Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 808 - Erica Sigurdson

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

Comedian Erica Sigurdson returns to talk bank teller secrets, fair food, and party planning.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 808 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me, as always, is a man who, when he goes to the fair, when he goes to some sort of Chuck E. Cheese-esque place, he likes a token and a ticket as opposed to just a credit.

Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, he's a token ticket. I like a token and a ticket. Graham, I thought 808 was going to be our drum machine episode. Oh yeah, nothing sounds quite like an 808. That's true token ticket. I like a token and a ticket. Graham, I thought 808 was going to be our drum machine episode. Oh, yeah. Nothing sounds quite like an 808. That's true. Sorry. Yes.

It is episode 808. Isn't that something else? Isn't like 808 like Yakko Yak or something like that? Oh, the Yakko Yak store? Yeah, yeah. And I feel like 808 is the oh i wonder yeah i don't know i don't know any anyway we don't know anything about drum machines yeah exactly i was briefly in bentley rhythm ace what does that mean they were a band cool

named after a drum machine called the rhythm ace but they did the theme for definitely not the opera oh yeah yeah. I remember. Did you, were you ever on it? Definitely Not the Opera? Definitely not. Our next guest might have been a favorite here on the podcast, all-time fave, stand-up comedian, writer, extraordinaire. It's Erica Sigurdsson. Hello.

Hello. Oh, now your mics are working. Oh, yes. Hot, hot, hot. Erica Erica you're nodding your head Were you on Definitely Not The Opera? I sure was Hell yeah In what capacity did you

Tell yeah tell tell I think I wrote something That was Anna Maria Tremonti Or was she The Current? No Definitely Not The Opera Was Suk-Yin Lee Was Suk-Yin Okay Then I did something to do with the Olympics Maria Tremonti was, or was she the current? No, definitely not the opera. Was Suk-Yin Lee. Was Suk-Yin.

Okay. Then I did something to do with the Olympics. Yeah, I was, I couldn't tell you what that show was about. I know people who like did pieces. I did, I'm doing a piece for DNTO. Was it kind of like akin to, not the moth, but what's the one like, wait, wait, don't tell me, or what's the one where people go on and tell stories? That's the moth, but what's the one like, wait, wait, don't tell me. Or what's the one where people go on and tell stories? That's the moth. Sure.

Or is it like this America life? I don't know which one is like. I worked at CBC for many years. I didn't listen to CBC. Sometimes I'll hear the news at the top of the hour, but I do find it quite boring and crusty. And I was part of that machine at one point. Yeah, I did. Yeah.

It's like they asked me to write. Could you write a little thing about this? And then I'd write it and record it and get a sweet $300. $300. Nice. And I bet. Boy, that show's not on anymore. But I wonder, is it still $300 if you did a thing like that?

100% it is. Do you know why it was called that? I only found this out like a year ago. Because on Radio 2 on Saturdays, they would have the opera? Yeah, they would follow the opera. Oh. They would like, the opera show or whatever was before theirs, and it was called Definitely Not Opera. Because I know on Saturdays on CBC One, it was always Double Exposure, Air Farts, all the hits and then dnto yeah and there was another one

called madly off in all directions yes were you on that i sure was nice that was a stand-up that was a stand-up show with lauren elliott no elliott no no no yes maybe lauren something um and the first one i did was like pretty early in my stand-up days in cranbrook bc cranbrook bc the city that i've never forgiven for the times that i did stand up it's hard to get that off of you ever yeah once you like really take it in a town like it's uh yeah where's the town for you that's like you hate it forever uh cranbrook that was the worst the longest drive the least pay the least rewarding the most risk of getting attacked by the hockey teams that were always staying in the hotel or it was just so bad. And the room was physically bad too. And they never gave you one single free drink.

Really? I remember even once the bartender, this girl, she was all like, oh, I want to make you a martini. And I was like, okay, awesome. So she makes, she's like, it's a new recipe. Shake, shake, shake, pour, pour, pour. $14. I was like, what?

I want to make you a martini. Hey, you over there, I want to pour you a beer. I want to put you in a new suit. Yeah, I was like, oh, I see how that works. Do we want to get to know us? Yes. Get to know us. Erica, how long has it been?

I feel like it's been a while. Did we do a Zoom episode with you? We did do a Zoom, yes. We Zoomed. And you had a nice backdrop, as I recall. Nice velvet curtains, which are still hanging in my spare room. Yeah. Because I have a Zoom show booked for November 18th of this year.

You're doing a Zoom show? I'm doing a Zoom show. Oh, you know that's Kevin Nealon's birthday. Is it? Yeah. Interesting. I will open with that. That's what it's in Zoom show. Oh, you know that's Kevin Nealon's birthday. Is it? Yeah. Interesting. I will open with that. That's what it's in honor of.

Yeah, it's actually the same birthday. Three cast members of the TV show Weeds have that birthday. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Romany Malco, Kevin Nealon, and one of the women. Not the main woman, but the mean woman. Oh, we don't need to remember the women's names.

I know. But there were two women that had three names each. She was Penelope something? No. The lead? Penelope Ann Miller was not. Who was the lady from Big? Oh, yeah.

No, I know exactly what you're talking about. I don't know. I never saw Weeds. Never watched Weeds. Oh, yes. Now I know. Do you mean the main woman? No.

No. Because that's Mary... Stuart Masterson? Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. Okay. All right. Let's get to know us. We already played it.

Weeds cast. Mary Louise Parker. Okay. It's Elizabeth Perkins' birthday. Okay, and that's only two names, by the way. Yeah, sure, I know, but she also plays Celia Hodes, so that's four names. Okay, well. It's a lot to remember.

It's also my wife's birthday. Oh, okay. If I could just remember her name. I think it's three names. Anyway, anyone out on Zoom, check out November 18th. Check out. My, it's three three names anyway anyone out on zoom check out uh november 18th check out my uh for a diabetes event erica erica yeah so is this in that like national show yeah so i'm actually it's in cranbrook it's in cranbrook god help me um the diabetes capital. Is there such a thing? I don't know.

It's great to be here in the diabetes capital. There's something in the water here. And it is glucose. Yeah. No, I still do a few Zoom shows for people having cross-country meetings. So they just want to give everybody a little reward. Mm-hmm. And it's me.

That's great. Yeah. Have you, because you do a lot of corporate work. I do a lot of corporate work. More, I think, than anybody I know. Probably. And like. My bread and butter.

Mm-hmm. You do. You're kind of a girl boss. I'm a girl boss. What is the corporate that like is the very best like where they like spend all this money on you and it's super luxurious yeah it's good i just got one and this is the first time i shouldn't say this because now they'll be like wow we've been getting charged that all along but this is the first contract that the agent put they have to fly me first class.

And I was like, oh, hello. How was it? I haven't done it yet. Okay, sure. How will it be? I'll tell you how it will be. I'll be wearing fur. For sure, all of those fancy presents Jay buys me that I never

have a place to wear, I'm wearing them on that flight. I belong here, everyone. Hey, I'm not a phone. Except the gigs in Regina, so I'll be slightly overdressed. Well, what was it? He'll also be the only one in first class. Yeah. Wasn't there, like, did Dog the Bounty Hunter go to Regina and demand, like, first class

treatment? He did, yeah. I don't remember. It's because he did a Corner Gas? Yeah first class treatment. He did. Yeah. I don't remember. It's because he did a, a corner gas, a corner gas cameo. Okay. And he,

uh, was like lurking around the hotel. He was giving everybody the eye. Cause that's his like whole thing. He was like, seeing if anybody's up to anything. And he saw Boyd Banks. Who's like a weird looking guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, he asked him like, what are you doing here? He's asking people what they do.

And they were like, I work at the hotel or whatever. And he was like, I don't know, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. That's one way to get Dog the Bounty Hunter

on your trail. But also like, what a weird thing to do in a hotel. Like a place where everyone is like, got a, you know,

like there's, this isn't their home turf. They're in the, unless they work there, but, and we don't even have bounties in Canada. Do we not do that? No. Oh, okay. We have Almond Joy and we have Mounds. Actually, is Bounty a Canadian chocolate bar? I always assumed it was from Hawaii.

Sure. Because of the coconut content, but. That's. Does mounds also have coconut in it? Yeah. I think so. Okay. Almond Joy's got nuts.

Mounds don't. But they both have coconut. Okay. Okay. Okay. Good. Okay. We got that.

Mounds is a terrible name. Yeah. It doesn't make you think of food, really. I'll have a mound of mashed potatoes please two mounds please and a garbage truck full of ham I'll have a mound of mashed potatoes good I'm

I'm Richard Dreyfuss from Close Encounters I've been just making this mound of potatoes so yeah like the Drew Dreyfuss from Close Encounters. I've been just busy making this round of details. So, yeah, like, I think we talked a couple weeks ago about doing a corporate

and how, like, do you feel like you've got to look like somebody that they would work with? Because I feel like that, like, if I wear a suit, it doesn't look right. Right. Right? But if Ivan Decker wears a suit, he looks like he could work at the company. Exactly. Yeah. I guess I could wear a high-vis vest.

Yeah. I mean, I think it's, like, I can get away with wearing, and as a woman, you really have a lot more, you know, because, like, men, if you're at, like, a business thing and you're not wearing a suit, you tend to get judged a little bit more. But, like, if I could wear just, like, and like a flowy gown gown or fur no like you know like just like uh i don't know what you call those things a blouse like but it goes over like a blouse over the shoulder boulder holder no it's like it's like they call them like you know like a kimono open kimono but i don't know if we can say that anywhere am i allowed to wear that um so they sold it to me it must be okay um but anyways so sometimes i'll wear i used to kind of wear blazer and like pencil skirt, but most times it's like when you're a comedian, it doesn't really make sense for you unless that's

your look. Like Ivan, that works for him. But like, why am I dressed up like a bank teller? Like that's not, none of my jokes are bank teller adjacent. Imagine if you did though, if you did like a five minute chunk of it being a bank teller. Oh. Well, you know, those guys, the machine doesn't work for them, and then they come into the bank.

I mean, how far back in time do you want to go? All right, you ever get the guy who comes in with quarters unrolled? Like, roll them up at home, guys. It's standing ovation. Well, I used to work in a bank, so I used to have a couple bank teller jokes. Did you really? I did. What? You worked in a bank? I worked in a Starbucks. Yeah, I want to hear the a bank, so I used to have a couple of bank teller jokes. Did you really? I did. What?

You worked in a bank? I want to hear the big teller jokes. Do you have it? Well, I used to, because I used to work for Canada Trust, and then it became TD Canada Trust. Right. And I used to open with, I work in a bank, and that's why a little piece of me dies every day. but um i used to make fun of like people would always especially like the older hello boomer generation that would come in and comment if we weren't dressed in like blazers and suits and like oh it's pretty casual today and i would just look them straight in the eye and go yeah i make 14

an hour i shop at reemance this is what afford. Or like, I would just be so like, people would just say like, well, why did they do that? And I'm like, cause they're a bank. Like I was just so. Like,

what can I say? Yeah. But I would reverse service charges all the time. Like, especially if it was somebody I could tell, you know, you know, like you're $4 short on a payment and then you get charged a $35 NSF.

And then it's like, well, this is now going to really screw this person over. So I'd be like, oh, I'll reverse it for you. So I had like people that would wait to like come to my line. I remember once Jay was waiting in line, waiting to just to talk to me. So he's waiting in line. And then my boss comes up and she's like, see that guy in the black? I think he might be robbing us. I go,

that's my boyfriend. I think he might be robbing us. Get ready, everybody. He's bringing you a note, Erica. It says, I love you.

That's cool. Did you prefer working at the bank or McDonald's? Or Starbucks? I'm going to say the bank because you always got stat holidays off. And the bank I was at was open Monday to Friday.

So you're done by five. For stand-up, It was the perfect job. A bank downtown is like a great job because you got weekends off and Starbucks over McDonald's for sure. Cause they were just a better company to work for, in my opinion, which is law. Did you tell me, or did somebody else tell me that there was somebody who came to the bank that had a huge bank account but lived like basically as a can collector?

That was you, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a few people on the streets of Vancouver who have a ton of money in their bank account. Yeah. And one day I asked this guy, I was like, why don't you get an apartment? Yeah. He's like, obviously it's a mental health thing. He's like, well, I always have to have money in case.

Right. And so he's like, if it's really cold, I'll get a shelter. Right. Wow. I was like. But it may not. What's a lot of money? Like half a million dollars.

Okay. Like enough money to get an apartment. And he always would get his, not always, but on a couple occasions he got his ID stolen. Like, because he'd be sleeping and somebody would just, like, steal his wallet or whatever. And so he came in one day and I was like, you know, you could get a free safety deposit box. Because you have, like, once you reach this threshold of money in a basic checking i'm like also can we talk about some investments or a savings at least yeah i know could i open a guaranteed investment account for you so i opened a safety deposit box

because i'm like you could put all your really important stuff in here and then you just come in and so he would just tie the string around his belt loop and then come in and like people you always have to go in and wait with the person while they open their safety deposit box so like some of the bank people were like why'd you do that now we have to go in and i was like you know what if he was anyone else you would be tripping over yourself trying to like get him to invest or sell him products. Yeah. But because he's, you know, unhoused. Yeah, yeah. So anyways.

How often did you go into the safety deposit realm? Was that something you do every day? The realm? What did you call it? Room, I guess? No, I would call it sort of a kingdom. Yeah. The kingdom.

Yeah. Usually like once or twice a day and you have to wait while people are in there but you have to obviously, you basically go stand in the corner

because you're not supposed to be looking at what they're doing. Right, but what are they doing? Some people like, so if somebody doesn't claim their safety deposit box

or pay for it after a certain amount of years, it gets drilled and that stuff goes to the Bank of Canada and gets held and like amount of years, it gets drilled and that stuff goes to the Bank of Canada and gets held. And like some of the, and it has to be inventory.

It's all very like. Oh, wow. Yeah. Even if it's like recordings or something, it goes to the Bank of Canada? Yeah. Wow. It goes like.

Even if it's recordings. Well, I assume like people in, they don't all have good things in their safety deposit box. No, like some of them were just like like there's one that was just like a bag of like fingernails and toenails

oh good like it was like really weird stuff but there's also a website if you go on the Bank of Canada

website unclaimed bank accounts like like I've done it with all my family members nobody's got an unclaimed bank account but there I've done it with all my family members. Nobody's got an unclaimed bank account. But there's like hundreds of millions of dollars in unclaimed.

Because people die and they had a secret account. Yeah. Nobody knows about it. And it goes and sits at the bank of Canada. So go look up your grandparents, everybody. That's amazing. And then you just go on this website and it's got it all. You can type in the names and they'll tell you if there's any.

Wow. Well, this is today's afternoon just flying up the window. Yeah, my great-grandfather, he had some beautiful fingernails. Could you imagine? You find his safety deposit box and you're like, get ready, Abby. Our life's about to change. Oh, wow. Yeah, he's building a Frankenstein from the nails and toes. From the nails up. our lives about to change oh wow yeah he's building

a Frankenstein from the nails and toes from the nails up what if it was all like like gross like toenails

fingernails body parts but then there was just a little piece of paper with like some sort of a spell like what'd you do an incantation

yeah you're like this Halloween yeah Would you do? An incantation. Yeah. You're like, this Halloween? Yeah. Come over here, girls. We're going to try something. This could be really great. Cuticle.

Beauticle. Abrams of Batutazole. This is unrefutable. It's just a dumb poem. Yeah, nothing to add with the nails. They just sat there. Of course, but that's the kind of thing I would think would be in a safety deposit box. I wouldn't think it would just be

cash. Right. Or like, you know, diamonds, I would think. Diamonds are like a deed to something or like some sort of stock, like bonds and stuff like that. A big Bitcoin. Yeah. One big Bitcoin.

Canada savings bonds. Do they still even sell those? Canada savings bonds? I don't know. I looked right to you, Dave. Should I have been buying them for my kids? Didn't even look at Graham. Of the two of us, who do you think would be more likely to own a savings bond?

To have inherited a savings bond? Mr. Shumka? Maybe. Are they like a traveler's check? Kind of. They were big in like the 80s, I think. You'd buy one for like $1,000, and then if it wasn't cashed in for like 10 or 20 years, it would be worth $2,000. Right.

Yeah. I don't know anything about that stuff. Anytime somebody starts talking about stocks and stuff, I, I just roll into the back of Yeah, it frames more bottles, cans. Bottles and cans. Bottles and cans. Yeah. How many of each?

I, so I find that the people in my neighborhood who collect bottles and cans don't want bottles. They're like. Because they're too heavy. I think they're too heavy and they're like, because they're too heavy. I think they're too heavy. And they're like, we've got a system. And apparently now like the big milk jugs you can get 10 cents for, but they don't want those either. They also,

uh, you can get like Tetra packs. Now you can recycle those for, uh, whatever, five cents, I guess. And like,

I feel like that's gotta be a bonanza because those Tetra packs don't weigh anything and they don't take up much space. Yeah. It's, uh, uh, I don't, do you have the same, do you like people that come around every day or do you, I feel like there's like five or six people work in my, my corner. I, we only, like ours are inside, so I'd never witnessed that.

Except there was a couple of people in my building who seemed to take the bottles. Oh, this system works. that except there's a couple people in my building who seem to take the bottles this is the works there are people who uh in my old neighborhood i would recognize the same people but like it would because it's you know garbage pickup day or recycling pickup day one day a week in different neighborhoods i wonder if it's like the same people if they if they're just like yeah this is the one day a week I work my neighborhood. Or if it's like, I do the city. Right. Right. Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes you see somebody with a cart and it's so like beautifully balanced, like giant, giant bags of cans. And they've somehow figured out like that it won't fall over or won't, it doesn't even seem to be moving. It's like a sculpture. Yeah. It doesn't even seem to be moving. It's like a sculpture. Yeah. I see a lot of old ladies who have two bags on a stick. Yes.

And they have a stick over their shoulder and balance it out. The one thing, especially this past summer, because you're allowed to drink in parks and on beaches. Yep. That was it. That was the gold mine. If you were walking by the park. And everybody's glad to give you their six cans each that they drank in the park. So, you're now a full-time comedian.

You now travel around as a corporate comedian. Have you ever been on First Class before? I have. And? It's everything you thought it could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I used cash to my savings bonds.

And got. Dave, you should have spent it all in first class. I know. Because I fly a lot. So you can get bumped up or you can use e-upgrades. But the best situation that has ever happened to me was Jay and I were flying to Japan. And we got, our names got called over the intercom and jay was like uh-oh because it was like the flight was leaving late there was so many people

and jay's like oh i wonder what they want and i was like oh i know what they want they think you're gonna rob the plane we're getting kicked out of the airport. Why do you always wear black? And we got upgraded for our flight to Japan to the pods. So we had the full, like, duvet. I could not. I couldn't sleep. I was so excited. They were bringing around, like, the dinner was so good. And then they brought around, like, a cart with cheese and port.

And, like, would you like some cheese, Ms. Sigurdsson? And I was like, yes. And then full-size chocolate bars. You could tell who got upgraded and who paid for it. Because the people that paid for it come in. They maybe have one glass of wine. I'm like, leave the bottle. And you keep saying, wow.

Totally. Now, you travel and you stay in hotels a lot you know all these like you're a member of every hotel every hotel any kind of all the points yeah all the points any kind of uh a family member or whatever they would call them like yeah the double like when there's promotions and you get double your stays at the marriott like it's especially when you're the only person I know who does this. I don't know anybody else that does this.

The other guys on Snowdin do it. And we start we're like how many points you got? Like it's a very competitive like once you get so many stays

you go to like gold and then platinum and then like we send a screenshot of like in your face. So you've got platinum status at a hotel. What does that get you?

Not much. Early check-in and late guaranteed late checkout is nice so as late as four days late yeah three days late 4 p.m 4 p.m really which is amazing if you have like an evening flight and then if you hit like like, after platinum is, maybe platinum's the top. But anyways, there's one where you're just allowed to punch one person in the face. Staff member

or anybody? Anybody in the hotel. Dog the bounty hunter, anybody you want. Um, I, yeah, like,

because sometimes I've, uh, like normally I'm out of the hotel by noon. Yeah. Sometimes the hotel's like, yeah, you got to be up by 11. And I'm like, what? Are you kidding me?

Yeah. Noon's the rule. Yeah. Well, the new thing on Airbnb sometimes is a 10 a.m. checkout, which is, I think, absolutely insane. How do they even enforce that unless they're like standing outside of the Airbnb waiting for you? Well, sometimes they are. Oh, shit. Yeah. Sometimes they live in the house attached to the. Yeah. It's true. Yeah. they're like standing outside of the airbnb waiting for you well sometimes they are oh sometimes they're they live in the house attached to the yeah yeah that's why you got to go verbo

where you get the whole house is that what verbose thing is yeah i had no idea i mean just seeing those commercials where it was like it wasn't verbo was kind of which i always said vrbo and then everybody started saying verbo and i'm, what are you talking about? Apparently they're right. But it was just the place you rented houses for, for holidays. And then when Airbnb came along, I think everybody started using Airbnb. Oh, VRBO was first.

VRBO was a long time ago. Okay. And then now their marketing campaign is like, yeah, you get the whole house. But that's also just a filter you could put on the Airbnb app. I want the whole house is like, yeah, you get the whole house. But that's also just a filter you could put on the Airbnb app. I want the whole house. There's so many Airbnbs in this neighborhood

and it's like you can just, you know, at 10 o'clock you just see people coming down the street with rolling suitcases. It's a real problem in this city. The people renting out there. Constantly. Well, Graham and I are on different sides of this issue. Uh,

Dave currently has some people checking out right now. No, I was going to say in hotels, like sometimes they'll give you a call if you're like past your, uh, the checkout time. But, and then I leave,

but I wonder how much, how it escalates from there. Can I tell you? Because I have done But I wonder how much, how it escalates from there. Can I tell you? Because I have done this. Okay. I've been in a room where it was 11 o'clock checkout. Just waited until noon automatically. Get a phone call.

Hello? Yeah, you're supposed to be checked up. I know. Oh, sorry. I'm just, I've gotten looking for a thing and I should be done really soon. Another hour passes. Was that true? Nope.

Another hour passes. Now true? nope another hour passes now somebody's knocking on the door you just don't want to leave I just don't want to leave exactly well I don't want to leave because I got nowhere to go

right and you love it and I love it I'm watching TV in there you're snuggled up and then they'll knock on the door and then I said

oh you must have talked to my wife she went out I'm still packing everything I'll be out really really soon were you married at the time? nope and then i said oh you must have talked to my wife she went out i'm still packing everything i'll be really really sad at the time nope and then it was just like that that's it that's the only card they have to play is going knock on your door there's no please go yeah please go it's their whole then it's the police and then you're like my wife is dead but i didn't do it or you could say she's missing she was. And you're not doing anything about it.

You want me to wait 48 hours? That's why I'm not checked out. I have to wait 24 hours before I report her missing. Where am I going to stay? This is where she's going to come back to. And the police are like, that's actually an urban legend. And I'm like, you know who's an urban legend? Frickin' LL Cool J. Yeah, he's an urban legend. And I'm like, do you know who's an urban legend? Frickin' LL Cool J.

Yeah, he's an urban legend. Absolutely. John Legend as well. But like, you also buy a lot of stuff from like GoFundMe. Do you still

buy anything off of there? No, I've stopped. I've stopped with my GoFundMe. Oh, wait, no, you mean Kickstarter.

Kickstarter, yeah, sorry. I'm off GoFundMe. I'm back on Kickstarter. You mean Kickstarter. Kickstarter. Yeah, sorry. I'm off GoFundMe. I'm back on Kickstarter. Yeah, yeah. What am I buying? Oh, yeah, that's a thing we,

I forgot. That's one of the things we talk about every time. Yeah. Or like an Instagram ad. Yeah, I got burned pretty bad on a couple Instagram purchases, so no more.

Like as if they weren't what you expected or they never arrived or. It's just, let me just say the quality of the garment that the model is wearing of the kimono of the kimono is nothing like what arrives half sewn together it's like a make your own adventure piece of clothing um so i'm just like yeah i can't do because and also there's nowhere to return these two like it's oh yeah sure it's you know oh it's just like a fly by night yeah and the packaging on it is always like just a bag and like yeah and it's like yeah yeah it still smells like a gasoline factory yes

yes the smells coming off of some of the purses and shoes that you will buy off instagram you're like this can't be right whoever made this yeah my thing is i uh we'll see a thing and then i'll like google the name of the product and then read it because there'll be reviews on Reddit and they'll always just be like, this is this bad. I saw this ad for this. Does it suck? Yes, it sucks. Yeah. The one thing I've been, I wear a night guard practically all day.

If I get late checkout. That's your excuse. I still have my night guard in. Give me about 20 minutes. My In invisaligns need another 20 minutes and there's a thing for invisaligns which i don't have but i wonder if it would work with my night my night guard which is just a dental pod that is ultrasonic and it just vibrates the dirt off of them oh but also um i think there's also like it's the same thing you could get for. Your cell phone?

Yeah, for your cell phone or for like, you know, jewelry to clean. Yeah, I have one of those. I did buy that early pandemic days. What is, I don't understand what this thing is. It's like a light. You put it in. It's like some sort of light thing. Oh my, the thing that I'm talking about is like, it like vibrates.

Like super fast. Well, I certainly bought the wrong one. Mine is just a beam of light. You just look at the flashlight across the room. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, did it work or not? Was this another one that didn't?

Well, you put I put it in and I wait and it likes it. I have no idea if it's anything. You're not measuring the bacteria going in and coming out? Oh, yeah. I swabbed it, put it in a Petri dish, and then just left it in my fridge. I just use Poly, or not Polysparm, Polydent. And like denture pods. They're the number one.

They're the last name and dentures. Polydent, the, the glue or the poly fix is the glue. Effordent is the one that you put it. Yeah. That's what I use. Yeah.

But polydent might be that as well. I imagine polydent. Wait, who wants a cracker? Poly. Yeah. Okay. Nice.

Um, do you guys know anybody who's got dentures? I thought you were going to say, do you guys know anyone who's Polly? My dad does. So I know this whole Polly Dent versus Polly Fix from when he was in the hospital. And I would go to his apartment and get the wrong one and then be sent back to get the other one. Why didn't I bring both? Don't know.

I loved the commercials for, I don't know, the one that's like a glue theme. Oh, yeah. You put, they would glue,

they would put the goo on the finger. Yeah. And it would like pick up. A man. Or would it just pick up the teeth? They would just pick up

the teeth. Yeah. What was the one with the man and the helmet super glue? Yeah, crazy glue maybe. Crazy glue. That's right. But would just pick up the teeth. Yeah. What was the one with the man in the helmet? Super glue? Yeah. Crazy glue.

That's right. But like, he's not wearing a helmet. Did the helmet have a strap? And how did, yeah, how'd the helmet stay on his head? Yeah, I think the helmet had a strap,

but it was like, there was a disc on top to put the glue on. But how strong is that strap? Like, let's. Or is he just holding it by the sides? He might be holding it.

Why did I volunteer for this? Can we bring that up on Google, please? Hard hat man, crazy glue. Crazy glue commercial. Helmet. Images. Did he have full dentures or just partials? Just partials.

Partials. Yeah, he's holding on to the bar. Oh, no, he's not. What's he got, a lamp there no he's not what's he got a lamp there there's a few versions of it oh well if he's holding on to the bar

what is that telling you yeah tells me that he's strong that's yeah right up front do we have to watch it

um well this is just the ad oops ah god get hey look at oh no go back cause the the pictures that were

also like this picture are like modern dance yeah is that lord flatley because the pictures that were also like this picture are like modern dance. Is that Lord Flally? This is the logo for it, which is really the iconic image. And that guy's just got his hand behind his helmet like he's about to get a beach. But you know, I never questioned it, how he was attached to get a beach. But you know, I never, I never questioned it.

Why, how he was attached to the hat. Huh? Well, there you go. That's my childhood. It's all lies. Also, instant crazy glue is like, I have never had the confidence to first time lining something up, been like, I want no second chances. You know what I mean? I'm always like. Oh no. to first time lining something up, been like, I want no second chances.

You know what I mean? I'm always like, ah. Oh, no, I just accept that my skin is going to turn white for a couple of days and I'm going to lose that skin. It's fine. I know people who like, or I've heard of people that do little cuts with crazy glue,

like seals them instead of getting stitches. Oh, the old wartime. Yeah. Yeah. They do little cuts with crazy glue, like seals them instead of getting stitches. Oh, okay. The old wartime. Yeah. Yeah. They do little cuts. Field medicine. Field medicine.

Yeah, exactly. I do, my last successful thing, I used Gorilla Glue. Yes, yes. And it was, my earbud fell out of my ear, hit the ground and broke into two pieces. Jesus. And it worked. How high up were you? Earbud fell out of my ear, hit the ground and broke into two pieces. Jesus. And it worked. How high up were you?

I was attached to a beam by my helmet. And it wasn't like an Apple AirPod. It's an off-brand. One of these Instagram ads. And it fixed it because it has like, you know, sensors on the outside of it to like raise the volume and stuff right um but it doesn't fit back into the charging case very well shit so you know you win some you lose some can you charge it yeah but just not as easily yeah and then you take it out and it doesn't know what you've taken it out and so it takes like a few tries to activate it yeah it's amazing what you'll put up with when you have a thing like a piece of technology like, oh, my phone.

Yeah, then you can't dial nine on my phone. Like, you know, that's any number I can do except nine. Or, you know, this only charges if I put it in. It takes me about two hours for it to charge and then it goes down by 50% after 10 minutes. Yeah, it's, well, I mean. It's because the alternative is pay hundreds of dollars to replace it. It's amazing what people will do to not. Oh, I've ran every piece of technology I have into the ground, like until it literally cannot function as that thing anymore.

Which I could have made some money, I guess, if they hadn't done that. I could have sold it for something, and then they'd trade it up. Well, you know what? Live and learn. Dave, what's going on? Oh, my God.

I went to... Here's what's going on with me. Not very much. You went to the fair. Yes. Now, as we're recording this, it's Labor Day. It's the last day of the fair. Last day of the fair. Probably as we're recording this it's labor day it's the last day of the last day

at the fair uh probably pretty bittersweet there you know things are kind of closing down people are getting a jump on taking things apart yeah a lot of the um you know uh carneys are getting ready to go back to school a couple people taking pregnancy tests. Did you, yes, you read Nick Marino's book? Yes. The part about the one roller coaster that was apparently so dangerous in the 50s. Yeah. It was, I can't remember the word for it, but essentially would basically cause you to abort your. So like this,

this is like urban legend that if you're like a knocked up teenager, you just get on this roller coaster. What is the name of the book? I read a blurb for it. East Side Story, yeah. By Nick Marino. If you want to check it out,

it's really good. It is really good. Yeah. I'm halfway through. That's so funny. Yeah. God to check it out it's really good it is really good yeah I'm halfway through that's so funny yeah god but yeah it's like

have you ever been to the Halloween store on the 31st they're all like packing things it's just very sad right yeah you know what I mean

like it's the same as like I worked at Toys R Us and I'm not you know midnight New Year's Eve everything had to go right

like every trace of Christmas oh okay yeah including the employees they hired you know, midnight, New Year's Eve, everything had to go. Right. Like every trace of Christmas gone. Oh, okay. Yeah. Including the employees they hired for the holidays. Correct. Well, I always, I remember staying at a, like, there was a wedding at the Laugh, you remember the Blackfoot Inn, right?

Yes. Yeah. So it was like somebody who worked there. Where is this? In Calgary. In Calgary. So like they were getting married. She used to work at the Blackfoot Inn.

So after the show, she was like, come by the reception or whatever. Because I was like, not the reception desk, but the actual wedding reception. Come get an extra key. I'll get you a late checkup. And so Alison Smith was there as an actual guest of the wedding. And then I, so I went and then it hit the time where there was still dancing, but all the staff clearly wanted to go home. So they were just yanking tablecloths off the tables and shoving them into garbage bags. And there was such, I just felt so sad because I was like, this was someone's dream.

And like, they could someone's dream and like they could not get out of there quick enough. Yeah. It's like, you're looking at, you just see the, all the centerpieces that you so lovingly picked out and they're just like thrown across the room. I'm like, oh. I remember being at, uh, I think it was the comedy mix

but it might have been some other place but on New Year's Eve everybody gets like a crown and a blower thing that

and like literally all the garbage bags just full to the brim of like tinkly silver like it just became

instant garbage the second that New Year's Eve hit and that was it humans are terrible. Yeah, terrible. Man, oh, man. Graham, is that your wedding ring?

Yeah. Have I seen it before? I don't know. Here's the thing. I got it. Look, it's not supposed to look like that, right? When it's off, do you have... I'm definitely a little skinnier.

Yeah. This is... So I got it. It's too tight as far as I'm concerned. I've been back to skinnier. Yeah. This is, so I got it. It's too tight as far as I'm concerned. I've been back to the jeweler twice. She won't fix it. Oh. Yeah, she keeps saying, no, if I go up a size, as soon as winter hits, it'll just fall off your hand. And I'm like, these sausage hands are not going to change that much.

Yeah, winter I usually slim down quite a bit. I don't eat any stew. I'm not one of these stew eating guys. You're right. I hate cold weather food. That's why I stop. Well, I feel like my finger has a permanent, because I can get it on,

but if it's hot or I have any salt, suddenly I'm like, I cannot get it off. Yeah. And some people never take their rings off, but not being able to get it off makes me immediately need to get it off. Like, I'm like,

ah, ha, ha. Yeah. I remember when I was a kid, my dad, he's allergic to bee stings, and he got one on his hand,

and his fingers swole up so fast, and it was like, a race to get his ring off. Yeah, because he'll lose his finger. That's what we're all freaked out about. So now I always think that whenever I have it on, or anything, like if I'm just hanging out,

I'll wear it. But if I'm like doing dishes or just like if it got a cut, I don't know. But doing dishes, you can just slip it off with the soap. Yeah. Yeah, I take it off during dishes. I slept with it. I never take it off.

I can't stop futzing with it. Well, you're newlywed. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so we went to the fair and it was they're always like hey buy your tickets in advance and i'm like nah and we went there like as soon as it opened 11 in the morning like this will be great and then half an hour lineup to buy our tickets and there was only two like gates open to buy tickets huge lineup yeah and every like the two people at the front of the line both of them complaining not buying tickets trying to worry about some kind of deal no tickets are being sold oh no a couple

walks by with their kids and like does anyone want two tickets and uh i was like i guess we do is this a scam and so how are you scamming me and they're like no I guess we do. Is this a scam? How are you scamming me? And they're like, no, I'm not. You can have them for free. And it was like... You still think you're being scammed? Well, but it was also like if these tickets don't work,

then I have to go back in this 30-minute line. That's true. And I'm still, I had to go in the 30-minute line to buy the kids' tickets. You and Abby just go off. Let-minute line to buy the kids tickets so you and abby just go off let the kids watch you on the ride you let go of that woman and you buy the tickets and there's like a ride there's two levels of ride passes there's like the family fun pass and like the thrill seeker pass okay and we were like let's get the thrill seeker pass for everyone who's tall enough. Yeah. Poppy not quite. Poppy not quite.

And also not brave enough. Is Margo right? Margo's brave and tall enough. And so we buy the thrill passes. We go in. None of the thrill rides are open. What? The coaster's closed.

The log ride's closed closed why was it closed uh it's well the coasters 65 years old it had closed the day before and reopened because of oh didn't something didn't the people the train couldn't get up the hill and then everybody had to climb down yeah oh which i would be like uh no i'll stay in the car until it's brought down thank you very much i am not gonna climb down a roller coaster i went on one thrill ride they went on abby and uh margo went on the pirate ship no there's like a swing of like a forward i think it's called the frenzy oh uh and uh they liked that a lot i can't do that yeah i can't swing I can't go on a swing.

I literally get motion sick on a swing. Yeah. No, I'm the, like, they've got this crazy, what do you call it? It, like, spins around. You're on, like, chains. Everybody's on, like, a separate chain. What? It's like a swing, but it's spinning around.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got, like, a huge, huge one that's, like. Yeah, it goes very high. Yeah, very high. Oh, just looking at it makes me. I, yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got like a huge, huge one that's like... Yeah, it goes very high. Yeah, very high. Oh, just looking at it makes me... I can go on this smaller run. The whole time I'm on a ride, though, I'm looking at the bolt,

like as though, what can I do? Uh-oh, bang, dead. Yeah. Like... Oh, that's... Oh, I got caught in the bolt. Yeah, exactly. I'm like climbing up the chain to tighten it

as we're flying around. There's a guy crazy clued by the helmet to the top of the ride. Oh, you. I've been up here all day. But like, I'm always worried that my phone's going to fall out of my pocket or my shoes are going to fall off. Those are the two things I'm worried about. And my wedding ring. Whoa.

When winter comes. Oh, man. Stay off of those rides. As soon as Mala got tall enough, Mala's my goddaughter. As soon as she got tall enough to go on the scarier rides, I was like, well, this is our last time here. Because she wanted to go on the elevator and I did not. And, but then I'm in line with her and I was like, well, I have to go with her because if something does happen i'm gonna be the jerk who they're like this child died unattended because the person that took her to the fair was too scared to go on the ride so i went on it but then i was like oh this is why parents

like will pay to let their kid bring a friend because then the friends can go do the scary yes yes i do not have to have anything to do with it which one is the elevator it goes up and then drops yeah there's a kid version called i love the kids the dizzy drop no i like this i was like let's go on the dizzy drop again too dizzy for me yeah yeah it's fun that the kids one is dizzy drop the other was elevator yeah and even the kids like the bumblebee roller coaster. That's exactly my speed. Oh, yeah.

I was like, well, this is thrilling. It's the weirdest. It's a ladybug. Oh, yes. And it's called Bug World. But world is spelled W-H-I-R-L-E-D. Which is like not a good pun because bug world isn't a thing. Isn't a thing.

That's right. Uh, but the, um, uh, yeah, we wanted, there were a few things that like,

uh, they recommended not to go in the haunted house until you're 13. And I was like, okay, well, I guess we won't. The kids really wanted to, but I'm like,

wow, they're so thick. They're six and eight that's gonna be like if 13 is the cut off that's gonna be really scary

and it's yeah it's scary in a way because it's old like it's the the haunted houses they haven't updated so it's just these

crazy like things they're scared because it's old technology they just have like an old like desktop computer

the sound of like somebody trying to get on dial-up like kids are screaming but it was good we saw the super dogs um we petted excellent oh yes we didn't pet any animals we saw some animals you see You see some piglets. We saw the piglets. They're very cute. That's cute. Yeah. Check it out. It's the fair. It's over. What fair food did you get?

Oh, yeah. I got, I didn't really want anything gross. So I had a spicy chicken sandwich. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. That's good. Okay. And the kids had a slice of pizza.

Classic. And a Sl of pizza. Classic. And a Slurpee. Nice. That's easy. Oh, yeah. We didn't do any deep fried shenanigans. Mini donuts are my favorite. We did that as well. Yes.

If you didn't do mini donuts, I was going to call child service. Oh, and we did the basic, the like, it's not a Dole Whip, but it's a Dole Whip. It's a raspberry, or not, a pineapple sort of., but it's a Dole Whip. It's a raspberry or not a pineapple sort of. Like ice creamy. Ice creamy thing. Yeah. I love the way they're cutting potatoes now into the spirals on a, like, I'm like, how did this not happen?

It's not a spiral. It's a potato tornado. Oh, I'm so sorry. And they're so much fun to eat. It's a. Until you jab yourself with that skewer. No, that's part of the fun. That's my, that's my thrill is that a lot of ketchup

oh I haven't I've never actually had one but I bet it would be fun to like make the ketchup like go all the way down

and it's like they give you it's fun to like roll it in a spice and stuff like that it's and also oh

fair corn where they just dripped. Dripped in butter. All over your shirt. Ruins your kimono. I'm doing a corporate in two minutes. At the fair. Hey, Carnies. Have you seen the TikTok account

that's just a guy who runs one of those rides? It's like a slingshot thing where he's you know um you just get shot up like on a bungee cord oh yeah yeah and his one move he does for everyone is all right sit back and hey what's this doing here and he like picks up a bolt and then yeah okay well there's my afternoon yeah but like dude does this i can does this not get old to him does this not get old to his viewers the same gag over and over i don't know i don't think i'd ever get sick of it my dad had a friend that in his retirement he bought i think the same thing a slingshot and just travel around with it and i was like i didn't know that you could just i just assumed it was all centrally

owned and then cardi's took around things but he owned it and he traveled with it and i could just make up a game and go you wouldn't buy a ride pre-existing you didn't invent. Okay, everyone. No bad ideas. Here we go. Shoot the madman, it's called. You get a crossbow, and there's a guy escaping in sailors. And you invented this in 2023, eh? Anyway, check out the fair if it ever comes to your town.

And maybe there's a fall fair. Oh, yeah. And there's definitely... Go on a hayride. If you're here in Vancouver, they have Halloween nights. Yep, they sure do. Now, did reading Nick's book... It made me sad that I never got a job at the Peony.

That sounds like so much fun. For two weeks? I worked at the Stampede. So I had the experience. Was there as much theft going on? Well, I was working. I worked in the catering department of the Stampede, allegedly. And there was not so much theft, although I did get caught eating too many chocolate chip cookies out of the freezer. What's too many.

Obviously more than one. Were they frozen? Yeah, they were. Oh, it was delicious. Just frozen cookies. I was in there every day. And at one point where I was like, oh, this looks very noticeable.

You're rearranging them all. Yeah. Okay, they're all going to be smaller though. But I got caught red-handed. And somebody walked into the freezer as I was eating all. Yeah. Okay. They're all going to be smaller though. But I got caught redhead and somebody walked into the fridge there as I was eating. Graham. What? But we used to like make coffee for all the carnies that were right around the like main building. Is carny a slur by the way?

I feel like it's maybe. The way Graham says it. Yeah. building it's kind of a slur by the way i feel like it's maybe the way graham says it yeah um but yeah we hear all sorts of crazy stories about this town or that town that they went into so i think there is a lot of like skullduggery yeah i feel yeah yeah and especially like with teens are you kidding me there was a teen that worked i guess i was a teen as well uh worked at the catering company and he would go off like doing whatever he was supposed to be doing. But he had built in a nap into all the time that it would take.

Yeah. And he got busted because somebody found his sleeping nest that he had made. But yeah, if something took half an hour, he'd make sure it took 45 minutes. But also, what kind of teen is napping midday? Maybe he needed help. I'm still not good at napping yeah my uh i had uh i worked at a fair in my teen years um i was in the kissing booth and they went out of business the whole fair went bankrupt because i couldn't sell any kisses but yeah work i i endorse it if you're thinking about a summer job

that's it's fun it's fun as hell because everything's everybody's having fun there the whole time and you get to hear your favorite song if you buy a ride you probably do hear this like same song whatever's the hit song of the summer olivia rodrigo oh sure richmond north of richmond um anyway yeah fairs fairs all's fair um did you buy a ticket to the peony prize home no i've never have um uh those if people don't know they have a i didn't even know where it was was it on display this year uh usually usually in colonna which maybe didn't go over so well this year but they but they like it's they have the they build a house with like every modern technology in it and you buy a raffle ticket, but you can tour the house at the fair. I didn't see it this year.

I didn't see it either. And there's people selling tickets. Win a house, win a car. And yeah. Use that car to sell that house. I've never bought a ticket for that because tickets are like a hundred bucks. Yeah, they're not cheap. And then does it have a designated plot of land that it has to go to or you can just put it where?

Yeah, but most people apparently who win houses in those kind of lotteries, almost everyone sells them because the taxes are crazy huge. And you would have to like, oh, this house that is in a city far away is nicer than my house at home. Yeah. I would feel bad, like. But it's, like, way out in Cloverdale or something like that was where. Like, one was White Rock, and I'm like, I'm not moving to White Rock. Well, what if you had a house? Oh, I might.

So close to the border. That's right. Yeah. You know how I love my cheese and milk. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, it's happening in America. Dairy. What's going on with you?

Well, as you both are invited to, we're having a dance party, myself and my wife Sally, to celebrate the fact that we got married. And I don't know how to do any of the stuff that is involved with planning a thing now this is an event uh so you're already married yeah you eloped yeah um and you so it's a and this is the first i'm hearing of it um no it's it's like because it's you know typically people will get married they'll have a reception, dinner, speeches, dance party. Smooshing cake into each other's face. Yeah, smooshing cake. Violently. And the details from yours, from what I've gathered from the invitation, this will have happened by the time this episode is out.

So don't try to crash it listening. Yeah, good luck. There is. Or do. There is a bar, there will will be snacks and there will be dancing yes and that's it so there's no like meal to plan there's no seating is there is there tables there's going to be some tables just for people to like hang out around if they don't want to be standing uh yeah yeah but not like no seated you're not like oh oh uh we can't sit David with Erica because they're like oil and water, those two.

They're like crazy glue and gorilla glue. Fighting over their potato tornado. Ooh, I have an idea for the food. Yeah, we get sued because of the pointy stick. Yeah. We're having a taco truck. I read that. I was looking.

I was, yesterday, Sally sent out a message. I didn't see that detail. Yeah, she sent out a message. So I was reading, no speeches. Don't even try. You can write it down on a piece of paper. She says they'll read them later. I don't know if they will.

Graham, are gifts allowed? They're allowed, but we're not. We're just like commas, yeah, it's a party. But you're not registered anywhere. No, no, no, no.

Let's bring back my old joke. We're registered at Scotiabank. Well, no, it was a gift card you had a joke about. Oh, yeah,

buying somebody a gift card to Walmart. I didn't know what you wanted but I was pretty sure it was going to be shitty. That got written up as one of JFL's best jokes that year. Oh I believe it. In like 2005. That's a classic classic bit.

Do you want to go in on a Playstation? Graham's a gamer. I'm getting him a potato tornado baker. Oh nice! Does it just do both the cutting of the potato Graham's a gamer. I'm getting him a potato tornado baker. Oh, nice. Does it do both the cutting of the potato or does it fry as well?

I'm inventing the frying mechanism. It's like it's a light that you shine on it. It's her game that you build for the fair. It's a deep frying game. What if I just gave a pot, a potato, a pot full full of oil but the oil has already been decanted so it's just like end of the night everyone's a bit tipsy Graham's mom picks up this giant pot of olive oil spills all over the cash ruins everything um like Like I've done, I've produced shows, but nothing where I've had to like make sure that I have enough booze. And that's the big question is how much booze to buy.

I have no idea. I've seen a lot of calculators online that say it should be this much per hour or this much per person. But I have no idea. I have no idea. Well, because you can return it to bc liquor store yeah that's where we're getting them from it's always good to go big yeah just to go more more than you can return it the next day yeah um yeah that's that's probably what we'll end up doing but here's the thing what are you gonna going to get? A whiskey drink? No.

A lager drink? A cider drink? Well, maybe like a, you know, a nude or kind of like a cider. A vodka drink? A note and a vodka. Well, yeah, my nudes have vodka in them. Oh, it sounds like you're just getting nudes. But I feel like those are super popular, right?

Yes. People go in for that. And so almost I think I should get more of those than beer. What do you think? Like, is it going to be beer, wine, and? And then whatever. And then like not. But I can bring whatever I want. I can bring my own drinks.

I can set up a little mixology table. You joke, but I was, I went to a wedding. First of all, I know there's only one kind of beer j drinks so i often will say will you be offended if i just bring it for him and i'll put it behind the bar we'll even pay for it just this is the beer he wants what kind is it yeah it's a hoine dark matter okay oh okay i can picture it i would never drink it. Too dark. Too dark. They make a good Pilsner. Yes. Yes.

So. I drink, I drink, they have a fake cerveza. They have like a knockoff. Oh, nice. Or a Corona. Corona, yeah. Oh, nice. Nice.

But I went to this wedding where they bought the alcohol the morning of the wedding and then. The morning of the wedding? The morning of the wedding. What the hell it was also a real the wedding party was in the parking lot doing coke for most of the wedding oh okay so we literally had to ask them to come back inside to do the first dance because the older people wanted to go their dance is so hard Did they at least do the thing where they like wrap their arms around or hands through each other and made each other snort coke off each other's fingers? And spoiler alert, they are no longer together.

What? Oh. But anyways, so they bought like wine for the table. Okay. Right? So, of course, you got a red and a white on the table. And we also sat in the wedding and the reception were in the same place and we sat there so long waiting for them to come back

but there was like no food and my nephew who's got autism like quite you know to the nth degree yeah he's like his parents were like oh no he's gonna and so it was like years ago and i was like i've heard of this doordash it was the first time i ordered doordash i just ordered mcdonald's to the wedding reception smart it's like here we go but then they had for the rest of the night of the wedding they had three bottles of red wine for the entirety of the guests yeah and i was like i can see why they picked it up that morning i'm pretty sure i'm good for at least one of those like what is happening um we uh yeah i don't remember i uh i know there was wine and beer, but I know we had a Prosecco.

Yes. And for years we had extra bottles of Prosecco like in my parents' garage. Yeah. I, could you not return them? Or. I don't know. Wouldn't you rather have a bunch of extra bottles of Prosecco? It's true.

They're a special occasion. I actually don't, Abby doesn't drink. Um, like I have three bottles of champagne right now. Cause people like give them as a gift sure and uh abby doesn't drink champagne and i'm not gonna open a whole bottle to myself just down here yeah but maybe tomorrow when you drop the kids off at school yeah we just dropped them off at. They see you through the window and go, woo! Spraying all the other hairs. But yeah, I also don't know what type of beer to buy.

Like, I know lager is across the board. I mean, people generally like hoine dark matter. Yeah, I think I'm going to

It's a hoine dark matter. Like, if I had lager and IPA and pale ale, is that the standard things? Or am I missing something in that? You can do just lager and ale and I think you'd be fine. Be okay. Okay. Look, someone's going to come back the Monday after the wedding and be like,

Dave's the reason they didn't get IPA. But if Jay wants to bring Hoyne Dark Matter, no problem. How long has Hoyne Dark Matter existed? I feel like it came into our lives around 10 years ago. Oh, wow. What did he drink before that? Probably like there was a Blue Buck, Phillips Blue Buck, or Piper's Pale Ale. He used to quite enjoy. Well, we've got Blue Buck for sure.

So, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, if anybody wants to bring their own drink, that's cool with me. That's fine. I'll have a little flask on, you know, slip a little something into my locker. I'll have one of those purses that you keep seeing on Instagram that you can put a whole bottle of rosé in. That you keep seeing on Instagram. Yeah, that's true.

It might be my algorithm. I'll be wearing a camelback. Or you can wear one of those hats that have the hands on each side. And while I'm crazy glued to a beam. I'm getting drunker and it's getting harder somebody will be glued to a beam before the end of the night that's what that's the only official wedding thing we're doing is gluing somebody yeah are you doing any wedding like first dance no because it's all a dance party well then i oh boy don't want to be first one there no you don't be the first one there but

you do all the coke will run out you you know, within the first couple hours. Will there also be Coca-Cola? There will be Coca-Cola. There'll be cocaine. There'll be, the Coke brothers are going to be there. It's the kids will get everybody up on the dance floor. You play a great song that those kids like. Yeah.

You're T-Swift. Yeah. My dad today, as I was driving here, was like, I don't know where all these people are. What's that Swift person's name? Jonathan. Jonathan Swift. Yeah. I was like, Taylor?

Going to be the biggest grossing concert of all time. Biggest grossest concert of all time. There's a lot of slime. She comes through a locker door, gets slimed. A la Aladdus Morissette. That's not a rule. Hey, wait a minute. The whole show,

she's now covered in it. Because I feel like Alice Cooper, he did a lot of like spraying blood and slime and all this kind of stuff during his show. Well, I'm excited

about this party. Yeah, it's going to be fun. Everyone from your family coming into town? Yeah, the whole gang. And a kid. And there's quite a few people bringing their kids. I saw that. It's just like, whatever,

6 o'clock, 7 o'clock, until you shut it down. Until you see me throwing centerpieces in the garbage. Instead of a first dance, the one thing they are going to do is the dramatic tearing down of the event.

Because I... Pulling cloths up, wheeling the round tables across the floor. At my wedding, I was like, I danced like two songs and I'm like all right i'm done i don't really enjoy dancing i get too sweaty yeah i don't know is uh uh are you gonna dance all night

i'll dance some of the night but uh do a leap on there if we do yeah is there a dj or is you just like a playlist playlist yeah big playlist is Is the playlist preset or in order? That is not my department. I think the oldies are closer to the beginning. Oh, right. I know you're going to leave. Right? Yes, exactly right.

Do you guys want to do a bit of business? Okay. Yes, please. Exactly right. Do you guys want to do a bit of business? Okay. Yes, please. All right. Well, that means it's time to do a little bit of business. And today's business is a Jumbotron. Yep. It always is, isn't it?

It's always the one you least suspect. Jumbotron. This is where you can buy a message for somebody, either to declare your love for somebody, your absolute disdain for somebody. No one's done like a duel, like a dueling challenge. Like, this is a virtual slap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We want a virtual slap. I like that.

And today's message is for us. Yeah. Dave and Graham. It's from someone named Gish. Uh, take it away, Dave. Yeah.

Hey, everyone is Gish. Um, just wanted to say thank you to the hosts of my favorite podcast. Thanks for the years of entertainment and for all the great episodes. You don't have to say this part, but is there any chance that Josh Stubbs will be back on the show? And for all the great episodes, you don't have to say this part. But is there any chance that Josh Stubbs will be back on the show?

Yeah. One of my favorite guests, and he has not been on in a long time. I don't know. I don't book the show. Josh Stubbs sounds like a wonderful idea. Yeah. He's hilarious. And I know that he's got stuff to talk about because I bumped into him. And he has some very funny stories.

Well, thanks, Gish. You don't have to do that. If you're a Jumbotron person, you know, that's very kind. Just send us an email. Yeah. Or just like instead of spending $100 on that, just, you know, PayPal us. Yeah, exactly. We don't have Venmo in Canada.

Do you think we'll ever get Venmo? Oh, boy. a boy can dream Yeah, man, oh man It's, uh, there's like Oh, I saw a video Anyways, it goes off topic But thank you for the Jumbotron I saw a video, it goes off topic

Thank you Thank you Should we move on to Overheard? Yes Yes Throughout history, sirens have captured men's attention, enticed men with their feminine wiles, and fulfilled men's primal needs.

The sirens allure, persist. They have not. Unless the primal need is, I need to be smashed on the rocks. Yeah, smash me. Smash me, mommy. Smash me, mama. Smash me, mommy.

The sirens allure, persist. Why do we do this to ourselves so yeah this is my brother my brother me from maximum fun on mondays it's just like that just like that but it's just like that but more of it there's there's more of that It's just like that, but more of it. There's more of that. Video games can make you laugh. They can make you cry. They can even make you sing. We're the hosts of TripleClick.

It's a podcast about video games. This is an exciting time for new games. From Diablo to Final Fantasy. From Starfield to Street Fighter. From Zelda to... Oh, who are we kidding? We're just going to talk about Zelda. Whether you play games or you just like hearing about them, we've got you covered. Find us at MaximumFun.org

or wherever you get your podcasts. Bye. Overheard. Overheards. If you can hear things or see things or even feel things, we want to hear you talk about it here on the podcast. We always like to start with the guest. Erica, do you have an overheard?

I have an overheard. Weirdly, it's very on theme for what we've been talking about today because this was when I was flying home from Toronto after a four-hour delay. Okay. And I was not sitting in first class, the pods, but I was sitting in premium economy. Okay.

Which I'm not going to say no to. What's that, extra leg room? Extra leg room, the catered meal, the free booze. Okay, not bad. Just a slight feeling of superiority yeah yeah yeah you know and you get the people walk past you yeah you get to go on so this was a walk past so we and again we'd already been delayed for many hours and finally we're all getting on the plane and i sit in the premium economy and there's this like kid who's probably

i don't know five or six who walks through uh who walks past us and looks at the seats and there's this like kid who's probably i don't know five or six who walks through who walks past us and looks at the seats and he's like oh these are so small and i just looked at the woman next to me and i was like buckle up kid because you are you think these are small wait till they get back to the trash class can you imagine if there was even lower than like coach, if there was just like, you don't want to go back there. Toilet seats. Oh man. Yeah.

What does a kid know? You know? I don't know. I was in, so I, we flew to Europe, uh, this summer and it's like every flight i was on there they acted like a big deal like we're actually very full this flight is very full yeah it's either full or isn't guys yeah yeah i know very full always like i'm like nope yeah well i mean like they say it because they're like we we you know if you're on standby, you're not getting on. And if you're.

And if you have carry on bag. Yeah. That's why I do fight to maintain my priority boarding so I can get my bags in the overhead. So we're boarding zone one first. Oh, we're not boarding zone four where everyone's standing up in line already. The, do you ever done where they're like we need somebody to voluntarily give us their bag and we'll check it yeah and like i always thought okay i'll and then i'll leave the bag there and then i don't have to carry my bag around they're like no no you just bring it

we put the check thing on it and then you bring it to the gate and i was like so what is the and now i have to wait on the other end at oh Oh yeah. So like, what is the advantage? That you didn't have to pay. So this is like some people, like if they don't think they're going to have room to check their bag. Yeah. Because then you're forced to do it anyways. But at least, yeah, it sucks to wait on the other side, but at least you didn't have to pay the $25 to check it. And I feel way more confident it's going to get on the plane because it's literally at

the plane. At the plane. Like they would really have to screw up to be like, take it down the stairs and then somebody gets distracted, jumps on the little luggage thing and wheels away with your suitcase. So there was, uh, they made an announcement and they said, uh, going from Vancouver to Toronto, uh, in the first leg of our flight they said okay uh we uh we're overbooked but if anyone would like to take a flight that will get you there 12 hours later so instead of getting there at 6 p.m you get there at 6 a.m

you have to go through victoria you have uh like six hours in victoria If you want to go downtown and explore the city, guess how much they said they would. $400. What? If you change your flight and arrive 12 hours later, here's how much money we will give you. Cash money. Oh, cash money.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Probably. I guess. Yeah. 360 or,

or $2,400. What? Oh, I would have done that. Someone got it. Like people were racing. Oh my God. 2,400. What? Oh, I would have done that. And someone got it, like people were racing. Oh my God. $2,400? Yeah.

For six hours? 12 hours. But six, you can spend a big dollar. Yeah. Yeah. You could. I had that one. It was like flying.

If I would fly the next morning and I didn't have to be there that night. Yeah. So it was 1200 bucks. They're going to give me first class the next morning. They're going to give me a hotel and a meal voucher. And I was like sitting there spending the money. I'm on Instagram looking at all the things I could buy. And then I guess whatever flight all the people were kind of,

it ended up, they didn't need me to. So I, it was, I got on the plane. Like I had lost $1,200. Like, Oh no. Oh God. didn't need me to so i it was i got on the plane like i had lost 1200 dollars like oh no oh god uh dave do you have an over here yeah this is one i was uh walking the dogs the other day and i was walking past uh a house two houses a street a street full of houses yeah

but there was a do you know when you walk past your neighbor and you're like you know someone's you it's always when someone's uh coming you walk past your neighbor And you're like You know someone's It's always when someone's Coming home and someone's leaving And you're like Hey how you doing Yeah have a good one Yeah

Just a quick walk Yeah This woman I think Thought she was going to have that But her neighbor was Not walking past He was She

This woman was getting out of her car Carrying groceries She has her daughter with her And her neighbor This man Was just like like leaning on a bike in his front yard uh and he just opens with uh well i uh took uh took all my mom's garage into storage today and the woman is like oh uh was that your mother i saw uh this summer taking care of your dog while you were away and he goes huh hmm no that would have been my aunt but she looks a lot like my mother and the woman goes well i don't know what your mother looks like. I'm not really trying to piece together who it was.

I just thought that might have been your mother. So great. Yeah. Yeah. You never know when you're walking past somebody and you say, hey, it's like Russian roulette. You have no idea who's going to rope you in. That's the thing, too. If you're at work, you pass somebody in the hallway, you just want to, hey, how's it going?

Oh, good, good, good. And then sometimes the person will stop and you're like, whoa, okay. Yeah. Uh-oh. I had one the other day where my neighbor was like, they had just gotten back from vacation. They were in the hurricane in LA. Oh, wow.

And, uh, so, uh, she started telling me about that. And then she was talking for so long that I was like, I could tell she was like, Oh God, now I've got to ask him.

Like, no, I've, I've talked for too long. Now we have to have double the conversation. And how are you doing, Dave? Fine.

Goodbye. Yeah. Normally I'm just like, Oh, good decoration. you put up. There was a line in the Netflix Pee Wee Herman movie where he says to everybody, I'm going to let you let me go. That's so great. There was a line when I produced the, no, I didn't produce.

I edited the Pee Wee Herman radio special where he said that as well. It's a classic. And I got all the footage, guys, if you want it. Do you really? I think I probably have it somewhere. I would love to. I would love to hear it. Well, no, you don't.

I can't let you. Oh, okay. Mine is from two women who are walking opposite direction to me. And I just heard them say as they passed by, the only reason you get what you want is that you love reading. I refuse to read. And that's why I can't, uh,

figure out how to get my money out of my bank. Yeah. You, yeah. I follow you everywhere. Cause you can read all the signs. Yeah. You just love it.

Don't you? You love this. I remember, uh, I had a prescription for glasses, but I never wore them. And then Grave and I went to New York, and he was pointing out signs left and right. And I was like, oh, maybe I need to wear my glasses. Maybe I do need glasses.

Been missing a lot of the world around here. Yeah. Now, we also have overheard sent in to us by people all over the place. If you want to send it in, send it to spy at MaximumFun. Yeah. Now we also have overheard sent into us by people all over the place. If you want to send it in, send it to SBY at maximumfund.org. And this first one comes from Tony from Moorfield, Ontario.

My wife and I were walking in the mall the other day when another couple and their young child were walking towards us. The child started walking towards me and

I needed to move a little to keep out of his way. After we passed them, I overheard the father say, Lucifer, please watch where you're going. No, no way. No freaking way.

No freaking way, man. Yeah, no, right? Unless it was a family name. Lucifer doesn't need to watch where he's going. That's true. If you've never had a kid, Lucifer, you know that kid. You've sent him where he's going

yeah Lucifer though like I guess he's gonna be the only there's not like oh there's two Lucifers in my class so I'm Lucifer D Lucifer J

it must have been Christopher yeah but still if it was Lucifer I'd name a kid Lucifer not my kid but if it was the lottery if it was like a home lotteryifer. I'd name a kid Lucifer. Not my kid, but if it was the lottery. If it was like a home lottery where you get to name a kid.

Win a house, win a car, name a kid. But most of those kids, they just end up selling them. Yeah, but I... I'd gladly pay $100 to be able to name somebody's kid. I'd gladly pay $100 to be able to name somebody's kid. This next one is, it's sweet. It's sweet more than it is funny and kind of a little sad. This is from Leon R. New Jersey.

I'm a teacher, so I was at the local teacher supply store getting ready for the new school year. I was standing in the back of the store browsing. Near me was a laminator that teachers could use on their recent purchases. Two women were using the machine, one with more confidence than the other. An experienced teacher, am I doing this right? I've never had to laminate before. Dan always laminated for me. And then he died, and I have to do it myself. And the other teacher goes, yeah, it looks fine.

And the experienced teacher goes, yes, I survived my first time laminating. Oh, wow. Yeah. Real story there. Yeah.

Real twist and turn. Isn't Dan the laminator in Gorillas? The teacher supply store, do we have them here? Staples. Yeah, Staples,

yeah, I thought. Staples London. They'll lamin, yeah, I thought. Staples, London. They'll laminate the thing for you. Have you guys

ever used a laminator? Oh, I love it. Yeah, they're so fun. It's so fun.

If I owned a laminator, everything in my home would be laminated. I don't think I own anything that's laminated.

Did you just laminate my receipt? I sure did. Laminated receipts is good because they won't fade.

Yeah, and then you can, you know, keep it in the shower. Do your taxes in the shower. This last one comes from Chelsea from the Chicago suburbs. Today at Target, they overheard a conversation between a family, including a mom and their two sons. One a kid around nine, and the other around 13. The younger one said something about yo mama, and the older one said, dude, don't talk about

our mama like that. The younger one said, no, I said yo mama, not your mama. Yo mama. Mom, didn't you hear? I said yo mama. So that kid just thinks that you just. Yo mama is just like a generic mama. Yeah.

That we all, that we can all insult. And. Mom, you heard me, right? Yeah, yeah. Sounds like some toxic masculinity to me. Yeah. I hope this mama stepped up. Yeah.

It's just this mama who we all insult. She sits around the house. She's the town bicycle. She's brought 17 of her friends to the movie theater. Maybe my favorite one. In addition to the words that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844- 779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod

one, like these people have. Hi, Dave Graham and guest. This is Jay. I was on vacation with my family. We took the kids to a big candy store. And they had a bunch of M&Ms that were like all different colors. There must have been like 30 different colors.

And afterwards we went home and I asked my 8 year old nephew what colors did you get? And he goes light blue gray moron and without missing a beat his dad

yells from the next room, I told you 8 times already it's maroon! Anyway, that's it for me. Off I go. Thank you. Kid testing his limits. Moron dad. No, it's burgundy.

Aubergine. What is the kid, why did he choose gray? Yeah, what was gray candy? I thought this was going to be, this kid is clearly colorblind. I got gray, light gray, dark gray, off gray. I'm a dog. Taking a kid to a candy store probably is like just the most fun.

Like just pick out whatever candy you want. But it's also 500 dollars oh yeah they have this candy store on robson street and they are so smart because you put a bag under it and pull the handle but there's one that has giant gobstoppers in it and you cannot stop the flow of gobstoppers it ended up being 18 dollars and like they're like how many of these gobstoppers are you but i was like i don't know what the protocol is and like they're like how many of these gobstoppers are you? It's going to take a lifetime. I don't know what the protocol is here. They just came flying.

You should walk away. I didn't know that. When you're not a parent you panic in these situations. You're like I don't know what to do. I guess we're paying for all these gobstoppers. There's one on Granville Street that I was like this must do

such good business because it's just down from where all the clubs and bars and all that kind of stuff are so it's just like after I get drunk and dance to the club

I really want some fuzzy peaches yeah but like apparently the the business they do is all Uber stuff or like

you know somebody calls in weird I want just this and that and this and that and this and that and they put together a bag and then

they're like, that's one of the like, you, you got to treat yourself for going out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't just get candy delivered. But you do. Or your mom gives you something because you came and ran errands with her. Yeah.

To the candy store. She gives you the opposite because she gives you some sugarless her. Yeah. To the candy store. She gives you the opposite. She gives you some sugarless gum. Yeah. Alright, next phone call. Hi, Dave and Graham and delightful guests. This is David in Chicago. My wife and I took our daughter to a local

park a couple weeks back. And as we were walking up to the park, five middle school age boys pull up on bikes and they went to a somewhat hidden part of the park behind the slide. My wife, a little while later, took our toddler to the slide and I said, heads up, I think they're doing something weird back there. And as my wife and our daughter walked up they heard the boys talking and one of them was talking into a phone and said you cheated on me and made me so bad at basketball and after they realized my wife was walking by they all kind of got back on their bikes and rode away and that

was unfortunately all she heard well Well, off I go. Now, who do we think is on the other end of this call? Is this somebody that they're prank calling and pretending

to be somebody they're pretending to be LeBron James? Yes, is it somebody they dated? I think it's a girl.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I played so badly today because I couldn't get my mind off the thing that you cheated on. Yeah. And what is cheating in grade five?

Smooching somebody else, I guess. Or like, you know, giving somebody something that you like as a, like, here's a toy I like or here's a candy that I like. Here's half of my banana sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah a candy that I like. Here's half of my banana sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's really easy. And now I'm throwing up bricks. My three-point game's gone to hell. It's your fault. Where am I calling you from? I can tell you where. Behind the slide. I'm behind the slide.

I'm using his phone. It's our where, behind the slide. Behind the slide. I'm using his phone. It's our place that we went to, behind the slide. Final phone call. Hi, this is Julie from Kelowna calling in with an overheard. My daughter and I were parked next to a loading zone. And she said, she was about nine, and she said, what does that mean? Like the parking spot is loading into existence? No, I'm talking about the car that's going in it.

The car that's going into it is loading into existence. Okay, so there you go. You have an overheard and a correction. I just thought that was funny because that's the only context that she knows loading in, in her iPad and games. All right, thank you. So cute. Now, I did not get it at first. I was like, what? Loading? Oh, they think they're moving? But now it's loading. Now I see the little wheel.

This is for where cars go to materialize. Yeah. Loading cars. Okay. Okay. Loading zone. Yeah. What a cute kid.

Yeah, that was, you know, like it was, that's all, that was kind of more about the interaction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was nice. And thank you for sending those in. Erica, it's the end of the podcast here. Oh, no. Thank you for being our no. Thank you for being our guest.

Thank you for having me. It's been a long time coming. Yeah. Being right back here in your home, Dave. Yeah. Yeah.

And what, do you have any shows that are happening that you want to plug or? In September, October 22nd, I will be at the Centerpoint Theater doing my jokes up here

with Jennifer Grant, Christina Walkinshaw, and Rebecca Kohler. Awesome. Get your tickets now. They are so far from sold out. Where is it? In Ottawa.

Oh, okay. Good, good bill. Yeah. Yeah. We're also, Jen and I are doing a little mini My Jokes Up Here. Just the two of us, one in Timmins on September 15th and one in Sudbury, Ontario, September 16th.

Okay. And this is. And of course, November 18th, you're doing the diabetes show. Doing the diabetes online. For the cast of Weeds. Doing debaters in Calgary on September 20th. I'm flying. I'm getting my points.

Yeah, you're getting some points. Yeah. Where can people go to find tickets and all that kind of stuff? I don't know. Just Google Centerpoint Theater. If you want the full HTTP semicolon forward slash forward slash.

So not on a website of yours or anything like that? You know what? I have not updated my website for a while. I'll do it. Before this day is out. Thanks, Bram. Before this day is out. Okay, there you go.

Okay. EasyOneStopShop.com. Nice. Thank you for being our guest. Thank you. And thank you, everybody out there, for listening to the show. You know what? Collect those points.

They add up, and you can get some pretty neat stuff. Sometimes I don't know what they're for. Sometimes they're like, do you have a card? And I give it to them and nothing happens. Yeah. And then. I have that. That's been my experience.

Yeah. Completely. It's really only airlines and hotels. Okay. Like any of these. I'm a member of Cineplex Scene. Oh, yes. That is a good one.

Yeah. $9.99 a month. Do you do that one? And then you get 20% off your snacks. It's incredibly. I'm coming out ahead. Yeah. Nice.

Well, everybody out there, do that. Get the scene points. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximum Fun A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows

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