Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 770 - Maddy Kelly

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

Comedian Maddy Kelly returns to talk moving to LA, two parties in one day, and more dead Queen pranks.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka, and he's Graham Clark, and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, and welcome to episode number 770 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me is a man who's, oh he's too excited to sleep. Christmas is right, it's here and he's up all night and we keep trying to get him into bed and he won't. He's just too excited, Mr. Dave Shumka. Santa can't come unless I'm in bed. That's how Santa gets up, I guess is how I worded that.

Yeah, it's the holiday season, so whoop-de-doo. Hickory-duck. And don't forget... To hang up your sock. He'll be coming down the Christmas tree hole. Yeah, down the Christmas tree hole. Yeah, every year, this time time of year we put some jingle bells on our uh on our freaking theme song we uh we uh yeah we exchange gifts we talk about

the boy the light of the season the light that we hope never goes out and we also we get a at the studio we get one of those paintings done on the glass of like a snowman yeah oh we should if we ever have a storefront for this podcast we should have and they've been going up earlier and earlier and why not you want to get as many weeks of use out of that thing as possible yeah and if it's just a snow person it could be that could be all the way up to summer and then in summer it'd be kind of ironic so you could leave it up all year i was noticing that in the depictions of the reindeer rudolph is the one that gets drawn the most and then miscellaneous how many reindeer are there nine

you know i went too fast. Let's say, no, eight. Eight Tiny Rain. He's the ninth. He is the ninth. So he's one of nine. Yeah.

And yet he's depicted more than 11% of the time. I know. And Blitzen puts out and doesn't get any extras out of it. Oh, Blitzen. Oh, Blitzen. So much to learn. Our guest today, formerly our regular Halloween guest, now proponent to the top holiday of them all, Christmas. She's made it all the way to the top, folks.

She has a podcast out called Let's Make a Sci-Fi. She's a favorite here on the podcast. It's Maddie Kelly, everybody. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being you. What an honor. Every time. Don't be me.

Welcome. Thank you for coming back on the podcast. I like your turtleneck that you're wearing. You look ready to go for winter fun. Maddie, before, well, you know what? Let's get to know us. Yes, yes. Oh, yes.

Get to know us. Maddie, can I call you Maddie? It's been a year and a bit, probably. You were our usual Halloween guest because of, did it just work out that way? Or because we're witchy? You're a witchy woman. Yeah. What is your, Graham doesn't really believe Christmas is the top holiday.

I can assure you. Yeah. No, it's for me. It's Arbor Day. All the way, Arbor Day. But what is, what's top for you? Top? What's my top?

Top holiday. Yeah, top holiday. My birthday. Oh, yeah. I forget that that's a national. Is that a bank holiday? Yeah. Yeah.

I guess that's allowed. People always get married on my birthday, though. Yeah? Because it's Valentine's Day? Yeah. It's June 5th, which is right in the thick of it for wedding season. Not too hot. The right flowers.

Yeah. Everyone gets married in June. Yeah. Are these weddings you're invited to or they're just people getting married and you're pissed because it's your birthday day? I'll get invited and I'll have to do sort of like a, really you just shouldn't let anyone know, I think. Yeah. You know? That you're getting married.

You have to be so gracious oh oh it's well i'm just happy i get to celebrate with all of you no i actually don't i have i'm like this terrible character at the wedding now and that's my small talk to everyone oh happy birthday oh day i damn god i get to celebrate with all of you but you set that up they don't they don't all have it in their calendar to come over and talk to you about it this is no people literally especially if people feel bad for you if they get married on your wedding on get married on your wedding um the people would be pissed if you got married on their wedding like we didn't know what you would get married my whole life

is it is it bad to propose at a wedding yeah it's the worst yeah yeah have you seen it happen no no i've only been to like three weddings um because i usually people always get married in june 5th and i'm always studying for finals wasn't there was an episode of girls where it was a surprise wedding they had like all their friends show up for a party and then they had a wedding, which I'd feel betrayed because I wouldn't have brought anything. I'd feel betrayed because I wouldn't have shown up. I think you can't do surprise wedding at just a regular party, but you can do a surprise wedding at an engagement party because then we all

know we're attending a wedding event and you've just upped the ante and it's fun. That is fun. Yeah. Will that become a thing where people are like, sort of like suspicious of every engagement party is like, I wonder if they're going to Brittany and Kevin this. In my experience of pop culture,

if you're invited to a party on a roof, there might be a wedding. And there might be a murder. Which is a good, yeah. Could go either way. Maddie, have you been in a wedding party ever, or are you just an all-time favorite guest?

Well, I have not yet had the honor of any of my friends getting married. Still no. Still no, yeah. No one's even engaged i think here's my theory i think it's gonna be like when one goes it's gonna go nuts uh-huh like it's just gonna be dominoes yeah i'm i'm yeah like i assumed after i got married that there's i would be like okay summer's in the in our 30s it'll be be like wedding, wedding, wedding, wedding. Nope.

A lot of people are just like, yeah, I'm having a kid. I guess we're never getting married. But so I've never done like a bridesmaid or a maid of honor. But as you can imagine, you guys know me well, very, very popular flower girl choice in my childhood. Ah, yes. Huge flower girl energy. And now MC. in my childhood. Ah, yes. Yeah. Huge flower girl energy. You and the-

And now MC. And actually, the first time I ever performed into a mic was I was the MC at my dad's wedding when I was 10. Did you do some new material

or did you just keep it tried and true? I tried to keep it classic. Like people want- You play the hits, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. You're not going up there

with a notebook. So what else is happening? My dad's getting married and that's weird. That weird i don't even like this bitch how many weddings have you been to maddie i don't know i've like over 15 okay but like just for someone who who none of her friends have gotten married that's a high number i think i think it's a high number, I think. I think it's a high number. I think that our, my parents' friend group was a big fan of the second wedding. Okay.

We had a lot of those in our life. Like a second wedding, like, like renewing your vows or a second wedding to a different person? Different person.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And also just late bloomers, late bloomers in my parents' sort of fun friend group so a lot of their friends got married in their 40s and i was i was like five or to ten and did you you were the flower girl and then was there also a dog that had rings that they brought up to the i've never seen the dog with rings and i actually i've never seen a little boy ring bear oh i just saw i just one

week ago i was at a wedding really Really? Yeah, a little girl. My, I guess, what are they? My cousin's kids. So they would be first cousins once removed. Sure. Little boy, ring bear, little girl, flower girl. There you go. That's good.

Yeah. Split up that. And the dog was the officiant. The dog was the officiant? Yeah. The doctor was the groom. The doctor dog was the officiant? Yeah. The doctor was the groom. The doctor was a woman. Yeah.

Yeah. They looked at the wedding rule book and they're like, nothing here says that a dog can't marry two people. This is the future you liberals want. 15 weddings, that's a lot. I don't think I've been to 15 weddings total. So you've got You're gonna be an all time champ

By the time You're dead Do you love weddings? I love weddings Yes I Did I not Have I never told you this

On the pod That I used to Plan weddings in high school Maybe What The hell Tell me everything about this High school wedding planner

For real People Or just like Just like Weddings that like uh just like weddings that never happened no like weddings that happened like this happened i believe three times which i think is enough as enough of a number okay i was i would charge these people because i worked at a flower shop so i knew how to do the flowers so if you are there to do the flowers day of you if you have a your wits about you will end up sort of coordinating the wedding that's just kind of what happens because you're

you're kind of like a person who's there and we would always have like again these people would have these second weddings they would have them at like a house not like a venue so there would be no one who's like in charge and then i I started doing it. And then I would be like, all day I've coordinated your wedding. And I'd charge $250. Shit. That's pretty low. Yeah. Pretty good.

Yeah. But I mean, you know, what am I expecting? I'm hiring a teenager to do my wedding. Yeah, you get what you pay for. The craziest thing was that

the last wedding I ever planned, biggest wedding I ever planned, I said, just one more and I'm out. You know? The groom, I ever planned, biggest wedding I ever planned, I said, just one more and I'm out. The groom, I remember, did not respect my authority in this moment. Oh shit.

And I was not trying to dunk on him. I was just like, How old were you? I was 16. I was like, certain things need to be done today or you're not getting married, sir. Everyone has to set up these chairs. And I remember turning around and he was going to his friend he was going

those people never get to make that noise during a marriage that's great oh this is another part i walk i walk out and right on the altar dead bird well that's usually a good sign that's some kind of harbinger a good harbinger they were married for five weeks five weeks how did you know that as did you like were they a friend of a friend or how did you do you keep up with all of your clients um yes i i request a six month update in one year send out a mailer i'm very proud of all my clients If I'm a 16 year old who Is working at a wedding Five weeks from then These people are a distant memory

Really? You think you're on to the next one, huh? Yeah, I try not to, you know what? I try not to rest on my laurels Sure Five weeks? How can a marriage go so sour In five weeks? That's just over a month's time well

she was all like me me me me me and he was always catching dead catching birds and delivering them he was a cat he was a cat he was a cat yeah and the fish it was a dog you can understand how that didn't work out yeah a lot of fighting um now maddie you are you're all grown up now you're not planning any more weddings oh you you're open to attending some what have you been doing you're you're you've relocated we no longer call uh maddie is our own here in vancouver you are now stateside i know i live in Los Angeles. Do you love it? Guess what? Yeah.

Yeah, sure. And here's why. Because everyone told me I was going to hate it so much. Everyone said, good luck hating your life for the rest of time. So I was horribly sad to go. Oh, I was tragically sad. But you had to. You just had to.

I literally did have to. Your green card was going to expire. Yeah. Is that true? going to expire. Yeah. I got pulled into. Is that true? Is that why? Yeah. I got pulled into secondary, and the guy told me, if you don't move right now, you are going

to have to go in front of an immigration judge. And I was like. Oh, shit. Okay. How long ago did you, I don't, how long ago did you move to Los Angeles? I mean, I left, I left the city and learned I was not to return as a occupant of Canada on August 29th. August 29th. And how many times have you been back to Canada?

Um, quite a few. Yeah, this is the thing about everyone. And it is worth noting I'm in Vancouver a few. Yeah. This is the thing about everyone. I'm in Vancouver right now. Yeah. This is the thing about so many people I know who moved to Los Angeles is, uh, well, I see you next week.

Yeah. You may be seeing me more. Do you drive? Do you drive when you're down there? Are you Evo or not Evo? Uber. Uber. Uber. I don't know how to drive.

Well, I know how to drive, don't I? Yes, I do. I'm affirming myself. How did you deliver those flowers? Did you take them on your bike? Yeah, how did you deliver those flowers? If it was a lawless town where the only way to get around was everyone just operated the car, I could do it. But under the current

laws and regulations, I haven't had a lot of success in driving. Yeah. Have you tried? Have you tried to get a license? I failed my test, I believe,

three times now. Same here. Yes, three times. Three times, yeah. I actually have one booked for next week. My wife, Abby, grew up in Switzerland

and I believe the law there is if you fail your driver's test three times, you have to go for a psychiatric evaluation. Oh, no.

Yeah. I don't know what they would find in that evaluation. They'd be like, well, this is nothing that would make it

so you can't drive, but there's still a lot in here. There's something. There's something, for's something for sure. So then, yeah, I have my test booked next week. So everybody,

fingers crossed. And that's going to be in Vancouver? Yes. Okay. That'll be after this episode comes out or before this episode comes out. We're pre-taping a little bit for the holiday season,

but just like, I just want people to know they can't hear this and then go down to the dmv and watch cheer me on yeah um but the here's the thing here's the thing another thing about everyone goes oh i hope you don't ever think you'll go on a bus because you gotta drive if you would ever go on a bus you'd be shot on sight you'd be you would be shot on sight. You would be killed. Mercenary style. It would be horrible.

Guess what, guys? I went on the bus. And? Completely normal bus. Okay, so you're still all intact. You didn't take a bullet in the shoulder or anything like that. I went on the bus the next week as well. And how was it?

What was the scene going on in that bus? Was it fine? Oh, it was all the coolest guys I'd ever seen. Shit. It was like a party. What made them so cool when you saw them? What was it that made you know they were cool? Gloves.

They're all wearing gloves? Fingerless gloves or just regular gloves? Just regular, nice pair of driving gloves, ironically. Yeah. These are all people who've had their license suspended, but still can't motorize without. Tell me this. Okay.

Biggest tourist activity in Los Angeles. You get on a big bus and you go around. What's so different about that? Is that what you're doing? Is that the bus that you got on? That I'm going on. It goes the exact same route. I watch them on Sunset.

I literally take the bus on Sunset down to Sunset. I see all the sights. Sure. And yeah, they take you up and show you where William Shatner used to live. Yeah, where his wife drowned. Yeah, why didn't I pick that example? It would be funny if the movie Speed was set on one of those buses. Oh, yes.

Tourist bus? Yeah. This is what I pitched to Malik. I said, okay, rush hour sequel it's called surge pricing surge prices something like uh i believe there was a movie called stuber that was steps on your oh damn anyway he said you know rush hour isn't about traffic right and i was like okay no do you really not know that i don't know know. I saw it as a kid, and I don't remember anything about it. Jackie Chan plays Jeffrey Rush.

It's a biopic. He's in love with his teacher. He wears sort of like little funny hats and things. Rushmore. Did you guys get that? Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. Safe to say I didn't get it.

I didn't get it until she said it. But now I get it. He wears a little hat. I can't really get it but i didn't get it till she said it but now i get it he wears a little hat i get it um yeah what uh the movie traffic also isn't about traffic oh yeah that's true get this movie crash the racism or it was about car sex yeah there's two crashes have you seen that crash again yeah oh really i haven't i'm too scared out of the out of the mind unfortunately i'm sorry didn't stick for me really not even the people having sex with one another scars or wounds yeah that's what i believe i heard nope you gotta check it out it's a good one during this holiday season yeah around the tv and everybody it's when we watch every

christmas uh it's uh yeah it's great it's an all-time classic um so you like la fine you've been on the bus what other like la things have you been to the hollywood forever cemetery no well yeah what cemeteries have you been to so far none oh are you sure you're in la yeah yeah i know that's shocking to hear but i haven't attended a single one do you as a witchy person do you go to cemeteries have you are you a big cemetery person no i hold my breath when i drive by a cemetery do you guys do that no i do tunnels because i don't want to end up in the cemetery by not breathing and driving don't hold your breath during your driver's test they will automatically flunk you if you're like imagine if that was part of the test they take you through

a tunnel and they're like she held her breath yeah it's hard to tell though she didn't cover her mouth she didn't plug her nose so she could have been breathing on the DL. Oh, yeah. No, but these teachers, they know. They've been around enough of these cars. They put a little mirror under your nose. Did you see the video of the woman in doing, like, I think it was just a driving lesson? Oh, yeah. And the driving teacher's like, okay, now just pull into traffic.

And she's so flustered. the driving teacher's like okay now just pull into traffic and she's so flustered she she puts the e-brake turns the e-brake off like puts the car in gear maybe the e-brake was the wrong way gotta put it back the other way okay now we gotta put it out of gear okay and then literally for one minute and he says the car is off. But it is that kind of thing. Well, and also, it's like the teacher who knows that the person giving you the test isn't going to help you out. They have to say, like, they have to, like, not interfere. Right. Do they have, because here in BC, I've been told that you have to bring your own car for the test.

Yeah. Because in Calgary, you just had the car that had the extra set of brakes on their side in case you went. Yeah. So it was hard to get down to the office without a vehicle, but I was fine too because I didn't have my license. If I got there in a car, they'd be like, wait a minute, something's gone off here. But yeah, three times and I nailed it. So right after my psychiatric evaluation. Once they got the right cocktail meds, I was out the door.

Once they were like, okay, bite on this wooden stick. And we'll just course a little bit of electricity through. If you get your license, are you going to buy a car in Los Angeles? Or is this just going to be like, you have the license, now you've got ID everywhere you go? I'm going to buy a car. Okay, what are we thinking? What kind of, what's your dream car? I'd love it to be silver.

Silver, okay. Silver what? I would love it to be sort of the kind of car that you go, hey, we're making memories in here. Oh, this is the car. Remember Kevin did DMT? He was rolling around the back, you know? So you want a car from maybe 1977, something like that.

I want everyone to go, that car didn't make any fucking sense, but it went. It just went no matter what. You want what every young woman wants. Volkswagen Cabriolet. Yeah. What is that? It's the car from Can't Buy Me Love. It's like a little short little Volkswagen with a rag top.

Oh, that sounds great. Get one of those Maddie. I feel like I have different dream cars for different eras. Like right now, look crazy, crazy Mercedes or Volvo kind of. Okay. A very heavy car.

Okay. We're making memories. Just leather interior. Okay. But when I'm a mom, I want the black Porsche SUV. Oh my God. And Gray's an enemy.

Okay. Well, I never want a Porsche ever or any other luxury car. the black Porsche SUV appeared last in Grey's Anatomy. Okay, well. I never want a Porsche ever or any other luxury car ever. Except for that Mercedes you just mentioned. Yeah.

That one's like I mean like I'm talking I don't need a I'll never need a sports car ever. No, no one does. Yeah.

But when I'm a mom. Do you think every car that's not an SUV is a sports car? Yeah. What else are they? Coop. What does the word coop mean?

Oh boy. What is a coop? Is that a two door? Or yeah, like just two seats in the front, no seats in the back. Is that a coop? That sounds like a coop.

I could, I could get into that being a coop. Would you have, would you have a sunroof or, you know, moonroof? Yeah. stick your ass on that i have really big hair so convertible has never really been the the uh the wild joy ride it has been for everyone but you get to tie a scarf around your head and that's a luke that is fun that is fun big sunglasses um have you made a bunch of new friends down in Los Angeles?

On the bus or otherwise? I have been making friends. I think people are nice there, turns out. Yeah, because they're people from all over the place, you know? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And like a veteran of LA, like a crazy, like, whoa, you've been here forever, you know everything. He's been there for like two years.

But what's to know? What's to know that you can't learn in two years? You know what I mean? Take a bus a lot, go to every museum, you know, study correspondence, and ta-da. Watch a lot of like, watch like The Black Dahlia. Oh, yeah, yeah, classic LA. What was that again?

I think Ben Affleck was in it. Or is that Hollywood Land? I don't know. These are all great movies you should have on your viewing list, Maddie, now that you live in LA. I've got to brush up. I live in LA. Do you know that song? No.

Oh, shit. I know. I'm learning a lot right now. No. Oh, shit. I know. I'm learning a lot right now. My new theory about LA is everything that is a complaint about LA is worse than Vancouver.

Okay. So, whatever. Rent? Rent. Oh, I see. Yeah. Worse than Vancouver. Plastic surgery? Worse than Vancouver.

Okay. Crystal health people? Worse than Vancouver. Sure. People wanting to go on hikes with you? Worse than Vancouver. Yeah. This does all in Vancouver. Sure. People wanting to go on hikes with you, worse in Vancouver. Yeah. This does all add up.

Yeah. So I'm upgrading in terms of annoying things. Do you like, but you don't like any of those things. You don't like weird crystal health people are going on hikes or plastic surgery? You don't like paying rent? I've not. Also, this, oh, LA, when you move to LA, you're going to have to go on so many hikes. This is my only social scene.

Guess what? No one's invited me on a hike. I feel like I'm not being invited to the coolest club in town. I've not been invited on one hike. You got to show up and stand behind the velvet rope. I just hope that the bouncer lets you go hike. That's how I feel. I'm like, do you think there's people standing at the bottom who like want to connect and go on the hike together?

Like, is it like a chairlift? Yeah. Because if you go smoke, you go smoke outside, you'll meet someone. I'll give you your Instagram. They'll want to be friends. That's true. I found that to be true. Are you smoking?

Oh, I'm smoking up a storm. I'm smoking cigarettes every night. I'm not even joking. Only way to make friends. So wait, did you smoke before? Or have you taken up smoking at this late stage? smoking cigarettes every night. I'm not even joking. Only way to make friends. So wait, did you smoke before or have you taken up smoking at this late stage? I've taken up smoking. I'm Parisian.

This can't be true. This can't be true. Guess what? Smoking's fun and I like it. Yeah. I like it too. Nobody ever told me it was fun. Well, it's not fun. What's fun about it? It's awesome. Oh yeah, well it is awesome, but it's not fun.'s fun about it's awesome oh yeah well it is awesome but it's not fun what is all what is fun and awesome about it to feel do you make you lightheaded feels good

and it's fun to make yourself feel sick and then go pray and pray and pray oh please if i if you ever let me not feel so sick i'll never do this again and then as soon as i don't feel sick i go where's another one i need another cigarette i got that feeling i think uh yesterday i felt oddly sick after i i drank too much water uh yes you ever have like uh you have like this much water left in a cup and you're like oh well that's one gulp and then you're as your head's tilted back you're like oh this is too much and then you end up swallowing it and it gets stuck in your chest and you're like, uh-oh, this is too much. And then you end up swallowing it, and it gets stuck in your chest, and you're like, oh, I'm going to vomit. And you don't. And then you pray, pray, pray.

Here's an actual complaint about LA, if you want one. Just one more thing. Things being worse in Vancouver. Coyotes. Oh, yeah. Worse in Vancouver? Worse in Vancouver, for sure. Hmm, interesting. I mean mean what present present coyotes excluded

coyotes are really only trouble to the fellow people with outdoor cats they are the people that are worried or roadrunners sure yes not much of a threat to a roadrunner though their attempts have failed over and over and over again uh tell us the thing that you do hate about la well i don't even know if this is true or if I'm just blaming all my problems on it, but there's a thing they have, which they refer to as hard water.

Oh, yeah. I hear about this all the time. Oh, the water's so hard. It's horrible, you know? Yeah. Make sure you squeegee your shower because the hard water is going to get you.

Yeah. Don't drink the hard water. I get now on my Instagram ads, they're all... You can't even drink it? I don't going to get you. Yeah. Don't drink the hard water. Make sure, I get now on my Instagram ads, they're all. You can't even drink it? I don't want to drink it. It's hard.

Sure. I mean, it's hard about it. I don't know what, but I don't really know what the term means. That's what they used to make Mike's Hard Lemonade. That's right.

Yeah. They tried to make it on the East Coast, but it tastes the same. Didn't go. The, my Instagram ads, they're all like is hard water damaging your hair does your hair look like this and it's what my hair looks like

so what are you gonna do get a water softener or what you can do that well i don't know is it is it a device or is it a powder what is it it's a device my everybody in calgary have them because there's hard water there so you get it's like connected to your central kind of is there like i thought there was like a powder you could put in your laundry yeah that's uh because i'm also very itchy all the time is that part of it see i'm also blaming a lot of issues on my hard water the moment you logged in to this call you started rubbing your face and you're like it's so loud at the microphone it's so dry i'm like i'm the dry i'm so dried out so you don't you've never heard of a water softener and or lotion apparently no one in los angeles has no i'm lotion i'm shea. I'm doing all of it. This water is just too hard. And I'll wake up a little late, you know.

I'll sleep in. Oh, my God. Hard water strikes again. What are we talking about starting late? Are we talking about like a 10? No, God, no. I went back into my old ways this month. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. I was a 1 p.m. girl. 1 p.m.? I have not done for years. It was awesome. Well, it's a different time zone. You're probably jet lagged from going to Los Angeles. That's true.

Jet lag. Yeah. One, do you stay up super late at night? Not even. I was just waking up in the morning and going, could I go back to sleep? Like, not even do I want to, but would it be physically possible? It's like a feat.

Do you eat breakfast? No. You just wake up and go straight to lunch? Well, I find my wife is like, her name's Abby. Hi. Shout out. Happy birthday. Merry Christmas.

Happy birthday. Merry Christmas. Um, she has, uh, she's a late riser. Um, but she can't be because she has two kids who need to go places in the morning, but her body still insists that she's a late riser.

And she's just like, well, that sort of like early twenties feeling of like, uh, I'm not having breakfast today. She has that forever. Yeah. Yeah.

I have that too. I feel very sick when I wake up in the morning. I'm very not hungry. I usually have like a smoothie. Oh, God. Sorry. I think I'm okay. I'm okay, everybody.

I'm okay. Hard water. Yeah, hard water. Went down the wrong pipe. Went down the hard pipe. Went down the soft pipe. I feel so ill in the morning i only drink i'll drink my collagen my tea and my all my things i'll drink all my things how many things do you drink in the morning yeah my ideal morning if i had time and i had a mugs if you had time, maybe if you woke up around noon. Yeah.

I can get it together to wake up 1130. Um, smoothie. Okay. Um, orange juice. Okay. What's in the smoothie?

Not an orange smoothie. Is it some other flavor? Or is it an orange smoothie? Graham. Julius. Orange Julius is basically an orange smoothie. Yes. Um, okay. Orange juice. Smoothie. Orange juice an orange smoothie. Yes. Okay. Orange juice, smoothie.

Orange juice, smoothie, coffee, collagen. What is collagen? Dopamine chai. Okay. Wait, wait. Before you say dopamine chai. Yeah. Okay.

I still want to go back to collagen first. Okay. What's what's involved in that? Is it a, is it a packet you sprinkle into some water? Is it a bone that you boil? It's a white powder I wish it was a bone I boiled It's a white powder made out of hydrolyzed fish scales

Okay And you plug your nose when you drink it? Nope I crave it, I love it Do you really? Yeah, I don't know Well, I think my body really wants me to have it okay you know you like something that's bad but it's like yeah we were talking about cigarettes

a minute ago so i sort of have the same relation to a cup of collagen as you might to a cigarette sure um except that you want your body craves them both and you think you think about them all the time i think um what so then the next was a dopamine chai? Dopamine chai is chai powder, reishi mushroom, an illegal bean called Makuna Bruins. Illegal or illegal? Illegal. Illegal. It's a classy drug in federal Canada.

How do you get it? Okay. Oh, you get it in America. They have it in America, and sometimes the right beauty supply store will have it in Canada. Hmm. Okay. Well, everybody knows what to get you for New Year's Eve because this is already our Christmas episode. Yeah.

So dopamine chai and that's, you put that in hot water. You put all that weird crap in hot water. Okay. Okay. And then is that, if you, in your perfect world, any more liquids in the morning? A in hot water. You put all that weird crap in hot water. Okay. And then is that, if you, in your perfect world, any more liquids in the morning?

A liter of water. A liter, sure. A liter of water. And so by the time you're done drinking all these things, what are we looking at? 4.30? 5? Yeah, pretty much.

10 trips to the bathroom. Graham, what's your ideal morning liquid situation? I like a lot of water. I like a lot of water. Sometimes a smoothie. situation? I like a lot of water. I like a lot of water. Sometimes a smoothie. And then I like a lot of coffee.

And those are the big three. But yeah, water's number one. Water's number one. Coffee, maybe without milk. But a lot of times just black. And then water the rest of the day. Those are the big ones. I don't have any supplements.

But I probably should be taking supplements because I don't supplement myself. You don't even take vitamins? I take a couple. I take a couple of the bigs, you know. No multivitamin for this guy. I've heard they're not anything. I think they're not anything. I agree with that.

Yeah. But they're not anything. I agree with that. Yeah. But they're fun. But do you think if you're getting individual things like calcium or whatever, that it's real or it's just. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, it depends on your issues,

but I, I take B12 and vitamin D every day. And one time I was like, what if this doesn't work? And then I stopped doing it. And then I was like, I'm having a lot of problems with my life. Yeah. It's probably the B12.

B12 will iron all that out. I just get so tired. Don't you guys get tired? Everything I take is always to make me not tired. I get tired because of the world, not because of my lack of vitamins. Yeah, I don't get tired. Because like Graham, I also drink a lot of coffee. How many cups in a day are you drinking, Dave?

Two. I have two. Both in the morning? No, morning and afternoon. Nice. Yeah. No later than 5.30. Yeah, it would be up all night.

Graham, are you energy drink for stand-up ever? No. Haven't you seen his act? He's so high energy. Yeah. No, I would never uh those things freak me out those energy drinks oh wow like you're talking about like red bull yeah no it makes my heart all wiggly doesn't feel good yeah doesn't feel like i'm more alert it feels like i'm dying wow i feel incredible i feel like I took the Limitless pill.

Oh, shit. Just watched that the other night for, I think, the third time. Never seen it. But familiar with the concept. It's so funny. Really? Yeah. If you want to watch a movie that thinks that it's so cool, you got to see Limitless. Bradley Cooper is the perfect guy for it because it's like how a Bradley Cooper type would imagine having all these

skills. But yeah, it's just, I mean, if you're looking for a movie to watch, uh, hunt it down because it is so funny and, start to finish Robert De Niro's hilariously unbelievable as a wall street

tycoon. And, uh, it's great. I, I give my full endorsement what was his girlfriend's name Genevieve Chubb or something Genevieve Chubb

who's the actress who plays his girlfriend I can't remember probably Genevieve Chubb it's not Imogen Poots what sorry maddie what's your uh what is your go-to uh movie that's so trying to be good but is actually the worst movie it's abby cornish not genevieve chubb abby cornish happy birthday abby a movie that's trying to be good like you know like a guilty pleasure well my guilty pleasure movie is made of honor with okay patrick dempsey patrick dempsey and

what's the the word play in that movie what the he's made of honor or she is made of honor who is she richard monahan michelle monahan yeah michaghan. He's a boy, so it's sort of like, can you believe that? A man organizing a baby, a bridal shower? Oh, he is everyone's maid of honor. No, he's her maid of honor. He's everyone's maid of honor. He wears 27 tuxedos.

I've also seen that movie more than once. I've seen that movie more than once, yeah. Yeah, me too. I'm trying to think. I'm not a big movie person. Well, you do love a romantic comedy. I know that because you are working on Let's Make a Rom-Com. True.

Oh, that's nice of you. Yes, that's right. How about that? Guys, guess what? Dave got guys guess what they've got an announcement i've got an announcement i'm gonna throw to maddie for this one because last year well first i'm gonna set something up last year my friends maddie kelly mark chavez and ryan beal made a podcast called let's make a sci-fi where they made they took eight episodes to make the pilot of a science fiction series, and we were the fly on the wall.

Nice. But I believe this year... Now, Maddie, do you have something to announce? I have something to announce. This year, we're doing things a little differently, boys. Yeah, take your phasers and set them to love, because we're doing... We are making a rom-com and season two will be

hosted by me in my endeavor to write a great rom-com with my two best friends I don't think they're best friends but you know they're mine you think they're your best friends but you're not sure on their side of the fence that they think you are their best friend. They'll be like hey guys what are you doing today

and the next day they'll be like, sorry, we were asleep. Then I'll see the pictures on Facebook. I'll see you there partying. They're still posting pictures on Facebook.

No, it was very fun and it is coming out this Valentine's Day. So Matt, hit us with the top three rom-coms. Your top three.

What are the best? Oh, this will be good practice for when you do press. Yeah. Every single, this is press, boys. Come on. You guys are press. We do have credentials.

That's true. We're going to go down at the mayor's speech. And I do have one of those hats with the ticket in it. Yeah. Every single person we interviewed this year for the pod, which is also a fun part of the show, we interviewed some very fun people. Every single person interviewed said When Harry Met Sally was their favorite rom-com.

That's classic. It seems to be everyone, the best, very inarguably the best rom-com of all time. And is that yours, or do you have one that you're like, I disagree, I think it's this? No, it's also mine. It's also yours, okay. Yeah. Is Sleepless in Seattle anywhere in the top three? Not for me.

Okay. What are your others? So you got one. What are the other two? I got one. You got to know this. You got to know this. And everyone listening.

Hey, I bet if you're already subscribed to Let's Make a Sci-Fi, I bet you're still subscribed to Let's Make a Rom-Com. That's what I bet. Yeah. That's exciting. Maddie's getting on her phone she does have a as i know as someone who's been working with her on this she has a chart she has many uh spreadsheets of uh movie things on her phone i do is your phone red and sparkly or is it just plain red it's red it's the is it you two is? It's red. It's the... Is it U2? Is U2 saving Africa?

It's... It's phone. It is. It helps. Yeah. Yeah. It's AIDS. Helps me.

Congratulations. It's so funny. It's so boy to have a red iPhone. Okay. Isn't it? Because that's a U2 album, boy. Okay. That's a good premise for a rom-com,

is there's a woman who's got the boy phone, and the boy's like, I don't know if I want such a boy. He had a red iPhone. She did ballet. I'm glad I found my list, because this does make it more clear to me. Okay, so my favorite rom-com is When Harry Met Sally.

Okay. And then number two is a movie called How Do You Know. Okay, what's How Do You Know? Reese witherspoon owen wilson paul rudd this is a movie that has i think people are have caught on to it when it came out nobody watched it and then it's had this slow creep of people being like people you know when you go to your friend and you're like hey is this a really good movie or am i crazy is this like very good it also has jack nicholson it's jack nicholson's last film he made before he died really yeah and it's good like it's it's awesome okay all right i'm gonna check this out what is her second favorite graham why wouldn't it be good

second favorite it's called how do you know how do you know and then i think for number three just to sort of round out the trio i would go with the holiday really so all uh another witherspoon no no kate winslet and where they do the switcheroo that one they go they have swap and man swap don't they don't they end up swapping well no one was weren't they all single? Everyone was single involved. Yeah. So much easier to swap. You know what I mean? Everyone was heartbroken.

That's why they had to get out of town at Christmas. They swapped the nationalities. They all swing with someone from a different side of the pond. That's cool. Oh, that's cool. I haven't seen any of these movies, by the way. Really? You've never seen When Harry Met Sally?

No. No. Really? He still hasn't. We made a whole season of talking about rom-coms. It's on my PBR. any of these movies by the way really you never seen when harry met sally no no really he still hasn't we made a whole season of talking about rom-coms it's on my pbr it's it is worth watching like even if it's not your particular genre i feel like it it uh is bigger than just the rom-com category it's just like a really good movie right also i don't know if this is a rom-com but bye bye birdie is one of my favorite it's my favorite musical for sure what makes it a rom-com i mean it is romantic and people are getting together and then the calm part

it's funny as hell probably like most comedians i talk to i'm like what are your influences they're like you know uh george carlin bye-bye birdie hello dolly funny though um bill hicks a chorus line the fantastics do you like a musical, Maddie? Are you a musical fan? No. So you're not going to write, let's make a musical?

That would be fun. One of the greatest nights of my life is we did an improvised musical in college. And it was so much fun. What was it called? No Refunds? We didn't make one. Hey, Bob. No, it was good people liked it got a standing ovation i went to edinburgh one time and there was a every night before me at this late show was an improvised musical and what they did during the show is they like made a catchphrase during the

show and they named what the show was and there was somebody backstage the whole time making t-shirts. And in the last act, they all come out with the shirt that says the name and says the quote from the show. That's awesome. Yeah, it was pretty good. That's amazeballs. That's actually amazeballs. Maddie, every year on the show, you and Graham make a series of wagers.

Yes. What were, do you remember, does anyone remember last year's? It's usually about your love life. I think I predicted that it would be on the upswing. I think Maddie was like, no, no way, Jose. These wagers are getting more vague. Didn't I say that I was going to be, I either said I was going to be pregnant or engaged or something like that. And how's that going?

Both No I'm happy I'm happy to report I'm happy to be here today For the first time ever in the history of this bet And what? Happy Happy in love Happy in love

That's what I said And that's what you said Were you not in love last time? She's what i said and that's what you said were you not in love last time she was shopping around some ideas i know well this is what i was thinking about as i was like we had started dating yeah but i i guess he wasn't um worthy of pod shout out yet and he feels the same about you i know well guess what, guess what everybody? It's freaking past guest Malik Elsal. Three weeks ago.

Three weeks ago, I go, so what did you guys say about me? He goes, you didn't come up. I was like, we wanted to talk about how he has trouble finding pants that fit. I said, you can be in a conversation for two hours and I'm not mentioned at all.

And he goes, of course. This is the making of a rom-com. You're on the other sides of the tracks from one of them. What in the Sam Hill? And then he said, are you going to put me on blast for not talking about you on the podcast, which I am currently doing. And I said, I don't think you'll come up.

TBH. But then he did. But then he did. But then he did. Yeah. So good for you. Yeah, congratulations on the love in your life. You never bet about Graham, right? We didn't really.

Usually we have a pop culture, like celebrity. Oh, yeah, that's what it was. I don't remember. We should have checked. I don't remember what it was. I don't remember what it was either, but I know for sure that I did wager against you about you being happy and in love. And so you owe me a thousand dollars.

I owe you a thousand dollars. Yeah. What were the bets we've done in the past? Like, well, Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden still be together. I mean, our original bet,

the first time I ever came on was about Grimes and Elon Musk. Yeah. And Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. A little did p davidson a little bit longer we were essentially we were essentially discussing the next 10 years yeah the next 10 years of pop culture um what uh i feel like maybe last year or the year before it was the the property brother and zoe de chel. Oh, yeah, that's right. Who have altered quits? Oh, shit, really? Do you think now that they've broken up, like, her whole house just reminds her of him because he did

so many little touches here and there? Which one was he? Was he the realtor? Or the... Oh, I didn't realize they were two different things. Yeah, one's always in a,

like, a sport coat. The other's always in a flannel shirt. But no, one's always in a flannel with a tie. Like, he's, you know what I mean?

He wears the checkered with the, still wears the flannel. So in my head, I was always just like, he has a formal version of his regular, of his other outfit. Yeah, I honestly have never watched a second of them,

and I'm just, I assumed that they had something that differentiated them. Yeah, I honestly have never watched a second of them and I assume that they had something that differentiated them. Yeah, there's a flannel and a sport coat and tie. Two different dudes. This is obviously disparaging to twins. Here it comes. But sometimes with them,

Get rid of them all, right? is a perfect example. Where your brain kind of goes, y'all are the same person, but you got double of what you're doing you're like especially when you work together when twins like do a project together i'm like you have one brain and you're going you're hitting it from with two people don't we all wish we had we could be our own assistant don't we wish we could have two twins hitting it maddie you said y'all is that something you

picked up in los angeles i think uh it just comes out when i'm being a little bit silly yeah i was smoking next to uh larry the cable guy trying to think if i saw any good celebrities i could tell you guys about oh i saw the strangers i was gonna call them the stranger things that's what i thought you were gonna say as well the couple in stranger things the uh lawrence and clarence the property brother the people you know the people so i saw them and i said can i have a light no i didn't i could have because you're allowed to because if you smoke cigarettes you can talk to whoever you want as long as they're smoking cigarettes they're smoking people yeah people vape though right you don't like do people do both yeah hollywood what's the do you have to leave a place and go vape outside or can you just vape in the elevator

down the church but another thing people don't talk about LA everyone would move to LA if they knew this which is why I'm telling you guys you can smoke on patios most patios you can smoke on and there's dogs in bars I don't know if I agree with the second one I don't know if I agree with the first one

I smelled a cigarette yesterday and I was like who's smoking here it's awesome why would I not be? It was a Paris in the 50s. Like, this is awesome. This is exactly what I want out of a city. What's your brand that you're smoking?

I don't buy a pack. I go, I need them to make my friends. Maybe you'd make some friends if you had a pack to share. To distribute. One time I took a pack to a party like a a like a you know like a rocker dog trainer would i did with a pack of dogs you know i'm all treats i'm ready to get the people at the party to do your bidding yeah that's also how they do it in prison exactly it's like prison los angeles like it's like in high school you used to have a pack of gum oh everyone wants to be your friend when

you i'd like a piece of gum yeah that, that's true. That's why I think, yeah, I wonder if like, because that really annoys me. If I have a pack of gum and like, someone wants a piece

and then someone else sees that, oh, you're handing out gum? Soon you're out of gum and you have too many friends. Are you upset about this?

I feel like for you, you're more upset about now I have to have this interaction with all these people. Yeah, and they keep calling you gum daddy this? I feel like for you, you're more upset about now I have to have this interaction with all these people. Yeah, and they keep calling you Gum Daddy, and you don't like that. Give me some Trident Gum Daddy. Yeah, it's a problem.

Yeah. That was the whole thing the whole time I smoked, was as soon as you took them out, somebody wanted one. And usually wouldn't have the lighter either, so I was 100 of their smoking operation and then do they want to chat yeah lungs a fuck them right yeah mostly celebrities like they'd be like guess who my twin is yeah it's arnold schwarzenegger and it turns out it's danny devito yeah whoa shit this blew my mind

hey guess who i'm dating from Stranger Things. I think you're right, though. Smokers, for some reason, are fine to give you a cigarette. But when you ask for the lighter, they get all grumpy. So you have to carry your own lighter. You got to carry your own lighter. Do you have one? Do you got a Zippo?

I have several. You know, they kind of float around. They're like hair ties. I never wanted to smoke, but I love fire. Yeah, fire rules. The idea of having a lighter is very cool to me. And, you know, yeah. And have you achieved this yet?

No, but I have, like, you know, a gas stove. Well, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Oh, yeah. Have you ever lit a cigarette off a stove? No. No? Well, I mean, you've got some things to do.

You've got some experiences to have i once didn't have a lighter couldn't buy a lighter tried to light a joint off a what is it called when it's just flat how about you the ground no no no when it's like an a stove that's like not electric not gas is that right whatever. Like, it just gets a really hot surface. You lit a giant off of that? I tried. Did it just make it warm? It's just like glass with like...

Yeah, it's like glass. Yeah. It didn't work. It's like an easy bake oven. And that's such a weird feeling, too. Like, that actually does activate something very primal in you. If you can't access fire and you want it, you're like, this isn't okay. And then this monolith shows up and you start freaking out.

That's why I keep a fire going in my apartment. At all times. Yeah, it is. It's part of our lizard brain. And I encourage everybody out there to have a fire going all the time. Whether it's torch style or fireplace. Counterpoint, fire bad. No, that's not what i did hear that that was an opinion piece and all these fire bad guys what they don't understand is this guy lies in his uh tinder profile he says fire good but you can tell he's a fire bad guy he says he's six one

no way no way uh dave what's going on with you man oh wow this uh speaking of this holiday season so whoop-dee-doo you got it um the this past weekend i went to two parties what the hell i don't even know you anymore. Two parties. Holy shit. Did you bring a lighter? No, I didn't. Fuck.

Your time to shine. No, I didn't. When the place burned down, you couldn't pin it to me. I'm something of a firebug. I'm known as a firebug in the police community. Do you go to these parties and start a fire so that you can leave? Like, well, everybody, we got to gotta leave there's definitely a fire going on definitely go to a party and find when find a moment to leave when no one will notice uh the first party was my daughter uh she turned

well she's turning six but we we do we party a little earlier than the actual birthday. And that was great. The theme was Baby Yoda. Okay. That was the theme? That was the theme. Wow. I mean, there were some Baby Yoda crap.

Was he in attendance? He was not. I mean, he was there in spirit. He was there. We had a Baby Yoda cake. I mean he was there in spirit He was there We had a Baby Yoda cake We had Baby Yoda

Plates And placemats Not placemats But like Tablecloth Incredible All kinds of Baby Yoda

Baby Yoda coloring We did a little Baby Yoda craft What has drawn her to Baby Yoda? I don't know But I'm in favor of it Because It's been so much

I think i talked about this a couple weeks ago so she's like always just you know oh this thing's on netflix from five years ago i'm into it now sure you can't buy any merch of her stuff five year old five years old but like to be into something that's having a moment in the zeitgeist i like that the creator of it was like it's not baby yoda it's just a yoda like guy everybody's like no it's baby yoda he belongs to us now he's part of our culture he's baby yoda forever just like a gif is a gif and not a jif that's the way it goes sometimes um so baby yoda good party uh nice we and we played so we got she opened some gifts we gave her some gifts

one thing that she had asked for both the kids had asked for uh was a board game that i've never played in my entire life uh because it i assumed it was too fancy like no none of my friends ever had it this is monopoly yeah no it's operation too fancy fancy well because no ever had it. Is this Monopoly? Yeah. No, it's Operation. Too fancy. Well, because no one had it. I thought it was like, oh, well, it's not like the other board games. It's electric. No, it's not because it's boring.

Yeah. And it takes about five to ten minutes to master it. And it goes on your shelf for the rest of your life. Yeah. If you've played it once at a cabin, you don't, you'll never, there's no, you're done. I did say to my daughters, I was like, when they asked for it, I was like, hmm, I think this is the kind of game

that you'll think is fun for a day. Yeah. So just have it, you know, have some space in the recycling bin ready for it. Just put it out in the alley. Somebody will enjoy it. Somebody will enjoy it. Yeah, somebody will take it apart for scrap.

But they do have fun just like being bad on purpose and just like making the whole thing light up and vibrate pretty good and like it's all funny things right like funny bone well they don't it's not labeled oh it's it used to be i feel like i remember the commercial said water on the knee operation thousand dollar fee operation spare a rib or two is there a money component of operation no i don't think so this one that would make it more exciting maybe it's canadian operation and there's no money to change hands oh sure everything's paid for yeah um but there's like you can kind of you knowise that, oh, this frog in his throat is a frog in his throat. Right.

But there's no spare rib. And also he's, he's a fucking mess. This guy, he's got every, every part of them needs to be taken out. Um, I'm actually going to look up. What are the operation? How do I Google this? Oh, just put in operation D and see what comes up. Dumbo Drop.

Maddie, have you seen Operation Dumbo Drop? No. It's kind of like a rom-com between man and elephant. Oh, I'm looking at a classic one online that they are labeled and there's like an Adam's apple, a bread basket, butterflies in the stomach, writer's cramp, a funny bone, a wrenched ankle. They're stretching now. I think butterflies in the stomach is the most poetic license they're taking. Why? What's wrong with that you never felt

that way you've never been in love yeah but i don't want them removed oh that's that's true having seen eternal sunshine of the spotless mind it's all about that really i'd be like if they were like he's got a sense of wistfulness. Right. Remove it from his person. And his funny bones, so he's not funny anymore either. Yeah. Yeah. We'll lobotomize this poor man. Man, oh man.

And all his feelings. Yeah, is there a brain that you can take out? And then he rules. There is. What is, there's like a bird in his brain in this one, in the new one. Ah, yes. There's a bird brain. He's also got his wrist has a clock in it. Oh, okay.

And his hand, his fingers have like, there's like a cell phone, a flip phone. No way. We didn't have that when I was a kid. Flip phone-itis. The one we had in my daycare, which is where I played all my little games, was Shrek. So, he had... Was it Shrek Operation?

Shrek Operation, yeah. Shrek Operation. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Yeah, took out the smartest tool in the shed or something along those lines. But no, he just had gross stuff in him, which made more sense. He's an ogre, he's gross, there's gross stuff, get it out, you know? Right.

Sorry, am I being too literal about this game? Oh no, are you trying to think that it is metaphorically? No, you're fine. You're doing fine maddie um i'm on hasbro.com and all the pictures are just like stock photos of kids playing the game but like no close-ups of the game uh yeah it's like it is something that's good to have for a party because everybody can play with it a little bit. And then off to the closet goes. Yeah. So that was the first party I went to that day.

Oh, this was all on the same day. Yeah. Shit. And then the second party I went to was a birthday party for a past guest, Chris Kelly. Chris Kelly. No relation. No relation. chris kelly no relation no relation um and he had a uh part like a dance party uh downtown in a uh the theme was 80s magic so people dressed up as 80s magicians and your copper fields and

whatnot yeah that kind of thing i uh didn't do that uh but i did wear you did bring operation with you i was like can i come over here uh i'll just be in the corner but uh past guest amy good murphy i saw her in the elevator and she was wearing like a whole get up and a fur coat and she took off the fur coat when she got inside and i was like can i just wear your fur coat? So that was my costume. Yeah. Dave was sweaty. Eighties magician. And,

uh, uh, you know how you go to a party. I, this is my feeling about parties is everyone is pretending they can understand each other. People are talking and they're just nodding. Yeah.

Cool. Okay. Now, now it's my turn to talk. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but I really like,

I had three conversations where I was telling people to repeat themselves. I was, I just, whatever the frequency is that's going through the air at parties, it makes me deaf. Well, what you don't know is that you've agreed to let somebody stay at your house for a month and they should be arriving any minute now. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, of course. Right, right, right, right. Well, see ya. But I don't know if this has happened just because of

three years of the pandemic and not seeing other people, but now I am completely hard of hearing. Yeah. You'll have to forgive me. I'm hard of hearing. Yeah. Yeah. You'll have to forgive me. I'm hard of hearing. Yeah. I'm fine with that.

Maddie? Grandma will allow it. Yeah. I'm going to allow it. Do you get the same thing at parties? Yeah. Do you understand people at parties? Anyone ever?

You've got youthful ears. I'm pretty good on it. Yeah. I think I actually lip read a little bit. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Cool. You're like a spy.

I am like a spy. In so ways okay i also hey maddie if you can lip read what am i saying now i won't even repeat what you said it was so lewd yeah horrible horrible he just did it again wow this is really an easy way to bully someone on a podcast well somebody that claims that yeah they can read lip i also did the italian like uh hand off the chin he can also read gestures i just realized a funnier bit would have been he goes because he said fuck you you guys okay yeahnier bit would have been he goes, because he said, fuck you, you guys. Okay. And I could have been like, Mushu, what is it? You know, that would have been funny.

Okay. If I didn't understand it. And I'm reconsidering maybe I would have been a funnier bit if I had just out loud said, fuck you. Or it would have been funny if I said, oh, Dave, that's so kind. Thank you. I just pretended it was lovely. That's one of the most wonderful compliments I've ever had in my life. my life those are three good options okay let's go back and do it again so dial uh text uh one to nine eight four six for out loud fuck you yeah i think would have been the funniest one i think you're right a chance to uh see wet leg in concert what a weird reference they're big man they're big they're big but

i'm doing something that's like a thing from 20 years ago where you would text in to like american idol oh yes right yeah yeah yeah anyway so i'm a party guy now i can't uh i can't get enough of them i'm uh i guess i'm i'll start doing drugs soon hell yeah any minute uh what's new with you christmas boy i'm a christmas boy um last week i think last week in the week before i talked at some length about the fact that alicia toin and I are in a, uh, a back and forth prank situation and she is dominating. She's absolutely knocking it out of the park.

Um, have you heard about this Maddie? I've seen her on Twitter. Okay. Yeah. So it started out very innocently with, uh, trying to trick each other via text by at different times saying,

oh my God, did you hear what happened? Person responds, queen is dead. And so we did that for a while. And then she escalated it to such a degree that she pulled a prank where she said she needed her house keys or extra keys. And I went down to the lobby to give them to her and she wasn't there and then she said oh my god i think it's on the ring that the queen is dead and i was like god

damn it wow was she even locked out no she wasn't even anywhere she was at her house wow that's good yeah so she did that and then the other other night we went for ice cream at Rain or Shine Ice Cream. And at one point I was ordering and I turned around to see to kind of see what she was going to order. And she had a sweatshirt. She just opened her coat and had a sweatshirt that said the queen died written on the sweatshirt. So that's so good. It's so good. And I don't like I don't know how i'm gonna do i don't i can't say

here but i don't know yeah well i mean you told me a plan that sounds pretty good oh yes yeah i do have one one in the hopper oh yeah and you told me something that i thought was terrific but i won't repeat it okay good good uh but then uh we also had a caller who called in last episode and snuck a Queen is Dead into an overheard. It's become our Baba Booey. Yeah, and we also, well, today, when I was giving you your Christmas gifts, I also was meeting up with Alicia, and I gave her a bag with a couple of things as well, including a fake $20 bill with a couple of things uh as well including a fake 20 bill with a picture of the dead queen on it and she she looked into the bag and she said why don't you

give me a 20 bill no no like she was so onto it she didn't even pick it up well and she had asked me she was like can you print something out for me to be, of course this is a rude. I'm going to open that email. So I'm just now I'm at the point where I'm just waiting for the next attack and I won't see it coming because she's doing an excellent job. But we'll have to see. We'll have to see what this week brings. It's a new week, new pranks.

You prank her at all, Maddie? No, I don't. Here's the part of the prank i don't like okay yeah this is a boyfriend's always do to you they go i shaved my head you go no you didn't and they go no i did i really did and you go but you didn't and he goes no look at this picture of me and they go that's photoshop you didn't do it and then and then they go i seriously did and i go you didn't do it and then and then they go i seriously did and i go oh no did you oh my god you shaved your head and they go hi i got you and i go you never got me not one time but i have to you have to let you let me it's almost like it's just multiple boyfriends do this

multiple not the shaved head thing necessarily but multiple boyfriends have like pranked me where i knew it was a prank and then i had to like it's almost like faking an orgasm where i'm like i have to fake that i was pranked yeah or not to hurt their feelings that they got me i hear you uh the this is what i don't like the what i yeah i feel like once someone says no you didn't the prank's over yeah the prank's over like or if the person refuses to participate they're like nope i know this is i don't know what it is but i'm like yeah something feels fishy like okay yeah well then the the perfect serene uh backdrop of this prank is ruined and you're right one time on april fool's day i was on a really intense zoom call like when you know like a meeting yes my emails come up in the corner

and there was pranks coming in from different people all these things were happening and i was like i forgot it was april fool's day and i was just on this call and i was just trying not to react to like my mom is pregnant and my roommate saying we're getting evicted and my boyfriend shaved his head and i was like this is the weirdest day i've ever had but maybe they just really delight in the uh in your joyful reaction finding out that you've been pranked it's just but that that that is the like april fool's day relies on you letting your guard down yes yeah which happens i forget it every year yeah but it shouldn't be a problem for you maddie because you're not allowed to do pranks before or afternoon and you're usually asleep but i'm not

even up yeah yeah and also you have to have a license here in canada to pull a prank license to prank yeah you have to go how is that on a show hey hey you have to go and they somebody accompanies you while you play a prank. Right. If you hit all the right notes. Well, I did an unlicensed prank then to my dad once. I told him he went viral and he was so excited and he wanted me to call his friend Alan. I faked a phone call to his friend Alan and then it was heartbreaking to tell him he wasn't famous at all. What did he think he went viral for? Music video he made.

But then he didn't go to the YouTube or whatever and see the numbers no I did it while he was driving so he couldn't look nice oh that's good good element nice work your regular Ashton Kutcher so anyways I'm on guard for this prank but I'm definitely gonna get punked again there's no way

she is done with this yeah okay you gotta get in there the sweatshirt one yeah i wouldn't have because she didn't even like she didn't say like hey graham and open it it was just as i was turning around she opened it up and it said the queen is dead so did she ruin a sweatshirt or is it yeah no wow yeah this is commitment i mean or maybe that's not ruined maybe that's just a cool sweatshirt or is it yeah no wow yeah this is commitment i mean or maybe that's not ruined maybe that's just a cool sweatshirt yeah yeah that's the right way of looking at it i think you probably sell that on ebay to some alicia super fan yeah or you know uh the sex pistols or something you'd be like they'd be like yeah the queen is dead i should offer it up for charity

actually i bet someone would buy it for charity. Yeah. Come on, Alicia. Stop being so freaking selfish. Do you guys want to move on to a bit of business and a bit of Christmas? Before business. Yeah. Before we do any business, it's time for our annual Christmas gift exchange. Yes.

I say gift. Gift. Gift exchange. I got my bag here that you gave me. Every year, Graham and I do a Secret Santa, and this year I pulled, who did I pull? I got Graham. And I got Dave.

I had Maddie, but then I put it back in, and I was like, oh, yes, Dave. He's hard to buy for. Yeah, and I got Maddie, and I put it back in, and I got Graham. And guys, me flying in to be on Zoom with you is all the present

for you you know it's hard your internet is so much better in Vancouver it is it really is yeah

um should I go first I'll go first okay cause I the only thing I have here is an email

I'm not allowed to open don't open until until i'm done surveying the gifts here okay first of all thank you very much from all the way down in the states trader joe peppermint bark thank graham loves bark love it absolutely love the stuff old-fashioned i love it thank you so much. Oh, my pleasure. My great pleasure. A box of Girl Guide cookies. Uh-oh. Somebody's putting on weight this holiday. Bye-bye.

You love minty things. I love it. You actually said you were going to buy that. So you owe me $5. Yeah, I owe you $5. I've got this 20 I can give you. Those went fast. You said you wanted two, and I had two left.

But I was like, oh, apparently Margo's teacher really likes them, too. So we're going to give her a box for Christmas as well. Nice. Very good. Grease the wheels a bit. Yeah, yeah. Get those spelling test grades up. And in the bag, some Santa coupons.

Oh, I forgot about these. Secret Santa coupons. I'm going to go through them. Matty, you have time for me to go about these. Secret Santa coupons. I'm going to go through them. Maddie, you have time for me to go through these. These are sort of like, you know how couples give each other cute coupons, like for a back rub or like no questions asked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't even know how to finish that sentence. No questions asked.

Kidnapping. All right, here we go. Okay. Good for one. Knock your socks off. Kiss. Wow. Okay. Good for one. Knock your socks off. Kiss. Wow. Right.

Right. Moment. Keep that in your wallet. I feel like one of these is going to be the queen is dead, but we shall see. That's fun. What a fun idea. This coupon is good for one night out with the boys while I do the laundry. No questions asked.

one night out with the boys while I do the laundry. No questions asked. Present this coupon and you can treat yourself to a bubble bath while I do the laundry. No questions asked. Nice. This coupon is also good for me to do the laundry. Wait, why are you always going out and coming home and immediately taking a bath

while I wash a bag of your laundry? Don't ask any questions. Wait, are you the West sideangler? I should have known. Okay, so that one's a coupon to be the West Side Strangler. Yeah, so that will also, I

feel like, now the audience is sort of expecting that the queen is dead. I just want to make it clear it's not happening. So it's like, this ends when it ends. But now it seems even more like it's coming. Yeah, exactly. It does now it seems even more like yeah exactly it does yeah present this coupon and I will start

calling you a rude dude with a toad instead of a three-toed chode who's learning to code excellent thank you Maddie feel free

to laugh at these I'm listening sometimes the audience is just listening really hard stand up wisdom to die by I'm listening. Sometimes the audience is just listening really hard. Stand up wisdom to die by. Good for two tickets to small,

good voodoo mommy, a solemn tribute to big, bad voodoo daddy. Solemn. Solemn. Sorry. You did it right. Oh,

I did. Okay. Present this coupon and I will transform into my sexy holiday character, Thirsty the Snowman. Oh, baby. Read it again. Oh, baby. No, before that. Present this coupon and I will transform into my sexy holiday character,

oh, Thrusty. Sorry. Thrusty the Snowman. Yeah, sorry. Present this coupon and be the first to test drive my prototype, the Dave Car 1. First car that runs on liberal tiers. Let's see how woke you are when you're going 0 to 60 in two seconds. Capisce? Who's that guy?

These have really have a voice behind them for a coupon. Yeah. Yeah. Present this coupon and you can suck on my toes what you're not into that you're crumpling it up goodbye coupon wow good for some sexy hot wax stuff like

in the Madonna movie body of evidence but while we're on the subject you should probably be waxing regularly at your age well I am at that age I know what age you need to wax whatever present this coupon and you can go fuck yourself pretty good nice that one i really like that one's pretty simple yeah present this coupon and i will personally cut your hair to look like your favorite member of bts will it be jungkook and his signature bowl cut or how about suga and his

signature bowl cut or jimin's bowl cut which is his signature or we can just forget about jay hope and his signature style the bowl cut yeah pretty good pretty good cold read yep thank you good luck today i hope the other kids don't pick on you again because your dad is a 42-year-old loser with a B-minus podcast nobody listens to. I love you. I hope I don't get distracted before I put this note on my daughter's lunch. Whoa, look at that weird cloud. A lot of perspective on that one. Yeah, that's probably my favorite one so far.

Don't pick on me uh good for one romantic massage just lie down close your eyes don't open them okay keep them closed for the whole hour I'll be the one massaging you the whole time never anyone else so just keep your eyes closed it's a gentle it's me not a box of rats I poured on you

if it's rough it's me. Not a box of rats. I poured on you. If it's rough, it's me. Not freaking Manchester United tab dancing on your backbone. Just keep your eyes closed. Yeah. The long ones are hard to read. Uh, this is the last one here in the bunch. Present this coupon.

I'll put on my classic whipped cream bikini. Oh no. Did you hear something? How did a wolf get in here? Ah, he's still having my bikini area Oh no, did you hear something? How did a wolf get in here? Ah, he's harrowing my bikini area. Tits first. And you know where I'm going to put this?

On top of the one from last year that is sitting on this desk. That hasn't moved? Yeah. Sounds like you haven't redeemed any. Leave money on the table. Yeah. But there's no...

You can go fuck yourself pretty good. There's no expiry date on these. Pretty good wasn't part of the quote. That was Graham saying it in reaction's no fuck yourself there's no there's no expiry date on these that's pretty good wasn't part of the quote that was graham saying it in reaction to go fuck you well um thank you for all those things oh you're welcome now i see i have an email from graham clark that says don't open an email until podcast so now it's podcast last night we were going to exchange these gifts and you said oh i i'm waiting for something to be delivered yeah i take it it still hasn't been delivered uh well we'll have to see now you can open up the email and see what's in

store for young dave oh it's okay i feel like i'm gonna have have to plug in something so we can hear something. Yeah. Because I noticed this comes from Cameo.com. That's right. This is a cameo recorded just for you, just for the holiday season. Oh, this is huge. This is huge. This is big if true.

Okay, this is a Mr. Bean impersonator. No. Oh, no. Oh, no. I don't like this at all. He's not even in the costume. And on the website, he is in the costume, but then on this cameo,

he decided to fucking not wear the costume. Okay, and here we go. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da. Oh. Oh, hello, Dave. I have a very quick message from your friend Graham, from me and Teddy Toon, to wish you a very Merry Christmas. Yes, Merry Christmas.

And a Happy New Year. And oh, don't put a turkey on your hat because believe me, it's not worth it. Especially if you're looking for your watch. You might as well just buy a new one. So yes, have a

Merry Christmas and a very, very Happy New Year. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride a one-horse open sleigh. What are you doing in there? Nothing, Mom. Merry Christmas. Pretty good, all in all.

You did master Mr. Bean's catchphrase. He did master Mr. Bean's catchphrase. It did occur to me one second into that, that Mr. Bean is not a particularly verbose individual. That's right. He's not a big talker. So he's sort of doing an impression of what we could imagine him to sound like. Yeah, he says a few things. Extrapolating on his usual range or whatever.

Yeah, exactly. Well, thank you, Graham. That's something that was a good for me as well you can rewatch that all year you don't have to just keep it you can do it on Valentine's Day you can do it on Halloween I own it now yeah

exactly I'm surprised he didn't wear the suit surprised and insulted he has a million followers on TikTok so So that's something to know. And just shows you TikTok knows where the talent is at. It's useful. It's a useful thing to have.

It's a useful network of things. It's a really sophisticated algorithm. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Should we move on to some business? Yeah. Absolutely.

Okay. Should we move on to some business? Yeah. Well, that's, there's a brief interlude here from our friend, Maddie Kelly and our fun interview there in. It's time for Jumbotron. And we were absolutely recording this the same day we recorded the Maddie episode and it sounds completely natural. Exactly.

This is, for all you know, this is the whole thing's life. For all you know, that's how seamless. Yeah, it is Jumbotron time. And this week we have one. This is for Kayla and it's from Oliver. And Oliver says to Kayla, he says, Merry Christmas, happy birthday or Valentine's depending on when Dave and Graham are reading this.

Thank you for introducing me to Spy and for sharing the past 12 years with me. You can't have improved my life. Yo, you have improved my life. You can't improve my life. Don't even try, dude. Don't even try. You can't have improved my life. You have improved my life

in so many ways. I can't imagine my life without you. Also, we are almost out of milk. Could you pick some home on your way home? Oliver. That's nice. Yeah, it's fun. This is domestic bliss.

Isn't love great? Domestic bliss. It's all about errands, doing errands for each other. That's right. That's a lot of people's love language is doing errands yeah it's acts of service that's certainly one of them yeah uh one of the big ones and my what's your love language huh what's your love language portuguese we want to get back to the show wait no before you do if anyone wants a Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

Let's get back to that Maddie fun. Seamless. Hi, everyone. I'm Anna McLeod. And I'm Alexis B. Preston. And we host a show called Comfort Creatures, the show for every animal lover, be it a creature of scales, six legs, fur, feathers, or fiction. Comfort Creatures is a show for people who prefer their friends to have paws instead of hands unless they are raccoon hands that is okay that is absolutely okay yeah yes every thursday we will be talking to guests about

their pets learning about pets in history art and even fiction plus we'll discover differences between pet ownership across the pond it's's going to be a hoot on Maximum Fun. Hi, everybody. My name is Justin McElroy. And I'm Sydney McElroy. Dr. Sydney McElroy. That is true. It's important in this context because we host a medical history podcast called Sawbones.

Oh, I thought we were going to. We shouldn't have worked on that. Sawbones. Sawbones isn't afraid to ask the hard-hitting questions. Like, are vaccines as safe and reliable as they want us to believe? Yes. Do I have to get a flu shot? Yes.

Okay. Is science a miracle? No. We have a lot of great history for you and a lot of laughs. And sometimes the history is so bad that there's no laughs. But'll learn something you'll feel something it's always sawbones that's right every week on maximum fun.org overheard overheards where if you hear it we want want to hear it. It's a hear-hear situation, and everybody wins. Hear-hear.

Hear-hear. And we always like to start with a guest. Maddie, would you please? It would be my honor. Okay. So I was on the bus, and my favorite place on Earth. Oh, I forgot. This was in L.A.

No, this was here, actually forgot. This was in LA. No, this was here, actually. It was here in Vancouver. Just like the bus in jail. Okay, the bus, I guess, from like you saying that everything's worse in Vancouver, the coyotes are worse in Vancouver, the rent is worse. The bus is definitely worse then, because the bus sucks here. Oh, the bus is better here.

Oh, okay. Yeah, because LA is not a bus. It's not really known as a bus, kind of. But Maddie was saying it was fine and good. It is fine and good, but I think it's just like people are horrified with the idea that on a safety level they took the bus. Which is funny because in all my time in New York subways, I'm like, they're not exactly chill or safe. And they literally stop underground for half an hour. Last time I was in New York, I took the bus and that was very surprising to me.

I didn't know they offered that. They offer that. I offer that. A lot of cities are doing this crazy thing. So, I'm on the bus

and this woman goes, I don't really hear the beginning, but then I just heard the one woman go, oh, that makes sense. I just thought I was a theater kid.

And then the other friend goes, no, it's ADHD. Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's, yeah. Maybe it's theater kid. See the bus.

The thing about the bus is it gives and gives and gives in the overhead department. And also in the like story that you saw something crazy on the bus department. So yeah, which you're not getting any of that in the car one one funny thing will happen like a year if you have a car but bus every single time what so were you a theater kid maddie yes yeah graham were you no i was never cast in anything so i drifted away from it. But there were two other Grahams in the school, and they both were fantastic at theater.

Oh, well, then that's the same. Yeah. I feel like I was amongst the greats. I feel like there is a kind of like a sort of like a, I don't know what you would call it, a cultural phenomenon now where people talk about like oh yeah in high school all those theater kids yeah we thought they were nerds they were all having sex oh yeah sure also the band kids yeah you know eco club i was a theater kid and i when that came out i was like i'm not so sure every theater kid was having sex with each other were you theater in performing there or were you backstage or down?

Yeah, I was. Were you like a stage manager? No, I was a performer. Oh. What was a role that you played? I never known this about you. I thought you hate plays. I hate plays.

Yeah. I did drama every year. Like I took drama and we had to do like plays in class and stuff. But like when there was a musical and stuff,

I was like, see ya. Yeah. See when there was a musical and stuff i was like see ya yeah thanks see the problem with that was that it was always that the musicals were the only funny plays no we did the one graham and i have talked about this we both because you did you do this as well neil simon's the fools no i would have loved to i I'm talking to Graham. Yeah. I had a one line part. Oh, I was Dr. Zubritsky. I was the baker that had one line. Oh, okay. And then it was on the improv team, but no one was having sex with each other. Well, maybe people were and they were just, let's not tell Dave.

Mostly we were doing weird stuff with urine. yeah we're in the urine being in bottles being in bottles and hiding it uh being on a rag and rubbing stuff with it why wouldn't anyone have sex with me yeah exactly you had it all uh dave do you have an overheard? Not really. As I mentioned, I'm quite hard of hearing. That's right. Yes.

This is something that goes back many months to August. I was like, surely I have an overseen from a long time ago. So I searched my files uh this is from uh instagram okay uh when the calgary flames signed uh the hockey player nazem kadri to a seven-year contract it was posted on um i don't know tsn's uh instagram and one of the comments was oh my uncle would be so happy right now fly high and then two doves emojis and then the person replying to that said shut up but it's also just like my dead uncle would be really happy that this hockey player signed with another team well maybe i mean there's yeah there's people that that's their yeah my there's one of eve uncle fought and died so that they could have free agency

shut up shut up shut up is funny because it it implies like you're bothering me. Like I can't. Yeah. I can't hear the, you know, the movie I'm trying to watch. But this guy was like. But this guy's like having a private moment essentially. And shut up.

Yeah. Shut up. My overheard comes courtesy of public transit um it was a couple talking about some sort of event and one guy said to the other how was the seating with chairs and the other one said not better we tried it without chairs that was bad we tried it with chairs it sucked too weirdly wasn't better yeah why don't we just have a standing only party that'll be nice that'll be fun just use logs when it comes to a campfire you gotta have logs maybe we're talking about a campfire that's possible uh yeah sitting around in a chair and for camp no you know

at any way you can get a campfire i'm for it sitting standing on the run on the go uh video channel showing fireplace uh 24 hours a day uh which is on pretty regularly here i'll just that was my default channel yeah really like just in the the holiday season or because now you can find it 365. Yeah, it's it's unwholesome to it's OK to have it until maybe like February. And then then it's just drunk leprechauns for me on TV and St. Pat's and then drunk Easter bunny until Easter. Then are they drunk? Huh?

Why are they drunk? Because that's the only way they would agree to be part of these videos. Oh. They sauce them up first. They're camera shy. Also, there's a guy

who plays a leprechaun on Cameo, if anybody's wondering. There's a guy that plays an elf and another guy that plays a leprechaun. So get your credit cards ready.

I didn't personally realize that Cameo was offering characters and you know what i mean like magical guys and like more generic there's so many impressionists on it that either do a past guest julia ladquitz is on it she does a bunch of impressions does she do mr bean yeah but i was like i want a guy that's wearing the suit and i didn't get i didn't get it either so no graham you and i you said the other day i was like oh we're doing our christmas episode next so so we need to you know exchange gifts and you're like oh yeah maybe we should go for a drink and exchange gifts and uh what was your plan with this cameo it was like there was was it well i have i have nothing to

bring you i didn't have it until early this morning as he's uh but if you had received it yesterday what would you have done uh i would have said that it hadn't arrived yet i would have lied to your face which is fine if you're trying to keep the magic of christmas unless you were pranking me and i said yeah right shut up shut up shut up uh we also have overheard sent into us from people all over the map you want to send one to us it's spy at maximum fun.org first one comes from repeat overheard contender Aunt Sheila Aunt Sheila coming at it this is from this is from summertime

but you can picture it you can remember what summertime is like we were sitting outside an ice cream parlor on a hot and sunny day picture it I can't they were so deep into it we're in the darkest time of year the table next to us was occupied by an older Englishman who had a big David Attenbury energy. Soon became clear he was holding a table for his family, including grandchildren who were inside.

The group exited the parlor. Chaos quickly ensued. The melting ice cream streamed down the children's arms as they approached the table. The melting ice cream streamed down the children's arms as they approached the table. They struggled to keep the pace with licking as their parents tried to turn the cone at them while attempting to maintain their own cone. The man's wife passed him his, probably rum raisin, in a paper cup. He calmly spooned it into his mouth while five others struggled with their ice cream cones while losing the battle to the heat. The man calmly said, This sun, this heat, and not a paper napkin amongst you

the hubris wow excellent yeah that's a little piece of piece of dialogue i first of all as a child i absolutely remember my parents like telling me i'm you're you're messing up this cone you're not doing it right you gotta attack it from both sides don't attack it too hard you'll tip it over yeah i i'm so slow with uh an ice cream cone that i end up having to like bite the ice cream to get enough i'm an ice cream biter just i am just like you wish it was always on a spoon even when it's not an emergency like event for me i'll just bite it i just like to bite it yeah and i mean the more hubristic that could be to bite the bottom of the cone and you're sure yeah getting it from both ends my dad used to have to ever like you get so drippy he'd

be like i need to do i need to do a run around this for you i need to do a couple power licks to get it going in a good direction for you. Absolutely the best thing about parenthood. But the other thing is, I still have that hubris. Like, I will never, no matter what restaurant I'm at, I will return back to the table with no napkins.

It never crosses my mind I need a napkin until I'm dripping down until there's a burger going down my shirt. This next one comes from Stuart in Ireland. I was walking through my old university campus in Dublin when a very confident African gentleman stopped me and said, I want to be a businessman. Where is the business school? What year is it? I don't know, know but that's pretty he's got the right

first step if he wants to be a businessman um yeah direct me to the business school yeah i want to be a law man where's the law school i'll take it from here thanks did he have like a twinkle in his eye like yeah he he was probably wearing a suit. Yeah. A certain bean impression I'm acquainted with. The first million's the hardest. Where's the business school? Yeah. You know what's not cool? A million. You know what's super cool?

A trillion now, because a billion that's child's play now. Old news. Yeah. This last one comes from Doug F. Today I was getting a tattoo. Is it Doug Fuck? It is. It's Doug Fuck. How did you not make that joke before? Today I was getting a

tattoo and an employee had mentioned that it was her day to be the shop DJ. She explained, I'm a people pleaser, so I just put everything on this playlist that makes people happy. A few minutes later, 3am by matchbox 20 came on and i heard her tell another employee of course i know who matchbox 20 is i'm 24 it's uh it's the age that you really get into matchbox three doors down also and 3 a.m by matchbox 20 probably came out about 24 years ago holy shit

it was their birth song which I feel like that's a thing that people have right? birth song? no did you say no? birth song? yeah like something that they played during

or the number one song the day you were born I thought it was like a birthstone. Oh. No. I thought like your month had like a.

What's your birthstone, Maddie? Pearl. Pearl. June. Pearl. What's your birth song? What were your birth days? Oh, my mom would go on

a whole riff about this for hours and tell you all about everything. Get her on the show. I don't think, I was a C-section, so I don't think they have time for hours and tell you all about everything. Get her on the show. I don't think, I was a C-section, so I don't think they have time for music.

I think it's really. Yeah. Just a snappy short one, like Blur, that Blur song that's really short. Yeah, some too. They have to,

yeah, when you're being, you gotta go really quick when you're a cesarean, and they have to like lick all around you because you're dripping. Ew. The baby's head. Do you think Doug fuck was getting the tattoo he was getting was his family crest?

Yeah. Proud fuck. Doug fuck. Clan fuck. Is that everything? That's everything on my end. We did it. It should overhear.

We also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. A spy pod. One like these people have. David, that was so good. I have a frog in my throat.

This damn operation. I can't do any operation. I'm hitting the sides. Hi, Dave. Graham, and possible guests. This is Graham from Winnipeg. I was just in a shopper's drug mart, and I was walking by the magazines and saw three magazines in a row.

The first one was Zoomer. Oh, yeah. I think a magazine for Gen Z. And then Stream Plus, which seemed to be a magazine about how to stream TV shows and movies. They're pretty excited about the new Ryan Gosling movie. And then the third was Beautiful Bridges.

Nice. Beautiful Bridges. and then the third was beautiful bridges nice beautiful bridges so uh i hope that helps with your christmas shopping it does off i go is it a big centerfold of the golden gate bridge this month's bridge i was thinking it would be like the covered bridges oh madison county yeah that kind of thing yeah but maybe it's a mix of both and also Zoomer is not for Gen Z it's for Boomers

they like to Zoom around Gen Z it's been around for like maybe 15 years yeah I do commend this listener for noticing

that magazines are not like oh you're this kind of person with this kind of lifestyle here's articles for you they have become pamphlets of types, you know? Yeah.

How to stream, how to do this. It's a very strange thing. There was a time, like, in the teen magazine section, there would always be just like a one-off magazine about, you know. Brayden something. Yeah, Backstreet Boys or Avril Lavigne. True. And then I remember a couple years ago at christmas time i saw they had tiger king magazine nice no who was on the cover was it joe exotic on the cover that year but just like this thing that was popular nine months ago no

one wants a magazine of it yeah yeah magazines are the last to know it's just the way it is next phone call hey david hey graham hey probable guest i'm gonna go with maybe abdul maybe he came back for another show really quickly uh so i'm calling you because i'm here going into a hockey game our local quad A team is playing and a group was just walking by. A guy and I'm assuming his partner and her friend

and they were walking by and all of a sudden I heard her one of them women yell to the other one you know, you've got great tits.

You sent me that snap that you didn't mean to send me. Yeah, I'm thinking I need to get my phone and call Dave and Graham right now. Thanks for the show. And off I go. Nice.

Nice. Yeah. I like the laugh. That was my favorite part. Listen, possible guest. Fine. Canon. Probable guest.

I'm going. I suppose. Venturing a guess at? I'm going, I suppose. Venturing a guess at who I might be and being incorrect? Yeah. No. You missed the number of shots that you don't take. Yeah. And now I think this guy wishes it was Abdulaziz. Well.

Weird guess. Yeah. But maybe somebody who knows Abdul. Maybe it's. Abdul is on a three-year rotation maximum. But he was just on. He wasn't on that long ago. Exactly.

So if you're looking for some content, it's right there waiting for you. I'm sure that, like, well, he sent this call in, like, November, so I'm sure Abdul had just been on that week. This guy needs more of an imagination yeah timing is everything but also yeah it always makes the guest feel bad that they can't be abdul aziz yeah exactly it's true it's a jerky thing to do i already live under that weight you know it's hard to be reminded what you are and what you're not that i'm not abdul aziz yeah yeah um huh well this is the time of year where we reflect

and where we tell the truth according to love actually you guys know what i'm talking about um no but i did like your tweet where you said love actuary pretty good right pretty good thanks i hate that movie too just for the record yeah fair enough it's not good i think that's a hate watch i don't i don't know anyone who likes it but i do know a lot of people who watch it every year yeah i watch it as often as possible but yeah i'm the same i don't know if anybody likes it you know people are weird you know different strokes that's what you're saying is disgusting uh well i guess it is disgusting because different people like to have their genitals stroked in

different ways. In different ways, yeah. No two are the same. It's like snowflakes. Snowstrokes. Here's your final phone call. Hello, Dave, Graham, and possible guests. I am a librarian from Houston, Texas, and today at work, a little girl, maybe

six years old, came up to me and said, um, excuse me, do you have any inappropriate books for kids? And the mom just gave her this look like this wasn't the first time she'd asked this question. And then she dragged her back to the kids section. Well, off I go. So was that her, like, calling the daughter's bluff? Or what was, what was the,

I don't know. The fact that the daughter has the confidence to talk to the librarian. Yeah. Yeah. I just like the idea. I think this kid thinks that inappropriate is like a genre. Yeah. It doesn't think it's like not appropriate.

That's inappropriate for children. Yeah. Give me more of it. Yeah. I'm into that kind of stuff. Keep those. What kind of, what are you into these days what are you reading anything inappropriate really yeah i'm reading about it i'm always i'm always trying to get my hands on more inappropriate literature yeah and it might be something very inappropriate or

just like you know not age appropriate like something i can't even read or it should be like on their their burn burning book list and they think all of it's inappropriate yeah sure everybody um what yeah uh at before new year's do you always do like a tradition of how many books you've burned that year like you went through a list well Well, how many I've burned on DVD. Oh, yes. Okay. Nice. Yeah, I like to burn books on the DVD. PDFs. In my family, we actually save up all the books and burn them together on New Year's. Oh, that's nice. A little bonfire. Yeah, we shape them into a

traditional goat. Toss it in. Well, I think I hear the reindeer hop steps hear the reindeer. I guess that means that they're in your kitchen. Because if you hear them above you, that's where they are. Yeah.

But that brings us to the end of this very special Christmas episode. Maddie, thank you so much for being our guest. This was a treat as always. Thank you so much for having me. I loved it. I loved every minute. our guest. This was a treat as always. Thank you so much for having me. I loved it. I loved every minute. Me too. It was fantastic. Your show that's out right now,

Let's Make a Sci-Fi, upcoming, Let's Make a Rom-Com. Anything else that you want people to stay tuned for? I have something coming out in the new year that I can't talk about yet, that I care about. So you have to follow me on Instagram or Twitter at it's Maddie Kelly.

It's Maddie Kelly. I-T-S-M-A-D-D-Y-K-E-L-L-Y. Now, is this the thing that I helped out with? Yes. Okay. Dave was a big part of this. So I'm going to also, when it comes out, I'm going to tell everyone, go to Maddie's Twitter. Go to Maddie's Twitter.

Yeah. Well, thank you for being our guest. And thank you, everybody out there. Hope your nog is cold and your dreams are bold. And come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported