Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 84 - Jon Dore

Episode Date: October 13, 2009

Comedian Jon Dore joins us for a good, old-fashioned insanitycast. Seriously, I don't know what this is.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, welcome to episode number 84 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark, and joining me as always is a man who, if you ask anybody on the street, he is the new king of zombies, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yep, thanks. Brains.

Brains, etc. Brains. Brains. Brains, etc. Brains. Slow walking. Yeah. Attacks. Post-mortem. When do I talk? Here.

Now. Because I never know when my... Hi, my name's John Doerr. I never know when I'm supposed to talk, because it starts and I feel like you have business to take care of. We don't. Because you do like an introduction. We do. Graham does a lot of chatter.

Because I know it has to start somewhere. Yeah. The listeners have to know, okay, it's begun. He lets people know that we got a pitcher and not a belly itcher, or that's what we want. Yeah. Yeah. He's like an angry shortstop. Yeah.

Well, I'm angry and short. Yeah. And I'm not a goer. But you never stop, do you, Graham? No, yeah. This guy doesn't have it. You never stop. He can't turn it off. No, no off switch.

But in case you didn't catch the intro for who this is. There was no intro. This is our guest today. There wasn't an intro. Is the man who's the star of the John Doerr television show? Yeah. I think that's what it was called. That's what it was called, right?

It was called the John Doerr television show. Yes. And you're John Doerr. Yeah. Yes. And you're John Doerr. Yeah. Yeah. So you were the star of that. Sure. If you want to say star.

I don't know. There was a... It was kind of like there was a different star every episode. Well, that's true. No. No, I was the star every time. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

I was the lead. I was the hero. I was the protagonist. Your show was kind of... We had zombies in an episode, by the way. Speaking of Dave and his zombie rant, if you've never seen Dave Shumka... the protagonist. We had zombies in an episode, by the way. Speaking of Dave and his zombie rant, if you've never seen Dave Shumka, he's in

a zombie phase right now. Last night's show, you talked about zombies for, I would say, the better part of six minutes. Oh, I would say the much better part. It was a one-piece thing.

It's a very funny piece. Not last night it wasn't. Alright. No, it's very fun. I enjoyed it and I tried to compliment Dave on it and he told me to fuck off. Like backstage I said. He doesn't respond

well to compliments. Yeah, he doesn't like the camaraderie of the green room. Right? Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you liked the green room, all right. Well, not when it was just the two of us. Do you think there's a chance it was just John? That enjoyed it?

No. Well, yeah, certainly. I would say so. Yeah. But do you have zombie in your family, like in your bloodline? That's why it spoke to you. Yeah, but most of my family is dead. Undead. It's called undead. Well, they're not undead yet, but they're dead. They're on their way to you. Yeah, but most of my family's dead. Undead. It's called undead.

Well, they're not undead yet, but they're dead. They're on their way to becoming a zombie, I think. I mean, I guess you can say that because you're related to them. So you can use the D word, which we can't. Why can't you say it? Well, I don't have any undead in my family. Have you guys seen Club Dread? Is that a trick question? No. Is that a thing? Yeah, it's a movie. Is it a broken that a thing? Yeah, it's a movie.

Is it a broken lizard or whatever? Yes, it is. And I just recently realized that it's a play on the words Club Med. You just realized that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, do you think that originally it was a play on the word Judge Dredd? Can we at least play the theme for Get to Know Us? Yeah.

All right. Get to know us. Okay, and last time I felt like you guys didn't bring your A game when I was here to the podcast. We don't have one. We sold our A game for two B games. So that's what happened. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Who got the A game? I don't want to say. B game, by the way, is the video game version of B-Movie we sold it to Tom Arnold mine was better than the Tom Arnold thing come on well yeah

sorry what were you saying guys let's play that theme song and kick this thing in the nuts get to know us you're pretty proud of yourself is that good so what's

tell us what you've relocated to Los Angeles What are you doing? I ask a question Is there a theme song that's going to play? Yeah No, it plays That gets edited in afterwards

Oh, it's already played twice You've been on radio shows I know I've seen photos of you on a radio show What are you talking about? What are you asking me? You just asked me a question, Graham You moved to Los Angeles recently

Yeah, I did You were a Torontonian now you're a los angelino yeah can you be a los angelino and not be hispanic what is that i know i'm just saying i'm hispanic now as well oh is that right yeah you're so you're part zombie part his Hispanic. Big Selena fan. Oui. Yeah, I moved to Los Angeles. I now live in Los Angeles. I've been there for a few months now. And if you guys want to come down and stay on my couch, you cannot. Because you don't have a couch?

No, I have a couch. It'd be one. It'd fit perfect two people. Still no couch for Dave and Graham. That's that Spanish accent. Why do you think we would come down together and want to share a bed? Because you guys are two peas in a pod. You're inseparable.

And I know that you would love to just spend every moment of your lives together. Abby can come too. Yeah. She can stay in the couch, but not us. No, she can't stay in the couch. Okay. No one stay on the couch. That's perfect for three people. Who is this guy? Yeah. The couch keeps growing? He on the couch. That's perfect for free people.

Who is this guy? The couch keeps growing? He's huge couch. John, you're very famous for doing this Asian character. Asian furniture. Yeah, can we speak to the Asian furniture character? What would he say about Obama's first year? Or she.

That's the best part of the character. It's genderless. And it's not offensive. That's the thing. Some people, when white people... Oh, I hate them. When white people impersonate... Oh, I've got to get this right. Chinesers.

Chinese-aninos. That's not right, is it? Is it Chinesers? Chinese-aninos. That's not right, is it? Is it Chinese-ers? That's way off. Chinese-aninos? That's way off, I think. In order... Like, I'm very open to other cultures, as you guys know. So I kind of celebrate as many...

You're known as the multicultural comedian. You like weird food. Yeah, I'm... They call me... When I'm about to tell jokes, people say it's cultural diversity off time. That was dumb. Play the theme song again. No, no, but I really am. Like I'm actually more into – like when I go – like for instance, like when I go to a Chinese restaurant restaurant i don't uh like i won't use a knife and fork because i know you have to be i i say right

away like please i look i want to i want to enjoy your culture for what it is i'm very open-minded bring me the chinese or twigs okay this is dumb this is dumb this is dumb and offensive by the way is it yeah a bit this is not. Is it? Yeah. A bit. This is not. Well, no, it's offensive because all kinds of... Because it's terrible. It was a terrible choice that I made. All kinds of Asians use the same chopsticks. They're not necessarily Chinese or twigs.

That's true. They're just called chopsticks. They can be Laotian twigs. Come again? Laotian. Laotian. Laos. That's not true, what you just said.

Oh, is that right? Okay, guys, seriously, let's start recording. Yeah, we're going to start recording now. And do you like it in Los Angeles? I like Chinese food. Oh, Los Angeles. I do like Los Angeles. And there is a place in Los Angeles called Chinese Food and Donuts.

Ooh. Are they different? Whole spectrum. I'm not going to eat there. I've never been in. Why not? There is a place in Los Angeles called Chinese Food and Donuts. Ooh. Is there a lot of lineups? A whole spectrum. I'm not going to eat there. I've never been in. Why not? Oh, you've been too busy. Chinese Food and Donuts.

Would you eat at a place called Chinese Food and Donuts? You don't need to eat there. You can get it to go, probably. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you don't have to eat it in the restaurant. And I don't... I've never... You know I've never gotten food to go, ever?

In my life. I've only ever dined in. Dined in or just not eaten. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean if I'm walking by a restaurant and I don't walk into it, it's not like I'm not eating. Yeah, that's true. It's just I'm going somewhere. I've already eaten.

Yeah, that's true. How come you always look at life like that? Where are you going, John? How come you guys are like that? Us? Yeah. White people? Yeah.

We're all... So why don't you... You don't have to get Chinese food and donuts probably at the same time. No, you don't have to get both. I'm talking about a place that would specialize in both. I think that deep fryer is being... Maybe they don't consider donuts food. We have Chinese food and Chinese donuts.

So what do you... What's a Chinese donut? It's a donut made up of old Chinese food. Oh, okay. And it's just they mix it all in a bowl, like sweet and sour pork with the noodles and the soup. And then it's just shaped into a donut? Barely. It's like gelled into a donut.

It's like a press. I've seen it. You can buy it in the store. You can buy a press to make donuts out of food. It's like a compost, but you... Yeah. But it goes in you. You have to freeze it in that mold, so you have to eat it cold.

Yeah. And... This sounds... I'm just going to say, this sounds like nonsense. Whatever comes out, and while you're eating this Chinese donut made up of Chinese food that is now in a circle, essentially, whatever you don't eat and falls on your plate, you put that back into the mold, and it once again becomes another part of it. And you get some of your money back. Wow.

It's a fair trade society. Guys, listen. I did that with my hands Against my mouth You're a Foley artist in Los Angeles We should have said that I've been doing a lot of Foley work If I asked you to do a portrait of Dave Foley I've been doing a lot of Foley work

So if I'm like okay Civil War rifle Go Okay ready But I need a question for you Open range Okay. Civil War rifle. Go. Okay. Ready? Yeah. But I need a question for you. Open range?

Like close range? Like where are we here? We're out in the field. We're out in the field. Okay. And we are, we're the south. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

North. The sun will be in my eyes from the west. Wow. Wow. Did you feel it? Yeah, I encourage any listeners to just back up the track again and just listen to that again because that was... Don't even back it up. We'll do it again.

Here we go. Wow. Okay, so... I did Schindler's List. I did the Foley did Schindler's List. I did the Foley for Schindler's List. Windchimes. There were no windchimes in Schindler's List. No, no.

Can you do windchimes? Oh, yeah, yeah. So we're in the South. It's a warm summer afternoon. Do you do anything other than the South? No, it has to all... I specialize in black and white Nazi war recreations and Civil War. Okay.

Yeah, those are my specialties. That's what they bring me in. They didn't... Did you do the scene with the girl with the red coat? I fullyed the sound of the red coat. Oh, what does that sound like? Now, can you add... What a grandfather clock striking two?

A grandfather striking two what? Here we go. Here we go. That's a hard one. I'm a grandpa You can't laugh That's dumb Oh the laughing makes it dumb? No

Guys That was really Well that's what Foley is right? It's painting a picture Whatever you want Whatever you want guys Give me a sound I do it

I recreate it It's my life. It's who I am. Star Wars. The whole movie? Well, just the essence. I'll do the whole movie in 20 seconds of sound effects. Okay, go.

Okay. Joey! Hyperdrive! Trash compactor! Trash compactor closing in! Gold leader! Gold leader! Here we go!

Shoot it in there! Boom! Oh, God! Here we go. Shoot it in there. Boom. Oh, God. Boom. Bloom. You know, I went on tour. I think I threw in a bit of Empire. It's a trap.

Isn't that from Empire? Maybe. Yes. You guys don't care about anything I do. No, that's right. I'm giving you gold. Yep. As Foley artists, do you sometimes do dialogue?

I've done ADR. I've done audio dialogue replacement when they couldn't get the character to come in. Because I'm a master impressionist. As you know. Phyllis Diller. Here we go. Phyllis Diller.

Hello. Hello. My name is Phyllis Diller. Hello. My name is Phyllis Diller. From her groundbreaking 1972 comedy album. I'm Phyllis Diller, and this submarine is mine. Now, now. I confuse. There's a little more Roger Moore, but yeah.

Can you do Rich Little doing John Wayne? Rich Little doing John Wayne. Sexually. Okay, David, I didn't want to go there. Give me another one. David spoiled it. He spoiled it with his spoiler. Okay, here's a fan favorite.

Bill Cosby. Oh, geez, here's a fan favorite. Bill Cosby. Oh, geez. Here we go. Bill Cosby. Okay, like Bill Cosby, Fat Albert era, Bill Cosby. Yes. Okay. Bill Cosby. Give me a scenario.

What's the scenario? Okay, Bill Cosby has been kicked out of his apartment for breeding endangered monkeys. Oh, good one. Okay. And Fat Albert's there, and he's eating them. And it's a trap. Also, Chewie is there. Yeah.

Okay, here we go. Sure, looks like I've been kicked out of my apartment here for breeding these monkeys. Sure, looks like I've been kicked out of my apartment here For breeding these monkeys Bill Cosby was doing an impression of Phyllis Diller In that scene, by the way Yeah, yeah, yeah And it looks like it's a trap You're welcome

That must come in handy Of course it does Hey, Barack Obama Last time we met Barack Obama was not president. So now he is, and now you've made the move to the States. Was that why? That's exactly – he brought me down. Yeah.

He said – he's great on the phone. He's great. He called me up. He said, can I speak to John? I said, sure, just one second. And I came back on, and he said, was that Phyllis? I said, yes, but this is John now. What do you want? and he said was that phyllis i said yes but this is john now what do you want and he said why don't you come down things have changed i said okay uh he said i love your show uh i heard you on the podcast with the two dingus brothers

and it's pronounced dinkus well he said dingus well and i said no and i said you know it's pronounced dinkus he says i know but I'm calling them Dingus. I'm like, you're the champ. So yeah, he brought me down. So I've been down there. How do you guys feel about the world since Barack Obama has become president? Do you feel it in the air? Has the energy changed at all?

What's going on, guys? Yeah, I feel like I walk a little taller. The air's a little sweeter. I think I've got a cold. That's nothing to do with him though It could be Why not Oh and I've become a birther What does that mean

I don't believe he was born in America So I'm a big part of that I'm a big Glenn Beck fan. You mean the Lord himself? Yeah. Yeah, the Lord. Glenn Beck is a great person. If you're looking for role models, that's a guy to follow. He was in that movie, Role Models, wasn't he?

Yeah, he played the little black kid. The swearing black kid. The swearing black kid. Well, there's something. I mean, Barack Obama, the little black kid. The swearing black kid. Well, there's something. I mean, Barack Obama, the first black president. Is that right? Yeah. I don't count half blacks as black. And I don't say color.

Well, why are you counting them to begin with? Well, I do a census of black presidents, and I'm still at zero. Oh, wow. What about presidents of places like countries in Africa? Most of them are prime ministers. I think there's some presidents mixed in there. I'm not, I don't know if your census is. Have you seen dead presidents?

Yeah. That's got a lot of blacks in it. Yeah, that's true. Do they count on your census? No. Guys, I'm getting uncomfortable talking about this, but I'll say this. I don't think oppression, the oppression will end until there is a conjoined twin president. I think that's when things really start to change.

But one's a Democrat, one's a Republican. Could one of them be played by Greg Kinnear? Oh, you're already writing the movie. Of course Gregory could do it. He's got the chops. Yeah. Who do you think would be the other side of that twin? Gregor Kinnear and...

Gregor? Is it Gregor Kinnear? Gregor. Gregor? Is that what... What did I say? I think you said Gregor. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I meant. I heard Gregorier. Like he's even more Gregorier than Greg. Yeah. I think Greg Kinnear could play, yeah, Greg Kinnear would play the president. Yeah. And I would... Where would they be conjoined?

Oh, head. You've got to go head with this. You have to go head with this. Do they have the same brain? Because imagine it on the stamp, right? They're of the same mind. Because if that gets on a stamp, it's great. Or would you just...

On the dollar bill. Would you just have a little bit of the second head played by Margaret Cho? Oh, she's good. She's good. She's the Republican. Yes, she would be the Republican. Great. Greg Kinnear. Democrat.

And, yeah. Is she a politician, too? No, God, no. No, she's a sewer worker. She works in the sewers. She's a city worker who works. God, no. No, she's a sewer worker. She works in the sewers. She's a city worker who works in the sewers. Yeah, okay. So on one of the scenes, the president is lying down on the road while she does her...

He's giving a press conference while she's working. She's unclogging a sewer. Yeah. But only in Washington, D.C. Or wherever she's needed. No, why not? I mean, sometimes she travels. I mean, maybe it's like...

She's one of the best. She's got a reality show, and she goes to all the world's best sewers. Have you guys seen Margaret Cho's reality show? Didn't she have a reality show? Reality show? Reality show? Margaret Cho's reality show.

Yeah, that's what it's called, right? I have not... I don't think I've... I feel like I've seen a clip of it. What is the gist of it? I feel like it was... Not the word gist. It's like not... I don't think I've... I feel like I've seen a clip of it. What is the gist of it? I feel like it was... Not the word gist. It's like not...

It's short for gypsy. It's not a... What did you gist say? I don't know. I feel like I've taken crazy pills. I don't know what's going on. Do you have any more? Could you imagine, guys, if we took them right now?

Things would get out of hand. Keep it real. Keep it real. Keep it real. But yeah, Simon's twin... Or notiamese twin, conjoined twin. Yeah, yeah. Neither of them are Siamese. No.

No. No. Conjoined. Conjoined. Yes, I corrected myself. Do you guys remember that movie? Jump down your throat, Clark. Conjoined twins, if you please.

And then you'd have catchy slogans like uh hey guys two heads are less appealing than one head yeah and that is for sure well i like the uh who's uh who'd you sign on to direct this well i i already i've answered my own question it directs itself yeah but no you'd have to get cameron james cameron or no just this guy cameron i. He's a pretty cool guy. He could use the work too. He's got his own camera. In fact, I don't even think his name's Cameron. I just think I call him that because he has a camera.

I call him Camera. Are you guys excited for James Cameron's Avatar? I don't think I know of this. You live in Los Angeles. Surely everybody's given a press kit I refuse to read it I'm taking a stand

I'm trying to change Los Angeles No I don't know anything about this James Cameron movie Have you seen the preview? Do you think it's going to be the best thing ever? Or the worst thing ever? It looks really terrible But I haven't seen the preview in a while I just saw it once.

But I think there was like a couple of things like there were cool spacecraft that I enjoyed. Weird helicopter things. Yeah? You think that that's

enough to carry a movie? And weird lizard people. Getting close to zombie talk again. Oh, Dave and his rants. My name's Dave and I love the undead And you can't shut me up about it

Right? That would be Dave's theme song to his sitcom And the whole sitcom is just half an hour You with your arm around zombies And just quick shots for the opening Yeah I got my arm around them But I squeezed too hard and their head comes off Yes and you're like,

Can a zombie put its head back on once it's been taken off? No, a star, a robot could. But you can't. So play safe. So play safe, everybody. Man, those commercials didn't teach me anything about... I mean, like future safety.

I learned something about that. Yeah. Flying around the saw. The commercial for the homeless nerd, there were these public service. I thought you were going to say for the homeless. For the homeless. Graham, there used to be these Canadian commercials, public service announcements about a robot named Astar.

I know. Got his arm sawed off. So he gets it sawed off because he's jumping around in like a futuristic lumber mill or something. Yeah, and he puts it back on. I know. He's jumping around in a futuristic lumber mill. Yeah, and he puts it back on.

But a robot, you could probably unscrew their arm, but a saw is really going to damage it. No, once again, Astar could not have put his arm back on, I don't think, without the help of his creator, don't you think? Yeah. I understand your point. The Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you.

Robot Jesus, yeah. What does that sound like? What's that sound effect sound like? Actually, I'm not allowed to do it because it's a movie coming out and I can't reveal the sound effect. James Cameron's attached. It's a sound effect that's going to probably change the way movies are made. It's a real game changer. Have you seen that movie, Game Changer?

No. Is that an actual movie? No. But it could be, right? That sounds like it could be right that sounds like let's talk about things that could be but aren't yeah okay okay go buttermilk sausage now you i would do it oh um remote control for television that's already been invented probably um i go uh I go sun net a net to catch

your son in like your son like a kid or your not the son well it depends if it's your son and it's the only one that would probably be the son where's the son that's what I would say if we had a kid I'd be like if not we you and I

well maybe you and I do you want him a kid well I don't not want to have a kid, I'd be like, if not we, you and I. Well, maybe you and I. Do you want him a kid? Well, I don't not want to have a kid. Dave, something that doesn't exist but could. Like food with mustaches. Oh, that's good. Can I ask you? Distinguished

food. Or porn food. Porn food. Or police food. Police food. Gay food. Well, mustaches are very big in the gay culture the burt reynolds like i mean literally their mustache yeah they are very big and what a culture um we on the on the drive over here we drove past uh a fire yeah fire there was a hotel on fire yeah and it was getting along like a house on fire and we drove past a weird bicycle a guy was on a weird bicycle a hipster guy oh yeah and he had a teardrop tattoo yeah and we we were speculating whether the teardrop tattoo is the new ironic mustache yeah exactly and that

but unlike uh like a mustache did did was there as much meaning attached to having a mustache as there was to having a teardrop tattoo? Because that's a very, like if you grew a mustache, that didn't mean anything specific. Right. But the teardrop tattoo is almost always murder, right? Something prison-y. I know, yeah, I know very little about the teardrop tattoo other than it's associated with prison, but does it have anything to do with murder? That's what I've heard. If you kill somebody in prison, then you get a teardrop tattoo.

I think there are different variations. Like if someone you know died in prison, if you're in a prison gang called the Crybabies. Oh, yeah, the Crybabies. Yeah, that's true. Or if you're doing pantomime and you're a sad clown. Does that count? That's not a tattoo though. That's just makeup.

Or if you just like the tattoo. That's what I think. I don't know. Do you think that's... Why can't someone just... Is it now corrupt? If you want to get a teardrop tattoo and someone says, oh you know that means murder in prison but you still want to get it, are you going to do it? Yeah, because you love to weep.

Yeah. Oh, do you think he was similar? He didn't look like a sad guy. He had a bicycle with a basket on it. Oh, so everyone with a bicycle and a basket is happy, Graham? Name me one who isn't. You mean, why? No, but you generalize all the time.

You always say people with bikes and baskets are happy. Well, no, all I'm asking for Is you to tell me somebody Who falls in that category who isn't happy Uh, Bikey McDepresso Do you know him? No Yeah, while he used to run around town

Finding medication to help his manic depressive disorder Yeah And never happy, never happy But he had a basket on that Well, at the time he was manic, and that was great Oh, his highs and lows. I understand what you're saying. He had highs and lows, but trust me, the lows were very low.

Fair enough. This is tough. Don't generalize anymore. There are sad people out there with baskets and bicycles. But not together, though. If the basket's on the bicycle, then they're most definitely happy. What would you... If you killed someone in prison

and you were... If? Yeah. I'll start with if. Have you, by the way? Or you guys? I prefer when. I tunneled out of a prison once.

I didn't tell you that story. Yeah? It was one of those prisons where you were on a tour group. Yeah, I had to just tunnel out. You tunneled out. How am I going to get out of this place? This is going on forever.

And then this guy went, psst, I got an idea. The tour guide. It took us two going to get out of this place? This is going on forever. And then this guy went, psst, I got an idea. The tour guide. It took us two years to get... It's like, well, we should have just finished the tour. We would have been out in 15 minutes. This took us two years to get out of. But made a friend.

And you murdered him in prison. Yes. Well, here's the thing. I didn't know you murdered someone on a prison tour. You got attached to the internet for 10 minutes. prison yes well here's the thing i don't know how you murdered someone on a prison tour you got a tattoo but then you're at the next tourist destination you didn't have that tattoo when we're on the tour i don't want to talk about it where's that other guy i don't want to talk about it right now um where's the bus driver um here's the only guy who can get them out of there and then a lot of questions Looking really nervous in conversation

Just get me to the Cheesecake Factory Okay now listen Weird tour From the prison to the Cheesecake Factory Gotta eat Can you get anything Is it just desserts at the Cheesecake Factory Or are you going to an actual factory

That makes cheesecakes that you can get a tour of Well the Cheesecake Factory? Or are you going to an actual factory that makes cheesecakes that you can get a tour of? Well, the Cheesecake Factory is a restaurant. You do know this, right? Yeah. So what are you asking? Are we going to the... What can you get at the Cheesecake Factory? It's just desserts.

No. What? Are you talking about the restaurant at the Cheesecake Factory? Yes. Oh, no. You get the full menu. Oh, yeah. Apps.

Apps. Full bar. Main courses desserts well that no cheesecake which is interesting no cheesecake um hey it's their factory run it the way you want but it is misleading i usually just go to chinese food and donuts for dessert go on yeah no you have a little Chinese food for dessert Oh, I'd love it if they were out of donuts Just Chinese food today Yeah, just put a, anyway Okay, but the point was this

If you killed someone in prison, what would your symbol be? Like if you were part of a gang And you're like, okay, we're gonna start We need to let people know The hierarchy of our gang here So we need a symbol Could you get a drip coming out of your penis? I don't like where this is going.

What are you asking about? Sorry, never mind. A drip coming out of my penis? Yeah, instead of a teardrop. Oh, I see what you're saying. So like a tattooed... Why am I touching my teeth? Why are you touching my teeth?

I don't know. I get very into things. So a tattoo of some kind of mucus or... Yeah, whatever comes out. Dreams. Variations. You get different colors of drips depending on different fluids. So you're asking me, could you?

Yes, you could probably. Okay. That's what my gang would do. What's the name of your gang? The Mucousy Pee Pee Pee? Mucousy Pee Pee Pee? With a pause in the title? The MPP Pee Pee.

We gotta get out of here, comes the Mucousy Pee Pee. I'm still not convinced that it's not a not a not a prison only thing okay but he asked you if you killed someone in prison what would your gang symbol be and where on your body would it be

I'm gonna say that I'm a traditionalist and I'm gonna have it tattooed on my face I killed a man in prison like the phrase yeah the phrase I don't think people would want to do it then you think what that would be the deterrent Like the phrase. Yeah, the phrase. Wow. I don't think people would want to do it then, you think? What?

Like if you knew that after you killed, that would be the deterrent. If you knew if you killed somebody, you'd have to get that tattooed across your face. It wouldn't be popular at first, but neither were belts, right? When it was just suspenders. I would be so afraid of tattoos, I would probably, you know, I probably find someone else to kill the person. And then I wouldn't have to get the tattoo. No, you would have to get one that said, I hired someone to take the tattoo. You don't have any tattoos.

Do you? I have one tattoo. Did we cover this last time? What is the tattoo of? It's a teardrop. Don't make your voice sound like that. Get a little inquisitive. I don't like inquisitive Graham.

It's scary. He's always hunting for a story. Did we cover this last time? Yeah, see, that's how I disarm you. You're like, this guy's a dope. He's not going to get to the bottom of this. I don't think we covered it last time because it's not very interesting. I got a tattoo and I regret it.

I got it when I was 19 years old. It says Budweiser. It's got three frogs on it. No, it says most valuable primate starring the monkey um i got uh a tattoo on my arm and i'm not thrilled with it do you have a tattoo you don't know no dave no no i'm waiting for my first murder what's the tattoo on your arm john um it's i can't talk about why don't you be real once yeah be real once yeah oh i'm sorry zombie Dave. I am nothing but real, alright? Why don't you take off your sunglasses?

Yeah, are we playing poker? I have an eye infection. It seems like you're trying to cover up your tail. I'm trying to hide from you. Okay, okay. I was driving past Sephora, the makeup store.

Makeup store, and they had Kat Von D, the makeup artist from LA Inc. Oh, yes. And she is the spokesperson for this new kind of makeup. Or I guess it's not new makeup, but it's makeup to cover up your tattoos. Sorry. The poster was her.

And you couldn't see any of her tattoos anymore. She was all covered up. Have you seen those backstage photos? Go on. But it just looked photoshopped. It is because they showed the backstage while she was being touched up and

it looked like somebody covered in makeup. So Sorry. Yeah, this is really breaking you up Graham, are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay Do you want to take a sec? No, I'm good

I'm good You know what? You sounded upset I just want to push through this Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I want to get this Okay, yeah I just want to get this finished

Okay, yeah I just want to Are you okay? I just want to Oh, we're losing Graham here. He's back. It didn't look anything like what a human would look like. It looked like a character from Avatar.

It looked like she was a person without tattoos who was then beaten with reeds. Oh, Graham. Are you okay? Oh, you are back. I'm good. I'm good. But, uh,

it seemed, is that not weird? If somebody's like, spent, dedicates their whole life to being, I'm, I'm this thing and I'm all tattoos and that's my thing. And then she turns around and sells a way to cover them up.

Seems, seems like kind of a, uh, backwards business. Are you are you okay yeah it is interesting yeah you're right um but i guess money talks doesn't it yeah yeah people will compromise in the city that you live in kat vandy you could go down yeah you should get tomorrow la inc you could go i am going to los Angeles tomorrow. You can go and see her. Like in her tattoo parlor shop?

Yes, yes, yes. You could be on her show. I don't want to be on her show. Have you done any LA things? Have I done LA? Yeah, I went shopping. Yeah, we'll do Beverly Hills. No, I go to, there's a lot of places to go.

You know, okay, well, here's one thing I absolutely adore about the United States is that you can buy alcohol everywhere. That's true. It's unbelievable. What's it like in British Columbia? Can you buy it in corner stores? You can't, right? No, no. So Montreal, Quebec, you can.

Cold beer and wine stores. Right. And it's expensive. And it's like, okay, 2 a.m. on a Sunday night, I can go into a liquor store, a corner store, 7--Eleven grocery store, and buy beer or wine. That's great. And that is amazing to me. Yeah, I love that. That is great.

It is. You're a bit of a sommelier. That's a fancy word for alcoholic. Alcoholic. You know a lot about wines. Alcohol. I barely know her. That's not bad, actually.

Oh, we're losing John. Oh, we're losing John. You know what I was going to do? I wasn't sure if this would work or not. I just thought it would be fun. Nothing's worked so far. I know. Trying to save this sinking ship.

I know. My sister... This must be brutal, and I apologize to anybody listening, because even I'm fading in and out. Is it actually brutal? You don't make your guests feel at ease. Oh, really? Then what was that H.J. about before the show?

I'm sorry, but you are still wearing sunglasses. Why can't I wear sunglasses? Why can't you talk to a human wearing sunglasses? You've seen them before. Oh, sorry, sorry. There you go, David. Oh my god, his eyes are terrible. Put them back on.

For the listener, I just threw my sunglasses across the room. I thought this might be kind of fun. I don't even know if it's going to work. You have a teardrop tattoo. That's what I was hiding. That was the room. I thought this might be kind of fun. I don't even know if it's going to work. You have a teardrop tattoo. That's what I was hiding. That was the tattoo. It doesn't matter. I won't do it. Do it.

My sister is pregnant. When she got pregnant, she went on this diet that's supposed to like, like help the baby. I don't know the specifics, but I guess it's just supposed to have these nutrients,

whatever. But, anyway, we were shopping, excuse me, we were shopping and she was wearing white pants. This is not a,

it's not a good story. But anyway, I guess whatever food she was eating gave her anal leakage. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, so anyway, I know,

I know. Why? What? No, it's leading,uster? I know. Why? What? No, it's leading. I'll show you. I can stop now if you want. No, keep going. I guess.

Anyway. We're past it. So she, anyway, but so there was a little, what's known in the business as a stain on her pants. And so, and thoroughly embarrassed. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More to that.

But I gave her the nickname Butt mustard um because i'm classy and um so anyway um she hated it obviously yeah she's like embarrassed and everything but of course we've been pleasantly joking with each other over the last whatever how many years so um anyway she adamantly said you tell anyone i will kill you. So. Okay. But here's what I was thinking of doing. Because I know she's at home. If I was going to call her and then if you guys want to do this on the podcast and then I'll say, I'll put her on speakerphone.

So it'll be documented. Yeah. Podcast forever. And I'll just, I'll raise, I'll tell you guys when and I'll do a little small talk and then I'll be like, hey, remember when I told you I'd never tell anyone? And then you guys go, hi, butt mustard. Yeah. Is it stupid or do you want to do it? No, this is great. Make sure you hold the phone right up to the microphone.

Oh, I will. It'll be on it'll be on Okay, so wait for it. Let me just talk to her for a second. Sure. We're not even here. Hello? Hey, sis.

John? How are you? I said we have a miscarriage. Oh. We didn't even get a chance to say, hey, butt mustard. I thought we were going to say, hey, butt mustard. Show some class, Graham. Did you hear what just happened? No, I wasn't listening. Do you think that was a bit?

This is a mess. The diet didn't work. And now I'm not gonna be a dad. He knows how to make an exit. What? I feel like we're on Emmerdale. Is that a show? Is that a teen show?

Yeah. Okay. Where are my sunglasses? Did we just find a smoke break? I don't know, but we'll be right back. And we're back. Yeah. Joby Jooby.

That was what industry professionals would call a bit yeah it was a bit talk to my sister everything's good guys everything's good now oh god it was a misunderstanding she gets those words sorry no everything everything's. You know, she'll be fine. It's okay. We were talking out on the – just during the break about bits that have gone – like where you're like, I'm pretty sure this will work. And you have a lot of bits that are like – Really good.

Really, really good. Really good. Really, really good. Really funny. But then you were just kind of briefly discussing bits that were like, I'm pretty sure this will go okay as long as the timing's right on it. Yeah. And then it's not. Have you had more? You were talking about that bit and how it's success rate. Have you ever had one that you thought for sure was going to go really well

and then just horrible, horrible results? Everything I say pretty much works. Yeah. Always. Not always, but it's never failed. I'm not saying it will always work. I'm not saying everything I've said always works. It's just everything I've said has never failed me.

Yeah. But you can't read the future. If we're speaking – no, I can read the future. Oh, really? Yeah. What kind of pants? Watch out for the car tire, Graham. The car tire?

The rolling car tire. What year are we looking at here? Car tire. It's today. It's the year today uh it's circa today um i'm gonna start using circa uh for days of the week i think circa when do you want to go for lunch oh circa 1 p.m for the future circa fiveca five minutes ago. Oh my god, when... Oh, when did you get that? Oh, circa

Wednesday? I think that'll make you really popular with a lot of different groups of people. Historians. Futurists. Liberals. Native Americans

You're naming everyone No, no, no I've left out certain I haven't mentioned veterinarians But they're gonna like it There are Do you get veterinarians and pirates mixed up? How could you?

Yeah There were no veterinarians in the Caribbean One time I brought my dog in And I was asked to walk the plank So That confused me But your dog's name was the plank So

So I walked on the plank Does your vet have a Parrot on her shoulder? Yeah Do you think pirates have parrots Just because it sounds similar? Yes Well I don't think First of all i don't think they ever had parrots i think that was something that somebody made up along the way and then everybody was like yeah i'm pretty sure that's a fact i pretty sure they had parrots yeah yeah well okay why is there a reason why

they would have a parrot let's talk about that for a second what is the benefit of having a parrot on your shoulder besides companionship? When you see somebody in modern times wearing a parrot on their shoulder, what does that signify to you? Mental illness. Yes, exactly. Walking down the street. Personified mental illness. Yes.

Walking down the street, yes. So is that – that's the only – like I don't think the high-functioning pirates would have them. Oh, I see what you're saying. Okay, so the crazy pirates. Yeah, like mentally ill pirates would have them. Yeah, wacky peg leg. Now, here's something. I noticed that more and more people are bringing dogs into stores.

It's just become acceptable for some reason. I never remember this being okay. I don't know. Let's say 10, 15 years ago. But now everyone are bringing – and I'm talking like in a Best Buy. Really? Maybe it's Los Angeles. I don't know.

But I'm seeing dogs absolutely everywhere. I saw – when I was at a store – And they bark in there. I don't know. And they wear it sometimes. I want to bring cats in. Just like a bag of cats and let them go. And they wear it sometimes. I want to bring cats in. Just like a bag of cats. And let them go. Like, oh, sorry.

A falcon. I want to bring a falcon. With the little hood on it. And then just take it off. Let it circle the store while you're purchasing. And some people say, oh, it's a guide dog. Yeah. Why is there a blind person in Best Buy?

TVs. Not buying a TV. That was not a bit. I can't trust you anymore. You can trust me. But we were talking about bits that didn't work. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or that just went horribly awry.

Oh, of course. I mean, yeah. I remember seeing... I'm not going to... I'll talk about someone else, but I saw the zombie bit the other night. Did that work? It worked to me.

But yeah, I think any time... Yeah, I don't know. It's hard to talk about, I think. Yeah, no, I don't... Like the idea of calling, getting the audience to think that you're going to call your sister and we're going to have a fun little prank.

And then you find out... she's had a miscarriage. But they're excited to say the word, butt mustard. Yeah, that's gone wrong. That's gone wrong. That's been weird before. So, yeah. I don't know. You live with...

You make your bed, you lie in it, right? Yeah, exactly. What were we talking about? We were talking about bits gone wrong. Well, what about you guys? Bits gone wrong. Things where... No, I'm like you.

Nothing's ever gone wrong. Right. It's been... No, I've had lots of bits. I don't really do bits anymore. What do you mean? I saw you tell bits last night. No's been... I don't really do bits anymore. What do you mean? I saw you tell bits last night. No, I don't really tell bits.

I do a lot of stories for my life. I do a lot of political. Yeah, Dave's a very political man. I'm more of a truth teller. Do a little bit of your bit about Blackwater. What's the deal with Blackwater, guys? Have you drank the stuff? I mean, Blackwater. What's the deal with Blackwater, guys? Have you drank the stuff? I mean, Blackwater...

Hey, Blackwater. Jason Bourne wants his identity back. Pretty good. Wow. That was pretty good. Dave, I was telling you a joke last night. That was great. Did that sound like a sneeze?

Because I'm supposed to foley a sneeze next week. Yeah. Okay. Do a sneeze where somebody's holding in the sneeze. Go. Okay. Ready? Cup of chew.

Cup of chew is what you're supposed to say, but say it quickly. Cup of chew. Cup of chew. Cup of cheww is what you're supposed to say, but say it quickly. Cup of Chew. Cup of Chew. Cup of Chew. Yeah, it's like when you're mouthing words and you're supposed to pretend like you're talking, but you're just... Yeah, what are you supposed to say? Rhubarb, I think? Or Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Kentucky Fried Chicken, yeah. I thought like a crowd of people, like a murmur is like rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb. Let's try one right now. Rhubarb. Would you ever... Graham. Rhubarb. Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb. Let's try one right now. Rhubarb. Would you ever... Cram. Rhubarb. Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb,

rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb. Would you ever, if you had... And I know you've got... Oh, here we go. You know me so well. Wait, you were about to tell me a joke from last night. It's okay. No, no, no, no, no, no.

If you had the money and the time, would you set up like you would go like a restaurant and you would take somebody out on a date but have paid everybody in the restaurant to just do rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb and have like extras? This kind of thing like if you – OK. You know when you've made it financially? Yeah. Like if it's like, OK, clearly you have money coming in and you have so much of it. Like MC Hammer. Right. And you want to do something with it to say, I can do whatever I want.

Yeah. That would be the kind of thing. Of course. Or have a pool party where a grizzly bear wrestles a great white shark. But something that says, clearly I've made it and I can waste money on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a fun game to play, maybe. What would you do?

Money's no object. You're going to have a party. What's the main attraction? Okay. Food with mustaches. Right? And drip drop penis tattoos. David, you are living.

drop penis tattoos. David, you are living. I would shoot a buffalo in my living room and not care about it. That kind of thing. Shotgun. Oh, I hire people to get it up. Not my problem. You hire people. Would you leave it there?

No, no. You take it out. No, and you use every piece. Yeah, you're supposed to use every piece. Yeah, you should use every piece of the buffalo after you've shot it in the face. I used to hunt buffalo by chasing them off cliffs. They're so dumb. What happened to their heads? What's that?

What happened to their heads? What do you mean? There's a place called Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump. Oh, there is a place. Yeah, that's right. It's a place within all of us. That's true. That's a good way of looking at it. There's a place within all of us. That's true. That's a good way of looking at it.

That's the place in my heart, head smashed in, buffalo jump. You were talking about a joke that you were going to... Oh, it doesn't matter. No, it's just whatever. You know, like... Who is that, Graham? I don't know. Is this the character I'm working on?

What's his or her name? Josephine. Can I hear her again? Whatever. Can I hear him again? No, it's a hermaphrodite. Best kind. Let's hear her again.

Whatever. She's the new Madea. Tyler Perry. That guy is on fire. That guy's got shoot buffalo money. Yes. Are we allowed to burp? Yeah.

Or you know what I'd do? I'd fill a pool with Jell-O and have Geddy Lee sing the national anthem. And I would dive into the Jell-O. I've actually thought of this before, diving into a pool of Jell-O. Yeah. Okay. And how fun it would feel to have like gelatinous jello. Like a jello?

Actually, a gelatin. We're not using the trade name, are we? Sure, yeah. Dive into like cherry gelatin and just feel yourself caught, suspended in this jello. But could you get out? Probably not. What do you think would happen? Well, you'd die. But that would be a great suicide,

you know, as it goes in the top five. But if your attempt was not to die, it was like, I want to feel what this is like. It'd be just like, you know, like a grape suspended in Jell-O. If you could, yeah, you wouldn't die. If you could afford to have your pool filled with Jell-O and hire Geddy Lee,

you could probably hire someone to get you out of the pool. Yeah, pull you out. But how do you get out? Unless you blew all your budget. You could probably hire someone to get you out of the pool. But how do you get out? Unless you blew all your budget. With ropes around your legs so they yank you out? Could you swim through the Jell-O? Yeah, with a pool skimmer. Guys, am I overthinking this?

Not at all. When you were a kid, did you ever have the class assignment? I was never a kid. Oh, really? Yeah, I skipped. No, I was, but was never a kid. Oh, really? Yeah, I skipped. No, no, I was. But I did. I never turned 13.

But go on. Weird. Did you ever have the class assignment where you, like, design your dream house? I don't know. And it always had a water slide. I can't remember. I don't think we had that. Water slides going up and down? Yeah.

Ones that you could slide up into the house? That would be... That would be... How come there's no up water slides physics probably gravity well yeah but that didn't stop us from going to the moon or going out on the porch

so you need to put on rocket boots to go up your slide then or have a spring loaded thing that shoots somebody up a slide you're right we've conquered gravity yeah right no offense do you uh do you have you been on a water slide as an adult when is the last time i was on a water slide and you're talking about like just like a like a no like at a water park oh like a huge water park water slide. Yeah. No. It's weird.

I haven't been on one in a long time. No, me neither. You? They're pretty scary. No, no, no. They're not scary. I remember going really fast on that thing. It's mostly uncomfortable because they're not...

They're not smooth. Yeah, they're not a perfect piece of plastic. They're all molded badly. Yeah, and they're drilled together. It was scary. Mine was a haunted water slide. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Yeah, and they're drilled together. It was scary. Mine was a haunted water slide. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

The sincerity of Dave will kill you. But no, it was very scary. There were ghouls and ghosts. And yeah, it was very terrifying. Was the whole water park haunted or just one specific slide? I think, if I may... It was called the Hama Slide. And it was very scary. CSI's new H may... It was called the Homma Slide. And it was very scary.

CSI's new Homma Slide. There was the Sue-a Slide. Hardly anyone came back from that one. They went into a giant thing of Jell-O. There was nobody to pull them off. No, they feed you a bottle of pills and then push you down the slide. It's awful. It's actually very sad.

Let's change this. Yeah, I think it was a... Well, because you... Either you're a kid or you're an adult that has kids. Those are the only two scenarios that work for Waterpark. I guess, yeah. I mean... Or you're a drunk teenager.

Drunk teenager, like you want to... Like it's something where the guys and girls can go together. Yeah. You know? Yeah, everybody can have fun. On the weekend have fun because for the most part the girls are in the malls and the guy actually guys are in the malls too yeah but girls are doing their makeup and their makeup too oh um yeah but water park i remember going as part of okay i was a latchkey kid both parents worked don't worry about me guys i'll be fine um but when uh we had uh a pd day did you call it professional development development day yeah okay brody day pro professional day you know whatever whatever a broad day prod my parents would both be working so they would have to find a place for me To go

Me and my sister So we would go to this day camp thing And yeah they would take us on excursions like that And one was the water slide So I think that was probably the last time I was there So that's another Example of We're peeling back the layers here

The whole time you were saying it I was waiting for that that this was going to turn into some sort of bit about your no it's not i don't want to slide no no no i i just that's uh yeah that would be the last time i went to a water slide i remember it being really fun but i remember the slides being scary like it was fast i remember going like i don't think i like it the lineup's forever you get up there you zip down you are standing in a lineup in basically your underwear for a long time with everyone else in their underwear yeah which doesn't happen again until you're in a lineup at the police station many years down the road it helps if you want to practice some people

public speaking your public speaking oh right because, right. Because it gives you easy access to picturing people in there. Right. Yeah. Thank you. That's true. Did you ever go, and we may have talked about this at one point, but like a wave pool or a water park where you had a locker and then you had to wear the key? Yeah, I think we talked about that.

With a pin? Sean LaCombe. Yeah, yeah. Sean LaCombe, that's right. Because he would go and steal from people's lockers while they were swimming he's a terrible person sean lecomber but uh that inevitably that pin was not super secure and would sometimes just open and then just give you a gaping flesh wound right in your bathing suit area. Oh, okay, now I see what you're talking about. Would you attach it to the crotch, Graham?

What's that? I would put it right where my penis was. Because I always wore a Speedo. And that was the only place that I had a ton of extra fabric. I remember wearing it around my wrist. It was like a key for your locker around your wrist.

They'd have those too. Which would, in a weird way, be more dangerous because you think you can get that in the eye when you're doing the breaststroke. Yeah, that's true. Easily true. Tried to open my head. Did you ever have, on a water slide,

where somebody would stomp? A kid would, like, on purpose, block themselves off, and then you would come around the corner and then it would become... The cholesterol kid. Right? That's awful.

That's terrible. He should be in prison getting tattoos. Because that could hurt someone. What would the tattoo be for I blocked up a water slide? Would it be a teardrop but it goes like like a twisty twist and a loop-de-loo down your face yeah it'd be a teardrop teardrop and a teardrop uh a teardrop water slide and then a lineup of people tattooed on their face going up

in their underwear going up to your eyebrow and then you blink and that's where the slide begins into the mouth which is the pool right and then you fill your mouth. And then you blink, and that's where the slide begins. Into the mouth, which is the pool, right? And then you fill your mouth with water, and you can actually occupy time in prison. You can pretend. I just acted something out. That's pretty good, though.

I just ran with your idea. Yeah. I would like to see that on stage this evening, if that's at all possible. Let's write a whole new set right now for both of us I want mine to be about my crazy Italian family okay

and just how crazy it is for me because my dad is he'll wear loafers and sweatpants he doesn't care one day my dad got up and he was on the couch for so long the plastic wrap was stuck in his butt. He walked, and he had plastic coming out of his butt.

It was crazy. Italian heritage. David, are you telling jokes tonight? No, I'm not. You're not on a show tonight? I'm taking the night off. Did they cancel you tonight because of the zombie joke last night yes they did um are you gonna come out tonight uh or no i don't feel that i will okay is that okay of course it is it's whatever you

want to do yeah i know yeah i gotta get started packing yeah i was gonna say dave's moving so the podcast is moving yeah this is actually this, this will be the last podcast recorded in this location. It will. This is special. So you guys feel free to take a piece. When you walk out. Take something with you. I'm going to take this laptop.

I'm going to take your dog. I'm going to take Grandpa. You don't have a dog down in Africa? No, I don't have a dog, no. I've never had a pet. Never? Well, no. Pardon me. I've never had a dog down in Africa No I don't have a dog I've never had a pet Well no pardon me

I've never had a dog I used to walk around with a parrot No every animal we had growing up was caged We had a budgie We had a hamster We had a zebra We had a budgie A budgie

A hamster And a zebra No One more time We had a budgie, a hamster, and a zebra. No. One more time. Okay, here we go. We had a budgie. Is that right? We had a hamster.

Just two things? No, no, no. We also had a zebra. No, no, no. We had a giraffe. Dressed as a zebra. How could you get a giraffe home from the pet store? In the chimney.

Sunroof? Yeah. Easy. Jerks. So we had a budgie, a hamster, and a zebra. No. We had a budgie, a hamster. No one's listening anymore.

No. That's true. And we had a zebra. No, no, anymore. No. That's true. And we had a zebra. No, no, no. Guys, we didn't have a budgie. We had a... No, we didn't have a budgie named Bo. We had a guinea pig.

I can't remember the guinea pig's name, but we also had a hamster named... And I named it Indiana Jones. Yeah. Seriously. Now, that's a true story. But all caged animals Never like my

Yeah we couldn't have a dog Like I said Latchkey kids Why couldn't you have a dog? Too much responsibility I think my dad was smart enough To realize it would have Gotten neglected

And it would just be The parent's pet Not the kid's pet Right Yeah that kind of thing So now you're But you're an adult man now Are you

Thank you Do you have any Well hey Yeah I hope I'm not the first to have said that. No, no, no, no, no. You're the third.

But no, I have no desire to have a dog. I feel like it's weird to have a pet. Like, isn't it hard? Like, you have to come home. You got to feed it. Doesn't it dominate your life

a little bit, David? It would be hard doing it by myself. But it's a great thing to share with a loved one and is it fun like you like like you like grandpa it's fun to take him out and it's fun to walk him it's fun uh he's great at cuddling yeah but that's part of it you're on the couch watching tv yeah grandpa comes up and yeah yeah it's it's it's a it's a great life it seems like a lot to me i think that's the problem i feel i'm in the same camp like i could never have my own and it's a great life. It seems like a lot to me. I think that's the problem. I feel I'm in the same camp.

I could never have my own. And it's strange to have an animal wandering around your house, don't you think? In a way. Although we're animals wandering around our house. It is strange that there's a... And that zebra got out of its cage that one time. Oh, God, it was crazy. Crazy.

Crazy. You're in a hurry. It's crazy. I'm not in a hurry it's craze yeah I'm not in a hurry well you can't finish crazy by choice okay

I'm in a hurry to talk with you guys tomorrow because I like it um I like you guys a lot I wanna make love to you but

in a conversation way like phone sex I gotta stop singing that's probably bad to just start singing like no you know what glee is very popular high school musical is very popular yes that's what you're doing down in la you're trying to manufacture some sort of i thought you were saying glee like like being gleeful is popular right now yeah that's what i meant what do you

think i mean well no because i yeah i know you mean the television show oh i don't own a television oh that's craze um you should get one they're pretty good they're pretty good you are there people now this is the thing in vancouver often you'll run a kind of across people that don't have televisions and they just they're like that's not part of my life does that ever happen in la because it doesn't feel like a town where you could not have a television. Blind people. Oh yeah, that's true.

The blind guy from Best Buy. Yeah, poor people can't afford one. That's true. Are you hanging

out with a lot of poor people? No way, man. No way, gay. You crazy? I got a rep.

Do you ever hang out with the cast of The Hills? I have twice. Twice I have. Is Spencer as bratty as he seems? What a brat. I am so cool.

I am currently hanging out with the cast of The Hills. Street blues. Actors. Some Sipowitz. Dennis Fronds. Most of them are dead, we're hanging out Telling stories Pretty cool

Have you seen any celebrities? Oh yeah of course Yeah You see Who did I see Danny Bonaduce The dude You did

Did you really? Oh yeah Il Duce Saw Eric Estrada In a Starbucks The Strad Saw Will Ferrell At the airport

I don't know who that is I knew the first two names. Who else? Yeah, you see people all the time. Yeah? Does it just become boring? Or was it ever not boring? Well, it's never really...

I've never really been excited about the idea of... Seeing a celebrity. I don't think I am, yeah. No, neither... But, like, I think... Is there a novelty to it? It's like that's the town where it all goes down It's like that's the town where it all goes down. Sorry.

It's the town where it all goes down. That's what it says on the sign when you drive in. The town where it all goes down. And so, yeah, it doesn't seem surprising, I don't think, no. No. And I don't really, I would not be the kind of person where I'd be like, watch Erika Strada, let's see what he orders. Is there a celebrity that if you saw them, person where you're like a watch erica strata let's see what he orders and then let me is there

a celebrity that if you saw them uh or if you had to interact with them that they would make you nervous oh all the time who you know it is it's more people it's more not even really celebrities but i think people like you know like in a weird way kind of like the paul f tompkins or like yeah do you know like the people where you watch mr show it's like oh this is brilliant and amazing i love it and then you kind of see these people and there yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like the people where you watch Mr. Show, it's like, oh, this is brilliant and amazing. I love it. And then you kind of see these people and there's a little bit of like, well, you genuinely did kind of influence what I want to talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I think those people are more intimidating than – Eric Estrada. I mean, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You? No, I'm the exact same way. I think the first time that I met people like that

like actually the kind of the most nervous I think in a long time was Janine Garofalo when she was here

a couple years ago because I remember watching her when I was very when I was watching a lot of stand up and I thought she was really funny

and really smart and it's always a weird scenario where because these are great down to earth people in a weird way that come to the Vancouver Comedy Festival.

I mean, they're very approachable, and they're hanging out in the same kind of venues. And then you meet a Garofalo, and you know so much more about her than she would know about you. Not always. David? She's a listener, I think. Yeah, she's a big fan of the podcast.

You know what I mean, right? Yeah, no, meeting somebody where, like, it's somebody that you, yeah, that affected how you perform or whatever. That's, yeah, that's weird. And you're put into a very conversational environment with them, and it's, I don't know. But that's a weird feeling. I don't know. Like, I usually, I try not to care, really, for the most part, don't. But, yeah, I don't. That would be more awkward for me

than, I don't know, like a Kiefer Sutherland kind of thing. Yeah, just somebody who is famous. I think it would be very weird to... I think if I met Brad Pitt, I don't think I would care about that.

That doesn't strike me as something weird. I would imagine that would just be like... Yeah, like a guy who's... I think I would care about that That doesn't strike me as something But I would imagine that would just be like Yeah like a guy who's I think I would watch him from a distance And like what you said about See what he ordered Would you then order what he ordered Brad Pitt's drinking a Fresca Would you then start drinking Fresca

No I would always associate Fresca with Brad Pitt though So if someone ordered a Fresca Would you say I saw Brad Pitt order a Fresco once? Yeah. You could probably just say that without having seen Brad Pitt do that. You could just say that at any given time. I don't lie for fun. No, it's not for fun, but to make yourself seem cooler than the person you're with.

Let me say it, and you guys tell me how cool I am. If I seem cooler. Wait. Are we in a restaurant? We're here right now. No. Can we create a little bit for the listener? I'll be the waiter.

You'd be the waiter. Dave's the waiter. Can you give us some sound effects, restaurant sound effects? Yeah. Oh, I dropped. Oh, God, guys. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's all over my pants. It is all over my pants. I'm really sorry, guys. Well, no. Oh my god. It's all over my pants. It is all over my pants. I'm really sorry, guys. Well, no. You know who's going to be sorry? Your manager who's going to take care of my dry cleaning bill. I'm sure he will. I really apologize. Hey, you're ordering what Brad Pitt orders.

You tell zombie jokes on the weekends. Not always. Okay. Once. Anyway, in that scene, I played the guy that parks cars. I was outside. The valet. No, no, no.

Not a valet. So you're the guy who steals cars. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm not French. You ended the scene. We're done with the scene? No.

No, I just wanted to... Get to the fresca line. We're doing credits. It was obvious what roles you guys were playing. I was just saying. Okay. You're the guy who breaks into cars and breaks fourth walls. Do you ever have an afternoon beer and you feel like shit's going to go down?

Like it changes your outlook for the rest of the day? Yes. Am I an alcoholic? I don't know. I don't think i am but i mean uh you know the first beer in the afternoon where it just like you feel it in your blood yeah and it reaches your extremities and maybe you're just a lightweight that's probably it that's probably that's probably what's going on okay um so you so obviously your meal will be on the house,

and we'll take care of your dry cleaning. Before you go, could I get a fresca? Oh, you won't believe who ordered a fresca. The late Don Rickles. Hey, I just broke into this car! Oh, by the way, I killed Don Rickles. You thought he was alive. That explains your teardrop tattoo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I killed him in prison. He was on a tour. And I beat him to death with a club. You know, I heard this story on a water slide once. Kid clogged the center of it. I tried to calm down. I guess we're we can wrap up.

Yeah. Well. You know. It was. Take one. Well, you didn't give us any restaurant sound effects to layer underneath that scene. I forgot that was my job. I'm so sorry.

You're a foley artist. That was my responsibility. I think the falling cup was really, really good. Well, Dave kind of took over the Foley work himself. We didn't have a lot of work to do in post because Dave did it live. Some people chopping their steak. I'll give you a little bit of background conversation first so you can edit this in. I'll cut it in.

Let me do some background conversation. Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, Cut that in. What else do you need? Do you need like knives and forks clanking? Some chewing, maybe? Some drinking? Hey, waiter.

Hey, waiter. Okay. Check, please. Check, please. Check, please. Cut that in. And then I'll do a little bit. I'll just do... Background music.

No, because there could be Chinese or twigs being used, right? So you need a little bit of chopstick noise here, right? Chong, chong. Chong, ching, chong. Chong, chong. All right. Bye, bye. Stop it.

What do you mean? Come on. Stop it. Come on. Come on. Come on. You know you're better than that. What do you mean?

I don't want to explain it. That's the best sound effect I have ever... I am so sorry. I didn't realize. I think what you mean to say is... No, I didn't realize. It's me so sorry. All right.

Well, I think that's as good a note as any to... No, no, let's do a different ending. Let's do a different ending. Okay, alternate ending. This is for the DVD extras for the Easter eggs that was great I enjoyed myself

thank you very much for having me on the podcast thanks for being on the podcast you guys are two peas on a podcast not bad where can people find you on the internet pearljam.com you're doing a lot of promo for them i changed my website i wasn't getting enough hits i wasn't getting enough hits at john door.com so i actually surprisingly got

pearl jam.com they did surprising and i bought.org as well to be safe so they don't have it what do Dot TV Dot CA Oh really? Dot-ka But thank you so much, genuinely If I can be genuine, which I always am But you guys think I'm not, I know Thank you very much For your hospitality, David And if this is the last podcast in this home

It smells a lot better this time around Yeah, it does Like Coming up, smell like roses That haven't been in your ass this home um it smells a lot better this time around yeah it does like like um coming up smell like roses that haven't been in your ass so that's good we thought we were going to talk about that oh no yeah i didn't talk about anything okay good i alluded sure the manager didn't say anything about illusions he's a master of them. We appreciate your company and thank you so much for being here.

I'm taking time out of your time. I wasn't missing anything today except maybe one thing, but that's okay. Oh. Right? Yeah. But thanks for showing up. Do you think,

are you going to include my sister's phone call in the podcast? Probably. Put that in there. Should we put it in now to end off the podcast as well? No. One more time to end the podcast. Let's just hear the phone call portion of me calling my sister.

Have a great night, San Antonio. And for all our listeners not in San Antonio thank you very much for listening and joining us here again next week you can check us out on the internet we're at stoppodcastyourself.com and if you want to reach us

our number is 206-339-8328 and you can email us at stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com and thank you very much for listening and tune in for another thrilling episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.