Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 774 - Ivan Decker

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Comedian Ivan Decker returns to talk serums, seven movies, and Downy Unstoppables.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka, and he's Graham Clark, and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 774 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who has a real appreciation for your flavored sparkling waters, Mr. Dave Shumka. I don't. I don't like most of them. I think you misunderstood the pre-show conversation. I don't like most of them. Ivan, is our guest oh boy i really tipped it uh he's drinking a spin drift which is one i i kind of do like but uh ultimately what i will you know i'll defer to uh water i just like regular water cool clear water right and actually

you would vancouver boy yeah we love our water up here. And actually, you know what I've been doing lately? I'm not even trying to kick it, but I'm off my afternoon coffee. Oh, wow. Okay. I just don't crave it. It doesn't feel like a treat anymore, so I'm just... Whatever you've gotten rid of, I've picked up.

Oh, no. Now you're having doubles? Yeah. Nice. What times? Well, three, four o'clock something like that like if you're doubling it are you doing one at three and one at four yeah or sometimes they do one at noon and then one at three what is what is your full day look like coffee wise i wake up i have a coffee just one and then i have one around noon and then i have one around three or four can't have one around noon because i'm i mean it doesn't go with my grilled cheese

yes uh well i eat coffee cake most days for lunch so it goes very well that voice that laugh you know it he's been here on the show before he's one of our all-time favorites it's mr ivan decker everybody uh hello gentlemen it is such a treat to be back i can't believe 774 isn't that insane and you were on probably four i think yeah i think it was on like one of the single digits for sure yeah yeah and we gave you shares in the company because we couldn't afford to pay you i actually i actually pulled a marlon brando and got rid of the shares in order to pay my alimony so I received no money

oh man you know who else got rid of shares? Sonny Bono I mean to say that he got rid of shares get out of here, hit the bricks share hit the tree Sonny okay wow alright we're cooking now Get out of here. Hit the bricks, Cher. Hit the tree, Sonny. Okay.

Oh, wow. All right. We're cooking now. Do you want to get to know us? Yes. Get to know us. Ivan, you are coming to us live from Los Angeles, California. I am, yes.

Is L.A. as fun as it appears to be and as fun as it appears to be when you're on vacation there? Or is it just go normalsville if you're there all the time? L.A. is fine, but it ain't home. To quote Neil Diamond. It's, yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's like a normal city, kind of. Yeah.

Not according to the montages you see in movies. There's a bunch of freaks on the beach yeah i mean that's that's true there's freaks on the beach yeah uh it rained this week that was like the big deal in la it's like rain it's been rainy normally it rains like two days and everybody like it's like snow in vancouver like people just like stay in and they're like i can't go out um but this week has been like uncharacteristically rainy there's been some flash floods and stuff this is your time to shine yeah you know you're rain yeah you're mr gore-tex yeah i'm driving no no problem you know full speed aquaplane hydroplaning yeah hydroplane yeah um aquaplane is a plane that i'm developing that lands on the

ocean oh cool me and sully selenberger are oh yeah all right you could get him to be the spokesperson yeah yeah he's into it he's like i'm hooked i got i did it once i just yeah i love landing on water. Now, are you familiar with the classic, I think it's a 70s song called It Never Rains in Southern California? No. Oh.

That's a lie. It is. I mean, it's true. Like most of the time, it never. It's by Albert Hammond Sr., the father of the guy who wears a suit in the Strokes. Okay. I didn't even know there was a guy who wears a suit in the Strokes.

Yeah, he wears a little suit. They were all Jean Jack. No, there's a suit guy, Albert Hammond Jr. Is he wearing like a little kid suit, like a Navy suit? It's a pretty small suit. Yeah. It's usually white. I'm picturing him in a white suit, but I think he has small suit yeah it's usually why i i'm picturing

him in a white suit but i think he has a variety probably no that's cool that is cool um ivan since you last were on the program i i think i believe you were married last time you were on the program but yeah yeah i yeah i think so i got married you got married did you because it was all during the covid times do you get to go on like a holiday a honeymoon or anything not really we uh we had one plan but it was actually during the circuit breaker that the bc government put in so like we couldn't even go god i don't i there's so many beats to this story of this pandemic i forgot that one yeah like this was like when they decided to make

it so you couldn't even travel within the province because we were just going to drive to colonna which is like four hours away we were like we'll get we'll go to wine country it'll be fun and then even that they were like no yeah you couldn't even get to chilliwack and see what that smell is all about yeah exactly so we didn't do that. We did later on go on a baby moon. Oh, fun. Which is what you do. I mean, it's not fun for my wife because she can't drink, but it was fun for me.

You and the baby can. Yeah, me and the baby. We drove up the coast of california in nice so we drove up to san francisco from la and then back around through the how long a drive is that uh we were gone for like four or five days we took it slow like we stopped in big sur and then we stopped in san francisco for two nights and then went up and around through the California mountains. We drove by this lake. Did you do Alcatraz? Yes, we did Alcatraz.

That's fun. I learned about the bird man of Alcatraz. He seems like a nice guy and then you read about him and it's like, no, he's a horrible person. Why is everybody sympathetic to this man? Because he had a cool nickname. Why is everybody sympathetic to this man? Because he's got a cool nickname.

He was like nice to birds, but he was an absolute monster to humans. Yeah, but you're right. The birds really took to him. And I think that's an important thing when he goes up for his bail hearing. Yeah, sure. He's good with animals. But sir, your honor, I have something in common with a statue. Or an amateur magician.-da yeah um so you you went you drove and this is uh what what kind of tunes were you cranking

on this trip is this just a satellite radio situation every yeah i mean uh i had spotify so we just like would do but my wife and I have very different tastes. It's hard to find a middle ground. She really likes. I like everything. She likes country and Western. Oh, OK. I think she really likes songs like I'm more of a beat guy and she's more of a lyrics and narrative person. We famously had a conversation when we first got together.

She was like, I just like songs that have a good story. I'm like, I think you're thinking of books. I think you like books and not music. In the 70s, there were a lot of songs that were stories. Yeah, yeah. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown and such. Pete Seeger, Abbey Yo-Yo. you ever heard the pete seager kids i'm listening to like kids stuff now i guess i'm bearing the lead here a little bit that i had a baby but yes yeah congratulations yes

congratulations sorry ladies he's off the market he didn't have a honeymoon but he still got his wife pregnant a good thing about this having the baby and everything these stories instead of story time you just place one of these uh country western tunes when these pete seger obi-wobi or whatever he's just said abby yo-yo i mean it's like it's the fact that it's a song is very loose he likes okay yeah i don't know what this slow down it's a song and it's a kid's thing? Well, Pete Seeger did like a kid's, like Pete Seeger's story songs. Do you know who Pete Seeger is?

Yeah, he's a musician from the 1970s. Oh, I'd say earlier. He did like, ah, shit. When Dylan went electric, when Bob Dylan went electric, Pete Seeger tried to take an axe to the soundboard he's like a hardcore folk guy is he night moves no who's that that pete seger that's bob seger bob seger okay well close close it was uh yeah it's all differently yeah i don't know uh i don't know anything about pete seager i don't think uh he's a fogey yeah

but he just like he'll tell a story and he'll just be like holding a banjo in it and then he'll be like like at certain points in the story like and then and then he just keeps going like it's really and there's like a little bit of singing in it but it's like and the songs are like eight minutes long i tried to play it for my kid i was like this is so far away from fred penner that i can't but i guess maybe he's like the original guy i don't know yeah you like you've got to expose your kid to his cool music and give him little band t-shirts and stuff as possible you want him to go down the right road of being a music aficionado yeah yeah that yeah like take them to the record store on record store day what cool onesies does this kid have uh so did you get him an alcatraz onesie no no we don't have

an alcatraz onesie we did like maybe one like i shit my pants at fisherman's war i dude it's crazy how many baby onesies have like shit jokes on them like it's all like when i was in atlanta canada i tried to find one that was just like i just want one that has like a moose on it that's like hey how about i'm newfoundland and then a moose but it was all just like there's a lot of moose shit in my fucking diaper it's all that and I'm like can you not have that yeah kids

you know but that's this is the only time you're gonna be able to swear around your kids they'll grow up and understand swear words so really get as many swears around them do some temporary tattoos on their arms stuff like that I should do temporary tattoos on their arms, stuff like that. Oh, I should do temporary tattoos on the baby. I never even thought of that. Yeah, that's what I'm here for.

I'm coming up with, uh, I'm today's parent. You can't even put, like, regular lotion on it. I don't think you should put temporary tattoos on the baby. Mmm, yes. What kind of lotion do you have to put on it? I like baby lotion. Oh, sure. Like, it all says, like, uh, this is safe for babies no i use tough

hand working hands lotion over that like gritty orange stuff that yeah i use lava soap on my kids the pumice yeah um i uh i don't know uh, if I know anything about taking care of a kid lotion wise, is it all one lotion or do you have a series of lotions and gels or. No, it's all, it's all one. It's all. It's all. Yeah. Cause I, that's what I thought. Cause it's a, you know, us grown people, we have a face lotion and a body, which I also did not know until i was deep into my 30s

oh yeah sure i mean uh i don't know like dave's still not on board yeah i use x i use x so that's you just run that all over your body what are you not on board for uh me yeah you oh uh like i'm pretty sure you you could get by with one lotion like yeah i think it's a lot of its marketing just yeah you know aloe get some aloe you want something that has a serum in it though i feel like if you're gonna pay the big money you want what is the serum what do you mean like the antidote when you rub it on your face you can't tell a lie they always in uh marketing lotions and whatnot serum is the word that they use uh like a q10 serum they'll call it and uh you know it's supposed to be a thing but it might just be made like you know when they advertise gas as being like super gas oh sure does this have techron yeah

exactly does this have retin yeah the techron that's what i make sure i have it all my face so the first thing that came up when i googled what is a serum face serum the faqs from into the gloss.com the first sentence of this article you are not alone in having no earthly idea what a serum is yeah that's right that's what the first i love the way google makes me feel not alone is serum a moisturizer yes and and no. Oh, no. See, this is what you get for thinking you can just get away with one lotion. How often should I use my serum? Well, it depends on the serum.

Oh, God. This is horrible. But you, Ivan, you have an entire stanocomedy bit about all the makeups and potions and that women buy and that yeah i guess like men just i don't even know if there's men that use any lotion i think there's plenty contingent that don't i didn't for a long time all that like dove for men stuff wasn't that from the apprentice or maybe it's like a fever dream but i'm pretty sure that like the the whole like male moisturizers and like all the like like female branded like the guys brands i think that came from from trump like from the apprentice i think there was an episode of the apprentice where like they came up with that as an idea it's like uh he's got a lot of really good ideas if you really if

you really sift through his speeches i remember there have been like i remember there was one when i was in college uh people started using body wash with a little poof because there was like an ad with a football player being like i'm a tough guy, but I still have a little poof. Well, here's the thing. If you go traveling, do you have a travel poof that you bring with you on the road? How do you dry out the poof enough that you can put it in your suitcase? Wow. Or do you have to put it in a Ziploc bag or something like that?

I mean, you could put it in a Ziploc bag, but that's no good. It'll get all moldy. You can just use a washcloth, right? No. I see. I don't know how to do that. My sense to do that body you don't know how to use a washcloth no and there's so many hotels that are like we don't have bars of soap we just have because a lot of hotels they just have the three like body wash shampoo conditioner like bolted to the wall and then figure out the why you're sleeping at the YMCA I'm sleeping wherever I'm told I'm sleeping

but I had to Google how to use a washcloth because I never okay and even like washing my face I didn't know that

you could like rinse your face with a washcloth I thought you had to like pool water in your hands and like splash it

like in the commercials I would get water like everywhere whenever I wash my face and my wife was like why is there so much I'm like I die how do you get the soap off your face she's like wipe

it with a washcloth yeah but you know the washcloth is way over there the sink is right here I just didn't know what washcloths were for until quite recently. Dave, are you a washcloth man? Or a poof man? I washcloth

my face. Okay. Yeah. Instead of exfoliating, I just put soap on a washcloth. That's pretty good. Face soap. I have to get a special face soap. Wait, you put the soap on the cloth? I still don't know what I'm doing.

But maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. I thought you put the soap on your face, and then you wipe it off with the wet cloth. That's what I do. What do you put the soap on before you put it on your face? It's like on your hands. You just rub it on and do that.

Okay, you don't just squirt it from the bottle to your face? I mean, maybe. If somebody told me that was the correct way to do it, I would believe them. Yeah, well, I mean, how do you know? You don't know. It's really like that Seinfeld where Kramer doesn't know how to shower and he goes to the gym and takes notes.

Oh, yeah. Do you guys have a thing that you do moisturizing wise at the end of a shave or do you just wash off great you and i don't shave i well you you look like you're you're shaved a little bit it's back no it's back okay ivan uh yeah i'll moisturize after yeah after a shave i have i I use an aftershave lotion. Oh, really? Oh, so you do have special lotions for different things. And it stings. Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Is it a lotion or is it like an alcohol-based? I think it's got a serum in it. Yeah, it could be a serum. It's got the blood of my enemies in it. Yeah, that'll keep you young the blood stays on the blade i like uh there's for a long time there were commercials where it showed how much the blade could go around like a circle or a bend in your face oh you really got rid of that when

it hit the ball or it was like yes yes yeah you can shave a kiwi if you wanted to yeah it's like or like it was like a weird orange uh piece of marble yes yeah yeah and that used to be a really big selling feature that it would move with your face but also you could move your hand with your face yeah and your face also moves yeah and you can like i haven't shaved in a long time but i do i i got good at it like like stretching out different parts of the skin oh yeah yeah i've gone down to one i'm a single blade i do the like uh like the old like the uh i don't know how to describe the razor blades other than like the thing you could kill somebody with a straight razor blade like the ones that like depressed teens get a tattoo of because they're like ah like it's got the slot in the middle and you put it in

and you screw it on and it bends a little bit yeah yeah this is terrifying what a terrifying straight razor like a knife like it's like oh it's a safety razor thing yeah yeah but it's like it's so much cheaper it's like you get you can get like a hundred blades for 10 bucks and then you just instead of like you know i don't even the like mock three blades are like 60 bucks for like four and they would keep them yeah they keep them like in a special thing that if you if you open up the flap at the drugstore an an alarm goes off. It just yells the whole time, like, there's a guy over here! He's getting one!

Everybody look! He's getting the one that moves around the ball, so we can all assume he's trying to shave his balls. This guy right here. A lot of the stores down here, you have to ring a little doorbell at the Ralphs for a lot of different products like lotion like

you press a button on the yeah like and then an employee comes and opens it like it's behind glass and the employee gives a big sigh okay i'll get this or they just don't come like forever yeah yeah that's the new not working is the new working yeah yeah they're quite quitting they're quite quitting what's everyone doing like i guess everybody's got like a side hustle that's like the thing like when i meet like anybody i talk to now i'm like what's your job and then what is also your job yeah i think i've been quite quitting uh most employment I've had my whole life. If it's like doing the bare minimum, showing up just a minute before your shift happens, such that kind of stuff.

Yeah. What's the big side? How will I know if you're quiet quitting this podcast? You'll just see me fade out of the camera. Like Marty McFly. Yeah. He can start seeing the background. His legs disappear first. we wouldn't know if marty

mcfly is like starts disappearing and it messes up the whole space-time continuum what does he care yeah well he wants to get back to jennifer i know he does but like let's get back there because there's like a greater like is the whole universe gonna implode if he doesn't get back uh well no it's not his problem anymore his parents won't meet if he gets back and that's why he won't exist but yeah but then how did he go then he wouldn't have been able to go back and that's true it's a conundrum yeah and at the end of the movie he's got that truck and he's jennifer and him are gonna go camping that. That's basically Martin McFly is going to lose his virginity is the undertone there, right? You think

he got that truck and he was a virgin? Yeah. You think they'll sell a virgin that truck? What kind of truck would you sell a virgin? Ford F-150. They do a lot. They sell a lot of those divergent and then they drive real fast and tall and loud and they have a little decal on the back of calvin peeing on the words getting laid yeah there's like the aggressively celibate. It's like whatever the opposite of incel is. The voluntary celibate.

We hate it. We hate sex. Get it away. Wasn't there promise rings or something that said that you would, as long as you had that ring on, you would be a. Oh yeah, it was like a Jonas Brothers thing, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it wasn't like a loophole where it's like, well, I did some stuff, but I was wearing that ring the whole whole time so no i don't think that's how that worked i did some stuff and some serum came out but i don't know what that is can you get pregnant from serum you can if you're in a hot tub with somebody you can even get pregnant from the pre-serum i heard we gotta watch out oh man i love i love uh this was that in sex ed class was that one of those questions where it's like there are no stupid questions in the the like anonymous box do you guys have that oh i had the box and the teacher immediately called me out because she'd recognize my handwriting it was not anonymous i recognize all your handwritings she's like ivan why'd you write this i was like hey i thought this was a safe space ivan why do you come to the first

why don't you read this for the whole class yeah okay take your pants off yeah okay ivan you spelled burgina wrong oh man that uh did you guys either you guys have a kid that wasn't allowed to be in the sex ed class and i'd be able to sit in the sex ed class and had to go sit in the hall? No. No. There was one. There's one in my class.

Religions? Don't know. Maybe just strict parents. I don't recall if it was, but parents who were like, we can't wait to have the talk. We've been waiting all these years. Yeah. We don't want you blowing it. We got a whole plan about how we're going to reveal it. We're going to show him the movie Basic Instinct.

He'll have questions and we'll be there to answer. The day he realizes Santa Claus doesn't exist, we're telling him about sex. Do you know what your parents are doing while Santa's in here? Blimey's kissing Santa Claus and that's not all. Get the chart uh yeah did you either you guys have the chat or did you just leave it at school school board's discretion oh my mom's uh sex talk was uh as soon as i had a girlfriend for

the first time she just was like I think she was dropping me off somewhere and like as I was getting out of the car she was like you know about AIDS right that's her parting shot and I was like yep and she's like alright how old were you

I think I was 18 yeah you probably got AIDS from your girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah, there was songs about it in the 90s about not getting AIDS. Also, there were songs where it was implied. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's talk about sex. Waterfalls. Yeah, waterfalls, exactly. Yeah, and then I've mentioned it before on one of the salt and peppers albums. There's a skit at the end that a bunch of kids wrote about getting AIDS. And, uh, if you put it on shuffle,

that'll just come up as a track. Like it's not attached to the end of the album. No. Oh, man. Is that the inspiration for the movie kids yes that's a show you could show to a kid and be like this is this is what it's out there so don't even try it's that was yeah that was a scary one yeah that all take place in one day i think so i don't remember i like

a weekend i think it was over the course of a weekend. Because they had to wait for their results. Yeah. The two girls. It's like the real promiscuous girl gets off fine. Promiscuous girl. That's what that Nelly Furtado song's about. Yeah.

It's about kids. The movie kids. It's about. Everything really is about the movie kids. Rosario Dawson and Chloe Sevigny. Is that who's in it? She's in it. I think Dawson and Chloe Sevigny. Is that who's in it? I think that's who it was. Yeah, Chloe Sevigny is the...

I don't remember. I saw it once like, you know, 25 years ago or whatever. Yeah, I just remember one of the boys like slaps his dick back and forth on his body. That's pretty good. Nobody gets hurt with that. That's kind of a fun. And you usually see it from behind, I think. Or it's like implied.

It's implied off screen. Dick's laughing. Perfect. Yeah. Now, is that an instinct like a dog shaking off rain? Do we just inborn note to do that slap thing and it's funny? Or do we mimic it from somewhere i think we learn it from the movie kids yeah um so ivan what is uh what is your

favorite thing so far about being mr dad oh it's pretty great um i'm not really sleeping which is kind of insane but then it's like it's a weird thing to go through i mean dave you know this it's like you get to a point where just suddenly you can function without as much sleep like you're like oh i got five hours that's pretty good i feel great now i guess i i don't know if i ever got up i never really got much sleep to begin with like before kids yeah i mean that's the thing my m sleeps a lot my wife but i was like i was always a night guy anyway and uh and now you're a morning guy too yeah well no i i think we've we're still doing it like i'll i wake up at night i do the night wake ups and then i'll sleep in in the morning for like a couple hours you're on the

graveyard shift drinking a big thermos of coffee yeah uh but it's i mean he just started like smiling and laughing which is like the best thing ever i think my kids just stopped they started and then Dave did some new material yeah so far there's no consistency yeah do you do your hour from your Netflix special

or just put it on the background just have it yeah yeah no he doesn't know i just steal material because uh yeah he can't he can't call me on it yeah steal material from trash truck and whatnot yeah and uh pete sneaker yeah it's just a lot like i just sing uh uh because you have to like i'll try to sing to put him to sleep and stuff so it's like a lot of just like singing at someone who's screaming at you like yeah they're just yelling at you and you're like hey there delilah or whatever the flame light teas yeah yeah i don't remember how this song goes it's a lot of making up songs for sure well does he like more a beat or does he need a story uh i think he needs a

story i mean i need a story or else i get bored so i've been singing a lot of marty robbins gunslinger ballads yes okay yeah um don't take your guns to town that kind of stuff yeah big iron you take big irons a big one um the the el paso which i didn't know it's a song that starts with like down in the west texas town of el paso which i don't know if you guys remember used to be in the commercials for old el paso taco shell yeah absolutely that song is about a man like murdering another man and then going back to town and also getting shot to death so it's like very funny that just they just took the first line the second lines too he falls in love with a mexican girl yeah he falls in love with a mexican girl yeah he falls in love with a mexican girl and then subsequently becomes jealous shoots a man down who was hitting on her

has to flee then comes back to find her and is killed riding into town but that's implied in the salsa when you taste it yeah a lot of tragedy here yeah yeah when you eat our fajitas it's gonna feel like hot lead burning through your body when you get a little packet of flavor powder but like uh i saw a commercial that you know born to be wild was in a pampers commercial and that song was about either being in a bike gang or being on a motorcycle and having kind of a wild orgy of a weekend and uh it's going around, bored to be wild I thought it was about getting your motor running

yeah and heading out on the highway those are two things but it could be about other things I don't know the rest of the lyrics so that would be a bad one to sing, do either of you guys know the lyrics to an entire song that you can call from memory i have i know i have now because i've that's what i've been doing i like i'll look up

the lyrics on my phone to a song and then sing that to the baby i actually know only know the skit let's talk about aids from let's talk about they put that on every one of their albums a new remix uh man oh man that'd be a pretty cool claim to fame if you if you were at a party and somebody was like i wrote this the skit at the end of the salt and pepper i did that man yeah i'm just gonna say i did it who's gonna call me on it i've said this before but when uh mike myers got was gonna have his first baby there was like a uh super cut of all these news casts that said yeah baby mike myers is a dad yeah baby yeah baby and i none of them said uh let's talk about shreks baby do they say shagadella because that kind of works with the whole yeah and they said someone clearly made him horny baby yeah see it's got baby at the end it still works this is the kid that's uh an intern at the station

who's pitching at the meetings that's crazy that somebody was famous enough that them having a baby was like on the news. I feel like that doesn't happen anymore. That's like a social media thing. They do congratulations in like, you know, people.com and those things. But I feel like the 6 o'clock news, it's not unheard of if

like, you know, the voice of Shrek has a baby. If the love guru has a baby we had a pool going and we were surprised shrek was the first one to have a baby um how many babies does donkey have he's probably got eddie murphy yeah does he have a couple kids oh yeah life donkey real life eddie murphy yeah real life eddie murphy does he have is he a guy that has kids there's too many chords on my keyboard seven seven kids wow wow seven kids can you imagine doing what you're doing now but seven times i mean if i had his money you don't need to rate you don't need to raise anything yeah do whatever you want we talked about this last week yes you do

we talked about it with Nick Cannon you can't just like that's not being a father I'm sorry sure but it's like you know how like you certainly you wouldn't have to wake up at night you could have a night nurse

you could get a full 8 hours of sleep somebody would go in and feed the baby and put it back to bed okay i'm i'm now seeing it's 10 for eddie murphy working on my night nurse is one of them is one of them with uh mel b from the spice girls oh spicy, she was spicy. She was on America's Got Talent for a while. I think she got replaced. She was scary spice, right? Yeah, she was scary spice.

Yeah. Yes, they do have one. Oh, good. Good. Well, where are they registered? I'll send them a related. I want to know what all 10 of these Nepo babies are going to do. They have a 15-year 15 year old so i don't

know if they're registered anymore what do you get the teen that has everything you know what i mean uh get them this is all pepper cd listen to that last track the movie kids i wonder if that movie what is that movie on any streaming service? I bet you that movie is super tame compared to what? Like, cause the teens have had the internet for a long time. So they've seen everything. They can teach me a thing or two. Yeah.

Stop, stop it though. Don't be like, don't like seek out teens to teach you things. Yeah. I don't, I won't seek them out, but if one comes across me

i've been having more and more like not teens but like people who are in like young in the audience which is a new thing for me because i started comedy so you were very young yeah and so now i'm seeing like gen like real gen z authentic like raised on a smartphone gen z smartphone in the crib free range yeah yeah like iphone from birth and like they're scary you know do they what do they like like do they like what you're putting out there what's they what type of comedy they go for they like not expressing anything with their face they're very like stone face like when they laugh it's like they do a lot of this noise like like instead of laughing right they go like it's like a meme laugh like they really don't want to laugh and it's like a very weird kind of i mean and this is obviously i'm painting with a broad

brush here not all of them like that but the ones who have come to my show annoy you maybe makes me believe that i'm just not good at comedy but other people seem to enjoy it so that do they ever say things like lmfao or lol yeah or rofl that's true these kids they probably got their sex education from lmfao every day they're shuffling is there anything sexual in an lmfao song there is a line where he says i'm running through these hoes like drano i know that because i wasn't allowed to play that song at the children's science center I used to work at. Except I would do it anyway. And then if anybody said, I'd be like, no, hose, like a garden hose.

Yeah, you gotta put drain hose, and then they go home and do that and ruin their hose. Garden hose, and then... Oh no, it must have meant to put it through my reproductive system. I'll try that. Ah, Red Foo, and what was the other guy sky blue sky blue yeah uh uncle nephew combo right uncle nephew yeah i was watching the amazing race and they made a big deal about like it's the first uncle nephew team it was like no one cares about that yeah i remember there was i uh there was this guy on survivor named Russell who was like a real conniving

guy, real sneaky guy who got really far when you're on survivor and everyone in the audience hated him because he was dishonest. And then like a few seasons later, they unveiled this new character. I'm Russell's nephew. Oh my God. I like the whole reality TV world is really starting like this season amazing race it was like people from big brother like they're all everything's melding

now they're trying to create they're running out of people they're creating a reality tv cinematic universe yeah um i do you guys watch any reality shows with any frequency or i watch uh amazing race and the great canadian and great british bake-offs okay yeah uh which british bake-off is superior oh by a thousand percent the canadians are just too nice like it's fun to watch and it's fun to see but like the judging is always like like they'll make an absolute disaster of something and the judges will be like well you know it happens yeah that's true it's like judges are nice paul hollywood on the british one it'll be like the most perfect cake ever and it'll be like it's chalky bit dry yeah yeah yeah yeah man i can't imagine see their

soul just crushed it's great can you imagine serving him a piece of deep and delicious it'd be like gordon ramsay like when gordon ramsay would try i started watching uh hell's kitchen from the very start i actually have a a real uh longing for like the early years of reality tv like yeah because people didn't want to be influencers like they just they did they knew that it wouldn't like make any like it was just this season this is it so yeah or if they were a chef they wanted to like oh this will help me be a famous chef yeah like yeah and even and it's it's sort of permeating into every reality show now that like Or if they were a chef, they wanted to like, oh, this will help me be a famous chef. Yeah. Yeah. And even and it's it's sort of permeating into every reality show now that like people know that even if they don't win, it's like, oh, I could still be an influencer.

So I got to perform. And like the amazing race this season, there was a guy who was he just kept saying like sound bites. Like it reminded me of the Shelbyville nine. Like we're on cloud nine like there's just so much of that as he's driving around and i was like this is infuriating and then same with like the baking show like there's people who get very like they just keep trying to say like funny quips into the camera yeah i i assume they're being piped those in from a writer like so i think they're encouraged to do it but like

the hosts the hosts have writers i mean the british one is great because i think british people are less like that or they manage to find people who like don't want to be stars they're just like this is just a nice person from lancashire kent yeah yeah and then noel fielding is like absolutely hilarious whereas the canadian one it's like everyone is in such a hurry to get a laugh. It's like watching a bad improv class. Like the hosts will go up to the contestant and be like, so what are you making? Ah, just chocolate because I love chocolate.

Ha ha ha ha. And it's like, oh God. I watch a show called Chopped. I've talked about it on the show before where they give you random ingredients. You have to make a dinner or whatever out of them. They give you Drano, a hose. A hose.

Yeah. Some serum. I made a ruby red raspberry, a foo, and a sky blue. Jeez. But at the end of every single when a person gets eliminated they almost

always say the exact same thing where they're like well I'm just gonna keep cooking and like as if they were saying like if you lose this you're not you're done we're cutting off your hand yeah yeah they do that on the baking show too they're like I'm gonna continue baking it's like I should hope so

yeah yeah yeah. This is, what do you think? Is there a prize? Like the British baking show and the Canadian one, they're so tame. No, there's no prize. Yeah, no one seems to be like, everyone supports each other,

but is it because there's like nothing up for grabs? Yeah, I think they get, don't they get a trophy of plate of some sort? You get a cake stand. And it's blurred out because it's called the Great British Bake Off. But in America, it's called the Great British Baking Show. So they have to blur it out because it says Bake Off. They're like, I bet you it says fuck on it.

It's got the wrong, I don't know why it's like the title is wrong, but. That is, yeah. I never understood. it's like a whole bush bush x situation it's like uh well americans won't understand a den of dragons it has to be a tank of sharks yes yeah exactly i know and i have i had a tweet about like dragon's den and then like oh you did oh my god people were like this good luck well people were like in the comments like what what are the dragons i don't understand dave you talked a couple weeks ago about uh guys that were on our shark tank that were selling these giant baseball hats yeah i've seen them so many times since on uh like videos of crowds there's seem to be guys wearing them so that actually took off,

which was probably the dumbest idea that's ever been pitched. Yeah. It's a comically oversized baseball cap and it's just a lot of fun. Yeah. It's just like, like for Ivan, like it's like, like toad from Mario world.

That's what it looks like. Like that big of a hat. What about the people sitting behind you? Well, they got gotta get some sort of uh you know thing to put up under their bum and that's how they make their real money is yeah yeah does it have a periscope in it no it's just fun it's just a fun it's not even like extra tall it's sort of like a you know those cheese heads it's like if those heads were a baseball

okay yeah i've seen big glove there's a guy who used to be big glove guy at the dodger games oh like a baseball glove yeah he had like a giant baseball glove he's not a giant isotoner or yeah it was a big mickey mouse glove like three fingers a kid glove oj trowell really put those on the map isotoners i don't think i'd ever heard of isotoners before but then they became yeah the first word in gloves is dan marino doing an isotoner ad in when he's kidnapped in ace ventura yes yeah that makes sense yeah that checks out he's doing so many times do you think you've watched watched Jim Carrey's films as a as a youth? Did you just put him on repeat?

I put him on repeat. I like I love. Yeah. Yeah. I think I've seen I'm trying to think of like what the movie I've seen the most times is. Good question. Good question. Yeah, I don't.

Probably the Big Lebowski because like my brother and I used to watch it like every weekend yeah yeah yeah but what jim carrey won did you watch the jim carrey won the most the mask i think the mask good yeah i think i own the one i've seen the most oh yeah yeah i think i owned that too i when i was a kid we owned back to the future 2. And none of the others. So I've seen future too. It's a good one. So many times. It's got scenes from the first one in it. Yeah, exactly.

Which I had not seen the first one. Like, I think we just got to on tape somehow. Like I think someone bought it for us for Christmas. And so we just watched two. then i never like i saw the scenes for one and was able to sort of pick it up and then that weird ending where they like and then there was an ad on the on the yeah for the third movie and i had a a collection of all four all three on vhs that came with a fourth vhs where kirk cameron answers your

questions about back to the future for some reason is the hoverboard real no will there be hoverboards in heaven uh oh man that's funny the bonus features is like kind of not a thing anymore with streaming services. Yeah. Yeah. No, like you have to, you have to still have like a blu-ray player if you want to see any of

that stuff, which is weird. It's weird that streaming services don't have the one and then the one with the talking track or whatever, you know, them or just like bloopers. I just want bloopers. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, we great bloopers after a horror movie where you just see the guys coming in too soon with the knife and everybody laughs well and like toy story 2 had bloopers but they're like yeah animated bloopers yeah that movie rules the blooper for toy story 2 would be like ah fuck the hard drive got deleted yeah oh one lady had it because she had a backup wasn't that a real that was the thing that happened right

they deleted the whole thing that's right and somebody just randomly had a copy of it that's how it works that person should get an Oscar I've had the same thing happen but with much smaller scale yeah i've definitely

had stuff get corrupted and then like i mean it's like when you're like i had a writing pack i was putting a writing packet together and i like wrote all these jokes and then like there was a cloud issue and it just deleted the everything i'd done unfunny and i was like so angry this is not up to cordon standards yeah there's hardly any carpool karaoke yeah that's what you submit in your writing bag with uh i don't know katie perry peep seager we could do yeah bob zelen goes electric car yeah oh man um uh dave what's going on with you my friend friend? Well, hello. Hi. Hello. I am a guy who notoriously never goes to see movies. Right.

I just, once the kids go to bed, I go to bed. So, like, I never see anything anymore. Yeah. But there was, uh, three days where Abby took the kids to her parents' house after Christmas. And I went on a rampage. I went on a,

I went on a six, a three day, six movie spree. Wow. Holy shit. That's amazing. That's like a film festival amount. That's crazy. I guess it was seven.

Cause I, I'll tack on a seventh. So I, i i in the movie theater i saw four movies i went like i did one day where i went back to back uh i saw them banshees of inishirin oh yeah yeah good please save your questions till the end oh sorry yes and then there was a palate cleanse which which was? I saw The Menu. Okay, I don't know what that one is. What is that?

Oh, you'll like it. No questions, please. No questions. Oh, sorry, yes. Till the end. Wait, is that the one where they kill the? Okay, sorry. I saw Triangle of Sadness.

Oh, yes. And I saw, what was the other one I saw in the theater? Oh, Tar. So that's four, is that four? That's four in the theater. Four in the, oh tar so that's four is that four that's four in the theater and then on the the streaming uh or yeah i saw glass onion yeah i saw fletch oh the the new fletch the ham the new fletchch. The Ham. The new Fletch with Jon Hamm. Oh, there's a new Fletch. Thank God. And then I saw a horror movie called Barbarian.

Oh, I saw Barbarian. Do you like horror movies very much? I do, which is very new to me. Do you watch them before bed? Yeah. Oh, I couldn't do it. I was like, I want to see this movie, but I'm going to wake up. The kids are going to be home at 10 o'clock in the morning.

I'm waking up at 6.30 to watch this movie. Yeah, I'll watch a movie, and then I'll watch an episode of Chopped, and then write the bed. It's too scary at night. Even at 6.30 in the morning, I was like, I should have waited until it got brighter out. Very little horror happens

in the morning hours, but you'd be surprised to that daily grind. Depends on the weather. What if it's rainy? Lots of horror on a rainy morning. Which one of the movies did you like the best? The answer is Tar

I love Tar I don't even know what it is Explain Explain Express yourself Cate Blanchett is a A Like a

Orchestra conductor Okay And The whole movie Is you know She's not a good person But in But She's very good at Being an orchestra conductor And like the movie is, you know, she's not a good person. But she's very good at being an orchestra conductor.

And like the movie starts with a 15-minute interview with her. Like she's being interviewed. Like it's, you know, my genre of movies, people sitting down and talking. Have you ever seen, what's that one about the guy who's talking about concrete the whole time in the tunnel? Oh, is that the one with daylight? it daylight with sylvester sula no it's uh tom hardy right that's tom hardy and he's driving a car the whole time he's driving a car and it's the whole movie the whole movie is on the phone and then a lot of it is about him pouring concrete so i think you would like it very much okay, I'll just Google those words together and try to figure out the title. It's like a one word title.

It's called lock. Yeah. Lock. That's it. L-O-C-K-E. Okay. Well, Tar,

uh, it starts with 15 minutes of her being interviewed, like by a guy from the New Yorker in front of an audience in New York. And it's like, it just a hoity toity lecture crowd. And I was like, Oh, this is going to be the thing that I watch forever.

This is going to be like, if I've got half an hour to burn before bed, I'll put on the, let's put on the star guitar. Oh, wow. It's that good. All right.

But it is, it's like, it's exactly up your alley. Like it's the, yeah. Yeah. She mentions the Vancouver symphony orchestra. Oh, nice shout out. Unless she says that it sucks does she say that it's no she needs a new assistant she's going well someone's been working with auto tots of the vso and it was a real guy

you googled as you were watching or do you save up your questions till the end thank you and then i was oh yeah but then i went to the guy's instagram and i was like to see if he knew that kate planchett mentioned him in this movie of course he does it's the only movie about classical music in 50 years is that an amadeus yeah double feature at the drive-in anyway tar rules uh that's number one that's my second favorite the new fletch oh yeah that's i love i love the books and uh john hams he seems like he would good flex you haven't seen it though graham nope i didn't even know it was out i heard that it was coming out but yeah i had to pay to rent it but you know

what's i only knew two of the movies you said i've never even heard of tar no i mean you gotta see tar i gotta update my oh the avatar that's what he means he's shortening yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you guys oh you guys say the whole word avatar? Tar the way of water? I only watch movies on airplanes. Yeah, that's a good place to watch them. The way they're meant to be seen on the tiniest small puzzle. Watch it on your phone. On my phone on the plane. Yeah, because they never show porno in the regular movie listings on the plane. Well, I just don't like being interrupted by the pilot.

I haven't heard a plane announcement in a long time. Nice. Yeah, that's the plane. I just don't like being interrupted by the pilot. I haven't heard a plane announcement in a long time. Nice. Yeah, that's the way. Since Sully. It would be crazy if one of the categories on the plane menu was like after dark or adults. Yeah.

Full penetration. They give you like a little divider. They give you like a little like divider they give you like a urinal divider you can put over between you can you put it in between the cracks in the seats behind you that's where I'm watching I'm not watching

the person next to me I'm watching across the aisle I get so distracted that's why I can't do anything but watch something on a plane because I try to read my eyes are just drawn to like everyone yeah oh i get so distracted that's why i can't do anything but watch something on a plane because i try to read my eyes are just drawn to like everyone else's screens i'll be like reading and then i'll just look and be like yeah king richard looks good yeah the gray i remember watching a guy watch the gray that like liam neeson wolf movie oh yeah like trying to read

and i was like i don't want to let's see what these wolves are up to you don't need you don't need sound for this movie no i watched the movie marry me without sound and then i watched it with sound and you know what i liked it better without what's marry me jennifer lopez is a singer who accepts owen wilson's proposal of marriage. Of Mary. Yeah, but he doesn't fit in with her high-power lifestyle. He's just a simple teacher. How are they going to make it work?

They do, though. Well, maybe, maybe not. Of course they do. That's tough. He's cute as a button. No, Owen Wilson dies halfway through the film. He's killed by Steven Seagal. Yeah, you don't see it coming.

It really blindsides you. Did you guys ever see Executive Decision where Steven Seagal gets sucked out of the plane? No. I saw Under Siege 2 where he dies like right away and everyone's mad. Because he's like... Oh, does he?

Oh, really? He's like in... Because Under Siege 1 was like starring him and then they made a sequel and then I think they got him on board for the sequel but then he dies like 20 minutes in well if he gets a full paycheck out of it he was a yeah he was

he was also like the star of executive decision him and Kurt Russell like they were the faces on the poster and then he just gets sucked out Yeah, he was also the star of Executive Decision. Him and Kurt Russell, they were the faces on the poster, and then he just got sucked out of the plane. I think, you know what, I'm suspecting that this may be because he's so hard to work with. What do you mean? I hear he's cool. Might end up happening.

They probably just cut him out of movies. Didn't he invent a new martial art that you don't have to get up out of your chair to do? Sitsu, it's called. Oh, man. Yeah. He plays a chef, right? In the first Under Siege?

Yes. Ex-N Navy SEAL Current chef Okay Has there any You watch a lot of Cooking reality shows Is there anyone on

Any of those shows That's an ex-Navy SEAL I watch a show That's explicitly that It's all High performing People that have to cook Stew underwater

Which is really hard Because it kills everyone They're only allowed Like a hunting knife to like do a whole dish it's it's great i love it okay what's it called navy seal kitchen it's not very original and uh oh the host that's kind of like gordon ramsay yells at them and he gets stabbed in the first episode he keeps getting his neck broken it would be great if it was just like yeah instead of a it should be a drill sergeant yeah yeah instead they just get like jeff probst and pretty boy i've been watching uh

hell's kitchen from the very start because that's on Prime. Oh, I enjoy that. I enjoy that. Yeah, going back to the very... It's like Ramsey really knew how... He knew the formula to make reality TV. Yeah, he still does. And the formula was swearing. Yeah, belittling the people that you're in charge of.

What are your favorite early, early reality shows? Because you mentioned that before. I like The Amazing Race and Hell's Kitchen. favorite like early early reality shows because you mentioned that before uh i like the amazing race and hell's kitchen okay yeah i guess so yeah yeah you said all this uh graham you i didn't watch i never watched the what's that one where it was just people in a house there was wasn't even like a contest it was called like the life or something like that oh well the loft the real real world yeah that's oh sure oh yeah the lofters i forgot about them the lofters were canada's answer to the real world

oh no it was but it was the first show that was like streaming 24 7 at u8tv.com u8tv.com that's right yeah wow and then some of them went on to be like journalists. Yeah. One of them is a sports. One of the women is a sports reporter. Jennifer Hedger. And, uh,

one of them is a redheaded journalist woman. Hmm. Could be anybody really for CNN. I'm out of green gables. Not a lot has happened on PEI. This is Snorkmating. No, wait.

Little May. Never mind. My. Guys, so those are the seven movies I watched. What was your least favorite? Not like one that was just bad, but what was the one you didn't connect with the most? Boy, that's tough. They were all good. You know why? There's

no losers out there. That's good. What did I see again? Glass Onion. Tar. You know what? Glass Onion was maybe the one that was stuck with me the least. Yeah, it didn't blow me away

it had a little bit of that sequel bloat I think yeah Ryan Johnson is he's dangerously heading down M. Night Shyamalan where it's like it's gonna get harder and harder for him to find a twist and then

it's just gonna get dumb and the audience is expecting a twist and then it's just gonna get dumb and the audience is expecting a twist yeah yeah um i haven't seen it yet but it was watching or not so much loved it my favorite of the seven yeah it's definitely worth a watch all right all right i'll wait till it's on a plane and then uh oh it's on netflix right now okay yeah it's on a plane and then... Oh, it's on Netflix right now. Okay, yeah. It's anywhere you want to be. What's going on with you, Graham? Speaking of movies, especially over the last while,

I pretty much watch a movie every day. I watch at least a movie every day. Once in a while, it'll be binging a few reality show episodes, but by and large movie everyday so I forget a lot of them like I see the name of it and I'm like oh that looks cool and then I realize

30 seconds later after reading the synopsis that I've seen it or I start playing it and then 15 minutes and I'm like oh no I don't remember what this is but there was one movie I can't remember what it was called but it starred Daniel Craig Glass Onions Daniel Craig

and I couldn't remember how it went so watch the trailer of it and they show the entire they show the twist they show the entire film they show the only things that are interesting about the movie all in the trailer not like and sequentially like not this all over the place it's like this

happens and this happens this happens um and it was it was really dumb it was one of those movies that you make fun of where you're like she was dead the whole time or you know we haven't seen her in 50 years it was that kind of thing that was a spooky movie it was spooky and that he he was wondering if he was the guy who attacked his family and then the the woman across the street's like no you are you're just in insane asylum right now oh god that's all i need right now by the name of the movie the week i've had it's like a Shutter Island it's worse Shutter Island

it's worse Shutter Island it's at one point he goes down in the basement and because he can hear noises he opens up like a secret wall and there's just a bunch of like Wiccan kids having a ceremony

and you've never heard of this this is in his own basement that he didn't hear them doing hey what are you Wiccan kids having a ceremony in the... Have you ever heard of this? This is in his own basement that he did here. I'm doing... Hey, what are you Wiccan kids doing down here? Yeah, hey, you guys have been coming here for a while, huh? I'm going to make some snacks. What do you guys like? Do you want to get some ants on the log or what do you guys...

Have your parents given you the Wiccan sex talk yet? Well, an egg is placed on the solstice not physically on the solstice on the date of the you're gonna yeah you're gonna want some sage you're gonna want some uh die of newt uh long flowing robe yes yes absolutely i think that must be like a very dangerous thing when you're making a trailer of like i feel like the trail like how much of the movie you reveal in the trailer to me is indicative of how much confidence you have in the movie right like yeah if the movie sucks they're like just put the whole thing in the trailer uh hopefully we'll get somebody in here who wants to see the long version of it yeah yeah it was an unbelievable twist this one

yeah um but yeah uh yeah like i said i've been watching a movie every day so i forget i forget a lot of the ones that i watched the other day i got 25 minutes into a movie and i was like yep that's seen this one before so i don't know if my memory's terrible or is it just the fact that i'm watching one a day and my brain can't hold on to that well you're smoking all that chronic yeah yeah that's right i do get wicked wicked high i get my giant uh six foot bong out and uh do people still do that now that pot's legal it's got a generator you gotta start it like a lawnmower yeah yeah yeah i've seen your bong you brought it down to the farmer's market that time you showed it off yeah like are silly bongs like that still popular or are they like

sleek bongs because the everything's legal now so they've they've designed like a better way is it doesn't daniel craig play sleek bongs bongs sleek bong there's a movie he was in called layer cake and there's l4 your cake yeah that's right and he at one point has the a gun up near his face and they're like that's the one frame that got him the the job is he like yeah he's wearing a tuxedo he's holding a gun we've got our guy um who do you guys hope is the next bond anybody early predictions rosario dawson yeah nice thinking outside the box i want her in every movie i'm not gonna argue with that Boy I'm going to go with I hope he's not too old But

Pope The Pope that just died Couldn't remember his name Francis Benedict I heard he wasn't a very nice guy Isn't his name John Ratzenberger or something like that It wasn't John Ratzenberger but it was like Pope Joseph Ratzinger

But he has a Pope name too yeah right yeah pope uh but rope a dope was what they called you pick any name or do you have to pay is it like a list of names yeah it's sort of a list of names it's like it's like when you create a character in madden and they only have so many names that the announcers can say. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. So our thoughts go to the Pope and the church. It seemed to me that

seemed to me not. I forgot this was a Catholic podcast. Yes. Oh yeah. We'll offer you wafers and grape juice at the end of the podcast. Did that seem like that Pope story wasn't huge? Did you guys hear about it? It was on Twitter.

It was all just people. Well, he wasn't still the Pope. He was old as balls. It's not like they have to pick a new Pope now. Right, they've already got a new Pope. Did you know that he was basically like being held prisoner really like he wanted when he retired from being the pope he wanted to go home to germany and they were like nope nope pope you're gonna spill our pope secrets yeah exactly how do we get get the caramel in our hats?

Caramel wafers. I just want to retire in the Bavarian countryside. No. No. You know too much. You've seen too much. You're a liability. Just give these little Prada slippers over here and you'll be happy. But I'm old.

But I've been basically locked down because I've got the i've got the covid so i've just been watching like chopped i've been watching chopped all the time and the channel what are some like early uh like i love hell's kitchen and uh the amazing race okay those are good i like early amazing race because it's all they're just yelling about uh booking flights like before the internet so it's like very fun to watch them like have to go to a travel agent yeah yeah we're on the traveler's checks and then like as you watch like you know i think it's like season five or six the internet like gets invented so then you start seeing them like try to go to an internet cafe in like

india steam powered and yeah where can i buy a lonely planet guys yes chopped is the one where they do like one ingredient or everybody has the same four four ingredients okay i described it like we're just gonna reach the same thing over and over but because yeah yeah we're just trying to make this really fun for you to edit dave i'm not editing shit man the um uh like the channel that you get food network on shows ads during the stream that just shows one ad at a time and do you ever have they only do one at a time yeah they only show one like and then you go back to the show they just show well it's like when you're streaming and it has the commercial break and they just put what they just plug one ad so it's the same ad for the whole stream right yeah exactly and uh

do you ever have the thing where you know an actor from a particular commercial and then you see them in another commercial and you're like what the fuck you were i was i knew you as this and now you're that yeah that happened before that's the downy unstoppables woman she's exactly the one i'm talking about the one that makes the face where she's smelling something bad she's in a yeah what is she in now it's she's traveling somewhere or something like that something else she's trying to break out of the downy unstoppable's world this is blowing my mind that you've picked that because that's literally what i was gonna say yeah yeah i'm trying to find this commercial that she has a she has a right if you google it's like very hard to find who she is

but like tons of people are like who's the downy unstoppable's woman what Google it, it's very hard to find out who she is. But tons of people are like, who's the Downy Unstoppable woman? What's her name? It's just I remember because she makes such a perfect The Stinks face. That's why she got the gig. She's not smelling anything bad. Is she like a middle-aged woman?

No, she's young. She's in her early 30s, I would say. There's a new commercial where she's like a mom, in your early 30s i would say yeah all right well then i have yeah there's like a new commercial where she's like a mom right this is like with other actors too yeah with other actors just be me and her and the stink and the now there's others around yeah anyway she's memorable enough that she should you know she'd probably get a lot of tv work or something because yeah she's got inside a nation's head so maybe she's got like an iron clad she's like george costanza she's typecast as the down and stoppables i can't i don't know anything i can't

there's too many they make like 50 versions of the same commercials with different people like yeah in the same situations um but you know that's that's exactly what i was talking about so that's what's been going on me i saw that ad do you guys use uh any kind of fabric softener or whatever downy unsuppables is uh no and you guys seen the new thing where they're like trying to get us to sanitize our that's like a new yeah a new thing you're supposed to put in the laundry and on top of uh laundry soap and fabric softener there's a new one now that's like laundry disinfectant this is good put that in there it's like stop that what am i doing what was washing it doing if it's like i wasn't disinfecting it we gotta be honest

yeah our soap was bad um if you if i so there's a name for the kind of product that downy unstoppables is okay do you think you could guess what the like it's not fabric softener is the for example yeah is it like fresh bubbles or something like that is it your odor pellets it's in wash scent booster beads yes yeah of course in wash scent booster beads i'm just picturing her you know smelling that it's gonna be a better way i've used uh dryer balls that you put in there and they bounce around that seems to do it seems to pop up because you're nothing but it's free that's the thing you throw in a couple balls and you get them out it's done you can stuff a dryer sheet in there if you want do you do dryer sheets the anti-static no no i just do it up dryer there was a commercial we saw recently where there's a thing in advertising

which is like the action item or like when you're trying to sell people something that they don't really need which is everything yeah they always have to have something in the commercial that you do like febreze they had trouble making people they had trouble selling it at first because people were like well i don't know if my stuff smells probably not so then they had to show in the commercial a lot of like the pets and like a cigar smoke going into it and then now the new thing with like crest white strips is they have like the kleenex test where it's like you should hold a kleenex next to your teeth to see how yellow they are it's like who the fuck wants their teeth

as white as a Kleenex but if you hold one of those Wendy napkins yeah yeah I do the lemonade test not bad do you guys want to move on

to some overheards okay parenting it's hard but don't worry you're not alone belly up to the low bar with one bad mother and let us remind you that fine is good enough they want to climb on different things and how am i supposed to keep them both from dying? There is a right way to do this. And if I can figure out that right way, I'm going to be a good parent. So that is not a thing. So join us each week and let us tell you

that you are doing a good job. You can listen to One Bad Mother on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. This week on Bullseye, Tom Hanks, as you've never heard him before. Mad! You moron! Thank you for the use of the turn signal.

Way to use your blinker, idiot! That's Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. Overheard. Overheard. It's a segment where, boy, oh, boy, do people say a lot of funny stuff. And if you've heard somebody doing such, send it our way. You can send it in to Maximum Fun. So, S-P-Y, Maximum Fun dot org.

And we always like to start with a guest. Ivan? Yes. You haven't overheard. I do. I was in Vermont for New Year's Eve, working at the Vermont Comedy Club, which is one of the best clubs in America. It's so great. The staff there are fantastic. I mean, Burlington is such a cool town.

But it's New Year's Eve. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Come on, Graham. Say it, Graham. Bernie mean, and Burlington's such a cool town. But it's New Year's Eve. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Come on, Graham. Say it, Graham. Bernie Sanders, right? Yeah, Bernie's there. Burlington Co-Factory? And the Ben & Jerry's. Oh.

The original Ben & Jerry's is there. Shit. That's where the ice cream taster lives. Which one is that? The golden tongue? The insured tongue? insured the insured tongue or an insured is that a real thing i think i think we've talked about it on this podcast before okay well somebody's legs are insured i think we talked about all that we don't remember what movies we've seen we certainly don't remember podcasts we've recorded i only know this because

i got a message from a lawyer afterwards that was like, you know, actually, you can't take out an insurance policy on anybody. I was like, all right. Okay. So Tina Turner's wags weren't insured by Lloyds of London. Yeah. So I was walking around on New Year's Eve, and then I just heard this group group of uh uh gen young people

uh walking toward me it was two girls and a guy and the girl just said uh she's like because my ears got pierced at an angle i gotta go in through the back and every time i do a bunch of shit comes out and then the guy that was with him just went, oh my God. How would that even work going in from the back? So your earrings on the inside of your earlobe? I have no idea. I guess I only heard this part. It depends if she has a, yeah, earring, a stud with a back.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel for this woman. She's a two. She's a two. Whoever did it, Claire's or whatever company does i i got my ear pierced when i was in high school and they did this they did it too high it was like way up there was way too much lobe below and it just looked terrible i got one i had one in high school and it was it was the best i mean i think it got infected at the beginning but then yeah they all really ride it out yeah yeah i saw someone used the expression

something smelled really bad and they said it smelled like ass and earring backs and i didn't know that was a thing that the back of your earring smells bad oh gross i feel like i'm gonna puke just hearing that expression well you know you should try some downy unstoppables just start snorting them little beads um Dave do you have an overheard

I haven't overseen this is so this is from my daughter's journal does it say no dad's allowed on the cover no I So, uh, uh, this is from my daughter's journal. Okay. Does it say no dad's allowed on the cover? No, I, this is Poppy. She's six.

I, I, I help her write it. Okay. Um, uh, but it's an exercise we do every night. She, she has this journal that gives her little prompts. That's cool. And, uh, so, uh, today or yesterday's, uh, she wrote's uh she wrote uh there was so there's three things and i just i like this because it just encapsulates what it's like to be a six-year-old uh the one thing i love about myself and she wrote being cute yeah so she knows pretty good pretty good um and then there's a thing where you uh there's like uh there's five possible faces and you circle today i felt what emotion you felt

um and there's like smiling laughing silly crying and a blank one that you get to fill in yourself. And she did crying and a nosebleed. She drew a nosebleed. Did she have a nosebleed or was that? Well, and then the third one, the third prompt here is something hard. I accomplished recently that she wrote stopping my nosebleed. Hey,

that's nice. Yeah. Well, Stopping my nosebleed. Hey! That's nice. Well done. It's hard to stop a nosebleed when you just want to run around. Yeah, because you got to do that tilt back and put the paper up your nose. And then you have to confront the bully who did it. That's the big next step.

You go home and you shave. Put on some aftershave. Meet Mr. Miyagi. Yes, oh man. Paint a whole fence. Sand. What if at the end he was just a guy? He was just a guy.

It was just homes on homes. There you go, man. You did it. Thanks for painting my fence, sucker. I'm actually the bad guy's dad. Johnny Lawrence's dad. My overheard

comes courtesy of the store Winners. We all know the store Winners. Maybe not in the States. Marshalls in America? Marshalls in America, yeah. Or like Nordstrom Rack. There's a lot of winners tj max this is like the type of store where you go in and there's like one of a shirt or three of a you know mug or whatever there's things that didn't sell at regular stores yeah and they

have a lot of uh pre-done pre-made art that the giant stuff I love if you need to decorate an Airbnb or someplace a movie set somewhere that you absolutely don't want to a porno set that's not your own home yeah so it was I believe a couple

and the woman came tearing out of winners with this quite giant painting. And the man was following behind and I don't know what prompted it, but she said, well, we're not taking it back now. So, obviously they had a disagreement about their

what would be a typical James Dean walking down those broken dreams, something. Just like a big piece of wood that says baseball. James Dean walking down those yeah yeah broken dreams something just like a big piece of wood that says baseball I always try to find when I go to those art stores we have a friend with a beach

house and I just like have a fantasy of constantly buying any because there's tons of that like crappy beach house art where it's like this way to the beach or like a starfish that just says like beach living a jar full of driftwood

yeah exactly bunch of shells glued to a coke bottle it's weird like you don't necessarily have to decorate your place based on the surroundings of your because then my place would have like a small dumpster and i think that should be a rule like the way they do like desert villas yeah it really is like a

or like a ski chalet or a bunch of ski shit on the wall yeah yeah it's i want my house to have a dead raccoon and like yeah somebody who uh picks up cans every hour on the hour some broken sewage pipe my house has pictures of uh the people who live in my house yeah that's good that's a theme that's a theme uh what if you didn't what if you just had giant uh paintings for baseball big weathered it's never like a fresh piece of wood it's all weathered yeah which i'm sure they weathered it up they didn't find it weathered they weathered it in china yeah it's like um i don't ever think about it when i'm wearing jeans but when you see jeans on a rack you really see where they like put in the creases and that oh sure you know like i always felt like you're the one that creates the creases

but they were they're already in your pants when you buy them even this well if you buy that kind yeah that's true now that's all that's available at winners i bought a boxer brief that had a kiss on it. I was just trying to think of like the last time I bought jeans. I honestly think it was five years ago. I buy pants every day. I literally buy a new pair of pants a day. I blow the crotch out of pants like you wouldn't believe. Not even your pants.

I'd believe it. that's just what your tinder profile come over here let me blow the crotch out of your pants um no we also have overheard sent in from people all over the place if you want to send one in, send it to sby at maximumfun.org. This first one, this was Matt from Albuquerque. The other day I was leaving a bar when I walked past a couple of women talking at a table. One said

to the other, it was 15 minutes of talking through the ketamine, 45 minutes of chat. I guess you're getting the ketamine treatment, but it doesn't last a whole hour. So you're like, well, I guess we'll just kill time for the rest of chat. I guess you're getting the ketamine treatment, but it doesn't last a whole hour. So you're like, well, I guess we'll just kill time for the rest of this. What?

But it sounds like the chat is the thing. What is ketamine? They use it for like hallucinogenic therapy. It's also horse medicine. When I was in high school back when i was banging you get in the k-hole somebody be like ah they're in a k-hole let them let them get get

them out of there yeah i used to loiter around the k-hole and i think a k-hole was like you're having a bad trip so you'd have to like There's a guy I play hockey with a vet And we were Talking about like there's a lot of Property crime a lot of broken windows And I asked him as does anyone ever break into His has anyone ever broken Into his like vet and stolen

Like Horse tranquilizers Basically I forget what he Said he said no someone like someone stole something very stupid once like they tried to like uh i think they told us all like a computer monitor they stole a flea collar they're like this will get me fucked up yeah or like rabies vaccines yeah i'm gonna take all these nudicles and then you just see him selling them on the street the next day yeah playing chubby bunny with him uh this next one comes from josh in north dakota i overheard a core work co-worker talking about his son he said i only have two years left

until he's 18 so I'm gonna invest everything I can in him firstly noodles the kid loves noodles Japanese noodles especially we go out often for noodles so that's his main his main goal

yeah I'm gonna invest everything I can in the next two years but mostly i'm just gonna carbo load this kid but like can he not have noodles once he's 18 yeah that's it's a part of a curse and like i don't like have you not like he's sounds like he's been having them the whole time like you're not really like making hay yeah yeah what are you investing he seems like he loves them well that's when he has the talk is over a hot yeah so you might notice you have something like this noodle between your legs have you tried slapping it back and forth yet yeah i mean yours isn't quite as curly.

Well, let me just straighten one out here. Okay. Does that look more familiar? Yeah. And we'll take two wontons here. So,

the sperm travels. Pass me that Chipotle mayo. I'll have it there at a noodle place. This last one is from Scott in Scotland.

That's mostly why I picked it because it's Scott in and scotland uh pretty good uh he's in geneva in switzerland at the moment this is there and over two uh students talking in a bar a lesbian lady is sitting across from me talking to a male friend about breaking up with her girlfriend because her girlfriend cheated they broke up but they can't afford the rent to stay in separate houses so they are staying in the same place they have one bedroom apartment so they still sleep in the same bed but the girl had bought a one person tent for her side of the bed wow i've heard of multiple people going through this right now it's like it's too expensive to move out of your ex's place these days yeah so you gotta get a you gotta get a bed tent yeah you get a bed tent the monogamy of capitalism i would have just slept on the

floor inflation monogamy that's what i'm calling it they know but like the floor is cool but like a tent is fun you can have a little flashlight in there that's true make uh you know shadow puppets and uh he yeah anyways uh if they're still in the bed you feel the weight you may like try to spoon them and they just like hit the side of the tent yeah good yeah cheated now you get the tent wait does the cheater go in the tent or does the cheaty go in the cheaty's gotta go in the tent right no yeah because no yeah the cheaty yeah not the cheater cheater doesn't have fun staying in the tent but then they get the whole room they can look at the glow-in-the-dark star stickers yeah those are nice no but inside the tent

I have a little orb that shoots a boom oh yeah one of those a little whatever little disco orb galaxy on my ceiling I can't wait to get one of those it's so fun to get to buy all the kids

things I'm trying to picture what a one person tent looks like. It's like it's all circle, right? It's just like a sleeping bag, but taller. I'm picturing it like a straight line, like a military triangle. Huh.

Well, now I'm I want to know. Alright, well Scott and Scotland, go back to Switzerland and find this woman. In addition to overhears that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh.

Spy pod one. Like these people have. Dude. Hello, guys. It's Kurt from Newfane, Vermont, calling in an overheard. I was in Greenfield, Massachusetts the other day at a gas station, and I walk in and one cashier was saying to the other, they always want that now. They always want that. And I'm just trying to figure it out.

I'm just trying to make it make sense. First and last month's rent. Now, first month, I understand. But last month, I wasn't here last month. How is that any of my business? All right. Have a good one. I love that.

Yeah, that's pretty good. That's like classic comedy. Yeah, that's like something you'd hear Joey say on Friends. It's like, yeah, that's good. Do you guys, do you have to do first and last month's rent? Oh, yeah. Yeah, because when I came down here, I didn't have any credit. You don't have credit when you immigrate to America.

So I had to give like three months in cash. I just had to give them like a lot of money. Wow. Holy shit. And they were like, all right, fine. You can stay. Can I have credit now? No.

No, no, no. No credit. Yeah, for me, it was always like first month. No, you just pay rent and you pay damage deposit. Yeah, the damage deposit was always like half of the of a month of a month's rent has anybody ever gotten their damage deposit back when they

move out yeah no no I inevitably do something that's not like not trying to wreck the place but something where I'm like wow that's broken and I'm not fixing it I like scrub I clean the walls

do you do the blinds I hate cleaning the blinds we played at a place we had a place once where the landlord was like go to this blind place and have the blinds cleaned oh that's smart they like had a

form for when you move out like here's the carpet cleaning place uh you'll get your damage deposit back and you'll you'll spend pretty much all of it only costs the same amount as your damage deposit it gives me peace of mind when i like because cause like, uh, I tried to screw in something. I just like took a bunch of plaster off. So just like, like for me, I can sleep at night.

Cause I'm like, that's already paid for. Yeah. I bought those holes in the wall. Those are mine. Next one. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests.

This is Bethany from Austin, Texas, calling in and overseen. I am just leaving the parking lot of my local grocery store where the vehicle next to me has a bumper sticker that says Walmart without art is just wall. Yeah, that was a little funny. Anyway, off I go. A little funny is exactly what it is. Yeah, and I feel like that would be a fun shirt to give to somebody named Art upon his retirement from Walmart. That'd be fun. That's good.

Do you think that was a Walmart campaign? Like, when they were selling that kind of home art? Oh, sure, yeah. It's like, we really want to promote this kind of home art and we want people to know i feel like everybody on the reality show 90 day fiance has that kind of uh winners art yeah yeah well it's because they're all single men who are like i have not put anything in my wall and apparently a woman is coming to see my house. I've lived here

for 10 years. The walls have been blank. I looked up art in the phone book. I wanted to get my damage deposit back but I never put anything on the wall. Never put anything on the wall. Alright, here's your final phone call hi Dave Graham and very attractive guest

this is Joe from St. Louis I was just in Target looking for the cat treat aisle and I overheard a man say to a child hold on Jordy I gotta go smell something for your mom.

Well, off I go. He's probably smelling those in-wash scent boosters. Oh, yeah. Scent beads. Scent beads, exactly. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of things in the store that I'd like to smell, but

it looks down upon to open up. What are the best smelling things in say a target do they have like shampoo and stuff like that yeah marshmallows bag of marshmallows you ever smelled a bag of marshmallows oh sure that's that's the smell is better than the taste i would say yeah when i worked in the grocery store that was a big to get to be the guy who cut open the box of freshies fresh marshals nice that was a coveted position you guys have both seen the the experiment with the kids in the marshmallow yeah yeah that very

cruel rude experiment there's the one that my favorite one is the kid kisses one of them what is it if you if you i'm leaving you here alone with a marshmallow and if you if you don't eat it you can have three years yeah you get more marshmallow but there's they don't all the kids say you get more it's like something no they do they know because that's that that's the thing do they just go like fuck i'm gonna eat this marshmallow like it's a you know uh kind of a willpower versus won't power i've definitely seen versions where they don't tell they just leave them with a marshmallow they say don't eat it and they don't actually say like why are they doing so many versions of this i don't know it's

like an easy experiment to run yeah and it's big hot chocolate it's always trying to create more marshmallow content. Yeah. I feel like hot chocolate, I think of Rice Krispie Squares. I think they're the main marshmallow consumer. Like what else? Cereal. I feel like cereal. Yeah, Lucky Charms.

S'mores, absolutely. They made s'mores on the baking show. I don't know if you guys know, I watch a lot of old reality tv oh what like which ones like i like the amazing race and hell's kitchen um but they made s'mores on the baking show and it was uh they didn't use like hershey chocolate and graham crackers they used a digestive biscuit with chocolate on it and then put a marshmallow in between and then i tried that and it's the fucking best

it's so good the whatever the Hershey campaign to make a s'mores hat like the the marshmallow is so hot it'll burn your mouth and yet it will not melt a little square

of Hershey's like it is the worst I've never had a s'more I enjoyed yeah you gotta try the digestive biscuit hack I will yeah from across the pond well that brings us to the end of this here episode

Ivan thank you so much for being our guest it's always such a great experience so much fun oh yeah thanks for having me I hope you feel better where can people find you where can they see you you're traveling around you're doing shows where can you I'm all over the place I post all

my dates on Instagram you'll find the places I'm touring I've got some dates coming up is that just your name on Instagram yeah it's Ivan W De touring. I've got some dates coming up. Is that just your name on Instagram? Yeah, it's Ivan W. Decker. Ah, Ivan W. Decker.

But I've got some stuff coming up. In March, I'll be in Scottsdale. I'll be in Sunnyvale. I'll be in Dallas. So if you're in that part of the country, come see me. I'm coming to minnesota for the first

time in in may fun i post all that stuff on uh on my instagram and my website as well and uh there's a link there's a link tree go see ivan he needs credit and bring some cool gen z friends yes yes show me their expressive faces yeah who will tell you your show was cringe. Yeah. Tell me it was based. Well, if you're a fan and you're going to go see Ivan, bring him marshmallows and a digestive cookie so they could bring it back to his hotel room

and have a lot of fun. I would love that. Yeah, warm up the, on the coffee maker. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's an old hack. She has a marshmallow and a Keurig. Oh man.

I bet you that would be good. Thank you so much for being our guest. Uh, always a treat. And thank you out there for listening to the show. We love you so much. We've got a deep abiding affection for you out there and we want you to know it. We want you to much. We've got a deep, abiding affection for you out there. And we want you to know it.

And we want you to think about it. Think about what you've done. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and Culture Artist Owned Audience Supported