Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 786 - Nathan Macintosh

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

Comedian Nathan Macintosh joins us to talk Super Soakers, digging dogs, and trifle.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 786 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, boy, what can I say about him that hasn't already been said? You know what? He's just, he's the apple of my eye. He's the sunshine of my life. It's Mr. Dave Shumka. Um, yep, that's what I i am i thought you might say something about this cool zipper i have on oh i didn't know that there was a zipper on your sleeve shit

yeah oh man i buried the lead open though oh i can what can i keep in here a bookmark a little guy a little um like an army man yeah an arm i also have places to put pens, I think. Yeah. Or cigarettes, maybe. These little pen holes. Yeah, for me, when I smoked cigarettes, it was all about wrapping the whole pack up in the sleeve. Oh, sure. I have an individual, it's like a pocket protector for my cigarettes. For your cigars.

How come in those movies where guys wore pocket protectors, I guess they were nerds, they didn't smoke? Yeah, they were nerds. Like back in the day, I think you had to have all sorts of different widths of pens for different projects, I guess. Oh yeah, sure. When you're drawing the frickin' lunar lander. If you saw a person today wearing a pocket protector, that would be amazing. That would be a huge fashion choice. I own two really i

don't know where they are that's when i bought myself a grandin toy and the other one i uh found somewhere and it was like branded with some nerd company nice nice boindexter and sutton geek squad yeah the wedgie family uh our guest today first time guest here on the podcast so glad to have him he's a comedian who just recently was uh doing comedy on the big show the tonight show in new york it's uh nathan mcintosh thanks for joining us thanks for having me guys uh this this is the best i'm happy to be here it's uh this is great this is this is um uh you know a show a million years in the making so it all has led up to this uh yeah when people don't know this is our last episode wow no is it yeah it's all

led up to this moment i'm happy to be here for the last one uh i think i met dave when you guys were already 37 years into this cast so So I'm happy to be here. This started the day that Cheers started, right? Yeah. Yeah, we were, it was us head to head against Cheers. Our show's also produced by Ubu. I remember seeing the TV guides as a kid. Stop podcasting yourself versus Mayday Malone.

And there was, you know, it was... They crushed us. They absolutely had a way bigger... Well, they had writers and they had cameos from people. And, you know, Frasier was there. Yeah, Ted Danson was also handsome. Sometimes Harry Anderson would come by and do a magic trick yes and what's her name christie alley r.i.p lady big big few years there did you when it was on

when it was originally on tv did you watch it or was it something you discovered in reruns because i feel like i never watched it when it was actually a new show. No, it's not something that I sat for. I was a child. I watched it the last couple of years live because it was when Seinfeld was on.

The first few years of Seinfeld were the last few years of Cheers. I remember the big finale and how it was the biggest thing in the world yeah i don't remember what happens they closed the bar i guess sell the bar they close it they close i don't know they sell the bars made it the last thing in the whole thing is him closing the thing and you know beating off into the bar one more time before he walks upstairs the someone knocks on the door and he says we're closed and that's the end of it i that's we never know who that mystery person is

no so i'm drunk i'm drunk who wants to drink after whatever than that what's the sitcom that came right after cheers that's who it was it was david schwimmer trying to get a drink and then they go he walks upstairs and friends that show friends when i was a child i don't know how you guys feel about it i i know i know what you're gonna say i hope you do dave because this would be great if you did the the actual show itself okay great that intro is awful that song is terrible black and white photos of the dead. When I was a kid, I'm like, this is the most horrific thing. It's like the beginning of a

Holocaust documentary. I hate it. It is kind of a sad, kind of a sad opening. It's got the kind of sad, what is it, piccolo or something? I did like how they sometimes would get an old dead person a

photo of an old dead person and i would be like huh that that guy looks like woody harrelson yeah i never knew if the title like the name that was on screen was supposed to correspond with the dead person yeah it didn't always but i think woody did i think it was a young woody looking dude yeah but yeah the beginning of that i i truly hated it made me as a kid horrified and then i that's not what i thought you were gonna say i didn't think so but what did you think i was gonna say i thought you're gonna say too dark too dark and brown oh yeah like for a kid to watch oh oh i know i i well coming from halifax i spent a lot of time in bars as a child so it's like right right in there i started going to bars when i was like 10 not alone what was your take me but what was your drink when you were 10 what what did you uh what was your regular milk

on the rocks man just straight milk on the rocks just straight two percent on ice i did actually like um what remember a shirley temple kicked ass with the sword and the and oh yeah and the cherry i mean that was a good time was there i remember boy i feel like it was some movie where maybe Bill Murray was a tough guy in the 90s. Okay. Could have been called Mad Dog and Glory. Maybe, yeah. And there was a, I might be conflating two different things, but I feel like there was a movie where someone ordered a Chivas and milk, which is like whiskey and milk, I think. Wow.

Wow. milk which is like whiskey and milk i think wow wow i think any any time that you're drinking alcoholic beverages and milks involved it's a tough it's a tough uh road that you've put from my first love uh as an alcohol drinker was the grasshopper what was the grasshopper it's cream not even milk it's cream with creme de menthe and creme de cacao it tastes like that's disgusting tastes like an after eight it just sounds so goopy also with ice cubes in it oh yikes okay let's get to know us get to know us what if that was your your drink and you just you just ordered it at a bar assuming they would know how to make it like you'd order a manhattan you just say give me a famous drink a grasshopper

really yeah oh man i'm just and then when i first i remember when i first like bought booze for myself i think it was in my first like living alone i was like well i'll go to the liquor store buy some i don't know creme de cacao creme de banana and the person at the liquor store was like do you work at a bakery yeah that is a horrible drink it's i would it's good today I would love it. I worked at just cream related. Whipping cream type deal. Get on top.

I worked at Starbucks for years. When I was working there in Halifax, there was a guy who came in who wanted a venti latte made with whipping cream like and we'd go like dude are you are you sure you know what you're doing but like so he wants instead of instead of the

milk he wants you to pour whipping cream pours pours he he wants so throw milk out milk milk is gone right he's like take the milk dump it right in the trash put whipping cream in milk's place so we're steaming whipping cream which is that it makes butter it sounds like a pig is being maliciously beaten in a Starbucks. It's a horrible noise. And he wanted that whole deal. There's no way that man's alive today. Was it, did you make it?

What do, yeah. What are we going to do? Get out? Like, did, did it come out? Like,

did it, it sounded again. It sounded horrific. Like it's, it's, it's, I know, but you don't,

you don't just drink with your ears, man. the was the drink a drink at the end he could have he drank he drank the drink i never drank his drink if this is the question you're asking me i didn't know i'm saying was the like it wasn't badder yes it's just hot Hell In a cup I love cream We all know what a venti size is It's huge Like yay big And you

Nathan you must have worked in Starbucks before the era of you Having to put the sugars and milks in For the Customer because that's what they do now They do? of you having to put the sugars and milks in for the customer. Because that's what they do now. They do? Yeah.

There's no station anymore where people. Yeah. At least the ones I've been to, they say like, what do you want? Do you want milk or sugar? And it's probably for the best, to be honest, because those condiment stations were a living hell. Is that just in Vancouver? It might be just in Vancouver. But but uh it's definitely i've been to yeah people did used to come in with their own cups and just

take milk and walk straight out of the fucking building just walks in with a big bag of oreos yeah yeah sure thing oh mini wheat one of those cereal boxes the mini cereal boxes yeah and they're like oh we see him coming grab the milk grab the milk yeah people would destroy that thing rip sugars open dump them all over the place and then if something wasn't there they wouldn't like come to the counter and go hey they would just they'd be making whatever their trash was and just turn and be like milk milk and he'd be like man give me a minute dude this it's hell here like there's just there's lines all over the place you know yeah but we're trying to buy nora jones cds i used to steal cds from there all the

time uh yeah what kind of music were you talking about here uh at the time i mean uh springsteen had a new album out and i wasn't really listening to these things i was just taking them because fuck them you know this is the thrill yeah the thrill the thrill just that i would take i took a police greatest hit cd never opened it nice i used to take those little like the police yeah fuck the police you know defund the police that's what i have yeah yeah steal steal the police is what i like the big signs i have when i'm marching down the street um yeah there's something irresistible about uh stealing from work if you can you know it's especially something that's not gonna be missed you know there's just a thrill of

like when i were to toys r us i would take little take little things like a silly putty or something know it's especially something that's not gonna be missed you know there's just a thrill of like when i worked at toys r us i would take little take little things like a silly putty or something like that have to put into my underwear though because they checked my bag on the way out oh really yeah which was smart of them they would be like what's that silly putty sized bulge in your underwear sir there's a video that was going around of a man getting patted down by a police officer and then him like honking on the front of his crotch and being like what do you got there and the guy says it's my penis he goes oh yes your penis okay did he go honk he said honk kong awooga but yeah it was like uh it was so funny because you know that's gonna happen right uh what was

like to work at i worked on the night shift so i don't really know like what it was like when customers were there you and four guys with skullets just bringing in stretch arms off a truck it was the most ragtag team of uh just like people what was the like most expensive thing at toys r us at the time because i can tell you what they seem to have now probably the video game section was probably the most expensive but then they also had like a bunk bed that you could buy and i feel like that was really pretty expensive some super soakers that were pretty expensive at times super soaker the one with the backpack and the big handle that was like yeah

and it had batteries yeah it's like a hundred some dollars in the 90s yeah you now have these basically motorized, a small scale Cadillac Escalade for your asshole kid to drive. Oh, yes. Yeah. I love those. I wanted one of those so bad as a kid. Me too. Having a little car. My kids, I think it's insane that I won't get them one.

I did too. I was like, what the hell mom yeah yeah i feel like a durango yeah you're tired of driving me to school here's the this problem solves itself a bunch of kids lined up just carpooling themselves in their tiny little battery operated escalades is cute and amazing yeah and environmentally friendly so everybody wins and what does it cost it's a power wheels cadillac escalade i love it it's worth 400 900 for i say 900 wow darn it uh let's just see 400 will be a steal as far as i'm concerned 900 is like a car uh the one they have on the toys r us website is a ford f-150 raptor awesome okay um and the kids in this picture are having the time of their lives yeah of course 700 700 okay 700 bucks um that means nathan you were the closest because i went over so totally i'm still way off that's why 700 is a lot of money but that's just it also kicks ass yeah yeah like you would be the envy of every

kid at your school or on your street at the very least yeah uh. And now I'm also going to Google top speed. Any guesses on that? Top speed, I bet it gets all the way, like when you're really cranking it, I think it gets up to eight kilometers an hour. I was going to say 10. Yeah. The Barbie Dream Camper.

Oh, the top five. Okay, kidcars.tv has the top five. Okay. Kid cars. Dot TV has the top five pet fastest power wheels. Now the, sure. The DC friends, Kawasaki Batman, uh, it can go. Um, oh, there's two answers. Sorry. A maximum speed of 2.5 and six miles per per hour depending on whether the high speed lock is on or off it's off dude yeah i had a friend who had like he had his own go-kart and uh would go race

on the weekends and he had something there was something called the limiter, which would limit you to a certain speed and everybody ripped theirs off so that it could go maximum speed. And, uh, I was, I didn't, at the time I didn't think how peculiar a pastime this guy had, but I guess back in the day,

you could be a go-kart kid. I just drove a go. I told you, I drove a go-kart two weeks ago. It was the greatest day of my life. Go-karts are great. There was also a lot of kids movies at the time drove a go-kart two weeks ago it was the greatest day of my life go-karts are great there was also a lot of kids movies at the time that had go-karts blank check had a go-kart richie rich had a go-kart any kid with a dollar had a go-kart in a movie in the 90s it's true

um do you remember the first time you went go-karting because i have a very very mental image of a very mental image very like most most image is totally mental so this image is so sick dude i i don't remember i was a kid i only went once or twice i think i remember it was indoor uh on the like ice floor the ones that they just grease that you can completely slide around you know yeah yeah um yeah i remember being awesome that's all i really remember it being amazing yeah i've that was my recollection and also t-boning somebody and thinking like that's pretty cool that you're allowed to do this are you allowed to do that no you're probably not but who's gonna stop you that they blow a whistle and there's no other consequence.

I went once when I was a kid for my friend's birthday party and I loved it. And then I begged my dad to take me back. And I like when my dad took me, it was such a disappointment because it was like for the birthday party we got to go for like half an hour and then like with my dad they're like all right once around once around because this is sad quite frankly yeah without any friends yeah we're on dad time everybody out yeah that's gotta be somewhere my dad uh folded up uh 20 bucks and told the guy just once around please sir yeah i know you don't want to do this at all but please i went to an indoor one have you guys been to an indoor one that's the one

you were talking about nathan right that is the one time i did indoor i felt like there was no ventilation so it was just like a bunch of lawnmowers in an enclosed environment yeah and also i mean the people that work there must just be, yeah, fully fucked. They probably have commercials soon that are like, did you work in a RPM from 91 to 99? Are your lungs black from go-kart tar? Yeah, you might be entitled to some compensation. You might be entitled to a go-kart ride.

They just give them a go-kart ride. This is the last thing I want. Oh, Graham, imagine if you worked a night shift at a go-kart track. You got two skullets. You have a skullet in the front and the back. There was a guy. I'm trying to think of the crew that I was with. There was a woman who was having a difficult time stopping using meth so that was that was a topic of conversation most nights is how's it going on

the meth front it's bad it's bad for me right now yeah it was always bad there was a guy who very early on like would have been way ahead of his time was like an mma fighter and so this was before usc even existed so this was probably having matches in like underground fight clubs and stuff he's probably having them at other stores like in a zeller's a sears during the day shift at zeller's and uh there was a woman who uh she it didn't look like she'd ever been in the light ever she's kind of like like you know when you see a mole like coming out of the ground it was like that she was kind of like a mole and then the supervisor who took the job so seriously even though i was like you know after christmas is done we're all going to be fired right

there's no point in taking ownership over this job and we all were so night shift is um uh it is the trolls of society this is who we uh shove into the darkness you know if people saw who moved their stuff like because when you walk into a target or walmart or whatever the hell i mean it's all kind of hell but there's lights on the people that work there, for the most part, have their parts, you know? They're not wearing eye patches. They don't have big scars on their face.

They're not addicted to meth, hopefully, in the open. Hopefully, yeah. The people that brought the jeans to the front, the expendables. These people are mism mismatched uh fucking nightmare really they're kind of are you know the most important people in society yeah we can't run this thing without them yeah like yeah just that's what i kind of thought that was kind of my thought was like when you're buying a stuffy you have no idea who's been handling that thing so like i i don't know

that i would ever buy one from a store like that like i'd maybe i'd go like a mom and pop shop but like if you knew the people who are touching those things you wouldn't want your kid to be touching them as well so well a mom and pop shop they'd be the worst of their children you know the freaks that they wish they didn't have the mutants one arm's longer than the other one big fucking teeth just some gnarled up monster i think they can maybe actually just handle this restocking during the day show it's a mom and pop shop after all they could but we we do have to put goblins to work because if we didn't this people be being eaten in the streets most people are okay okay i just want you to know a lot of our listeners are goblins yeah we all we all are

we all do you think anybody on this stream is part of the gorgeous elite? We have to work. Well, I mean, I was wrong with my webcam. Apparently the the weird thing was sometimes like I worked in the educational toy section, which was very boring and very easy to stock because nobody was buying anything from it but there was yeah you were stuck with a zone that was you stayed in the whole time and uh sometimes in the back they would just have piles and piles of one type of toy that didn't sell i guess and they'd just be like a hundred of them in the back i was like how could you made such a miscalculation that you have hundreds of these things left over disney disney will like sometimes make a flop of a movie and they'll just assume it's not a flop and they'll be like well sure surely you all want

i don't know yeah i'm trying to think of a bomb of seems like the last couple well i could be pinocchio didn't nobody liked pinocchio yeah that's true the tom hanks and he was an ugly fucking trash bag of a puppet that thing would have been working at 2 a.m and so well yeah geppetto himself was working at 2 a.m yeah that's right he was making his own goblin staff. Yeah. We like to promote in-house. We don't want to go outside. Nepotism in here.

That's our motto. I didn't know that, what's it called? Toys R Us had an educational toy section. I never made it that far back there. You know, you stop at the fun toys. Pick one of those and get out. Well, and it it was they were up front because there was no like you would put the cool stuff in the back so that people would have walked through the store to get them but nobody's gonna like go and look at a you know pyrite rock

set or whatever oh yeah like the stuff that would be at the gift shop of the science museum yes yeah so like you know a thing that you you dig and find the dinosaur bones and yeah all that kind of stuff i want a nerf gun yeah exactly give me that super soaker i keep mentioning every single day did you when you were a kid uh did you sled were you sledder was there sledding in halifax was that like a no sled during the winter they were outlawed yeah they were outlawed in the 70s i had a um yeah i had one of those i mean crazy carpet obviously for a while and then i got one of those gt racers i was just gonna ask gt snow racer gt snow racer honest to god might be one of the greatest

fucking things that ever happened to somebody's childhood. What a party with the goddamn steering wheel. And I mean, it's one of the best things ever. Yeah, it really is. My brother has a kid and I think my parents have kept our GT Snow Racer. So I think he's going inherit the uh inherit the wind basically the wind

do they last for generations are they not intended to uh explode at some point I wonder yeah

they gotta last plastic and metal yeah yeah that's the problem though I feel plastic is usually uh

just breaks down after a while it ends up in uh every cell of my body did it have a break on it i did have a break but it had breaks that drove into the snow it was like claw breaks that you you're just basically uh fred flintstoning into the ground with these little knives but that thing was amazing yeah uh did you when you got yours did it come with a free poster of brett hull that was no he was the person who was an endorser for gt snow razor yeah why not a hockey player you're like it's cold and cold that goes together famous letters ice yeah on to ice i mean the jamaican bobsled team they could have done it they're famous that actually would have

been better or if they just would have if everybody just would have manned up and had this be one of the winter olympic sports gt oh my god snow racing yeah part of this the event is going back up the hill like that's whoever can get back up the hill the fastest dragging yourself back up a hill after you crash into a tree at the bottom of it i flew off a hill one time into somebody's car because we used to we used to park car yeah park car we used to go down there was these two hills but the second one went into a parking lot behind an apartment building and that one was just ice um and i flew directly into somebody's car it's brutal well did you damage it did you damage yourself dave damaged the car i couldn't tell you i smoked into it and was like

ow and then got my gt racer went back up the hill yeah i didn't even look at this guy's car that has nothing to do with me i'm 10 get that that's his problem and he's like what small car would have caused this side sway just gt uh written on the side of it from the imprint yeah uh you don't dave you don't have a snow racer for because you you've gone sledding a few times yeah yeah but we don't get enough snow to to invest in a snow racer it's true that's true yeah maybe be cool be cool if somebody oh it would be cool then yeah okay i'll do it no no if somebody had like gt snow racer rentals on the like you know on the couple of weeks that it snows here i mean other cities you make a killing if you're

renting because you don't really want a gt snow racer you just want to be on one right like what are you doing with it when it's at home the upkeep you're you're you're envisioning a gt snow racer much like a horse yes they're cool to look at but then you're like come on i gotta feed it i gotta yeah i gotta store this thing that's why it's where people are always renting horses yeah well i think you can right can you yeah mean, it's really hard to get them back through the slot when you return them. It'd be tough. Yeah. When you,

uh, when you were a kid, the late fees on this horse, I'm like, hurry the fuck up guy. Giddy up, buddy. You're costing me money.

Um, when you were a kid was there, cause I feel like that was the thing at toys r us was there was one hot toy that every like it would be sold out every day and you'd be able to restock them but diminishing amounts where it was like then sometimes you just had one left to like a tickle me elmo type of thing whichever was like the hot toy when you're a kid. You thought Elmo was hot? Yeah.

Okay. It's the way he wears a shirt. I think it's... He doesn't wear a shirt. It's the way he wants to be touched, Dave, clearly. Oh, did Tickle Me Elmo have a shirt? Yeah, I think so. Okay, because...

Not mine. I'll tell you that right now. First thing I removed. I took him out of the box, I made him naked. I never had a Tickle Me Elmo. What a disgusting thing that was. It was disgusting.

And, you know, I think, like, in years prior, it had been things like Cabbage Patch Kids. Yeah. But, like, when I worked at the Toys R Us, it was one particular Lego set that that was of it was a fifa soccer lego set and uh man oh man like people you could tell like all sorts of shelves have just been knocked onto the floor for people trying to grab this uh wow i would have stole one

if i had a way to get it out find one you had to get like the like the cricket set yeah exactly you have to get this this is just as good i never heard of this thing it's just like i i don't know if they existed when i was a kid but they're like these sets of lego not just like a bucket like oh totally totally i can picture it but i just don't remember you know what i mean because soccer one yeah tickle me elmo i've i've seen it in person i remember when stretch armstrong was a big deal i saw it you know super soakers nerf guns all that kind of stuff but i've never i never went to somebody's house or something and they were like you gotta check out my fifa lego i murdered a guy to get this yeah exactly yeah but don't mind all the blood on the box yeah yeah

when i was a kid it was stick and hoop i was a big yeah stick and hoop was the hot toy or uh tiddlywinks that uh ball that you try to catch in a cup cup ball straight in a cup yeah have you doing your kid did you because i feel like those were things that our parents were like, here, try this crappy thing from my youth. Oh, do you remember what the crappy things from our youth were? Devil sticks? Devil sticks has got to be on that list for sure. game that you hold in your hand but it's just a uh it's like a cube full of water or like a container of water that you press on and you're like pushing air through to like make a hoop go over a target yeah like nathan's looks completely befuddled by this i've never heard of this and i

mean in nova scotia is one of the poorer provinces. This seems like a thing that would have made it to us. I have no idea what you're talking about. Well, maybe I'm doing a bad job of describing it, but you know what I mean. Do a better one, Dave. Okay. Boy, you're holding it. It's like, okay. You're squishing it with your fingers, but it's hard.

It's hard, but it's got squishy bits for your fingers. And there's air in it. There's water in the air but it's got squishy bits for your fingers and you there's air in it there's water in the air it's the same description you get it at the dollar store yeah yeah i was at past guests uh mark chavez's house and somebody there solved it got all the rings on the stick or whatever is the they worked on it like for an hour at the gathering, and then they finally got it to go. Oh, that's fun. I feel like that would be something you'd find in a doctor's office

waiting room, that game. Right? Like when you were a kid? Air, water, ring, stick? Yeah, I feel like there was a box of crappy toys at the doctor. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, not now. I i mean it'd be awesome but now if there was a stretcher armstrong that you could just goof around with while you're waiting for

your doctor it'd be fantastic yeah those old wrestling uh action figures the giant yeah rubber guys rubber ones you could literally kill somebody with well i just googled air water ring toy Yeah And yeah those are the words Because a million of them are coming up Boy A little homework for you to do after the show Yeah I'm going to buy one I'm going to buy one

That's what I'm going to And I figured it out This has nothing to do with anything Other than I still kind of feel bad about this So as a kid To r us they had um do you guys remember when the second i mean i've referenced this so many times now but with the second super soaker came out it was a double barrel gun it's called the xxp175 it had two barrels it's like a pump action shotgun you're you're basically terminator with this thing my friend had one and i was like i have to have one so my mom takes me to uh toys r us

and or a zeller's one of the two whatever and uh we get in there my mom's like all right go find this this fucking thing um and i'm looking for it and a guy goes hey man today it's 40 but if you come back in two days it's half price it'll be 20 bucks and but i was a child so in my head i'm like i can't wait two days yeah exactly i'm in my prime so i never told my mom that it was gonna be half price and i swear to god i still feel bad about that it's like what a prick i couldn't just wait two days and save this lady 20 bucks no but like when you're a kid two days come on that's the world it's the it's the end of time that's so far away is mom bringing me back here in two days no

that's yes you're right i saved her time the is a second trip. She basically paid to not go back to fucking Zellers. Yeah. And then me and my friend took these guns and we called ourselves the XXP Mafia. And we'd walk the neighborhood just spraying people. And there was this little girl on a bike. And both of us pumped the gun so much that the gun itself was almost vibrating. Like there's so much that like the gun itself was almost vibrating like there's so much we both nailed this little kid with four streams of water she she or she went like ah

blew right off the bike and then her dad uh chased us and we had to run into the woods into the woods with two with two fucking super soakers did you was this guy uh like a good friend or were you just friends because you both had the same gun no we were good friends yeah yeah yeah uh but that'd be funny i just like we're that young you just see a kid with the same thing you have you're like for life you and me yeah yeah yeah yeah you get tattoos of them when you're uh in college air water stick ring boys stick is the wrong word so you get stick out of your search okay when you were a kid did you have access to a forest because i feel like i didn't as a kid i had a golf where did you find your wet pornography

oh in a field you know people you know what as an adult i have never done that i've never paid that forward i never you've never hidden pornography yeah we this is like a hack thing at this point in time so this is not a you know a bit obviously but people have joked about that like you know people there used to just be porn in the woods and there was that's what we found porn in the woods there there should be a documentary be like who the fuck are these people who leave this shit like why why the woods why a field what the fuck is going on yeah no you're right like is it like they're worried i can't throw it out at home someone might go through my garbage yeah i'm just gonna walk into the forest but you could throw it out at a public at the mall at the fucking someone

catches you what did you just throw out sir they'd probably be excited what'd you just throw out, sir? They'd probably be excited. What did you just throw out, Playboy? Give me it. Give me that. I don't have that one. But anyways, it's a weird deal that that just existed. Yeah. And, you know, it probably still does in some areas, I imagine. Your more rural landscapes.

Yeah, where internet's not very good. Hard drives. Some hard drive. Just plain hard drive absolute monster has the worst fucking stuff imaginable on whips it into a tree we did have a the woods though behind our behind our thing i was in the woods all the time yeah yeah it makes me sound like huck finn we drank in the woods biked in the woods it was all in the woods the woods was a party did you learn anything about trees no i know that's not something that happens you go you're

exposed to trees all the time you just sit on a log yeah i don't know what kind of log this is what am i johnny log well it almost be like you know do you find anything out when you go into um i don't know it all fell apart right there but um that's fine that's fine you got what i'm saying like you know you don't go to yeah you're sitting in a restaurant you're like did you leave knowing any more history about this fucking that's true about the food yeah because you taste it you're like this is good food well i learned about like the woods i guess that's moss there's salamanders over there oh okay i can drink here that's porn i mean there's a whole stash of porn some guy jammed a bunch of swank magazines into this into the stump

yeah i guess like yeah woods and giant kind of parks were like a young person's best yeah yeah this this landscape was carved by millions of years of water and wind and it made it the perfect nook to hide pornography that's what they were that's what the wind was doing that's what the water was doing all this time and that's what we're inheriting absolutely every caveman wished he could have had a place to throw out his uh tablets of porn you know but they had to wait a couple thousand years to have more of a crevice do you think they i mean when you see cave paintings they're all just like what are they depicting uh a hunt yeah usually like a mammoth and them all surrounding a mammoth that kind of thing they're not depicting like you know uh said that movie with nev campbell and wild things yeah wild things

you're talking about wild things bacon yeah before you go on you're talking about wild things i haven't seen it you never saw wild things would you grow up in a fucking bible how did you not see that movie i don't know it was what year did it come out 98 96 to 98 somewhere in there 96 to 98 we were right in the violently beating off era of our lives and you missed wild things yeah buddy's over here learning about fucking pine trees while the rest of us are watching denise richardson f campbell go down on each other in a pool denise richardson the 90s i mean what are we even talking about yeah there's a big pool scene i feel like the poster of the movie is them both sitting in a pool together yeah their heads are just coming up above the water i see yeah

i don't remember the plot of it at all oh it didn't have a plot uh yeah i have a plot gram it was it was kevin bacon trying to look at two women go down on each other that was the whole opening scene of that movie they go the pitch the elevator pitches it's kevin bacon and he's gonna watch some people two women having sex greenlit greenlit i'll tell you this it's so greenlit i'll greenlit you for wild things two three and four we're doing the whole story arc here it does seem like the kind of thing that you could make many sequels of because there was i feel like there was one that uh a woman who played alicia silverstone was in like one called like lolita or something like that and then there were like two sequels that she wasn't

in but it just became like a franchise on its own like this is a you know yeah what was her movie called the crush or something like the crush it was the crush with carary Elwes. Yes. But that wasn't like there was no sex in that. Oh, I'm thinking of one that there was sex in. Lolita had sex in it. Was it Lolita? I think. I'm just going by the poster. The poster is her with like a sucker in her mouth.

That's right. Are you talking about the 60s Lolita or the later lolita later lolita double l with uh with uh dominique swain oh i can't remember who dominique swain she was like a kirsten dunst type oh okay before kirsten kirsten made the scene kind of thing no no she was like uh she was she was post kirsten oh okay maybe that was her whole appeal right it's like yeah she was sort of the skid all rick to uh kirsten dunst uh johnny dapp good good okay do you guys have cruel intentions is in that same uh category of movies

just um there's no real, just hot people having sex. Yeah. And teenagers acting like grown-ups. Yeah, that's true. But it was believable. I feel like rich kids just get to hang out without supervision a lot of the time. Because their parents are so busy doing...

Poor kids do too. They just don't have access to like a the skull meeting room or they have the woods but that's a movie that doesn't sell as well this movie's called the woods it's ugly poor teenagers drinking vodka straight out of the bottle on stumps. Yeah. Joshua Jackson in the skulls. Hortense stinkaroo in the stumps.

I was trying to think of what's his name brother's name. God damn it. Ron Howard's brother? Oh yeah, Clint Howard. There we go. I could really picture the poster. Ron Howard's brother? Oh, yeah, Clint Howard. There we go. Clint Howard and the stumps. I'm trying to think of him. I can really picture the poster. Oh, man.

Aren't you supposed to be working the night shifts? Toys R Us. Yeah. Aren't you supposed to be moving boxes somewhere in the dark, you vampire-looking fuck? This is a poor guy, you know? Poor guy, in all seriousness. He did have i mean he's he's still alive i'm not wrong right this man's still alive yeah i think so yeah unbelievable career like an unbelievable career but um jesus christ he was on a show when he was a kid i think that was about him

and a bear yeah was it gentle ben gentle ben yes was that it yeah it was a tv show where he was friends with a bear and uh not animated this is a live action television program yeah and i think it was on for years too it wasn't just like a weird oddity i think he looked as a kid he looked really cute but then the the features the bear got him the bear got him he got the last day gentle ben ripped him apart but he's ron howard's brother right yeah yeah and it's not like ron howard is like handsome no he was a good looking teenager yeah he's an all-american kind of look he's like uh he was rich cunningham he was the the boy next door whereas clint would be the boy hiding in your indoor indoors he's in

here he's in your basement he's in your living in your walls the boy under the stairs ron howard isn't an ugly man, though. Ron Howard's sort of like one of the better looking redheads. Hmm. That's in the zeitgeist. Now, you're a redhead in the zeitgeist. Yeah. I'm not in the zeitgeist, but I am a redhead.

Okay, well, you're a redhead through and through. Yeah. Who are the top redheads? Oh, yeah. Who are the tops? Did you redheads oh yeah who are the please say reba mcintyre i you know what i wasn't even gonna think of reba mcintyre but absolutely reba mcintyre yeah um what of all time we're going all times if you go yeah if you go all time you're all time top 500 jesus christ dave but the top three men with red hair in movie is in film. I feel like there were a lot of women, but there's not. David Caruso is one of them.

Hilarious. Eric Stoltz, sure. Oh, Eric Stoltz, yeah. Eric Stoltz got to get beat by a couple people, though. I mean, he got to get beat by Willie Nelson. I know, obviously, that's country music as well, but this man's also been in a couple of movies. Yeah, Willie Nelson's a good pick. One that's never really talked about and again it's acting per se

the fucking undertaker this man this man and still he until he started dyeing his hair jet death black is a redhead mark calloway he is ahead. He's one of the most famous redheads that's ever came out of a casket. He truly is. I love his freckles. Yeah. You like, uh, yeah.

Good Paul. Good Paul. That's good. Yeah. Well, we have to, every redhead knows every redhead. Was Axl Rose a redhead?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. It does fade over time though it's it's like willie nelson is isn't he known as the redheaded stranger but if if you saw him today you'd be like if you say so yeah yeah exactly it says red on your license but i don't know walking up to like an 85 year old man doesn't look red to me you fucking prick but also my whole life i yeah he's been old our whole lives dave yeah he was old when we got here the day we were born he was already

going to denny's at two willie nelson denny's at two every afternoon um dave what's happening with you my friend oh nothing man um so here's what's going on with me i told a few weeks ago uh uh april richardson was on the show and i was talking about how this was back in february my tulips were coming up oh yeah here it comes still they're still haven't sprouted now nathan you you currently make your home in new york city not not a huge place for gardening this is not this is not something i assume that you've taken in as a hobby can i say very quickly what made me laugh there is like what's going on with you dave as if the first hour of this was what was going on with me we brought you brought us all up to your current gt racer wild things porn in the

wood those are all the things that are happening in my life no we said you were just on uh late night or uh the tonight show and i saw as you took a swig from your mug it is a tonight show cup cock sucking thing it's a it's a good mug. That's the problem. It's like a, it's a perfect size mug for things. And I assume this is in the, in the green room that you get to just take one of these. I stole this. Nice.

All right. Yeah. Don't tell anybody. I put it in my underwear. They pack you down on the way out of there too. Yeah. No, that makes sense.

Cause there's probably a lot of little, you know, stuff you can pull off the wall, things like that. Absolutely. People try to steal Jimmy. Somebody tried to walk out of there the other day, him and and their coat yeah and the cop he's so affable fallon's in here for god's sake your coat's giggling the uh i do not i do not garden there i do live in a a very old apartment building that's like

basically 100 years old and it has a courtyard in well it has a courtyard in the courtyard and there's little trees and stuff in there so in the summer that thing like but I don't do anything with it I just get to kind of look at it so the tulips are coming up they're up but since we

last talked we had a snowfall I was way premature with this stuff but so far we've got dandelions Since we last talked, we had a snowfall. I was way premature with this stuff. Oh, I see. But so far we've got dandelions. Yeah. No, sorry. Daffodils.

Dandelions are weeds. Yeah. We've got hyacinths. Okay. And now the big thing I'm dealing with in the garden is that my dogs are just digging holes. I've never had dogs that dig holes before. Yeah. This is tough. This is going had dogs that dig holes before. Yeah. This is tough. This is going to be tough on a garden.

Dogs that like digging up stuff. So I've looked at what you do to stop dogs from digging holes, and it was like, okay, well, I'm not going to amputate their front legs. That was like every website is just do that. Yeah, just exactly. Take away their legs uh just kill your dog yeah but then you have to dig up the garden to bury them what kind of dog real quick sorry well i have a staffordshire bull terrier and i have a boston terrier chihuahua cross i have a chihuahua staffordshire Bull Terrier is a pit bull, right? Am I wrong? It's sort of a 30-pound pit bull. Right.

I like what we're trying to do with these dogs. Put this royalness on top of it. Yes. Taking pit bull way out of the equation. It's a king kindness puppy. Looks a lot like a grenade-cover covered pit bull to the rest of us but well yeah no it is absolutely a baby killing uh it likes to eat faces i have to give it a new face every day just the skin of a face um and what's the other one sorry a half a half what chihuahua uh boston

terrier oh my god that must be the cutest dog ever he's's got a big pout. Yeah, he's kind of a pouty face. His name is Monster. But these dogs, so I looked up what to do to stop them digging. And it says, put stinky stuff, stuff they don't like to smell, like fill the hole. Yeah. And then cover it with. What do dogs not like to smell? They smell everything.

Apparently coffee grounds. Okay. And that was the first thing and that proved not very successful and then the next thing it said was cayenne pepper which seems like chemical warfare is yeah is the is that why people put drugs that are smuggling in coffee is that oh maybe they like confuse the sniffer dogs that makes sense yeah what's the what's the you've got a chihuahua you said what's uh what tell us tell us about chihuahua i used to smuggle a lot of drugs oh yeah mostly in the chihuahua all in the chihuahua there's little

baggies one one gram at a time i bring i bring from uh tijuana um yeah i got this uh dog actually my old apartment uh she was left in a bag at my door oh shit really yeah i moved into this apartment two weeks later there's a bag with a note on it and it's from this woman who's trying to leave it for her ex-boyfriend who moved out, but she didn't check to see. She didn't knock on the door. She didn't do any of that. I got a hold of the super. He was basically like, this is the guy's name.

I got a hold of that guy. He was like, my ex-girlfriend's crazy. I can't believe she did that with the dog. He goes, I'm some kind of chef. He goes, I work 16 hours a day. I can't take care of the dog. I just inherited a chihuahua that's so funny oh my god it just yeah it's like only in new york

it's raining chihuahuas here they don't tell you that if you can be gifted a chihuahua here you can be gifted a chihuahua anywhere yeah eight million stories in the naked city but she's the best and i never would have got a chihuahua anywhere yeah eight million stories in the naked city but she's the best and i never would have got a chihuahua um i just never really thought about i actually love a boston terrier but chihuahuas are the best i kind of only want to have chihuahuas for the rest of my life they're the best dogs this is a teeny tiny she's five well four four point eight pounds okay adorable yeah i can't i can't sit anywhere without checking it out first but you could also put that like in a hoodie pouch right

is that that's that kind of weight yeah i've flown she flies all over the place um she's living a pretty good life she travels with you when you do comedy? She was in Vegas in September, sat by the pool, walked through a casino. Nice. She's doing pretty good. She did a heist. Yeah, it was the 11th of the oceans. Her thing was to run under a door. Gotta do an all dog oceans 11.

Oh my God. Air oceans? Yeah. Air? Gotta do an all dog Oceans 11 Oh my god Air That would be so good Air Oceans Yeah Air Yeah Air Bud Air Bud

Okay Air Oceans It's a It's a whole pack of Golden Retrievers I think they would They might call it Heist Buddies or something

Heist Buddies yeah Heist Buddies You're 100% right This is a whole series Of their space buddies Treasure buddies Yeah Ghost buddies Spooky buddies yeah those buddies spooky buddies spooky buddies these get my house all the time i i can't watch spooky buddies i don't like horror movies what about wild things buddies would you watch that

one i mean dogs will do that to each other in public you don't need a movie that's true those two dogs are going down on each other better record it no it'll happen again why is kevin bacon watching um is vegas a good place to play or is it because it's mostly tourists there i assume have you ever walked through a casino yes do you want to talk to those people i'm not exclusively have you ever walked through a casino yes do you want to talk to those people i'm not exclusively i mean no i i mean uh the the the comedy seller has a room in vegas and that place is great um okay

uh yeah but for the most part like casinos themselves i mean you know these are this is the night shift of people again this is club foots this is bleeding from the eyes dragging themselves around to from slot machine to slot machine and those are the people yeah at the tables it's all scary guys yeah people are really mad that they're losing money and sometimes there's somebody who'll let you kiss their dice before they throw it yeah yeah blow on that um there was a casino in vancouver for a while i mean there are a couple but there was one that had a comedy show that was like just kind of an

amateur night yeah it was pretty good all things considered they didn't get the casino clientele right they got people like townies people from here yeah they would advertise it and get people to come down and like yeah it was good Sean Proudlove ran it that sounds about right yeah but yeah it wasn't like a showroom it was in some right it was in a showroom it was in some right was it in a it was in a showroom yeah oh um well you simply got to play there nathan if you love casinos you got a showroom at this place that's been destroyed five years ago i'm going i'm booking it yeah um i mean i i i uh

whatever this the the vegas ve is cool, but there's definitely, it just reminds me of casinos I've been to. I did a show in Wilkes-Barre, however they pronounce this thing, in Pennsylvania. And it's like the mountains of Pennsylvania. You are inside of a mountain. You're a coal miner's daughter.

Yes. And the people that are there are mountain people. So these are like huge people. I don't mean like fat or whatever. I mean like just massive truck-sized people. Their hands are huge. Their heads are huge. They're huge people.

I did this show, and I'm bombing maliciously. And a giant man. He had to be like 6'8". He's. And a giant man. He had to be like 6'8". He's just a huge fucking man. He has a tiny little hat on because he's so big. It's a regular hat. Regular hat to him. He audibly farts.

And he kills, by the way. That killed. People loved it. Yeah, very hard to follow yeah yeah he crushes like people are dying and i look at him i go really man and he just shrugged and killed again yeah and then the rest of the show was about that guy his big closer is the shrug i mean you need to work on your material because this guy this guy's kind of got it figured out set up yeah it's actually the thing you need to unwork on your material you need to not work on your but just go up there and you know what i mean yeah just improv just go up there and let it happen tell a guy his wife's a fucking whore

bitch or whatever see when i do, it does not work out well. But you haven't played Wilkes-Barre PA. That's true. I believe it's home of the Pittsburgh Penguins minor league team. Nice. What is it? What's their name? The Mountain People. The Wilkes-Barre Mountain People.

I believe it. Yeah, so I'm trying to dissuade my dogs from digging. Greg, what's up with you um a couple months back i talked about having uh the to me the best nachos that i've ever had in my life uh it was a landmark thing it was the burrow this is at the burrow and oh wait were we not saying it well yeah it was at the nothing anyways their nachos are great but i think i might have been like the perfect combination of like a couple beers in ordering extra cheese like i think i when i did it this time around uh i didn't do that and they were still fantastic but they weren't. Like, I'm wondering if it was just one night.

Yes. Thing that I can never, like, I'm just chasing that dragon. Totally. Yeah. That happens all the time. Or like,

what someone gives you, like, if you're at a restaurant and someone gives you a taste of like, oh yeah, take one of my chicken wings. And you're like, oh, that's great.

Next time I'll order those. And then it's never lives up to it. Yeah. say they're still really good and i would i would happily endorse them but they i don't know it's like yeah like i've i remember having like a trifle somewhere at some place that i was playing in ottawa and it was like i've never had it before i it blew my mind i had no idea like i never had had a trifle before cannot cannot find one as good as that that trifle can i ask a stupid question please what is a trifle trifle is like a layered dessert so it's like cake on the bottom like uh kind of cream fruit and then there's a uh if the pages are stuck together in your cookbook you turn it over and then it's like ground beef oh yeah yes

yeah friends it happened on friends so she's trying to be frightful um but yeah it's uh it's it's delicious it's it feels like it's something that English people would be into in a big way. So can I tell you, Graham, that one time, and you know, Nathan, feel free to listen along. I was at the Bengal Lounge in Victoria. Oh, yes. Okay. That doesn't exist anymore. No, it doesn't because of colonialism.

But it was a... that doesn't exist anymore. No, it doesn't. Cause of colonialism. Uh, but it was a, it was a,

uh, like, yeah. Colonialism themed, uh, cocktail bar. Yeah. In the Empress hotel. Oh,

okay. Um, uh, in Victoria where I, I went to college in Victoria and one time my roommates and I, Abby was there and, uh, my wife,

uh, and we went and we like, we got dressed up as fancy as we could for 19 year olds. Sure. Uh, we went and ordered, um, martinis,

which were terrible. I mean, they were probably great, but as 19 year olds, they were just like, tasted like fire. Yeah. And,

uh, but we were trying to be very fancy. We were sitting at a table and a man from a table, uh, like two tables over, it comes over to us and says, I highly recommend the trifle. We were like, thanks, we have $6.

Oh, somebody sent you a trifle. And he gives you a little way. Three spoons. Oh, that's crazy. Because somebody also already sent a trifle. The whole table is just full of trifles. Well, it's like when you're in the drive-thru at starbucks and the people are paying for the next person's order right

yeah i'll pay for this person it's just like sending trifles around it is a trifle delicious but i've never had one before and i had it this place i've never i don't i don't even know where fuck it was it was in like the catering room or the table. What city was it? This was in Ottawa. Ottawa, Ontario. Oh, yeah. Trifle Town.

Yeah. And I played somewhere. And in the green room, there was some food. And yeah, Trifle was amongst them. And I was like, well, I think I can eat everything in this. And it was like coming alive. Suddenly, I saw the world in color. But yeah, I can never get back there. Never heard of this and it was like it was like coming alive suddenly i saw the world in color uh but yeah i can never get back there never heard of this thing until now and now i have so much nathan

are you lighting a candle i'm lighting a candle is that crazy this is what's going on with me i still think it's very funny that what's going on with me is the first hour of this whole deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nathan, did you ever work a drive-thru at Starbucks? No. Nope. I worked straight up and down, customer to customer. Eyeball to eyeball. What kind of candle are you lighting there? What do we got?

Is this like a relaxing candle or is it just... It's called in the stars bath and body works scented candle hell yeah women smells like outer space yeah smells like david bowie oh that's nice yeah so you can start us themselves now oh no are you a big candle man i am i love a candle even if i become uh violently single and i'm living under a bridge i think the one thing i'll always have is a candle do you because we my parents were candle people but not scented candles we were all like dinner there was always candles lit there were candles lit at christmas but we didn't like uh you know there were i don't know scented ones yeah i don't know if that was even a thing i guess it

was back then but um now i just assume anyone laying a candle it's gotta have a stink to it yeah i got a christmas candle last year really uh you know gave the house a bit of uh nice nice that is nice d, are you Were you born Were you grew up like a religious person? My parents We went to church every week, yeah Okay, no further questions So you think

And sure, yeah, we would light a candle for hope One candle for peace, one candle for joy And one candle is the Christ candle Oh yeah, okay Did you actually go to church every week yeah okay you church church at all in your youth or not so much me yeah you you there the uh the last uh um the last uh time that i went to church when i was a kid my mom took me to i went to sunday school a bunch like you know yeah um and then one day i i came out of there my mom's like do you like going there

and uh you know i thought about like that day and we'd like colored in jesus or whatever and i'm like i you know no and she goes okay well when you grow up you can pick a religion And she goes, okay, well, when you grow up, you can pick a religion. And I picked scented candles. Yeah, the body shop. That's why I asked, because candles without scent, for some reason, just read unbelievably religious to me. Yes, yeah, Just like, but like we would, if you, you know, you go to a nice restaurant and they have candles on the table. Yeah. Like a romantic dinner.

You don't want to be smelling like, well, you, you want to stay away from those, those restaurants. Cause I don't want to be that close to the Lord. It's me and my food. You know what I mean?

Thank you for the bountiful spread, but now get out of here. I'm trying to eat this. Scentless candles of the gods. That's one step below a loincloth on the, that's a tablecloth. The last time, the last time I went to church,

there's no joke other than like weddings and stuff. Me and my friend, man, I guess it would have been about 97 98 we wanted to see anaconda and you had to be 14 we were 13 and we were like we're sitting in his room we're like what are we gonna do we're talking about sneaking in and and his mom goes um his mom kind of heard the whole conversation she goes look i'll take you guys to anaconda if you come to church with me so the last time i was in a church just thinking about anaconda

the whole time they're like you know uh christ did whatever he walked on a thing and then there was god and i'm like man anaconda and we got we got to anaconda let me tell you that was one of the greatest things what a great time that was man oh yeah anaconda was amazing at the time priest is like yeah the uh well adam and eve were in the garden of eden and then this snake came along oh that sounds so fucking awesome sounds awesome did it eat john voight i'm yelling in the church yeah it ate john voight it also uh you know ice cube he was from the big city he didn't know uh he didn't know about uh no snake oh but now you might want to

come back next week because we're doing deep blue sea love that movie too do you guys want to move on to some overheards? yeah are you tired of being picked on for only wanting to talk about your cat at parties? do you feel as though your friends don't understand the depth of love you have for your guinea pig? when you look around a room of people do you wonder if they know sloths

only have to eat one leaf a month? have you ever dumped someone for saying they're just not an animal person? Us too. She's Alexis B. Preston. She's Ella McLeod. And we host Comfort Creatures, the show where you can't talk about your pets too much, animal trivia is our love language, and dragons are just as real as dinosaurs. Tune in to Comfort Creatures every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

I'm Lisa Hanawalt. And I'm Emily Heller. Wow, Emily, we've been doing this podcast for 10 years. I know, but hey, don't worry. You can jump in at literally any episode and hear us talk about some of our favorite stuff. Caterpillars becoming butterflies. Martha Stewart flying around in a private jet full of trees.

Yes, you heard me right. Trees. Neighbors becoming enemies. Just kidding. Whatever messed up heard me right. Trees. Neighbors becoming enemies. Just kidding. Whatever messed up stuff we can find on Wikipedia. Our impeccable taste in everything from dogs to TV shows to bodily functions. And horses.

Lots and lots of horses. Come for our horned up rants about the world. Stay for the catchy theme songs. You might not learn anything, but we're a good hang. Baby Geniuses. Every other week on maximumfun.org overheard overheard the segment where if you're lucky enough in this life to overhear something fun don't keep it to yourself share it with the world and the great place to do that is here on the podcast and we always like to start with the guest nathan what's

something funny you've overheard just going back a couple years okay the year is in the title is in the sentence that i overheard um i was walking from can i set this whole thing up painting a picture yes please yeah please. Yeah, please. Because you could just say it, right? But then what the hell is this? No, no, no. Is it even entertainment if you just say it? No, you got to set the scene.

Absolutely. Comedy Nest. Montreal. I mean, the longer you talk, the more likely I let out a big fart and he gets a big laugh. Oh, man. It's going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Every show that i do um he crushed man i bet you any money that guy he's a rich man now in in wilkes-barre he's he's got a mansion and he's got two teslas that he drives at the same time yeah they're like you're a king among us he drives like a power wheels yeah yeah we didn't know. We didn't know you had that talent, man. I just didn't know that you could completely fart while a man's living his life. Completely fart. Dude, it was a violent

God. Anyways, and everybody laughed. It wasn't like there was some people in the room that turned and were like, really, man? Every single one of them was like, this is what we want. We are the mountains. Anyways, Comedy Nest Montreal, about 1230. I'm walking back to the hotel and three, I don't know, 19, 20 year olds are walking past me.

These three women, they're drunk. And one of them is talking to the other two and she goes, it's 2019. If you're not eating ass, you're going to end up alone with cats. And I, that was the only part of their conversation I heard. And I was like, wow,

that's one of the absolute greatest sentences I've ever heard in my entire life. I mean, you know what? If you don't want to end up alone, there's some price you gotta pay. Alone is one thing. Alone with cats. Yeah. It is really twisting the knife. But like, yeah, imagine these people

the next year when we're all in lockdown. That's right. Little did they know. Little did they know. You know, there's nothing to eat. Yeah, there was nary an ass to eat. I was not allowed to eat asses for three years.

Maybe for you guys. That's the only thing I did during the pandemic. Fauci came out and said, okay, you can eat ass again. There was, for real, vancouver that like provincial health oh yeah top health that she said that the safest way to have sex was was with a glory hole and that somebody must have posited that question said what about glory holes she's like well you know what actually yeah that's pretty... Another guy raises his hand. It's pretty hard to eat an ass through a glory hole.

Well, I mean, you can have a bigger hole. We're going to need a bigger hole. Because we are trying to keep some distance here, so not too big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Small holes save lives. It was all like, be kind be considerate small holes i mean and the great thing was the city rallied behind it a lot of people set up glory holes during that time it was not true no no no okay good good god just imagine everybody's like well i'll put out a sandwich board and advertise and

sandwich board it's hard because the bars are all closed but that's where you go yeah and it's true that's like what bars pivoted to they're like well we can't get a crowd around the uh public health orders if we turn into glory hole has anybody ever heard a story of a glory hole in actuality have you ever known a person that's used one seen one been near one they're not real right i think they are the name glory like why of all the like yeah um you know why not just like an integrity hole why you would like my glory yeah i think i've heard i've heard people speak of these things and i think you've heard well because i there's no way to corroborate so i've heard things but i don't know if they're true so i think i've heard yeah i mean possible stories but yeah i don't know that's what i'm saying i don't saying. I don't know. I think it's a myth.

This is a... Porn created a myth that some psychos are out there trying to chase, putting their dicks in walls and hoping that something on the other side sucks it. Yeah. I mean, that's... You know, it's like that classic joke with the guy...

You know, they told him not to stick his dick in the hole and then it was a milking machine right can we uh i just realized because i've done it a million times and i apologize at this point it's way too late to ask this question can we swear here yes yeah no there's no swearing we just talk about glory holes yeah Yeah. Yeah. We don't clean as possible. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's maybe that's why it's called a glory hole.

I just looked up glory hole on Craigslist. There's none in town. Craigslist. It's best to make your own. I find in my experience. That's the starter kit. Hi. Yeah. You're out there looking for a glory hole.

Here's the great thing about it. You can make your own at home. Oh my God. You got a piece of wood and a drill? You got a piece of wood and a drill and a sense of adventure? Well, no, I did actually, I looked up glory hole Vancouver and apparently there are, there's a website called Glory's Hole. A lot of pop-ups.

Yuck. That's gross. And boy, there's one at the Fantasy Factory. No, that's just an adult toy store. Can you just. You just see like, there's just a cloud of me because I've run away. Yeah. Graham's chair is spinning.

There's got to be, if there is a glory. and the reason it's probably called the glory holes for this exact reason some guy was about to go on tv or something you know he's talking about the dick sucking hole and they go you gotta no sure yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly but this is a yeah daytime program you're going on ellen good morning america for god's sake so i was getting my bag shined in one of these glory holes please you're you're kelly clark said does not want to hear about that but if this if this is a real deal and there's just a hole yeah there's got to be some people that have put theirs in and been rejected just like a polite tap the hand pushing it back out absolutely no you still don't make the cut here sir this thing i'm just also wondering is it just a like a hole punch through a wall or is it like finished is there like it's finished have

they oh it's finished otherwise you're gonna get yeah get splinters. They had a drywall guy come in and do the... Yeah, and then, you know, he's like he subtly asks like, if you were going to crouch down on this drywall, where if there was a peephole or something like that where do you think you would drill that?

Peephole! If you were trying to see whose crotch was at your door where would you what's the glory hole that's too high up guy standing on a small step stool to put his dick in the hole and then there's just somebody watching you can just see an eye looking oh that's funny too a guy goes to look and gets a dick in the eye oh man it's not it's not for that didn't that happen in porky's yeah that feels like yeah that feels like a porky's joke uh 40 years too late uh dave do you have an overheard yeah man um mine is so So, this is an overseen.

So, we... I don't know how we're on, like, people's mailing lists. Like, people are... There's publicists who want us to, you know, book guests for this podcast. But they're, like, publicists for publicists for like you know a sad film festival it's like do you want to have the director of this sad movie about refugees yeah and there's also like a lot of people that pitch themselves because they've never heard the show they've never listened to a second of the show so they're like wait some topics we yes so this is one we got uh well we've

gotten one uh a couple months ago that was like my name is whatever uh i was wondering if you were looking for any podcast guests at the moment for the past 11 years i've been a comedian and in the entertainment industry i can ensure you that your listeners will be scrambling to take notes you can learn what you can learn more about me here and if you are interested we can put something special together for your audience here are a couple of ideas for podcast topics how to be a stand-up comedian what are open mic nights for comedy what different styles of comedy or or just different styles of comedy and entertainment. I will cross promote the podcast on my social media channels.

Nice. We should have them on. So they sent that twice. I still haven't heard back from you about having me on. And then like a couple of months later, completely different person sends almost the exact same email. My name is so-and-so. I was wondering if you're looking for any podcast guests at the moment.

For the past 11 years, I have been involved. Same amount of years. But for the past 11 years, I have been involved with waste management. For the past 11 years, I've been involved with waste management. I can ensure you that your listeners will be scrambling to take notes. You can learn more about me here. Here are a couple of ideas for podcast topics. What's the biggest size dumpster you can rent?

What is waste management and its process how much does it cost to rent a dumpster i will cross promote the podcast on my social media channels oh wow that's amazing it's such a short question to ask like what's the biggest you know dumpster i'm asking it right away so our guests will our listeners will be scrambling to take notes i love it man how much is the dumpster somebody comes to this podcast and is just listening for an hour and they're like get to it i can't google this yeah i don't care about your candles i want to talk dumpsters dude even that first one both both are incredible i mean that is an amazing

email but that first one with the why i know both of them are amazing they will be scrambling to take notes is such an insane sentence. Because the listeners can just rewind. They don't need to scramble. And I would assume, I mean, podcasts, you're probably never looking for guests. There's always guests. There's always guests. That's true.

It's never, you know what I mean? I love the idea. We should have this guy. I'm interested in hearing about how much a dumpster costs he said he was a comedian either of you heard about this person is it both these people are women oh okay sure yeah but no i have not heard of the i haven't heard of the comedian woman and i i well actually you know what is there a way can you send me this person's name? I've got the cover of Waste Management Magazine and she's on the cover. Just in the swimsuit issue. The swimsuit issue.

Can I send you this person's name? How many glory holes fit in a dumpster? I love it. How big of a dumpster. I love it. How big of a dumpster can you rent? I got to throw my glory hole out, man. I got to get a new one. I got to get a fresh,

this is, this is untenable what I've got here. Untenable. It's falling apart at the seams. That's crazy, man. Can I, real quick,

I apologize. Do you get, not emails like that, because that is a specific type of business right there but yeah are there a lot of emails that are kind of pseudo insanity just just um of people trying to be on the show just stuff that's nuts no no but there is stuff that's just like we we wouldn't ever have like you say some, some sad thing or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, the sad, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it's very few, yeah, very few people, at least to our email address, pitch themselves. And let's keep it that way. I'm going to tell everybody. Add in, they're going to be scrambling to take notes.

Oh, man. Get your pad of paper ready. Or at least open the notes app in your phone. Wait, what did I say? Slow down. Put it on 1.5 speed. No, 0.5 speed. 0.5 speed.

Why would that be? Okay, because obviously this lady thought, all right, yeah, there's lots of comedians, blah, blah, blah. I'll go with something more interesting. Waste management? Well, it's a different person. It's a different person. The comedian is...

I think it must be some... Template? Template or... I assumed it was just the same person but trying to get in a different way it was a different different person writing interesting the emails were different yeah the email addresses were different the names on the emails were different certainly the topics were different but yeah maybe this is just a person with multiple yeah or it's's just like a service that you... That's even scarier.

Yeah, type in what the topic would be and some potential things to talk about. Well, certainly. Dumpster. Dumpster size, dumpster price. Those are two separate topics. What size dumpster? All right, guys, I hope you have blocked off some time i got

20 minutes yeah on the price of dumpster yeah but wait a minute price graham before we get to the price what's the biggest dumpster i can rent oh all right 40 minutes here we go uh graham do you have an overheard i know i have something that i overseen but you know how sometimes um like on a bus ad or on a billboard like it hasn't put put together the two sides quite right yeah they overlap a little bit and you can't you can't see the thing in the middle you can figure out what what it is by seeing the like a magazine word. It's like a Mad Magazine fold-in. It is exactly like a Mad Magazine fold-in. I saw one on the bus, and it was the CBC television smash

Son of a Critch, but it had not folded over well enough, so you could, in the eye part, you could think Son of a Crotch, because it was just the eye that was missing, so Son of a Crotch. That's was just the eye that was missing. So, son of a crotch. That's what I saw.

That's very nice. Yeah. It still works. Yeah. We're all the son of a crotch. Aren't we? That is true. We are all the son of a crotch.

Maybe two. Maybe. Yeah. Now, we also have overheards that have been sent in to us from all over the map. If you want to send one to us, it's spy at maximumfund.org. And let me just get the fucking thing. This first one comes from Ben in Tucson. While staring at an incredible view of the Grand Canyon from a gift shop

built right at the edge, I overheard an employee loudly talking about how he makes various kinds of custom belt buckle styles and lecturing about the merits of various clasping mechanisms to a disinterested co-worker. He finished by saying I don't like it when pants move.

That's why I wear a belt. Or suspenders. He's got a backup plan. Yeah. I don't like it. When pants move. What are your favorite clasping mechanisms? That's actually something he could maybe talk about on our show.

Here's some three topics we could talk about. The different clasping mechanisms. Belt versus suspenders. Because I have belts, you know, you got regular belts that have the metal buckle and then there's the like uh nylon belts that you kind of crank yeah that's true and that has the little little claspy guy yeah and then can we get deep into the belt woods here sure yeah yeah i i i'm not a nylon belt guy what are you, a leather belt? I go leather with the clasp I don't like my pants move either

But I also don't like the feeling of Maybe rappelling down the side of a building If I want with a nylon belt I'm just not a fan I don't have any nylon belts But I have a couple of pairs of pants That the belt is built into them Oh, Sands of Belts

Is that right? Oh, well no, Belts. Is that right? Sands of Belts slacks? They have, oh, well, no, these aren't, but yeah.

When the pandemic hit, I couldn't, I've never worn sweatpants that I, even then, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So they've got some kind of stretchy mountain climber pants. Nice. Yeah. They look like, they look like a Chino,

but they got that belt in there. Um, this next one comes from Rick in Woodland, California. My wife and I were sitting in the living room watching TV and our seven-year-old son was playing on the Nintendo Switch. Outside, there was a loud

bang. My wife was explaining what the sound was to our son, letting him know it was a neighbor setting off a firework. He responded, Maybe they're just excited about the new Mario movie. It's out today. what the sound was to our son letting him know it was a neighbor setting off a firework he responded maybe they're just excited about the new mario movie it's out today is it okay yeah uh anybody who's listening to this podcast it's out already go already go go go yeah it came out on a wednesday of all things yeah uh you know maybe they're just like trying to get ahead of Bowser Yeah yeah exactly

It seems like a long time It seems very late For this movie I guess that's what I was going to say Well Mario's never really left us That part is very true This is one of the legends that mankind Tells and retells

Through generations That's true yeah mario plumber man and his uh you know little dino friend um i will be seeing it in the next few days um i wish you the best of luck it's playing on at the up the street as well oh i'm not gonna see it there though no you gotta go see it in 3d surround sound rumble seat rumble seat uh i was driving while my 60 year old dad and six-year-old son were in the back seat of the car my son has been reading on his own and noticed there was a caution sign in the inside of the netted back of the seat in front of me you know like where you put maps that little guy yeah uh dad says uh it says not to put anything weighing more

than 2.2 kilograms in case there's an accident me how much is 2.2 kilograms son it's two feet uh me i feed is a distance measurement kilograms and pounds measure how heavy something is the son said yeah it's like if you cut off two feet and put them in there, it's as heavy as two feet, just the feet. It's probably not far off. Yeah, it was probably somebody's foot

was the original feet. Like 2.2 kilograms is about five pounds, so I don't know what your foot weighs. I'd say combined, they're five pounders. Here's something I can talk about on your show. My feet. How much my feet weigh. Scrambling.

People are going to be scrambling. It's horrifying for a child to mention that. Does anybody else read that that way? Two severed feet? I mean, that's what this kid said. That's true. The amount of two severed feet i mean that's that's what this kid said these ways that's true the amount of two severed feet just the feet they didn't say severed but that's the inference that's the yeah i think it's because of the game operation that's what i think is these kids are playing operation no they probably it's a bygone era no they play it once and then they put it away forever. They beg and beg and beg to get it.

Yeah. Do you think, what weighs more? Two feet or two shoes? Now, shoes could be any weight. That's true, yeah. Steel-toed boot would be. But like, say your regular tennis shoe. Feet.

Feet are good. If we're going tennis shoe, I'll say foot too. Okay, but a boot is going to weigh more than a shoe? Yes. A boot's rough. The thing is though, a couple boots wash up on shore. Who cares? That's true, exactly.

A couple feet though. That's a problem we're though yeah we have a problem yeah the feet that we're washing up here were in shoes when they were in shoes yeah well then i don't know what to do there do you care i mean they're covered and also like you can't really weigh it's not fair to weigh those because they're water logged. Yeah, the shoe's wet. And if the shoe's wet, wear it. Yes. And then

now you also. Oh, you did three? Yeah. Let's just recount them. There was Mario. There was the shoes. And then there was a guy with a belt. There it is. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our

phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hi Dave Graham and guests. This is Jessalyn calling in with an overheard from Oakland, California. I'm a

choir director. I took my students to sing the national anthem at an Oakland A's game today. And we were sitting in the stands during the game, and pretty close to us was where the big group of drummers was kind of beating out these beats for the whole crowd. And they were beating out like this. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. the whole crowd and they were beating out like this and i heard my students behind me between each drum beat between i want a hot dog i want a hot dog and it just reminded me of a certain new york fries ad anyways off i go oh yes yeah have you heard a certain New York fries ad. Anyways, off I go.

Oh yes, yeah. Have you heard the New York fries ad? Me? No. Oh, you gotta hear it. It goes like this. I want a hot dog A juicy quarter pound hot dog Topped with loaded toppings Like chili, cheese, and bacon Fully loaded with delicious toppings give your taste buds something

to sing about at new york fries wait a second wait a second expression on nathan's face the whole time it's just absolute bewilderment if this thing is real is that real it's real yeah what year was it made? This year. No, guys. That's why we like it. Does that not sound like something from 99? Yeah, it's that good. That's totally, yeah. It sounds like an X Games promo.

Totally. Holy hell. That's made this year? Yeah. Man, they think Canada's just this backwoods gutter trash. They don't even think we're past Tonyony hawk doing the 900 for the first time that song is atrocious what was just sent to my ears dave in literally 23 years ago that made all the sense in the world that is crazy what i just what i like about it is it it's it's

it's a throwback but it it really speaks to... Well, you know what? Whatever. You don't get it, Mom. I thought you were going to say, you know what? Let's hear it again. No. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave and Graham and guest.

Good guest, I'm guessing. Sure. This is Audrey calling from King Knight Nunavut, and I've got an overheard from inside my brain pretty much every second since your episode aired. It goes, I want a hot dog. A 40 pound hot dog.

Okay, bye. Okay, so this we're really helping this go viral, this hot dog. I think the song she was kind of singing was this one. I want a hot dog. A juicy quarter pound hot dog. Topped with loaded toppings.

Like chili, cheese, and bacon. Fully loaded with delicious toppings. Give your taste buds something to sing about at New York Fries. Take a time trip back to 1998. Yeah. Enjoy Pepsi Blue. sing about it new york fries take a time trip back to 1998 yeah enjoy pepsi blue i think that was on the american pie soundtrack it does that's absolutely american pie nine new york fries now new york fries rules it's a i love new york fries and now living in new york you probably eat it every day yeah everywhere oh there's one in every and every building i uh below me this is this is crazy my downstairs neighbor and my upstairs neighbor both new york i hear that song every night after midnight the guy upstairs won't stop

blaring it okay i've called the cops hundreds of times. Okay, I have a couple of other overhears that aren't that. Hello, Dave Graham and probable guests. This is Danny calling from Chicago. I was just at a rally for the mayoral candidate, Brandon Johnson, in which Bernie Sanders spoke. which Bernie Sanders spoke and he had said something to the effect of Brandon Johnson knew about education because he worked

in the trenches as a public school teacher and a very glamorous looking woman in front of me goes woo trenches anyway off I go can you believe it? This guy's been around trenches. Holy shit.

She just saw all the quiet on the western front. Glamorous woman. That's so funny. Woo! Trenches! Trenches! Nobody likes trenches. Yeah, no, it's a, you get trench foot down there.

Yeah. What is trench foot? it's from all the water yeah you're you're basically a waterlogged foot thing yeah huh what do you think a trench foot weighs oh man way more than a pair yeah at least 50 pounds yikes all right here's your final phone call hey so hey earlier we have some people doing some basement work for us and they're playing their old 90s rock and a grateful dead song comes on and one of the guys asks is like who who's this band and the other guy answers the grateful dead and then the other guy goes yeah i'm grateful they're dead this shit sucks thanks for the good shit bye oh man the scorch

what i like about that didn't introduce himself didn't say hello there's some construction going on in the basement some guys over doing some basement stuff glory hall glory and then uh and they're listening to their 90s rock going on in the basement. There's some guys over doing some basement stuff. Glory Hall. Glory Hall. And then, and they're listening to their 90s rock, The Grateful Dead. That's what I was thinking.

I was like, The Grateful Dead, they're just, they don't have, they didn't put out songs in the 90s. Am I crazy? I could be 100% right.

No, when I think of 90s rock, I think of like, I want a hot dog, a juicy quarter pound hot dog Topped with donut toppings Like chili, cheese, and bacon Fully loaded with delicious Tartness

Give your taste buds something to sing about at New York Fries Oh man There's no fucking way that that came out This year right I'm getting an email from both of you being like Man we were fucking with you that came out 30 years ago no it's it's on during sports it's on in every uh commercial break for the last month yeah dave i'm gonna i'm gonna lean in here real quick i'm gonna ask one

more time are you guys fucking with me no we we absolutely are not this is uh dave discovered this a couple weeks ago. If you watch any sports, you will see the ad, and it starts with a hot dog like flying through the air. And the ad is on, you can look it up on YouTube. It's under NYF Loaded Dogs. It's actually kind of hard to find. A lot of people said, I haven't found this thing.

NYF Loaded Dogs is the name of it on YouTube. Published four weeks ago. this this uh real quick and i apologize because i think this i don't know if this went everywhere but do you guys remember um i was just talking to my girlfriend the other day about random uh commercials yeah do you guys remember back off get your own sandwich yes yeah she had never i referenced it and she goes what are you talking about i go what do you mean what am i talking about we both grew up at the same time back off get your own sandwich it's like one of the best yeah might bring it up canadian one it was a guy it was like for lunch meat right yes yeah and this guy was teaching a self-defense course people are

gonna want your it's so funny but anyways no absolutely i i also say that whenever somebody wants to say you also remember the pizza pops ones where the pizza pop would be like so bursting with flavor that you would poke it and it would squirt pizza pop in your face yeah yeah it was uh it was a weird time i want a pizza pizza pop. An overstuffed pizza pop. I want a sandwich, but you should get your own sandwich. Now, hey, guess what's going to be stuck in your head, Nathan? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lived the 90s. It vibrates through my face every single day,

so that song doesn't change that. Yeah, no, it'll be with you for the next at least couple hours, if not more. I've listened to that song three times and suddenly my shorts have become cargo shorts? Yeah, my Vans. They're all sudden Vans with the checkered motif. They went from Vans to Vans.

I'm playing Goldeneye again. Well, that brings us to the end of this here podcast. Nathan, you have a special on YouTube that was released a month ago? Two months ago now. Two months ago.

Anybody's free to watch it. There's no paywall. And on YouTube, people should search NYF loaded fries. Is that right? Loaded dogs. Sorry. Full. And then a bracket full special.

That's what I've called it. It's called Money Never Wakes. It's on, it's on, yeah, my YouTube channel. Check it out. Money Never Wakes. It's very funny it out. Money Never Wakes. It's very funny. Yeah, Money Never Wakes, 40 on finance. The whole thing's 45 minutes, but I mean, most of it is about money.

Yeah, and it's hilarious. I've only got to watch the first 20 minutes, but what I've seen, I loved. And also, you have an album out. Is that right? You also have an album out? I mean, I do older stuff or whatever, but people check album out. Is that right? You also have an album out? I mean, I do older stuff or whatever, but people check this out. Check that. Check this out.

This is the thing to watch. Check that thing out. I mean, you can also, if you don't want to watch it, you can listen to it. The same title on Spotify, all the stuff, wherever. Okay. But yeah. Cool. Well, thanks so much for being our guest.

This has been like just a ton of fun. It's so great to have you. Thank you guys for having me. This has been like just a ton of fun it's so great to have you thank you guys for having me this has been great i can't believe it's the last episode i'm sorry that i had to be the last one but uh i'm sorry i mean for the listeners you know what i mean i mean you guys had dignitaries on here president someone's someone's knocking on my door. Hey, buddy, we're closed. Yeah. Well, thank you for being our guest and thank you out there for listening to the show. We love you very much. A bushel and a peck? No. Is it a...

Is it a bushel and a peck? And a hug around the neck? Please take care of your shit and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned

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