Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 756 - Dana Smith

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

Comedian Dana Smith returns to talk schoolyard games, the first day of school, and Bachman Cummings.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 756 of Stop Podcast Yourself. My name is Graham Clark. With me as always is a man who I think is probably really ready for fall, but I happen to know this evening is taking in a baseball game, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, they're the boys of summer. I can see them, their brown skin shining in the sun

their wayfarers on uh-huh um yeah going to a baseball match of game of rounders and uh taking in the local flavor we got front row seats on the first baseline you want to be really hear the guys talking to each other yeah it's a little hear the slap hear them slapping each other's butt yeah and hear the catcher like saying mean things to the to the hitter saying like uh you're never gonna make you're never gonna make a career yes you're never good we're in the we're they now they're they were in single a and now the league is called high A. I don't know what the difference means except that the season's longer.

So yeah, none of these people are in the major league. These are not major league players, but they'll probably be trash talking each other about like, you'll never make the major league. If you do, you'll be on a bad team. There is crying in baseball and you're doing all of it. You suck, you suck. Yeah. You are the belly itcher that she warned you about. And our guest today, returning guest to the podcast, such a funny comedian. We're pleased to have her.

It's Dana Smith, everybody. Hey. Hey. Hey. How you doing? Good. How are you? Good. What are rounders or was that the name of the team? The rounders, I think rounders is

what baseball was based off of. It was like a British game that in the 19th century was the basis for baseball. Wow, you really know your ball. Well, Ken Burns taught me a lot of things to the tune of Take Me Out to the Ball Game

on a ragtime piano. God, there's like 50 versions of Take Me Out to the Ball Game in that documentary. Does he talk about there was a thing where they brought baseball players

over to Europe to kind of see if it stirred up any interest and the people they brought were insane and just like took rude photos at the pyramids and took rude photos at the Louvre. We brought them to Europe. They wound up at the pyramids. Didn't play a single game. They took rude photos of the Le leaning tower of pisa where they pretended they were holding it up but they weren't they weren't did some of them lay on the ground and made it look like an erection which is which is fair i guess but you guys are supposed to be on your best behavior what year was this that they were taking so many pictures this was like it was

it had to have been when was babe ruth around what was his era 20s so it would have been the 20s or the 30s still big big poof pictures right yes yeah big watch the birdie uh should we get to know us dana hello welcome to canada thank you it's been a long time i really missed my you've been on once before yes once before i think remotely remotely always yeah never graced our the microphones in this room no she never tread the boards no not as it were are you in the same room right now no no no no that would be funny though that would be funny across from each other i don't know if anyone we did that once we did that when abby was our first guest of the pandemic that's right yeah yeah and there was quite a bit of lag across the table um dana have you ever played any sports are you an athlete of any description

um i would say that i'm an athlete but i don't play sports you know i've just got i've just got uh a body that knows where it is in the world you know okay the listener i used to know that dana's fingers are in the little pyramid tinted thing and baseball players are taking lewd photos in front of it and i'm enjoying it but no i i haven't really like right now am i playing any sports no you're doing a podcast no i'm doing a podcast yes that's right but i'm being a good sport so that's fine that's true yeah yeah um for the battle i used to play i used to have one i have parents who like just kept us real busy as kids you know oh yeah so i did i did soccer i did a little bit of volleyball i did synchronized swimming whoa whoa whoa hold on let's

talk about that for a minute the soccer is fine and all that but i want to learn everything about synchronized how would a parent even decide well to do synchronized swimming yeah yeah like you you're not bad in the pool why not uh take on this insanely difficult like how did you do it how did they teach you how to do it and what ages yeah take us through the whole thing well to be like a full disclosure i only did it for a couple years uh okay was not that great at it but um uh i think it was like the progression from because i also used to do dance and i also liked swimming and my parents like the olympics because I also used to do dance and I also liked swimming. And my parents liked the Olympics.

They really, I got a real Olympics heavy family. So I think that they just got carried away, you know. Right. But first step, you got to get a nose plug. The nose plug saves you. Yeah. How does that even work? It looks insane.

Yeah, it does. It fucks up your face It looks nuts, it feels weird And it looks It feels and looks like Just a piece of cartilage Over your own nose Little rubber bit of cartilage Does it go up the nostrils?

No, over It goes over And it's not going anywhere And you could go underwater and suck up As hard as you wanted and it wouldn't go up the nostrils or just takes the outside? It goes over. And it's not going anywhere. And you could go underwater and suck up as hard as you wanted and it wouldn't go up? Or you have to work with it? Do you know what? I don't think I tried that, but I bet you I couldn't. I bet you I couldn't.

Yeah. Yeah. But like when you're under the water and your legs are above water, what the hell's going on down there? How the hell does that work because what you're doing there is you're doing the first thing that you need to learn is the egg beater or no egg beaters with your is with your with your legs but you know that but um but it's it's kind of it's a it's a hand a cupped hand movement where you're kind of doing this and so it's a lot of it's yeah it's a lot of uh it's a it's it's a tizzy down there

is what it is yeah no kidding and how do you do they pipe the music into the pool somehow how do you know what i was asked this question recently and i don't remember ever getting to the point where we got music you know like we were not ready for it like we were just doing routines uh because i don't think we were, we were just kind of really trying to work on, on the actual movements and not so much on the timing. I think I did it from when I was like 11 to 13 or something around there. It was only for maybe, maybe three years, but I think it was closer to two. How many, like, were you on a team?

How many girls were with you or boys or whoever? Yeah, exactly. No boys. And there was only about four of us, I think at any given time. It wasn't that many kids wanting to learn synchronized swimming. It's so specific. Especially in your preteen years, you know. I just remember a few weeks ago we had Katieie ellen humphries on who was a competitive

yeah like she was a real swimmer she was talking about how shots fired she would share a pool with the synchro people and they would to keep the beat of the music someone would just be smashing on the the um the like uh bar that for like where you climb in and out of the pool? With what? I don't know. A whip? Or like a broomstick or something? One of the broomsticks they have for when they sweep around the pool?

Do you guys remember meter sticks? I was just all of a sudden picturing a meter stick. How could I forget? Yeah, right? I feel like when they left us alone with them they became a sword very quick. meter sticks i was just all of a sudden picturing a meter stick yeah how could i forget yeah right they were i feel like when they left us alone with them they became a sword very quick and or a whip it was just like a i guess a very thin strip of wood yeah that went went a meter long when it was wasn't it just like a a meter a big long ruler yeah it was a big long ruler but it was big long my favorite was was not the big long ruler but the little guy that you like had it was like a big long stick with a wheel

on the end and then you you were like surveying yeah exactly and then you would roll it and then it would click anytime you hit a meter ah cool i like that it was really cool i mean you i like tape measure like honestly these things don't hold a candle the tape measure no i get it tape measures you can measure between the meters i i get you and you can pull it out you can make it rigid and then you can make it floppy and then you can also let it snap back yeah yeah but you can't let it snap back too much because it'll, it'll, it'll fuck you up. But then also, but then also tape measures often just snap back on their, on themselves. And you have to have a real skill to be able to use a tape measure to be able to like actually make sure that it stays hooked.

Everyone thinks that they're good at tape measure until you're measuring everything to sell it to move, you know? Yes. That sounds oddly specific. I'm at tape measure until you're measuring everything to sell it to move you know yes that sounds oddly specific i guess tape measure my friend what do you use instead uh what about you know your floppy kind of fabric yeah that's my favorite button you press yeah yeah that's a good one you can wrap it around different parts of your body and see how big they are. Be like a lady in the 20s. There's a house being built in my neighborhood and I guess, I don't know if they left it on overnight, but they had one of those laser levels.

And I guess they were working, they must have left it there because it looked so insane. Empty house just to have like a green line going around. They must have. There must be like a laser distance measurer. Oh, yeah. They got damn laser thermometers. They got thermometers.

They got laser beams. They got lasers for your eyes you get some laser eye stuff um but we're not talking about laser here we're talking about measurements that's what we're talking about um could you measure something in cups and then do the translation like move a cup however many times that you need to get a meter, but like, I'm not quite sure how many cups are in a meter, something like that. How would cups be in a meter? How many cups would be in a meter? I would imagine about 20.

20 cups. 20 cups. You're laying, you're laying. I'm laying, yeah. A traditional like one cup, 250 milliliters. Yeah. About that size. About the width of two eyes, right? Yeah.

Well, your eyes. No, mine are pretty much the standard. I'm thinking it would be like this. Like, not quite two eyes. Dana, when she does that, looks like a superhero with the way that it's shaped. This, I just look like I have a mustache. For the home listener, we're holding our hands into a circle above our face. You're drinking out of small little cups, Dave.

I like to have a nice big goblet. But I'm talking about a measuring cup for baking. Oh. Yeah. I'm not talking about big gulps. Well, I think that a measuring cup is about the size of this packing tape right no is this bigger that's bigger yeah you can see your whole face when you do that when you move it up yeah there's your whole face

man this is good podcasting yeah Yeah. So you've had renovations. You bought a house that you completely redid, like, all the insides of. It looks really nice. You did a good job with the house. It looks like someone didn't know how to use a tape measure. Yeah, things are a bit shorter than they should be. I did have to call in a few friends to help me with the tape measuring, but. A lot of them were like can i measure

it in cups sure it'll take longer but uh whatever we'll end up with a delicious cake um but you guys that takes a long time what you guys did to the place like you rebuilt the stairs and shit like that but you know what's good about it is that about the house that we bought like i'm very particular about you know uh uh when we were buying uh that i wanted it to have a good layout and i wanted it to be able to uh be what i wanted it to be um and uh every house that we were seeing just had the nuts layouts like they were all just it's it's just ridiculous and for the for the listener i'm from winnipeg so that's why i'm able to buy a house that they're they're everyone can you know it's fine on a podcast guest salary yeah 100 a year and i make it work

what was so bonkers about the other places toilet in the kitchen that kind of thing there was a toilet there i one that we saw there was a toilet just open air in the uh in the bedroom um that's pretty weird with a tub so it was like open concept bedroom bathroom kind of situation um and that was nuts and then there was do when you tour a house is it oh is it considered rude to laugh at stuff like that no oh yeah i would i wouldn't do it if the owners were there but usually the owners aren't there usually it's just you and your realtor and maybe other people with their realtors and then if there's other people there with their realtors and you do want it then you got to talk some shit about it you got to be like this house oh my god it stinks in here right guys it stinks yeah

burning hair yeah the toilet's too far from the bed i'm getting shivers up my neck probably haunted anyways so that one we did talk some shit uh because we did kind of want it but then we didn't that one was a messed up layout there's just like weird kitchens and and um and one there was like a a garage in the backyard but like the backyard was tiny and the garage was too big for the backyard so they had to put it in at an angle so it was just this yard with it with an angled garage just it looked like it was it had fallen there you know um It was ridiculous. You have to drive through the neighbor's yard to park. Oh, man.

Yeah, it's funny what other people have gotten used to when you walk into a place and you're like, huh, that doesn't seem to work at all. But they probably are like, all you have to do is rattle the thing, push it in, do it with your elbow and away you go look i can pee in the toilet from bed yeah it takes a little bit of a funnel situation but yeah and also you'd be like i have i want some privacy put on the bathroom helmet so

that you can't hear or see who wears it the person using the toilet or the other no the other person so that the person using the toilet could feel like free to do like a vr set yeah only it's just it's just a it's just the apartment or the house but as if no one was on the toilet yes yeah everywhere you look there's nobody on the toilet yeah and there were so many windows in that one too so it's not even if they're there you had another person living there it's that like you could look you could sit on the toilet or in the bath and look out all of the windows and presumably people could see in yeah i guess that's weird but it was a duplex so we almost we almost got it oh okay but then at the end you were like we were pulling out we lost our nerve we're not doing it yeah it was still

because it was a duplex it was still pretty expensive and uh it was like oh it was the whole thing it was the whole thing like it was it would have been expensive but like you know tenants would have helped but also like you just it was a really old house so just it seemed like there would have been a lot of issues there but this place was like you know built in 19 either 47 or 57 i can't remember um so it's not like young but it's uh it's uh not super old and um got a lot of character and it was like the right size and yeah it smelled like dog piss and uh really really bad like eye-watering dog piss and there was there was um i'm gonna have to mark it down a couple grand because of the smell it's not as bad as cat piss oh yeah it was but no it was as bad as cat piss because there was just so much of it you know how it's like cat piss is just concentrated dog piss i feel you know and so this was it's the same but

i knew it was a dog because there were scratch marks all over oh they're so sad there's freaking owners before this they had there's a we still have the same door off on our bathroom but on the inside of the bathroom door which is a tiny tiny bathroom huge claw mark so they obviously just like locked the dog in there for oh that's yeah for a certain amount of time on end but enough enough to pee forever yeah when i stayed with you for uh one of the fringe festivals and the place was very much under construction and we didn't tell you i went to the grocery store i'm like i'm just gonna get some simple stuff that you just have to add water to or put in a microwave and those were not an option the kitchen didn't exist except for a fridge. There was no water, no microwave, no stove.

And we didn't tell you because we still wanted you to come and stay with us. That worked. It sure did. It sure did. But yeah, we had to refinish the floors. But we paid someone for that. And we paid someone to redo the roof or to like re-shingle it or whatever.

But we knocked out a couple walls. And I took the stucco off of the ceiling, you know, the popcorn ceiling. Oh, yeah. That must have been satisfying. But then we had someone quote for it. And every time someone quotes for it, it's like, oh, no, I don't want to do this anymore. How much does it cost? Oh, $900 just to do this one room that i physically can do no i'll

just do it yeah and you that uh popcorn ceiling that's very satisfying to to witness i'm sure it is in some parts and then in other parts it's just like glued on you know so sometimes oh man sometimes you get a good run of it where it's like peeling wallpaper and you just oh man and then so much of it comes down but a lot of times it's just like chipping away with it like a chit as a chisel you know right what is it what is that stuff is it i think it's stucco or maybe you know what it might be is just um uh uh oh god plaster it might be plaster and Graham you know there's between stucco and plaster right yes yes of course I live in a stucco place and I've redone it with plaster so sure uh my uh my neighbors like the the house that's being they, they did like a layer of what I assume is stucco. Uh, well, the first thing is like when they build a house and they put wood over top of it. They put paper, they put paper on the walls and then it gets like chicken wire and then it gets stuck oh yes right

right and then the i'm not sure what the last layer they just put on it's either more stuck it's a different color than the original stucco okay so i don't know if it's or if this was just some kind of thick paint yeah and also like stucco is one of those things that i don't have i don't like the look of it in general but uh when it cracks it looks so hideous yeah it's not like a piece of wood that splits or whatever it just looks looks like your house is ill when you've got cracks of stucco because like mold gets in it really quick or algae or whatever just just thinking about it upsets me um do you guys have stucco on your house no no we have uh we have vinyl siding don't worry or whatever. Just thinking about it upsets me. Do you guys have stucco on your house? No, no. We have

vinyl siding. Don't worry. Don't you worry. Nice. And mine is algae. Algae. So yeah, you finished the place and it's gorgeous. You guys did a good job. Thanks. Thanks. Yeah. There's always something something there's just never i i really didn't think that uh it would need well i mean

we also we also decided to add like finish the basement and add a bathroom and a and another and another bedroom which turned out to be a really good move because now with all of the chaos of moving and as i said angie st mars is moving with us um we now have me tim angie caitlin and jackie and three dogs living in this three bedroom two bathroom house could you imagine if it was a two bedroom one bathroom yeah that's now for the home listener i don't know who any of those people are either okay you know it was a bit of a roll call there yeah it was a bit of like it was a little too familiar for all right kaitlyn and jackie have moved into my place, so they're the legal tenants. They're the tenants.

Tim and I, I'm here. I'm Dana. Tim, for our listeners, Tim is past guest. Tim Gray. This is one of the many couples who've guested on the show. Many? Married couples. I wonder how many.

At least one other, because Julia Ladquitz and Matt O'Brien are a concern. The Tompkinses and the Pardos. Yeah, the Pardos. And Lucy and Desi. That's the whole crew. They barely get along, those two.

I'm sure there's absolutely a past guest listening who's furious we forgot them right now. Somebody that got married on the show. We completely forgot. Oh, yeah. And so you were saying all these people are living in your house because you are moving across the country. Moving across the country.

Moving to Toronto at the end of the month. And so we all kind of needed a place to stay and uh we decided why not here yeah why not here why not now wait what what's here my house oh they they decided why not yeah yeah and so when you go to toronto what toronto things do you hope to do within the first month that you live there what is what is on the list well i think that before we even get to the apartment like we're going to be driving up and i we're going to go to that cn tower you gotta drive right up a little bit do a quick tour yeah yeah ride up the glass elevator i don't know if it's a glass elevator but i imagine i did i did go up the sien tower i think the first time i went to toronto i was like let's get this over with yeah so there you go you gotta go up they'll

try and charge you for photos of you with your face around like king kong or whatever like that how much i don't care i'm doing it i don't know i don't completely understand what you're talking about but i'll pay it i'll pay it i'll pay it fifty dollars i don't care give me two same picture um so cn tower absolutely absolutely um i think that for the first for the first at least week maybe two weeks we're just going to kind of lay low and lay low

you got me on my knees I knew it I knew it you want to continue? yes lay low yes lay low you want to continue yes lay low yes lay low oh man

anyway go on go on you're a rock sound you don't happen to be going to Sweet Home Alabama anytime no but we will be driving up some country roads.

Yeah. Dave, you're not going to London home of some werewolves, are you? Got to get my amp fixed. Yeah, it sounds pretty good it sounds pretty good but it sounds good yeah um you're gonna lay low in toronto well just because yeah we were going on tim and i tim has planned tim gray past guest tim gray current husband um and uh he is planning husband of mine my current okay yeah i was just checking yeah yeah I'm bad now what does him want to do he wanted to do a tour he wanted to go he wanted to do a tour of western

canada before we move to toronto so we're we're doing a two-week tour and so it's going to be pretty grueling uh to be frank i'm not looking forward to it but um so and it's just the two of you right just the two of us okay yeah and you guys are hitting what cities are you hitting we're going to uh tim's the guy on this. Again, as I said, I'm not part of it really, except for the comedy. So we're going to Brandon, Regina, Saskatoon, Jasper, Calgary, Edmonton, Kamloops, Vancouver, Vancouver Island, two different places, I victoria and sydney holy shit and that is i'm pretty sure did i say colonna and colonna wow that's that's intense it's very

intense it's very intense and is that by car or by that is by car and not just car, but by Honda Fit. The tiniest, rattliest little chugger. At one time, the most popular car in the world. I don't know if it still is. I think it still is. I mean, I see them a lot. I see them a lot. They're a good price.

You can fit a lot in there and good for mileage, but not great for road trips. Yeah, not great. This is going to be you and Tim and a dog. No, the dog is going to stay here for the two weeks. I just feel like that would be crap. I thought he was the opening act. I thought he was going to open for you guys. Shit.

Well, now I think that we should. Is it called the fit because you can fit a lot in it or because it can fit anywhere? Oh, a little bit of column A, column B. Yeah, probably column A, column B. I always assumed because you could fit a lot in it because the seats fold down and you can put a whole drum set in there. Are you guys

doing that? Are you going to bring drums? Yeah, we're going to bring our own drums just in case we feel like noodling on it or learning. We're just learning drums right now. We're not good. Pull off on the side of the highway. We can't lose any progress that we've made, you know?

Yeah, that's true. Where are you? What type of places are you playing in bars? You're playing a little theaters. Where are you playing? A little bit of, of all of it.

Little bars. We got a Legion in Jasper. Oh, yeah. Crown and Thieves in Kelowna. So some breweries. Sure. And then I think it's a little theater in Saskatoon. Graham, she's going to name every venue.

Why, Graham? Yes, that's true. We already did every city. We're doing the grindstone. Uh-huh. In Edmonton. Do you have every, uh,

boy, what are, what's every ticket price and every date? No, I'm not. I don't, I don't know. Don't let Graham turn bad.

I know that I leave on the 13th. You leave on the 13th. Okay. I leave on the 13th. That's when I leave. Have you, is this the first time you've ever the 13th okay i leave on the 13th that's when i leave have you is this the first time you've ever done any sort of comedy touring well like we did a quote-unquote tour with hunks like we uh this driving from place to place like this like real on the road no this is

the first time this is the definitely the first time. This is the, definitely the first time. Yeah. Cause the hunk stuff, we flew from place to place and it was just a bunch of shows in a row, uh, from different places, different places. But this is the first time that it's been like across Canada and, uh, and by driving and with like that many shows,

Graham, have you done that? I haven't done that all in one gasp. I've done like where you go just to like saskatchewan go to saskatoon you go to regina and and then maybe alberta as well but never like that kind of huge long list because then is it all in a row do you do all the shows in a row or are there shows on the way back that's's there and back, kind of. Oh, okay. That's smart.

Yeah, that's pretty much there and back. It is a different place every day. We do an average of six hours of driving to the next place every day. Nice.

Very nice. Will you listen to each other's comedy albums because i've been in a car with a comedian that did that once listen to his own comedy album yeah or her really yeah and uh i was when i was very very starting out and i was like oh maybe this is it maybe this is how you do it you you hear the other person's album and take notes and, you know, maybe release your own album someday. Let an amateur listen to your album in the car when you drive around. But at least you're doing it with something you love. Yes. Yeah.

It'll be. I do like car trips. I feel like car trips are when we get a lot of our, like, heavy out of the way you know where it's like you there's not really much to distract you that you have the best conversations and you get you get to the root of a lot of things um or we can plan we can write too what's that i said does tim know about this yes yes i've warned him i've warned i want to get to the bottom of a few things, Tim, and if you have six hours a day to do it. We've got a lot of space to work on this.

We've got a lot of time. Well, that's exciting. Exciting. Big moves. Exciting. New town. New restaurants. New local haunts.

New tower. New tower. You know, you local haunts. New tower. New tower. New tower. You know, you could go see. On one night, you can see the Blue Jays, wow them in the stands, and then be courtside at the Raptors. I hope it's not the wowing in the stands that just made the news a couple days ago.

What happened? There was a couple made love. There's some people having sex in the aisle. Whoa. Yeah. That sounds more like a rugby game crowd i'm surprised that happened to baseball it does see but it wouldn't make the news in rugby because everybody's screwing all over the place in rugby who cares what's the best what's the best like professional sport game you've been to like the most fun harlem globetrotters whoa yeah they're amazing yeah like wow leading up to it i was like this is gonna be so dumb what you know we're gonna

be here and then i was wowed like one minute and i was like these guys are incredible they can do all these funny hilarious things they're great athletes they're funny the shit out of the washington generals that's the same team they play everywhere uh but yeah they're funny and they they're like really like you know at one point somebody used a ladder and that was funny and there was a trampoline that made an appearance yeah they put the basketball under their shirt. They look pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Take a maternity photo and then the last second slam dunk.

I think they're a bad influence on young basketball players because a lot of the kids forget about the fundamentals and start doing doing ladder tricks. Zany things, yeah. Panting the ref

kids we gotta focus on fundamentals that's him spinning a basketball on his finger how about you Dana have you been to unforgettable sporting events I can't like I can't remember the names of the teams or whatever but i think that like my favorite game that i ever saw was um it was either aussie rules football which is like rugby or like it's mostly metalhead yeah um or a professional rugby game in um in australia as well i just did it all in

australia you know like i had family there and then they just were like showing us around um and so i did i went to those two games and a professional soccer game and it was like i go to i go to some hockey games here because Tim's a hockey guy. He likes it, unfortunately. It's one of the things you're going to have to talk about. And Winnipeg's a very hockey town. But those are still fun because you get into the energy and it's just a fun time. But these were really fun because you're not cold.

It's not in a rink. And I'm not trying to be pervy here i'm not i swear but you can see more of their bodies so it's like it's like real people you know you can see the real people moving their real bodies you know rather than just like people you know because as you know it's the same thing as in like football where it's just like is that even a guy i don't know most of the time it's not it's a same thing as in, like, football, where it's just like, is that even a guy? I don't know. Most of the time, it's not. Yeah. It's a bear. It could be a bear.

Usually that Hugh Jackman movie with the fighting robot. Real steel. Is that a garbage can on wheels? I don't know. I'm taking my kids to this minor league baseball game tonight. And they've been before pre pandemic. Uh, and they were too excited about it.

I'm, I'm like trying to temper their expectations. I'm like baseball. You're. It's boring. It's very boring. It's boring. Very,

very long. We're going, we're not staying to the end. Okay, good. You are, we're going to go like, I'm just trying to get them excited about the food that they're going to get to eat.

Yeah. Truly, that's the thing. You got to get to eat hot dogs. Maybe they'll throw it at them, you know? Throw a hot dog at the player? No, maybe the guy. Oh, the guy will pitch it at them, yeah. Yeah, that'd be fun.

He better not. My kid's a good kid. But like, yeah, there's like, oh, there's sushi races. They've got mascots dressed as different pieces of sushi race each other. That's cute. Wasabi is the big winner, right? Doesn't wasabi win every time? Because he cheats.

Yeah, I think you can get a wasabi cap, like a baseball cap with the wasabi logo on it. That's cool. If they're throwing those out in the stands, make sure to push with other people out of the way to get one. I love that. What's the best sporting event you ever saw, Dave? Hockey games. One of many hockey games. They all blend together. I have to go see the Vancouver Grizzlies from time to time. And then I have to go see the Vancouver Grizzlies from time to time. Yeah, and then what happened?

I have to go see them in Memphis now. I have to go see them in Memphis. But these freaking... Okay, in every single one of those three games that I saw, there were full team fights. Actually, not in the soccer one, but like in both of the the rugby or aussie rules football but the entirety of the team was one just big mosh pit of fighting and that was great

that was so much fun there were multiple streakers because australia you know it was great and a lot of good chance yeah a lot of intensity yeah the streaker thing i've never seen anybody streak i saw three people streak in those nice they get and they get i heard that what happens because you get a lifetime ban but you also get like a 10 to 15 000 fine dollar fine i thought you could say that you get like a t-shirt your lifetime band but you do also get a million dollars well it's worth it if you can do it if you can make it the whole way across yeah they feel really bad about finding you yeah so they give you like a 10 to 15 000 fine something around there um but what a lot of people will do is they'll get a bunch of people to pitch

in to pay for the fine for someone who just doesn't really care about not going to a game again or maybe hopes to like sneak in or something that. And then so people will pay these people to streak. That's great. I would go to a streaking party if there was one. I've definitely been to Canadian football games where way too many people just ran on the field

and there was not enough security to stop them. They were naked, they were just drunk. The thing is is if you're running out of the field you expect security to tackle you and send like uh let you out but if if there's not enough security you're kind of the people are just kind of confused they're like they run out onto the field and then they i guess i'll have they're like now I'm tired. I'll show myself out. And yeah, if you are a person that's just ran out on the field,

if you score a touchdown, it counts for whatever touchdown you win in. Depending on what color shirt you're wearing. Yeah, exactly. There was a, when I lived up kind of in like this very Indian neighborhood, there was a game called Djibouti, I think. And it was Red Rover and football and wrestling all rolled into one. It's one of the most fun things to watch that I've encountered. I didn't know what I was watching the first time I went down, and then I Googled it and figured out what the rules were,

and then went down and watched the rest of it. So Red Rover, wrestling, and what? Football. And a bit like football, because you are trying to get something. Right. You're trying to get something past the line. But they do. They full-on wrestle each other. And you're trying to

break through everybody's got their arms linked red rover style so it's it's complicated but man oh man oh man i killed at red red rover this is what i'm saying i am an athlete but just without the sport yeah what's the secret what's like how do you do you just need to pick the weakest link just knowing who the weakest links were like truly i was a child so it was it was easy to to win yeah you know you have to figure out which kid had the lack of self-confidence yeah yeah it's truly it is the lack of self-confidence where it's like you are not even trying like you they basically let go the second i got to them is it is it hand holding or is it arms linked hand holding okay so yeah you can just pick the people with the greasiest fingers

yeah he ate fries for lunch uh yeah uh yeah i did i think red rover was allowed i feel like certain games were told we couldn't there was a game where you people would whip a ball at your butt if you didn't if you didn't it was like kind of like handball but if you didn't make it then that was the punishment what was it called i don't remember that it was it was definitely banned i know that whatever it was something it was like red ass yeah it was something like that maybe it's called asshole or something like that. Maybe it was called Asshole or something like that. Yeah, what games got banned from your school? Like, I don't think they do Red Rover anymore,

although I don't know that kids, where would they even learn it? But where did we learn it? It's not like it was... Older kids? Yeah, older kids, I guess. Movies. Movies, sure. Dead Poets Society.

Yeah. I assume. Lord of the flies i assume yeah the um one of the things that was definitely outlawed i think in junior high was those skipping ropes that had like plastic segments on oh because everybody would just whip each other with them they were taken away. Because they hurt a lot more than a regular rope would, you know? Yeah. Yeah, we weren't allowed to have yardsticks. Something, yeah, like

there's definitely things that were taken away in general. Like I think somebody really made a mess of the long jump pit. So that was just your long jump pit taken away yeah yeah oh man and i was a contender i'll tell you yeah i could jump way past the p that they way past the what uh past the area that they all peed on that was basically they turned it into a giant litter box. Right.

And they're not going to replace sand. They're not going to get a whole new sand building. This was our sand budget for the decade. I feel like we got banned from bringing Pokemon cards to school. Oh, yeah. You know, because kids would get into huge fights about it and uh it became this it became like a commerce it became its own little capitalist system um and uh yeah so i'm pretty sure that those got and then do you remember the what are they called pogs oh pogs yeah yeah gambling right yeah and we also had marbles

That was the other one that you couldn't do marbles Oh sure we had a thing with like hockey cards If you would like You would angle them against the wall And then fling hockey cards at them And then the winner would get All of them The other person's card

How do you win I think you knock down the one that's leaning against the wall oh okay right yeah there was what was the game some stupid thing in high school but i remember if you lost you had to put your knuckle down on the desk and then somebody would flick a quarter oh under your knuckle to like oh we just played that not even as a losing battle we just played that game like that was the whole game where the whole game and you had to start it kind of like um where your finger is backwards and then you'd have to go flick and then yes get in such a way and then everyone started

just having bloody knuckles all the time because yeah i think that's what it wasn't it called bloody knuckles was the one where you would like, you'd have your hands underneath the other person's hands and you'd flip them over. And if the person flinched, you got a free hit. Yeah. And then like, that's the open, that's the slap one. But then there's also the knuckle version where you just hold both your fists

and you just punch each other's fists, basically. That was allowed. The teachers were like, more of that. Yeah, they liked that. They liked that a lot. We'd rather you guys hit each other's knuckles than hit the staff's knuckles. We also had kind of a, it was sort of like table hockey, but your fingers,

you put your, you did like the devil fingers. Oh yeah, was this like a football style? Well no, you would do it flat on the table and that would be like a goal and you take three coins yeah and you would have to like complete uh you would have to send one coin between the other two and then keep going down the table tabletop until you got to the other person's goal and tried to score i think it was with some kind of with flicking yeah it's like you leave kids to their own devices.

They'll come up with a game. The problem now is too many kids have their own devices. All right. And they want to play Flappy Bird. They want to play that one. I'm just now thinking of just games on my own phone. I think the thing is kids will figure out even with a phone they'll figure out how to use the phone to inflict most pain i guess

um yeah kids kids are great man yeah yeah i love yeah um uh dave what's going on with you my friend well uh today the day that we're recording this is the first day of school speaking of kids oh shit oh shit i'm supposed to be there oh this is my worst nightmare and i'm naked oh my god oh shit oh shit oh shit um and it's uh a very very much a tease because that's all you wait all summer long for the first day of school and it's only an hour long yeah like I didn't even have time to go home between dropping them off

did like as I feel like that first day back like you say it was just an hour did Margo like wear her nice back to school clothes or is that saving it for the next? Oh, no, no.

This was today. That was all about today. Okay. They have their first day outfits planned for months. They were so like, they honestly were excited to go back to school. And except for like a two hour panic, like last night. Wait a minute. I actually, it's actually happening.

Oh no. Yeah. Oh God. Oh God. Oh no. My sleep. night wait a minute i actually it's actually happening oh no yeah oh god oh god oh no my sleep my sleep is all messed up from staying up late all summer do you remember first your first did you was it the same for you guys with the first day outfits because that was a huge thing for me yeah all throughout school yeah hell yeah especially when I transitioned from elementary to junior high, because that was you picking out an identity as a 13 year old. This is who I'm going to be for this year.

This is who I'm going to be this year. Yeah. Yeah. So on the first day, you've got to wear your very best stuff. Yeah. My, uh,

boy, my first, my identity that I usually came up with was little Lord Fauntleroy, uh, giant lollipop. With curls. up with was little lord fauntleroy uh giant lollipop girls later hosen yeah a weird little hapsburg boy yeah yeah a big somebody with a big lolly something like that

yeah what uh what identities were available to you yeah that was a tough one because something that was like, you want it to be right down the middle. You didn't want to be on either side causing too much commotion. And so sometimes I think maybe not in elementary school, but in junior high, I like chickened out of a, a look that I was going to have and just went with normal clothes.

What was your look? Yeah. I like, I was going to wear a leather jacket. You know what I mean? I was going to jacket. That was going to be my outerwear. Too many people are going to make fun of you for this jacket. Also, you'll be sweating because it's

the first week of September. I'm sweltering. The leather is blistering. This was pretty cheap, actually. What was yours, Dana? What kind of look did you go for um well yeah i i had to toe the line because i went to school in a small town and they weren't quite ready for full me you know okay okay yeah they weren't quite ready for

it i was already a little bit of the you know odd one out because i didn't live in the small town that i went to school in the small town was only like 300 people um so everyone was like related um but truly they were it was all bodets and uh legos and there's all these french names um okay went to a small little french metis town um so uh i already was stuck out a little bit so i didn't want to push the rock the boat too much but i had to put my own little flair on it i definitely i'm thinking like as a younger kid it was a lot of like you know mickey mouse heavy things you know like uh it was tights with a really big mickey mouse sweatshirt that was oh yeah that's a good look in the 90s um and then uh in middle school um it was kind of like uh it was kind of preppy but with an edge you know you know do you remember those shirts that

were that were like the collar was sewed on to the other shirt that was that was huge for a bit oh oh yeah yeah yeah where it was still layered but it was not it was one item it was one item a lot of those yeah wow the mickey mouse is a good call because my one of my daughters is where today wore a baby yoda shirt okay yeah and i was like oh that's okay well like they like i wonder if kids at this because she's never seen any star wars thing she just likes baby yoda but i also like i don't imagine any other grade threes have watched the mandalorian no so it's not like i don't expect a lot of like cross-examination from no the conversation is not going to be about the inconsistencies within the universe it's going to be it's going to be how cute baby yoda is um but uh yeah that's the same with mickey mouse it's

just like yeah mickey mouse you gotta hand it to that guy. Yeah. Yeah, there's nothing to know about Mickey Mouse other than, here, it's him. It's him. Yeah, exactly. I just, like, all I think about with Mickey Mouse is he's terribly unfunny. Like, he's just, he's the straight man in his own world. Yeah. Goofy and Donald are the funny guys. And, like, yeah, Mickey's just kind of like, it's his house. He's the Seinfeld. He's the Seinfeld 2. He is. Yeah. Goofy and Donald are the funny guys. And like, yeah, Mickey's just kind of like, it's his house.

He's the Seinfeld. He's a Seinfeld 2. He is. Yeah. Goofy is Kramer. Yeah, absolutely. Minnie is Elaine. Yeah, and then you got Donald Duck.

He's got to be George. George. Oh, my God. Well, we cracked the code, everybody. Yeah, we really did. Thank God. That's what they pitched when they pitched Seinfeld. It wasn't a show about nothing

It was a show about Disney Did you know that Donald Is a sailor So that's why he wears the sailor outfit And the Huey, Dewey and Louie That DuckTales

Where it was Huey, Dewey and Louie and their Uncle Scrooge scrooge was taking care of them because donald was and it's not called on tour what's it called oh like did a tour did a tour he was he was sailing with the army so shit huey dewey and Louie are Donald and Daisy's kids yeah I guess that makes sense although you wouldn't be able to tell looking at her wow Daisy does

keep it tight that's true please what kind of tour were they doing a USO tour I don't remember what but he's he was a sniper fighting battles yeah on the boat fighting boat battles um yeah i feel like disney's a safe pick i feel like there would be some kids that would come to school with a radically different haircut. Oh, yeah. That was something to watch out for.

There were three kids in one class that had brightly colored hair. Oh, yeah. Today? Today. Yeah. No, when I was a kid, there was nobody with dyed hair. No way. And it's sort of like a little bit of a, what do you mean?

Oh, yeah, it's the first day of school, but my hair is always like this. Yeah, you really had to play it cool. It's like, I've always had these clothes, actually. Yeah. What I did was I had, actually, I did dye my hair, but it was with Kool-Aid. I dunked the tips in the Kool-Aid. And so I came to school with the blonde hair and the red tips. And then you would just suck on the ends of your hair.

And it tasted like Kool-Aid. It was freaking sweet. Oh, man. And that was your reputation. That was, yeah. Dana eats hair. Dana eats hair. But we all kind of want to suck on her hair.

Yeah, maybe you can do some grape next time oh man my sister was telling me that one time that what they would do in school with the kids is that they would cut their skin um and uh and they would give themselves tattoos this is an elementary school and they would either dunk they would either put literal pen ink in the cuts yeah um or they would put kool-aid in the cuts huh and did it take yeah do they did they did it work i didn't have any follow-up questions i just got lost in my own in my own head the uh well like uh there was a kid that i went to school with junior high let's say grade eight and he had two tattoos and it was fucking wild you're like why does this 14 year old have not

one but two real true tattoos real true tattoos yeah but were they like homemade or were they like stick and poke they looked like they were done professionally but you know how like tattoos now like you can look it looks like a person's face and stuff but back then it was just like an emblem that just turned into kind of a green blob yeah he had that he had like green blobby i think maybe one was a crucifix and i can't remember the other one but oh cool yeah yeah but it was like when you saw that guy coming, you're like, run in the other direction. Yeah, no kidding. His parents don't give a fuck.

They don't give a fuck. Exactly. Signed on for this. Yeah. Yeah. Party at Steve's house. You know the parents. If it's professional, you definitely need a waiver at first.

Yeah. I'm not going in with a fake ID. I think it was local comedian Steve Taddy had a bit about how Bic makes pens, razors, and lighters. Everything you need for a prison tattoo. That's true. I never thought of that. Yeah. Yeah.

Kids would get up to stupid shit like that all the time. But I, uh, I wonder if they had to like get another tattoo over them as they got older. Cause it just like would look more and more like a splotch as time went on. There was a guy I worked with, he had a Winnie the Pooh one and it just looked like a, like a worm. That would be cool to, if you were in a gang and the logo of the gang with the splotch yeah it's just you're part of the rorschachs do either of you have tattoos no i i have always said i don't but i secretly do really yeah wherever you whatever's covered is covered in tattoos yeah i'm like dolly parton everywhere uh Everywhere that's underneath my weird one piece jumpsuit covered in tattoos. Do you, Dana?

No. It's interesting that none of us have tattoos because I feel like it's very common. Yeah. Yeah. Tim has a giant one on his chest, if I recall correctly. Yeah, it's unfortunate. I don't like it, but it's not nice. It was not a good decision, I don't think it but it's not nice it was not a good decision i don't think on his part but he was 13 what are you gonna do

his parents basically bought it for him for christmas um and it's like what is it a chess piece and it looks like it's like a family crest with it's got everything cringy on there man it's got like the the drama masks on it oh yeah yeah yeah it's got a couple of dolphins making a circle yeah it says something in chinese i looked up my uh family crest for my scottish side the urkharts and uh it's so cool it's a topless lady really yeah topless lady with um is holding a sword and uh some like plant oh yeah it says mean well speak well and do well nice oh see i thought that said melanie will speak well and do well um yeah there's like different versions of it and then but it's always the topless lady that's always the topless lady but in some uh puritanical versions she's nipple-less ah nipple-less nipple

bee oh lord um yeah would you ever get a tattoo dana probably not it's just not something that's ever been on my radar like it's not Oh, Lord. Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo, Dana? Probably not. It's just not something that's ever been on my radar. Like, it's not. I don't know. After I saw a girl with a dragon tattoo, I was like, maybe I get an entire back piece.

But no, I didn't. I know I wouldn't. I'm far too reasonable with my money. Would you get a full back tattoo that says breathe? That would be a fun one to have. I just have to write it in reverse because I have to look at it in the mirror. Although two mirrors so I would have to have it

in normal. Did you ever, yeah, I wanted to get a back tattoo after I saw the girl with the dragon tattoo and then I wanted to kick a hornet's nest after I saw the girl who kicked the hornet's nest. And then you started all those fires for the third one. Did you, um,

did you see the second one? Were they, did they have any of the same actors? The second one was, they didn't do the second one in America, did they? They did. Not in America.

I saw three of the Swedish ones and they were fantastic. Yeah. I did. The first American one or english language one was great the second one had claire foy they they did they did it like a year they did do a second one yeah but they changed the actor the the girl with the dragon tattoo yeah i think it was claire foy from uh the queen show and she was like i got my whole back tattooed for this role. I method, and you're not going to give me... I'm out now? I'm not even a part of the series anymore? Holy shit, you guys.

Also, she shaved her eyebrows. And that's a risky gambit. Maybe it never comes back. I don't think that's too risky. It's risky. As someone... A lot of women have plucked. Well, I mean, there's a difference between shaving and plucking.

There sure is. But there's a lot of 90s eyebrows still out there. That's true. Yeah. No, but you shave them, they'll grow back. Maybe. Some people say they grow back thicker if you do that. You end up with like Eugene Levy's? Noomi. Noomi. Rapace. Rapace. back thicker if you end up with like eugene levies new me new me repass repass um she's got such eyebrows yeah um so either they grew back thicker or it was just a real risk that she took

yeah it's um uh i don't know this person you're talking about but does she have a brown eyebrow? She's a Swedish girl with a dragon tattoo. Oh, no, sorry. I'm thinking Rooney Mara was the other one. The Noomi rap pass was the... From Rooney to Noomi. We should do a podcast called From Rooney to Noomi.

Where we talk about the different tattoos that they may or may not have. We mostly center on those movies. And the eyebrows. What is it like to shave those eyebrows? The movies of Rooney and Noomi. There's like the movie Drive. Albert Brooks is in Drive and he shaved his eyebrows just so that you you thought he was creepy but you're not sure

why like it never like the whole time you're thinking yeah he looked scary and weird and it's because he shaved his eyebrows and didn't he didn't know it so you could really freak somebody out if you showed up without eyebrows somewhere yeah first day at school first day no i've never had eyebrows what do you mean yeah the bleached eyebrows are in now bleached eyebrows what's that bleached eyebrows

it's a thing yeah what do you think it is Graham I think it's that you that you come with like completely white

eyebrows is that basically what it is well like blonde yeah blonde eyebrows yeah white blonde eyebrows it's creepy

sounds like fun i mean i'm bleaching my butthole anyway i might as well yeah i might as well while i'm down there well i'm actually i'm just using white out on my because i saw it i photocopied it i didn't like the look of it so i used what we had at the office. Yeah. While your pants were still down. Yeah.

It's important to use the devices around you. Yeah. Yeah. And then you like to leave those little kiss marks on the on the walls. Somebody was kissing in here or. Or. Someone was practicing their kissing about three feet from the ground about a meter

stick from the ground Graham what's going on with you well last week I believe it was last week I had gone to Vancouver's own Pacific National Exhibition, the fair, the city's fair that goes on. Do you have a fair that comes through Winnipeg?

Yes, we do. And I went this year because I did a show there and it was terrifying. The show? So many face tattoos. It was horrifying. Is it? So many 13-year-olds with face tattoos? No, truly. And there was like a ton of children just running around screaming at like 10 p.m.

And I'm sorry to interrupt your story, Grant. No, no, no. This is it. I want to get to the meat of the issue. Man, it was scary. I didn't want to go up. Not because I wasn't going to get laughs, because that was a given people were just not there for comedy yeah um but i was worried that people would like throw stuff at me because everyone just looked so angry um and like

the day before someone had been shot there jesus yeah did they think that it was some sort of game did they just miss at the shoot the target game yeah no they got so mad about losing at one of those like ring toss games that they shot a 16 year old employee there oh my god that's yeah a couple people were shot um i don't think anyone died what the hell i know i know but then i was like oh my gosh oh my gosh maybe maybe the show will be canceled and it wasn't and i was like okay and then i show up there and i'm like honestly i'm surprised that someone isn't shot here every day like it is it is terrifying okay yeah ours doesn't go on any rides everybody had to check their gun before they got on the ride.

Don't worry, we'll be back here for you when you get off the ride. I was really worried because the comedy tent was right next to the brick giveaway. How many bricks do you think are in this tub? Looks like 16. Yeah, you get a prick um ours is not as scary as that uh some of the rides are though rides are so scary oh my god elevator oh yeah no thanks up high swings uh didn't go on any of the rides don't uh last time I went on rides I got very violently sick and I don't I feel like I know after

it I feel like something happened with my inner ear that no longer wants me to be on rides but I used to love them I used to love the rides something happened with my outer ear check this new earring out you're going back to school dangly cross

nice look yeah good look powerful what so you went last time you went about a week ago yeah

to go and you went to see Cake perform Cake yeah oh cool and the funny thing

I didn't mention it before I don't think that they give away a tree at every show that they do oh Cake does yeah they find somebody in the audience that like will pledge to plant the tree and then take a picture of it and send them to their website and their website has like a global map and you can click

on it and it's all the places they've left trees that then wow yeah it was fun it was like a really cool yeah and he had his own t-shirt cannon so that was pretty fun as well uh great show great show all around but this time uh it was some kind of cedar it was like a like a small kind of it would i think it would grow to be quite big but yeah it was a west something cedar um but uh i went back to the fair was and first thing when i was at the fair before i ate a potato tornado and i what's that it's a potato it's like kind of like a stick that has a spiraled up potato oh yeah and is there shit on it or like, is it just, yeah, they roll it around in shit. Yeah. They take it to the long jump pit at Graham's old school.

And, uh, yeah, I had that. And then I had, uh, mini donuts, which is, uh,

you have to have at least one bag of mini donuts every time you go. Uh, this time is the sequel. which is you have to have at least one bag of mini donuts every time you go. This time, the sequel, I was down there to see Burton Cummings and Randy Bachman play, and that show was packed, and it was great. They were a fantastic show. From your hometown of Winnipeg. Yeah. Yeah, from here.

Everyone's got a Burton Cummings story here. Yeah, we know. We asked for them on stage and the audience when we did the show and the audience was like the audience was generally like where these stories are going to be too sad you're not going to be able to handle them yeah but he was he was on fire and he like said he just kind of said between songs he'd either tell like we wrote this uh while waiting for the ferry or whatever and then one point he says are you ready for some toe tap and finger snap and rock and roll i'm very ready for that yes that's what i'm spraying something and what was it what did he play he played uh well what was it? I think maybe it was Running Back to Saskatoon.

And they only played the hits. No weird deep cuts. Good for them. I like that. Yeah. Are they shorter sets? They're not like playing two-hour concerts. I think it was about an hour, like an hour and 20 maybe. And then they did an encore encore but I left before the encore

because I wanted to get away from the crowds and what I ate this time out another bag of mini donuts nice street corn which did you put shit on it yeah I put shit on it I rolled it around on the floor

actually they say there's a big bucket of turds I put shit on it. I rolled it around on the floor. Actually, they say, yeah, there's a big bucket of turds. Because it's also the agricultural fair. Yeah. Yeah. It's for side by side, you know. Street corn, corn dog, vegetarian corn dog, giant corn dog. Vegetarian corn dog.

Wonderful. Yeah. It was good. It was really good eatings and then uh another bag of mini donuts delicious delicious and uh yeah two in one night two bags no two in two visits okay right um but uh the weirdest thing was trying to picture their view because their view on stage just looks into where the rides are. So they, I know cake commented on a quite a few things, but everybody was facing the opposite way.

And, uh, so that, that's a weird thing to play too. I'm sure. Um, but they did a good show. Then on the fairgrounds,

as you're just walking around, there's a dueling pianos tent. And those guys ruled. They did requests and they did a wide catalog right up to today's hits. And that was everybody's entertaining. So I've never been to a dueling pianos bar or show or anything. Are they like going song for song and are the pianos facing each other this one like they were they weren't facing each other but they all they played

every song together different parts of the song at the same time are they are they upright pianos are they baby grands these were i think these were more like keyboards. Because I'm imagining how the way that a grand piano has that shape. You could have a yin-yang kind of black and white. But it's great. They sang

hits. They would do the thing. It would be the most fun thing as a musician in the world. You sing the thing and then you stop and the crowd takes it over that's a fun fun ongoing gag what's a good song for that oh they did like Billy Joel

Uptown Girl you know it was like they just paused and Uptown Girl and everybody was like she's been living in her world yeah sweet caroline's a good one for that caroline was in there bruno mars is um uh uptown funk yeah yeah and um did they just do a stage that was like teen dance squad and that ruled because the teen dance squad would do their thing and then the stage had these big pillars

that shot fire out of them every every song and so it was they were attracting the most attention but really they were taking away from the dancing but the giant fireballs yeah uh i'm sure it was cool to work there but i um can i pitch something yes please combine teen dance squad yeah with a dunk tank and then have synchronized swimming squad and you the audience decides who's who who remains a dancer and who becomes a synchronized swimmer dunk tanks are i've never seen them at the fair but i was always they were always sold to me as this is a fair thing yeah yeah but we did have one at a block party last year that was pretty fun oh that's really fun did everybody get a turn or was there just something it was uh

no everyone wanted to get dunked everyone wanted to dunk people like kids were showing up in swimsuits and by the end it was filthy because it was just like oh yeah like grass clippings from every kid they're like on their feet. And at the very end you were like, I really, if you could miss the mark, please. So it's,

you have to throw something at a target, right? Yeah. It's like a, it's like a, yeah. Like a, a button that could crunks and then you fall in. And like the old timey thing was to have somebody like a crank on there.

Yeah. Making fun of everybody and say, Oh yeah. thing was to have somebody like a crank on there making fun of everybody and saying I wouldn't be able to dunk them yeah Mr. Belding yes yeah Mr. Belding also I've never seen the thing where it's like a hammer and you hit a thing and oh they had that make the bell

ring at the top they had that at the at the peony because I was like oh I gotta go oh it's over that's over maybe next year but yeah you can probably order your own uh strongman bell game the only one in the neighborhood everyone's gonna be like a weird crooked uh garage yeah not gonna fit in my yard the neighbors are gonna be like guess who's up like a rooster yeah start my day by working out by hammering a thing oh man should we move on to some overheards? Yes, please. All right.

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on MaximumPod.org today! Overheard! Overheards! Well, if you're having a summer where you don't have to wear a toque and you can hear completely uninterrupted, unencumbered, then boy, oh boy, is this the time for you? And it's called Overheards. We like to start with the guest. Dana, will you please lead the way? start with the guest dana will you please lead the way i'd love to so i have two nephews one is three the other's five and um we were on a camping trip this past like two weeks ago and uh and my the three-year-old nephew was jumping off of my mom's lap and i guess she caught a whiff of something she thought maybe he'd shit his pants um and she's like oh no alex i think oliver shit his pants or pooped his pants and then my overheard is that then alex was like get over get over here oliver i gotta smell your butt and then he went and he sniffed his butt and he was like wait wait nope he just didn't wipe good enough yeah i know how to zero in on this i believe me i've

seen this before yeah it is uh yeah there's it's it's so odd that you could just like go up to another human being and open the back of their pants and just check. Yeah, I saw a mother the other day just like with a toddler, like just pull down his pants and let him go pee in the bush, which is fine. But it's still funny to see a little little person being in a bush and then on this same canoe camping trip actually um my sister was sitting like my the older nephew alex the five-year-old was like hey that's a pretty sweet playground do you think do you think we could maybe invite Auntie to that playground? And my sister was like, yeah, I'm sure that she would be fine with going with you to the playground. And then the three-year-old Oliver was like, yeah, maybe I can whack her.

And then I get her over here and I can whack her. I got a stick all picked up. Really big at the hitting. Yeah. I got a stick all picked up. Really big at the hitting. Yeah. I got a yardstick. Dave, do you have an overhand? Oh, sure. And I'm just debating which one to do.

Oh, lucky, lucky. I think I'll use one of my own children's. So there was this, our dog, we have a dog who's a puppy and a dog who's older and the puppy is very bitey and so we have this like i don't know if you guys ever saw this video but a few years ago there was this video of a woman it was like a news video of a woman whose dog had bitten a guy right and this woman was like in hysterics because her dog had bit this guy

and she thought he was going to lose her dog and her dog was this little chihuahua who's crazy. Right. And in the video, she's like, he bite me all the time. He, you know, he bite my Labrador. He bite my Labrador penis. And I don't want him to bite my Labrador. He bite my Labrador penis. And I don't want him to bite my Labrador.

He is beautiful. So this video, we've been watching this video a lot in my family. And then the other day, Poppy just like out of nowhere just walked into the room and goes, He bite me. Penis style. and dabs on nice that's that's a lot of like he sells it yeah that's a lot of like you know far-flung elements to combine all into one bit yeah it needed a little bit of backstory

he bite me penis Yeah, it needed a little bit of backstory. He bit me. Penis down. That's great. That's very cute and hilarious. We're very proud of her. Well, you should be. Mine comes from sitting at a bench,

which was kind of like hidden away from the midway at the fair. And there was some guy. Boy, he was in a funk. He was with two women, and he was just pouting out loud. And the girl, I don't know if it was his girlfriend or what, but she was absolutely antagonizing him and said, Are you mad? Are you upset? You can cry. girlfriend or what but she was absolutely antagonizing him and said are you mad are you upset you can cry oh that's that's not a girlfriend that's like an older sister that's an older sister yeah yeah he could cry

no come on cry come on you're gonna cry i effing dare you you got someone to cry about they cry um we also have overheard sent in to us from people all over the place if you want to send one to us you can send it to spy at maximumfund.org and uh this first one comes from Alexandra in New Jersey. I was waiting for commuter train at a busy transit hub in New Jersey when I overheard a very polished, professional-looking woman gleefully say into her phone, Fire me.

It's okay. I promise you it's okay. I don't care. Really? I don't care. And then she giggled to herself. That's good. Just having a little fun with whoever's on the other end yeah yeah fire me but i know i i i've actually been quiet

quitting slowly yes slowly quite quitting the show you may have noticed that i'm not very good at it yeah dave's been showing up like just a couple minutes into the starting he shows up oh guys it was crazy out there commute from the kitchen sometimes I'll just interrupt someone's story and try like playing guitar riffs we said it surely hasn't come to this but

we one step at a time right but go ahead fire me i don't care you can't fire me if i'm soft quitting or whatever graham who could uh would could either of us fire each other from this show uh we never really have a constitution i you know what we don't but if you fire me i will swat you i will swat your house oh yeah well if you swat me i'll dox you ah shit i feel like i could fire you yeah that's true oh you should let the guest fire one of us it'd be my pleasure i need to practice yeah i'm quiet firing it's uh i'm only doing fire regget during business hours.

This next one comes from Casey in Arkansas. We had just finished kindergarten orientation. Got home when I realized my five-year-old had a white hair on his head. I exclaimed, Dean, you're getting so big you have a white hair. To which he replied, yeah, I've been really stressed. I'm prematurely gray. Yeah, I don't know, man. The sand table, the water table is... Those are the shit.

Yeah, all the sensory stuff. Oh, that's so cute. My nephew said a similar thing. He got home from daycare and he was like i need a bubbly water long hard day at the office yeah what's a guy gotta do to get some bubbly water i will say that i'm now uh now that my kids are uh grade one and grade three i it's a lot easier like having this one hour first day of school was a bit of a tease but uh the way that they have the kids enter kindergarten is it takes like a week to build up to a full day oh yeah sure so it's like they don't even start on the first day and then their first day is an

hour their second day is also an hour and then like it takes a week until they're doing a full day of school. Right. Then, yeah. And then they're there every day or they go just three times a week or. Oh, they're there all day. They're fully indoctrinated. Yeah. By the end, they're doing 80 hour weeks.

Staying late. Yeah. You got to finish this block tower. So. Yeah. You're going to have to put in some OT. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I got to finish this block tower. So, yeah. Put in some OT. Yeah. Yeah.

Old man McGrothers is really breathing down my neck on this project. McGrothers. This last one comes from Rebecca S. from Columbus, Ohio.

I overheard this in a clothing store. I overheard this in a clothing store at a mall in Akron, Ohio. I'm thirsty. Those candles made me want a margarita.

So maybe a lime candle? Sure. Some agave candle. Yeah, an agave candle, some sort of salt candle. Coconut. No, that's not. That's pina colada. Never mind.

Pina colada. Yeah. But I've never smelled a candle and gotten thirsty. I usually smell a candle and get a migraine they're so powerful not the way I do them you make candles I have one of yours still

kicking around the old homestead but mine are soy so when you light them the scent doesn't disperse too much I basically am saying, I'm not very good at making candles. When you light them,

they go out right away. I tried to do soy candles and I started growing breasts. Yeah. People started calling you soy boy. Yeah. Little tiny man breasts. But perky.

Yeah, perky. Dave keeps it tight. Yeah. Like Daisy. Like Daisy. Yeah, perky. Dave keeps it tight. Yeah. Like Daisy. Like Daisy. Huge nips, though. Huge nipples. Huge nipples, yeah.

Beef nips. Yeah, pepperoni nips. But with soy milk coming out of them. Which I then collect, and I put a little wick in. Yeah. To everybody's enjoyment. In addition to overheards that are written

in, we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us. Our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. SpyPod 1. Like these people have. So I'm a public librarian and I was on my lunch break

and I sat down on the bench not far from the library and three boys rode their bicycles by once and then rode back the other way and then rode back a third time. The third time they rode by

they yelled at me. One of them did. They said, you look like... Hey, you bitch. You look like Mr. Bean, bitch. Oh, shit. You got dunked on by some teens. Yeah. Oh, man.

You Mr. Bean looking bitch. Yeah. To be fair, she was changing into her swimsuit. Trying to get her underwear out. Yeah, I mean, man, oh, man. Nobody wants to be dunked on by teens. Every group of teen that's walked by, I'm like, it could happen any day.

I know. I'm scared of it. I'm scared of it. Because they're going to go right for the jugular. They're not going to be. What are they going to say you look like? Mr. Bean? Me? Mr. Bean. Me?

Mr. Bean. Both of you? Yeah. Mr. Bean. Yeah. Oh, shit. And what are you going to say back to that? Nothing.

Thank you for the insult. Yeah. Yeah. May I have another? Their face tattoos. Oh, my God. That's so scary. I was scared of it at the uh at that fair

and they looked ruthless and you were on you were on stage doing comedy exactly so i just did not leave any pauses nothing for yeah just constant words coming out of my mouth. How was it? How was the actual show? Was it awful? You know, it was about as I expected it would be. It was a very good paycheck. And I just kind of told stories to no one for about 15 minutes. Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah.

Yeah. I did comedy once at a like a fun run thing it was in a stadium it was like however many laps you got yeah donations for and uh it was the worst the worst goddamn gig we were on like the loudspeaker and the people were like a hundred yards away from yeah everyone was so far away but then i'm like there were some people who were like oh this is like a weird show and it's like don't say that like that people don't know that and like then because the people the thing is that like after you got off stage you had i had a bunch of people be like yeah you were great whatever and it's like i didn't hear or see you at what yeah where the hell are you

this told yeah where the hell what the hell and like either people were just staring or uh or i couldn't see them right um or they weren't looking and talking to themselves um so but then there are some people who were so i'm glad that like yeah you don't want to be like this is a weird show i'm doing bad yeah just tell your stories everybody else is killing those teenage dancing teenagers getting standing ovations. Dana, I feel like in the course of this podcast, the sun has moved and you are in between two windows. Look at this. This is where I used to be. This is the in between two windows.

Just make sure you don't renovate and make that place between the windows too skinny. You wanted to be able to cup big. Yes, you want to do cup big. Just about the size of a packing tape big.

Yeah. All right, next phone call. Hi, Dave, Graham, and possible guests. This is Noah from Indiana calling in with an overheard. I worked in the library, and the other day we found something that someone had left there. It was a little laminated card, sort of memento. On one side it had a kid's name and the date

and the name of a church. And on the other side it had a giant Autobot logo merged with a communion wafer and a cup of wine and a crucifix and it said in blocky Transformers

font, my first holy communion, be transformed. It cited a Bible verse underneath. Yeah, we had a good laugh at that. Oh man. Thanks. Bye. Off I go. That's making it palatable for the kids. You're bringing Optimus Prime into the

deal. What do you think the Bible verse was? For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. For he changed from humanoid to vehicle. My favorite one is, for he is a jolly good fellow. Yes. My favorite one is for he is a jolly good fellow. That was two librarians in a row. Yeah.

Let me close it out with a third librarian. I don't know. I doubt it. That was, well, it was Kismet. It was Kismet. Let's see. Hey, this is James in Raleigh, North Carolina. I was driving in the car the other day with my 13-year-old daughter.

She said, hey, Dad, what was that 1990s podcast about the fake alien thing that got everybody scared? And she was referring to the 1938 broadcast over the radio of War of the Worlds. Alright, off I go. Go Wolfpack. We're all scared. We all downloaded the same podcast at the same time. Go outside. No, don't. Stay inside. Have you heard

of this podcast? I don't want to spoil it for you. I won't say it. Yeah. Have you ever actually listened to it yeah i listened to when i was like working at a uh college radio station they had the album that had like vinyl how long was it it was like it was probably close to half an hour something like that 40 minutes and it's it's hilarious now but i could see how if you only had the radio and that's what you had an imagination a little yeah a little imagination and we're prone to panic then uh yeah i could see how it would work uh and it was about aliens yeah as aliens had invaded now we've got got like David Blaine and that kind of exciting.

Back then, that's what they used to diagnose you with a panic disorder. Are you scared of an alien invasion? Are you scared of a well-acted alien invasion and the dulcet tones of Orson Welles? Orson Welles. My friend gave me an overheard and she was at the movie theaters and someone just said well no I don't think they're aliens but I also don't think they're good people. Right. Yeah.

Somebody's posing. Like I've thought about it. I don't think they're aliens but if they are humans. Was she seeing the Minions movie? I love those little guys well they're not good people they're not good people and their leader is he's

he's called the ultimate mean or whatever he's called despicable mean the ultimate mean well that brings us to the end of this here podcast Dana where can people find out about you and Tim's tour? You can check me out on, well, the tour stuff, you probably better check out Tim's Instagram.

It's TimGrayRules on Instagram. Mine is DanaSmithComedy at Instagram. I don't know um and i think that'll do it that'll do it okay well yeah that's enough if you're lucky enough to have them travel through your town go see them hilarious hilarious hilarious and if you work the elevator at the cn tower you can be you'll be expecting them very soon yeah and. You get to walk out on a... I think there's like... You can do the walk around the outside of it

and be suspended by some sort of cord. So you can do that. Umbilical, I hope. They reattach your umbilical cord. Yeah, and then you have to chew it off. Well, thank you so much for being our guest. And thank you, all of you out there.

Whether you're driving a truck or you're driving a Honda Fit, we believe in you. Come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.