Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 768 - Malik Elassal

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

Comedian Malik Elassal joins us to talk Calgary high schools, Coco Krispies, and booing movies.

Hey, folks, before we get going this week, oh boy, the year is coming to an end real fast. Boy, is it? Yeah, and all of a sudden the halls are decked and the bows have broken. The ways have been jingled. Yes, that's right. You've just polished off a movie, you know, Hallmark white ice wine christmas or something like that um but uh before we get going we wanted to to uh it just occurred to us that oh the at the end of the year we always do or for the last couple of years we do a year-end episode where our guests are you the listeners you and your crazy exploits we get to hear from you for

a change and so we can put on uh earphones and do our work listening to what you have to say yeah yeah i'm gonna do a puzzle i'm gonna wash the dishes uh i might jog just because like you know i kind of like to let my mind wander. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's healthy. It's healthy both ways for mine and body.

Uh, uh, so we are going to record our, uh, year end episode with you as the guests, but we need you to be our guests like a certain, uh, the teapot once said,

yeah, exactly. Don't make us Lumiere your ass. We want you to be our guest put our something to the test put our podcast to the test sure fine uh we're going to be recording this episode on the 13th of december at six o'clock p.m until eight o'clock p.m pacific time uh that's 9 p.m till 11 eastern i believe uh 9 30 newfoundland right yeah no i think not uh it would be 10 30 newfoundland holy shit yeah that's right they're way over there um but

uh yeah so if you would like to be our guest if you would like to speak to us this isn't you can't just show up and uh and watch you can't drunk dial us and uh you know blow up our phone or apologize that we should get back together all that if you would like if you would like to be our guest uh and you have either a question or a talent or a regret you would like to share with us we don't want you looking forward. We want you looking back. Absolutely. No New Year's resolutions. Just we want you dwelling on the past.

New Year's regrets. Well, we'll accept some possible pre-regrets for next year. What you need to do is email us, spy at maximumfund.org with the subject q and a uh tell us that you're free on tuesday december 13th uh between six and eight pacific and if you are chosen we will email you back and tell you give you a five minute window in uh in which we'll call you or actually you'll visit a zoom link and you'll be a guest on the show and uh bingo bango yeah and if you don't show up for your slot god help me i'm gonna i'm gonna spit i'm gonna be so mad so uh yeah email us spy at maximum fun

dot org subject q and a if you want to be a guest on our year-end episode. Should we start this episode? Yeah, let's do it. Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 768 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

My name is Graham Clark. With me as always is a man who looks really good and really French in stripes, Mr. Dave Shumka. Oink. Quack. Quack, quack. I'm a duck. Hello there. I'm wearing a stripy shirt. It's, um, I don't know if you can see the texture of it. It's very warm and cozy. It's like a waffly waffle boy. Oh, this is man oh man is this the time for waffle shirts yeah baby i like everything waffled i like uh my nike waffle runners yeah like my waffly shirts that's about it i like pancake paint pancakes

well my pants i like my pants cake oh sure waffle with batter usually yeah um our guest today a first-time guest here on the podcast very very funny comedian very glad to have him here on the show it's malik alasso hey on my name uh it's uh lasal there's l yeah we forgot yeah damn it oh lasal no graham doesn't do l's like you were saying off air that it actually has a letter that's not in the english language but graham doesn't do the letter l in the english language that's right yeah yeah he calls waffles waffles yeah stop or you know my mom will shoot roll is just ro yeah yeah go it's on forever this is is this a running bit of graham just like not getting the name right well i feel like i had it right but he led me

down the that's true the wrong it's my mic it might be the mic i got oh sure it could be the mic yeah absolutely the actual pronunciation of my name is el asal there's like ah yeah that's see i don't know they can do it yeah it's kind of the duck thing that you were doing earlier dave that yeah in the middle of it if you can make your throat touch together that's kind of how you pronounce it but i I don't expect you guys to. Well, no, we'll try. We got 90 minutes. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. No, no, no. That's ballpark. El Hlaso. El Hlaso.

Ah. El Hlaso. Ah. Ah. Ah. I'm trying to figure out how to say it. El Hlaso. Ah.

And I'm sorry to anyone out there who's still listening to anyone out there if you're out there i'm sorry uh do you want to get to know us yeah before the show you were saying it has a letter that's not in the english language and i was blown away the other day when i was like uh i was thinking about uh the italian word giardino or for like jar for garden okay yeah they don't have the letter i I was like, Oh, it's a GI. And like Giuseppe for Joseph is GI. Like, yeah. Does it Italy just not have the letter J.

And I looked it up. Italy only has 21 letters. Really? Holy shit. What the hell? Yeah. They're more laid back there. They,

they do traditional. They don't need as much of an alphabet as our go, go satiety. They have no J. They have no K. They have no j they have no k they have no wxy really or uh yeah what do they call x-rays over there uh giuseppe how many letters do we have uh okay let me just wait wait wait wait wait yeah count them out okay yeah we have one a b c d e f g h i j that's 10 right there yeah okay okay k is 11 yeah l m n o p that's 12 yeah that's all

one letter yeah this is tricky yeah uh q is i don't think of q as a letter i think of q is sort of like just someone out there dropping facts Oh sure yeah or an avenue Somewhere there are two ways to use Q Yeah And then RS I think of as like Is that

Is there like a Nissan I don't know man This is your trip 26 letters in the english language hear it okay malik real real quick real quick there's no real quick and if anyone out there is listening this will be real quick just real quick we don't just really quick before we get into it um because i don't want to waste any time uh we don't have the letter p in arabic because i don't want to waste any time uh we don't have the letter p in arabic so no is there something that sounds similar or is it just no sound of that it's just you gotta you gotta use

bees man bees you just gotta replace it and then there's a lot of people these are the new peas yeah right yeah i said that in a magazine supermodel balina boriskova okay i like that yeah that is really good yeah yeah it works uh what are there any other like like exceptions or is that the only one there's a couple that are just like there's a couple different ways to say k but there's like there's different subtleties of the the k sound okay how did that sound did that sound pretty good oh that was great thank you okay good good yeah yeah is that why there's like five spellings of qaddafi i don't know is there yeah it's for different moods that there's there's a g there's a q there's a k i think

yeah uh but no p i can guarantee you that right now no no p november yeah oh geez that's almost done like oh boy i can't wait for the listeners we made it through oh i don't want to jinx it i've gotten this far without being in november how'd you do yours dave did you just did you just cross your legs the whole time or no this is i'm i in a coma. This is all happening in the weird soprano's dream. Right, yes. So this is all in your head. Okay, well. You're laying on the floor of the bathroom just wincing,

just trying not to piss. Absolutely. What's the longest either of you have gone without going, P? Oh, not long. What would you say is your all-time record? Not me neither. Not long. I was at work yesterday, and I didn't do a long day of work,

but it was like a six-hour day of work, and I just worked through lunch. I didn't even bother getting lunch, and then at the end of the day, I went home, and I was like, hey, I didn't even go to the to the bathroom at work nice i guess if you put it out of your mind yeah when you finally did go it was it was like jet black jet black fish yeah like like a squid or an octopus yeah yeah they don't even tell you about black they never think you're gonna get there yeah that's right like they don't bother um malik you were here in vancouver for a while now you're in calgary alberta we found out about each other that we're both from calgary yeah and dave would like to ask you a very important question well i don't know do we do you know the answer to this question graham i don't okay because is this what like do we usually try to guess now because we've we've done it so we've been we've had this happening for so long that now i know all of the schools you know all the schools so

we're gonna ask you what high school you went to in calgary but okay but um graham is from there do you know where graham went to high school um i could guess oh guess i like that did you go to defen baker high no good good guess though wow okay um shit did you go to ep scarlet oh man yeah you know one of the hits did you go to central memorial sorry this will be real quick yeah yeah sorry listeners this will be real quick graham did you go to central memorial high i didn't know it was central memorial did that used to be called something else yeah well it was it used to be way it wasn't in the middle before because i met someone once and i i said oh yeah uh i said something about bishop grandin and they were like never heard of it bishop grandin's in the north am i right about that see mallet grew up in the north i grew up

in the south nary the two will be sure yeah they're like there's all the same yeah oh well this is no fair Because Graham knows The neighborhoods I'm just I'm just reading off a paper You're gonna guess What high school I went to

I am after you guess Graham Um God In the south It was in the south It was in the south But not too far south I don't know

God Notre Dame Yep It was Notre Dame It was in Notre Dame And There's a Notreame yeah it's a private you're kind of the you're the rudy of calgary they whooped our ass in a badminton tournament one time okay well now you're giving me too many hints okay

yeah i agree high school badminton standings. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's the season looking like? Shit, shit, shit. In the meantime, Alec, were you on the badminton team? Yeah, I was on the badminton team. Well, yeah, I played doubles for a bit. But I really wasn't able to just slice it over the net. They were really able to have a nice little fin able to just slice it over the net they were really able to have a nice little finesse and just just touch it over the net and i'd go i'd go stumbling forward

like a jackass every time after the birdie just try to wallop it over the net wallop it a little every time i walloped it they'd spike it down on my end yeah and i would always go too high that was my badminton problem would always go too high and That was my badminton problem. I would always go too high, and then it just came down straight, and they could easily avoid it. And is it if it touches the net in badminton, is that you can't touch the net with the birdie? You can't. It's the MC Hammer rule, yeah.

Yeah, I can't touch this. Uh-huh. Yeah, I think you're not allowed to touch. But you know what? People out there, badminton players, prove me wrong. Prove me wrong. I don't even see Notre Dame in the badminton. Well, this is the badminton.

I'm not lying. Look. Maybe the private school. Did you go to a private school? Oh, yeah. They're here. They're here. They're here.

Okay. I did go to a private school. Ooh. A private school. Okay. I don't know that I know a lot of the private schools. I'd be really surprised if you guessed, but also at the same time,

context clues. I feel like you could know it. It's possible. Was it Catholic? See, this is what I'm talking about. I don't know if I want to say the opposite of Catholic, but it's something,

it's something not the opposite, but sure. Remember those letters we were talking about before yeah yeah so those two favorite letters e p scarlet all right there yeah there it is yeah oh well we're not gonna guess i'm not gonna guess this i can't guess a private school either saint cecilia's no no the opposite of catholic right no there's no saints if there's a saint at the beginning of it is it just cecilia paul's school for muslims uh i can't guess i can't guess yours i don't i have no idea it was the calgary islamic school that was in the north or do you have to travel for that it was uh it was in the north

yeah it was uh i was actually there today that was where i prayed friday prayer the mosque is there was their dress code or is this a fast and loose kind of high school oh at this okay i think i'm at the mosque oh the mosque no no no Yeah, I assume the mosque had... Mosque, anything goes. No shirt, no shoes, no Allah. That's the old saying. No shoes actually is... Yeah. I think no shoes inside should be a universal.

Everybody should do it automatically. Wait, you mean, what are you saying? No shoes, there should be no shoes inside? should be a universal just everybody should do it automatically wait i don't you mean what are you saying no shoes there should be no shoes inside that's right what in a high school in a high school no shoes yes dave i'm saying no how are you gonna know who's rich because the rich people get them uh painted very nicely yeah socks oh yeah nice socks exactly no someone's gonna you're gonna pile like you take off your shoes when you come in the school some prankster's gonna kick the pile of shoes they're gonna go fly there's also those shoe with the toes and i think that would that would be the exception those like toe shoes toe shoes allowed really yeah yeah yeah yeah this is this is a very

complicated rule i'm trying to lay so i'm looking at the uh the badminton calgary high school badminton schedule i thought you'd be looking up the calgary islamic school i wonder if they even have a website honestly um the uh did you know that there's a Nelson Mandela school in Calgary? No. Really? Named after Nelson Mandela. Huh. Saint Nelson Mandela? Saint Nelson Mandela School for South African Muslims.

Yeah. Is this the same Nelson Mandela? No, he's a guy who owns an oil company. You know, this is the one the Mandandella effect is named after yes that's right um uh so you went to northern school and i went to southern schools and i only i think private schools would only play other private schools in badminton i feel like public schools because i feel like we wouldn't yeah i see notre dame on this list on this list of badminton like notre dame is playing ep scarlet they're playing lord beaverbrook is this is the islamic

school anywhere on there no they they were demoted yeah they were relegated to a lower league that we were bad yeah you're playing junior highs only yeah yeah we were bad at everything to be honest yeah it wasn't a good private school like it was nice but it wasn't like the only thing private about it was that it was only muslims like it wasn't like like a lot of like you know there wasn't like a lot of facilities because of like oh like this is a private school it was really just to kind of have like a muslim curriculum was what we were paying for essentially okay and yeah it would be weird if it was a public school and then they were just like yeah this is my catchment i just live in the same neighborhood as uh muslim calgary muslim school there was one girl one time actually who slipped through the cracks oh like uh wow and there's a girl named trisha who just she just

showed up oh my god you got this is like like shakespeare in love like uh just wore a wig or how did the how did trisha get in there i think um i think she was maybe and this and i could be wrong um she could have been maybe troubled in some kind of way and maybe someone was trying to turn it around oh sure this sort of prison style yeah right yeah scared straight yeah people convert to islam in prisons like she was already she was on the way so like she right her in early yeah this is your future uh i love those scare straight shows that really would be a good like uh teen movie of like this girl who's got kicked out of school she's been kicked out every school in town and now she has to go to the muslim school it's like um

uh what's the one with is it she's the man is that the one that pretending to be a muslim people just believe you if you just put on a headscarf it's not really like hey i can tell that thing's see-through you're not muslim i can see your hair well fake it till you make it um i went to lord beaverbrook that's where i went that's right okay that's right yeah yeah lord beaverbrook who was lord beaverbrook oh he was a rogue he was uh his actual name was lord so he's not actually a lord his name is lord spelled like the singer yeah he spelled it with an E like the singer.

Yeah, Lord. And yeah, Beaverbrook. I don't know. He was the guy who helped build the school, I guess. It was his district. And he had the funds and put it all in school. And then he lost all his money. And now he's dead.

So that's the story of Lord Beaverbrook. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. I know. It's sad. But his legacy lives on. Yeah. Yeah yeah my school wasn't even really very muslim it was just it was named after a guy named calgary uh middle name islamic last name school man that worked out so well for you guys yeah it was perfect we said we might as well teach these kids how to be Muslim. Yeah.

It sounds like it's a, it sounds like a school name already. Let's, let's give it a whirl. It's got school right in it. I remember like, uh, the Calgary board of education had a downtown location and they had these

crazy statues in front of it that looked like stretched out alien people and oh yeah do you know the one i'm talking about yeah because i remember that was the first time i think because i think they have penises right and stuff like that yeah yeah because as a kid that was that was good for a laugh anytime i like that sentence that was the first time because they had penises right yeah where are you going with the first time what time i saw a rock a stone penis um what uh in in the north where where's the cool hangout where's the like what neighborhood did you go to that was like this is where it's happening um i guess just um temple which is just where my cousins lived it was not there was not really i really only which is just where my cousins lived.

There was not really. I really only hung out with my cousins. Like, I didn't have. Yeah, it was just cousins, and we didn't really go anywhere. You know where it was? A hangout spot was the Village Square Leisure Center. Oh, okay. Yeah. They may play some video games, hop in the wave pool, this maybe playing some video games hopping the wave pool

this kind of stuff in the wave pool hangout i remember like one there was a time when i was about 12 or 13 they had a thing called teen night which i was not allowed to go to but it was just the night of debauchery i remember i used to hear stories about teen night well it happened on teen night it's very interesting teens teens grinding on each other and i think probably smoking cigarettes or smoking pot things like that things that just scared the hell out of me hearing about yeah yeah but i mean you gotta admit smoking pot and then going in a wave pool does sound like that does sound sometime yeah yeah you know we're getting a lot of kids at teen night in the wave pool um uh dave you've gone to a wave pool in the not too distant past have you got that correct or

has it been a while thanks for asking uh it's been about it'll be 10 years this uh upcoming summer i've been in a wave pool yeah okay i think that's the year i went to uh great wolf lodge I think that's the year I went to Great Wolf Lodge. That's the last time. I mean, what? I swore it off then. He's scared of getting in trouble too, he says. You're a lot younger than Graham and I, but as the years go by, you find less and less reason to go to a wave pool.

That's true. I can't imagine any reason why not to go to a wave pool. You're right. Okay. Yeah. Counterpoint. Yeah. Counterpoint. Yeah. Did your wave pool have a rope that you could swing out over the wave pool and drop into?

And it had a little ball. It had a ball that you would like grab and you kind of sit on the ball. Nice. On the rope? On the bottom of the rope. I remember. Yeah. For years, I would just eye it.

Never had the guts to go to get on the rope i remember yeah for years i would just eye it never had the never had the guts to go to to get on the rope like that kind of stuff is nerve-wracking because all eyes on you yeah there's all eyes on you for that minute and it's like kids are doing backflips kids are just kids are doing crazy stuff off the rope and it's like if you just drop in you don't you don't look that sick so you gotta you gotta outdo people you gotta hurt yourself honestly yeah yeah that's the blood sport what's the tallest diving board you've gone off of hmm that's great great question um malik if you will the five um not i don't know how tall it was, but it was the highest platform

at any you Calgary heads out there might be able to tell me. The Talisman Recreation Center in Calgary. That sounds right. The tallest one there. The level five, which is about... Dave, are you looking this up?

It used to be called Lindsay Park. Now it's been changed because an oil company became the main sponsor. It's still Lindsay Park next to it, yeah. And they got little bunnies that live there now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you, I think we've gone off of the same diving board. Not diving for me. Was it a platform or a springboard?

It was a platform. And it was Olympic size. It was the official Olympic size. the top of the highest one so that's like like 10 meters oh yeah it's a platform it's probably that yeah i guess it was are you in the air for like a long long time yeah yeah enough to have like a coherent thought as you're going down like this is gonna hurt so much i because i don't think i've maybe i've done a 10 foot diving board i've been like yeah you have enough time to really just squeeze your feet together because i remember when my dad was teaching me how to swim he's like don't let your feet open up when you're in the air because you'll sack yourself with by ways of the water you'll can

yourself with water sack yourself by ways of the water sack yourself by ways of the that's you'll become the shape of water that is beautiful and then i sack myself you know the guy graham uh you might have known this fact that the guy doug jones who plays the shape of water guy yeah uh and played uh you know the guy with the hands in uh the eyeballs i know where this is coming because i just realized this the other day he was mac the knife in the night back the night yes mac tonight right he was a yeah a hamburger jazz man he was a moon headed man he was a moon-headed man. He was a moon-head, that's right. This is from before your time. I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about.

We're talking about Doug Jones. He also played... Is he from Calgary? Then I don't know. If it's not here, it's not worth knowing. He also played the fishy character in Hellboy. He got typecast there for a while being like a human fish man and i mean yeah yeah i mean yeah if you can do it once and why not an encore

victory lap um so uh the because i feel like did our recreation center have anywhere to smoke i don't think so or maybe you go behind the center and that's where you smoke what's the highest diving board you've ever smoked on yeah i've smoked off 10 meters no way man dude i hit a bong the whole way down whoa you actually get higher if you stand up higher and the bong water is yeah water yeah you don't want it to sack you you don't want it to sack you but if you if you rip the bowl at the perfect time the velocity will actually suck it back harder than ever my dad taught me keep my lips really tight so because you don't lose a tooth bong wise yeah you don't want to sack yourself bong wise in the water oh yeah if that isn't a scared straight program i don't know what it is um do you either you guys watch the like scared straight uh who is it like mori mori would do it

maybe jenny jones would do it yeah and they would it was great it was for me it was i know that it's probably exploitive but uh the kids getting yelled at i i mean everybody wins don't you think it's nice it was such a coin toss like they would bring on a group of troubled teens and they would either like give them makeovers to give them self-confidence or send them to boot camp and have them yelled at by a scary man. Was that, Malik, was that ever the threat that hung over your head by your parents getting sent to military school? My dad used to threaten to send me to Lebanon to live with my grandfather. Oh, okay. But also you talk about loving his his

dad like i didn't understand it as i was like that kind of that'd be kind of fun to go do i'd never been to lebanon yet so i was kind of like okay what do i gotta do yeah and and you like your grandfather he's like pretty chill guy yeah he was a he was a he was a cool guy he did yeah not yeah he i mean he had his moments for sure sure he was uh but he wouldn't be making you do push-ups and uh and whatnot doing feats of strength like they would and uh no i'd be going to get his his pipe tobacco out of the freezer and then getting getting a getting a couple bucks to run down to the old uh village shop get myself a couple of candy bars some some firecrackers.

This sounds awesome. Fire them off next to the school. It was a fun time. Is that a climate thing, or would you keep your pipe tobacco in the freezer even in North America? This is the only time I've ever interacted with the pipe tobacco.

I remember one time I did get it out of the freezer, and then I spilled it all over the ground. Oh, shit. And did he say, I'm going to send you to boot camp now i'm sending you to the moon alice what do you uh what's the weirdest thing you guys keep in your freezer oh that's a really good question i'm full of them today um diving board i don't know weird like ice pack that's not super weird for freezers that's come on what about bread you guys put bread in a freezer

that you could do that because that's yeah it's a big one right yeah i do i do put bread in the freezer okay in the freezer these are these are the couple most normal things you can put in the freezer okay do you guys have ice cubes in your freezer what do you got it's no i keep my eyes on ice cubes on the roof yeah great we're looking for batteries the answer was batteries batteries uh yeah batteries is a good one that have you ever heard of that malik i've heard of that yeah yeah i've heard of that there was i grew up in the rechargeable battery age a little bit. There was some time with batteries, a lot of toys as a kid. I used to put my jeans in the freezer. It was raw denim jeans.

Yeah. Dave, you know about raw denim jeans. You have maybe some of the most worked in raw denim jeans I've ever seen in my life. Oh, my God. You've been paying attention. I noticed them. I noticed. I could see the phone lines.

I could see the wallet lines. I said, this guy's had these for years. Oh, yeah. I'm rolling around in the in the surf to wash them yeah you this guy has walked into the ocean with these i've never done them in the freezer uh what did you what did you have to do do you have to sit in a tub that's what i heard you have to sit in a tub that's like we're talking are we going to talk about Sanfordizing your jeans? Humor me. The idea is that you buy these raw denim jeans and you don't, they're like super stiff and they work to shape to your body and you don't wash them for at least six months.

But then they start to smell. So one thing you can do to combat the smell, to kill the bacteria, is put them in the freezer. Yeah. Put them in the freezer. Wow. You'd have to displace a lot of stuff to get a pair of pants in the freezer.

Yeah. I don't know. Oh, no. I go over to my parents, and they got an extra deep freeze in the basement. You got the big freezer um i have done i have never done jeans in the freezer but i have done sweaters in the freezer if i buy a used sweater they're supposed to be warm yeah that's putting into the

test yeah i'm just saying this is a this is a threat yeah yeah we'll see i'm gonna i'm gonna wrap up a hot dog in here and if it freezes if you buy a used sweater and you're not sure if it has like moths you can uh uh you can kill kill whatever moths might be in it by putting them in the freezer okay this is like this is brand new information to me uh my ass was always too fat to wear raw denim jeans no come on i'm serious what even what about juicy juicy too whoa really like juicy pants juicy couture pants yeah no i can wear those i'm wearing those now what about your what about you but is your ass juicy i mean yeah it's juicy it would break in the pants too fast There'd be too many lines on the back of the pants and not the front

So what are your Boy What are your dimensions What are we talking about here Ass wise What are we working with Ass wise How much water are we splitting with this thing

I mean I don't know I don't know if I would know my own measurements Well I'm a 34c Yeah I'm 34 I mean, I don't know if I would know my own measurements. Well, I'm a 34C. Yeah, I'm 34, 36, 63? No, that can't be right. Yeah, maybe if you're 5'2". That's like a pyramid or something. Yeah, double Ds.

What are your challenges buying pants? How do you buy pants? Oh, it's hard to buy pants. I got to be in the store. it's it's hard to buy pants i gotta be in the store i gotta i it's hard for me to buy pants online because i got thing is i got i got thick thighs this is slower turning pretty yeah and a juicy fat ass wide thighs juicy ass okay what do you wear on a day-to-day basis? Do you wear jeans at all?

I'm wearing jeans now. If not the juicy coutures, then the jeans. I got to wear a Levi's 550. That's the big boy pants right there. But you have to go to the store. You have to try them on. I try on a bunch. Yeah.

You got to go freezer picking, go to a lot of different freezers. I'm the same. Like I have to go to the store. I have to try on like a dozen pair of jeans. None of them fit. Right. Cause I'm like short and thick. So there's no,

this is exactly my problem. Yeah. Yeah. I once bought a pair of Dickies when I was in college, a pair of Dickies work pants. And I was, there were a size 32 oh yeah he's working hands and I was there were a size 32 and which was my size still is yeah ladies yeah okay you wanna put your arms around a college guys waist yeah but I bought these pants

at Zeller's where the lowest price is the law. And I brought them home and I hadn't tried them on in store. I'm like, there's 32. What a way. I'm not going to try on pants and Zellers. I brought them back. They, they were so tight. And then I realized they, for some reason, they just like, they have a thing where they're sewn. Like they, they, there's like a, you can rip a stitch to make them 32 but when you buy them

they're like two inches tighter oh interesting see that's not my experience with dickies because to me dickies are are for thick gentlemen they're for dickies are for thickies yeah sure you had dickies with two c's yeah uh i uh well this was you know this was uh 1999 we're talking about here man yeah it was a long time for dickies um i don't know where you i guess maybe like a mark's work warehouse would have dickies but i don't know what used to be able to get them he buys them but do you buy them in Calgary? Do you buy them here? You're going to want to go to Sergeant Blue Jeans in Winnipeg. It's my cousin's store. Okay, Sergeant Blue Jeans.

Yeah. Is this one of the cousins you used to hang out with in Calgary? Sometimes he would come when there was a wedding. He'd come through, but I was just there. He's from Winnipeg. Okay. He's from Winnipeg, which is where I was born, actually, in the women's hospital. Did you spend time in Winnipeg or did you leave right away?

Six months yeah Just as a baby Just as a baby Then I moved out myself I packed up my shit And that's how you became boss baby When you were in the women's hospital Were they like hey what are you doing here you're not a woman

Yeah they were pissed It's like that girl at your school. So you could empathize with her. They looked at my mom and they were like, okay, now you, that makes sense. But this guy? What the hell is he doing? Wait a minute. He wasn't here when you came in.

Yeah. So Winnipeg, Calgary,couver now back to calgary yeah i lived in edmonton for a spell oh yeah you go to a year what about their wave pool did you check that out while you're there i never did i only i did i never it looked too so big yeah yeah i used to do a show at the comedy club um there in the mall. Oh yeah. That was like on a, I think it was like a Thursday or something.

It was like, it was a slow night. So I would show up and the mall would be closed by the time. Like the show was had. The only thing that was like open was like the food court, the comedy club, and then also the amusement park that they have inside of the West Edmonton mall.

Right. So to get myself amped up for the show i would go ride the roller coaster by myself just one ticket to the roller coaster and just ride it solo to go do a five minutes at an open mic what uh that's great that was your eight mile song basically yeah yeah wow so the it, and this is like, I'm assuming the dead of winter in Edmonton. Yeah. And it's like, you know, minus a million sun goes down at one in the afternoon. Uh, what are, so the only thing that's open in the mall is the amusement park.

How many people are, are right. Oh, are there other people riding the roller coaster? There's nobody on this roller coaster with me and i'm frowning do they take a picture of you and you see like yep did it again around the whole time yeah just straight face on the roller coaster thinking about the people that died on it oh yeah that's right killer Killer roller coaster. Yeah. A couple of guys. Does it go upside down? Oh yeah. It does. Yeah.

It does. A couple of times. Did you hear about Disney that they've like patented a roller coaster where you go up and then the upside down part, you're not on the track. You're just flying through the air and then you connect with the track on the other side. No, thank you. I did hear about that. What are they trying for? Like, why is that part of it for anybody?

Yeah. Have you been to Disneyland and thought, this isn't crowded enough? We need to attract more people to come to Disneyland. I understand the magic, but is there any kind of terror we could get here? Yeah, exactly. Let's really push our understanding of engineering

to the absolute limit. And you see the guy who's putting it together, and he walks away, and you're like, something about that guy I don't trust. And you hear him go, oh, God. Oh, my God. That actually gave me a chill. That was crazy.

No, we all know that California Adventure has Goofy's Flight School. Okay, yes. I've been to Disneyland, but that California Adventure has Goofy's Flight School. Okay, yes. Really? So you've been to Disneyland, but not California Adventure Park. Goofy's Flight Academy, something about that. I didn't, my younger daughter didn't want to go on it, so I couldn't go. Malik, when did you go? What age were you when you went?

To Disneyland? Yeah, yeah. Just a few months ago, actually it was the first time that i ever went oh shit what age were you yeah exactly 14 14 you went this year oh yeah i forgot that this was uh yeah you're sweet 15 this is a big one five yeah and i feel it it's called goofy sky school guys i don't want to get any letters i think it's kind of like the wild mouse where you feel like you're about to go off the edge and then you turn. Right. No, I didn't get to go to Disneyland as a kid.

I went, yeah, at 26 years of age. I wanted to go so bad when I was a kid. Did you guys go? I went as a kid. Yeah. Dave just went as a dad. I went as a dad, but I also went as a dad i went as a dad but i also went when i was three which not as no no memories can i say something fucked up yes i used to wish when i was a kid that i

would get cancer so i get to go to disneyland to make a wish kids well you did you did warn us before you said yeah, so that is true. You know what? Huh, don't know where to go from there, but I'm glad you got to go to Disneyland. Just kidding. No, you're a kid. You know what? I made a wish.

I know somebody that had a sibling that was part of the Make-A-Wish and one of the things that he wanted was to go to IHOP and I was just like, you're wasting it, you're wasting your wish IHOP, we can go there anytime, come on, big big I want to get McDonald's breakfast in the afternoon

yeah, I want unlimited olives McDonald's breakfast in the afternoon. Yeah. I want unlimited olives on my subway sandwich. You can't trust a kid to do something, you know? Yeah. They don't know what is hard to get. They just know their parents won't let them. Um,

yeah. The, uh, did you like it going as age 25 i loved it yeah it was really nice yeah my fave um space mountain okay space mountain was awesome yeah yeah um tried to go on it twice broke down the second time and then yeah but they were all fun i was worried that it was like not gonna like the magic wasn't gonna work like it wasn't gonna be as exciting as as a grown-up but it was just it was it was very easy to buy in immediately right are you a big disney fan growing up um moderate moderate disney fan probably that was more of a looney tunes guy yeah yeah space jam yeah exactly when i think about it there's not much uh but the classic disney crew that is is interesting to kids now that i think of it like as mickey's not funny now there's many goofy's kind of funny but he's more silly and then

donald duck's just angry yeah not in a fun way not donald duck is funny donald duck is funny okay funny angry well he's got some good stuff but like not only is mickey not funny and neither is minnie i don't know what their dynamic is like i know like are they a kermit and miss piggy thing or are they just like are they hot for each other? Or are they together? I think they're going steady. I think they've been going steady for 60 years. They're saving that marriage into, you know, if everybody,

if everyone loses interest in Disneyland, they're like, this is how we'll reboot it. We'll get Mickey and Minnie together. Mickey's dead. Everybody buys a ticket for the day's last day is there like an evil mickey kind of you know how in like popeye there's uh who's the who's the other guy who who bluto bluto bluto who pines after olive oil is like they're a guy who's waiting in the wings for many and yeah there should be let's build that into it yeah that's right um how about baloo from uh the jungle yeah okay okay he's the bear yeah he's a big bear um and you know he's tall right which you know

very popular make her very happy he could yeah he He's got a place with a great view of the jungle and he's, uh, you never had a friend like him, I don't know. Yeah. Goofy is a single dad. He's got, he comes with, I mean, he has kids, you know? Yeah, that's right. But I think he's a good guy.

And Donald is the uncle of Huey, Dewey, and Louie, or Uncle Scrooge is the uncle. That's Scrooge. Is Donald their dad? Hmm. This is interesting. No, I believe it's Scrooge McDuck is their grandfather. Oh, okay.

So then Donald is their dad. Maybe. Actually, I don't even know if it's maybe. I mean, it's got to be. Yeah, because there is a female counterpart, Daisy Duck, I think, is her name. And maybe they had the kids together. Just, I mean, you know, because they're the only two ducks, right? So, Huey, Dewey, and Louie's father, usually known as Mr. Duck, possibly Jamie Duck.

Jamie Duck! as mr duck possibly jamie duck though an alternative account suggests his last name to be ostman jamie ostman wait a second this guy's not even a duck anymore is or was an anthropomorphic duck now we know for sure yeah and like is he dead like why is Donald helping out and taking like raising them Disney's not afraid to

mess with parental death they're into it you gotta learn you gotta learn exactly what I'm thinking about right now is that I'm like okay his name is they're into it they they uh it happens you gotta learn it just you gotta learn exactly well it's like what i'm thinking about right now is that i'm like okay his name is donald duck and then his father's name is scrooge mcduck oh yeah is his name shouldn't his name be donald mcduck yeah uh unless uh scrooge got married to somebody named McDuck and took their name and then

Donald just wanted to do his maiden name? Okay, so here's some, I've done some research. Okay. So, Mr. Duck, his sister is Daisy Duck. So Daisy Duck is the aunt of Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Okay.

And you click on Daisy Duck and her romantic partners are Donald Duck. Nice. And Gladstone Gander. Shit. That guy sounds rich. Gladstone Gander. Yeah.

Yeah. That guy, we could set him up with Minnie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like also Donald's got rage issues, whereas this guy sounds like he's even cool yeah he's cool donald's not well spoken that's true and well i think he has a speech impediment possibly or is that or is it just when he gets angry does he ever sound like a regular person or does he always

now he's got more boy daffy uh from the Tunes has a different, they're not like, Donald's is more of a, and Daffy's is like a. See what it is, is I feel like, like, like Donald kind of is sort of like an Arabic sort of style. Like he's making type noises with his throat. It's pretty good Donald's you guys. You guys are. And Daffy's more of a like yeah yeah it's in the front yeah yeah yeah and he daffy's cracking jokes that's the the great thing about him is he's making jokes as i'm doing daff as i'm trying to do daffy all i can think about is him

saying despicable which is not him that's sylvester that's sylvester that is sylvester that's right um but yeah he does like a spit when he talks kind of guy and bugs bunny had a girl i think at one point lola oh there you go lola bunny and he had a dalliance with daisy duck i think he in his wild years is laying down his oats no basically he went over to disney yeah he went over to disney oh man it was like rumspringer he got to spend a year in a different different universe see how you like it yeah oh there was that guy oh there i remember recognize this so minnie did, there was a guy who was like wearing tall pants and is like a, Oh,

I did have a guy. Yeah. Uh, freak. Does he have a little mustache? Like, you know what? Is he a mouse?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is, they're still in still. She's got a type. Yeah.

She's got a type. And, uh, you know, maybe she lives in a real closed in society. Maybe there aren got a type. And, you know, maybe she lives in a real closed-in society. Maybe there aren't a lot of choices, you know? Yeah, a small world after all. All right.

All right. Good night. All right. That's my time, folks. Wow. That's all, folks. Real Borky Big over here. Borky Big.

Borky Big. Have you ever seen, I imagine you've seen this before, where somebody gets such a big laugh and applause and then continues on to another joke after it? Boy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're really. The bridge is being

built in front of you at that point you're like you're just running on it there are i remember a host in town a guy who hosted a show was notorious for that just being like like you're saying you're just supposed to bring out on the next comedian yeah you just got a big laugh why are you chasing an even bigger laugh now just let's we're all trying to get home before midnight yeah exactly i also love when they lose the laugh when it doesn't get as as much of a laugh and then they go where'd you guys go like you guys were just laughing a second ago you guys loved me a second ago yeah they start to fold in on themselves i do do. Yeah. I like a host that just comes up and does the handshake and then away you go.

No, no, you know, maybe a nice intro or somebody really bombs. Then you can do it all the time. Yeah. No hot dog and up there. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. It's everybody's show.

Well, I guess it's the person who runs the show. But that's a lesson to everybody out there. If you hit that high note in life, walk away, just make sure it's the last thing you ever say. I mean, is it too much to ask for a really funny and hilarious last words that you hear from somebody?

Is there anyone who's done that? It was like famously like done, created a masterpiece and then just retired at like 35. Uh, Oh, there was, um, there's a movie, a Broadway show on a movie called waitress. Oh, sure. The woman who wrote that. I don't think even got to see it be like a famous play in a movie a broadway show on a movie called waitress and oh sure the woman who wrote that i don't think even got to see it be like a famous play in a movie right but uh yeah i think but i just mean like in terms of walking away not dying oh sorry there's plenty of people who died after creating something didn't jd salinger kind of walked away from it didn't he oh sure or uh yeah who did uh harper lee oh yeah did another

book 50 years later or 40 years later i don't know anyway catch her in the rye right yeah yeah i know what you guys talking about yeah yeah yeah you're in the loop you get it uh dave what's going on with you a big week guys here it comes um so we're recording this on uh american thanksgiving oh yes happy thanksgiving oh i guess it's the day after thanksgiving oh what americans call what we in canada in canada call weird thanksgiving for yeah for virgins i think it's black friday for them right now. It is Black Friday right now. That's where I did my Friday prayers. In the trampling line.

I made pilgrimage myself. Yeah. I took a pilgrimage to Worldstar. Was there any stampeding videos? I didn't i didn't look but i assume there assume there are still i don't know i haven't i haven't uh or is that cooled because the internet like has the whole running through uh barricades and stomping on people is that old old news does that not happen anymore i feel like stores have had to step up their sales to kind of compete with that so they're they need the trampling to keep going to right yeah so it's a right now it's a tradition it's a rite of passage it's uh it's something you can refer to uh you know everybody knows what it means

right yeah right uh but earlier this week i went down to amer to America to pick up some packages. Okay. Okay. All right. Just to do some last minute. Well, not last minute, but I was just like, I think I'd like to go to America one time before the Christmas season to get some stocking stuffers for the kids. Nice. Stuff from Trader Joe's, stuff like that.

I did go to Trader Joe's. I went on a Tuesday morning, and it was the busiest i've ever seen it and that occurred to me oh yeah it's thanksgiving here right which is a big one in the states it's not as big a day in canada yeah they go they go ham for turkey um nice nice that's really nice well Well, I'm here. Thanks, everyone. Dave just walked away. He got off that roller coaster, came here, talked for two minutes, and then left. He disappeared into a circle that was also disappearing. Um, uh, but the one thing that was on my shopping list for months since the last time I went to America was, uh, Cocoa Krispies.

Oh. Is it still Flintstone related? No, no, that's Cocoa Pebbles. Oh, it's Cocoa Pebbles. Cocoa Krispies are just chocolate rice Krispies with... Dave, what's Snap, Crackle and Pop in French? Cracoc.

That's a sound I have trouble making. It's the French R sound. Yeah. What would Rice Krispie, what would the mascots be in Arabic? Very, snap, crackle, pop. So, what are the nearest words and or sounds? I want you to really think about this.

I'm thinking about it. This is going to be on the final. Which always the guests have to do after they've recorded. We give them a final exam, and then that's how we determine if they ever come back. So here's your chance. Crackle pop. Go. Fuck. Okay. crackle pop go um fuck okay i've actually never been this nervous before um would you like to take a roller coaster ride i need to yeah i need to amp myself up for this you know what just keep it in the back of

your mind we'll go on and then it'll hit you it'll hit you like one of those things where you're trying to remember trying to remember that's all remember. That's all. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll keep it. I'll keep it going. Okay.

Okay. Dave, you bought some Cocoa Krispies. No, I'm not going to let them move on. I'm going to. Are you trying to figure it out? Come on. You just need to. I think you just need to hype yourself up a bit.

Malik, you've got one shot. To name Snap, Crackle, and Pop in Arabic. One moment. One moment. Cut it. Snap, Crackle, Bob. Perfect. cut it snap graggle bob perfect it's everything i thought it could be and would be and more well done snap crackle pop back to reality

um so that like a few months ago i was like i i bought a box of them when i was in america last time and i i it's like my favorite uh it made it made me think of like oh this is an after-school snack oh this is like a thing to have with coffee now that i'm a grown-up pairs well yeah so that's what i've been doing like all every day at like two in the afternoon i have a bowl of cereal and uh a cup of coffee do you think in general adults are eating cereal or do you think it's a thing for young kids that have just carried over i think it's normal but i also feel like kind of self-aware when I'm like walking home with a box of cornflakes. I don't feel like it's a breakfast anymore. I feel like it is a...

Also, people treat me so strange because I drink regular milk. I've dealt with this. Yeah. No. Milk's good, man. Yeah. Milk yeah milk is great uh back living with my parents house there's milk everywhere and i love it it's a super food yeah yeah it's good for you there's so many weird kinds of milk and so many people are like oh milk oh yeah oh yeah you're gonna drink milk it's really gonna mess up your insides. No, man, I'm like... I'm built differently than you.

Yeah, I'm just built different. I can attest that it's a food that's probably not meant for me, but one I cannot give up. A cereal or a milk? Milk. I mean, not milk, but like other milk products oh it's not yeah such um have you tried have you had all the uh at our local ice cream place uh graham and i uh we don't want to give it away it's rain or shine ice cream yeah uh yeah that's good yeah they have the flavors of the

month for november are On Fleek. Oh yeah, I gotta go again before... Is the flavor called On Fleek? No, no, no. There's one that is mini donut flavored, like cinnamon. I had that. That was amazing. There's one that they call

a bird poop, because it looks like that, but it's like creamy ice cream with the brownie bits and a caramel swirl there's one i don't think graham can have this because i think it has nuts but it's a banana bread one oh yeah i think maybe it has walnut yeah and then they just for fun they released a corn flavored one that's the one i would order because i consistently blow it in the rain or shine line i get i feel too much pressure and i always get whatever the flowery one i'm like can i have lavender ice cream and then i take one lick and i'm like oh fuck that's not what i wanted

but great lineup this month uh but yes i yes so that was one thing you know what that'll be my thing for the week alright I'll save the other thing for next week yeah you went got some Cocoa Krispies made it back safe and delicious ice cream

look I went to Target I went to Trader Joe's the Target I filled up I got so many stock and stuffers nice there's like they just put santa on everything now and it's like all right kids hope you like santa flavored bubble tape santa flavored yeah it's the only one that tastes like santa that's their yearly uh choices that you can get you get santa flavored uh you know what else is there frosty i don't know anyway there's also like buying gifts for the kids this year sometimes it doesn't line up with like what's in stores like they'll get

obsessed with something like a few years ago my daughter was obsessed with this uh this disney fairies movie like uh tinkerbell and there's a bunch of other fairies who are friends with tinkerbell and they like befriend this uh forest beast and this is a movie that came out 10 years before she was born and you couldn't they didn't have toys anywhere oh shit did you find like used toys yeah i found like a weird like ebay just ebay had uh packaged right like like maybe reboxed things oh they're still in the packaging too well or they were like they were just like vacuum sealed into a bag and so it's hard to tell if they were they belonged to someone or they were just like factory seconds yeah yeah but now now they're like it's a lot easier now that they're like into they they love baby yoda and it's like sweet there's tons of baby yoda

stuff to buy they love succession right isn't that they do there but they're they they're still they like the season one stuff and you can't get those season one toys anymore yeah the way star royco fake vacuum yeah i want to get that they want want Waystar Royco, like, fleece vests. I saw a past guest, Sophie Buttle, a couple nights ago, and she was wearing a hat that had the symbol of Royco. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That was pretty cool. That's sick yeah my kids want my kids are obsessed with the movie tar starring kate blanchett as a problematic uh uh conductor they want all they they're particularly obsessed with her steez they love her oversized overcoat so that's all that's on their shopping list this year yeah they wanted to get the extended edition of the the banshees of insurance yeah you could only get with when you go to view it you get a collectible cup that's what they want they really wanted to stay up late and see brendan gleason on saturday night live i was, well, just watch the East Coast feed.

Not good enough. You're like, you're going to go to bed when I say, but this is getting really complicated with the East Coast Pacific time problem.

Am I your father or is Martin McDonough your father? Well, you're my father in Canada. He's my father in Bruges. Nice. That's all, folks. Anyway uh you guys have been great yeah

thank you what's going on with you graham um i i've never had that before by the way that i've hit a joke so well that i've been able to leave the stage but i'm still looking forward to it and when you headline you can't yeah that's true because then you can't go off like 25 minutes in you only did 17 minutes of the hour yeah whenever you get a big laugh in the middle of your cell you're like fuck i i got a review once from a friend show and i think i did 45 minutes out of the hour that i was allotted and this guy wrote on youtube he was so mad he said like this guy left 45 minutes before the hour was was up this guy sucks or 15 minutes before the hour yeah 15 minutes before the end but i've

never heard anybody complain about short shorter show i've never but apparently over in england or the uk value is like you know money for time that you paid for an hour. You get an hour. Whereas I think audiences here are relieved that they can go leave. They don't have to overcommit, you know, unless it's like, you know, the band walks off after three songs. Oh, yeah, that's true. And then and then they come back for an encore they do three songs costume change um what's going on with you graham i uh not very much but the other night you need some time to think about what's going on with you because uh

we can certainly prep you oh yes yeah look it's funny because I was eating my mom's spaghetti and it went all over my sweatshirt so weird that you would play that really unusual and if you had to say spaghetti in Arabic just like off the top of your head

don't do it Graham this is a trick sound it out Graham no don't do it don't do it Graham this is a trick sound it out Graham no don't do it alright now you're fine don't think I won't ask you later what spaghetti is I got it

locked and loaded here go for it real quick nah macaroni really yeah it is yeah what is macaroni spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti um uh so it was a a i was looking for something to watch on netflix the streaming service netflix uh okay yeah and you know there's like so many movies and you're just looking for something that sets them apart so you're like okay i'll watch that one because it stars this person or it has this quote from somewhere like a newspaper or whatever. And so I watched a movie written and directed by Canadian treasure, Adam McGowan, who, you know, big, big kind of early start.

Good, good start to the career. He did the sweet hereafter, Exotica. Yeah. Oh, was that him? I don't know uh but i don't know he uh he directed this film it was called the captives i want to say it's called uh yeah captives and it started i i i screwed up what he didn't do the red violet ah shit i only got one shot if you had He didn't do the red violet. Ah, shit. Damn it. I only got one shot, if you had.

One shot. So, yeah, I looked at this movie starring Ryan Reynolds from a few years ago. The Captives? The Captives, yeah. And the big thing that set it apart, that it said, like, Palme d'Or nominee. And, like, so that's, you know, that's a big credit for a movie to be considered for the Palme d'Or. You're talking Cannes Film Festival. I'm talking about the Cannes Film Festival.

And this movie starts really good. It starts really, it's interesting. It's about Ryan rounds is a dead his daughter gets kidnapped and he doesn't know obviously he doesn't know where she is and i thought it was gonna be like this real brooding uh movie about this couple and how they're surviving through such a hard thing and then it kind of turns into almost like a batman-esque hilarious uh guy who's got all sorts of tricks that he's up to and he's got like a really strange mustache and and stands and his face is weird but nobody knows no ron reynolds is like he's got a beard and a trucker cap and

the kidnapper has the tricks yeah the kidnapper puts up a lot of tricks he's like installed videos in the video cameras in the place that the mother works and there's like some kind of ring that they're a part of and it's uh they're gonna kidnap rosario dawson who's a part of it no it kind of goes on and on yeah like there's at one point rosario dawson she's a key speaker at some fundraiser and she tells the crowd about when she was a kid on the streets she had to sleep in a van and then these bad guys kidnap her and put her in like a purpose-built van jail but they only just learned that when she was on stage saying so it didn't work out time wise and it was weird and i was like holy shit that's weird that it was at the palm door and i

looked it up and immediately said oh it was booed at the palm door one of the few films to receive booze for eight minutes straight a standing boobation yeah and uh yeah so that was you know their marketing was true it is true it was yeah what do you do when your movie gets booed at a big illustrious film festival i don't know i would keep like a fake mustache in my pocket just did you so what were the big there was the whale that at the venice film festival the brendan fraser movie got like an eight minute standing ovation and then the blonde the uh marilyn monroe movie got like a 14 minute standing ovation. I never believe those, those time lengths of the standing ovations. No one's clapping that long.

Can you imagine? Maybe that goes in waves like the, you know, like it goes down and then everybody, and then it slowly starts coming up again. Are people talking during this? Like what is, is it a 14 minutes of straight clapping?

Yeah. Like, Hey, I bet if we keep clapping it'll everyone will know about this yeah or maybe they'll bring yeah marilyn monroe out on stage be shy everybody come on applause if you all believe we've been clapping for a while now i'd love to check my watch but i think this might be some kind of record hands are raw probably like 14 minutes how long do you figure we've been doing it um has anyone seen blonde no no it's bad is it really yeah why did they get 14 minutes

to animation i don't know and it was so long it was during the last 14 minutes of the movie so that they couldn't hear it. Yeah. Let's make a ruckus so we don't have to hear this stupid movie. Anyways, I mean, so, you know, if you're looking for a movie, captives. Well, what do you do if you're like, you go to a film festival to like get. Distribution? I guess. Like sell your movie to someone and then a setup too like it's like don't the movies have to be good to even be there like yes like yeah but like and then getting booed somebody's fucked up somebody fuck netflix is like okay well uh we

we'll buy your movie i like your Yeah, but you do want to be in any kind of festival setting. You either want to be the very best or the very, very worst. Because those are the two that people talk about. You don't want to be like in the middle of the pack where it's pretty good. You know, the acting was so-so. You really do want to be. Yeah, you want to be the worst

because then you might get like a high draft pick for your next movie. Yeah. I'm going to blow it draft pick for your next movie. Yeah. I'm going to blow it for the rest of this movie. Yeah, we're tanking it so we can get, you know. Leo for the next one. Yeah, exactly. This is going to be our franchise player.

Well, do you guys want to move on to some overheards? Sure. Yeah. You probably already have a favorite animal. Maybe it's a powerful apex predator like the tiger or a cute and cuddly panda. And those are great. But have you considered something a little more unconventional? Could I perhaps interest you in the Greenland shark, which can live for nearly 400 years?

Or maybe the jewel wasp who performs brain surgery on cockroaches to control their minds. On Just the Zoo of Us, we review animals by giving them ratings out of 10 in the categories of effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics. Listen with friends and family of all ages to find your new favorite animal with Just the

Zoo of Us on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Hello, I'm a stuffy dowager countess. Travis? I'm judging everybody's manners. Oh, no. Schmaners isn't judgy. It's about teaching you to be your best self and be a little more confident when you enter social situations that you don't understand.

And maybe also teach you a little bit about history you didn't know or give you interesting things to talk about at parties. Yeah, like the secret life of Emily Post. Or like why wristwatches are the way that they are. We can talk about table manners from the Victorian era. Sure. Or what it's like to attend a Regency ball. Yeah. You can find all that and more if you listen to Schmanners on Maximum Fun or wherever your podcasts come from, I guess.

Schmanners, Schmanners. Get it? Overheard. Overheard is a segment out here that we welcome you into. We want you to be part of the fold. If you overhear something very funny, we want to hear it here. It's a segment out here that we welcome you into. We want you to be part of the fold. If you overhear something very funny, we want to hear it here. And we always like to start with the guest.

Malik, if you will. So I went to the Friday prayer today, like I told you. And usually at the Friday prayers, they have like a little funeral aspect. Like when people die there's like a separate prayer that you do after so this is what reminded me of it is um i was at a funeral one time and my dad has this kind of boneheaded friend um who doesn't he doesn't really speak english that well and he's he's he's just very stupid but he was they were talking about another guy that died at this funeral right and he said to him you know ever since that guy died i never see him anymore yeah i feel like he's avoiding me is that possible i get you're dead but like a call would be nice yeah exactly at least right as you're dead you get you can be rude all of a sudden i never see that guy anymore yeah since

you died i miss him um that's great and you said you have more than one do you want to do another one now or should we go around the horn and come back to you uh i could do it i could do it now um okay i i um i passed by somebody on the phone one time and they said no they're called tech decks so like what was the other person calling them i'm googling mini skateboard i can't find anything what are those fingerboard what are those thingy boards yeah what are those things called technical technicals no they're called tech sacks yeah that i would use them to practice my technique yeah don't you're embarrassing me in front of my friends. Mom. Dick, Dick.

Um, Dave, do you have a, yeah, sure. Let's say I do. Um, mine is an overseen,

uh, and this is from the computer. Um, it was, it was weird Thanksgiving yesterday. Yeah. It was upside down Thanksgiving. Uh, and this is just someone on twitter um was posting about how they uh i mean like i should check my privilege for as a guy who loved milk for my my weird uh diet issues i milk. Milk gives me no problems.

But someone posted a picture of their plate at Thanksgiving. They were at Thanksgiving dinner and they just took a picture of their plate with nothing on it saying, I just don't like any of the stuff being served. And people were like, what? What's the issue and then uh the answer was uh was it was the question was like is there like a particular this is particular spread not very good was do you have objection objections to thanksgiving and the person said oh i don't eat savory food in general just a sweet tooth just have candy all day yeah't you throw a yam in the oven there? Get us a little... Do you have bananas in the house?

Yeah, can you caramelize something for me? Yeah, I also have no teeth from only eating sweet things. I don't have the taste or the teeth for it. Dude, Thanksgiving is the best for toothless food. It's like you just make a big mush of stuffing and gravy and mashed potatoes. A tater slop. Yeah. Tater slop. Oh, I love it.

You know what? I'm giving taters to my haters this year. Oh, that's great. That's a food drive. Taters to your haters. Yeah, taters for haters. Anyone who said anything mean about me on the internet, I'm whipping a potato at you please send in your address so that i could drive by a throw potato at your house

dave got a potato whipped at him at cons film festival they broke the screen there's a potato shaped hole in the screen. Guys, this year we're going to switch things up. Not tomatoes this year. Everybody gets a russet. Listen, potato is not tomato in this case. Very different. I mean, the people at the film festival, they were very close to calling the whole thing off. Yes, I recall.

All right, everybody. Oh no, Dan just walked out of the room again. 17 minutes, but a movie should do that. A no, Dan just walked out of the room again. 17 minutes, but... A movie should do that. A movie should be like, this movie's really good. The projectness just decides when that's the best part of the movie. Don't worry, it cuts it. Don't worry, everybody, the rest of it's filler.

I've seen it. Start clapping, it's done. Yeah. This is your two-minute clap warning, so please put some vaseline on your palms because it's gonna be a big one children of man he just did the cool uh one shot where he just like walks through and then movie over movie over biggest applause ever recorded uh on earth um my overheard yeah man is a couple on on the corner crossing the street at the same time as me and it's one of those things where a guy like tried like a cool new thing and then back

down immediately so he was uh he was saying so uh what are we gonna do about going to the big t Toronto he really tried to make Big T an immediate cool thing to say how many seconds of silence were honestly there in between Big T and Toronto like how long did he let it sit I think like 2 seconds like 14 minutes probably

awkward pause but the fact that she didn't glom onto it and say like oh the plan is this like that she didn't connect it in her head really does speak poorly of the guy who said it because it really is quite easy to get but it just it stinks you know he's always doing shit like this he's always trying to nickname stuff that doesn't need it yeah this fucking guy uh anyways they walked really slow in the crosswalk so that's the end of that story um have you ever been behind somebody that's like really just taking their time in the crosswalk really getting the best of that 20 seconds they got i do that yeah i do that i do that i like to i like to land on zero oh really time it out oh wow okay that's a very

it's a different world like than it was when i was a kid and they didn't have the timer counting down how long you had to cross yeah half the places didn't even have a button for you to press yeah and also like the buttons were silent when i was a kid. You just hit it, and there's no beep boop. There's no anything like that. No, we live in a good future. Yeah, we do. The beep boop is good. Yeah, beep boop's good.

Some will have a voice that comes on and say, it's crossing. And I like that. Oh, yeah. That's cool. There's another one that comes on that says, wait. Yeah. Wait. Wait. Wait. I like to press that one a couple of times a couple extra times and you really defy what he's telling me to do

hey serious chill dude wait i'm seriously wait if you press it three times he says seriously i'm not fucking kidding wait If you press it three times, he says seriously. I'm not fucking kidding. Wait. I'm not fucking with you. Come on. Stop touching. Don't touch me.

Get your fucking hands off. Leave me alone. I'm not a piece of meat. Now, we also have overheard sent in to us from people all over the world. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at MaximumFun.org. This first one comes from Matt in Christchurch, New Zealand. This is a game show airing in New Zealand, a UK-based game show. I don't understand the question being asked by the host, by the way. But the contestant said,

the host said, what was the Canadian Gold Rush named after a Yukon river? And the contestant said, Chaka Khan. That's a great answer. I don't really understand what the question is looking for. The name of the river, I guess?

What was the name of the gold rush? The gold rush. Yeah, exactly. The Yukon gold rush. Oh, is it the Klondike? Oh, it's probably the river. Yeah. Oh, man.

You would have won so much money. Oh, man. You know what? I'm actually reading here. It is Chaka Khan. I can't believe it. Oh, really? Yeah.

The contestant was right. It's Matt in Christchurch who's wrong. What would you do for a Klondike bar? Unspeakable things. Disgusting things. Yeah. I don't want to bring them all up, but, you know, use your imagination. Twist sick shit.

Crazy shit. Yeah, crazy shit. And you know what? You don't even have to give me the Klondike bar. I just need a bite. That's all. I'll do all the shit for a bite. Yeah, I have done shit me the Klondike bar. I just need a bite. That's all. I'll do all the shit here. I'll buy and ship for a Klondike bar and I'll do it again.

You turned yourself into the cops. I'm worried that somebody else is going to offer me a Klondike bar. I was getting ahead of it. In case. This next one comes from Jenny in London. I'm having breakfast this next one comes from

Jenny in London I'm having breakfast at the Gatwick airport at the table oh this ties in very nice the table next to me is a very softly spoken New Zealander we just ended his interaction with the server with a very earnest thank you for your service

which is a stolen um is a thing that is fine to say if you hear it like that but it is it's kind of been taken away from the server yeah yeah i mean let's all take a crack at it in the accent huh okay yeah thank you for your service. Thank you. Thank you for your service. It's like Truman Capote. Yeah. Thank you for your service. That's pretty good.

Okay, Malik, you're up. Here it comes. All right. Dave already nailed it, so I'm going to go crikey. Thank you for your service. That's pretty good. Of the morning to you yeah you know what i think you blending those accents together really did create something special and you should be committed thank you for your service i had to go i had to get nuts

yeah i had to get sick for that one We really should like thank them for their service. Yeah. Like why is there a holiday for people who served in wars and not people who served in restaurants? Yeah, exactly. Um, why? I don't know. Cause of the government. Probably cause of the, you know, the military industrial complex.

Yeah, that's true. Definitely. Yeah. Really edged out uh the ihop just a guy in ihop employee getting yelled at in the mall and be like you never served you never served take that off stolen valor stolen valor what restaurant did you serve at what's the number three yeah yeah it's maple syrup and caramel. I want the restaurant location number,

and I want to know who is your manager slash drill sergeant. What was the starting work chant to get everybody going in the morning? It's an international house, and it's all of a pancake, and then we're here, and we're going to do a clam bake. Everybody knows that the way we serve is a pancake land, and we go come on yeah come on everybody now thank you for your service never mind proceed uh this last one comes from julia in nanaimo bc i was sitting in the waiting room my local health unit after flu shot a little boy was screaming and crying in the other room he came out slowly, dramatically walked

into the room, hiccuping, red eyes from crying. In his hands were two packs of Halloween candies. He sat on the couch and slid all the way down so that his head and upper back were the only part on the seat, and sighed, Jolly Ranchers.

It's like a good after you know fit can't be well or well-earned well-earned i had a all-time great tantrum and uh it's tough because you have to like keep your arm relaxed when you're getting a shot oh yeah yeah and also that thing sliding down to to just your back and head being on a chair that is classic kid that is i'm gonna do it later yeah i'm gonna do it later too it's gonna be fun i mean i have a futon and it's pretty hard not to do that yeah yeah um but it's uh it's fun it's the right. You're not really grown up until you do that at least once. In addition to overhers that are written in, we also accept your phone

calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Oh, a little suspense there. That was nice. While I was doing that i still have

a list of adam mcgoyan movies and yeah he made a movie clapping no he made a movie called felicia's journey yeah and in my as i'm rattling off the phone number it occurred to me i wonder if anyone in the movie says bye felicia when the movie's over yeah she's on her journey yeah or like when she leaves for it yeah it's a post-training scene you gotta wait around for it but it's worth it all right phone call here we go hi dave graham impossible guests this is matt from houston calling in with an overheard i was at a wal today, and it's the day before Thanksgiving here in the U.S., and I caught the tail end of a conversation, and the first

guy said, hey, have a happy Thanksgiving. Then the second guy yelled, hey, go fuck yourself. So I hope you guys enjoy that. That didn't happen, right? I mean, if it didn't happen, I want it to have happened, but... That rocks. Yeah. I could see it. I could if it didn't happen I wanted to have happened but that rocks

I could see it I could see it after if you know one person was giving a lecture or something like that oh yeah we also don't know the tone that this guy said happy thanksgiving in right yeah happy thanksgiving happy thanksgiving

oh man you hey man come on have some respect for the turkey yeah exactly this was the one that got pardoned but then did another crime as soon as it was released so we're eating that turkey now yeah turkey recidivism all right next phone call hi dave graham impossible guest this is michael and saint Hi, Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. This is Michael in St. Louis calling with an overheard. I just went to my local library, and a toddler was getting out of the car, and his dad was helping him. And I just, as I said, go, kick the rock!

And his dad goes, that's not a rock. That's gross. It has a fly on it. But also, about an hour ago, i stepped out of my car and a squirrel tree above me pissed on my face and that's not an overheard but you know enjoy those are two completely yeah i i don't care about the first yeah the kids saw a piece of shit on the floor i guess i'm trying to get his dad to kick it? Sure. That is crazy.

I don't know if I've ever seen a squirrel pee. No. Me neither. Let alone on someone's face, yeah. Yeah. Is that good luck? It's gotta be. Any kind of, yeah, excrement that you end up with from an animal.

Horse is especially good. Oh, yeah. Big round guys um uh victoria close to vancouver if you've never heard of it they've got horses that walk around there's horse shit on their streets over there and like not in a rural area just in the really fancy part of town anyways there's really yeah like uh we have i uh, here in Stanley Park, you'd see that. Oh yeah. Maybe.

Yeah. We little horse drawn carriage. And in Southlands, uh, the fancy, uh, like place down by the river, there's, it's, there's like signs up saying this is a horse street. Horse street. Yeah. Get off of our horse street. Well, just, uh, you know, make way for horses.

If you see a horse, it belongs here Right Yeah, there's horse signs for them to check their speed Yeah, the horse, yeah I mean, you know Calgary's got horses Calgary, in the summer months, the horses are out to play Yeah, exactly, they rule the city And we just, we sit back a little

A good number of the streets in calgary are just called trails that is correct yeah oh yeah oh shit yeah it is a cowboy town yeah it took me a while when i left town i didn't think i thought all uh streets had trails i've never thought about it until this moment yeah it's weird that's crazy yeah yeah that explains all the horses on the highway the horse lane on the highway and there's a separate horse lane if you you have to have like four people on one horse to be in the high occupancy hh ov lane yeah horse pooling lane yeah here's your final phone call hi Hi, Dave and Graham and probable guests. This is Elizabeth in Portland, Oregon. I'm calling with an overheard slash scene.

Also, I'm walking. Sorry if it sounds weird. I was walking my dog past a preschool in our neighborhood and there's like a play yard in the front. And as I was approaching, I heard this like chorus of small kids' voices. And when I got closer, I realized there were like four little girls leaning over the fence, like standing on a bench or something. So just like four little shoulders and heads in a row. And they were singing in unison, Shoulders and heads in a row, and they were singing in unison,

Di-a-ria, Di-a-ria. It's just a beautiful fall scene in Portland. Okay, hope you're having a great show. Love you guys. Bye. I would say we're having a good show. Yeah, we're having a good show. Keep it weird, Portland. Have your kids sing about diarrhea. That's so scary.

Like, if that was in a horror movie, it would work. Oh, yeah, if there was just kids. And they're jumping rope slowly in slow motion, and they're singing diarrhea. And then an elevator opens. Diarrhea flows out of it. It's funny. The last end of the show ended up a little

scatological, but it's just one of those days. Get ready to stand up for the applause. Everything is shit. Well, that brings us to the end of the show. Malik, where can people find out where you're performing and the kind of stuff that you do online?

On Instagram, I have an instagram account and then i also have a link tree in the instagram account i'll post shows in there sometimes okay and i have um i have a set on uh i believe it's cbc uh new wave i'm doing that's going to come out hopefully soon shot right here in vancouver yeah it was uh i'm excited to see how it turns out uh and then i have a twitter account as well which for limited time only we'll see how long that lasts oh i know i gotta get over on that hive or mastodon or one of those yeah get in there yeah if you want to see uh the end of twitter through my eyes uh m-a-l-i-K-E-L-A-S-S-A-L.

Perfect. Al-A-S-L. Like you say, for limited time only, so get out there with your tweet in hands, and thank you again for being our guest. I think you guys are... Reports of Twitter's death are greatly exaggerated. If I can quote, I don't know, who is that, Oscar Wilde?

I think it's better than ever. It's here for good. Yeah, that's right. It's here to stay. We love it. Elon, we love you. Keep doing your thing and come on back next week. Keep putting a...

Sorry to cut you off keep putting a whatever you call it a whoopee cushion sound in your in your tesla yeah keep bringing a sink in every day and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported