Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 738 - Aaron Read

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

Comedian Aaron Read returns to talk laundry, corn nuts, and The Mask.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka, and he's Graham Clark, and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 738 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who wants to thank you all very much for your generosity and your good spirit this past MaxFunDrive, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yes, thank you all. Graham also wants to thank you for your generosity. I would. But I want to thank you more more you guys are keeping us in business

you're keeping you know rotisserie chicken makers spinning and that's really that's Dave's side gig is rotisserie chicken well I mean it takes a lot of power to you know rotisserate those things spin is the word I'm looking for

rotisserie yeah that voice you hear that's our guest today very funny comedian stand up and improv and musician man Aaron Reid everybody hello universe yeah

we're big on Saturn we're big in what other places do we get lots of message from alpha centauri yeah alpha centauri amos uh alpha centauri spelling those aliens that heard that beatles record they're like what is this i don't yeah we don't like this we like well we like you. We like Ja Rule. Send Ja Rule. One of the records they put in that time capsule is a Ja Rule. What did they put in that time capsule? It was... A voice of a baby saying, I love you, mommy.

I love you. A fart in a jar. A fart in a jar. The theme song to captain kangaroo and finally the entire first half of scarface on laserdisc i don't know isn't it like louis armstrong or something or like johnny be good or something in that i think it was like all the pop golden pop hits or something like that do they have like mozart i think so yeah yeah like hopefully mozart and not wagner hopefully they didn't put a fucking nazi in the

shit you know in the spacecraft i didn't really gave up on that sentence hopefully they put a nazi in this shit um boy what would be like like a dandelion with a freaking pressed flower? Ooh, that'd be nice. That would be nice. Between two pages. Like a little stained glass hummingbird. Just a bunch of stuff from Value Village. Sure.

An old coffee maker. Ice cream tray. Bowling trophy. Radio that only works when you tried it out in the store And when you get home it does not work anymore Yeah dried out snow globe These are some of the greats The last time I bought a radio at Valley Village It was because in our old shed

There were raccoons living in there And that's how you get rid of them You just have talk radio on all the time Really? Unless it's Dr. Laura In which case they sit there just loving it With their paws under their chins But we now have Yeah Unless it's Dr. Laura In which case They sit there just Yeah they're like Oh yeah I am my kid's mom With their paws

Under their chins But we now have Because of the house Being built next to us Has scaffolding around it Now raccoons can get Onto the patio Outside our bedroom

They can climb up To the second floor Of our house And so this morning We woke up And we have like A little couch out there And all the cushions Of the couch Had been unzipped and all the stuffing had been taken out.

They were on a quest. They're building their own pillow somewhere else. Did they find all the bologna slices you're hiding from your family, Dave? Yeah, I don't know what they're looking for. You got to get a fake man. Should we get to know us? Yeah, absolutely. you gotta get a fake man should we get to know us yeah absolutely get to know us yeah move on get a fake no i want to hear about you gotta get a fake

talk radio i think for your patio you need a fake man who's grilling so always have something on the barbecue and just get a fake mannequin who's like a scarecrow and then maybe tape the radio to him and put the talk radio on there yeah i'll turn it to the uh how do you like your steak channel yeah yeah all all 24 hours all dead all steak all sizzle 102.4 the sizzle yeah it says things like uh oh how do you like that sizzle oh you smell that and why are you in the other room it's getting cold yeah yeah this is a good cut this is get me a new one get me a new beer ah yes that's vintage dad get me a new beer get me a new beer i want a new beer when the moat will be drunk when the won't make me crash my car because i got a little

too drunk won't be attacked by a raccoon or a skunk um good do you see these raccoons or do they just leave i've seen them once i saw them like one night i was in my uh room stretching very important so my uh the head was down on the ground because i was stretching on the ground it does nothing with nothing weird and but like i was i came eye to eye with it oh yeah and were you both like don't tell it's a little it put his little hand on the window. Did it really? Yeah. And I let it in and married it. I thought when you were talking about the couch that you would have seen them doing it on the couch.

That's what I assumed it was leading towards. Could not, dude. Aaron, thank you so much for being a guest on the podcast again we love it thanks for having me um recently if i unless i've heard wrong you moved into a place all your own europe i did nice basement suite all to myself do you like it i love it yeah i've never lived by myself before I'm 33 so I'm a bit late to the game but um I gotta say I love it it's a lot easier to descend into your

own disgusting mind but and Matt and you know so sometimes it gets a bit dirty and weird in here but no one comes here so it's no one never knows you know I feel like a lot of hoarding stories start that like yeah newspapers here no one's gonna see this yeah it's the golden age of the hoarding

story this is the only part of the hoarding story that's like cool and positive yeah you're like yeah i got my own place lots of room to cram stuff in if i have to i've got my eye on about 300 different things out there. Um, so Vancouver, the, like the real estate is so crazy here. You get, it's got a, you know, it's hoarding is a luxury.

Yeah. Oh yeah. You kidding me? You got space to hoard. Yeah. That's one of the things they say in the ad. Plenty of space to hoard. Yeah.

And I think that's a good thing to say hoarders too. I don't think that's, uh, okay. So what I'm doing is good. Okay. Yeah, it's good. It's only $880 a month, which is kind of crazy.

It's like almost a one-bedroom, almost a... It's like a bachelor one-bedroom kind of. It's like a kitchen that's pretty big, and then a furnace right behind me, and then my bedroom. So there's no laundry, so I do my laundry in a bucket. kitchen that's pretty big and then a furnace right behind me and then and then my bedroom so um there's no laundry so i do my laundry in a bucket there is a laundromat just down the street which i can use but i'm worried it's expensive but i've heard it's cheap but i there's something has happened in my mind where i will i can't go out and do it so i've been doing my laundry in a bucket and like moving it around with like a broomstick or something no so i well i did want

to get a big stick for it because i would just to turn it yeah yeah but right now what i do is i basically take off all my clothes and i kind of squat in the tub and i have a bucket of laundry and i i kind of like mimic the motions of a laundry machine with my hands. So I like upturned a lot. And then for shirts, I grab the pits and I take them out and I scrub them. Yeah, that's good. It takes about seven hours to wash about five days worth of clothes. You can't do any long sleeves.

You can't wash your blankets. It's T-shirts only. Long sleeves. And afterwards, my hands are shriveled cut tired um i feel like you you say you live down the street from a laundromat yes i do hear that right why why the aversion to the laundromat well it used to be it's only drop off now so uh because i i would do it in a heartbeat if it was coin and i could do it myself right i think it's like but i think it's really reasonable everyone in the neighborhood says it's really reasonable um so i should just do it i don't know why you see you are a bucket guy you seem like you're drawn to doing stuff in a bucket yeah i do have like

self-sabotaging um behaviors so this is definitely one of them where it's like hey aaron instead of having a day off why don't you churn laundry for seven hours and come out of your basement suite sweating like you're working on a fucking i don't know i don't know something important but it's not yeah a bow flex but it's bad because i'll i don't want to do the laundry so then i'll go which is fine because i'm not dating anyone I'm not even dating so sometimes I'll wear dirty laundry for like a week like I'll just go into my dirty laundry bag and

flip underwear inside it's not good you know it's like very it's very first year university behavior but you never went to university so you have to live this style somehow exactly so thank you yeah I would love to university, so you have to live this style somehow. Exactly. So, thank you. Did you ever listen to that song, Dirty Laundry, by Don Henley?

It's a pretty good song. No. Is it? It slaps. Is it a metaphor, or is it actually about dirty laundries? I wonder what it's about. I know Lisa Marie Presley covered it once. Oh, did she?

I didn't know she was a singer. Yeah. She mostly does Don Henley covers. Was there another Don Henley song? Always a Summer. My Dirty Dishes. Summer. Yes. There was a Don Henley song on the radio, and I was like,

no one ever needs to hear this again. And was all she wants to do is dance yeah yes this is good henley content that's cool yeah is that song about like she doesn't want to do anything else like well she will because it's sort of it's a kind of from a concept album. First she wanted to do her dirty laundry, but now all she wants to do is dance. Anyways, my girlfriend is mad at me. Always doing things and not talking to me. So I just sing what she does to get back at her. Hey, fuck you, Janice. She doesn't like that either.

Dave, have you ever lived in a place that you needed to go to a laundromat? Or is that maybe in college or such? No, we had like a shared laundry. In college, there was like a... They always lived in buildings that had laundry. Right. Because, yeah, going out with your laundry and getting that done, it's a humbling experience. Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing.

It's not even embarrassing so much as, like, it's just something you don't want to have out of the house. Like, you're a big thing of your clothes. Yeah, you're right. It's not embarrassing. It's that. Yeah. But, like, some people would do their whole month's worth in one go. They'd have a giant

suitcase and one of those ikea bags and they were doing like everything sheets towels and uh that's you know that only comes to about eight bucks if you're doing all all your own drying if you're bringing home everything sopping wet there you go um i was thinking you know how like mobsters uh they would you know carry around a violin case with a gun inside yeah like so they wouldn't attract attention that they had a gun they were walking around with a gun but i think that would attract a lot of attention now yeah like if you'd be yeah people be like are you going to dixieland or no i guess it's not violent will you go into square dance yeah are you gonna go are you

gonna go jigs um i was thinking now that the modern hitmen should just have an ikea bag with a bunch of clothes in it with a big gun underneath it or just like one landmine or something like that yeah like a jewel with a blow dart in it, but maybe that's more James Bond. That's too sleek. Yeah. Yeah, because we haven't had a James Bond yet that vapes. Oh, yeah. Is it time?

Are we ready for that? I think we need a vaping Bond. Yeah. Yeah, what would he say? Somebody stop me. I don't drink anymore. I vape. I don't drink anymore. I vape. I'll take it.

I'll take my vape syrup. Half nicotine. He's trying to do that or not. We've never had a Bond who just bites his nails a lot either. No, that's true. Or a Bond that just bites his lip and doesn't solve anything.

Mmm. Mmm. Like when he sees the villain, he's like, mmm. It's like, what? End of movie. I think it's him. I think he's the bad guy.

Wow, wow, wow. His lips all, bottom lip's all fucked up by the end of the movie. Would it be funny if James Bond went into a place and there was a guy who totally looked like he would be the villain, but he's just the secretary or something,

and Bond beats the shit out of him, and then the bad guy's just, like, a normal-looking dude? Yeah, that guy's just into, like, rave culture, and, like... That's why he's got, like, those, like, completely white contact lenses and the choker, and he's like, that's a guy for sure. He's got, like, contact lenses and the choker and he's like, that's the guy for sure. He's got the contact lenses.

That guy in the belly shirt, he's a bad guy. That guy with the suva, he's bad. Suva. Also, Bond's a bloke now. That guy over there. He's bad. He's bad. He's well bad guy. He's well fit,

though, isn't he? And he, and he wearing the platform shoes, and he, are you that tall? Are you wearing

the platforms? Yeah. Gotta get me some of those. He's got like a Burberry baseball cap. I'm the shortest

Bond. Five foot two. Is the world ready for a short Bond? A short vaping bond who doesn't know how to solve crimes always judges every book by its cover yeah this rave is well full of villains i mean it is it is villains Villains. Sorry, did I say villains? I meant felines. Yeah. Yeah, this is a place for felines, is it? That guy looks like John Wick, don't he? Don't he?

Don't he? That would be great, to have a James Bond where he's talking and then John Wick is happening in the background. Why do they never cross-promote movies like that? It's like, I'll be in the background if you're a movie movie you can be in the background of my movie yeah well you know what stick around they used to do it on scooby-doo they would have uh you know the three stooges that's right carl and globetrotters come through kiss has been one of the team ups that he's done what's the other one there was somebody else soon that was like, who is this for? I felt that when the

Kiss thing happened. I was like, well, what is the Venn diagram of Kiss fans? I saw an ad, I think it was an ad for the Classic Rock Station, and it was a bunch of sperm going to an egg, but one of them had Kiss makeup on. Oh, hell yeah.

That's the one that made it through. Here's my pitch for our new ad campaign jizz yeah well the radio station was wjz double jz the load serving up liquid hits all day. Thick liquid hits. Of a good color and consistency. If it's not, talk to your doctor at 101.3. What's a bad color? I don't know. Red and chunky?

Yeah. Kind of half-half. Like a Manhattan clam chowder? Yeah, if it's all liquid that comes out first and then the solid comes out second, that's when you know you're in trouble. You're in big trouble. You got a lube problem down here. Everything's gonna go on a wire. It's not mixing

well enough down there. Some liquid and then a little note that says I owe you some solid. That part hurts a lot to push the note through your urethra. Well, it's pretty liquidy though yeah that's true it's and it's rolled up real tight so you barely even feel it um aaron you ever passed a stone of any kind oh yeah no i'm no i've been very grateful no stone has

no stone has touched me me nice me neither me neither but one day yeah i feel like it's only a matter of time oh yeah the stuff i put in my body god there's probably a whole little like salt world down there that's building in my bladder or whatever i don't know where that stuff comes from but yeah oh kidney stones gallstones gallstones you know your kidney your gallbladder what do you get them from is it just everyday living or is it high salt or what's the pringles boy yeah try and stay away from them though you know stop me yeah it's like live a life without pringles that's your bite of chip yeah exactly i find that once i pop with those things sheesh they should put a warning on those things i gotta tell you now you gotta tell you a booga um uh yeah yeah aaron you said that you talked to other people in your neighborhood you know your neighbors are you

part of a community um i it's funny because someone that i i knew through kind of like art comedy whatever um i used to live by them but but we never became like full-fledged friends. But then when I moved here, they live right there. So I know them and they have a husband and a baby. And so I talked to them sometimes and we trade things. They gave me a little spider catcher. It's like a little, it looks like a, it's like one of those things you use to pick up cans

yeah yeah yeah it's got like kind of a like a claw looking thing yeah yeah yeah but it's like a bunch of little things so they gave me that for spiders um and but that's the only person i know and then i talked to my landlords they're really nice um and then what's your spider count what do you how how many spiders you've been seeing per day? Well, there was one really big one that crawled up through the drain, and it was in the bathtub, and I was like, I'm going to come back later and see what that thing does. I'm not going to deal with it now. And then when I came back, it crawled back down in the drain,

which I thought was worse for me, because then I'm just imagining what happens down there in the pipes. He's calling his friends up yeah i i know i have a lot of spiders down here because the basement but a lot of them are those thin wispy pathetic ones that you can just like you know they're like my existence you know but i don't do that i try and i don't i try not to kill anything down here because, I don't know, you know, they got friends in the walls and shit. Hell yeah. Even centipedes, those little

ear-weak centipedes, ooh, I want to kill them so bad, but I don't. What about silverfish? You see a silverfish? I don't kill silverfish. I just let them do their thing. I mean, they're gross and disgusting and they look like, I don't know, they look like tiny little, those guys who spray paint themselves silver and do busking.

They look like those little guys. And eight hours on a silver toilet. Yeah, but no, I don't even kill those. No? No. Sometimes I'll push one down the drain and let the water do the oh yeah i've done that once in a while like sometimes the water will hit it and it's already kind of going down and so you're like just those are those are uh non-negotiable those are a kill for me yeah i

mean that makes sense yeah yeah i won't kill a spider but yeah i i think i've killed a several dozen of uh these silverfish. Centipedes, that's fine as long as we stay on other sides of the room from one another. Yeah. Moths. What do you think about moths? Oh, moths gotta go. Yeah.

I don't kill moths because they freak me out with their energy. They're so fucking spazzy that I just have to leave. It's like if your friend is going through a tough time and you go into the room and they're like, ah! And you're like, okay, I'm going to come back later when you're like, it's like if your friend is going through a tough time and you go into the room and they're like, and you're like, okay, I'm gonna come back later when you're like, you know what I mean?

Yeah. The little moths, the little moths are the ones that eat clothes. Yeah. The little like, Oh, but the big ones, I'll let the big ones go.

Yeah. Big ones are cool. They're nice looking. They're just a little ones. Like they just turned to dust. They do slap them and you just get the dust that like your whole soul is just dust yeah and you're like what where the hell did all that wool go that you were eating yeah that sweater you were working on oh i have a sweater that's so full of holes that i really i

put it on over a white t-shirt and it was like in cartoons where like water comes out the holes after somebody's been shot with a machine gun yeah so many holes it was insane oh no but if i wear a dark shirt underneath can't tell i have a couple like uh i own two cashmere sweaters that i've owned for 10 years and they're just uh at this point they're just um just like for cozy times oh yeah yeah because they've been holed up they've been holed up and they're just like pilled times. Oh yeah, yeah. Because they've been holed up? They've been holed up and they're just like pilled and everything. And they're also like too, I heard the words cashmere sweater and I thought, oh, what a fun, luxurious thing.

And then I didn't realize until I owned one that they are so hot. They like keep you so warm. And I don't, I never need that. I've got a- You run hot. They keep you so warm. I never need that. You run hot? I run hot, baby. I'm wet. I see.

Absolutely soaked. I'm soaked between the shoulders. Soaked to the bone. Do you own anything wool, Aaron? Are you a woolsman? I've got a couple wool things. My whole family knits um so i've got some old i've got this old wool sweater that my mom knit my dad back in the like 80s it's a it's a wool sweater that was like i guess a boy it's super tiny and

um like i put it on when i was like 25 i was like oh this will fit me i'm gonna say so i'm like what was dad was he like they met each other when they were kids pinocchio he had the body of like in world war ii if like you needed some guy to go down into the missile thing to dislodge a missile, you're like, that guy, Kevin, he's a fucking- A face clef. He's a tiny skeleton man. Did your parents play like a tuba or something in the bass realm? In between. My mom played the French horn, one of the hardest of the brass instruments to play.

Yeah. a french horn one of the hardest of the brass instruments to play yeah and my dad played trombone which i think is equally hard but super goofy and that really does match their personalities yeah but yeah they both played there they were in the brass they were brass brass heads brass holes brass yeah um yeah do your parents do they work as musicians or was this just this was a passion this was career that you're going to have a career but then they had one kid and then like oh let's have another

and then they had two kids I was the extra twins came out 13 minutes later so and then they were like oh yeah we can't be musicians anymore so did you do they know that they were having twins when you came out uh yeah i think eventually like halfway through they knew because i think they did the ultrasound why do you think that you're the extra why don't you think your sister's there because i think i'm the youngest like i'm 13 minutes born 13 minutes

later than my sister so my whole idea is my sister was like he came first and then i was sprouted up and then and then when it was time to be born i was like no no no no no no no i don't want this uh and then when you're hoarding stuff in here yeah you came out everybody's putting their coats on and getting ready to leave oh what the i guess you can come with us no i i think that my i think that's just something that i say you know what i mean you know when you're like that's just something that i say you know what i mean you know when you're like that's just something that i'm gonna say until i change my idea when you say your family all knits do you mean your parents both your siblings yeah my older sister my twin sister

my mom and then and then uh all my mom's side of the family, it's all quilters. Do you do anything textile? No, I don't do any fabric arts or textile. I mean, you do wash clothes for seven hours in a bucket. Yeah, I connect to my grandmother in the 70s on a farm in Truro, Nova Scotia, of washing boys' shirts and undies. But I want to do some fabric arts yeah i it's actually a goal of mine to do a little like either cross stitch or embroidery or something like that because fabric arts are so cool i've always liked quilting and all that stuff so i've always

been jealous of somebody who can make clothes and make their own stuff abby she does a lot of that she can make her own stuff yeah abby can do that oh cool yeah she's like excellent at it too i do want to learn how to mend mending would be mended hem yeah m is yeah yeah m's too tough for me but i can mend yeah oh and i can replace a button oh boy oh really nice you can or you can't replace a button i can nice good cool um i've replaced a button or two in my time but sometimes the shirt will lose a button i'm like i didn't really like it anyways and just donate it oh the shirt goes yeah yeah especially if it doesn't have the button to replace it. Oh, this is going to be like a whole. Oh,

I, one year I had, I've had, I bought four shirts at the same time and I've owned them now probably for 10 years and they all like about six years and they all sort of breaking buttons. Oh, like the buttons are made out of some kind of nut. Oh, just like too, sort of breaking buttons. Like the buttons are made out of some kind of nut. Oh.

A nut button. Just like too many washings and they all kind of started disintegrating. So I was like, summer project. I'm buying 40 buttons and I'm rebuttoning all these shirts and I still got them.

Nice. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, that's why I want them in because I don't like throwing out shit. And I always buy stuff from thrift stores, and it's always half broken, so I want to learn how to fix that stuff. Yeah, that's a good use of time and picking up a skill. Yeah, I think so. Plus, I need to hem every pair of jeans I have, because I'm like a size fucking 34-8.

I'm like 34 waist 8 inseam whenever i whenever i give my pant size to someone if it's for something they're like what are you i'm like yeah it's like 24 37 okay okay umpty dumpty i're like Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Exactly. Yeah. Any reference is hurtful when you try and go into literary canon to be like, ooh, wore pants like that. It was never like the hero of a big journey.

It was always like. We got another dumpty back here. Yeah. We got another egg-shaped creep in the back who's got some jeans on, so. Well, we're actually putting out a play about a golf ball, and... We think you'd be great. Who's got two drumsticks for legs.

This play? Yes, it's not going to be played in front of anybody, but it's a workshop. We're workshopping it. We're workshopping it. The golf ball. But we do need, of course, we need costumes.

He takes down Arnold Palmer is what he does in the play. He takes down the legacy of Arnold Palmer, this magic golf ball does. Yeah, because he's mad that Arnold Palmer is mixing lemonade and iced tea because, boy, he just wants to keep

the lemonade race pure, which is, it's a bad play. This play stinks. But you know who's invested a little money in it? Arnold Bauer. He doesn't know what it's about yet. Who's that golfer who like smoked cigarettes and drank Diet Coke

and was like, I have DUIs and it's actually cool. John Daly. But also drank Diet Coke. Well well didn't he always have like a badass yeah yeah that's the oh i do love diet coke so that is there's a there's a there's a bar in town that has stand-up shows and there's always a big picture of john daly there and every time i see it i want to learn more about him because it's basically him in like whatever uh golf crazy golf eccentric attire but he's got like you know what i i just googled it right now and the first headline i found you're i i feel terrible mocking your what you said

uh the headline is golfer john daly has legendary thirst for diet coke yeah he does cut back from 28 cans a day you know when he goes pee it's just like little stones the whole time blink or it's just like brown and fizzy you just hear it like sounds like something being poured out of a can yeah when he starts to pee, it does a crack in the can suck. Yeah. Flush, flush before it overflows. Tilt the toilet so I don't get

so much head. I've read his autobiography like years and years ago. Oh, really? Yeah, and he's just he was like, he was always a rebel. This didn't come on, like he was always a rebel he just didn't come on like he was didn't want to take shit from anybody so he got into golfing for some reason the most like rule heavy sport you could possibly be a part of yeah the one where like how you act

is a part of it like being like it's like ballet in terms of like how you act and then golfing is right above it. Have you ever golfed? I have like mini golf, but no, I never golfed. I wonder, I can see myself getting into golf in some period of my life. I could see there being a golf year or two. The thing, yeah, I've done it. But the thing is like I always assumed it was an old man thing growing up and then when i grew up uh everyone else had already started and gotten good at it yeah it always seemed like a cool other sport like everyone in when i was younger who

was into hockey or whatever they would always be like i golf too and And I was like, cool. Cool. Thanks for sharing. Cool. I don't like either of the things that you do. I like drama and improv comedy. Were you a drama kid in your high school youth? You a drama nerd?

Yeah. I was totally. I was kind of like a drama nerd, but I didn't hang out. I've always kind of had this thing with my whole life where i kind of like things but i'm always on the periphery of things but yeah i did drama pretty heavy i loved it but i wasn't like a drama kid like i didn't hang out in the in the um in the drama room at lunchtime and sing musicals which is those people are cool they found their people that's cool but um i didn't i didn't like i that wasn't my thing so but i did really love drama yeah were you cast in any of the plays yeah but our the high school i went to really hated art they really they really like science and sport and they and uh so our drama room was just a room so when we do plays it would

just always be on carpet in a room with like mirrors and curtains um but yeah i was cast i was like the my biggest claim to fame is i got the lead in the black donnellys in grade 12 which was a play about an irish family that moved to ontario and then like killed a bunch of people and got killed everyone hated them um and so yeah that was my claim to fame holy shit i love when they make kids do dramatic oh it was amazing because at one point a guy throws an axe at a woman's content warning vagina and um i hopefully i gave enough room for someone to take off their earbuds and run out the door. You absolutely did not. Content vagina warning. Yeah.

Quick heads up. Vagina X content warning. But no, he throws a fake ax at this woman that he hates. It's a very brutal. Did she have a fake vagina? Yeah. Yeah. The props. All the budget went into this prosthetic

no but the axe was styrofoam but but he he and and shout out and respect because he this guy i won't say his name or anything that anyways he he loved method acting so he he had to throw this axe and then he took it way too far and he like screamed he's like threw this axe and like everyone was just like oh my god that guy went way too hard on that and uh so it was basically just a bunch of 16 year olds to 17 year olds doing this real it was basically like 16 and 17 year olds doing angela's ashes the play and just like brutally fucking it up at every turn in like a carpeted place where a mirror is visible you know it was really bad that's so good that's so good um dave you were not you

didn't go in any place you didn't go in for any of that theater uh i did a couple plays um but no no drama like only comedy not even musicals i wouldn't do the musicals. I would just do I would be in the funny play. Like Neil Simon type of We did Fools by Neil Simon. I was in Fools. I was Dr. Zubritsky. Oh my god.

That's really unlocked something in my brain. Taking that name. Holy cow. Did you, Graham? I auditioned. I auditioned a lot and i only got in one and that was during a teacher's work to rule campaign and my friends put on their own play so that's awesome i got a role in that it was pretty good but as far as the teachers were concerned i was not i was not allowed to be in the you're're not castable. Yeah, exactly. You're, you're typecast and you're not the type we're looking for. So they're lost.

You're not my day. They probably hear you on the radio and go, how, what a fool I was. Yeah, exactly. We could have cast him in angels in America at our school. Oh boy.

That's such a good six hour version. Everybody in the gymnasium is just sweating. How many more hours is this? Yeah, they're sweating. They're like, these kids have no idea what this thing is about, do they? Yeah. They keep saying they're in Boston. They think they're in Boston.

What was it? It was... I think I was listening to Attitudes, the podcast, and they were talking about, boy, like a high school play where they did Angels in America, but they didn't want it to be about AIDS. So they gave everyone diabetes. They made it about diabetes. Just going to the park to eat sugar away from my wife with other guys. They made it about diabetes. Oh, I know. I think actually it was Rent is what i that's oh boy funny oh that's so funny i

love it maybe that wasn't enough as diabetes and car crashes man new york is so crazy with diabetes and car crashes right now um what was that where did you hear that uh on the podcast attitude with our with past cast uh aaron gibson i gotta i gotta check this out because uh i want to know the latest in that's fascinating i went i mean i could i couldn't tell you when they said it so just listen to every episode i will yeah um uh yeah i feel like uh dave's seen some kid theater from the other side where you're on the parent side i i never have so i don't know how hilarious it is but it must be pretty hilarious to see a bunch of kids trying to act oh i don't know that yeah i don't know that i've seen much as a parent. My kids don't want to participate.

And also, there haven't been any kind of, in the last two years, any kind of gatherings and rooms. Yes, that's true. There are no online Zoom plays or anything like that. Is Neil Simon still alive or is he gone from this world? Let's look it up. Neil Simon. Neil Simon, we or is he gone from this world? Let's look it up. Neil Simon. We lost him in 2018. Okay, well.

I wonder if he was writing plays, hilarious plays right up to the end. I bet he had some ideas of plays that never got fully fleshed out. I always think about that. That must be so frustrating because I like to make things and make jokes and i hope that i live long enough and but i'm not looking forward to when i know i'm gonna die and be like oh i should have made that little that you're not looking forward to regretting things

no i'm like i should have made that bear that's full of liquid chocolate that sculpture idea i had oh god so when you and it's a real size bear so when someone and then it attacks you but so but then when you fight back you're like this bear is full of chocolate it's like a forest prank are you uh because i have things like that but that i'm like that i oh i wanted to write that thing you know 10 years ago or make that thing but it goes away like yeah i'm like i don't i don't want to do that anymore i the reason i didn't do that is because i didn't want to badly enough um do you ever have that thing where you think of like what would teenage me think of adult me now you ever have that thought in your head oh

yeah like yeah because i it feels like the target keeps moving i'm trying to remember what i liked as a teen but also he was a shithead so why would i want to be impressing this teenager yeah i'm an adult man i don't care about teens attitudes fuck that you're you can do stuff they can't even know about they don't know about you maps you probably read're you can do stuff they can't even know about they don't know about you maps you probably read it you probably know a bit more about maps than them i don't know uh like well not a map team i feel like my anytime i think about that boy my my teenage self would be so impressed that i own a phone that has maps on it that didn't even exist i was pretty wild girl like i already had like i struggled

with like workaholic shit and like when i was a kid like i think when i was nine i used to do sit-ups in my bed at night and list all the careers i wanted to have and uh i wanted to do cartoons but also be a comedian but also do like i would just list careers and like do like what just this i'll be this and this uh so were you all the things you were you're a bunch of things you're hyphenate there was some crazy stuff in there though like speeds i want to be an olympic athlete and an animator it's like those two things don't go together yeah but like i find you only want to be olympic an olympic athlete like the two weeks that the olympics are on and then you forget about it yeah and then as soon as you see in a video when somebody has to do the rope exercises you're like

enough of that yeah yeah yeah worth it then you're a kid and you see the uh the rooming conditions for athletes you're like nope that is that's a box that's a pallet in a box and an emergency blanket and they're always saying like the olympic village like is a sex fest but is everybody in That's a pallet and a box and an emergency blanket. And they're always saying like the Olympic village, like is a sex fest, but is everybody in on that? Is anybody having sex with shot put guy or gal or, you know what I mean? Like certain,

certain people getting it. And then other people like, yeah, I've always wondered that too. I wonder if I'm like, yeah. Are you attracted to people from your own sport or are yeah are they like the most gigantic people and the most tiny people like they gotta keep

away from each other so the tiny people don't get killed look you're gonna see a lot of things in this olympic village and we want you to make it out in one piece so stay stay in your hallway um also would it be a good time to just completely you know have a fling with somebody that doesn't speak a word of your language and so you just you're just physical that's all you're doing is is uh sizing each other's hot bods up uh-huh with calipers i was in the Olympics. If I was in the Olympics, I was single. I would probably have sex a lot during the Olympics. If it was happening and people wanted it from me and if people were asking me and shit, you know?

If people were leaving notes under my door, and then a picture of a bone, I'd be like, yeah, sure. I don't speak any English, but I did draw a picture of a bone. Yeah, I would open the door and be like, this is a beautiful bone. You're very talented. And then we make out.

Yeah, sounds pretty good. What sport do you think you would be best at? You said speed skating before. I would not be good at speed skating because I quit speed skating because I was racing people who were very much younger than me or way older than me. And then I was like i'm done because they actually did speed skating yeah i did speed skating holy short track long track short track in hockey arenas yeah my mom's whole thing growing up was everyone all the kids did

like one art thing and one sport thing and for me she was really got me doing things because i had like ad ADHD or whatever. I had some shit and she was like, but no one believed in anything like that at the time. So they're just like, tire him out. She'll say that to this day. We'll be driving. She'll be like, yeah, I was just trying to tire you out. Really?

Yeah. Because sometimes I'd walk past your bedroom and you'd be doing sit ups and naming every career you wanted to have. Yeah. Just in the wind. You should be going to sleep, kid. That's really intense for a kid. Architect! Legislator.

Passport photo photographer. Do you have abs when you were a youth? No. You must have. No, I mean, well, when I was like, I had like kids abs or whatever, you know when kids just have abs. Yeah, that's what I like i had like kids abs or whatever you know when kids just have abs yeah that's what i have i have kids abs well my uh my abs all fell out my parents kept them you had your baby yeah they have a six-pack hanging in their window

um i'm impressed i've never met anybody that's uh done uh like an olympic only kind of sport like speed skating oh yeah my family from on my mom's side all did speed skating there's a big history of my grandfather speed skating and stuff like that so so dad size speed skating mom's side quilting luge yeah oh no mom's side quilting and speed skating dad's side was like teach teaching and loving the queen kind of thing and oh yeah no no they were cool they were like teachers and they like woodworking and and and academic it was more academic i guess i'm like i don't know it's hard to say any of this stuff without sounding like i'm lowballing or insulting my family but um yeah don't lowball them yeah don't low ball your family yeah although you know what you low ball the ones you love that's true that's true family that

low balls together stays together snowballs together when you watch the olympics every four years every two years i guess what is your go-to what do you what do you absolutely gotta be watching um i like to watch uh i like to watch speed skating still and and i did swimming as well growing up so so i like to watch the racing swimming yeah and but yeah and then i'll watch um i like snowboarding i like to watch them spin that one's cool cool. That is cool. Yeah. Yeah. I liked watching the skateboarding. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I like their outfits, too. I don't like it when they take a thing that you think is cool and they give it too many events. Like, when snowboarding is broken down into, like, you know, there's 10 snowboarding events now. And you watch some of them are, like, 10 seconds long. And you're like uh and you watch some of them are like 10 seconds long and you're like what did i just watch yeah exactly gnarly freestyle and uh radical downhill and you can't tell who who did well and who did poorly except by how disappointed they are at the end that's basically all the olympics and that's not a race because a race i can figure out like that person's in front of that person yeah but yeah if it's any technical stuff i'm like okay yeah sure

it would have been funny if the olympics had tried to recreate the skaters like natural habitat like they built a convenience store and then they're parking lot that's where they're doing their tricks security guard who comes out and like tries to fight physically fight them there's hostile architecture that does not allow them to grind and then when they finish their run a bunch of their peers like offer them experimental drugs and they don't know if they're going to go down that path or not like this is being judged the whole time like he is considering doing acid he might do acid at the beach and drink beer later. But they might, because there's different skaters.

There might be sober skaters at the end who are like, you want to join her? Yeah. Oh, there's a girl doing ballet. Oh, she's from the song Skater Boy, and he is not going to be with her. Okay. That's a part of the announcer lingo.

Oh, and he's now joined a skate punk band. He said, see you later, boy. Oh, no, wait. That was the other one. She said it. We're here. Today's skateboarding. Could I make it?

Anymore. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, this past week. Well, yeah, I told you a few weeks few weeks ago i mean i've been talking about this for years really there's a chocolate bar that i once had in sweden oh yes that's right this is an ongoing saga it was a big chocolate bar and you know how chocolate bars it was from it was in sweden the brand was marabu. Now, before you go on, you said big, and then you kind of motioned with your hands that it's about a foot. Is it novelty sized? Yeah, yeah. It's like a big, thick thing of chocolate.

Not thick, but big. It's not like a chocolate bar that you'd get at a 7-Eleven. Oh, it's like a rectangle. Yeah. More like your dairy milk, fruit and nut, that kind of thing. Sure, yeah. oh it's like a rectangle yeah more like your dairy milk fruit and nut that kind of thing sure yeah and uh instead of having fruits or nuts or you know almonds hazelnuts the one i had had corn nuts in it whoa yeah this is and i think it was marabou crunchy corn and over the and they didn't it was like a special one-time only thing. And so anytime I've looked it up, it's been impossible to find.

Uh, but I did look it up. You know, I'll look it up every six months when I get the craving. When you're in the neighborhood. Looked it up recently. And I found a, uh, the same company makes one that has popcorn in it. At the same time as corn nuts. A big chocolate bar, but it's called the popcorn one, but it's got popcorn and crunchy corn. Ooh.

And I found it from an American company that sells Swedish candy. Uh, but they don't ship to Canada or they do but it would be like $60 to ship this one chocolate bar so I but we have a post office box in America and so I ordered some there

and it took weeks before we could coordinate going down to cross the border but this past week I went let's see this bitch. Oh, it is. It's giant size. It's so much fun.

And I got four of them. Marabou crunchy popcorn there. The listener, it's like a big yellow wrapper. It's got like kind of a popcorn, you know, like a traditional popcorn container, the red and white container,

then actual photos of the inside. And then it says it's a recyclable or something on the front. a popcorn, you know, like a traditional popcorn container, the red and white container, and actual photos of the inside. And then it says it's recyclable or something on the front. I don't know. It says made in Sweden. Popcorn, crunchy corn, and havsalt. Havsalt, okay. Havsalt will travel. And I'm going to open it up.

Have you not had it since you got it? No, I've had it. I just love it. I want to eat more. I bought four of them. But every time I take a bite. Really good? It's so surprising how corny it is. Oh, yes.

You got the popcorn and the corn nuts. It's so corn forward. So, Dave, are you a salty sweet guy? I guess so. Whoa. Do you like Chicago Dave, are you a salty sweet guy? I guess so. Whoa. Do you like Chicago mix? Are you a Chicago mix guy? No.

Chicago mix rules. I don't like that. What? It's all over the map on this show. I'll tell you. It's too cheesy. I never. Okay.

So, you could like Chicago mix if the ratio appeased you. Yeah. Or if the savory part wasn ratio appeased you. Yeah. Or if the, if the savory part wasn't cheese. Okay. Yeah. That's cheddar. Yeah.

Yeah. I like a kettle corn. You look a Parmesan. You like dark chocolate and Parmesan. Yeah. I like garlic Parmesan with a candy cane. You're more of a mozzarella caramel guy. Absolutely. Yeah. No, I i'm i'm like uh give me

like a butter chicken with uh scotch mints delicious uh so this uh this is a loud candy this is not a quiet uh at a rehearsal kind of candy i mean, I guess it's loud in the fact that I can't shut the fuck up about it. But also, have you ever had something like super crunchy, so crunchy that you can't hear anything but your own crunching? Yeah. Like a real crunchy cereal or something like that? Yeah. That's what I bet it feels like while you're eating one of those.

It is a little corn pop. Like it's got a little bit of that corniness to it what's that what's that toffee that's really crunchy brittle brittle peanut peanut brittle yeah that's one of those things where you chew that yeah but like isn't the brittle part is so like glass like would you suck on it is that you don't or do you crunch it i would crunch it. You crunch it and then you spend an hour pulling it out of your teeth. Yeah. And if you have any sort of infrastructure problems with your teeth, the brittle will find that.

And it will crack your teeth. There is some infrastructure problems with mine. We've got plumbing's a mess. I broke my tooth on a piece of beef jerky recently. I broke one of my tooth on a Skittles. Oh, really? It's not a competition, Graham. Well, I have very little I competed, so.

Well, I broke my tooth on a crunchy corn. So that was the real, the main reason for the trip was to go pick up this chocolate. But then since I was in America, I went to Trader Joe's. And man, I love that place. Got so many little snacklets little dips it's good yeah what like shakers did you get any shakers no i didn't get any shakers this time got a few hummuses and uh you know i like a oh what seasonal ravioli do you have? And we got these great cookies that were, what were they called? They had a, they're like sandwich cookies with like. Filled with corn.

They were called these sprinkles walk into a sandwich and they're like, they're just like you know what like birthday cake buttercream in between two sandwich between two cookies and uh i was like maybe i'll get two packages of this and i'm glad i did because they're only six per package but they're enormous but still six is easy to polish off in no time at all. I bought these. I bought these. Here, I'll show you. Is this okay? Yeah.

Yeah. Aaron's going. Oh, my God. Also, remember, I'm buying Girl Scout cookies off of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got them for you. Oh, okay. All right.

I got these White Rabbit. Oh, yeah. Are those chewy? It's ice cream bar so it's a version of the white rabbit um kind of like milk flavored candy um but the packaging is so fucking beautiful and for the viewers can't see it but it's like a rabbit who's like sneezing but it's covered in blue and it's underneath a art palette and it's so beautiful but i i ate three of them last night and i woke up my stomach was like what the fuck what did you just do yeah did you just like get trapped in a dairy queen freezer what is going on

with you i do like seeing uh a package of something where i I don't speak the language of where the package is from. And I just have to discern what, because what you held up, I had no idea what that was. Yeah. I just remembered the White Rabbit candies from when I was a kid, like other kids would give them to you down here. So I was like, oh, I love that flavor. So and then as an ice cream bar, it's out of control. Is it? It's like the mouth feels like it's solid.

You know when you chew on a Popsicle and it's too watery and crystal-y and it kind of breaks? This one's like a fucking, you chew on it and it hurts your teeth. It's like a beef jerky. I love that. It's so close to breaking all your teeth and where do you get it i got i live right by tnt so i get i i'm like delving into tnt treats because um because that's just i just eat wherever go to grocery store is closest to me give me a lowdown on what uh what candies you're TNT. Oh, hell yeah. I'm looking to spoil my dinner in every different language if I can.

Oh, yeah. Okay, so I'm obviously not an expert. I'm coming at it as a real, you know, Larry the Cable Guy with this. I don't know a lot. Okay. I actually think Larry the Cable Guy does know a lot. He's pretty smart. Oh, yeah.

His last special was called, like called Chewing on Mochi. I love... Yeah, okay. So my things are... There's an egg white sponge cake that they have that's just out of control. So beautiful. It's like chewing on a cloud. Okay.

That sounds great. I love mochi. So you like things that are easy to bite and hard to bite too yeah yeah i think i'm a big texture guy and i like uh portuguese egg tarts chinese egg tarts um these white rabbit candies um that's what i explored so i bet i would like an egg tart but the word egg it's off-putting for me. Oh, but you got to go for it. They're beautiful.

They're so good. But I love eggs. I just don't want to hear it. Yeah. You just would rather they be called like cream puffs or... Oh, gimme, gimme. There's a new restaurant that just opened up in town. I think it's a chain called Joji.

Is that right? Joji B? I have this. Jollibee? Jollibee. Thank you. Yeah. Fried chicken place.

Filipino fried chicken. Always a lineup. Yeah. To the point that I'm like, maybe they need to expand their store somewhat. Always a lineup even at nine in the morning. Yes. Yeah. Chicken and waffles.

You know, you get that chicken, take it home. Do they sell waffles there? I don't know. Oh, you take it home and mix it with your own waffles. Oh,

sure. I want to try Jollibee. I've never had it. Well, get in line. Yeah. Right. I don't really like standing in lines for places.

I feel like I'm getting suckered. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. I remember going when I was in toronto at one time i came around the corner there's a giant line like 15 people long and i was like so excited to see what they were standing for yogurt yeah whenever it's something like yogurt or like um they sell

like a really crazy chocolate covered almond i'm like you, you could, you could, I don't know. I'm not going to stand in line for that. Oh, the one other thing with this, uh, crunchy corn, uh, no, uh,

popcorn chocolate is, uh, so I had mentioned it a few weeks ago that I had ordered it. And Abby's aunt Sheila said, Oh, I thank goodness you, uh, found some of your own.

Cause I bought some for you and i was gonna mail it to you but my son ate it and he found it and ate it all and her son is in quotes yeah my son managed to eat a chocolate around her mouth on the video it's weird that she always texts me a picture of her messy face when she's anyway um yeah what would you stand in line would you stand in line for that corn snack if you didn't have it already if you saw it was on sales what would I stand in line for here's what I stand in line for

the coat check yeah absolutely I want to be you know first guy to buy the Phantom Menace ticket at the movie theater I feel like that was a guy uh-huh the old people are so heavy there's right now huge travel lines for both getting a passport and getting through security yeah right i have to fly tomorrow and they say be there two hours

before your flight domestic domestic i heard three three three domestic jeez i don't even think i can get to the airport that early bring a mad magazine in the morning oh i should bring you going to fold in i'm going to winnipeg manitoba oh nice uh yeah it'll be fine but uh like my flight's at eight so i'm supposed to be there at five yeah you. You should probably get there. Yeah. No way. Yeah. No way is right. If I get there at six. Oh,

what does your body do? I know that you, what does your body do when you get up that early? I, you know what? If I get up that early, my brain is sharp. It's ready to go.

It means, but if I wake up anytime, that's like, I don't have anything to do for an hour or whatever. Mush. My brain becomes mush. So I think that like quick wake up, I think it'd be good in the military that way.

Yeah. Wake up and panic. Yeah. Wake up, panic, run around, check on like a suitcase, make sure I packed it.

Yeah. Disassemble a gun, reassemble a gun. Uh, what does your brain do when you wake up that hour? Or your body? Yeah, whenever I have to get up at five, I always feel so conflicted. And maybe this will stop if I stop smoking cigarettes, what I'm trying to do.

But if I get up at like five or six, my body is so fucked. Like my stomach's churning. I'm like, I've got like sensitive skin. And I always feel so bad because it's always like the sun is rising and birds are doing this thing. So I get this double world where I'm like, this is really beautiful, and I should do this all the time to have silence and think. But then my body's like, what the fuck? It's not 12 p.m. What the fuck?

So I'm always like, but the birds. It's like, I don't care. Fucking get back in. You're Beetlejuice when you wake up. Yeah, I am Beetlejuice. My brain is Beetlejuice. When you were a kid and you were learning about 12 p.m. being noon and 12 a.m. being midnight. Like, when I was a kid, it messed me up.

Oh. Me too. Because we switched from 12 to like you switch the am pm before you go back to one like i feel like you need to go back to one to switch the amp right like why why are we still counting up but we've switched the i see what you mean like because if if somebody actually missed a flight because of that. Because I thought that the flight I booked left on the day before at noon, but actually left on the day after at

midnight. So I thought, like, I was counting from noon instead of from midnight. And so I was day late for my flight. I don't like it. I think 12, you're counting, It's 8am, 9am,

10am, 11am, 12am. Yes. As far as I'm concerned. Yeah. That's what I think. This is when I'm in charge.

Things are going to be different. It's going to be different. Yeah. All right. All right. So you, enough of your, uh,

lollygagging. Get your shit together. Yeah. What's up with you, Graham? First of all, we talked a little bit, or maybe I referenced the mask at some point. You said smoking, which you said James Bond would now be saying. Yes, that's right. Somebody stop me.

I watched The Mask the other day. Nice. If you're wondering if it holds up, hell yeah, it does. It's great. It's great. That Cuban Pete thing he does, that's the original Masked Singer, right? Yes. That's what inspired

the guy who grew up to create The Masked Singer. He grew up to create it. Yeah. The Mask's still great. That's good. I've never seen it. You've never seen it? No. I loved it. I saw Pet Detective.

I saw Dumb and Dumber, and then I was like, you know what? It's too much all at once. Yeah. You got to space this out over a decade. Too much of a... Too much of that, Carrie? Yeah, kind of all of you and i was you know i i dipped i dipped in for liar liar sure

grinch rules but i wasn't sure if the effects of mask would hold up they do they're amazing oh nice yeah like it's not they don't overdo you know like some movies, just it's all CG and you're like, oh, that didn't age super well. Good. Check it out. I don't know if his character being like a horny man is as appropriate for kids as maybe parents thought. Yeah.

It was because he is very horny in the movie. Probably one of the hornier Jim Carrey characters, that's for sure. Whoa. Let's run them down. Who are the horniest Jim Carrey characters? Well for sure. Let's run them down. Who are the horniest Jim Carrey characters? Well, there's the Majestic. The Majestic. You know Ace Ventura's gonna... Truman Show starts with

like three jerk-off montages. That's true. Andy Kaufman definitely got it wet. He got it wet. You know, this Dr. Robotnik he fucks yeah he's already very uh you know the number 23 definitely yeah yes man he said yes to everything he's very uh into different kinks uh bruce almighty

actually he does have sex with jennifer edison and gives her one of the best orgasms she's ever had because he's god one of and you're just of. Well yeah she had a thing with a very considerate lover before she met Bruce Almighty so. But he doesn't yeah and he like couldn't make his clothes like fly off. Yeah and then like they have sex and like it's like it's like a bunch of like and like jungle sounds and stuff like that because as we all know the jungle it's gotta be one of the sexiest places the jungle it could kill you at any second yeah oh yeah giant tarantula on a fucking decomposing boar it's like yeah yeah just a soaked boa constrictor yeah just the bones of a traveler that a piranhas have decimated you're just like

oh tingle oh i gotta take a jeans tingle um i don't even know if the what are his the majestic was kind of one of the ones that you kind of take off what about cable guy cable guy was plenty horny. Oh, yeah, sure. Cable Guy is supposed to be Chris Farley. Was it really? Yep. Same with Shrek. Shrek was supposed to be Chris Farley. Rest in peace.

Both Chris Farley and Shrek. He dies in the last one. Lemony Snicket's very horny. Lemony Snicket's incredibly horny. Dumb and Dumber's, that's probably the horniest of the Jim Carrey characters. I don't want I mean the Riddler's hornier. Well, the Riddler's so horny.

I was hoping the whole time I was watching the Batman that it was going to be Jim Carey as the Riddler. But that would have been such a great unveil that those Batman movies work canonically. That would be so cool. So we all

agree that Riddler is the horniest of the Jim Carreys? Yeah. I think it'd be frustrating to have sex with the Riddler, but I do think that he's the horniest. Yeah, once you figure out the riddle, it would be like, boy, you'd be having one of the best orgasms that Jennifer Aniston's ever had. Yeah.

He's like, the real riddle is the female orgasm it's figuring out i know there's a lot of clues along the way but so frustrated maybe it's one of those riddles that's not funny like it's not like a joke riddle it's just like but maybe he's got riddles for what gets him going you know like what has three swirls on the left nip one one deep tongue in the mouth and a slight pat of the balls me coming i'm riddler you're like what did you just say riddler riddler you're not supposed to give away the answers to your batman's supposed to figure this out on his own. I know, but no one ever does, so I'm just telling you how to do it.

Batman's just like, I don't know what this is, but... Oh, fuck, it is hot. There's something happening with my suit where it feels tighter than it usually is. Mm-hmm. And the other thing, my uh what was the first thing i watched the mask okay um my family was in town so i went out with my ma and pa uh to a patio and uh i think like because people are getting back out of the swing things, I think they're too excited to be everywhere. Your parents?

No, my parents, they, they, uh, they're fine. But I think everybody else on the patio were like going too hard, you know? Yeah. And there was a couple having a first date and they were so loud. date and they were so loud they were yelling at each other the whole time about who if somebody cooks the other person should clean the dishes which is a great debate we can all it's riveting stuff uh but they didn't get off of that topic for about 20 minutes and yeah just seeing a first date is probably one of the most painful yeah well it Well, it's, uh, the weather has not been good yet. It's, uh, so the patio, like you, people are dying to go on a patio, but it also is cold

and rainy. Yes. And, but also you should, when you're cooking, you should maybe clean a little along the way. That's just for your own sanity. I love to do that. Um, yeah. You know, I'm not saying you do all of it like let

the you know let your partner but she also her thing was everything he would say she'd say 100 100 and then proceed to say her part of the conversation i love that so she wasn't listening so probably wasn't listening that much 100 i feel like when you choose a catchphrase as your response, you've kind of checked out. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. And here's the thing. Yeah.

Do you have a thing when the waiter or waitress says, how are the first few bites? Usually my mouth is full and i go and do a thumbs up the stink guy yeah who's asking you know i'm always awesome sauce now can i tell you i think on the last episode uh there there was a waiter that uh i had that was There was a waiter that I had that was writing down everybody's order. First time waiter.

Had him again. He was out on the patio. Still had not really picked up the pace. But the couple next to me at one point, I don't know if he was joking or not, but he said, I'm going to order for you. Which I was like, that's... The man? The man, yes. Not the waiter. The waiter didn't say, hey guys, I'm going gonna order for you which i was like that's the the man the man yes not the waiter the waiter didn't say hey guys i'm gonna that would rule if you were waiters just like you

guys look like uh surf and turf kind of couple so so the guy did you don't know if it was a joke but did he order no she he said it she cut it off in the past and said I thought we were just going to have a fun conversation so I order for you I'm going to leave yeah weird stuff on dates yeah remember that show blind date where they did a weird thing every single time oh

yeah learn karate or you know like build a vase or something like that help a detective or something like that. Help a detective finish the last couple moves in a case. But the idea of a person ordering for someone else it feels like such a something like you

would have been told like oh you gotta do this on the first date. Like you see it in a Martin Scorsese movie you're like I'm gonna do that. Yeah but also if you're you would maybe do it if you were at a restaurant where you knew if it was like your local where you are there all the time oh and he's like you've got to try you've got the menu memorized yeah yeah gotta try these i'm gonna get a bunch of special little plates for the table yeah i don't mind that if there's somebody who loves a place, but... She's going to get a big

fettuccine Alfredo and I'm going to have a salad. She's going to have the Big Mac and I am going to have the Quarter Pounder. That guy over there is getting the McNuggets and rounding it out. Somebody that I hate. He's ordering for everyone

in the restaurant? She's going to have a bucket of Diet Pepsi. Use one of those buckets that you get potatoes in from the factory or whatever. This guy's a bucket guy. I'll have a mint. As soon as you said bucket of Pepsi, I remember it. I went to a Subway a couple weeks ago. And they have like a Pop-O-Tron, right?

Like a soda robot. But they have a like a pop-o-tron right like soda robot but they only had pepsi and diet pepsi those are the oh they didn't have all the options no they had pepsi diapesty or sparkling water those were the three i kept pressing it like oh this must be the entryway into other flavors it wasn't it was just like having a computer you only use for typing notes like you can't do anything else like if you try and watch a movie it like starts smoking um i like it's worse than just having a pepsi machine yeah that would like the only way you at least get eight flavors you can't mix them or anything. I guess you could. Yeah.

Manually. I mean, you know, a little, what would go well together? I was, uh, across the street from subway the other day and they had,

uh, bunting those like little, uh, flags hanging down above the entrance. I was like, I got it. I got across the street to see what, what's going on at subway.

And they, they, all the little flags just say, eat fresh, refresh. And apparently they got new stuff going on at Subway. I love it when Subway does a new thing. It's my favorite. Yeah, there's a Subway that I went to somewhere in the south of Vancouver. Oh, yeah, they take a nice slow down

hill. South of 49 Street Avenue. They just have the subs open on one of those giant barbecues that like an oil drum. Yeah. You gotta flip the sub over lots of times. No, there's like

one that I saw that the branding is all futuristic and it's not like the subway we know with like sub with yellow arrow way with the other arrow it's like subway it's like the s is in a kind of like a superhero logo and the the it's all white instead of being all yellowy so there's there's some new shit going on at Subway. Yeah, yeah. This I gotta see. I was in the... Have you ever heard of the Subway...

Have I talked about this on the show? The Subway sandwich that's Subway reggae reggae chicken? No. No, please. Please tell us. When I was... Because I used to tour with a band and we went to Iceland or somewhere

or wherever that region is. The Nordics. Yeah, the Nordics. And we ate at Subway, and they had a Subway that was just called Subway Chicken Reggae Reggae Sub, and it was like a spice. I guess it had like a jerk element to it, of the spice on the

chicken, but you can look it up. It's real. But it seems very disrespectful towards reggae um which is you know very complex you know beautiful music uh to just say it twice reggae reggae sub seems it seems a bit racist actually i don't know like depending what the angle is and but bottom line that's disrespectful towards reggae yeah that's right yeah yeah in some ways rock and roll is fine you can call a fucking buffalo chicken sandwich rock and roll time and who gives a shit, you know?

That's true, yeah. But have some respect for reggae. Yeah, have some respect for reggae. Why not a sub named after a choir? The nice sub. Or a techno sub? That's the other end of the scale. You know, choir. If you eat one of those reggae subs too fast,

it's a ska sub. Nice. Fine. Do we want to move on to some overheards? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Thank you so much to everyone who participated in this year's Max Fun Drive. If you're a member who wants to purchase additional patches, our annual shop is now live.

The proceeds for this year's sale will be going to Trans Lifeline. Anytime is a good time to donate to Trans Lifeline, but this year it feels particularly important. Trans Lifeline is a non-profit for the trans community by the trans community. We're grateful that with your support, we'll be able to help Trans Lifeline connect trans folks to the support and resources they need to survive and thrive. The sale will run until Friday, May 20th. Folks at the $10 monthly level and above will have access to all of the patches from the drive. We also have a special network patch starring Nutsy that all members can purchase. For more information on Trans Lifeline, visit translifeline.org.

And for more information on the patches, head to maximumfun.org slash patch sale. Hey, this is Alden Ford. And Mujan Zofagari. And we are here with all the other creators of Mission to Zix. Hello. You're not going to say our names too?

No, no, it's a short promo. Yeah, sort of speed trip. Now, with the end of our fifth and final season Just a few weeks away We want to say thank you to Maximum Fun And to every single one of you Who's listened to and supported Mission to Zix Thank you

And if you haven't checked it out Well, Mission to Zix is an improvised space opera With blockbuster quality sound design A score performed by an actual 60 piece orchestra And hilarious guest comedians on every episode. And as our final episodes air, now is the perfect time to jump on board. That's Mission to Zyx.

Z-Y-X-X on Maximum Fun. Overheard. Overheard's a segment where, boy oh boy, some people talk. They talk so loud that you have to listen to them. Write down what they say and send it over to us, sby at maximumfund.org. We always like to start with the guest. Aaron, would you please? Okay.

I always panic. I always say I will do the show and i'm very excited and then forget i have to do an overheard and then panic so but i remember mine can i do an overseen yes yeah please okay so when i first moved into my neighborhood i walk around and um it's a really vague opening to a story but um uh there's two things i love in my neighborhood that are overseen. And I'm not making fun of them. I don't think I'm better than them. I just love them.

Okay, one is a shed that has like Etsy cursive that says, you can do it, put your back into it. And it is accredited to Ice Cube. So that I love because I think that song is about sex and it's on this beautiful shed and it's in beautiful etsy cursing cursive but it's also like it sounds encouraging yeah totally it's also yeah i mean it's also like any kind of manual labor you need your back you do that's right and you need to put it into it yeah okay and then the other one is because these are quick the other one is, because these are quick,

the other one is on the outside of someone's house, they have a giant blanket of a naked woman, and her nipples and pubic region are covered by weed leaves. Cool. And I like this because that's an interest of that person who lives in that house and they put it on the outside of the house which I think is very commendable because it really invites me

a person walking by to know that that person inside loves weed and extremely conventionally attractive Eurocentric versions of women so that's cool to me on a blanket is it photorealistic or is it like a drawing it's more airbrushy and she is beautiful like i am attracted

to the blanket woman um that's a neil simon play isn't it is that ibsen kiss of the blanket that's the final line he says on his deathbed. Just want you all to know, I'm attracted to the blanket woman. But anyways, I like that. And I also smoke pot. So, you know, it lines up with my interests in terms of, you know, intimacy and a substance, you know. I think you'd find a lot of people who are into those things. Naked ladies and drugs. substance you know i think you'd find a lot of people who are into those things naked ladies

and drugs and if you're listening and these are your houses i'm gonna make fun of you i'm i don't think i'm better than you i want to have sex with your blanket i want to smoke weed with that hot giant blanket woman and not even have sex with her i just want to kind of like i just want her to lean on me really like she leans on me she's naked i'm clothed i'm like i gotta go to work you can't do this you know and she's like but i'm so stoned and horny i'm like look i'm like working right now but thank you for leaning on me and in this fantasy where are you like a i'm picturing you in like a suit and tie going to like an office yeah i'm like sitting there eating my fucking eggs and my you know like trying to get

ready for the morning and this my beautiful life partner who i fucking love inside out she's always naked leaning on me like don't go to work you know or she likes you like and then she's always like don't go to work stay home and smoke pot with me and look and look at my body i'm always like i gotta work and then are you worried that while you're at work she's other men are coming over to look at her naked body it's book weed we got an open thing going she's got a real sexual appetite i'm pretty closed off i don't really like um sex at all where does she stand on the reggae reggae chicken debate so yeah when i first met her i looked at her uh bill her credit card bill it was full of

reggae reggae subs when you buy a reggae reggae sub at subway it lists what type of sub you got at subway and that was when you first met her you saw her credit card statement well i walked past her and she was at the library on the computer i went whoa that's a lot of reggae reggae subs and i was like why are you fully naked at the library and she's like strap in buddy we got a long life ahead of us i was like i do i imagine there is some kind of uh like weed culture uh adam and eve story where they're covered with weed leaves instead of fake leaves or like the snake turns into a fat juicy joint you know oh and the forbidden fruit has got to be like you know a triple a kush a doobie yeah yeah apple doobie and then first munchies right oh the apple oh yeah yeah they said don't eat this apple and you got high and you forgot

and then god comes back he's like you guys were supposed to do molly with me what the hell you guys totally bogarted this forbidden fruit yeah we were gonna do molly and watch a whale give birth what are you doing like what are you guys right now eating apples or pouring dave do you have an overheard uh yeah so um at my children's school, uh, there's no going inside. Like, uh, like it used to before COVID kids would just go in and go to their class. Now you wait outside for your teacher to come and get you and bring you outside. Okay. Um, so every kid in the school is lined up outside their, their classroom or at their waiting spot.

outside their, their classroom or at their waiting spot. And, uh, as I was standing outside next to my children, I heard, uh, let's say like a grade three, you know, how like, you know, eight year olds will hear a grownup thing and kind of twisted or repeated in a weird way. And I heard this little boy saying all hail king joe biden all hail king joe biden and then this other little boy said uh joe biden's the same as trump one of them's a king and the other one was just a president. So, wake up, fools. Two very different households those kids are coming from. But, you know, not my president.

No, not mine either. The only one that I've ever rooted for J. Edgar Hoover. President of the FBI. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I've only liked Chris Ballew, lead singer of Presidents of the United States Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I've only liked, you know, Chris Ballou, lead singer of Presidents of the United States of America.

Nice. If they were coming to town, I would go see them. Oh, right. I bet you they do, like, a pretty fun live show. Oh, sure. That's my guess. My overheard is courtesy of some gals talking about the guys they've dated.

One of them said, just tell me about your script you're writing and i'll tell you it's good that was her standard policy i guess whoa about the date guy she's dating yeah the guy that she's dating or dated in the past like just show me your screenplay i'll tell you it's good but you couldn't stop talking about a screenplay? Yeah, I assume so. Yeah. And, you know, so she's like, let me see it. Let me see your... I'll tell you it's good.

I'll tell you it's good. I promise. I'll be honest. I'll tell you it's good. Yeah. We know that it's going to be good. I'm sure it's good. It's about the Black Donnellys and the shenanigans they get up to and it has to

be played by 16 year olds with no life experience yeah it's part of the rules of this thing um there should be more uh you know out there teen arts yeah that's a 41 year old i feel like i have a lot more experience throwing axes at vaginas. Jesus. Yeah, we'll probably have to cut that part. There was no content warning there. He just dived right into it. Yeah, what the hell? You didn't give them two seconds. Sorry, guys.

Can I start again? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a 41-content warning, you're old. I have a lot more experience playing vaginas. Fake. Fake axes.

Fake saxes. Real vaginas. That sounds like a ska album now. It's Herb Alpert in Do You Want to Pray. I love his album covers. They're some of the best I've ever seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lady covered in... Like, whipped cream hat or something like that. Yeah. It's a whole... Have you ever seen them, Aaron? No. Herb Elbert.

It's a whole thing you can explore. That's your night tonight. They're always, like, food erotic? Well, they're not erotic. They're, like, naughty. They're, like, naughtyotic? They're not erotic. They're like naughty. They're like naughty and silly. There's one very famous one. I don't know of any other ones. Oh, really? I had a collection of them at some point. I just know the woman

covered in whipped cream. There's that one. I think there's an... Anyways. Listen, it's Herb Elford and the Tijuana Brass. And if you've got time to learn about him and appreciate his music i'd really appreciate it because i own shares in her.com other delights you know what uh he was like a big mogul he was isn't isn't a and m records like isn't he the a and a and m records

holy shit he was so big he was huge it's huge uh i liked i liked the albums i had them for a while so you could what i mean is you could own stock in it shit yeah i wasn't kidding i do own stock in herbelpert.com um he probably his company probably doesn't even know that oh man i tried to go to richard roper's website the other night it was was not there. The landing page was not there. Okay. Who's Richard Roper? He's a movie critic that used to work with Roger Ebert. Oh, that guy. Oh, yeah. Everyone

hated him. Yeah. Well, he was stepping into some pretty big loafers. Do we have any overheards that were written in there, Graham? Yes, we do. If you want to send one to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org This first one comes from

Dom in Los Angeles. Young woman saying to him, I like your tattoo. Oh no, she's saying it to another guy. I like your tattoo. He has a small tattoo of Saturn on his arm. And the woman says, do you believe in astronauts?

I feel like I'm ready to try and believe, you know? Yeah. I mean, I've heard the moon, like I've, I know people, some people don't think the moon landing is real, but I've never heard of people not believing that astronauts exist. Yeah. That's, oh yeah. Like they're, maybe it's somebody who thinks that they're actors or something or that they've never yeah has no like if you think the moon landing is fake certainly you could think no one's ever gone to space yeah and like what if you were watching a commercial

like a dog food commercial or something and you saw commander chris hadfield acting in it and you'd be like holy shit he was an actor an actor. Yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. What is, because I would believe that if that actors, that they're actors and not real astronauts, if, has there ever been like

a really freaky astronaut who's come back and he's like so freaky and, oh, I guess there was an astronaut who drove across the country, but. Yeah.

Because when Chris Hatfield comes on and he's like, does his guitar thing, I'm like, okay, so it didn't fuck you up at all like being up okay i'm like a bit suspicious like i think he should say a couple weird things each interview that you're like have you heard his licks he's got some out of this world guitar licks space space rocket and i'm here to say i got a boogie woogie here and i'm on a plane it's not an airplane it's a space plane here i go and i'm touching fingers with a little scrotum man et

this is houston we didn't get any of that a little slower and it's a one giant leap for mankind and i've got space all over my mind i'm a boogie woogie man with a space mustache everybody knows that i love cold hard cash okay now oh there you go ended up somewhere weak and all uh this next one comes from alexa in montreal i went for a walk along the lachine canal and passed by a group of some university age guys and girls were leaning against the railing. As I walked past, one guy made a comment about how the girls might fall in.

One of the girls confidently said, Oh, I'd be fine. I'm three fourths a lifeguard. So, Oh, wow. Three fourths on my mother's side.

Sure. Yeah. I can almost, I can, Oh boy. I can nearly save someone who's drowning.'ll die yeah like i'll get so close yeah but you'll have hope for it right till the end yeah yeah yeah i will get tragically close and then i will make one really bad mistake knock them on the head with that flotation device i'll pull them out of the water start mouth to mouth but instead of breathing into their lungs i will just blow more water in there we're just keeping sucking air out of their lungs yeah fill my mouth with water before i

blow into it just pound on their groin one two three pound on their groin. One, two, three. Staying alive, right? Is this what you do? The right rhythm. It is the right rhythm. But it's the wrong pitch. You have to do the song the right way. You have to. You gotta.

That's how you know you're doing it right. This last one comes from Terrence right here in Vancouver. Hello. I was waiting at a crosswalk for light change next to a guy holding one of those mini watermelons and his two kids, probably four and six, the four year old had his jacket sort of falling off his shoulder and was flapping this leave around.

So the guy threatened, wear your jacket properly, or I'm going to roll this watermelon down the street like a bowling ball. Whoa. I mean, wear your jacket properly or i'm gonna roll this watermelon down the street like a bowling ball whoa i mean that's the one kind of threat you want to be able to follow up on uh that's the big the problem is that the threat sounds cool yeah the threat sounds cooler than just having a watermelon that's right and if that dad or whatever wants any of that watermelon at all he's he's it's a huge bluff. You know, like, if he follows through, he's disappointing himself a bit. Food is so expensive now, too.

I feel like this is a bad threat. If you don't behave, I'm going to roundhouse kick this watermelon into traffic. It is going to be so cool. Yeah, see that pylon sitting over there? We're going to knock that shit right over. I'm going to hit a bike in it smokes the guy's gonna go flying it'd be cool uh uh dave do we have any phoned in overheards oh baby baby that's what i like if you uh in addition overhears that are written, we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us.

Our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. Spy pod one like these people have. Hey, guys. This is Chelsea from Portland calling in with an overheard. I went to the doctor's for a checkup this morning, and they offer valet parking at the hospital.

They have you sign a slip. They keep half, you keep half, and when you are done at your appointment, they make sure they match. So when I retrieved my car, I handed the valet my slip, which happened to have my signature on it, and he said, that has your signature on it. You should destroy it.

I could do it for you, but I have so much stuff to destroy. That's all. I'm working on but I have so much stuff to destroy. That's all. I'm working on a universe that I'm trying to destroy. I'm trying to work on my relationship that I'm trying to destroy. Puny humans. Yeah. Have you guys ever used a paper shredder?

Yeah. It's the fucking most fun in the world. My parents had one. I think I stuck a full manual through it. For what? Oh, you know what? It was like, I love to shred tax shit before I need it. Like I'll like shred something. I'll be like, oh, that was a T4.

Fuck. And then I'll be like, where's your T4? I threw it away. Oh. So I think it was like a how to do your taxes manual I was like that's getting shredded that's stupid go on Judge Judy and shred your receipts right before you go on oh no no no

oh no she's gonna be so mad at me she's gonna tell me I peed on her and told her or something try to get the jury to reassemble them come on help me help me here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Julia from East Bay, California.

And my neighbor just asked me if I'd seen her cat. And I had not. And then she takes out her phone and said, well, I guess I just have to Ed Sheeran him. So she starts playing Ed Sheeran music and then her cat just comes out of the bushes. Apparently that cat comes whenever Ed Sheeran's

playing. Off I go. I also come when Ed Sheeran's playing. And here's your final phone call. Hi, David, Graham, and guest probs. This is Joel calling from Vernon, British Columbia. So I recently got into rock climbing, and I thought a good place to practice rappelling would be at a playground because it's safe

and would support my weight. And so I'm just finishing everything, and it worked well. And then suddenly the playground is just covered with kids. And as I'm packing up my stuff, the little girl above my head looks at me and says, we are children and we say you have to leave. And I thought that was very funny.

And then I left. Off I go. Asked and answered. I like that he said they're covered in children as if they were like flying ants that weren't supposed to be there. This playground's absolutely covered with children. I'm like, what's going on today? Is it like kids day at the playground?

Well, I do believe, I do declare that this is the uh oh you went in south vancouver yeah deep south vancouver um uh our guest uh has been so much fun to have here aaron hey what are you plugging that people maybe you want to see you're doing all sorts of stuff what what uh what would you like people to enjoy when's this when's this When's this hot comic come out? This is coming out Monday. Oh, this Monday? Yeah, man. Shit, dude. Okay, yeah, the Sunday

service is every Sunday. Could you do the Monday service? Yeah, okay, the Monday service is coming out. That's with me, Mo, Maureen, Molly, and Magoo. We all do our thing at a little cafe. Everyone hates it. No, yeah.

I also do Twitter. I'm at FreddyKurig. And I have Instagram, but I don't really use it a lot. And then if it's Monday, this might be out. I have a new i have a ep of music cool um yeah called uh called fred what's it called it's called rip freddy 1998 and it will be on a band

camp um hopefully by monday but it's now is it Freddie I.E. or why? Why? Because to give respect to the world's most powerful hell dream pedophile, Freddie Krueger. No, I don't want to give him respect. He's quite evil. But yeah, that'll be out. And that's on a band camp. out and that's on bandcamp

that's on my bandcamp what's your bandcamp address let me look up real quick here we go Aaron Reed I love it when you have to google things to find out yeah it's just Aaron Reed bandcamp.com and it'll come out yeah

I want to hear this I can't wait to hear some of my soul poetry. Love it. That's going to be great. Well, thank you so much for being our guest. Thanks for having me. Once again, thank you to all the people out there that participated in the max fun drive.

We are humbled and very appreciative of each and every one of you. And, uh, for the rest of you, you can go get bent. No, no, no,

no, no, no. Please take care of yourself. Take care of the other people's in your life. Take care of your apartment or house. Take care of your pets and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself. MaximumFun.org

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