remember. I really enjoyed Ted Lasso, but to think about going to Apple to watch it every week, I forget until I see it on Twitter or something. I'll be like, oh shit, I've got three episodes left. God bless you.

And also with you. This last one comes from Anna from Denver. I work in a medical office and a younger female patient I've seen several times before. How about that? Yeah, right? Came in with some fresh looking cornrows.

Not her usual look. I put the patient in an exam room and left to go get the doctor. As I was walking back to my desk, I heard through the closed exam room door. Okay, Google, show me a picture of Bo Derek with Cone and Rose. She just got back from Puerto Vallarta. 100%. Have you ever seen that movie?

Either of the ten, I think it was called? Ten? No, I haven haven't it's weird is it dudley moore yeah it's dudley moore and you're supposed to believe that dudley moore could be a love interest for beau derrick and it doesn't he's not a charming guy in the movie so he doesn't have charm on his side just it's like maybe a jerk's fantasy of like how is it is beau derrick the one from Tommy Boy as well? Yes. Brian Dennehy landed.

Yeah, he lands her. He lands her. And then. Sorry. And then Chris Farley says she's a 10. Yeah. Good inside joke for the five people that knew both, you know. Is there any, can you name a third Bo Derek credit?

I thought I was going to say she was in one of the Rockies, but that's not. Was she in Major League? No, I don't think so. I feel like she was, was she someone's parent in a, like, 90s sitcom? Bo Derek. Who's the one that was in Rocky IV? That wasn't Bo Derek. Oh, Bridget Nielsen? Bridget Nielsen Bridget Nielsen that's right

Yeah No she Look 10 isn't even in her When Amazon or sorry IMDB gives you the Known for Yeah 10 doesn't even show up It's Tommy Boy Tarzan the ape man she played jane

okay ghosts can't do it she played katie odair scott say that to the ghost that gave uh dan a blower and according to imdb the thing she's the most known for is bolero. Okay. Can I hear a few bars of Bolero, Graham? Bolero. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You also left out that she's in Sharknado 1, 2, and 3. Well, that's not what she's known for. Big credits around here. Big credit.

Big credit. Absolutely. Big creds. Big credit creds. But, she's she's a beautiful lady let's hear her for broderick is she oh she's married to john corbett yeah oh who's john corbett he was uh from northern exposure and Sex and the City. Oh. You know that guy? That's a handsome couple.

This podcast is now just reading IMDB's connections. So what? That's one thing. When we were in the same room with each other, it felt rude to look at your computer screen. Not anymore. How many degrees from Kevin Bacon are you guys? Have you ever done the game? He's my uncle, so one.

He's your uncle. As he throws a piece of gum or something into his mouth. So smooth. He's my uncle, so one. Yeah. I had a three-way with him and Keira Sedgwick. He once ran over me with his bike quicksilver in addition did you do three yeah in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone

number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one spy pod one like these people have. Hey, Dave Graham and probable guests. This is Pippa in Quincy, Massachusetts, calling with an overheard slash scene. I just passed a woman outside saying to her son, now you have to watch him and make sure he doesn't start eating grass and trash. So I looked down to see what kind of dog they had, and it was a toddler. And she was right. He was looking pretty interested in that grass. Thanks, guys. Love the show.

Bye. Hey, Mom, look over there for a second. Look at me. I'm a goat. I'm going to eat a can. Yeah, eating grass, that's not beyond a toddler's review. Did you guys ever

eat grass or eat something weird as a kid that you would never eat now? Pussy. Did you? Be honest. No, hey, listen, I'm not one to make a hasty decision. I love the stuff. You can't get it up oh god um oh man

it's like i went deeper into this too i was like what's the next audio what's the next um i uh uh but no I never ate trash. There. You know what I did eat once is I found a pair of like, never mind. I want to hear it now. That's so mean. A pair of what?

You can't. You gotta do it. A pair of like little like scissors. Yeah. Like nail scissors. And in the like where they come together

there was like some You didn't. There was like some brown gunk. I'm gonna fucking throw up. It wasn't very good. I'm glad you clarified. Alright, here's your next phone call. Hi Dave, hi Graham, hi possible guests.

This is Elizabeth in Portland, Oregon calling in with an over scene. I was driving home from the bagel shop over the weekend and passed a billboard for one of those, I forget the phone number but it's like, call this number for the

truth, for Jesus. And it's a big picture of hands holding an open Bible, and the billboard says, read the Bible. But a wonderful graffiti artist had added on to the sign, so

now the sign says, read the Bible, or suck the devil's dick. That's it. Love you. Bye. Bye. I feel like we're at a bit of a crossroads because I don't like reading. I'm more into Bosch, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah, more of a Bosch reader.

There's not enough graffiti in the world. I think there's a good amount. Yeah. There's not enough clever graffiti. world i think there's a good amount yeah it's not there's not enough clever graffiti that's right yeah sorry there's a lot of squiggles out there but i say if you're gonna try do it do something funny we aren't we all love to laugh not me i'm a squiggles guy i love squiggles more squiggles and your final overheard hi everyone this is Dean from Saskatoon Saskatchewan Canada I was walking along

the park at the riverbank here with my daughter in the stroller and I saw a man drawing or painting with an easel and I thought I would walk around behind him to get a closer look thinking I'd see, you know,

a nice painting of the beautiful riverbank landscape. But no, it was a picture of a naked lady. I go, I see what I see, you know? Yeah, a guy painting a naked lady from memory by the river

does this cloud look like what i'm painting oh man uh you know who my favorite naked lady is lady liberty oh derrick oh better derrick, Bo Derek. Was she naked in those movies? Not the scenes I saw, but. No, what a babe, though. Right? And, you know, she's known for, what was it called? Ten.

Sharknado. Sharknado. That's right. Oh, yeah. No, not Ten. Bolero. Bolero, yes. Bolero.

Bolero. Bolero, by the way, goes like this. Oh, yeah, I know that one. That's Bolero. There the way, goes like this. I know that one. That's Bolero. There, you learned something. And don't say that it never happens, you know? I taught you about Victoria's Oldest Elevator. Well, Darcy, that's the end of this podcast.

Oh, thank God. Where do people check out your TikTok? Is it just at Darcy Michael? I'm at the Darcy Michael on everything. Okay. And yeah, if you haven't, why not? I'm going to wander over there as soon as I get off this podcast, see what you've been up to.

You'll regret it, buddy. You want some wholesome joy? Yes, that's what I want that's what i crave and the the podcast is called high school sucked yeah and it's everywhere it's you and jane stanton past guests of this show yeah and it's what i was a guest on it was a lot of fun good laughs and uh how often now jane's been a guest on our show many times the one thing i cannot forget about her is that she was such a such a uh uh hellion as a high schooler that her parents removed the door from her oh yeah her stories are awful uh it's uh yeah

her stories either end with a door being removed or too many blowjobs or something. Like, it's just she's. How much is too many? I've yet to find out. No, it's a great show. We've had some awesome guests, Graham included, and Dave will get you in there as well. We've got. Take your time.

Well, thank you so much for being our guest oh thanks guys thank you to all the listeners out there if you made it all the way through from the block party this is how the show ends and welcome to the show and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcast yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.