Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 710 - Maddy Kelly

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

Comedian Maddy Kelly returns to talk Elon and Grimes, neutering, and jumper cables.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 710 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, man oh man, does he love those Girl Guide cookies, Mr. Dave Shumka. Uh-huh. Uh... I got my mouth full of one. Vamp. What do you, um...

What is your favorite? Do you got the chocolate? Do you got the vanilla? Do you like to mix and match? Take one cookie off of one and then mix it together? What do your favorite? Do you got the chocolate? Do you got the vanilla? Do you like to mix and match? Take one cookie off of one and then mix it together? What do you like? Oh, I'm not Frankensteining a sandwich cookie. You could, though. I guess you could. Boy, I feel like I was a little unimpressed with the Girl Guide cookies the first few bites I had this year.

But box number three is really growing on me yeah yeah yeah yeah this is you've got pre-halloween girl guide cookies and they'll have post-halloween candy yeah and we also have pre-halloween candy as well yes yeah socked up on candy well you know what when when you hop on the scales before your next fight uh we'll just get you to sweat it out by i know i keep forgetting which of the paul twins am i wrestling oh um well it's one of those uh events where it's all all pauls on all pauls so it's jake paul logan paul john pope paul paul f tompkins paul f tompkins Paul F. Dawkins, Paul Gross. Paul Gross from Canada. Paula Abdul. Paula Poundstone. Yes, yes, yes. Deathly Paul came over the crowd.

Am I using that right? Yes, you are. P-A-L-L. And our guest here today, our first return guest of this here pandemic. She's our witchiest of guests. It's Maddie Kelly, everybody. Hello. Thank you for having me.

Thank you for gracing us with your presence. Can we talk girl guide cookies? Yeah. Okay. Should we start right in there? Do you have something to say? I usually like to say something. Oh, I mean, let's get to know us. But if you want to say something first. Oh, they something you know oh i mean let's get to know us but if you want to say something first like oh they suck okay wait let's get to know us

get to know us they do not suck that was just for splash um listen i spent two formative years in america and it's really cookies are so much better down there. They're Girl Scout cookies, they call them. And they've got a bunch of different varieties. They have kinds. Yeah, they have five different kinds. They've got the samosas. Samosas.

They've got the mimosas. They've got minty chicks. They've got... Minty chicks. We have the thin mints, don't we? We have the thin mints. Not this year, baby. Why?

Supply chain. Supply chain. Yeah. thin mints don't we we have the thin not this year baby why supply chain supply chain yeah um uh yeah i we had a people mailed us up all of the options a couple years ago they're all fine none of them are any they're all just uh i guess i don't like cookies enough here's my i love cookies i love grocery store cookies i like the like the peak friends cookies that are exactly that kind, like a sandwich cookie, you know, more than Oreo. With the red jelly on top? Is that what we're talking about?

I love those. I love those. But I got the assorted box. And how old are you? You're just coming into your 82nd year? Yeah. 80, 69. I'm off to a bad start.

You like those like Danish cookies that come in a big tin? I love those. Those are so good. People freak out when I actually have a box. Like when I offer them a cookie and I offer them another, I thought that would be sewing materials. Yeah, yeah. It's like people keep their sewing stuff in a tin.

But the cookies are so thick, so good. What are they, ladyfingers? What's in that can? No, they're like a snappy, buttery, nice cookie with a sugar on top, kind of. It's like, is it an assortment? Because I feel like there's one that's shaped like a pretzel. Yeah. And there's one that's spinner roundsies, right?

Hypnotic kind of. I like when a cookie has a bunch of different shapes, but the same kind of cookie. Yeah, like you're talking like an animal cracker something like that i am talking an animal what about thank you for saying that here's my hot take on cookies because i like grocery store cookies as well but i i they do feel like a waste of calories and that like if i'm gonna eat something that's bad for me i should eat something i love and not just a dry thing to sop up a cup of coffee so you go you just zoom over to wendy's then yeah just a quick

frosty later yeah just can i dip my frosty in my coffee they have vanilla and caramel frosties on for a limited time i don't know if you heard about that. I didn't hear about that. I saw it on a sign today. So, uh, was it a sign from God? Yes. Yeah. An angel visited you. Be not afraid.

Yeah. For a limited time only there's vanilla and caramel Frosties. And I said, I don't know where Frosties are from. And then he disappeared. So I've done my research. Um, they're, they're from the little town of Bethlehem.

Um, King David City. This is what I wanted to say is local brand dad's cookies. That's a local brand? I think so. There's a plaque up in... There's a plaque somewhere.

This used to be where the factory was. They're bad and I like them. I like them. i like the chocolate they're they have an oatmeal chocolate chip that that is like not a good thing you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah i love it as well there's but how much of that is nostalgia because for me it's like my grandpa has like my grandpa and i are both grocery store cookie people but he's like chocolate chip cookie grocery store cookie which i don't fuck with that at all. I don't need

that. So you wouldn't eat the chocolate chip dads? No, I'd eat them because they remind me of him, and I eat them when I'm at his house. Well, I eat them because they remind me of your grandfather. Yeah, yeah, we all have memories of your grandpa. I used to always see him at grocery stores buying cookies. The actual cookie that I will endorse

from a grocery store, not as like a, oh, I just like these, is a Hobnob. Thumbs down. Yeah. What? Yeah. You don't like Hobnobs? I don't even know what Hobnob.

Oh, wait. Are they like soft things with chocolate on top? Yeah. Gross. Gross. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

I just Googled them. Yeah. And that orange wrapper. Yeah. Oh, man. Those are amazing. That is Googled them. Yeah. And that orange wrapper. Yeah. Oh, man. Those are amazing. That is, wow. That's as low as it goes.

What are you guys talking about? No. Oh, my God. That is, yeah. You can't be trusted. One of the things I like is the Swedish, right? What are they called? That you put them on top of your coffee

and you dip them in. Is it struff? Struff and wassail or something? Oh, yeah. They're like, are they Swedish or are they Dutch? Kind of waffly. They might be Dutch, yeah. Caramel in the middle.

Yeah. I don't really like those. Yeah, too sweet. Too nice for you? Too dumb sweet. Like, the sweetness doesn't have any character to it. It's just like, duh, I'm a bunch of sugar.

I agree. I agree. I don't like, duh, I'm a bunch of sugar. I agree. I agree. I don't like things that are just, the flavor is sugar. Yeah. That's why I don't like marshmallows. I like marshmallows. No! It's like, we're like three Venn diagrams, one Venn diagram with three circles that do

not touch on anything. I think it's interesting right now. I'm like, there's no unifying theory for why I like what I like in this particular category like most of the time i'd have a better i'd have a better grasp on my own taste but what do you feel about cookies that um they they come out of the factory and you who knows how long they've been out of the factory but then you eat them and they're all they're still soft they're kind of like in like a goldfish cracker-like container, right? Well, are you talking about Pepperidge Farms Milanos or something? Milanos, yeah.

That's another thing that's big in the States. If you talk about grocery store cookies, they'll mean those soft ones that are actual cookies. Those make me feel very sick. Why do you eat them then? You know, I do all kinds of things that make me feel sick. Why do you eat them then? You know, I do all kinds of things. Make me feel sick.

Yeah. We had some from just the bakery part of the grocery store. And they were called Monster Cookies. And they were based on Cookie Monster, I think. But they were... Monsters Cookies. They just have M&Ms in them instead of chocolate chips. And they were soft. Those were...

You know what? I feel like we're going in circles here but i like didn't same with the uh girl guide cookies i didn't like them at first but after having one i was like well i gotta have eight more yeah yeah yeah that's that's the trick of the supers uh oh i just figured out something else I love. Come on, here it comes. Chips Ahoy Mini Rainbow Arc En Ciel Cookies. Do you know what I'm talking about? Also, mini Oreos are so much better than regular Oreos. I'll eat mini Oreos all day.

Get me in an airport, baby. I like thin Oreos. I like thin Oreos. I like a vanilla Oreo. I'm partial to those. Is there a cookie we all like? Like for grocery store cookies we all like? We all said we like Dad's. No like a vanilla Oreo. I'm partial to those. Is there a cookie we all like? Like for grocery store cookies we all like? We all said we like dad's.

No, she didn't. Yeah, she did. No, I like them, but they're... She likes her grandfather. I like my grandfather. I like... You like your grandfather better than dad's cookies? Yeah.

Shit. You heard it here first. I will go the thin golden Oreos are my most bought cookie of 2021 what the fuck my most bought cookie of 2021 was the shortbreads and scottish package but only because i my thing is like i don't even care about the calories because i usually will replace a meal with a cookie which is bad so i've actually that is bad it's bad depends on the meal. What if the meal was going to be poison?

Do you have tea every day? I have tea every day, yeah. You do? Do you have like a tea time? I don't have tea time, but I drink tea every day. I don't make a little meal for myself. I sit on a blanket on my floor. I'm freaking busy.

I have a job. My apologies. If you have a job, why are you talking to us right now you've got to be slacking off anyway the reason this comes up is because we're recording this at 2 30 in the afternoon aka tea time tea time yeah sure tea time luckily i had my oolong before i came on oh yeah i had my orange pico. I had my pu-eh. You know that one? How do you say that one? It's like pu-eh. Nobody knows.

I wish you guys knew what I was talking about. It's a kind of tea, and I've never known how to say it. It's a kind of tea? Why don't you just point at it the next time that you buy it and say, give me one of those and then see if they say the name. Then I'm relying on them to know. And I don't believe they do.

You don't trust them. These people you say you don't trust. Maddie. Hey, Maddie. Thank you for being our guest. It's so nice to see you. This is nice. And we like to have you on around Hallow's Eve because you're witchiest of guests.

Yes. Is that still true? Yeah. Do you still do still do spells no have we not had anyone witchier we had elvira yeah we did have elvira we had uh the ghost of vincent price uh-huh we had uh boris bobby pickett bobby boris pickett we had both of them boris bobby and bobby boris we had all four of the Ghostbusters. And finally, right around the go, Devon Sawa from Casper the Friendly Ghost. Well, I know all those guys. We all know each other in the community. It's kind of like stand-up.

When you meet at the Monster Mash, that kind of thing? Yeah. No, I still do. It's interesting. My practice has deepened. Because I'm no longer like, oh, get me a freaking give me a crystal i put in my bra you know um wait wait wait wait wait back you cannot just say crystal in the bra and then pretend like that's a thing everybody knows what it is what is that for if you keep a crystal in your bra

turkey in the straw crystal in the bra you keep like my, you know, I'll have my crystals and this is embarrassing. She was the first person to explain crystals in a way we understood. That's right. Like where it was like, oh, it's just something to hold on to. Yeah, it's not, I have two in my pocket right now. I wasn't even, this isn't even a bit. I just usually, I'll like pick the ones I want for the day, kind of what intentions.

Nice. It's kind of funny because if you put them in your bra, you're very likely to forget about them and then they fall out when you go pee and you're like oh fuck she pees out of her boobs she admitted it I don't know why the motion of sitting down always makes them pop out maybe you're doing it wrong

are you sitting side saddle or what are you doing I'm a lady damn it okay so you're not wearing crystals in your bra no I have the crystals but like I'm a lady. Damn it. Okay. So you're not wearing crystals in your bra. No,

no, I have the crystals, but like, it's more like now I think what I, well, I still read people's tarot cards. That's a big part of it. I'm getting better and better. Yeah.

And I read my own a lot during the pandemic. Cause it was like, you know, God, someone give, it's so funny though. When it's not giving you the answer you want. And you're so frustrated with them. It's like, can you just, it's just for though when it's not giving you the answer you want uh and you're so frustrated with them it's like can you just it's just for me like just give me well then it's

just solitaire isn't it yeah it'll come you want i did a spell this is a good update because last time i came on i talked about this but i did a spell for my cousin i did a love spell yeah and three weeks later she was dating a guy cool and she hadn't dated anyone for five years was this a slow release love spell then i did a spell for another friend is she still with this guy before you move on um okay i don't know because they broke up but then she like they're long distance and then she went to go visit him and she hasn't come back yet so i don't know what And then she went to go visit him, and she hasn't come back yet, so I don't know what happened when she went to go visit him. Oh, okay. Where does he live?

Ireland. He's made up. Oh! He's not real. So, he's made up. Boyfriend lives in Ireland. Yeah. It's Canada and Ireland are the two.

I've never met him. Have you ever seen a picture? And the only reason I feel comfortable talking about this is because my cousins don't give a shit about what I do, and they'll never listen to this. And it's, if you try to track down the Kelllly's in ireland good luck good freaking luck um yeah so then now they did a spell for another friend it hasn't worked yet but what was that spell for another love spell so maybe i should just how long is that how long has it been since that since we did on valentine's day okay that has it that's that's a dud that's a dud she met a guy but she didn't care for him

and he's also in Ireland did you accidentally do a I don't care for him spell yeah maybe I did maybe I lost it I didn't feel very magical this year the whole year? well it's kind of funny because it was like always like for like my whole life

I've gone to sleep at night oh I want to get like a thing like I want something I'd always like for like my whole life, I've gotten to sleep at night. Oh, I want to get like a thing. Like I want something, you know, boyfriend or acting job or comedy. You know what I mean? And then when the pandemic happened, I was like, couldn't really wish for anything I would want because I wouldn't want it. You know, what do you wish for? Domino's pizza, you know?

So I just kind of. Is there a spell for that? Is there a spell for Domino's? I'm sure you could manifest Domino's pizza if you wanted to yes um you know then my life i think just keep a pepperoni in your bra so now i don't really do as much direct manifestation i just let it happen i surrender to the will really so you're, more or less giving up your witchy ways? I think I'm

just changing my... Now I'm like, don't do it just to get shit. Like, money. What about for revenge? You could do it for revenge. I've never done any witchcraft for revenge. I've thought about it and I'm like, I think it's the craft. I think whatever you do to other people comes back to you. I do think that.

Yes, so you're afraid your hair will fall to you. I do think that. Yes. So you're afraid your hair will fall out if you wish it on somebody. Yes. But I did think I could pull a tarot card for both of you as it is Halloween. Do it. Oh, yeah. Before you do. Oh, yeah.

Okay. You have to get up and get stuff. They're right here. Okay. She's taking them out of her bra. Before you do, what... So when you do a tarot reading for people normally um what how many cards do you draw like what is the whole thing like depends on the thing like there's different like spreads it's called like you could do like past present future or like

my mom does this one like one where it's kind of funny it's like we're not like religious i wouldn't say but like my mom and i speak to each like we communicate through the tarot which is kind of interesting like i'll be like i'm in such two of wands energy right now and she's like oh i was in two of wands my whole 20s you know so that's kind of cute but you can just pull like one card you can pull 11 cards. Have you seen that movie Night of Cups? No. No. It's probably the biggest tarot movie there is.

Usually on Zoom readings, I pull jumpers. How many readings are you doing during the pandemic? I would like read people's cards on FaceTime or whatever. So they need comfort. That's nice. That's nice of you. I was just shuffling and two popped out. So maybe I'll just show you guys these ones and you guys can pick one each.

She hasn't flipped them over yet. No. Oh, sorry. You can't look at them. Okay. Which one do you want, Dave? This is one. This is two.

Okay. Two. I'll go with two. Oh, I also want two. Give me one. Okay. Okay. I'll go with two. Oh, I also want two. Give me one. Okay. Okay. Take one.

So two, Graham's pick is the strength card. Oh, he's got those big forearms. He's so strong. He's good at helping you move. Here, I'll read a little bit because I don't want my own personal opinions to be. The opposite of spirituality and carnality can be consciously brought into balance with courage and perseverance in the face of fear act calmly and with love and you will gain the true strength of an integrated body and spirit slow down slow down he's the opposite of carnality he's he's he's my mom

another really funny thing about my mom is that she has very sexual reads on a lot of the cards yeah like i'll be like i'll be like asking about love or whatever and then i'll pull a card and she's like oh that's a guy with a huge dick yeah the stroke of bones but the strength card usually does mean good sex okay all right good sex but like yeah All right. Good sex. But like, yeah, you're going to use your, you're going to rock the sheets. It's like true strength is from being gentle. Ah, gentle sex.

Okay. Strong and gentle sex. Strong and gentle. And Dave, yes, your card is the four of wands. Oh, wands.

Yep. It's a great card. It's the card of completion. So that's sexual, too. Enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done. Ask your mom about that. Dave. What?

Your mom knows a lot about completion. You guys are the worst. Okay. Enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done. Your labors have not only created a strong foundation, but the hard work done to meet your obligations and the effort required to produce your best have resulted in an optimistic, proud, and thankful celebration.

Well, that is the horsiest horseshit. Dave, don't say it, because then you know the fates are coming to come at you. None of my jobs are ever complete. I have, like, everything I do just goes on and on and on. I have another week of this and that. Well, your kids are all grown up, so you're done. I blinked.

You blinked and you missed it. Well, congratulations, Dave. It sounds like you actually have worked very hard. Yeah, thanks. I have. Your mom can probably fill you in a little bit more on that. Maddie, draw one for yourself. Or can you?

Are you allowed to do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's forbidden. No, she does it for herself all the time. Oh, that's right. Okay. Okay. My card is, oh, the three of hearts.

Oh, I fished my wish. I fished my wish. three of hearts oh i fished my wish i fished my wish the three of hearts is the card of um beat the three of clubs everybody knows that celebration joy creativity and happiness are celebrated here you will find yourself filled with gratitude for the life you have you're kind of a party girl i'm a huge party girl and you're great are you grateful for the life you have i'm very grateful for like i was saying the other day that every single thing i complained about last year not doing stand-up being single and my writing project not going were are not true anymore and yet i complain just as much if not more now you when you uh alluded to one of those things that you didn't have and I believe

we had a wager on said thing the three of hearts is the perfect transition into our wager so part of the reason you're the first guest to come back in the zoom recording days is because you have an annual

thing you have an annual reason to be back you and Graham bet let's You have an annual reason to be back. You and Graham bet. Let's go all the way back to the very beginning. The first one was... Because there were celebrity bets and personal bets. And I don't care about the personal ones.

The big celebrity one that we had was Elon Musk and Grimes, whether they would stay together or not. Versus Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. That's right. And we all know how that went. Thank you. Next. They're still together and it's all great and they renew their love every year. Yeah. Everybody's

broken up now. Yeah. That's true. Everybody's all broken up. But Grimes and Elon Musk, I go, you two kids will figure it out. Yeah, they've got, who else would love them? Who? Elon? Everybody. The people in outer space that got to meet him. They love him. Yeah, they've got... Who else would love them? Who? Elon? Everybody. The people in outer space that got to meet him. They love him. Yeah, all the guys I

was going on hinge dates with. Do they love him? They love him. Really? They would love to go out with him. Do they love him as... They wish they was with him and not me on the date. Do they love him as like a business tycoon? Do they love him as like a meme lord he gets because he gets everything to

completion he's one of those guys he's able to do it he's in such four of wands energy yeah you know what a dick like dave and so we also bet that i would get back together with my boyfriend at the time which i did yeah what i was on the i was on the negative of that one or you were on the positive i was on the positive and then you did and then last year if if i recall we put out a question on twitter a lot of people said that the bet was whether or not you would have found somebody by this time last year uh and were you where you were last year the bet last year was could i make it a year single i was going to try and go a whole year without it because i wish i had never done you didn't you died i didn't yeah you so you would

go a whole year without being in a relationship yeah which i did handily because i did two two years yeah so did i bet what did i bet that you would i think you said i could do it in the last year you've gone two years how does that work um it was like a year to last year and then another year to this year wait a minute wait a minute but now that's Yeah. Yes. So it was a year starting 2020, October 2020. No. Yeah. It was a year 2020.

And then it was a year in like August 2021. I'd been single for two years. Right. And then. And then we made a bet. I actually just re-listened to it. Dave bet that I would be single. Nice.

I bet I would be engaged. Engaged. Okay. Or I think someone bet that I was be single. I bet I would be engaged. Engaged? Okay. Or I think someone bet that I was being engaged. And you bet that I would be in a happy relationship, Grant. In a happy relationship. And? And I am! Grant wins again! Yeah.

So many toonies in my pocket. I have a frickin' boyfriend. Good for you. Sorry, fellas. Does he live in Ireland? He doesn't live in Ireland. I didn't even do a love spell. It's very happy. I really like him.

It's a great time. Yeah. But I think the person who's won the most in this situation is my roommate. Because I think if I spent any more time being mean to her and her boyfriend for being the perpetual third wheel during a pandemic, I think she was going to kill me or move out. So are you, you,

she, you guys live with him? Um, my boyfriend? Yeah. No. Yeah. Does your boyfriend live with you?

No. Um, no. Does her boyfriend live with you guys? Um, no, he he doesn't but he was always over for a pandemic but yeah i was it's good that i met my boyfriend when i did because i was very close to buying a weighted blanket yes walking into the ocean could not have had that 135 investment in being alone now the way you can be in a relationship and have a weighted blanket too many things in the bed don't need it don't need it that's it was one to one for me

that's the boyfriend's weighted boyfriend so now does your boyfriend lie on top of you while he's he would if i asked that's how good a boyfriend he is oh wow um yeah is it uh uh yeah you couldn't have both right you get squashed if you had i'd be i'd be flattened now is if you get in an argument is your trump card to be like i'm ordering the blanket i start like whispering like like like googling it all the time so he gets the targeted ad because he's close to me and he's like oh god she's thinking about it what uh have either of you used a weighted blanket no have either of you yeah because i i haven't either and i haven't even looked into it but now that you talk about like ordering it online i wonder if it is so expensive to ship because it's a brick yeah i um i i can always tell

how i'm doing mentally on my targeted ads and there was a very dark time when it was just better help and weighted blanket ads 24 7 but now i'm getting advertised jewelry so what does that tell you oh something in your future perhaps an anklet or something like that. Anklet, toe ring, whatever you like. Christmas anklet. Belly chain. Our dog was wearing one of the kids' headbands around its waist that looked like a belly chain. That's pretty good. The other day.

So we also do, so the ongoing topic of our gambling for years has been Elon Musk musk and grimes and i just want to get your hot take on their breakup don't believe it you think they're gonna get back together of course he went into space to see if he could find somebody better he did and he did and uh they're together now him and his droid and she wore a weird futuristic, like, skin-tight robot costume. Yes. And went out reading the Communist Manifesto in public to be photographed. Which you do after a breakup. Yeah, that's true.

Which you do do after. Oh, it's so true. You really do posture out in the world. Yeah. I'd go to a cafe, my infinite jest not even read it just look at everyone looking at me yeah and then you found that you've got the magazine in there that you're actually reading yeah and it's too big so everybody can see that it's a people infinite jughead um yeah, I think they'll probably... No, I don't think they're going to get back together. I think this is done.

They've did what they can do. Care to place some money on it? Yes, of course. Yes, I put down some of my house money that I'm gambling with now. Yeah, you're up. So I bet he and Grimes do not get back together you are you thinking that they will i think they will yeah or do you want to do a bet where i guess yeah that's all we can do like will will anyone else i if there were if they were still together you would bet

will they still be together longer than machine gun kelly and megan mccain fox yeah what is the other disturbing one zoe de chanel and the property brother right and the what's her name one of the kardashians and uh travis yes from blink 182 i think they just got engaged yeah they got engaged so they'll probably make it the kiss of death i think they'll probably make it to this time next year my roommate sophie had a very funny thing or maybe it was her boyfriend paul i don't know they're not they're the same person to me now they were we're all talking about um how the baby the ax59 um is not grimes baby yeah is not calling it mom not calling grimes mom right right i'm calling it mom my my pronouns are it that it that but do you know this and then

then she was like oh it's because i don't refer to myself as mom around it and then we were like but wait what do you refer to yourself as grimes yeah it probably is grimes is that what claire grimes grimes beats claire everybody knows it if you if that's the bet uh it's grimes yeah grimes i had a nightmare. Grimes. There, there. X minus 2AE. My little equation. Let me put this weighted blanket on you and go to bed. Yeah, so when we come back next year,

the bet is, just so it's clear, Graham thinks these two will be back together. No, I don't. I think they will not get back. Maddie thinks these two will be back together. Yes. And that's it for the bet. No, I want to bet on Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox.

Okay. Travis. I say Travis and the Kardashian lady. They're going to still be together this time next year. And Machine Gun Kelly, Megan Fox will not. No, not even no not even close they'll make it to the end of this i will take megan fox and machine gun kelly over the kardashian and the other one okay okay okay we got a round robin on our we got a round robin i'm not weighing in on this i'm just kind of uh i'm friends with all of them so i don't want that's

true yeah i'm really good friends oh boy i was out with the boys machine gun kelly and the property brother last night and we really fucked up yeah we were hooters how many tattoos do you think the property brothers have between them not just individually i think they have one big one between them and they stand like it's like a mad fold in they have yeah like one of those uh lockets that's half a broken heart yeah i think the one zoe de chanel is dating has one on it's like his chest like on one side and i think the other one has one above his elbow in the back like girls get it's like one of those realty signs that says sold. He's got that on his bicep.

Canadian girls kick ass. They should just get a plaid shirt tattooed on. Save themselves some time. Only one of them wears a plaid shirt, though. Oh, which one? The construction one. Yeah. No, the other one wears like the plaid shirt with the tie.

There's, I don't know. Not like a flannel, like a plaid. with the tie. There's... I don't know. Not like a flannel. Like a plaid. What are their names? I feel bad. They're probably really nice people. Yeah, one of them is Guido and the other one is...

Jabba. They're the two. Guido and Jabba. They're Mario and Luigi properties. Yes. No, yeah. They both wear plaids and different and sometimes neither oh really they just wear no shirts at all and just yeah that's what i mean

um yeah pretty good um well i'm uh i'm very uh happy to hear that you found somebody who you like. I like him a whole lot. Reply, guys. Eat your hearts out. You were talking about going on Hinge dates. What is Hinge and how is it different from the other ones? I don't know. It's like...

You get more of an Elon Musk fan on Hinge. It's like they ask you these questions. There's, and then everybody says the same thing. I don't know how everybody, I don't know how everybody decided to move to Vancouver at a whim's notice. And they've all decided to put this. They all say one day notice. I go, well,

that just means you have impulse control. Okay? Right. But even, like, even, okay, I didn't meet my boyfriend on Hinge, but like, you know, you already know everything about everyone from Instagram or whatever before you even go out, you know you already know everything about everyone from instagram or whatever before you even go out you know so it's like it's all digital baby sorry so you're a stalker is what we're getting a little bit like he was like do you want to go like our first date he's like do you want to go play tennis and i was like but you have a suspected

acl tear and that's how i knew i loved him he was like he's like what was his like did you read his injury report in the box course no it was like six months ago he posted that he was biking more than running because he had an acl tear and boy did i take six months of biking i'll fix that right though. I don't know how these things work. But that's good that you're compiling concrete data. The metadata. Whoa, I said that crazy. Yeah, Hinge is really good at getting people to tell you that they've been to Japan or whatever, which I guess the other apps don't offer that service.

That's true. The other apps are racist that way. They don't want to hear you, but you're true. My thing is like, okay, hinge, I think is what people go on.

Tinder, I think is, I've only went on Tinder once and this guy kissed me, smashed my head against the store window. And I was like, okay, this is enough. Wait a minute.

What the hell? Was it a bad kiss or was it a wrestling move? Yeah. I was trying to be passionate. I think. Oh, he like kissed you and that smashed your head into the window no he like grabbed me and smashed me and i was like woo okay tinder you threw you through the window you woke up in a hardware store and

bumble i think is just to find guys with like kooky socks kooky socks all right but i never went on bumble yeah the Property Brothers are on there yeah when I worked at the bar I could always I would ask like girls when the date went to the bathroom I'd be like what up

and I you could really categorize people I feel like Hinge was for people for guys who work in sales and they wear button down shirt

button down shirt in sales possibly stock market people or just sales retail yeah septum piercing wolves of lower back tattoo just like guys whose uncle got them a job you know i wish my uncle would give me a job what the hell man you know what my uncle gave me what's that farsight gallander nice awesome that is pretty cool actually um yeah i know there's all these different dating apps but i don't know what makes them different from one another and your assertion of them does not help once whatsoever like how

does hinge work is it different than uh swipingiping? No, they're all swipe-based economies. Swipe-based economies. Well, actually, Hinge is not like a... Hinge, you swipe, but then you send likes, so I might not have seen someone's profile, and then they will like me, and I'll go, hello, what's your deal?

Like, yeah, it's really also embarrassing to run into people you know on there. I find that truly humiliating. That's embarrassing to run into people you know on there i find that oh yeah truly humiliating that's the only reason i don't go on there i never had them until the pan panama panamamic um but i never went on a date the whole time with anyone from one of those apps because they were it was just awful people's approaches were terrible they were like i have covid do you want covid that kind of thing yeah yeah it's kind of funny like how fast you eliminate someone they'll be like how's it going and you're like i can't with this that's your line just anything is horrible i don't know why

and you can see yourself doing to other people too this guy was like oh so how good did you get a binge watching tv shows and i was like pretty good and he never said anything and i was like that was the wrong answer. Yeah. He was hoping that you hadn't watched any and you just read the Bible. Yeah. I binge read the Bible. I binge the Bible this year.

Yeah. I should have. The chapters are so small. Yeah. I feel like I should read the Bible. Just that it's such a big book that like by the end of my life, I should have read the Bible. Just, just out of pure curiosity of what,

you know, what goes on in there. It's a lot of different stories. And, uh, I just know the, the biggies. I want to know the small ones,

you know, this. Okay. I've told you this before that my great aunt gave me a children's Bible, two Christmases in a row, the same children's Bible. And didn't give anyone else, any of the other grades me a children's bible two christmases in a row the same children's bible and didn't give anyone else any of the other kids a children's bible ever she was so hell-bent on giving me a children's bible only well you're the witch you were her witchiest relative i'm the little heathen yeah what's uh i'm not even joking that was one of my hinge

answers that anecdote really? the worst gift you ever received and then yeah it was so oh yeah yeah Dave what's the worst gift you've ever received? Worst guest I've ever had on the podcast?

oh that's a good question worst gift I've ever had on the podcast? Oh, that's a good question. Uh-oh. Worst gift I've ever received? Boy, this is, I mean, look, I'm happy to get anything. I don't deserve nothing. Sure, you just want anything just as long as it's healthy. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, though, this is only on my mind because I literally ran into it the other day.

When I was a teenager, my sister got me a rain stick and uh and um the like her kids were playing with it at my parents house this weekend and i was like they're like dave do you want to take your rain stick home no no no mate no because it keeps making rain happen yeah that's true you have a worst present ever from a family member um i had some uh very slowly prepared knuckle sandwich and i didn't see it coming slow roasted falling off the bone yeah your face yeah um he was trying to be spontaneous on a date and just punch me in the face I wouldn't put it past anyone in this freaking town yeah did you hey did that guy who

smashed you into the store window did you meet him on unhinged nice nice I also want to add a D at the end honorable mention my sister gave me a crystal tic tac toe set okay that seems like at the end of the game? Honorable mention, my sister gave me a crystal tic-tac-toe set. Okay.

That seems like right up your alley, crystal. Yeah, you like crystals. Not crystals, just glass. Oh, not crystals. Okay. Tic-tac-toe is like you're stuck on a ferry or something horrible's happened. You're at a recital. It's not like a game

that I try and play on purpose at my home. Something horrible's happening you're at a recital it's not like a play a game that i try and play on purpose in my home something horrible's happening like going to a recital it's true even then you could do hangman exactly thank thank you but like that's what we did in church every week hangman yeah would it be like this sucks or something is that yes or like some catchphrase from you know 1994 god milk yeah um and we we would get we go to church my sisters and i uh on sundays they usually held it and you get a bulletin uh with the little program of what's happening and sometimes uh you know it goes on to a third page but only you know a little bit of text on that page whoa you got a whole goes on to a third page, but only, you know, a little bit of text on that page. Whoa, you got a whole blank page to do a bunch of activities. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh.

Have you, did you ever go to church in your youth, Maddie? I was with my dad on the weekends. My dad renounced God in a very big way. Okay. But sometimes I would convince him to let me go to Sunday school with my mom because my mom went to the witch hippie church on Oak. Oh, yes. You could catch up with all your witch friends.

And I would go to Sunday service again. I only liked that because they had peak friends cookies. Oh, boy. There it all goes. Nostalgia. It was also just like, I remember feeling like around those kids. I was like, these kids are in a different, like, they know shit. I don't know. You know what I mean? I was like, those, these kids are in a different, like they know shit. I don't know.

You know what I mean? I was like, I'm not in this culture. Like, what are they talking about? Like, I only knew Jesus and Santa. You only knew it from your children's Bible. They knew like Samson and, and. Samson and name one other person from the Bible, please. Delilah?

Yeah, there you go. Was that her name? Yeah. So I liked that. But I wasn't allowed to go very often. Right. Allowed to. It was like one of those condo kind of things that you go down and you're like, you just have to listen to a lecture and you get three days in this beautiful resort.

Yeah, exactly. Like you just have to hear about God for a bit. Peak friends. Heaven is a timeshare. Our lady minister, whatever, was a lesbian. So it was a cool place. It was. Yeah.

Was it inside? Was it around a fire or what kind of, was it an inside building? No, it was in a church, but they burned incense there. Yes. So that's cool. Smelled great. Yeah. I also liked, I always liked any time where I was separated from my mother,

like at Ikea when they'd send me to the place where you get to watch the movie. I loved that. I thought that was awesome. Yeah. Not the ball pit?

Near the ball pit. Like the ball pit and they show you like Kiki's Delivery Service or whatever. Oh, I don't remember that. Yeah,

sometimes they'd show you that and stuff like that where it was like there's a kid zone you can be in because I would kind of like, I like meeting kids that didn't go to my school. Yeah, me too. Because they didn't stuff like that where it was like there's a kid zone you can be in. Because I would kind of like it. I like meeting kids that didn't go to my school. Yeah, me too.

Because they didn't know how much of a freak I was yet. I just want to meet kids that don't go to my school. I literally wanted to date too. Like I was like, I could meet someone here. At the Ikea. At like five or six, yeah. I'll just hang out in the ball pit, see what comes my way. This guy really liked

When Phil Hartman was talking During Kiki's delivery service He's the cat He is? Yeah, Phil Hartman's the cat Kirsten Dunst is Kiki That's how she got her nickname Kiki D

Is this true? I don't know if that's true I mean, those are the voices in it What are these voices in? I'm lost Kiki's Delivery Service it's a great film it's a movie about a witch

a girl witch yeah it's one of my favorites it's a Miyazaki but somehow it doesn't feel like the same oeuvre the Totoro girls are different than the kiki's delivery service

girls i've noticed do you feel like the girls are not the not different in the disney movies or are they all the same girl in the disney movies yeah like why wouldn't people can be distinct a different movie yeah that's true they can usually do i don't mean like the girl in the movie i meant like the kind of girl that likes the girl. Oh, I see. Like my sister was Totoro. I was Kiki's Delivery Service. My sister was Sleeping Beauty.

I was Pocahontas. You know, different people. They used to, you know how they like code for if you were gay, you were friends with Dorothy? Yeah. Or a friend of Dorothy? Yeah. Is that what it was? Yeah.

If you were a Japanese girl living in the countryside in the 60s, you were neighbors of Totoro. Yes. Yes. I like that. Yeah, nobody got hurt. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Oh, it's fall. The latest ever.

Today's the day on my street when the leaves are coming down nice the big trees dropping their leaves dropping their loads on me nice uh and the i prefer that's the way you say it thank you yeah yeah yeah uh they um there's a so there's a tree right outside our window that i was you know we have there's so many trees in the neighborhood so many leaves i can't count them all yeah but just as i was like paying attention to like new leaves and and petals sprouting all spring long there's this one tree in my front yard i was paying attention to how many leaves were left on it and it was 13 leaves two days ago then it was 12 leaves the next day then 11 the next day okay and then today it was eight and then a couple hours later today it was four so

today's the day it's going have you been reporting this to your to your children that keeping them up to date of the leaves or do they not care they don't why would they care i don't know they're learning counting and probably like leaves a lot. You know, they probably have to do some sort of craft with leaves. They're learning how boring dad is. Or boring dad is. I got my... So that's the first topic.

Yeah. Any comment? Awesome. Good stuff. Yeah. The leaves fall and they get wet and then they turn into mold and i'm having the worst allergies i've had in years oh really yeah yeah yeah in years yeah i don't know what it is about this year but maybe it's like that it's still fairly warm or something

i don't know but it's it's uh i feel like it's cold really like what are you wearing outside when you go go somewhere oh shorts poked out bikini what's it called wait you wear shorts and a bikini that's pretty cool shorts i'll keep you warm bikini hat sun hat stuffed with crystals big backpack the next thing that's going on is uh i uh got my flu shot yesterday nice good job uh i got a text at 1 30 in the morning from my pharmacy saying we got flu shot was it like you up and then you're like yeah it was like flu shots in case you don't have my number saved just have a boy kiss you and smash you through our front window and come get a flu shot uh no i had signed up to like let hey let me know when they have flu shots and it texted me and woke me up at 1 30 in the morning uh so i went yesterday and uh i had filled out all my

information online and they just said okay what what's, what, uh, when you check in, you have to tell them what's what arm you want the shot in. And I was like, oh, I always get it in my left arm and cause I'm right-handed. But then it occurred to me after the COVID shots that I sleep on my left side and that maybe I don't want it in my left arm. So after I had checked in, I went and the guy was going to give me the shot and he said, okay, and you'll get it in my left arm so after i checked in i went and the guy was going to give me the shot and he said okay and you'll get it in your left arm and i said actually can i get in the right because i i changed my mind and he was like oh no we've already submitted this information to the government that you've got it in your left yeah so and i was i threw a fit i was like i don't need the nanny state knowing what arm I'm getting pricked in. Just give it to me straight to my heart.

Like, yeah. I thought that was weird. That is weird. That is weird. I went for one as well. And it's the fact that you have to fill it such a elaborate questionnaire to just have this thing that's like,

boop, get out. Yeah. And it's the's a lot of the questions are about things that would make you qualify for a free shot all right are you taking care of someone are you do you have people under five in your house uh but this year all the shots are free so i don't know why they yeah that's like when i go to a bar. All the shots are free. Or I assume they are. I need to get a flu shot.

Well, they've only had them for one day. One time I got a shot and I blacked out. And I kept talking about Nigella Lawson. While you were blacked out? Yeah, I was so anxious. You're afraid of the jabs? I'm better now because I've gotten so many blood tests. Cause I'm always getting UTIs. Maddie,

she'll let it all out. You know, she's not afraid. Yesterday we were at work and I was like, Hey everybody, just going to let everybody know I have a UTI. And I don't want to, I just want you to know that I'm being a huge bitch all day because of that

but just really quick I was thinking about this all night last night it's really annoying that they're associated with sex because I just get them when I'm stressed like even if I don't have sex you know like and it's just not really fair you know like if you get a headache I don't go oh somebody got railed you know

no but somebody got kissed in front of a store window. Then you'd be like, yeah, that's a headache. I'm going to say that every time. Like, somebody got their head smashed into a store window. Did you, when you get, did you? Somebody got a headache. Oh, somebody's redialed a Tinder.

I think. Did you put a UTI spell on yourself? Should you? Did you pull the two of B-holes? Anyway, now I'm not so scared of the jab because i get so many tests on me and i had to get an iv for a week once does what why nigella lawson i don't know don't ask me you had to get an iv in your arm for a week i had to have an iv port in my arm for like five days because i had a uti that turned into a kidney infection that was going to freaking kill me if I didn't get IV antibiotics.

Hmm. That's interesting. Well, the equivalent on the man side is if you hurt your wrist, everybody will make fun of you. So that's number two. And the third thing happening in this house is my beloved little dog monster. Yeah. Had elective surgery on his testicles being removed. He got a UTI. Oh, poor monster.

Yeah. Yeah, he's right back at it, though. He's not feeling it. I saw him very briefly, and only one of his ears were going up independently of one another. And he just stood there like he's the most stone dog that ever got stoned. Yeah. Well, his ears go up and down because he's got the cone on that pushes them down unevenly. And it's very cute.

We might just keep the cone on forever. Just fill it up with dog kibble and then he could just eat it over the course of the day. Does he get a treat for that? Yeah, he gets one treat. One treat for the for the whole what does he like does he like chicken oh he loves everything but he gets so many treats uh but yeah to give him his medicine we were supposed to put it in his food and he wasn't eating it so we today i made a big uh mash of these like lamb bits with peanut butter and boy they're just like a little dried out entire tiny like sardines crispy crispy stinky sardines and he uh oh he ate that up real quick wow a real tapas man yeah that's true. Take him to tap us.

Say tap us again. I don't want to. No, yeah. So he's doing fine. I guess we just have to keep this thing on his head for a week. For a whole week? I mean, they say up to 10 days, but it's just a matter of when the stitches heal. Yeah.

When I got mine done, they let me have the cone on for 24 hours, and then they said to me. Wow, but you're not licking. Well, you don't know that. You don't know the private hours of what I do. It's funny how with dogs, they put the cone around your head, but with people, they just put the cone around your crotch. Yeah, exactly. It's really, it's super embarrassing put the coat around your head, but with people, they just put the coat around your crotch. Yeah, exactly. It's really, it's super embarrassing because everybody knows what happened to you. I guess they do vasectomies for humans.

Yeah. It's true. I guess. But I don't think they take the balls off if you get a vasectomy. No. I don't think that. No. I think they just make you wear sweatpants for a couple days.

Yeah, you gotta wear sweatpants. They will remove your balls if you want, and they will put in glass marbles so they make like a little sound. Or jingle bells. Squeak your toys. Yeah. Every time you sit down. Oh man, yeah.

Poor monster. Yeah, poor guy. But he's fine. And it had to be done. Yeah, yeah. Because you don't want a bunch of little monsters running around uh you freeze any of his sperms um uh i mean i guess i did by accident a bunch got a blue episode oh a bunch got on my uh you know, whatever, in my ice cube tray. No, he's not a very horny dog yet anyway.

Well, you wait until he goes through puberty and then, holy cow, he won't talk to you anymore. He'll start putting up posters of bands he likes. Who does he like? He likes the people who wrote Who Let the the dogs out. They like dog star. Uh, I think we did pretty good work there. Yeah. Sharon bones and the DAP Kings.

Yes. The dog Kings. Uh, so that's me. Just what a, what a week a week yeah huge week um i uh i've been doing neighborhood patrols of all the houses that are putting up super spooky stuff yeah this neighborhood's got it it's got an unlock when it comes to uh doing like big big yard displays yeah are you like do you like those you enjoy that people go all out or do you just like i don't care i like i yeah i like seeing other people do it i don't

want to do it no but yeah i'd like people to go all out that's i think it's cool but i wonder if the neighbors are like they'll have to be next to this skeleton house for a whole month well it's it's uh the reason i don't like doing it is because it rains so much here especially in october that you get like all your gross fake spider webs are just trashed those like inflatable um you know frankenstein's marshmallow man just gets soaked the whole like it's made of fabric. Yeah. I'm not a big fan of the inflatable ones that require being plugged in. I'm like, this is unnecessary use of power.

But I like decorations. Yeah. I like, okay, when I was a kid, I was trick-or-treating and someone sort of had a clothesline. They just threw a ghost down and it hit me. And I loved that. That was really scary. But I'm a very classic with decorations. I like just pumpkins.

And at Christmas, I like it to be very clean. Yeah. Were you, did you dress up as a kid or were you a kid that didn't do the dress up stuff? I still dress up. What did you go as still dress up what do you what did you go as in the early days or what did you go as last year uh i went as pirate last year with a mustache classic okay here's my well i'd love to share okay when i was a kid i would always dress up as a pretty thing you know like tinkerbell or hermione granger or whatever i wanted right and then somehow hermione granger is also really smart yeah that's very

true um and then one day i just got self-conscious and ironic and i just went as ugly things i was ugly betty i went as cat stevens ugly betty's actually really smart and actually really pretty really good person i did go as ugly betty i had the poncho and everything actually america ferrera she's quite beautiful yeah very beautiful i had the fake braces and everything. It's actually America Ferrera. She's quite beautiful. Yeah. Very beautiful. I had the fake braces and everything. And last year I went as a fricking man pirate and I am sick of it. And I want to be something pretty this year. And I have a goddamn boyfriend and so help me God. I was going to be something,

just a girl. I'm going to be a pretty girl. Frankly, I'm going to be slutty. Is he going to, is he going to join in? Are you going to do a couple's. I'm going to be slutty. Is he going to, is he going to join in? Are you going to do a couple's costume? What are you thinking?

No, I think it's too soon for a couple's costume. It's, you're going to wait a whole other calendar year before a couple's costume. Couple's costume is like, Ooh, I smell a bat coming. Couple's costume is like when people are pregnant and they're very smug about it.

It's like, yeah, we're Woody and Buzz. You know, it's just like come on wait a minute this is not this is not a category that exists pregnant ladies who are going as pixar characters i mean like you know when people are pregnant they're so smug and they're like yeah we aren't drinking anymore happy halloween aren't we i don't want to i don't know i don't want to be annoying yeah oh too late uh i know i know but then also i'm like just be annoying you've been single for two years go with a plug and a socket that sounds good oh couples yeah um yeah a key and a hole.

Yeah. I just want to post a picture with me and fake eyelashes and just be like, sorry boys, I'm hot. What do you want from me? I can't be a freaking comedian every day of the year. Here's my question about people's work that they do on Instagram is where they'll take a picture

of themselves and then the caption is something not to do with themselves at all.'s a bit piece of news or something like that i'm like what the fuck does that have to do with anything yeah a new friend's heard it and assassinated that was a race that was a race you went old i went new i went the news article i saw today what was it? A new strain of heroin is ruining the United States. God. It's bad.

I'm still holding out that the next strain will fix America, fix the United States. Sure. I don't think it's called a strain. What do you call it? I call it a... Can you edit this out? And instead i go they just put a kid a human kidney on a pig and it survived that also happened today they put it on a pig i think so pin the kidney on the pig dave's not only not going to cut that out he's going to edit it on a

loop a three-minute loop of you talking about america's heroin crisis um the uh there's one house in uh i think maybe around your house graham that has a very tall skeleton and a very big uh spider web yeah yeah yeah yeah and uh i love. I am excited about it. There are people a couple blocks away that have, they have two skeletons every day rearranged in different poses. Oh. Like one day they were zip lining. One day they were like. One day they were missionary.

Hey, come on. One day they were. We're not going to tolerate that. One day they were cowboys. One day they were zip lining. One day. Today they were, they were cowboys. One day they were ziplining. One day... Today they were... They were like passed out

and they had just a bunch of empty milk cartons around them. That's because they need calcium. They're... They're drunk. They get drunk on calcium? Yeah, on milk. They love it.

But like the people in this house must have been saving up their milk jugs for months. You know, they went around door to door. Do you have milk jugs to give away? Yeah they went around door to door do you have milk milk jugs to give away um yeah when's the last time do you buy a lot of milk do you buy milk by the jug you must dave oh you're talking to me yes i know maddie doesn't she's got a uti she can't drink that much milk we uh uh literally like we'll accidentally both buy Abby and I will come home in the same day

oh no we both bought gallons of milk and it's fine we drink it all wow cow milk cow milk because we me and my other 25 year old girl roommate we go through gallons of almond milk sorry yeah I'm an oat milk

man I'm all in on oat milk, so there you go. But like it's for a smoothie. I don't want to drink a bunch of oats. You know what? Your almond milk is bad for the environment and everybody knows it. I know. I don't drive a car. Well, that's not equal. Yes, it is. It must be. No way.

I don't drive a car. The responsibility of saving the planet should not be placed on the individual no I know it's my bad thing it's like I don't shop on Amazon but I drink so much almond milk you know yeah it's like me I don't shop on Amazon but I did blow Jeff Bezos

oh man the one thing that happened to me this week oh you got okay yes we haven't talked about anything yet Oh, man. The one thing that happened to me this week. Okay, yes. We haven't talked about anything yet? No. This was all preamble? Yeah.

Okay. But the other day, I was driving a car, Maddie, so you probably hate me, upside down and backwards. But I was driving to the grocery store. Story's getting worse and worse. And I was going to driving to the grocery store and, uh, I started getting worse and worse that I was going to get the grocery store. Not only does he drive, he eats. Yeah. And then I, uh, I go in and just get whatever's the most chemically chicken and I just eat it right at the store.

Um, I, uh, I pulled into, I was pulling into a spot and I didn't realize that the guy that was standing next to his car next to the spot was holding up jumper cables. And so I pulled in and then he was like, oh man, thank you so much. And I was like, what the fuck? I don't know. I don't know what I've done here. And he said, can you give me a jump? And I was like, yeah, probably.

If you know what you're doing, then yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah probably if you know what you're doing then yeah yeah yeah and uh and then uh we couldn't find what opened the hood because uh i haven't done that i'll never do it uh you know god willing um but uh so he had to find that and then it's like we were just the most hapless two people then his his wires wouldn't go over the car so I had to drive backwards and back it in, and people were honking at me. It was so terrible. Did you consider just driving away? Yeah, I did.

When I had to kind of go out of the spot a little bit and then come back, I was like, I can just keep driving, and I don't need to go to the grocery store. I'll go to another grocery store. This guy doesn't know me. Yeah. He might.

You're a public figure. I'm not a public figure. Nobody knows. You are. Everybody knows you. Yeah, I'm like Gassy Jack here in Vancouver. So, yeah, I helped this guy. But in all honesty, I didn't try.

I didn't want to try to help this guy. It was just dumb luck on his part. But do either of you know how to do a jump? No. I have. So this happened to me, and I'm a member of the Automobile Association. And I called them up, and I said, I need a jump. And they said, okay.

And the guy came up and jumped. And he said, just so you know, cars don't work the same way they used to. Like, it used to be you could get jumped and then you just drive for a while and your battery recharges itself. Right. And, like, you, I don't know. There was, I remember it happened to my parents once. And the guy was like, keep it in neutral for a while. Okay.

Yeah, I don't know. But the guy said, no, it doesn't work like that anymore what you need to do now that i've jumped your car drive to canadian tire and buy uh this thing that you attach to your battery oh okay so you you can like you you if you need your car jumped you plug this thing into the wall i mean it recharges your entire battery so you won't oh okay and so this guy's getting a commission from canadian tire yeah maybe the boogeyman of my childhood was dead a dead battery that was the thing my parents were scared of in the world like a dead battery on a road trip even just to turn on the little light in the car for 10 seconds to look at in someone's purse,

everyone would be screaming that battery's going to die. We're going to freeze to death. We're going to be out here. And I'm like, I only, it only learned, I only learned when I was an adult that not everyone's, that was actually not as big of a problem as my parents had made it out to

be. No. I mean, if batteries were that sensitive, then the cars would be littered all over the highway. Exactly. Yeah. But like, I mean, if batteries were that sensitive, then the cars would be littered all over the highway. Exactly. Yeah, but like, I don't know. He knew exactly where to put the, I don't know what they call them, the tongs, the battery tongs.

Yeah, the tongs. Yeah, if I had to do it, I was just glad that he took the initiative because I was like, oh boy, do I, we'd be standing here on google and trying to figure out which is my left and which is your right oh i literally any car problem i just google i like try to find a youtube video about nice uh how look up my model of car and why the the rear hatch only opens half an inch right and, whereas I like to just take off the license plates and just leave it where it is and just walk away. Maybe I light it on fire.

Maybe not. Yeah. Yeah. We have different approaches. Do you guys want to move on to some overheards? Okay. Right.

Well, hello. I'm Renee Colvert. Hi, I'm Alexis Preston. And we are the hosts of Can I Pet Your Dog? And we got breaking news. We got an expose. All the beans have been spilled via an Apple podcast review that said this show isn't well-researched. Well, yeah, no duh.

Of course it's not. Not since the day we started has it been well-researched. Guessing and anthropomorphizing dogs is what we do. The Can I Pet Your Dog promise is that we will never do more than 10 seconds of research before telling you excitedly about any dog we see. I'm going to come at you with top 10 enthusiasm, minimal facts. We're here for a good time, not an educated time. So if you love dogs and you don't love research, well, you know what? Come on in to Can I Pet Your dog podcast every tuesday on maximum fun network overheard overheard the segment of the show that you um bless us with your presence when you bring

us something you've heard or seen um or something hilarious you felt with your hands. We always like to start with our guest. Maddie, do you have an overheard? I do. I have two. Two, that's right. You have two. I'll do my least good one first.

Okay. I am a comedian. I close strong. So the last time I was on, or maybe the first time I was ever on, I saw a shirt that was like, eat what elephants eat. And I was on, or maybe the first time I was ever on, I saw a shirt that was like, eat what elephants eat. And I was so confused by that.

Still am. If anyone knows what that means, let me know what movement that's for. Did we say peanuts? Could it be peanuts farmers? That was the riff. Yeah, we were like peanuts. But this one, another t-shirt that doesn't make any sense to me about animals. It just said, keep calm and love wasps. Hmm.

You sure they're talking about? Yeah, I had a picture of a little wasp. Okay. Instead of a monarch. Right. And not white Anglo-Saxon Protestants. So, why? And what?

Love wasps? Love wasps. Because we're trying to keep bees alive, but wasps suck. Wasps do suck, but probably something cool eats them. And then something even cooler eats that thing. Yeah. So we got to keep wasps around. If they disappear, I don't know what will happen.

But, you know, they're a minor. That doesn't mean I have to love them. It should say keep calm and tolerate wasps. Yeah, that's true. What's the call to action for me to love them? Make sure that you remember their birthday and, you know, that you show up for them when they're down. You're right. You know, like you can tell when a wasp is having a bad day.

It's buzzing around your head. I googled the eat what elephants eat. And the first thing was from vegnews.com. Eat what elephants eat is more than just a best-selling t-shirt it's a mindset oh okay it's the mindset though uh ripped vegan athlete entrepreneur and activist dominic thompson is on a mission to make plant-based eating accessible and affordable for everyone so just plant-based yeah eating that sounds pretty so elephants eat like this is our knowledge there's a huge information gap here because i didn't even know that about elephants i thought what do you think they cheese tigers

little bits of cheese or bits of cheese and maybe whatever they find you think they ate hay i thought they ate pork and beef and all the good stuff yeah prosciutto they're huge you're telling me

that guy's so big from eating a bunch of soybean I know right yeah Dominic you've convinced me um

uh uh elephants eat roots grasses fruit and bark an adult elephant can consume up to 300 pounds of food in a single day.

Woof. Whoa. Yeah. That's a lot of cheese. I ate too much bark last night. Could not sleep. Do you have a moment on the trunk? A lifetime in my hump.

On my hump. Yeah, sure. They've got a hump. Sure my hump. Yeah, sure, they've got a hump, sure. Now, what's your second overheard? Want me to do it now? Oh, no, we can go around the horn, we'll come back to you. How about that? I can do it now. No, let's come back to you. Okay. Okay. Dave, do you have an overheard?

Barely. Mine is an overseen, and we've been going blue in this episode. Nothing is going to get bluer than an overseen and we've been going blue in this episode nothing is going to get bluer than this overseen uh so if you're driving with your kids fast forward five minutes um this is gonna be five minutes long yeah it might because it's got a bit of a backstory of how I came to see it. Yes. Okay. I was listening to Retail Nightmares, my friend's show. Yeah. My friend makes that show. Which one is my friend?

Who knows? You never know. Is it Jay? Could be Jay. And they had Christine Bordelin, past guest of this show, on their show. We haven't had her in the pandemic. We have Maddie twice. We don't have Christine once.

An oversight, to be sure. To be sure, absolutely. Yeah, this episode, this segment is called Oversight. And she was talking about how she has trouble gripping in the morning. She calls it morning strength. And her boyfriend said that's not a thing. And then Jess said, oh, yeah, I have that too. It's like you don't have as much strength in the morning.

And so I Googled it to see, is that a thing? And the first thing that comes up is a morning strength training routine. Okay. And it was a youtube video and it was just a still of a of a person like with their legs over their head like they were trying to suck their own yes okay morning strength baby instead of instead of looking at how to get strong in the morning i then just googled how to suck your own dick and this is my overseen uh this is an article i found um how to self-suck an article it was in the atlantic

but i was just i was in bed last night and i was just like my body was heaving. I was laughing so hard to myself. One of those moments. Anyway, so in the article it says, why try self-sucking? And it's got all these numbered reasons. Number one, because you can. Yeah, that's true. Because it's there.

Number two, it's a huge turn on. Yeah, absolutely. Well, the thing is, it's a huge turn on yeah absolutely well here's the well the thing is uh it's a huge turn on i'm not ashamed to admit that i'm gay and trust me whenever i do autofillatio in front of a man it turns him on as no other kissing and fucking could so i just like to imagine that they're like making a, hold on a second. Yeah, wait till you see this. And I could not stop picturing this and I was laughing. So it's just like interrupting whatever, whatever a couple is doing. It's like, wait a minute. Yeah, check this out.

I want to show you, you know, that new sound you're looking for. Reason number three, convenience. Sure. Absolutely. You don't have to travel. You don't have to get on Hinge. Number four, you learn what you or your partner like. And then there's a bunch of diagrams of how to do it.

If your partner's like, stop doing that. Yeah. I do like when you suck me off. I do not like when you suck yourself off. Makes me feel unimportant. And there's four or five positions to try. Nice. And then the last part is risks.

What are the risks when doing it? Breaking your back. Never wanting to leave the house. That's right. right yeah just having to live inside all the time anyway so that's yeah you never know who that guy's been with yeah um i is it like a recipe where at the end it says enjoy yeah it was like a recipe it had like six paragraphs on this guy's personal journey now it's autumn and the autumn weather always makes him want remember sucking his own dick oh yeah one of the uh uh tips tips for a successful self-suck uh clean up uh uh good ambiance

get help from your partner sure assuming you have a partner at this time if you're spending all your time making assumptions once you've googled how to suck your own dick can never look back and the last tip is

have your phone close by put 911 have your phone close by. Put 911 in your phone. Memorize the list and you'll learn again. Make a go bag for the hospital. Well, I was making out. We were about to have sex. And then I told my partner, hey, hey, hey, check this out first.

And then I heard a snap. My head rolled off. I can't breathe. Told you it would be five minutes. That was great. That was great. That was great. I was here for that. Yeah. We're blessed. I'm honored. That was great. Amazing. I was here for that.

Yeah. We're blessed. I'm honored. Bless that mess. My overheard. Yeah. Is an overseen actually not something over. But this this links into the saga that is my upstairs neighbors.

The clumpers. Who. Sounds like they're wearing ski boots at all hours of the day when they're walking around. And the guy, a couple of weeks ago, I discovered, like, all the pictures were rattling on the walls. He was making so much noise and motion, and I had to, like, old-timey hit the roof of the apartment with a broom. And that worked, but it was the following day or the day before that you'd gotten in a huge

fight with his wife. And, he's claimed innocence because he came home directly from jujitsu. So that was his excuse. And so in the last week, there's been, uh, like,

I think you call it a ghee, uh, the, the outfit folded perfectly in our laundry room it's just been sitting there for a week and uh and nobody's touching it i think i might i might try it maybe i'll try it out and see how it looks on me yeah but uh the maintenance lady who i love is her wrote a note on it. Like saying, uh, you know, if this is, you're giving it away,

put a free sign on it. Uh, if it's yours, come get it. But her first, the headline was, what is this? Which,

uh, yeah, fair question. I don't, yeah, I've never done, uh, martial arts.

Free gi. The sequel to free guy. What if I get a free geese free i like that maddie really dragged that all the way i was like yeah okay what um uh have you seen free guy no i don't have children sorry yeah my kids love it did you um yeah it tastes like children is it good and the only people i know that thought i'd have children i wasn't trying to be mean no i have not seen it oh um neither there's a big big talk at thanksgiving about how they bought it on apple apple and then it was on Disney Plus for free. It was free on Disney, yeah. Oh, God. It serves them right for buying it on Apple.

The kids wanted to watch it. We want to watch Free Guy every day from now until forever. Yeah, it was a kind of sleeper hit. They didn't think it would be such a hit, and then it was. Isn't every movie a hit right now because there's only five movies that are out i mean what's not to be a hit is that it um it wasn't based on a comic book yeah and uh you know dear evan hansen everybody hated that so for you guys there's that makes room for free guy that's a double bill weekend

free guys the second movie for the first movie you're having hanson free evan hanson uh okay now you had another one okay this one's very funny okay so i was walking on my friend danica street and chinatown and there was this really cute girl she was like probably my age and uh so it's 69 and um she was wearing like a nice outfit and she just seemed like a normal person and she was like really happy with her friend and she was like i went fishing once and i pooped in my pants and then her friends started laughing and she said i know i'm so bad at fishing. That's it.

That's the overheard. That was great. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a winner. That's a classic. And you know what? We got to find out about what elephants eat. Yeah. And Dave did some of his own education. Yeah. We learned a lot about that. And if you guys

out there, if you want to learn more about that go to your local library they probably have a schematic there that you can check out yeah they'll tell you how to do it if you they'll give you a pamphlet on how to do it and demonstrate for you because it's not you can't do it on the line like you know

they have volunteers for that yeah that's why so many people go to library school that's why it's a whole university degree, library sciences. Now we have overheards sent in from people all over the map. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes in from John in Austin at the airport.

I just heard on the intercom, whoever just left security grade three and left your toiletry bag, purse and shoes. Please come back to retrieve them. Wow. Shoes. So they just walked through the metal detector and just went there. Their memory was white. Yeah. What am I doing here?

How did I get here? Let's go to SkyMall. Yeah, I mean, I could see toiletry bags, sure, you know, brushing your teeth in the airport, clipping your toenails, all that kind of stuff. But shoes, right? You don't leave shoes behind. That's what the military says.

Don't leave any shoes behind. No shoe left behind, yeah. shoes behind that's what the military says don't leave any shoes behind no shoe left behind yeah um yeah i mean i boy i don't know if the the um the airports have changed since the pandemic but maybe they're different now there are a lot more dogs in the airport than there ever were before there's a lot more like dogs not running around but like a lot on a leash, like not in a bag. Traveling dog? Yeah, traveling dogs. But I don't know.

Not security dogs? No, security dogs are always, what do you call them? Like German Shepherds? Or Beagles, Sniffers, Hounds. Yeah, Hounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love a dog that's got a job. There, I said it.

Next, overheard? Sure? Yes. You have our permission. While walking past an orangutan pit, this is from David in San Francisco. While walking past the orangutan pit, I heard a mom tell her kid who was hanging over the railing, if you fall in there, they make you part of their family and we can't get you out. They make you part of their family, and we can't get you out. They make you part of their family.

And Ohana means family, and family means nobody's left behind. And you want to be part of Orangutan's family. They share their fruit. They're very funny. They can sing a song like King Louie. They got long limbs. Yeah, they're the most helpful one in Planet of the Apes. Orangutan's rule. Orangutan's rule. and uh they got long limbs yeah they're the most helpful one in Planet of the Apes uh orangutans rule

orangutans rule if you come away with anything from this it's suck your own dick and orangutans rule you like an orangutan is there a G at the end of it

is it orangutan or orangutan I think it's orangutan I think it's orangutan you think it's got G at the end I don't think so orangutan

orangutan why can't I have an you know maybe it's got G at the end? No, I don't. Orangutan. Orangutan. Why can't I have an... You know, maybe it's just a weak spot in your education. My internet's down. I can't look it up. It's not orangutan. I'll tell you that. Okay.

Okay. I'll look it up right now if that's going to... No, no. Let's let Maddie just discover this on her own oh shit orangutans yeah yeah um this last one comes from parget s what else don't i know there's a lot there's a lot it's a big world out there you know yeah there's lots of stuff to get wrong they're still called babes right they're called babes yeah they're called great babes chimpanzees chimpanzees yeah chimpanzees um uh this last one comes from pargate s this is one

of the images on the listing for a fancy butter knife. And it's a fancy, like it's got, you know, like speed holes in it or something. Yeah, I know that guy. It's a get right through your brother. No time at all. It's Dave. And the slogan is Logan. Sorry, is a slogan.

Hope you enjoy it. Perfect for bread lovers, bakers, and wholesome households. Oh, yeah. Wholesome. Yeah. Don't drag this into your broken home. We don't want to use customers. Oh, boy.

Our family is such a cesspool, but our home is such a cesspool. But maybe if I just get this one butter knife it'll save us it's the the one with the speed holes they're not speed holes they're you drag them across cold butter right out of the fridge in case you need that butter uh right away and you uh it then cuts it in it's supposed to the butter supposed to come through those little holes and very small... Butterable... Well, you know what I've always said makes a wholesome house good design. That's right.

Yeah, absolutely. That's what I've always said. I've always said orangutans are the foundation of a happy ecosystem. And I've always said the foundation of a happy home is a good design. There you go. Yeah. And I've always said the foundation of a good sexual experience is someone's let's fallaciates themselves fallaciates that's right that's what it is while you while i read a book no no he's yourself and you you yeah go take you take a

lap um uh in addition overhears that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one ugh spy pod one like these people have how do i do this hi dave graham and possible guest um i'm calling in with an overheard from california um i was visiting my mom and she had to take care of some insurance stuff so I was just sitting on the couch while she was doing paperwork. She was on call with an insurance agent and she was doing

that military letter thing where she was saying the letters and then giving them names but she doesn't really know it so she was saying stuff like OG as in great and o as in oh no and then she goes mc as in michael and i just started laughing because i was like that's not the first letter but uh she is in there i hope uh they got all the letters, right. And that's,

uh, that's all. Off I go. See, as in like, so funny. Oh, as in,

Oh no. Um, yeah. Do you have to say the exact things? Is there like, cause I know there's like Delta or there's certain things in the military. They have to use as legs. Yeah.

Alpha Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Delta Echo Foxtrot, Golf. That's really good. Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar Papa, Quebec. I'm having trouble remembering the actual alphabet. Romeo Sierra?

Tango. Yeah. Uniform. Volvo? Yeah, it's Volvo. How did I make it up? Victor? Yeah, Victor sounds right, yeah.

A whiskey Yankee. How do you know all that? Jesus Christ. That was so good. I was a pilot. That's right. Were you an air that? Jesus Christ Dave That was so good I was a pilot That's right Were you an air boy? What's it called? An air cadet?

Yeah No I wasn't Oh Why do you know that? Air boy Do you remember when I Was supposed to be studying For school

And I was reading Trivial pursuit cards? Yeah That kind of thing Stupid thing to know that I'll never need you don't know you maybe the conscription will come back it's that's true and they'll need me on the

radio I've made the mistake of being like you know V as in like something that sounds like something else and they're like what and makes it more confusing right like V as in vendetta vendetta sure can't i have uti i'm too tired for this riff maddie's fading fast next phone call hi jace hi graham hi possible guest

so really quickly uh i'm a lyft driver and today my last ride was four college girls in the back of a car coming back from a mall they were chatting with each other and I heard somebody say and then she said there's no way I can get herpes he's 6'8

he's 6'8 he's 6'8 so He's 6'8". He's 6'8". So I'll never be able to climb up there, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If he had herpes, I'd be able to see them. They'd be pretty big.

Herpes the size of your head. And like, I'll be at crotch level, so I'll know. I'll know before he does. It's like, well, those tall people know when it's when it's going to rain first but short people know if tall people have herpes first all right true yep all right i guess that's all there is to that one and here we go with your final overheard hey d, Dave and Graham. I was just driving through Boston delivering pizzas, and I saw, well, this is an overseen. Sorry, overseen.

I saw, you know those big power boxes that run the traffic lights? I saw somebody, it was written in marker on cardboard that had been cut out and duct taped to the box and it just said in a world full of Kardashians be a Gallagher

and that really hit me you know says a lot that's funny be a Gallagher like melon smashing Gallagher yeah that's what I assume yeah most famous Gallagher

he didn't say possible guest go home and cry myself to sleep you're already home you're home oh I'm like right beside my bed

yeah start crying right now I'm gonna walk a foot and a half and cry myself to bed wait to bed. Wait. To bed. Oh, man.

It's fine. You have a UTI. It's fine. That was funny, though. I loved that one. Yeah, that was great. Thanks, possible guest. Now, this does bring us to the end of the podcast.

Maddie, what are you promoting at the moment? What are you up to? Well, I'm actually working on a secret project with Mark Chavez and Ryan Beal, with producer none other than Dave Shumka. What? So I'm the only one here that's not involved in the project? Do you want to come be involved in it? Yeah, sure.

You can be. Let me out. Get me out. I'm not very good on it um and so that yeah i think that that'll be like a january look for that in january so you can follow me on instagram at it's maddie kelly or me on twitter and it's maddie kelly or me on tiktok at it's maddie kelly and um I pretty much work for Kelly and Kelly now. So I got always got, they always fun projects happening over there.

So you could follow them as well on Instagram and they, they're always coming out with good stuff. Great. That's, you know, no relation, but you know what? If you could slip right into the company,

you wouldn't have to rename it at all. Yeah. You just call it Kelly's three. And then it's just open to whatever other Kelly's Kelly. And then just do a little three, like a little tiny three, like cubed. Yeah. Kelly cubed. Yeah.

Do we have it? Do you have anything to promote? You kind of promoted something through Maddie today. That's pretty good. I guess I can promote. I'm here every week. I'll promote it when it comes out. Damn.

I will say, because this comes out on Monday the 1st. Is that what it is? No. This will be out on the 25th. On the 25th. 25th, 26th. I'm pretty late in putting these out these days. Take too long to edit.

I'm going to be doing a one-off laugh gallery show at Havana with their whole new setup that I've never seen before. Um, and, uh, that will be on November 1st, the first day after Halloween, November 1st,

bring all the tiny candies that you have. I'll make sure it finds a good home. And, uh, yeah, you should come to the show. The tickets are available. I'll put it on Instagram.

How about that? Okay. Yeah. Tickets will be available on internet? On internet, yeah. If you go to Havana.com, there will be. I'll be there. Havana.com?

Maybe Havana Restaurant. Oh, my God. And Maddie's on the show, which is great. I'm on the show. Yeah, I do stand-up comedy, and I don't like to tell anybody when. So you got to just support local shows, and maybe I'll be there. I travel. Why don't you want to tell people that you're doing stuff?

I don't want them to follow me after the show and hit me on the head with a hammer. Boy, yeah, that is the worry. Havana Vancouver is the website. There is links on HavanaVancouver.com. Okay. And happy Halloween. Happy Halloween, Vancouver.com. Okay. And happy Halloween. Happy Halloween, everybody.

Go out there. Don't take any homemade goods. We know that they're poison and old ladies are out. Do kill you. Maybe the spookiest

thing of all. Yeah, exactly. And thank you, everybody out there for listening. Take care. Have a spooky time. Don't work in the lab late one night because you know it'll happen.

And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.