Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 82 - LIVE, with Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: September 28, 2009

Comedian Paul F. Tompkins joins us live at the Vancouver Comedy Fest to talk about leaving New York, learning to drive, and the fall TV schedule.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everyone, and welcome to a special live edition of Stop Podcasting Yourself coming to you from the Allegro Room at the Westin Grand Hotel in Vancouver. My name is Graham Clark and joining me as always is my co-host who I think is going to be next year's Halloween costume sensation, Mr. Dave Shumka.

Thank you. Do you mean I'm going to be... People are going to dress as me? Yeah. It's going to be scarifying. I suppose so. Don't mind me, I'll just tear down my own... No, that's great.

He was tearing down his own microphone while he was doing that intro part. And our very special guest today, a gentleman who's here for the Comedy Festival, flew in from Los Angeles, California. You may know him from television, VH1. He's been on Mr. Show. He's been in, most recently, The Informant.

There will be blood. There will be blood. And his hilarious stand-up comedy performances all over North America. Mr. Paul F. Tompkins is our guest. Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you. Thank you to the Allegro Room.

Yeah. It's very exciting. Is this my mic? Yeah, yeah. We figured we need to just turn down the monitor. Can I hear me? Yeah. All right.

Yeah, are you okay? Yeah, no, I feel good. Now I feel the pressure to take the mic out of the stand because you guys did oh no oh early disaster it was like a oh okay so now we're we're good are we being piped into some other room somewhere oh is someone having a meeting and hearing this uh thank you very much for joining us. It is my pleasure. Thank you for having me.

And how was getting through the border? Everything was okay? I did not have any problem because I always lie and say that I'm here for pleasure. Yeah. And it works like a charm. And really, my business is pleasure, so I feel like I'm not entirely telling the untruth. Really, my business is pleasure, so I feel like I'm not entirely telling the untruth. But I was on the same flight with comedian Maria Bamford.

Very funny lady. Who I don't know if she actually made it into the country or not, because we waited and waited and waited for her, and then finally we did what you do, which is leave her behind and come to the hotel. what you do, which is leave her behind and come to the hotel. So I don't know if she got through, but I can only imagine Maria is a jittery sort of person. Jittery sort of person. Like eyes darting around. The kind of person that if you were to ask her a question and you were wearing a uniform, she might give a nervous response no matter what the question was.

Name? Yeah. She may be in some back room of a Tim Hortons in the Vancouver airport being donut boarded. Jellyboarded, we call it up here. We were talking earlier, I was hosting a local television show, and Scott Aukerman was our guest. Yes. And he traveled up here yesterday with Mr. Andy Dick. Well, there you go.

Who didn't make it through the border. At all, right? No. He was wearing an ankle device of some sort. How did he even get out of L.A.? I guess it's an ankle device. This was all told to me afterwards that monitors your drug and alcohol content. So you can go wherever you like.

Yeah, as long as it's – Just please don't do drugs. And don't go to Margaritaville. Those are the two. Margaritaville. That's about the level of my references. Wow. That's not bad.

Thank you. So, yeah, so he didn't make it through. I guess the border found his anklet That's what you call it, right? It had charms on it, right? Yeah So what's going on in general?

Are you This is the segment actually We have a theme song for it, do we? Yeah, I'm Now I want to hear it Alright It's a segment called Get to Know Us Give me a second I'm... Yeah, okay. All right. Now I want to hear it. All right. It's a segment called Get to Know Us. Yeah.

Give me a second. All right. Don't worry. Take your time. Oh, and then now the monitors have to go on. We're going to make this guy's life a living hell. Oh, the monitors are going on and off? Well, it's as if they haven't done this before.

Yeah. It's as if the Allegro room hasn't been host to a podcast. I thought Allegro was...'t been host to a podcast. I thought Allegro was... Get to know us. There you go. Thank you. I don't know what I was expecting, but that... You heard the opening theme, right?

I did hear the opening theme. Oh. I like the build-up to that. Things are good. I finally pried that stupid anklet off. I thought I'd never. Stuck it on Andy Day. I tried a butter knife at first and then it turns out Phillips and screwdriver will do

the trick every single time. Things are good. I'm back in Los Angeles after I was living in New York for close to a year hosting Best Week Ever on VH1. And then when people got tired of that happening, I moved back to Los Angeles. Did you enjoy New York while you were there? No. No.

Not at all. It's for young people. Oh, is it? I think if I had been 25 and I had moved to New York, then it would have been a whole different ballgame, but I'm 40 and my bones are brittle. And so is my mind.

So it was not a good time to be in New York. Was it the comedy scene there or was it the... It's just the city itself. It's just rough. I would say to people who live there there or was it the oh no it's just the city itself it's just rough i don't understand like because i would say to people who live there and i would try to soft pet a little bit and say

yeah i'm having a having a tough time adjusting to it and then people would look at me like i was crazy and they would say what i don't what what could you not like about new york and then all i could think of to say was, what can you like about it? Like, I didn't understand. How is it hard to understand how living in a crush of humanity every single day through the worst weather in every season in the most inconvenient place on earth, what is not to like about that?

It drove me crazy. What about autumn in New York? What about what? Autumn in New York. Oh, that's a nice week. That is lovely. That's worth paying gigantic rents for and for a third of the size of what I was living in Los Angeles. This is now

I'm just being bitter. That's the first time I've ever asked, I think, somebody who's spent any time in New York who didn't make it into, like, it was this fantasy place where all the things you love are there. The idea, like, you can get whatever you want in New York. The rest of the world has caught up with that. It's the 21st century. Like, you can pretty much go anywhere you want and get whatever you want at any hour. But the magic of New York, if you want a slice of pizza at 4 in the morning, you can get it.

Will it be awful? Yes, absolutely it will be. Will it be like a shirt cardboard that somebody poured tomato soup on? Yes, it will. But technically a slice of pizza that you did get at 4 in the morning. a slice of pizza that you did get it for in the morning. I think that people have to tell themselves

when they live there that it's the greatest city on earth because otherwise, why would you live there? It must be the greatest city on earth. Here in Vancouver and B.C., we're always telling ourselves how beautiful it is. They came out with an ad campaign that was

just for people living in BC telling us that it's the most beautiful place on Earth. Just a reminder. Don't worry about it. It's great here. Don't listen to what people are saying. Don't listen to outsiders.

In case you read a license plate from elsewhere that said it was the most beautiful. But specifically saying beautiful. The best place on Earth. Livable. I don't know. I think they said it was the most beautiful. But specifically saying beautiful. Yeah. Or no, the best place on Earth. Livable, I don't know. I think they said it was the best place on Earth. You're not going to die. You won't be struck down by God.

The best place on Earth is an insane claim for anybody to make because it disregards personal taste. You know what I mean? And that's the thing. Like going to New York and people were, their attitude was like, if you don't like living here you must be you must be dumb like there's something wrong with you yes yeah it cannot possibly be this rat trap um but people from new york also they pride themselves on living in new york because it's so miserable like that's part of the experience for them and they want to be congratulated for that is it like they make it

makes them tough it's like well it's like they got drafted to live in New York. We're supposed to look at them as heroes, like, thank you for living in New York so I don't have to. I really appreciate it. You know, I was on the plane here, and the flight attendant got on and said, ladies and gentlemen, we have some very special passengers on the plane this evening. People who live in New York City, please, let's give them all a round of applause. Thank them for their service.

They're the true heroes. That's, yeah. It's true, though. We have the same, that's the exact same dynamic exists. If you live in this part of the country and people come from any other part of the country where it's really cold, you get called pussy a lot for no reason. You won't start it by being like, ah, it's so warm

here. They just come here and they're like, you guys must be pussies. This is cold to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So dumb. You're so dumb for living in a temperate climate. What's wrong with your brain? Have it examined. Did you see our commercials? Best Place Hunter?

It did not help. It also did not help that the winter, this past winter, was one of the most brutal winters in the history of New York, which everyone was reminding us of every step of the way. Like, yeah, it's usually not this bad. This is pretty bad. I can't remember the last time the winter has been this awful. So you're just glad to be out. You literally escaped from New York.

Much like Snake Plissken. Like a young Snake Plissken. Like a young, idealistic. People often call me the two-eyed Snake Plissken. That's funny. You've done your research. You've done your research. You've done your research. Well, and you're back in L.A., and you love it there.

Are you a big fan of driving? Well, you know, what's funny is I do not have a driver's license. I've never learned to drive. That's my project. Two ladies in the front row applauding both don't have driver's licenses. Is that true? Well, do you need them? Do you live in Loseles no they live you live here is this a driving city where you really need to drive well then i'd say you guys are in the clear it became for me in los

angeles it became very very inconvenient but it was an inconvenience that i lived with for 14 years. And then I went to, that was another thing where I feel more comfortable talking about it now because I'm actually taking steps to learn how to drive. But before, it was like I was a functional illiterate who was good at just memorizing shapes that I would get by, and it was my horrible secret that no one could know. And so I tried to avoid saying it because I didn't want to just outright lie like, oh yeah, my car is right back there.

The nicest car. That's my car. That one right there. The fancy car is my car that I drive all the time. I'm so drunk. I got this ankle bracelet on telling me I should not get behind the wheel. You have to get fall down drunk every night.

Yeah, exactly. Just so. Oh, please. I can't get in my Rolls Royce. Could you get me a ride home? Yesterday it was a Ferrari. Today it's a Rolls Royce. He owns a car.

He's the Jay Leno of drunks. That's right. 365 days a year I'm getting drunk. I just love it. But yeah, that was a thing when it would come out that I couldn't drive in Los Angeles.

The reactions that people had, people were like it very quickly got to a point where people were angry. They were mad at me because they had to do all the driving. And so the place that people, like this is what it would be. It's sort of like, you know how if you've not seen a movie that everybody has seen, the reaction that people get.

Like if you said, you know, I've never seen The Godfather, and people go, you've never seen The Godfather? Like that, this, like it was that times a thousand where people were, you don't drive at all. You don't drive at all. You're telling me you don't, you've never driven. You've never driven a car. I did that to a

girl, we were bowling one time, I said, let's put our names and we'll all be characters from Gilligan's Island. And she said, I've never seen Gilligan's Island. And I freaked out at her, like she she said, I've never seen Gilligan's Island. And I freaked out at her. Like she had said, I just stole your wallet. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? But then she was like, I grew up on an island.

There was no television. There was just a professor and a movie star. I felt so bad. She grew up in this hippie colony. There was no television. What? Yeah. I think it was Salt Spring Island. And there was no TV when she grew up in this hippie colony. There was no television. I think it was Salt Spring Island

and there was no TV when she grew up. But the weird thing to me was she was in her 20s so she had a lot of time to get acquainted with. Was she on the internet? Probably not. She was probably up until very... But if you didn't see Gilligan's Island...

Did she make her own furniture? Had she heard of it? Yeah, she'd heard of of it but she was mystified when i was like gilligan's island she was like she her way out she could have been like i'll be gilligan and then we could have just dropped it that's what that's what i would have done see she has to get better at lying yeah exactly just get better pretending she's seen TV shows. Yeah, like I haven't seen Inglourious Bastards, but I can just go, what bastards? They really were a bunch of bastards of the most inglorious sort. I feel like I envy her a little bit not having seen Gilligan's Island.

Really? But then I feel like if I was seeing it now for the first time as an adult um but i wouldn't like it yeah no no uh with godfather like if you see godfather now it's still good right and you haven't seen it exactly but i've never seen citizen kane or casablanca and i get the feeling i don't need to see those. Citizen Kane's good. Casablanca is one of those things where you've seen it parodied in so many things over the years that it would just lose all. You'd just be like, that's The Simpsons. That's The Family Guy. I think they're both good movies. Two shows on television.

There's a lot of movies. You know what I mean? And I feel like there are some classics of all time and everything. But, you know, again, it can very easily come down to a matter of taste. And it's like, I don't think you absolutely have to see those movies. Yeah. I've seen that thing you do like a hundred times. And in that movie, he references Spartacus all the time.

Haven't gotten around to Spartacus. It's about priorities, guys. I feel like in that movie, too, that Spartacus reference does not work. No, it doesn't. It's not a reference to what Spartacus did in Spartacus. It's like he's using a catchphrase. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because what was the catchphrase? I am Spartacus. I am Spartacus. But isn't that where everybody stands up and says, I am Spartacus? Yeah, spoiler alert. Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah.

Of that thing you do. Nothing like that happens in the movie at all. There's no Spartacus-like behavior that is exhibited by any of the characters. But, yeah, I feel like he just wanted to get that in there. Tom Hanks. Well, yeah, Tom Hanks wanted to play. I wish he'd make more movies. As a writer-director.

Oh, right. Right. Not as an actor. No. Do you mean because make more movies. As a writer-director. Oh, right. Not as an actor. Do you mean because maybe he would have got better at it? Yeah, well, I liked it. I saw a lot of time. I mean, even better at it? Yeah. It's a fun movie. He wrote all the music. Not true.

Not true at all. Not true at all. So you are now learning to drive? Yes. What steps have you taken? My step now is I'm reading the driver's manual. Okay. And I'm trying to absorb it and retain some of it.

And it's hard because it makes me realize, oh, maybe this is why I never learned to drive in the first place. Because it's like school. Yeah. But, yeah, I have to do that. Then I have to get my learner's permit at age 41. And then I have to drive around in the student driver car with an instructor. Because I had many people who volunteered, friends of mine who volunteered. I'll teach you how to drive.

Yeah. Let's stay friends and don't do that. Yeah. Don't do that. Because there's no way that's not going to end in tears. No, it's your parents. If your parents didn't do it, because you could have a falling out with them, and then eventually, over time, it could be mended.

That's true. My mother died a couple years ago, so it's just my dad, and he's in his 80s. I just feel like- Does he still drive? No, he's not allowed to anymore. No. He's at that age. Is he allowed to teach to drive?

I think that he is. There might be a loophole. I think we're allowed to sit in the passenger seat and give advice. When I learned how to drive, the first time I was in a car was with the driving instructor. And he spoke very, very broken English. And he kept telling me to strick the wheel, which I chalked it up to my ignorance of driving that I didn't know what strick the wheel meant. I can't even figure

out what that would be. He was saying straighten, right? But it came out as strick. So every time he'd go, strick the wheel and I would just turn it right and then drive into a bush and he'd be like, no, strick it! And I'd be like, ah, I don't honk the horn. I don't know what to do.

Where was this guy from? He was just very, very new to Canada. I think he may have been a Chinese gentleman. You're not the whisperer. I don't know if he was Chinese. Might be one of those in here. But he, yeah,

I was terrified after that first, i didn't go back to another lesson for another six months because and i actually went into the house at the end he said most people when i tell them what to do they listen but you are the worst driver wow and so i was shattered and i went up on the computer and i looked up strick, because I was like, surely that I would have heard this term at some point. Right. And I asked, and then finally somebody was like, are you sure he wasn't saying straighten? And I was like, well, that would have made sense in every context.

Man, I never would have arrived at that. You think he learned how to teach how to drive? Never mind. What do you call those things where, oh, I forget the word. Bumper cars? No, no. Cereal. Can I get an adjective?

Can I get a verb? Madlibs. Do you think he learned to teach by Madlibs? Yeah. Sorry. But then it would have to be be another person you're doing the Madlibs who doesn't speak English well it's not a word yeah word trick I wish we'd let me bail on the theme song again

how often let me ask you this how often do you think of the word strict when you hear the word straighten? Every single time. It's got to be, right? It is now linked in my head. It might be for me now. When I am actually behind the wheel of a car and the driver tells me to straighten the wheel, I might say, do you mean strict? And he'll just wink at you and automatically give you your license.

Media pass. So how do you get around LA? Is it buses or taxis? When I first got there, I took buses, which was miserable. The LA bus is not, like, in New York, there's no shame in taking the bus,

but in Los Angeles there is shame in taking the bus because the people that are on it are shameful. Terrifying people. One time I was taking, this is a crazy, this is a crazy story. Okay, I was taking the bus one time i worked at tower video on the sunset strip in los angeles and it was a it was i had to go from hollywood all the way to west hollywood it was a long ride uh down sunset boulevard and uh i was late for work one day

and uh the bus uh stopped to let on this woman in a wheelchair and i was at this point in my life where i was thinking god the woman in a wheelchair is making me later people have problems you know so the bus uh kneels to let this lady on and so she gets on her wheelchair and she gets into the handicapped spot on the bus, you know, little section there. And so we're riding along. And I'm starting to feel bad for, you know, being so selfish and horrible. And then I see this woman cross her legs in this wheelchair. I'm like, what is this?

She just crossed her legs. She just crossed her legs. And then I would see her from time to time on the street pushing herself along in a wheelchair with her legs. Sort of like pedaling the sidewalk. Like Fred Flintstone. Yes, exactly. So I'm like, why? Oh, now I'm angry that I felt bad in the first place.

I'm like, I was right. I should have been even angrier. So then some time goes by and I'm going to some party or something with a group of people. We're crossing the street and there's this woman with this wheelchair. And one of the guys I'm with goes, oh, my God. And he runs across the street and he goes, I mean, he starts talking to her. And then he comes back and he says, do you know who that was? And I said, yeah, it's that lady who pretends that she needs a wheelchair.

He goes, no, that's Francine Dancer. This woman has a public access cable show where she dances to the music of local heavy metal bands. She dances poorly and periodically she takes a break. She's got a special stump that she just sort of leans her knee on and then she will go back to dancing. Sometimes she'll play the harmonica for a couple seconds and then put the harmonica down.

This is on television? This is on television. Oh, my goodness. It's a public access cable. Now, I did not realize until that moment I had already seen this show. I had seen this woman dancing, and I never equated her with the woman

who paddles along in the wheelchair. So I was standing in the middle of the street trying to wrap my mind around all this and she's still out there. I saw her the other day. She's still out there in the wheelchair. She's still paddling along. Is she still on television?

I don't know. I will have to see if the Francine Dancer show is still airing. Because that would be like, would that have been pre-YouTube then that she would have been on TV? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, absolutely. Because that then, public access would have been the only outlet for a crazy show like that. You're making me want to, is it rude if I do a search for her right now? Because I forgot all about YouTube.

rude if I do a search for her right now? Because I forgot all about YouTube. Because then it's like I start to feel like I made this lady up in my mind. Only I can see her. Standing at the bus stop too long in the sun. And I pointed her out to my fiance

the other day. We were going along the street and I started and I said, look, it's Francine Dancer. And she said, who's that? And I told her the whole story. Yeah, here she is. There's a million clips of her. So yeah, so please, I urge you all to do a

search for Francine Dancer. And then imagine her sitting in a wheelchair and making me late for work. So I said to my fiance, there's a Francine dancer. She said, who? And I explained the whole story. And then there was a beat. And then she said,

I don't think dancer is her real last name. Good stories. Thank you. Should we get to know you, Dave? What's going on with you? I'd like to get to know Dave. Yeah, come on. Oh, big week, guys. Watched Glee last night.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. I have not seen that. I haven't seen it yet either. People seem to like it. People do like it. It's not good conventionally. Right.

Oh, you mean in the sense of enjoyable things? In the sense of artistic merit. Right. Or things that I like. Right. But it's great for teenage girls. Sure. And gay men, I'm sure.

Absolutely. The musical theater crowd. So what is it? Two groups. Yes. It's a high school. That's where they Absolutely. The musical theater crowd. So what is it? Two groups. Yes. It's a high school. That's where they intersect. That Venn diagram intersects at Glee.

So it's set in a high school, and then it launches into big musical numbers? Yes. I did not sit through the whole thing. I came and went. I was watching Cougar Town. Oh, how was that? Have you heard of Cougar Town? Could use a few songs, right?

Now that you mention it. I've heard of Cougar Town. I have not seen Cougar Town. It's Courtney Cox's new effort. Excuse me. Yes. Courtney Cox. Okay.

Touche. A little respect for David Arquette. The star of Eight-Legged Freaks. I was searching for something. He was the star. That's all you need. Tuck that away for your future David Arquette

purposes. But the pilot episode, or the premiere episode, was she's... all bad she yeah yeah but missing the crucial bag of chips yes so i heard that was the twist of the show i heard that was the twist yeah yeah yeah you know she's somebody she's she's kind of uh queasy about the idea of being a cougar right uh she goes to aougar bar. She picks up a young man. She is kind of brought into

the cougar world. And then I was like, well, but there's no other thing. She quickly, the arc of her character being uncomfortable with being a cougar and then being a cougar happened in half an hour. And there's no... Now she's totally on board. Welcome to the rest of the show.

I guess I thought it was, oh, okay, she's surrounded by cougars. Why did they bother making her uncomfortable in the first place? Why did they start out where they're saying, you know what? I'm going to be a cougar. Right. And then she is one. And that's all the origin story that you need for the cougar. It's like tongue for ladies.

I don't know what that is. That show looks terrific. Oh, have you not seen it? I haven't. I've seen one minute of it. Okay. I've seen all ten episodes. Wow.

The short season. They haven't ordered the back nine yet. Oh. But, oh, I haven't ordered the back nine yet. Oh. Uh... But, uh... Oh, it's... I don't mind it. Although, it... there's, uh, Thomas Jane is the star of it. Sure. Star of The Punisher. Right.

Uh, we'll start with one of them... You're good at this. One of the Punishers. This is... I'm good at Star Of. They asked for The Punisher to stick. Uh, we'll play Star Of later. Cue the theme song!

Uh, so, yeah, Tom Jane, a very handsome, rugged man. We'll play Star of later. Cue the theme song. So, yeah, Tom Jane, very handsome, rugged man. Oh, now it's Tom. That's how much you love this show. Anne Heche, handsome lady. And the two of them, they used to be married, and they have these kids that are these weird fat blob goth teenagers so they yeah I don't believe that family. No, not believable.

So they don't resemble either of them in any way, right? No, no. There's nothing. They are shapeless. Yeah. They are amorphous. They're abstract. They're just an idea.

Why is it called Hung? Oh, he's got a huge penis. Thomas Jane. That's the plot. Yeah, yeah. And he becomes, to get money, he becomes a male prostitute. Oh. Or as the Australians call it, a prosy.

Now, is he with a different Jane every week? It's complex. Why is it complex? Because women... It seems like it shouldn't be. You find out that women don't have sex the same way men do. Sure. I learned that in Cougar Town last night.

They don't use a prostitute for the same way I imagine a man would. So there's a lot of playing games with his heart. Is it more about emotional needs that ladies have? Yeah, I know. That's why they hire sex workers for their emotional needs. Oh, man, I'm sorry I've missed that entire show. Is there some commentary on the state of the American economy and stuff like that? Isn't that why?

Yeah, it takes place in Detroit. Ah. Yes, Motor City. Sure. And he's about to get laid off. His house just burned down. And there are a lot of haves and have-nots. And all these rich ladies are trying to do him.

There are a lot of haves and have-nots, and all these rich ladies are trying to do them. What other choice does a white man in America have than to resort to prostitution? There's really nothing else he could have done. Agreed. I'm not here to defend Hung, by the way. So you watched Glee. I feel like I'm getting beaten up. Well, I don't know why any Hung, by the way. So you watched Glee. I feel like I'm getting beaten up. Well, I don't know why any of us are here then.

I have been sold a bill of goods as to what this is all about. I watched Glee, and the football team at the Glee High School, Glee High, is... Oh, wait a minute. That's not true. No, it's not true. Okay. The football team is that is terrible and so they get uh they they hire they don't hire but the they get the glee club uh coach to to give them dance lessons and they all learn the uh beyonce um put a ring on it dance yep and uh and then in the football game all the guys do the dance uh for the last play of the game spoiler alert

and uh but the whole time i'm watching and every time i watch something like this i can't i'm so mad because they're breaking all the rules. There's, he called timeout so they could do a dance, but the play clock is still running. Yeah. And then they snap the ball to the kicker, and the kicker does a dance mid-play, but you don't have time. But now, hold on a second.

I do understand that in this show there are musical numbers in the manner of a Broadway musical where people will suddenly burst into song and stuff like that. Right. So this football dancing, is this occurring in reality? In reality, are they saying, hey, time out. We want to do this routine we learned. Yes, because the whole reason they do the routine, they all. We want to do this routine we learned. Yes, because the whole reason they do the routine, they all think that dancing is for Q gays, queers.

I don't know why. Q gays. I tried to tone it down. It's a local expression. If you use it tonight, everybody will go, this guy knows. The local thing. Best place to live in the world. If you say that. And what brings them all together is that they learn this dance in the reality,

and then in the football reality, game reality, they do the dance in a reality. To psych out the other team. So it's not a psych out the other team. What are they doing over there? I assume it worked. I assume the other team was What are they doing over there? I assume it worked. I assume the other team was very intimidated by their dance number. Perhaps distract. In the middle of a football game instead of playing football better.

So that's what – so ultimately – This was before the ball was snapped. Well, but I'm saying ultimately the dragooning of the Glee Club director into football coachery, it's not to maybe teach them to move better or something like that. It's to unite them as a team, but then to use it completely practically as a dance. But then to use it completely practically as a dance. So this is going to be like if you went away on a corporate retreat and you gathered berries and then you did the same thing at the office. In reality, you just started falling all over the place. See if anybody would catch you.

I'm just going to use that in my everyday life. But so. All right. Who called the who decided in the middle of the game, hey, we're going to do this dance number? The quarterback. The quarterback. Of course. Right.

He was the one who united the two groups to begin with. Had the regular coach just quit by this point? Is he not in the picture at all anymore? He sanctioned the whole thing. Wow. So there had been a discussion at some point with the coach of the quarterback where he said, yes, when you feel like it's time, I want you to start doing that dance number.

Well, nobody else wanted to do it. But it was the last play of the game. They had to do it. And so the quarterback called a timeout. They broke it. He convinced everyone first of all you have 45 seconds to make a play took him 15 seconds to convince them to do the dance and then the dance was a minute and a half at least yeah yeah yeah it's a very good dance

and oh that's why they're still using it on that tv show months and months after people have gotten sick of it. That's right. After the single ladies phenomenon has long died out. Let's see it one more time. With football players. Wow. So that's what I've been up to. Defending terrible TV shows.

Yeah. Job well done. How about you um i've been this is my thing that i realized i've i uh it's a new thing in my life because i have never worked in an office environment uh before and this year i have been and something that happens in offices is sometimes a card goes around to everybody in the office and you have to sign it. Yes. But I'm pretty new. Like, I don't know.

I know people, you know, to say hi to them in the hall. But, you know, like today I had to sign one and yesterday and last week, different like birthdays or congratulations on your first full year here or things like that. And so I've just started writing them like the way that I think like a robot would, you know, like I wrote, because it was this girl's first year, I just wrote exemplary. And then my name. Or yesterday's birthday card was year complete. Year complete.

yesterday's birthday card was year complete but everybody else is just written happy birthday happy birthday complete you kind of did personalize a little too much I think you got noticed. I don't know if your intention was to fly under the radar at this pace. You're completed. Who is this guy? If you're claiming you do it like a robot, then why not do what everyone else wrote? Oh, that's true. That's a good call. Just saying.

And why do I sign my name to it? They're like, the printer's name is Grail. But yeah, so that's really my only new thing that I can think of. It's a big one, though. It's a big one. Well, I actually went to a show on the weekend. It was a show called Girl Talk was the name of the – and I'd never heard of it before, but it was somebody I knew was opening. And it's a guy that just plays...

He plays music on a laptop computer, basically. Sure. And mixes it together and plays like a little bit of every song that you love enough that you get super excited and then he switches it to another song really quick. Like the worst wedding DJ. Yeah.

Does he go by the crowd's reaction? Like when they're like, oh, then he immediately switches it? Yes. He was very good at kind of continually getting your hopes up and up and up. This guy sounds like a jerk. Yeah, I'd never seen anything like it before. Because there's nothing to watch. He invites all these people on stage because it's just a guy and his laptop.

But in an effort to really kind of jazz up his performance, he was banging his head forward. And within three minutes of doing that, he had hit his head on the laptop and there was blood streaming down his face. He had hit his head on the laptop, and there was blood streaming down his face. But offset by, I think there was some very light, happy, maybe Lady Gaga-esque stuff going on music-wise, and all these young girls dancing around him. And he looked like a horror show because nobody gave him a Kleenex or whatever. And it was just sweat and blood, and so that was pretty horrifying. Tears? Any tears? Yeah, there might have been a tear.

The triple crown. So yeah, that's me me it's no glee but was the uh how was his computer uh computer unscathed did he even check uh no there was no time he had to go start the ghostbusters disappointing people the ghostbusters What was the response to that one? Is Ray Parker here? No. Okay. Well. So yeah. Do we want to move on to

a little segment called Overheard? Sure. Oh, we got a theme for that too. I hope so. How we doing? How we doing? Oh, we're good. Overheard. There you go. I feel like I just got girl-talked. I was just getting into that.

I was just getting into that little Death Cab sort of vibe. You've been girl-talked. You've been girl-talked. So, yeah, things overheard just in general life or something that you've seen that's particularly hilarious. I follow you on Twitter, so I know that you take photos of hilarious signs or graffiti. We're both very passionate in that department. We love hilarious graffiti and tattoos especially. But do you have any great –

That is sad when you see an unfortunate tattoo. Sad for them. Sad for them. Sad for the world, I think. I think everything gets a little worse. I have overheard some – I love being in a city where like New York was

too many people so it was harder to overhear like the little gems but I grew up in Philadelphia where you could hear like awesome things. Even Los Angeles I remember one night walking down the street it was like a

really nice summer evening. It was just twilight. It was just starting to get dark. And the vibe is really mellow out on the street. And I'm walking down my block and I see these two guys are standing on the corner and they're having a quiet conversation. And as I get closer to them, the one guy says to his buddy, oh, she'll love it if I show up there drunk. But first, I got to get drunk enough to show up there. That was a beautiful window into their relationship. My favorite thing I ever overheard, though, was this crazy apartment building I lived in in Philadelphia.

It was me and my two roommates, and we were in our early 20s, and we were surrounded in this building by these old drunks, these crazy old drunks. And our landlord was like their ringleader. He was a crazy old drunk himself, and he had these sons that were our age. And these guys fought all the time. We would always hear them cursing and screaming at each other, throwing things, stuff like that. And one night,

me and my roommates were coming home late from a bar and we were creeping past that apartment to get to our apartment on the second floor. And our landlord, Stan, and his son, they're having a big muffled argument. We're hearing more as we get closer and closer. Just as we get past the door, we hear Stan's son say to Stan,

once I get my $200, I am out of here like Steve Martin. And we were never able to come up with a plausible explanation. Still to this day, I have no idea. Could it have been the scene in The Jerk where he keeps trying to bring things? That's what everybody says. That's what everybody says. Or I say if you were in a heated argument with your father, whom you hate, and you were telling him that you were going to shake the dust from this crummy town from your feet and you leave and

never see him again, are you going to quote the jerk? I would hope not. Steve Martin's catchphrase was, well, excuse me. Maybe he thought it was, I'm out of here. Did he think it was Dennis Miller? I thought that. I thought that. I thought that. That it was the Dennis Miller SNL weekend update sign-off.

But still, still. That's the news. Yeah. I am out of here. How are we doing on time here? We're 45 in. We got 10? 5?

5? Okay. He did 5 with two hands. I read his pants. That's an emphatic 5. Give me 5. Do you have another one? No. No? Okay.

Wow. That gave us two. Yeah, that's great. I sensed another one, but no. I do have one that involves cursing, but I didn't know if that was... Cursing is the order of the day. Oh, is that okay? Yes, please.

You boys are both so well-mannered. I haven't heard a blue word escape your lips. I said Q-gay. Q-gay. And I whispered Chinese earlier. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's true.

One time I was in a cab, and I was at a red light, and there was a car parked on the corner, and there was a guy in the driver's seat smoking a cigarette. And the cab was about to pull away. This woman comes up to the driver's seat where this guy is smoking a cigarette, and as the cab, my cab is pulling away, I hear this woman say, Busted! Smoking a fucking cigarette, you fucking liar! Case closed.

That guy had made some promises in a really dicky way. It was like, look me in the eye and tell me you're not going to smoke again. I'm never going to smoke again. That's it for me. All right. That's three. Dave, you got one? I guess.

On my street, there's a, I guess it's like a utility box. It's either the power company or the phone company's a utility box. It's either the power company or the phone company. It has this metal box. And there's a conversation going on between two guys who have been tagging it. Right. Oh, okay. And one guy tagged it with whatever his tag was. And then the other guy, I guess he didn't have the confidence to tag it then and there.

There was too much pressure on the spot. So he made his tags on those stickers that you get with your name tag on. Hello, my name is. Hello, my name is. And so he put two tags there and covered up the other guy's tag. And so the first guy wrote two responses to that. The first was, when I find you, I'm going to kick your ass. East Van, what?

He wrote that on the box. And then, on one of the little stickers, he wrote a shorter message to fit on the sticker. It just said, when I find you, so long. So long. Presumably in response to hello.

Hello, my name is. Yeah, so long. I thought for a second you were actually seeing people in the act of graffitiing, which I have never seen in my life. You've never seen somebody graffiti before? I've never actually seen somebody in the process of doing it. It's not as hip as you'd think it is. Oh, I think it's very hip. Oh, okay.

I always assumed it was. I imagine it was like seeing the astronauts at work. If they have a grease pen in their hoodie. In their space hoodie. In their space hoodie. Graham? It's not an overheard, but it's something that I saw at my, I was at my grandmother's house two weeks ago. And she has, you know, a recently acquired DVD player.

Is it still flashing 12? Yeah. Typical grandma, am I right? Got a doily on top of it and lots of chalk keys and all the hard keys. But she has some DVDs that are all kind of grandmother appropriate, like, you know, a Casablanca. Like, Chicago is kind of the farthest up because it's based on an older musical. And then on the shelf, and while she was talking to me, I looked over and there was two movies right next to each other. One was The Girl Next Door, which is a movie about a porn star moving in next door to a kid.

I forgot about that movie. And the other one was John Tucker Must Die, which is, again, like a teen movie. But I didn't ask because I want to keep that mystery alive. Do you think they were supermarket impulse buys? I figured there was three. She wanted the one. What was the third one then? Now you got me wondering. What was that third movie that she was willing to also be saddled with?

John Tucker must die in The Girl Next Door. There's something that doesn't go with that at all. It was probably Now Voyager. I think they were selling those in a three-pack. You would get John Tucker Must Die and the Girl Next Door and then some old Betty Davis movie from 1939. Modern times. Modern classics. Modern times Modern classics

Oh well I think we should wrap it up Because there's another podcast coming in here There's something Yeah there's some other show But thank you very much for joining us My pleasure Thank you for having me And you are performing tonight

And tomorrow night Yes Yes On the comedy Comedyfestival.com You can find out Comedyfest.com Just go to.comcom you can find out. ComedyFest.com. Just go to.com.

And you'll find it. Where can people find you on the internet? I am at PaulFTomkins.com How do you spell Tompkins? I spell it the correct way. T-O-M-P-K-I-N-S Very important.

No H. No. No time. Those days are over. And also, I have a Facebook fan page, which people seem bothered by because you're not supposed to have fan pages. You're supposed to actually be my friend. And I'm on Twitter, at BF Tompkins. Very funny Twitter.

Thank you very much, Brad. Very good. Thank you. Thank you very much for joining us, and thank you guys all for coming out. And, yeah. Is there outro music? I knew there was! I didn't want to be called on again.

Just keep talking, it'll build up. That's a good one, though. That is a good one. Oh, good. No? No, it's building up. Okay. All right.

It's building up. But yeah, thanks everybody for... Yeah, there it is. Slow. Thank you everybody for coming out. Thank you for downloading and check back next week for another thrilling edition of Stop Podcasting Yourself.