Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 782 - Alannah Brittany

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Comedian Alannah Brittany joins us to talk motorcycle noises, Arrival, and a famous stool.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 782 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who just right a sec before we started the podcast was reading the lyrics to the Rockefeller Skank, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, well you know what, we'll get our guest in here in a second Because she's going to want to be a part of this But we had a little disagreement I was

I don't even know how it came up But, oh yeah I said we were going to start the show right about now The Funk Soul Brother And she said, well, you know what? Introduce her Our guest to the podcast this week First time here to the podcast, very funny comedian.

It's Alana Brittany, everybody. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm fine. Well, you're going to be a lot less fine because we're going to, I looked up these lyrics. Of course you did. Now, I said, I said, Funk Soul Brother, and you were like, huh, so are those the lyrics?

Right about now, the Funk Soul Brother? And I asked what you thought they were, and you said... The Funk Show Brother. Like a funk concert, right? Yeah, like a funk show. You're going to a funk show. Funk show, funk show. So I've looked up the lyrics.

The Rockefeller Skank by Fatboy boy slim who i'm sure didn't write the lyrics no who knows i think it's probably a sample yeah that's true he's like he's mysterious anyways go on yeah uh right about now the funk soul brother okay check it out now the funk soul brother right about now the funk soul brother check it out now the funk soul brother right about now the funk soul brother check it out the funk soul brother right about now the funk soul brother check it out now the funk soul brother right about now the funk soul brother check it out the funk soul brother right about now about now about now about now that's where it winds down then yeah right about i'm just gonna fast forward a bit right about now the funk soul brother check it out now the funk bra okay so it even says it really slowly now bow now bow now bow now bow now bow bow bow bow bow bow bro bro bro bro bro bro

i listened for the lyrics i can't find it where the time it goes i feel like there's a different lyric there but yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. Should we get to the bottom of it? Yeah, we got to. Yeah, let's do it. Alana, this is your first time here on the podcast. You are a stand-up comic around Vancouver, around Canada.

Do you travel? I do travel. Where's your fave uh spot outside of vancouver too oh probably the sunshine coast or victoria the sunshine coast but i love it it's so fun there everyone's so nice why i think i've been i've had a bad experience in that same area when it comes to a comedy show where were you playing yeah yeah this weird little bunker room that was like behind a brewery and they packed it out and it was so sweaty and we did two shows and it was they were just like happy to be entertained it was so fun whoa okay what was the name of the venue

coastal comedy coastal comedy okay yeah no the name of the venue i don't think it has a name brad's basement yeah the weird bunker yeah uh graham and i did a show in gibson's had a movie was it a movie theater or just a theater it was a movie theater and it was because i have a picture of me with the uh don't mess with this okay but uh i i recall you that show going very well for you i think it went okay but that i guess i'm thinking of a different one that i did that wasn't particularly okay i didn't know there were multiple venues there to be honest well i went to a place called roberts creek which i think is oh yeah they had a venue called like the gumboot or something like that oh the gumboot cafe yes the gumboot cafe and they uh delicious breakfast everybody was heckling they thought that's what the show was supposed to be like one person would heckle then

another one another one would interrupt that person they started to heckle each other there was a guy at the show i'm just now, on the coast who had like crazy neck tattoos, like, you know, the kind where you're like pretty sure he's killed a guy. Oh, yeah. Like a lot. And I was so afraid of him and he was sitting in the front row. And sometimes I get a bit sassy and I make fun of people in the audience. Not a lot, but a little. But he was staring at me like, I dare you to make fun of me.

I was so scared to do it so i didn't yeah what's the scaredest you've ever been yeah doing comedy or otherwise oh um well i have an anxiety disorder so every day is an adventure in fear for me but uh i don't know scaredest i've ever been to go on stage probably like the honestly the first time the very very first time yeah i still remember did it go well enough that you were like i gotta do this uh it went well enough that i did it again okay not that i wasn't like yeah this is my calling but can you imagine somebody said that doing standup was their calling? Yeah.

God spoke to me that night. Yeah. He says, ha God said, ha. Oh man. Yeah. I,

uh, I think the most scared I've been at doing standup was at a club that no longer exists, but the, and I only found this out halfway through the show that a large portion of the audience were there for a hell's angels birthday oh beautiful and they hadn't told any of the performers so they were bantering back and forth with these guys who were real tough looking dudes yeah super spooky super scary

were you just hoping and praying that they'd recruit you just that yeah exactly this was my big audition to get in yeah yeah yeah i swung a chain above my head and uh i made motorcycle sounds your whole set just being a motorcycle there is a guy for real for real uh that tours around the interior We haven't talked about him for a long time. That's true. The guy who came up on the show quite a bit. Because his whole big act is that he can make motorcycle

sounds and airplane sounds and car sounds. I don't even like when motorcycles make motorcycle sounds. Yeah, they're too loud. That's his whole career. Yeah, I don't know if you call it a career exactly but it's his calling from his first time he was on today his calling oh poor guy yeah and he would bring his own microphone he had like a special microphone

that was smaller than a microphone and he had to before every show he had to test it and he would test it by doing i've seen that a lot lately though i feel like again a lot of instagram posts of the comics they have like they're posting stories and videos with i sound like a 95 year old they're posting pictures and little movies you sound totally with it to me, man. Yeah. They have like their own microphone. Like they're like pink or sparkly. I'm like,

did you bring that on stage? And were you just like, just, I thought you were going to say, I haven't seen that a lot. There's a lot of young comedians doing sounds. Pinsy stories and videos and just doing sounds. I mean, in fairness, he uh posted a video of himself

doing that it would probably get a lot of views yeah motorcycle comedian destroys heckler it's a phone next to dad dad thinks it's a real car oh i love those gags dad thinks there's a car right behind me that jumps out of the way he does one of the big thing like that he would do is every year he would do, I think it's Sturges is the place where it's like the big motorcycle meeting. And he goes on stage and does it. And the audience loves it. Yeah.

He would count down the top 10 cars from J.D. Power and Associates yearly ranking. And how their engine sounds. Yeah. This is what happens if your transmission is shot. Yeah. And see if you guys can spot this one. It's a Corolla. Oh, my gosh.

I recently saw this TV show all about these guys who fix cars up in BC, up in like Tappan, BC. It's called Rust Valley Restorers. And they go to this big demo every year in, not Pemberton. I can't remember where the demo happens, but they go and it's like this demo derby. And they just like drive into each other and crash into their cars. And that's right here in bc and i want to go yeah you should go it's fun cool and fun yeah i they used to have uh demolition derbies all the time in calgary it was it was a you'd have one during the stampede you'd have one

during the winter it would be monster trucks and then uh demolition derby uh or maybe the other way around but yeah it was the best it was the best something yes oh yes i've also just like been driving you know on rural rural roads uh for whatever reason and then you drive by someone's property and they just have like uh you know a dirt bike track and they're on that takes up an acre. Cool. That's okay. So demolition divert derbies are like a thing that people go to frequently. Yeah. I think like usually,

you know, every Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Yeah. You get up early, go to church and right to the demolition.

Yeah. You pray for the car you want to win. And like, jesus today i want to see a car crash into another car they were different eras of cars so it was like there would be a tiny like toyota tursell versus like a 1970s cutlass supreme and they just cut right through that kind of car that's mean uh have you ever seen any kind of uh like i when i was a kid i saw car crash tell us about it it totally affected me uh no i saw monster trucks um have you gone to any car event either of you yeah i've been to monster trucks and uh demolition derby and i went to a car show once with my uh friend's dad brought us to this car show oh yeah i went to

a car show once yeah no never not a car guy no me neither but like it's kind of it's you know it's sort of hard to escape them yeah i aspire to be a car guy i want to know about them my uncle was a big car person he loved them i i don't i know my uncle was a big truck guy his name was optimist something i wish i wish i knew things about car i'm just still amazed that people like have them and can drive them well and not kill other people. I'm thinking every day, this is an amazing feat that I see. Well, people do get killed every day.

There's that. We still have, we haven't gone a day without a fatal car accident in the world since, I don't know, day two of the car. I wonder if you instituted a purge like system where you're allowed to crash your car on one day that maybe people would like be more careful because they want that one day. What do you mean allowed to?

Well, you know, on the purge, you're allowed to do any crime. Yeah, but you're allowed to crash your car and, like, do you get your insurance paid for? Like, is it covered? Like, if you crash your car and kill someone sure you don't go to jail for killing them but then is your car ruined yeah you can steal a car for first because legal oh yes was that part of your purge car day yes and uh also you're allowed to bring the biggest container you want to a 7-eleven they can't turn you away is gumboot a canadian term or is that something people know around the world oh like a rubber boot gumboot i think i always call it a rubber boot from maybe in when i was

a kid i said gumboot um i don't like the word gumboot. The more that we say it, the weirder it becomes. Yeah. Gumboot. I think my grandparents said gumboot. Yeah? Okay. Well. Were your grandparents, do they like cars?

No, I don't think. Well, no. They don't even like them. They don't even. No. My dad's parents, yes. Okay. My dad's dad could repair any car.

Nice. That's what he said. I guess so. But yeah, on the other side, they were like, let's just walk places. Yeah. Yeah. Do you drive? Are you a driver?

I have a car. Okay. Sounds like part one of the equation. Yeah. But I feel like there's an overwhelming uh worry that you're gonna run into someone die kill people die and kill people at the same time yeah that's yeah that's that's the thing like yeah you can't drive a car if you're constantly like when you're in a car people don't like it they don't feel safe around you i'm a little bit like that yeah they what i don't like uh i don't like coming up They don't feel safe around you. I'm a little bit like that. I don't like coming up

to a green light that's been there for too long and I'm like, is it going to turn yellow soon? I think you're the only one in the city that thinks that way because a lot of people rev those engines. Because I know someone else might be like, I got to turn left here. I got to turn left.

I got no option dude i my parents are at the point of their life now where they don't care about other people on the road and i think it's very freeing for them but very terrifying and i i hate driving with them because my dad will be like everybody's taking too long to turn i'll just go so he'll just go around people who are turning and we can't you don't just get to make up your own rules now because you're old that's not fair when do you get to make up your own yeah when you're rich not when you're old yeah sorry the purge yeah that's true um i uh nobody in my family or extended family knows how to fix anything i don't think maybe

my one uncle might be able to do some home reno stuff but we're we're at the mercy of contractors and uh you know drivers limo drivers taxi drivers etc yeah what's the big like what's the graham what what is the like most elaborate thing you is the most elaborate thing you could fix? Most elaborate thing I could fix? That's interesting. I got to think about that for a minute. For me, I'm like, I could patch a hole in my drywall. Oh, that's nice.

That's not too bad. As long as it's a small hole. How small, how big of a hole could you fit? A dime. Oh, okay. Okay. I don't even know the procedure of putting a thing on drywall. How small, how big of a hole could you fit? Dime. Oh, okay. Okay. I don't even know the procedure of putting a thing on drywall.

Do you have to put something in there to fill the space and then you cover it? Not if it's the size of a dime. What are you? You put lots of mysterious things in wall holes, don't you? What are you putting in? Well, there's one thing of mine that's the size of a dime that I've been putting. Two dimes. Yeah, I'll roll the dime uh i think you just you put some patch over it fill it with uh you know whatever spackle and uh you just make it upwards you gotta sand it down and then paint it and

optimus is your uncle that's pretty good i have on multiple occasions uh snaked a toilet drain i've had some pretty good success with that so uh i wouldn't be again i have my own uh snake but it's like broken now because i did it too much how is it a is a snake or an auger? It's a snake, because I think an auger is like, isn't that like you could twist around? Yeah, I got an auger. Yeah. I feel like we're at Home Depot right now. I'm just listening to people talk about things I don't know any of the words. Well, you know what a toilet is, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see one right over there. Wait, are you in the bathroom? Why can you see one right over there? I'm in the bathtub, bathroom why can you see one right over there i'm in the bathtub but i can see the toilet i was at home depot this way this week uh shout out and i saw a very big rat but it was outside oh okay that's okay yeah that's okay then uh what is the worst like because you've lived in vancouver your whole life alana you're used to this is a rat city and where did you and where did you go to high school

oh yeah angel question i went to u hill home of the hawks university hill yes home of the hawks you're gonna u hill elementary as well i did not okay did you uh ever play against Kitsai? Did you ever do sports against Kitsai? Did I do sports? I did swimming. Swimming's a sport. Yeah, but we weren't really a team. Yeah, schools don't have their own pools usually.

Yeah. But I know Kitsai. Yeah, that's where I went that's where i was yeah good basketball yeah good basketball big round basketball yeah they bounced for good i heard yeah yeah yeah anyway you were talking you're gonna ask her about the biggest rat she saw you then ask graham he comes from a place that doesn't have rats that's right i come from a place that doesn't have rats uh calgary we in calgary we have gophers no end to gophers but rats uh yeah it is kind of like a rat it's more like a dirt rat and a rat is like a city rat

oh a dirt rat that sounds cute yeah yeah but like what yeah where's the craziest place that you saw a rat here in here in vancouver oh i don't want to like shame the restaurant but uh there's a restaurant on canby i can't remember the name of it though that's the other thing it's on canby right on the corner uh like 17th there's like a barber shop right next to it i think the restaurant is closed okay good they should be uh yeah the rat we were sitting on these benches like bench seats and this rat ran across the bench down the bench over my sitting on these benches like bench seats and this rat ran across the bench down the bench over my friend over me and then out the door and i was like inside oh yeah it was inside but wow it touched us but like what you don't know is he was sitting

on top of the chef's head he's ratatouille yeah i feel he was just out getting more veggies yeah he was running a quickie is that they call it um there is a so you can search in um the city like health department and you can search any restaurant don't do it that's the end of you going around oh shit i can't cook i can't i can't look at that website it'll ruin me you can You can't cook? Oh, I can't. No. Why not? I don't know. I never learned. You gotta fall in love with it. I had parents who did it for me.

Whoa, whoa. That came out of my mouth. I heard it. I heard it as I said it, and I know what it sounds like. To me, it sounds like your parents cooked for you. But the, uh, didn't you ever like. They didn't do it for you. Yeah.

Didn't you ever have like the food channel that made you fall in love with food? Nope. Didn't have cable. I'm sorry. Oh, darn it. We didn't have that. No, I can't cook in the sense of like, I don't enjoy the process. I'm not like, ooh, that's like, I can feed myself clearly.

It's not like I'm not, I i'm okay but i don't like enjoy the i'm not a cooking right but like how many days a week would you make your own food versus ordering it oh well okay well now i live with my boyfriend now and he's like we're not spending money so he makes me cook he makes me he's like get out of the kitchen i'm gonna be able to play video games you go cook me something so i you know i burn food at least five nights a week yes okay yes it sounds like you are dating cookie monster he is kind of cute like cookie monster um yeah it's dave dave's a a wonderful he's a's Dave's a wonderful

he's a chef. I don't know that that's the case, but I do like to find new recipes and try things and then give my kids a grocery store bagel. Oh, see, that's good.

Are you going to teach your children how to cook? I guess if they would honestly if they would eat anything outside of the like five things that kids eat and don't finish i have this friend who's like making a cookbook like letting her kids do the cooking and i she posts these videos of like it's okay to like let them help in the process and like it's just videos of like shit all over the counter and i'm like are they helping is that what's happening and my kids are like i'll eat it all i want to eat this muffin and there's like three muffins because they threw all the ingredients everywhere and like this seems like a bad idea yeah it's uh

uh i mean it's fun right dave you you've had two kids yeah the kids get into they like cracking an egg or something like that they love to like chop stuff with gigantic knives they're big on like they like to you know flambe things good good i don't know what that word means i don't know either but i imagine a big thing of fire. Okay. Um, no, um, they can't do anything cause it's all deadly. It's all knives and fire.

That's true. Yeah. That's why I didn't learn fear of fire. There's a time, there's a time when you're not a kid where you can kind of learn. Like I was saying a few weeks ago, like when I was in my early twenties, once a week I made something with a can

of cream of mushroom soup what's the flavor pack yeah and then i guess i there's like you know 10 things i make 10 things i hate about you number one the food that i make for you yeah you can fix things you can make food okay we get it you're a superior being i can fix a. You can make food. Okay, we get it. You're a superior being. I can fix a tiny hole in a wall. You can fix a tiny hole. I can chop a vegetable. We get it. You're better than us.

It's okay. I'm saying us. You don't know Graham. Graham, do you cook? Huh? No. Why not? Like, I could, similar to Alanna, I can keep myself alive i can keep myself alive uh like if you were like

if your boss came over to make your signature dish i'd i'd uh you know secretly run out the back get some uh chicken uh mcchicken sandwiches or big mac chicken or whatever the hell they're called okay okay well don't act like you're not from north america a big mac chicken i do not know uh what is oh no but there's a new big mac that has chicken in it instead of beef and apparently it's gross you like you blink and then my just my office chair is spinning and i'm gone there's a big mac where you can get with chicken in it yeah why why did they do that you know what no shame if that's your that's your culinary delight for yourself that's fine that's okay what's your culinary delight for yourself fresh produce fresh produce nice hasn't gone bad in my fridge yet still crunchy not wilting yeah yeah that sounds bad no that sounds great sushi oh sushi okay yeah i did so yeah apparently this is a new thing yeah and um kfc is apparently has billboards now uh making fun of the chicken big mac oh salty

yeah it's oh boy i hope there's no like east coast west coast involved here yeah there's no drive-by shootings i kind of hope there is i could maybe hope for a run by fruiting yeah yeah i think you know like strategic battle if it was mcdonald's had an army and kfc had an army mcdonald's would have the numbers but i feel like kfc has the secret diarrhea they would give everyone diarrhea and then wendy's would come in and just throw their square patties at you and be like i was never frozen i yeah i'm i have something of an iron stomach i can eat all anything any of that stuff but kfc is the one that destroys me not not even like my digestion but like my whole body like i yeah that i have migraine and i sweat and oh gosh i can't do it it's all part of the process i can't eat wheat oh i can't eat i

apparently i can't eat 11 herbs and spices we all have our problems we all have our differences what uh do you uh do you like the like gluten-free stuff that seems to be around everywhere look at her face change do i like it well isn't there some like good ones that uh yeah i don't know i i remember like what do you like it is it what do you like and it was just like are you insane do i enjoy not Do I enjoy cauliflower pizza crust? Yeah. Do I enjoy? There's like, yeah, I don't know.

There's ones that are fine, but all of them are just full of sugar. And so you eat them and you're like, I feel terrible still. What's wrong with my body? Yeah. My life changed when somebody said, just because it it is wheat free doesn't mean you have to eat it and i was like what oh that's pretty good mantra to live by just because it's there you don't have to eat it huh yeah i mean i still do yeah somebody should uh tell that to me and next time i walk past a cake vending machine well i'm a vegetarian i can eat this cake it's vegetarian it's plant-based do you find that

a lot of places like if there's a um like a wedding or or uh i don't know some kind of work lunch uh two kinds of meals do you find that there's if they'll have like a mainstream option and then they'll do a vegan or vegetarian option that is also the gluten-free option like they'll pile on every other kind of like food thing into one option and it ends up just being yeah cucumber yeah so yes that happens all the time and it's always at like high tea not at like weddings weddings they'll be like here's your meat because they love meat at weddings but it's always like whenever i go to like fancy things and they're like oh here is your jackfruit and i'm like what is that what is that really has made itself known in the vegetarian circles in the

use it as like uh as anything other than uh do they process it in any way no it's like it comes out stringy right yeah yeah and they like heat it up with barbecue sauce they're like oh okay so yeah like it's like a supposed to be pulled pork but oh that's what i mean yeah because i've had jackfruit on its own like yeah jackfruit's not bad it's like tastes like juicy root gum really oh i gotta get into jackfruit what an unfortunate name though that's true jackfruit teen boys love it uh you guys uh did you ever watch america's funniest people yes did you elena no what is it well there was america's funniest home videos yes there was i say there was but it never stopped yeah alfonso still carrying that torch there have been three or four rounds of hosts of america's funniest home videos but there was only

one round oh maybe there were two or three rounds of hosts of america's funniest people it was it was always dave coulier and dot and tony katane and then a blonde woman anyway america's funniest people was basically you know a tiktok yeah it was tiktok before tiktok yeah it would be dave coulier would throw to a uh guy who did motorcycle sound or um impressions impressions uh i think that's maybe where air bud came from what wow oh he might have been america's funniest home videos but uh there was also like it was all like user submitted tapes of funny things that people could do uh uh but then there was also like an in-house segment. This is coming back to Jack fruit, uh, of a,

Oh yeah. Of a, I know this and I forgot all about a rabbit, a rabbit with like antlers. Right. Uh, who was a jackalope. Okay.

Okay. A jackrabbit antelope, I'm guessing. And, uh, he would get into all kinds of scrapes he would say fast as fast can be you can't catch me and you remember his name graham uh no i just thought he was the jackalope wasn't he just the jackalope i think they did a name

naming contest and the winner was jack ching bada bing oh what oh man now i have some homework i gotta go yeah you really should like we should send out a little like a document before people get on the show you should i'm really really bad at pop culture it's embarrassing what's your biggest blind spot culture wise tv like anything like tv shows all of tv from the beginning uh yeah just recently found out uh like i remember people talking about lost the show did you watch yeah i just found out i was celiac just found out about love it's been a big year yeah i found out about it being purgatory like i still don't really understand it i still haven't watched it and it's just too far gone now i can't i can't yeah all these like you know what the thing about lost was whether it was or wasn't purgatory the the first couple of seasons were a lot of fun.

And then when they had to cut, they were kind of called onto the carpet to explain themselves and it didn't work out. Huh? See, this is what I mean. I am missing out on all of these little intricacies because I don't watch TV. You don't watch TV at all.

I don't. I have. Okay. Okay. I, okay. Yes, but it's reality. Yes reality tv yes okay i know who

i am i know who uh who's what's your favorite show oh are you a housewives or a dating oh no i i'm a reality dating show person but it's gotta be like the trashy trashy trashy ones okay graham's on board with that i think yeah i like that i like the uh too hot to handle was uh yeah really good fave yeah i loved f boy island with nikki glazer yeah nikki glazer that's right it's so good so funny uh i wanted it to be called fuck boy island and it could have been because it's on netflix you don't have to worry about... Have either of you watched Milf Manor? No, but I'm writing it down. That's not real, is it? Yes, it is! Is it real?

Yeah, because there was Milf Island on 30 Rock, and then, like, you know, 20 years later, 15 years later, they jumped the shark, and now there's an actual thing. That's amazing. I love that. And my hairdresser was telling me about it.

And because it's all, it's mothers and their sons trying to fuck each other's mothers and sons in a manner, in a big manner. Oh my gosh. It's almost spring break for teachers. My boyfriend is a teacher. He's got some homework now.

He's going to watch all of this for me pick the best episodes and we'll watch them together sounds pretty good yeah we have a healthy relationship sounds like it you know i know we do we really do it's good when he has spring break do you guys go down to daytona beach or uh somewhere oh yeah Wild? Oh, I hope so. Yeah, Girls Gone Wild style. We haven't. I'm not going to exclude it from a possible future endeavor. Okay. All right.

Fair enough. I want to be old and go there. That'd be fun. That would be fun. Graham, what's your favorite of these dating? Did you like Love is Blind? Oh, no, you didn't because they were ugly. Yeah.

Everybody liked that. There was no stakes. you like love is blind oh no you didn't because they weren't ugly yeah they everybody like that there wasn't no there was no uh stakes and i do like too hot to handle but i guess that's not a dating show that's more of a sleeping sleeping in the same room uh finger banging kind of show oh is that what's the one where you're not allowed to have sex at all that's the one okay very like summer camp well because it was in the early days it was like the sex wasn't even implied it was just sort of like oh of course they're not having sex you wish to forgo your individual sweets you can stay together as a couple with this key yeah i love that yeah it's funny too because the the camera does get in there at the beginning where they're kind

of smooching at each other on the bed. Like what time do they say, okay, you can now get out of here. You're going to start showing some boobs here or something. We're it's boob o'clock time to go off camera. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if there's signal or how do the, I feel like I watched a 90 day fiance where that happened, where it was a couple going at it on a bed and I was like are they just going to film this whole thing? Maybe. Gross. Unless you're into that kind of thing.

If I was on those shows I'd be like okay you can film the first few minutes. Until my socks are off. But then you have to do a time lapse to make it look like it's been a long time. Yeah. Turn the clocks. Flip some calendar pages.

You know, all these tall candles, replace them with short candles. Yeah. That's the props department. That's why they're there. So you watch reality shows shows and then is that is that the main viewing component of your life or is there other yeah i just can't get out i get too anxious about everything uh but i get i get too worried that i can't keep up with something because i'm so i'm very busy i'm a very i'm a very busy lady so i have too many things going on

and then i start watching it and I forget and then a new season will come out and then I'll forget what happened in the previous season. I do, yeah. I have that as well. And it just gets too much. I have to make notes. When I was watching some of the Netflix series, I would have to make notes

on the season and it just became a job. So you watch these... How much stuff do you watch with your boyfriend? Because for me that was a big determination of like, am I watching this show? It's like, okay, I gotta catch up on the show because Abby and I are watching this

but maybe if I watch it myself I could just live my life. Yeah, we watch we have a few things that we watch together but they're reality shows. And I had to find a happy medium because he's like, I'm not watching this trash with you. I can't do it.

He'll do it sometimes, which is how I know he loves me. But most of the time he'll, he'll like watch Seinfeld and I'll come home and he'll be like, you can change it. And I'm like, yes, I will. Thank you. Wait until Kramer says something funny. Then you can change it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're about to move the frogger um what uh like he watches with you but do you like it like if he isn't you know watching every episode with you so you get to kind of like tell him catch him up on stuff oh yeah you know what i like secretly watched a little bit ahead of a show as we do because when we're you know i feel so naughty like i don't i'm not like a cheater like i don't cheat in my relationship but i do sometimes skip ahead and i did it and then when i like turned on the the show to like watch it i realized like oh no like oh it's further along then oh it's further along he's gonna know and he was like did you he's like you watched ahead i was like no i don't know i don't know i don't know how to happen i don't know i was thinking of you the whole time oh god i was thinking i felt i felt

awful it didn't mean anything do you um paid attention does anyone cheat is it like like it seems so hard to cheat now yeah i hope people aren't doing it. I had this actually, okay, fun story when I settle in. Let's finally, let's do it. Here we go. Yeah, we're hoping. When I first started listening to your podcast 100 years ago, it was because I was dating this guy who was like, you did stand up? I didn't like maybe twice, maybe three times. And he was like, oh, have you met Graham Clark yet?

I was like, no. That's met Graham Clark yet? I was like, that's the high watermark. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, no, no, I have it.

He's like, he's got his podcast. You gotta listen to it. And like, he like sat me down and then we started listening to your podcast. And no one likes to be sat down. No, no.

I was like, but why, why this is about cheating. Cause like a few days after like starting listening to your podcast together he messaged me he's like uh my my fiance called in because you guys have people who can like call in or write it or like something and yeah so he was like my fiance and i was like you're what you're what that's outrageous cheating with you yeah but yeah so he was wow and how did he know the how what how dumb was he that he was like oh by the way yeah my fiance i don't know he said

it so casually like oh you know how well have those yeah you know you don't have one yeah but uh oh do you remember her overheard i know i don't think i listened to it oh boy hey uh spy this is long time listener as far as i know nobody's cheating on me so my fiance said the sweetest thing to me the other day he said i'll never cheat on you. Yeah, I don't, yeah. I'm sure it was something. That's great.

I don't think we've ever had a guest come to us that way. Yeah, it was pretty fun. And then the relationship crashed. In an awkward way. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Paul of Toppins. I think Paul of Toppins.

He first listened to us because his fiance was cheating on him. Is that real i'm so gullible you can't this is this is i'm not a stupid person but i am very gullible the were you guys saying like who cheats in terms of like relationships or who cheats in terms of television show no no i'm i meant relationship but like how is it even a possibility anymore with i think it's more of a possibility because you're all your you're texting and uh no but your texting is gonna get you caught that's true it does research that you know it's receipts those are receipts that you're saying yeah there's like you can't there's cameras everywhere that's true i think it's like is it dino archie who has a joke that's like uh i'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend i'm or my now wife he's like i'm not gonna cheat on my

wife like when she's not around that's my time that's time for me to be alone i like that time i was like yeah it's like when you hear no wait you were gonna say there's something oh i found it's stupid i found this out we know i found this out uh it wasn't it was only in the very kind of recent past yeah okay yeah it was in the summer anyway you were saying oh we won't cut you off a third time it's okay no it's not as i'm it's not even good that i know this but if you go if you have an iphone and you go to your messages and you go to edit you can go to show recently deleted and you can see all the messages you've deleted so if you are a creep and you don't trust your partner there's a hot tip for you oh shit everybody get your significant other's phone and see what knock them on the head so they pass out so you can get their phone

i don't need to my wife has a a code on her phone but i don't need to know it because we look so alike i have facial recognition that I... Oh, yeah. How would you break into your partner's phone? You knock them on the head? Pick it up and open their eyes while they're knocked out so that the phone recognizes their face. Do you guys know your partner's passcodes? Yes. No. do you guys know your partner's passcodes yes no oh but what do i need it for only because i need to unlock her phone for the kids to play with it nice yeah cool did you ever think of just giving

your kids their own phone but it only does like games and shit like that or no my kids are like very obsessed with the idea of like the transition from childhood to teenagerhood begins when you get a phone oh yeah that is it because there's no i don't know i think in certain cultures there are but i don't feel like there's any rite of passage that i went through but so that's why i still feel like i like a kid. Because there was no time to put away childish things. I'm like, time to put up more. And keep them in the heat. Yeah.

How about you? Do you ever feel like you went through something that was a rite of passage where you're like, now I am an adult? Are you talking to me? Yes. I'm a woman. We have one very scary moment where that's true that's true and we're like okay if i can survive this i for sure can handle taxes this will be fine i'm good oh really can you do mine yeah i'm really good at it i hardly ever do it correctly so

sure i can do that. It's fine. Yeah, you're just missing some big numbers here. I basically made $500 this year, so I don't know how I survived. But thank you, government, for the rebates. That's called fraud. And I don't do that just on the record. I'm very good at it. I have an account, I swear. Then give me your phone and let me see your deleted text yeah show me your old text okay i'm not hiding i swear because

i know how to clear it oh there's like there's a cheat code for that yeah it's called delete all nice yeah sounds efficient yeah um dave what's going on with. Dave, what's going on with you, my friend? What's going on with me? Well, not much. What? What's so freaking funny, dude? There's never much. Yeah, but I still like it.

So it tickles you? Yeah. I watched the movie Arrival this week. Oh. Have you seen this? Oh, yeah. Natalie Portman? No.

No. Natalie Imbruglia? Natalie Imbruglia. She sings Torn. She's Torn. It's a four-minute movie. Sounds good to me. She wears a hoodie.

She fights with her boyfriend. No, it's Amy Adam oh this is where they're communicating with yes she's communicating and I was like

it's been on my list of things to watch for I guess seven years since it came out sure and

part of me is like this movie came out last year yeah this is fine time but she uh it's uh i was very intrigued i was like this movie's an hour and 56 minutes nice a relatively short movie yeah uh and then i watched it and then i was like oh damn it i have to watch a movie explaining the ending to me i have to watch like a YouTube video explaining the end.

And I was like, I do not want this to cumulatively be over two hours. Going through, there's like, you know, a hundred different videos explaining the ending on YouTube. Give me the three minute one. She really put linguists on the map with

that movie. All around the world. We're like, yeah, that's awesome. And you, Brittany, you work in the, in the voice arts.

You're a, yes, Clark. I do. Yeah. You did it again. I love it. It's okay.

Having two first names. Very hard. As you know, it's tricky. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. It's okay. Having two first names, very hard, as you know. It's tricky. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. That was so sassy. I work in the voice arts. What is your voice art?

So made up. I'm a voice therapist. What does that mean? I help people get their voices back after they've had laryngeal trauma or surgery. Oh. Yeah, it's pretty fun. Do you know any linguists? Is that the same type of crowd? I'm a linguist.

I have an undergrad in linguistics. Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Name five words. Okay. Hat. Oh, you're really putting me on the spot here.

Oh, you did it. Yeah. I did it yeah did you see arrival i did i loved it can you explain the ending to dave dave did you figure it out i well no i get it i just feel like i don't want to spoil it for people who are also waiting a number of years to watch this movie. Yeah, fair enough. But, uh, the ending, I feel like, uh, because of the nature of, without giving too much away, without, uh,

because of the nature of, um, what they discover, I feel like there could be infinite possibilities. And I was just trying to pinpoint what, that I was correct about which possibilities. Right. It's a very sweet ending.

I feel like. I don't remember. Uh right it's a very sweet ending i feel like i don't remember uh it's totally sweet dude um yeah i i liked it but i don't remember how it ends i don't really remember any of the plot i just remember her communicating with them and they made like ink blots or something yeah they made a circular language yeah um very cool does that track does that movie track alana is that how we communicate with aliens yeah like does that sound right to you yeah and well i really yeah actually when i was watching it i remember thinking like oh these principles are really good like she's starting small she's using aac like an alternative communication device i love aac she's my favorite

congresswoman yeah i i was like okay yeah there's some good it was it had good efficacy i will say okay you know you can't say about many movies good efficacy yeah i feel like if they didn't know they knew that the linguist they knew that like what's that chomsky would be all over it he'd be like no i think that's how he sounds yeah yeah still alive no i think yeah he's still around no problem he's still uh he's still doing cage fights just let me oh boy i'm sorry my window's over to milf manor let me just see oh won't let me search for both noam chomsky and milf manor it says you can't be both kind of person he's 94 years young 94 wow good for him um the i feel like there's a movie for every kind of

group of people where they're like that's the movie that's about my thing that i do oh yeah like and so this would be the linguist movie what's a comedian movie uh i mean you take your pick i might think joker's the best one personally but saving private ryan yeah that's a guy's doing the war movie yeah um but like what was uh whip it was that uh like the roller skating roller derby movie yeah so there's like you know people who are like fans of something there's always some and i bet it sucks if you're if you're into a thing and people are like if you're a jazz drummer and people are like oh you must really love uh the you know the jk simmons movie like no i don't whip flash yeah whip flash yeah is it whip lash or it's whip flash it's whip flash

as a linguist i'm very bad at listening to things is it because you're listening too closely or maybe i don't know i think i'm just kind of maybe like you know the saying can't win them all yeah it makes perfect sense also as can't win them all shopping mall can't win them all yeah oh huh they've never been a prize on a game show yeah exactly and it should be should be or that song uh whoa take the money and run run yeah i thought i was go on and take the money you won no that's nice that's a nice song yeah everybody can agree with that also right about now the funk show brother yeah the point is i don't listen so so i liked arrival it's also my favorite kind of movie quiet yeah quiet movie yeah quiet movie about people talking quietly yeah um not enough sitting down they stand up a lot in that movie yeah you like it when they're sitting in like a nice nice kind of easy chair

yeah um the other thing happening this week is uh picked up my daughter from school the other day and they one of my daughters said that the boy uh sitting next to her uh threw up in class oh shit it wasn't in class he he ran out of the room and threw up oh that's okay in the hallway or did he make it to the toilet uh no there's like a bucket outside the class there was like a bin as cool as that or like a garbage can okay yeah there wasn't just buckets in the hall and then i was like huh i wonder if you'll remember this forever because i remember everyone who ever threw up in school well that must be so wild having kids and being like i am shaping your memories yeah or i'm like you know i i i can

pinpoint what's gonna stick with you right like they won't remember going to disneyland but they will remember that brad puked oh they'll remember going to disneyland because there were a lot of people puking truly that's all childhood is is remembering who threw up but i was like okay i like after that habit i like here are the people i remember throwing up in school there's one kid who threw up right on the right just like no one noticed him throw up but it didn't know what uh that was later uh he threw up and it was all over his desk and uh then he had to like tell the teacher i threw up or someone maybe someone else told the teacher he threw up there's another guy who had gotten on the teacher's nerves that day and was like one more word out of you you're in trouble and then later that day he was like feeling sick and he didn't want to get in trouble.

And so he covered his mouth and threw up and it went through his fingers and like sprayed everywhere. And that was so big that like, and thinking back, that wasn't even my class. That was just a thing I heard. Yeah. That was just like, and then there was a really quiet girl who was too shy to tell the teacher she threw up, but it was everywhere. Yeah.

Oh, the teacher knew. The teacher knew. No, he didn't. He didn't? Not this guy. He was not a very good teacher. This guy was like, he was doing jazz the way he did math. Yeah, what's the puke movie for people who puke?

What's their film? The Sixth Sense? Oh, maybe Stand By by me there's a big yeah human centipede oh yes absolutely good yes unfortunately yeah but do you remember everyone who ever threw up in school or is that just me i don't i'm trying to think of a kid that threw up in school but i don't think i remember uh a young girl peeing on the floor i remember that because she didn't make it to the bathroom was that in school that was in school no that was just for my bar days college years a kid ran through the bar whoa

yeah um but yeah i can't i can't remember think all the, all of that was in high school. I feel like I saw a lot of people do that in high school, but maybe not in class. Probably not in class. I don't know. Lana, does this, do you remember anybody? I don't remember anybody puking. I don't remember much of elementary school at all, though. I think I blacked it all out pretty well.

Trauma. You know that. But I remember the only time like distinctly remember seeing somebody throw up where they shouldn't have been throwing up or like out of place like not drinking and your friends drink and they throw up that's fine that's like funny you talk about it at their weddings whatever but i remember this girl she was on we were on a swim team like at uvic and we'd had our rookie night the night before and we were still drunk. Like we should not have been at practice. It was like their funny hazing when we still hazed.

And she was like, I don't feel good. I got to get out. And the coach was just tired of people getting out constantly. He was like, I don't know what's going on with you guys. I was like, come on, you know, we're all drunk. We shouldn't be underwater. This is dangerous. And it was like swimming and she got up and she's like i gotta get out he's

like go the next person who gets out of this pool they better throw up right here i want to see it i want to see you throw up and so she just like pushed herself out of the water and just barfed all over and it got to his shoes and i remember being like this is this is this is my team this is my place you asked for yeah yeah. You got what you asked for. Yeah. Yeah. Be careful what you wish for, gym teacher. Yeah. Gym teacher.

Swim coach. Gym teacher. He's like a national coach. Okay, gym teacher. Yeah, okay. I wish I had called him a gym teacher. Oh, man. Yeah, so that's my week is big barf big arrival um this week oh how about you graham i went to calgary alberta this week to visit the folks

because i didn't get to see them over christmas because i had covid oh yeah and you really wanted covid i did and i wanted it at the right time when it could serve me as a you know an excuse of getting out of something not not seeing my folks um have you had covid alana that is so many times that so many times i'm still covid free since 1993 okay so you can cook you can patch holes in the wall. You can't catch diseases. I did get sick. I tested negative for three colds in three months last year, but they must

have been. One of them must have been COVID. You never know. The big thing that's happened in Calgary. Do you get a rat yet? Yeah, one rat and everybody panicked started shooting anything small the the television or the streaming show uh the last of us

was filmed in calgary so there's a lot of locales that you can see you know that the northland mall is in there oakland center is in there. Eau Claire Center is in there. Now, this isn't something Atlanta watches or Brittany. I was just about to say, I feel like I've heard about it. I know it's a video game. But it's also, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's from a video game. It's a video game that became a TV show that became a revolution. Now, what are the other classic video games to TV shows?

Mario Brothers Hour. Yeah yeah that's right yeah yeah oh yeah there's a movie okay what about what does it usually go the other way oh yeah there's definitely they've made video games of movies yeah for sure golden eye classic yeah um this summer wild tv show just people putting stuff into boxes oh that would be so satisfying i would watch that so much yeah yeah oh yeah i mean the climax is like are they gonna get a long piece yeah that's right well next episode so the the fun game that everybody in my family has been doing is watching the show guessing where the background is guessing where it was shot now you told me last week or the week before you have not watched this show i have not watched

this show because it's not i'm not objecting to watching it but I think it comes out one a week, right? So I wait. I wait until it's all done. I can't do week to week anymore. It's too... I feel like I'm at the mercy of the streamers. So when it's all out, I will watch it straight through. That's how I feel after a surprise party. I was at the mercy of the streamers.

So that's being like the thing and my brother and sister-in-law know somebody who's like an extra who's been in all sorts of scenes as a zombie uh i don't know no as a as a human he's one of the last of us i guess and, that's why I'm out. I tried watching this thing. You're just like, no, no way. It is a zombie thing, right? Ish? It's a network of zombies that are mushroom-based. There's a fungus among us. There truly is.

And I've been waiting my whole life to say this. And then I watched the first two episodes and i heard i watched nothing and then i heard episode three was amazing and i was like i guess i gotta watch this show first two episodes oh not for me but i hear episode three is amazing episode three is really nice okay but i was like it was i could tell from episode three i was like this is the exception i don't want freaky mushroom zombies everywhere yeah no i can understand that um but this friend of theirs was like the show was featured in entertainment weekly or something like that and in the picture they chose he's like it's the two

leads or whatever and then he's right next to them So it looks like he's a main character of the show. Oh, yeah. Which is like a fun, that's a fun little thing to, they watch it every week to see their friend in it. Or see maybe this is where the Saddle Dome was. Yeah, find out where these mushroom people went to high school. High school did you go to, mushroom man? They could have. They could have used the Calgary Tower as a giant mushroom. And that have been true yeah you should write it in graham you should write to them yeah they

should yeah that's right can you write to shows nowadays you get a full transcript this is a shondaland show she's the most accessible right how to get away with mushrooms you just write a spec script yeah about calgary i also love that isn't it about like an apocalyptic kind of no it's actually not apocalyptic because it's just mushroom zombies living their day-to-day lives okay okay i was good i was gonna be mean to calgary oh of course it's an apocalypse okay so everybody's watching that and then my brother and sister-in-law

Patch and Renee also do something they found a stool they found the stool from the show? no but they did find a stool and the person selling it at this antiques uh fair said uh you might be interested to know this was in a kevin costner movie and uh and so they figured

i don't know if they watched a bunch to whittle down but they did find the stool and they did find the scene that's in uh i can't remember what is it was it filmed in calgary yes yeah so it was dances with wolves filmed in calgary with stools it's some movie that's like you know just classic costner type film uh and he he has yeah he has the stool it's very prominently split uh placed in the film and uh they've done good work how did they get that they was just it was at a flea market kind of thing but you don't know the movie no i can't remember there's a terrible story right yeah well i'll look it up i'll look it up before we do uh some business but what's your brother's phone number i'll text you if i if you google kevin costner stool first of all there's a stool with kevin costner's face on

so that makes you okay graham that makes you if counting the stool you are now to three degrees of separation from that guy i forgot his name kevin costner thank you i think i said one second ago no don't make fun of me i already told you i had covet a hundred times yeah oh sure yeah yeah yeah uh you're three degrees of separation is it what do you can you tell me the the is it a 90s costner or is it a latter day latter day latter day costner okay never mind and i think it's like a quiet it's like a film that's about a relationship or something in that world which he made his bones that's what he became famous for and then he switched it up and became did you know he was the dead guy in uh that movie with the boomers yeah beetlejuice yep there was a there was a movie called the big chill and

he was the he played the corpse in it and which is only in like one scene or whatever it's not like a weekend at bernie's either you don't see his face yeah i wonder how much you got paid for that a scale you know probably scale plus yeah it was uh it was an offer only kind of thing graham this weekend another thing happened um i didn't know you were out of town and i was walking my dog on saturday morning we have to record tomorrow so is this your story for tomorrow no this is your story for tomorrow unless you get something juicy okay i got some plenty juicy okay good good go please oh do i so let me check my notes hmm yeah i got something juicy okay all right i got some fun some fun this is fun yeah okay uh but this is so uh i was walking

my dog on saturday morning and i walked my dog on main street in vancouver past neptune records and neptune records is a record store yeah i've never gone inside i i can confirm is a record store yeah i mean on record store day they're operational so yeah okay uh but they have uh i hadn't noticed this before but they had a box of used records that were just free outside oh yeah just like unsellable yeah yeah and i bought uh an album by Von Meter I didn't buy I picked up a free album by Von Meter

yep called The First Family yep now if you're a comedy connoisseur like Graham you know what this album is uh but I can tell

from the lens she made a face uh bad at my own art craft yeah okay go on this was uh Von Meter was a guy who did an impression of jfk in the early 60s when jfk was alive and uh he put out this album that won the grammy award

for album of the year in the early 60s and it was it was he you know how they say like it takes somebody to crack the impression like there's one person that cracks and then everybody's doing impression of the impression uh this was the guy who figured out jfk that was his his kind of claim to fame and so i i uh took a picture of the album and I texted it to Graham. You want this? And I was walking two dogs and carrying this record album. So, you know, it's a 78 RPM. Yeah, sure. One of the best.

It's an armful. And I didn't hear back from Graham at all for the half hour it took me to walk home. And so I knew Graham's car. Yeah. And so i've just placed it on his windshield uh i walked past his car and i placed it on his windshield under like the way you would put a parking ticket under someone's windshield wiper i love it and uh then i uh then eventually i heard back from him oh thanks but no I already have that album too and uh and I was like okay and then hours and hours went by and I said hey did you drive your car today and he said no I'm not in Vancouver oh wait so you've been and you haven't been in

his house but you know his car? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do drag races. He knows that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I race like RuPaul the way this guy does drag races. That was a fun bit of business. Graham has a nitro-burning funny car. What kind of car do you have, Graham?

A Subaru Impreza. What kind of car do you have? Yeah, what kind of car do you have? Graham? A Subaru Impreza. What kind of car do you have? Yeah, what kind of car do you have? I have a RAV4 hybrid. Oh. Whoa! I know. I sound really fancy.

But I got a settlement because I got hit by a car. It was also a RAV4. And so I was like, ha ha. Really? Yeah. Wow. You bought the car that did you? Well, not the exact car exact car i know but the kind

yeah that's like very um cathartic yeah yeah it was and i can't drive it because you're too scared i'm scared yeah understandable yeah right yeah it's kind of what happens yeah people will be like you don't take the bus you have a car i'm like no no no people can do both yeah exactly not at the same time i just never leave my house um should we move on to a little bit of business yeah y'all man oh wait ah boy how did jfk say it or uh yeah you nailed it yeah this he does that right

yeah I guess I don't know I don't have the album I don't have a record player that means it's time for a little bit of business don't ask what your country can do for you

album of the year at the Grammys people were mad that Beyonce didn't win Don't ask what your country can do for you. Album of the year at the Grammys. People were mad that Beyonce didn't win. Yeah, what if we beat out Bob Dylan or something like that? That'd be pretty good. What if Beyonce lost to Jeff Dunham? That would rule. It'd be so funny. We had a Jumbotron and now last time we had a jumbotron it was i think it was a we people were in a fight yeah they were sticking it to one another or

yeah but one person stuck it to the other one but we didn't get we never got a no one has uh followed up on that yeah which is disappointing is disappointing to me. But nevertheless, we soldier forth with this Jumbotron. Unrelated. Yes. I want a clean slate. I'm sorry I brought that other one.

Well, this message is for Natalie. And it's from Evan and Charlie. Take it away, Dave. Let's just let Natalie prepare herself. She's like, I recognize those names. Okay. You've listened to this podcast for 14 years, and it doesn't seem like you'll quit.

So what better way to immortalize your birthday than to get the guys to read you a message from our son, Charlie? I love you, Mommy. I hope you have a really good time in new york and one more thing you're the goat that's so cute maybe a mr bean happy b-day is that extra off we go i can't tell is that also in the kids voice or do we have to do a mr bean happy birthday? Do it, Graham. Happy birthday. No.

Nope, that's extra. Well, thanks for that. If anyone out there would like a message read on the show, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And now, for some overheards. Ju-oh-no-rah-sa-cary three beef and dairy all day. MaxFunDrive. Hey,0, we're all secure. 3 beef and dairy all day. Max Fun Drive. Hey, Chef, we got another one.

Another Max Fun Drive. People know it's the best time to support the shows they love. You tell them our meetup day is back? Sure did. They wanted to know about the live streams, though. Those are finishing up right now. We can even send one out on the first night, March 20th. March 20th, Chef! I'll give them a heads up.

They also wanted the limited time thank you gifts for new and upgrading members. Yep, and we got some fresh episodes ready to go too. Alright, we got exciting live streams, meet up day, fresh episodes, limited time gifts, oh and Boca! Yeah, um, okay, let them know that Max Fun Drive 2023 will be

ready on, um, March 20th, and it'll only be two weeks. Two weeks, Jeff! Max Fun Drive starts on March 20th and it'll only be two weeks two weeks jeff max fun drive starts on march 20th for just two weeks no problem order up shoot i forgot their water and now a live reading from rachel's poetry corner elephants theremin's clifton neopets pore strips jepson pine smell jelly beans Jelly Beans, Golygoles, Skittles, Squirrels, and the Mole, Celery Chopsticks, Pumpernickel,

A Case of You by Joni Mitchell, Lullabies Tie-Dye, The More You Know, all of these things on our wonderful show. All these things and more wait for you on Wonderful every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we hear things out there in the world. If you're lucky, you get to hear something real solid gold. You get like a real fancy good nugget of the thing that you've overheard and we encourage you not to keep them to yourself but to share them here on the podcast and we always like to start with the guest alana would you please tell us you're overheard oh i'm so excited i actually i do this again my own life all the time because i'm a people watcher and i heard something the other day that so i work near the hospital and uh which is just ground zero for the best things you hear because people are not either happy or things are bad and then that's when people have no filter ever

i was in starbucks the one at the hospital and these two doctors walk in and one of them was like oh that was weird when the heart was still for a minute and the other guy goes yeah what was that i was like i feel like you too of all the people i was like if you're at the stage of your career where you're looking at a heart you should hopefully know why it's not working yeah they just like took it out and smacked it a couple times get going you yeah that was so random i know what was going on it was so chewy yes yeah so that was that was at the hospital and then i had this other one the other night and i was laughing so hard when i got in the car i was like shaking trying to write

it down maybe you won't think it's so funny but i did this guy was in front of me at the little market corner market store and he was getting just a lottery ticket he was like i need a lottery tickets 43 million dollars and the lady was like okay yeah like okay i'll get that for you no problem and then he was like yeah if i win and i can finally get a wife and i was like what and the lady she was like 20 she was like in her like early 20s she just like just did not know what to do with that information so she just ignored it and so he just stood there and she just stood there and then he goes to get his wallet and really quietly he goes i don't even have a girlfriend he's not even starting with the basics.

Imagine if you had a girlfriend and she was like, yeah, I'll marry you if you win the lottery. Yeah. Oh, God. I was like, what are the chances of just somebody thinking I win this? Maybe too sad for this show. Oh, is it too sad? I'm sorry is it sad but you know what I hope he wins the lottery

yeah I hope he does I hope he gets a wife but then I hope he finds a wife the old fashioned way I hope like he you know hope he gains his fortune and loses it and then gets a wife yeah that's right when he finds somebody that doesn't want him for his money. And then he's like, she likes me for me.

Not because I won the freaking lottery. Yeah, I didn't think it was sad. I thought it was hopeful. I hope he does win and I hope he does get a wife and I hope she respects him as a person. Yeah. And not. Yeah. How many mega millions does it take to get respect is it like 10 15 oh and this city yeah it's true in this economy oh shit oh boy um well that's great is that too sad no no it's fine great um it's like okay well

look no i'm a bad person so maybe i just guess not that he was no i think you're a good person i think you're a good person yeah i'm ready to admit that you're a good person yeah okay um dave do you have an overheard mine is yeah it's from the doctor's office. I went to the doctor today. You know what he said? Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah. Nope. No?

He said no more monkeys jumping on the ground. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I didn't go to the freaking witch doctor, bro. I went to the doctor. I hurt my knee playing hockey okay uh and i do this thing i do this a great thing every single time i go to the doctor where i uh call the doctor they make an appointment for me 10 days away and by the time i get to the doctor i'm all better yes oh yeah but i'm like well i'm not i'm 90 better and then they're like you're fine yeah what do you want us to do yeah yeah i can hit you

with that little hammer thing and you can see your your leg go up a little bit but what i was describing to him he was like oh that's really serious i was like yeah and he was like well let me see it now it's fine it was like to get into my he was like, well, let me see it now. It's fine. It was like to get into my car, I had to physically like lift my leg. Oh, oh, wow. Can you, did you still have to? No, I'm fine. Anyway, so I'm at the doctor and, uh, at the like sign in place by the receptionist, there was a, uh, this overseen, there was a tray that was marked specimens, which I guess you leave your specimen there. Yeah, don't bring it with you. And there was just a post-it note in there that says

always check fridge for urine. We know what happened last week, Michael, when you put it in there. But I imagine that they like because there's you know a handful of people who work in the doctor's office they probably put their lunches in a fridge yeah that's true is it the same i don't know you gotta think you know like i think i have two separate that takes up so much room and the room that can be used for a vending machine so one uh one fridge and one there's not that many people there's like i don't know probably 10 people who work in the whole office

yeah that's was that enough for a vending machine um yes that's weird because i just thought about that right now like do the doctors eat lunch together? I always think of them as separate entities, but you're right. They all work in the same space. The thing about my doctor's office is they close for an hour at lunch. So you can't call between 12 and 1.

They won't have appointments between 12 and 1. That sounds very healthy actually. Leave it to doctors. Yeah. Good boundaries. Yeah. Well, at least they're receptionists. Maybe I should do that instead of Today I went to the office and my co-worker was like, hey, I'm headed out to get lunch. I know you're working right now. Do you want me to pick something up? And I was like, no, no, I'm going to go home at 2.30. I'll eat lunch then.

That's good. I don't want to do? And I was like, no, no, I'm going to go home at two 30. I'll eat lunch. That's good. I'm hungry. Then I came home and ate eggs. It's the best thing for you. Blast of protein. Um, I, uh,

I overheard you please. Courtesy of our city transit. I was walking out of the train, a couple of dudes walking into the train. And all I heard was him say, I tell people that I was toilet trained at nine. What for? I don't know. To what end?

Yeah, I mean. Like 9 a.m.? Yeah. It was the first thing in the morning. I was toilet trained at nine this morning. Weird. Yeah. am yeah it was the first thing in the morning i turned at nine this morning yeah there are kids that uh have different rates of learning these things god i mean some days i'm i might solve the question when when i'm toilet do you grab do you think that that person was lying because it was older or younger when they were toilet trained oh like they were actually 12 but then they yeah they bumped it down but not enough on first dates i

usually say no when we're on first dates when we're talking about when we were a toilet it's like if you were totally trained late i would lie but i'd lie better you know yeah i'd be like yeah i was normal yeah do you have any memory of when you were toilet trained? No. I don't either. No. Maybe, but maybe I'm conjuring it from an amalgam of them. I definitely have memories of when it all went wrong.

Yeah, I definitely remember wetting the bed on vacation and my sister being like, Mom! I'm going to pee in the bed! And my mom being like, she's's just a baby I wasn't a baby I was like four you leave Elena alone yeah I don't

I just remember you know like the procedure of it but I don't have any specific like stand out I don't remember

anything of it I just remember't have any specific like stand out i don't remember anything of it i just remember my brother singing to the tune of invisible touch by genesis or maybe phil collins dave seems to have an invisible penis he can't control it he pees all over the place oh man yeah you got rest but good he weirded out the song just for you yeah and he wasn't wrong i still pee all over the place but at that point i was toilet trained i was just in a hurry yeah wheeling it around swinging it that's how all men pee i feel like no no shame i love men but y'all bad at peeing yeah it's true it is true like universally it's true and i don't there's i don't know why we've uh been allowed to to do it i really feel like it's not your fault though i feel like the toilets are so low to the

ground yeah and we're and men are so tall yeah and they're so tall we're so tall i feel like they should just have a hole in the wall that they can. Thank you. That's that's what I, that's why I've been making these dime sized holes. Pee and patch. That's what I do. We have a real bad water problem in the basement. Now we also have overheards sent in from people

all over the map. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Keegan in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. And all these overheards are from people cheating on their spouses or

fiancés. Shout out to Dave. I was just at my favorite pub. Uh, given your adoration of classic WWF characters,

I thought you might enjoy this. On the wall, they had various signs and memorabilia. Among them was a signed picture of the hitman.

Written on it was the best wings I never had. Signed, Brian the Heartman Savage. A fun mashup of three different

wrestlers' names. Was it, who are the three wrestlers' names. Was it... Who are the three wrestlers? Who's Brian? Oh, I think his name is... What the hell is his last name? Brian... Fuck.

Boitano? Yeah, Brian Boitano. That's it. Brian Boitano. Fred the Hitman Hart and Randy Marshall. Randy Savage, yeah. So three friends. And he didn't have the wings? Yeah, that's theman heart and Randy Marshall. Yeah. So three for, he didn't have the wings.

Yeah. That's the part. It's screws me up is why would you write that? You never had the wings. Maybe that's to stand out. It obviously stood out because this person was able to see it, but I, so I played hockey the other night,

my knees all better. Yeah. And scored two goals, had to assist. No big deal. Uh, but afterwards there's a pub we go to and like four different guys ordered teriyaki chicken wings. What are the chances?

I was like, I didn't understand. Like, did one of them order it and the rest were like, oh, that looks good. Like, there's so many different flavors yeah but that's the good one i mean i like i like them spicy oh yeah okay okay graham what's your go-to chicken wing some sort of fake chicken wing you know made with whatever they feel like making it a cauliflower oh yeah yeah yeah cauliflower or the like the soy ones from me, but the flavor. Oh, flavor. I like a crispy barbecue, something like that.

Not too sweet, but a nice barbecue glaze. How about yourself? Okay. Yeah, I like the hot ones. But it was just arms full of teriyaki. Just like waitresses coming by. They even, I think, were like, oh, I think they ordered five teriyakis. And then she brought out an extra teriyaki chicken wings.

And everyone was like, no, we only ordered four. And then they were like, actually, leave those fifth teriyaki wings. We'll eat those. Oh, I love when that happens at restaurants. Where you just get an extra? Free shit, yeah. Hell yeah. Well, someone's got to pay for it, though.

Have you seen The Economy? Yeah, The Economy sucks. Open up the business section of the newspaper for once. I can't read. This next one comes from J.E. from the UK. This is overheard. Comes from a friend. On my train to work this morning, there was a family that were clearly on their way to Disneyland Paris.

Ooh, la la la child one our train is going to go underwater child two no it's going underground child one no if it was underground you'd be able to hear worms that's some sound logic that is some sound logic absolutely yeah i don't hear any worms wiggling around but like, would you hear fish? Yeah. You would, you know, eels. You would hear eels, kind of the worms in the sea. Sea worms.

But it goes under both. Yeah, that's right. So you hear worms screeching and then all of a sudden you don't for a while. What do they mean by their screeches? They're just, they're in constant pain yeah they scream for sure yeah yeah stop cutting us in half or it doesn't make two two new worms yeah it's a myth and we're we're tired of it getting propagated by snails and stop making making kids to put them on a fishing hook stop it stop that practice yeah yeah did you ever read that book how to eat fried worms yeah i did what was

it like a challenge to a kid that he had to do it like a kid did a bet that he would eat fried worms every day yeah i remember this book yeah and it was why could he not have them sauteed can we get it in some teriyaki sauce for the table? And there was one day when he, his friend who he made the bet with, took him out to a baseball game and filled him up with hot dogs and, uh, you know,

uh, popcorn and cotton candy in an effort to make him not hungry for worms later that night. But then he like ate worms really loud so the guy heard him. This is great. That's a great book. I like this synopsis. Boys didn't have Are You There

Goddess Me Margaret. Oh, you missed out. Sorry, I didn't. This comes from Lo in New Orleans. i passed by two men chatting on a street corner one extremely tall and the other one very short the call the tall guy was saying you're a weird little dude i like that you know we're the little kid but you know i like it that's all you ever want to hear people say right that they like you yeah yeah i like your what makes you you're so random

what i had this happen to me once somebody i was okay i don't talk about this often because i don't like gynecological humor i don't think it's oh i do this is what we're about but during a gynecological visit it's like you know you sit back and you're not paying attention and the gynecologist just very just like not talking to me certainly not talking to me just go oh you're a little shy aren't you and i was like i don't know who you're talking to certainly not me and so i can only assume they're talking she was talking inside to inside me you're a shy little guy oh wow yeah the vagina monologues he's just practicing his vagina yeah true vagina dialogue who is she talking to um that's crazy i don't think that should be happening ever that sounds awful

give me his number I'll go beat him up it's her it was a her oh I can't do that don't give me the number Graham wants to beat up a woman let it be told I will not when I go to the gynecologist it's weird my gynecologist

is always like she goes like she's expecting a little kitty to come here kitty kitty we call it it'll come yeah uh-huh in addition overhears the written in that was three right yeah in addition overhears that are written and we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. Spy pod one.

Like these people have. Ooh, do you think it was the stool from Robin Hood? Prince of Thieves? I'm going to text him right now. Find out what stool it was. It was, was made Marion in that movie.

The, uh, what's her face from Scarface what's her Scarface yeah good poll okay hi Dave and Graham and fabulous guests this is Alex from San Paulo Minnesota

and I was just ordering bagels at a bagel shop and this guy's older gentleman came in after me to order bagels and he says I've never had bagels before. That's the first thing that comes to mind. I've never had bagels before.

What goes on a bagel? Butter? Hashbrowns? Do you put hashbrowns on a bagel? And then she explained to him the concept of cream cheese and he's like oh I don't know he left

he left anyway away I go it's off I go yeah it's a new food to you right? there's no shame in that but I do like the idea of somebody who's got hash browns on the mind it's just going from

place to place you guys do hash browns I want to know how you explain cream cheese oh yeah I still don't get it what it's cheese how would you how do you explain it's not very cheesy no not at all even as far as like

as far as like soft cheeses go yeah no it's like a it's like a spreadable sour cream most sour cream is spreadable yeah like a thick thicker yeah it's i mean i i maybe i'm i'll be canceled for this but i like my bagels with butter yeah me too i like i like a bagel with butter no no probs especially if it's some like just like bread bagel that's bagel and name only i'm looking at you tim hortons uh i will enjoy a buttered if you get one from starbucks they don't even butter it for you it's it's what do they do they just give you they give you a bagel and then like little knife and little butter cup to do it yourself so they give you butter yeah but it's just like must be nice yeah you're lactose intolerant,

but for grains, grains. Uh, uh, yeah, I want them to butter it for me. Yeah, exactly.

But I don't want to chore. I, now I want hash browns and I literally don't know where I would go right at this minute to get hash browns. Cause like, I think all the breakfast places are closed. Right. I mean, Denny's. Yes. and i literally don't know where i would go right at this minute to get hash browns because like i think all the breakfast places are closed right i mean denny's yes but where's their denny's didn't they close the last one my neighbor i remember my neighbor said we're going to we're going to the denny's before it closes

well it'd be something to see the first time a Denny's closes, you know, like, yeah, like watching a building implode. Like, this is it. We're doing it. Oh, you know that a lot of Denny's don't even have locks on the door. Because why would you need? What would you need a lock for the 24 hours? That's like that bar in Dawson City in the Yukon. The Westminster Hotel doesn't ever close.

Doesn't ever close. It's like it hasn't. I was there in 2009. I'm pretty sure it's it's like it hasn't i well i was there in 2009 i'm pretty sure it's still open it hasn't closed ever it's open 24 hours a day because the second that they close they have to be um they can't be in business anymore they're like under some warning of the set like when you close that's that's awesome yeah yeah so they're just like okay it's like a curse i like that yeah cool cool northern canada vibes that's the one the one on broadway is closed but there's one on southwest marine drive i thought the one on marine drive was the one that was closing

no broadway broadway is there one downtown uh there's one downtown. Oh, yeah, of course. It's on Davie Street. The Disco Denny's. It's below a dance club, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't dance. Don't ask me. Yeah, that's true. Any update on whether the school is from Hohenloos? I texted my brother, not getting back to me is he are you in a fight no well we might be what time is it what time is it in calgary it is 4 48 no no it's gotta be 6 48 okay here's your next phone call hi Hi, Dave and Graham and guest. This is Kevin from Tucson, Arizona.

I sing in a choir at a church on weekends. And a couple weeks ago, there was a baptism. And the pastor said, oh, well, the girl's family, the baptized girl's family, she was like six, has brought cupcakes for everyone. And he had a note and said that these cupcakes had semi-edible butterflies on the top, and the pastor was confused and chuckled, and the congregation chuckled. And he says, I guess we'll find out what semi-edible means later. And then you hear a little voice from the congregation. It was the baptizee, and she yells, it means that you can eat them, but they taste gross.

And I thought that was really funny. Thank you very much. Bye-bye. Nice. Nice, nice. That's so cute. Would you... Elena, are you baptized?

I don't even know what I mean. Graham, are you baptized? I think so, yeah. I don't remember it. I remember more about being a toilet train than anyone. I remember I was baptized in the name of the father and there are two other guys there i got it i got the kevin costner movie it's called let him go let him go yeah no unacceptable not one of us more well-known it works no your brother got swindled yeah it's made up they were able to find it so fast 2020 2020 yeah oh it was directed by thomas bazucha and

it's weird that kevin costner plays a corpse in this movie as well bazoocha and it's weird that kevin costner plays a corpse in this movie as well stars diane lane and kevin costner as margaret and george black ledge nice oh boy oh think of how they would have stooled in this movie also started jeffrey donovan from burn notice oh okay nice with a cast like that you can't miss laying Costner. The other guy with the stool, the stool, the stool got third billing. So where is it in their house?

Like where do they have it? Uh, right in the front room as you walk in underneath where the coats hang up underneath the coat. So they use it. They're going to use it. Oh yeah. It's,

it's great. They're not, yeah, they haven't placed it in Lucite and they watched this movie to see the yeah and they found it almost immediately it was in like one of the first scenes so you should uh print out a picture of it and get it in like a fun little frame and they can put it right above the stool that's a really good idea maybe i'll do that here's the plot of the movie okay a retired sheriff and his wife grieving over the death of their son set out to find their only grandson

hell of a log line feel good hit of the year lord a nice fluffy movie nice date movie yeah yeah cute hey stool fans check this out do you think there's like one of those websites you know the ones where you go and like you look at like you can look up the time in every movie where you can find boobs they have that for stool heads like stool heads mrstool.com that's a great idea yeah oh wow that's i mean that's a that's a thousand dollar idea if you own www.mrstool.com speaking of a thousand dollar idea what does your brother pay for this stool oh that's a good question i do not know but i know that is it too gauche to ask i uh

oh i can ask Ask him right now. We may have to do this as a two-parter. Yeah, yeah. He'll get back to you. We'll play another phone call. Okay, okay. Here's your final phone call, and we'll riff on the phone call. I guarantee it'll be so much fun.

And then we'll find out. Do we want to guess? Yeah, I want to guess. It was at a flea market graham do you have a guess before you hear an answer uh i want to say that they paid 100 for this oh yeah you've seen that you've seen it so you have i'm gonna say 173 i'm gonna say 800 so okay here's your final phone call. Dave Graham, esteemed guest. This is Nathan in Chicago with an overheard working at the bar. And a couple on a first date.

A young man just keeps talking about himself. And what I overheard was, have I been to Europe? No. Would I like to? Sure. Can I play the piano? Not really. But am I a musician? Sure. Can I play the piano? Not really. But am I a musician?

You bet your ass. All right. Away I go. Yeah, I've got deep musician vibes. They're inside me somewhere. The music lives inside me. I just need someone to let it out. And maybe it's you.

Oh, yeah. They had sex that night for sure. And he was very musical about it. He played her like a trumpet. Oh yeah, they had sex that night for sure. And he was very musical about it. He played her like a trumpet. We all. The sexiest instrument. What's the thing that they played?

To wake up the military. What is the sexiest instrument, you might ask? I am asking. I think he played her more like a okay okay wait we're ready you're ready i have to figure an answer none of your business is the answer uh i said 100 lana said 170 it's britney sorry yes, Brittany. And Dave, you said 800? 800, yeah. Came in at $40. $40.

And my sister-in-law Renee followed it up with, but it's priceless. And it's true. It is priceless now. It's found its forever home. That stool. 40 big ones. Imagine how much it would have been if it was just a normal stool.

Yeah. It didn't even meet Kevin Costner. Yeah. So there you go, 40 bucks. Next time you're at the flea market, keep your eyes open for things that were used in a Costner movie. Water World, et cetera. Yeah, the bodyguard.

The bodyguard. Field of Dreams. Field of Dreams. Yeah, maybe you'll find it like a... Corn, etc. Yeah, the bodyguard. Field of Dreams. Field of Dreams, yeah, maybe you'll find a... Corn. Stock of corn. Well, that brings us to the end of this podcast. Alana, this was so much fun.

Thank you for being a guest on our show. Thank you so much for having me. You guys are the best. No, you are. We can all are the best uh no you are no go on we can all be the best time for okay okay and uh thank you everybody out there for listening and uh you know what just to get out there get out there and see the world you know it doesn't you can get out there before you get out there just so everyone knows next week is the start of the max fun drive oh yeah don't you dare walk out on us yeah this is the time we need you the most uh there's uh

you know uh we'll be bringing uh some of some big heat starting next week and you'll uh we'll be asking you to support the show and we'll also um you know there might be a certain stool up for grabs yeah exactly but you know we need to be kept in stool money as well so that's true we like if you could support the show it would really help us graham and i don't have 40 to rub together and and we would rub each other together for $40 absolutely and I'd let everybody watch let it be filmed the bidding starts at $55 let's go I'd watch that

do I hear $55 do I hear $50 $40 $45 $40 okay $30 thanks everybody out there for listening like Dave said next week max fun drive thanks for listening bye bye don't usually normally normally come on back next week for another episode of stop podcast yourself bye MaximumFun.org

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