Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 741 - Amber Harper-Young

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

Comedian Amber Harper-Young returns to talk slang, trampolines, and garage sales. Become a MaxFun member for $5/month to receive two bonus episodes per month, plus our 14-part Mr. Bean recap series, Bean There Done That.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 741 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark. And with me as always is somebody who's enjoying this kind of in-between spring, in-between summer, nice medium zone, Mr. Dave Schumpka. It's spring is what it's called. It's just spring. It's like a day where it's like, oh, it's a little bit nice out and then it's, oh, it's a little chilly. That's, that's not, yeah, it's a little bit nice out, and then it's, oh, it's a little chilly. That's just spring.

We've had a very, very cold and wet spring, but now it's just like spring, spring, and I'm out there, I'm loving it, I'm in my short shorts, I'm washing cars, I'm putting them on the glass. Dave washes so many cars in a day, it's crazy. Just up and down the street. Hey, can I wash your car?

I guess. I'm wearing cutoffs oh let me show me your where do you keep your big old hose uh it's over here it's just a regular it's just a regular hose it's not a sexual hose oh it's so juicy it shouldn't be um our guest this week uh returning guest to the podcast uh such a funny guest and she is very soon is gonna have an album out called drenched it's amber harper young i like how like this is a part where we just pretend that i didn't sweat for like 15 minutes straight trying to like do technology yeah Yeah. But you did it.

You beat technology at its own game. So two and a bit years into this pandemic and we're the only podcast that insists that the guests have never used a microphone before. Yeah. Yeah. We ask if you have access to one. Is this your first time? Don't take any instruction from anybody. Are you,

have you been on Zoom before? No? Great. Come aboard. I usually do like the, you know, I go from the diaphragm. I project. I don't use a mic. Like when I'm doing stand-up, I go, I don't need that. People love that. Yeah.

You got a nice voice. Carries all the way to the back. And you only do amphitheaters, right? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, your album was recorded at the Hollywood Mall. Do we want to get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us.

So you're drenched, Amber. Yeah, why drenched? And you're drenched Amber you're drenched in sweat right now I am exactly there's a lot of I think themes throughout the album relating to water whether it be the consumption of water

whether it be the crying of tear water the pissing of pee water or the um joining in um some activities in a pool yeah like is is there uh your hot tub water is that you have a joke about the hot tub situation it It's a public pool. Right, public pool. Okay. Yeah, so. What's it about?

Why are we tiptoeing around it? What's this joke about in a public pool? I don't want to give it away. It's like one of my best bits on the album. That's right. Yeah, don't give it away. You gotta listen and hear it. Okay, well, that album's called Drenched, and you can pick it up at all your favorite record shops.

Yeah, you could go. Yeah, exactly. You go A&B Sound, Sam the Record Man, HMV. The movie High Fidelity. Oh, sure. The movie High Fidelity, absolutely. About a Boy, perhaps. Yeah, sure.

Beeper Pitch, all the Nick Hornbees. So when you last joined us, it was before a pandemic. I think so. And how have you spent the last few years? Quietly, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, it's been more quiet, I noticed.

I've been working through the pandemic pretty much at my day job. I'm on a stress leave right now but this is pretty regular for my the type of work i do in the day so um yeah we had to do a whole bunch of um adapting at uh the downtown east side women's center we had to do you know as soon as we got like different mandates by the government of how we had to be we had to like re-systemize everything and adapt to that and you know you were an essential you're one of the essentials need to keep going yeah i was frontline and i actually just did a frontline show in toronto and they got it like they were like the material i have on that they were going bananas like it was my best crowd i've ever had and you were playing for a group of people

who were frontline yeah it was a frontline themed show um sabrina chavins i put it on and she's yeah she's super funny and she's a nurse and yeah yeah so um but i was like oh my gosh i have to do like a tour for like frontline or something because it was like the funnest it was literally the funnest crowd I was like you know when you like you don't hate people but like you they're like like you know and they were like yeah doing like I just I am like

she's saying it they were just like I was just riffing off of my material which the material is better especially for a regular audience but for them for them we got each other on a level that was like very beautiful like very like connecting and yeah it was it was pretty cool it was yeah you should uh if anybody out there is a frontline worker and knows uh a bunch of the same get in touch with amber harper young she wants to do a

show for you yeah there you go. See? We're picking up plugs. We're doing it. Oh, thanks. Oh, nice. Dave and I weren't essential. We were told specifically to stay away from things. Yeah, and even then, we were like, okay, we'll move the show online. And people were like, no, that's even not necessary.

We don't have to be in the same room. Yeah, I don't know. You shouldn't even be in the same room yeah i don't know you shouldn't even be on the same screen but you guys still did it and i i admire that yeah i admire that tenacity or tenacious we did it through the criticism yeah through the protests that's why they were in ottawa i keep wondering when we're gonna do it back in the studio again and then like there's either a new wave or like I'm sick right now and I

and I've tested negative every day I was sick three weeks ago and tested negative every day like I just keep getting colds now I can't be around people no and you're a people person you love being around people I love it I like to press

the flesh yeah you like to um you like to weave your way through a crowd of people in a theater sitting down oh yeah sure i go to all these parties at david bowie's house and just have you know a salad bowl full of cocaine i never heard press the flesh before i never heard that oh really it means shake hands yeah it's like politicians pressing the flesh yeah okay and like what's another one isn't like hit the rubbers not hit the road like when you're walking a lot what's that one called oh yeah you know it's not like hit the pavement, but it's like... Pound the pavement. Yeah, maybe it's pound the pavement. But also there's rubber.

I feel like there's one to do with the rubber of your shoe. Rubber shoeing? Yeah, a lot of shoe leather. Yes. Something. Have you learned any slang lately, Amber? Aside from press the flesh, do you have any new slang? Slang. Oh, yeah my my niece actually

taught me a slang i forgot um oh because i oh i can't remember the slang um what was it what did it mean you were you remember like what it meant it meant like cool like um i was like what's some new slang i would just asked her because she's like cool i'm like 18 so i was like what's some new slang i just asked her because she's like cool and like 18 so i was like and she she was telling me something like how to say cool like not not fab not like chill like like something like more current than that right and now and i forgot it so i'm officially uncool well yeah you know what you tried and that's uh that's all we ever ask is that you try to. This is not good. This is not a good start.

I'm afraid to ask somebody what slang there is, because I'm afraid they're going to set me up for a real big fall. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. Like, they'll tell you a wrong one. Yeah. But even like, even if you were using the correct slang, it would sound weird coming out of a man you're yeah it's like when bob hope used to dress up like a hippie and say groovy it offended everyone like if graham clark said lit all the time like that's lit that's lit you'd be like

let's stop using that word graham's found out about it. It's time to come up with a new word. Who is it? I was with somebody at the Winnipeg Comedy Fest. Slaying. Slaying? She's slaying. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She slays. Slay all day.

Yeah, slay all day. Oh, Graham and I are way up on that. Yeah, we love slaying. Excuse me. We also talked to your cousin and uh we got some good intel oh my god she's a prime person that makes me feel like the most uncool of my life yeah i'm who's the prime person that makes me feel the most uncool everybody probably yeah except quasimodo although i like you'd think that the you're like tiktokers would make me feel uncool but i actually see them and i think you know what i'm okay like these young kids doing stuff you know what it's pretty cringe

it's pretty cringe it's not fire at all not fire no uh it's full-on cringe yeah zero percent zero percent yeah sashay away but but i was like just told by like somebody because i did my first headlining set last night and um how'd it go it went awesome and i was just like holy shit like how'd this go so well yeah it doesn't usually go this well is this like a prank what's my first first time doing like 40 45 minutes in a comedy club so it was ever even pre-pandemic like i did um like co-features before okay or i opened for somebody on the road so like i opened for a headliner i had to do like 40 45 minutes before them but i never was the like me oh yeah yeah nice this is a one small

step for amber one giant leap for amber kind yeah but i brought that up for some reason i think it was relating to what you guys said but i can't remember now well you know my brain yeah it's a the first headlining set in a long time you do feel at any point did you feel like well i'm telling this joke not sure how the punchline goes like kind of thanks i don't i actually didn't no i didn't have that i i'm surprised like i'm surprised how well it was because like it went because, um, actually had just flown from Ontario that day. So like the night before I did a club in Oshawa. Oh,

that's the place. Oshawa. You got it. Before Oshawa was that weird tornado or whatever that, did you guys hear about that Ontario weird weather? Yeah. So you were there for it in Oshawa. Well, before Oshawa,

I was like running down Bloor Street after seeing like this warning on my phone and I was running like, and there was like all this insane wind and all this construction around, you know, Bloor and like, basically like Bloor and Bathurst area. And I just come from Oliquin. I was getting my sunglasses fixed

and you got that, you know, alert, like emergency. And I'm like, ah, and I still went from Oli Quinn. I was getting my sunglasses fixed. And you got that, you know, alert, like emergency. And I'm like, ah, and I still went to Oli Quinn. I got to get these sunglasses fixed. But then when I was running, like I had to run. Like it was like the wind was insane. It just like automatically like turned like from like super humid and hot to like dark. You could like touch the clouds, like almost like you feel like you could touch the clouds. They were so thick.

And then everyone was like ducking into the, but it got so windy. Like I thought we were going to get decapitated by like metal, metal signs and stuff. Yeah. And it was, it was so exciting. I thought I'm going to die here on Bloor Street.

This would be so cool. Yeah. Would you rather get decapitated or cut in half at the waist? You're going to die either way, but like you're going to die right away. I want to be decapitated because I like the idea of your head rolling around. Yeah. Flying into somebody else's head.

Yeah. Like, or like being like a ball, like it just gets to go wherever it wants. And it rolls into Ollie Quinn and they're like, here are your sunglasses. They set them on the head, yeah. Yeah, like I get my last wish. Yeah, yeah.

You've got to go with decapitation. No way, because if you... Honestly, though, like it's slaying. Slaying, yeah, slaying. Yeah, so now are you afraid of tornadoes? It's slaying. Slaying. Yeah. Slaying. Yeah. So now you afraid of tornadoes. Some people are afraid of tornadoes or some people are more hurricane people. I think a flood is one that I wouldn't. I wouldn't enjoy a flood the most, I think.

But tornadoes kind of. I love tornadoes. Yeah, me too. Like, I love Twister. Yeah, Twister is so good me too. I love Twister. Yeah, Twister is so good. I never saw it. You never saw it?

What? No. It's pretty good. There's a cow in it, right? It's a windy cow. That was the lead, the cow. Starring a cow and Bill paxton and helen hunt helen hunt and a very very annoying philip seymour hoffman i don't know what he was doing with that role but i love that you just said that like yeah and you don't care like people love that guy

yeah but you know they didn't love him in that movie, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I think people who love that guy aren't like, you know, because of Twister, I love him. I discovered it watching Twister. It turns out it's the tornado I like. I got confused. What are your experiences

firsthand? Have you ever been through a natural disaster aside from this windy time in Toronto? You're a city person right yeah i'm more like a city person even like the city i grew up in was like when i was growing up and it was like 80 000 people so it wasn't like a small town where's that uh brantford brantantford, home of Edmonton, Euler's Tard, Wayne Gretzky. Is that right? And you know what? Like, okay, I'm just going to yell for a second

because everyone's all like Gretzky, as soon as they find out about Brantford. But it's like Alexander Graham Bell is also from there. Like he invented something we use and keep in our pocket like every day, you know, like, and everyone's all like Gretzky. And that guy just looked in the glass that was his big secret he just looked in the glass like a rearview mirror who did wait what are you talking about that's all that was his big secret that's he wasn't that good he just looked in the glass he's laying yeah and he saw

the people behind him and then he moved. But like... What? Well, good for him, though. Everyone else gets to look in the same glass. Dave, is this a correct thing? I've never heard this thing before. So, like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off, but I just... I want to explain this. So, like, the East Coast people, they'll come at me and they'll be like,

yeah, whatever, Gretzky. Alexander Graham Bellbell not gretzky no one cares about him um uh is uh alexander granbell is like ours like he was on the east coast like he did the experiments here he lived here and like you guys try and take credit i'm like you guys already live on the ocean. What's Brantford, Ontario have besides hockey? Just give it to us. Do you really want Alexander Graham Bell that badly? I mean,

over a hockey star, maybe? He's always been kind of border... Isn't he actually Scottish? He is. I think he might be. He lived in Canada, but I think he's actually.

Dave, I'm not talking to you anymore. Dave debunks the whole thing and I'm just like. Well, only one of them married Janet Gretzky. So that's a point in favor of Wayne. Get beautiful hairdo, inspired a nation. I mean, I don't know.

Like I'm just really frustrated with Canada's obsession with hockey. I think it's like messed up. And you think not enough of us are obsessed with our phones. I guess that's what you're saying. Why, what do you, what would you prefer Canada be focused on if not for hockey

not for hockey what do you think should be taking that place in the brains of Canadians um anything I don't know yeah I guess I'm just frustrated with the fact that everyone knows

that Gretzky is from Brantford and not many people know that Alexander Graham Bell visited there once You better watch it I've been watching a lot of hockey and I don't know if they just made it they licensed it for Canada or they licensed it for hockey, but there's just a ton of gambling in hockey now.

And like every there's, uh, commercials for gambling in every commercial break there's in the actual broadcast themselves. It'll be like, here's what you should bet on today. Right. Yeah. And Wayne Gretzky has his own betting commercial. So you should be proud. But his secret is he just looks in the reflection of the glass. Yeah, he didn't even have skills.

Like, that's all he was doing. Calling Gretzky out. I think I'm just mad because like, and this has nothing to do with Gretzky. So I'm sorry, Gretzky. i like i think i think i'm just mad because like and this has nothing to do with gretzky so i'm sorry gretzky i don't know why i'm just frustrated like every time i stand from branford someone in the audience like gretzky you know might be his dad you know i think i'm actually mad because of the maple leaves because I watched my grandfather watch the maple leaves lose for thousands of years. Yeah, that's right. Since

Jurassic era. So yeah, I guess maybe I have to talk to my therapist about this. Yeah, okay. Well, no, you could just keep talking to us about it. Well, what else is going on? on yeah what else is in the news um but you've been zip zapping all over the country doing doing shows been doing getting around yeah you've been getting around

everybody that's why everybody says it um and you okay like Because you've been a frontline worker. So you've had a mask on all day, every day kind of thing. So flying's no trouble. Oh, yeah. That's baked in. Yeah, it doesn't even bother me. I like to wear a lighter mask, like the medical one, just so it's not feeling a little claustrophobic on the plane or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I tried flying with one of those n95 deals and who is that uncomfortable it was really strapped tight to your face so i like the medical ones as well like yeah they're more like if you have a long like it like when i go to get a massage i'll wear one of those like i won't wear one of my cloth ones because it's like thinner so it feels like you can breathe better. How many massages are you getting? Two. That's in your lifetime?

I'm trying to get one massage seasonally. For a year? For hockey season. Gretzky! Bradford, home of the massage. So for a year? For a year. For hockey season. Great ski. Woo. Bradford, home of the massage. But you guys find out I'm actually obsessed with him.

Like I go to athletic massage. You guys find out I actually like, I put on, when I come home, I put on his jersey. Just pictures of him all over your wall. Drinking his wine Like my lips in the mirror Yeah while I'm like drinking his wine Oh god

Have either of you ever been in one of those Physiotherapy ice baths Like the athletes do Have you ever been No I haven't I once did like a spa where you go into like different pools And one was like cold water No But it wasn't pools and one was cold water. But it wasn't ice.

That's fine. Cold water is its own. I heard something very funny happened in a public pool. Nah. Not that funny. Okay. You said it was one of the best bits. I'm just trying to dissuade him. Okay, fine.

No, but like this place, it was called Body Bliss. It was so good. You went like in a steam room. You went in like a jacuzzi. You went in like a pool full of green tea. What the hell? You went in like a cold water one. You went in a salt water one.

Cool. Yeah, I think there was another sauna like a wood sauna too and you also get a massage as part of this uh for the spa day no i think if you got a massage your heart would actually stop so relaxing um i i don't know what it is it's like some old tiny thing of like a princess getting ready to be married. But I'm just imagining like, I feel like I've seen something with someone in a bath that's just like fresh milk with rose petals on. Oh, yeah. That sounds nice. I would do that.

Yeah, yeah. Totally. You're standing there like filling it up with cereal. Just so many cartons of milk. Have you done an ice bath graham i did uh like a one leg in one leg out and it's the hokey pokey yeah it's so cold and they were like you'll get used to this never did it was so cold the whole time it. I saw this thing online about how the CIA has a special training that they, I don't know if it's training, but it's in some kind of CIA manual that if you are experiencing a pain,

you focus on that part of your body that's experiencing the pain, and you repeat the numbers five five five one five okay and then like a like a sega code i yeah i guess it five five one five five five five one five and then you have to say Sega after and you have to say Sega coffee tea yeah yeah I was just trying to like recall why those first you're good that's

that's a brain on you the you did Graham you once did what was it where you go into like a float thing. Have you ever done that? Like floating in the pod kind of? With

sensory deprivation? Sensory, yeah. You ever done that ever? No? Yeah, I did. And I have this loser story to tell you about it. Yes, please. Because I am a large L, capital L here. So I was having like anxiety. So I'm like, like okay I'm gonna do try this float tank

and my friend like I don't know his name uh because it's not really my friend he just like hooked me up he hooked me up I was doing this comedy show and he's like I can hook you up with a free float and I'm like cool um I really need to chill and so he has like no shoes on and he has like a, like a drug rug or whatever, like one of those ponchos. He's like a pure straight up hippie, right? Like his name was like,

you know, like Bob Hope. Yeah. Like sage or something. And I was just like, okay. So he's like, just get in.

If any of the, it's saltwater. So that's why you float. Right. So he's like, if anyone gets in your eyes, like just, you can come outside the coffin. So that's why you float, right? So he's like, if anyone gets in your eyes, like just you can come outside the coffin because it's like a closed coffin thing.

You just open this latch door, you get in. And so I get in and he's like, doesn't tell me there's like this piece like jutting out of the end of the coffin. In the water, I start to to relax i start to lie back and flow and then this this piece of something like plastic or whatever like skims my fucking forehead and i i lose my mind i go i start i start splashing in the water i'm putting it in my eyes down in my mouth going down my throat like i'm like i can't see i start i have to do like

the exorcist crab walk to the like because i can't see to the the flap door which is so small in the coffin i'm like i can't get i can't like i'm feeling to try to get out and my eyes are burning and then i'm just like getting to the oh there's also water i can drink there so i get my head i just get my head out and i'm spraying my eyes i'm like oh god oh god i'm spraying my eyes i'm like drinking the water but i'm also drinking salt because there's already salt in my mouth and it's all dripping like down the back like you know like well post nasal drip yeah and i i'm just like i i'm in colonna but and i didn't do cocaine but it feels like it you know as is their custom in colona and then you know i realized after that like i just got out like

almost immediately and then he's like oh that was short and i'm like whatever sage and i was just like pissed at him like i was mad because he didn't tell me that the thing was jutting out and yeah you gotta get that jet warning after that i realized i can't relax relax like i i realize i have problems yeah i like i did it as well and i found it uh immediately the most unrelaxing thing in the world like it's claustrophobic and i wasn't floating correctly i kept ping-ponging off of the two sides. Yeah, I was miserable. I got out of there.

Oh, no, they said they would come in and get me after a certain amount of time. And then the guy just forgot. So I was in there for over an hour and a half. And you were like, am I dead? Yeah, I might be dead. I wish I could run up against a jutting flap. Just let me know I'm here. I don't know.

Wait, so, sorry, you said you couldn't float correctly, and then I laughed really hard, but I didn't hear what you meant. You're supposed to be able to just lie still, but I kept drifting to the right, and then drifting, kind of bouncing off the two sides and it sucked it sucked it wasn't relaxing but I also don't find a massage relaxing

that's something that I can't do I don't like thinking what the person's thinking they're probably thinking yuck yeah yuck pudding skin this is weird to touch they're probably thinking, yuck. Yeah. Yuck. Pudding skin. This is weird. If anything, they're probably thinking like, oh, like, what should I pick up for dinner tonight?

Like, you know, like they're not. And then they look at your back and they're like, chicken. Chicken in this little section down here. Roast beef around the neck you do have ham neck yeah i do have ham neck that's why i grew my hair long so you can't yeah i was like i never saw your neck so i don't know yeah he's been diagnosed with severe ham neck i'm afraid to tell you sir but your skin is like ham oh my god I also got double sunburn

just recently so I got I got bacon shoulders what's double sunburn so like I had like a tank top like what I'm wearing now and then I just for the listener we're all wearing tank tops we're all wearing tank tops

and no pants now and then I just for the listener we're all wearing tank tops we're all wearing tank tops we're all wearing no pants and mine says billabong on it mine says gretzky but you can't see mine just says tank top it's from it's no name brand from superstore

it's yellow with black writing. So I was in LA like two days ago, two months ago. I didn't get a sunburn. And then I go to friggin Ontario and I got sunburned immediately. So I put sunscreen all over my body because I'm like the whitest, palest person. I have to put like a 50 like head to toe love 50 big big 50 guys well i just right by my straps i didn't get around the straps properly or your straps move right and then they rub it off so i got two like bacon strips like slung over each shoulder right of like burn and then i i waited and i tried to like deal with it and i'm pretty good at

dealing with it because like i get burnt quite frequently and then i went out again and i got the same exact bacon strip burn that's a double sunburn double sunburn i wish i could taste it why they don't i don't eat bacon, but I still crave it. So maybe it's... You think that maybe your burnt skin tastes like bacon. You want to... Yeah. No, it just looks like bacon too much.

It's quite tempting. Yeah. I can see it. I can see the burn. Yeah. I don't know. It's not focusing properly. Oh, is that what you're trying to show us? Oh, yeah. Just getting up and walking away. Oh, yeah. I can see. I can can't it's not focusing oh is that what you're trying to you're trying to show us just getting up and walking yeah i can see i can see

that's not necessary we believe you yeah i uh i slather well as much as i possibly can go through several uh bottles of sunscreen over the summer yeah not me man i hate it i hate sunscreen yeah you don't like sunscreen you just wear a big floppy hat everywhere you go. I will, if I'm doing an outside event, if we're at the beach, I'll put on sunscreen. But if I'm just going place to place on a sunny day,

yuck, I don't want that stuff on me. Yeah, I slap it on no matter what, every time I leave the house. I'd rather be sunburned. Every time. Wow. That's a bold move. It is a bold move.

I wear nice linen-y flowing clothes. He's like Dr. Moreau. Yeah, that's like Dr. Moreau. I wear a beekeeper's outfit. Yeah, that's a good look for summer lots of good breeze through the mask right could you have gotten away with

going in places wearing a beekeeper's helmet and saying that that counts as a mask probably right yeah at this point I think that's a face shield it's basically a face shield right yeah but only from bees anything you get in except bees wasps, spiders a face shield it's basically a face shield right yeah but only from bees that's the other anything

you get in except bees wasps spiders they can all get it um are you a are you a beach person at all do you go do you hang out the beach during the summer or poolside or are you a summer activities person at all i like to be outside but i don't like really to be on the beach because I'm quite anxiety filled about the sun right so yeah I'll go I went like there's a really hot period of last summer where like it was really hot you remember yeah it's like two or three days it was like and I can never usually go in the ocean I'm usually too it's too cold for me right like and um i can never usually go in the ocean i'm usually too it's too cold for me right so

i've i've just i was in there i was like shocked that i was in there yeah i was like that's how hot it was but um yeah i like hiking i like being in the shade hiking or like you know playing sports or you know in the shade also is this your tinder? Don't tell my boyfriend. Everyone likes hiking. I love hiking. I love nature. It's the best. Name 50 birds.

Oh, I actually just noticed some different ones that are in Ontario. Okay, here we go. We saw this one it's called the baltimore baltimore oreo and it's orange it's so beautiful it's oreo or oreo oreo oreo you eat no um and it's got like a black wing with like a white couple stripes it but did you happen to see this bird at a toronto blue jays game and uh yeah you see blue jays and cardinals all the time in ontario and like we don't have like super colorful birds like that out here oh wow no we got so we got prime pigeons i've seen pigeons

in other cities and they suck but the pigeons here oh yeah to love. Our pigeons are nice. There's a bird flu happening. People have been warned to take down their bird feeders. Oh yeah, that's right. I think the warning I heard was if you have multiple bird feeders, make sure they are far enough apart. I don't know

how it's being spread. My parents have a bird feeder and it's just like the most popular bird feeder i've ever seen in my life it's rag a lot and my parents are like we just we have for some reason we got this big bag of bird seed and we do not like this bird feeder but we got to get rid of the seeds somehow so once the seeds gone the feeder's gone yeah just at like the next uh family dinner they just have a bowl of seeds on the table salad make them crunchy um yeah there's bird flu and then there's monkey pox is the other one that it's hitting the ground running. So I heard the headline I saw today was that it had been contracted from sex at a rave in Europe. This is great.

This is so well, then we're all we're all going to get it then. I might not even go to my next rave. I'm not going. I'm not going to Burning Man. No, I'm just going to North American sex raves for now. Just to be safe. Yeah, you have to show your passport to get in.

The NASR. North American sex rave. Sex rave, yeah. Cut to six months from now and we're all we're all there I thought you were coming no I'm saying six months from now

there's a giant monkey pox pandemic and we're all exactly well I never should have made that joke I don't even get what it is

it's like it's like chicken pox but monkier. Like sillier. Yeah, a little sillier. A bit more curious. Chickens are so serious. Yeah.

Chickens are pretty serious. I've never seen one smile. I know. They are. They're pretty stern. Yeah, they do. They always look very severe, those chickens. Probably because they know what's coming.

Why should they be happy? You know? Oh, my gosh. I hope they don't. Yeah. Yeah. I hope they don't do. I kind of suspect something's up, though, with all the.

Do any of them know? They might know for a second. Like cows don't know. Cows don't know. Oh, do any animals them know they might know for a second like cows don't know cows don't know do any animals yeah but that's because cows don't talk to one another that's like deer deer i guess i'm deer no because that's why they're running away from me deer are so skinny like they gotta eat something yeah i've never seen a like heavier no heavier deer that's funny have either of you ever seen a moose in real life yeah in real life no

i saw so much so many deer but no moose no moose either yeah it's It's like. Oh, yeah. Maybe it's Canadian. Yeah, it's supposed to be Canadian, but I don't know anybody who's seen one. And, you know, they rule. As far as I can tell, I've seen pictures. I watch a boat. But yeah, I was supposed to be famous for moose. I've seen a beaver. I've seen beavers build a dam.

I've seen that. Yeah. But have you guys seen a beaver i've seen beavers build a dam i've seen that yeah but uh have you guys seen plenty of canada geese yeah canada geese the greatest of the birds the friendliest nicest coolest bird there is out there um what was i gonna ask something about raves anyways it's lost to time now i remember them being so popular like right around the the early 2000s seemed to be like the the peak of rave culture yeah but when the pants were their biggest yeah yeah big pants glow sticks uh like the sunglasses that were just had yellow lenses yes or just any color lenses but wouldn't necessarily work against the sun

no they're for nighttime yeah yeah sure would you say that go the movie go is the official kind of movie of raves is there another one that's more like a rave? 24 hour party people? That sounds like it might have been a rave movie. That sounds like a rave movie. Do you think they still have raves and we're just not invited? Is that possible?

They're getting monkeypox out. They have raves, but they don't call them raves anymore. They call them parties. They call them parties. What do they call raves? They don't call them raves anymore. They call them parties. They call them parties. Well, what do they call raves? They don't. It's uncool to say that. Big surprise.

This is the only thing I know about coolness. Someone was like, at one point, they're like, it's not called rave. You sound old when you say rave. And you're like like but i am old and i'm like but i i went to them when they were called that yeah now you're new and i guess they still do molly see i know that's the updated term yeah but i think molly's different though too like i think ecstasy and molly are different oh yeah yeah i'm gonna do a taste test and see ecstasy and Molly are different. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm going to do a taste test and see. Ecstasy was the one where you would, from all accounts, you would chew through your lip. So that's why people had pacifiers.

Oh, yeah. It would make you grind your teeth. Yeah. And it would make you very amorous, according to my college roommate. Did your college roommate say amorous? He said, no, he's talked about, well, like, I could talk about it all right now, but let's just say a little something happened at a public pool. I knew you were going to say that.

Gotta hear this joke. You know what? I'll be the first in line to get drenched. Oh, my gosh there was like a lot of controversy over the title which by controversy i mean like two people were kind of annoyed that i didn't name it the name of that joke okay right i almost said it's good and then you can tell people to get drenched that's a that's a fun tagline. Get drenched. It means so many things. It means like, you go piss on yourself.

Yeah. Yeah, it does that. It means other things too, but you know, we'll leave it. Yeah, sure. Just ask your friend about a rave. He'll tell you the rest. He'll fill you in. Dave, what's going on with you my friend

well my friend um i don't think i talked about this but a couple weeks ago my kids they had two weeks of school they're in uh kindergarten and grade two okay uh and for two weeks the school didn't have gym class they just had uh a dance company come in and teach everyone dance routines. Huh. That sounds like a lot of fun. I love that. Yeah. Yeah.

And then we were like, we weren't given any details and we were kind of like, we didn't know if we'd be able to see them dance. Like we thought maybe it was, you know, with COVID restrictions. Right. They were just going to like videotape it and send us a link. Right. But they like separated the school out into smaller groups or like the parents out in smaller groups. So not everyone came at the same time. And so the kids just did their dances multiple times.

So did any of them end in the word pokey? Was there, well, it reminded me, I was like, in my day, we had to do square dancing in gym class. We did too.

It's so fun. I loved it. Alan and left. Yeah. And you all promenade with the sweet corner maid singing, oh, Johnny, oh, Johnny, oh. Thank God. But so we show up in the gym and the principal comes out and announces like the kids, you know, these kids all work so hard. So make sure you clap for them.

Like, yeah, of course we will. like uh the kids you know these kids all work so hard so make sure you clap for them like yeah of course we will this is this is why we had kids so we could see them dance yeah yeah one dude's there like was ready to heckle too slow too slow keep time better um so we come out like the first uh one of the grades comes out i think it was like grade one maybe, and they do a dance to Ice Ice Baby. Nice. And so the way it was set up is like there was a dance routine that everyone did. Yeah. Every grade in the middle of the song, kids would have the option, like all the dancers, the whole class would like move to the side and then kids would run into the middle and like do a solo. Like if a kid, and every kid got to just choose their solo.

A lot of kids just decided not to do one. Yeah, that would have been bad. Or some kids like did it in a group of three or four and like some kids could break dance and stuff cool uh and it was great and then there was one grade i think like before when the principal came out and announced the like oh coming up uh divisions 10 and 11 from grade three and i would always whisper to Abby ooh they're good ooh I've heard they're really good yeah they've been practicing all year and if you're wondering what's cool among grade 3

kids dabbing is still very much in because there was I think it was grade 3 where in the breakdown in the middle where everyone did their own solo dance. You knew their little solo dance was over because they all dabbed.

Oh. That's how they all finished? That's how they all finished, yeah. There wasn't, when I was a youngster, there was nowhere to learn break dancing. That was, it was in Calgary, Alberta. It was the streets yeah but our streets were pretty gritty from uh the gravel and salt that they put down every year um but yeah i i think i thought break dancing was the coolest thing in the world but you you would need somebody experienced to kind of guide you through it because otherwise you'd snap your neck right away yeah snap your

neck doing the robot you're just doing that running thing where you're skipping back and forth you're just I learned how to do a little break dancing oh yeah I think I can do a stall is that where you go up on is that when you just are killing time waiting yeah yeah i'm like watch guys and then we just like stare at each other what is the stall is it something where you're like i know kind of like a handstand but you use your body uh like use your elbow like underneath the middle of your body i think my elbow would snap immediately and everybody and then you use like one hand like you're doing a handstand but then you use the other one underneath your body and you put your legs up and you twist them like back and forth

you can do that i think so how long can you do it for do you just go back and forth for i don't know you want me to try and see if i can do it yeah yeah here we go okay for the home listener she's taking off her headphones off she means business oh we cannot that was really bad but it was basic the basics of it yeah you got it bad but it was basic the basics of it yeah you got it and from our vantage point it was uh we just saw nothing and then we saw two legs come up but we'll take your word for it i am like actually really excited right now that i just did that i was like whoa when did you when was the last time you did it oh like when i was in grade 12 probably okay cool two years yeah so tomorrow i'm gonna be like oh my arm what was i doing oh yeah breakdowns

oh yeah that weird stall my cardboard out on the floor oh i remember my big piece of linoleum. Why is my neck snapped? When I move my neck like this, nothing happens because I'm paralyzed. Doctor, I've been noticing a little bit of tingling nowhere. Oh, geez. Yeah, will I be able to play the piano anymore? No. No, absolutely not.

The other thing that is going on is, so it's a long weekend here right now. Oh, hell yeah. I keep forgetting. So we've been taking the kids, trying to keep them occupied, and for weeks they've been wanting to go to Trampoline Land. Yeah, them and me both. Holy shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is not the name of a place, but we, we just call it that. Uh, but like an, in one of those indoor trampoline parks,

I bet you so many people get shocks. That's like, I feel like central. If you're all trampoline all the time, you'd just be, you could give, they give you special socks anti-shock socks okay i actually don't know if they're anti-shock but they also

like why do they give you return them or these are no they're your socks uh if you lose them and if you lose them you have to pay five dollars to get more while you so like the garbage can there is just filled with they come in a little wrapper and the garbage can is filled with the wrappers and then a lot of just socks that people threw out at the end yeah because well what are they rubber or something they have a little silicon grip on the bottom okay okay so we went there uh and it was a very sunny day. So we were like, Oh great. No one will be there. And we were pretty much right. Um, smart,

smart. And we, uh, it's, but it's just like your body. If you jumped on a trampoline as a kid and then took 25 years off, your body cannot handle it. Like you,

the, uh, an adult's vertebrae are, are like, get way more compressed when you jump the kids i guess yeah and also like uh trying to double jump or uh crack the egg with another adult oh yeah i forgot about crack the egg and there were so many like there even there were like 10 year olds who were like oh my bad my bad. I'm too old for this man.

An old man touching his lower back, like on the back pain medication box. Like just 10 year olds like that. Yeah. But it's so adorable. Yeah. It was fun. And then we, our kids were like about half an hour in, I was getting bored and they were getting bored. And I was like, maybe I'll just go get some food and come back.

And then, then they discovered that there was this other area that had those big inflatable balls that you can like put yourself in. Like. Oh, like you roll down a hill or whatever. Yeah. But you are bump into each other with. Sure. Oh, yeah. Okay.

And so there was an area that had those, but our kids are too small to like walk around with them on, but they were like, okay, we'll go inside and we'll hold on tight. And you just roll us around. Wow. Fun. It was so fun for them. And it was so painful. Like it was like half an hour of just me and Abby rolling around giant balls.

It was like I was soaked. I was drenched by the end of it. Yes. Another plug coming out soon. Yeah. It was like I it was so much effort to like push these balls you know there's these ramps up the side and they try to make them roll and so the kids spin out but you don't want them to spin upside down because the kids will you know fall out on their heads

what they can fall out of them yeah oh my Oh my gosh. And I, yeah, I was like, oh, this is hard. But I'm like, I had my kids at, in my mid thirties, but there's people who have kids in their like late forties. What are they doing? Like they're cheering their kids on from the side. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Roll yourself around.

You got to learn independence somehow. So get in there play your 10 year old you know what when i have more kids in 10 years i'll i'll do it that way yeah my second round well that's that's why i'm trying to do stalls because you never know what if i change my mind and i want kids in a couple years like i gotta be in shape i gotta be able to do breakdancing yeah that's true you gotta get them early what are the like do you

cause I played hockey this year and all year long I was like okay I'm so tired I'm so tired by like 10 minutes into the game oh certainly by the end of the year I'll be able to play myself into shape never played myself into shape can you breakdance yourself into shape yeah shape yeah break dancers are like they're in in good condition you know yeah but can you do it just through break dancing or do you have to like go to the gym

oh like workout and then break dance you probably have to do like a lot of things like stretch and do cardio and oh yeah yeah you gotta find out bandanas you gotta tie different bandanas around yeah pole dancing pole dancing is a very good workout i hear oh yeah i do that several times a week i go to a pole dancing studio and uh you know different songs. You know, Fiona Apple's debut song. Criminal? Yeah. Wait, what song of hers? What was it called?

Criminal? Yeah, that's the one. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's what I pole dance to. It's my signature song. And then I end it with the Star Trek theme song, and I kind of do a Vulcany thing with my legs.

Oh, shit. with the Star Trek theme song and I kind of do a Vulcany thing with my legs. I guess I can picture that. Are you upside down at that point? Yes, yes. I've been thinking lately, like I talk about, because I used to be a strip club waitress, so I talk about that on stage and I've been thinking lately

of doing an act of the worst striptease ever and it's like like you know when you pull your body along with just your arms and you drag your legs behind you like in a horror movie like just being like you guys want to see and like then just doing like this totally like repulsive the whole time she's like this is gonna i'm gonna get such a rash from doing this yeah oh that's funny uh i'm surprised you haven't done it you've got 45 minutes to fill oh my gosh i have more than 45 minutes. I learned last night. So that was amazing.

I mean, I can like get rid of all my old joke, my, you know, not as good ones. Yeah. Yeah. I remember I,

I, my first 45 minutes that I did nine five minute sets to start my career. And then I just combined them all into one big 45 minutes. And that was a serious. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm so mad. I was in and all into one big 45 minutes. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh my God. I'm so mad at you. I was in and out of comedy in six weeks.

I'm so mad at you. No, I never did that. I don't think I ever did above like 25 minutes. Oh, I thought you were like just one of these people who is really simple for them. And I was like, oh my gosh. No. I never wrote more than a 15 second joke.

Was there anything like that trampoline place when you were a kid, Amber? Was there like, I didn't feel like they were around when I was a kid. Well, I was talking to a comic actually when we were driving to Oshawa, the Oshawa club to do. Shout out. Just, yeah, this is to Oshawa, the Oshawa Club to do. Shout out. Just, yeah, this is where my career is, guys. We were talking about how, remember when Canada's Wonderland first came out? And it was this huge deal. And there was no-

Is it like an amusement park? Oh, yeah. You guys don't know because you're West Coasters. That's right. So Canada's Wonderland is this big amusement park. Oh yeah. You guys don't know. Cause you're West coasters, but like, so Cam's winter lands like this. Yeah. Big amusement park, but like the biggest Canada had. And,

um, it was like super, super big deal back then. But like, there was nothing surrounding it. Like there was no homes or anything. It was on its own. Right.

And then the drive felt so long. And it's like, now I do like drives like that like times a hundred like because you're on that you're on the road and you're just like you know it takes forever to get a place but now there's all this development around like canis wonderland and also i used to love amusement parks but now the last time i went to uh what's the one called here playland playland yeah yeah yeah i got i got whiplash oh shit oh yeah wooden roller coaster i went on the wooden roller coaster and it was like

so fun but and then i went on the one i think it's called the matahorn oh yeah yeah and my Disneyland my long limbs were like just whipping around. Like I got this like long, crazy draft neck and it just couldn't take it. Yeah. I've also suffered injuries doing rides and or go karts. I've definitely like, yeah, because you're it's the same thing with your old back, your old neck. You can't handle being flung around we the place uh that had the trampoline park they also had a we've we've gone to a climbing gym before for the kids uh but in

in this park that had the the trampoline land or in this like sort of industrial park they had an ice rink they had a movie theater they had uh laser tag okay so and they had and they had a bowling alley and they had um an old spaghetti factory and then oh really yeah and then right next to it is just like a pipe fitter like they're the one thing that's in this industrial park. That's not fun. Yeah, sure. Um,

did you go to the spaghetti factory? Oh, I wish. Yeah, man, that place, that place is so cool. I know,

man, I've been in decades, but I'd love to go. Yeah, I never, I don't think they existed in Calgary. And if they did, my parents kept it an excellent secret. Why?

Because isn't it supposed to be, like, not good or something? I don't know. When I had it, it was fine. And it was bottomless. You could use as much spaghetti as you want. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, it's rules.

It's got those cool overhead table lamps that are like stained glass yeah nice yeah yeah yeah it's a place it's a place to meet friends yeah i went once and i was like this tastes like spaghetti i can make yeah it's really like an achievable goal yeah really kind of like maybe I should start a restaurant. I think they get their like ragu in a jar. Like, I think that's their sauce. Yeah.

Yeah. It's, it feels like, yeah, maybe you go in there and it's all just teenagers. My kids get, they get hot lunch at school occasionally. And the pizza that they get at school is from boston pizza and they say

it is the best pizza we've ever had yeah oh wow and we get like i love pizza and i get pizza all the time from so many different places and they're like no no no boston pizza that's the one pizza i wonder though if it's because of the situation they're in like they're at school I wonder though if it's because of the situation they're in. Like they're at school and then they're having pizza halfway through the day. They're probably dabbing while they eat. That was amazing. They're doing like weed dabs? Is that what you mean?

No. The breakdance move. Because that would make the pizza taste way better. That's true. Yeah. My kids do not do weed dabs. They strictly do edibles um graham what's going on with you um a couple of things uh it's spring it's not quite summer but garage sales officially uh sprung garage sales season is open and I'm

ready for it. So now you have a car you could load up a lot more. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go from neighborhood to neighborhood discover all the cool garage sales that I never could before and fit more stuff in on the way back. Absolutely. If I see an armoire that I like I can take that

or When did you get the car is it has it been a year yet uh it's yeah almost been a year but we didn't have it for last garage sale season i think i was still on foot um but uh it's gonna rule i've already had some pretty good successes so far um because, you know, some garage sales are just, it's just literally junk. Like, it's just, you know, a broken lamp or some sort of, like, jar of screws. And then, you know, terrible books that nobody ever wants to read. You know, something for dummies or something like that.

But I went to one. There was they were selling a bunch of cool stuff. I got some toots. I got toots and there was a motorcycle for sale. Oh, I was so tempted.

500 bucks for a motorcycle. That's pretty good. Oh my goodness did it run? was that a Yamaha? I didn't ask if it could run because that would have pushed me farther down the line of trying to buy this motorcycle so I just assumed

that it didn't work and that's why it was so cheap but yeah and then I out of the four that I went to only one was a dud so it's i got something for where do you find these do you are they on craigslist are they uh yes you see signs you can find what you know the general neighborhood that they're in then you go to the neighborhood and then there's signs everywhere that kind of guide you at all every

time it feels like somebody's guiding you into a trap, there's sign after sign after sign, and nobody's around. Is there a best neighborhood for it? There are places where people don't have garages. Yeah, any place that has an apartment building where everybody has contributed, like it's a multi-unit yard sale, those are key. key also any church garage sales are pretty awesome because there's a you know some really vintage stuff um but yeah

and then you know like uh i got a pair of jeans for a dollar what yeah that's amazing yeah when i said to the lady i was like how much and she she really hummed she was like hmm a dollar does that sound fair like imagine i tried to talk her down from a dollar i'm thinking 25 cents and everywhere it's it's weird because literally every business that used to be cash only now has an iPad that you pay on. Yeah. But these are still cash only, I'm assuming. Yeah, this is still a cash endeavor. And like you say, now that there's a car to tote stuff around, I'm going to go big.

I'm going to go in the rich neighborhoods. I'm going to go to the rich neighborhoods. I'm going to go in the poor neighborhoods. I'm going everywhere. I want to see. You could be like Robin Hood and buy from the rich and have my own garage sale for the poor. Yeah, sell to the poor. You should do like journalism from the garage sales.

Oh, like, yeah, to create kind of this is my experience in the garage sale world. Yeah. Well, first you have to go to journalism school. Okay. No, you don't. I say you don't have to. Oh, yeah. This would be something for advice.

But I don't get, I don't get degrees. Yeah. Yeah. My D's didn't get degrees. Same joke, same time. Yeah. Thanks. That's how I'll sync up these tracks when I edit it.

So is there, do you have, do you have like something you're looking for? No, that's the thing. It's my golden rule is you can never have an idea of what you want because it'll just lead to disappointment. Oh. What's the best thing you've ever found? And don't say $1 jean. A pair of $3 jeans. I got this really cool wooden ashtray stand

that you would have used in the 40s and 50s. And then a little ashtray in it. Use it for keys. It's one of my favorite things that i've ever got from uh from garage sale and then some things you know you get them and then the second you get home you're like ah the hell did i buy this piece of crap you already have five of these yeah you collect ashtrays yeah yeah yeah it, that's the kind of stuff you get if it's, uh, like a senior citizen is putting on the garage sale,

you get a lot of ashtrays, you get a lot of kind of, um, pins. I feel like seniors are big on pins, badges, um, you know,

maybe some vinyl, but not great vinyl, a lot of Nana, Muscuri, uh, yeah. Uh, Leon Sayre

these are some of the tops of the pops of the garage sale what did Leo Sayre sing? isn't he you make me feel like dancing oh gotta dance the night away that's right

but yeah so it's started I'm ready for it every weekend is spoken for garage sale every weekend is there like are they are they all like have are there diehards that hit these places up early yeah are garage

sales dead by 10am no those people suck and they're only there to try and find like rare collectibles or you know big clunky things that you would be able to buy at like home depot or something like that every ad says no early birds nobody is encouraging these people to show up before or right as soon as the garage sale what is the usual time to start nine eight nine or ten are the usual sometimes 11 but yeah i say

like do they ever have like uh barbecue going sometimes and oh yeah or sometimes uh an enterprising kid might have a you know a tub of single sodas that you could have okay not lemonade not a lemonade stand no like this is just like something to keep the kids busy. Give them a, yeah, give them an ice box and let them. How much for a soda? Hmm. Let's see. This soda?

$1. $1? That's outrageous. I could pay $1 for a pair of pants. that's outrageous I could pay one dollar for a pair of pants the kids also

if you don't want a soda you can put you can hokey pokey your legs in and out of that icebox that's true what's wrong

with your leg Greg that you need to ice it it was a long time ago but my knee was all kind of

messed up oh but now it's good. Now it's good. Knees recover pretty well. Nice. It's getting better as you age. Yeah, they do. That's right.

And then the other thing that's going on is, I think this is a supply chain issue, but the type of gum I prefer has gone has gone missing and not just here in the city but i i asked my mom back in calgary like oh see if there's any other store nothing trident trident in the spirit pellets blicker blister pack blister pack that's now uh uh turn Show me the back side of that. Now, it's got that little notch there. Is that for... Now, do you... Okay, this is a little side thing.

Yeah. Do you use that notch to push the sleeve out or pull the sleeve out? What do I do? Let me see. Let me see what my instinct says here. I do a little both, I think. I do. Yeah, I do use it.

Wait, you don't push or pull? Pull. Okay. Yeah. Good question, though. Good question. So I don't know if it's like supply chain. I went to one store.

They had no Trident products whatsoever. It was all. What is your, how many packs do you have left? I've got probably like eight packs left. And that'll last you till lunch. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So yeah, I'm on the hunt and I'm looking online and contacted Trident directly and really doing the full court press.

I was that way at the beginning of the pandemic with um uh berry flavored metamucil oh i don't like the orange stuff so did you go from store to store kind of went from store to store was looking online yeah bought some from a place in the interior to have shipped here and they then cancelled the order oh no and then eventually it came back and I bought like tubs of it yeah that's like past guest Allison Smith she used a particular

perfume from Lush is that what's the other place that makes like super scented soaps place that makes super scented soaps? Every perfume is super scented. I don't know how to tell.

The Body Shop? Body Shop, thank you. But she used the same thing for like 10 years and they went they discontinued it and so she just contacted them direct and said, do you have any left? And they were like, yeah, we have several cases left if you want them. Wow, she lucked out because that happened to me when i was younger and i didn't think to do something like that i had this vanilla perfume from there it was like this

oil and it was it smelled like cookies like it smelled like freshly baked cookies yeah after you put it on and me and my sister my sister got like one bottle off of ebay and paid like crazy amount for it and she has like just drops of it like for special occasions but like that's stressful that when you are loving something and then it just starts to like i totally feel you guys yeah and also like yeah if it's a thing that takes you know i don't know how long it takes to use a bottle of perfume but years i imagine yeah uh and then you're like it's already out of reach yeah it's a but and you're like oh they they oh we we just discontinued this two years ago what i can't even get i can't even like there needs to be this is my idea for a business or an app. It's like just a service that tells you what is going to be discontinued. Yes.

Yeah. Just all products, what they're retiring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a really good idea. And you can sign up for the brands you like. This is a great idea. This is a dragon's den worthy. I think this would be more useful information than the news.

Yeah, that's true. Be your number one trusted source. Boy, they're, you know, they're trying to evacuate the steel mill in Mariupol, but also but our top

story today, peanut butter Twix, they're not going to have it anymore. Peanut butter Twix. They're not going to have it anymore. Peanut butter Twix is no longer. And we go down to the street. It would be like you've got four months to get the last peanut butter Twix.

A country is devastated with the loss of the peanut butter Twix. Yeah. Okay. Pandemonium has happened. People are eluding. Yeah.

So anyways, I'm on the lookout. If anybody out there in Radioland has any leads, I welcome them. Everyone send your tridents to Graham. Yeah. If not, your thoughts and prayers. I will also accept your thoughts and prayers I have a feeling we're going to be getting Tons sent to our PO box

Yes I hope so Yeah I think it might be A Canadian version of The gum What if it was You don't like the kind that come in the little envelope that are

individually wrapped? The little, like the sticks? Yeah. Yeah, sticks don't last. They just kind of fall apart. They last for like two minutes and then you just end up... Sounds like me. Sticks fall apart yeah they don't i don't know they don't have the right like they're just like not good for chewing they're good for chewing for a couple seconds and when you get the flavor out of it no yeah i get that i get it yeah i was more

i was trying to innuendo, but it didn't really work. How long do you, does a, a chiclet that you usually have last? Oh, like pretty long, like 45 minutes or something like that. And you drink water with them in your mouth still. Yep.

I can do it all. And you'll like eat a hot dog with, while still chewing gum. And you will. Hot dogs are a bit difficult, but I could do it. You'll brush your teeth. Yeah. I take my gum out, brush my teeth, put the gum back in do you ever get like i have put an ice cube

in your mouth and make the gum really hard no that's that could be a summer activity and then it gets even mintier and fresher you know it'd be a fun summertime activity is like the ice cube tray juice you ever do that with the the toothpick in it or whatever yeah but didn't you also have did you never have like popsicles stick makers or popsicle makers no oh yeah popsicle molds no i don't even know do those exist yeah yeah cool yeah you could probably find some a garage sale yeah that's true that's true maybe maybe yeah also if you're trying to uh get rid of your ice cube uh molds you know where to send them send them to the trash care of city sanitation okay um guys do you think it's time to do uh some overheards woo let's do it yeah okay well that sound means that it's time for a little bit of

business yeah yeah we messed up we dead ass uh acted like a bunch of jamokes saying that we've had overheards coming up we don't and we don't even know if we're gonna put them in this episode we may just enjoy this so much yeah this might be the rest of the episode it's a jumbo yeah and this message is for Bo from Dad. Hi, Dave and Graham. It is my daughter Bo's 13th birthday on 24th May. To mark the occasion, she is particularly keen to have a happy birthday message medley from Billy Corgan. Is there any way you could help her make her dreams come true?

Thanks. Off I go. Well, yes, of course. No, unfortunately, we can't do that um happy birthday bye sorry your dad missed it by a week um but if billy corgan were here i'm sure he was trying to think of something of shake down happy birthday to bow so i didn't do the voice i don't just do the songs i gotta do the voice i'm trying to think of despite all my rage i'm still just a invitation on the page oh yeah or something like that hey bo it's your birthday

from your dad oh oh that's good anyways let's go back to over yeah no no we got to do more of these there's a medley a medley sorry okay right um today is your birthday the greatest day i've ever known tomorrow won't do the voice though today is the birthday that you're gonna know tomorrow's not so that's good and then uh yeah sure and also uh hey i hope i know you weren't born in 1975 but nine 79 well i know that you're not born on that year either um anyway happy birthday bow from dad and uh if anyone out there would like to send a message like this jumbotron you. You gotta go to MaximumFun.org. You got a deadass code. I've been using deadass?

Also, if you're looking for somebody who's like Philly Corrigan, but not musical that you can join on your birthday, Uncle Fester. That's true. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron and then go to AdamsFamily.org slash Fester. I'm going first. It's me, Jackie Kayshun.

Man, she's always this bossy. Hi. I'm Laurie Kilmartin. We're a bunch of stand-up comics and we've been doing comedy like 60 years total with both of us but we look amazing we drop every monday on max fun and it's called the jackie laurie show and you could listen to it and learn about comedy and learn about anchor management

and all the things and jackie is married but childless and I'm unmarried but childful. So together, we make one complete woman. Is that just what's going to happen? Yeah, yeah. And we try to make Kyle laugh just like that and say, oh, my God, every episode. It's a good job. The Jackie and Laurie Show, Mondays, only on Maximum Fun. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Our comedy podcast, Jordan, Jesse, Go, just celebrated its 15th anniversary. It was a couple months ago, but we forgot. Yeah, completely. Our silly show is 15 years old. That makes it old enough to get its learner's permit. And almost old enough to get the talk. Wow, I hope you got the talk before then. A lot of things have changed in 15 years.

Our show's not one of them. We're never changing, and you can't make us. Jordan, Jesse, go the same forever at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Overheard's a segment where if you hear things out there in the wild blue yonder, you know, you could keep it to yourself, but we prefer that you share it here on the podcast. And we always like to start with the guest. Amber, hit us with an overheard. So I overheard this couple in the shower.

All right. Cool. Were you with them? I was part of the couple. Oh, my. Okay. Okay. You've been drinking like a glass of water this whole time.

And then you just pulled out a giant, like, athletic Gatorade water. Okay. Carry on. okay carry on yeah hilarious prop is in you guys you guys like prop comedy i love it prop comedy is back um so uh i was in the shower with my partner this isn't overheard but i couldn't like i didn't really have a real one that was any good. So it doesn't matter. We celebrate all of them. Stop yelling at me.

So I was away for like a week and a half and I came home last night. I had like from that set I was talking about and I had a bad migraine, but I hadn't seen my partner in a while. And I thought it was rude to him because I had a migraine. Anyway, he's seen my partner in a while and I thought it was rude to him because I had a migraine anyway he's like okay I'm getting in the shower but I thought I was mean to him so I followed him in the bathroom and got in the shower too because I'm like maybe I'll feel better because if my head hurts right and then but he hates it when I get in the shower with him and so it's like I'm like you hate this so much and i was just laughing hysterically at how he hates it he's like uncomfortable there's not enough room he's like

we both have to shower like use the water and then get out of the way of the other person to use the water like we both we both can't be in the water you got a do-si-do in the shower the whole yeah yeah yeah anyway so he was like okay are you done and i was like yeah yeah i'm gonna get out i was like wait what are you doing you're not done and he's like no and i was like why what are you gonna do and then he's like gonna wash my butt and then i said like what like how do you do it and then it's like a sex phone line then he said no and i said oh okay you don't want to show me and then he's like no and so like we've been together like nine years right and i said so then i said to him this morning like so

i got out i was like you know respectful of his boundaries or whatever that's good but I got I got out and then like later I said I'm like well we're nine years in like when am I going to be able to see you wash your butt and he was like 20 years 20 years okay but then I've been racking my brain like it does he mean 20 years longer? Or when we're at 20 years? Because if it's 20 years longer, then it might be just like real old gross thing. How do you think he does?

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. What do you think his method is? What are his options? I don't know. That's what I want to know. And also, I'm just bugging him mainly. But then because he is like you know so like it's a big mystery like it makes it more like i need to know now i feel like you need to know um i feel like when i find out i will be like not impressed or anything well when i do it i do a

stall and i let the water put my butt up in the air. What is he using to wash the rest? Like a bar of soap? I'm trying to figure out his technique. We all have the technique. You've seen him wash the rest of his body, right? Oh, the rest of his body we'll use like a body wash usually. But it all depends on the circumstance.

Yeah, he probably uses that. Well, he's got a secret stash of butt sauce I couldn't remember the name of what it was body wash so that's why I said whatever I just said yeah butt sauce

didn't they were they a band from Montreal butt sauce if anyone has more Um, didn't they, uh, were they a band from Montreal? But sauce, if anyone has more, but sauce, uh, send it to podcast. They did a cover of everyone's a winner,

babe. That's the truth. Um, uh, yeah, you know what? I'm not opposed to using a loofah, but I don't have one.

But if I, if I'm somewhere that has one i'll take advantage of some stranger's loofah no the loofah or the poof uh either are i don't i don't own either i don't like the loofah because it creates waste right because you can't you can't recycle a loofah because it creates waste. Right. Because you can't recycle a loofah. That's true. But you can throw them in the ocean and jellyfish will think that they're one of them and adopt them. They'll mate with them. Yeah, they'll mate with them. It's actually a way to bring down the jellyfish population.

Yeah. Dave, do you have an overheard? Not really. Okay. Abby is my wife and she got a random like spam text with a bunch of chinese characters in it yesterday okay um and it was from a number she didn't recognize it was all chinese characters and so she put it in the translator yeah she like trying to like press button to translate it and uh here is the

random text that she received madeline not madeline madeline madeline you scumbag what are you right to do this to my best friend are you worthy of family children wow so we got right in the middle of some drama yeah so it's the wrong wrong number uh yeah i mean the thick of it holy cow yeah you scumbag did you text back so you're the scumbag i know english only but uh you're the scumbag. Yeah. Yeah, that Google Translate. Have you ever tried to translate something from a language maybe to English and then taken that

translation and then put it back in and tried to change, like... Go back and forth? Yeah, go back and forth just to see how... That's a time waster. Yeah, do it with song lyrics. Yeah, that's fun. That's good, clean fun. And yeah, you're canceled, whoever that is that that message was for.

You don't want a family, what? You're not worthy. What was it? Are you worthy of family children Oh Yeah No my only children are Half loofah

Half jellyfish And they're beautiful Dave They are Oh can you imagine Yeah Yeah I can imagine I like it

Do you have an overheard my friend I do I was at a grocery store uh green grocer and uh I heard two uh people walking up to the cash register and the man was saying to the woman uh what about Cheerios I've heard they have lots of

iron so somebody has been told to get their iron up yeah I'll do it through cheerios that's the easiest way it's yeah clearly someone just like trying to get nostalgic or do i remember did you do any like were you like some like a nutritionist or something? Oh, me? Yeah. I took yoga teacher training. That's the same thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Not really, but. Oh, okay. I was going to ask you, where are you going to get some iron? It's funny because my sister's a nutritionist. If you really want iron, if you need it like badly, like you're like, Graham, have you ever had your blood tested? Yeah. Do you need iron? Because I know you're like um graham have you ever had your blood tested yeah uh do you do you need iron because i know you're a vegetarian no i'm good iron wise for a while i

suspected i might uh need iron and i bought these little packs they're like packs of water that taste like like the iron's been soaking in the water yeah it tastes it's like sucking on a penny it's so gross i was like i'll just my iron's fine anyway if you need iron and you don't want to suck on a penny or eat cheerios just get faramax it's a supplement that is actually a vegetarian capsule as well so nice that that helped me i was like quite depressed and that helped actually a lot with my depression because it was more about my almost borderline anemia. Oh, okay.

Then it was my, well, you know, I still like to go back every once in a while, hang out, get depressed. Yeah, sure. Absolutely. You know what? They're called Cheerios because they cheer you up because they have iron. Actually, yeah and that's the truth yeah I've heard cheerios cheer you up

and then during the Olympics you cheer people on by don't they right cheerios isn't like a sponsor of the Olympics but somehow they get around it by saying cheer is in their name and so you're supposed

to cut out cheer from the box yes so it's a lot of work it's a hell of a lot of work let me tell you um we have these overheard sent in uh if you want to send one in spy at maximofun.org our first one comes from liz in pittsburgh a woman outside the library talking on the phone. No, because then you flip the script and make it look like I was wrong. I mean, I was wrong, but... Don't flip the script on me, goddammit. Even if I was wrong. Yeah, if I was wrong.

You can prove me wrong using the regular frontward script. Oh, yeah. If you flip the script, it's just backwards. Yeah. Wow, I'm wrong both ways, but still. Just use the right script. Does flip the script just mean that you do you do a roundabout thing or you go

you do the switcheroo the 22 skidoo yeah what do you do how do you flip the script you start from the end yeah you start from the end so zombies kind of flip the script on being dead yeah that was true

and we salute the zombies for flipping the script on being dead yeah that was true and we salute the zombies for flipping the script on being dead they started at the end being dead and they went backwards alive undead yeah so didn't benjamin button flip the script benjamin button absolutely flipped the script and we gotta salute him for that and we salute you benjamin but a lot of people don't like that guy but yeah we'll say it first yeah we'll meet him in the middle when we're both middle-aged and hot yeah and then our relationship will just become less and less appropriate as time goes by but we'll both die at the same time me as an old lady and him as a baby uh this next one comes from danny f from chic, Illinois. While my partner and I were shopping for refrigerators at Home Depot.

Nice. We opened a bottle. You can't get in the refrigerator and wash your butt. We opened a model we liked and found a former bottled water bottle filled a third of the way with pee. We later asked the sales associate some questions and I said, by the way, there's a bottle of pee in the fridge. She seemed skeptical and slightly disgusted. And she said, well, I could be apple juice.

She picked it up and said, I don't know where to put it. To which my partner replied, you just just put in the garbage uh she said well i don't want to be somebody like where's my apple juice so she said so she said she was gonna put it in the little mini fridge behind the sales desk oh no no no who drank my apple juice the only thing that makes me think it's apple juice is that it was only a third full and like can you imagine having to be so bad that you need to use a bottle but then only fill it a third fill it third and then stash it in a fridge oh my gosh her co-workers like she's a good co-worker my co My coworkers throw my drinks out all the time.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of weird drinks do you got? A bottle of piss. Yeah. 99 bottles of piss on the wall. I think piss is pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah. Piss is good. Yeah. Past guest Matt O'Brien seems to tweet nonstop about taking loud pisses in Costco. In Costco. That seems to be his only thing he does now. Who's this?

Matt O'Brien. Oh, Matt's so funny. Did you see what Matt was doing when he, like, over the pandemic, he was trying to Bluetooth his neighbors, like to send them messages. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Did you see those videos? Yeah,

we did. We talked to him about them. They're all fake apparently. Yeah. Yeah. I was wondering about the one where it's like, if you don't want me to keep doing this, can you knock on the floor?

And it like immediately happened. I was wondering. This last one comes from Jordan from Halifax, Nova Scotia. It's a beautiful spring day and I'm walking down the sidewalk of Main Street. A car and a pickup truck pull up next to each other at the red light. The driver of the car

shouts, nice rig at the truck driver, referencing the dirt bike in the pickup truck bed. Truck driver's response yeah we got out for a ride today i fell in a river and everything oh yeah that's it the total package yeah exactly really great day great day of motorbiking yeah that could have been you if you uh that's what i was thinking yeah if you bought that motorbike god damn you imagine? My whole life would change if I had a motorbike. Even in the river.

Yeah. I could be speeding around in a river. I could really rev it at lights. Yeah. I didn't know they worked in the river, but. No, they don't. But you fall off it in the river. Yeah, you fall off.

You get wet. A whole deal. Well, that's the last we'll be hearing about motorcycles today. I promise. Yeah. Now, in addition to overheards that are written, and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one, ugh, spy pod one, like these people have.

Hey, Dave and Graham, calling with an overheard. I just walked out of my apartment to two men looking at a motorcycle. It belongs to one of them. And it was like a giant motorcycle with a very large tires. And the other guy said to the motorcycle owner, that's one big hog. You got there, brother.

Nice. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. yeah that's um was there was there the movie was called wild hogs yeah wild hogs and old dogs were unrelated movies yeah oh i never heard of these should i watch them they're good yeah yeah they're good who do you you think? Oh, boy. Could you, from memory, tell me, Graham, who you think is in Wild Hogs? Well, John Travolta, for sure. Then I want to say Tim Allen's also in it. That's what I would guess as well. And Martin Lawrence? I would guess Martin Lawrence as the third.

And then my other guess, this is flying way outside, William H. Mason. Yeah, so those would be the four I would guess. What about Old Dogs? Fuck, I don't know is that like morgan freeman seth green in one of them where he's like being held by an ape that's right there is some movie where he's gonna getting held by an ape i don't know what movie um okay wild hogs 2007 here we go you are correct about some of the stars of it okay my internet is loading and yes it's all for those men nice nice wow good job thanks thanks and two years later old dogs came out yeah and it seems to be uh john travolta robin williams an ape and seth green

is the apes credit before assess yeah it's a yeah yeah it just has williams ape yeah travolta but travolta's in both wow he was huge he was huge yeah he still is huge it's the dogs that got small is it the same director or something are these movies related in any way that he's the he's the character that ties them all together you know uh sorry sorry guys uh sorry no they're unrelated in any way oh they're both directed by Walt Becker. Walt Becker. We're big fan. Big fans. We stan Walt Becker.

Yeah. And here's your next phone call. Oh, he also directed Van Wilder. Nice. Hi, this is Eve calling in. I've been overheard from Vancouver. Oh, hi. Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. I was walking on Main Street past the Dairy Queen, overheard from Vancouver. Oh, hi. Dave Graham, Impossible Guest.

I was walking on Main Street past the Dairy Queen, and there were a bunch of guys hanging out in front. One of them goes, I got two words for you. The other guy goes, intermittent fasting? The other guy goes, cocaine. Well, off I go.

I got two words for you. Coke and ain't. What was the person who said intermittent fasting was the first? Yeah. Yeah. They were talking about, yeah. Something I do to reduce my iron level. You don't want your iron to be too high. Yeah, exactly.

You want to get sad. You want to be able to be sad. You won't be able to access that feeling if you yeah it was too high um what if that's all it was it's like iron is just oh my gosh what makes you happy that's why yeah iron man is so happy that's why yeah the iron giant is always smiling uh the Curtain was the happiest curtain around. Have you done your intermittent fasting? Me? No. Anyone.

That one's for the panel. I like no fasting whatsoever. I like non-bread. I do like non-bread. I love non-bread. But I think I naturally do the fasting. There's like eight hours at a time when I don't eat at all. Yeah. But it's just like when you're getting ready for bed, then sleeping, then getting up.

Yeah. It's true. Yeah. But I do eat a lot before I go to bed too, though. And that doesn't help my sleep. Do you ever brush your teeth too early and you're like oh shoot I'm still awake and now I want to eat something. Yeah. Yeah. And you know

you're not brushing your teeth a second time. I mean I'm not brushing it twice in a month. I know. Am I right? Alright final phone call. Hi Dave. Hi Graham. Hi possible likely guest. I am calling in with an overseen.

I walked in the bathroom to, like, brush my teeth and get ready for bed a couple nights ago. And I looked over to find my cat sitting on the toilet seat and peeing into the toilet. Never saw him do that before. I've lived with him for three years. Nobody taught him how and he just looked at me and looked away and just kept peeing in the toilet. Wow.

It's a miracle. Oh my goodness. My dream cat. Yeah. Do you think the cat was playing some sort of power move by staring at her the whole time that he was being the i love that she said um i've lived with him for three years like they're just roommates like they well they are here first and then yeah now technically they're they're very close to roommates now Now he gets his own room.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what was holding the back. Like, you got to be able to do this somewhere. It's like, oh, I thought you had no autonomy before, but now. Yeah. Do you have a cat? I'm allergic. Me too.

I was just looking at the, there's a catio, like a, I mean a cat cafe near me. Oh yeah. And they have a Fraser and Broadway. Oh yeah. And there's, you can get bubble tea, which I love. And then you can go pet the cats.

And I love cats. Like when they come near me, I want to pet them and cuddle them so much, but I'm severely allergic. Like my sisters have them and they have to like take the room i'm staying in and do like a full vacuum ritual and stuff like it's really bad my allergies like yeah i almost not be able to breathe yeah i'm the same like cats dogs too but cats really like yeah yeah my sister's cat was like coming to me and i was like starting to pet it and then my

niece was like what are you doing don't touch it i'm like i can't help it they're too cute sometimes like i can't total anti-slay that's anti-slay what you're doing it is anti-slay but you know uh well that brings us to the end of this here podcast amber tell us about the album tell us where you're playing this comes out on Monday so fire away I hope that the album will be out soon I think it should be out in like a week and a half or two weeks I'm having an album release

headlining Saturday June 4th shindig thing at comedyafterdark.ca you can get tickets there I'm headlining three shows and yeah that is

117 West Pender downtown Vancouver yeah and yeah so you can also just check out my website amberisfunny.com for any other shows I'm doing I'm also just check out my website, amberisfunny.com for any other

shows I'm doing. I'm also, just recently, I've been accepted into a couple comedy festivals in the States. Oh, nice! Yeah, I just got into the Rise Comedy Festival that'll be in July. I think that that is

in Denver, Colorado, and then I'm doing the Six City Comedy Festival in Cleveland, Ohio in August. It's all happening. Yeah. Good for you. A lot of stuff happening. Yeah. And thanks, you guys, for helping me out and letting me plug my album and all that.

Oh, sure. Yeah, you want to get that bump. We need to expose, as far as we can the fact that you're making it happen, you know? Yeah, and sorry to close this show out on cat allergies. No, that's where we always end up.

You really flipped the script on us. Ha ha! And thank you, all you out there, for listening to the show. If you have some time this week, why not saddle up and sit at a patio somewhere? Have a nice cold beverage on a patio. And come out back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. guess yourself.