Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 798 - Katie-Ellen Humphries

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

Comedian Katie-Ellen Humphries returns to talk haircuts, music videos, and wedding speeches.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 798 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who he, I think he wakes up looking like this. Mr. Dave Schilke. Uh, no. Believe me, I have a team. Um, I don't think I look particularly good.

I just, uh, I showered andered and i put uh some goo in my hair what do you use dippity-doo what kind of i use a dippity-doo um i use you know the whatever the dippity-doo is like the brightly colored one at that's the drugstore yeah it looks like industrial waste kind of yeah it's got like little bubbles in it have you ever had that um there's like a gel you can put on after you get a sunburn oh that's like that has bubbles in it i know exactly the one it's green right yeah yeah that's what i do that's what i use my hair gets sunburned um yes i'm up i'm as listeners from our show last week will remember I was sick. And that's why we were recording remotely. This week, I'm also sick.

And so we told our guest, move to New York for a month. If you could, that would help us out greatly. Yeah, I got a little bug. Go where dreams are made or whatever. That voice, returning guest to the podcast, always one of our faves. It's comedian Katie Ellen Humphries. Hi, Katie.

Hey, hi. How are you? Oh, I'm so well. And I was just, I was killing me to bite my tongue and not jump in because I had not yet been introduced. But I love so many thoughts on Dippity Doo.

And also I just wanted to scream out aloe vera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, but isn't Aloe Vera like available in like a cream or is it always a gel? I think in various forms. I don't really understand it. I just know. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you a Dippity-Doo? Yeah. I want to know about your Dippity-Doo. Let's do deep dive Dippity-Doo. I mean, I'm not currently a Dippity-Doo. I mean, I'm a Dippity-Don now i mean i'm a dippity don't now but in my in the night go back it up okay i'm sorry taking that uh but yeah that was a big like junior high that was very popular uh what kind of what did you did you have a swoop or did you

yeah yeah what what kind of what was your DVD doing? Tell us about your hairstory. I mean, for myself, I would be using it to like slick back in a half pony or a full pony sometimes, you know? Were you a bunhead? Oh man, I wish. I wish I had that kind of grace and wit. I wish I was scripted by Amy Sherman Palladino. Now wait a minute. Who is this? Who are we talking about? Is this from a television show? Yeah Paladino. Now, wait a minute. Who is this?

Who are we talking about? Is this from a television show? Yeah, Bunheads. Okay. All right. Continue. But I also used Dippity-Doo to help many gentlemen with their front porch. You know, that 90s early aughts.

Oh, yeah. Kind of ski jump looking thing. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Front porch. I like that. What about, I think you told us a time or two ago about,

you were a competitive swimmer for ages. Mm-hmm. And in the same pool there would be synchronized swimmers with the coach just banging the rhythm onto the ladder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my lifetime nemesis. Yeah, and do they use a lot of dippity-doo how do they get their hair all they straight up use gelatin oh really yeah straight up horse hooves just like it's a real industrial strength i never thought about it would come out in the pool yeah it would just form like an oil slick

over the whole pool yeah it's such a wild sport it's funny a lot of younger people in like my cousins kids and some other like younger people in my life are involved in what is now called artistic swimming because I guess they decided

like because sometimes you do a solo and people are getting too pedantic about how it wasn't synchronized to anyone or whatever sure synchronized to the music though right yeah i don't know and they call it artistic swimming now anyway um but what i didn't realize is that that sport is really gnarly it has like one of the highest incidents of concussions of any sport but it's just from broads knocking into one another. Underwater. In full face makeup. Yeah.

And what's that made out of? Oh yeah. Gelatin, also gelatin. The, uh, uh, cause they're,

uh, underwater and like, are some of the, maybe some of them are like front, like heads up and other heads down and they're getting and like are some of them maybe some of them are like front like heads up and other heads down and they get kicked

in the face yeah and they get disoriented right because you're you're low on oxygen and you're upside down and things like that you can't see the sun

yeah there's lots of like yeah kicks in the head and heads to heads and like yeah but they do is it true they do individual ones now

you were saying yeah yeah oh no I think always but that sounds like I mean not like the like I'm scrambling Is it true they do individual ones now, you were saying? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I think always. That sounds like, I mean, not like I'm scrambling to watch the teams, but like that seems unwatchable. That seems very, look at me, mommy. Mom, you didn't look.

Should we get to know us? Yep. Get to know us. Now, of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention one time Joey and Jesse were fighting on Full House, and Joey called Jesse Dippity-Doo Head. Okay, that closes that chapter. Yeah, that stitches that up. Dippity-doo head. Okay.

That closes that chapter. Yeah. Yeah. Stitches that up. I think unless I'm wrong, it might not be Dippity-doo, but my parents still have a jar of something that my, my brother used, like some sort of like,

like a spiky, the person on the bottle has like crazy, some 41. Yeah. I have a jar of something as well that I've been adding to. Gross. I'm not one for, uh, to look back, but I feel like Dippityppity doo doo head was right there yeah sure that's true although jesse wasn't really

i think of jesse as a moose guy yeah although i think of joey as a moose guy because he did that bullwinkle impression well that brings this podcast too a close. What? That was fun. Dave Coulier had a real mullet, and I looked at a picture of him the other day, and I was like, I've seen about six guys today that look exactly like Dave Coulier. The mullet is back 100%. It's not even ironic anymore. It's just full on. Mullet has returned. Good for the mullet. I never thought I'd see it again, but it's back full-on mullet has returned good for the mullet i never thought

i'd see it again but uh it's it's back in a big way the breadth of the mullet from the like most bigoted person in existence to the queerest person on the planet is so wide and everything between in there it's really the most embraced haircut right now yeah it's really like and i've seen kids with mullets i didn't i thought okay well it's you know teens and 20 year olds having it nope kids are on top of it kids love it um it's wasn't dave didn't you tell me that there was like a movie where they thought gladiators would have had mullets that that would have been the haircut of gladiators do you know is this a theory i had no this was like from some movie and they were like what would be the gladiator haircut at somebody's like short on top long in the back before the mullet even existed yeah i that barely rings a bell so i can't really speak to it did uh dave you never had a mullet no i did as a kid i only

kind of grew my hair out a couple times in my life what what phases were you going through when that happened uh one was six months ago up until this most recent haircut and the other one was i don't know when i was 23 yeah you're just sewing your wild oats hair wise uh seeing how far you could go right this is just gonna be a hair show i think yeah yeah yeah i have graham you had a mullet i've seen the pictures of it yeah i had a mullet as a as a youth i thought it was the coolest thing and i was right katie did you ever i never i have only had three haircuts in my life i've had long and short those are you and then one time in like junior high i was like i want to have my hair styled and then i went to uh some middle-aged man and i was like i think layers because that

was a word that i heard had been said uh because everyone was into the rachel at that time and that was when i started and then gave me a haircut that was like very uh wildly inappropriate for uh someone who is in junior high and is their hair will be wet 90 of the time yes like just like an awful shaggy thing that needed to be styled and I didn't understand that. And it was truly terrible. What did it end up? Like, was it too big? Too floofed?

What was it? Yeah, just kind of like an unkempt lion. That's really what was going on. There is a... In our neighborhood, there are a lot of uh salons there's a lot of salons and nail places nail places but and like it it bothers me whenever like a salon goes out of business i'm like oh maybe a funky restaurant will go in there or something no it's always a salon because they salon because it has the chairs and mirrors and everything

already. It's got plumbing for shampooing your hair. They could put tables where the seats are and the head of the table is the person sitting in the stylus there. Yeah, I mean, maybe a salon-themed funky little restaurant. I was about to say, it's begging for a themed restaurant.

Yeah. Throw some hair on the floor at the beginning of the night. But the guy on the corner next to Beer Craft, it's begging for a theme restaurant. Yeah. Throw some hair on the floor at the beginning of the night. But the guy on the corner next to Beercraft, who's been there forever, the barber just has a sign in his window saying, barber chair for sale. Barbershop will be closed on June 25. The barber retire. Yeah.

The barber's done. Old timey one chair. Barbershop. No more. Maybe I should get into, I don't know, just hanging out at a barbershop. No more. Maybe I should get into I don't know, just hanging out at a barbershop. I'm not going to get into cutting hair, but maybe I could be

one of the guys who hangs out there. I wonder what he's going to do with that big fishbowl full of lollipops. Yeah, you've got to wait until the moving day and then just stand out there. You don't want to carry all those lollipops with you. Oh, and then he'll pour

out a little bit of Barbicide for his final day. Oh, barbers, my God. Did you, Katie, have you had a steady hairdresser or barber for a long time or do you shop around or what do

you do oh no no uh i got uh an amazing hairstylist when i first moved to vancouver uh and i have been with her for 16 years and it is one of the most significant relationships in my life and i can't imagine losing her uh my friend also i got her through a friend that friend has moved to three different cities and not changed hair stylist you'll only ever still see trish in vancouver yeah i yeah i had a guy years and years ago that i that i thought was great and then he moved to edmonton and i felt honest to god felt betrayed i felt like this was a breakup that i was going through and then i never got my haircut ever again. My hair was broken. I've been with mine for about 20 years.

Yeah. I just remember the first time I got my haircut, it was when I had really long hair. And I was like, it's growing too much in the back. Like it, it ends up being too mulledy. And she's like, well, humans are, are naturally, uh, um, like,

uh, not propelled, but like naturally inclined to have mullets. That's why when you look at pictures of cavemen, they always have a mullet. And I was like, you're going to be my hairdresser forever. Like as if we have photographs.

Yeah. But it worked on me. i was like yeah she gets it the mullet is the natural haircut of man i really like that yeah you just like when you let your hair go to seed it just turns into oh lord um uh yeah it's, I know the same thing. I know people that don't live in the city anymore. Wait for months and months to come back. And,

I think I know somebody actually that that guy was their barber. And I think they're going to do reference. Do they give references like a doctor? Like, okay, I'll refer you to another doctor. Oh, well,

I mean, when you switch barbers, the new barber gets all of your old details. He gets your old hair file. Little black book of contacts. Yeah. Gets your hair file. Have you guys ever taken a reference photo

to a barber or a stylist of any kind? Yeah, I think I did. I feel like in my teen years i definitely would have like a picture of donatello or something maybe look cool like this guy the bald turtle just comes out with an overcoat and a fedora yeah i would go with in the 90s when everyone was getting a mushroom cut i would bring a picture of toad from mario like like this shape but obviously hair yeah did you ever katie bring in a reference photo um no i have started to i think last time was the

i before i didn't have the confidence. Cause I was, I was just too afraid to be like, kind of like this. And then for them to be like, you wait, like get out of here. We're legally not.

I'm not a magician. Yeah. Can you do this top to bottom? Can you do a haircut? Also clothes, also makeup. The whole nine is what I'm looking for. Yeah.

Yeah. I wonder. Yeah. I'm not beyond it you know coming and shopping around for hairdos and seeing what might fit uh surely there must be a software program where you can upload your face and it will allow you to try on every hairdo known to man right though they had like kiosks at the mall in the 90s where you like a photo booth style but then it would just be like this but it had it just be like you and then you'd be like dreadlocks and you're like no maybe uh did you guys either you guys know somebody that had dreadlocks in your in your youth or or not in youth i think i knew one kid in my high school. He had dreads.

White guy. White guy who had dreads. So waxed up and smelly. Oh, yeah. Anyone I knew was white. Yes. Yeah. But yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. It's a special time in everybody's life. Yeah. They just had to get dreads. I didn't know them. I don't think they were any in my grade. And I was never friends with're already in my grade and i was never

friends with anyone out of my grade i always thought in high school people were like like you're in grade nine and you're friends with a grade 10 how do you do it how do you make this relationship work yeah um so katie we are talking to you from new york city that's right what are you doing what are you doing the big apple what's your what's your routine what do you do oh you know i'm i'm hanging out and i'm in brooklyn and i'm going and doing shows around town and i'm going to baseball games this is my way who have you seen what games you got to i saw the blue jays play the mets okay i've never been to the mets field before and it's very very fun i loved it nice

partly because the mets is like the my my favorite thing is minor league baseball and the mets is that field feels like it's like the closest major league field that I've ever been to that feels like a minor league which I say is a high compliment but um yeah what's uh what's minor league about it yeah um kind of the vibe so it's like that everyone there uh so, so I, I know this, the Mets fans to be long suffering. That's the kind of their, uh, that's lovable loser. That's it.

But I've never just sat beside like a whole family who every time the Mets, uh, don't get on bait. Like anytime a Met strikes out or if there was an error or just, uh, or even if the blue Jays get a hit, the whole family would be like, ah, Mets suck. Why do we go all in on these seasons tickets?

We hate these guys. Yeah, but they love to hate them. It was so cute. Where in, so like Yankee Stadium is in where? Yankee Stadium is in the Bronx and Mets Stadium is in Queens. Okay. Okay. And the Mets Stadium is in Queens. Okay. Okay. And the Mets, they're bad.

They never win. They've kind of... Dave, do you want to field that one? Yeah, Dave. Well, as a long-suffering Vancouver Canucks hockey fan, I always, whenever people mention other long-suffering teams, I'm like, yeah, but they've won World Series.

Yeah. Like twice, right? Yeah, like they've done it. And once in my lifetime. So, I mean, I... Yeah, and they were in the playoffs last year. They've got some incredible players. Yeah, I don't know. Teams just have this kind of, yeah, loser lore.

I don't buy it. As a full-fledged loser. A full-breed loser. Yeah, because you can buy a bit of merchandise that says, like, such and such year champs. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I know nothing about baseball.

I think it's showing right now. So you go to baseball games. Mm-hmm. You go. You do shows yeah and then like do you have do you have a local do you have a coffee shop you're going to a central perk as it were uh what yeah uh this time i don't i've never stayed i'm in greenpoint brooklyn this time i've only been a couple weeks so far and i've never been in this neighborhood

uh so in different neighborhoods in Brooklyn and stuff I have but this one I'm also staying in a much nicer uh or just larger apartment than I usually stay in so I can there's like and because I live in a very tiny studio in Vancouver like just the idea that I could move from one room to another room and yeah then I'm like I feel like I'm my own coffee shop I'm like oh I'm gonna go to the living room and I'm not going to be able to see the bed I just got out of. Yeah. Yeah. Very leisurely.

Yeah. I guess if you've got two rooms where you don't need to go anywhere else, it's going to be a disappointment. Right. Yeah. It's definitely I'm spending way more time in the apartment than I normally would when I'm in New York. And I'm going out every night and going to shows and I'm getting out and enjoying the city, but I'm not doing a ton of like,

Oh, just I'll go get lunch, I guess. Cause I'm tired of looking at this very tiny little postage stamp. Yeah. I can move around. It's great. Yeah.

If the place is too nice, I just won't leave though. Oh yeah. You got to find that. Yeah. A real nice balance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like if I stay in a nice hotel, I can just stay in there. Oh yeah. You gotta find that. Yeah. A real nice balance. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Like if I stay in a nice hotel, I can just stay in there. You know what I mean? Yeah. Really like maybe I'll order a super expensive room service. I don't even have to go out and eat breakfast somewhere. If I didn't have dogs,

I don't think I would have left my house since 2004. Yeah. Fair. Yeah. Cause what are you getting out there? It's not, you know, nothing but heartbreak out there. Yeah, I mean, sometimes, you know, you need to pick up a soup you ordered.

Not anymore. Now you just get that Uber Eat Stover. Yeah, I'm not paying those fees. What if there was a person who was agoraphobic, they're like wow i'm not i gotta get out i'm not paying for fucking fries from mcdonald's are there i'm sure there are people who are like boy this would be a lot easier this is like a luxurious uh mental illness to have

if this is like oh boy this is if i was like a prince yeah i could really afford to be a chorophobe yeah it is like it yeah it's the golden age as far as i'm concerned so like i remember in the early 2000s there was somebody who did an experiment like can i live without leaving my apartment whatsoever and it was even pretty easy back then but uh it's way easier now holy cow oh yeah that was in like kind of the early days of internet and like delivery stuff and it was yeah it seemed like a wild uh experiment at the time and now you're like 30 days i can accidentally uh not go out for 30 days has it been raining i don't know yeah come on yeah yeah but he did it and uh

where is he now yeah hey guys remember when we all had to stay home for months yeah and now we don't even talk about it anymore yeah it's like uh like in the marvel movies there was a point where all the people disappeared for five years and then everybody like oh did you were you one of the people that disappeared for five years they just got over it they went on with their lives half like no i wasn't i was just uh i just got i had a thing with how our news cycle like you know how they'll be like you know some wild crazy event on a monday and by thursday it feels like it's 500 years ago because of how many other wild things happen all the time do you think if we had a full rapture

that those of us who are left on earth would still be talking about it after like a couple of days yeah i honestly think we'd still have to go to work yeah totally but like i know you think we'd be like it's crazy that like everyone who was decent and not everyone at this it's wild how many shoes were around like you'd be so bored of that conversation within like a day and a half you're like yeah yeah i know so many shoes yeah yeah comedians are still you're still doing found shoe material okay you're right they would and it would just be like one news story that like captured it would like ringo would die and then everybody like ah would you remember a year ago i think i don't know how

long things happened but there was a stabbing spree a guy killed like 11 people in saskatchewan yes and it was on the run for days. Then it was caught and they caught him. The police caught him. Then he mysteriously died in custody. They didn't explain it. The next day, the queen died. We never heard about it again.

The queen died. Now I'm doing, now I don't know what level of this prank I'm on. Wasn't it the same thing wasn't there um a politician that was tied to a woman's disappearance and it was like the number one news story and then the next day was 9-11 was it chandra levi, yeah, yeah. And whoever that was like, woo, same by the bell. Yeah. Hope they don't bring this up on our podcast. But yeah, oh man.

What do you guys think the rapture will be like? Will it be like people floating up into the air? Will everybody just vanish? Or will it happen in the middle of the night everywhere? So you just wake up and you see shoes? Oh oh yeah he comes like a thief in the night yes exactly um if it did happen at night how long do you think it would take you to even notice but also is it coming at night for everyone like it's like oh austria a bunch of australians disappeared overnight oh right that's right it slowly moves around the earth oh that would suck

it would be like it was like uh y2k when they were like well by the time it hit us everyone was like i think it's fine it's fine australia didn't implode and if they did let's not tie it directly to y2k could be anything oh that the biggest, scariest thing on the horizon. We all had our hair gelled and we were waiting. We were waiting on our front porches. But Katie helped us style. Yeah. Oh, the brink of the millennium.

Oh, yes. Do you, Katie, did you do anything on, you were a little young to be partying, I think. But what was your New new years 1999 to 2000 um yes i wasn't partying as much i did i went downtown but i drove there okay downtown victoria downtown victoria yeah um i wasn't drinking i was in the middle of a training camp at the time because uh that is how i spent every moment of my youth wasted which is i mean i know i was wasted i mean i wasted my youth you guys get it i get it um yeah i was in the middle of a training camp with uh sfu university at the time but in victoria and uh so i was hanging out Have you swim team in downtown Victoria? Sober. Yeah.

Yeah. Pretty cool teen stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds cool. I remember Jennifer Lopez. Didn't she have a music video where there was a countdown? Wait for tonight.

Whoa. Maybe. It could be. Yeah. Yeah. But that one makes the most sense i thought i heard on the radio they were playing what was her first single uh if you had my love yes yeah they were playing like a different version of that and i was like are people making remixes of this 25 year old song oh yeah mean, like somebody did a whole song around the one phrase and Sir Mix-a-Lot's

Babies Got Back, just Anagonda became its own song. He couldn't have predicted it. He really is like, he's made a really good career out of that one song. He's parlayed that into many, many years of, of success and lives in Seattle now.

Yeah, I think he always did. We support you, Sir Mix-a-Lot. Oh, God, before this episode's released, you know he's going to be canceled and I'm going to be such an asshole. He had a good run. Yeah. That's true. Sir Mix-a-Lot caught staring at a woman's butt. I told you i cannot lie you get them on the stand um yeah did you ever have a cool new year's katie like did you ever have a new year's where

like this is one for the ages oh no so that like that going downtown to that was pretty big for me for all the growing up ones. I would always be in training camp and it would be the winter training camp was the most intense one. And oftentimes on New Year's Day, we would just do like a full like a full day like an eight hour straight practice so that's what i would have so that's what i would know was coming kind of at the dawn of like the so i would uh but i still was very tied to ringing in the new year for somebody i was very tied to like if you don't mark it then like that i don't know i i'm not sure what it means but so i would come home from practice i would come home from from. I would come home from, from workout and like eat and I would go to bed and I would set an alarm.

And like everyone in my household would be out. My parents would be out. My brothers would be out. They'd be at parties. And I would like get up by myself and like, and hit a pan outside at midnight to be like, I did, I'm recognizing the turn of time. And then just like go back to bed so that I could get up.

Oh boy. Why was the winter training the most intense? Partly just because that's a time when you had, they knew that you didn't have school or anything else and they knew that they could have you like swim eight hours yeah and they're like you we we could claim this entire day if we wanted to like we can't you you're definitely you don't know you're a child you don't have a job yet and uh you don't have school now and so and it would be yeah we'd usually start on like was your swim coach's name ebony's or something yeah it started

on boxing day and it would go until school started again on like whatever the third or fourth and new year's day like everyone else is out having a great polar bear swim you're just swimming uh you know in a pool yeah or maybe that's a treat on new year's day we're gonna let you swim out in the icy cold water have you ever done that no i mean i've swam in icy cold water a lot um but now i've never done a polar bear swim uh formally like with other people where it was fun and community thing just picking up on this but i yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it lonely? Is swimming lonely? Seems like it would be. Yeah.

I mean, I definitely spent a lot of time alone. I definitely. Like, even with your team, you're underwater and you can't talk. Yeah. Yeah. Only in between sets sometimes you can be like, ugh. Yeesh. Oh, boy.

That sucked. Yeah, pretty much, oh, boy. That sucked. Yeah, pretty much. Like, ow. Now people would just listen. They would listen to like a podcast or something and just swim, swim, swim away for hours. Right. But like you would just have your own voice in your head for so many hours. Yeah, it was why.

And when I think about it, it's like, yeah that that uh that tracks for like why i went into also this like you know i went into like a solar pursuit that's just about like hey i've been thinking some stuff you guys will someone please listen to it i've been in my head for so long please someone have take this for a second do you think if you were stranded on a like deserted island and then somebody came to rescue you would would you within be it like an hour? Like, OK, no more talking like I would be. Like, it's nice and everything, but, you know, I'm good. The rapture just happened.

Yeah, I don't care. I don't want to hear about this. This is this is an ongoing theme. Just like getting people to shut up. I'm being i'm like hey um guys hey i'm just i had i've been working on this bit about um you guys you guys ever been you know when you're stranded indefinitely and you're not sure if you're gonna live or die you got in anyone else in anyone you know when you're leaning against the tree you do a tour of deserted islands yeah and then i just turned to my rescuers.

Are you two dating? Is this a date? Are you guys from out of town? What do you guys do? Oh, search and rescue? Oh, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. I don't have anything funny on that.

Won't stop you from uploading a TikTok clip, though. No. Oh, you're not going to like this next bit. It's about not being rescued. Which I wasn't for a very clip though. No. Oh, you're not going to like this next bit. It's about not being rescued. Which I wasn't for a very long time. I do like the idea of somebody setting up

like an audience with like clamshells and different brick and brick. Doing a stand-up comedy routine. You guys ever notice that this coconut hit me on the head? I feel that it's like

barely more delusional than some shows I've been on. You're like, yeah, this is... I mean, I'd rather perform like in front of clamshells than like work friends. Hey, invited my friends from work. Oh, you must be very new to this. Are there any crustaceans here? I'll talk slower, am I right? How many people here from under the sea?

Give it up for the crustacean band. Yeah. Is that like part of it feels like a fantasy thing like it'd be kind of fun to like if there was this thing you could do where they strand you for a week on an island and like give you a couple things and that's the holiday i feel like people would get into that in a bit didn't you tell me about someone doing this like a month ago about a guy like strand himself a woman was in a cave and didn't want to a guy like strand himself a woman was in a cave and didn't want to come out yes that's right she was in there for a year a year and she only

read 50 books or something yeah yeah if i was that they'd pull me out i'd be like i should have done more with that year oh me too absolutely or they'd be like oh you if it was like reading specifically like uh how to go and i'm like oh man i read this one like three times you had other ones you're like yeah but i already knew this one though yeah yeah exactly this is a motley cruise the dirt and uh you read different voices every time this is a one of the big uh farsight volumes this is wiener dog art by gary larson it's just an uncle john's bathroom readers a little bit everything

man they did they lock into something man oh man did they figure out a an audience and just exactly what to have for them it's uh i never read any of those and i find them gross like if i find that someone's bought something specifically to read in the bathroom i'm very put off by that i used to be real uh yeah i used to be really ashamed of something like that like i would never want it displayed like it would be a hidden in a cover like i never people have like a magazine rack in their bathroom like oh the confidence yeah you know to just admit that you're reading a magazine in the bathroom but now that everyone reads their phone on the toilet which i don't do because i like the tactile experience of a

magazine you know yeah yeah now i feel sophisticated if i read on the toilet i'll be like yeah i'm very i'm in and out i don't want to talk about it but i do remember this was a big i felt like anytime anyone was depicted in the toilet or on the toilet in movies in the 80s and 90s it was always like with a tabloid newspaper oh yeah that was your time to get away and uh you know catch up right because it's a workaday world and uh yeah i i come from a family of uh bathroom readers we have we had several of them in our house uh growing up they come with a cover that's kind of water resistant so it doesn't get uh doesn't get super gross oh dropped it in the toilet again. Don't worry. Yeah.

When was the last time you guys were in a magazine? Has it been a long time? When was the last time you had a magazine? I still subscribe to two. What do you get? We get Vanity Fair and Bon Appetit. Ooh, nice. Who's on the cover of Vanity Fair this month? still subscribed to do what do you get oh we get vanity fair and bon appetit oh nice what's uh who's on the cover of vanity fair this month the weekend

he's not gonna be the weekend anymore he's gonna be a guy oh yeah i will testify yeah um i'm gonna miss him i'm gonna miss the weekend i'll be honest have you watched any of his uh show no i've heard it's very bad i heard that as well yeah the idol is it called is he in it he's an actor in it yeah yeah yeah excellent i like it when a musician makes the leap when they're like acting now i'm an actor i haven't seen it but i have seen clips and every clip I've seen looks like a fake show in a movie. Yeah. You know, when they're like trying to do kind of a send up of what TV is.

And they're like, I've been working on this show. And then they show a clip like that's what that show looks like. I got to watch this show. If it's that bad, I need to. It's the creator of the, you know, sexy teens. Oh, sexy teens. Oh, sexy teens. Sexy teen express. Euphoria. The creator of Euphoria

made this show. Euphoria in brackets. Sexy teens. Sexy teen show. Did you guys watch Euphoria? Anybody? No. No. Kids, if it depicts anything close to what the reality of kids is kids are doing a lot

of drugs like a lot of drugs and crazier crazier drugs it seems that uh not just pot you know like popping pills kind of teens anyways uh i mean that's the time to do it your body can take it that's true and you don't have anything you've you've got eight hours at a time to go swimming so you might as well yeah yeah yeah what if you miss your alarm to nonsensically bang bang a spoon against a pie for a few minutes by yourself katie i know you haven't swam in years and i feel bad that we bring it up every time you're on the show but were you ever drug tested oh yeah yeah was that like a regular thing uh i mean i didn't i wasn't that good so i didn't get drug tested that much like you fell within the normal range of like yeah well if she's not she's not getting a medal what do we care not uh not crazy often but yeah i've definitely peed in front of a number of strangers. Yeah.

And it's like, but have you also been drug tested? Yeah. And were you reading an uncle John reader? Yeah. I'm a be a minute. Do you have someone who can relieve you? This is a really good one.

I have had a one, one of the times that I was drug tested was at the end of a 10 kilometer swim and so I was pretty pretty dehydrated and I couldn't I just didn't have to pee and I just dragged this but they also once they've tagged you for like hey

you have to be tested you can't be out of their sight but so also this woman just had to follow me around for the better part of an hour i was like i don't know okay and then wow and you can't uh you can't drink a bunch of water in order because that'll just dilute it so then i was like okay just follow me around I would have gone to places that made me look smart. Smart and cool. Well, someone's following you around.

Yeah, I've got to go to the library. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Drop off some gifts at the orphanage. I'm still in my bathing suit. I'm just like, okay. Drop off these books from the library to the orphanage. I didn't pay for these books. They books from the library to the orphanage i didn't pay for these books from the library i remember putting in a resume to get a job at like an army surplus store and they that

was one of the qualifications is that you had to be open to getting a regular urine test i was like wow it's like i'm open to it but uh i'm not come on this is like a minimum wage job like yeah i'm just doing this for the discount on cargo pants yeah cargo pants and like jungle knives something like that like a machete and stuff like that uh maybe that's why maybe that's why they didn't want you highs because there was a lot of machetes and pellet guns and whatnot uh but do you guys ever shop at a army get some army boots i had army boots in high school the cheapest yeah i like the uh those like military sweaters that are uh the shoulders are like nylon yes yeah i really and then like you would always get stuff from the german army i feel like there was always stuff that had the german not the old german army

as in selling um dave you ever get a urine test is there have you ever been in a position where you would maybe even have to? Yeah, I've had like medical urine tests. Have you ever had it where you can't, where you don't have anything? Because I've had that where I've had to just hang out in the bathroom. Oh yeah, sure. Well, like they'll like, sometimes they'll, you know, they do, they do blood tests and urine tests to rule out other things before they do any kind of. So yes, I've had, I've done the Pepsi taste test as well.

You give them the urine sample and it's clearly just Pepsi. Or is it Coke? It's clear Pepsi. It's new Pepsi beige. Why is it beige? It's a little mix. Almost every time I've had to do a pee test of that kind, I've had to do the like, you know, do like discreetly be like, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't

I didn't quite get to the line. And then they look at it like, I was fine enough. And you're like, all right, well. Yeah. Then why'd you put the line there in the first place? Yeah. Also, they say, I don't know if it's universal, but they say to go midstream. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Also, they say, I don't know if it's universal, but they say to go midstream. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Which is just like a recipe for being all over your house. Because I don't know what I don't know when it's going to end.

I don't know what midstream is. I don't know what to time it. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. There's no one giving you the light. Yeah. Yeah. Wrap it up. Wrap it up.

We got one more minute left on this thing. Dave, what's going on with you, my friend? Well, so one thing I like to do, when our kids are doing bedtime, after we read stories and brush teeth and whatever, they want to watch a video. And when it's my night to do videos, I'm like, you can watch a music video. Nice. And they each pick a music video.

And they like Taylor Swift and Britney Spears. Sure. Katy Perry. Good videos by Katy Perry. Like real colorful, a lot of fun videos. Yeah, yeah. Occasionally I'll be like, this one's inappropriate. And they'll say, why?

Because I said so. But they've been, they sometimes like to watch videos by Meghan Trainor. Sure. Who's all about that bass. Would get along with Sir Mix a lot, I think. Would be a real fast friendship, those two. And she has a new song called, not that new, I Made You Look.

Yeah. That's her most recent one. And then she's got a couple that aren't in the same league as those songs. And our kids will watch every video. They'll choose every megan trainer video and i was telling abby i was like when will they realize that she's not in the same league as taylor swift and katie perry like there is a step down right yeah and uh so i i did

a little experiment where i was like hey uh can we also watch let's try out this video it's called friday by rebecca black and i was like i wonder if the kids will notice this is bad and they don't they they can't tell it's bad they like it now i afterwards i was like so i this was a little thing this is a bad video everyone says it's bad although now myself watching friday by rebecca black i'm like why did everyone say this was bad it looks fine it looks fine and actually the song is super catchy it's the song super catchy the words are very stupid she just tells you the days of the week as slowly as possible yeah i mean rebecca back she really caught one like there we're just like oh i think this kid's rich we don't like it what you like

bought yourself a music video and then now that's like the model of like that's most things that are out or like yeah you bought it yourself of course that's the only way yeah i remember like in the early 2000s doing stand- and Dane Cook got a big following on MySpace and everybody like that doesn't count. That doesn't count because he got it off MySpace. That's not a real fan base. That doesn't count. He cultivated personal relationships within with hundreds of thousands of

people. Doesn't count. Doesn't count. You got to go on the road, play to 50 people every night. Rebecca Black released an album this year and was is doing like a big world tour what yeah wow she a gay that i didn't know get uh mario mario and poppy some tickets yeah maybe um yeah no it is like i watched the video and it was totally, totally radical.

But also like it seemed like a pretty like low budget video at the time. Yeah. But now it's like it's what everyone does. Yeah. Yeah. People are really on our ass about it. And it was one of those things where you heard it. I heard it and I was like, I don't understand why this is bad.

This is like, it's catchy and it's about Friday, which is everybody thinks about Friday. It's universal. Gotta get down on Friday. She's not a phony. She's not, you know, putting on airs. She loves this day. And then Saturday comes afterwards and after that is Sunday.

Yeah. The yesterday was Thursday. These are things about Friday that like are undeniable um yeah so they do do margo and poppy they have a favorite they have a favorite or is it megan trainer like megan trainer all the way down no it's uh i mean the weird thing is you search for taylor swift and then it shows you three Taylor Swift options. And then it's like, here's a Katy Perry, here's a Megan trainer.

It's a, you don't even really need to, they like BTS and black pink. Okay. Like all the, uh, all the greatest. Yeah.

All the top hits of the day. Um, I mean, they're all kind of, undeniably very good. Like, uh, B the Like, BTS, even the songs from, like, when they were just starting out,

those videos are incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a big, you can't be a musician now and not, like, there was a time, there was a time, I think it ended in the late 90s, where you could be weird looking and still be a famous musician. I feel like those days have gone away and you have to be, you got to be good at singing. Probably learn how to dance.

And although Dua Lipa, she doesn't seem to know how to dance. If I may, if I may say, if I may throw some shade. Oh, wasn't there the famous meme of her just like moving one hip back and forth? But she only does dance music like she doesn't even do ballads. She's just she's a disco star. She's a disco star. And her songs are great. And her videos are amazing.

And do you have Dua Lipa yet in New York? Yeah, it's an eye hasn't crossed. anyway yeah it's an eyes and crossed one of her videos is that says it's it was made by tiktok so is it somebody directed it as a tiktok and i'm like that doesn't count that doesn't count as a music video if it's tiktok that's not real doesn't count count um but yeah i don't know if uh like i started out like questioning my kids taste and then uh ended up questioning my own yeah like why is the thing you like so good why why like boy you can't tell this is bad wait a minute this is good you're just bringing up the music video for sledgehammer you're like this was a groundbreaking music video for its time actually i still think that would hold up yeah show that show that to

mario poppy see if they yeah but then when i show a video it doesn't count towards their videos they each get a video and then sometimes i'm like you guys want to watch virtual insanity my guess is pretty good it's we watched that and it was uh like there's a little bit like of camera movement where it's like oh the camera wasn't locked in place you could tell they were moving stuff around the room and it like makes the camera jiggle a bit yeah so it's not as flawless as today's music it's not as flawless as like you can you can see it uh uh i don't know why i missed the flaws back then but the uh one of the doolipa videos there's credits which is a funny always a funny thing it's like the credits are just about as long as the video themselves but there's a whole group of people that were just

roller skaters so then they had all their tiktok i'm roller skating yeah and there was a girl and her uh her whole thing is she's a roller skater and her slogan is uh good things come to those who skate which is gate wow roller skating would be a good uh kids bop version of levitating yes if you weren't allowed to say levitating if it had some you know sex meaning yeah um yeah did you what was your did you have favorite music videos growing up oh yeah trying to think of one that i would like i mean that waiting for tonight that was great uh oh the one that i love and i still love it to this day is the daft punk around the world video yeah i showed that to my kids and they're like that's it that's all they do

how about you katie fave fave video um i don't think so i mean i was like i liked all the michael jackson music videos that's like yeah those were He was the one who ushered it in. He was like, he was the big... He was the original giant music video guy. And then, like, some people just have songs where it's just the band playing and there's no fun story or effect or anything like that.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you have to cut away from the band. I cannot abide by a concert music video. Again, what are we doing here? Tell me a story. story yeah it doesn't even have to be a good story just like you know actually now i'm thinking about it the music video that i loved a lot uh was for the proclaimers i will walk 500 miles oh and that would it be clips of benny and june yeah but it was also one of those ones where i watched it so many times before i saw the movie that i thought i had this very clear idea of

what that movie was about and i also thought that johnny depp was benny and i was like yeah yeah it's a love story like i didn't understand and then i watched the movie i was like that's nothing like this song maybe believe me I have not seen the movie and I think I'm in the same boat. I think he's Benny. He loves Buster Keaton. He loves, he does.

He loves Silent. I've seen this movie. I think I've seen it several times. And Mary Stewart Masterson is June and Aiden Quinn is there too. I mean, that is essentially the movie. But yeah, I remember i remember yeah i watched that

yeah over and over and was just so sure i was like oh yeah i know exactly what this movie is and then who's benny i think benny is aiden quinn yeah is mary stewart mazerson june june yeah and it's a brother sister dynamic is the kind of primary relationship. And then Johnny Depp comes in as like... As a silent film star, basically. Can we... Boy. I'm going to look up this movie. I wonder what his name is.

This was one part very early in the movie that is like a super minor detail. But the Benny character has a standing card game. And with some friends and they and they bet items you know and one guy bets and he pulls up and his his bet that he's putting into the pot is soap on a rope slightly used i see your soap on a rope and I raise you a half thing of shaving cream. And for some reason, yeah. Soap on a rope slightly used was like a phrase that just stuck with me forever.

And like my brother and I would talk about, so we did, there was the first time we'd ever heard about soap on a rope. And we're like, this funniest thing anyone's ever offered anyone. Yeah. What was the point of soap on a rope? It was just funny.

Hang it, hang it between washings or you hold on to the rope and just whip yourself yeah uh i thought it was just like a pet rock like i thought it was just like a dumb thing that you would give somebody at christmas or like because i've seen the soap that's like a donut that you're supposed to do It's like penis soap Dave, every soap is penis soap If you want it

I mean Are people not washing their penises Before this rope came along I mean soap The circular soap What did you find out About Benny and June, the brother and sister Yeah, I mean I was wondering what Johnny Depp's character's name was What was it what did you find out about benny june the brother and sister oh the brother

yeah i mean i was wondering what johnny depp's character's name was what was it i don't know any guesses buster it's sam oh yeah super easy oh i should have guessed because like every adult with uh um developmental difficulty in that era in a movie was named sam oh was he uh is that was that a character trait of his yeah oh my but in that in that weird way in that era where it was like is it like totally undefined of like is it autism is it does that is it a cognitive difficulty is it a brain damage is it they? Is it a cognitive difficulty? Is it a brain damage? They're different.

Yeah. He was also in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Yeah. But he was, was he Gilbert or Grape? He was Gilbert Grape. Yeah. And Leo was Arnie Grape grape and the mother was mama grape mama mama mama just mama yeah i remember i remember that film that was like uh

i think that might have been like the first like dramatic like real dramatic film i ever watched and i watched it because johnny depp was in it. And I was like, ooh, there's much more to this film than just Johnny Depp, you know, silent moving around or being the adversaries. Boy, I feel like the first dramatic movie I saw was either Little Man

Tate, which I believe was directed by Jodie Foster, and was about an intense little boy. Or Searching for Bobby Fischer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, what was the one they showed us in early junior high? Lorenzo's Oil. You ever watch Lorenzo's Oil? Oh, that's a downer. What was that movie set? Why would you show that to a group of kids? Katie, do you remember any dramatic films in your youth? I mean, those ones, the ones that you cited, Dave, definitely come to mind.

I don't know. It was super. It's not as downer as the one you mentioned but yentl fingers pretty uh strongly yeah yeah absolutely um there was also stuff where it was like you thought it was going to be right up your alley and then you watch it you're like oh like popeye remember popeye being like i love popeye and that's all this like gritty real life popeye uh it felt like i didn't think it was the true story of popeye didn't realize it was a biopic or one that like has you know uh an actor you loved and you you got you rented it because

you're like oh michael j fox is in it and then it's suddenly you're like the secret of my success or whatever i don't know oh i remember watching the secret of my success of being very like this might be my entry into horniedom it was like quite a horny movie on the side because it's like boss's wife kept trying to sleep with him i'm like yeah this is this is good i like movies that were as advertised you're like okay major league it's a bunch of misfits playing baseball and guess what they're also horny yeah yeah i didn't like a bait and switch a kangaroo jack as it were something where it was you guys know about that right the kangaroo ad and then it was oh he's barely barely in it he's in one scene like cool rapping kangaroo uh but they made their money back that first weekend and they were like

well anybody else because he refused to do nudity. He would do it if it had something to do with the plot. He should have even moved the story ahead. But otherwise, he's like, I want to wear a big kangaroo diaper. Actually, now it would be a very principled stance. And at the time, he was labeled difficult to work with. Yeah, absolutely. It's hard in Hollywood for kangaroos yeah because what other roads there's like the dunkaroos commercial probably uh-huh and then what else is there maybe in a guest appearance in uh crocodile dundee or something like that but a live action winnie the Pooh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Which would also be

super disturbing if it if it was made when we were kids, it would have been all puppets that it would have been shutter to think about it. What a Winnie the Pooh.

But yeah, it seems like something you would never make into a live action, but they've done it with worse things. You don't see Kevin Hart as Eeyore he's got the wrong energy

for Eeyore oh who would be somebody that's like a perfect I mean he would be Rue yeah or yeah he would be Rue who would it be like with Ben Stein as Eeyore we're bringing Ben Stein as Eeyore?

We're bringing Ben Stein back into the fold. Yeah, who's our most sedate actor or actress? Who's like somebody that's just always, I mean, there's Stephen Wright is classically a monotone guy, but. Oh, like maybe a Joe Pera is like the new nice good pull in that uh i think we'd probably make a timothy chalamet a tigger yeah that's a good call but who who would be poo who has the the lovable energy to be a poo i don't know who's energy at all he's kind of silly he's silly silly, willy-nilly old bear. Oh, well, John Cena.

It would be John Cena, too. Yeah. Jack Black had been on hold for it for six years. What? How? How did I miss out on this? I've been wearing just a shirt all these years. It's not going gonna pay off at

all uh it's the greatest story that they managed to call it winnie the pooh and it stuck around all these years and didn't become disgusting like it really the kids could have a laugh at it all this time still becomes a classic and kangaroo jack no one's made you know art of the kangaroo jacking i'm sure there is art uh anyway well so what's going on with you graham um i think i talked about it last week but i went to a wedding went to a wedding i don't know if you did actually uh i know i talked about uh getting in cabs and then walking out of them as if they were ubers i don't yeah just walking out the door and the guy being like hey

although he was with somebody one of the times that i walked out and they had to pay um but yeah i went to a wedding and uh which i i feel like i'm out of the until people i know as kids start getting married i think i'm out of the age bracket of weddings like i think for a while there it was a couple times in the summer you were going to weddings now it's rare this. This was a rare one. I haven't been to one for years. I've never really been invited to very many weddings. I just don't make the cut of the top 100 people my friends know. Well, you know, if you trained more, if you spent a whole day throwing rice. Watching them pee.

Watching people pee. Hey, Katie, if you ever get married, you're going to invite the person who watched you pee? Of course. Everyone who supported me. Made me who I am. Also, we fell in love, so she'll be there. Oh, yeah. Real meet cute.

Yeah. I know this is forward of me because I'm the one who uh looks at your pee but uh you want to get a coffee sometime make some more pee yeah would you wash your hands first uh but it's fun it's fun to go to a wedding put on a suit go to a wedding and uh you kind of like all the the basic it's very laid out like it's all the things you know the exact sequence of it's not like going to a party like you know ceremony then they they fuck off and get their picture taken there's this kind of awkward in between time where you if it's all on the same site is great.

But I've been to weddings where it's like, we're at the chapel and then meet us across town at 4 p.m. And you're like, well, it's one o'clock. I can't go home and then come back. So now I'm just stuck with these people I don't know. And they're like my friend group for the next three hours. Yeah. So there's that. And then uh you know everybody gets together there maybe there's a dinner there wasn't a dinner at this one but you know a dinner where

you're seated next to people you may be related to or somebody that's what was there if not a dinner so like what time was the ceremony it was at three in the afternoon and I was working on the radio. So I didn't go to the ceremony. I just went to the, the, and they had like tacos. They had like finger food. So you didn't have to,

there was no formal meal. And then of course, speeches, speeches. And, uh, I had a very funny joke. His past past guest cam mcleod was doing a speech i said you want me to give you the light which was a fun everybody chuckled at that uh does

somebody want the light while they're up there okay um were you emceeing this no no no uh past guest brad mcneil was the emcee okay and, uh, I always say if you're an MC at a wedding, you should start with, is anybody celebrating here? Is anybody celebrating anything here? It's pretty good. Um, time,

the speeches that was fun to do to see who, uh, who is the favorite going in and who was the favorite to be the longest or the shortest? Uh, the favorite to go the longest was a set of parents so the thought was oh yeah each would have a chunk that they would do and but the two parents were like pretty quick it was the father of the uh groom who blew past the light did a full strong

16 or 17 minutes sure and how was the mic technique i find dads have terrible mic technique mic technique for the most part was uh people standing too close to the speaker and so a lot of feedback also one of the mics kept cutting out and uh but it was funny the groom's dad was like he was he was born for He was born for the stage. He had funny quips throughout. He had great mic handle technique. He was like calling people out. It was great. He was great.

He was the star of the show. And then, then, uh, dance time. That's the, follows the, the speeches. All classic. How long do you stick around during dance time? I stick around until the caterers are coming in and moving food out. Once that's been taken care of, I'm like, alright, let's wrap it up.

No new surprise foods are coming in. Open bar. Open bar to a point and then toonie bar. Which is just as chaotic as open bar. Did you need toonies? I brought bills, but yes, it was a toonie.

Everything was $2. Okay. Yeah. But you couldn't pay, you needed cash. You needed cash. Yeah. Which is in Canada for people in the States, our cash is super slippery. It's like a plastic polymer.

But I meant more from the sense of no one carries it anymore. No had to like specifically bring cash a lot of people didn't so i ended up picking up a lot of uh toonie tabs and uh but because there was no meal and there was just like tacos and an open bar oh i got drunk oh did i get drunk oh lordy lordy uh lordy. Because I was really shoveling in before the toonie hour struck. I also had money. I had money to burn. So, and no food in my stomach. And so, just, oh, God, got hammed. Got properly hammed.

And it's been a long time since I was at a wedding. And even more so since i was drunk at a wedding but i was like i hope my nephew gets married at some point because i'm ready to be drunk uncle i am ready i feel like my training's complete three-year-old nephew he's three turning four and uh you know you you're you think you can go i don't know 20 30 years before your next wedding oh boy i mean and you just gotta practice being drunk yeah i just gotta practice ruining a speech that's what i spend the the christmas holidays doing that's my training that i do during the christmas holidays is getting just being drunk. Yeah, exactly. Just being drunk. I like the possibility of going to a relative's house

and falling asleep on the couch from eating too much and then drinking and just have some time where, oh, leave Uncle Graham alone. He's sleeping. Oh, and then he has night terrors. He's ruining everything for everybody. Graham has daytime night terrors. He's had sleep paralysis

on the couch while the rest of us are trying to watch the friggin Grinch over here. This guy's being a real Grinch. But yeah, it was a lot of fun and that did lead to one of the times I was in a cab and just walked out.

And didn't even think about it and it happens all the time apparently to these cabbies i was about to say it must be very common now yeah and uh yeah so uh that was yeah i had a wedding good wedding fun they don't do rice anymore there's no throwing of things at the couple anymore maybe there's like what do they do i know that right there were things that i only saw in weddings on america's funniest home videos i've never seen the bride take off her garter and throw it on man can you imagine seeing your aunt do that? Okay, horny boys. This one's for the boys. Yeah, and I never, I don't think I ever saw the car with the cans.

I never saw the... You see a lot of cars with pom-poms back in the day. Yeah. You honk at them. Yeah, but did you ever see cans? I don't think so. I mean, check out these cans. I remember my uncle, when he got married to my aunt, had Just Married written on the soles of his shoes.

So that was a fun thing when he showed us that that was a fun moment of levity in an otherwise dark and superman day. Because kids don't like weddings. No! There's very little. I think some kids think they're going to like the wedding until it happens. The thing

I'm sure I've mentioned this on the podcast before as a kid, waiting for cake time, that's the whole thing you're looking forward to cake time and it was carrot cake oh it was ever so what a betrayal it might as well have been like prune cake or something like that it was just like oh fucking carrot cake come on i've been waiting all night for chocolate or birthday cake or you, vanilla or lemon at the very least. I was a big fan at Kidway if there was a dance floor because I would wear like nylon stockings, you know, so you get to slide across the floor in your stocking feet.

Or like maybe do a knee slide if you're really getting into the groove. And parents love that. Are you kidding me? Seeing a kid do knee slides or sliding around the dance floor. It's the groove. And parents love that. Are you kidding me? Seeing a kid do knee slides or sliding around the dance floor. It's the best. The very best. Sometimes a guy will have his tie up on his head, you know,

move his neck to forehead. But you have the garter thing. God, thank God I haven't seen that. It's just, I don't even know if I've seen a bouquet throw. Definitely seen a bouquet throw. I haven't seen both of these things. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. Like, I've seen the full, like, yeah, straight out of the movies, like, dude's going to take the garter off with his teeth, the whole deal. Yeah. Jesus. Shoving cake in each other's faces. Yeah, I've seen that. I've seen, or it's just like they do it as a kind of eye-rolly thing where they just take a little icing

and put it on the other person's nose. That's cute. Did I tell you when I, speaking of things that are like you only see in the movies and you assume happen in real life, when I graduated from broadcasting school, we had like the full cap and gown graduation

and I'm the only one who threw my cap in the air laughter laughter they make us pay for these man you gotta return it laughter laughter

yeah oh man anyways uh should we move on to some overheards yeah what is up people of the world do you have an argument that you keep having with your friends and you just can't seem to settle it and you're sitting there arguing about whether it's star trek or star wars or you can't decide what is the best nut, or can't agree on what is the best cheese. Stop doing that. Listen to We Got This with Mark and Hal only on MaxFun. Your topics asked and answered objectively, definitively, for all time.

So don't worry, everybody. We got this. We got this. They can be anywhere. At your office. In your car. And they are wrong. My mom says that the gray house didn't exist but she's wrong he just doesn't wrong someone in your life is wrong about something something small something weird something vitally important only one person has the courage to tell

them just how wrong they are you know what you was wrong, but your daughter is a liar who eats garbage. They call me Judge John Hodgman. Listen to me on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. If someone in your life is doing you wrong, don't just take it. Take it to court. Submit your case at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Overheard. Overheard's where if you hear it, we want to hear it.

That's the deal. And we always like to start with our guest. Katie Ellen, do you have an overheard? I do, yes. And it comes from, it's a classic from east vancouver there's just a group of uh uh yeah just a group of youngish i don't know 20 year old people kind of now and uh and one of them said oh yeah he really drives the girls wild with his t-shirt cannon oh hell yeah he really drives the girls wild with his t-shirt cannon oh if you knew somebody that had their own t-shirt cannon oh god the shit you could get up to as a kid oh man yeah because it's not you don't

need a license no and my mom would be like where are all your shirts i'd be like i don't know parts unknown check the trees check the roof no shirt but a denim vest just you know that guy means business drives the girls wild did you guys know somebody that had a potato gun or anything like that when you're in high school because those potato guns were on the border of being lethal. We had one of those, you know, those like three-person water balloon slingshots? Yes. You could really hit a business far away.

Yeah. Yeah, those could really fly. In university, we did, when we were having a prank war with our arbitrary arbitrary rivals uh we uh got some like little yogurt cups from the cafeteria and slingshotted those that would hurt well we hit the building oh i see this wasn't shooting at people's faces their rival our rivalry was with a building we used to try to hit a building because it had a tin roof like it was it was a

little like marina restaurant okay so we like to try to hit them with the water balloon from quite far away because we figured that it would uh be terrifying inside yeah yes it would be or hit it with eggs on a hot day oh man that would be so fun to be inside a place that was being attacked by eggs like if it wasn't your place you'd be like this is great this is great i get to be part of it i don't get gross or anything like that um eggs are quite expensive now they say oh yeah if you get an egg now like man did you earn it i i um i wasn't paying attention to what they cost before but now i'm like they're very expensive eggs are very expensive so i don't know how much they've gone up i was like they these were

affordable or yeah and this is forced today's kids to just use rocks yeah uh dave do you have an overheard yes um mine is an overseen and maybe this is a very common thing that people are going to be like dave come on yeah i was like everybody knows this everyone knows this i was in the toilet department of home depot i got lost maybe people are gonna be like dave this is a very famous toilet thing dave i'm a toilet collector you know there's going to be like, Dave, this is a very famous toilet thing. Dave, I'm a toilet collector. You know there's got to be somebody out there that does. But I love the toilet department at Home Depot. I was there.

I did not mean to be there. I can't stress this enough. I was lost. I was looking for... We have these dampeners on our cupboards and some of them broke off. And so now I accidentally closed the cupboard super loud. Yes. Yes.

Anyway, I ended up in toilet town. Is that what they called it in the story? Yeah, I was in toilet town. And I was sure I was in the magazine rack section of it. At the end cap. They had this American Standard Champion 4 toilet. You guys know the one. Is it, what is it?

Is it big? It's a regular toilet. Just a regular toilet. But their claim on the outside of the box of this toilet. It's got a picture. Well, it says engineered to prevent clogs. Flushes a bucket

of golf balls in a single flush. Which they do advise when your golf balls are on their last leg. Just flush them. Just flush them. But yeah, that was... Flushes a... Wow.

I mean, how big of a bucket? That's true. Is there like a standard bucket size? Like, because I'd be filling it right up to the brim to see how good this toilet is. What a strange measure. Yeah. I guess they don't float. But I'd be impressed if a toilet could get one golf ball down.

So like it's showing a whole bucket. Yeah. That's pretty good. And does it make a fun noise when it does it? Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Whoa. Oh, shit. There was a, somebody pointed out in the picture of the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago where all the files were capped.

Allegedly. Allegedly. There's a sink and you can see the toilet peeking out past the sink. The sink's quite far away from the wall. So either the toilet is super far away from the wall or it's a super long toilet that's peeking out what do you think of it is do you think toilet far from the wall which is weird or long long toilet which is awesome uh and the sink is the sink is normal sink is normal but you can see the toilet peeking around the yeah maybe it's like one of those lie down toilet you can lie back does it recline uh-huh like they have a first class right

luxurious lie down toilet oh boy think of how many golf balls you can flush down that guy and you're in mar-a-lago you're probably golfing oh yeah you probably swallowed one let's test this toilet out after one it just oh shit oh no oh no no no no no no i didn't i don't know i don't know who did it it was clogged when i got here um my overseen oh yes please give it to me also from the world of toilets uh this was uh you know like you go into a bathroom at a restaurant or whatever everybody has like a bunch of instructions on how to flush the toilet like wiggle the handle a little bit or wait until it goes down or you know flush twice or uh please no golf balls yeah the big thing is paper towels they're like don't throw paper towels in the toilet which i never have in my entire life i don't know why this is

a problem uh but i don't know why yeah who's who's doing that who hasn't learned it must be people's first day with a paper towel yeah like i guess this goes in here i wiped with it yeah and this is also where we can pour down uh the leftover stew and uh you know a bunch of paper of uh you know stuff i don't need at the end of the school year like yeah but it was very cute it was very cute. It was very cute because I think somebody, just a fun little word change, was, I think it was meant to say, you know, after you tinkle, you use the, flush the thing twice or whatever. And it said tinker, after you tinker. I thought that was fun.

Like, who, after you tinker, after you was fun like who is after you tinker after you work on a you know a little project you make a little gadget i just thought it was so cute one letter and it made it very adorable i flushed so much paper towel down that door oh my god was it er or re uh er i think yeah okay yeah so they would have been spelling tinkle wrong yeah they they did well i'm not here to nitpick these people's you know this person i like the i like the idea that it's not a misprint and that is what that person thinks is the phrasing for that and every time they've ever gone over to a house with like a retired man who lives there or whatever, every time they've ever asked like,

where's John? Oh, he's just off tinkering in the garage. Like in the garage. You guys got a toilet in your garage? Amazing. Is he going to wash his hands after? Yeah, probably. He's been out there for so long.

Oh, yeah. He can tinker for hours yeah yeah i just let him be um if you guys watched selling sunset at all this infected your brain in any way shape or form i have not every place these giant mansions it's always like six bedrooms nine bathrooms like it's always the it's always out of proportion. So many more bathrooms than bedrooms. Maybe it's because every bedroom has a bathroom. And then three more bathrooms.

Yeah, because you're, boy. Was it the Brady Bunch? The boys and girls had a bathroom in the middle in between their two rooms. Oh, that seems like hell six people all using right there's six and then parents had their own bathroom i guess any type of bathroom has two doors which is often like if it's often sometimes a place that's a master bedroom but like it's off a master bedroom but also they want access from a hallway or something it just yes oh it stresses me out so much.

Yeah. You're like, I got to lock this and this and this. Yeah, I was using a bathroom at a restaurant that I came in like through a hallway. And then while I was using it, someone just came in from behind, like an employee came from a back room. And I was like,

I could not have anticipated there was another entrance here. Who's tinkering in here? Yeah, I'm tinkering. Someone comes down from the vents. That's how Tom Cruise goes to the bathroom in Mission Impossible 1. I heard he does his own tinkering. Yeah. My uncle and aunt's house, they had one of those

like a sliding bathroom door with like the little last, it was supposed to be the last to never work. So it was always a terrifying race to pee as fast as you could get out of there. Cause we have, we have one of that. You got a sliding one.

Yeah. And, uh, uh, I feel like, uh, well, I mean,

it's not a big issue, i guess we're family but i guess if visitors came they might be like i'm in here just like making all sorts of like cough noises and whistling just so you know i'm in here banging on the toilet etc etc. Now we also have overheards sent in to us from people all over the world. If you want to send one in to us, send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Luke in Nashville, Tennessee. We were walking to the field for my daughter's softball game

and one of her 10-year-old teammates yells across the park, Hey, guess what I had for dinner? Cereal. Nice. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. That's a big day whenever it's just like, just eat some cereal and go to bed.

Do you ever do that, Dave? Or it's just like, okay. Do you tell my kids that? No, like just breakfast for dinner that kind of oh oh yeah we'll do breakfast for dinner but that means like we're cooking yeah yeah um how about you katie ever cereal for dinner i've had oh yeah just eat cereal. It's a big after school snack. Yes. Just dry or full cereal style?

We used to, you know how you would get those like collector cups from like 7-Eleven or the movie theaters or whatever that would have like the big tall plastic ones? I would eat cereal out of that after school. How did you get the spoon in there? Well, you're only eating from the top, really. Oh, yeah, I guess so, yeah. I mean, unless it's a weighty cereal, like a mini-wheat. I don't know why I did it.

There's no advantage to it. No, but you're a teen. You're trying some stuff out. As you say, yeah, you're breaking all the rules. It's after school. That's your time. Yeah, Mom. Get off my back. Yeah, the two say, yeah, you're breaking all the rules. It's after school. That's your time. Yeah, Mom. Get off my back.

Yeah, the two-door bathroom, you leave both doors open. Mom, I read about this in Owl magazine. Whatever teens read. Was that Goofus and Gallant? Was that from Owl? No, maybe it was. Owl was like, I no maybe it was owl was like i feel like it was just about animals it was for a little kid

but it wouldn't stop me from reading it if it was at the doctor's office i'd read an owl or or read that then yeah of course absolutely occasionally i would look at a time magazine that had a cartoon on the cover like well because you see cartoon of uh the ayatollah i remember once i used to subscribe to the muppets magazine oh i did too they had centerfolds yeah i remember being on vacation with my family because this is a thing my family repeats to me all the time. And being on vacation and saying, oh, I can't wait to go home and see all our mail. And now anytime we're not at home, my family is like, Dave, do you want to go home and see all your mail? male i genuinely love how your family uh brings up things to like slam you with for oh yeah something i said that i thought about for two seconds has become a thing because there was one

right katrina and the waves is that yeah my favorite song katrina and the waves the other one was my sisters loved uh the clothing brand esprit oh yeah and uh one year at christmas i got a sweater that i didn't like and i didn't care about the brand i just didn't like the sweater yeah but then they looked at the brand they're like it was just some uh like department store brand called departures and they said oh that's boys esprit departures is boys esprit and uh now anytime we're in a freaking airport jave look at that boys esprit Poisonous spray. Oh, man. Oh, man, that's good. This next one comes from Jack Spokane, Washington.

I just overheard my co-worker's phone conversation with someone. I assume his wife or partner. So what's wrong? No, I don't think you have that typing sounds i'm looking at the symptoms now i'm pretty sure that you don't have that no no i think you just have deep-seated insecurity oh this is my amateur opinion oh yeah yeah what are the symptoms of that calling me at work yeah i actually have chronic deep-seated insecurity yeah oh absolutely it's uh there's no cure there's no oh if there was only a pill i'd sign up for it immediately you can manage the symptoms but um you can't drive yeah you shouldn't drive at night not if you've been drinking as much as i have irritable bowel insecurity yeah yeah well i know this toilet

that'll uh really help you god um this last one comes from seth uh and it was uh from madison wisconsin he sent in a jingle which if you're uh wait wait wait we're saving those for the jingle oh yeah no but this is this is the setup he accidentally sent in an overheard that was uh even better than the jingle uh and so he was on my way if you've never heard here on the podcast if you're a member you get extra bonus episodes and one of the ones we do or we have done is that jingles from your childhood or your area that have been stuck in your head your whole life you can become a member of maximumfund.org and hear that kind of stuff anytime you want uh so this person was sent in a like a jingle but they said on my way back from a sleep clinic study during which I apparently said, who am I?

Richard Dreyfuss in his sleep. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. So he accidentally he was just glazing over a great overheard to get to the jingle but you gotta dig in the call to find them diamonds well in addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls

if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one spypod one like these people have hey Dave hey Graham this is Steven from Westchester, Pennsylvania, and I'm calling because I was at the grocery store the other day at the self-checkout, and two of the associates were talking nearby, and the one associate says to the other,

man, I'm just really out of gas today. And the other associate said to him, why don't you go get some? It's like he didn't know she was tired. No friggin' way. No friggin' way, man. I like that because it's, if that was like in a sitcom script, people would be like, no, you can't just set the person up that easily.

We know we've got this dumb guy character, but we can't give him that every time yeah yeah I'm all out of gas well well that's not what it smells like that would have been my line yeah yeah do you feel like as I guess this is a common thing like

as a sitcom goes on they just become sillier it's become sillier and sillier because they zero in on like what's the one trait this character has? Okay. They're stupid. Let's really just make them super stupid. And,

uh, cause I think maybe writers get tired of trying to have any nuance, you know, you're on season 10 of something. Um, it happened to Joey on friends. I know you're going to bring up Joey. He got less horny and more stupid and also

would eat more yeah he was yeah he would eat a lot more yeah um but you know that's why he got the spin-off because he's the deepest character here's your next phone call hello dave graham and guest is kurt from vermont calling in and overheard in the story of the day. And I overheard one fellow at the deli say to another one, so you know that thing about how when you're driving drunk, you're actually a better driver. And the other guy goes, yeah. And he says, well, for me, I had to lose three cars and about $40,000

to learn that actually, I'm not. All right, off I go. You got to do the scientific method. You got to do some guess and check. Don't take everybody's word for it. Seems like every time I do this, I wreck my car but but everyone says it it makes you a better driver everyone says that um i got an i remember a comic trying to tell me

they're like the thing is everyone thinks that like drunk driving is so dangerous but the thing is is that mostly people get drunk at night and driving at night is just more dangerous so that's why i was like i can't i cannot have this guy i can is just more dangerous. So that's why I was like, I can't, I cannot have this comedy. I can't, I hate comedy so much. That's why I'm getting wasted at brunch. Yeah. Just to prove. Oh man.

I remember in high school at our grad party, a kid, you know, was going to drive drunk and his girlfriend was screaming about it. Somebody stop him! So he went over and punched him in the face. Yes! Hero! Most people would have just taken his keys.

Yeah, no, I was just like all health! Kabloo! In movies it's like they take his keys and throw them in like a pond. Yeah. Well, that sucks too. I feel like in the movie, if this was a movie, they'd be like, oh, Graham, thanks so much.

I was so afraid he was going to drive. He was going to drive? Now that's some good writing right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop that guy. Yeah, fuck that guy. He can't drive. He's all out of gas.

And your final phone call. Hey, Dave Graham. Yes, this is Ben from Seattle. Been overheard. I was sitting in my work lunchroom and overheard a group of girls talking and one of them said, When I was a little girl, I was in bed, couldn't sleep, and I was really bored, so I was praying for something exciting to happen, and the next day was 9-11. Well, off i go oh so the real culprit of 9-11 was a 12 year old girl or something bored kid yeah dear lord please let something interesting happen. I'm so bored. Okay. How about this?

How many prayers does God get out of boredom? Out of like, make something interesting happen. Or just like, hey, I'm just getting in touch here. I got nothing else to do. So let's do prayer version. I remember in going to church and one of the sermons the priest did reverend minister uh was about how many times should you pray and like he brought up like maybe just you know if you got nothing to do just repeat the lord's prayer in your head and i maybe did it after that, like hundreds of times a day. And I would really be like, oh God, I'm just on autopilot with this damn prayer.

I'm not even, I don't even mean the words. I don't even know what half of the words mean, actually. Wherefore art thou? That's not part of it. Fire beware. Losers weepers. Well, that brings us to the end of this here episode. Katie, thank you so much for being our guest.

Thanks for having me. It's always such a delight. Y'all are so fun. Do you have anything that you're plugging at the moment a particular show or some sort of recording or something like that and this comes out in july july oh fantastic yeah so i am going to be this is be regional but i'm going to be at the victoria fringe i'm debuting a new solo show you are i am oh that's so cool so that'll be uh victoria fringe which is august uh 23rd until september 3rd nice and then yeah listeners can keep an eye out this is um

pretty far in advance but graham and i are going on tour together we're doing a little holiday tour in november starting november 22nd that's going to be primarily in Alberta and British Columbia. That's with the Debaters Live. Yeah, yeah. Graham Clark, Katie Allen Humphries, head-to-head. Yeah, exactly. We're going to be playing at Caesars Palace. This is a big confrontation people have been

waiting for. The Caesars Palace in Lethbridge. Yeah. Yeah, it's like when a small place gets like a hard rock cafe and you're like oh shit okay um yeah uh oh that's so cool doing a friend show that's great yeah it's called no worries if not no worries if not that's great um well thank you very much. And thank you, everybody out there listening. I hope that no matter what toilet you have, you can flush down at least one golf ball. So try it out.

Come out next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.