Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 778 - Ryan Beil

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

Improviser Ryan Beil joins us to talk Let’s Make a Rom-Com, grocery drama, and car batteries.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 778 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who I think sets the record for the amount of pens he can stick in his mouth all at the same time, Mr. Dave Shumka. Okay, so here's the 411. At the start of every show, we take a little picture of us with a guest on Zoom. At the start of every show, we take a little picture of us with a guest on Zoom. And Ryan had a pen in his mouth.

And I said, let's all put a pen in our mouth. And I just went. I went to Staples this weekend and got myself some new pens. Oh, nice. Nice. So I stuffed my mouth full of pens. And then just now, we took a picture. Just now, I took them all out. And I was like, I've just been thinking, there's a lot of metal on those pens there's like a metallic taste no my mouth's bleeding oh shit

did you stab yourself in the mouth my mouth's bleeding like jimmy stewart and it's a wonderful life um is that that is just all of a sudden from the pens? Or was it bleeding before? Oh no, it was bleeding all day. It's been up. Yeah. It was, uh, I got, uh, yeah,

you're going to want to go to your doctor. If you have a nonstop, uh, blood taste in your mouth, we get that checked out. I wonder what came first. People saying that blood tastes metallic or we did before that. We're the first time someone tasted metal. They're like,

mm, bloody, mm, just like blood. like blood yeah also does you know like when you eat a steak or whatever and it has blood and that doesn't taste metallic that's not blood what is that juice some juice gross but apparently it's not blood could have ruled me i know it's bloody it's it's hella bloody it's hella bloody but i've been informed in recent years it's not blood stop calling it blood you're ruining christmas but yeah by the meat council christmas uh that laugh can only belong to one person a favorite here on the podcast his podcast that dave's worked on as well with Maddie Kelly and Mark Chavez, Let's Make a Rom-Com, is debuting on February 14th, Valentine's Day, maybe even February 13th. But let's say 14th is the official launch.

It's Ryan Beal, everybody. Hello. Hey, how are you? Very well. Thank you for having me. Excited to be here. What a treat. What a treat.

You're also, Ryan, you're also ryan we wanted to say we wanted to plug it off the top you're about to go to regina saskatchewan to perform in a play that's right do you have any listeners from the prairies you have one but he's big um and you're the name of the play uh we would love to try it out okay dave you start and then i'll jump in yeah whenever i think i've got i'll give you notes afterwards okay yes yeah sir john a yep ah nope letters from uh no you're wrong just let me keep going yeah uh sir john a uh gentrified ojibwe rebellion those are the big words right yes you got the big words right yeah what was the what did i miss acts of acts not letters from uh yeah exactly not letters

sir john a sir john a letters from a nut it's a ted l nancy play and you're thinking. Sir John A. Sir John A. Letters from a Nut. It's a Ted L. Nancy play. And you're going to Regina very soon to do this, right? On Sunday the 12th. So you're there. Super Bowl Sunday. Nice. I missed the Super Bowl. I'll be in the air.

I'll have no idea. Well, you could probably get the pilot to do updates. A flyby? Yeah. You have the pilot be like, okay, now Rihanna is doing Umbrella.

Do you guys think we should get to know us? Sure. Get to know us. Not joking. Still tastes bloody. Oh, well, sorry to hear that. Don't drink orange juice because blood and orange juice don't go together. Toothpaste and orange juice go together pretty well.

Yeah, toothpaste and orange juice. Toothpaste and blood, not that bad. That's not bad. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. You brush too hard. Yeah, exactly. And you can put like a little mint on a bloody piece of lamb, you know?

Uh-huh. Again, I don't think that's blood. I think when you cook it, it's some kind of meat juice. It has all the trappings of blood. But yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true. It's true.

It comes out of an animal. It's bloody. Yeah. It tastes like blood. If it's not cooked well enough, you're like, hmm, this is blood. Moves like blood. Moves like Jagger. Now, Ryan, when you were last on, it was a year ago.

Mm-hmm. And you were the host of a brand new podcast called Let's Make a Sci-Fi. Correct. And this was a podcast on CBC, and you, Matty Kelly, and Mark Chavez, week by week, you made a sci-fi pilot. That's right. And how did that go? I think it went pretty well all things considered i mean it was a a wild ride uh of us learning basic lessons how to tell a

story yes for three people who write scripts and perform made up plays every week yes it was humbling certainly had its own uh humbling sort of side of things but um it went well people seemed to receive it well which was nice i think people liked sort of being a fly on the wall of the creative process of a true collaboration and us also like fumbling around in a genre we had no like idea how to create something within so have you guys ever been a fly on the wall of any other process have you been able to interesting yeah yeah i don't think i feel like i feel like when i watch people like make a a big holiday meal i feel like i'm on the fly on the wall like oh that's how cornbread is made yeah okay or like when your parents send you up to bed and you're

not sleepy and you sit at the top of the stairs. Sure. I've done that before in my youth. Yeah. When they have people over and such. What was your parents like go to occasion for having people as a birthday or was a poker game or, you know, just like a fun get together with people from work? I think fun get together with people from work. They had various holiday parties, but they would also have people over from work to watch movies, too.

Okay, all right. You know, like have a movie night. That was the thing. Did your parents have a big TV? They did. Nice. Like back in the 90s? Back in the day, yeah, I remember in the 90s, it took a team of men to get it up the stairs.

I remember at your place, Dave, you used to have a giant one of those giant like boxes when they first started making flat screen tvs like high definition tvs they were so expensive but you get a cheaper one that was flat it was flat screen but it was not flat back anywhere else yeah it was and moving it describes mostisions. And it was so like lopsidedly heavy. It was in pot. Like you could not predict how it was going to move. It was like full of water. It was like an Oopie.

Yes. You couldn't take that TV to the backyard and chuck it around. It's going to go crazy. I remember you saying at the time that it was one of the biggest fights you've ever had with Abby was moving this TV. Thankfully, we've had much bigger fights since then. Nice. It was a preview of things to come. Where did you end up?

Did you just put that in the alley or did you sell it or where did it go? I think it ended up, it lasted, boy, what's a long time for a tv to last these days that's a very good question great question five years out at the beginning of the pandemic and that was the one thing where i was like i'm going out and buying a television this will be my one thing that i do that's not recommended because i'm like, I'm not going to go through. No. Who knows how long without a television? Yeah. I'm pretty sure we had the same. We've, we had, we bought a new TV when I was like 10 at my parents' house, but I'm pretty

sure we had another TV that was there the whole, my entire childhood. Was it like, yeah, we had one of those. We had a TV in the basement with a dial that was just there. You know, you could watch VHS on it forever. But yeah, it only went to 10. Dave is very good at remembering what number every channel on TV was. Let's go. I did this a few weeks ago.

Just give me a channel number. 13. 13 was CKVU, UTV. That's correct. 27, 27. Um,

okay. 27. I believe at one point was much music. Correct. But then much music was also 29 at one point. Yes. In Calgary, it was 25,

25 was much easier. 27 is what PBS, KCTS 9, became when Vancouver got VTV. Ah,

27 was TBS in the Clark household. Oh. Yes. But that's not what

we're here to talk about. Ryan, so that was last year. This year, you have moved on from the hosting seat. Yeah. You are now just one of the team. Yeah. And you are now writing a romantic comedy.

Correct. What is your favorite romantic comedy? I would say So I Married an Axe Murderer. Oh, yeah, that's fun yeah it counts i'm glad to find i was going to find out that that that movie counts but yeah i like that i like that there was one big time is it we were so we interview a bunch of experts in this podcast and one of them was as this guy billy murnett who wrote uh just a he's like a strip strip consultant oh sweet oh yeah like on uh show girls and what yeah he's a script consultant but he also um he wrote or he wrote this big book on how to write a

romantic comedy he also uh no one asked but he also wrote the clouds in my coffee line from your survey. Really? Sorry to back this up, but the strip consultant could also be someone who helps you pick out your gym strip. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's true.

Yeah. I'm a strip. Or it could be, it could be some people, someone like consulting with Jim Davis or, um, yeah. Uh,

you know, Kathy gets, you're going to want one more panel in here, Jim. Yeah. Yeah. Or the Las Vegas road. Kathy Kaiswein. Um, you know kathy gads you're gonna want one more panel in here jim yeah yeah or the las vegas road kathy kais white um so was uh did you guys get neil degrasse tyson on this one was he

love wouldn't have happened this way if you if you look at those sources love wouldn't have happened in this situation but when we were interviewing uh billy mernett he uh was i guess he shares his office with some other writers and he was saying that like he was talking about romantic comedies and he was saying uh you know not a lot of people think that uh groundhog day is a romantic comedy but it is isn't that right and he's like shouted out to the guy like across the desk from him wrote uh groundhog day oh wow yeah oh it's totally i just watched it literally on groundhog day The guy across the desk from him wrote Groundhog Day. Oh, wow. Yeah. I just watched it literally on Groundhog Day last week. And it is totally a romantic comedy.

That's all it is. But is it really set up from the beginning that they should be together? Like those two at the very beginning, you're not like, oh, I want to see them get together are you i want i want him to get together with chris elliott i want him to get together with punk satani phil the grandma yeah yeah um yeah i don't know if they said does a romantic comedy have to set out at the beginning who who's going to get up to what with who maybe i i mean i think in the beginning that they hate each other, which is classic romp.

Like, they don't like each other. Yes. How are they ever going to get to a point where they might? So you see the journey. Can I also, this flag, I'd love to talk about the Groundhog Day, the groundhog who died in Quebec City or whatever. Didn't you see that story? Yeah.

Really? No. No, it was. And they still did the event. Fred LaMarmotte. Fred LaMarmotte. Yes.

The Groundhogs do die. It's happened before. I think it happened a couple of years ago with Phil. Oh, really? They just. Just with all the fanfare

and. Well, no, it's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of stress. Yeah. Yeah. They only live like 10 years anyways, which is like, is that a boy? Is that a good long time It's a lot of pressure. Yeah. They only live like 10 years. Anyways.

Which is like, is that a, boy, is that a good long time for a TV? That sounds pretty good. And to answer your question from 10 minutes ago, I think we just took that old TV to electronics recycling. Nice.

Good for you. I think that what they did at the because the groundhog had died they held up a kid wearing a groundhog hat yeah and that kid did not seem to want to be involved well no one wants to do it every year he's their new he has to do it every year until he's 18 yeah have you been have you been an understudy uh no i've never been an understudy wow are you is that your policy no there's just out in in the theater i've done they're just there hasn't been a lot of understudies around like um like you had an understudy i've never had an understudy i kind of have an understudy in the play i'm doing at the moment at the push festival, but that's just the director who we've agreed will come on if anyone,

um, get sick or can't come in. Um, okay. But yeah, I've never like, cause out some of the bigger, like Stratford,

there are understudies and you understood it. You learn the roles and you're there for it. Like big Broadway shows have understudies, but I've never, yeah, I've never been with it. Would the understudy have to be like a utility player to like learn two or three different roles? For sure.

Yeah, you've got to, I think so. And I've been to plays where they say off the top, where it's like, so-and-so is not here this evening. It'll be played by so-and-so. And I'm like, well, whatever. I didn't know any of the person originally. Exactly. What, Ryan, have you ever been in a musical? exactly um what uh Ryan have you ever been in a musical

or are you mostly just straight up talking theater I did a musical called Billy Bishop Goes to War where I did a lot of singing Zach from the Zolas from the Zolas

famous musician are you confident in your ability to sing? No Zach from the Zolas. From the Zolas. Oh, cool. Famous musician. Are you confident in your ability to sing? No. I sing like an actor in that I'll belt it, but I might be on the wrong key. And that play is kind of about that. Obviously, it would be better if the person playing Billy Bishop and all the roles, like could,

you know, carry a tune, but like, it's more about like gathering around a piano and like singing a song, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The feeling behind it. And the sort of like imagining you're at a Legion or something like that, just like, you know, belting it because it feels good. What's your go-to at the Legion? Belting it because it feels good yeah yeah yeah anything by doug and the slugs uh nice who knows how who knows

i don't know that one yeah um what are the big doug and the slugs hits there's that one i just did yeah uh are they knows how to... Making it work takes a little longer. Is that them? Are they... Day by day I'm lasting longer. Oh, maybe. Maybe. Are they...

Let's put that in the maybe pile. Are they too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place first place gosh you're doing a lot of songs that are in similar categories i don't know yeah uh doug and the slugs for people who don't know or a canadian kind of canada's huey lewis in the news yeah yeah i'd say even cooler even cooler out west right they're from vancouver yeah and there's a documentary about them now yeah on uh some service i'm seeing you you can find it's probably on shutter is my most likely double bill with skinnamarink oh yeah i gotta see skinnamarink

have you seen that no no no is that a documentary about no it it's a Canadian horror film that was shot for $15,000. And apparently it's really, really scary and really, really good. You know what I love about a horror movie that costs $15,000? Is you know it's not more than 90 minutes. You can't be. i personally i'm opposed to the uh over two hour movie length of movie um i think hour and a half can any story can be told in an hour and a half yeah um but do you have a favorite like long long long long in the tooth uh movie just trying to think of all the double VCR movies we rented back in like, because you knew it was going to be like

Dances with Wolves was quite as a double, that was a double case. Yes, double case. This is really bringing me back. Absolutely. The double case, how they were bound together. Mm-hmm. And you had to, they, when Titanic came out, they put up a sign, a blockbuster telling people how to fold the

thing so you can, when you return it. Oh, yes. How to get a double movie back in the slot. You had to flatten it out. Yeah. Make it like a pizza. Oh, man. Yeah.

When you were a kid at your off-market video store, what was the system by which they let you know that a movie was out because different like different places had different ways of miming the same thing i think no i had two the classic they would put the actual v vhs you would rent behind the the dummy yeah color yes that was that was blockbusters If there was no movie behind it, like the actual movie you would take and rent to put in your VCR, it would be in a little blockbuster case behind the box.

Now, I think I'm remembering a world where there was a system at this video store which was like a little sort of tag or a badge that would go over the top of the movie, but it would be double-sided. And they did like, it was either green with like a little guy giving a thumbs up or behind it would be like sorry i'm rented with like a coy smile kind of yeah or i would have a should have been here sooner not available sometimes it would have a a mr yuck uh smiley face telling you to not drink it don't drink this movie um the one that i remember is uh

at video world they had a velcro velcro number on the box and you'd take the velcro number up oh sure and if the movie didn't have a number there was it was out that was out yeah i want number 14 of ninja turtles and it made their job so easy. It would be like number 1400. Oh, that's Ninja Turtles. Oh, I see. I thought it was kind of like a deli number where every individual copy has its own number.

Give me 1400. We're a tiny moment pop movie place, but we've got 14 copies of ginger turtles. Well, it was a big movie. It was a big movie. It was a big movie.

I remember blockbusters thing would be like, we guarantee this movie will be there opening weekend. A hundred percent. God, it would be months between when it was in the theater and then when you could rent it. Oh yeah. By the time it came out on video, you're oh yeah i do remember that movie i remember uh like wanting

to own one of those movies back before a video cassette ownership was possible because i remember asking the video store like how much would it cost for me to just buy this off you? And they were like, $300. It's crazy valuation. If you lose this, we're going to sue you. I was, we were talking last week about a bank robbery where someone was wearing

pantyhose on their face. Oh, yes. Yeah. And I mentioned the thing where you like have a uh finger in your pocket pretending you have a gun yes i saw that that was in um uh field of dreams oh is that kevin costner is kidnapping james earl jones with a finger in his pocket and james earl jones is like that with a finger in his pocket. And James Earl Jones is like, that's a finger in your pocket. But I feel like that was a thing that was in a bunch of movies.

I think so too. And then one I remembered, because it also had the face with the pantyhose on it, was a movie called Three Fugitives. Oh, I've seen Three Fugitives. Remind me. Remind me. Remind me. So it is, the cover is Nick Nolte. Yes.

Holding Martin Short and a like six-year-old girl. Yes. Right. They're an odd couple to begin with. Yeah. And they have to have this young person. And I just remember the trailer had Martin Short wearing his what's it called? His pantyhose got torn on his face. Yeah.

That's right. It got split. Which I guess was the risk of the wearing the pantyhose thing. But that doesn't happen anymore. We don't see that anymore. Bank robberies? Yeah. I mean bank robberies. Maybe they're done. Because now it's

crypto yeah exactly exactly thank you three fugitives was that a road trip did they go on a trek maybe well fugitive it implies that they're on the run for sure because i i was thinking about this movie yesterday and i was like oh is it anywhere i saw it's on disney plus and i started i watched like the first four minutes yeah and it's like perfectly set up from the beginning it's like nick nolte's getting out of jail after five years nick nolte by the way so handsome he's got beautiful eyes i've never known him to be a handsome man but and i'm pretty sure i saw this movie back in the day and I didn't like it, but, um,

that feels like a movie that my family and I rented quite a bit. It's like really jogging my, my nostalgia bone. So he gets out of jail at the very beginning. So, you know, he's, he does not want to go to back to jail for sure.

He, I think they give him like twelve hundred dollars for making 25 cents an hour working in jail while he was there and he goes right to the bank and then martin short robs the bank and then takes him with him oh big mistake yeah big mistake big mistake pick the wrong guy martin short yeah is uh martin short is has a very fascinating career that he kind of has popped up in different kind of genres of things but i feel like in the 80s 90s he was doing like wacky movies for sure kind of his yeah pure luck pure luck was in there uh clifford was in there. Clifford, yeah. That's the one. But yeah, Nick Nolte, you easily forget that he was a movie star for a reason.

That people thought he was amazing looking. I've only seen him in later movies where he's like the Hulk's sad dad. Or he's blue chips. He's coaching blue chips chips you wouldn't like me when i'm angry either he said yeah yeah yeah boy you're my son here the hulk you wouldn't like him when he's uh you know going through puberty let me tell you some stories dad i do like the idea of somebody who grew up as having the Hulk inside them and having to reckon with that during puberty. Yeah.

I ripped my dick off. Oh, I ruined my tuxedo for the dance. I threw my date through the roof by accident. Oh, man. Yeah. So, Ryan, what's been going on with you? Yeah. Well, other than this podcast, which people should check out wherever they get their podcasts.

Let's make a run. Absolutely. Let's make a run. Produced by Dave. Dave does such a fantastic job. It's wonderful. Thank you. Flawless.

Flawless. You guys are so funny talking talking making up your silly ideas coming up with bad ideas shooting them down coming up with better ideas come be a fly on the wall yeah come be a fly on the wall i've been doing this play the push festival called an undeveloped sound what is that tell us about it it's a play that's loosely based on faust. Oh, shit. Graham, tell us, give me a quick recap of the plot of Faust. Faust is in it, he makes a bargain. Faust. That's right.

He makes a bargain. And the devil's involved. Don't want that. Yeah, the devil's involved. The devil's involved. And you don't want to, don't make, even if you think you're getting the better end of the deal with the devil, like, there's some kind of small print in there that's gonna,

he's gonna get you. Yeah, that get you yeah that's right get you uh but it's um it's a it's a it's a piece that's really hard to describe if you if you if you don't go watch it because it's it doesn't have a traditional narrative um it's very sort of waiting for godot or um faust mulholland drive faust now faust kind of has more more of a story like that you can sort of latch on to I think

it's a it's a brilliant piece I really love it but it's sort of like you have to sort of figure it out for yourself ooh

I kind of like that it's not going to be given to you it's about lots of things and everything and you know there's certainly like things that you can like watch happen and develop.

But it's not, it's not an easy play. It's not a big inning, middle and end. Yeah, it's not like, oh, the lights are going down. Here's the villain. Oh, here's... Boo! It's not a panda. It's not a panda mind.

What is... I've seen Mulholland Drive. Yeah. Nick Doty as well, wasn't it? No, that's Mulholland drive yeah nick doughty as well wasn't it no that's moholland falls oh moholland drive is uh naomi watts and i'm a mud person there's a mud guy who comes out or is it a woman there's a sort of a mud encrusted maybe homeless person who just comes, comes out of nowhere at one point. Yeah. The best part. Yeah.

I don't think I've, I don't think that I've seen it. It's a David Lynch movie. And I think, Oh, maybe I did try to watch it in the editing. I think he was just like, no,

let's put the scenes in the wrong order. Um, but what are you guys? Uh, yeah. absolutely i think i couldn't i think i got lost in the uh assemble it yourself yeah well i got lost in nick nolte's eyes yeah in a different movie like pools of water right just like a beautiful dive into me blue now ryan you've written plays right and then do you you always star in them or do you have you written a play and then cast it with other people and let them do the the heavy lifting i mean that that mostly i mean i've written i've written plays recently that I wrote a play called

Theater the Play with Mark Chavez from the podcast. Which was performed at Studio 58. I always want to say 54. It's a local acting college here in Vancouver, BC. And it's about, one day I was kind of like, I want to write

a backstage comedy that just makes fun of theater. Oh, fun. Cause it's very silly. It's a silly proposition to do a play, to watch a play. That's true.

Yeah. You know, the whole thing. It's very funny. Yeah. Is there something like the play that goes wrong or something? That's a, that's one that's a,

maybe you've seen noises off. It was also a movie. Oh, noises off. Yeah. Yeah. It was also a movie. Oh, Noises Off. Yeah, yeah. Back in the day, great movie. Is that the one about the Italian couple getting married and they're all, you're like in the play? No.

It's about like a sort of a British sex farce that like. Oh, is that the one about like the cats that all sing? Yeah, that's chaos. No, you're like the cats that all sing yeah that's that's chaos well no you're thinking of cats oh okay which i also love that was the first play i ever went to yeah yeah cat you ever came to vancouver performing in cats and i never performed in cats i i can't sing or dance well enough to ever ever do that but i did but if you were going to who would be the dream cat to play the cat who talks about magical mr mistoffelees ah yes that's a great i don't think i don't know if you i don't think i'd have the chops to dance like magical mr mistoffelees but i think i could tell the audience about him

and his pursuits yeah that's what that cat does right yeah there are the rest of them are kind of talking about themselves yeah and this cat's like you ought to ask mr mistoffelees the original conjuring cat and he tells you all about what he does and he's very magical he's so clever yeah he's very clever he's magical i i don't i mean there's no discernible plot that's not actually cats is there's no discernible plot in cats. You can't hang on to anything. It's like, oh, another cat just out here to talk about some other cat? Cavalcade of cat monologue song.

Did you see the movie? I did. I did. What'd you think? What were your thoughts? I think I thought I sort of went with the general thought that this is bad, but fun to look at. It was fun to look at.

Fun to look at. I thought it was fun that it exists as a major motion picture release. They were going to do this confusing musical. I thought that was fun. Would they be a two-caser or that's a single-caser? Interesting. That could be a two-caser. What's a caser? The Titanic, two cases oh no yeah no cats was short a three-hour movie was at least a two-caser

yeah how come when in the video days there wasn't if it was going to be a two-caser there wouldn't be the movie and then like all the cool you know behind the scenes interviews and stuff like that find out about the other samurai that didn't make this seven yeah long movies from before like now every movie would be two case oh yeah yeah imagine getting the irishman out from uh yeah there might even be a three case are in there yeah i think seven samurais is one of the longest movies ever i think yeah and but great if you want to see a bunch of samurais you know doing their thing yeah getting eating rice while the uh villagers eat millet and then be like i wonder what millet is i'm not gonna stop and look it up but keep it in mind yeah it's

different than rice yeah an ancient grain are they as a millet uh i'm not sure i think it's definitely a grain yeah um uh have you have either of you guys seen seven samurai no i think i i rented it i used to like when i there was a year where i lived at home after college and i had a little tv i had a playstation 2 so i could watch dvds but uh dvds weren't a huge thing yet and you can still rent vhs's and my tv had a little vhs hole yes and i rented like. Right built in. Yeah. Yeah. Nice.

That's nice. And I rented a bunch of movies. I was like, I'm going to watch classic movies. And like, oh, look at these two casers. Look at the Great Escape. Look at both of its cases. Look at the Bridge on the River Kwai. Oh, that's a two caser.

Yes. at the bridge on the river quay oh that's a two-caser yes uh and then i don't think i made it to the second tape of seven samurai which is probably a bummer because i bet the uh i bet it has a good ending like the whole thing's leading up to this invasion that's gonna happen but nah yeah they bring in a third grain like a pharaoh or something like that they bring in a third grain like a pharaoh or something like that quinoa yeah i uh i've had that where i've yeah rented a movie like bridge over the river i remember going and babysitting somebody and like i was like well this is three hours this is the amount of time that the parents are going to be gone. And boy, not getting past 25 minutes, I don't think.

Yeah, so you never really saw the bridge. No, I never saw the bridge. I like that one. That one's good. Is that the one with the whistling? No, that's The Great Escape. The Great Escape. Don't they match to the whistling in Bridge Over Require?

Maybe they do. I think they match to the whistling. I'm thear Quay? Maybe they do. I think they match to the whistling. I'm the wrong guy to ask. I only got 25 minutes into it. Wait, which one is... I'm laughing too much to be able to whistle. I can't do it. Could you ever whistle?

That's not the face of someone who ever knew how to whistle I'm having fun I know you are Okay, gotta pick a different key though Oh yeah, the key's the problem Can I just sing it? Yeah, sure Hum it, hum it, hum it

Yeah Those are different songs I think that's Bridge Over River I do I think that's Bridge Over River I think that for some reason the British soldiers who are imprisoned are like marching and like marching to that song

yeah I worked on a short film as like a grip and at one point everybody in the the kind of crew had to move this giant uh scrim and they had to walk around the house through the alley and i started whistling that on the uh walkie talkies and everybody thought it was so funny yeah let's talk to later about uh not doing that talkie talkie protocol well it's just one of the classic ice cream truck songs don't they do that one dude i know they do the entertainer that's a big one yeah and do your ears hang then

yes i thought about becoming a an ice cream guy like years and years ago but it's apparently super competitive for sure like very cutthroat is it a kind of situation where like you bought the truck you bought the ice cream and you like are you working for a a distributor yeah you rent a truck yeah and then you i think you buy the the the ice cream and then you get 100 of the sales except for minus the rent of the of the truck the truck or the bike was the other ones but apparently it's just like if you go around somebody else's established turf you better be ready to fight for it like physically fight yeah probably oh my god

and you can sneak into onto their turf but let's keep the music really quiet that sounds like a traumatic memory you know like you can't let go of like i saw two ice cream guys fist fighting there was blood all over their white outfits there's spider-man uh popsicles were all fucked up but it was hard to tell because they were always fucked they're always the faces they're terrifying the faces the eyeballs are in the wrong way oh yes they were even there it's like that spider-man ice cream bar popsicle popsicle if it wasn't spider-man then it wouldn't exist like there's no reason to put two gumballs in a uh some it's not like it's not purely a popsicle there's something like gelatinous about yeah there's a cream thing going on uh but i think that you could like that's probably a template of a face that you could turn into many things like i'm sure spider

man could become smurf yeah i think there's a spongebob square panther no i just mean from like as a from a food perspective. It's like, this shouldn't exist. Oh, it shouldn't exist. If no licensed characters existed, you would never make this ice cream. You'd never have a face. You'd never make a weird gummy. With no discernible character, yeah, what's the point?

Just like, do you want a face? Yeah. And some gum balls? Yeah. with no discernible character yeah you what's the point just like do you want a face yeah yeah and some gum balls yeah i felt like if you were getting gum on top of getting ice cream you were winning you were ahead of everyone else if you had like a bubble gum ice cream yeah from like youth um that was a flavor at uh uh baskin robbins i saw that they're gonna open a baskin robbins where did i see it? Somewhere in Vancouver. And I was with one of my daughters and I said,

oh yeah, there's, it looks like they're opening a Baskin Robbins there. It's got 31 flavors of ice cream. And she was like, is that a lot of flavors? And I was like, is that a lot of flavors?

Have I taught you nothing, child? Dave, what's going on with you man oh guys if you notice that everything's all fucked up everywhere yeah yeah absolutely man yeah um i went to uh you know how groceries are super expensive yes have you guys shoplifted at all yes in my life yes you know in the like the last few months of no not last few months no i've dressed as a sexy lady i've stolen uh melons i've stolen lemons i stole a watermelon under the guise of being uh expecting right i dressed as a not very sexy lady stole some lemons and then why it was a super sexy lady. I dressed as Spider-Man and stole two gumballs. No,

there's no wrong way to be sexy. Um, guys, uh, well, what I did today is I stole, uh, I didn't steal anything,

but I bought some mushrooms and, uh, they, I, they charge you by the weight. And I just tore off the like middle nub bit that I don't use. I tore it off in the store. Never done that before.

That's, yeah. Okay. Of all of the mushrooms? Just the ones I was buying. I see. Where did you put them? Where did you put the nubs? Just threw them back in with the mushrooms.

Oh, this wasn't at the checkout. No, this was in the produce department. Yeah. Nice, nice, nice. But what... So, this is partially grocery related. It's also partially related to our bloody meat talk earlier.

So, last week I... I dropped the kids off at school and I had time in the morning to cook. And I was like, I'm going to make chili today. The weather's bad. It's perfect chili weather. And I like making turkey chili.

Okay. So I bought this. Well, actually Abby had bought this turkey and it was ground Turkey and it was very pink and very like the, the singer, right? It was very much like pink it was bad girls it had a bad attitude it was hanging from some silks uh but it was very pink and it

was very noodley it looked like when you you know when you go to walk past a japanese restaurant and they instead of having pictures of the food they have like little plastic examples of the food yes yes i went to a place that's that was their whole business in scotland they sold those things and i was they have like plastic sushi or yeah like plastic noodles with uh uh chopsticks suspended above a bowl of ramen these look like pink plastic noodles plastic ramen noodles this wow this turkey this turkey yeah so it was like it was processed to look like that or it was just like i guess so like normally you buy ground meat it's kind of marbly colored yeah and i was like well whatever it's it's chili you know you don't need the finest yeah ingredients i pour more blood into it as we're making it that's my own and i it was brand new this but i started cooking it and it

was like it's it burnt immediately it was like smelled so bad it was like plastic yeah i could not figure out what was the deal with it i but i kept making the chili yeah i added onions and tomato paste and uh chilies uh some broth some beer i i held off on the beans because i was like that you had those last but i was also like i don't know about this chili yeah yeah they're gonna save my beans it kind of cooked cooked through and it was all settled and ready to go but the house stunk and i was like you know what i'm gonna try i'm gonna make some eggs and put a little bit of chili on top of these eggs yeah and my stomach turned so fast when i ate this stuff wow it was they're just selling plastic turkey now anyway stay away from the plastic turkey yeah watch out for it yeah um do you uh the one thing that occurred to me like the one thing that

you do at a grocery store if i'm scanning individual bananas and i have to put in the code for every banana no no one code one code and we're for how many bananas i want there we go i'm not if it's like the one code for the whole bunch or it's wade that's fine but if i have to uh account for every single banana with code not my job man yeah my job no way you're not here to tally any bananas you're not the tally man um yeah groceries are out of control guys they are um but also like if you sell it's only a bad grocery i get to steal something later yeah that's only fair i haven't stolen anything yet but but you be careful you don't want to end up like a certain prisoner in les mis

you know be careful what you steal even if it's at the heel of bread. Even if it's for your family. Okay? Doesn't matter. Do you guys, when you go grocery shopping, do you like standing around the vegetables when that mister is going? I do. Yeah, I feel like that's really fun. I don't want to pick those vegetables and put them away because they're all soaking,

but I do like being around. I appreciate the whole process. It's really nice. It makes everything feel fresh. Also, I wear a mask in the grocery store, so I like a little bit of water to open up the bags, you know?

Yeah. I need that too. You know, cause I, if you didn't wear a mask, you would be licking your fingers. You'd be licking your fingers all you want. Well,

I remember at the very beginning of the pandemic, people were like, don't touch anything you're not going to buy yeah yeah that's right if you touch it you bought it kind of thing and i was like if sometimes i just need apples on the you know i i can't get the bag open my fingers are too dry yeah i've seen someone i've talked about this on the show before and someone sent me a video of like no you just rub the bag back and forth no my fingers are too dry you start a fire yeah suddenly it'll be turkey chili it's gonna stink like some like i'm cooking a gi joe

uh and then i uh so so now i will go over to like the misting area and touch something that sometimes the metal has some condensation yeah or like the like greens of some uh some carrots yeah no one's gonna eat those greens and if they do they've got what's coming to them kind of yeah yeah um yeah that's one of my favorite things at the supermarket what are your other favorite things bulk aisle bulk is a lot of fun fun yeah you got a lot of leeway in bulk you can you can get up some shenanigans in bulk isle you know yes maybe you put a different number on a little bit uh you know a little bit of a lesser expensive almond you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah there's always something in there like it's crazy that i didn't ever think would be in a bulk

section like jello which is like a big bin of the jello powder the jello powder yeah no way yeah way no way yeah yeah yeah way i mean i love the deli section um oh yeah that um the machine that comes to life that goes the slicer you know the slicer oh yeah does it come to life on its own you have to answer three riddles um i don't know that i love any part of it i guess well you love you love a grocery store sandwich you love that part of it that's true yeah no i love the food i get out of the grocery store i love to eat but like the experience itself i don't want to like weigh anything it is nuts that in grocery stores in the uk uh that the cashiers will sit and in grocery stores in north america our cashiers are meant to stand yeah why why does it they need to stay i was at the grocery

store the other day one uh one of the cashers was on a Peloton. Yeah, yeah. I've had one where they're on a bed and you have to just scan it. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, you know what I like at the grocery store is in the summertime, the living's easy for one thing. Yeah. But they have like a corn shucking station. Yes. Where you can. Oh you can shuck your own corn

you shuck your corn there uh and just they have like a big bin where you put out your corn shucks yeah i will sometimes still go through old old corn that i had i go through old corn i could get my own husks um no like going up to the till and then seeing all those little like you know used to be tv guide and uh but now it's kind of like uh you know adele magazine it's adele oh yeah yeah and then there's like these little books do you remember these little books that were horoscope yeah or the scrolls yeah the scrolls scrolls, yeah. See, I like seeing those. That, to me, is very... That's fun. I had some time to kill in a drugstore the other day,

and they had three separate Harry Styles magazines. Not, like, People magazine with Harry Styles on them. Harry Styles magazine. Three different publishers publishing magazines about Harry Styles. And then one right next to it, Jesus. Jesus Magazine. Jesus is always like, who was the real Jesus? That seems to come up a lot.

Smashing gender norms. And did Jesus get along with Zayn Malik? No, that's Harry Styles. Three magazines with Harry Styles on it. I mean, he sold out 15 shows at Madison Square Garden. Really? Yeah. I feel like, yeah, those might be the same people every time, I guess.

But still. Yeah. It's a big arena. Yeah. 15 times. It's where the Rangers play. Yeah, it's where the Rangers, Knicks, Barnum & Bailey Circus. Is that where

Billy Joel does his monthly yeah Billy Joel that time that's when he plays the clarinet yeah

it's that time yeah we visit from Aunt Flo and Uncle Billy yeah I had something else oh

do you ever get a chatty cashier? Sure. Yes. Oh yeah. Yeah. Cause I go to the same grocery store and they tend, you know, you can't not have a chat eventually if you see each other, you know, once a week for your whole life, it's going to, chat's going to happen.

I had someone the other day say, are you one of the customers I told about my graphic novel? I love that. I love it. No, I do. Can we see this? What's the novel? It's online. Okay.

It might have just been a comic thing. This was a few months ago, so I don't remember the details. I looked them up on DeviantArt. That's a good conversation starter, if I've ever heard it. Have you read my graphic novel? Are you one of the customers I told about it? Yes. No, well, yeah, but

refresh my memory. How's it coming? It's worse. Figure out a way to wrap it up. I need some kind of strip consultant yes yes uh what's going on with you graham well i uh as as uh been established on the podcast i have a car i got a car ryan do you have a car i do have a car yes yeah i never guys we should take our cars out let's go let's

take our cars out and race let's race for pinks or we can just meet up in a parking lot and talk about you know what's going on yeah yeah yeah talk about our emotions and our various normal cars i assume your cars are kind of normal normal cars oh yeah yeah like it's not a muscle car it's not like a vintage car oh no mine's a muscle car it's a muscle car oh nice yeah yeah mine's a vintage car is 2018 vintage mine's for real vintage because it doesn't have a backup camera so that's how i mean either that's what i'm rocking i got a call from the car dealership asking me if i wanted to sell my car back to them so many people want my car thirsty much right what a popular car you had and i was like like that sounds good but then i won't have

a car yeah baby give us one last chance anyway you have a car you say i have a car and uh having a car uh means that a lot of money just goes out into the garbage and never to be seen again. You know, your gas fill ups, your oil changes, tire, you know,

replacements, your bumps and thumps that come up. Absolutely. Yeah. Whatever. The car was somebody tried to break into it and fucked up the handle. Yeah, sure.

So your injury settlement with, absolutely.bc um but a thing that happened to me a few months ago like six months ago was the battery in the car completely died and so i was like oh shit what do you what do you do because i like so i was like i'll call bcaa and there this is this is very tricky how they work because you call bcaa and they're like we'll help you but you gotta sign up as a member so there's no like we'll come and help you out for sure but uh we only do this for members yeah are you not a member i am a joe i am now i had the guy come and jump the car, and it worked then, and then it happened again past week. Car battery died.

Oh, good thing you remember. Exactly. So I called them up right away, and, you know, I don't. Here's the thing. I'll bare my soul on this. I don't know how to jump a car. I don't know where to put the things. I mean, I know that you put them on black and red on one side and then black and something else on the other side

but i don't or is it red and something see exactly maybe i'm wrong right off there so even if somebody did stop by and say hey do you need a boost i'd be like can you can you put it on do you want him to just yeah you're a real man do you want yeah yeah yeah isn't the whole thing color-coded like it is color-coded but the trick is if you put them both on the things it'll it'll explode like it'll uh yeah it's color-coded to explode yeah and there's no way to google it there's no diagram that would come up or YouTube video. But shouldn't I just know? Shouldn't I just know at this point?

No. Shouldn't I? I have a car. I feel like I should know. Yeah, but you have a car from this century. It's like, people needed to know that because there was no way to Google it. That's true. 50 years ago.

But I also, there was nobody driving by that I could have flagged down. So it was just me. And you're shy. And the elements. And I'm shy. Yeah, and the elements, exactly. So I called BCAA. We'll send a guy right away.

Yeah. Sat in the car in the cold. And then the guy shows up. And this guy's wonderful. He wants to chat. He knows all about about cars he knows all about this car and a graphic novel yes he's wondering if you've heard the end of the graphic novel it's about a mechanic you see he's got mechanic powers but he had this device that i've never seen before that that it's like a battery with the two yeah clips like a little suitcase like a little suitcase yeah we have one yeah i saw it and i was

like immediately i'm gonna get one of those and he even said he's like i'm not supposed to be plugging one of these but uh you get one of these for yourself and he's describing all the different models of them i got one after that after the same thing happened to me he was like get one of these for yourself. And he's describing all the different models of the, I got one after that, after the same thing happened to me, he was like, get one of these. So you don't need me. Yeah.

Yeah. And does that mean he's just sick of doing it? Like, come on, don't call me again. I mean, it's probably one of the more boring things they do. Yeah,

that's true. They want a dynamic toe or something like that. Something. Yeah. The, um, uh, so what he said after he jumped it is you have to drive it around to

recharge the battery. I have to drive it around kind of aimlessly. So I aimlessly drove around. I drove into the industrial sector of the city and I realized that it's very easy to get lost in the industrial part of the city and also the only vehicles down there industrial so lots of trucks yeah zipping by and i feel like everybody that passed me is like this guy has no business being down here maybe he's dumping a body or something yeah exactly the uh because the when it happened to me the guy said yeah get one of these things but also

we used to tell people to drive their car around that's for like cars of a certain age like drive it around to recharge it but modern newer batteries don't do that anymore you just just charge it yeah no i said drive it around for And, you know, it's hard to find that many places, unless you go into a different quadrant, like New Westminster or something. Like, just drive around in circles, basically. Yeah, just find a roundabout. Just drive around. Go through the Starbucks drive-thru.

Me again. I want to start one of those things where we pay for the person behind us yeah and there's nobody behind us so i'll just pay for myself yeah here's 50 bucks for the next guy so yeah uh yeah a real man came a fixed car what kind of Uh, we're talking about a Subaru Impreza. Oh, it's fun. Yeah, it's fun.

It's a kicky little car. Um, yeah, it's just, it's, it's old compared to the, the modern kind of standard of cars. It's just,

just before all those things kind of changed with the backup camera and your fancy recharging batteries and whatnot. Screen, a screen, a screen. Yeah yeah there's no screen everything that gps is free what no that's pbs is what you're thinking but yeah my gps does a fun drive every year they'll like interrupt yeah your gps shows red dwarf in its entirety.

They'll interrupt you whenever Ken Burns is jazz document. Um, but it's like, like if you are ever, if your phone, when I, every time I drive to America, I turn off my data, but the GPS still works.

And it's that way because they don't want planes crashing yes excellent excellent reason um yeah i didn't uh yeah there's no in your car ryan how old is your car is it younger than 2015 maybe we're about the same year yeah yeah what about you dave do you have a screen you have a screen in your car screen and a rear view camera so you can you can do maps on there you don't need your phone you can just put in on the map yeah but the maps have the map from 2018 and the streets have changed yeah do you have the option where you push a button and then like your tires are on springs and your car goes up so it can go like over another car and then down yeah yeah yeah yeah and um your gadget

yeah you don't push a button you say go go get spring wheels and that evil dr claw is always trying to stop me and it's cat one time i pitched a show to a production company and uh at one point the guy said he was like inspector gadget has been really good to us because they made their fortune on inspector gadget that's when i knew it wasn't gonna go well oh sure let's just say we pray five times a day to the inspector. Yeah, so if you're ever out there and stuck without a battery jump, get one of these suitcase batteries. I'm going to get one, I say, until I forget to get one.

Because you could plug other things into them too, right? You could plug your nipples your nipples your old tv stuff like that because it got i as speaking of things that are expensive that like car are big car expenses i've been getting parking tickets non-stop for the last six months okay like i think it's you is there a possibility it's you yeah yeah of course it's never because i parked legally but like i usually i've been pretty good at avoiding them over the years but now i get them like uh i'll get i'll just have really bad luck of just like oh i put the wrong number into the app okay right wrong space number and then the the parking meter person gives me a ticket but twice in the last week i have happened upon a parking attendant giving me a ticket and i've walked up and be like oh i'm sorry yeah that's me and they stopped oh i always thought the thing like once they started

writing like that's sort of like a yeah teacher isn't here after the first five minutes we can all leave. I thought it was like I've just lucked out. Okay. Huh, that's really nice. Well that's maybe a little hack if you're just like you own up to your mistake and are nice about it, maybe they want to make a friend. I'm sorry guys.

The one time there were two guys doing it at the same time and I was like this is Yeah yeah what the hell guys they were both giving you they were gonna give you two tickets yeah no they're giving me one ticket but like they were collaborating on the ticket yeah one guy was standing around and talking to the other guy who was writing me a ticket i see hey guys yeah that's me i'm sorry it's probably a pretty lonely job, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

And you do get a lot of pushback from people who don't want a ticket. You know, for every Dave in the world, how many, you know, bad people are like, you son of a bitch. Yeah. And also, like, people, when you see a parking attendant, you kind of involuntarily scowl at them. So I think they're being scowled at a lot. Yeah. And, yeah yeah you know what if you're a parking attendant out there give everybody a break huh is that the term parking

attendant it was meter mate for years yeah well does it lovely read a parking attendant yeah i think enforcement sometimes they have yeah have Yes Yeah Parker Lewis can't lose In Toronto They dress up like They're police Oh really Like they're Like the

The uniform for the People giving out Parking tickets Like they have like A little cop hat And like a little Badge I believe this to be true

Last time I was in Toronto At least Because out here They have like a vaguely Like law enforcement Adjacent uniform Yeah but very High visible Yeah High visibility they look like some kind of law enforcement postal worker exactly yeah like the people who are arresting bad uh posties bad postal work

yeah like military police for the postal uh-huh when did cops stop wearing hats? Cause I feel like that's a JFC. It was a JFK. Yeah. Cause you watch a movie from the seventies or the eighties, they're definitely wearing hats, but then they've been phased out. I guess. Also,

I don't see them riding horses anymore either. What's up with that? Well, they do. If you're, if they're trying to court you, then they'll show up on his back and do a 21-gun salute. As an actor, Ryan, have you ever had to be on a horse?

No. As an actor, no. I've never had to be on a horse. But it is on my resume, even though I haven't ridden a horse since I was a child. But still, it counts. You've been on a horse. I've been on a horse. So yeah, if it ever came up, I'm ready, even though I'm not.

You're ready to get up on a horse and be like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. I whisper to it a little bit. Slow down, slow down. Yeah. That sound, I think, comes into play. And go. Yeah. March.

Attack. But never as an actor, no. Oh, well, me neither. I was like you. I got on a horse when I was a kid. Didn't like it. Found it very, very scary to be on that. They're big.

They're big and powerful animals that like, you know, they might not like you. Yeah, exactly. And it's also. They'll like me. Come on. You know what? If you just be yourself. Yeah.

But that's the problem. It's so hard. They're so hot. Just show them those sweet baby blues i've never been on a horse i don't think wow oh you simply gotta it's it's the best i take back what i said i think it's the nicest you must get up maybe for my birthday this year um this is a small story i have about riding horses because my my both, both of my aunts, my dad has two sisters and my aunts, they're both,

they're big horse people. And my dad. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They're like centaurs? Yeah, they're both centaurs. Big centaurs. We've done this before

with Alan Thicke's wife. And we would go visit my aunt Carol every year and she has a lot of horses and I would ride a horse called Chipmunk. Chipmunk was the horse I, and I would ride a horse called Chipmunk.

Chipmunk was the horse I rode, and my brother rode a horse called Trixie. So they owned these horses? Yes, they were their horses. And then I had my girlfriend over for dinner for the first time, meeting my parents. And I was like, somehow, my dad was in the other room, just met this person. And I was describing, oh yeah my we actually rode horses every summer somehow we got in the conversation of horses i would ride a horse called chipmunk and from the other room my dad went dead long dead that horse is long dead brian it's like

that's not the point of the story whether it's dead or alive it's not like it's just like stop telling the story that horse is dead move on it's time you move on ryan you've got to accept that chipmunk is dead if chipmunk were still alive then none of these crafts would have been glued together so nicely yeah we should all give thanks yes that we now have glue in those weird bottles with the red top the red rubber top that eventually gets glued shut itself yes yeah what's your favorite thing to do with glue i'll start my palm glue my palm and then peel it off yeah that is good i would do fingertips and then separate it you know like with all the strands you know i also was just a big fan of letting it pour out the squeeze white glue out of the top and then

let it dry and then peel that off yeah yeah for sure also just like using a glue gun was fantastic the smell rod through oh it's the best that was good i might do that after this yeah get the glue gun out yeah what are you gonna glue where would you glue I'd just take a piece of paper and glue it to another piece of paper

or something like that you know but I could get into a project maybe make a diorama do with my car yeah make a diorama

maybe glue your battery to your car I don't know diorama oh yeah oh boy do you remember ryan when we were doing uh the wrestling show yes and a bunch of wrestlers showed up and like did a move they did like a uh a whole interaction and do you you remember what we did as our contribution? We made a diorama. So they would smash into it.

And we could say, ah, diorama! And we drew a lot of attention to like, eh, we're very proud of this. What was it of? Mine was of a wrestling ring. And Ryan's was of his favorite scene of wrestling ever, which was Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh, in the ambulance? Yes.

With Vince McMahon just trying to get over maybe a heart attack. Legitimate medical concern. And then Stone Cold Steve Austin, of course, dresses up as a doctor in the surgical scrubs. And eventually just beats him up with a bedpan. I'll take it from here,

nurse. That's right. Uh, should we move on to some overheards? Okay. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Jesse Thorne. On Jordan,

Jesse go. We make pure, delightful nonsense. We were open, awesome Go, we make pure, delightful nonsense. We rope in awesome guests. And bring them down to our level. We get stupid with Judy Greer. My friend Molly and I call it having the space weirds. Patton Oswalt.

Can I get a Balrog burger and some Aragorn fries? Thank you. And Kumail Nanjiani. I've come back with cat toothbrushes, which is impossible to use. Come get stupider with us at MaximumFun.org. Look, your podcast app's already open. Just pull it out. Give Jordan Jesse Go a try. Being smart is hard.

Be dumb instead. Hi, I'm Hal Loveland. And I'm Mark Gagliardi. And we're the hosts of We Got This with Mark and Hal, the weekly show where we settle the debates that are most important to you. That's right. What arguments are you and your friends having that you just can't settle? Apples or oranges? Marvel or DC?

Fork versus spoon? Chocolate or vanilla? Best bagel? What's the best Disney song? We got this with Mark and Hal. Every week on Maximum Fun, we do the arguing so you don't have to. Oh, all answers are final for all people for all time. We got this.

Overheard. final for all people for all time we got this overheard overheard the segment where people flap their gums there's no doubt about it and if you catch a flap and you secure it in your head don't just keep it yourself share it here on the podcast and we always like to start with the guest ryan beal do you have an overheard? I do. I've taken this from Maddie Kelly, with her permission, who I do Let's Make a Rom-Com with, among other things. A friend of your show, Maddie Kelly, comedian. We love her. Absolutely. So let's see if... Anyway, so she gave me one because I saw her before I did this, and she graciously gave me this overheard.

She was on the bus, I believe. and she graciously gave me this overheard. She was on the bus, I believe, and two people were talking, and the one person said, we're playing email tennis right now. And the other person goes, what's email tennis?

And then the first person went, oh, we're just having a normal email correspondence. Yeah, we're both wearing white outfits while we do it. Yeah a lot of grunting yeah it the scoring system is interesting like first you send first you send 15 emails then 30 and all of a sudden it's 45 or whatever it is and you end them with love and then deuce yeah yeah a little boy runs out and grabs my at symbol after every email. Dave, do you have an overheard? Well, that email took longer because it was a clay surface. Anyways.

Here's what's up. No, I don't really have an email. I mean an overheard. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Here we go. Sometimes I wonder whether I have either. This isn't it, but i just also want i am the one i'm gonna say is uh from my daughter but i also would like to just do a thing poppy is six and she loves this chemical brothers music video where uh how does it feel like that one no well we i tried to show her that

one and she doesn't like it as much yeah like michelle gundry's stuff is too weird for me um but i was like do you like this kylie minogue one where she's you know going around the same intersection over and over that i like yes i like yes okay but don't give me the foo fighters one with a giant hand um so she likes this chemical brothers video with a bunch of skeletons i don't know the name of the song oh i know yeah i know the skeletons yeah i could sing it for you i could whistle it for you though no i laughed i don't think you're good it's the one that goes uh hey boy hey girl superstar dj here we go i know that one um so we have uh siri on the apple tv and so she instead of writing chemical brothers out she just presses the siri button and she says chemical brothers and siri thought she was

searching the first result that came up for was twinkle brothers and then so she said no no she said it again chemical brothers and siri camei six-year-olds don't have don't enunciate great um that's true but this is more of just a cute one uh so we have two dogs we have monster who's tiny yeah he's a 16 pound boy and irma who's about a 40 pound girl and she's nine months old and she's full of energy and, uh, monsters a year older than that. And it's just chilled out. Yeah.

That's nice. Um, but, uh, so Irma ran through Poppy's room and knocked her over and Poppy started crying. And she said, Irma,

why can't you be sweet? Like monster. Good clip. Yeah. They're their own dogs you know yeah yeah just their own kind of sweet too you know what i mean like yeah irma can be plenty of sweet yeah i've met them both they're both it depends on your dog love language you know yeah irma's is pushing over yeah irma's is dominance yeah she's like a Panther. She's just like a sleek. She's so sleek and strong. Yes.

Strong. Like, like solid on her feet. Yeah. Does she, does she prowl? Yeah. Does she like move around?

Yeah. She has a prowl. Okay. You might have a Panther. She's like a little tiny Panther. Cool. That's cool. Pocket Panther.

She's a bit of a pocket panther um yeah i uh and no two dogs are the same that's what they say except twins i feel like golden or like labrador retrievers are all the same yeah some dog breeds demeanors seem to be like cut and print on each like type you have two scottish terriers and you've had three total haven't you i've had three dogs but never three the charlie was not a scotch charlie was a cockapoo and he's no longer with us we We lost Charlie a few years back. Dead! Long dead! Are your two Scotties similar? In some ways, but they're definitely like, yeah. I mean, yes.

They definitely have their own distinct personalities, but they're also much different in age. Milou is three. No two dogs are the same in age. And Woody is 13. So they want different things at this point in their life. But they're fiercely independent.

They would lose their life to kill a squirrel. If the opportunity presented itself where they could kill a squirrel or a mouse, they would gladly lose their life to do so. What's the closest they've come? I had to chase Woody when he was a puppy. I caught him just before he ran into the street chasing a squirrel and i got him because he just he loses

it just that's what's in his his dna squirrel got away in a getaway car yeah squirrel got with a bunch of other squirrels i think they were giving him the finger it's hard for a squirrel to do a skunk was driving a skunk was driving and there was a big exhaust explosion when it drove away oh yeah and it smelled like skunk have your dogs ever been skunked close but no

grandpa got skunked once a summer you gotta he was a summer boy though yeah my overheard oh have you gone You gotta. Yeah. He was a summer boy, though. Yeah. My overheard? Oh, have you gone? Go. Oh, yes.

No, I will go. I was on a BC ferry. Nice. And I was sitting in a section where nobody was talking, and it was beautiful. And then one guy tried to call his daughter. Don't call me daughter. That's what I sang to him. Don't call his daughter and uh don't call me daughter that's what he's saying to him don't call your daughter um

but he his ring was so loud and he kept getting cut off and saying to who I think was his daughter kept saying well this doesn't seem to be working I'll talk to you tomorrow and then he would hang up and then the phone would ring again because obviously they couldn't understand what each other was saying.

So there was an ongoing hearing this thing, hearing him say, I'll call you tomorrow. Hang up. I don't want to call again. I think that we'll talk tomorrow. And, uh,

at one point, flabbergasted, he turned to his wife or girlfriend and said, the darn thing just doesn't work. So I don't know if he's talking about the phone or his procedure. And, you know, I think his wife was exasperated that he was the only one making noise in this very quiet section. You're embarrassing me in front of the fairy people. Yeah, exactly.

In front of the chief purser exactly for the chief purser the chief steward have you ever been to the chief steward's office on the bc fairies no not allowed i thought he had just i thought they just had a kiosk they i don't know i've never been i think i brought this up before on bc fairies you can get a state room if you're so inclined oh yeah you pay for the cafeteria and you get a little key and you can go up to your own room and you're so inclined oh yeah you pay for the cafeteria and you get a little key and you can go up to your own room and you can join the one crazy sexually the meter not club you could go 20 leagues 20 000 leagues i mean it's always nice to get away from

people oh yeah have a little nap I've never done it but maybe someday I will I don't know if it still exists but it did at one point when Settlers of Catan first came out I remember being on there with some friends and we rented the stateroom so we could play

Catan in came out. I remember being on there with some friends, and we rented the stateroom so we could play Catan in peace. Nice. Very good. Away from the bullies. Is it a game that you can play in 90 minutes? I think so. I think, yeah, if you're kind of like you go ham a little bit, you really go for it.

It can last a long time. I haven't played Catan in many years. Yeah, it lasts a long time for me, but that's because I think about baseball. I play Tandrick Catan. Now, we also have overheard sent in from people all

over the world. If you want to send one in, send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. And this first one comes from Stephen in Kitchener, Ontario. He's at a beach hotel in Florida with a 90s vibe. Which I guess I'm picturing

pastels. Pastels. Yeah, I'm picturing the birdcage. The birdcage. I'm picturing glass bricks. Yeah, I'm picturing Will Smith i'm picturing will smith hundred thousand dollar cars everybody got neon exactly pink neon absolutely sure um the you know what's teal was that a big deal yeah these are all the miami vice colors which screams 80s to me but yeah that's true yeah you're right but i don't think they've progressed much so what was will smith is like

welcome to Miami? That was, that was, that was the nineties. Although it was pretty close to the will. And it was pretty good. Maybe it was the will. Yeah. Sorry.

Sorry. No, you're right. I think I just remember in the, in the song, he says that you could go to club and see sliced alone. If you're lucky. Come to Miami. Yeah. He'll dance. It's the best. if you're lucky come to miami

yeah he'll dance it's the best it's actually a comedy club and sliced alone is trying out new material yeah i had to sell my dog for rocky did he buy it back

i think he bought it back so they're at the breakfast dining room there was a boil your own egg table which is crazy that's the craziest thing i've ever heard boil your own egg power to people that's crazy why would anybody want that i want someone else to do it yeah is it okay it? Okay, go ahead. It said, uh, there was a sign that said soft boiled four minutes, hard boiled eight minutes.

And then on the table were several hourglasses all labeled three minutes. So, okay. So you'd have to do some math. You have to do some sand math. Yeah. The, uh, so you're, yeah, I yeah i guess you so for for an eight

minute you'd have to do you have to do two is it just six minutes pot i guess so or maybe a i don't know but i've never heard of that before like making your own pancakes is fun from a or you like there's like an omeletelet station with a guy doing it for you. Yeah, or a Benny station. But you're not poaching your own eggs because that's why... No. You could though with this... This setup?

Yeah, just crack the egg into the boiling... Make a little whirlpool. Doesn't say anywhere that I can't do that, so I'm going to do it. Are you a good egg poacher, Ryan? I'm hit and miss. Boy, I can never get it. They're as good as restaurants. No, me neither.

There's always like the yolk just wants to be part of something else. Yeah, yeah. The yolk takes off pretty quick. The yolk can't wait to leave this two-bit town. That's what Fast Car was about. At a restaurant, it's just one glob. But I got to think at restaurants, they have some kind of device contraption

that they're poaching eggs with. I don't know if they're doing it all freehand in a classic breakfast place. You know, in those infomercials, you see like egg flippers, egg this. There's got to be some kind of poaching contraption that they got going on. I'm just saying.

I've tried it all. Yeah. i remember giving away at uh laugh gallery a thing that you can scramble your eggs in the shell with like this device it pierces the egg and then you can whisk it i think it's you know if you're trying to make scrambled eggs with a microwave i feel like what this was used for. You know what they say, if you want to scramble an egg, you've got to puncture a shell. Exactly. This next one comes from Matt R. in Albuquerque, at a bar.

Matt R. at a bar. Thank you. Thank you. Good night. Started speaking very loudly about cryptocurrency how he got sued for over serving someone at his bar and many many other things it was basically half an hour of overheards uh but one of them was um the first class will be intro to space this is him making up some sort of school that he's gonna make uh first class will be intro to space. This is him making up some sort of school that he's going to make. First class will be intro to space.

You know, Neil deGrasse Tyson and shit. So, that's the descriptor of the course on their brochure. You'd be like, guys, forget everything you know about Armageddon. It's actually bad. What would be the first day of your college frosh

yeah frosh you gotta do frosh right away yeah you listen to home for a rest by spirit of the west whatever idea it would be like it would be a situation where it's like throw away your syllabus you know one of those like check it out like all your your conceptions are wrong. You know, like.

I'm sorry you had to buy the book. Yeah. Yeah. Mine would be look to your left, look to your right. Yeah. Look up, look down, your pants are falling down. That's enough for today. Yeah.

that's enough for today this last one comes from Ryan in Houston Texas I have an overseen for you I was walking through my neighborhood and I saw a flag hanging in a window that said virginity rocks in Larry's letter he put a photo in and it does exist it was facing towards the inside of the house,

but also behind some blinds, which I thought was odd. This has been an overseen before. Has it? We've seen shirts. I think I myself saw a shirt. It's a guy. It's like a movement on, it's a YouTuber. Who's a Virginia Rocks guy.

Yeah. Hold on to it, fellas fellas how often do you guys remember things from because you've done so many shows at this point like where there's like not as often as our listeners do i see but i'm and the i'm only saying it because our listeners are going to be like they don't even remember that they've done virginity rocks before but was it the flag before it was a shirt it was a shirt and i think i've seen it multiple times since but imagine having it in your place facing towards you so you can it multiple times since but imagine having it in your place facing towards you so you can read it yeah and then also putting it in front of blinds which

that's the job of blinds yeah i mean definitely your landlord will be like okay i'm glad i rented to these people yeah not having sex in there or maybe the landlord put it in you get 50 off rent but you have to keep this yeah you have to believe this that cool you're voluntarily celibate yeah you're a vol cell now in addition to overheards that are written and, we also accept your phone calls. This is so fun. Our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh.

Spy pod one, like these people have. Hey, James and Graham. This is Maria calling from Brooklyn, New York, with an overheard. This morning, I was walking my dog, and as we were passing our local movie theater, there were these two young girls walking in front of us and like 10 years old. And one of them stopped in front of the poster for the menu. And she was like, look, Ava, look, Ralph Fiennes. And the other girl just goes, oh.

All right. Off I go. My favorite actor. Yeah, kids love Ralph Fiennes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my favorite actor. The many comedies of Ralph Fiennes. That's the thing.

If he had Ralph as his name, he wouldn't be able to pull off. From Schindler's List. Yeah. Well, it is weird that he pronounces it Rafe. It is weird. It's also weird that Liam Neeson was in that movie. And now with the modern version of Liam Neeson, you're like, the hell, man. How do you go from that to take an example?

Well, he doesn't work for you. He can do whatever he wants. He's a great actor with an Evian bottle for a penis. He doesn't have an Evian bottle for a penis. He doesn't have an Evian bottle for a penis. What? It's the size of an Evian bottle.

I was confused. An actual Evian bottle. I have a Perrier bottle for a penis and it clangs around its glass. I have an Arizona iced tea can. Oh, shit. 99%!

Yeah, never got up in price. Okay, here we go. Hi, Dave and Graham, and wonderful guests. This is Amanda calling from Ohio with an overheard courtesy of my boyfriend from his work establishment one employee to another question have have you ever heard of necrophilia and the other employee's answer was i don't listen to hip-hop music all right well then off i go that i feel like you could do that's a classic joke structure. You could put any word in there. You could have made any type of music. Yes.

Yeah. It's funny, too, because what does that person think hip-hop is? What type of act do they think? Yeah, what's the confusion in their brain that they think necrophilia is? Sounds like an album or uh an artist or yes it does sound like necrophilia so maybe they're thinking of a famous mc necrophilia yeah yeah they're probably thinking of the philly fanatic yes i love the philly fanatic he says he's got his his rhymes his flow all of it his little atv heck i love the philly fanatic he's he's he's got his his rhymes his flow all of it his little atv

heck i love the philly fan they say he makes it up in the studio he just wraps off the top of his head ryan you're a big baseball fan are you uh are you getting uh season tickets to the canadians i will get i have i have re-upped my season's tickets for the vancouver canadians this year also i just bought tickets and i don't know if i'm going to be able to go uh to there's a have you ever heard of the savannah bananas no they're like a harlem globetrotters style uh baseball team that is now touring the world they're going to um arizona where i hope to be able to go because i also spring training is happening there which i I sometimes do.

But what they do is they have their own specific rules of baseball that they play by. They have 10 banana rules. They always play the same team, the party animals, which they have no sleeves. Sometimes it's like a guy will come out on stilts or the bats on fire. They do crazy fun things,

which is great for baseball because baseball's you know stodgy it needs a little fun so I'm a big Savannah Bananas fan this is amazing I'm just learning this exists now they have 10 rules so if you catch a ball if someone hits a foul ball and a fan catches it

the batter's out there are no walks so if you gotta walk pretty sure this is one of the rules if you gotta walk the the batter who got a walk can try to run as far as that batter can go and then the defensive teams has to everyone has they have to throw pitcher catcher first base third you know they have to everyone has to catch the ball and then they throw them out so it turns into like a wild relay throw and they have rules like you can just take first if you want.

If you think they're going to take the longest, you could try to get the third, second, maybe in the field. Fuck, this is amazing. I only have 10 rules for dating my teenage daughter. What are those rules again? What's number five? What's number five?

Number five was much music. Oh, no, sorry. Check TV. Number five was the Knowledge Network. Number five would have been, you got to be on stilts. And there's no, if my teenage daughter catches your ball, you're out. Out, bro. Okay, final phone call? Yeah. Nice. Hi there, graham dave and possibly the best guest yet

keegan from halifax and this overheard comes from a few years ago when i was learning going military training so now in a second when you hear what this guy said you're gonna think it was maybe like witty banter or that he's just you know rolling jokes with the boys but i assure you this guy was just not quick enough for that. So what you hear is what you get with this guy. So we're in the mess hall at lunch, and we're in line at the sandwich bar. So when he's almost done placing his order, the woman asks

him, would you like any mustard on that? To which my friend replies, oh, no thanks. I'm cute enough already. So we find a table, and the few of us that are with him say, uh, friend, what the hell did you just say about mustard? To which he replied, you know, like when you're a kid and your mom wants to eat mustard, but you don't want to. So she says it'll make you cute when you grow up.

But you tell her you don't need to because you're cute enough already. Anyway, we made fun of that guy for years. So have a great day. Off I go. so have a great day off i go there is nothing worse than saying a thing that you think is universal yeah then people are like what the fuck oh wow one that i only recently realized was more universal was if you're flicking a light switch on and off enough that that you'll start a fire. Did you ever get that when you were a kid?

No, never. I've met a couple of people that have had that be part of their growing up, is their parents saying you'll start a fire. Or you'll eat some mustard. That's the other choices. Don't start a fire. Don't eat some mustard. You're super cute.

Yeah, it is that thing of like when you meet a kid And you ask them what their teacher's name is And they're like yeah Mrs. Brown And then they assume you know her You're like tell me about school Well yeah Mrs. Brown was there And as you know Mrs. Brown is a total bitch Or whatever You just assume all grown ups know each other

Well that brings us here to the end of the podcast or whatever. We just assume all grown-ups know each other. Well, that brings us here to the end of the podcast. He's going to whistle us out. Ryan? Yes. Let's write a rom-com. That's right. February 14th.

Let's make a rom-com. Let's make a rom-com. My apologies. Eight episodes. I didn't catch it. Eight episodes. Enjoy it for the next eight weeks. That's right.

And your play that you're doing in Regina, Saskatchewan is? Regina, Saskatchewan. Go check out Sir John A. Acts of a Gentrified Ojibwe Rebellion by Drew Hayden Taylor. Interesting piece at the Globe Theater or wherever they're performing. In renovations. There's only so many places to see. Or wherever you get your podcasts.

Yeah, and if you're from Saskatoon, make the drive. Get off your high horse and go to Regina. Yeah, you Saskatoon snobs you're pears of the prairie yeah

um well thank you so much for being our guest oh my gosh I'm so lucky to be here every time I get to grace the microphone this is

this is so great it's so great to have you uh and I hope uh all your ventures are uh just

flawless and uh are all ascending to heaven and all that kind of great stuff. Like the end of Cats. Yes, exactly. And thank you out there for listening. Why don't you treat yourself this week to something you really want of Sunday or maybe a particular kind of cake that you like, you know, or even just a, just a half hour of television that you like treat yourself and come on back

next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself. Maximum fun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.