Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 773 - Ryan Steele

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

Comedian Ryan Steele joins us to talk wine on tap, a broken finger update, and catching covid.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 773 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who for the first time in a very long time is smooth-faced Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I shaved it. I shaved it all. And it looks good. You know, you weren't hiding hiding anything under there jagged scars or no but every time i shave my beard i'm like oh there where's the chin no more chin for daddy but like uh i went swimming the day after i shaved and i was just cutting through the water

yeah yeah yeah exactly i thought you were gonna say that there was a bunch of loose hairs i was asked to leave the pool they had to bring out that long uh that voice you hear there that's our guest for today first time guest here on the podcast he's one half of uh the ryan Ryan and Amy show and has his own podcast called Poor Little Thing. We'll be doing a show in the JFL Vancouver at the Fox Cabaret. I'm not sure what date, but I'm sure he'll tell me. It's Ryan Steele,

everybody. Hello, hello. Thursday, February 23rd. February 23rd. February 23rd. Is that like one calendar week away from Valentine's Day I think it is right it's nine days well that's what I meant

Aztec calendars when I go by oh sure yeah Graves still doing the Aztec thing he's so as far as he's concerned the world ended 11 years ago I thought about Valentine's Day today because I was like oh god I need a date this year to make myself feel better where well let's get to know us here yeah get to know us where would you because valentine's day i feel like it's it's loaded that feels like

a day that like is that a day that you would go out like if you would you go out on a first date on valentine's day no but someone wanted to do that last year a friend of mine and i thought that was so weird they're like oh no it was the second date actually but even he thought a second date was like that's a little bit much for like valentine's day valentine's day yeah it's like you know maybe even seeing someone for you know three or four times or what are the days of the year that are inappropriate for a first date mother's day if you're dating somebody's mother. Yeah.

Christmas. Sure. Christmas. Christmas, Christmas Eve. New Year's Eve. Anything that Gary Marshall has made a rom-com about. Yeah. What about a St. Patrick's Day first date?

Oh, I think that'd be great. I think that's okay, yeah. Yeah, I think the chances of you remembering, you know, Irish people are sad. Why are they sad? Oh, the, you know, the years and years of history and the troubles. Sure. The banshees have finished here. Um, yeah.

Have you, I went like years and years ago, I went out on a date on St. Patrick's day accidentally. I don't, I didn't know that whenever we set the plans that that's what it was. And we went out to a bar and it was just insane. It just happened to be like one of the bars. It's like, we're going crazy. Pints of Guinness for like three bucks or whatever. And just, uh, the waitress got drunk and she fell over at some point.

I remember that. Really? Yeah. It's allowed. Oh, good for her. Yeah. Good for her.

Yeah. Really let her hair down. Is there, what was there? Was that, was there an Amy Adams movie where she goes to Ireland? Yes. And there's a day when women are allowed to propose to men that's right

and it's february 29th is it leap day leap year a leap year yeah yeah yes yeah but is that is that a good first date the day when women are allowed to propose yes just to be safe i'm gonna say yes yeah yeah yeah yeah i think women should be allowed you should be given the right to propose you think so yeah maybe yeah i'm tired of the states deciding i want a constitutional amendment yeah agreed yeah called the sadie hawkins bill um uh right first time here on the podcast it's a uh a crime it's a crime episode 773 but i think we both know that amy has been telling us we're we're not allowed to get you on the show that's true yeah she would say that yeah i mean we wanted to, but we wanted to respect Amy's wishes. What changed?

Oh, we had a falling out. Yeah, well, no. It was so weird. Graham and I would be having private text conversations about we should get Ryan on the show. And then just in our text thread, Amy would butt in with an animated

gif of her just like smacking a baseball bat in her hand threateningly. That's Amy. How long have you guys you guys have been together as a comedy duo? Amy Goodmurphy if we didn't say it before.

Past guest saving. Goodmurphy? How long have you guys been a going concern? I think we've been technically a duo for like 12 years but we've been working together for about 15 wow yeah i know what uh because a while ago i was uh when it was during covet or kind of at one of the down points of it where you guys had a pilot you guys showed at uh at the rio yes it was so much fun it was so funny and yeah i didn't realize you had been together that's a long that's a long stretch it's a long stretch yeah we you know we have our own agents and we act and we do

things on the side but for the most part we like we work pretty full-time now like during the week we'll get together usually three or four days. Not an eight hour day because we're not crazy, but a good five hours would do three or four days a week. That's a work day. Five hours. Eight hours, five hours. Same amount of work done. Yeah, fair enough.

Have you ever had an office job? Have you ever had a five hour energy drink? No, I've never had an office job. And yes, I've had a five-hour energy drink. Those are the little ones up by the till? Is that the five-hour energy? Yeah.

Are they good? Do they get the job done? Ish, but I don't like anything that makes my heart go a little bit faster. Not for me. See, that's why you won't go out on St. Valentine's. Exactly. True. why you won't go out on St.

Valentine's. Exactly. You've never had an office job. Congratulations. Would you ever consider, or you, you've got your own, you've got your own thing going on.

I mean, if it was an office job, like I was a creative and I was like a producer and I was, you know, just sitting there and I got to like, okay, you're booked or like, yeah, if I made lots of money and it was creative, there and I got to like, okay, you're booked. Or like, yeah, if I made lots of money

and it was creative, I guess I would. And it was like my own hours and I was the boss. But that's the only way. It was five hours a day. Yeah. And then it was wine on tap.

I'd like that if there was wine on tap. Oh, yes. Yeah. Be like one of those offices where it's like, you don't have to go home. You can have fun right here. But you can't stay.

My parents just built a new house and I was was gonna help chip in for a wine on tap but didn't happen oh that would have been cool it's uh have you ever been somewhere that has wine on tap i feel like well it's score and davy where i worked forever they have one they have red and they have house white and house red it's amazing, is that a sports bar? Score, yeah. We're known for our crazy Caesars. You have like a hamburger you can get on a Caesar, is that it? We have two $60 Caesars that come with like a full chicken, nachos, two burgers, onion rings, wings, like everything you can imagine. And are they affixed to the drink?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. The nachos are? Yes. Imagine being in your forties and making one of those. Hate yourself. What did I do wrong?

Oh my God. Imagine being in your forties and eating one of those. It'd be like leaving Las Vegas. Like, I'm just going to eat this and then die. That's it. Heart attack. They're pretty good. They're worth the money.

Yeah. They'll be out there for score. Yeah. Have you eaten one? Have you run the gamut? No, I're pretty good. They're worth the money. Yeah. They're for scoring. Yeah. Have you, have you eaten one? Have you done the run the gamut? No, I have not actually. I can't do that to them. Are you, we were talking, uh, before the show about, uh, hangover remedies, cause we're

recording this on January 2nd and, uh, uh, we all like to wait an extra day to get drunk on January 1st. But the Caesar is a popular remedy. I think I had one once when I was like 20 and I haven't had another. Oh, wow. And back then I was like, this is the weirdest, grossest thing I've ever had. I wasn't even hung over. I was just like trying things. But it's clam's clam clammy tomato

and vodka yeah yeah and sometimes a whole chicken it's always a whole chicken then say you know you gotta put some hot sauce in there and a little bit of worcestershire uh yes what do you like them um yes but i don't love them like you know it's like a perfect sunday you go out for brunch with your friends you have a caesar and then maybe your next drink you switch to a beer or something yeah yeah graham are you a caesar man a2 graham no because it's got it's got clam oh sure juice in it so i've never i've had bloody marys but i've never had a caesar that's also like um people outside of canada do they know that the caesar's thing or is that not really they'll look i'm such an asshole when the americans come up and they'll order them as bloody marries

and i'll always correct them i'm like you mean caesar oh the caesar and they just kind of look at me and i'm like yeah and that hat you're wearing is a beanie and you're like excuse me it's a duke bitch that is we are losing that fight yes uh the knit knit wool caps they make all of them in the states anything but duke is their their standing policy i love the word too yeah me too um ryan are you a New Year's resolution person? Not really. Like not health wise, but or it's a lie. I do say I'm going to drink drastically less this year. And also, Amy and I, I want to make like a little like Google Doc where we have like goals on there.

Because sometimes if I, you know, you say all this stuff and you go home, your mind just kind of goes, you know, sideways and you forget what you have to do. If I have this Google doc, I can just go into there and I can be like, Oh, I need to do this. So I need to, you know, write this or email that person. So I think,

yeah, my goal, my resolution this year is to drink less and, um, be a little more organized in my time away from Amy. And once you get into the Google doc thing, can you send me an email explaining how they work? Yeah.

You don't use Google docs. I do, but I but i feel like uh i'm not using them to their proper capacity i mostly just treat them as like word documents yeah yeah i think that's fine unless you're like collaborating with someone and that's the real uh that's where they shine yeah that's right um but yeah it's i feel like you know I don't know. It just feels like there's probably more potential out there. I'll come over. I'll show you. Thank you.

Bring a Caesar. I'll make Caesars. How about that? That'd be amazing. Doesn't Worcestershire sauce, that also has sardines in it, doesn't it? Like, hmm. Doesn't it have some weird. Yeah, it might have, Or anchovy, maybe.

Oh, anchovy, that's it, yeah. What did I say, trout? Yeah, he said big trout. I, like, found out that the Caesar was invented in Calgary, Alberta, at the hotel in Calgary, Alberta. Apparently, also, the kind of North American version of ginger beef, also invented in Calgary, Alberta.

Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best and brightest, really. Yeah. I mean, I guess you could go through anywhere in Canada and there's a weird food invention. Yes. Winnipeg claims pineapple on pizza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What what else what's the vancouver what's our contribution to the the culinary scene oh i think somebody from vancouver said that they invented the california roll yeah yeah i feel like that's that's uh something we can lay claim to why they call it a cal a California roll? To sell it to the Americans. They were going to call it a knit cap roll. Ricky. 11 incredible foods you didn't know were invented in Canada. Oh, here we go. Here we go.

I mean, I guess I assume I knew that poutine was invented in Canada. Yeah. And I think this article is underestimating me. The Nanaimo bar, probably I knew it was invented in Nanaimo. Yeah. You like Nanaimo bars? Love. My mom used to make them growing up and big fan.

Yeah? I don't know. I've seen them. I don't know that I've ever had one. It's like a cream thing and a cake thing and a chocolate thing or is i on my way off on that like and it cussed it's like custard or something with that chocolate kind of pop yeah and then maybe like a coconutty cookie there we go yeah but yeah and they're like they're they're it yeah they're very, very rich, but very good. You can't have too many. Can't have too many.

Says you. Well, you can't have too many of anything. Gotta be careful. Yeah, I want to go from never having them to overdosing on them. If you had to overdose on one food, what would it be? Like, if you're like, okay, I'm stuck with one food. This is what's going to make me explode. Like, you only get one food for the rest of your life? Yeah, but your life is not going to be very long.

Oh, good. Because you're going to eat this food until it does you in. So you can't say kale or anything like that. That'll keep you alive. Oh, yeah. You need to die? Yes, you got to die. That's a tie between nachos and chocolate-covered almonds.

Whoa, that's a spread. I know, right? But those are like two of my favorite between nachos and chocolate covered almonds. Whoa. That's a, that's a spread. I know, right? But those are like two of my favorite things. Chocolate covered almonds. Those are basically health food. That's on the, no,

so much sugar. So I ate so many over the holidays. It's like, we had this bag at my parents' house and every day is reaching grab like 20 of them. Did you hang out at the folks place during the holiday? Eight days. Where,

where is it? Well, I grew up in Langley, but they just built a house in Merritt, BC. Okay. It was our first Christmas there. Is it like a ranch? I think of Merritt as being like farm country. Yeah, it's kind of. It's very like. It's an acreage?

Yeah, they're on 10 acres. And it's a very nice house. But it's funny because the house is so brand new and modern but they bought all their furniture from their old house which is really dated so it's just kind of this weird you know um disposition of like oh yeah this beautiful house but with like ew the coffee table is disgusting and they're not gonna listen to this so i don't give a shit yeah what no they're big fans i think my mom's never listened to my podcast so

since it's brand new and it had all this modern stuff and you wanted to get wine on tap was there one thing that was like like uh you know an electric toilet or some kind of is there some futuristic thing in the house you know what they didn't go i thought maybe they get heated floors or you know bidets attached to everything but they kind of kept it really old school. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. When my parents renovated their place,

they installed a like vacuum cleaner. You could just plug into the wall. They have that. They have that. Yeah. Yeah. That was pretty good. Do they have the part where you can sweep dirt to one area and just kick the thing and it all sucks it up through the baseboard.

No. That's pretty cool. Whoa. Future. I mean, you can also just pull the vacuum out and suck it up too. Yeah, that's true.

But that sounds cooler. Yeah, exactly. That's a show piece. What about their fridge? What's this? They got a fancy new fridge or they bring old fridge? They bring the old fridge.

No, not the old brown fridge. Actually, they got a new couch. I'll give them a little credit. They got a nice new huge couch. Nice give them a little credit they have a nice new huge couch um new tv new uh the kitchen everything is new in the kitchen um except the one on tap but um yeah it was about neither of my sisters could make it because one of them is in australia and one's in prince charles so literally just eight days with my parents and we literally it's just you and the parents yeah but it was kind of okay like because they had me really young so we're actually kind of close in age and as i get older it's funny we

just seem to get maybe it seems like we're more the same age and my dad's like a raging pothead so we would like have a weed brownie every night i made them watch season one and two of white lotus and everybody had an instagram story that i was making them watch it and everyone's like oh my god you're gonna watch that with your parents i'm like yeah like my parents prestige tv also we grew up like very like we were allowed to watch we had super channel we were allowed to watch whatever we wanted you had super channel holy shit very rich and um so yeah my mom is like so i'm watching a tv show with my parents and you know i don't know if you watch my lotus but there's some sexual scenes there's some eating of asses and stuff and um it was not a big deal at all yeah etc yeah um had you seen both seasons before this

i had yeah i did just recently and i kind of wanted to re-watch it so it was perfect nice yeah it's uh i've i've watched such stuff with my parents by accident that have a lot of sex in them yeah sure the most recent being that jennifer lopez stripper movie where they oh yeah yeah hustlers yeah um uh yeah i just watched season two of it in about two days. Devoured it like so much ass. But the so you're, are you the oldest of the siblings? This is true, yeah. Yeah.

This is true. Are your parents retired? Yes. I'm just going to spill all the beans but here's the thing. So they sold their house in Langley and then they built this new house, but they built it and then there was fires in Merritt and there was floods last year

two years ago now. And then COVID and I guess the price of wood is insane. So now they made this new house and they have a mortgage again and they're both retired. So I'm like, I need to step up my game and I need to fucking get really rich and famous here so I can... This podcast is the place to do it

I'm gonna be broken a lot of you know big stars right we don't want too many people who have done things before we want to be the yeah we want to be yeah we've we've broken you know Emmett Hall Hall was it through yeah through here

Paula Tompkins we've wrote well I mean it let's not. Let's not claim that. But, you know, certainly like Kevin Lee. Yes. Any of the Sunday Service members, we claim that. All right. So, but yeah, I was thinking they must be retired to move further away from the city yes

yeah what uh that's funny you were saying that they had you very young like what are we talking like a 20 year age gap or yeah yeah like i think my mom had me she was 21 my dad was 22 so yeah you guys are like your perfect palin around age i always thought me and my mom are gonna end up in a old folks home together one day. I'll be like 73 and she'll be 94 just kicking it still. But Amy told me there's names for them. There's like junior seniors and senior seniors or something like that.

It's like high school again when you go to an old folks home, I guess. Oh, sure. Terms. Yeah, junior varsity. If you're retired and you're like 70, you don't necessarily want to be doing the stuff that the you're like 70 you don't necessarily want to be doing the stuff that the 90 year olds are doing you might want to play a game of pickleball or something like that yeah we'll see yeah who knows i mean 70 is still quite young yeah

not where i stand i'm so young i'm so young that 70 seems ancient you know i get it i've been so bad to my body though so when i'm in my 70s i'm just going to be like same as my mom yeah um tell me about growing up with super channel yes yeah so for for people not from canada or people not from our generation super channel was like it was the own it was uh as far as i was concerned a super expensive premium cable channel that showed new release movies yeah without like movies before they like before you could even rent them i guess yes like in the middle like between the theater presence and being a blockbuster kind of thing yeah and then uh and friday nights i believe they showed soft porn yes Yes. I forgot about that. Very soft porn. Very disappointing.

Just like a naked lady walking around. Yeah. Her writing a note to a man saying, do you like me? Wine and... Hey, sorry, I think I dented your car.

That's why I'm gay. Cause I saw that and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, exactly.

You're like, this is not, it's not my frequency at all. Did you, cause when I was a kid and I had a friend who had super channel sleepovers were automatically at his house. Well, yeah. Was this,

was your house the destination for all your friends or did everyone have Super Channel? Oh, I'm trying to think. Yeah, I think... Because this was like... I was probably like 10, 11, 12. I was a little bit younger.

But yeah. Because you get a magazine every month with Super Channel and the guide and it would tell you the new releases and the dates they'd be on

at what time. So you get all excited. So yeah, then you have to tell your friends, oh my God, Adventures in Babysitting is on February 27th. You 27th you gotta come you gotta come four o'clock february 27th 1984 exactly get over here shelby thank you get in the time machine yes

because we had my dad was in like uh his office had a golf tournament and he won a raffle or a silent auction or something and we got three months of super channel whoa yeah that's huge congratulations i feel like super channel and nintendo power glove were the one one and two of oh yeah what were the big status symbols those were i mean you know earlier on probably reebok pump shoes but was there anything ryan when you were like a kid where you're like oh i finally had that would have launched me into the next stratosphere and that's not it's funny the first thing that's coming to my head is like that kid in school who switched from a juice box to a can of pop like oh yeah i remember you know because you remember you have your little juice box you put

your little straw in the hole and you drink it it's like a juice whatever a grape you know whatever flavor you had but then suddenly one day ryan herbert would come to school and it'd be lunchtime and he'd whip out a fucking diet coke and you'd be like what brian that's a whole can of soda what that's expensive yeah but it's just one calorie yeah well he's you know always looking after his figure yeah he's very influenced by those Whitney Houston commercials. He really was. But yeah, that was a status thing, I remember. Absolutely.

Dave, you were going to say one? My kids, their dream present that they wanted for Christmas, and no, they will never get it, is there are motorized, a little car that you can drive as a kid oh like a mini like a mini 400 cadillac escalade damn i honestly think my kids have even maybe outgrown them physically yeah because they i see them as being like something that like a six-year-old would yeah well i have you have a six year old thanks for paying attention but um but that would leave that would leave margo out in the cold and then it's like she's she's done herself in by uh asking for a thing she cannot enjoy oh yeah it's yeah it's like a twilight zone episode but it's like they are obscene. Anyone would buy these for their kids.

Sorry, listeners. I know our listeners are big ballers. I do. Yeah, I remember the kid with a soda. But I also remember a kid who had money for lunch. That was a big one instead of like a packed lunch, having cash. That was me. You were money for lunch because we our elementary school was attached to a high school okay which my kids is not and i was so

confounded when they went to school and i was like you eat at your desk we went to the high school cafeteria for lunch yeah and because i think because i was the youngest of four kids my dad was done making lunches by the time i came around and he was like here's five bucks and i would get a cheeseburger and i would impress everyone by eating it in one bite in one bite whoa look i worked my way up from two bites and then one day i said i think i could do it in one and the lunch monitor was not impressed when she told me she got fired yeah exactly she was standing there in the heimlich position ready to just in the presence of greatness here you guys wow yeah did you have a a childhood freakazoid thing

you could do to like impress your friends like i had a friend who could flip his eyelids inside out and that was his big trick and uh we always asked him to do it and he never didn't he always yeah he always uh came in and wowed us. Anything like that? Did you have a party trick, basically? I would impersonate Pee Wee Herman. That's pretty good. Just do his laugh. Or do that.

Do you still have it? Oh, God. It's really good. It'll work. Dave, can you get a hamburger and eat in one bite, please? No. I would have to be like, I'd have to get it from whatever Cisco or like whatever is the company that supplies every school. Yes.

I don't know where I would go. What was it? Did you have a thing, Graham? I could do I could do pratfall, so I was pretty good at stumbling into something and falling over, or tripping and pretending I fell on my face. I was good at those things. Until you get to an age where you're like,

uh, you could break something, and it would hurt. It would hurt for a long time. There was a guy in my high school who was an exchange student from Haiti. I don't know if it Was an exchange student from Haiti Oh yeah I don't know if it was an exchange student

He was from Haiti I don't know if he exchanged anyone to Haiti But his name was Rudy And he could He would hold his Clasp his hands In front of him And then raise them up

And then Go all the way around Like his shoulders would just rotate All the way around Wow Holy cow And we carried him out on our shoulders And we said go all the way around like the shoulders would just rotate all the way around wow holy cow and uh we carried him out on our shoulders and we said rude he didn't get the reverence though language barrier yeah yeah um yeah i feel like uh if you didn't have something like that you were probably popular if you if you didn't have to resort you didn't have something like that, you were probably popular. If you didn't have to resort to it.

You didn't have to try. Yeah. This is true. Yeah. But Ryan, it strikes me, you're very good looking. You were probably one of the popular kids. You were probably one of the popular kids in school.

I was not. No, I was bullied. I was like in grade eight, I was like very small and skinny. And I always say I grew into my nose eventually, but it was like a really big nose. And yeah, I was like pushing the lockers and stuff and shit.

Locker slammed. We were, we would call it at our school. Yeah. I was locker slammed, but not a lot. Just like Mike Levinsky threw an orange at my head once when we went, uh,

we were ice skating. I think it was in grade eight. And it was like, um, you know, when you go to high school, because it's like five elementary schools all joining force so like now you have all these you know some people you knew from elementary school but now you have all these new friends and new enemies maybe too and so we were skating and it was cnc music factory um playing

and i remember just like loving myself because i'm not a really good skater but like after like 10 15 minutes i kind of find a little bit of a groove so i found my groove loving myself and then suddenly out of nowhere this fucking orange he had like taken the skin off or whatever he peeled it what oh shit it just like the wet orangey orange hits my head and splat everywhere and i didn't even see it coming and i'm like then i look in the crowd and there's like, you know, five of them all laughing, loving themselves. Yeah. And then I'm just like,

I try to like laugh it off and then just start skating again. You know, slowly like peeling all the fucking jokes on you. I love orange. Yeah. Thank you. Vitamin C bitch. Was it boy?

I, the, my line of questioning is going to probably not be what you're expecting but like what kind of orange was it like a navel orange or a mandarin is it was this like christmas time good no i think it was a like a navel it was a little bit of a bigger orange yeah okay so there was it's tough to peel yeah it's tough to peel and it means business when you're getting hit by one there's no you know it's no tiny but so good it's my favorite orange it's uh good for orange slices uh halftime a soccer game yeah oh but then you know that in grade eight though i did like i've you know been acting since i was in grade seven i think in grade eight they need there was a play

and it was all like grade 11s and 12s but they needed to to cast a young person at grade eight so i got the role and the play was pretty suggestive, a little sexual. It went pretty well. And I remember, and everyone, the whole school saw it. And then I was walking to my locker one day and Natasha Leib, who was a very popular girl, she saw me walk by and she goes, hey, Ryan, why don't you come sit with us for a sec? And that's where all the cool kids sat, like grade eight to 12. It was this part of the hallway and I had to sit with them for one day because i was the star of this little play and then as soon as the play ended i was a nerd again yeah back to the orange toss back to the orange toss but then by like grade 11 and 12 i was kind of more of a was it like i had my little group and we were kind of in the middle we weren't nerds we

weren't really popular oh i did go to a party once in grade 12 and my buddy lee was kind of popular he was friends with popular people and lee brought me as his guest and then chris hollywell saw me i love to say all the names and chris hollywell i love that's what i was noticed chris hollywell sees me and he goes ryan steel what are you doing here like i wasn't cool enough to be at that party i hate people fuck yeah yeah shit oh that sucks i'm fine you guys i'm fine but i want to know what this play that was a little sexually suggestive thing you were in what play was it i know i'm trying to think it was like just a very like coming of age 90s kind of like um i think it was basically like

set in high school i think i was kind of playing myself i was like a grade eight who had a crush on like a grade 12 girl and then we kind of date or something i think and there's some like you know flirting in the in the you know dialogue and maybe you know like it's a sexual innuendos and stuff and uh i think even we kissed maybe right yeah that's the front of the whole school that's yeah it's a big deal there was a sex scene but then we cut it because they didn't want me penetrating okay they couldn't have just like implied it or done well no in practice like in uh rehearsal rehearsal um i did we did it no okay i'm gonna stop there um have you done any other kissing acting oh Oh, cause I feel like that was always a big deal. Like the kissing scene.

I mean, I've kissed Amy a bunch, just in our video. It's like nothing. I always, it's always ever just, it's a little peck, but I always like to push it a little bit extra far.

Like to give just a little bit of like, not telling that's gross, but like, no, but like a little bit of wet, wet lip. Yes. It's like,

yeah, you make your lip quiver a little bit, you know, and then Amy is always like, she's trying quiver a little bit you know and then Amy is always like she's trying so hard not to you know flinch or anything

she hates it but um yeah other than that I don't think I've ever kissed anybody no but you say that you were

you were in plays and stuff what was your best what was your best performance well in grade 12 I played Daddy Warbucks in the hit

musical Annie hell yeah I didn't shave my head but I they did put um what was your best performance well in grade 12 i played daddy warbucks in the hit uh musical annie hell yeah i didn't shave my head but i they did put um gray in it to make me look older so why uh why not shave your head i bet oh i bet you got a great shaped head but i was in grade 12 and i think it was like it was our last it was i think it was the end of the year play and so i had my i mean grad photos and all photos and all the grad festivities coming. I didn't want to be bald. Does Daddy Warbucks Daddy Warbucks

does he have a song? In the musical version, yeah. He has a song called NYC. I remember I sang and then tomorrow he chips in that song with Annie. But we had two Annies because there was two girls that really, really wanted it and my drama teacher couldn't figure it out so we had to give them both a part and they

had different like the matinee today Annie will be played by Susan Boudreau and then tonight follow Beth Newdorf Boy you know every name. Yeah you know all the cool people. I can remember names from 30 years ago but some guy will sit at my bar like three days in a row and

ask his name every time and I can never remember it. don't understand where my brain is like you know who's a cool person is someone who really wants to play annie yes someone who wants it so bad that the drama teacher has a nervous breakdown well and because susan was actually a redhead she looked like annie she's born but beth was a way better singer so that was the you know dilemma yeah i went to go see uh it's on netflix but for some reason it was playing just one week in theaters matilda the musical oh yeah uh i took margo to see it and it ruled and like what i loved about it is like it's mostly a kid cast singing but it doesn't none of them were like that like that annoying like stage kid yeah yeah yeah right oh i've seen actually a clip

i think there's some really cool um choreography in matilda isn't there yeah something that went kind of viral they're in a hallway or something and all these dancing yeah the whatever the um boy what's the last song called uh revol children something like that yeah there's a good like I'll do it 5 6 7 8 whoa yeah Dave's nailing it he did kind of start it with

I mean I can't do it because I'm not I'm just in a room but the camera's moving back with him it's a great uh it's a great production really good that was really good yeah i um uh i don't know that there were was there musicals when i was in high school i feel like i there were definitely plays that were like well-known plays but i don't remember if there was a musical i feel like you really you had to have mastery of a couple things to be brave on stage and brave singing yeah when i was in grade when i was in grade 12 i did drama but i did not want to do the musical no grade 12s auditioned for the musical and so

our uh the like the drama teacher was she she was you was, you know, not happy about it. She had to pass all these great 11s in a, what was it called? Leader of the pack. We did that. We did it. We did that one. What's leader of the pack. It's about Ellie Greenwich,

who along with Jeff Barry wrote a lot of the spill, Phil Spector. It's kind of like a grease vibe, right? Leader of the pack. Yeah. Yeah. But it's,

it's, uh, I think it's biographical. Okay. So it's about of like a grease vibe right leader of the pack yeah yeah but it's it's uh i think it's biographical okay so it's about her life and how you know she uh she had a baby and she said be my baby and then she it was christmas and she said baby please come home i was in a play in grade eight that i could be canceled for. And I had to throw away the photos because I played a person. I don't even know if I should say this. It was a long time ago. It was like 1991 or two or something.

And I played a person that was not white. And, but my dramaturgy was fine with it. And I, and our prime minister was fine with it. And, but yeah, I had,

I recently found photos from that and i i threw them out i was smart i'm like no no like these photos can never be seen me with you know yeah yeah and like who are you gonna show that to who's uh what are you hanging on to those for exactly you know unless you're awful how fucked up I was no yeah I never made any of the plays I made one when I was in grade 8 and then never since it was Radar and MASH

we talked about we both were in Neil Simon's Fools oh that's right I had a line uh i had a line in the fools and there was in mine we did one we uh we did this play and it was we had the same thing with two actresses playing the same roles for different um ryan you know all about this and it was one of them messed up so badly like said the wrong like froze on stage then said the wrong line that like that like made us miss the next four scenes like fast forwarded like

from one scene from scene four to scene eight and like all the context was gone when i was in grade 12 i was uh i was in another play i can't remember what it was called but similar thing like in grade 12 i was that fucking loser that was like on the grad council and i did all the announcements on you know like for the yeah all the announcements over the speakerphone whatever it's called and then i was working i was working at mcdonald's part-time i was in all the plays i think you were that loser i think it sounds like you're pretty you kind of together okay but i was i overdid it and even like i fall asleep sometimes in my socials class and mr bull will be like ryan you're like burning your candle at both ends kind of

thing chill out and then i was doing this play and i just for the life of me didn't memorize all the lines and we're like on stage like a packed house and i literally in the middle of the scene went i have to go use the washroom and i left stage to go get my lines and i can't it was just radio silence as i was not on stage as i my character had to go pee apparently and then i came back and said my lines at least we didn't skip four fucking scenes or whatever you said yeah yeah yeah oh man but like the audience being like oh that's a brave choice i've never yeah i don't remember hamlet uh going to the bathroom so much louder poor thing oh man i forgot about that um you did the the speaker and that's why i feel like that was strictly the domain of uh our, our principal when I was growing up. I didn't know that.

Oh, maybe. No, we, ours, we had, we had, I think it was different people every day. Like it was like a crew of people. Right. And then they would, you, you, they would get to pick a song that played between classes. Oh, that's pretty cool. Oh, I didn't get to do that. No.

Did you, did you do the announcements every day you um i believe so i think i don't think it was for the whole year though i think something happened at some point i think maybe i just i think mr bull used to do them and then one day i was like i want to do some and he's like okay and then i did yeah only for a couple months i think yeah wind your way into a roll exactly um dave what's going on with you man oh well happy new year everyone i know we've released an episode already this year but i haven't you know i haven't i've just dipped my toe into 2023 oh yeah cold so far eh yeah it's like winter yeah yeah yeah um the uh a little update on the last episode so as of the last episode i had

broken my finger i was about to go to the hand clinic uh i since went to the hand clinic um and they were like yeah it's probably fine the hand clinic just an update yeah so you go to the hand clinic check out the hand clinic is that an actual thing yeah it's it's part of saint paul's hospital oh wow do they make you like deal some cards well you actually it's saint paul's hospital so you actually well you have to be catholic so i had to get confirmed yes that's off my uh first confession no it was a long one um yeah is it uh yeah they just did they x-rayed or did they just kind of feel it had been x-rayed before right and uh my doctor said go to the hand clinic and they'll he didn't even say what they would do so i went there everyone else at the hand clinic has like huge casts on their hands i like i broke my finger in the tiniest way

falling playing hockey and i uh a guy threw an orange at me while i was playing hockey i can go bring it up yeah the uh maybe that's nice for them maybe that's a nice little break like oh you know let me handle the the finger guy because i've been working on this dude's let me handle the the finger guy because i've been working on this dude's uh you know smashed oh yeah people are like you know cut themselves and like you know severed some kind of ligament in their hand and i'm just like have this little break and i can't quite get my finger to touch my palm when i hold it like this and the guy so a doctor or i guess like a medical student started with me and was like i'm gonna write down some things and then show it to the doctor and uh we'll uh we'll give you treatment and it was the doctor was like oh you can do this you can do this uh you can do

a monkey grip you can do a fist and you can uh i forget what the third way of holding my fingers was called like a little mouth yeah kind of yeah one hand clapping one hand clapping yeah uh and he said uh okay well when you're in the shower like get yourself whenever you're like you should do this in the shower because warm so you're first of all use soap i don't want to second of, like you stink. Yeah, we're going to send you to the B.O. clinic. Yeah, also like. Fizzy day. Yeah. I know they say you're not supposed to shampoo every day, but maybe you should twice a day. And he's like, no, go in the shower when you're.

So it's nice and warm. Warm up your muscles and just push your fingernail. Push your finger into the hand. And like he was done with me in 30 seconds. Oh yeah. Get the hell out of it. You don't have a, you don't have a sprain on it or anything.

No, it's just, I had a splint for the first few days and they said, by the time I was at the clinic, they were like, don't even, they recommended taping it to the next finger over. And then by the time I was at the clinic,

they said, it's too late for that. And it now just do this and it's fine. Don get me wrong you can tape together any your fingers if you want if you're if you're just trying to have fun yeah um have you ever broken broken a bone no knock on wood knock on wood i've never like i've never been too like i go to the gym and i run and stuff but i've never been a sports guy. No, that's... Yeah, you said hockey, actually. Because when I was growing up, my dad...

Because he has me and then I have two sisters. And my dad is the manliest man in the world. He had a taekwondo club. He had a rat tail. He races cars. These are the manliest things I can think of. Yes. But also, this guy sounds rad.

He was. In grade seven, I think. I was in elementary school and um there was a new a new guy and the cool guys were showing him around and the cool guy was like oh who's that and like oh that's ryan steel he's a nerd but his dad's fucking awesome i heard i should have said that for later but um anyway my dad what am i saying sorry i broke i think no my dad tried to give me he bought me like a hockey stick, a hockey net, baseball net. No,

sorry. A basketball net, a baseball, everything you can imagine. My dad tried to get me baseball wig football. Exactly. He tried to get me to play every sport, known a man.

And then in elementary school, I did play volleyball and I was the second worst player on the team for sure. Mark was worse than me, but I was really bad except one tournament. I won the, I got the winning serve over like the 15th pointer however it works and then everyone carried me on their shoulders and my dad was in the audience it was like a karate kid moment he was just like you know bobbing his head so proud and i was like yes i did it and that

was the highlight of my sports career wow that's pretty good i i love the idea of being the second worst uh player like i that's how i like my whole life i'm like well like through comedy i'm like I love the idea of being the second worst player. Like I, that's how I, like my whole life. I'm like, well, like through comedy, I'm like,

well, I bombed, but that guy bombed hard. That's exactly it. It's like, oh, well, I,

that guy failed the class. I mean, I got a D, but that guy, whatever makes you, you know, feel better. It gets you through the day. Come on.

So, uh, my finger's doing great great good to hear feel like volleyball would be a place that you'd really jam a thing oh yeah it's jam town oh yeah i was lucky yeah one time i slammed the door on my sister's hand though and she needed to go get a splint or whatever yeah um why did michael jackson always have his fingers taped together uh i don't want to comment on that this is a riddle thing awful i'm not allowed to comment on that actually um uh so the other uh one other thing that happened is we haven't recorded in like two and a half weeks maybe so i've got i've got things to talk about, but I'm saving some. Yeah. One other thing that happened is before Christmas, Abby and I, my wife, had over a few friends for a little pre-Christmas party. Included in those friends was Graham Clark.

That's right. And past guest Alicia Tobin was in attendance. Past guest Jessica Delisle And it was God damn delightful It started at 8 I think everyone was gone by 11 And that was us like That was us like

Burning down the candle We had Just so many cheeses cheeses and cocktails oh yeah and dave is very uh very good mixologist you made a like a bunch of different drinks yeah i made a lot of drinks i every time i was time to make a drink i would put uh sleeve garters on as you should i put my vest on and say, Hey, I'm a mixologist.

Yes. What did you make? What did I make? I made, you made a sidecar sidecar. That's my favorite, which is, uh,

what's in that? To know, uh, it's like, what's that? Uh, what's Hennessy? Hennessy is,

is it Hennessy brandy or hennessy is like a cognac isn't it it's cognac yeah yeah so it's uh it's a hennessy based cognac based cocktail and then i made a few other things but uh but that sidecar was that was delish yeah well come over anytime okay i'll be over right after this i actually don't have any right now i'll bring some Hennessy with me oh do you um and uh yeah that was this i think it was the first time we've had you uh people indoors um we had like a little patio party last summer but uh since the pandemic started it's our first time having people indoors for a gathering and it was just five guests i think

yeah you kept it small kept it sensible and i've only heard that two of them now have covid actually well graham what's going on with you? Wow. Yeah, I managed to avoid COVID lo these many years. Whoa. And then caught it right in the thick of the Christmas season. So, had plans to go home, visit. Those were scuppered. Yeah, two separate.

You had two or three separate plans, like two or three separate dates you were going to go home. They were all canceled. It all fell apart. Yeah, so I still have it. I'm out of the like five day hot zone thing. Yeah, exactly. You drink one every day like an advent calendar

now you were saying you got inhalers yeah my uh it was actually a leashed oven that said like oh you should call your doctor and see if there's anything they could do for you and then i called and they said yeah yeah i'll order you a series of inhalers, which I went and got. And like, I would have probably been dead on my ass without those inhalers. Cause, uh, they worked like a charm, but I could just tell if I didn't have those. Oh,

are they different than your regular asthma inhalers? Uh, yeah, yeah. They were like, uh, I got one, I got an inhaler for my nose.

I got one that's a twice daily that has a little counter on it. And then I got an inhaler for my nose. I got one that's a twice daily that has a little counter on it. And then I got, I got just a refresh of my rescue inhaler, my famous blue, blue buddy. You got like, uh, those,

uh, lifesavers, Christmas books full of different inhalers. What are you inhaling when you're inhaling? I don't know. The one that has the countdown feels like you're inhaling dust. So it's, it's like a powdered one and then with the regular kind of rescue one it's more like a mist than the other one it doesn't it doesn't coat your tongue like the other one does oh man and then

the nose one oh man does it taste awful when it goes down the throat it's not supposed to but it does it works yeah oh yeah but it just oh yeah they helped out and uh you know what people who are like oh it's just like a head cold yeah it was worse than that yeah have you had it ryan yeah um twice that i know of i had it i got it last christmas and yeah, I was supposed to go hang out with my parents, and that did not happen. It was actually kind of fun. There was three or four other people in my building that had COVID, so I went down to a friend's apartment in the building, and four of us all just had COVID

and partied together. Luckily, I got it pretty bad. It was Omicron, and the first three days, I just thought I was going to die. This is the tail end. I it was a day six or seven by this point and I felt way better so we went down and had some wine and played games and wore wigs as you do and

I love that now what's your favorite kind of wig I would like to dive into this are you someone who owns many as a performer and a sketch guy I have given so I've thrown so many out but I believe I have over a hundred what holy moly that's out, but I believe I have over 100. What? Holy moly. That's

amazing. But here's the thing. You have to get them. I don't know if it's gross, but you need to get them from Valley Village because Valley Village, they have actual wigs that people wear. You go to the Halloween store and it's a wig. It's a one-time wig. The net underneath is so gross. There's bald

spots on it. It's just terrible. But's a one-time wig. Like the net underneath is so gross. There's bald spots on it. It's just terrible. But you go to Valley Village, they have like real wigs that real people wear that are thick and great. And so I used to be a big Valley Village guy. I don't have a car anymore, but when I used to have my son fire,

fuck, I'm always going to all the Valley Villages and looking for tight t-shirts and wigs. And my mom's a huge thrift store gal. So whenever she goes and she sees wigs, she'll just buy them for me or she'll take photos. She's like, do you want this? I'm like, yes, all of them. They're only like $3. If they suck, it's like $3. It's a good

risk to take. My favorite wig to wear. I don't know. I have this one. I have this character named Shandy and it's actually two wigs in one and it's just insane volume. It's insane and it's by far my favorite wig because it just like it's a wig that you put on i mean a lot of wigs when you put on it kind of changes your character your mood whatever but this wig is like hands down yeah i'm

a different what where do you keep them are they in in like uh do you have a trunk i have a big bin a big tupperware bin in your apartment yeah just over there wow nice and do you have a trunk? I have a big bin, a big Tupperware bin. In your apartment? Yeah, just over there. Wow. Nice. And do you have to, like when you bust one out,

do you have to like, brush it, comb it, style it, or is it locked in place? I mean, yeah, some are,

and some you have to give a little comb, but most of them, they're pretty good. You just put them on. Do you have any doubles? Do you have the same one twice? Well, I used to, because,

so forever ago, and this will come up again later, I have to tell you have the same one twice well i used to because so forever ago and this will come up again later i have to tell you a story but um we did a we did a show before it was ryan and amy it was the ryan steel show and when i started doing that i was like oh so all we have to do now is go to la and do a show and then we'll get famous so i found a venue down in la did a show no one came but um it was fun to go down there and so when we came back to vancouver we had the ryan steel show at the odyssey and so when we came back to Vancouver we had the Ryan Steele show at the Odyssey and I thought it'd be funny if we all came back with frosted tips from LA

so I went to the actual wig store or whatever and I bought like 9 frosted tip wigs so all the cast members came out with these frosted tips and so I had lots of I think I only have one left now I've given so many wigs away over the years or like lended to other comedians

that I need to have a little list. You need a Google Doc. You need a Google Doc. That's true. That's the point. I didn't have it back in the day because there's so many wigs that are just in other people's apartments now.

That's amazing. A hundred wigs. Oh, man. It's two years worth if you do one a week. Sure, yeah. Malcolm Gladwell says if you do one a week if you sure yeah yeah well malcolm gladwell says you do 10 000 wigs then you'll finally be a wig master wow 10 000 yeah something like that yeah there's a wig place not far from where where i live oh it's uh but i think i feel like it's exclusively women's wigs is it a band too

is that what it's called it's like on fraser or something or kings no no this is uh 16th and oak right yeah i've never been uh you know what go check it out yeah it's probably very expensive compared to what you're used to buying yeah the valley village eva and co oh yeah you might go is is even there when you go do you know i hope yeah i mean i've never this is thing i have no entry point to come in there and try on a wig yeah what i will say is they are a 3.5 out of 5 on yelp but a 4.6 on google rating wow that's not bad yeah but yeah um would you you've got a full head of hair but would you if you were going bald would you wear a wig or would you get would you just shave off the rest of it or would you get plugs what's your what's your balding strategy i would probably get plugs because i have had like three friends recently do it and they look great and

then they seem happy so i think i would do that like that's what it's all about being happy exactly i dye my beard my beard is completely white but i every really every two or three days i give it a little i used to do just for men but it like really burned my skin and so one of my sisters is a hairdresser so i get to go to her like the place that only hairdressers get to go to and i just use her phone number and the guy who runs it is this little gay guy and just flirt with him i'm like thank let thank you less he's like get out of here ryan love you see you next time how much how long like because your beard is very short so how how you'd like a little i'm assuming it's a little bottle of dye and it lasts how long?

A little bottle of dye. It'll last like three weeks. That's it. Okay. When my beard is short, I have to dye it every two or three days. But when it's longer, then it's maybe once every five, six days. Wow. My beard is quite white, but I guess

I'm just happy naturally. There you go. My brother and his wife went to turkey and apparently they they found out there that that's a really big destination for people getting hair plugs yeah just like everywhere you go there were people with hair plugs or uh you know men wearing ball caps that like everywhere you looked where which i had no idea i had no idea but you seem to know but you seem to nod and no i was gonna say a story there was like um i heard someone recently they got um the plugs but they put it on the front of their head where they were balding but then over the next like few years they continued to bald in

the middle area but because these plugs were plugs now he kind of had like this circle, circle on the top of his head of like, he had hair at the front and hair on the side and back. But then he had this like this big, huge hole in the middle of the fertile crescent. Oh no. So then I had to go back, I guess,

and get round two. Maybe. Or I would maybe wear a wig. There's like those wigs. You see, I don't know if you've ever gone there. It's on TikTok and stuff, but like,

they're literally like, they just stick to your head and they look very very real so i would be open to trying i have so my hair is i've been growing it you know i can't stop this stuff man uh but on the side on my temples are quite gray but the top the rest of the hair is not so but when i like if i push my hair back behind you can't really see it but if i push it behind my ear it's all gray here i feel like it looks like i have a wig on top of gray hair i have a dark wig on top of gray hair and i think it's cool sets you apart what are we what what money amount is it to to get plugs this is like it's like 50 000 i think it's probably cheaper in turkey is the thing yeah hell yeah i would yeah no i would say like five to ten grand maybe but you have to keep doing it

don't you like you don't you go for updates because there was the great sportcaster joe buck uh what was the news story about him i'm just gonna look it up um uh but he had uh he like lost his voice from uh oh joe buck reveals that hair plug addiction nearly cost him his career uh wow he lost his he yeah his speech his loss of speech was a side effect of a hair transplant procedure because i think you have to like renew it every so often i'm not like your vows yeah yeah yeah and go big because you cheated on your hair you know what i always think i think like if there's like this middle say say you die and then say there's you have another life but either there's this middle period where you're going to pick your next

life. Because I've had a pretty rough go in relationships in this life. So I would say in my last life, I was a fucking asshole. I cheated on my partners all the time or I did something wrong because I don't know why I'm getting such bad luck. But anyway, you also get to look and choose what you want. You're like, okay, this life, fuck, I'm going to have, I'll go

bald, but you got to give me a big dick this time. I want a big dick, bald, but I'm going to have really I'll go bald, but you got to give me a big dick this time. I want a big dick, bald, but I'm going to like, I'm going to have really good genes so I can live long and then maybe I'll have a hair test. You're going to need some good genes with it. Yeah, an hog you're walking around with. This is true, but I feel like sometimes like, I just, everyone's kind of dealt

a different hand, but I'd love to think that there was this like, you know, part where you get to choose, but then obviously you don't remember it when you are living that life. Yeah, exactly. Because that would not make it work. But, um, yeah, it's like the only part where you get to choose but then obviously you don't remember it when you are living your life yeah because that would not make it work but um yeah it's like this life i have a full head of hair i'm very lucky my dad still has a complete full head of hair and my mom's side they were pretty good too so i think i'm pretty golden for the rest of my life nice but yeah if you make it to 40 any uh it's it's the i think the awkward bit is like when you're 25 and you're balding and you're like what do i got this young face yeah i had i think i made a deal in a weird life where i get

you i think i made the opposite deal or something got mixed up in translation where i just got a hairy dick and a giant forehead yeah i have the smallest penis you've ever seen um anyway so yeah i made a sidecar made a baked debris oh that was good and uh had a little party what's going on with you graham i had covid oh that was it yeah it limits your amount of things you can do i watched a lot of uh net. I watched the new Lindsay Lohan Christmas film. Yeah. That's weird. It's not. I assume that it would be a bit bigger budget because she was in it, but it's just exactly the same as any Hallmark.

I think they spend the budget on getting her to do it. Yeah, exactly. Very busy. She loses her memory and falls in love with a a guy um and you know guy who loves christmas right has a daughter previous wife what do you think happened to her she's dead oh yeah i thought you were gonna make us guess how she died she fell in a trap that was meant for deer oh yeah yeah yeah face first oh poor thing poor thing exactly yeah i don't know why they got so graphic with the explanation but the actor who played her widower is like yeah, face first in a deer trap

and then, actually, I have to go pee. I'll be right back. Left for five minutes, came back and then Moose came along. No shame in that. But, you know, if you're looking for a quick

blast from the past Christmas-wise, I recommend What I Have Christmas Christmas wise, I recommend, what is Christmas to remember? I think it's called. Yeah. Just, I think if you go to Netflix and you say Lindsay Lohan, yeah,

that or mean girls will pop up. But for me, this is, this is one step on a huge comeback for Lindsay Lohan. She was so great. She was so talented. And then she just disappeared. I mean, she was everywhere outside of movies

for a while. She was in every tabloid. I think she's back. She's still, as a performer, incredibly charming. And she's funny. She does a lot of silly stuff in the movie too. And she had such a deep voice at such an early age.

Yes. Still got that voice. She just did a commercial where she was drinking milk and Pepsi together. You like dipped a cookie in it or something. It's like, it was Pepsi trying to start this new thing. Like, yeah,

that's seeing milk. Yeah. Pepsi and milk. I don't think that, weren't they trying to start a thing or were they just trying to get people on podcasts to talk about it i don't know the fuck i can't think of the name right now it was called like pilk pilk pilk yeah yes that's right yeah pilk i think they're trying it's like it's kind of like a vodka paralyzer without vodka oh yeah that's a good slogan actually hey it's mine it's mine you're something of a mixologist um yeah so that's what's going on with me okay team covid team lohan um and uh you know what

uh maybe i'll get it again who knows maybe it'll be better next time we'll see we'll have to see i'm still with the future i'm still covid free for the free whoa i mean i have i've been sick a few times and i'm certain it was covid but i tested negative every time yeah like when i tested it uh the bottom line showed up so fast like it's as soon as the the kind of like stuff see into, they would just instantly. They say the 15 minutes, but yeah, from what I've heard, everyone's like, yeah,

you know, right away. Yeah. And it was one of those things where, you know, when you're on the cusp of getting sick, where you're kind of like, I can pull this back.

I can, I can get back to healthy. Just get a little bit of, yeah, it was a little bit of, uh, oregano oil. Yeah,

exactly. Whereas you're like, I can balance this out, but then there's that tipping point of uh oregano oil yeah exactly whereas you're like i can balance this out but then there's that tipping point where you're like nope i'm gonna be sick there's no way around it um why don't we take a little break for me to go to the washroom i mean no seriously it's in the play it's written in the script uh but yeah let's take a moment for a bit of business good idea alright hey everybody check us out

it's Jumbotron time yeah it's great to have you and as Dave said it's Jumbotron time Tron Tron Tron Tron ooh that Jumbo's so scandalous that's okay that's so scandalous. That's okay. That's really good. No, it's better than okay.

We're living the vida loca. G-Head, boy, Jumbo's like a truck. I don't know. This breaks down. No, Jumbo's like a truck does sound right. It does sound like it's right out of the song, but he jumps like a truck. Is that what they say? Which is like it's right out of the song but he dumps like a truck is that what they say

which is like it's so close to just referring to her turds yeah and it's also just sounds rude like you've got your body is being described as having dumps yeah I think

boy imagine if Cisco had his notepad and he was writing about this woman's body and then imagine if he had a second thought where he was like, actually,

maybe I should mind my own fucking business. Or he was outside writing on a picnic table somewhere and then a dump truck went by he was like that's what i'm talking about i don't think you heard me uh okay it's jumbotron time hey anyone out there if there's a message you want to send to someone who you know listens to this show the way to do it is by going to maximumfund.org slash jumbotron and uh you know you your target will hear this message yeah this is a good way

to settle old scores um you know invite somebody to a duel tell somebody that you're on to them these are great yeah stop tailing me this first one uh this one is for lindsey p it's from becky and the message is i'm so proud of you for your new job being an amazing mom and generally kick-ass person 2023 is gonna be your best year yet and i'm so lucky to have you as a friend that's really nice 2023 is gonna be her year i think everybody thinks so in the first couple weeks of january and then you think people think that yeah i do i think people are like this is my year i'm gonna make it happen but you know what i feel like this is gonna happen for lindsey p i feel like this is an actual she's gonna have a hot hot year and uh you know and she probably is gonna have dumps like a truck

and you know what that's her choice yeah she wants to have dumps like a truck that's fine but this is the last we'll say about it of and we also have another jumbotron how do you like that what are the odds doing two jumbos in one jumbo segment uh this one is from jonathan in new hampshire and you know who it's to i think this this is unprecedented. It's to us. It's to us, Graham and Dave. It could be any Graham and Dave. That's true. I'll read it.

Oh, let's see. Yeah. Somebody they work with or something like that. Greetings in the now times. After binging your entire back catalog, including bonus content, for the last two and a half years, I'm pleased to be starting 2023 in real time with you. Thanks so much for your work it helped a lot to hear you both dealing so gracefully with the same stuff we all went through though later and much much faster uh well you know what thank you yeah for listening and sending a nice little message along very nice thank you for doing that um but also

like just i know you were binging, but just know that Graham and I deal with everything a lot faster anyway. Yeah, and also, inevitably, you're going to have to purge. And so, you know, put some time off work. Honestly, people, we hear so much about people binging this show, but who

writes us about purging this show? Yeah, exactly. And on a related question, when's the purge this year? Is this still going to be? Yeah, it's on a Monday. It's always on a Monday or is it lunar?

Oh, I think you're right. I think it's lunar, but, uh, man. Okay. Well,

I'm excited for this year's. I bought a scary new mask. Yeah, sure. And I'm going to kill Ethan. Well, should we get back to the old show arena? Oh, I bet we should.

Okay. Jay Keith, do you know what I love more than the trivia, comedy, and celebrity guests on our podcast, Go Fact Yourself? No, what, Ellen? Sharing all of those things with an actual audience. Yes, well, lucky for you, Go Fact Yourself is back to being a live audience show. Woohoo! Yeah, we've got a free recording coming up on January 15th in Los Angeles and February 11th in Pasadena. And if you can't make it there, all of our recordings will still be available as a podcast.

Twice a month, every month, on MaximumFun.org. Yeah, no excuses. So if you're not listening... You can Go Fact Yourself. Hey there, it's Annabelle Gurwitch. Yeah, no excuses. So if you're not listening, you can go fact yourself. Hey there, it's Annabelle Gurwitch. And I'm Laura House. We host Tiny Victories, the 15-minute podcast that's about the little things. Getting into the tiny victory frame of mind is about recognizing minor accomplishments and fleeting joys. Isn't it a wonderful day when the first password you try actually works? When it's freezing cold outside and toasty as I'll get out in my shower, my tiny

victory is that I turn off the water and get on with my day. We can't change this big dumb world, but we can celebrate the tiny wins. So us on maximum fun or wherever you listen to podcasts let's get tiny overheard overheard it's a segment where uh you know if you see something or you hear something say something and say it here on the podcast. And we always like to start with the guest and hear an overheard. Ryan, do you have one ready to go? Yeah,

I think it works. It was like, I brought up earlier how we did a show down in LA. This is like probably 12, 13 years ago. And I was, we were all pretty hung over, I think.

And like, I think we were a day or two away from the show still. So we were just like shopping in LA, loving ourselves. We're all like in our, I think. I think we were a day or two away from the show still. We were just shopping in LA, loving ourselves. We're all in our mid-late 20s. I was wearing a trucker hat because trucker hats were kind of cool for a while. I had it backwards.

I guess, though, it officially wasn't cool anymore. It was past its prime because we were in the store. I overheard this guy going, I don't know if he knew I could hear him, but was like look at that fucking guy trigger hats aren't even cool anymore and i was like just the right amount of hungover that i had balls so i looked over and i'm like i can fucking hear you dude and he just kind of like looked at me and like you know squimmered away or whatever he was all embarrassed but like yeah that's basically it harsh yeah yeah yeah wow

i mean it's cyclical they'll come back and i think they're i think they're coming back i do yeah i watched a documentary about because that company was avon dutch yeah yeah i watched like a whole document he was like uh he was like a race car guy he would be like classic auto he did classic autos he had a rat tail in fact my dad yeah holy shit um dave do you have an overheard well barely uh this is an overseen and maybe this is like a common thing that's everywhere and this is the first time i saw it that i have the feeling that that's the case but i just saw a um you know like when someone's learning to drive they have a there's a special car yeah that's two two yeah the driving school uh has a car and uh on the back like on the

side it said the name of the driving school on the back. It had the like stickers for new drivers. And then, uh, it also had a sticker on the back that said honking doesn't help, which I think is a message to drivers. That's like, by the way, you're, you're, you're scaring me. Yeah. But also it's not, uh uh i won't go faster but it's also so scrambling when somebody honks at you and you're just it's like and i think people do it for fun i think people see that you're learning to drive and they'll like honk at you to put you off your game even more yeah you definitely uh yeah it's man everything about learning how to drive was so

frightening i mean once you know how to do it it seems so intuitive but when you're first you're like the gas is so sensitive and uh you're gassing and braking so fast and yeah and they're like change lanes and you're like what are you asking me to do? You're asking me to like change the space-time continuum. Yeah, exactly. You're asking me to defy physics. Merging would be so scary to me. Merging, yes. Still, I don't like the merge.

And when I was learning, they didn't test us on highways. Like there was no highway portion of the test. So it was, uh, I, I didn't need to drive in a high on a highway for years. And like the first, the first time I went to LA, I was like,

Oh, you got to rent a car. I'm afraid of highways. I had like pre printed out all the map quest, uh, directions. I would need to take surface streets between the destinations. I knew I was going to go.

Nice. Yeah. Smart. Smart. I was like, even as a young man, I was a dad, a born dad.

I printed out map quests. Uh, yeah. What, uh, what's, uh, you're over there mine is is very on the edge but uh this is an overseen and this is at uh the drugstore uh in the card aisle the uh little you know different cards for different seasons and uh there's just a uh you know a rack that's humorous just get everything all funny yeah it's like uh you know anniversary

cards to birthday cards to holiday cards all funny yeah all in the funny column and i saw a uh a lady with two cards in her hand. And I think we're like, which one, which one? And one of them was a big bang theory card. And the other one was a parks and rec card. You gotta get the parks and rec one for sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But it depends on the, on the recipient, you know, those are two very different types of uh of humor i'm sorry for your loss it is cool that they they still make they don't have any like current tv shows represented in the card section yeah your tiger kings and your

your white lotuses and whatnot current tv show tiger kick um what the the humor section is very humorous because they know that uh men with as they get older they golf and they fish yeah and that's it and that women as they get older they drink wine and their breasts sag yeah those are kind of the go-to yeah joke models yeah the card universe um yeah and like there's a lot of funny ones that have like a chimpanzee on it or you know that whole kind of type of card but i just this person was like i know network television is something they're passionate about but which is are they more cbs person are they an nbc i think there was a third what was the third one that i went over after and saw parks and rec

big bang theory and uh seinfeld seinfeld oh good yada yada yada on the front and then you opened up and said you're old so that's the main note of his act wow still making money still making money man has anybody ever gosh i'm sure somebody has but like remix that into a dance oh yeah you're in the clubs Ryan yeah I've not heard that but the way there's a lot of drag queens right now doing the white

lotus theme in their oh yeah like the second season because the second season it's more of an opera it's like the same theme song but it's just a little more I guess Italian yeah as an opera singer and yet all the same theme song, but it's just a little more, I guess, Italian as an opera singer. And yet all the drag queens that I've seen on my social media are doing that song all over North America.

It's a banger. My parents would always want to skip the intro, and I'm like, no! This is like the best part! It gets you into it! So I made them watch it a couple times. But they didn't love it as much. That's the rule with friends. I have to watch the whole, the whole intro.

That's given that intro. Have you seen White Lotus, Graham? I saw the first half of the first season and then just, just fell off of it. I was like, never went back. I,

there was a few things like my general rule with anything is like one season's enough. And then I'm usually vindicated and then normally like I don't even hear people talking about season two of any show but this is an exception I was like okay people are talking about it I'll watch it

season two is better is it? I think so yeah it's debatable Ryan oh yeah maybe now we also have overheard sent into us by people all over the world really well if you want to send one into us it's spy at maximum fun dot org and uh this first one uh katherine in chicago i was at target and there was a group of eight teen girls doing some Christmas shopping. Eight teen girls? That's so many No that isn't

number eight teen girls Yeah there was a group of eight number teen girls Yeah one of them got separated from the group so she shouted Marco and the other one replied polio pretty cute

do you guys ever play that when you're a youngster at the pool yeah who's uh dave marco polo no but i know it yeah you know it from from around from culture yeah from culture yeah from season two of white lotus i learned about it there you know it from from around from culture yeah from culture yeah from season to a white lotus i learned about it there you go my friend steve's mom or his grandma had a pool and we'd go there and then his mom was charlene but she was like she was really young too and like kind of hot and like athletic and she'd become a shark lane and she'd jump in the water and like pretend she was a shark and when we'd go we'd scream and run away from shark lane that's great yeah it's a fun bit and then she always used to smoke weed with my dad and i don't think my mom liked that yeah yeah does your mom feel left out is that why

well what were her shark lane's intentions that's true it's like yeah right she's such a hottie too she was yeah and she you know uh your dad's reputation preceded him. The coolest guys around. This is true. Um, this next one comes from Allison. This, uh,

this fits into the whole, uh, drive, drive car motif, uh, overseen in the parking lot of the worst grocery store in Somerville, MA. What's MA? Massachusetts. Maryland, Massachusetts, uh, seen in the parking lot of the worst grocery store in somerville ma what's ma massachusetts

massachusetts uh car with one of those bright yellow baby on board decals but except it said baby up in this bitch this is pretty good that's a new twist baby baby up in this bitch yeah baby up in this bitch uh not bad right kind of fun kind of uh uh just a fun new twist you know in the last episode we talked a lot about canadian pronunciations of uh you know avocado avocado avocado yeah uh decal you said decal i did say decal yeah and even coming out of my mouth it felt like this is not this is not the usual way is it decal yeah decal i i'm okay with decal i think it's a nation we can move on to decal i say i say deckle i think you say deckle yeah yeah well maybe that's why you were able to go do a show in la yeah yeah there you go'm going to be flagged immediately as there was,

uh, like a survey that I read that said like Canadian accents were trustworthy that we sounded like, but do you think that's how many different accents does Canada have? It's more than just, uh, like, it's not like Norway where everybody has the same accent.

It's like, depending on what area Hey Norwegian fans prove us wrong call in with your different accents I mean I think Vancouver people sound the same as Toronto but I think Newfies obviously sound way different and then Quebecois yeah they all everyone but us

I find sounds fucked up yeah oh the people from Newfoundland they'll hate you for saying Newfie too I find sounds fucked up. Yeah. Oh, the people from Newfoundland, they'll hate you for saying new feet too. Oh, I can't say that.

I mean, I don't want you canceled. Yeah. Also he's a listeners. He's doing new feet face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh boy. It's a, I don't want to describe it. It's, you know, when, when you see it, I'm owning it.

I don't care. This last. You know it when you see it. I'm owning it. I don't care. This last one comes from Graham in North Carolina. Is it me? Am I in North Carolina? I was recently perusing the wares on AliExpress when I stumbled upon a recent review

for a belt I was looking at. This belt, the review said, this belt is very effective at what I bought it for in brackets, was looking at. This belt, the review said, this belt is very effective at what I bought it for, in brackets, carrying my sword. Yeah. You know what? If it suits the purpose, then it's a good buy.

It's a good, you know. Do you need, does the, boy, I don't know if either of you are the right ones to answer this, then it's a good buy. It's a good, you know, do you need, does the, why? I, I don't know if either of you are the right ones to answer this, but your sword, it goes into a sheath into a sheath. Yeah.

And does that have like a, a, an attachment to a belt or is that a whole thing? He, I've always thought of it as an attachment to a belt whenever I like see swashbuckling in movies feels like it's an addition

sometimes they have like in old movies they're wearing like the belt over their shirt and it's like a poofy shirt yeah and then there's the other model is on you have one on your back you pull it out like a samurai sword or something like that. I like that one.

Yeah. What is your, each of you, your favorite type of sword? Do you like a medieval? Do you like, uh, uh,

you know, a samurai? Yeah. Samurai is ninja. The same as like two on the back. Like, uh, is that what snake eyes had?

Yeah. From G.I. Joe. Yeah. Uh, there's, you know, there's also things like you know your machetes and your uh uh oh yeah scimitar and ulu like these are scimitar scimitar is the one it kind of like looks like a moon like a crescent moon it's uh it's oh yeah okay uh from maybe the like who knows like the 17th century or something like a long time you're getting it so called out by so no no how do you how do you know so much um i've just been around it's been around for hundreds of years yeah

you're highlanders yeah yeah oh yeah it would get so boring if you were just around for i mean it'd be cool because you're like remember when you were allowed to do this and uh and not anymore now it's impolite to chop somebody with a scimitar um and you're like people would be like oh i gotta wait so long for a new season of succession and you're like people would be like oh I gotta wait so long for a new season of Succession and you're like actually it's but a blink of an eye but yeah so there you go that's all my overheards in addition to overheards that are written in

we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's 1 spypod1 like these people have If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Chris calling from Brooklyn, New York. So last night I took my little daughter to see the Rocketball Center Street History, right?

Big deal here. And we walked up, it was very crowded. There was a kind of, like, stereotypical Russian woman that was next to us with, like, long blonde hair or fur-trimmed parka and stuff, and she's there with a man and she's kind of frowning, and I hear

her say, um, this is why I'm saying we need to go to Russia. And the man kind of says, like, oh, what, you guys have, like, big, big trees there? And she says, uh, oh, what, you guys have, like, big trees there? And she says, yes, to me, this is nothing. Okay, thanks for the show. Off I go.

The trees are so good in Russia. This is your puny American trees. Also, what's the look of a, he said it looked like a Russian person. He said long blonde hair and fur trimmed parka yeah i mean that to me like i'm picturing bridget nielsen oh i'm picturing a winter winterized anna kornikova oh okay yeah i just uh uh those are the main those are the main russians i know trying to think of a third all the rocky movies yeah there was bridget nielsen and there was what's dolph lundgren wasn't he russian too yeah oh yes yeah they were they were a couple they were yeah they were doing a russian face

but also if you said stereotypically russian i would think they'd have one of those big yeah that's true the big fur hat hat. Yeah. Big Russian fur hat. Anyways, we wish Russia the best. Yeah. They're doing... Wait a minute. Do we? Do we?

No. No. This is... Sorry. This is like the first political stance we've taken in however long we've been doing this show. And if you don't like it, send your comments. We generally don't like Russia.

We don't like Russia. You can send your complaints to bazinga at cbs.com Yeah. No, no. Russia's cool. Look at me backpedaling. Bazinga. Just, you know, Russia, chill out.

That's my advice. Next phone call. Hi, Dave. Just chill out. That's my advice. Next phone call. Hi, Dave. Hi, Graham. This is Chris in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. I'm calling. I'm doing some Christmas shopping at a Target, and I was walking into the music aisle,

and I heard a younger man in his 20s talking to his girlfriend, and they're walking away. And he says very forcefully, Mariah Carey's basically dead. Alright, thanks guys. I'm on my way. Not. First of all, the sign off is off I go.

What did he say? He said, I'm on my way. So. Alright, thanks guys. I'm on my way. Okay, we'll see you soon. Yeah. I'm on my way okay we'll see you soon yeah I'm on my way Mariah Carey's not almost dead she's as vital now as she was when she dated Nick Cannon

and she's great she's great she's the queen of Christmas right guys I'm not alone on this she's not even 50 yet what do you mean she's dead is she really not even 50 no i think she's like 48 okay shit did she have uh children with nick cannon one of the 12 yeah twins okay let me uh educate you guys she's 52 oh she is yeah oh um nick cannon 42 whoa and nick cannon did we talk about this a few weeks ago he's got like 15 kids i think it's 11 or 11 or 12 and the most recent

kid was 12 because and he's got i think i think he might have three or four under a year old like this this is happening fast like he had he had two with mariah carey waited a bunch of years and then he's got like the rest of his kids are under five yeah and he was like saying to himself like you know what i like having more kids that's my thing i'm gonna dive back into it i'm gonna have so many kids i wonder where he stops i wonder what number he's his magic number is 13 probably pretty lucky the 13th kid yeah yeah i mean as long as you can still afford them and you still like having sex then go for it yeah that's good like as long as that that's all it takes to be a good dad just uh affording the kids and yeah get them

braces and maybe a little disney world little disneyland whatever one you and uh you know just be there yeah move them all into one big house whenever kids will take care of each other yeah just just the canon of us whenever people ask if i was like how my growing up was i go well we never went on a vacation but we all got braces so okay okay because braces are pretty expensive so i just let you know and but did your dad have like good insurance is that why races were maybe um he didn't have travel insurance that's why we never got to go to disneyland or hawaii or anything and here's your been since okay did you ever go oh yeah i went to disneyland when i was like 20 yeah i went to white a couple times um i mean yeah it was okay i'm not a huge disney guy and i don't love kids i'm actually a huge disney i'm getting there oh i'm uh gonna get one of those

uh like a lilo and stitch yeah like a yeah like a varsity jacket that has all the gang on the back yeah with uh mickey embroidered on the sleeve wow that name you're pretty cool yeah it's a it's an impulse buy that you have to justify yeah but my accountant is like we can write this off my accountant's uh being crooked is actually yeah yeah, he's in jail for fraud. But here's your final phone call. Here we go. Hi there, gentlemen, guests. Charlie out of Chicago.

I, well, we, the city, we're getting quite some winter weather. 50 mile an hour winds. They say category three level hurricane winds, et cetera. Anyways, watching all that out my window, and I saw somebody walking his dog, a little Yorkie terrier, and it blew away like a balloon. The dog's fine, but he did have to get it out from the street real quick while it was peeing and hold it away from himself.

And then he tucked it under his arm and ran back into the building. Quite the sight. Overseen is what that is. All right, gentlemen, off I go. I'm on my way. I can picture this cartoony yeah I can picture it very well it feels like something that would be out of like

a French cartoon blowing away like a kite well that was good I'm glad that the person survived the storm I'm glad the dog did yeah this dog God love it well that brings us survived the storm. I'm glad the dog did. I was doing. Yeah. Yeah. This dog. God love it.

Well, that brings us to the end of this year episode. Ryan, why don't you tell us all the things where we can find you, what you're up to, where, you know, where can people get an eye on those wigs?

Oh, yes. So I live in the West end of Vancouver. If you want to come by and borrow any wigs, it's to be $10 rental fee. And I'm going to take your name and number down. So I make sure I get it back. Cause I always lose them.

Please follow Ryan and Amy's show on Instagram and on TikTok. Our JFL show is February Thursday, February 23rd at the Fox Cabaret. You can find our tickets on the JFL website or just Google Ryan and Amy's show, JFL. And please, after you listen to this beautiful podcast, give Poor Little Thing a try on all streaming platforms with myself and Miss Amy Goodmurphy.

Now, tell us, is it Poor Little Thing or Lil Thing? Lil. L-I-L-I. You Poor Little Thing. What is the concept of this show? The concept. Just the two of you being fun people? Yeah, it's like the first half of show is basically me and amy just bantering

and talking about our last week and you know funny thoughts we've had whatever and then sometimes we have a guest sometimes we don't we were having guests for the first like i want to say 20 to 25 shows and then in the summer we just did some solo ones and i kind of like those a little better but um yeah so now we're just kind of guest one show no guests the next show kind of thing but then we always get to our poor little thing stories and poor little thing stories are basically it um yeah so now we're just kind of guest one show no guests the next show kind of thing um but then we always get to our poor little thing stories and poor little thing stories are basically just embarrassing stories so like my first story i think i ever told is i was dating this guy back and when i was 29 we've been together for three years and we went to europe and we went to ibiza

i heard of it party time yes and we were like clubbing till like five in the morning at this big gay bar and i was fucking over it. I'm like never been a huge, like, you know, party to like eight in the morning kind of guy, the gay scene though. That's all they do.

And so I was like five. I'm like, I want to go. And he's like, no, no, no, no,

no, I'm staying. So he stayed with Felipe, who was also from Vancouver and he was there. And then they basically started dating right in front of me. And like, they became best friends. And I think once I went for a run in Amsterdam and they had sex when I was on my run.

Anyway, I'm a poor little thing. Cause I went away with my boyfriend he basically dumped me for another guy on our trip holy shit but also he's a poor little thing too because what a fucking asshole yeah yeah you gotta give it to him he's a he's a dick weed yeah he was i caught him smoking weed with sharknade over shark lean a lot of poor little thing stories involved as people shitting themselves. It happens to be...

Shitting themselves? Always. People come on and they're like, oh, one day I did this, and then Pooh came out. And we're like, ah! That'd be like Pooh content. Poor Little Thing.

Yeah, okay. And if you've never seen the Ryan and Amy sketches, they're so funny. Very well worth following on, on your socials. And thanks for being our guest. Oh,

thank you. It was a real treat. Thank you for having me. I was very excited. Dave, do you have anything we got? No, I just want to say everyone that,

yeah, you know what? I love you all, I guess out there and, keep getting love. Keep getting loved by me. Uh, yeah.

Uh, keep getting love. Uh, I'm on my way and, uh, come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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