Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 767 - Nour Hadidi

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

Comedian Nour Hadidi returns to talk hummus, porta potties, and tripod shopping. Warning: this episode has some brief discussion of suicide and child abuse.

Just a little note before we get going, in this episode there is some discussion about suicide and child abuse. It starts at about 16 minutes in and goes for about 9 minutes, off and on. There you go. Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Woo!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 767 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark. With me, as always always is a man who just informed me that he had a great banana today, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I've haven't had bananas in weeks. I used to eat bananas

quite regularly. Why'd you stop? The kids don't want a smoothie in the morning anymore, and so I would buy a big bunch of bananas and, you know, seven of them would go bad. And I'd eat the eight. That's the ratio you've got to be prepared for. Otherwise, you're eating like two bananas in a day, every day.

Yeah. They really should sell bunches of bananas that are like not all the same age. Yes. bunches of bananas uh that are like not all the same age yes like they should have some going bad the day you buy them and then some are like bright green oh yeah bright green and then all of a sudden yeah like the dots what's what's your favorite uh this is this was a hot topic before twitter went bad what's where do you get where do you stand on the banana gradient uh where do i like it i like it just after the green has just disappeared so it's like a fresh yellow no black favorite no no i i uh once that happens then they're they're on the journey to banana bread country what just a fleck of black maybe a fleck is okay but I don't want to see any dots on there. No, thank you very much.

You're, I mean, you're absolutely insane. The real princess and the beast are doing it. When they're green. Yeah. And they like, you open them and they're green and they're like, they stay on your teeth for six days. No, I don't want green. I want just fresh. But I know fresh, fresh yellow is too close to green.

Well. I want just fresh. But I know fresh, fresh yellow is too close to green. Well, I'll take them up until they are completely black. I will take them from a little fleck of black until 80% black. Gross. And they're like fragrant and aromatic. Yeah. And they make their own smoothie. You just squeeze them and out they come. And I have to fight off all the fruit flies.

Yeah, that's true. Fruit flies is just a part of the process. Hey, man. Do we have a guest this week? We do. We have a guest, a returning guest to the podcast. We'll find out very shortly her stance on bananas. She hosts a

monthly show called Newer Hadidian Friends in Toronto. And also an open mic called open Michelle at tall boys. Uh, she's ever so funny. We're glad to have her here. It's nor Hadidi everyone. Oh,

thank you. That was so nice. I'm so happy to be back. Yeah. Number seven, six, seven. I mean,

this is sponsored by Boeing, right? I'm assuming. Yes. Yeah. Every 10 episodes or so we have by Boeing, right? I'm assuming. Yeah, every 10 episodes or so, we have another Boeing episode. But you know what? They pay well and that's why we're in business with Boeing.

Boy, I don't own my Boeings, but what's the highest they'll go? 777? Is that going to be our... I don't know. 787? I don't think there's a 787 which is the one that has two floors what is that oh i have been on one of those but i i could only stay on the first floor i wasn't allowed up to the second floor oh that sucks what was up there do you think probably oh the rich people and the velvet ropes and the velvet curtains and the butlers. The butlers are up there. Butlers wearing velvet. Everybody in velvet.

Yeah. The fanciest of fabrics, if you ask me. It is. People talk about silk a lot, but it doesn't feel as good as velvet. I was once a member of the Kashmir Mafia myself. And what was the other one? Do you remember that? No.

The Stick Jungle? There were like two shows that were like, it's supposed to be the new Sex and the City about like groups of friends in New York. And one of them was Cashmere Mafia. Cashmere. No, Cashmere. Oh, was it Cashmere Mafia or Cashmere Jungle?

I think it was Lipstick Jungle and Cashmere Mafia. Lipstick Jungle. Yes, absolutely. Lipstick Jungle, Cashmere Mafia. Little did they know the next sex in the city sex in the city follow-up show 25 years later oh yeah um should we get to know what kind of a banana lady are you oh my god i stopped buying them i've done i've been through the whole traumatic process of buying them and throwing them out and putting them in the freezer and forgetting about them

in the freezer and then they shrivel. So I am a zero banana household. That's where I'm at. So just permanently no banana. You must have a preference. Not to like really drill down on this too much. Yeah. Listen, I do love your open arms approach to bananas, Dave. I think it's very empatheticetic especially in this day and age

you know you're fully accepting of the whole spectrum um but no i'm not i don't like the green you don't like the greens right i mean no one likes the greens let's yeah greens too crisp yeah no it's like eating asparagus or something they're inedible absolutely yeah it's like you guys are gonna get some hate online some people are gonna be like this would be like we actually do like the greens we are where people do yeah um yeah you know what i no matter how many times i let bananas go rotten i'll never learn i've already passed the age where i should have learned I feel like if you don't learn it by 30, you're just hopeless the rest of your life.

Listen, I do believe in buying green because they will one day turn yellow. But the problem with buying yellow is that they will go back on you so quickly. You will not even, you will wake up one day and they will be full black. And it's like, this is betrayal.

What have I done to you? What are you doing to me? And so we hate green, but we got to buy green. And I think that's where my stance is. Yeah. The worst is when you buy green and you're like, I really need a banana. A.S.A.P. I'm done with this cycle of trauma.

Do you understand? Yeah. I know. Last time you were on the show, it was all about trauma. You had just read The Body Keep the score and you remembered i'm surprised dave because on the second episode you didn't remember what we talked about in the first well the first one where you talked about that easy way to quit smoking oh wow it seems like you're always reading a book a self-help book that's not what i was talking about are you making a joke no you read that you totally said you read that no i've never smoked what are

you talking about that was the thing was you read the book you love reading so much and even though you never smoked you read that book just because you're i look it up play the tape back different comic different comic no way man that was when you had gg hadid on that's a different episode i think the gg episode no episode gg never smoked yeah bella never smoked uh maybe she did bella of the two probably smoked uh why would i say that why would i i don't know i don't know who would be a smoker of those twins. Somehow. Yeah. You know, I was going to prove you wrong on this. Yeah. I mean,

it's hard because I can't listen to it. Remember, I remember the pictures that you even posted in the Twitter. We talked about fire emblem. We talked about Michael Jordan. We talked about dating. I was in your, I was in your house,

Dave. I remember it was a big moment for me the first time on stop podcasting herself i think i would remember what we spoke about versus the guy who's recording his 767th episode he's got some real brown banana energy i think what you need in the banana verse before we leave that entirely, is like a la carte. Take a couple of greens. Take one or two yellows. If you like a brown banana, it's already there for you.

You don't have to wait a couple days. Yeah, why are they sold in bunches? Yeah, right? Yes, yes. Yeah, I don't think. I don't know, man. This world's crazy. I think you're being an industry disruptor right now

Graham that's true you're disrupting the banana industry I want to be the uber of bananas do you guys mind if I listen to Nour's first episode while we record this who would have talked about that book

not me I promise you but do you love to read books? Yes, but usually there's self-help books. Do you read so many books that you can't even remember? No, about depression, I would remember. Are you reading one right now? I'm not reading a self-help book right now. How come? I'm reading the autobiography of Andre,

I don't know how to say his last name. Is it Andre? The Giant. Andre the Giant. uh the autobiography of andre i don't know how to say his last name is it the giant andre i know it's hard to pronounce but it's a pronounce of the giant uh andre agassi famous long-haired and then short-haired man yeah yeah he was kind of the biggest in sport i would say um what i heard about people reading his book a few years ago and i was like people who didn't care about tennis people who didn't care about him they

were just like i hear it's a really interesting book and so far oh incredible really incredible book what's interesting about andre i literally have the honesty the pressure so i was in a writer's room about a show on tennis and i had no idea i didn't know anything and so one of the writers recommended i read this book because in his book he says that he hates tennis and i was like that can't be true but he genuinely hates tennis you can like it's very evident throughout the book and just an incredible uh life he's had and his upbringing and his dad forced him into tennis he never wanted to be a tennis player and just the honesty and the he's just a really good writer also and he's married to a tennis player yeah but before that he was married to brooke shields that's true whoa whoa okay so maybe he

really does love tennis more than he's letting on if he just can't well i gotta was married to brooke shields that's true oh whoa okay so maybe he really does love tennis more than he's letting on if he just can't well i gotta be married to a tennis player but he's now he's indoctrinated right he can't he's in the cult out of his brain yeah i wish my dad forced me to play tennis imagine where i'd be now uh still in my long hair phase i imagine uh well aren't you when was your last haircut uh same day andre i guess he got his wow yeah while i was getting a cut that's what the hairdresser said you know this is the big day for andre they said oh um did he also wear a sweatband this is all i know about andre really and he put the hair clips and there was one of the most important matches of his life i don't remember which tournament but he was scared he was not only playing but he was scared that the headband

and the clips were gonna fall off oh because he was balding and he was wearing he was wearing fake hair oh geez oh wow wearing fake hair on the court holy cow yeah he also had uh he wore those like acid wash shorts like jean shorts with the spandex underneath no he didn't he was the well they weren't jean they were like athletic things to look like the acid washed cool oh yeah so was he kind of was he a bad boy or was he just like he was the spokesman for the canon rebel uh camera he said that they he feels like they took advantage of him on that oh yeah because they called it the rebel yes yes because he was rebellious that they missed like he was actually going through some stuff and they used him as a

marketing tool and he didn't realize it at the time oh sure and they and did they pay him money oh wow here we go well i just i don't know how who took advantage of whom if he was not really a rebel and he was lying about it and canon probably should get their money back from him yeah exactly and i'm gonna throw mine in the trash i've had it all they should have changed their camera to the canon going through some stuff the canon hair clip it's the only one on the market um is do you uh regularly write or sorry read a biography or autobiography you know it's funny because my favorite books i've read have been autobiographies and I forget that until I read one.

I loved the Carrie Brownstein one and the Martin Short one and the Steve Martin one. I tried the Martin Short one. It was incredible. Yeah. He's he's a guy. I would read his autobiography. Oh, it's great. I don't know who the person the first one that you said oh carrie bernstein she was in um sleater kinney the band and she was in portlandia portlandia oh yeah that yeah that's an interesting autobiography

i haven't read one for ages i'm trying to think of the last one that i read hmm maybe motley crue is the dirt does that count yeah that counts what if i read it twice does that i like an oral history oh yes an oral history of whatever just like when they get a bunch of people reads like a transcript oral history or as it's known now, TikTok. Thank you. Nice. Big bow. That's your big, instead of just dropping the mic, you throw it into the audience.

It's so good. Noor, have you ever dropped the mic? No. Could you imagine what kind of self-conceited person would I be if I just did that? Wow. Yeah. imagine kind of self-conceited person would i be if i just did that wow yeah but it's like if you got the chance if it happened would you would you take it or would you be like nah not like if you were like said something so razor sharp and it was just in the moment no do you want to throw do you know why because i think it's cooler not to drop the mic it's cooler to be like i said this and i

meant to say it have a good night so you will end your act as soon as you get a laugh like that even if it's two minutes in you're like well what is a mic like where does that come from eight miles i think uh i knew that chris rock always did it i felt like he always did at the end of his set he would throw his throw his mic on the ground throw Throw it. Yeah. I mean. It sounds horrible. What? When you drop a mic?

Yeah. Conk. I feel like it's the same energy as throwing a guitar. Like, it's just not who I am as a person, you know? Yeah. Would you throw a guitar? No. Like, smash a guitar on stage.

It's like, not who I am. Right. Who are you on stage, Nora? Who am I on stage? Wow. Are you like Alice Cooper where you have to get into the character? I'm like crusher, killer, destroyer, cannot be followed. That's who I am on stage, Graham.

Okay. In case you haven't heard oh wow i'm intimidated now i had no idea congratulations i think now i'm more myself i used to like just try i think my favorite comedy is the one where it feels like a conversation and i feel like i'm just more honest in myself and um yeah way more honest these days I'll say that I've got hot new suicide material hello oh that's which I know yeah which I never would have done um years ago so just what if you if you wrote a autobiography about your time in comedy it would be called what you know like and it can't be like a life or a story it can't be anything like that

yeah kelsey grammer is so far i read that i read that when that came out oh no you did yeah because there was at the time there was all these comedians putting out books that were funny and then his came out and i thought it was supposed to be funny. And it wasn't, it was very, very sad. He's had a very sad life. Oh yeah. I've heard he's not nice. Have you heard this?

He doesn't tip. Don't say that. Yeah. I've always heard that Niles is the nice one. Yeah. You can't pick and choose rich people. Dave, you can't hate on Andre,

but love Kelsey. Okay. You gotta be equal, equal with the rich men. No, no, no. i don't say it he's too near and dear to me i think if i were to write a book so i would like to have a clever title and let's say i it would depend i would maybe write it when i was 45 and then call it tight 45 or something like that oh Oh, that's pretty good.

You know what I mean? Type 45. You know, something personal, but a pun or a reference. Well, that's the thing. How do you know when to write an autobiography or a memoir? When do you, when you've achieved enough things? I think when Simon and Schuster approaches you with a big fat check, I think that's the time to write an autobiography, Graham.

I think that would be it. But especially if they want, like, sometimes companies churn out a quick one for somebody who's, like, famous for a couple of weeks or whatever. Yeah. It's like when a band would put out a greatest hits album, and then they would win their, like, five albums into their career, and you're like well are you

done yeah no more hits but yeah the thing is is that every year i'm older i'm like i had no idea what i was doing last year like truly in stand-up in life i feel like i'm still growing so i don't think i would do it unless i felt like i've had a couple of years where I'm not learning or growing as much and maybe I've plateaued or to a point where I know enough that I also if I want to write something I would love for it to be helpful for people I think after the pandemic and going through so much depression one of of the things that, one of the few things that brings me joy in life is human connection. So if I'm able to connect with people through the things I've done and the things I've learned,

I think that would make it worthwhile because I mean, there's nothing worse than staring at an empty page to write. Right. So, so daunting. Good news for you. Simon and Schuster are on the line and you're writing a pretty big check right now yeah

they want you to yeah they're actually that it's a weird thing where you have to wait until you're 45 to write the book though but they're dangling it out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to just make it to that. Just not commit suicide until 45. Exactly, yeah. Not a bad goal, if I'm being honest. Yeah, you know, everybody's got to have goals. We're rooting for you. Yeah, we're all rooting for you. Absolutely.

Industry disruptor idea number two. Suicidal people are given financial compensation by the government if they survive to a certain age this one seems more controversial than your uh than your previous although it does it's like the opposite of i feel like the older i get the less compensation i'm gonna get like i feel like it actually might work because it's like oh yeah i might think of my future i'm like well i've earned my last dollar as of today oh my god that is comedy i'm like i'm never getting paid again all the money i have is the money i'm going to make i'm scared shitless i'm like i'm in an industry where there's no like yeah but like your your uh your plant your idea of like giving people the money, if they make it to a certain age, it's like,

you know, you'll, if you spend one night in this haunted house, yes. Yeah. Then you will inherit this fortune. Except the haunted house is your body. One night is whatever years and years.

Life. It's life. Yeah. Dave. No, you're right. I think I'm in a healthier place now to be even joking about an idea like that.

But you know, right now, if someone were to say, nor if you're right. I think I'm in a healthier place now to be even joking about an idea like that. But, you know, right now, if someone were to say, Nora, if you're make it to 45, we'll give you X, Y and Z. I just think not necessarily financial compensation by the government. Maybe that was the controversial part. But I do think that when we get older, you know, we need it's I mean, I'm obviously speaking through a lens of someone who has a mental illness, but little markers and things in life to look forward to. Right. Because I feel like it's all in the front end where it's like school, graduation, degree, like feels like the first battle. The way you were saying that kind of rap battle was somewhere in there. Wow. somewhere in there wow i've only done rap battles once and i hated it and i will never do it again

what if the government offers you a little cash in the side honestly not worth it not even great when i did it a few times and because they expanded it to vancouver and it was really like a great writing exercise and completely useless in your life afterwards so it's like a week of memorizing this thing that you will never revisit again yeah yeah when you did it nor who did you who what character were you courtney gilmore we were doing clean comic versus dirty comic i was the clean comic yeah and um she she is filthy right everybody that's why that's how she gets on tv as anybody's uh guest because she's so she's so nasty that she's very yeah it's too much i'm like like, Courtney, please. I have ears.

Dave, what did you rap as? I once did against Alicia Tobin as Bon Cop and Bad Cop from the movie Bon Cop, Bad Cop. Classic, yep. I once did against Kyle Bottom. He was Bob Ross and I was the scream. That's pretty good. Yeah. You were Poseidon once, weren't you? I was Poseidon against the BC fairy and I was Teen Wolf against powder.

Oh, I don't get that one. What does that mean? Have you ever heard heard you never heard of the movie powder no powder it have you heard of teen wolf i've heard teen wolf is it a tv show it's it is it was a tv show but it started as a movie yeah and they're both movies about kind of teenage outsiders yeah and like obviously teen wolf he's a boy that turns into a werewolf and powder is he's like a he's all super pale and he has no hair and he's got bright blue eyes and he can commune with animals he can like touch somebody and feel all their pain there's something with

lightning yeah i think maybe he got hit by lightning and that's why he has it or maybe that's how he lost it or that's how he got his groove back there's all sorts of possible ways um but the director of it turned out to be like a bad very bad dude and if you watch the movie because i had to for this rap battle through that lens you're like whoa this is uh boy it was red flags all over the place in this film so like yeah pedophilia and stuff like that yeah just like really he was up to some really bad stuff and i feel like he was sheltered how many trigger warnings am i putting at the start of this episode that's true i apologize pedophilia you book bad girl nor hadidi this is what you're gonna get okay move over courtney gilmore we're gonna be a dose of reality here with uh nor hadidi

um yeah anyways fun thing rap battle turn dark there for a second my apologies yeah i've never done a roast battle and i don't think i will i wrote on roast battles canada which is fine because i'm anonymous so no one will know that i wrote on it but i don't want to hurl insults at anyone and i don't want anyone to say them to me i'm surprised i'm just learning that there's writers for it i thought everybody had to write their own burns oh i didn't um there were other writers who helped the performers. I wasn't part of that team. Like I only joined in the third season.

So the writers who were there first and second season did that. I mostly wrote jokes, um, for the host, um, for the show itself, like in between the segments or, um,

jokes, making fun of the judges by the host. There's actually a lot. You never, you don't know that, but there's a lot of work that goes into it. Yeah. It's I don't know.

You know, I don't know anything about what work goes into what, but this roast battle, like I've never done one. And I feel like I'm just worried about my feelings getting hurt, hurting somebody else's feelings. And I mean, Graham, what kind of things do you think they would go after with you they would that i lost a powder in a rap battle and uh uh you know general uh body shaming yeah what else um well you know i think uh that I have bad postures. Yeah.

Well, they wouldn't take fun of the fact that I never cut my hair like Andre Haggerty did. What about how stupid you are? Speak on that. How stupid I am. How weak I am. Yeah. As a person and physically. Yeah. You're getting warmer.

It's just like a baiting battle actually pulling it out of the other person it is like eight mile where the person just says all the bad things about themselves and leaves nothing for the guy roasting them that's right yeah exactly does and then because i've never seen the show. Is it like, then the best winner of an episode goes on to the next episode? It's not a tournament. Yeah. It's just each. Um, I think there's four,

um, how many battles, you know, a certain amount of battles in an episode. And then the judges choose a winner per battle, but that's it. It's not a tournament style. Okay.

That's what they should do with final jeopardy. They should just get, instead of doing a question, they should have the three of them roast each other. It'd be an easy roast for whoever came in third. Your sweater vest sucks. You told a really boring story. Yeah, the

look for a man on Jeopardy is often a fleecy pullover zipped a little bit down uh yeah they really uh i think maybe they have some backstage and they're like i put this on not as much suspenders that you as you think right yeah not as much suspenders not as much uh in the shoulder pad realm. Nerd, do you watch Jeopardy? Are you a Jeopardy fan?

Not really. I grew up not in the North America, and it was not a thing that we watched. I mean... What did you watch? What kind of shows? And were there game shows where you grew up? Yeah. Okay, we would actually... And remind listeners where you grew up

yeah oh sure um and also me and graham but mostly the listeners yeah yeah uh also before i do that i want to tell you have the best listeners they sent me so many nice messages after my second episode. Oh, I also remember you, there was like a waitress who gave you a free drink or something, or like knew you. Oh no, why am I forgetting her name? Oh no, she's a huge fan and she had heard me on here. Oh my God. It's like you're roasting her by accident.

I know, I'm so sorry. I'm going to have to be listening to two episodes simultaneously. I'm going to have to be listening to two episodes simultaneously. So I grew up in Jordan, a country called Jordan in the Middle East. I was born and raised there. And growing up. So there were the game shows. Actually, they bought these Asian game shows and we would watch them dubbed.

And I don't remember their name in English english but there would be people in like suits and like it would be like physical challenges and like okay okay i'm gonna look it up right now hold on okay i'm gonna look up everybody look up and i'm looking up who the waitress was i'm gonna look up favorite chapter from so far by oh it's bridget it was bridget but you called her nicole bridget shout out to bridget and also to dave with this do you keep like a an excel spreadsheet with the names of your listeners that have been brought up no i'm just right about every previous episode and you've read that non-smoking book. I did not. I promise you. I have never, ever read a non-smoking book.

Why would I do that? I don't know. That's what, but whoever it was also didn't smoke. So that's why. That's so funny. Cause it does seem like maybe you just loved self-help books so much and there wasn't one around so you just graham don't take my side well i have to talk to somebody noor's looking up something graham don't take don't take my side you bad posture long-haired

that's what i would do and just drop the the mic and leave the stage noor is looking it up but her mouth is covered like she's just found the murderer yeah exactly did she realize the game show is soft okay it's called takeshi's castle the yeah you know it's a japanese program yeah there was it was they changed the name of it in North America as well. It was on Spike. What was it? Go through, climb on something, go through mud, that kind of thing?

Yeah. There would be a hundred people at the same time. Tell us. Tell us more. Okay, so basically it was called Tell us, tell us more. Oh, okay. So, okay. So basically. It was called most extreme elimination challenge here.

Oh, okay. The point is to finish the, like to go through all the challenges, but they set up barriers and people would drop off so quickly. And it was like, I don't think anyone won won but it would be things like they would be in a no one everyone they would be like in a sumo outfit like running and they would get punched it was i think maybe like inhumane now that i think about it as an adult yeah were you watching squid game what were you watching it seemed yeah i was watching squid game there were no winners it's called uh cnn uh the you know what i hate can i just say okay very left turn here we're taking up here we go here we go okay you know what i hate i hate that they call it they call it the iraq war it's not the iraq war it's the u. war. There was no war in Iraq before the U.S. showed up.

So they make it seem like Middle East war is our culture. Mic drop. Okay, have a good day, everyone. Nice. Good third episode. Good to see you. That would be funny if on CNN, somebody took

the microphone off of their lapel and threw it down. tiny mic drop you're right well what you're talking about there is like yeah spin it's branding yeah and all the wars all the wars in the middle east are because of u.s foreign policy right it's other countries meddling in the middle east but then it's made to seem as though it's us we're not we're very chill laid-back people you know we don't want to go to war let me tell you that yeah what's an average day it's probably like some uh some discourse some reading some exercising and then an early bedtime. That's what it sounds like.

Yeah. Some hummus and falafel, and then you go to sleep. Sure. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. That's one thing we talked about last time was shawarma. The difference between shawarma. This is our topic.

My new thing now, I'm enraged with flavored hummus because it's gone too far. Whenever I do this joke about flavored hummus to white audiences, they don't get it. And I did the New York Arab American Comedy Festival on Saturday. Me too. Applause break. Dave was there. Oh, really, Dave?

You got an applause break from talking about Just by saying the word flavored hummus. I said, you know what else pisses me off? Flavored hummus. Applause break. My people have had enough what are we talking what are we talking like sweet hummus or something weird like that or what are the flavors that are no good anything why are you flavoring hummus why ketchup is ketchup do you flavor ketchup

no because it's supposed to taste like ketchup what are the okay what are the flavors though that's yeah they're like oh it's like is it onion these people adding garlic and onion and it looks like the same packaging there's what are the red pepper what are the original chocolate hummus okay well that's chocolate what are the ingredients that belong in hummus? Oh, come on. What are the ingredients that belong in hummus? Chickpeas? No garlic? Chickpeas, tahini. No. Chickpeas, olive oil, tahini, salt.

I think that's it. That's it, isn't it? Yeah. It's very simple. That's the thing. If America is good at nothing else, they are great at adding different varieties of a thing. Like you say ketchup tastes like ketchup. They've got some ketchup down there that doesn't taste like ketchup. Did you ever get that purple ketchup, Graham, when you were a kid?

No. But do you know what I don't like? Is that the original ketchup is still the number one ketchup. But the original hummus is no longer the number one hummus. Oh, what's number one hummus? The number one hummus should be original hummus, but it's not. It's the flavored hummus now. Okay.

This is a controversial issue. Okay. Now, was this the whole bit or was there actually? Oh, no. The bit. Do you want me to do the bit? Oh, I'm just speaking from the heart here yes please i just i don't want to walk down the grocery aisle and like where does it end

i don't want to walk down the grocery aisle and look down and see avocado fottuccine carbonara hummus you know i can't i can't i can't do it anymore graham oh you're gonna see that for sure we can't see that this is what i'm. We need to stand up. You know what? You've accidentally sealed your own face. You know what? This reminded me that I really, there's this trader Joe's chunky olive hummus. I like,

you know, what's going to be next guys. I'm going to bring this full circle. Green banana hummus. No, come on. Don't, don't say anything.

You can't take back. So green banana hummus is how I feel about all flavored hummus. No, come on. Don't say anything you can't take back. So, green banana hummus is how I feel about all flavored hummus. Do you understand? Okay. Now, if you always have to dip the same thing in the hummus or can that be a, can you switch that up every which way or do you think it's only one thing to use? There's two things you can dip. Okay, two things. You can either dip a hot pita and you make a little square okay you make a little square and then you

make a well okay okay so the so not a square sorry a triangle i apologize i'm very passionate about this i have even forgotten the basic shape structures you got to do a triangle okay and then the two ends of the triangle you bring together that leaves like a scoop like a little spade you know what i'm saying you put you dip it in towards you okay you don't go to the other side now there is a comic who has a bit about this mo amir so i don't want to be like stealing his joke it's incredible you should watch his netflix special he was on my it was on my show last week where i set him on that material so you're fine okay i'm fine okay so you scoop it and that's the first thing you can do the second thing that is allowed is falafel hot falafel but usually what

people do is they put the falafel in the pita and then you dip that in hummus that sounds great that does sound great do what if a person dips a carrot in hummus? Is that illegal? Is that no good? What about a Tostitos scoop? Yes, Tostitos scoop. Two words, war criminal. Because I've seen people do it.

I've seen people dip a celery or a carrot into a hummus. You know what that's like? That's like dipping a celery and a carrot into ketchup. That's how I look at them. You say it as if that's something that wouldn't happen. That totally would happen. Oh, that's so gross. Yeah, people are gross.

You know, it's like you find out when, especially if you're at a party and there's a bunch of stuff sitting out. It's like invade my country, shame on me. Flavor my hummus, shame on me. Dip carrots into my hummus, shame on you. Wow. There are two shame on me's. One of them was invade my country. Shame on me.

Yeah, it's okay well i'm uh i'm glad that we've had this conversation next time at our party and i see somebody do it with a carrot i'm setting off the alarms i'm gonna go right after them yeah i'm gonna start a case at the hague so don't worry about it i'll get you the case number. Yeah. If you could. And I'm all Clooney is on it. Okay. Don't worry. She's Arab. She gets it. Yeah. And she's,

she's still doing it. Right. She hasn't retired from that. She's still kicking it. Could you imagine? Yeah. Not for George Clooney. Yeah.

That's true. What has he done for me? She's the, she's the amazing one in the relationship. Let's be honest. I don't know. He has some pretty good Nescafe. What's done shown up to set okay oh but in the 90s he had that caesar haircut that was pretty good oh yeah a lot of people like that uh wasn't he on some sitcom or something

he was on roseanne he was on roseanne he was on roseanne uh These are... If I was a publisher, I'd be like, these are the notes I want you to hit. George. Nespresso. Roseanne. Those are the two banks. Everything else could just be squashed in there. But yeah, she's wildly accomplished. And George Clooney, he's

hot. Yeah, well he made three Oceans movies. That's true. How many has she made? You know what? I can't contest that. I actually, growing up, I did love those movies. I owned them on DVD back when we owned DVDs. I love the first one to this day.

The next two can go pound sand. I know, but you watch it for the love of the first one, you know? Did you watch my ringtone in middle school no high school and all of undergrad was remember in the second movie when the french villain is doing the whole is going through all the lasers you guys know what i'm talking about shazam this shazam this get the shazam out i do love finding out what people's like high school obsession was you know what that's a piece of music yeah and like i'm picturing you coming home after school just right away going to the tv popping in one of the oceans movies, just having,

having a little more time, you know, to listen up to, did you watch any special features? What are the special features on these DVDs? You know what guys? I think they came out when I was an undergrad. I don't think they came out when I was in high school.

What year did they come out in? Dave, can you do a quick search for us? Sure. I think the first one came out when I was in university. So it would have been like, Oh, this is a quick search of the internet or my brain? Wow, you're deceivingly young, Dave. I didn't know that.

Now, here's a controversial question. Who's your favorite character? Who's your favorite character out of all the 11? Dusty because he's eating all the time. I love a man who eats. Is that? Representation. Is that Brad Pitt?

That's Brad Pitt. He loves it. He loves it. He loves eating on screen. He loves it. Yes! Hey, Noor. This is the falafel wrestle.

Who's calling? Who's calling? Hey, this is the humafel restaurant. Who's calling? Who's calling? Hey, this is the hummus store. We want to report a crime. Yeah. Now I'm picturing somebody spreading hummus on a slice of apple. I'm trying to think of the worst possible things you can do with hummus. I feel like that's

probably the worst, right? I'll get back to you. I'll come up with something else. It's all bad, Graham. It's all bad. This is a personal thing for you. This is not just... Yes! Of course! Yeah, the first one, Ocean's Eleven, came out when I was in

university in 1960, starring Frank Sinatra What were you taking back then Dave? Oh back then I was just taking I said smoking You majored in smoking? Yeah smoking and afternoon drinks The first one came out December

2001 Ocean's Twelve December 2004 and then june 2007 and then let's not forget oceans 8 which came out no so 2001 i was in actually i was in middle school i believe so i take that all back okay so you had you had a fun that was a fun song to have as a ringtone. You nailed it. Thank you. Dave, did you ever have a ringtone? Fancy ringtone?

Yeah. Download it. Remember, people were downloading ringtones. Yeah, we would pay for them. Yeah. Yeah. No, I've got tons. I still have a bunch on my phone

that are just like, you know, seasonal. But no one calls me. Yeah, exactly. Nobody nobody calls anymore and you never have the sound on nobody has the sound on their phone anymore except if you do hear the sound of a phone ringing you know that it's a senior you know that's the senior pick it up go for gary or whatever um nor do you have any other hot takes on snacks before we move along oh my god hot takes on snacks that's so open-ended yeah it is it is but you know you've you've laid it down here's mine here's mine here's mine the cookie part of an oreo is the only part of an oreo that's

good wow that is a hot hot take it's so dry though without the sugar in the middle it's so dry you need water you know what you need a little bit of hummus helps can you imagine that surpassed slices apple well they make chocolate hummus that's why they make chocolate hummus guys i'm not gonna lie to you whenever you come up with a new disgusting hummus combination i am one step closer to hiring a hitman to take you out for those jokes i just i can't handle it i really can't i promise you it's such a sensitive topic well i'm gonna read alan carr's the easy way to quit making fun of hummus here's here's my new i want to take back type 45 and here's the name of my autobiography ready the hummus hitman the hummus hitman okay yeah

memoirs of uh being an undercover um yeah uh the that oreo is very controversial um uh i wonder if i have a hot take oh you know what those candies that you get on halloween that are like brown toffeeish looking things that have the orange wax paper i like those i actually like those i know a lot of people hate them i enjoy them it's uh yeah it's a molasses candy it's kind of the uh old-timiest candy you can buy i love them also i don't suck a where there's an original i crunch it there you go oh wow what that's psychotic i know it is are your teeth okay does your dentist know about this yeah we've had long conversations about it i can't quit and i refuse to even think about it

we've had long conversations about it. I can't quit. And I refuse to even think about it. We need a 12 step program. Yeah. They have to use a mini crowbar to like separate my teeth before they start working. Why do I have a Werther's original before I go to the dentist? How many Werther's do you have in a year?

I think this year it's probably been two. I had one yesterday. So it's fresh in my mind. Because I was thinking, yeah, I'm like maybe less than one for me. Yeah, like somebody gave it to me. It was in my pocket for a while. And then yesterday I was like, oh yeah, I have that Werther's. Crunched it up, gone in under 30

seconds. I'm mad. I will say snacks should be accessible that's my main thing go on explain yourself what does that mean so i don't need a snack i need a snack to require the least amount of energy as possible yeah if i need if i if it's in the fridge, I gotta open it. I gotta open multiple things to get it. Too much work. Yeah. If I need a utensil, too much work. Okay, so what are we talking

here? What is the go-to? We're talking nuts, we're talking seeds. Nuts, seeds, granola bars, little candies. Yeah. Sour patches. My favorite? Okay, okay, okay. My favorite snack of all time. Miss Vicky's original recipe.

Miss Vicky's original recipe. This is chips. Just the original flavor. Yeah. Original flavor. If you put those little bad boys into a sandwich, depression cured. Okay. Wow. You try that.

Crunchy sandwich. Nice. Oh, my God. It's incredible. You can put it in whatever sandwich you want, whatever your cultural background is, whatever your preferred sandwiches. You want to bond me?

Put Miss Vicky's in there. Now, somebody is listening to this right now and going insane saying, how can you use chips in that way? It's part of my culture. You're ruining my Dutch culture and you're ruining it by putting it in sandwiches and stuff. Somebody out there, you're making me.

I disagree. I disagree because Miss Vicky's is a standalone product on its own. And so whereas they're altering the composition of hummus, it's not a one to one. It's not a one to one. I will. This is the hill I will die on. You don't understand. I'm beginning to. to yeah i'm worried that

it's going to be soon i show up to loblaws with a with a knife and pita bread yeah this is the only thing you do just an explosive vest full of hummus. It just gets everybody a little hummus-y. No, it's pitas. It's mini pitas that I give people the tools that they need to have the best hummus experience. That's your charity you're working on behalf of. My charity, yeah. Pitas for humans. Pitas for humans.

That's my nonprofit. I hope you can put that on your donation. Doctors without hummus excuse me can i talk to you about hummus yeah um what did you know that one in every three people eats hummus wrong did you know that seems like it's it's probably closer to three out of three did you know that an arab an arab father dies of rage when he hears about carrots and hummus and how white people eat it did you know that it Arab father dies of rage when he hears about carrots and hummus and how white people eat it? Did you know that it's costing us our fathers in the Middle East? Costing us our loved ones.

Actually, I'm late. I can't talk about this with you. I got to go. Good luck with your charity. I got some bananas to ripen. Yeah, I ripen them. I'm waiting on 19 bananas to go yellow I put them under a hot lamp and I just kind of put them in a blanket

just to make sure they get ripe fast I've tried that I've tried that with avocado not a blanket but like a paper bag yeah yeah yeah, for sure. So funny. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, I don't want to say the wrong thing and throw her into another rage.

Here's what's going on with me. Last week, nothing's going on with me. Okay, interesting. Last week on the show we talked about um just for laughs gags yeah and she's shaking her head just going into a rage here it comes we talked about the one the one that we both remember the most which i said featured local comedian andy kennedy don't hold me to that. But it looks like him.

Yeah. Which is the one where someone goes into a porta potty and then a crew builds a little office around the porta potty. So when the person comes out of the porta potty, they look like they're interrupting someone's meeting. Generally, they end up going, oh, excuse me me and they walk back into the port-a-potty have you seen this newer i haven't it's pretty brilliant yeah it's nobody freaks out in it you know what i mean like everybody's just like well i'll go back in the port-a-potty and then when i open this door again problem solved i was at i was at a comedy show yesterday and the audience the comic was doing crowd work and they asked do you have any fears but you have any phobias and one of the

girls phobias was porta potties oh i can see that yeah well she wouldn't want to listen to this next bit i'm going to tell you about because when i was i was like oh i'd like to watch that after we talked about it i was like uh i googled just for laughs gags port-a-potty and there that that is not the only port-a-potty oh no the one they've done so i'm going to read you this list of port-a-potty just for laughs results yeah can you call them the port-a-potty chronicles and that's your book that you put out um this is uh this one's called port-a-potty turns into a nightclub no is it the same setup uh no there seems i'm just just from the uh thumbnail there's a guy there's a uh red carpet and a bouncer

like to go into it yeah Yeah, it looks like. Okay. I would just go away. I wouldn't try to negotiate my way into that. I would just do famous. This next one is called teleporting toilet prank. Okay. Is that the boardroom one?

No, that's not it. That's a different one. Boardroom one is just the boardroom one. Okay. One's called home sweet home Port-A-Potty Home Prank. What could that be? I don't know. You get one delivered to somebody's home.

One's called Fancy Man Living in Toilet. Fancy man? Not just man. Fancy man. One is just called. He's got a monocle, so you know he's fancy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's drinking out of a very, very classic.

Mr. Peanut. Yeah, it's Mr. Peanut, the fanciest legume that you'll ever meet. Oh, this is the British edition. Had one called Port-A-Potty Problem. Here's one called Head in Toilet Prank. Ooh, this is horrible. The person goes into the port-a- potty and someone's head pops out of the toilet jesus this is criminal this boy has to get in there the guy's head's got to come out before

the pants go down right i don't know it depends on uh the timing everything's timing and these just for laugh gags these gags are getting worse uh porta potty falls with someone in it this is no good these are these are horrible these are more like jackass at this point These gags are getting worse. Porta Potty falls with someone in it. This is no good. These are horrible. These are more like jackass at this point. And then Porta Potty lifted with visitor inside. Well, I don't care for that.

No. I think the visitor is an actor. It's the people outside reacting to that. Right. Okay. Okay. That's fairly harmless. And then, okay, okay. Well, that's fairly harmless. And then, okay, we keep going.

That's page one is done now. They have so many port-a-potty pranks. No, this is sad. Grenade blows up port-a-potty. Man found dead inside port-a-potty. No, no, no. Too harsh. Too rude. Did you grow up with these at all north these uh like a prank show

just for laughs gag i feel like they were super international so because there's no uh i don't think so i think i only used to see them maybe i don't remember it's all a blur it's all a blur yeah it's uh you know it's like they made so much money off of those. It's crazy. I didn't realize that watching them. But I didn't realize how many of them were port-a-potty related. Cat trapped in toilet prank. This one's just called Toilet Champion. What could that mean?

I don't know. Is this a guy bench pressing a toilet? And it's going all over the place? Yeah, I guess maybe. Anyway, this bit's going nowhere. Unlike the porta potty that's going somewhere. I know. Yeah, exactly. Unlike this one called Innocent Man Gets Ejected From Porta Potty. Innocent Man. Oh my God. That sounds like an onion headline.

Innocent Man Gets Ejected From Porta Potty. man oh my god that sounds like an onion headline innocent man gets rejected from port-a-potty uh are you do you enjoy a prank nor are you uh no i think they're mean i was bullied in high school and so i just don't like pranks i don't like doing them i just think we should all be nice to but i feel like bullying in high school isn't, correct me if I'm wrong, but like bullies aren't creative with their pranking. I feel like a well-executed prank is pretty funny. Depending who the victim is. If it's like, you know. Do you consider the pig's blood on Carrie in the movie Carrie?

Does that qualify as prank? It's kind of prank and bullying all at the same time. That's more bullying. Yeah, I think that's not really a prank. It's not very well thought out. There's no like a prank is when you like pop out of a garbage bin on your way to a room. And then someone's I don't know, like someone doesn't't expect to see you but it doesn't harm their mental health yeah right a prank is when like ellen is wearing a disguise and working at a frozen yogurt place yeah or howie mandel he did he had a show how we do it yeah uh but like

yeah celebrities getting pranked we can be we're all on board with that right labs like when justin timberlake got punked and they yeah they were taking all this furniture out of his house and said that he was losing his house uh hilarious uh that was revenge that's mean when that was happening to justin timberlake i also remember thinking like oh he's he's gonna be fine like even even if i was just in timber like and i believed this was all happening to me i'd be like i'm just in timber like yeah i don't need this old stuff i can buy new stuff yeah um but yeah we're we're uh i'm wary of prank shows now i think they were funny when i was a youth you're Your super bloopers and practical jokes.

Yeah, we watched America's Funniest Home Videos last night. And it is, it's gone, they have to, it's all just like internet videos now. Right. And it's all just like everyone's got their camera up vertically, even though you're watching tv on the widescreen um yeah so it's like uh there's no longer people they're not sending it in anymore because i mean they're not sending it in in a in a mailbox yeah yeah that was that was sunday night viewing as far as i recall it still is and alfonso rubero's there people still get dressed up to sit in the crowd nice they've got kind of like the crowd is in like a

coffee house kind of setting. Like everyone's sitting at tables. Oh, cool. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, it was wholesome, right? As wholesome as it gets. Kid wears hat funny and then everybody laughs. Yeah, he's $10,000. wears hat funny and then everybody laughs you know yeah he's ten thousand dollars yeah um yeah well we've established here not everybody's big no one yeah but uh if you're ever in a porta potty your your fears are justified yes yeah absolutely you know what do like when you're getting your car do a 360 inspection

of the when you're getting your rental car yeah exactly walk around see if there's any dings that haven't been reported because if I see a big shipping container that one is weird yeah that one's that's hold it hold it I say

what's going on with you you thought you had nothing to talk about. Watch this. Everybody that I know now in stand-up, nor I imagine you're included in this batch, records all their sets. That's fair to say? But I've been doing that since 2014.

Okay. So you're, you're one of the pioneers. And I wouldn't do it for social media. I did it for myself just to watch and go like, yeah, and to get better and to write better jokes, do video,

audio, or both. I guess you wouldn't have a camera with a little, um, media card. And I would put the media card in the laptop, upload that to YouTube, create monthly playlists for myself to see how a joke evolved. Um, it's,

I don't have that work ethic anymore. I will have to be honest. I'm tired, but you did it. Uh, you weren't, like you say, you weren't uploading it.

I feel like now that's the whole thing yes is somebody wants like they want a good burn that they did on somebody in the audience um but like uh it never happens i don't think it ever happens you couldn't film 100 sets and nothing nothing ever happened also i'm i'm shocked shocked that you did crowd work the other day and you asked someone there. You were asking people their fears. It wasn't me. It was the other comic.

I watched this happen in front of me. Oh, sure. But just the idea of someone doing crowd work and being like, what are your fears? And the person being like, well, what could go wrong if I tell this person with a microphone in front of everyone my fear? There's a writer from Just for laughs gags in the crowd yeah that sounds pretty good yeah i think the other answer was snakes snakes and porta potty oh my god a lethal combination

a snake in a porta potty right yeah no thanks uh so i have never done this i i think like over the course of the time i've been doing comedy i think i've recorded let's say five sets what because i would never watch them and i recording them i would record them every time never listen to them never a part of the process uh should have been probably but so i haven't been recording but i noticed i chose everybody is so i want to record too i want to see what i can get out of it uh but that meant that i have to buy a tripod yes everybody does it with phones now you got to get a good tripod i don't know what's a good tripod i have no i can recommend one for you okay i have one for you don't even just a second i just have to write this week's episode summary.

Graham buys a tripod. David searches for videos. David goes port-a-potty crazy. And Noor goes off about hummus. It's true. Tell me your recommended. And keep in mind, I've already bought one so go ahead okay so let me tell you why this one's already better than the one that you've bought number one

it's very compact and it's very light okay so it compacts into like a mini rod kind of oh yeah the one graham got is very large and it's unfoldable they can't fold it it's just any compact uncompactable yeah yeah it's just it's always embarrassing when you open up a tripod like no matter what it's so embarrassing doing the whole like at the back of a room like excuse me sorry i'm apparently a sound guy now not just a comedian i'm a try hard with a tripod yeah i got the boom up there yeah and it's totally like but it's it's funny it just was not a thing uh a couple years ago it feels like and now it's literally everybody on the show is taping it but i think it's really good because now i mean i'm not doing it i've been through a lot of I'm just like I'm just

taking a little bit of a break from stand-up and only doing like shows here and there but for my other friends who are comedians it's opened a lot of possibilities up because the industry's changing and so by posting your own clips and getting your own audience and people following you it's like you can bypass the industry and you can bypass getting booked on something where they have good quality on YouTube or on a TV show. So it's, it's a double-edged sword because it's all this opportunity, but it's also overwhelming for people like us who have been in this for over a

decade. And we're like, but this isn't part of my job. You know, my part, my job is to write jokes and be funny. I didn't sign up to be the video guy and the caption person and yeah the engineer the editor and having to listen to it over and over

again but what what tripod do you recommend because i know listeners out there are like god damn it she didn't even say what kind of tripod oh god i don't am a trek amr tech something like that am urt ak i think get the long the biggest one i think it's 50 yeah dave's on it dave's googling and at the top there it's got you can put your iphone in or like your phone and it's got that thing on the top already and it can switch from horizontal to vertical really easily oh interesting okay and and it's really long so it can stand you don't need to put it on a table or anything like that it's like if there's just an empty spot in the room, you can just put it and it's going to be like, you know, it's going to get your set. Yeah.

Whereas I struggled for years, like asking audience members, excuse me, if I put my camera in front of you, like I hated doing that. Yeah. I ended up buying one that is like a small one that you wrap around things. You only need like. No, no, no. You can't. You can't. You can't do that, Graham. Because sometimes a small one that you wrap around things. No, no, no. You can't do that, Graham. Because sometimes there's no things to wrap around. No, no, no, Graham.

I'm going to send you the link to this one. It's from a mom and pop shop called Amazon. Oh, yes. Yeah. I'll send you the link. I'll text it to you. Because I Googled it. I can't find that brand. It's not.

God damn it okay i'm gonna okay i'm gonna go into my search history here hold on uh no it's fine you don't have to do that right now you're on a podcast the brand i bought is and i bought it mostly because of the name podzilla yeah they're the best they're they're great yeah it's good it's exactly for my purposes it did it spoke to me and i just I'm not going to record every set there's no way that's going to happen so a place that has a ledge or a table or whatever I'll record that but

I'm not setting up my phone in the middle of the room where somebody can knock it over people no no one's going to knock it over I promise you like it's if not for you post, then for yourself. Yeah.

To work on stuff. Treat myself. Do you remember in the first year of the iPhones existed, people were like, you know, everyone, there were all these news stories about people being mugged for their iPhone. Yes. And you would never put it on someone's table. They gonna walk away with it that's right that and your reebok shoes which also people were stealing off of people when they first came out um so i bought this tripod i went to a mom and pop shop because i was like i want to buy a local thing that'll help some local business.

The worst customer service I have ever had in my life. I asked a question to the woman on the floor. She then walked over and Googled the question, which I was like, well, I also have a phone. I could have done this. And then when I took the tripod to the counter, they just ignored me. They were talking to some pal.

And I was just standing there wanting to buy it. That's why you got to trust Amazon. You got to trust Amazon. They love you. Amazon loves you. And then. The devil. The devil loves you, Graham. Atom Tech.

It's an Atom Tech. A-T-U-M-T-E-K. Atom Tech. Sorry. Atom Tech. Okay. And get the 60 inch. It's.

Oh, see, it's a selfie stick originally, but we've, or comedians, we've repurposed it into a tripod. Well, I think that's, I want to be the selfie stick comedian. I want to be going up on stage with a selfie stick. You say it like it's never happened. And the height is adjustable, so you could put it on a table or you could put it on the ground. Okay.

Okay. Well, we'll see how much I use the tripod I have. is adjustable so you could put it on a table or you could put it on the ground okay okay well uh we'll see how much i use the tripod i have i'm gonna say zero i say i'm never gonna bring it with me i'll forget to bring it with me i'll never record a set ever again um but you know what it's it's fine i ended up putting the thing back in the mom and pop store and going right next door to London Drugs and buying it from them. I think I speak for a lot of people who enjoy your comedy to say, please record your sets. Please post clips online.

We want to know what new jokes you're working on. We want to see how funny you are. What if I'm not working on new jokes? That's okay. Destroy an audience member and have us watch that. Yes, that's true. I should put somebody in the audience just saying something nasty.

Oh, that woman that the person threw a beer at, she ended up getting a late night set. She ended up, right? It kind of worked out really well. Yeah. Yeah. Which I've had stuff thrown at me on stage and it never got anything. It's my set. really well. Yeah. Yeah. Which I've had stuff thrown at me on stage and it never got anything. Had you been recording it,

maybe you would be on late night right now. This was before cameras. This was before, this was when, uh, it was in the 1800s. Yeah. I was one of the first standups. People don't know that,

but I did a lot of like, Hey, what's up with those horse troughs? You know, I'd like a drink that big or something like that. Yeah, sure. Wow.

Why do they call it the civil war? That's kind of an oxymoron. Seems uncivil to me. So has anybody heard about this Lincoln guy? Anyway, nice beard, dude. Have you ever heard of a thing called a mustache anyways uh anyways yeah so i've been around a long time uh we move on to a little bit of business yes sir oh it's business time you you little briefcase buddies. Yeah, you little sneaks.

You love business as much as anyone. You love it. Yeah, you love it. And oh boy, oh boy, you wish this bit of business was about you. Well, it will be about one of you. Perhaps your name is Christy. Maybe you have a friend named Robin. Put together, you sound like Christopher Robin.

Oh, sure. From Winnetopeg. Yeah, Winnetopeg. Dave, do you want to take this message? Happy 30th birthday to the biggest SpyPod fan i know christy my boyfriend of over a decade and also his own person has inadvertently advocated for the comedy stylings of spy pod by listening on road trips recommending macaroni pies to graham at his edinburgh fringe show and somehow having the same birthday as dave Here's to your 30s.

Yeah, the filthy 30s they call them. Yeah, they call them the nasty 30s. The same birthday as me. Happy birthday to me, by the way. No one said it. Oh, also, both of these people are Scottish. So imagine their names with Scottish accents. Oh, yeah.

Christy and Robin. Robinin robin hey robin get over here now if you want to if you want to do no let's have more fun sorry i want to have fun dave wants to have what did you get where you got recommended a macaroni pie i don't remember this at all but i've got no memory of the macaroni pie why is that your accent i um i uh have an ulcer yes i'm sorry to hear about that oh um should we move back to the show yeah if anyone out there wants a macaroni pie go to maximum fun.org macaroni pie, go to MaximumFun.org slash macaroni pie. But if you would like a Jumbotron message,

go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron and you can write one for your friend who's turning 30. Yeah. Bye. Bye.

Hey, I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin. Listen, you like podcasts, right? Sure you do. Don't try and lie to me. You're listening to one right now. So why not try a different one called R1, The Flophouse?

Uh-huh. And on The Flophouse, we watch a movie and talk about it. And then sometimes we also do other stuff. It's all meant to be funny and fun, and we think you'll have a good time. And just to be clear, the name of the podcast is not R1, The Flophouse. It's just called The Flophouse. I do a lot of correcting Dan. The Flophouse. A lot of correcting the Flophouse. I do a lot of correcting Dan. The Flophouse.

A lot of correcting Dan. Hey, it's John Moe, inviting you to listen to Depresh Mode with John Moe, where I talk about mental health and the lives we live with all kinds of people. Famous writers, David Sedaris, welcome to Depresh Mode. Thanks so much for having me. Movie stars,

Jamie Lee Curtis, welcome to Depresh Mode. I am happy to be here. Musicians. I am in St. Paul, Minnesota. I'm talking to Amy Mann. Great to talk to you. And song exploders. Rishi K. Sherway, welcome to Depressed Mode. Thanks so much for having me.

Everyone's opening up on Depressed Mode on Maximum Fun. Overheard. Okay, here we go. Overheard. When we hear a thing out there, it's not trash. It's treasure. And we like to share that treasure around. And we always like to start with the guest.

Noor, do you have an overheard? I do apologize for how dirty this is. Here it comes. All right. I was at a show yesterday and the host was doing some crowd work and she was telling the crowd about, she's Irish and she's telling the crowd

about how she tricked her American boyfriend into thinking that making tea for your girlfriend is a cultural Irish thing. And then she started talking to an audience member and the audience member was with her boyfriend and the audience member was like wearing a tiara all decked out like it was her night. The comedy show didn't matter. And then she was like, oh, how long have you guys been dating? And then this girl was like, you stay away from him. Okay. I'm nice, but I'm New Yorker. I'll come get you. And she was like, didn't you hear? I told you about

my boyfriend. He makes me tea every morning morning and this audience member with no hesitation says well he makes me come every morning and that was oh how gross good for her I mean like good for her on the one hand and good for her for being so quick but it was a lot I was like okay yeah that is a lot but you know what everybody comes out on top oh yeah well you know you got it flaunted that's what i yeah yeah every morning there's a boyfriend and there's something and they shut the door. Don't say a word. Dave, do you have an overheard? Mine's an overseen. So I'm on Facebook. I love it.

It's cool. Yeah, it's cool. Meta, I like to call it now. Yeah, I guess I'm part of the metaverse. But I'm part of the neighborhood group. Oh, yes. Just as people posting things about things going on in the neighborhood. Hey, I saw a coyote. Cool.

Neat. Uh, and this one was, uh, the title is uncarved pumpkins for pigs. And this was sent on, uh, the, the 20th of, maybe it was sent on the 19th of november okay looking to collect up any remaining uncarved pumpkins for a pig farmer we will be dropping off pumpkins we have been collecting up soon let me know if you'd like to donate your pumpkin wow and i was like who has pumpkins like three weeks after Halloween uncarved? And then I, I looked at the replies and there's so many people I was floored. Yeah.

I mean, it's like, it is like an old banana. Those pumpkins, they, after October 31st, they start caving in. But these are, they want uncarved pumpkins so like who is buying a giant pumpkin just to i guess decorate they only want the little like the little little ones uh i did see a house the other day that had several pumpkins still on its porch uncarved one was really bumpy and weird looking maybe maybe that was your neighborhood maybe the the person was like yeah i'll save these i'll give it to a pig and how do you how does a big city person know a pig farmer how does that work out you know so it's never a good sign um my overheard is thank you here's what happens a lot in vancouver is people if you're walking

down the sidewalk people will walk behind you and never overtake you so you they'll be like three feet behind you and you either have to step aside and let them go or you just have to listen to their conversation the whole time that you're walking um and there was uh it was two people didn't know what they looked like but i I'm going to say early 20s maybe, and they were talking about what a community they have online and that they kind of support each other and kind of accept each other's faults and how nice it was. And then they talked about one gentleman,

and she said, he wants to be called Bowser. It's the only thing he will respond to that's a cool yeah that's a cool name but it's also like cool to have people in your community who insist on having weird names yeah and are you know accepting of your uh you know your shenanigans right that's a real friend that i'll say you know what i still like you even though you want to be called bowser or luigi or any other class do you want to be called anything else yeah do you want to do you want a nickname oh god here's i'm gonna throw one out there the tahini meanie how about that oh i Oh, I love that. There we go. Changing my handles right now.

I'm trying to think of another one with hummus. Peach, because I put the P from chickpea in peach. I don't know. Was that bad? That was bad. I'm sorry. I think that was bad. But I'm open to ones in the the future absolutely okay yeah if one strikes you

i'm here for you yeah um thank you i uh for the time being i will just stay grand but i'm if you know if this super mario brothers movie is any good maybe i'll make the switch about the toad i'll say oh yeah um the toad with the chode check them out everybody on the road with the toad of chode uh now we also have overheard sent into us from people all over the map if you want to send one into us you can do uh you can do that spy at maximumfund.org you knew this you knew, right, Nar? Or is this a surprise? No, not a surprise, but I love it. I love how international you guys are. Yeah, that's true. Coast to coast. We're here. We're here for you, listeners out there. Now, this first one comes from Ian

in Winnipeg, Manitoba. So this was a pretty small place. He was at a seven-year-old martial arts class. His son is a seven-year-old boy's martial arts class. Pretty small place. There are a few of the rows of folding chairs. It's sort of an alcove area that parents can sit in and watch the kids. I was sitting there with the parents when I saw Dad with a

confused look on his face walk over and look at the corner of the wall from where the front row starts. His wife was a couple rows back. The conversation went like this. Dad says, did you see your son's eyebrows? And the mom said, why? What's wrong with his eyebrows? And the dad said, they aren't there.

and the dad said they aren't there and they just as an epilogue to all this when they were heading out she found out that he shaved the front part where the bangs would be and then used a ladies razor to shave off his eyebrows

I mean it's a look it's a look, it's a vibe. It's a vibe. But it's also just like a way to kill time. That's true. When were you, how old were you when you realized how dangerous razors could be? Oh, very young, I think. Because like, that's a rite of passage to like do a shave right

I did it on my I had a little bit of hair on my arm when I was about yeah maybe 8 and I pulled the razor up didn't use any cream or anything and just like it was like sod coming up from the lawn it was just like I pushed the skin

oh god in a like little narrow row of skin the lawn. It was just like I pushed the skin back. Oh, God! In a little narrow row of skin. Oh, no! And Dave's never shaved since. He's got that beard. Mm-hmm. This next one comes from Bob in Country Durham, UK. County

Durham? Oh, yeah, County Durham. I thought it was County Durham. Thank you. Overheard this on the train. A teenager in a tone of smug wisdom said, the best piece in the chess is the board. Ooh!

Wow, this guy is playing 4D chess. Now this last one I have to I have to make up a song to to make this last one work I have to make up a tune

okay so just so but I don't know if it's the right tune I'll just you know I'll just throw it Graham you're kind of a master on the mic

so I'm not worried about this at all um this is from Hannahannah uh in portland oregon and uh my husband and i were at the zoo in summer watching one of the black bears cool itself in a waiting pool it's very cute because it's big enough that the bear looks like he's relaxing in a hot tub then things got even cuter when i overheard a little boy singing oh i'm a rich bear like a little theme tune for the fair oh that's cool that's cool that kid's cool right i mean what makes a bear rich having a hot tub having a hot tub i guess yeah having his own hot tub

uh you know uh yeah what else makes a bear rich they they own the uh unicycle that they ride around in the circus yeah sure um i mean a bear boy the lifestyle of a rich bear is pretty good like you're swimming you're just relaxing yeah getting that hand stuck in the yes fishing absolutely getting your hand stuck in the honey pot uh you know eating honey out of a a beehive that's bears do that regularly they don't care get getting stung yeah they climb they can climb traveling sleeping the best sleeping months on traveling where are bears traveling they migrate they do okay i thought they hibernated but sure The world's changing Dave Okay Bears without borders

Okay There's like I feel like Every year there's another Oceans movie In addition to movies Our phone calls are letters Overhearts that are written and we also accept your phone Calls if you want to call us our phone number

Is one eight four four seven seven nine seven six three one. That's one spypod one like these people have that was good dancing i'm gonna need a clip of that to post on my instagram please i'm not even kidding get the intern on it i don't hire an intern i don't care i need that in my life i worry that that is just going to be one of our windows it's not going to give us all three when it when it makes the video right yeah but i want everybody uh out there to know that we're all dancing yeah oh man it's hard not to yeah that is a cool it's that would be good for a ringtone because you'd be like oh i'm really worried about this call but then you get the call and you're like yay yeah you're about to get fired and you're

like you know what i don't feel bad to get fired and you're like you know what i don't feel bad about it yeah yeah and even like you'll let uh you know obviously a scam ring through because you're like i don't care that's gonna be a scam yeah hey dave graham and guests this is danny calling in an overheard from chicago i was in a movie theater bar and there were three women who were like kind of making a night of it there. And at one point one of them leaned back in her chair and said into her phone, Hey Siri,

FaceTime the beast. Anyway, I love the show. Bye. You got beast. Go ahead for beast. you want to hear my ringtone it goes like this oh man so funny i wouldn't can you imagine wanting to facetime with anyone yeah exactly let alone the beast uh i'm accidentally facetiming you and you know that the beast he's concerned about his looks he doesn't want to get on a facetime they call him the beast ever since that that old hag put a curse on him

but you know the beast we all know the beast. I can't. Okay, next phone call. Hey Dave, Bram, and awesome guests. This is Neil from Portland. I was in my local Rite Aid getting my COVID-19 booster, and the song playing over the speakers was Alicia Keys' This Girl is on Fire. I think that's the name of it. Anyways, it reminded me of a previous overheard where a girl called in and said that she had heard this other person singing This Girl is on Pfizer after getting their COVID booster.

Anyways, it was hilarious. It made me giggle, and i thought i should share it yeah that person rules so that overheard was he was remembering another overheard and he wanted to tell us about it overheard-ception you know what i'm saying like it's overheard within an overheard yeah like it's i don't even know if it's within an overheard i think he just was like hey remember that time someone said this overheard yeah but it's an overhe it's within an overheard. I think he just was like, hey, remember that time someone said this overheard? Yeah, but it's an overheard based on an overheard. So it is an overheard and an overheard.

Yeah, look. Okay, I don't necessarily... You're shutting me down and it's like not fair. Sure, yeah, fine. No, I... Yeah, you're right. You're always right and I'm always wrong. It's great.

Final phone call. Hi, Dave Yeah, you're right. You're always right and I'm always wrong. It's great. I know. Final phone call. Hi, Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. This is Eugenie calling from Hobart, Tasmania. I was in a service station and a little boy was angling to get some sort of treat for the highway and asking his dad, back my last name, blah, blah, blah.

And his dad turns to him and says, you know, we have Gina in the car. And the little boy turns to him and says, you know, we have tuna in the car. And the little boy turns to him and goes, tuna, tuna, tuna! Thanks for all your wonderful work. Your kid, we got tuna in the car.

Aren't there like little snack tunas that you can get like a little like a tube of tuna or something like that I feel like this is a thing that happened no you can get like I know where you can buy tuna hummus I'll tell you where you can buy it

on death row that's where you can buy it I'll tell you where you can shove it Dave the yeah I like to be into tuna that into tuna as a kid on tasmania i'm trying to find this travel tune maybe i just dreamt it maybe that's not an actual like you know tuna in a tube do you well you've never eaten tuna no and that's true oh are you like how long have you been a vegetarian for?

Oh, it's not even that. I'm allergic to them. Oh, okay. I'm allergic to the fish. To them. Those to them. Them, all them fish. Not a particular fish.

You know what looks really good, though, is the can of Rio More. If you ever see that. Where there's, like, the stick? It's, like, it looks like a steak. Yeah, it looks like it's being carved off and it's thick. Unlike the other tuna that's mashed. Do you know what I mean? This is a...

I mean, but do you know what you mean? Riomara? Well, but like, you can't really speak to what the other tuna's like. You've never had it. I've seen it. But have you seen it coming out of the can? It's not all mashed. Well, no, I guess not.

You make it into a little salad. I've seen it when it comes out of a tube when I'm on the road. Everybody got some of their tuna snacks. Hey, front desk, can you send up some more tuna tubes? Well, that brings us to the end of this episode nor you do shows in toronto let everybody know when they are go ahead now all right please come out on saturday december 3rd at 10 p.m at comedy bar um and oh my, I don't remember the open Michelle dates, but please follow me on Instagram. I post them there at Nor hit. And tell us about open Michelle.

Open Michelle is, um, an open mic that I started with my friend, Jess. Um, it's a space for women and non-binary performers to try out new jokes, hang out, um,

have fun. We have a lot of audience members who come through. So if you want to sign up or if you just want to support live comedy we would love to see you nice okay and that's over Michelle it's at Tallboys at Tallboys yes Michelle drop

nice nice nice nice and thank you for being our guest Nora this has been fantastic fun and thank you out being our guest, Nora. This has been fantastic fun. And thank you out there, listeners, for listening. If you know what I'm talking about with Tuna Tubes, get in touch. And come back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture.

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