Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 712 - Christine Bortolin

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

Improviser Christine Bortolin returns to talk birds, contact lenses, discount candy.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 712 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who looks just dandy with his new haircut, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I got my haircut on Tuesday and I play hockey on Tuesday nights and I went to a new person to cut my hair and i've never been to this person before and he put a lot of junk in my hair and uh it was very was fighting with how spiky and pokey up it is and we kept like trying to brush it down like really gave me a tin tin yeah do you mind if i use this elmer's glue to fix your situation?

Brushed it forward, but then, oh, got to be spiky in the front. And it was fine, except then I played hockey and all this junk that was in my hair, all the like creams and ointments, they all sweated down into my face. And I was just like, oh, well, I guess I need to drink more water to get this out of my mouth uh our guest today joining us here on the podcast a favorite guest a return guest the oh so funny christine bordelon hello hello port dog radio. Ayo. Here we go. My dad once made a podcast before podcasts were a thing called Dog Talk Radio. But he hid it from me, but I found out because he made my sister's co-host. He called himself. Sorry, this is actually a long story.

I don't know if I should start. No, no, no. I want to hear everything about this story. You piqued both of our interests. And I think my mic um uh yeah so my dad started a podcast on this a website where it was just like um video like audio blogging at that point and he called it dog talk radio and for the logo he found a dog pressing the button to talk on a microphone but then the thing the thing that he said like the motto for it or whatever was no dogs here just talking politics and current events never talked

about dogs at all and then he had my sister as his co-host but he called her maxi so that was her like radio name sure you gotta have a radio name and then he called himself um my brother's name is michael and they were kind of like you know my brother was a teen and they were disagreeing at the time and he called himself mike power mike power that's good which i feel like it was a simpsons reference but then also he chose his son's name a lot to unpack there mike power and max what was the other one maxie mike power maxi on dog talk radio no dogs here which is politics and current events and over to you, logo. I do like, I feel like many people, when they make a podcast logo, they gotta be like, well, we gotta make, we gotta have a microphone in there and headphones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta let people know this is a podcast.

Yeah. Yeah. Otherwise, they don't know. Radio stations don't feel that compunction. They just have a picture of a fox or a mountain. Compunction. Sure, maybe I have a word of the day calendar. Who knows?

And you're using it. That's the next level. Yeah, that's true. Not only do you have it. But I'm trying to wedge words in where they maybe don't belong. So, it's an education by fire. Yeah, that's sort of your compunction. Hey, that's how science does itunction that's how hey that's how

science does it they try stuff and then if it fails they just try something else exactly you're doing it great thanks um should we get to know us yeah get to know us okay bye okay bye everybody that's it we got 10 minutes of content that's all anybody needs it's just promo for dog talk radio yeah exactly and Mike Power

Mike Power and Maxi in the morning traffic and weather together on the ones here in the Mike Power and hello um uh mike it's uh kevin and albuquerque uh i just want you're on the line yeah i just uh i've got it so i've got a new i got a chihuahua and we're having a little problem we're not talking dogs we don't know dogs here uh well uh she's actually running for Congress. Okay.

Okay. Well, that fits in. What's her platform? It's a very small one. Now, Christine, before the podcast, just as we were starting the podcast, you and Dave had a good good chin wag about uh hairdos they've just got his haircut you also you went for a major cut i did i had a nice long dry head of hair i decided to chop it all off to just blow the ear and i mean like now i can kind of i if i take my headphones off i just wag my hair from side to side it feels amazing yeah yeah yeah new new haircut is it's its own feeling i haven't felt it in many many

years what what is your uh how do you normally like what was how long first of all how long did you have long hair how um on and off but like i say like, you know, like a year and a half maybe. Okay. Since you last had a short hair? Oh, since I last had short, short hair. Oh, like 10 years maybe? Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. So this is, this is a big switch up. This is a big switch up. Oh yeah. It's great. My showers are shorter, which is great because it's cold. I can wear scarves again.

Finally. Yeah. Finally. And I can get back into headbands. There's a lot of positives here. Why is it that you have shorter showers when it's cold? Because you've got less hair to wash. So then it dries faster.

But don't you just... Oh, the drying gets you cold you cold oh yeah yeah i mean i just want to be in the shower forever oh man oh absolutely but once that water's off and once you pull the shower curtain across i don't know how nice you're no that's like the coldest feeling in the world yeah it's like being reborn it's disgusting i hate it i like being reborn. It's disgusting. I hate it. I hate being reborn. Such a, like if a really pissy Phoenix said that. That's what I imagine in my mind. God, I'm tired of this.

Everybody referring to me about their successes in life. Why do I have to rise from the ashes? Can't I just stay in the ashes? They're so warm. That university of phoenix's slogan can i just stay in the ashes yeah it's warm here it's what i know um but you you got a big haircut and you've also taken a fantastic. You got a big haircut. Yeah, I got a big haircut. Got a big haircut because you said it's dovetailing with something else. It's not just a big haircut.

It's also that you've gotten into what? It's true. I've gotten into directing, specifically like short content and commercials, which is so exciting and so much fun. That's so cool. Yeah. I'm so stoked about it yeah um you guys talked a lot when i was washing my hands pre-show yeah we did i didn't bother washing my hands so that's why i

i had time to spare i blocked the dog i got it yeah no i know absolutely you got to um but you're directing small small things short things like web web stuff i'm working on a short film right now and trying to do like really mini little things just to get a bunch of stuff out there um yeah it's really exciting and really fun uh and now that things are opening back up i can like consider doing shooting things inside, which is nice. Nice. Yeah. So you were shooting ads and stuff all outdoors.

Oh, no. For that stuff, it was like it was in and out. But I just mean for the little stuff where I beg people to be a part of it. Are these things that you you've written or is somebody handing you scripts or what? Are these things that you've written or is somebody handing you scripts or what? For the commercials, I've helped write a couple of them. Cool. Not all of them and with other people.

And then for the smaller stuff, yeah, usually things that I've written or conceived with other comedy people. So what are your big accounts? Sunny D, Frosted Flakes, Nike, Reebok. What's the one I want more than anything? Yeah. Is that what you asked? No,

but I do want to know what is the one. Well, yeah, I actually do want to know that now. Whoa. What do I want to do an ad for? I'd love to do an ad for like trees. Okay. Logging.

Encouraging logging from the loggers yeah yeah union trees who needs them yeah trees they're evil and you know what they'll walk and then they show a picture of the lord of the rings they'll walk into town and kill us if we don't cut them down to size i'm doing it pro bono i hate trees yeah yeah no i'd love i'd love to do something where like i don't know the other day i saw the other day i saw these squirrels chasing each other up a tree i just thought that's so funny i feel like you had to be there no i can picture two squirrels so you're directing.

Do you have one of those chairs? I have sat in one of those chairs. I kind of like to stand and then squat, kneel, and shove my face into the monitor. It helps my brain, the gears move forward. I'm making the sign of the international sign for someone that's losing their mind yeah losing their mind

yeah that's right well you don't have to be crazy to work here what? what? what else? yeah the

what have you shot are you allowed to say what things you shot for? um I have no idea I think I can well don't don't if you have no idea. I think I can. Well, don't, don't if you have no idea.

I don't want you to get in trouble. Did you, I know you co-wrote an episode of The Slowest Show. Did you direct it? Yes, Bita,

Jidaki, and I co-wrote and co-directed an episode of, co-wrote and co-directed an episode of The Slowest Show on CBC Gem,

which you should absolutely check out um we did the ice rink episode and it's really cool it was really fun it's one take and it's like 22 minutes long so it's a whole bunch of choreography involved as well how many times do you have to go through that because they always say if you've got the one shot it's like you got to rehearse it like 20 times to get it right we we cast it really well so we only had to do it like six times i think that's not total yeah it was also in an ice rink so people got pretty cold and tired but surely you had a bucket of hot chocolate or something like that a bucket just a loose bucket and a ladle and a ladle absolutely everybody everyone just

everyone just make your hand into like a scoop shape yeah you've got two yeah it's gonna be real it's gonna be real hot but so delicious yeah um when's the last time you had a hot chocolate yesterday really i love a hot chocolate blends has a great hot chocolate uh i got some for home to try making them at home but they're too thin oh oh you need you need some uh have you been putting water into them instead of milk i mean yeah that's probably what the problem really yeah Really? Yeah, okay. It's just not creamy. When it's water, it's so hot.

It feels like it's even hotter than coffee because you want to get in there. Yeah. It'll burn your lips and your tongue. We've got an espresso machine, and so it froths milk. And so we just put the chocolate powder right in there. Nice. Oh, my gosh. I have a fr put the chocolate powder right in there. Nice. Oh, my gosh. I have a frother. I am totally going to do that.

Froth it. I did not consider it. Froth up a milk with some of that, you know. You'll never have to leave home again. Oh, my gosh. I wish I would have known this a year and a half ago. Well, that's why you've got to follow Dave's blog. Well, it's more of an audio blog

it's me and my daughter Rick, Ricky, Roxy it's called Crazy Cat Radio but it's a sports show yeah I can't even remember the last time I think maybe last Christmas I maybe had a hot chocolate situation

but I also feel like peppermint was involved uh huh yeah people are up in arms there's no eggnog lattes at Starbucks this year is that true yeah supply chain supply chain that's right the nog farms are all fucked up yeah yeah what uh

I don't know I'm not gonna even worry about the supply chain whatever's in the store i'll just get yeah exactly it's like i don't know yeah you're out of malteasers but you got whoppers okay fine whoppers yeah i heard i heard things are gonna get bad but what am i gonna do about it yeah exactly complain um yeah and you know how many things am I ordering from the supply chain? Like, very few. Very few. I heard that, like, by December, it's going to be, like, hard to get stuff for your car.

Oh, shit. Oh, really? Yeah, so I got my car. I went and got service done on my car, and I said, put more stuff in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything that looks like it's going to run out, give me two of them. Oh, that's good to know. I have a whole bunch of stuff I've been putting off with the car.

Yeah. Yeah. Get that out. I don't know. It's going to be something I like, though, that's going to get just going to vanish forever. Mm hmm. Mango slices. Might be mango slices. Could be milk duds.

Could be. But you'll go for Maltesers. I will go Maltesers. Absolutely. And if Maltesers aren't available, I'll get Whoppers. If Whoppers aren't available, I'll get Coffee Crisp. If Coffee Crisp isn't available, I'll just go to the Mars Bar. If Mars Bars aren't available, I'll get like a, you know. You won't go Kit Kat after Coffee Crisp? No, you're right.

Kit Kat is the lexological step. Kit Kat. And then Twix, I guess, gets us back into the caramel game, then Mars bar. Oh, Dave, you told me about a chocolate bar once, and I tried it, and it was amazing. It was like Wonder Bar, or... Yeah,

Wonder Bar's good. Lombardo? No. No, not Lombardo. It's a pasta place. Yeah, Lombardo. I do like the idea of a bar that's called Lombardo. It's just a stick of pasta? Boy, I mean, I tell people about chocolate bars a lot. But I feel like Wonder Bar wouldn't be that hard for you to find.

Yeah, that's true. It was something that was a little more specific. It was like a coconut involved, that involved maybe no probably not the one i that it's hard to find around here is take five that i i will sing the praises of okay it wasn't that no i don't know that one it's got a pretzel in it what oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and chocolate yeah it's got five things chocolate peanuts peanut butter caramel pretzel whoa yeah

take five now if you're gonna direct a commercial for take five that's all the information we're gonna give you pitch now pitch us please

okay there's two squirrels fade in a woman stares out the window her shower was short because her hair is short oh my god the woman is me is your window very foggy uh yes but it's also really bad um it's the kind of window where sometimes when i put my coat on near the window it shakes the code or the window the wind and my head you can just disgust um

you know it and in the in the winter winter it will freeze with ice all along the inside i've never had that before there's a lot of mold yeah you know i i don't know what it's doing but it's uh there's it killed me yet my yeah not yet but yeah that's that's a bad what it's doing, but it hasn't killed me yet. Yeah, not yet. But yeah, that's a bad sign. Yeah, that's a bad one. Yeah. Probably not be a window that fogs up in a room without a shower going.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. uh whenever i had a place like that i use that plastic wrap that you like hair hair dryer like stick it on there and then it just keeps the heat in doesn't make the window any better but at least it keeps the heat in oh rame's got a million ideas you should go to his audio blog yeah go to my audio blog iguana radio what's the logo yeah what's the logo for it it's an iguana with sunglasses i'm talking on the phone into a microphone yeah the sign says on air above him is on air part of the name no but we need those words in the logo yeah people will know if we don't say on air um yeah But you know that plastic stuff?

Cheap and effective. So there you go. Yeah, but you know what? What happens if you need to open the window? You can't get it now. Supply chain. You can't? Well, you can't open the window.

That's right. Shit, the supply chain. God damn it. Oh, man. Maybe I'll tape something up. Yeah. I mean, that window opens. I don't want it to look like a killer lives here, though.

You know? I don't know. Well, okay. What would you tape up that would look like a killer lives here, though, you know? I don't know. Well, okay. What would you tape up that would look like a killer lives there? Like a few garbage bags. That's the first thing that came to my mind. Oh, no, no, no, no. Go with Graham's idea.

Yeah, go with the clear, especially in the winter. Just put it on for the winter. Oh, she probably doesn't have a hairdryer anymore, though. Oh, probably threw it out, right? Oh, I got bangs, buddy. I got a hair dryer. When I was getting my haircut, the guy was using this, like, circular comb that, like, he kept, like, twisting it like I have curls.

You do now. It was a good haircut. He's a good, he seems like a nice fellow. Was he chatty? he asked uh he asked you know where do you live how much money do you make yeah who's business what's your number uh no he asked where where did you used to get your haircut and i said used to i'm going back there my lady who usually cuts my hair, she needs two or three weeks notice, but.

I went to someone new too. Yeah. How was it? It was, oh my gosh, amazing. He did such an amazing job. Wasn't interested in talking, which is what I wanted. And then at one point I was like, what do you think about it being a little shorter?

He's like, I can't do it shorter because from this point on your hair grows up instead of down. Wow. Okay. And I realized that's something that I can't ask about. It's like a clock. I'll just understand that it works. Yeah. Yeah.

And you'll just have to tell your next hairdresser, don't do it so that it goes up and out. My guy literally, did we go to the same guy? Because he was like, if I cut it any shorter, it'll go up. It won't. Oh my gosh. Yeah. That's, oh, wow. We should check if we went to the same guy.

I don't think we did. I went to like a man, a man place. Oh, did they give you like a scotch or something like that like they offered me but i was like uh it was on my day off and i was like i just literally um like uh listerined my mouth yeah i don't put anything in there um yeah but like that's kind of that was a rage like a decade ago or something all the man yeah this was one of those kind of places and it was like uh oh he called me because he was going to be late he said uh uh can you come 15 minutes later and i was like geez you're already

late it's 11 in the morning i was drinking all this scotch and And so he's like, oh, since I made you wait, I'll give you like a little hot towel treatment. Nice. What's that? Well, I'd never had it before. He laid me on my back, put a hot towel, two hot towels on my face. So that you'd pee? Left my nose. He put my hand in warm water.

Drew a dick on your face. He left my nose open so I could breathe. And then I just heard him like, go into the bathroom for ten minutes. Should I close the door or are you cool with this? Glomp. Well, buddy, you left my nose open.

No, he's a good guy. Have you ever Christine, have you ever had like a bonus thing? Because I know there's like in the old times there was like these vibrating gloves that barbers would like rub on their client's head do they still do

that what i mean i this is my first time at a man manly uh hair haircut place in a long time but i think they still do it wow uh and i know you haven't had your haircut in a decade yeah let's say a decade conservatively uh do you get your beard trimmed or do you do that I trim it I do that myself oh wow yeah cause it's not like they're gonna charge me so much to trim it and I'm not gonna get any scotch out of it cause you know

you might well I might that's true I might get some scotch if they give you a straw yes yeah they wrap up everything but my mouth so that my straw can and then they take a dump for 10 minutes straight it could have been it could have been a long pee he could have masturbated yeah exactly it doesn't mean he was up to something gross but if you do you get when you go to the hairdresser do you get like the the shampoo you get that like massage yes i yeah i do and i i love it yeah this guy he made it

pretty cold but then i kind of thought what if this is good for like the follicles or something maybe he knows something i don't right uh but i just didn't say anything because i just didn't really want to talk i yeah. Yeah. Let it go. Would you ever cut your own hair? Is that insane? I can cut my own bank sometimes, but it's never as good. And then you go to them,

go to like someone to fix or like just the next time you go and they're like, Whoa, who did this? They can always tell. This is growing way up. Come on. This is reverse bangs.

You have. tell this is growing way up come on this is reverse bangs you have i hear that that's a dangerous that's a dangerous game is trimming your own bangs this i've got yes but you just have to put the scissors up instead of to the side and then it usually it usually can work pretty okay yeah i trim I trim my own bangs. I bang my own trim. Hey, man, come on. 20 to 2021, maybe. You even listen to Iguana Talk Radio. It's Iguana Talk Radio

where they exclusively talk about sex positions. No Iguanas will be mentioned. You're on the air. What position are you in right now? I'm reclined. On a rock? Yeah, and she's a million miles away i mean we're doing it but you can tell she's mentally she's not in it

um i watched a movie last night Called Jennifer's Body Do you remember this? Oh I like that movie Me too Megan Fox Is not Not Lindsay Lohan No

By Amanda Seyfried? Yeah And there's a scene I saw her once in a restaurant No that's pretty good With past guest Adam Lissagor And what did you guys do?

Did you cheers? We said We listened to her She was there She was shooting She might have been shooting That movie And what did you guys do? Did you cheers? We listened to her. She was there. She might have been shooting that movie. Did they shoot that here? She might have been shooting that movie.

And then we were, Adam and his parents were in town. And so I went to dinner with him and his parents. We were waiting for a table. with him and his parents. We were waiting for a table and Amanda, who we thought was Amanda Seyfried, we heard her assistant say, a table for Amanda Seyfried? Oh.

From then on, we were like, well, that's how you pronounce it. Yeah, Seyfried, wow. My anecdote has been lost in time. I'm sorry. You were watching Jennifer's body last night it's too late to explain please i need i i'm gonna feel bad there was a scene in it because you were saying about a woman being a million miles away during sex there's a scene in it where she's seeing a murder happen and she's screaming and the guy who's having sex

with her gives himself like a little grin like this is going it's going really well that's a i haven't seen that movie it's fun it's a lot of fun it's really weird did diablo cody direct that oh yeah she wrote it and no some another woman named katherine something directed it bigelow yeah katherine bigelow it was a bigelow diablo joint um uh you're a director now do you want to direct that movie absolutely do you want to go back in time and direct that yeah i would love to thank you so much for asking hey i'm happy to help yeah i know some people that like uh they're directing commercials like turned into like a solid full-time gig and it's just like weird industrial ads and all that kind of stuff like just like we're a real estate company make an ad for but not for tv just for clients to see and like that kind of thing

yeah that's cool i'm trying to um i think i'll probably specifically be doing comedy type ones sure hopefully so if they want a funny one call me up buddy have you used a drone yet oh i wish no i feel here though that getting a drone license is actually pretty easy i was i was thinking you need a license you need license to drone yes you do need one i've heard that's maybe just to drone professionally but like i've got a i've got a drone an in-house drone actually technically it belongs to my seven-year-old so it's she's unlicensed she's still droning no it's been a couple weeks since we droned but if i if i uh you know charge those batteries that we'd be droning any minute yeah does she like it like it? Yeah. It was,

and it's like so easy. The, this one we got anyway, it was, it's very intuitive. And even if you're not, even if you're like terrible with it and just like moving the controls around, it does not want to crash. Nice.

You wouldn't get a very, you know, don't hire my kids to get, you know, your dramatic closing shot for your film well she was the one that was put forward yeah my agent said i have to use her if i want yeah you do owe your agent a favor yeah because if i want uh david crosby in my commercial i have to use their drone guy. David Crosby's still alive.

Hey, I'm David Crosby from Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. In our house, we like vases with flowers. I don't know. I'm trying to think of their songs. But I think Graham Nash wrote that one. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know much of their stuff.

It's supposed to be great stuff, but you know what I mean? I got other things on my mind. You know, you probably know a few of them. Teach Your Children Well, isn't that one of theirs? Yep. Yeah. That one I know. You know Woodstock? Yeah, I remember them Woodstocking.

They were late at night and did like an acoustic set. Yeah, but they have a song called Woodstock. i don't think they sang that one in woodstock yeah they didn't sing it in woodstock they they they hadn't written it yet oh i see yes and i don't think was neil yeah i don't think neil young was there i think it was just no he was only there for a few minutes yeah and then he had to pee he wrote ohio and then he left nice nice good legacy um have you ever seen that movie christine woodstock the whole woodstock film no i haven't i did see the website for woodstock 99 that was still up oh sure i looked at that recently did you watch that documentary no i thought it would be pretty disturbing so i didn't watch it it's somewhat disturbing yeah yeah i mean sure i think at the time i just wanted happy garbage yeah oh

sure well they're only happy when it rains what is on the 99 site oh geez it's like a geocities site um and they just talk about the festival oh i wish i could pull it up right now oh i'll send it to you after um i don't remember a lot of it i just remember it's very old and very funny but i'll send it to you it is always fun when one of those things is still up like i think i heard people were mad when the new space jam came out because the old space jam website came down yes because that was unchanged. Yeah, there's also a comedy club either in Edmonton or Calgary that has that, you know,

with like the dancing Yeah, yeah! The little dancing guys, like a dancing cactus or something. My favorite old website thing is a little under construction sign. Yes! We'll put that on there. Never touch the website again.

If I can find this website i will send it to you guys because it's it's worth it it's so it's so that i love an old websites when they would have like the blog ring at the bottom so you could like maybe like check out these other blogs. Yeah, next random site. Yeah. Yeah. Discovering one feels like you've stumbled into treasure somehow. Oh, yeah. Buried in the deep sand of the internet. Yeah. Especially, have you ever, I do this all the time, like, I'll see a movie or something, and then I'll check to see if that movie.com is taken.

And most of the times it is not because they, yeah, you see, you like, I feel like that was a very early two thousands, late nineties thing of like, you would see a trailer and at the end they would put up the website for the trailer.

Yeah. And then you go to the website and you can watch the trailer. You got double trailered. So you've been working. You've been haircutting. What else has been going on in your life? What's, you know, give us an anecdote or two. I've gotten more into birds again here we go again recently yeah

when i was growing up my dad said that he was allergic to cats and dogs which was half of a lie he was not allergic to dogs but he just didn't want them and he couldn't be honest about it why is it like graham you're allergic to everything yeah so i guess maybe you're not the right person to ask but like as someone who's not allergic to anything uh i feel like cat and dog dander can't be that different i think cat dander is a bit worse if anything yeah it's like a saliva thing or yeah it's like i think it's the fact that they clean themselves with their tongues instead of a shower like the rest of us yeah um but yeah i think maybe dogs is less but i that's not based on any any science i'm not going to be quoted on that sure i refuse so do you bird watch did you

own birds i i so i i i used to own birds I grew up with a parrot named Torino, but then sometimes we would call it Torina because we weren't sure what the bird's gender was. And some of us like to believe it was a female parrot for some reason. Sure. Occasionally an egg would pop out of its cloaca. Exactly. an egg would pop out of its cloaca exactly you gotta give it up to the cloaca for its multi-functionality oh yeah yeah yeah like humans have like all these other procedures but and you know what humans have all these hang-ups too that's true birds are just like so free with their bodies but imagine the uti if you only had one hole yeah well imagine the i don't think they

have the urinary tract yeah yeah that's just one hole you know yeah whoa the ultimate it is the and their mom's barfing worms into it the ultimate guys having you know several holes is great but wow if you've been only one hole in it yeah oh it's the ultimate jennifer's cloaca that would be a very disturbing thing to see i think think. If you found out Megan Fox had a... Just a zoom in. Like that was the reveal. It's like, why did they choose to do that? What does that mean in this movie? That doesn't spring out of this plot line at all.

But just like it's five seconds of the entire movie. No one ever refers to it again. And it's like the director was like, I think what I'm seeing is this this cloaca i don't want anybody to talk about it i don't know i don't know it just feels like what's not necessary it's absolutely necessary okay let's try one let's try one with the cloaca yeah one for me one for you yeah the rest we could do it your way but just give me one cloaca shot you'll see in post but i had a lot of budgies too a lot of bad g's and how did you oh they all died you didn't have like a bunch at once i think the most i had at once was three but the parrot tarina she didn't know um obviously I was the ones that thought it was Serena

she didn't know she wasn't a budgie and birds will like clean each other's beaks with their beaks and clean each other's like feet so she would accidentally chew off the feet

and the beaks of the other of the budgies oh my god just cause she wanted to be close to someone I mean very sad that's tragic all around I know why the caged bird sings of the budgies. Just because she wanted to be close to someone. Very sad.

That's tragic all around. I know why the caged bird sings. And why it suddenly stopped singing. Yeah, because the horrific story you just told. One time I was burying one bird and then in the backyard.

The other bird was like, hey, can I get some of that? You're just going to throw that away? But I was burying one bird and trying to have a bit of ceremony with it. And then as I'm digging up the dirt in the backyard to bury it, I accidentally unburied another bird that had previously passed away.

Oh, wow. Did you bury them all? I didn't consider it at, wow. Did you bury them all? Which was a lot to consider at that age. Did you bury them all? Yeah. Like there was none. None. You were just like, oh, boy, this is too many.

I got to stop digging these holes. Yeah, exactly. Like the palaces from the shovel. The key is you want to pour lime on it, right? That's the key. Well, now you have like, you can put it in your yard waste yeah that's true i don't think i i feel like i'd still have to bury it there's just tell me so you said there was a little bit of ceremony to it would you say a few words would you yeah just like say a little

prayer yeah i would say a prayer and i would talk about them and then thank them for being part of my life and then dig the dirt and then put them in bury them back with the dirt and then thank them for being part of my life and then dig the dirt and then put them in bury them back with the dirt and then kind of like kiss my hand and then touch it on the dirt oh that's very sweet you just you didn't give them a little cardboard coffin or anything no didn't consider that just straight in the unmarked graves yeah um did you when's the last time you prayed when's the last time you said a little prayer i actually pray every night but i'm not sure who to oh well yeah sure i mean it doesn't have to be specific it could be i gotta tell you it's working yeah it could be you know

lee iacocca for all for all i care as long as you pray yeah i don't know i keep praying for better windows and they're not coming. That's not going to get there that way. You've got to pray for the landlord to fix the windows. You've got to pray and complain. What about you guys?

Pray? Have you ever prayed? Oh, for sure. When I was younger. When I was in my church days. When I was in my church days. Yeah. When I was in my church days? Oh, me and God were like this. Mostly I just said the Lord's Prayer and I was like, you know what I want. I think I also. I've done my bit.

Yeah. I'm out of here. Thank you. Thank you very much. I feel like I learned that you were supposed to do the lord's prayer from that metallica song like oh that's where i first heard it wasn't that there's like a sleep time one where it's like yeah but he says now i lay thee down to sleep i pray the lord my soul to keep if i die before i wake i pray the lord my soul to take that's not the lord's prayer oh okay that but

that's a sleepy one in case you die in your sleep. Hush, little baby. Don't say a word. But never mind that noise you heard. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. I always loved that in church. That part? Because you would hear all the S's? Yeah.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. It would just, like, ring out through the church. I'd freestyle. That was my, I just, like, either talk about my day, you know, hope that something good would happen to friends and family, you know. It's nice when you hear somebody, like, my grandmother would always say, like, I'm praying for you. I always thought that was a nice thing for somebody to always thought that was that was a nice thing yeah yeah it's a nice sentiment yeah have you ever had somebody pray on your behalf oh yeah i've had people say that before for sure and i've done it before who knows if it does any good well it can't do any bad unless you're keeping somebody up with them

yeah yeah oh boy i got so many prayers to do tonight. I was up all night praying for you and then I drove my car into... To a ditch. And I couldn't pick you up for your important appointment. Yeah. And when I drove into this ditch,

there was these budgies flying out everywhere. They probably weren't real. They were probably just guilt imagination stuff. But I don't know. I haven't slept in days. All I do is pray. Dave, did you ever bury a pet? No, I think, I don't know what became of our hamsters.

Our fish got flushed. Our dog went to live on a farm for real. And I think that's all we had. Yeah. So. And our last dog was incinerated. Yeah, I guess that's the way now. Right?

I mean, that's what I want to be done. Yeah. We say cremated i guess but uh yeah not just blasted off with fire or whatever you want however you say it unless like burned with like garbage i mean environmentally that is the way to do it but then do you enter the afterlife with a bunch of garbage around you or how is that the way to do it like i mean doesn't don't you uh offset a bunch of carbon oh i meant just doing a bunch of stuff like all at one time

like a pet oh you know tree stump or whatever just like burying burying someone or an animal or a person like i boy i don't i don't know about decomposition but don't they like give back to the don't they like compost out into the earth yeah are you releasing gases though yeah i mean but i'm doing that anyway yeah that's right i unfortunately have this cloaca that everybody sold it's gonna be so awesome yeah but don't worry about that. Just put these towels over your head for 10 minutes, and I'll go release gases. Does a bird fart? Does a bird fart?

That sounds like an interesting poem. Yes. Yeah. Does a bird fart? If a bird farts in the woods. Yeah, sure. If you give a bird a fart. Not.

So you don't have birds now? have, you don't have birds now? No, I don't have birds now, but I've been looking at them a lot. And I think it could be fun. I'm looking for like an offline activity. So I've started to like look at birds and then log them in a little log book. Cool. Lots of cool birds around here. And they're so funny.

They're so strange to me. Like, what are you doing here still i don't know that's what i think yeah they have all these fancy colors and uh you know wing all these funny wingspans and stuff what's the most interesting bird you've seen locally locally oh there's this really fucked up duck um you're on in the morning with fucked up duck this is a guano talk radio we only talk ducks and fucks yeah what sex position

and what duck have you seen yeah where's this duck oh my god that's so great it was at burnaby lake park um that's where i saw bjork oh really it was is that where they do concerts um there's a bull by there so that must be where they do it yeah but this is just like you just walk around and there's like a pier. There's lots of cool birds around there. Actually. I think there's a sanctuary or something, but there's these wild looking ducks.

I wish I knew their name. Maybe I'll look. Oh, okay. I'm using my bird book to hold up the microphone. So that's okay. Yeah. But it's really colorful with like a big boosh in the front.

And then like a little flip, like a big boosh in the front and then like a little flip, like a little flippy thing at the back. Um, and they, they're, they look very cool. They look like they have a lot of attitude.

Yeah. Ducks rule. Puffy face. Yeah. Well, they're on steroids. You think they got buff that fast? Naturally. It's because all the steroids we flush down

the toilet and then the ducks drink it yeah they book them for the eternals movie only like three months in advance yeah kumail and those ducks got buff really fast um yeah the uh bird watching like do you have do you got proper binoculars or is this just in plain sight i don't have proper binoculars yet they're on the list for me to get it if i keep doing this because i'm one of those people who start new stuff my birthday september 17th ah it's my daughter's birthday oh really yeah oh that's so cool what an honor um you're a virgo yeah um did you i was gonna buy you binoculars but i can't now it's too late yeah because he bought it for his daughter and she won't share um what uh boy uh would you even know what binoculars? How, like?

I'd Google it. You'd Google a binocular or you're not? I'd go on a Reddit forum for bird watchers and I'd ask, what binoculars do you recommend for someone that's new? Because I don't want to spend a whole lot of money. Because what if I enjoy this right now, but in six months I get busy and I don't think about it for two years. But you said that happens a lot where you like. Yeah.

What have you bought? I'll try something new. I was going to make headbands. Yeah. Well, now that you got short hair. My hair was too long. Yeah. I was going to make leather wallets from leather scraps.

Cool. Didn't work out because it's very loud to do. And I live on like middle floor of an apartment building all right you were down with your leather work what are you what are you tanning leather i guess you're not yeah what do you have an all and i was gonna make a quilt but it costs more i think to make a quilt than just buying one but isn't that the whole thing is that you're making it well first you need to watch how to make an American quilt. That's right.

That's the first step. Oh, yeah? What's that? It's a movie with Winona Ryder. Oh. Yeah. It could maybe get you back in the mood to make a quilt. That's true.

I don't think I've told this story in a few years, but when I was in like grade 10, I was maybe 15 or 16. I'll have to look up whatever year it came out. My dad and I went to see The Usual Suspects and my mother was like, oh, that'll be too scary for me. I'm going to go to the movie theater next door and I'll go to see how to make an American quilt. She went in and she sat there and she's like oh this movie was supposed to start 10 minutes ago oh well uh oh it's supposed to start 15 20 minutes ago oh oh okay it's finally starting she was in the wrong theater and she watched she was too scared to see the

usual suspects and she watched seven. Yes. Is there any way that yours was more violent than mine? I have a movie to accidentally watch. It's like that and Requiem for a Dream. I went to Tree of Life because I thought it was a nature documentary. And then I just kept waiting. I didn't know who directed it. I didn't know anything about it.

I went with my aunt and my brother and my sister. And we kept sitting there. And I kept being like, I guess this is a documentary that has some scenes in it and stuff. And I kept waiting. And then an hour and a half in, I was like, okay. This is not what I thought it was. What movie? What is it? and a half in i was like okay this is not what i thought it was what movie what is it it's a terence malick film that's like two and a half hours long at least i think and a very beautiful

uh non-linear yes and there's dinosaurs at one point that was a real that was the giveaway that it wasn't a documentary documentary um so you unless they interview these dinosaurs would you want to own a bird again no they shit like 40 times a day yes and it's kind of like and they cuss like a sailor i also don't know if i personally would feel comfortable owning a bird again, because I do feel like they need like the outside world and flying ground and stuff. Yeah. But if there was like a broken bird that needed at home, maybe I would consider it. Yeah.

Yeah. We took care of a guinea pig once and I was shocked at how much work it was. Oof. Yeah. Birds are not a lot of work. They just, they do make a lot of sound and you got to clean those things, the bottoms of those traps and stuff. Not traps,

bird cages. Pardon me. I think of it as a trap now. I think you trapped a bird. Cause they're flying around the home too. They're not just in there. Oh, that's true.

You got to let them out of the cage and just, I remember going to a girl's house that had a bunch of birds and they were flying around and i thought it was terrifying because i didn't want to get shit on and also i didn't want them to get disoriented and flare it in my eye something like that and it's not like a dog or a cat where you're like oh he he likes you it's like the bird will never like you especially you're this girl's bird yeah some of the birds did like us like one of the birds would sleep on my pillow sometimes what would they do sometimes one of the birds he was really smart he was a budgie and we taught him to say his name um which i didn't think was

what was the name well his name was jack um after jack and rose uh and we called him jackie boy and then he would say jackie boy wow it was amazing and he was really good friends with the parrot but then unfortunately the parrot they were like best friends unfortunately the parrot bit his beak in his paw or his loved him to death yeah exactly it's like lenny from of mice and men yeah exactly like that because the parrot was so sad when he died and we got to like we took him to the bat and we got a um a fish tank where we like filled it with stuff. And we tried to, we had to feed. If you've never fed a bird without a beak before, it's a very intense experience.

Easier than feeding a cat, but with like a syringe. With a syringe. Oh my God. It was pretty brutal. How long did the parrot live? the parrot lived for like 20 years i think yeah died of died of natural causes or did you your parents give it away or uh my dad accidentally stepped on it um and it's one of the only times i've heard him cry yeah no the bird was too tough for that yeah yeah he loved that bird the bird only loved him

pretty much so it was pretty sad but it it was just i don't for some reason it was on the ground and he's a really tall guy so he wasn't able to see it was very unfortunate yeah oh boy yeah tall guy loves the sky yeah yeah he's always looking up yeah that's when it rains he's gone to the big sky in the sky so there was a really tall guy in my high school that uh he was running for president of the school what is that yep student body president sure yeah and he's like my head isn't in the clouds it's above them and he almost won just for that just for that yeah they were like this is good this is good do you remember the tallest guy in your high school lance sugden oh yeah yeah yeah do you guys remember lance he was huge dave do you

boy i feel like the only guy i remember a tall guy his name was vuk vuk yeah vuk he was from eastern europe and i think lan sucks then was a mormon so he's also the tallest mormon i've ever met oh sure not me man i try to keep ranks of all the different uh religions that i've seen how height wise uh-huh you know what mormons are leading the way so yeah who's the tallest christian you've ever seen oh uh whoever that guy that's like out in front of ripley's believe it or not oh yes that guy with the glasses yeah i know that guy for me it was brian big country reed oh yeah yeah he's uh he's out in some place back in his uh homeland yeah back in oklahoma yeah just like hanging out on a farm yeah these farm people sounds pretty nice uh dave what's going on with

you man well i'm bird people personally yeah i love them i love the way they tweet i love the way they crow i love the way they preen i love the way they i don't know flap yeah they flap they preen they squawk trail nest they trail sure yeah i walk the dogs sometimes in the forest and i hear crazy bird noises like jackie boy yeah if you hear that tell me i'm still alive tell christine i'm sorry but that bear was gonna kill me i just needed a change how big is a budgie a budgie is about the size of a fist, I'd say. Okay, sure. So like my heart. Yeah.

Size of your heart. Or half of a brain hemisphere. What's going on with me is I went to the eye doctor today. Oh, yeah. And I got my new eyes. Oh, good. No, I went because I, it's been like three years since I went to the eye doctor but eye doctors don't care

it's not like the dentist where they're like come back in six months yeah yeah yeah eye doctor's like you know what when it happens it happens

take it easy keep it sleazy yeah my dentist was like actually you should come back in four months I was like well how about two years

you negotiate yeah well how about there's a pandemic and i won't see you for a long time because my mouth is where my germs are yeah yeah absolutely uh so i went to the eye doctor today mostly because uh i want to go uh to see movies yeah uh now that you know that's open yeah but i wear glasses uh and i want to be able to i've never had contact lenses so i was like i want to go get contact lenses so haircut contact lenses it's a glow up yeah that's right yeah big glow up guys and so i went to the eye doctor today and they were like okay can you stick around for well first of all the i was wearing a mask and they have like a little like plastic sheet

where the like eye thing goes over your over your eyes oh yeah where they're like have you had have you been to the eye doctor where they're like one or two yeah i've done the big glass thing that's yeah and then okay three or four uh but like it would fog up constantly right as i as i'm there so i'm like well four was not foggy but three i think was more crisp even though it was foggy i feel like i saw the numbers better or the letters yeah i feel like there's i'm trying to game the system where i'm like well maybe three was a little bit uh you know yeah maybe are you trying to like get a a bribe i'm just like well what's the perfect score? Yeah, maybe three would refresh my memory.

So I went and I did all that and I'm not sure I, but she said, oh, your eyes are like exactly the same as they were three years ago when you got your glasses. That's good. Maybe your right eye is a tiny bit whatever worse um and she was like okay but you want uh contact lenses well can you stick around for half an hour because it takes a while to teach people how to put in contact lenses yeah i was just gonna say like how the hell do you learn how to do that and so they they're like watch this video and then i'll bring you a pair and it's gonna be out of focus for you because we're taking away your glasses put those drops in your eyes and so i watched this video it was great i couldn't look away and then i went and uh they sat me down and they were like, okay.

Well, they put them in for me. It was just super weird. Yeah. Yeah. I've never been able to get over the mental jump of putting something so close to your eye. Oh, I am. Okay. So I did it.

And like they put them in and then they were like, okay, the way we do it is we get you to take them out. You practice taking them out and then you put them back in and then you wear them. Okay. It's hard to take out fresh ones. Are you a contact lenser? Yeah, since a teen. Oh, wow. It's hard when you put a fresh pair in and then you have to take them out because they kind of like, it's nice and cool when you pop them in.

But then it's, yeah, when you pop them in but then it's yeah sometimes impossible you do you ever wear glasses uh very rarely during now just because i ah i don't want them to fog up and yeah like your window you know what you have to you gotta ask especially yeah if you're looking through the the window and foggy glasses it's like you're not you're not going anywhere. But in general, without the mask, were your glasses fogging up? Oh, no, no. Without the mask, I would wear them, I'd say, like, two times a week, maybe, two days a week.

So I went there and they, yeah, I went there. He's not afraid. So I had to go and take them out and so they sat me down also there was like a trainee there who was like okay watch this guy take out his we're gonna hold we're gonna use it on our blooper video at christmas yeah this idiot yeah. We dropped them on the floor and they were like, okay, we take them out. And I was like,

okay, I, I did it. I can't tell. Like, it's so weird. The first time you get them, I guess anyway, it's such a weird feeling.

Like my whole vision is foggy from sticking a finger in my eye yes and your eyes all watery too yeah she told me like the correct technique to use what finger to to yank up my eyelashes with and where to like jam my middle finger and apparently you're not supposed to jam yeah don't jam it and they were like put jam this middle finger up your ass see how that feels like i actually think it's pretty cool um and so i uh yeah i got it in there eventually but they were like go gentler next time because you're gonna hurt yourself like i had no kind of like i wasn't grossed out about touching my own eye but i was like all right i'm in a hurry let's get this going they're like open your eye bigger and then just like go slower

let the uh let the uh lens just kind of like get sucked up into your eye yeah enjoy it don't rush what finger were they telling you to use for like the one putting it in uh i feel like it was well they said to use the middle finger the middle finger Shut up. What do you use? This one. The index. Yeah. Also, yeah, she was, so her English wasn't great, and she didn't know the names of all the fingers, so it was kind of hard for her to tell me.

Like, she would try to correct me, and then I could tell she was stopping because she was like, I don't know how to say the right thing. But she was like, use the middle finger and then pull the bottom part down with your ring finger. And then put it in with the middle finger. One-handed? One-handed? No, no, no.

Other hand pulling it up. Okay. And then use the middle finger to balance it on your middle finger and put it in. And then she was like, uh, your middle finger might be too big for your eye. Do your index. Yeah. Yeah. Also clean your hands.

My God. No. Yeah. We did it. We had to do that. Yeah. Wow. I think I've been doing it wrong.

Well, I can send you a video. I suppose to each their own. As long as it gets in your eye and then pops out easily. I mean, I don't know. Like, the whole day ever since, I feel like it's been... Like, when I need to read something across the room, it's crisp, but everything else is cloudy. Like, I always think that, like, like oh my eyebrow is there's like a hair loose in my peripheral vision hmm maybe you gotta get your eye dress shaved yeah

i might have put it on inside out or i feel like you'd feel it if it was inside out would i okay i don't know i don't know. I don't know. It really hurts. I mean, it feels bad regardless. Are you just so used to it by now, Christine? Yeah, I'm used to it. And then I, sometimes I get kind of lazy, but there are people who wear them overnight constantly and sleep in them.

And sleeping in them, when you wake up from sleeping with them on, sometimes they just like go right into the back of your head or something like that. I don't know. I guess they don't get sucked in, but they go to the back of the eye and then you have to like roll your eyes. Anyway, that's what I do. You ever sleep with them?

Just be really unimpressed. Only if I've like accidentally taken a nap and it's lasted longer than i expected all naps do though right i feel like that's something that you like you find out you're an alcoholic because you keep falling asleep with keep passing out with your contact lenses always have to wake up the whole same way rolling completely unimpressed with life and my decision yeah anyway so i i uh they had a thing a halloween candy i was gonna get a couple reese cups but i forgot couldn't figure out a big bowl of it there and i was like i'm gonna be the hero i'm gonna show up back at home with a reese cup abby's gonna

not want to renew our vows. Yeah, man. That's some freaky stuff. Putting on lenses. Don't know that I can do it. It doesn't bother me at all. I just don't think I'm very good at it and I never will be.

Oh, I feel like you'll get good. I just want to go to see movies. Yeah, without glasses. Yeah. I just want to go to see movies. Yeah. Without glasses. Yeah. Without them foggy glasses. I guess I could wear... I play hockey without my glasses.

And I mean, I don't think it'll make me any better to have contact lenses. No? I mean, my vision's not that bad. It's just like I'm so used to glasses. Are there any NHL players that wear glasses? On the ice. Oh, boy. And they never get in fights because they're like, hmm.

Yeah, you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses. So, yeah, that's me. I'm completely glowed up. Yeah, you look great. I feel like I look worse because the glasses kind of cover the big bags under my eyes. Yeah, you know, you just kind of have to put Preparation H on them like the rest of us. Oh, sure. Don't go to sleep with that Preparation H on there, boy, oh boy.

It'll, boop, go right into the back of your head. Shrink your brain, it will. Wake up with a couple of buttholes on your face what's going on with you graham well one of the things uh that i do you tease something before the show yeah i uh i went to our our stop podcasting yourself uh post office box and got some we got some nice correspondence and people out there who want to send us stuff there's going to be a brand new address

for you to enjoy okay I'll go back through all the old posts and change them is this the UPS store up the street no this is way way away oh why because I like going back to that neighborhood

and if i don't have it i never have an excuse to okay but uh we got a couple of letters uh we got first of all somebody that didn't put their name on it at all sent me a thing that i think you put in your car lighter thing and it picks up your phone so that it plays on the stereo. You were talking about how your new car has a tape player or something? No, CD.

But yeah, which is fine. That's great. But that's very nice that somebody sent me that. I'm going to have to give it a try and see if I can listen to the stuff that I wanted to find on CD. that's very nice that somebody sent me that. I'm going to have to give it a try and see if I can listen to, uh, the stuff that I wanted to find on CD and see. Yeah. You must be able to listen to dog talk radio.

Yes, yes, yes. Dog, the dog zone, the dog zone. Oh, you're in the dog zone. I was not invited to participate.

So what we got, I got, uh, we got a, a nice package from, uh eric eric with a k uh he sent it to the card guys um i thought you might enjoy my recent haul from the flea market hope you pull a rare one so he sent uh four packages of up upper 1990-91 collector cards. Ooh, damn. All in a package.

Now that's, right? That's some good swag right there. I'll open one of them, yeah. Oh, there's one that's kind of come apart, so I'll open this one. Come apart. Unboxing. Sounds like my wedding day. So there you go.

You see? And we're back to Iguana. Iguana Junketsu, the old come apart. So here we go. You see? And we're back to Iguana. Iguana Joggets, the old comic part. So here we go. Out of the package. This is the first one. Dave, do you recognize this guy? Is this Craig Muni?

Yeah. Well, I can read his name. But do you recognize him as a guy? Yeah, Craig Muni, I know him. What about this guy? Well, I mean, that's the Whalers team card. That's Ron Francis, the Ronnie franchise. Wow, nice work. Whoa. this guy that well i mean that's the uh whalers team card that's ron francis the runny franchise wow nice work oh is that baba senza i can't see yes it's baba senza i'm gonna block out the name

and see if you okay oh boy i don't know what is that don sweeney maybe it's a boston bruin yeah john carter i would have my second guess would have been Gary Galley John Carter of Mars how about that Dave Chazowski no Jeff Norton what do you have Jeff Norton well done okay here we got the

Bills Buffaloes Buffalo Sabres I can't see the number Pierre Turgeon it number Pierre Turgeon it's Pierre Turgeon that is correct that was the hardest one I think I'm a card guy I'm king of the card guys

this one boy I want to say it's Thomas Sandstrom yeah holy shit and his card has another guy's half

of his body yeah that's a bad picture that's a bad picture that's a stinkaroo card I was just looking up Thomas Sandstrom a few days ago

he was traded for Bernie Nichols okay couple more who's this it's a North Star yeah is it it's not Ulf Dahlen is it yes it is Couple more Who's this? It's a North Star Yeah Is it

It's not Ulf Dahlen Is it Yes it is Oh It is Okay Trust your gut Yeah I guess so

Okay there's only two left Two left Okay Okay This guy's for the Philadelphia Flyers Boy is that Rick Tockett? Yeah I can't believe you're getting This is amazing This does seem rehearsed Flyers. Boy, is that Rick Tockett? Yeah.

I can't believe you're getting... This is amazing. This does seem rehearsed. I'm doing very well. Yeah, okay. This is the last one. See if you can nail it. It's Boston Bruin. It's a wide shot.

Boy, is that Lyle Odeline? Nope. Not Lyle Odeline. Boy, is it Lyndon Byers? It's not Lyndon Byers. I don't know. It starts with a G. His first name Lyndon Byers? It's not Lyndon Byers. I don't know. Starts with a G, his first name. It's not Gary Galley.

No, it's Glenn Wesley. Oh, Glenn Wesley, one of the underrated defensemen in NHL history. Yeah, so there you go. You know all this stuff. These are real journeymen. These are near mint condition. They got the hologram on the back. They were in mint condition until you opened them.

Until I got my paws on them, that's true. And now you can enjoy them. Yeah, and you've got three more packs to go through. I do. Yeah, I'm going to send them over to you. Because he sent a package of Friday the 13th Jason Goes to Hell trading cards. Well, when you bring them over i have your max fun okay switcheroo yeah then so that's one thing and the other thing being the car thing and then this thing

is um i don't remember who the name is but they made a handmade qr code okay is it like and it says scan me please and i've tried so many times and it's so many different types of light I don't know if does it have to be like perfect for it to here I'll put it close I'm gonna scan it on my bad boy I don't think it'll do any better

I don't know I can't get anything Christine any luck nothing so you know what resend or you know I want to know I want to know where it goes

it's a hand drawn QR code it's a hand drawn QR code like a maniac would do yes it was signed

a maniac Alan maniac you're great yeah I if you're listening out there we

I really want to know what the QR code goes to. Sure. If it goes to an old Geocity site, all the better, I say. I used my, for only the second time today, I used my vaccine passport. Oh, yeah? Oh, nice. At the eye doctors?

No, the restaurant. Nice. What'd you have? Had French onion soup. Oh, nice. How was it? Yeah, really, it was very umami. Yes, yeah.

Have you ever had one of those soups where they bake the thing on top of a cup? Like they give you the cup and it has a pie kind of thing on top? Oh, yeah, like a cheese or something on top yeah it's french onion soup fuck so good so good you get the and you gotta then you the cheese sticks to the spoon so you gotta suck on the spoon a little bit more you know it's good for you um uh the other thing that happened this week is i

the day after Halloween, I like to see if I can score some discount candy. None to be had. Yeah. It was, it was slim pickings even the day before Halloween. Yeah. Like they, by the time I got there, like at 10 o'clock in the morning, all of the candy had been taken out and it was all Christmas.

I bought a bunch of, I bought a bunch of Halloween candy two days before Halloween. And then Abby was going grocery shopping and I told her like, buy a little extra just cause I think, I think we might run low. And she was like, they had nothing. Yeah. She's a Twizzlers supply chain.

Oh, supply chain. Totally. Um, but, uh, I went the day after Halloweenlloween to the spirit halloween store what did they have on discount well they would have just stuff that they were just trying to offload

for like 25 or 50 off it was the most depressing i'll never do it again it was the most depressing thing to go in one of those after everything's been taking off the wall because it's just an abandoned store yeah and they had like two shelves or three shelves of stuff that that was on sale and none of it was any good but it was so depressing and then when i was walking out the door the woman said see you next year oh gross oh whoa you're how do they know they won't get a permanent tenant in that building i know but she's just like you'll be back to spirit of halloween i'll be here waiting for you so if you come in once after what were you you did you dress up for halloween graham yeah what were you i was i saw a picture i was a um costume superhero that I called the Bolt.

So a new thing you invented. A new thing I invented. So the costume is exactly right, as far as anybody knows. Did you do anything for Halloween, Christine? No. No, I worked for a bit. I didn't dress up. Not your thing?

Well, I had this haircut, and I was like like maybe I'm like Mia from Pulp Fiction before it all went bad like the day before the movie for some reason yeah why not that's a good costume

yeah if anyone confronted me about it what about you Dave I just handed out candy yeah that's fun that's fun

that's awesome I went to the children's hospital I mean I go to the children's hospital. I mean, I go to the children's hospital. I dress up as my character. The Bolt? The kids love it.

The Bolt. Dave from Stop Podcasting, yourself. Kids love it. They love the podcast. Yeah, yeah. Kids love this. I go to the children's hospital. I hand out candy.

I do selfies. Yeah, that's nice. That's fun. They're upset. There are people who are like, Oh, I thought you were Chris Pratt. We did put in an order for Chris Pratt.

Yeah. Well, I, I mean, I called ahead and said, Hey, what would you be cool if Chris Pratt came by today? Yeah.

And like, do they go down the line when they're like, okay, Chris Pratt is the one that they want, but we're going to go down the line of Chris's until we hit somebody like Chris Catan or somebody that, yeah, we'll take the guy from Shazam.

Yeah. Um, uh, well, I think it's high time that we moved on to some overheards. Ready for that? Yeah. Hmm.

Hi, it's me, Dave Hill from before here to tell you about my brand new show on Herds. Ready for that? Yeah. Mmm. futuristic program from the future. If you like delightful conversation with incredible guests, technical difficulties, and actual phone calls from real-life listeners, you've just hit a street called easy. I'm also joined by my incredible co-host, the boy criminal, Chris Gersbeck. Say hi, Chris. Hey, Dave. It's really great to... That's enough, Chris. And New Jersey chicken rancher, Des. Say hi, Des. Hey, Dave.

The Dave Hill Good Time Hour. Brand new episodes every Friday on Maximum Fun. Plus, the show's not even an hour. It's 90 minutes. Take that, stupid rules. We nailed it. Overheard. Overheard's a segment where if you hear something or see something,

say something to us because we want to hear them you can send in your overheards to spy at maximum fun.org and we always like to start with the guest christine would you please lead the charge absolutely okay so recently um i was in summerland bc which is uh in Okanagan, which is sort of in the interior of the province. So it's drier up there. There's mountains and stuff. And it's a small town. And so I always like to look at the Summerland Review, which is the newspaper up there when I'm there.

And the front page, like the first main story on the front page was skeleton family has skeleton baby and it was it was a huge during halloween time yeah it was a huge photo of like a two skeletons with a little baby skeleton that i mean honestly kind of looked like it was on an autopsy table mean honestly kind of looked like it was on an autopsy table and then an article about it and it's just like they bought another one wow it was amazing oh yeah breaking front page in the summerland news summerland review i love it summer Where are you? Yeah, you're not from Summerland. You're from Burnaby. No, I'm from Burnaby, yeah. What? Summerland, Peachland. There's a lot of people just.

Yeah. Well, I mean, but in terms of naming places, cool places. Yeah. Summerland's a cool name. I feel like there was an Everclear song called Summerland. Was it about fruit trees? No, it was about just a place on a map. That's pretty much what it is.

Yeah. That sounds like it counts. Look, I don't want to get into it. I don't want to re-litigate Everclear. I don't want to speak for them. Dave, do you have an overheard? Yeah, okay. This was on Halloween. So I was walking my dog. We give him a walk in the morning and a walk in the afternoon.

Lucky dog. Yeah, well, he's got a lot of energy. I want to get him into Frisbee. Yes, yes. Ultimate, not golf. But I was walking him on Halloween day and there were these, boy, it seemed like Halloween was starting early. Yeah. And it was like four o'clock and it seemed like there were kids trick-or-treating and I was like, uh-oh, I got to get home.

Yeah. This is, yeah. Like, I don't know if there's like a time of day when Halloween starts, but for, it's dark. Yeah. Sunset. It's not like that scene in E.T. where everyone's trick-or-treating at four in the afternoon. That's right. And that's California, too. It's going to be sunny. I think it goes down earlier

in California. But you know what I mean? It's almost never sunny on Halloween. I feel like it's always raining and gray. Here? Yeah. Oh, for sure for sure not this year this year was a perfect halloween it was you know what it was frankly a little bit cold it was yeah it was a little bit chilly but my kids were like i i'm too cold i gotta get back inside well that's what trick-or-treating is all about. My hands are too cold from holding this bag of candy. Delicious treat. Anyway, I'm walking the dog at like 4.30,

and there's these teenagers in front of me, and they look over, and they're not in costume. They're just teenagers hanging out. Right. And they look over, and they see a house where they've got just kind of a scarecrow outside and a bowl full of candy. Yeah, classic setup. And so this family, whoever lives there is like, we're

semi-doing Halloween. We're putting out a bowl. Right. And so these teenagers, there's two boys, two girls, and the girls start being like, oh, let's go pick up this candy. And the boys are very nervous. They're like, but we can't. And one of the boys says, you don't have a costume. And the girl says, I'm a robber nice nice really good like uh-oh you're hanging out with bad girls they live fast and die oh man that is that is movie quality

dialogue that is really really good yeah also that the guys were nervous is very i mean i really saw myself in those boys um man that's so good it's so good halloween is plentiful when it comes to the things to see in here but also like you could show up at my house in just your street clothes and i would give you candy well you had when i walked past your house it was the candy was in bowl form just like yeah whatever you want after seven o'clock it really dies down on this edge of the neighborhood the neighborhood goes crazy we live in a like i took margo out and it was it was like a street party it was like yeah we like had to like walk around people yeah it's uh it's the best time of year you know i mean yeah it's uh food network does a bunch of uh halloween baking

programming it's great sure um uh what's uh do you have an over i do but before i say it i want to say that the person who made their handmade QR code is Christian M I found the envelope I think he knows who he is no but it's nice to say his name give him a little recognition it looked really cool it did it looked really cool

but you know what try try again that's what I say my overseen is also from Halloween some of the favorite things i saw teens putting a giant firework in a garbage can closing the lid and then exploding and knocking the lid open that was great oh yeah like they banned fireworks in the city yeah and uh it didn't work it didn't work everybody still has them from last year yeah well i think also they're for sale in burnaby yeah and also like i think

they are it's big in burnaby and like you have to ban them in every municipality and it's like the cops were like we didn't we didn't patrol it because why would we we're actually fighting some pretty serious crimes on halloween also we're all bastards yeah we're all bastards. Yeah, we're all sons of bitches. But they, I will say that as terrible as it was on Halloween night, like the week leading up, I didn't hear a single firecracker. No, no. I think it was like, it worked and it was still fun because people still got to set them off in a garbage can. Yeah, let them have Halloween night.

And there was a family that were letting off like a ton of fireworks and one of them tipped over so the fireworks just went along the grass so that was awesome but the weirdest sight on halloween was a woman in front of her house raking leaves at eight o'clock in the evening oh no sure was she dressed up at least no she just was like well this is as good a time as any to start raking my leaves it's not raining it's yeah it's not really like the only break from the rain for two weeks yeah there's lots of ghosts and goblins around uh yesterday i literally i ordered these uh peony bulbs What is that? Oh, peonies Peonies are like little flower bushes

And they arrived In a rainstorm And yesterday we had like two hours where it didn't rain So I was like furiously digging Wow, they must have got a good drink Today Oh boy, I tell you. Yeah.

What am I supposed to do? Nothing. Throw sand on it. The opposite of wet. Yeah, sure. I salted them. There was this one decoration. So when I was up in Summerland, there was this one decoration on this.

So when I was up in Summerland, there was this one decoration on this. So this family's yard is like one of those yards that has a whole bunch of stuff on it anyway. So it's kind of hard to discern what was the decoration and what was not. They had trash bags of stuff, but also trash bags that had like a smiley face or like a pumpkin face on them and stuff. And so then they had this like dead bride, I guess. a smiley face or like a pumpkin face on top of it. And, um, and so then they had this like dead bride, I guess, um,

animatronic dead bride. And she would kind of be holding her waist sort of, and moving from side to side. I've got diarrhea. Heartburn. My IBS is acting up. And I don't have any nexium um nexium is that what the thing is for it i don't know i think that's a sex cult well she could have been part of that was very spooky she um but they had like an audio track that sounded very strange.

Like it was made, I know they probably didn't record it themselves, but it kind of sounded like it. And they played it 24-7 and they put a little fake graveyard behind her and then they kind of lit her up a little bit. But if you're walking the dog late at night and you just walk by, all you is is this voice going is my dress on straight does it look okay am i looking good i'm so tired i'm so scared and lonely and so it was like so scary a one to two minute clip played 24 7 oh wow it was one of the scariest things i've ever seen yeah and i know kids live there because i found a cat once and i saw the kids in the basement and then a guy opened the window and i was like is this your cat and he went i don't know i don't live here and then he turned to the kids and he went is this your cat and the kids went yeah i guess it is and he brought it in all right it's about democracy at work how often do you go

to summerland christine i would say maybe twice a year nice is it a family home uh well my partner's family lives up there you have a partner yeah yeah she started a law firm. We talked about it in the episode. I forget. I'm director of the law firm. But only funny cases. I'm suing this guy for... I'd love to represent a tree. I honked a horn up my butt and I want damages. Now we also have Overheard sent in to us

By email If you want to send one in SPY at MaximumFun.org This one comes from Eric in Montana Hi Eric Coincidentally I live next door To a house with an oversized backyard That accommodates various junky cars

So this is similar to your Summerland situation. This past summer, I noticed the youngest occupant, a man in his 20s, with a girlfriend, driving a vintage Ford Ranger pickup. As they backed it in, the two were conversing loudly, somewhat irritably, and he had to come to possess the pickup. I'm not sure what's happening. Which evidently was a gift form and sold very cheaply as is by a shady relative. So this guy got a cheapo car from a old relative or young relative. I didn't catch all the first part of the argument, but it ended like this.

Girlfriend, you got cocaine all over my sweater, man. That's why I wanted to take it to the car wash. So there you go. The sweater? Yeah, it was cocaine on her sweater, but I assume she thought she got it from the cocaine that was all over the car.

And so he wanted to get it. The outside of the car? Yeah, that's where it falls apart, right? Well, car washes, I mean, depending where you go, you can get a token to the inside of the vacuum. Get a vacuum, right. Very satisfying. Very satisfying.

Probably the most satisfying vacuuming you'll ever do in your life. Certainly not at home, I can tell you that. Boy. Like, nothing looks any better after a vacuum. I mean, at home? Yeah, it's just like a placebo just like moving around a carpet is your carpet like thick enough that at least you get like the the marks from like where the vacuum went no i don't i have only it's hard hardwood floor so i don't see anything oh yeah

you got any rugs yeah rugs yeah but uh you know uh they're just on their own accord i'm not going to take them outside and beat them you got drug rugs yeah i got drug rugs absolutely which is like i think a poncho oh can you imagine the like rug from a coke like a coke dealer's house and probably that's an expensive rug i thought you could sell that rug for... Hey, this is a Coke rug. Yeah, this was from Pablo Escobar's house, so you know it's covered in Coke. There'd be no food in that. Yeah.

No dog urine. This next one comes from Jacob G. in Alpena, Michigan. Wow. This is during Sunday Mass. Where are you going, Prue? Oh, we were justena, Michigan. Wow. This is during Sunday Mass, where you go and pray. Oh, we were just talking about praying. Yeah. I was bored out of my mind, as

kids tend to be in church. And I was super thirsty. I whispered to my mom. This is from this guy's childhood. I whispered to my mom, Mom, do you have something to drink? I'm so thirsty. All I have to drink is my spit i've been there bud absolutely this past tuesday i drank my spit and a lot of like hair products

a lot of vidal so soon let's sweat it onto my mouth i always thought when i was a kid that Vidal Sassoon was just a crazy, silly, made-up word. I didn't realize it was a person's name. Oh, what was he? What was the slogan? Oh, no. Alberto was, ooh, Alberto, you do have style. Ooh.

I don't know if Vidal Sassoon had anything. I know John Frito was something about hot oil. No, VO5 was hot oil. John Frito was frizzies. Frizzies, yeah. Whoa. Vidal Sassoon was mousses,

hairsprays, gels. Yeah, here's what I got memorized. Early 90s hockey players had early 90s hair treatments. This last one comes from andrea h from long beach california overheard my blue cheese loving four-year-old tell her younger sister what an intro absolutely yeah you blue cheese loving four-year-old uh my blue cheese loving four-year-old tell her younger sister try it it's good it has blueberries in it oh way to trick a sibling or maybe she that maybe she thinks that's what it is that

tastes so good maybe she does yeah it's so Is it? But it's made out of mold. Yeah. It's got blue in it. Yeah. It's got blue. I got a blue house with a blue window. Blue is the color of all that I wear. That was the Vidal Sassoon jingle, if anybody's wondering.

Dave, do you have some overheards you would like to share? If you want to call us with an overheard, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1.

Like these people have. Let's just leave this place go to Summerland nice just to claim on the map sounds like heaven to me Summerland getting a big shout out big shout out from Art Alexakis

from Everclear from the album Sparkle and Fade alright phone calls for realsies Nice. Thanks, Mark. Sparkle and fade. All right. Phone calls for realsies. Here we go, Zs. Sam, hey.

Oh, I think I overdid the beep there. Hey, Dave. Hey, Graham. Hey, guest. This is Sam from Boston calling in with an overheard. I was at the grocery store in which I work and I saw some women browsing the peanut butter nearby and one of them said, if only I had a way

to cut an apple. Anyway, thanks. Nearly impossible as far as I know. There is something very satisfying about like in a western or something that the way that a guy like cuts an apple in half and then

eats it that's pretty are you allergic to both peanut butter and raw apple yes yeah you don't know the joy i don't know yeah i don't know the uh what is that like a really good combo that's good it's a you know it's very healthy yeah way to get your calories in. That's, yeah. In the new Bond movie, he like does the, he carves an apple. Like he does a twisty carve. Yeah. And he does an excellent job. Yeah. He's James Bond.

Nobody beats him. Well, they had an, like they, that movie was supposed to come out a year and a half ago. They had a whole 18 months to shoot him cutting up an apple. I think it would be good if he cut up like one of those old people faces like i made like an old person have you have your daughters done the apple apple drying out thing no it's a rite of passage everybody i never did it you never did it no apple drying you do you like take a apple you take off all the skin and then you put like eyes in it and a mouth in it and kind of like sculpt it a little bit and then it dries it looks like an old person whoa i never did that well you know what there's still time there's

still time right now and i will do it grant yeah yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your favorite? What apple do you buy when you go to the store? I like, I'm going to say like, what's that? Fuji. I like a Fuji apple. Oh, but I like a Macintosh too. I like the Christmas.

Yeah, Macintosh. Sure, yeah. Merry Christmas. What about you? I'm an ambrosia guy. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've had all the apples but oh yeah Graham

you eat them you can have an apple pie I can have an apple pie absolutely but not if Jason Biggs around because then I don't want none yeah you better get it in your mouth

real quick before you know it's going to be raw when he's around yeah yeah yeah alright here's your next phone call hey Dave and Graham impossible guests I'm calling with an

overheard from Brooklyn New York I was passing two maybe nine year old kids hanging out and one of them said what do you want to do now and the other one said I don't know it's too early in life to decide. Thanks. Bye.

We got time, man. Let's not rush into this. Let's let our parents decide what we do next. It is fun to put off deciding on something. That is always like, if you're like, I don't have to do it.

We'll wait until tomorrow. And tomorrow comes, there's always another tomorrow. What do you want to do next i don't know i waited all day yesterday to figure out what i wanted to say one of the best things about being a kid is you don't have to worry about anything really aside from your home life yeah exactly and having fun having fun but also bullies you know i mean when you're a kid yeah that's bullies have made their decision to be bullies yeah they come in all shapes and sizes they do yeah they i'm as a parent i'm learning that a lot of the bullies don't really decide to be bullies right yeah they're kind of uh they just need help. They need a little extra help. Yeah. And also, you know what?

Bullies are just scared is what they told me. But that never proved to be true. They were very brave. They were, yeah. My bullies, I didn't have any, no one singled me out. I wasn't like bullied regularly by a guy. Yeah. Like there was just a guy who was just like, I'm going to punch everyone in the upper arm.

It's the only power I have. Yeah. All right. Your final phone call guys. Hey everybody. It's Russell from Anchorage, Alaska with an overheard. I was walking my dog taco and we were stopped.

So she could smell something and probably pee on it and a random guy walking by uh evoking katie perry kind of looked at us and said sniff sniff this well off i go do you know that song no but i like that that it's a quote from a song said to a dog that's pretty good. It's Swish Swish Bish by Katy Perry. Katy Perry. You don't know Swish Swish Bish? No, I know California Girls. I know Friday Night.

I used to it. Funny my name keeps coming at your mouth. Cause I stay with it. Swish Swish Bish. Oh wow, this is a real i like this yeah that sounds like a really like high school dance song it's really good it's the video has terry cruz and molly shannon and backpack kid uh she was on snl uh with a bunch of i think i feel like it was SNL with a bunch of, I feel like it was Backpack Kid and a bunch of drag queens.

I mean, the video, the song is four minutes long. The video is like eight. I got eight minutes. Display it twice. If you liked Space Jam, you'll love the Swish Swish video. Yes, I do.

I'll send you guys the link to this comedy club's website because it is out of this world that it's still the way it is oh Castanet is like that too sorry Castanet which is like the news up in the Okanagan is like that too

their website looks fake yeah it's great you know what my favorite news source of news is the coffee dues the coffee news like when you go to like a coffee shop and they just have like a uh two-page newspaper that's got a bunch of riddles on it and there was in the classified thing on the back was the somebody wanted to sell the business and the business was coffee news. They were trying to offload coffee news on somebody. I've had enough of the rat race.

Yeah. Well, Christina, that brings us to the end of this here podcast. Thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you so much for having me on the show. So much fun. Come by later and help me take my contact lenses out.

It would be an honor, Dave. Or I have to go back in a week and get my... They didn't have dailies in my prescription, so they only gave me monthlies. So at the end of the month. This time next month

or at the end of this month? Well, you take them out every day. I take them out every day. I don't have to wear them every day, but they won't last more than a month month my doctor told me that you can wear them for two months but he wasn't an eye doctor yes but he was a veterinarian that's what i do yeah i was trying to get oh no what uh where can people find the things that you're working on i mean the the slow show is on jam yeah slowest show is on jam and uh you can check out uh on instagram at the only

bortolin b-o-r-t-o-l-i-n i have like a bunch of the shows that I am doing up on there. And then kiddofilms.ca. Pretty soon I'm going to have a director's page up there. So check it out. That's it. Nice. Well, congratulations on all your good stuff that's happening. That's great. Thanks.

You too. And Dave, congrats on this new haircut and these new eyes yeah it looks good yeah yeah thanks looks great i'm um i i i feel like i've lost 10 years by taking out the glasses and dying my beard um and all you people out there thank you so much for listening uh you know what if you had a really drastic haircut, here's a photo. Oh, Graham, don't you both have live shows coming up at the Little Mountain Gallery? Oh, shit. Yeah.

On the 17th of November. No, sorry, the 19th of November. I'm doing probably the last ever Ring-a-Ding-Dong Dandy, certainly at Little Mountain Gallery, because that is shutting down. But you have a show as well, right, Christy? Yeah, November 13th, where I'm doing the show Hell Night with Gordman and Aaron. Unfortunately, it's sold out online, but you can still, we're going to have a couple tickets at the door if you want to come by.

It's possibly the last, I mean, it's definitely the last one, most likely, that we're going to want to come by. It's possibly the last. I mean, it's definitely the last one. Most likely that we're going to do. It's so funny. It is so funny. It's a lot of fun. It's the greatest. It's you are Gortman, a crazy alien who lives with Aaron Reid.

And when I saw it, you you had like an allergic reaction to some glue that you had to put in there. I went to the pharmacy to get you something. You were very nice about it you got me some like cough drops because immediately before the show i decided over the mouth hole to make it more real i would take super glue inside of this full head latex mask and i would inside the mask super glue a part of a nylon stocking over it and then immediately put it on and i like for the first half of the show i huffed that gas and then i think you were like take it off and i was like but the show won't be as good and you're like the show will be just as good yeah if not better yeah as we don't have to watch you perish on stage oh i do a podcast uh dating tips and tricks and expert love advice

almost forgot check that out nice you're doing a lot of stuff getting out there doing it yeah Oh, I do a podcast, Dating Tips and Tricks and Expert Love Advice. Almost forgot. Check that out. Nice. You're doing a lot of stuff. What? You're out there doing it. Yeah. Thank you all of you out there for listening.

Like I said, if you've got a nice new haircut and it's like big cut for you, send us a photo. I'd like to see. I'd like to see what you're up to. And take care of one another and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported