Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 804 - Bita Joudaki

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

Comedian Bita Joudaki returns to talk cockroaches, espresso martinis, and opera.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 804 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who I think knows the musical history significance of this day. It's 19 years since what has happened. We're recording this on August 8th. August 8th. So 19 years ago would have been 2004.

Yeah. August 8th, 2004 2004 the musical significance of today yes yeah oh this is a fun one but i don't know it but i want to think about it um uh let's see oh is it um did britney and madonna kiss on the Video Music Awards? No, no. Did Christina and Madonna kiss? No, it was no. 2004, where was it? It's a place in Chicago. Chicago. Kanye West, a young Kanye West.

No? No. No, I don't know. It was the day that the Dave Matthews band were crossing a bridge and they emptied out their toilet on a riverboat. And it was Dave Matthews' orders. Yeah. He said, those people right there.

Nail them. Yeah. Nail them, boys. Bullseye. I'll get you chicago um and our guest today one of our all-time favorite speaking of she's oh she's so funny we love having her here it's beata judaki everybody oh no i forgot that she's a ghost now i forgot that beata died minutes ago and i've come back as a why did we forget that minutes ago?

Instead of calling the police or ambulance, we were like, you know what? Let's just do the show. The show must go on. Let's squeeze out a hello out of her. You sit on her chest. How's it going? Oh, it's good. Who's this? It's the character Vita's working on.

Should I do the whole show like that yeah hello just keep saying the word hello it's so like weird to be here that's how I feel

I said I had a weird energy all day my energy's been even keel starting to finish well it hasn't finished yet

still could get weird. Let's get weird. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to get on a bus and empty out the toilet. Just a bus, a city bus. Oh, God. And it fell on people.

Yeah. That's so gross. I know, but it's like one of the greatest things. I don't know if I could go on living. Yeah. With Dave Matthews' poo on you? Yeah. I feel like I never could get clean.

That's like, I feel like. Space between. Yeah, that's a song. Me and Dave Matthews' poo. We've had 19 years to come up with a spoof. And this was it. What is his hit song? Oh, he's got so many.

I mean, there's the space between. I mean, the one that comes to mind for this would be, I guess, Don't Drink the Water. That's really good. There's poo in the water. Sure Crash Into You. Oh, yes. That's the one

yeah that song is so good uh huh I know that I know that you guys all hate it whoa no we don't hate it

I think I actually had a text chain with a text chain I think sorry I don't know what that

by the way we also we're totally fine with text chain yeah i think i actually texted with abby once about how much she hates that song oh yeah well no maybe and i was like no but it's good and she was like no every relationship has somebody who loves dave matthews in the other way yeah so i guess we know who's who but when you were saying you guys hate that song were you just inferring that because Abby does?

Yeah. And I feel like you guys would have hated it because you guys are like. I just didn't like I know when you said crashing to me, I just don't know any of his music. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You got your ball, you got your chain. I think. isn't that... That's crashing to me.

Isn't that song about peeping? About being a peeping Tom? Well, I don't know exactly, but I remember the line, hike up your skirt a little more. Ew. Show your world to me. Leave your skirt where it is, lady. Don't take this guy's demands.

I used to... Wait, wait. Should we get to North? where it is, lady. Don't take this guy's demand. I used to... Wait, wait. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Get to know us. I used to have a... I mean, boy, I guess I don't need to tell this story. I want to hear it now. Well, you know that line, hike up your skirt a little

more, show your world to me. Ew. Every time you say that, I'm so disgusted. I went to college with a guy named Pej, and he used to wear green jeans. And we would say, hike up your green jeans a little more, show your Pej to me. No, that's wholesome. Yeah. It's a lot of people in college like i

knew about dave matthews in high school yeah i even had two of his albums and uh then i got to college and uh people loved him and i was like i guess uh that's it for me i uh have a friend who's a dave matthews head and has traveled and gone on several dates of a tour kind of thing they listen to this show okay oh gina i'm talking about you yeah gina oh boy do you think there's dave matthews heads that were like i wish i was on that boat i would have saved it in jars no No, some people are into that. Yeah. That is true. Speaking of saving it in jars, who sells wine?

Oh, nice. Who does? Dave Matthews. He fertilizes it himself. Wasn't he canceled? Wasn't he canceled? No, maybe. No, am I thinking of someone else?

Yeah, Louis C.K. Literally anyone, everyone. Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking of Louis C.K. I don't know if he was canceled.

Nothing's ringing a bell. No, I think he's fine. Whatever. He's in, you know, rarefied air with the Grateful Dead and Fish and, you know,

the traveling fans. Wilburys. Yeah, the traveling Wilburys. blueberries um beta you were in town visiting your parents and i i asked you the other night how long did it take for you to revert to your teenage self upon arriving in your parents house and you said immediately As soon as I land, I have just become the biggest bitch on earth. I don't know why. I hate it.

Just at your, around your parents? Yeah. I'm like the worst version of myself. I don't know why. No, it's, but I feel like, like I was saying, i feel like it too when i become i just become like a guy who's just the teenage me would be like yeah this guy when what is your parents doing i nothing because the thing is they're probably being so nice they're like exactly and then they'll be like so like how's work i I'm like, I don't know.

I just want to get to know me more. Are you immediately going out or are you like? No, I'm just like, like sulking on the couch for hours. What would be a teenage beta's TV diet of sulking on the couch? I don't know. I watched Friends and Seinfeld and Simpsons. Okay. Yeah.

Those are good shows. Those are all good shows. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like, what was on in the daytime? Or like after school, which was a good. Oprah was a good after school sulking program. Days of our lives. Days of our lives.

Yeah. Oh yeah. I never got into soap opera. No, me neither. There's, but I know it was on. There's some,

uh, scabs that have, uh, crossed the picket line to write for soap operas. Oh yeah. And it's just like, well, as soon as this,

uh, strike is over you're done forever so why would anyone do that maybe they just wanted to like maybe writing's not

their main thing maybe they were like a 20 year NBA all-star center oh god is that

are you referencing someone specific well Kareem Abdul-Jabbar became a writer late in life did he wrote for Veronica Mars what

oh I didn't know that holy shit that's so cool I know he wrote a book but holy shit really yeah I remember how Joel Jabbar became a writer late in life. Did he? Wrote for Veronica Mars. What? Oh, I didn't know that. Holy shit, that's so cool. I know he wrote a book, but holy shit, really? Yeah. Hey. Oh, wow. Do I smell? No.

Okay. Do I? Now I'm worried that I smell. No, I lost my sense of smell. Yeah, because of COVID. Because I got COVID. Oh. And on the sea bus on the way here, these two people sat next to me at the same time

and then scooched away from me at the same time. So I'm worried. Did you leave the house? How long had you been out of the house? Like an hour. Okay. But you seem very clean. Yeah.

Yeah. You're fine. It's. All right. Yeah. Maybe those guys just didn't like clean. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. You're fine. It's. All right. Yeah. Maybe those guys just didn't like you. Yeah. I don't.

I don't smell you at the moment. But, you know, you're over there. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a writer. Yeah. No, let's go back to you smelling. No.

When. How. How many times did you get COVID? Just once that I know of. This was my first time. When was it? It was last week. Was it really?

Yeah. No. Yeah, why? Have you tested that you don't have it anymore? No, you don't have it after like 10 days. You can't. You're serious? Yeah.

No way, man. No, read online. After 10 days, you can't give it to people anymore. No, it's true. That can't be true. That is 100% true. So you. No.

No, Google it right now. No, no, I believe that. But I was just like, I lost my sense of smell after getting COVID, you know, six months ago or a year ago. It's just, this is recent COVID? Yeah. Okay. Why is that weird? I just did not expect that answer.

No, you can't make people sick after 10 days. Okay. You can't. I'm after 10 days. Okay. You can't. I'm saying okay. Google it. No, I had a terrible cold for two months. And, but I like after 10 days or whatever, I was like, well, if it was COVID, they would have just said, go back to work after five days.

So I'm just going to have this cold for forever and go about my day. Yeah. Just sniffling and snorkeling for the rest of your life. You're better now. Uh, I still get like a coughing fit a day. Oh, wow.

Okay. I bet it was COVID. I tested negative multiple times a week. Did you have to, did you isolate? Yeah. You have roommates? No, I don't.

You live by yourself? Mm-hmm. Shit. So this was in Toronto you got COVID? Mm-hmm. And how many days ago was it? It was like 10 days ago or more. But then you flew?

I flew exactly when I was allowed to. Okay. Don't try to bring me down here. Don't cancel me like you canceled Dave Matthews. Yeah. What are you Googling? Just like how to destroy Dave. No, I am totally okay and you're not going to get sick.

I haven't had it. Ugh. You live alone in Toronto. But how? That doesn't seem a thing that's possible. I have a really horrible apartment that's falling apart. Aha. Okay. What's the worst thing about it? There are house centipedes

and spiders and um. Centipedes are that's a Toronto thing. Yeah. The weird centipedes. I'll show you. Oh they're ugly. Oh they're long and ugly. I think they're beautiful. Everything's beautiful in it's own way. Yeah. Ray Stevens?

The Streak? Yeah, The Streak. Yeah. That was on his album. One of his many albums. Okay. Hold on. Look.

Oh, we got to see a picture of this centipede. Got to see the house centipede. Yeah. Oh, no. I think that's wonderful. I think it looks wonderful. They're like this big. Yeah, it looks like a literal shellfish.

I think when the bigger ones are like 20 years old. Really? And they're like, when I was a baby, Dave, man, you just dunked a bunch of poo on them. And I once woke up with one of them on my face. No! Yeah, and it bit me. And they bite? Mm-hmm.

Fuck. Does your landlord just not care? Like, are you supposed to get fumigated for that? How do you get rid of... Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I never told them, but I just assume they don't care. Well, maybe give them a shot.

Yeah. Maybe they don't want this place to be filled with crazy bugs. When I moved in, there were, like like a bunch of holes in the wall. We were going to install air conditioning, but I come here to get mad. And there were cockroaches. And then I was like, hey, can you fix this? And they're like, no. This is Toronto.

We don't have to. So then, yeah. So I don't think they would care about house centipedes. Okay. So have you been able to fend them off at all, these bugs, or they just have the run of the place? I got rid of the cockroaches, but I filled every hole I can find. How do you get rid of cockroaches?

I just filled all the holes. I just never saw them again. Okay. Yeah. They're, man, they're weird. Do they, we don't have them here, do we? No, a friend, uh, from a long time ago, uh, Aubrey Tennant had, his place was infested with cockroaches. Yeah, everywhere has those.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think any place doesn't have cockroaches. You just give them a run down place and some food on the floor and they'll catch it. They'll come to you. We're more rat city. Yeah definitely. You don't have a rat do you? No but there's like mouse mice in the walls or maybe they're rats. Could be. Could be. Don't give up the hope that it's a rat. Well I've heard that if you can hear maybe they're rats. Could be. Could be. Don't give up the hope that it's a rat.

Well, I've heard that if you can hear them, they're rats. If they're mice or silent. Oh, okay. Then there's definitely rats in the walls. Yeah.

I've lived in places with that. It could be squirrels. Or squirrels. Well, squirrels, wouldn't they be like, eek, eek, eek? Your peanuts are always missing. Oh, yeah.

But why am I thinking that having a squirrel in the wall is better than a rat? Because they're cuter. They're cuter. And they just bring in acorns and stuff like that. Yeah, not like disease. Yeah, has anybody got sick over a squirrel? Probably lots of people. Yeah, well, the squirrel didn't isolate.

The squirrel went on a podcast too soon. Do you guys think I'm going to give you COVID? I don't think so. Okay, look. I'm going to Google it right now. You're going to be humiliated. I am all, every day of my life I'm humiliated. How many days

after COVID How do I finish that? Diagnosis. Be outside. Sorry, recreate that sentence. Be inside. Okay, do podcast.

How many days after COVID do I go back? Yeah, you just self-isolate at home for 10 days. after COVID and I go back. Yeah. I need to self-isolate at home for 10 days. All right. Okay. All right. So fuck you.

I was just surprised. Get the fuck out of here. This is my podcast now. Hello. Welcome. To Beter Talk. I'm just joking. Hello.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Dave's your guest. Oh my god, okay. So, Dave. Thanks for being on my show. It's a pleasure to be here. I'm a big fan. Shh.

So, we've heard on the blogs. I don't know. We've heard on the blogs. I thought it was going somewhere. Yeah, I was hoping. So, what's it like being an asshole? I gotta be honest? I rest easy at night.

That's so funny and do you like that um no one trusts you do I like it I get off on it man

is that why you have a boner right now that's absolutely why I have a boner right now absolutely why i have a boner right now normally i can't explain them this one i can explain oh my god i'm boiling well i think that might be from the COVID. I'm actually very comfortable. No, no. Well, fuck. Okay, I'll take over the rest.

Yeah, you did great. Yeah, that was great. A little taste of the beta podcast. Would you ever host a podcast? I would love to. Why don't you do it? I don't think there are enough podcasts in the world. That's true. That is true.

Why don't you do it? I don't think there are enough podcasts in the world. That's true. That is true. I get on my Instagram in my like suggestion page, whatever, for you page. There's so many like just clips from podcasts. And these are shows I've never heard of. I feel like there's way more podcasts now. They all have 10 times the listenership we do.

And they all, from episode one, started in a fancy studio. And they're a video show as well. Oh, yeah. Now they're all doing video. I've seen them on the opposite extremes, where it looks like a beautiful, professional studio. Or it's two guys sitting on a couch, each holding a microphone. Yeah. Which was our style for a long time.

That's how we started this thing out. Family style. I don't want to do video. No, I don't want to do video anything. I think I'd be pissed off. Like now I have to worry about that. Yeah. Yeah.

I got to make little clips for people to see. I know. Do people want to watch the whole show? Like sit down at their computer and watch it? I think they do. They must. Yeah. But the weird thing about the YouTube,

like if you go open another page, YouTube stops. No. If you're listening to it and then you add another page. It depends how you. Maybe I don't have autoplay or something. Well, if you. Yeah, there's different ways. Yeah. I just want to listen to the background.

They get nothing out of watching. No. I mean, I want people to enjoy podcasts the way they did in the old days. On the bus with a giant Beats by Dre speaker. Yeah. On Spotify, they even play video of podcasts. They do?

Mm-hmm. Holy shit. Well, even play video like uh of podcasts they do holy shit um well but i i like to pretend what people look like in my head and sometimes then i see it and it really doesn't gel with what's in my head so i just go back to pretending that they look like yeah what in my head beta what do you look like like um you're the worst nightmare. Hello. Okay, okay, all right. Do you also hate putting videos online if you're doing stand-up? Or are you fine with that? Um.

I'm sorry to throw you such a hard question. No, I don't hate that, but I... Sorry. Graham? Yes. When you booked this show, did she know what she was in for? Because we're being very hard on her. I'm having a meltdown. I'm going to go on a tirade.

I can't wait. Um, sorry. What was the question? Uh, striking from the record, your honor. Who cares? Yeah. You know, no, I do put, well, I was like for a while putting clips up on TikTok, but it felt so demoralizing. Yeah.

No one likes it. So I just stopped. I never stopped. I work at a radio station on the weekends and I, you have to put, not, not you have to, but you're kind of supposed to put up like a social media tech talk or Instagram story about whatever's happened that weeknight. And mine are so consistently low compared to everybody else at the stations.

Almost the exact same number every time I do it. And it's poor numbers and I don't know what I've done to the algorithm to like piss it off. On their TikTok? On their TikTok, yeah.

Oh. Yeah. What do you know about that? Are you like, hey everybody. Yeah. Ra-ta-ta-ta. What do you know about that? Are you like, hey, everybody. Yeah. I don't know anything about TikTok. No?

She doesn't know and she doesn't want to know. No, I should, though. Do you? Yeah, I know everything about it. Ask me my password. I mean, oh, shit. No, I'm not on TikTok, I'm afraid. Really get sucked into it.

I kind of thought it would go away and it hasn't, and now I feel like the fool. It's the future. I posted a video once on there, and I got a bunch of mean comments. Yeah, that's the other thing that I'm not, I don't love opening myself up to mean comments. No. I've had people post videos of me on YouTube that I

did not ask them to put up and then mean comments. Yeah. No, like the video. It's like somebody took the video and put it up and then then mean comments and then mean comments. Yeah. Mean comments to follow. What kind of things? This guy's so fat. This guy sounds like this guy. This guy ripped off this thing. Yeah. Lots of that. Juvenile.

Graham did this his like seven words you can't say on TV. Yeah. That's probably why they thought that.

What would even be the list now? What can't you say in the seven words? Cunt. Okay. There you go.

Thumbs up swinging. I think that's maybe all. I think you can't say cocksucker. You can't say, but you can say cock. I think you can say cock. That's crazy. Why? I don't know, because it's also a rooster maybe.

Oh, right. You get around that. But a cocksucker is like, nobody sucks on a rooster. Get it? What are you going to suck on a rooster? Suck on a rooster maybe oh right you get around that but a cocksucker is like nobody sucks on a rooster also just just like to let you know it's been like way over 10 days it's been like way over 10 days okay when yeah like what i originally thought like six months hasn't been six months but it's been like 15 days okay you should have your smell back no yeah well now you're acting like you don't want it to like i'm your parents annoying you i don't want that smell i but i asked you the other night if you if you could taste anything

you can still taste stuff I can taste but no don't you need your your snoot for that I think you need your snoot for a lot of it it's probably diminished

yeah like you have to eat more extreme things just to yeah that's why she's been going on her

hot pepper tour of Vancouver mmm do you like hot peppers I mean I don't hate them do you like mean, I don't hate them. Do you like spicy food? I don't hate spicy food.

Do you like spicy food? I'm Irish palate. Yeah, but I like it. I don't like it. I like it. It feels like pain to me. I actually try to impress people. With how spicy you can handle?

Yeah, no one is ever noticing. You don't make a big show of it? Where do you, like, is it like Indian food or Mexican food or wings? This taco place, I'll be like, give me the hottest salsa. Oh, nice. And then I'll regret it. Oh, nice. And then I'll regret it. Oh, really? Yeah, I ate at a Mexican place

a couple of weeks ago and everything was so spicy and then when I left I felt like I was high. I was all dizzy and my eyes weren't focusing right and I was like, is this? Did you like that?

No, I hated it. Oh. And my mouth was on fire too. And then, you know, other things caught fire. And you know how that goes. Your ass. Yeah, my ass. Eventually.

That's so sad how that has to happen. But it does. Yeah. There's no way around it. In Vancouver, I don't think you did stand upup, but now you do stand-up in Toronto. And it's funny, I've seen clips. You're very good at it. What?

Because you were improv here. And then why did you decide to do stand-up? Because Dave is losing his mind. Oh, am I? Why did I decide? Because it was like, I don't know. Excellent. I was sick of improv, I think.

Yeah. Yeah, and it gets you nothing and nowhere. That's true, that. Colin Mockery would disagree but he's probably the foremost improviser right? Maybe Yeah I guess. His head would be on the Mount Rushmore of improv

Yeah I mean with everyone else from Whose Line Is It Anyway Wasn't there a guy Del Close or something that invented it? Yeah So he's on there for sure. Ryan Stiles is on there for sure. Colin Mockery Drew Carey And that's it Yeah. Yeah. So he's on there for sure. Yeah. Ryan Stiles is on there for sure. Yeah. Sure. Drew Carey. Yeah.

And that's it. Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady. Take a Drew Carey, put a Wayne Brady. Okay. Sure. Wayne Brady hosts Let's Make a Deal. That's his like TV show. I've never seen it.

It's not. It's the same as any other. He's so good. naturally yeah also you are singing improvving i was just noticed like at that show that you're just so good at like being on stage i like to be on stage but you've you've seen the comments on his YouTube. Yeah, exactly. This guy's stealing Wayne Gritsky's. Wayne Brady's. Shut up. Wayne Brady's pit. Wayne Gritsky's pit.

This guy's stealing Wayne Gritsky's pit. Being good at hockey. Yeah, being really good at hockey. Do you remember ever seeing when Wayne Gritsky was on SNL? Yeah. Ew. I've only seen clips like when they would do like a SNL tribute to the sports.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds like it would be bad. The episode or the sketch I saw was Is it the Hawaiian hockey one?

Yeah, that's it. He also did a Wayne's World. Oh, he did? Yeah. That's pretty good. That actually sounds good. Is he Canadian?

Wayne Gretzky? Yeah, hell yeah um yeah canadian girls kick ass does that used to be my only t-shirt yeah this is a popular sticker sticker nice nice yeah it's fun it's fun that we make that part of our identity always. I love saying I'm from Canada when I'm in America. Just to get the reactions? I'll just say it a lot. As a Canadian. Dave, what's going on with you, my friend? Whoa.

She's had COVID, we know that. She's had COVID. She's got cockroaches. Yeah, she's got COVID's had COVID, we know that. She's had COVID. Cockroaches. Yeah, she's got COVID and cockroaches and she does stand-up comedy. And she loves it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and she's having a breakdown.

She's having a breakdown. Every time I come on this show. Breakdown time? Yeah. Did you like it better on Zoom? Yeah, I did. Well. I don't like this.

You know what? You go upstairs. Go upstairs and Zoom. I don't like this you know what you go upstairs go upstairs and zoom i don't like hearing you guys so clearly and i feel like dave and i have um like uh antagonistic energy i don't feel that way today oh neither do i i have that with some guests sometimes I'm just I'm just joking also yeah we're just having fun but I seriously

don't like it well do you want to go no no okay sorry go on

yeah what's going on with me oh my god I was hoping Bita would take up a lot more time I'm so sorry I not much going on with me? Oh my god, I was hoping Bita would take up a lot more time. I'm so sorry.

Not much going on with me these days. But, because I got back from my trip last week and we talked all about the trip. Did you eat any weird candies while you were away? Oh yeah, you were away. I was in Sweden and Denmark. Did I eat any weird candies? No, just the same weird

candies I always eat. Right. Which are corn nuts covered in chocolate. And then isn't there one called like sploots or something? There is a spunk bar. Spunk bar. There is, um,

there's, uh, a spooge bar. Spooge bar. There's a nut bar. There's jizz wad. Are Swedish berries just called berries over there? Yeah, Swedish berries and Swedish fish are just called

berries and fish. I did eat a herring. Really? Yeah, which I had to like. No. Did you take a bite and then go, mmm, and then spit it in a napkin?

No, but it was a meal with um uh potatoes and sour cream and i was like let's just cover everything in sour cream and get a mouthful of potatoes at the same time uh like do they leave the bones in or something isn't there something weird about yeah it was uh they left the bones in and I ate it like Heathcliff. No, it was just weird fish. New fish for me. Oh, new fish. Yeah. Have you had?

I don't know. I'm allergic to fish. I've never had any of it. I don't know. I've been to, yeah, I've been to Swedish Christmas and not eaten the the fish that was the herring that was there uh but this time it was like well this is the swedish christmas it was like well there's 10 things you can eat yeah and here it was like this is our meal yeah this fish there you go i don't i don't know what does it taste like on a scale of fish is it like tasty is it weird yeah it's weird it's weird. It's weird. Okay. It's fishy.

Yeah. Do you not like that? I don't like it to taste too much like fish. Hmm. So maybe you shouldn't eat fish. Yeah, that's true. Do you like fish? I love fish.

Yeah. What's your favorite? Um. Oh, God. I'm not like, I feel like I'm being like, I like, um, asking curveball. Tuna is good. Do you like it in sushi or do you like it all cooked up? I like it in, um, sushi.

Now here's maybe a very stupid question, but, um, you like, they kind of have steaks of salmon or tuna or whatever. Uh-huh. Ooh. When you eat that, is it, like, does it have the texture of a steak or is it just very. No, a steak just means it's like a big piece of meat. Oh. But it doesn't have the same kind of chew? No.

What kind of chew does fish have? It flakes off. Okay. Flake off. Oh, unless it's raw. That's true. Okay, okay. One time I went on a date.

Okay. And we went to a sushi place and it was his idea to go there. And then I got like, I got like sushi. He got something cooked, some cooked chicken. And then when, and then when my sushi came, he was like, you eat raw fish. He was like weirded out. You failed the first test. But he brought me to a sushi place.

Was he six years old? No. He got these chicken fingers and fries. Oh, it killed me. wow yeah that's that was a sting operation yeah was there um uh was there a second date no is dinner like a good first date thing or is it better to just like get one thing that takes 10 minutes yeah yeah that's right you know drive through coffee driving two different cars two different cars what'd you get a vanilla latte weird yeah gross you drink coffee aren't you awake already yeah um oh what nothing what i just saw this and it just made me make a weird noise it was oh for the listeners i'm not gonna tell you what she's describing wait you know like um for so long when dave would go like that's that's

spy pod i just thought he was being like a brat i didn't know they like correlated to anything but you were just like showing tood yeah i mean that is my curse is people think i'm just being a brat when i'm just trying to find out what kind of fish they like no you're all right thanks um the uh yeah fish right yeah you know what i've been speaking of coffee you know what i've been making a lot is affogatos oh that's delectable not avocados after coddles uh no it is avocados i've been making a lot is affogatos. Ooh, that's delectable. Not avocados, offtocatos. No, it is avocados. I've been making avocados. Nice, good for you.

Yeah, I've been carving them. For Halloween. No, it's vanilla ice cream. I guess it should be gelato with coffee. Ooh. Does the coffee also have to be cold or does it just turn into a soup? Oh, it's hot coffee. Hot coffee?

It's like we have an espresso machine and I have the espresso come out. Well, I have a separate cup I use to pour it into there. And then I pour that over the ice cream. But I've formed like a little cup inside the cup to like handle the coffee. Beautiful. Do you ever make espresso martinis? No. You should.

Do it. Yeah. And then tell me. Have you had one? I mean, I've had. I've had. You've never had? I've never had.

They're so good. They were like the hottest thing. In the 90s. No, I think in the last year or two. Oh. what does it taste like why is it so good does it taste like coffee it just tastes like coffee but it's but it's but it's but it's good what's in a i'm gonna taste my coffee gets you drunk google the recipe uh because it's like a martini is a vermouthmouth. Vermouth and vodka or gin. Yeah.

And a espresso. Is it espresso or expresso? Espresso. Are you sure? Yeah. I used to work at a coffee shop. We used to roast the fuck out of people who said expresso. Do you work at a Starbucks?

I used to work at JJ Bean. Oh, JJ Bean. Yeah. Yeah. It is. My God. You know, when you look up a recipe and they have to have five paragraphs. Vodka.

Yeah. Coffee liqueur. Uh-huh. So Kahlua. And then espresso. And simple syrup. Garnish with coffee beans. Yeah.

It's really good. Do you remember in the 90s, coffee, like... Oh, my God. Sorry. What? Go on, go on. No, no. Tell us, please.

Do you guys hate having me here? No, this is great. Do we sound like we hate it? Because every time you talk, we're like, what is it? We're hanging on your every word, Peeta. No, no. I just was rudely scrolling. And just because we, look.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's all the Who's Lined boys. Yeah. Ways you can describe your motorcycle, but not your girlfriend. It's small. Fuel injected engine. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. How would you say? Oh, yeah. This is a good prompt for us. Bita has all the answers, though. Yeah. Ways you can describe your motorcycle, but not your girlfriend. It has two wheels.

There's a biker on top of her. Oh, my God. Okay. What about me? has two wheels. There's a biker on top of her. Oh my god! Okay, what about me? She needs to get her oil changed. Wait, are you supposed to say which are in common or which is not in common? You describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend. Not my girlfriend.

Do you want to know what Colin Mockery said? Yes, please. It's okay if you don't mind the bugs in your girlfriend. Not my girlfriend. Do you want to know what Colin Mochrie said? Yes please. It's okay if you don't mind the bugs in your teeth. What? That's stupid. I mean I definitely

wouldn't say that about my girlfriend. We're taking her or him off the improv. Yeah. And we're going to put their Greg Proops

is going on. Poops. Poops. Poops. If you remember the 90s when coffee people like discovered were like Starbucks

it started existing and people were made a big deal about lattes and yeah. And I'm like I'm not going to order I'm not going to say tall

I'm not going to say grunt. You were like that? No, no. I didn't. You know those people who are like just just give me I don't care about your mocha, schmocha, just give me a regular coffee.

Like, what's that? So just order a coffee. No, no, but like, what's that type of guy? And like, how do you say that properly? I know what you mean. Cause there was guys that would come in and they'd just be like ornery. Cup of Joe. Yeah.

And it was like, okay. Some Java juice. Like he just wanted drip coffee. I was like, yeah, we have that. Here you go. Here's, but you'd be like, I don't want an Americano. I don't want any kind of latte. And it's like, well, what do you like?

Cinnamon bun. Scone. Scone. Yeah. But I remember at the time there were like chocolate covered coffee beans as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I used to fuck those up. Really? Yeah. That sounds disgusting to me. And I eat chocolate covered corn nuts. No, they're not bad. But I used to, okay, I used, because at work we sold them, so I just used to eat handfuls of them. Just be up all night.

My vision would like go blurry. Well, that's the thing about the espresso martinis. It feels like I don't want to have. Just have one. But I don't want to have coffee in the martini hour. Okay, wait. But alcohol is a downer. Yeah.

So you're just leveling. Right. You guys should have one tonight. Okay. Do, do, do, do, do. All right. I got time. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Also, when I went to the Starbucks like a week ago, there was a guy who clearly was in there every day and had like a huge procedure that created quite a line. Oh, God. Where he like needed to have cream put into a separate cup so that he could pour it in and stir it. But he's doing all this at the counter. He's not like, oh, go do it over there. And he wears a hat like Heisenberg in Breaking Bad.

Uh-huh. A fedora. Yeah. And then a vest and then shorts. Oh. Yeah. Style icon. Yeah, style icon.

Yes. I don't order, I don't go to Starbucks very much. And so when I do, I feel like I'm that guy just because I forget which size is which. I'm like, I want the medium one, but I don't want to say the wrong thing. Yeah. Because they all sound big. Yeah. Tall.

Yeah. Tall sounds big. And Fenty sounds big. Grande. Yeah. You can remember it by saying grande. Grande. Yeah. Just can remember it by saying Grande. Yeah. Just remember to say Grande.

But tall is the smallest one? Yeah. Tall, small, Grande. Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande. The bigger than her. Yeah, she's kind of mid. What?

But she's like, yeah, she's not the biggest star, but she's not the smallest star. Exactly. Yeah. She's tiny. She does feel like she's like yeah she's not the biggest star but she's not the smallest star exactly yeah she's tiny she does feel like she's a tiny person yeah yeah

not as tiny as that guy she's whose marriage she broke up SpongeBob what? he plays SpongeBob

do you not know about this Graham? she's dating Tom Kinney? yep Tom Kinney the voice of SpongeBob for the last 30 years no no the guy who plays him on Broadway Do you not know about this, Graham? She's dating Tom Kinney? Yep. No. Tom Kinney, the voice of SpongeBob for the last 30 years. No.

No, the guy who plays him on Broadway. Oh, yeah. Tiny guy. I think about that. Did you guys see that he looks identical to her brother? Frankie Grande? Yeah. Yeah. You saw that?

You didn't even know this existed five seconds ago. No, but I didn't know that that guy was SpongeBob. Oh, okay. They did a thing on TMZ. She was with this person. She was cheating with this guy. Yeah that that guy was Spongebob. Oh, okay. They did a thing on TMZ, like, she was with this person, she was cheating with this guy. And there was a chain of them. So Hollywood. Yeah.

Is it? Or is it just... Is she the only one who does it? I don't know, but it seems pretty cool. It seems pretty cool. Yeah. So you ate some herring. I ate some herring.

Yeah. That was one of the Swedish things. And then, let's see, what else? This weekend I went, I took my kids to go see Disney's Haunted Mansion. Oh, yeah, yeah. Struggled at the box office. It's really, really struggled at the box office. And then when we went to the theater, it was us and one strange man. Oh, I haven't even heard of it.

It's based on the Disneyland ride. Never heard of that either. Have you ever been? Disneyland? Yeah. Well, it's one of the rides you could have gone on. But it cost a shitload of money to make and it's not even making it back. Well, yeah, because it costs a shitload of money to make, and it's not even making it back. Oh. Well, yeah, because it's a scary movie that they released in July. Oh, right.

That's true. Why did they do that? Yeah, I just think everybody felt like everybody will be in the theaters anyway. We'll just catch them as they're, remind them how it's nice to be in a theater. I wonder if it's because the strike, like none of the stars could promote it. Oh, yeah, that's probably a thing. Yeah. And then reviews were not good.

Oh, that helps too, yeah. But it wasn't terrible. No? I see bad movies. I've seen every, I see every kid's movie that comes out. What's the worst? The worst one in recent years. No. Little Foot. Which one was worst? The worst one in recent years.

Little Foot? Which one was that? I don't know. I just remember you hating it. Small Foot. Oh, Small Foot. Yeah, we left Small Foot early.

Elemental that came out this year was very bad. Oh, really? Yeah. It just feels like... Is it Pixar? Yeah. You want to know

the dirty little secret about Pixar? Yes, please. They're all bad. Oh, no. Oh, they are? Yeah. No. No. That can't be the secret. Because I used to... a little secret about pixar yes please yeah they're all bad oh no they are yeah no no that can't be the secret i used to i when i before i had kids i was like i don't need to see these

cartoon movies i'll see them when i have kids i remember that you saying that exactly and now i see them like these are not even there's i don't know why grownups see these things. Anyway, uh, direct any hate mail to, uh, yeah. Yeah. Um, but yeah, no,

actually I, I do like Pixar movies. I lied. They're good. Some of them. Yeah. Some of them are good, but it is the,

the, uh, we're making characters out of, uh, let's make a universe of, okay, well, let's do cups. Okay. Cups actually would be

Cups, but the cups are mad at the plates. Yeah, see, this is not bad. I'll give you a million dollars. Okay, but spoons can go in a bowl, but they can also stir stuff in a cup. Two million. So spoons are kind of like the uniting force. Three million.

That's good. Cool. Cool. Yeah. Anyway, see the movie about the Haunted Mansion. Yeah. Sorry, Danny DeVito? Danny DeVito's in there.

You know, Keith Stanfield. Oh, wow. Rosario Dawson. Holy crap. This is star studded. It's crazy that I haven't heard of it. Jamie Lee Curtis.

What? But I think it is. It's because they haven't been able to like go online and do interviews or anything about it. Right.

Because I think like Barbie was just before everything happened. But you want, you're like, I want to go on James Corden. I want to talk to that guy. Yeah, yeah.

You can't. I read a news story that Kevin Smith got a waiver to go make a movie. Oh, yeah. Some people can. Why would you? Why wouldn't you just stand with your fellow directors? Like all the a24 movies yeah a24 they they've signed a thing saying like they will just adhere to whatever what they're

asking for yeah right yeah i guess it shows the bigger companies that um it's possible because a24 is quite small compared to netflix okay yeah i think a bloom house maybe would you be able to oh it depends if they if they did the same thing i don't know look i'm not gonna go uh by production company yeah apparently kevin smith got some kind of waiver yeah i just i saw an interview with bob odin kirk and he was like, they were like, what about the waivers? He's like, no, we're all in the same boat. He says, he's like, it sucks, but we shouldn't be doing anything. Well, I'm not doing, I'm not making any movies. Dave's paused his movie making, he's going to make a remake of A Miracle Werewolf in London.

Boy, I probably, I guess I'm not a member of the guild. So I guess it's not a problem that I came up with the cups versus plates movie but I'm gonna feed it into AI and see what comes out oh no don't do it

you're gonna get so many people mad at us oh no yeah so yeah that's what's going on with me

nothing what's up with you also nothing no come on I'm telling you we need it we beat it this week she's giving us nothing

hey rude she's giving it her all I'm going like this yeah I liked it when you hosted okay go back to hosting

Graham yeah oh do Graham yeah you really tore me a new one yeah thanks for having me by the way to when you host it okay go back to hosting graham yeah oh do graham yeah because you you really tore me a new one yeah um thanks for having me by the way okay talk when i tell you to no no sorry i shouldn't have said that um i'm still gonna wait okay um so tell me about how you thumbs up yeah um have um Tell me about how you have, I don't know. I don't know.

But like, why did you stop doing improv? Okay, hold on. I can do it. I can do it. so um uh graham so the press is talking about how um so we hear you're sick of all the rumors yeah i am i'm sick of all about your gigantic ass yeah people are saying that i got de-assed that they took a bunch of fat out of my butt. But I just, underwear, it's just control underwear. I didn't have surgery on my ass. Okay.

Yeah, why did you get that control underwear? No reason. Because it's comfortable, that's all. Okay. Were you like, was your ass out of control? No. No, my ass is the same size it always has been. No, I'm not talking about size.

I'm talking about being out of control. Oh, yeah. Being chaotic. Oh, being chaotic. No, my butt is not like that. And so there. I won't. All right.

I won't confirm those rumors. Well, next up, folks, we have a song by Dave Matthews. You've got your butt. You've got your cheeks. You've got your cheeks. Oh, God. That was good. That was good. No, that was really good.

Good for you. A couple weeks ago. Yeah. We had a guest named Jen Kirkman. Uh-huh. And she and I discussed very briefly on the podcast, Just Like That, the Sex and the City. Oh, yes. Just Like That.

I love that. So then I, I wasn't watching it. And then she sent me a message and said like, have you watched it? Have you got up to speed yet? So now I'm, I've been plowing through them trying to get up to the most recent.

that's nice. Is it all. What? What season are you on? Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh,

I haven't watched the most recent one. Have you? Most recent episode of the season. Of the most recent one have you most recent episode of the season of this uh most okay the most the most recent episode of this season yeah yeah yeah no i'm you watch the one where aiden no but i've seen a commercial so i know that he shows okay okay okay which is uh i don't know man it's so funny he shows funny. He shows up with a jacket and his waist is snatched. He's like, I don't know why he has such a tight belt around his waist. And he keeps talking about how he lost 20 pounds.

It's so weird. That is weird. Are you sure it's not control um that is weird um yeah are you sure it's not control underwear oh ooh hmm

now here's the thing that they've done on the show they've slowly introduced other characters that aren't part of the core

of the original show yeah there's the three women there's J. Diaz J. and then there's uh

Vid Vidge Vididge i cannot remember any of there's the real estate agent that carries real estate agent oh sema sema thank you sema uh and then there's mario canton mario canton he's there he's always there yeah he's always there and then there's a woman who was mir's. Yeah. The bald guy's there. He's in it. Miranda's teacher or Dean of the school or something. Yeah. Yeah.

And then look it up. This is the thing that I feel is unforgivable is sometimes they do scenes with just them in it without the three. Yeah. No, no, no. We did not sign up. We don't care about them. Yeah. We only care about them no, no, no, we did not sign up for that. We don't care about them. Yeah, we only care about them in the context

of the ladies we love. I disagree. I want a, I want a, a spinoff of just them, the people I've just learned about.

Then you should watch this show. Oh, okay. I feel like Che could have a spinoff. Yeah. Oh my God, Che is so funny.

Like when they do their closing jokes. And it's like, it's like, I don't even know. It's like, I'll tell you what. No, it is because she, this is literally one of the closing jokes. She's at the comedy store. And she says like, yeah, you know, people don't walk anywhere here. I took an Uber from my kitchen to the living room. That was their closer.

Good night, everybody. That was their closer. Oh my God. Yes. Yeah. They haven't, they didn't bother to figure out how comedy works. So they just stuck with what they know. It's so funny. But you know, sometimes you'll sometimes you that's what you'll close on that yeah i mean i close on that yeah you try to close on your best joke

nobody walks anywhere here i took an uber a deal off that yeah yeah this is good and there's uh Che gets a shot at having a sitcom and the person who's playing her

his their dad sorry is a Tony Danza so Tony Danza is in the show for a while yeah and he looks

great he looks great is he zaddy he's zaddy he is zaddy yeah and I did I use that right I think so i i forgot how charming he was

like i because he was always famous he was just like in things but he wasn't not funny but he wasn't not funny tony danza not funny okay um have you ever seen who's the boss have you ever seen even the like opening credits the opening credits are hilarious yeah he pulls the sweater off the kid and puts it inside out and puts it right back on him in two seconds there were times oh lost a dream oh my god okay wait wait I think I lost you found a trail at the end was you and the simpsons and the simpsons were there

and they totally choices up to you my friend so so so brand new life was you yeah that's right at the end was you found a trail at the end was you yeah i had a trial at the end of the year that was the verse ago okay so anyways i'm working on that that's a big project did you hear that there's a well

anything no no no it's already been announced our girl samantha is making an appearance yes yeah i've heard that has that not happened yet no no no but uh they did a tricky thing in the previous season where uh yes harry's like texting with her do you know she's like let's meet tomorrow and then it flashes forward to like a week later and you're like oh yeah i'm in with her but even just seeing her talk on text was like I was like oh my god did you do a sexy pun?

no but it was just like I miss her yeah they've they've uh ratcheted up the sex part in this second season

I feel like the first season was just like tragedy after tragedy um yeah cause Big died having sex with his peloton. Yeah. There's no one like,

there's no one there to like be disgusting. I guess they did say like, cum guzzler. Yeah. Cum guzzler. Last episode or something. That's what they call Charlotte, your cum guzzler.

Okay, that's one of the words you can say on TV now. But I miss, yeah, I miss like... But you can't say cocksucker, Graham? You could say it on HBO. HBO, you could say it on, yeah. Because cum and guzzler are words that you can do on their own, so together it's fine. Yeah. Yeah, well, they try to make sema sema they try to make sema the new yeah no no you say now i say no you know samantha's 10 years older than the rest of them

yeah so no wonder she doesn't want to come back. She doesn't want to be in a situation. Even for one second. Which is the same. Yeah. Yeah. So I've been working on that. And then just recently, within the last two weeks. Wait, wait. She wants to finish the Who's the Boss theme.

Oh, yeah. In a place, in a place, in a something, something, something, something, something. At the end, at the end, at the end was you. Good. Okay. That was pretty good. And their van. And then him playing baseball.

There's a montage of that. I'm in a Facebook group with a bunch of other Graham Clarks. What? We always check on each other a couple times a year. Are there any other Beetlejuicies? I've killed them all. Nice. Excellent.

Actually, I met a few Beetles and they've all been evil. Really? Yeah, but go on. Okay. This group, we just check in on when everybody doing okay yeah there's a couple of news stories every now and then about people named graham clark wasn't there like a hacker a hacker yeah crypto hacker in the group you guys should get him in we that was the last time no we talked once since then but that was the big talk like holy shit this guy's blowing up like all my google

alerts wow yeah so we. So we didn't, we didn't take kindly to this. Are you the most famous Graham Clark in the group? Well, that's what I was going to say is there's the, the hacker guy is probably the most famous. And then second most famous is an opera singer from England. Wow.

And he just passed away. Oh, all right. Just passed. Yeah. No, in the group. No, but he group. No,

but he was, he was one of, it seems like you guys don't have any exciting people in the group. No, we're just Graham Clarks. There's no, that's the only barrier to entry. You don't have to be a notable Graham Clark.

You can just be Graham Clark. I did see that the name Graham was trending on Twitter the other day. I didn't click on it though, because I thought maybe you were dead. Oh, no. R.I.P. man. on it though, because I thought maybe you were dead. Oh no. RIP man. But it turns out it was the opera singer.

Yeah. Opera singer passed away. That wouldn't have been trending on Twitter. Maybe. But yeah, so he's, he's gone. There's one last Graham Clark in the world.

That's sad. Yeah. There's a violinist who's still with us and the hacker still with us. I think he's's sad. Yeah. There's a violinist who's still with us and the hacker's still with us. I think he's in prison. Oh. And there's a soccer player

who's not of any real prominence and then there's a character from I think an Australian soap opera that's named Graham Park. Oh. Yeah. I think those are the bigs. Those are cool.

Is the soap opera Didgeridoos of Our Lives? Like the Sand Through an Hourglass. I would consider it maybe Didgeridays of Our Lives. Didgeridays of Our Lives! That's good. Yeah. Roll it back. Yeah.

So Yeah. Roll it back. Yeah. So. So you're in this group and a guy died. Yeah. Is that the big news? That's basically the big news. Yeah. But did anyone else, do you participate or you just see them like, oh, the group's blowing up today. Do you ever like talk to anyone?

Yeah. I always throw in my two cents. Oh, really? I feel like I know what all of them do or I did know what all of them did for livings. A lot of them are in England. There's like an extreme heavy metal

guy. He's part of the group. That's cool. What do they do for a living in England? I'm a builder. I'm a builder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a builder. I'm a train. Chimney sweep and rounding out the top four jobs in Britain. Oh. Bricklayer.

Yeah. Bricklayer. Yeah. From Brixton. I'm a Brixton bricklayer. Could be. Could be something. Yeah. This is character. Guys. Look. We're having fun. could be could be something yeah sure some character guys look what

we're having fun yeah we're having fun we're just feeling silly yeah we're overly silly today which is great um

world could use a bit more silly now that Graham Clark the opera singer is the part of it oh no yeah he was known as the silly opera singer

he would all do the silliest operas yeah he would do uh fart silly opera singer he would all do the silliest operas yeah he would do fart noises he'd do it to he'd go like this behind someone yeah he'd do rabbit ears behind someone's head when they were doing an aria

I think he actually what like the picture of him being in one of the operas he is wearing like a seriously funny like big round I bet I'd love I'm making fun of him being in one of the operas, he is wearing a seriously funny big round... Damn it, I bet I'd love... I'm making fun of him, but I bet I'd love him. I love operas so much. He's the best picture of any Graham Clark, is him doing this wacky promo shot. Yeah.

Do you have any promo shots? What are these questions? Do you like opera? I don't know. You don't... What are these questions do you like opera I don't know you don't what are these questions you're right I'll change the topic

do you have any promo shots used to be you would have to go get headshots and you had to pay to have them developed and now

either people have have a professional person take it or they just take a picture that somebody took of them on stage and that's oh you mean for stand-up yeah oh what did you think i don't know you know in your capacity as a visiting daughter brand

um i have uh yeah i i have um some shots of me with like a rubber chicken do you really not sitting on a toilet oh you do not although i have seen in my in my time as a comedian i've seen more than once the rubber chicken yeah in a headshot why is that it's it's like yeah why is that funny yeah i don't know it's culturally is uh google it significant about rubber chicken i don't know because i i we had one when i was a kid because i was like hey it's a funny thing yeah yeah yeah this is comedy as i understand it yeah i don't know why but um what do you got over there okay it's not the rubber chicken could have been a variation on a slapstick a hinged wooden device that comedians would use to produce a loud slap slapstick comedy comes from a

slap from slapping a stick what the hell what's your what's your source on that should we all quit well I'm definitely quitting my slapstick oh wait wait wait what is the source of this what is this website um

fake news dot com fake rubber chicken facts dot com I saw this video of oh oh wait wait wait I have a better answer damn it

okay hold on I lost it I lost it okay no now I'm not gonna tell my story okay gonna tell your story tell your story i saw this oh wait wait wait okay okay i found it it's suspected that the relative abundance of dead chickens in medieval times have contributed to their, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait. It says medieval times. And then in brackets, okay, wait,

medieval times. We're waiting. We are waiting. Medieval times is, um, both without capitals. Okay. Okay.

So it's not the restaurant. And then, and then in brackets, it says different from medieval times with capital M. Does that mean anything to you guys? Medieval times the restaurant, isn't it? Why would they have to clarify that? Because this is fakebroberchickenbacks.com.

Okay, okay. So it may have contributed to their use as a humorous thing to be flung. What? When CBC, the Royal Canadian Air Force, would do the chicken cannon, what would they shoot out of it? Rubber chickens? Or like feathers? No, they would do a thing like this.

Yeah, like spaghetti. But why was it called the chicken cannon? I don't know. Like they would do it, whatever a newsworthy thing of like, Oh, it's a Barbie Barbenheimer week. So we're going to shoot a bunch of pink glitter of it.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if that had chicken in it, but maybe that was the original thing was shooting a chicken at a target. Maybe I saw this video. You're not going to interrupt me this time. And it was of a, a guy it was i don't think it was a game show i think it was just like someone doing like an at-home kind of prank or playing a game where a guy had a belt and he was blindfolded and he was

trying to hit another guy in the room oh my god and. Oh yes, I saw that. And the guy had rubber chickens that squeaked like taped to his feet. So if he took a step, it would squeak and the guy would be able to figure out where he is and hit him with the belt. And then he also had harmonica like attached to his mouth.

So he couldn't even like breathe. Yeah, I wonder what. That's funny couldn't even like breathe. Yeah. I wonder what. That's funny. It was very funny. Yeah. What, what,

what was that again? A video on my phone. Oh, okay. On the video. Second of the rubber chicken facts.com. Um, my favorite prop based headshot that I ever saw was a guy in Seattle and he had two Mr.

T's in his hand, like a small one and a big one, but the heads were switched. I was like, this is good. This guy rules. What does it have to do with his ass? I never saw him.

It's just like a good headshot on the wall. Um, yeah, I could stare at headshots forever. I honestly, I could. Is that why you chose to work in comedy clubs? Yeah. Good. A steady dose of headshots. Oh my God. Yeah. I could stare at headshots forever. I honestly, I could. Really? Is that why you chose to work in comedy clubs? Yeah.

Good. A steady dose of headshots. Oh my God. Yeah. Headshots. What was, are your, is your headshot on any comedy club walls?

Yeah. There's one. Somebody just sent me one from Winnipeg. It was in the, in the yuck yucks there, which was weird. Oh. But yeah, I think I was in the Victoria yuck yucks.

I think maybe I was in the London, Ontario. That can't be right. Ooh. Yeah. The big sites. But you used to have to go and get them developed. Now you just email. Yeah.

But you'd have to bring one with you to the show so they could put it in the sign or whatever oh yeah and then could you take it back uh yeah that's a good question or maybe they would get you to sign it they put it up on the wall but it would be harsh if you were like somebody who worked there all the time and your headshot never got up on the wall. That would be painful. Yeah, it would. There's a comedy club in Winnipeg that I love called Rumors. They have an

old, old, old, old headshot from Jerry Seinfeld. From the kind of late 70s, early 80s. It's awesome. They could sell that. Yeah, I'll steal it and sell it. See what I bring back. Cool.

I wish I knew what that guy with the two Mr. T's. What his whole deal was? Yeah. Maybe it's a prop comic. Maybe that was something. Ooh. Oh. Mm-hmm.

I feel like your vibe today is like, oh, I have an idea. No, I'm not going to share it. No, no. So have you guys ever done prop comedy? A variation. I did a whole thing about reading the phone book, which was a prop. Yes, that's true.

Yeah. And for me, no. And for you, no. You? Have you ever done any prop work? I once did like a sketch where I had like... No, no. I once did like a sketch where I had like... I'm very disappointed in you. But like it's not, I mean, with the like cutting me off when you're looking at your phone, that was like you thought it out. This time it was like, no, you just reconsidered.

I was waiting for you to cut me off. Okay, wait, let me try some prop comedy right now. Okay, this is for the listener. She's got a pen. She's pretending to write and making a goony face. Maybe I do want to watch a podcast. No, you guys should have filmed that. Yeah, that would have been good.

Is it still funny? I just did it twice. It's actually even funnier the second time. I find it funny. Okay, what about this? What about this? Are you going to take a different pen. Okay, wait, wait.

Hold on, hold on. You've got things you can grab. You've got a phone. You've got a glass. You've got a packet of candy. This is too much pressure. You're putting it on yourself. She's using a phone as a phone.

Same expression as the pen. Pretending to talk on it. Oh, my God. same expression as the man pretending to talk on it oh my god oh boy well let's move on to some overheards how about

some business that noise that we just made there those words means it's time for business and the only business there was also a noise there was like a tink, tink,

tink. Oh, yeah, yeah. That noise means that we've got a little business to take care of in the matter of a Jumbotron. If you never heard the show before, Jumbotron is you can send a message to a loved one,

not an enemy, but like maybe somebody that you're trying to get closer to. We've gotten an enemy before. Yeah. Didn't we get a fuck you or like a drop dead? Oh, my God. Don't send us drop deads. It's bad.

It's bad karma. But it's funny. And it is funny. You're right. Yeah, it's funny. Now, this is for somebody named Isabel. Isabel. Isabel. Isabel. She's invisible.

Isabel from Mike. You want to read? I'll read it. Happy anniversary is thanks for sharing years of laughs and this silly podcast with me. You're a great partner, a super cool mom, and an above

average gardener. There's a lot to celebrate. I love you. Yeah, that's sweet as hell. That's so nice. Yeah, I hope you have a very, very happy birthday. We don't celebrate. We don't celebrate enough.

We don't realize the things in our lives we can celebrate. Yeah. Just waking up in the morning. Yeah. Doing a little dance after you wake up. Waking up. Oh, God. Oh, what's this gift on my face? Oh, it is a house centipede.

Oh. I celebrate you. I wake up and I'm upset. You're like, ah, not another one? Here we go again. Well, yeah, should we... Yeah, if anyone wants to do a jumbotron like that go to

maximumfun.org slash jumbotron should we move on to overheard you know i'm yucky jessica i'm chutz crudworth and this is terrible a podcast where we talk about things we hate that are awful today we're discussing Wonderful, a podcast on the Maximum Fun Network. Host Rachel and Griffin McElroy, a real-life married couple. Yuck! Discuss a wide range of topics.

Music, video games, poetry, snacks. But I hate all that stuff. I know you do, Yucky Jessica. It comes out every Wednesday, the worst day of the week, wherever you download your podcasts. For our next topic, we're talking Fiona, the baby hippo from the Cincinnati Zoo. I hate this little hippo. Hey, when you listen to podcasts, it really just comes down to whether or not you like the sound of everyone's voices. My voice is one of the sounds you'll hear on the podcast

Dr. Game Show. And this is the voice of co-host and fearless leader Joe Firestone. This is a podcast where we play games submitted by listeners and we play them with callers over Zoom we've never spoken to in our lives. So that is basically the concept of this show. Pretty chill. So take it or leave it, bucko. And here's what some of the listeners have to say. It's funny, wholesome, and it never fails to make me smile. I just started listening and I'm already binging it. I haven't laughed this hard in ages. I wish I discovered it sooner.

You can find Dr. Game Show on MaximumFun.org. Overheard. Overheard is a segment where you can hear things and they are automatic currency. And we want them here. We want all of your heard currency and things you've seen too. That qualifies. And we always like to start with the guest. Bita, do you have an overheard? Okay, so as you both know,

everything is meaningless and nothing matters. That's right, yes. Correct. I didn't know that. Graham knew that. I'm still learning that. So I'm not going to do an overheard.

I brought a tweet that I like. Oh, okay. All right. I want to make a new segment called Tweets, Beats, or Likes. Okay. Tweets, Beats, or Likes. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Now it's time for Tweets, Beats, or Likes. Yeah. You know when you hear that theme song, you know what time it is. Tweets, Beats, or Likes. Okay. So this is a tweet. She's delighted with this. are you delighted with the segment or the tweet from both okay so it's a screenshot of of somebody um with talking to their mom okay okay so

the okay so it says can't stop laughing at this text from my mom. And then, so the person asks, did you watch Dexter? And then the mom says, yes. It's crazy. That man is a serial killer. And that's it. When you said it was a screenshot of someone talking to their mom, I imagined two no and that's from very friendly that's their twitter name okay check out very friendly very friendly how long is this segment are there more that's all i got for you okay just that's

the only one tweets beat a like so the new segment here, quickly climbing the charts. Dave, do you have an overheard? Yeah. Last weekend, I went swimming by myself. Just did some laps. Oh, yeah. Okay. And in the- What stroke?

Breast. No breast. Back? I do back and freestyle. I feel like back's really, I don't like it. Really? Yeah, because I feel like I can't tell where I'm going. Right.

I'm staring up instead of. What do you mean? You're going straight. You're staring up. No, I know, but like, I just don't know when I'm going to hit the wall. There's usually like a little flag that hangs down. I'm too scared. At some point.

And you're like, oh, I'm getting close. Donk. usually like a little flag that hangs down too scary at some point and you're like oh i'm getting close i definitely like have that anxiety that i'm going to swing my arm back into the wall and smash up my fingers exactly but i know that won't happen until also i think that my like my breathing when i'm doing like a front crawl is very deliberate but then when i'm on my back i'm like am i breathing at the right? I am terrible at the back. Uh, like knowing how fast I'm going, like I'll totally just forget. Oh,

I forgot to kick. Why did it take me? Sometimes I can do this with like, I, I'm bored and I'm like just counting my strokes. Yeah. No, I made it in 20 strokes.

Oh, that time it took me 30 strokes. What went wrong? Oh, I forgot to kick. Yeah. Um, anyway. Yeah. You went swimming. i went swimming and in the change room afterwards there were two guys in their early 20s uh that were gonna i don't know they were changing and uh i just overheard one

of them say to the other uh four shekels is one american dollar and the other one goes, oh, that's crazy. Oh! That's crazy! That is crazy. I didn't know that there was a... I thought shekels was like just a term. I didn't know it was an actual... Oh, it's the Israeli currency. Still?

Yeah. Oh, wow. I think so. Okay. When I don't know like what to say, I just say, oh, that's crazy.

That's crazy. No, it's great. It's just like saying like, oh, yeah, Canadian dollar or American dollar. Canadian dollars were 76 American cents. Oh, that's crazy. That's crazy. It's just, you're just.

Not listening. It's just. Whoa, that's crazy. And then later I heard, I heard them say, one of them said, I haven't been to Zara in a few years. And the other one went, oh, Zara's sweet. Yeah, Zara's sweet. Is that a Canadian change, Zara? No.

It's Spanish. Isn't it from Spain? I think it's Spanish, yeah. I don't know. It's a clothing store? Yeah. It's not good. No, it's like kind of a little bit fancy H&M.

Yeah. Yes, yeah. But it's still not good um fast fashion yeah fast fashion not good in that sense right it's all at value village now for like as much as you pay oh for yeah no value village has gone into a very weird camp like the one that i go to doesn't have change rooms anymore. None of them do. They're nowhere? Not even in Ontario there are none too. So there's people just like disrobing

in the aisles and trying stuff on. Yeah, that's why I go there all the time to watch. Ooh. Do you have an overheard? I do. It was two kind of rough and tumble looking gentlemen. And one guy was two Kind of rough and tumble Looking gentlemen

And one guy was pointing At his chest And he said to the guy I got stabbed right there And then his friend said You're always getting stabbed Oh Those are good

You guys had really good ones But I also Don't have any tweets I like So I needed you Today You were carrying me Tweets Peter likes You sure you don't have Another tweets I like, so I needed you today. You were carrying me. Tweets, beta likes.

You sure you don't have another one that you like? Um, no. Okay. No, I'm sorry, I don't. Now we also have overheard sent in to us by people all over the map. You want to send one to us? You can send it to spy at maximum

fun dot org. And this first one comes from Allison F. She's in Connecticut. Okay. And she said, not sure if a billboard really counts. It does. Have you saw it? No. I don't think so. Maybe this should be in the segment. Billboards Allison likes.

Billboards Allison likes. She was she said segment billboards allison likes um she was uh you see that she saw it at least five or six times driving through connecticut and it was a woman like posing for a camera kind of arms crossed and she's very pregnant and the caption says eating for two fighting for you so it's a law firm for fighting for pregnant people or or served by that she's the pregnant person that oh yeah like she's the lawyer pregnant and pregnant lawyer yeah oh my god this is like the the doctor was a woman the whole time um yes yeah that's crazy yeah that's crazy yeah oh my god yeah no wait i have a she's on her phone i haven't i have another over overseen billboards billboards i can't find it it was like this ad for coffee and it was like, should I have coffee or should I kill myself?

Or something like that. I doubt that that's what it said very much. Starbucks, don't kill yourself. Text 208 for kill yourself. It was something like that. It was really funny oh um

that's crazy sorry you guys were looking at me so expectantly sorry we'll never look at you again this one comes from Paulette P

oh at the public swimming pool we were watching the kids jump off the diving board. One kid was watching the rest, cheering them on and rating their dives. He demanded that each diver announce what the name of their dive was before going.

The next kid yelled, Army style. He saluted, then walked off the board, diving in feet first. I overheard the judge say, Nice! We have the meats! Because apparently he heard Arby's style. That's cute. Well done, man.

We got the meats. It's a lot of swimming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't been. You told me like two years ago that there's an Arby's in Vancouver.

Oh, there. Yeah. In Tawasin. Yeah. And. Orange milkshakes. Yeah. Beige food.

Orange milkshakes. Yeah. Beakes beige food orange milkshakes brown beige food is my favorite food yeah i mean like christmas dinner is just beige food and it's my favorite it's true there isn't a lot of beige dinner is that um now is this a product you've come up with or is this a jingle for an existing product? Or are you spoofing Moon River? No, did you guys hear about girl dinner? Yes. What's girl dinner?

Girl dinner. Girl dinner. Girl dinner is, I believe it's like making get making a bunch of like dips and things and it's just weird dinners girls have yeah it's not like sitting down to have a meal it's like you know you get your nutrition but it's it's not cohesive yeah it's like a but from what i gathered it's like a yeah a big plate of semi-nutritious snacks. Yeah. I think that's mostly during the day.

That's how I eat. I just eat like one thing. I don't make anything. I just eat like a piece of celery or a banana. I don't make a shake or anything like that. Yeah. I make milkshakes every day. Yeah. That's from every day I have a big strawberry milkshake.

And then an affogato. An affogato. I did, well, it's because I was so jet lagged last week. I was,

um, and I needed that afternoon coffee and I was like, mmm, have a little treat. Yeah. That's so nice.

Make it fun for yourself. Yeah. Finally, something for me. This last one is from Steve in Glen Ellen, Illinois. My four-year-old nephew

was looking at pictures of him and his siblings on the shelf at my parents' house when I heard him say, why are we in these photos? We're not dead. Oh my god. That's what a kid thinks photos are. Why would you print out a photo of a living person?

Whoa. It's weird to think that there was many, many years where an entire family would have one photo for all of them to account for their entire life. It's still just as hard as a parent to get a family photo, though. Like to get your kids to pose with you and smile. Yeah. There's also the, what is it called? to pose with you and smile. Yeah.

There's also the, what is it called? It's got a specific name where people would pose with dead relatives propped up as if they were alive. Oh, let's get that back in the game. Yeah. That could be a cool Instagram account.

Yeah. People posing with dead people. Hell yeah, that sounds awesome. In addition to... That's crazy, man. That's crazy. Sorry, I cut you off. In addition to overheards that sounds awesome in addition to that's crazy man that's crazy sorry I cut you off in addition to overheards that are written in

we also accept your phone calls now this is what Bita was talking about before what? when she was talking about me saying the phone number she picked up our little framed picture frame that has the phone numbers on it if you want to call us

our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1. Like these people have. Bad attitude. Who, me?

Or you. No, because you said, ugh. Okay. Remember? Yeah, I guess I remember. Clonk. Let's see. How do I get this?

It comes up here. Blood sucker. Famed fucker. When you try like a goddamn vampire. Gong, gong, gong, gong, gong. Do your kids love her? Yeah. I heard that song on the radio today, and it goes, blood sucker, dream crusher.

Oh, that is good. Because you're not allowed to say fame fucker. Fame fucker is one of the seven words you can't say. There's cunt, cock sucker. Cock gobbler. Oh, yeah, cock gobbler. Cum guzzler. Oh, wait, no, you can say, okay, so fame fucker.

You're encouraged to say it, actually. It's a lot of sports-themed slogans. All right, phone calls. I just saw somebody's pants fall down like it was a cartoon. They were crossing the street in front of me and their pants fell down and they just yelled out, fuck! And kicked their pants off and kept walking and left their pants behind.

Oh, shit, just walked out of the pants. Yeah, okay. Mike in Grand Prairie, Alberta. Thanks, Mike. Oh my god, you need to have that person on the pod. That was the best thing I've ever heard. The caller or the person with the pants? The caller, the caller i love starting i love starting out with um that's so good as a person who uh almost had his pants uh down more than once in my life. Because the thing about summer is that you have to fit a lot of stuff into pants that are not,

like this is a drawstring short that I have, so that anything that I'm carrying extra is weighing down. I'm very conscious of where my pants are. Right. Oh, sure. Right. It's easier with a belt, but these strings, man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I can't try on any of them because Valley Village doesn't have fucking, you know? You won't buy new shorts. I refuse. Yeah. Who's the next phone call? Hey, guys. I was just driving through the streets of Watertown, Massachusetts. It's like outside Boston.

And I saw a dumpster on the side of the road and like they often do, they had the name of the company that the dumpster belongs to. And the name of the company was Orifice Recycling and Waste Disposal. Nice. No freaking way. What? Okay, wait.

I feel stupid. What does that mean? An orifice is like a hole. Yeah, like a human hole, right? Ooh. I don't know if it's just human, but like you wouldn't say, and now the man's lowering himself into the orifice. Would you? What? What are you talking about?

A spelunker or something like that? Oh. Going into a hole? Let's just look it up. Orifice definition. Orifice. An opening as of a pipe or tube. Oh.

Or one in the body, such as a nostril or the anus or the anus yeah those were the two examples yeah pipe tube two that should never be together pipe tube nostril anus nostril or anus yeah that's what my old dating profile used to be. It said N.A., but it was meant Nostril, right? Mm-hmm. I can go both ways. When is your final phone call? Hello, Dave, Graham, and hilarious guest.

This is Danielle calling from Twinsburg, Ohio, with an overheard. My cubicle is close to our break room at work, and today, during one of their breaks, I heard a co-worker ask another one, this Oppenheimer movie, is it like Hamilton? A musical? And then I couldn't quite hear what the other co-worker said, but I thought I heard her say,

it has the narrator from Forrest Gump. Off I go. Forrest Gump said it? I'm pretty sure Forrest Gump narrates Forrest Gump. Off I go. Forrest Gump's in it? I'm pretty sure Forrest Gump narrates Forrest Gump, yeah. Yeah. Huh. That would be so funny. Forrest Gump.

Well, he would have been. He would have been a guy who would have accidentally be at... Yeah. Boy, what would he say? And who has the voice to do it? Well, a nice man. No.

Well, it turns out that man built a bomb. Shut up. And he shows Offenheimer eating mushrooms. Forrest Gump's eating mushrooms and then Offenheimer comes up with the idea for the mushroom cloud yeah

hey son do you hold that mushroom up for me this whole thing oh oh it gives you an idea

yeah no um that's crazy that's crazy man that's so crazy or like uh

Forrest Gump orders a banana split And he's like Split it gay I'm gonna go work on something Yeah I never did hear From that man again

But I They said on the news That he Built a power He They said on the news That he become death Now This brings us to the end of the podcast No They said on the news that he become death.

Now, this brings us to the end of the podcast. No, I have an hour more in me. Okay, let's redo the first hour. I'm just joking. I want to go. If you don't follow Bita online, you're not going to see what her favorite tweets are. Now you've got an incentive you can go to someone's twitter and click on the things they've liked oh yeah yeah so we could see what you know what actual tweets that's so funny and that means we can keep the segment going even

when you're not here oh please yeah let's look it up right now. What's your Twitter? My name. At my name. Highly unorthodox. Okay, let's see some of these likes. It's like all shit talking Dave. These are good. Read one. This is from someone, an account called Real Bravo Holic.

Okay, yeah. And the tweet is, I need this. And it's a picture of a candle that says, you smell like hospital. Yeah, yeah. That's a good tweet. Good for liking that. you yeah i saw one uh this is a another uh text uh screen cap and one person said i'm excited it'll be fun and then other person said i wish someone would kill me and then the following text was yes when is it? Yeah, that one was so funny. These are good.

Yeah, so just go to at BeatAzureDucky and click on likes. Yeah, see what you like. That's so funny. My new segment. Yeah. You came here. You didn't just participate in the podcast. You made your mark.

I made history. Yeah. I'm a shero. Yeah, yeah. I made her story. I made her story. Thank you. Well, thank you very much for being our guest thank you so much i'm so sorry about my bad attitude i'm going to check it it

was you know what it caught me off guard did it really yeah i was expecting a good attitude and all you people out there that listen to the podcast we love you we cherish you and please come back for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself Maximum Fun

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