Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 765 - Michael Balazo

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

Comedian Michael Balazo returns to talk Christmas treats, green movies, and fright nights.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 765 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who is a vision in canary yellow, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, it's sweater season guys, you gotta get it out. And you know what, this is more of an Easter sweater but it's too warm to wear it at Easter. That's true. This is like what Steve Harvey wears to church underneath his suit.

Yeah. Do you think he wears a huge sweater underneath his suit? Yeah. He wears like a, as a, like a slip underneath. Yeah. In your mind,

everything is layered, but it's all the same size and proportion as his suit. Same size. Yeah. And color. Our guest today, returning guest here to the podcast, very funny comedian. He has an album out that you can download on the internet

or you can stream it, whatever you want to do. It's Michael Belazzo. Hey, guys. Hey, Mike. How are you? I'm good. Thanks for having me back on episode 75 753 it's so nice 65 765 I love when it always makes me laugh when Graham starts a sentence and it's like oh he's gonna

say the name of Mike's album oh wait Graham maybe he doesn't remember he's got an album that you can download or maybe stream I remember on the internet I remember that you have one of the best covers because you did a cover that was like the guy who was obsessed with. Do you do cover songs on your album? Yeah, it's mostly cover songs. I covered Pryor. I covered Hicks. I covered Lenny Bruce. I covered all the greats because I feel like young comics just don't respect the pioneers of the craft.

Oh, man. don't respect the you know the the pioneers of the craft oh man did you when you were starting out a comedy did somebody try and jam bill hicks down your throat because i got a lot of that yeah a lot of that or um uh kinnison and that kind of thing but yeah you know and it worked i listened to them every night before i go to sleep yeah kinnison like if you want to find i i draw a parallel now between kinnison dance like singing with a heavy metal band singing like wild thing and that dave chappelle was singing with a band of like the two comics have been able to cross over into pop music sam kinnison's wild thing is everything that the original by the troggs uh tried to be but couldn't quite do that's true yeah when i hear it it's mostly sam kinnison's version that i'm thinking of so

um should we get to know us yeah michael it's been two years has it been two years two years since you were on and so much has changed yeah yeah yeah like you tell us tell us about all the all the changes all the upheaval my god well in your life since i think i appeared during during lockdown one lockdown or another um since then i have this shirt i'm wearing is new i I didn't have it back then. Oh, nice. That's pretty good. It's a nice looking shirt. How many shirts have you bought in during since the start of lockdown?

Four. Okay. One per vaccine. Okay. The new sleeve to roll up. Yes. Yeah. And I would insist they vaccinate me through the long sleeve shirt i would not roll

up my sleeves that's not the kind of what i wasn't raised that way yeah i'll take the shirt off before i roll up my sleeves you would say and they'll say by all means yeah the um uh are you has your life been changed have you moved have you are you in a relationship did you what what happened what's different tell us spin us a yarn oh god what's different i think i've sadly i think i've lost like half an inch of height maybe oh yeah that's what people like i lost an inch of height yeah um i've certainly aged a bit um which is great it was one of my goals um i have moved to a different part of toronto that i will not reveal because i know your fans are fucking psycho yeah and they'll hunt you down yeah they're actually they call themselves

doxers without borders and they because they have they'll they want to know everyone's address and they have very uh few personal boundaries and and they'll go to like to war-torn nations and just dox the poor innocent victims of war you know absolutely yeah it's awful our whole town's been doxed oh no they doxed the mayor oh man yeah Oh no, they ducked the mayor. Oh man, yeah. Yeah, I, is the Toronto move, are you in a place that you think is better, worse, exactly the same? I recreated my former apartment in a new neighborhood. Meticulously.

Yeah. It's a quieter neighborhood. So that's good. Because the place I was living before was between a police station. Boo. And a fire station. Good work, guys. And also Toronto nightclubs. You're picking a side here. Yeah, yeah. and a fire station good work guys and also uh toronto night picking aside here yeah yeah i'm

pro fire fighter uh yeah and uh some firefighters are bastards some fire yeah why haven't they come up with a thing because they do blue lives matter and everybody's like boo why isn't there like an uplifting fire fireman version what is the what are their lives squirting men matter yeah squirting men matter thank you excellent thank you the thin blue squirt is that what they say when the in the fire alarm when they're all asleep in the bunk beds and the alarm goes off does the captain just bolt upright and go time to squirt boys yay we've been preparing for this our whole lives i was up all night greasing the pole and they chant squirt squirt squirt in the fire truck on the way to the fire

years ago i went to um like an open house kind of thing of how how to be a fireman because i was like how the hell do you train to be a fireman do you just sign up and then they train you and then you're a fireman and they're like they're they were like you have to know so many things like first you need to be in the canadian football league yeah you gotta be in the canadian football league you have to be able to swim to a depth of 300 meters you should also they do they have all these things like do you have this certificate have you do you know how to do this do you know how to make a tourniquet like all these crazy things that what's your favorite radio head album oh uh a moon-shaped pool sorry you didn't pass the test it's uh it's the bends and

okay computer oh really they only like the guitar stuff but yeah i just i was so woefully underqualified that i just left and it's so funny because uh the probably the most famous firefighter in the world is steve buscemi yeah like well he can do all that stuff yeah that's true the fact that he was a firefighter it's like i guess affirmative action isn't real a guy he's like he's not he's he's pretty slight right like you can't imagine he'd be like able to pass he couldn't lift someone up a ladder or down a ladder right no but you can imagine how fast he would go up there and how good he could rise the hose if it went if it yeah yeah yeah yeah he could wrestle it to the ground and he would scare you like he'd scare people out of there i'm not leaving this place isn't really on fire and he

shows up isn't the story that he like volunteered during 9-11 to like he put back, he put his firefighter jacket back on and like started volunteering. And I wonder if people who were had just gone through like the worst day of their lives covered in dust who had just seen people jump out of the World Trade Center were like, hey, can I can I get your autograph, Mr. Buscemi? Oh, yeah. This was before selfies. Now would be a lot less awkward but just everybody getting distracted and having a good chuckle as the truck drives down the street it was like oh what's next john turturro's gonna be my paramedic but imagine having something like that in your life where you're like i'm gonna go back for one last go around like uh like a bank thief or something like that or con man or fireman these

are all the if i lost have we missed any of them yeah cowboy cowboy doing one more score baker baker man yep making one last scone yeah when 9-11 happened I started baking a scone. Bake me a scone as fast as you go. Yeah, Steve Buscemi's a winner. He's known throughout the world as a very popular meme. You don't know what's going to be your legacy. You don't set out and you don't create your legacy other people shape it for you he was in that kith look book a few years ago uh we're wearing a bunch of hype beast clothes we all enjoyed that

um michael who of the original cast of uhervoir Dogs would you want to meet in an emergency which one of those not the characters if they changed it to Rescue Vor Dogs who would you want to rescue you who would you most like to see showing up to help if ISIS

sent a drone to drop a bomb let me finish if ISIS sent a drone to drop a bomb. Let me finish. If I sent a bomb, like a drone to bomb my current home, I would love current day elderly Harvey Keitel to come and try and help out. Yeah. Correct.

Pantsless. Yeah. Joe up. And cause he's, he's a guy who could reassure you. think he feels like a guy who'd be like come on kid you're going to be okay he might be seated the whole time because he was seated in the Irishman

I think he couldn't like all of his scenes he was just sitting down and sort of talking slowly so you know respect to the king let me just google Harvey Keel mobility issue uses an acorn stairlift oh good oh yeah there's a picture of him in one of those bathtubs that has a door on it you can walk right into your fucking bathtub

and you see his big dick yeah i may be a bad lieutenant but i'm a good bathtub salesman or whatever i'm not saying this bathtub will give you a giant cock but it won't shrink it necessarily i can wash the whole thing in this bathtub just enough to win um what is he showing it in bad lieutenant i think bad lieutenant was he in the piano does he show his pianist yeah i think i think he's is there a mrs skin i can check it well you know actually dave i know we're all joking but do you remember the movie called boogie boogie nights yes the movie called boogie nights at the end when mark walberg shows his penis on camera they shot that they shot that scene in a really

interesting way harvey kytale actually stood behind mark walberg like arms expert yeah yeah he it was like whose line is it anyway with that arms game but harvey kytale just sort of poked his penis between mark walberg's legs so it looked so big oh boy yeah if you look at it closely you can totally see harvey kytale's there i love movie magic yeah and i had to reshoot that scene. They did like 88 takes because P.T. Anderson is very meticulous. Yeah. And Harvey Keitel, he was like, you know, stormed off set.

Well, he left his penis there. He left that and there was a trail you could find him. Yeah. It was like a tape measure. He just presses a button and just goes. Watch your thumbs. Truly the most fun tool. Yeah.

The only tool you can make a Yeah, I guess a level's pretty fun. It's got that bubble. I mostly use tools for like hanging pictures a drill is fun if you have a drill that's a good that's a really fun time and if you have somewhere that you can really just make as many holes as you want that's a real it's a real like i can't do it in my apartment but i could do it in like a building that has been demolished and there's still walls like oh yeah you're good yeah yeah i

bought me though i know i bought like a not too big mirror recently from ikea and i needed i needed like a drill and a level to hang it properly so it's currently just resting in my bedroom on some like a pile of garbage and i have to crouch down to look at myself in the mirror you haven't done you do you need a drill what do you not have a drill you don't have drill nor level i don't have a drill a level and i need some uh screws and plugs because i don't know where the stud is in the wall oh yeah you need a stud finder you gotta find a stud finder yeah i have one i have a stud finder i have all those tools doesn't matter can you mail me your tools but i can tell you the stud finder

doesn't work because it it maybe can find a stud but it also has like a function where it'll tell you if there's electricity behind the wall and oh yeah no matter where you put it it's like there's electricity here it freaks out about electricity no matter where like you could it doesn't want to be on the hook you know it doesn't want it he's like don't blame me i said yeah electricity in there you better save the story oh there's a ghost uh in this part of the wall you you shouldn't drill through here now i uh when i uh the last time i moved i looked into there's like a tool library here in Vancouver where you can rent tools. And I went to their website,

and I never did anything else. Is that something you could look in? Do you have a friend with a drill? Yeah, you probably do. I probably do. James Hartnett maybe has one. Does he think he might have a drill? I mean that guy is as blue collar as you get

he's got probably every tool in the book you should just watch the war of rem he enjoyed the blue collar comedy tour right? he thought that was the best you know like there were dead heads used to follow the grateful dead he devoted two years to following the blue collar comedy tour around North America.

What was his favorite guy? Is it Bill Engvall? Bill Engvall. He loved. Here's your. James has a here's your sign tattoo, like a tramp stamp, but for men. Tramp stamp, but for men. Men have tramp stamps.

Yeah. Lady and the tramp. The tramp. Yeah. James Hartnett, if no one knows, is one of the co-hosts of the podcast no people know yeah don't even say the name of your podcast no i'll be this podcast yeah evil men evil guys and james uh you we've had all the hosts we've had you all on before you did the podcast now we've had you all on before you did the podcast now we've had you all on

since you started the podcast you guys are doing good work over there thanks but did Chris or James have the balls to talk about Harvey Keitel's penis or resting a mirror on a pile of garbage Chris did but then he asked us to cut it

he said can you chop that can you cut out that 65 minute part where we talked about harvey kytel's penis and i was like we we talked about his penis oh he did that monologue oh my god yeah yeah and he kept no matter what we asked him he just kept bringing it back to har Keitel's penis. Who's it? Jan Dickinson from Being a Model? Is that what she's known as? Janice Dickinson. She wrote that he had a penis that looked like a baby's arm holding an apple.

Was... Oh. Well, she did... Did she also... She was the one who said that Liam Neeson's looked like an Evian bottle. An Evian bottle. Yeah, that's right. Because if you spell it backwards, Liam Neeson's penis says uh an evian bottle an evian bottle yeah that's right uh because if you if you

spell it backwards lee neeson's penis says naive now speaking of giant bottles you've got a giant bottle of perrier there yeah it's the size of harvey kytel's baby's penis his baby's penis wow yeah that's evolution that's how yeah yeah do you know uh wow evolution is fast um this baby holding a evian bottle um the perrier i feel like when i was a kid this was the classiest drink you could get the The bottles were all glass. You had to get them from France. Yes. And now it's in, now it's just a big green plastic tube.

Now every asshole on the street's drinking this stuff. Yeah. It's lost the magic. Yeah. Do you have a, did you buy that bottle or was it available to you on site? Dave, I stole it.

At gunpoint. Yeah, yeah no i bought it i paid for it uh and i almost made it a super fancy night i almost also got some after eights to to sort of have like a billionaire's evening shit yeah that would have been is after eight now for our non-canadian listeners do you know what after eights are? Answer in the comments. Yeah, exactly. Are they a worldwide famous thing or are they a Canadian thing? They might be just a Canadian thing. I don't think I've ever heard somebody. Dave, Graham, do you think that any other country has the ingenuity or the guts

to mix chocolate and mint into tiny slivers that are served in an envelope yeah little envelope what is your favorite um i know now i know listening to your podcast that you your mother wouldn't make you a turkey this um this thanksgiving what does she make instead of lasagna or pardon what was that not part of your podcast turkey lasagna uh distress no you didn't have turkey this thanksgiving did you was it someone else's mother sorry you're right you know what i apologize i totally forgot we had chinese food we ordered it because my mom thought that uh making a turkey was too messy and stressful and yeah she's not wrong yeah that's true i've only made one but um uh at christmas

time it's turkey time as well i assume christmas turkey time or Or goose. Do you consider after eights a Christmas mint? A Christmas chocolate? A Christmas treat? A Christmas treat? Christmas food? Christmas nutrients? I do because they were always around at Christmas time. Yes, I do consider them a Christmas treat.

And we're coming down on it. We're getting close to Christmas. It's six weeks away. We're going down on Christmas. we're going down on christmas we're going down on santa this year oh shit yeah you want to hear about his hog it's like a 40 they say it uh glows red um but uh uh do you have a favorite christmas treat oh god um after eights would be one of them uh these weird uh shortbread cookies that my mom puts a thumbprint in then fills the thumbprint with jam are pretty good okay that sounds candy canes get don't get me talking about candy canes or else we'll be here

for hours what uh do you have a particular flavor because it used to just be mint that was all you could get and now no i don't want the fruit flavored candy canes i don't want the the sour candy canes i want a classic candy cane do you bite them do you suck them down to the so they get very sharp dave i suck all the damn things until there's nothing left. Hiya. Cool. Well, that's all the time we have with Mike tonight. Good getting to know ya.

Yeah. We got all the major facts. Did I do something wrong? No, no, no. It's just a short episode this week. We just wanted to know what you suck. Are turtles an international food food or is that also just canada no very canada specific is it yes because my friend from the uk had asked me if i knew if i'd ever if they still sold these uh chocolates she'd heard of called turtles i was

like yeah of course we do this is canada and uh when she tried them she couldn't believe her mouth and did she love them or was she just incredulous she vomited violently no no she loved them she thought they were great but they're expensive i hadn't bought turtles in years and i associate them also with like as a kid it was every father's day i got my father a box of turtles and like for the end of the year uh the teacher would get a box of turtles oh yeah nothing better than turtles in july that's goopy i love them they're this is like i uh i look forward to gingerbread i look forward to ferrero roches and i look forward to turtles ferrero roche they tried

to rebrand it as like something you give to like other times of the year they've tried to branch out of uh christmas but i don't think anybody's buying it you know yeah right yeah there's also like boy there's so many commercials for chocolates yeah think about the like those mercy chocolate i was just gonna say the mercy commercials yeah what a way to say thank you with a mercy chocolate box and then the pot of gold ones where people are like singing the theme song at christmas going down on each other going down to the pot of gold but man i feel like ferrero roches have gone down a notch in terms of like they were like the fanciest thing when I was a kid.

And now maybe turtles have got, Mike says turtles are expensive now. So maybe it's a little bag of them is like $8.99, $9.99 at shoppers. But, but also I have to add, we are in the midst of a cost of living crisis. So maybe that's affecting the price.

And that's how you can test with a politician. You know, they'd be like, how much is a turtle how much is a turtle if you're so in touch with us voters i don't know 8.99 a bag okay okay all right yeah they come in different packages now they used to and now they're all individually wrapped they used to be in a tray yes used to get them in a tray i uh personally i don't i know they have nuts in them but i don't know what else is going on inside of a turtle.

Never see it on a bisection. Oh, turtle meat. It's the Louisiana treat. I think it's just nuts, caramel, and chocolate. Yeah. That's it, eh? There's no nougat in there? There's nothing.

Maybe. Nougat's sneaky. It gets in a lot of stuff. I agree. Have you guys ever had British chocolate? Because a favorite of mine that I had a few times was the Yorkie bar. I like the Yorkie bar. The Yorkie bar.

And they changed the packaging. It used to be a sexist chocolate bar. It said Yorkie bar and then it had a picture of like a um a dress like a woman in a dress like you'd see in a washroom with a line through it and then it said don't feed the birds it's a hateful chocolate okay so i'm looking up yorkie chocolate bars uh there's one label that says not available. It's got the O in Yorkie is.

Girls allowed. It's like a circle with a line through it with a women bathroom symbol. And it says the commercial says not available in pink. Oh, okay. It says do not feed the birds. It says save your money for driving lessons. Jesus Christ. This was just on a chocolate bar you could get at any store.

It wasn't like at a porno shop or something like that. But then the Spice Girls came along and they, and then there was literally a group called Girls Aloud. So. Yeah. They're the anti-yorkie group that's so funny and of course sugar babes but yeah it's and in the summer i saw a new i saw a yorkie bar and they have updated the

packaging so it's no longer uh misogynist and now it's, I guess Yorkie bars are woke? Oh, they're woke now. Okay. Yeah. So it just, you have one that says smash the patriarchy. Or it says patriarchy in a line through it. It says Yorkie, maybe if women ran the world, there'd be less wars. It's not as... And then a man comes by and says

actually it's fewer wars. Yeah. Yeah, there's i i was talking last week about going to a like a full-time candy store and them having all sorts of british you know the british stuff they had like weird cereal from uh you know maybe france or something like that it It was a... Oh, no. Yeah, I know. Can you imagine? What kind of cereal do French people eat? Duck a l'orange o's. Yeah. Just tiny little, like, baguette toast crunch.

Yeah, toast baguette. Oh, wait, no. Cinnamon baguette crunch. Salad niçoise crunch o's. Yeah. Just a big thing of horse meat yeah there was a do you guys watch cooking shows at all

like food network competition shows Bobby Flay occasionally and there was a barbecue one that was Canadian that was not very good but like they always say I'm gonna make and then they And there was a barbecue one that was Canadian that was not very good. But like they always say I'm going to make and then they say a word that I've never heard before. But everybody acknowledges it and knows what it is like a niqab or something like that. Yeah. Never heard of.

Was it quinoa? Yeah, that's right. What the fuck is that? Quinoa. Quinoa is an ancient grain. One of your more ancient grains i actually don't know how ancient it is tonight on beat bobby flay i'm gonna grow an ancient grain i'm gonna take a thousand years to grow this but careful bees can't even pollinate

this stuff they haven't been invented yet yeah and it's like but it's worth the wait trust me when you get that quinoa and you whoo is it what are you oh boy yeah what was the other one i feel like it was uh we've talked about it before it's when they take a bunch of uh ceviche it's ceviche ceviche is another one there's a long time i didn't know what ceviche was that would be on that would be on chopped and there would be uh reductions there'd be all sorts of reductions, and vinaigrettes, and pancetta and everything. I've got to get some fat into this. I'm going to put in pancetta. Yeah.

And I don't know what any of those things are. I know when they say eggs, I know that. I got that one. Yeah. I know eggs, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, we're fine as long as they're on the breakfast round. Fine. Let me in on the secret what are eggs

they kind of look a little bit like what you're wearing it's like a yellow with a white yeah with a white except it's reverse they're okay they're white with yellow yeah and they're made of cotton oh which is the opposite of my wall sweater oh they stink they stink if you open them no matter what frozen chilled whatever i smelled uh eggs at my office

today and i was like oh i was also on my way out because i got a text from someone who has covid that i saw yesterday and i was like I should probably leave the office now um and you can still smell the eggs that's good yeah that's good but I was like but then my co-workers were like yeah I smell eggs too do you think there's a gas leak and I was like well bye laughing

laughing laughing um yeah what's uh Michael what is your go to dish what is the dish that you can make if you need to impress or just like if it's your night at the fire station to make dinner for all the

boys I can make it there's a nice lemon chicken like battered lemon chicken dish I make with like roasted carrots and brussels sprouts that is pretty good a lot of butter involved sure can't go wrong with butter can't go wrong with butter um and i would serve it to the other firefighters um and i hope they would like it yeah because if i if i do a bad, they might not do a good job putting out the fire later.

That's true. They were too weak. Yeah, we let this one burn down to spite Mike. Do better in the kitchen. We're not going to come to your emergency because of a tummy ache. So if you could just call the cops or something. Too much lemon in this lemon chicken. just call the cops or something too much lemon in this lemon chicken uh i can also make uh what's my other thing uh of like a vegan cupcake chocolate cupcake oh okay that's a good one to

have yeah yeah okay that's that's two that's a whole uh dish dessert. You would get through on chopped with that kind of ingenuity. Yeah. I'm excited for, well, now that it's fall, I'm like, yay, I get to make yummy fall food. I'm tired of just chopping up a watermelon different ways all summer long. What's your favorite yummy fall food are you like meatballs meatballs i don't think of them as fall specific i think i could picture myself on a veranda somewhere eating a meatball to me meatballs are august heat wave food heat wave sure yeah you're

smiling a big smile full of meatballs yeah it's jordan peterson he's like this summer don't forget to eat only meat but this summer and treat yourself to meatballs what did he eat nothing but meat nothing but meat did he was it like nothing but red meat or was it i don't know i think red meat yeah i think he looks down on chicken and turkey. You wouldn't even have an egg for breakfast? No. Bacon and eggs? Just unacceptable. No, he would form a ball of raw beef into an egg shape. And he would crack it, but nothing came out.

And he would dip a piece of meat toast into it. A cup of meat coffee and away i go in my meat car it changes like a character from a children's book he has he is a character from children's book he's a very sad man who only eats meat came along down the street and he ate a bunch more meat that's pretty good yeah that's just that's on the fly right you just no no no i wrote that that's actually like two-thirds of the hero's journey and then this hero the meat man is he's the hero or he's the spectacle that everybody's no no he's the hero oh he's there okay cool yeah uh i think it worked out well no, he's the hero. Oh, he's the hero. Okay, cool. Yeah. I think it worked out well for him.

He's still around. Have you done him on Evil Man yet? Oh, yeah. No, we haven't, but we could probably get him because he just lives in Toronto. Yeah, have you done any Canadians yet? We did...

I don't think so. I'm waiting until the week Don Cherry dies to do Don Cherry. Oh, yeah. A special Don Cherry episode. Yeah. Who is the most evil Canadian? Now I can't even think of it.

Trying to think back. Like, who's seen as the Canadian? Oh, there was quite a bit of genocide here, so. Yeah, that's true. The Catholic Church. Yeah, that's. Yeah, I'm thinking like a why are there can i mike yeah i mean mike yeah it might be mike bollard post of open mike he had a weird thing

where he was he like was with a woman and then she accused him of stalking her and he kept posting things on facebook like i'm clearing my name and I've gone to court and I've beat the rap and it's very weird it's very weird like it would be like if Craig Ferguson was online being like just posting stuff randomly on Facebook

like I'm a good guy now I let my wife you know eat a Yorkie bar you guys wife, you know, eat a Yorkie bar. You guys, you watched Mike Bullard growing up, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, I was 20. I wasn't saying I was growing up. You were still

growing up at 20. That's true. Your brain's still forming, and you're still losing teeth. Your 20s teeth. In bar fights. Yeah, that's true. It's that's why your brain is with a pool cue. Um,

yeah, the, uh, uh, I thought he was on when I was a teenager. Wasn't he on when like he was, it was like the, the mid nineties,

I think. Yeah. I feel like it was the same time. Well, Tom Green was also on the same station and that i feel like i watched that when i was a teenager you're right open mic with mike bollard ran from 1997 to 2004 so you were a teenager but i'm just laughing because on imdb it's a 2.5 out of ten unfair unfair unfair yeah and like i can't imagine people cared enough to give it a low review the um the whole thing that was i didn't understand it in full when i was younger

but for people who aren't from canada open mic with mike bollard was canada's like most popular ever late night talk show yeah it most popular ever late night talk show. Yeah. It was the only late night talk show that ever existed. And he, it was a testament to how small the budget was that he had to improvise his model. The monologue.

Yeah. You'd have to riff with the audience. And it was recorded in the back of Wayne Kresge's restaurant. That is correct. Yes. Yeah. Can't get, can't get much more Canadian than that.

Yeah, you got to support it. Yeah. And during every recording, you could hear, because Wayne Gretzky lived in Wayne Gretzky's restaurant, you could hear off camera, you could hear, keep it down, Mike, I'm trying to sleep. You missed 99% of the jokes. Wait, no, 100.

Never mind. Wayne would only be sleeping there when his wife kicked him out. Yeah. Janet's mad at me, Mike. I shouldn't have moved to L.A. for her. I should have stayed in Edmonton where it's awesome. But like Mike Bullard, then he switched. He switched from the Comedy Network to Global.

Yeah. And he was immediately put up against Jon Stewart's Daily Show. And I think it was on for maybe three weeks. And then they were like, we give it up. Apparently when Jon Stewart found out he was going to be up against Mike Bullard, there's a story. I don't know if it's true. Okay. Okay.

Apocryphal. But apparently he literally shit his pants. Whoa. Is that true? Wait, i don't know if it's true but okay okay apocryphal but apparently he literally shit his pants whoa is that true wait you don't know i can't verify it but but i do remember though when mike bullard changed next uh networks from comedy network to was it global global yeah he was on the cover of the toronto stars tv magazine and in the interview he was like he literally said like in a few years i think i'll be ready to take on letterman in a fistfight i don't know what he was in what capacity i plan to fuck letterman's wife. What do you think about that? Or at least the assistant he's having an affair with. In a few years, I'll be ready to kill David Letterman.

I'm limbering up. I'm only eating meat. I've never been so fast in my life. Yeah, I think I feel like there was also like a tv guide or something that was around at the time and they said who you know who will it be stewart or bullard it's just it's and as we know there were two different publications you clearly both read the same thing but the toronto star i don't think i got that in it was was one interview. It was so huge. They published it everywhere. Children studied this in schools.

Yeah. That's right. They still do. What happened? What happened on 9-11 is one of the questions kids want to know. And where's Mike Bullard now? Oh, well, read the book. I'm not ready for when my kids ask me, what happened to Mike Bullard?

Is it just because they'll see it on your chest tattoo the open mic logo and Orrin Isaacs playing in the background I wonder where he is he was pretty good, they were a pretty good band he was all over the Toronto music scene oh yeah? he's the musical director of every show and he just played a sold out concert

at the Air Canada Center last night. Just him and the band? Yeah. Holy shit. And I just played the theme song from Open Mic with Michael Laird on a loop. Well, they probably play different songs going to commercial. Folks, this is the one song you may know from me. Here we go for the next two hours.

I do wonder about that because i feel like on letterman paul schaefer and the cbs orchestra would always play just like the a pop song they would play like a famous song and then yeah but now i feel like every show just does like originals or just like whatever by clito and the clitones or john batiste and stay human my two favorite bands um he also like paul schaefer would go and like do concerts in vegas but i assume it was all covers he didn't have right he didn't have his own well he did write it's raining man that's true that would be the that'd be the encore i think when he would come back okay comes

back out in a rain slicker here we go you know what i'm gonna play i feel like you should show up in only murders in the building you should just be like you know a new york you you roused about i thought you were gonna say a new york cop and i'm trying to picture he's so tiny and uh you know his hat is too big for him or there's no hair to hold him I loved him so much yeah Paul Schaefer's the best and he you know what he still rocks to this day

it's weird that he hasn't moved to another talk show what is he doing now maybe he's like creating new music oh god I wish I knew he's probably working on maybe he's working on something really good. Well, that's a good point. It's so strange to me

now that I'm like, oh, yeah, I could name a lot of members of late-night music bands. Anton Figg on drums. The drummer, yes. The Australian drummer? or was he british uh i forget he didn't do a lot of talking yeah and will something on bass and then of course those two guitar players was this the dbs orchestra yeah arsenio hall's guy was Michael Wolff? Yep. Wow, you guys. Yeah, from his posse?

Yeah. What did you guys know, like any other? Jay Leno's band. Kevin Eubanks. Kevin Eubanks. Yeah, sure. And now they're back. They're back on a game show together

because I guess their chemistry was just undeniable. Testing through the charts. Yeah, it was electric their chemistry yeah uh they weren't going to pair them up but then during the reading they did for the tonight show auditions i really liked it when a band would go on letterman and they would like they would be on tour they wouldn't tour if their song had like horns they wouldn't tour with a horn section but they would use the cbs orchestra's horn section that always gave me the you know it gave me the business i feel sad though that people just used the cbs orchestra you know what

i mean yeah they didn't appreciate them uh they're probably all lost without paul he was you know what do you think they all joined different bands or are they still together minus Paul? And people are like, yeah, I'll still go see them, but it's not the same as if... They're not the same without Paul. Yeah. Yeah, wow. You guys are

in deep. You guys knew a bunch more. Orn Isaacs and Kevin Eubanks. Those are the only ones. You could name members of the the max weinberg seven oh yeah max weinberg yeah sure that's it yeah you know jimmy vivino la bomba it was kind of fun when when a guest musician sat in with them and then it was the best man we feel like steve feist here yeah and they'd show them jamming out and you're like oh these guys had so much fun this afternoon yeah you guys are apparently playing buddy guy songs i don't know any of them but who's playing in the snl band these days have they have they younged it up? have they hired just a bunch of young new musicians

to uh yeah they've got uh BTS is in the SNL band there's a house band yeah um I remember GE Smith from my youth with his ponytail

playing guitar and then he was also in the Hall of Notes video for Jingle Bell Rock. He unwrapped a guitar and played it. He was dressed up as an old lady I think. Well that's the ideal gift for G.E. Smith. And by the way goodbye listeners. Yeah.

Oh no I'm ruining the episode by going on a walk down memory lane. no no no no no specifically about late night band members i i love it is g smith not part of the band anymore no hasn't been for a while but they're the only people keeping saxophone the saxophone sound alive it's lenny pickett your band leader he's there yeah yeah he's but fuck if you don't listen to that when do you hear saxophone well they had a series of guitarists including uh dr luke uh who was the whoaulter oh shit okay that sucks um i wish i'm the worst how

about that we wish dr luke the worst yeah god damn we wish kesha the best absolutely kesha i feel like didn't she come out with a new song or am i way way off on the radar here i don't know man is that a dream i had she's i would define new she's had a few albums you know i think she's maybe in the last six months i want to say but uh maybe i just don't know her catalog and i heard a different song and thought it was a new kesha song anyways kesha if you're out there i like your beard and uh i don't know about that oh that's the end of her song one of her songs she says i like your beard oh yeah yeah okay oh god yeah um is that from uh your love is my drug yeah yeah you got it i think you're right um yeah kesha she was her whole thing is that she would

like be a somebody you'd see at a bar that was her whole attitude yeah she was in the uh katie perry video where i kissed a girl she was one of the the her friends uh having like a pillow fight oh yeah i didn't know that yeah oh yeah this is all a big deep kesha lore yeah and this is a crossover holy cow dave and grandma i had no idea you guys were huge kesha guys yeah we're kesha heads yeah you know i uh i have a timber tattooed across my yeah sure and uh i got a question do you want to have a slumber party in my basement do i make your heartbeat like an 808 drum is my love your drug nice your drug that was better than i could have hoped for that was fantastic well it's imprinted on my brain um dave what's going on with you my friend it's funny you should ask not much uh so uh i we have two dogs in this house okay um and one of them is a girl which is the favorite

of the two oh you know what don't make me choose okay because you love them it's not that i love them both equally it's just that it changes moment to moment oh i see okay yeah there's no your fickle your fickle i'm a fickle i'm a fickle daddy uh in terms of dog love uh but the one who's a girl and is the smaller the well the bigger but the younger of the two just got spade oh yeah yeah congratulations yeah geez is just like a chris farley co-star she's spade nice well done now i've had a couple dogs in my life they've all been boys so this is they've all been neutered they've had the, the old vacuum to the scrotum. Uh, but this one,

this is different. This is like, it's a big scar they get in their tum tum. But I have a quick question. I don't know. I don't know the answer to it. Uh, why think they can,

uh, you know, do on humans. They just kind of have to like close the vas deferens or whatever. Vas deferens. I'm from France. It's pronounced different there. But they let you have your

balls still, right? Yeah, well, they can let you have your balls still with men, yes. You have to ask the doctor, though. You have to say, can I have my balls still? And he's like, how still do you want them and he starts you know clacking them back and forth um there i think it's just yeah i don't know i think that's a very easy procedure as well like that's outpatient

so i don't know why with dogs it's just like you know what let's just take them out take them out and bounce around and with with uh female dogs bitches uh well it's you can't you know look it up don't give it don't don't be that way like when you call a chicken a cock what are you gonna do it's it's it's the term over in england well you can't let bitches have yorkie bars because it's poison yeah because it is poison that's right don't let bitches near these it was very aggressive that ad yorkie bars it's bitch poison just the just the pitch meeting for the yorkie folks we want to zero in on one of your markets and we want to cut out the entire other half

gonna cut out the entire other half um the uh what i'll come back uh because i actually want to know you've had yorkie bar before yeah is it good i like it they're pretty delicious yeah if i saw a girl eating one i'd puke but the fact that yeah what is it uh just a straight up chocolate bar isn't it well it's not it's straight up chocolate bar, isn't it? Well, it's not. It's straight up chocolate bar made by a British man with hate in his heart. Like a Willy Wonka, but if you showed up to his factory, he would maim you. His very set ideas about gender roles. It looks like a gender reveal party. They drop Yorkies out of a pinata that's how you know

it looks like it maybe has like a ricey thing in it it's some kind of oh i'm looking i'm looking at the raisin and biscuit yorkie bar gross it. Anyway, I don't know how they spay dogs. Because after it happened, I was like, first of all, I looked at the bill and I went, Ga-ga-goo. But they, I looked up, what do they do exactly? Because with neutering, they uh they just seem to cut them off or yeah they really do vacuum them out uh but with yeah um they uh it was like when i googled it it was like oh they kind of it, it was like, oh, they kind of, you know, they do whatever.

It's up to the vet. Sometimes they just take out the ovaries. Sometimes they take out the full, uh, you know, the, the, the entire womb. Wow. Jesus. Vet's choice. Yeah. It's a real vet's choice.

Um, actually I know a guy who's a vet. I'll ask him. Yeah. It might be weird. I don't know him well enough just say that a friend asked you say Mike Balazzo wants to know what the hell

call him at like 2.30am and just say I need to know I'm sorry to wake you but this is kind of important you go full uterus or is it just like just up to you and then what do you use like is it just up to you at the, it's what you're feeling.

And then what do you use? Like an anesthetic or do you put the, uh, the person, I mean, dog to sleep for a while. Do you ever say, uh,

do you ever do a David Spade impression when you're doing it? Are you ever like, uh, uterus? Bye bye. Bye bye. Yeah, that's pretty good. the uh uh it's it's cheaper it's you save three hundred dollars if you get your dogs paid before they've ever been in heat oh why is it i don't know i don't know it's just what what the quote they gave us. But that's because the organ there has tasted.

They've got a taste for the other sex. What do they got a taste for, Graham? Dog penis. I didn't want to say, but dog penis. They have a taste for dog penis. And then you can't cure it. It's like a werewolf. You have to shoot them with a silver bullet.

Yeah, and so the vet could, like, lose a finger. But couldn't you just lie and be like, yeah, as far as I know, this dog's never been in heat, so. I don't know. I don't know how it works. Maybe they're transformed. Yeah, maybe. Boy, you know what? I don't know how dog heat works, and I vote.

That's a reason for you all to get out there i had a a skin tag removed uh like a year ago from like the corner of my mouth i'm pointing to it now yeah um and uh i made this appointment i had to go to a dermatologist and i thought there would be like some sort of i thought they wouldologist. And I thought there would be some sort of... I thought they would have to freeze my face and get some sort of special equipment or whatever. And I got there and the glamorous dermatologist just left the room and came back with a pair of scissors

and literally just snipped it off with scissors. And I was like, that's it. And I made the joke like, oh, I could have saved money if i had just done this myself couldn't i and she did not laugh or acknowledge that i had uh said that can i confess to something i i have on more than one occasion cut off a stick tag with yes no yeah man because that's how much did that cost you to go get that done at the dermatologist it was 180 canadian dollars jesus christ and then i found out later it would have been covered by

like uh health care but i didn't do it properly i remember a few years ago uh what brand was it like dr shoals maybe they made the skin tag remover. Oh yeah. That was like just it was like I don't know liquid nitrogen in a can. It just froze you. Yeah I don't think it ever worked.

Well I don't know if it worked or not but they don't sell it anymore which makes me think someone died. Someone inhaled it yeah exactly became a filled a balloon with it at a party yeah then we did whip it so of skin tag remover yeah or he was like how do you get the warts inside you know what i mean you got the outside wars no problem but i just juggle up some of this they're not warts graham what are they they're just i don't know but

just like skin that can't figure it out apparently you're at greater risk for diabetes if you have a lot of is that right that's something i heard something i heard from my skin tag guy you got a good skin tag guy yeah you should tell should tell him. He wears a mask. He only comes at night. Under the cover of darkness. I had another skin tag like three years ago. And the doctor used liquid nitrogen

to freeze it off. Was this also on your face? Also on my face. So I'm like, I guess this will just be a thing every few years. I have them in my armpits. Ew, that's disgusting. No, no, you got to have them on your face. I have them in private areas.

No one will see. Well, this one was on my cheek and the doctor who had a bowl cut, like the Ramones. He was like an old man with a bowl cut like he was like an old man yeah yeah he he froze it off and then it came off and then he put it in a little jar and he was like do you want it it's like no i don't want to i don't want to keep my skin tag okay just more for me yeah those are like not big enough to be like it's not much bigger than like just like dandruff yeah oh man yeah so anyway we got the dog fixed so that uh we've been uh we have a week of her wearing a

like a she has to wear a shirt the whole week so she doesn't like a she has to wear a shirt the whole week so she doesn't lick herself yeah uh it's called it's a we're mixing cone and shirt yeah depending on you know her how often she wants to go outside that's what i do that's why i wear a shirt it's similar keep me from fucking around you know what i mean and once she's all healed i guess she'll be able to have like a hot girl winter uh yeah that's true it's cuffing season yeah no getting pregnant so yeah yeah but then you know like this is her life can begin she can i wonder what it would be like if my dogs just wanted to have sex for pleasure they seem pretty happy about it when they're doing it or like a dog humping your leg they seem like this is good it doesn't seem like they're two of them would be like oh we like it this is gonna happen now and all the time and get used to it yeah you're

you don't have to pry us apart all the time just let it go we're not gonna have puppies we just like it i mean it would give them the opportunity to like experiment with different positions and like play uh role playing yeah human style incorporating toys into the lovemaking for sure i like it yeah you just hear a squeaky toy, and you're like, oh, goddammit. Three in the morning. Butt stuff, you know. Sniff play. Anyway, so that happened.

Yeah. And then, the other thing that happened this week is I watched two movies. Here it goes. One movie was called The Green Knight. Okay. Have you seen it? Nope. Don't even know what it is.

I know I'm picturing my head Seth Rogen as the Green Hornet is what I'm picturing. Mike, what are you picturing? What do you picture when you think? I'm picturing Seth Green. you picturing what do you picture when you think i'm picturing seth green oh that's weird yeah that one of them was a green hornet one of them's a green seth yeah uh it's it stars dev patel okay uh it's okay uh it's like what is it it's about this uh old timey knight from night day night days and he uh oh night days it's like the opposite of each other night days yeah yeah uh and uh he uh he gets

he has to go face the green knight who's like like a weird kind of tree man, I think. I forget what it was. Sure. This is a true story you're saying? Yeah. Yeah. As far as I know. And the other movie I saw was called Green Room oh i've seen green room yeah that movie is so

scary yeah what's with the green obsession that's what i was thinking i was like i looked and then i went to imdb and i was like have i seen any other green movies and i haven't seen green book haven't seen green lantern haven't seen soylent green i haven't seen the green mile haven't seen Green Book. I haven't seen Green Lantern. I haven't seen Soylent Green. I haven't seen the Green Mile. I haven't seen... Star Wars Green. Green Mile. How Green is My...

How Green Was My Valley. What's He in? Gilbert Green. What's He... What's... green what's he what's um and there was the closest thing i had seen to a green movie um was i haven't seen green zone with uh what's his face with matt david to fill me in oh i haven't seen fried green tomatoes oh i've seen that oh you have to see that dave yeah it's a it's a coming of age story and also a murder slash cannibal story is it yeah yeah oh my gosh i didn't know that

it all in one story have you seen titanic green and what's that about again michael what is the titanic so we all know the story of the fateful journey of the titanic across the atlantic ocean which is famously blue there's a version of titanic where the atlantic is green and everything on board is green everyone has like a green attitude what's a green attitude they're like like ecological? They're smoking weed. They're Irish. They've got gonorrhea. Gonorrhea's green?

They're envious. Yeah, yeah. I have seen Green Card with Gerard Depardieu. Oh, yeah. One of his big stabs. I've seen every Andy McDowcdowell movie your completist yeah um what's your favorite out of all the gotta be green card green card yeah early early work uh you don't like um riding the bus with my sister was she in that with rosie o'donnell she was the sister of rosie o'donnell wow wow is that a tv movie

i think it was but i like yeah i like to rent out a local cinema and screen it for for myself one ticket for bus rides with my sister sir you know this is a bad film, right? I don't know. Let me decide. No, acting's all about choices and I chose to act in this. She, uh, it was her bid for an Oscar.

She got a taste of it when she got good reviews. For this TV movie? Andy, Rosie, I keep telling you, you will not be eligible for an oscar if you do this tv movie oh man yeah that's uh that movie's in a class all its own well it's in a class that's the same one as cuba good journey what is the like radio radio is another i saw green card the gerard debardieu andy mcdowell stop crying about green card okay you've seen green card the gerard debardieu andy mcdowell stop crying about green card you've seen green card i saw it in the movie theater oh shit looking back to like the 90s what is the weirdest thing

you saw in the movies in the theater i i know my answer's ready to go but i i like our guest to to go first i give the i know it was i had just just gotten into like I was probably in 10th grade, 11th grade. I had just gotten into like Martin Scorsese movies. So I was like all about Taxi Driver and Goodfellas and Raging Bull and Mean Streets. And then I saw that there was a new Scorsese movie coming out. Me and my friend went and bought tickets. Stacey movie coming out, me and my friend went and bought tickets. So it was two teenage boys who went up

to the ticket booth and said, could we get two tickets to Kundun, please? His film about the early life of the Dalai Lama, and we were the only two people in the theater in Oshawa, Ontario. Watching the story

of the Dalai Lama. Yeah. Where's Joe Pesci? When he's going to show up? Did the gangsters, where are they? I'm sure they're on their way. Let's get another 10 minutes.

Yeah. I'm sure couldn't. And if I watch it now, I would appreciate it as a good film, but it wasn't what I expected at the time. What? I'm holy the time. What? I'm holy to you, Hal. What am I, Dalai Lama? Do I enlighten you?

Ever since back as far as I can remember, I wanted to be the Dalai Lama. In Napoli. um my movie that was weird and horrible that i saw in the theater i think we went to go see another movie and it was sold out so we went to this secondary movie which was the Rodney Dangerfield movie, uh, lady bugs. Ah, yeah. Which, uh, yeah, is,

uh, you know, if people don't know, it's about him being a soccer coach of like school aged kids, not like a professional. And he, uh, I think the boy from sea quest,

I want to say was in it. It was the lady. It was the, the drag boy. Yeah. He Brandes was in it. It was the lady, it was the drag boy. Yeah, he's in drag. He dressed up and then was able to be on the Ladybugs team. But also, like, I didn't have a great appreciation for what Rodney Dangerfield was when I was a kid. I didn't really understand what he was

or why he was on the poster. Sure, and Jack A was, they were, like, both coaches, weren't they? I feel like Jack A would have known more I think I watched 227 when I was a kid but I don't I don't think that I understood what Randy Dangerfield

was like because in all of his movies he's like a guy who's drunk and smokes cigars and you know has to stop for various reasons. And or is just golfing his way across the nation and graham this came out this movie ladybugs came out um when america they were in the midst of a love affair with soccer yes yes sure was this before the 94

world cup no it was two years before america had not yet discovered their love of alexi lalas yeah it and it oh man it was so hard to because i didn't have a ride home if i just left the theater and just wanted to go home so i had to sit through the whole movie i guess i could have waited in the lobby but they didn't have phones back then your parents just left you there? No, this was with a friend's parent. Oh, okay. That I think maybe I stopped being friends with them shortly thereafter.

I was like, I don't know. We have too much baggage. I remember once I was driving. We need to talk. Yeah. I hadn't planned on seeing this movie, I hadn't planned on seeing this movie, but my dad was driving by the movie theater with me in the passenger seat.

And I was like, Oh, what was it called? It starred John Ritter and Marky post. And they had like a magic remote control that they got sucked into the TV. Oh my God. Not batteries, not included. Stay tuned.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember this, Michael? Stay tuned. I remember the name of it now. Not batteries, not included. Stay tuned. Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember this Michael? Stay tuned. I remember the name of it now. It was, it was like the, it was sort of around the time of ladybugs.

And I just remember driving past the movie theater with my dad and being like, Oh, that movie's starting. And he was like, go ahead. He gave me money and I walked into the movie theater by myself and it was i think it was maybe my first solo movie going well yeah stay tuned it uh because it was them it was the guy who's been outed now as a pedophile jeffrey jones uh right wasn't he in it

as well wasn't he like the devil or something in it yeah he was like he was ferris bueller's uh principal right he was in that movie as ferris bueller's principal no ben stein oh sorry sorry ben stein was a teacher jeffrey jones was the principal yes yeah yes yeah yeah yeah um yeah he makes a lot of reviewing of uh classic. Very uncomfortable, I find. How did Jeffrey Jones, and I'm sure I'm not the first person to bring this up, but how did he come back after that pedophile scandal? Because he

is still in stuff? He was brought back, he did Deadwood after that, after he'd been convicted of being a... Yeah, but Deadwood's about bad guys yeah deadwood they built it it was a real town all the actors and uh the crew lived there and there was no laws the law of the street uh looking at his imdb now he didn't do much after

really i mean if uh if deadwood yeah after deadwood he did dead with the movie and like four other things well i know that on my end i keep writing and pitching shows for him to star in okay well i gotta your agent needs to step in i would like to hear one of these pitches if you don't mind oh i don't I really don't It's sort of like remember Rescue Me The Dennis Leary show about the firefighters In New York It's sort of like that but it's Jeffrey Jones

And instead of a firefighter he's a teacher At an elementary school This is bad I'm sorry Yeah Graham what's your problem Well it's like in the last episode you were like did anyone's school have like a teacher who did weird stuff but then the answer was so crazy because who what was it was the the teacher who married three students in seven years wow which was uh yeah very unexpected

that's incredible yeah yeah um well anyway yeah so i've seen a couple movies with green in the title let me know in the comments should i see the green mile uh it's up to you listeners what's next uh do you

uh did you like green room did you enjoy that yeah green room was great yeah so scary it's like short 90 minutes and it's like scary like it's proper and it's also like as a someone who's performed at weird venues yeah it's uh it's very real yeah exactly you get there and you're like ah it's the worst case scenario yeah exactly yeah absolute worst case scenario have you seen it michael i haven't what what is the premise uh the premise is a punk band is touring and they end up taking a gig because they need the money at a nazi gathering and they witness a murder and it becomes clear that they there's no easy way out yeah yeah and patrick stewart's in it

yeah that's right he's like the elder uh he's uh like any punk movie he's he's in most punk that's true he was in sid and nancy yeah he played them both ulc punk uh slc also yes slc uh uh you know hardcore logo and sure he was he played scottim. Is that punk enough for you? That was their whole advertising campaign. Is this punk enough for you? Okay, so. So what's going on with you? Not very much.

Did I talk about going to the Fright Nights at the P&E? Did I talk about that ages ago? I don't think I have anything new, but I was like, did I ever talk about going to the Fright Nights at the P&E? Did I talk about that ages ago? I don't think I have anything new, but I was like, did I ever talk about that on the podcast? I don't think I did. I don't know that you did. But maybe you did and all. It'll hit me like 75% of the way through. That's perfect. Oh, yeah.

You already talked about this. So I went to Fright Night, which is, they make the whole park spooky. And Playland is an amusement park. Amusement park within the city limits, which is always kind of an odd thing, but it's inside the city limits.

It's the site of the PNE, which is your CNE, I believe. Right. And they do this like halloween thing where they bring in a bunch of uh haunted houses and uh they decorate the whole place with there's fucking smoke machines everywhere which i got i realized hey i'm allergic to this smoke machine that's for sure i love the smell of smoke machines. I really do. I associate it with laser tag, which is a nice memory.

But yeah, there was a kid that captured a bunch of the snow in a water bottle. And I was like, what is he planning to do with this water bottle? And then he's making like O's, smoke O's coming out's coming out of it i was like yeah kids are like a like a professional vaping guy yeah like but this was a teenager as a teenager and his bud um do you see a clip of the vaping guy on america's got talent i haven't seen it i don't know but i've seen plenty of vape tricks on tiktok oh yeah are you on your own vape tiktok i apparently my algorithm is i'm all vape and uh you know uh baby reveal vape yeah that's right and uh it's a yorkie bar so the thing that the way it was pictured in my head was you it was just uh you quickly go from one haunted house to the next was this your first time uh doing the fright night yeah yes yeah and no that's

not true i did it i did it like a long long time ago so this is my second time and my i thought that yeah okay it's like but it wasn't raining and i think the first time I went, it was raining, so a lot of people stayed away. Whereas this was like a perfect night, and the lineups were so huge. So huge that I waited in line with a couple people from work, and we decided that was the only haunted house we were going to go to because it took so long. And we decided that was the only haunted house we were going to go to because it took so long. But here's what kept happening with me is my pace was off with the haunted house.

So like every room I went to, the thing was, you know, setting back up. The zombie was like coming up on the floor and going back into the closet. Pardon me. Yeah. So I didn't even that that scary thing that I wanted to experience i i was i was ahead of the curve oh i loved going to haunted houses like when i was like i feel like when i was nine or ten i went to one every year oh yeah now were these the people jumping out at you or these were yeah the people animatronic like you're like creeping room to room and then someone jumps out at you it goes hey motherfucker i'm gonna kill you motherfucking nine-year-old it comes out with a sawed-off shotgun

actually like pistol whips you waterboards you and then it's like something else is going on you're gonna get bad intel from me I'm Frankenstein where were you yeah like I think I'm still afraid of haunted houses I will not go into them I just I see them

I note them and i keep walking yeah it's i've the ones i've been to the most are the ones that have like robot things jumping out at you oh sure which to me are much scarier than the person ones because i feel like it could just smash you in the face and it wouldn't you know that there's nothing you do about it really it's your word against his um i feel like as a grown-up i haven't done anything scary but as a kid i loved it but i didn't know it even existed like i think part of the magic for me was as a kid like just your parents read about something in the newspaper and bring you to it yeah like yeah holy moly what was that the uh one of the things in the haunted house the only

thing that i found quite scary is there was like a doorway you went in and there was like fabric you had to move through and it felt like you were being like uh surrounded by a spandex or something like that and it was so disgusting i was like this is so disgusting so many people have just gone through this it's and and there was no way to sidestep it. That was the last thing you did before you left. Well, the cool thing is COVID's over. Exactly. It doesn't matter if you pass through a weird mesh that everyone's breathed on.

And there was a woman in the lineup that must have been, like, in her 70s. 70s or maybe early 80s. I love it. Yeah, she was going to go into the Honda. I i was like why don't we let her go to the front of the line why didn't make her stand here with every teen in vancouver alvira it was yes you barely keep that beehive hair up i hope that when a senior goes through the haunted house that the monsters, instead of jumping out and scaring her, they all came out and saluted her and said, we respect you, ma'am. Is there anything we can do for you? Yeah. Yeah.

The wolf man comes out with, I think, a tea. Yeah. Yeah. Can I help you across the street? Yeah. Tell us stories from the olden days. Oh, sure. All the monsters are sitting cross-legged on the floor.

It was a graveyard smash tell us about this graveyard smash um but yeah like uh it's it's like it's still the theme park at night is still teen domain teens still love it it's not it hasn't gone away in any shape or form are they all what are the teens doing running around kissing and running around they're kissing they're pranking they're uh planking they're uh oh wow they're doing the ice bucket challenge they're doing uh the harlem shake yeah it was anything viral yeah eating cinnamon that's right you're big thing is cinnamon um yeah they're doing what like you know teens they're following lonely girl 15 on youtube yes yeah they're singing but like uh uh you know being around teens there's a certain energy and also there's like teens are gross, right? Because like several teens like farted in line up and

everybody had to just be in the line up with that. And I was like, this is what teens do. I forgot this is what teens do. It's so weird that when I became an adult, I never farted again. I never farted. I had that thing sealed up. I had my colon taken right out. Wow.

You went to my vet? Yeah, yeah. He said that he would have done it cheaper if I had never farted before. He's like, do you want to keep it? Give me a jar of colon. I would never fart in the lineup of a haunted house. No, me neither. That's off the table.

Yeah. I would wait to use the haunted house's bathroom even as a teen pardon me zombie oh no it's my colon haunted um yeah so anyways went to the theme park at night kids on the wooden roller coaster that was featured in the movie fear yeah uh mark walberg fingers reese witherspoon okay well that's what it was i mean let's deal with facts here that was gives her the middle finger on the like gives her a rude gesture dave you should look up a synonym and i'm just going to leave it at that. I did the synonym challenge, though. And I found it quite lugubrious.

Or whatever, I don't know. Did you know that the Playland is going to build Canada's fastest roller coaster? Yeah. Sounds like I'm setting up a joke but i'm not they really are yeah they're really gonna do it it's gonna be busting it's big big news here in vancouver i don't know where they're gonna build it perhaps where the haunted houses will not be after mike are you a roller coaster guy yeah oh god no god no uh i the most intense one i've ever been on was at canada's wonderland which is the funniest name for a theme park uh years ago a roller coaster

called the vortex which wasn't even that scary but they had the famous one was the bat that was like a uh huge like gigantic tall one and then they also had a um upside down so they had a standing roller coaster that went upside down in loops where you could stay wow you don't even get a rest you have to stand up the whole time it's in respect the roller coaster the national anthem plays let it take off your hat my big thing with like roller coasters i'm afraid that something's gonna fall out of my pocket that's my like legitimate fear is that my phone's gonna fall out of my pocket my hat's gonna fall i'm never gonna see it again yeah uh that's everything else is like you know i don't like it but i could bear with it but i want to lose my shit you know yeah

that's true i do you know you have to hold them onto my keys yeah remember pull onto your passport hold on to your macbook air hold on to i just got back from germany where are we going first is canada's wonderland do they have like peanut characters or what is their i feel like they didn't they have access to some kind of for a while so when i was a kid it was the wild west they had like a smurf village and they had like the hannah barbara characters like they had a flintstone village uh and then it became paramount canada's wonderland and then all that shit was gone and then a lot of the rides were like movie tie-ins like there was

a Days of Thunder ride and all sorts of shit and then just the weirdest Paramount tie-in oh yeah the fatal attraction ride riding the bus with your sister if you dare

and then paramount pulled out now it's i don't know what's going on i don't i don't know okay fair enough yeah because i feel like there's six six flags maybe have the license for marvel characters but not as they appear in the Disney films? Well, there's the Disney. Disney has all the... I know, but this predates it. I don't want to get into this. This is so correctable by people listening.

But yeah. I don't know. I like going to the fair. I like mini donuts. It's also funny what music is playing on the rides like it's uh it's still lincoln park and it's still like you know what's funny i went to the cne in toronto here on labor day weekend we brought my mom to see uh gordon lightfoot was playing at the cne and we went and it was very stressful to get her down there and to find a place for her to sit and we stood beside her while

she sat down and gordon lightfoot came out and it was he's very frail very weak voice it was the quietest concert i've ever seen the band played so lightly it was like the volume was so quiet the drummer had brushes the guitar player had brushes yeah the bass player

was using feathers but it was so quiet that you could hear from the midway where all the roller coasters like over like I don't know

like the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald you could hear like in the background over him. Because it was so goddamn quiet. And he looked so frail. Yeah. I think he looks really good, actually.

I don't want to hear this kind of stuff. Apparently, yeah. Marvel, they have the access to the cartoon the comic book version but not uh i have to pee so bad can we not talk licensing i didn't know that you had to pee geez well you guys want to move on to some overheard yes i do okay bye i'm sure you've noticed how giant corporations are controlling more and more about what we consume, whether it's our food, our news, or even the shows we enjoy. The Greatest Generation is a show that stands up to big Star Trek and says no.

We can laugh about costumes that fit too tightly in the groin area. We can make a Star Trek podcast that's basically only about that. The Greatest Generation. The show for free and independent thinkers about Star Trek. And the groins of different costumes. Reviewing every episode in order. So subscribe to The Greatest Generation on MaximumFun.org. You'll be doing your part in telling the Star Trek Industrial Complex that they can't control your mind.

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Michael, you have an overheard. I actually really do, and it's an honor to be asked to share my overheard with you two and all of your listeners. I just wanted to get that out of the way before I tell you the overheard. This overheard happened just this weekend. I was in Ottawa with Chris Locke. We were doing some shows and we stopped at a en route, like a service station along the way

in a small town that had a Tim Hortons and I was standing in line waiting for my Timbits and coffee and it was two teens behind the counter. And they were working there. And one teen said to the other, your dad's here to pick you up. And the other teen girl just went like, oh, God. And I couldn't quite understand if she was annoyed that her father was there because she wanted to keep working working at tim hortons for the rest of the day and her dad was ruining her fun

i want to be marooned out here yeah yeah dad you're spoiling all the fun i want to work uh or if she just hated her dad and they had some problems at home you know right yeah either way yeah um i wish my dad sent my boyfriend to pick me up you know what danny you go pick my daughter up i'm gonna go get drunk yeah pick her up on your big weird motorcycle i'm trusting you danny that really rocks my weekend when i heard when i overheard that yeah we've all been there. Dave, do you have an overheard?

Sure you do. Yeah, this was a weird one because it was said directly to me. I took my kids swimming at the swimming pool yesterday. Woo! And normally when you're at the swimming pool, you stick near your kids and leave other kids alone yeah that's a good rule of thumb i mean you know what in general leave other kids alone i'm gonna say yeah hey teacher yeah um but uh there was a boy and he was maybe nine and he had there's like a big sometimes when we're at the pool we use this big like floaty thing we pretend it's a boat and then I my kids are on it and then they are like pretend I'm there's a big storm happening and I like knock them off the boat this is fun it's a

good fun it's fun pool game but this little boy had it this nine-year-old boy and he was uh he had brought a ziploc bag full of toys cool okay who is this kid and so he had a bunch of action figures he was playing on his floating pool floaty with and um sometimes he was just kind of like floating with just his mouth hanging out of the water, and I was a little bit like, hey, lifeguard, is this kid okay? But I guess he was fine, and then at a certain point, a few of his toys fell in the pool, and they sank to the bottom, and he was like, oh, unbelievable.

to the bottom yeah and he was like he was like oh unbelievable and then he asked me because he had no parent around he asked me like hey could you please get my toys off the bottom of the pool yeah i was like oh yeah sure and so i swam down i picked up uh were you in the deep end no no no this was not not very deep this kid was just like a wiener that was he was afraid he was a bit of a wiener sounds like a bit of a wiener i don't want to judge it boy i don't want to judge a child but uh sure um and he uh so i uh swam down i picked up you know uh what were the action figures it seemed to be that gentleman from Halo. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The main gentleman from Halo. The honorable gentleman.

Yeah. There might have been, like, I don't know, Iron Man. Oh, yeah. Iron Man. Sure. He would sink, too. So heavy. Yeah.

Maybe, though, like, one of those twins from Tintin. With the mustaches. But I, so I brought them back up and this little boy said to me, oh, that's very kind of you. Oh, that's nice. And that's very Christ-like of you to have helped a child in need. Thank you. I try. I try. you have helped a child in need thank you i try i try um and you just know that the parent of that

kid was like fucking fine take your toy i don't give a shit just get in the pool you can wear a suit in there for all i care just oh i would love to it was christ-like of me thank you you could have said no You could have said no. You could have said no, you know, deal with your own mess. Yeah, exactly. Really turned this into a teaching moment. Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. I'm not my brother's keeper. I'm not some other parent's kid's keeper. Yeah. A keeper of this wiener kid. The only other time I've heard the term Christlike Was I believe on a Maybe season one Of America's Next Top Model

Where one of the models refused to go nude Yes Yes But Jesus was nude all the time right I know but he was rarely photographed Nah that's true So that's the sin is being photographed. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I got it. Jesus was always doing that thing that teenage boys do during sleepovers where they put their scrotum on a friend who's asleep's forehead and they take a picture. Yeah. And then, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Spread around a lot of fish and loaves and stuff to be like, this is, yeah, you know who is here. Oh, yeah, Jesus. What a guy. Graham, do you have it overheard? Yes, I do. I was strolling down the street to go to Shopper's Drug Mart. Shout out, Shopper's Drug Mart. Oh, yeah, we love the Weston family.

Absolutely. They're doing everything right i just want them to get richer yeah it's one of those things like once you get addicted to the them getting rich you do want to just oh i want to see the guy's face in the commercials i love yeah oh yeah absolutely um so i was walking down the street to Shoppers Drug Mart and as I walked by there was a guy coming out of Shoppers and going into an SUV and he opened up the door on the curbside and got in and he just said to his wife or girlfriend said, yeah, they're all out of blueberries, but I got ham.

So we can do the nine and a half weeks sex scene that you were imagining just rolled up pieces of ham oh man what did they use in nine and a half weeks whipped cream cherries they they oh you know have you ever seen that movie it's crazy how bad it is i've never seen it myself there's a whole scene where kim basinger dresses up at like a man and basinger dresses up like kim passenger yeah but a man like kim mitchell um and she fools people but she's still just looks like a woman in a suit and uh it's she's wearing like a trench coat no yeah i guess a suit no she's wearing a suit and she's got a fedora

and they paint on a mustache on her i don't know why it's something that's supposed to be erotic something about that but uh when i googled uh nine and a half weeks food the first thing is a youtube clip that says nine and a half weeks famous food scene bread and butter i'm hard as a rock just hearing you describe it is it multi-grain yeah uh it's uh you know what check it out if you want to have uh some real teenage style thrills because that's when i feel i've seen it in bits and pieces and i watched the whole thing and it doesn't hold together as a story very well yeah i recorded uh his uh next movie or one of his follow-up movies uh wild orchid oh i thought you were like saying like you were on set recording like i was the sound no no

it was i saw that this movie wild orchid was on tv and uh i just remember one of my siblings tried to rent it once as a teenager and they were like, okay, if the video store calls home, pretend you're dad. And you're okay with it. If the video store calls my dad, he doesn't care. Call the number on file.

Hello, dad speaking. I was supposed to say I fully approve of Wild Orchid. It's a really great movie. Send them home with any other porn you have. It was on TV like a year ago and I recorded it just because my curiosity had been piqued so many years ago. And it was Mickey Rooney and nobody else.

Mickey Rooney? I do it every time. It was Mickey Rooney and nobody else. Mickey Rooney? I do it every time. It was Mickey Rourke Mickey Rooney doing his character for Crackers at Tiffany's. You see Mickey Rooney's full dick. It's really good.

I'm the bad lieutenant. Well, I ain't got a barrel of money. Anyway, there's no sex until like the very last scene. Is it good though? That last scene? Oh, baby, you know it's good. You've been waiting the whole movie for it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the suspense is exquisite, I guess. movie for it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, the suspense is exquisite, I guess. I also have overheards sent into us by people all over the map. If you want to send one into us, you can send it in to sby at maximumfun.org and the first one comes from

Andrew N. I don't know from where, but he was on a trip to New York City and, or, yeah, he went to New York and he And, or, yeah. He went to New York and he was eating out dinner. Two women sitting next to us were talking about how busy they were.

And one of them said, there are so many things on my to-do list that I don't have to do. Like, look right here. It says I have to go to the tailor. I don't have a tailor. I have someone else's to-do list. Wouldn't that be a fun movie?

Where you Somebody got the You inherit someone's to-do list Yeah, I like that That's kind of a Before Christmas is coming I gotta pay this guy's taxes Rant Red Orchid?

Who? This is a kid's list Red Orchid? Isn't the sequel to Wild Orchid? Yeah, it's Red Orchid? This is a kid's list. Red Orchid? Isn't the sequel to Wild Orchid? Yeah, it's Red Orchid. The next one here, the shopping list one, going to be hard to top, but let's see. This is Bira in Atlanta.

I was driving for Uber the other day, and a woman and her four-year-old son were looking through an actual printed toy catalog in the backseat, and he was into Spider-Man. He asked, How will Santa know the one I want? She says, You can write the SKU numbers in the letter to Santa. And he goes,

The SKU numbers? Are you serious? santa and he goes the skew numbers are you serious he knows about skew numbers and that santa would not have any part of that well if not find the url and write www dot just this kid calling like instant bullshit yeah santa uses skew numbers of course dear yeah how do you think he keeps track of everything but like i was i didn't know what a skew number was until i was well into adulthood i didn't know is that like a catalog number i have to confess i don't even know what it is myself it is a serial number not a serial number but like the reference number right and it would be the same it's the same

number across different stores yeah yeah i think so um i don't know it's uh you know what santa uses them it's none of my business um and finally, we have Casey from Arkansas. My work, my work hosted trick or treating for the employees kids every year. I was complimenting one of the kids around six years old on his costume and asking about it when he suddenly stated, I'm not wearing anything under this. And his mom quickly said, he's wearing underwear. I'm a judge. I'm Lance Edo. I'm just wearing this robe and I'm dangling underneath it.

Did either of you guys have somebody who was naked at the graduation under their robe? No. Like flashed everybody? Somebody mooned the audience at my grad and I love it. Whoa. Yeah. Did they get arrested? They did.

They're just getting out of prison now. Okay. Well, that's good. It's worth it for the joke though. Yeah. It's true. He's a legend in prison. We didn't wear gowns.

Oh. Yeah. We just wore flip flops. Did you go to Punk Rock Academy? Yeah. I just go to Punk Rock Academy and graduated Magna Cum Gabba Gabba. Yeah. No, we were just wore like suits and dresses.

Hmm. Like any punk rockersers Yeah, that's true Or their not-too-distant relatives Ska music That's true Yeah You were skanking at your high school Yeah, and the principal

Instead of giving us our diplomas He put them on the ground And he said, pick it up, pick it up Nice, really good In addition to overheards that are written in We also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one.

Ugh, SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham and guest. This is Catherine from Minnesota. And I have an overseen. I work for an airline in customer service, and I have just a couple of seconds to work out how to pronounce somebody's name before I greet them on the phone. And the name is, the first name is G-R-A-E-M-A-E.

So G-R-A-E-M-A-E. So G-R-A-E-M-E. Graham, did you know how to pronounce this? Yeah, the weird spelling. It's pronounced Graham. I didn't know. And I said, Grame. And he said it's Graham. Yeah.

So I goofed. That's the freak spelling. It's the one you'd never sound it out if you saw at least like mine is like graham you could get there but that does it just looks like grainy and uh yours is weird too now that i think about it they're all weird you know no no no no they're all weird yours is aha which is doesn't appear anywhere else in English except in the word ha-ha-ha. Yeah. It's in the Bible.

There's a little scamp in the Bible. If we could do a second draft on the spelling of Graham, if we could create one spelling of Graham once and for all, would it have a Y in it? Yes, it would. It would be G-R-E-Y-H-A for all. Yeah. Would it have a Y in it? Yes, it would. It would be G-R-E-Y-H-A-M. Graham. You would keep the H. Well, yeah, because it's Graham, right? But it's not when you say it.

Well, everybody says Graham. Yeah, Graham. That's like the Greyhound. That's what I am. I pronounce it the same way as Greyhound. Alright, well, we're not going to get to the bottom of this tonight. Here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave, Graham, and guests.

This is Nick from South Carolina. I saw today I was walking down the street and there were two guys walking their way. I thought I'd go buy them. One guy says the other. $200 a week for blood stuff? And that was all I heard. Thank you.

Seems like market price to me. Is that income or expenses? Oh, yeah, that's true. It's just... Got to take a look at the ledger here. Oh, yeah, that's true. Gotta take a look at the ledger here. Yeah, or is it just the circle of the economy where it's like, well, I spend $200 a week on butt stuff, but then the week after I get $200 for butt stuff. With the cost of living crisis we're in right now, I hope this person finds a way to sort of lower their expenses and their income.

Yeah. Yeah, I hope everyone out there finds a way to lower your income. It is a crisis, though. They're too much income. Yeah, yeah. Everybody cool it with the income. Time for everyone to work together to lower their income yeah and how much was it 250 bucks a week for but i thought it was 200 a week 200 okay yeah maybe it might have been 100 that guy needs a new phone yeah jesus yeah that's expensive that adds up that's the thing financial planners

will tell you like you know you don't mind paying it because it's in such small doses. Yeah. Such small doses. Every Wednesday when the butt stuff man comes to town, like, oh, sure, it's 200 bucks. But that adds up. Exactly. When you could just like, you know, you go, you're at work, you're like, oh, you know what, everyone's going out for butt stuff for lunch. You could have brought butt stuff from home.

Yeah, there's going to be a sparkler involved. Everybody's going to come out and sing a song. It's Janice's birthday. Come on, do some butt stuff. Yeah. Don't be a party pooper. Final phone call. Hi, Dave.

Whoa. Yeah, you're gonna air this because Graham's way cooler than you, but, um... Wait, what did he say? He said that I'm cooler than you and that doesn't...

So, okay. He's just saying that I am airing this. So that's how cool I am. Yeah, exactly. I'll do anything as long as people make me feel better.

I was watching TV on mute, and there was a prescription commercial on, and as part of it, I noticed at the bottom, they had like a little star that said, the perineum is the place between your rectum and your genitals. Off I go.

See, I'll play anything. Just say Graham's cooler than me. I'll play it. Perineum, yeah. I think we all call it down in the playground, we call it the prairie oyster. Right? We all know what we call it. Prairie Oyster. Right?

We all know what we call it. I don't have to say it out loud. Yeah, no, no. You're better than that. Yeah. Perrier. The Perrier. Yeah. I don't know if I call it the Perineum or the Perineum. Yeah. Will Smith's Perineum. Yeah. It's going to be the

Perineum. Well, that brings us to the end of this here episode. Oh, I get it. Thank you. Michael, you have a fantastic podcast that comes out every week and you, if you're on the Patreon, you can get bonus episodes every month.

And it's the Evil Men podcast featuring past guests, James Hartnett, Chris Locke, yourself. And you also have a comedy album that people can listen to. And with your Ben Garrison cover, which is so funny.

The cover is my album, Complete Discography. And the cover was done by Ann Doris, who's an amazingly talented artist and musician as well. Bossy person. And yes, I hope to record a new album in the winter. But Evil Man, you can find it on Twitter at Evil Man Pod or on Instagram at Evil Man Pod. There you go.

And yeah, it's really fun. Oh, the lights have gone out on Mike Palazzo. Lights are out. He's staying too long whenever he's recording yeah power's good it's now uh 11 06 at toronto time and uh that's it well my work day is done the lights are out the power's out and mike is actually probably gonna have to escape the building through a series of like lasers you know what i'm actually not sure how i'm gonna get in get the elevator to work now so that that'll be interesting oh shit what floor are you on well keep us posted the 20th floor

oh yeah so well I'm glad we talked so long and thank you out there listeners for listening to the show I hope the lights are working just fine wherever you are we just get one more screen cap before we say goodbye yes

be a nice little easter egg wherever you are. Can we just get one more screen cap before we say goodbye? Yes, please. Yes. Be a nice little Easter egg. Thank you for listening and come out back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.