Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 748 - Dan Beirne

Episode Date: July 19, 2022

Comedian Dan Beirne joins us to talk smoothie technique, four movies, and a fake pizzeria.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka, and he's Graham Clark, and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, and welcome to episode number 748 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, oh I see his icy mug is back. It's Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, it's hot out there. I've got to keep my Toronto Blue Jays mug in the freezer. This is the first time it's made a debut for this season, right? I mean, no no i've been

drinking out of it regularly but uh but i don't think you've seen it you're not really i consider you a very self-centered person so i wouldn't expect you to even look at my window in the zoom that's right i do just have a picture of uh david hasloff where your square is. That's what makes you so self-centered is you love David Hasselhoff. Too much, some people say. Our guest today, first time guest here on the podcast, he's an actor, he is a comedian, he is so, so funny. It's Mr. Dan Byrne is here with us. Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. Thanks for coming on the show. This is exciting. I'm very excited to have you here. Well, I'm delighted to be here with us hello hello thank you for having me thanks for coming on the show this is this

is exciting i'm very excited to have you well i'm delighted to be here uh i'm friends with friend of the podcast nicole passmore yes yeah and she's been doing some good some scouting for us oh really yeah because uh that's nice she she you were right at the top of the list so i was like okay let's do this let's bust this list up and uh yeah thanks for doing it and uh how many names were on the list Graham? did she write you an actual list? yeah yeah I asked for a list of people who were

possibly good guests for the podcast and she sent me a list of them why her? because she lives in Toronto and she's part of the comedy scene I know but like so are half of our guests Dave is this good content? No, I'm saying... I, like,

as someone who helps make the show, I consider myself someone who helps make the show. Yes, it's true you do. I like to... This is all a surprise to me. Sorry, I didn't mean to catch you off guard. I also have... I could send you a list.

Dave, send me a list Dan let's get to know us get to know us Dan Dan Byrne Dan Byrne you've been you were in a web series with Mark Little called what was it

Space no what yeah we had a show called space riders division earth yeah yeah how long that went for a while didn't that no it seemed like it went for a while it ran for it it ran for two seasons but they were made about five years apart so so it was like i guess this is still like it's like we got season two it's like and then we made it right away and then it was in post for like a year and a half almost two years oh i remember the post i remember the post process on that yeah it was the long one yeah you were into it i was following along yeah getting a fans the fans were yeah did you they were clamoring for season two i was like oh boy what are they what's the post

process on the z what are they using an avid yeah yeah nice avid no i didn't use avid no uh i i edited the first season but i did not edit the second yeah well that's what everyone was saying there was a lot of problems with that second season post that's why it took so long quality dipped a lot it took a long time gotta get dan editing it dan what is that thing behind you what oh this yeah so this is also a video podcast is that true like people watch this no no no just audio okay so nobody's interested in our faces i mean we have i keep recording for my own record so picture this i'm in a i'm in a room only myself is lit but then beside me is like this titanium post and uh that is a tripod because uh i do self tapes in here that's all

nice okay it looked um i couldn't tell if it was like yeah it looks medical or something yeah it's it's just a simple tripod now when you do self tapes i know a lot of actors they have to do them for people in la people in., people in New York. Is it the worst thing in the world, doing a self-tape? It sounds like it might be the worst thing in the world, but unless maybe you enjoy it. Am I getting this totally wrong? It can be. There's good and bad.

But basically, COVID made every audition self-tape because there's no going in the room anymore. Right. And casting directors have realized that it's far cheaper for them to just have tapes now. So I don't because there's no going in the room anymore right casting directors have realized that it's far cheaper for them to just have tapes now so i don't think it's ever going back um oh really no more in-person casting i think you know i think maybe 10 maybe like final screen tests or something might be done in person um because how can you how can you say like how come he got it i was in on the same day i went in right after him and he got the part how can you say that if it's all self-tape uh wait what do you

mean does the people say that a lot yeah they say it about you how did you get that i was there on the same day i was there on the same day how the hell did he get that that was the day they were casting and i was there so why him and not me yeah i was there and he was there and i should have it and he should not i knew where to go why why am i not in this but there's like that really nervous energy when you're waiting to be called in and i guess that's no longer a part of the process yeah and it's like you know good and bad so it's like um sometimes i find myself not bringing the energy that the nerves would provide when you have to get ready for an in-person thing.

And you can't do the thing like, you know, you hear legends of like Dustin Hoffman busting in and not doing the script right or something like that. Yes, exactly. Yeah. And honestly, I do think that was a part because i started booking a lot less when it was self-tapes like for like two years i really didn't do much at all and um i was starting to think like you know is it was i doing something in the room with my personality right i can now no longer do sure um uh you know you doubt yourself in all sorts of ways that is that's great yeah because then they're like oh yeah no the camera hates you but we doubt yourself in all sorts of ways that is that's great yeah because then they're like oh yeah now the camera hates you but we love you in the room yeah yeah yeah when you

once you're on set oh starting to get a real yeah a real like uh uh you know um bad relationship with my camera at home yeah exactly it's uh it's got a switch on it that you don't know how to turn off but it makes you seem lame exactly you can see my my details um in auditions dave and i very briefly uh did some auditions and maybe more more than one day or was it just once i mean we do we got a callback. That's right. We got a callback. And I think you ended up getting another callback without me. And then, yeah. And then they were like, enough's enough.

Both of you, we don't want you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you do the audition together? You sound like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, these casting people are very sneaky. So they're like, hey, we'd like to get you guys in to do this commercial. And then we get there and they're

like okay we're gonna split you up like graham was about to go in the room with another guy and i was very much about to walk out the door oh wow and then they were like oh no yeah well you guys do it together or maybe we said please can we do it together uh okay okay we did it together and um i think as i've learned it's uh with all commercial auditions the script hasn't been written yes yes yeah and they say please do that for us yeah we're relying on you to write this for us also uh this is a new kind of dorito could you invent a new kind of dorito for us? Oh, for sure. Yeah. There's gaps in the market for that. In fact, commercial auditioning is now at its worst. It's now the hardest thing to do

because the amount of things they ask you to do on your self-tape is just outlandish. What are we talking? do a take that's this take like that one recently and i don't care they can sue me or whatever if i say the content or something but um one recently was like pretend you are in a storm and you are loading horses into the back of your horse trailer. And tell your wife who is driving the pickup truck that we're advertising. I knew it had to be a truck.

Yeah. That the trailer is full and that she can now drive or whatever. And it's like, what part do I have to convince you of like whoa big fella yeah like what is the thing that you're looking to see that you would see in the commercial that you need to know if i can do yeah like you're like sure wet out here whoo yeah we're gonna be showing these uh videos to some horses to see if they believe you so it's actually far more demanding than like than a television audition which is just like have a scene with this person yeah and i like i did one have you ever had to do an audition or a commercial with a kid have

you ever had to work with a kid um yeah yes i have i don't like the way they talk to kids in these things i think they boss kids around and i i did an audition where it was like myself and a woman and the kid were supposed to be a family eating whatever this see i would put the fork and knife up you can picture it right yeah and uh they they like were really rude to the kid and i had to like whisper to him like i think you're doing great oh wow yeah i don't like the way that in those commercials that they uh they talk to the kids like they're adults because they're not they're kids well i don't think i've done a commercial with a kid so i i haven't seen that but i have i have seen like um you know just yeah no i've seen both i've seen i've seen not cool treatment of kids and i've

seen very nice treatment of kids no that's good you can't coddle them this is the thing you can't coddle them because then you know next thing you know yeah it's like they won't everybody gets a credit yeah they won't commercial act for you you know yeah and here come the parenting styles and you you recently uh unless i've uh misread you were uh up for like a big award during the did you get a press release i didn't get this yes yes yes uh i'd like to be involved in the show i am the secret guest um but you were in an independent film that got like some real buzz out there. Yeah. Yeah.

So I was in a film called The 20th Century made by visionary Winnipeg filmmaker Matthew Rankin. And it got a lot of press, got a lot of awards. And yeah, I was nominated for a CSA for Best Actor. Cool. How was it having buzz around you dave and i don't know so we're just wondering what is it like to have buzz it was great it was uh it was short-lived uh it lasted about a month and then covet hit uh and then the awards the awards were in covet they read them it was like you know really early covid so it was literally someone uh over text reading and the winner is this and the nominees are this and the

winner is this and so it was extremely anticlimactic um well as it was as it was going down i was like this is actually the best time to lose a csa because I don't have to lose it in front of everyone. That's right. So I did lose it. Yeah. You were like, okay, I'm going to lose this one next time. I don't have to do my disappointed face. Yeah.

Or my not disappointed face. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm good. Good for him. What do you guys, are you guys nostalgic at all for early COVID? Yeah, I think. Sometimes, yeah. good for him what do you guys nostalgic at all for early covid yeah i think sometimes yeah because i would uh every night i would put treats all over the house and then the morning i have a little covid hunt get my basket out have something get some candy last night i was like i started watching the last dance again like tell me the story of the bulls that's right oh yeah that was a it's funny like

because sometimes you get a reference of something like an old stand-up set or something and they're talking about Tiger King and you can like zero in the exact week that they wrote that joke I feel like The Last Dance is one of those I don't know if there's any other is there another show that ever stranger things right oh sure find out what's going on with those boys and gals the other thing is um i really miss washing my groceries oh yeah you can still do that i know but you know it's not even at the time you get a little teary-eyed when you do it yeah yeah these are clean i'm not gonna get sick from the the outside of this box of corn pops um when

you were a kid did you did you have to did you like rinse an apple or something just quickly under the the tap before you ate it or did you just trust that the grocery store and their misting machines were taking care of these? Is that what the misting machines are for? I don't know. I did always wash it. And I still do. And I think the misting machines are to get your fingers wet so you can open the little bags. That's right.

The plastic bags to put your apples your apples in it's a closed ecosystem i would do the sort of like uh the sort of huck finn like wipe it on your shirt that's what i would do yeah very folksy i like that yeah give it to your teacher have either of you ever eaten it where you've taken a knife and you like peeled off a slice and eaten it off the knife? Have you guys done that? That looks pretty cool. I have done that. I think I did that in university.

Did you really? Yeah. That's outstanding. Well, because it was like, you know, it was it was in replacement for a meal and not wanting to dirty a dish. OK. Right. OK. Because no one wants to wash a dish because.

Yeah. Yeah. You just bring him to the misting machines at the grocery store this is this is yeah this is what huck finn's like in university he's just grown up a little he's not uh rubbing apples on his shirt he's got a stop sign on his wall this was stolen yeah um take me to your dealer, Huck. Yeah. But I, so I eat an apple every day. Do you really?

Yeah. Where does it keep the teacher? Teacher? Doctor. Very close. Keeps the teacher very close. Oh, because, yeah, you give an apple to your teacher to suck up. Yeah.

And you wore it off the doctor like i carved the apple into a cross and uh but i eat one every day and sometimes i'll make it into slices and that just to you know mix it up but my new thing is uh i knew thing i open up my mouth and stick out my teeth and i and i like smack myself in the mouth with the apple like trying to catch it or you just literally hate i'm holding it so i'm just trying to i'm just trying to mix up the mechanics of it just so i don't get the yips so you you're like one of these guys who doesn't realize we can go outside like it's like they don't realize the war is over like they think world war two's still happening yeah i'm on an island yeah now now i'm

smacking the apple into my mouth yeah and it works just as well like i don't know why everyone why do you need to move your mouth to the apple and you can move the apple to your mouth that's true and why use your bottom jaw when you could just ram it into your top jaw right you ever get this you ever you ever wonder if you're getting old and you're like what's gonna break next so i would be i would be afraid of my teeth being like oh can they handle that yeah i think what a way to go oh yeah yeah when the dentist is looking at he's like you ate this wrong i'm sending you over to the doctor ah shit the brain doctor um what besides an apple what is everybody's uh favorite uh fruit to prepare like i like a i like a peach i like a peach juicy peach over the sink that's oh that's to prepare fruit to prepare like i like a i like a peach i like a peach juicy peach over the sink

that's all to prepare yeah to prepare finishing it i eat a banana every day yeah okay yeah i'm a smoothie guy take us through your regular smoothie yeah oh here here it goes i can do it um so you get the blender out of the cupboard uh wait wait wait go no start where where did the blender come from well it's a you mean my harley pasternak blender oh wow harley yeah that is the do you know that name yeah he was a personal trainer he my wife used to work at a talent agency and i think one of the agents represented him because he wrote books. Okay. Well, it's very much a knockoff Vitamix.

It's got the same coloring, the same structure. Everything is supposed to look like a Vitamix. Oh, you know what? He was on season one of Canada's Next Top Model. He told them. Yeah. Well, not as a model. He was like a consultant telling them, like,

the number on the scale doesn't matter. It's your health that matters. Oh, yeah. Okay, I can see that. And then, you know, to bring it all around, the woman who won Canada's Next Top Model Season 1 within months was a dental hygienist. That was one of the prizes, Dave. That was one of the prizes dave that was one of the prizes is we'll uh we'll rush you through dental hygiene school and you'll be able to work uh okay so you got to answer your question canadian tire and okay so uh then from the closet you break up the banana with your hands

into how many pieces uh usually five or six wait you keep your bananas in a closet no the bananas are in the bowl on the counter okay the blenders in the closet blenders in the closet bananas in the bowl on the counter you grab those you you grab one you break it into five or six pieces do you do you which banana do you pick do you pick the ripest do you pick the brownest the the yellow is the greenest it's the it's the ripest it's usually the bottom and it's the one with the most dark spots on it yeah okay yeah yeah the most flavor sure but also i want to i want the other ones to not be further this one will be further along by tomorrow it'll be too late exactly yeah uh so then you break it into five or six pieces

then you rinse your fingers uh because you're about to touch the fridge. Ah, this is good. This is good protein. Wait, what are you wearing? Fully clothed, usually, because I'm coming downstairs. Are you dressed for the day or are you in your pajamas? Generally, I like to dress for the day first. Oh, okay.

Nice. You can't just wipe your hands on your jammies. But you can wipe them on your pants, too. Oh, you mean with the banana hands yeah no you don't want to do you don't really want to do that for sure okay this is by the way this is i'm i hope this explanation goes for the whole episode i can tell you're trying to make it go out so then you get the spinach out okay frozen no fresh okay fresh yeah frozen i find too hard to deal with yeah sure it gets too too clumpy okay um so uh fresh spinach you grab a handful and really the handful is what decides how big your smoothie is going to be so you just sort of grab the handful and you're like okay i guess it's going to be so you just sort of grab the handful and

you're like okay i guess it's going to be this big and then you put it in and then you add half um non-dairy milk half dairy milk what's your preferred non-dairy it's it's an oat it's like an unsweetened oat oat rules everyone knows it oh rules man yeah um but sometimes the other day i couldn't find there's like there's a one brand of oat that's like double the calories of the other brands so i was like what is going on so i get like that you like more calories or less i prefer less why because like it's i'm gonna ingest a lot of calories with this smoothie so i may as well reduce the number um so then half half uh non-dairy half dairy then you're adding a scoop oh my god he's a trap this is a trap to make me the most boring guest in the history of the show

i'm picturing someone walking past the door and like where you're recording me like is he talking about his freaking smoothie we had uh we had had past guest Pat Kelly explain his entire morning ritual to us. So, just you doing a smoothie, you're getting off easy. Honestly, I think this should be the show. Like, I know our show basically has no topic, but I think it should just be morning rituals. Well, I'm sweating right now. So, okay. So, then.

Well, what's the weather like in Toronto? It's hot. Yeah, okay. It's hot. I'll sweating right now. Okay, so then... Well, what's the weather like in Toronto? It's hot. Yeah, okay. It's hot. I'll explain to them. Yeah, but it's making me nervous. Okay, so... Look, we're all sweating, so don't worry about it. That's why I'm wearing a tank top.

Thank you. Wetting up a storm. I'm too blessed to be stressed. Oh, good for you, Dave. But I'm still sweating. How did this happen? Yeah, I like this. The sweat is from the heat. a storm i'm too blessed to be stressed oh good for you dave but i'm still this happened yeah i don't like what the sweat is from the heat and that's the explanation of the inspirational poster behind you yeah yeah yeah um too blessed to be stressed take me to your dealer

um so next up is a scoop of vega okay familiar are you familiar with Vega? My, oh, is it the one that like. Is that one of the fighters from Street Fighter 2? Yes. Yes. Or the sort of Wolverine claws with the mask. Yeah. What was the one that everybody like that made computer games or whatever were taking? Sega?

Yes. Also that. But we're taking and Sega. Yes. Also that, but we're taking, instead of eating food, they were taking some kind of meal replacement. What was that called? You're thinking of Soylent. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Soylent, not Vega. Vega. Vega.

Yeah. Coffee. Tea. Vega. Vega. Are you, are you a vegetarian? I try to be, tea, Vega. Vega, are you a vegetarian? I try to be, but it's not strict. Okay.

So, like, maybe a couple meals a day, vegetarian. Maybe if at night, you're going to... Basically, I'm not buying meat at the grocery store. Right. Yeah, if it's like a restaurant, yeah'm not gonna i'm not gonna strictly say no okay okay it's a yeah a moderate uh adult adult choice i think thank you thank you a centrist in terms of yeah in terms of diet um so yeah it's a it's it's not a protein powder everyone thinks it's a protein powder it's just like a nutritional powder it's not a protein powder. Everyone thinks it's a protein powder. It's just like a nutritional powder.

It's similar to soil in the sense that it's like trying to do everything. Okay. Right? So, put a scoop of that in. I will put a little bit of instant coffee in. Oh. Yeah, just like a half-dough. Do you also drink coffee in the morning?

No. Okay. All right. So, this is it. This is your. Okay. Right. So this is it. This is your pick-me-up. This is it. What are you talking? Sanka?

No, we're going bottom of the barrel. We're going Maxwell House. Oh, Maxwell House. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just give me the cheap stuff. Do they still make those international flavored coffees that are instant coffees? What were they called again?

International flavors? Yeah. Do you remember, Graham? No. I mean, I recall coffee having like vanilla something or something like that. General Foods International Coffee. Oh. That's it.

That's it. It is Maxwell House. Oh, okay. Well, then maybe that's what i got yeah i don't actually pay too much attention because you can't taste it it's gone in terms of the taste of the smoothie you're not getting it just zips you just gives you a pep some pep it's about the zip it's about the pep yeah okay uh and then you're good to go shit So you got your organics in here are banana and spinach.

That's right. And is it good? Is it sweet and nice? Or is it... Kind of tastes like a chocolate milkshake. Are you serious? I mean, to me, it's chocolate-flavored Vega, I will say. Okay, smart. Yeah, okay.

I've just been drinking a normal chocolate milkshake every morning, and it seems to be having lots of ill effects. I usually go back to bed right after. Yeah, wipe your hands on your jammies and head back to bed. I make, not so much in the summer, but in the school year I make, um, uh, smoothies for my kids in the mornings and just to,

just to get something, some kind of fruit in them before they leave the house. And, uh, I was trying for a while. I was like sneaking avocado into them. Uh, and that was fine. Except some days they're just like

this one's weird sometimes the smoothie comes out it changes the texture for sure yeah but it's banana and avocado kind of give it the same texture but it just comes out a little beige it comes out beige and they know they can tell

usually it's banana and maybe frozen mango and frozen strawberry and yogurt. And then the, but then for a while I was putting in these little discs of frozen spinach until I looked on the nutritional information and there's just like nothing in a tiny disc of frozen spinach. Like I was doing so much extra effort to like hide the spinach in the smoothie. It just didn't even. And it was like, you are getting 1% of a vitamin today. But is that, like really?

Why? Is the freezing process taking something out of it? I don't know. You surely just ingesting that volume of greens has a benefit of some kind. I just take a couple of discs and be on my merry way and just suck on them on the drain. You know? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get them nice and soft. Leafy again. Exactly. Yeah.

Um, yeah, I, uh, finished you by a week there, uh, Dan, you buy a big bag a week.

Yeah, there's a, there uh dan you buy a big bag a week yeah there's a there's a there's a perfect size because i don't i don't need it i don't need it to be baby spinach you know like if it's a if it's if i'm making it for a salad i prefer a baby spinach but if i'm just gonna chop it up give me that adult spinach it's cheaper i can't even picture adult spinach oh it's big it's in the back of the store you have to walk through some cowboy doors there's a little beaded curtain yeah that's right yeah the guy looks at you as you buy it yeah all right the uh the package has popeye as like a tom of finland model um dan do you uh when you're getting ready for the day is are you full-time actor or do you have a another gig that you go to or are you just wanting to be up and dressed and ready to take on the day well the uh getting a dog has really changed my life tell me about your dog yeah okay so kelly kelly good name

for a dog yeah we were we were given uh the name she's a rescue from jamaica um and you know they were like you can rename her if you want but i was like i don't know i like the universe deciding on Kelly. It was fun. Yeah. Um, so yeah, she's, she came just about a year ago, a year and a bit ago. And, um, one of these pandemic dogs.

Yeah, exactly. Uh, and we love her. Uh, what, what is she? What is it?

So yeah, her mix is like a terrier mix. There's a bit of greyhound in there. Um, but she's known colloquially as a pot cake, which is a, yeah, it's a Caribbean mutt, basically. Street dog. Okay. And the sort of the explanation of pot cake is that since they're street dogs, they're often begging humans for food and,

you know, restaurants or, or just various people will give the dogs the baked, the caked on rice at the bottom of the pot. Oh, okay. And they can eat that as their dinner. How does a street dog like living in a,

in a house with, with caretakers and whatnot?'s an adjustment it's an adjustment she she's like she's really um she's really well behaved when when she arrived and that was sort of what convinced us to because we were just fostering right um and that's what convinced us to take her was that you know she doesn't bark and she's really uh patient with like you know having herself cleaned or whatever yeah um so she's really yeah she's really sweet to us and so um i feel like there's a butt coming well she is food insecure she she grew up you know not having food regularly so whenever we take her for a walk she's just constantly looking for food and trying to eat garbage yeah which i think you know i've heard is a problem with most dogs like trying to eat stuff all the time um but uh you know

it often makes us worried did you have a is this your your first dog of your life you have one growing up no i never had a dog never had a dog and was never really a dog person and uh but my girlfriend is and uh so we did it nice and um where did you get it this is just at the spca or is there somebody that buys jamaican dogs yeah we have a hookup you need one yeah well i got this mexican guy but he doesn't seem to be bearing any fruit so yeah maybe jamaica's the way um there is a rescue here called save our scruff that's where we went to um and they partnered with this rescue in jamaica and it was like very much a pandemic dog because this this rescue in jamaica would take these dogs off the

streets and nurse them back to health and the idea is the business model is that tourists come to jamaica they visit the haven they fall in love with the dog and they take it home with them but because of covid they were not getting tourists and so they were getting street dogs but they weren't giving any away right and so eventually the restaurants had too much like they couldn't keep up with the demand of pot cake of of rice yeah right they were running out of rice and so uh the government was like the there's too many dogs at this haven you have to get rid of 150 holy shit yeah and so they by any means necessary by any means necessary exactly So instead of having to do the by any means, they teamed up with this rescue in Toronto,

and they flew 150 dogs in one flight over to Canada and dispersed them all like this. Oh, my God. How? Operation Dumbo drop over. Man, oh, man. Yeah, yeah. What kind of plane?

Is this like a passenger plane? Operation Kelly Blast. Yeah, I don't know what kind of plane it was. never saw the plane because um yeah the mind reels though when you think about it that many dogs on a plane yeah and the this the flight attendants having to go be like uh do you want pretzels or oh let me guess kibble yeah yeah let me guess you want everything yeah yeah yeah let me guess you want everything yeah one of everything so there's like a huge

problem with or in the last couple weeks there was a huge problem with luggage in specifically in Toronto but like Air Canada the luggage backed up and it wasn't getting

where it needed to go i've seen the photos for weeks and weeks yeah and so they recently said no more bringing dogs in your as your luggage yeah because we can't do it yeah unless unless your dog swallows all of your luggage and you make enough room that the dog can fit in where the luggage is. That was the one exception. No. I love how they've, I love how they've narrowed down dog as the problem.

Like if we just do that, cause like how often do you see someone taking a dog on? Like maybe what there's one on a flight. Yeah. That one was causing a lot of ruckus. People had it and it was yipping at takeoff. Yeah. And they were like well

the dogs on this flight i should leave my luggage too yeah um do you ever get that when you're flying and they say at the last kind of couple minutes before they board the flight that you can have your bag checked in for free yeah oh yeah i don't rely on that you do you like that i love it i rely on it it's like that's my way of checking a bag is i will bring a bag that is so on the border between carry-on and not nice and then just just hoping that they say if you want to check your bag it's free yes yeah i mean it's good because then you don't have to go through the uh drama of trying to put up a bag while people are standing behind you breathing down your neck. Yeah.

Yeah. You can just waltz in footless and fancy free. Yeah. And waltz out. Well, no, you have to wait for your bag to come off the thing now. Oh, the carousel. Yeah. I like standing at the carousel.

I do, too. I like standing at the carousel I do too I like I like when my bag gets out early And I'm Well first of all I like when my bag gets out early Sure Hey my bag is one of the first ones

It feels nice Top of the class But then when people are like standing too close to the carousels And I get to give them a little bit of like, ahem. Yeah, excuse me. Guys, we're all supposed to, if we all just took a step back, I think, no, we'd all get out of here a lot more comfortably. Have you ever had to, I quite enjoy this when it happens, where your bag comes out on the farthest end and you have to watch it do a whole loop before it comes to you. And then you see someone else reach for it and you're like don't you don't

no no no I put a cool ribbon around mine. You know you didn't bring that ribbon. It also makes me feel like I I've never seen my own bag before. I start looking at bags that are kind of similar and be like is that

it's like no you know you know, you packed it. You sent it an hour ago or two hours ago. Like, you know what it looks like. Yeah. I guess I have a luggage that's I don't think a ton of people have it. But if somebody else had it, it would be impossible to tell which one was which. And I'm hoping that I get a rich guy's one one of these days. Or one that successfully smuggled

drugs in. Full of cash. Just full of cash. Yeah. Oh, this isn't my suitcase. I want my suitcase back. Yeah. Oh, man. Can you imagine finding just cash somewhere? Like an envelope of cash or something like that?

I'd give it back. Who'd you give it back to? The church. Yeah. imagine finding just like just cash somewhere it's like an envelope of cash or something like that i'd give it back who'd you give it back to the church yeah that's specifically the catholic church they're doing they're having a hard time yeah there's always that there's that line though of like this is too much money now it's gonna be trouble if i keep it now i'm gonna be hunted yeah somebody's after this money yeah but oh i, I didn't realize I have all these kind of like spy skills. You kind of discover it along the way. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Am I Jason Bourne? And that, and that like a beautiful woman that I was kind of fighting with. Actually kind of, maybe you're actually getting along really well. Now we're kissing. Yeah. Weird. Oh, she doesn't try to take my money oh oh she is okay okay well it was worth it to get that kiss i remember being like flying into the state somewhere and just standing around and then two uh cops like their dog sniffed around my bag and then the dog would turn to them and went p you wash your clothes it said but she she said are you carrying anything over ten thousand dollars and i started laughing and then she started laughing. This dog specifically smells

cash. It's a cash sniffing hound. Yeah, anyways, we all had a good laugh. And she's like, no, the dog pranked me again. Come here, you. We're sending you back to Jamaica. Oh no, this guy oh no this guy ask this guy where are you are you a frequent traveler or is this always just for business or pleasure or what's your status you know what i i don't love traveling no i don't know i don't have the travel bug you like to stay close to home.

I just don't. Yeah. But, but, but, uh, you know, when I travel, yeah. Usually I travel for work. Yeah. But like you, is there a particular type is like driving better than flying or train? Have you ever taken a train anywhere? Love the train.

Love the train. But yeah. But it's like sometimes it's too far. Yeah. This is true. Yeah. What's the's the like what do you hate so much about traveling aside from all the things that are it's not that i hate it it's not it's just that i don't long for it okay i don't i don't have the itch what do you long for then that's yeah follow-up question oh wow yeah so it's like it's like everyone longs for traveling and this guy says he doesn't long for it so what does he want what it makes him tick he's a mystery to be figured out i hmm what does he want i don't i don't know it's something that i mean that's

like where people go to therapy yeah find out what they want yeah i assume or your travel agent yeah that's true have you thought about fiji i don't like traveling but i love fiji well that's the thing is i hate packing and like oh like timing when i need to be at the airport and then like trying to arrange how i'm gonna get from the airport to the hotel. And then, but then I love the hotel. Oh yeah. I love being somewhere else.

I hate like getting there for weeks and weeks. I'm like a ball of nerves. Yeah. Just thinking about like, Oh my God. I'm, I know it's two weeks away, but I'm going to be late for my flight.

Yeah. And honestly, this is, this is it. this is why i don't like that's the exact the feeling you're describing is exactly why it overpowers the trip and they're like oh packing something and forgetting something and then like oh we gotta have all my chargers don't i yeah that's true the charger game really is it is obscene at this point. Come on, guys, decide on a universal charger. So I have to pack the one charger. Some kind of universal cereal bus. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't mind all those things. The only thing that I don't love is if I'm sitting next to somebody who's really fighting me over the armrest.

Yeah, that really. Boy, oh, boy, does that make my trip. I get get so rankled at that especially if they don't deserve it you know what i mean i'm wedged in there and they're trying is there a mr bean about that uh well i'm writing one that's my writing sample is mr bean it's just all description one bit of dialogue a barely intelligible hello erupts from our hero well that wouldn't be in no it's a sort of a novella

aesthetic novelization oh sure oh I would love to read a novelization of the Bean series Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I would read. I would love to read. A Mr. Bean novel? An annulment of the Bean series. That'd be pretty cool. Mr. Bean, a man who never wears a wristwatch, has suddenly lost his wristwatch inside a turkey of all things. Well, they're jumping to it.

They're really not setting it up at all. Well, I mean, we're in medias res. Okay, wow. well they're jumping to it they're really not setting it up at all well i mean my mind you know we're in medias res okay wow yeah certainly he's already gone to like uh he's conducted the we're at chapter eight the christmas uh the you know little jazz band outside the department store he sent himself a bunch of christmas cards i guess they are a jazz band but it sounds funny this called them a jazz band well they're like the salvation army band he does a little jazzy thing anyway this is all upcoming in our extra series he spins violently with the turkey on his head yeah he thrashes around crashing into theframe. And then hits his hand on the cutting board or something.

You just have to invent all the slapstick. Yeah, yeah, well, that's true. And you'd have to make it visual enough that the director, you know, knows what they're looking for, right? Yeah. Sure, well, and just the reader. Yeah, now we're in a novel. Right, right.

Yeah. You get from Scholastic. You would go to Scholastic and they would have. Yeah. The beat. Like, mom mom can I get the third in the series I'm like you already have the first two I know it's kind of like

open up my love of reading do you want to squash that mom come on we're talking bean here mom baby blah blah blah we're talking bean um

uh yeah fair enough hating travel but like have you been to a destination where you're like that was worth it yeah Berlin is really amazing cool yeah yeah I've like I've heard that it's crazy cool and there's all sorts of artists

there and it's you can actually live there it's crazy cool and there's all sorts of artists there. You can actually live there. It's cheap enough to live. How long are you there for? Like only ever, like a week at a time. A week in Berlin. A week at a time. But, you know, 26 weeks a year.

Yeah. It's a week on, week on. Yeah. So I should tell tell you i have a family there i have three children i'm always jet lagged sorry three kinder you come home accidentally speaking german yeah oh wait uh no yeah just got a dog so really tiny we have a pod cake hoon yeah during the first kind of half of the stay at home order i did i was like what happens to somebody that has a secret family during this how were they able to kind of did they have to trick them over zoom or how did they figure out how to it's it's time to choose yeah dad's going to the shed for a while

anyways don't knock on the door for a few days yeah yeah or or phone's gonna ring for a while but don't worry about it you're a traveling salesman right why can't why what they say you're not supposed to travel right now well i'm traveling i'm always traveling always keep traveling leaves with his uh briefcase full of nothing is that a thing anymore the idea of a traveling salesman i mean what were they where were they going in the first place what were they going like city to city with a vacuum cleaner to the heartland yeah there's like with bibles yeah there's uh a documentary called I think it's called Salesman. It is.

Yeah, have you seen it? Oh, yeah. The Maisels. Yes. The Maisel Brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's these guys selling like a fancier Bible, right? That was kind of their... Yeah, it's just like a nice Bible.

But watching this guy try to convince these generally elderly people to buy a new Bible is like what's wrong with my old bible it's ugly check out this one oh wow check out the curves on mary uh she's 13 do you mind that's you know this is the salesman yeah Yeah. Excuse me. In the documentary, there's a scene where everybody, you know, they're gathered in a room, all the salesmen, and one by one, they have to stand up and say what they're hopeful to do in the next whatever year or something. It's like a conference. I'd kill myself. Yeah, it's like a conference. Yeah. And everybody has to stand up.

And some people are like, I'm going to move up the ladder. I'm going to be the top salesman by the time the year's out. And other people are like, if I could sell a couple of Bibles, that would be great. So it's a wide range. Yeah. I would be like, I hope I don't have to talk about myself for very long here today. Yeah. You'd be like, can me and Graham do it together? Exactly. Yeah. Can me and Graham do it together? Exactly.

Yeah. But yeah, it's, I think that's it. I think those, maybe they would sell like encyclopedias or knives or something like that. But yeah, that's all I can think of what a traveling salesman is. Yeah, now it's religion. There's really not much. Right. that is being sold door to door. Sure. Magazine subscriptions. I feel like that's something that I've heard of people doing.

I mean, people still come to my door, but they want donations. They're all, they have a vest and a clipboard. You get nothing out of it. Yeah, I get, you know what I get? of it yeah i get i you know what i get i get mail later from the same charity saying hey come on give me more donations yeah yeah yeah we know you got it yeah shaking you upside down looking for coins i remember that was a big dad joke back in the day was uh hey when they would answer the door I gave her the office. Yeah. To the girl guide? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Dad, you haven't been into the office for months. Dave, what's up with you, my friend? Well, last week I talked about our new dog. And update, she's great. We're big fans of this dog. Well, last week I talked about our new dog and update. She's great. Uh, we were big fans of this dog. She's, uh, you know, she's, she's rowdy.

She's, uh, she's fighting with the other dog. Uh, but she's standing her ground. She's, oh, for the, for the weight disparity, she's, she really, um, can give her and her teeth are so sharp. For the weight disparity, she really can give her. And her teeth are so sharp. And you're raising her like your other dog from a pup. Well, no, we're raising them both different religions. Just to see which one comes out on top.

She goes to the Justin Bieber's megachurch. Yeah. Dan, did you have to train your dog at all or it was pre-trained? Kind of pre-trained, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, she didn't understand leash walking or stairs, but that's pretty minor training.

Yeah. Do you have to give commands in a Jamaican accent? Honestly, we were so afraid of offending her, we didn't do it. Good, good. Yeah. But Dave, yeah, he's raising these dogs from pups. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's more amazing to adopt a pup in need, but, you know.

But more skillful to raise from a pup i think yeah but they uh yeah it's it's certainly non-stop chaos uh and like she now sleeps mostly through the night so that's good uh but she does wake up to nurse which is weird uh i guess i i'm no longer lactating yeah you did it once as a joke and now she's like or yeah i liked what you were doing there yeah you just lay on your side nearly as a joke it's a joke and then some renaissance painters painting me exhausted um so we're doing that uh you came over a couple weeks ago you came over i did not no great i'm looking at the other window oh sorry graham you came over for uh to meet this dog yes irma is her name irma is her name and uh we had some beers this was the only time

this is the longest we'd seen each other in two and a half years yeah yeah yeah it was you have a nice uh you got a nice backyard over there yeah i've been uh you know i'm uh yeah doing some digging i haven't found anything yet um uh when are we gonna when can we be in the same room together i don't know i don't know either but it was nice it was nice to see you in real in real life um and meet your dog which she is adorable like she's so tiny you can just pick her up by a scruff um but the other thing going on is i've now been watching a bunch of uh um movies okay because i have like i'm i'm discovering that i have free time now that sports are over oh that's interesting so there's just a lot of uh because yeah we're in the in between times

is that what's going on there's no uh hockey or basketball on tv and was it is baseball threatening to go on strike who's threatening to go on strike via rail rail? Oh, via rail. That's right. Yeah. The national train companies. But I think they've reached some kind of agreement. Yeah. With the MLB, which is weird. Yeah. There is a salary cap on engineers. Yeah.

Oh, that would be the, I would watch that. If there was like a training day it was all train engineers and there's also a hickory cap on those weird stripe yeah they seem to wear uh so i've been watching movies i watched a lot of movies in the last couple of weeks nice what are we talking what genre oh all over the map well two of them are are like murder mystery movies okay uh what do you know what okay so i watched the adam sandler basketball scouting movie hustle okay and see it run don't walk run don't walk okay yes i watched the new minions movie. Oh shit. That's cool. It is good. Is that,

did you have to go to the theater for that? I didn't have to, I got to. Can you, Dave, are you able to explain to me, there's like some trend of like kids going dressed up in suits. Yeah. The trend is not kids.

It's grownups. It's like young men, uh, like 20 year old men, men, going and wearing suits. It's hashtag gentle minions. I don't know if it's a hashtag. No, but that's what they're calling themselves. Yeah.

And they treat it like it's a night out. And they go see the Minions movie. And it's... So it's just cute that they're doing that. It is and it isn't. It's obnoxious because they'll like cheer and stuff in the crowd and they'll take videos of each other watching the movie. And so that's why some theaters have banned them.

They've banned the gentle Minions. Okay. But the Minions would want that kind of chaos. That's what Minions love. Yeah. Don't deny them their own audience. And also, like, what serious cinematic experience are you stealing from Minions Rise of Gru? Yeah, I don't know.

Also, it's just like, like, there's, I mean, I went to an afternoon showing of this, so it was just full of kids. But I assume that these are you know you go at night you're wearing you know formal wear yeah yeah don't do it in the day but no don't do it in the day a hundred percent had this been a thing when i was a late teen early 20th i would have been all over this certainly would have been a gentle minion as well yeah it would have been big bunches of bananas me and two people from my improv team. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

The fedora meter would have gone off the charts. Did you ever own a fedora, Dan? I did. I was a fedora kid. Nice. Yeah. What age to what age? We're about 16 to 18.

Okay. Wow. Yeah. About 16 to 38. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. About 16 to 38. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. 26 weeks a year. I would wear a fedora. It's just off camera. You can tell he's just taking it off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I will rise into it and then come back down with it on. What was the rest of your outfit that complimented this fedora oh well i'll tell you it was a wooden tie yes so that is a tie that is made of little wooden sectionals like a spine or something and it was sort of uh strung through with elastics so you could put it around and then you could kind of like you know it was like a jacob's ladder or whatever it would sort of yeah wow flexible slightly flexible and i didn't know what i was expecting but i was expecting one piece of wood like uh diane smith wears a wooden bow she wears a wooden bow tie yes oh it's so

similar but this was the necktie this is this was multiple pieces of wood oh yeah this is easily 10 pieces of wood including a fake knot of course yeah and then did you uh what type of footwear are we talking what footwear fedora please say wooden shoes no um it would have been like it would have probably been just like brown sneakers at that time but there was like uh there was a time when i had like a pair of air walks oh okay yeah it was a complete mishmash like total like a really bad mixtape fair enough were there pictures of you in your yearbook wearing your fedora i don't know if they made the yearbook i don't know i don't know if the yearbook editing staff was putting those up front

but there's definitely pictures yeah out there there was a i feel like it's coco chanel who had a quote about accessorizing where it was like dress yourself get dressed put on everything you want and then as you're leaving, take off one thing. Yeah. Your glasses, and then you can't see for the rest of the time. So, for you, it would have been either a fedora or a wooden tie. Or I'm guessing, was there a vest involved? Yeah.

Well, I had a different philosophy. It was just put on stuff so you can't put on stuff no more. Was there a vest involved? Sometimes, yes. But it was more often like a corduroy blazer. Oh, okay. That's cool. Yeah.

I still have a couple. Do you? Yeah. With bad, baggy dress pants. Okay. Sure. And this is I'm ready to hit the town. You're so money, baby. I mean, the town you're so money baby i mean yeah you're so oh exactly this the soundtrack of swingers in the car it is very much like okay

when you're young you're like well i mean a suit is a suit like james bond and me are the same guy yeah exactly a suit is a suit it's got pants it's got jacket it's got tie it's got a hat oh man i love oh i love it so much and so when you i was never hitting the town i was going to a friend's house to watch yeah that was all that was all we did That was all we did. Did your friend, were they also fedoras? No, I was kind of, like, I kind of claimed that, you know, like, I was the friend who did that. What was your, in your grade 12 yearbook picture, is there anything that stands out?

Yes, here's what stands out. Here we go. Is that I, it took me very long time to learn how to smile okay i still don't know i have a smile that just looks like um like an alien like it just looks it looks like i have just entered the human race and i'm losing and i'm losing everyone around me is winning and i'm just i yeah like i'm holding on to some shred of life or something it's very it's on it's off-putting to look at my face in that picture wow yeah yeah i wore a tie in my grade 12 like we all everyone just wore kind of coats and ties we didn't have to wear the gown

but I remember my tie was by the brand Joe Boxer the underwear brand and it was a bunch of cows and lobsters and it was surf and turf nice how to theme well done I made them let me hold the roses

that all the girls were holding in their picture i took the whole bushel of roses and had them like a baby and wow yeah i think it's it's still up on my folks that sounds like it holds up yeah it's a good gag it's solid i had some good i I wore the same turtleneck sweater for four years straight in my pictures. Really? Oh, yeah. Bringing the same outfit back. I was doing a lot of good stuff.

There's that, like, it went viral, or anyway, I know it, of the high school teacher who wore the same outfit for like 30 years. Yes. In his yearbook photo. I love a prank that basically is just for you, doesn't cause any trouble for anyone else.

But then when you realize it, you're like, oh, this is the best. He would do this. This is going to go on laughingsquid.com. That reminds me of that video of a teacher greeting his class every day. You see this? It was like many years ago now, but it was someone had recorded their teacher coming into class every day. And he came into class wearing basically the same outfit and speaking the exact same way every morning. So it was just this cut of him being hello hello

hello and just this this old man walking in the same thing give teachers their props yeah yeah and if you have a teacher that wears the same thing every day you know maybe their house burned down do you think about that yeah You insensitive piece of garbage. Maybe they didn't want to be a meme. They don't prepare you for that in education school. So we've got, we've got minions. We've got,

what was the first one? Uh, hustle. Hustle. Which has the longest, um, uh like montage i've ever seen okay it's like a basketball training montage and it just goes like it's a montage is usually supposed to compress time but this just goes on and on and on so you have not seen Baby Driver then, which is 100% montage. The whole movie's montage? Yeah, it is.

It's infuriating, but please continue. Oh, no, I know. The other two movies I saw, one is the first, I think it's the first Coen Brothers movie, Blood Simple. Blood Simple, yeah, fantastic. It is okay uh it's very like watching it 35 years later it does feel like okay we're doing noir and it's like we're oh bullets are going through the with the walls and we're gonna have a light to go through a

different angle yeah yeah but i like all that i like a really the schmaltzier the noir is the better if it's and it does have a moment of like that thing i hate in movies where it's like oh that person's dead just don't touch them but instead i'm like i'm gonna pick them up and put them in my car and bury him somewhere i didn't kill him yeah but i feel like i need to make this so complicated now yeah uh i can handle this yeah don't worry about me yeah the great dan hidea yeah yeah went on to play richard nixon in the movie Dick. Oh, okay. Dan Hedaya. Yeah, I like that.

That was a fun movie. That's a fun movie to watch. Good popcorn flick. And the other one was a, I think it was another directorial debut and another murder mystery type thing. It was Shallow Grave, directed by Danny Boyle Starring Ewan McGregor And two other Scottish people And two other Scottish-ish people One of them is a guy I recognize

Oh yeah So you did know I was coming on the show Because you watched all Dan-related movies Yes, Dan Hedaya And Danny Boyle Well, thank you for researching Of course And our guest next week, I think, is's Dan Hedaya and Danny Boyle. Well, thank you for researching. Of course. And our guest next week, I think, is named Dan as well.

Oh, wow. Dan Month. It's Dan Month here on the podcast. We had Man Month and now it's Dan Month. So happy to kick it off. And that movie is, it has this really insufferable gen gen x thing where they're like they are they're they're three roommates and they're looking for a new roommate and like no one's cool enough to be their roommate and it's just like tell me about yourself and they're oh it's like a you know a kodak commercial

but when kodak was cool there is a kind of thing that i've noticed where it's like a Kodak commercial, but when Kodak was cool. There is a kind of thing that I've noticed where it's like a bit of an older generation sort of taking a stance on a younger generation who it's like, they're so disaffected. I don't understand the youth. They wouldn't care if someone died. You know, like there is a kind of like that was kind of in Shallow Grave, right? Where they're like, these people are so callous like they don't care and i feel like that is happening now or or like it's happened you know for it's happened a lot where it's like these younger people they don't they wouldn't care yeah yeah i honestly i don't care like most days like thousands of people die

and i don't care yeah so suddenly you're a bit like the shallow grave yeah yeah that's why you watch you know sometimes they'll put it on the news and i'm like okay i care about this yeah you're about this guy yeah the dog was cool enough to be your roommate though yeah oh well yeah big audition of dogs yeah these dogs aren't cool my uh you know i'm just a softy um so it's uh but that movie's fine as well it has all also those problems of like well the police know who you what you did just arrest them oh the cops are out of leads like why are we why are you putting the audience through this stuff it's it's just part of the cinematic experience you got to put the audience through this stuff? It's just part of the cinematic experience. You got to put the audience through something, you know?

Yeah, as Mr. Bean would say. Yeah. Put the reader through something. Yeah. I seem to remember really colorful apartments in that movie. A lot of accent walls. Yeah. Yeah, like also that kind of like oh where you know we have a gigantic apartment

and we pay you know 20 bob a month i feel like that in in single white female it was that way as well they had this beautiful enormous apartment with high ceilings and they're just like oh yeah i'm just a freelance photographer yeah yeah like uh i saw i was on like a vancouver reddit thread and there was a guy that was in town that's like i got looking for a place and my budget is 700 and everybody's like you could not even live in a garage for 700 you might find like a potting shed that somebody's you're allowed to wash yourself with the hose and whatnot that's about 700 my budget this is what i'm playing with so uh yeah just let the answers roll in here we go yeah honestly uh show me just the most beautiful i'm expecting you to just sell me the show me these

like the bigger the chandelier the better which penthouse would you like sire yeah uh it's a big movie week yeah and i'm i'm i uh i think i'll be watching more of these i don't want to watch anything new. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, there's enough old movies out there to keep you entertained for the rest of your life. Yeah. You never have to see Baby Driver if you don't want to. I saw it in the theater in Toronto.

Oh, wow. Dan, did you also do that? I saw it in the theater. I forget where I was. Probably Toronto. Yeah, you hate travel. It must have been Toronto. Did you guys both hate it. I forget where I was. Probably. Toronto. Yeah, you hate travel. It must have been Toronto. Did you guys both hate it?

I was annoyed by it. I liked it. I was relieved that no one in the cast was a sex offender. That's right. That's what I appreciated about it as well, is that you didn't have to look past one character. Yeah, or two. Or two, sure.

Where are you from originally, Dan grew up in ottawa oh yeah school wait you could tell us how you said no i said you love it you love it uh went to school in montreal for 10 years so i didn't go for school for 10 years but i was in montreal for 10 years nice and then i moved to tor school for 10 years, but I was in Montreal for 10 years. Nice. And then I moved to Toronto and I've been here since 2011. Okay. What was your budget for your first apartment? Where? In Montreal? Yeah, in Montreal. So this would have been 2001. Okay. And I would have paid $400. Whoa, shit. Yeah. I was living with my cousin. Okay. And I believe together we were paying $800.

That's amazing. What a glorious rent story. I love that. Yeah. Oh, cousins love splitting rent. It's why you have them in the first place. Yeah. To split rent with or, in some cultures, to marry. I don't remember.

I don't remember my college rents. I remember my Vancouver rents. Yeah, I remember my college rent. I remember my Vancouver rent. Yeah, I remember my Vancouver rent. You remember when it got bad? Yeah, after the Olympics, things started to accelerate in a very weird way. And all of a sudden, it was like, slumlords were like, here it is. This is our big chance, everybody. So, movie week.

You're going to continue movie week next week? Yeah, maybe. We'll see what's uh what's going on with you um well uh i'm just looking at my phone because past guest emmett hall brought to my attention a wild wild business that's happening here in vancouver um it's a thing called desi's pizzeria so this is uh this is emmett found this i think on craigslist this is desi's pizzeria 1110 west 10th avenue suite 208 there you go that should tell you something that he's in suite 208 so is that a second floor pizza place? It's a second floor pizza place.

And what this guy does is. Desi? Desi. He. First of all, he loves Lucy. Absolutely. It's the first thing you know about him. He loves the Mambo Beat.

This is on West 10th Avenue? Yeah, that's the one. West 10th Avenue. Sweet 20 something. Anyways. 208. Thank you. yeah that's the one west 10th avenue sweet two oh something anyways two a thank you um but his thing is that he will make you a uh like a frozen pizza and deliver it to you so if you're like drunk at four in the morning and there's no pizza places open he and you don't want to go buy anything or whatever he will heat up a delicio pizza or something like that and then deliver it to your house and uh so it is delivery i think yes i think it's both yeah but it's so it's for

people who just didn't think to to buy any pizza yeah just uh like or the ovenless the ovenless the which there's a lot of them in vancouver living in suites with no oven um you know there's like uh yeah like i could see why this would be a required service because there isn't a lot of 24-hour places in vancouver so if you're hungry in the middle of the night and you don't have any food in the cupboard and nobody else is open who you're gonna call coast desis you gotta call desis wow should call it last ditch desis because it's not it's not an ideal the frozen pizza is not there's a there's a pizza place in our restaurant in our neighborhood graham yeah that is fairly new i've mentioned it on the show before i don't want to say their name because i was really rooting for them but then yeah me too

you went there and they're terrible and it you said it tastes like it's a frozen pizza place yeah and that may have been the case that might have been desi's uh first shot at a brick and mortar main street kind of shop but uh now he's working out of his apartment oh i just love that his apartment's always smelling like pizza it's just maybe he gets an order he's got three pizzas in the oven at the same i was gonna say i was gonna say you get more than two orders and suddenly actually it's like timing is just all off now you guarantee it's less than half an hour no i don't no no absolutely not no i mean oven's warming up now i don't know i've got now i have uh a pizza stone that i put on the barbecue

yeah it's i also i had to buy some bricks to keep it not directly on the barbecue because it gets too hot and burns the bottom. But that's how I do my frozen pizza. You do a frozen pizza on the pizza. I'll also do a fresh. Sure. I'm not that good at making a fresh pizza. That's fine.

There's people that do. Desi, for example, he makes delicious. I always, I go I'm too like what's the word i'm looking for good at dough bad at dough hungry no i'm too uh not auspicious tall suspicious no we don't say suspicious we say sus uh i'm too um oh geez in like when you're when your grasp and your your reach is longer than your grasp i'll sweat ambitious ambitious nice dan i'm too ambitious with my i put too many things on it and

then i'm like well i better put a lot of cheese on it and then I'm like, well, I better put a lot of cheese on it. And then the cheese doesn't melt evenly. Yeah. And the middle is just a mess. Yeah. I learned that at Tom's house of pizza in Calgary, Alberta. When I worked there, you were allowed to have one pizza on every shift,

like small, small pizza. And I loaded it up with so much shit. And at the bottom didn't bake at all. It just like sunk down and I had to eat it even though it was humiliating so you had to? yeah cause the guy was like don't you throw it but it's free it's mine

you enjoy your hot salad your hot kind of bread bowl-esque salad that you have so anyways we've got a new hero in town his name's Desi so do you know Desi. Yeah. Have you, so do you know Desi's hours?

I, I assume he's 24 hours. I assume he's on call. If, uh, cause it doesn't say when you look up the. Desi got to sleep though. Yeah. But you know, so do drug dealers, right? But, uh, they make time, their shifts, their shift. He's covering shifts that no other restaurant will cover.

You know what I mean? But then do you call him or do you text him? He has his phone number. Here's the thing. This is a great multi-episode arc now. Yes. Because now you can just do it. Exactly.

And get the feedback on it. That's what I'm going to do. But yeah, there's a phone number. I can't wait to hear the results. Yeah. There's a phone number. I'm going to call him. Maybe not tonight, but I am going to call him and order a Desi's pizza.

I do. So I'm at the website right now. It's Desi with two Zs. Yeah. And the website says Desi Pizzeria. Pizza delivery in Vancouver. Open 24 hours. And then the button you press is get quote.

Get quote. Can I get a quote on a pizza yeah uh my real estate agent and i are considering having a pizza delivered to our house so it says name phone number email and then how can we help you for example i was wondering about availability and rates i need help with the following yes i'm gonna order a pizza from Desi's Pizzeria. I'm going to. Are you going to set an alarm for like two in the morning? Yeah, I should.

I should do it at the right time. And here's the thing. Did we say give a P.O. box? Yeah, that's right. Give a fake address. Yeah, that's true. Because for all we know, it just takes one person to let you give out your address. And then he goes goes goes to murdering

anyway hi i'm i'm working on a multi-pizza project and i need a quote yeah um well should we uh should we wander over to some uh business yeah well that uh little sound you heard there that means it's time for a Jumbotron. Yep, baby. And Jumbotrons are the, I mean, it's the way, it's the modern way of telling someone you love them. That's right. It's the best way to tell you that you care. Yeah.

Yeah. And here is one we have. It's, this one is to Benji J. From Johnny J. Johnny J. Happy birthday, Benji. I can't believe it's been a whole year since we last heard Graham and Dave

wish you a happy birthday. Serial. Yeah. I mean, obviously I remember. Well, this year it's the big 4-0. And hopefully you are listening to this episode of SPY spy on our road trip across Finland. Whoa.

Get some fish, dried fish. Good. Get, uh, some, some, uh,

licorice candy. Oh yes, absolutely. Uh, you love it. Thank you to Graham and Dave for so many happy times. And happy birthday to my brother. Love you.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday, brother Benji. Yeah, Benji, go out there and fucking own it. Yeah, and while you're driving through Finland, do one of those, what do they call it, like a Finnish flip? It's like a really tight turn you can do when you're driving. Yeah, do one of those. Absolutely. What's like a really tight turn you can do when you're driving. Yeah, do one of those. Absolutely.

What's it called? Look up some Tom from Finland while you're there. Oh, yeah. Look up some Tom from Finland. And, yeah, I guess we go back to our regular scheduled program. Yeah. Okay. Overheards.

In the briefest time, I feel like we got to know each other bro i appreciate you so much for that do you read minds or what it's really a very sacred space you've created here bullseye you've hit the bullseye baby bullseye interviews with creators you love and creators you need to know. From MaximumFun.org and NPR. Hey, did grad school ruin your reading habits? Oh my God, all those books you had to read for grad school. Did becoming a parent destroy your ability to focus on a book?

Did the pandemic tank the number of novels you can get through in a year? Ugh, that happened to everyone and we're Reading Glasses and we're here to help. We'll get you out of a book slump, dismantle all that weird reader guilt, which we know you have a lot of, but most importantly,

we'll help you fall back in love with reading. Reading Glasses, every Thursday on Maximum Fun. of to start the segment with the guest do you have something great that you've overheard um do i have something great well it's not great but i definitely overheard it um it's something i'm calling uh spitting pep talk and it was a guy on the sidewalk and he was he was gassing up his friend on the phone um but i don't know if he had something in his mouth or he was like it sounds like sunflower seeds or something but i'll just do i'll just do what he did which was

uh no man you're great no you're fantastic you're a professional no one can match you you're the best in your field you got this dude oh man yeah wow wow do you think it was just a hair that they had in their mouth or what oh yeah why so many it was so many it was small spits and they were rapid and he was talking fast but he was only saying super positive stuff to his friend oh yeah sorry i have a really i'm got this new hairy vape i've been using yeah i know yeah i really i don't know what it was but i was also moving i didn't want to like linger you know that yeah yeah absolutely it's not uh it's not for public consumption even though they're doing it in public but it's not busking or anything like that exactly yeah i don't think he was busking wouldn't that be great if you just

did you're talking on a video call as a busking thing that would that'd be pretty pretty fantastic yeah just come and listen i'm saying some pretty weird stuff yeah do you ever are you that guy to anyone that you need to like gas them up on the phone oh good question um thanks i'll take my answer off the air i'll say this i'll say this i used to drive my grandmother to florida what really yeah when she was with us uh she would want her like how many times did you do this i did the full trip twice wow wow okay um And she would want her car in Florida. How long of a drive is that? Three days? It's two big days.

Whoa. Grandma can handle it? She wants it that way. Don't want to waste any more time because she's not doing the driving. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So two 10-hour days.

Also, she's going to the Panhandle. So it's the North end of Florida. So you're not going all the way to the bottom. It's true. She loves that Florida, Georgia line. Exactly. The,

the, I think the Arkansas, is it the Arkansas, Louisiana line? Anyway. So we would do that. And we, and,

and it was the drive back. We were coming back and it was the end. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How, so grandma is going down thanksgiving weekend thanksgiving weekend sorry american thanksgiving and then you you fly back up yeah exactly and then you fly down and pick her up and drive her back in march okay okay yeah

yeah and so it's the end of march we're coming back and we cross london ontario and just like a stretch of of land there that's very high precipitation and so um we hit a big spring storm uh snowstorm and um we're driving in it's like whiteout conditions like pretty tense and she is getting very scared and i was yeah i was saying things like i know we're gonna be fine gonna be fine and then we get through it we get to toronto and my uncle comes over to like sort of greet her back in toronto say hello and we're chatting about the drive and we talk about London and we say oh there was a big snowstorm and he sort of looks at her because he knows that she was afraid and he was like oh how did that go and I sort of chimed in and I was like oh I I cheered her up a little bit as we were going and she was like no you didn't and uh so it's really made me feel

like i'm not good at cheering people up or gassing people up yeah but uh ultimately yeah she really stuck it to you don rickles style you didn't she didn't miss a chance oh man no i'm definitely when i'm driving through tough conditions i need the passenger to gas me up. Yeah. Yeah. You're a good driver. You're doing well. Keep your eyes.

You can pull over if you need to. Yeah, exactly. Well, you can wait out the storm if you like, but if not, you're doing great. Yeah. I can see that. I can see that. I love how white your knuckles are.

I've always admired that about you. Dave, do you have an overheard not really um but i was in chopper's drug mart the other day and uh there's a woman wearing a shirt and it's hard to stare at a woman's shirt uh in this day and age back in the day it would have been easy and you yearn for these old days back in the 90s i've been like i'm i'm a cool guy i drink okay soda or whatever uh don't scola please and anyway so this woman she had a shirt that just said uh coffee in one hand confidence confidence in the other. Ooh, that's good. That's good.

That's me. I like a wine-related shirt, or I like a coffee-related shirt. Both of those don't, you know. This is what women drink. These are the two main things, Rosé and Maxwell House. They're the two. And how often, do they drink Rosé just like occasionally, or like one part of the day? Oh, all day, Dave. Oh, is that right? Yeah, all day. And how often, do they drink rosé just like occasionally or like one part of the day? Oh, all day, Dave. Oh, is that right?

Yeah, all day. How often do they slay? You know what? You're going to be surprised to hear the answer. Also all day. Oh, wow. I think it might be the rosé doing the work. I also had a shirt.

I had a shirt one also. Go. Shirt. Shirt for her. Yeah, shirt. Shirt us. It was a woman wearing a very warm looking hoodie on a very hot day um but on the back of the hoodie was a giant hello kitty icon and then beneath no capital

letters in like a comic sans font it just said varsity blues exclamation point and the james vanderbeek movie i i asked the same question and and i was like maybe i'm missing something maybe like maybe i am so i looked it up uh there is no connection between varsity blues and hello kitty it just made no sense although yeah um i'm i'm just googling the movie varsity blues but, but also the University of Toronto is called the Varsity Blues. Yes, that's the name of their team. So maybe they made some kind of... Oh, maybe they made a Hello Kitty thing. Yeah.

Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I find a lot of those if you go to vintage shop, well, not vintage shop, but thrift stores, there's a lot of those like... Local team. You know know team or like team brian and it's from a bachelor party and it's got you know kelvin and hobbs on it or

whatever oh did you ever see the movie varsity blues i remember there being a scene in it with uh whipped cream and am i thinking of the right movie is that uh him and ally larder is she does she put whipped cream on her body i think so that's all i really i mean i know there's a lot of that's her okay yeah yeah i believe it was um spoofed in uh maybe not another teen movie oh yeah yeah yeah that that really nailed a lot of asses to the wall no one got away clean i remember that movie came out when did not another teen movie come out i feel like it was 2002 because that was the year i was in i went to europe for the summer oh yeah what was your rent like back then i mean it was free pretty much except for the hostels

which were like only like 20 a night um not bad not bad at all and then uh but i i the movie not another teen movie in france i saw a poster for it and it was this was a movie that like spoofed you know i know what you did last summer and 10 things i hate about you and she's all that and uh in france the translation of the title was sex academy i think they i don't know if they got the nuance of you know but try to keep people away from a movie called sex academy good luck uh do you have an overheard graham i haven't overseen and it was just beautiful this is this time of year we can all agree is at the very least popsicle season if not ice cream season oh

yeah some kind of cold dessert outside freezies freezies the whole nine yards um and luckily dave and i live quite close to a all-year-round ice cream shop. It's a really, really good ice cream. There's lineups for it. And people just eat them out on the corner. And so I was with a big patch of people that were all eating ice cream. And I had our ice cream quite close to her face. And she sneezed and fell right into the ice cream

good lord oh man it took all my power to not just was paging mrs bean yeah exactly anyways man oh man did it kill me Oh boy, oh boy Just like, cause you know when a sneeze, your brain is malfunctioning, all it wants to do is get that sneeze out. Oh, I love sneezing Yeah, oh, it's the best

It's the best, it's horrible when you I know people who don't like it. Really? People who find it unpleasant. Dan, where do you stand on sneezing? Yeah, what's your stance? Um, I hold it in too much unpleasant dan where do you stand on sneezing yeah what's your stance um i hold it in too much i sort of do that still but you uh do you enjoy that because it is kind of a rush yeah i i don't mind it yeah yeah they've loved it i was sneezing right now uh now we also have overheard sent into us From people all over the world If you want to send one in

Send it in to SPY at MaximumFun.org And this first one Comes from Denys D-E-N-I-S Yeah, Desi Let's go with Dennis Let's say Dennis I was walking through the parking lot of my local park

When I saw a little girl carrying a large rock about the size of her head towards a car. She put the rock down and opened the car door, and I heard her mom say, that's it? That's the rock you wanted? And the little girl replied out of breath, yeah, yeah. Oh, made her pull over? Yeah. That's the rock. There it is.

You know what the rock story makes me think of is I was in high school and there was a radio competition for $10,000 and they had hidden it somewhere in the city. Oh, I love this. And they were giving out clues over the course of weeks. And it was like appealing to us because we could drive. We were of the age we could drive. And so we were like trying to figure this mystery out and they were giving various clues or whatever. And then ultimately it was under a fake rock on the side of the highway. Um,

pretty near my house. I mean, not that I had any chance of finding it, but, um, but yeah, it was like, I could just imagine that was what she wanted.

The, But, yeah, it was like, I could just imagine that was what she wanted. I feel like radio stations and reality shows and game shows are not keeping up with inflation. I feel like $10,000 is, I mean... Well, this was 1999. Yeah, but I feel like now it would still be $10,000. Oh, I see. Oh, yes, yes. I was watching American Ninja Warrior the other day and someone won $10,000. feel like now it would still be ten thousand dollars oh i see oh yes yes yeah like i was watching american ninja warrior the other day and someone won ten thousand dollars and i was like

that's that's good yeah i would like ten thousand dollars nothing to sneeze at although i love to sneeze i would i could definitely use ten thousand dollars but yeah it does feel like there's a real disparity between various game shows where there is a one game show is it cake was it was a show yes uh and you the grand prize was fifty thousand dollars this is on netflix and then you you flitch you you flip the netflix channel to another netflix show and the it's like people winning a million dollars like an episode there's one called Bullshit or something hosted by Howie Mandel and it's like the prize is a million dollars

it's like it's so much more skill to make those cakes that's true that's true also like the Food Network I think when they did that reboot of Bob and Dave on when they did that reboot of bob and dave on the

on netflix they did a sketch about how the people don't understand what amount of money it is like they're like what are you going to do if you win the ten thousand dollars like i'm gonna start my own restaurant it's like no no no you can start a late night pizza baking business out of your house you can bake frozen pizzas out of your house that's it so in on survivor they won a million dollars and i think and 20 years ago they won a million dollars and i think they still do and that like 20 years ago um i mean look i would love a million dollars today sure but you could like buy a house 20 years ago and now you could you know you can rent it for a really long time that's true well maybe yeah they should that would be great if they just actually adjusted for inflation so it was like one

point whatever like 1.18 or something. Just like, that's really not as sexy. And I know we should be going after, you know, the corporations and not Mark Burnett. Yeah. And as you head into voting tonight, I want you to remember that this is all about $1.18 million. Yeah. This next one comes from Sam in Cambridge Massachusetts I run the body care and supplement department

at an upscale grocery store I just asked a customer if I could help them find something and they said I'm looking for nail clippers believe it or not and when I showed him where they were he said unbelievable I mean in a body care and supplement store i don't know where they would be no me neither also i wouldn't go there i would be like take me to the drug store

yeah i'd go to a dollar store that would be my my stop for some nail clippers it might have been joy at finding them in that store unbelievable oh yeah it was just my line read it could have been he could have been super stoked that he found them um i think and i'm not sure you know how like you always just kind of have an umbrella you don't know where it came from i feel that way about nail clippers i feel like they've been in my life i don't think i've ever owned them they just yeah go i've bought them on vacation and been like, Oh, I didn't expect I would was long enough. I was, I didn't think I'd be gone long enough to need to clip my

nails. These are made by Revlon. I didn't know. I never expected anything by Revlon. Well, I'll treat myself, you know? Yeah,

sure. Um, this last one comes from Casey in Arkansas, eating McDonald's breakfast and got the pancake platter. Husband goes to pour the maple-flavored syrup that comes with it, and he says, mmm, corn syrup, sarcastically. And our seven-year-old son says, I know. Isn't corn syrup the greatest?

It is. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. Boy, I own some. I don't think we have it anymore but in the joy of cooking the the uh cookbook there's this my family has always made this um chocolate syrup recipe for um ice cream and it it you you need sugar butter like those like unsweetened chocolate clods and corn syrup and uh it's the only thing i've ever needed corn syrup for but i needed it on the daily on the daily yeah i was eating a lot of ice cream and chocolate sauce um

i haven't had it in so long and making it making it all the time every day you're like i should make another batch yeah well my family when my family makes it it's like uh you gotta you get it you make it fresh you may the first time you make it it great. It goes on the ice cream. If you keep a little bit and reheat it, then it hardens on the ice cream. Yes. But I don't like it. I don't like it hardening. I want it to be soupy. All right.

Anyway, this is sort of the same as your smoothies. You like it soupy. Did you do yours, Graham? You're all done? Yeah, all done. In addition to overhears that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one

spypod one like these people have hey y'all it's Cormac from Philly literally sitting next to my window and I heard someone say I love it but you don't look good in it thanks

harsh the only thing that's wrong about the outfit is you that reminds me of another overheard that I was another contender which was a woman talking to her boyfriend she said no I'm not loud i'm not just trying to convince someone you're not loud

uh pretty good pretty good um yeah it's like you know you got a great eye for choosing clothes for someone else yeah exactly put it on a mannequin Don't feel the need to stretch it out over your weird body. Yeah. Sounds like a RuPaul quote. Yeah. Yeah. And here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham,

an incredible guest. This is Randy from Chicago calling in with an overheard. So I was sitting in the park yesterday and a little ways down from me, I could hear a couple of friends talking about hiking. They were discussing equipment when one of the friends brought up the Sheenus, which I learned is an apparatus that allows individuals without male genitals

to pee while standing up. She was explaining the concept to her friend, and he asked, well, does it work? She replied that it works, but she had to test it out in the shower first before taking it hiking. And he replied,

wait, you used it in the shower? And she said, yeah, just in case there was a mess, it'd be easier to clean up. And he seemed bewildered by this and asked, so you peed in the shower? And she said, yeah, so what? Don't pretend like you don't pee in the shower. And at this point, he became very serious and said, I'd never do that. In Arlington Heights, it's illegal to pee in the shower. It's in the city bylaws. Well, off I go. Yeah, the government's

watching you. They're there when you sleep, they're there when you pee. Can they make it illegal to pee in your own shower? I mean, they can make it at the Y, they can tell you. If they outlaw peeing in the shower, only outlaws will pee in the shower. That's true the only uh thing that stops somebody from being in the shower somebody else peeing in a shower yeah the only thing that stops a bad guy from being in the shower

he's a good guy um yeah i do like that the guy is like adheres to city bylaws so much. Yeah. He's a, he's a citizen. He's an all around good. Yeah. Yeah. What, uh, do you know any bylaws offhand?

Yeah. I like, you got to clean up after your dog at the park. That's like a pretty, pretty standard bylaw. Um, uh, that's the only way I know.

Noise. You can't make noise at different hours. Yeah. Where I grew up. in the it was like a new suburban development in the 80s and there was bylaws a lot of bylaws about um like house color oh wow interesting there was like a palette of house color that you could choose from right so it wouldn't be just the fire engine red house on the block. Exactly. It was earth tone, a lot of earth tone.

Ah, yes. Well, yeah, my wife grew up in Switzerland, and there's towns where it's like you have to, you know, we want to keep this as a, you know, like a postcard town. So you have to make a Swiss Chalet yes make it a Swiss Chalet delicious

when was the last time you went to a Swiss Chalet I door dashed Swiss Chalet not too long ago how is it on door dash does it hold up to the travel yeah pretty well I will say you're going to want travel? Yeah, pretty well. I will say you're going to want to eat those fries pretty quick.

Yeah, they get pretty moist in the travel. One of my first DoorDash experiences was Nando's, and that did not travel well. Okay. That's another chicken. That's your little spicier chicken. Little spicy chicken, yeah. I do feel like a lot of restaurants have upped their game in terms of getting the food to you and it maintaining its whatever yeah yeah integrity because it's a lot more integrity exactly thank you uh because it's just been such a huge uptick

in delivery yeah that's i i think wendy's changed their whole fry game I think their fries are now breaded, so they last longer. I, of course, last longer by thinking about baseball. Here's your final overheard, everyone. Hi, Dave and Graham and lovely guest. This is Julie from Woodbridge, Virginia. I was teaching a Sunday school class with seven and eight-year-olds,

and we were talking about David and Goliath. And there were two girls in the class who were really going in-depth about the details of how exactly Goliath died. Did the rock go in his brain, or did his skull shatter, and pieces of that went in his brain? Just really getting down and dirty with the details. When the other teacher of the class just real enthusiastically and loudly said, it was the first episiotomy.

Of course, of course she meant lobotomy, but it took everything I had not to giggle out loud. Anyways, I love this show. Off I go. What is it? What is an episiotomy? That is a real thing, isn't it? Episiotomy? Yeah.

I think you've had it hundreds of times. What is it? It's when they cut the taint between the vagina and the bust. Yes, I've had that done. For childbirth. It's generally done for childbirth. Sometimes it's done for, you know, aesthetic reasons. Sure.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just get the taint you want. Get the taint you see on TV. Yeah. Well. Well, on that note. On that note, I think that's the end of this here podcast. Dan, thank you so much for joining us.

Thank you both. I loved it. Where can people find you? You do a weekly show at Comedy Bar? At Comedy Bar in Toronto, Wednesdays at 8 p.m. And I'm only on Instagram at Dan Byrne. And Dan Byrne is spelled crazy, right? Yeah, it's crazy.

Like, just type random letters in. Well, thank you so much. And thank you, listener. Thank you so much for coming by and hanging out with us. We sure do appreciate it. And you know what? Come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture.

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