Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 855 - Emily Woods

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

Comedian Emily Woods joins us to talk schemes, the Olympics, and Berlin sex clubs.

Hi, he's Dave Schumke. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 855 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who does, he does a really spooky monster voice, Mr. Dave Schumke. You don't know about it.

It sounds like a swamp creature or something from the scene. It's a rascal. It's some kind of rascal guy. It's a goblin I think. Oh shit! That is a goblin. Oh, it's a rascal. It's I'm gonna rascal guy. It's a goblin. I think that is a goblin We crack it. We're recording this on a Monday morning a morning a very rare I mean we do mornings quite often. Yeah, but Monday morning, you know feels I finally Get it what Garfield? Yeah. I downed a lasagna before he came here. So I try to balance myself

I pushed a dog off a cat. So it's so The hold Garfield has over an entire day of the week. Yeah, and you think that Jim Davis would be the richest man alive. He owns Monday. Yeah, it's like in that movie Trailer one of the guys says like the NFL owns a whole day of the week now if you ask me I think it is Garfield that owns he owns Monday NFL doesn't own Monday do they only have Monday night football mmm Garfield mostly it's the mornings I think but the NFL is a Sunday Sunday thing but what is what movie is it any given Sunday yeah no or Concussion or something like that. Oh, sure. Or 80 for Brady.

Hahaha. Is that the one where it's a bunch of ladies getting together to fuck Tom Brady? I guess they want to fuck Tom Brady. Yeah. But they don't. They don't? Well, they may be fuck-Gronk. Hahaha.

Oh my god. It ends with their funerals. Oh, our guest today, first time guest here to the podcast, very funny comedian. If you ever see her live, ask to buy a sticker because they're really good. Please welcome Emily Woods. Hello, Emily. Hello. How are you? I'm good. I'm so sorry to make you do it on a Monday morning.

I just have a fairy to go cat and mouse. No, no, no, we're happy to do it. Yeah. But it's just, you know, it's not just a saying. No, and it's just like, you know, Mondays do, they're rough. Yeah. Sunday was pretty good and watched 60 Minutes, you know, and tuned in. Who is who?

Is there any original team on 60 Minutes? I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it in a while. Is Morley Safer is that one of them? I think he's dead. Oh, shit. I think Morley Safer is dead. Is that Bradley dead? Oh, Ed Bradley, I think itley Saver's dead. Is Ed Bradley dead? Oh, Ed Bradley, I think, has been dead for a year. Michael...

Winslow? Winslow. No, the sound effects segment. They replaced Andy Rooney with Michael Winslow? You hear a lot about helicopters in the news. Brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr. Ha ha ha. Well, let's get to know us.

Okay. Get to know us. Have you ever watched 60 Minutes? Okay, I watched 60 Minutes only because my family would watch the Amazing Race every Sunday, and I just remember the sound of the clock. And yeah. Michael Winslow was doing it. 60 Minutes would always run late into the Amazing Grace.

Oh, because of football probably pushed 60 Minutes. And I would lose it every time. It's, what are they called? Like a news magazine show? Yeah. Yeah. It was, I would watch it, but I feel like the fun story was always third.

Yeah, I always watched, well, 60 Minutes was usually opposite of The Simpsons, I think, so I wouldn't watch it. But I would watch. I would tape it in the browser later. I would watch 2020 on Friday nights because it was after TGIF. Right, and you're still rolling that high off of TGIF.

I don't know. Where are you from? Where did you grow up? I know the answer. What is it? Red Deer, Alberta. Red Deer, Alberta, yeah, that's true. I grew up in Red Deer.

I was born in Kelowna. Nice. Been to a lot of places. Nice. Hopping around. But yeah, I was in Red Deer until I was 18 years old, but it really wasn't the place for me. Is Red Deer between Edmonton and Calgary?

Yeah. Yeah. You got RDTV there? Yeah, yeah, we do. When I was in broadcasting school, we did like a broadcasting tour of BC and Alberta. And we went to a station in Calgary, we went to a station in Edmonton, and the place in Edmonton where they make

all the commercials for the brick. Oh! And the studio where SCTV shot for one year. And then we went to Red Deer in between and went there, watched a newscast, and the woman doing the weather had been on the show The Lofters. Oh, yeah. I remember that. I don't know it. It was ahead of its time. Yeah, it was like Big Brother,

but it was like in the year 2000, and it was Canadian. Okay. Yeah, and it was the thing. And now she's a legitimate journalist. Yeah. In Red Deer, so I don't know if it's legitimate. Well, now she's a national journalist. Oh, whoa.

Yeah, Carolyn Jarvis. Oh, thank God she got out. Yeah, CJ. Yeah, what's a Pascal's brand butt calls Red Deer home of the pointless fight? Yeah. Yeah. Is it, I went there sometimes when I was a kid for my brother's like lacrosse tournament.

Did you go to the donut mill? No, what the hell? Oh, that's usually the only place people go because it's in the aptly named gasoline alley. So outside of Red Deer, there's just the alley with all the gas stations off the highway. And there's a donut restaurant that's shaped like a gigantic windmill.

Shit. Yeah. Oh, I never went. Yeah, it's called the donut mill. I went to high school with the kid whose parents owned it. Nice. So- What high school did you go to? I went to Hunting Hills High School. Nice. Yeah, yeah.

And- How many high schools in Red Deer? There went to Hunting Hills High School. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't remember. How many high schools in Red Deer? There's three. There's the Catholic school, the public school, and the French immersion school. I went to the public school, but they all had their own problems. Like the French immersion school had a weed problem.

The public school had a cocaine problem. Oh my God. And the Catholic school had a pregnancy problem. Oh my God. So it was beautiful. Hard to pick between the three. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where do I wanna go next year? You think the French school had a pregnancy problem. Oh my god. So it was beautiful. Hard to pick between the three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where do I wanna go next year?

You think the French school would have like a smoking problem. Yeah, a wine problem. Yeah, a bicycle problem. Yeah, yeah. Striped shirt problem. They're just doing mime all the time. They went on strike.

Silent over there. I had a silent strike. Is like, there were only three schools. Were there sports teams? Yeah, I didn't mess around with those though. I did a competitive improv. Oh, okay. But we would take the sports bus,

so we would drive to Edmonton on the... Oh, that's kind of fun. It wouldn't be just the three schools in town going against each other. No, that was just sad. So we get shipped out to Edmonton on the bus that all our bullies would ride on. But then we would get it for one day.

You're like, this is how the other half went. Yeah, we were like, oh, we're living big. Little traces of cocaine all over. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was wild. But there were always donuts at school at all the events because of the kid with the donut milk connection. Yeah.

Listen, I can hook you up with donuts. Yeah, we had a donut plug. What does a donut cost? It's like 60 cents? Oh, way more now. Like a buck 25 at least. Even like Horton's? Yeah, even at Horton's.

There's no, nobody's, cause like Costco hot dog. That's the only thing that's. A fancy donut is now, of course a fancy donut is gonna be a few dollars. Yeah. Oh, fancy donuts are gonna run you like 10 bucks. Yeah, man.

Yeah. What's the JJ Bean now has donuts? I know. I haven't had them, are they good? I don't know. I'm gonna have one of them. Okay. Oh. Maybe you'll grab one on them, are they good? I don't know. I'm gonna have one of them. Okay.

Oh. Maybe you'll grab one on the way out. Yeah, I can do that. Do a little taste comparison. Take a little donut on the ferry. Yeah. Okay, I have a scheme for the ferry. All right.

She came with a scheme. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got a ferry scheme. I only sit in the sea west lounge. Okay. Yeah. What's that? Okay, it's very uppity. So for people who are not from here, the ferry is a boat that you take from Vancouver to Vancouver Island. Yeah. What's that? Okay, it's very uppity. So for people who are not from here,

the ferry is a boat that you take from Vancouver to Vancouver Island, and you can drive your car on, or you can just walk on. Or you can hitch on a semi-trop. But it's like a large boat. There's hundreds of people on the boat. Yeah, it's the only way to get over there. It's insane sometimes I get in my head about it,

living on the island. I'm like, if a disaster happened, what do we do? No one's coming for you. No one's coming for us, we're done. You could probably make some sort of styrofoam outfit and kind of float over to another island. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, like start making it now so you have it in.

Yeah. You need it. Yeah, definitely. And wear it every day just in case. Yeah, I used to work on this gigantic sauna boat that was on an old naval barge. What was that? They built saunas on it. Oh, they built them?

Yeah. So it was like a Nordic spa on a gigantic naval barge. Whoa. I still don't understand. It's very, it's just simply that. They got an old military barge and then some white guys bought it and they were like, we gotta throw some saunas on this thing. So is it, were they building them or were people saunaying on there?

Like they built the saunas and then people come and saunas on it. So I worked when it was a spa. Oh, okay. It wasn't like this is the boat we're going to build saunas on, like to ship out to the world. No, it wasn't like this is the boat we're gonna build saunas on. Like to ship out to the world. No, it's permanent. Oh, okay. But my boss always told me. It's anchored or is it anchored?

Yeah, it's anchored. It doesn't sail around. So he always told me if there's ever a tsunami, like I just gotta get on the boat. The sauna boat, yeah. And it'll just ride it out. Yeah. So, yeah. Big tsunami energy over there.

Yeah. Yeah. We're always worried. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. Big tsunami energy over there. Yeah. Yeah. We're always worried. Yeah. Yeah. And although the tsunami would be on the other side of the island, it would hit you. Yeah, we'd probably be okay in Victoria. Yeah. But if the big one hits, I don't know about Vancouver. I don't know about anything. No, me neither. Isn't Vancouver Island just like held up by a twig underwater? Yeah, it could just tip the whole thing tipped over That'd be a big disaster Yeah, it'd be crazy So you hang out in the sea west lounge? Yeah

Yeah, so the ferry and the sea west lounge is so the sea west lounge is the private lounge on the ferry And lots of people think of it as like very upper-class and uppity it costs $14. Yeah, that's it. And you get free coffee and snacks and magazines and everyone has to be silent. Mmm. So it's like the maple leaf flowers at the airport. Yeah, but it's a game changer and no one ever wants to do it when I go there. I always do it. It's amazing. Yeah, I love it. Is it on every boat? No, always do it. It's amazing. I love it.

Is it on every boat? No, the smaller ones don't have it. No. Did it used to be the buffet? I think the buffet is still there. The buffet is still there, but it's not in use. Yeah. You're not allowed to go in there.

It could be maybe a second tier of the Sea West Lamp. That would be incredible. Like, you know, there's one you go on, it's 14, but then if you go downstairs, it's 20. I have to be extra silent. Yeah. I would love that. Like, you know, there's one you go on, it's 14, but then if you go downstairs, it's 20. I have to be extra silent. Yeah. I would love that. Like, Bird Box?

No. What is the one called? Don't Speak a Word. Don't Speak a Word. Oh, yes. Don't Speak a Word. John Krasinski's Don't Speak a Word. I think it's just called Shh.

What's Bird Box? That's the one where you have to wear a mask? That's the one you can't see. Yeah. Is Sandra Bullock? Yeah. I never saw it. you can't see. Yeah, is Sandra Bullock?

Yeah, I never saw it. I didn't see it either. I'm not interested in the premise. I'm not interested in seeing beautiful people doing like in bleak situations. Yeah, I know. I want them to be in comfortable situations. Just show me. I'm just watching House of Gucci over and over. Yeah, I remember there's a movie that came out like only on the film circuit. I don't think it was ever released.

Whereas Ryan Reynolds in a casket. Oh yeah. He'd been buried alive. Yeah, no this came out. Did it? Yeah. Oh man, it's just everybody that saw it was like, why did you make this?

And that was the whole movie? Yeah, him trying to escape out of a coffin. Ew. Coffin or casket? I guess he was a vampire, I don't know. I don't know the difference. Yeah. It's interesting that they're making movies

where the premise is that you lose a sense. A sense, that's the word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, why are they doing that? What's next? Smell. Like, don't taste? Don't taste.

Just be walking around trying to eat. Wasn't there one called Blind a few years ago about everyone got blind at the same time and everyone protested it because it was like depicted blind people in a pretty bad way. They're just walking into a wall. Yeah, I can see it.

But I don't like a movie where everybody has to be quiet the whole time. Dude, I want some dialogue. But I don't like a movie where everybody has to be quiet the whole time. I want some dialogue. Sure, but what about a movie theater where people have to be quiet the whole time? I'd pay extra $14 for that. Oh yeah.

What kind of magazines do they have? They kind of have like Zoomer, I feel like they have Zoomer mag. I like reading a Cosmo. Oh yeah, Cosmo? Yeah, an old Cosmo. Like they have old magazines in there. Oh sure.

And you like crack it open. Yeah, and you get the weird sex tips. 14 tips on how to please Humphrey Bogart. I couldn't think of an old guy. I love reading a Cosmo in public, cause they're just smut, but it's socially acceptable for some reason. Yeah.

What, how old, like 2000s still? But it's socially acceptable for some reason. Yeah. What? How old? Like, 2000s still? Yeah, like usually they'll just be in the past like three years if they're in the C-West lounge. Yeah. Because they're still keeping it up to date. Sure.

Yeah. You're paying $14. They have subscriptions to these magazines. Yeah. And if you are such a big fan of Cosmo, you're already carrying your own copy. Yeah, obviously. I buy a Cosmo every week. Yeah.

You got to know what the new tactic is. It only comes out every month, but. Every week, though. I'm back dating. You got to figure out what you have to be doing with your tongue right now. Things are changing. Is that something they say? The styles, you know.

Styles of things to do with your tongue sex-wise. Yeah, definitely. Oh yeah, I guess. Not just where it sits in your mouth. Well, like, are you gonna, you know, decorate it? Is there anything like, do you have a scraper? They have an interview with Gene Simmons. Uh-huh.

I mean, like, you know, I never know what to do with my hands, but maybe, not sexually, of course. I always know what to do. But like, if a camera's on me, I'm like, not sexually, of course. I've never had a camera on me. I'm not Zach and Miri making a porno over here. But I, but I basically, yeah. Yeah, but are people like,

oh, I never know what to do with my tongue. Yeah, I think. That's how I feel in pictures and film as well. It's just always hanging out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, everywhere. Yeah, this, I feel like it's starting to taper off, but I feel like this generation was really the one

of letting your tongue hang out in photos. Oh, yeah. This generation, what, ours? No, no, the youngers. I feel like Olivia Rodrigo on her cover of her album, she's thinking, yeah, like it's a real teen thing to do. Oh, yeah, and I was a teen in the early early 2010s. Yeah same. Which was yeah yeah yeah and that was not a good time though because we just like found like cameras and cell phones and

stuff so the pictures were really bad. There was no self-awareness. I have a whole like webcam photo shoot with a terrible filter on it and And yeah. A webcam photo shoot. Yeah. Tell me all about it. I would like to know more. So when I was a 12 year old girl, me and my friends would hang out in my parents' basement and we would turn on the webcam and we'd just take pictures. This was like the family computer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'd do it for hours. And then we would upload all of those pictures into a Facebook album. So there's albums of 300 photos of me that are very blurry. My hair straightened and a lot of eyeliner. Nice. And yeah, we just thought that everyone needed to see it

and they needed to know what was going on. Yeah, good for you. Yeah. Yeah, make the content you wanna see in the world. Yeah, yeah, it's truly how I became a content creator. Yeah, that's right. How much content are you creating a week? Eh, you know, I got some content creator. Yeah, that's right. How much content are you creating a week? Yeah, you know, I got some schemes going.

Yeah, we all know about your lounge scheme. Yeah, I got a lounge scheme. So that's it. You just sit in silence and read a magazine. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah. And you get free coffee. And you eat snacks. There's cheese and crackers and stuff. Yeah, little fruits and yeah.

Apple juice boxes and I always pocket some apple juice boxes. and yeah apple juice boxes and I always pocket some apple juice boxes that's I was flying recently a long flight and I saw like an influencer that's like if you're vegetarian you thought it's on the flight no this is they saw before the fight and they said like something that's really simple and transportable is like kids like fruit snacks mmm and I at one point I had one of those pouches and it had applesauce in it. That went down fast. I mean, those just rock it.

Like you just do one squeeze and they're gone. Is it like a tube? It's like a little packet. Yeah, it looks almost like a military supply. Like you would get if you're stuck behind enemy lines. And you were just like crushing those on the plane in front of people? Yeah.

Oh, cool. Yeah, and then also I got this, I got like a bunch of fruit bars. That was the big cornerstone of it. Yeah, when my kids were babies, when they were first starting out to all that food, you gave them those little pouches because they can just suck on them.

It's so much better than the, here comes the airplane. Yeah, yeah. But it's the airplane. Yeah, yeah. But it's basically that. Okay, okay. And then a couple years of those and then they're back. Yeah. The kids like them again and want more. And it's like, I always forget how good applesauce is. And they're so good for the environment.

Yeah, absolutely. One plastic, a huge plastic container. Any other schemes you wanna let us know? Yeah, I've got a scheme going really good where I got sponsored by a local waxing company in Victoria. A kid in my school's dad owns it. It was an incredible opportunity. So they reached out to me and they were like,

hey Emily, we want you to be an influencer for us. So every time I get a wax, like I get my butthole waxed or something, I just have to post on Instagram stories and be like, thanks so much and everything's free. And I've taken it to the extreme where I'm getting my entire body lasered. And that costs so much money normally. Yeah. And it's all free. That's amazing. And you're just like going through the world so hairless. I'm so hairless.

And it's nothing I would have ever paid for normally. No. But now that I can get it for free, I was like, of course I'm going to do this. Yeah. And you're walking around faster than everybody else. Yeah. No drag. No drag.

Oh, yeah. I'm swimming at an Olympic level. It's incredible. Yeah. We saw you on the level. It's incredible. Yeah, we saw you on the Olympic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were wearing a baseball hat at the time too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She won't take it off.

Yeah. I was at the Olympics, I said, I bet there are Olympians who have the same deal. Oh yeah. Hey, I just got everything whacked on my shoulders. My shoulders? Yeah, some people have. Hey, just got everything whack on my shoulders and shoulders and shoulders Yeah, some people have I guess so but like you would go armpit first. Yeah. Yeah, what do you first in your waxing? Do I did? I went straight to butthole right? Yeah. Yeah

I was but it was weird because I had to post about it This is why I was getting waxed. So people knew the exact rate at which my pubes would grow back. Oh, that's fun for people. So that was a little unsettling for everyone to know when I had to be back in every time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is unsettling. Probably doing a pretty good business

off of your recommendations. I hope so, you guys check out Foxybox. Oh, Foxybox, I know them. I got a discount code, SmoothWoods15. Okay. Because you book online? Yeah. You say it out loud, SmoothWoods15.

Either way, they'll help you out, you just go, I like Emily and they'll, they got you. Nice, nice. Yeah. I don't think I've ever known a comedian that's been like a sponsored comedian. I don't think it's cause I'm a comedian, I think it's cause I'm just comedian. I think it's because I'm just

around a lot of places in Victoria. So you're like, yeah, you go to the Chinese restaurant, and you want to see if you can drum up any business there, and so on and so forth. Yeah. Grocery stores. That's my dream. I just want to get everything in my life for free.

Yeah. I don't want to make any money. I just want to live in a world of like, I'm good. Yeah, yeah. Now you, at one point, I think I have this right, that you lived in London. Yeah. So you went from Red Deer to London?

Yeah, Red Deer was so bad that I was like, I gotta go. I gotta go for a culture shock. Yeah, I moved all the way, yeah, I moved to London to do a degree in acting when I was 18. Oh. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, no. Your face indicates that it wasn't great.

I mean, yeah, it was okay. I just think that parents shouldn't make financial deals with 18-year-olds. Unless they're like, hey, I want to sponsor you. It pays a lot. Yeah. Because my mom, like, yeah, she really believed in me So it was great and like they had some money So they were like we're gonna help you out and support you and send you to England

But I didn't realize that that still meant that like all the student loans were on me And I didn't know how much student loans cost her and I also didn't know that mine were in pounds instead of dollars Yeah, and now I'm 40,000 pounds in debt. Wow. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Okay, but I went to a crazy method acting school and it was insane.

Like they made us recreate terrible periods from history. Yeah. And like for two weeks and live it and like would abuse students. Wow. Yeah, yeah. So was it like you can't shower, you gotta lie in mud? Okay. So we have this project called the Living History Project. Okay. What's what college is this? So it was

East 15 acting school. Oh, they're the best. Yeah. Boxy Box. Yeah. Yeah. Shout out to them. 15, 15% off. Yeah. And we would go, so at the end of the first year, you have a project called the Living History Project. And you have to recreate a terrible period in history because they believe that you can't be an actor unless you have suffered serious trauma, which I already had some lined up, but you know, what, everyone's doing it again.

So every year, like everyone's like, which period is it it gonna be like the year before us was the Russian gulags Oh, you don't get to pick no, and then there was the Irish Civil War and then we happened to be a Nazi year Oh, no, yeah And it was bad and like they make you like live through stuff and they make it pretty accurate The school was covered in swastikas for a bit Called and they have to be like no, it's a method acting situation And they put those 300 pictures on your Facebook of you You go back after the first

Crazy story after the first year. I got meningitis and almost died. Oh shit! Yeah, so I got kicked out of the UK for a year. Because of meningitis? Yeah, because I was in the hospital for a month and a half, like, trying to live. And then, yeah, I got kicked out because I was on a student visa,

and the school was like, oh, you missed too much school, you have to come back and do it again. But weren't you like, I just had a trauma, I just was in the hospital for a month. Yeah, I was like, oh you missed too much school. You have to come back and do it again But you weren't you like I just had a trauma. I just was From our Horrible thing that we did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I got meningitis. How do you get? Apparently you just catch it like a cold it's crazy actually I thought I had a sinus infection and if you ever have a really stiff neck, like you can't move it up and down, that's meningitis. If you ever have a.

Yeah, if you ever. I woke up with meningitis, had a terrible night's sleep. It was crazy, I got quarantined. That was like before people were getting quarantined. Wow. Yeah. Did anybody like, they have to put on like. Yeah.

Full suits. And then they would come in and do like spinal taps on me Yeah, it was wild and I was all I was 18 and I was just alone in England called my mom It's like hey, so I have meningitis and she lost it. I felt so bad for her. Yeah Yeah, so she was like come back to right there Yeah, she flew over there, but it was right after I like after they dealt with everything so I was just like tired And then I went home I'm so groggy. Oh mommy I'm groggy now Mommy

Yeah Put a wet rag on my forehead What temperature? I don't mind whatever Okay, but the UK has So the NHS over there is really, it's pretty good. Yeah, I've heard it's good. They do a lot of at-home nursing though. So I was in the hospital for only a couple weeks, and then I got discharged to my home, and I had a nurse who would come visit me every three,

like three times a day, and she would hook me up to an IV IV. I was living in a party house at my university, so I wasn't contagious anymore and they would set me up in the backyard while all my friends smoked and drank and partied. I would get hooked up to an IV in a chair and just hang out with them. It was awesome. They weren't using your IV like a funnel or anything. No, I wish., no. I wish. It was pretty cool though. We had a chill nurse and yeah.

That's fun. Yeah. That's like a special bonus to get the whole thing. And then were you, are you okay completely? I'm fine now. Okay, good. Sometimes I get like little arthritis things from it. Sometimes I get a thing that I'm like, this is definitely arthritis. My thumb's like sore for a day. Oh my pinky's been hurting for like two weeks.

Oh, that's from scrolling. Oh, maybe it's the scroll. Which one would it be? Because you're propping it on your pinky, right? Maybe. And then you're scrolling with your thumb? Yeah. Now I forget what, no, it's my left hand.

I don't really scroll left hand. Do I scroll? I have to wear like a finger brace when I walk the dog. I don't no, it's my left hand. I don't really scroll left hand. Wait, do I scroll? I have to wear like a finger brace when I walk the dogs because that's when I re-injure it. Like a little pinky finger brace? Yeah, a little splint.

Aw. Splint Eastwood, I call it. That's fun. I put a little costume on it. Little gunway hat. Yeah. When I worked at the spa, we would have to roll towels and I would get like really bad cramps in my hand

from the rolling motion. Man. Of towels. Yeah. That's a carpal tunnel. Yeah. Carpal towel. Carpal towel.

Thank you. Carpal tunnel is like the one where you have to wear like the brace, right? You know, the wrist brace. Yeah. And also people say standing desk is good for? For carpal tunnel. Yeah, for carpal tunnel.

I know it's good for, well sitting's the new smoking. Yeah, oh my God. I love sitting. I love sitting. And I love smoking. Honestly, I would rather lie down than sit. Working from home, if I have the option, I'll be in bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. You smoke currently? You smoke? Oh yeah, I'll be in bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. You smoke currently, you're a smoker? Oh yeah, I love cigarettes. What, uh. I came here for big cigarettes. I'm also sponsored by cigarettes. Oh yeah?

Yeah. Just in general, like the eggs count. Every time you smoke a cigarette, you have to post. So you're posting 20 times a day. What's your brand, what do you smoke? Export A Smooth Reg day. What's your brand? What do you smoke? Export A Smooth Regulars. Okay.

Blue package? They're not colored anymore. Oh, they don't have any packaging. They can't be fun anymore. They just put scary pictures on and that's it. Have they put scary pictures on the cigarettes yet? No, but they put words on them, which they made a mistake because they just look cooler now.

Oh yeah. Because now it's like the warnings on the cigarette, like that looks bad ass. Sure, yeah. So of course, the pen is mightier than the sword. Yes. Yeah. That's always because there's very little cigarette smoking here.

There's a lot of pot smoking here, but cigarettes you just don't see very much. And everyone's vaping. Everybody vapes. I won't vape. No? No. Don't ask me.

No, I'm all about them, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I shouldn't be. I'm aware that it shouldn't happen. No, no, you gotta get your years in. Yeah. You gotta get your 10,000 hours of smoking. You gotta get your steps in every day.

I was such a good kid in high school, and then I moved to London, and everyone smoked cigarettes, and I was like, it is hot. Like and then I moved to London and everyone smoked cigarettes and I was like, it is hot. Like, it is so sexy. I should do this. That's true. No matter what they do, they can't separate it from being sexy.

Yeah, they got me. Although have you heard an old guy really, really horken of? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Our neighbor there, like a year and a half ago, they set a fire on their patio by disposing of their ashtray into the garbage can. Whoa.

And it caught fire and we had to, I sprayed it out from my side and called the fire truck and ever since like I you know I listened over the fence when the fire marshal who was this his name was Bill and so I was listening in and he was like well when you're done smoking you should get a, an ashtray that's got water in it. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And so ever since this woman has had a bottle of, it's like an empty booze bottle. And for the last year and a half,

it has been filling up with cigarette butts. Yeah. Oh yeah. When you see the like physical evidence. Yeah, I don't like knowing. I don't wanna know what I've done. I don't want to know what I've done. I don't think that's what the fire marshal meant. I think he meant maybe put four or five in there and throw those out.

Don't accumulate. How much are cigarettes now? 20 bucks? Yeah, over. What, really? Yeah, but my pack's like 21, 22. $21? Wow. Yeah over what really but my pack's like 21 22 Yeah, wow And that's uh, that's that's brand name though where you're getting. Yeah, it's a good brand. Yeah Yeah, what is your oh no, keep going. No. No, I was just wondering what the words are that are on cigarettes

Like do they just say cancer or it'll be like smoking kills That sounds cool though smoking kills Yeah, it's just awesome. Yeah, the more you pay, the cooler the things are. Especially as a comedian, you're like, killing is good. Yeah, yeah, it might be, this killing's good. I was gonna ask you about your 40,000 pounds of student debt. Yeah.

Can they come for you in Canada? So you can do this thing that's like the repayment assistance plan. So every six months, I just have to show them my taxes and show that I don't make enough money to pay them. Nice, nice. They just hold off. Oh, so, but like if you didn't wanna pay it,

could they, you would just like, would your, I guess your credit would be ruined or would you just- I don't know. Does it transfer from other countries? So mine's like on BC student loans. Oh Yeah, it was just the exchange rate. No, but yeah, I have no clue What happens if you just don't pay your student loans in another country? I just mean like I know people who've gotten like Had to go to the hospital in other countries,

and they get sent a bill and they're just like, well, I'm not gonna pay it, I'll just never go back to. That happened with my phone bill over there. I like bought a cell phone over there and then I moved away. A mobile. Yeah, and my bank account over there ran out of money when I moved and I just went, well, that's Vodafone's problem.

Yeah, you spent all that money on Crazy Frog rig tones. Yeah. Yeah. When you were in high school in the 2010s, what was the song of the year you graduated? What was the big song? Okay. There was a lot of LMFAO. Oh, yeah. People were shuffling at my time.

Every day, I imagine. Yeah. Lots of flash mobs. Oh, yeah. People were shuffling at my time. Every day, I imagine. Yeah, lots of flash mobs. Oh, really? Flash mobs were huge when I was in high school. And so this was a group of people all agreeing to do a dance. Yeah. Past guest, Manitou's parents, brother proposed to his fiance with a flash mob in a food court? I think in a food court,

but it wasn't, weren't his acapella buddies part of it? No. That's right. Oh no, I would say no. Yes. I would say yes publicly, but afterwards you'd be like, no, take it back. I don't think this is gonna work out.

I don't wanna go viral on this video of us Yeah getting engaged, but did you do any flash mobs? Yeah, I was in a few actually in red deer. They were pretty big There's one in the shopping mall one in the at a hockey game for the Red Deer Rebels I remember I think something in my high school, but to do the Harlem Shake Shake? Oh yeah, the Harlem Shake was... yeah. You do any planking? I don't have the core strength for planking. Oh sure, you do parkour. Yeah, did you do the ice bucket challenge?

Oh yeah! I did a lot of ice bucket challenges. Yeah, I was in the prime age of internet I think. It was like really thriving when I was a teenager. I mean everyone, it's of internet, I think. It was really thriving when I was a teenager. I mean, everyone, it's sort of like SNL. The years you're in high school, everyone thinks are the prime years of internet.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like when I graduated, a Green Day song was very popular, and it was like a sappy song. So it was like- Good time of your life. Yeah, so you're like, I'm saying goodbye. Yeah, I feel like everyone uses that a sappy song. So it was like- It's time of your life. Yeah, so you're like, I'm saying goodbye. Yeah, I feel like everyone uses that

as their graduation song. We did. It was our, we fricking started that. Yeah, it was better when we did it. This was our generation. Well, we still used it. Yeah, well that's because you have us to thank. You'd still be probably in grade 12 if not for us.

We could have graduated every day I'm shuffling. That'd be crazy. Why not? That'd be fun, shuffling across the states to get your diploma. That'd be great. Party rock is in the school tonight. I don't know why it made it sound spooky.

And you, when you graduated, big party, big bush party, big, what was? Yeah. Oh yeah. We had a party in a farmer's field. Yeah. Farmers field party. It was buddy bring a bunch of donuts. Lots of donuts.

And we got like bust out there. Like, I don't know if you had this, but the parents all like came together to be like, look, our kids came together to be like, look, our kids are gonna get hammered tonight. So then they just got us buses to drive us back and forth. That's hard. Oh, and it's the drinking age is like 18. Yeah.

So it was half of us could. And then if your parents signed a form and you were underage, you could as well. Wow. And the school, like, facilitated it, but not really. I'm fine with my kid getting smashed. Yeah, it was pretty crazy. I don't know, but I definitely did that. Yeah, wow.

Yeah, because they remember just like, Daddy, can I get smashed tonight? Please. All my friends are getting smashed. I've been so good all year. Yeah, I remember a bush party happening where everybody brought their, their like years work of papers and stuff.

Oh yeah. Burned them. Oh yeah. Binders full of papers that got burnt in a bonfire. I've seen those videos of kids like on the last day of school, like it's coordinated. They throw all their papers all over the school. That would be a flashback.

And like rains down from the... So this is something that I just remembered is that I had an insane prank happen when I was in high school. Okay. Like you know how people had like the senior pranks and stuff? Sure. So we had one where we showed up one day and there were all these like posters taped up to all the lockers and on them was a picture of the principal and it just said, so I can't cheat on my math test, but you can cheat on your wife.

Whoa. Whoa. His wife was the art teacher. Oh, Jesus Christ. And the kid who did it set him up for an Ashley Madison account. So there was no basis to any of this. It's insane. Wow.

That's very thorough. That's my favorite thing that happened in high school. Kids can be so cruel. I love it. And what do you do with that? Like that kid ruined someone's life. Well, did he? Did they?

Probably ruined somebody's day. He probably ruined that principal's life. But did he though? I mean, I didn't follow up. But they got a divorce. Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah truth to those rumors. Oh, yeah. Yeah Wow I think that's just what happens if you name your kid Dexter though Dexter Dexter did this honestly the freaking lead singer of

the freaking lead singer of Offspring? Offspring, his name Dexter. And then the song called Original Prankster and it just makes so much sense. Their songs got so silly towards the end. Yeah, they did. They became kind of like a silly. A silly. Kind of like Eminem towards the end of his spotlight.

He became kind of a cartoon. Well, he was sort started, every album's had a very silly pop culture song. Yeah. Did you guys have any wacky pranks though? No. No, I don't think so. I think this maybe is more isolated to.

Yeah, it's not really a wacky prank, more like weird. I'm sure there were like, there was stuff, like. Yeah. I don't think, like, I'm really searching and thinking of like, I feel like maybe somebody tied somebody's bumper to like, the like wood. A kid?

He pulled that kid right in half. I was watching a movie where at one point the bad guy is sitting in a semi truck and he's tied a guy between his semi truck and another semi truck and you're like, okay, he's got a weasel's way out of it. Nope. He just pulls him right in half. Oh man. Oh man, it's so surprising.

It's talking about having a stiff neck. Yeah, and it was like the main character. It was half an hour into the movie. The movie just came out. Oh man. Oh man, it's so surprising. It's talking about having a stiff neck. Yeah, and it was like the main character. It was half an hour into the movie, the movie just ended. It's all of the funeral, like, this is so fucked up. Whoa.

Yeah, it's. Was it on Shutter? It was on Shutter, and it had, I'll remember what it was called, but it was about a hitchhiker that, hitcher, it's called Hitcher. And then they tiediker that, hitcher, it's called hitcher. And then they tied him to the hitch. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Well, Dave, what's going on with you? Prank wise and otherwise. Not much, I'm currently in, I have Olympic fever. Yes, oh yeah, the no cure, no cure for Olympic fever. I wake up every morning and I watch five sports. Yeah. This morning I watched women's rugby.

Oh, okay. Judo. Judo, yeah. Swimming. Love the swimming. Mountain biking. Mountain biking? Yep.

Oh, I didn't know that was in, wow, is this first year? No, that thing's been around for a while. Oh, shit. Skateboarding, skateboarding is like the coolest sport that they just seem to make boring at the Olympics. It's like a lot of standing around and like someone falls off their board and you're like, are they still going?

Is it over? They're just like pretty casual about. Yeah, there was a story that the bus taking the skateboard team to the venue broke down and all the guys were like, let's just skateboard the rest of the way. That's that candy spirit. Yeah, exactly, no problem, bro. I'll just skateboard the rest of the way. That's that candy spirit. Yeah, exactly. No problem, bro.

I'm trying to keep up with the Olympics. I was catching up with my sibling while I'm here and they're like the editor of a queer newspaper online and they said that it's a busy time with the Olympics. And I was like, what's the gay stuff in the Olympics? What's going on? What's the gay stuff in the Olympics? And they said women's rugby.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I went, oh yeah, that checks out. Yeah, I try, I don't watch any of the team sports that take more than, like I wanna see something shorter. Well, rugby, the rugby is like seven minute halves. Oh, I like that. It's seven, so it's compact.

Yeah, I like a swim, you know, a 200-meter swim, or like a diving, anything diving them in. Yeah. They haven't started the cigarette ice swimming yet, but I'm into that. Cigarette ice, it's cigarette ice swimming. I was like, I got a joy. That's new this year, right?

That's new this year. They now, the new thing they have in the, maybe it's been for a while, but in the swimming, they'll tell you exactly how fast someone is going at a given. Yeah, how many meters per second? Whoa, oh, wow, the breast strokes pretty slow compared to the other strokes Yeah, I see that flavor. Flav is bankrolling believe me Cuz that is huge for me. Yeah, very easy was he your celebrity crush. I just I love that energy Yeah, I really want an older wealthy man to do huge for me. I'm very excited. Is he your celebrity crush? I just, I love that energy. And I really want an older wealthy man to do that for me.

But you've already got a perfectly good waxing place. Yeah, but I gotta do more than just get waxed. But who do you, yeah, but you think Flava Flav's gonna cover that? I don't know. What else could you do? He's pretty shiny, he's pretty hairless. He is pretty hairless actually.

Yeah, yeah. What do you think you should be sponsored for doing? Oh, like all of my meals I think. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So they sponsor you just because you eat your meals? Yay. I go, wow, I ate my vegetables. And they go, great job, everybody.

Yeah. I saw a, boy, what was it called? Glow? It was a- Oh yeah, gorgeous ladies originally. No. That's what I thought. It's like a drink, bottles of Glow,

I think it's called Glow in a store, and on the cardboard, whatever, shelf that they had it, they had a picture of Kendall Jenner. Or maybe Kylie Jenner. But then right next it said the name Kendall Jenner. And it was her holding this glow. And I was like, if she's so famous, you shouldn't have to put her name. Yeah, that's right.

Leave that for me. Leave that for Emily. I think my issue is that like my presence is not very like flattering. It's quite an abrasive presence that I have all the time So with waxing like it worked cuz I'd just be like my asshole Like I don't think I fit in with many other brands well, mmm sure. Yeah. Well, have you tried to glow? That's I should reach out. Yeah, because apparently they they're having some trouble with their Jenner. They bought the wrong Jenner. I tried to get Tushy to sponsor me. That is the toilet the bidet come to you. You're really going for like a

specific Area. I got a brand, you know, yeah, you gotta work with what you got. That's true. And I've got a butthole. Except for one kid my mother told us about. A tragic case. Oh no. Did he just explode? I don't know how it ended, but I think that was something when I was a kid.

It was a mess. It was like, oh, you're lucky. You should be pretty thankful for your situation, son. Were you mad about your situation as a kid? I don't know if it was. Every time you had to poop, you were like, oh, again? I feel like it was a story my mother maybe told my siblings and they just make fun of her incessantly because of it. Like, at least they have one ounce. Once with this boy. Yeah.

You think you've got it bad. Anyway, love the Olympics. Love the Olympics. Love the Olympics. Yeah. And, but the other thing is, I think it's got it bad. Anyway, love the Olympics. Love the Olympics. Love the Olympics.

But the other thing that's been going on is, well, great, we pre-recorded pretty much all July Yeah. because you were gonna be away. And while you were away, Abby's aunt Sheila and her family came to visit. Yes, Aunt Sheila. A fan favorite, a past guest

and just a character in our lives. Okay. Yes, Sheila. Wow. A fan favorite, a past guest, and just a character in our lives. Okay. Yeah, she's great. And she came visited with her family, and they're from a small town in Sweden. Oh, perfect. And, but they're all English speaking, and she has two teenage boys,

and all they wanted to do was eat Canadian food. Oh. And go to every fast food restaurant, because in their small town, they have like three restaurants. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so they like, they didn't have a McDonald's, they didn't have a- Exactly, so they wanted to go to Wendy's, they wanted to try A&W, they wanted to,

they had like, they wanted so many different fried chicken places. Oh sure. And- Which one was their favorite? Well, I think they went to Popeyes. They went to KFC. Yeah.

They went, I think their favorite was a place called Down Low. Okay. Down Low Chicken Shack, it's a local chain. But don't talk about it, we're trying to keep it. Well, the weird thing is there's another one, they were like, oh, we wanna go to this place called Down Low Chicken, and I was like,

oh yeah, that's on Broadway. I was mistaken, there's a place on Broadway called High Five Chicken. High Five Chicken. So apparently there's every part of the, give me five on the side, up high, down low, too slow. Every part of that is covered with chicken. I wanna go to Too Slow Chicken.

Yeah, slow cook that chicken. Yeah. Do you slow cook chicken? Yeah, you could. Yeah, you could. Too slow. Yeah. Slow cook that chicken. Yeah. Do you slow cook chicken? Yeah, you could. Yeah, you could. It's too slow. Yeah. Isn't there one,

it seems like there's popping up a lot, Jollibee. Jollibee, yeah, I don't know if they went to Jollibee. Did they go to Juke? No, they didn't go to Juke. Like fancy. You have fried chicken? I'll mess around with it, definitely. I never say no to some fried chicken. I don't

I that is the food that just like Hurts my body like in places where not even my stomach. I'm just like my forehead That's all shiny my back. I didn't have a butthole imagine how much Every day, I'm so thankful at dinner every night They are great I'm so thankful. At dinner every night. Let's say, our crepe. Thank you for gifting me and my family. Now I can get the sponsorship. I should have something I can get waxed. But I think I put on 10 pounds while they were here.

I was like, oh, well, you're going to try that? I'll get that. And like so much candy. I was like, oh, well, you're gonna try that? I'll go, I'll get that. Yeah. And like so much candy. What was their, what was their favorite? I think they just liked, McDonald's, McDonald's is very hot. But also just like the fact that you can just get

Mexican and sushi and all kinds of things that you can't get in a small town. What is Swedish cuisine? I don't even, I know the berries. I know they're very popular. Like tinned fish. Yeah, a lot of like fish, a lot of herring. And meatballs, of course.

Oh yes, of course, Swedish meatballs. Well, you know, they get, they have everything over there, but it's just not, they don't have the like, fast food everything. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder what it would be like, because I've been to a couple of fast, or sorry, small towns that had just got the fast food, whether Tim Hortons or A&W.

Yeah. Or occasionally in McDonald's, and it's like the big, big story in town. Oh yeah. Everybody's coming from everywhere to check out this place. The mayor's doing a ribbon cutting with rude bear. Well, on the island, we have one Taco Bell and it's in Nanaimo and people will drive to Nanaimo

just for Taco Bell. From Victoria. Yeah. Wow. What's that, like an hour and a half drive? It's like over, it's like three hours. Three hours. Yeah, it's a long drive. Wow, to get Taco Bell.

Just for Taco Bell. Hmm. You couldn't get it Uber Eats. It'd probably be very expensive to get a three hour. And it's, you know what? It's pretty good after three hours in the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when you want it. You let it marinate, you're good.

What I get is, we have a couple here, but I'll generally literally run for the border because there's one right across the border in Blaine where I have a couple here, but I'll generally literally run for the border and because there's one right across the border. Oh, blame where I have a mailbox and I'll pick up like a bunch of tacos at 11 in the morning and my kids will want them at three o'clock when they get home from school. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You can just reheat, right?

Or not. Okay. Okay. As long as it's got that Dorito crest. Oh yeah. Yeah. As long as it's got that Dorito crust. Oh yeah, yeah. I watched a video of a guy that he's like, this is how myself and my kids can eat for totally cheap. And he orders a big fajita with the sizzling plate on it or whatever.

And he just makes all of his kids at the table quesadillas because they're just going to eat quesadillas and he just eats the rest. Yeah. That's pretty good. We get sushi quite a bit. And when we had the Swedes here, and we had so many more mouths to feed, I was like, oh, I'll get one of these party trays.

And it was such a great deal. Yeah. Yeah. Like normally I'll just order like, oh, you want that roll, you want that roll. And then it's like 50 bucks. A giant tray with like a bunch of rolls was only 50 bucks. Oh. Does sushi keep?

No. No, you have to have it as soon as it gets there. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Did the Swedes like sushi? Yeah. Oh. Okay.

I was like, do you have any herring sushi? So this is a Wendy. They did, yeah. I got that. They got to see the restaurant from that meme. They got to see the restaurant the restaurant from the meme But yeah, it would be something if you if the shoe is on the other foot it went to wherever in Europe It's like oh, that's the restaurant. I've been dying to try. Oh my god What is the do they have chains over there? Mine is pizza Express. Oh, I love pizza Express Yeah, or a Nando's in the UK

Nando's is good. I'm cheeky Nando. I saw the Nando's here burnt down. Oh and but the smell that Mesquite But there was another place. Oh, what was it called? But it had, it looked like a Nando's. It had the little chicken in the logo. But I guess Swiss chalet is just Nando's. Yeah. I love Swiss chalet actually.

The gravy is just incredible. Oh, it's Canadian Nando's. Yeah. But the other, yeah, the UK, like Gregg's. Gotta go to Gregg's. Gregg's. Yeah. Or go to Pret, you gotta go to... Oh, Gregg's. Gregg's. Yeah. Or go to Pret.

You gotta go to Pret, absolutely. Nice sandwiches at Pret. But the only, oh, there was a good burger chain in Sweden when we went last year, and they had good milkshakes, that's what I remember. Oh, yeah. But there was, when I went to France, like 20 years ago, I remember they had a counter, when I went to France like 20 years ago, I remember they had like a counter service,

like not quite buffet, but like cafeteria style restaurant called Flunch. It was just lunch with an F in front of it. Is French lunch? I guess so. Yeah. Lunch. It's good, it's memorable.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I know that, you know, when you go to America, they got a bunch of chains down there that we don't have. Oh yeah, they got two chains. I've heard that. I heard that what is it called? Sonic that has like a banana milkshake.

Yeah, Sonic is great for beverages. Yeah, I've heard about milkshake. Every like everything's a milkshake, they can get whatever drink you want, they can get the slurpee version of it. Really? But it's all, you eat in the parking lot. That's all in your car. They're on roller skates though, right?

Not necessarily. It's kind of like what happened with Superstore. Didn't people used to be on roller skates in the grocery stores? Oh, ring the bell. Yeah, I remember my friend did that, yeah. Yeah. And it's a good zip from aisle to aisle.

Yeah. I mean, maybe not all the employees did it. It seems like that would be crazy. Just the really agile ones. I think you can still go to the, there's a white spot on Broadway here that still has car hops. And you go in the parking lot and they'll,

we did a ton when I was a kid, and you roll down your windows and they put a tray across your car that has like extendable handles on the ends. Cool. And you just eat in your seat with like, with tray across. I love that. Yeah. It's great. Maybe when I was a kid we went down to the States and we went to a roller restaurant but Yeah, that's great. Maybe when I was a kid, we went down to the States and we went to a roller restaurant, but it was also the time that roller blades really took off. Yeah.

Yeah. We gotta bring blades back. They never went anywhere. Emily, take it back. Okay, sorry, sorry. I just, I haven't been blade in much. Oh. No?

No. Yeah, we miss you we in the blade We you're welcome back anytime. That's been bladed a lot. Of course. Oh, yeah Yeah, it's we just can't wait for it to be an Olympic sport. Then we're really gonna go. I've been watching that movie airborne What is airborne? rollerblading movie movie I said about a It's a rollerblading movie. Is it about a, wait, is that the one, what's the one where the kid moves from like Ohio to California or the other way around?

Yeah, I mean, now is it, I think a premise is well used in the 90s. This is the movie I'm thinking of, Airborne. Airborne. Why would they call it that when it's about rollerblades? I don't know if it's about it, it's actually about a dog who plays basketball. Mitchell became the most popular guy on earth once he took to the sky and it's him on rollerblades.

Flying around in the sky. Cool. Wow. Yeah. Boy, that text is really hard to read. Did you blade Dave? Man wasn't meant to fly, kids were. Ah. Yeah, I bladed.

I had blades that were the kind that had like the ski boot bindings. Oh yeah. Oh, shoot. And then a couple years later, I had hockey, kind of like roller hockey. And that was, is that what you were doing with them? Yeah. Yeah. Not just going around the seawall.

Me and the boys were terrorizing the tennis courts with our roller hockey. Ooh. And it's really hard to play goalie in rollerblades. I think goalies could just wear shoes. I still giggle a little when I see somebody going on rollerblades. It's funny. Yeah, it is funny, right? Yeah, it's inherently like, it's cute. My brothers, they both bladed.

I didn't blade. I love a roller skate. I had a dream the other night that I was part of a roller skate group. And does that mean maybe I should try throwing some skates? I think you should. Yeah. Roller skate my wrist is maybe. Like a competitive.

Yeah, like a competitive. Yeah, like a gang kind of thing. Okay, well that's not what I meant. Oh, sorry, what are you? I meant like roller derby. No, no, not roller derby. Oh, like you were like in a roller rink. No, we were just out on the, like the skate park.

Oh. Like pushing around the skateboarders. Yeah. This is what, this is a roller. Yeah, we all know that roller skates are top of the food chain at the skate park. Yeah. Have you ever roller skated?

I think I did as a child a bit. I'm very not agile though. Okay. I'm not very comfortable in my body, so. I couldn't understand that. I recently learned about dyspraxia and I think I have it. Hmm, yeah, let's teach us then. Dyslexia of the body.

Okay. Oh. Yeah, when I went to the UK, like everyone over there, it was recognized as a disability. Okay. And it's just like, things just don't quite work as well for you. Right.

Like, hand-eye coordination's a little off, you fall over on buses a lot. Oh, wow. It sounds very like I could be in the running. Yeah, it's dangerous over there. And I was like, that's me. Yeah. So, I think we might be dyspraxic.

Yeah, because I've been to physio a couple times and they're like, do this movement. And I like try and they're like, no, no, do it like this. I'm like, I am doing it. And you're like, you didn't say Simon said. I have that level of dyspraxia. But I remember one physiotherapist was just like, okay, we won't do that one.

Because I tried so many times. They're like, loosen up your hips. I'm like, they're loose. She's like, maybe they're fused together. What is loosen up your hips? I wouldn't know how to do that. I know, she's like, kind of, you know, any of them when they say like engage your core,

nobody knows what that means. Yeah. Yeah. Or just like, just feel the music. Yeah. Here, I'll put on some music, see if you can loosen up that way. And a one and a two.

I started seeing a personal trainer for the first time. I've never been an exerciser or anything. He trains really good people and he was helping me and he was like, so do you have any injuries? I was like, no. He doesn't think he's ever trained anyone who has no injuries. Oh, really? I was like, I guess my body's a temple. It's just because I haven't done any activities that would lead me to injuries.

Yeah. I guess I got a perfect body. I got a Cheeto in my eye once. Yeah. Yeah. But I feel I'm interested in this. Would meningitis count? Yeah.

I got a lot of injuries inside, but. Yeah, meningitis, like that used to be like, that could kill a person. Yeah. Well, I got it. If it wasn't caught within 24 hours, you're done. How did you know what to do? Well, I thought I had a sinus infection

and I went to a school that you couldn't miss it unless you had like a doctor's note. Oh. So I was feeling gross and I went to a school that you couldn't miss it unless you had like a doctor's note. So I was feeling gross and I went to the hospital and they were all like, yeah, mate, you should go to a science fiction. And then- And then-

Oi, mate. Oi, bro. Oi, bro, you should get your dad into the sciences. And then, and then they were still like keeping me there just looking at me. And then this doctor walked in and he was like, hey, can you move your head up and down? And I went, no. Well, you shook your head side to side.

I shook side to side. And then they were like, oh, quarantine her. Get her out. Oh, wow. And then I got sent to a room and then they put needles in my spine. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

But when they put needles in my spine, they kept bringing in the trainees to do it because you don't get to do it often. Like spinal taps aren't common. So they were like, it's your chance. Like, come on in. And they had to do it three different times because the trainees kept missing.

Sure. Yeah. That's a- Just because you have such a slender spine. I just have such a delicate little spine. It hasn't had any injuries on it. It's perfect. It's as if it's a baby's spine.

You could be a spine model. But then they have to take the fluid out of it and then it turned out that the fluid was infected so I had like bad bad meningitis. Oh. And they were like. that's my favorite Sanrio character. What bad, bad meningitis? Yeah. Bad, bad meningitis. It's my favorite Jim Crochet song.

Yeah. Oh, Jim Crochet. Yeah. Are we saying Crochet? Yeah, Jim Crochet. Jim Crochet. Jim Crochet's Crochet. So Crochet. Jim Crochet's crochet. So yeah, the Swedes were here, missed them.

Yeah. Did they bring you a nice mustard? No, no mustard this time. Did you get Swedish fish? No, they brought plenty of candy, my favorite. The marabou chocolate with the corn nuts and peanuts, or corn nuts and peanuts, or corn nuts and popcorn in it. Oh yeah.

You just got so cute and happy when you talked about it. I ate it so fast. I gave one bar to my mom because I know she likes it. And she did give me that valuable lesson about being thankful for my funnel. But yeah, no, they gave they brought lots of Swedish treats. Did they take any back with them like Kraft dinner? Oh yeah, like lots of Reese's. Oh yeah. All the different kinds of Reese's. They don't

have, they don't have? They, I think they have basic Reese's, but I was like, here's have the one with the pretzels in it and the stuff like that. Yeah, I bought the other night, to give away at the Laugh Gallery, a Cocoa Pebbles chocolate bar cinnamon flavored. Whoa. And I was like, that sounds absolutely disastrous. And then my wife, Sally, was like, I'll eat it.

She took one bite. She's like, this is disgusting. I was like I'll eat it took one bite like this is disgusting I was like yes that was we also took them to a there's so many of those like I think I feel like they overlap with like weed stores they like market to weed people oh sure like? Candy stores that have hard to find candy and everything Jake Paul has ever made. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so- But they're kind of fronts for something else. They must be, yeah, but there's so many of them.

And they're all super well lit. Yes. Yes. But we went to one of those and got some just random stuff. And I saw that they had, you know how you can get pre-made Rice Krispies squares? Oh yeah. They had Lucky Charms squares. Whoa.

I don't know, I'm not a Lucky Charms guy. Is it just the marshmallow? No. Oh, really? Like the full cereal kind of thing? The full cereal with, I'm guessing, marshmallow chunks in it. Oh.

And then stuck together with marshmallow. I'm guessing. I think that's the squares and so underrated. So underrated. They're low key goaded. Low key they slap. Yeah. If I remember like, you know, an event where they have a bunch of different desserts lined up, I really post near the Rice Kris Kis Squares. If it's got chocolate chips in it, I'm not moving for the whole night. Oh, you like that? Yeah.

Look, I like them in all their varieties. Rice Kris Kis Squares rock, the Olympics rock. Yeah. So yeah, the Swedes were here. And now, where we left off with you last week, you were telling us about the first leg of your trip. Yeah. And when you went to.

France. France. France. Paris, France. But now we're picking up. We're picking up. Oh. I went to Berlin, Germany.

Oh. And we took a train from one to the other. Chugga, chugga, chugga. Exactly. You know the one. It went somewhere between 230 kilometers an hour to almost topping out at like 280 kind of thing. Were you on like the channel?

No, we were on just a track. Oh, yeah. Just a regular tunnel. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It didn't take a detour through England. The ocean? Yeah.

Everybody wants to get out for 10 minutes and kind of stretch in England. The train was very fun. That's the longest train ride I've ever been on. Yeah. I've been on longer bus rides, but... When you went to... Didn't you take the train to Toronto once? From...

No, no, not... You wanted to. Yeah, I wanted to. Then you realized that would take four weeks. Yeah, not. You wanted to. Yeah, I wanted to. Then you realized that would take four weeks. Yeah, exactly. Like triple the price of like a little flight or whatever. So got to Berlin, first day, we go to the wall. We check out the wall.

The wall's big. The wall is huge. They say it came down in 1989. Still there. Yeah, still there. It's, they've got like a preserved part of the wall. Yeah. It has like art things on it and memorial. There's a lot of stuff dedicated to the Cold War. Yeah. They got Checkpoint Charlie. They got Checkpoint Charlie. They got, we went to the spy museum and that was all the World War spying.

What is the thing that the guy who decoded, cause like Windtalker or something like that. Oh. They had that machine that they used to like decode. Oh, like the Benedict Cumberbatch one? No. Oh, there was a guy, oh, that's his name. It's Wintocker, the like First Nations guy who used, I don't know the story.

Yeah, neither do I. This museum sucked. There was a part of the- What was the Benedict Cumberbatch movie called though? Yeah. I know. He was like the decoder guy. Yeah, Alan Turing. Ah. I know. He was like the decoder guy. Yeah. Alan Turing.

Yes. Nice. But the movie was called, Not a Beautiful Mind. Yeah. But something like that. It was called, Decode This. Not the Theory of Everything.

No, that was Stephen Hawking. Yeah. Ah. Ah. It was called, Okay, am I looking it up? Yeah. Alan Turing. The imitation game.

Good. All you guys on the Benedict Cumberbatch. They didn't have any displays about that specifically, but. My the Swedes, they used to, the teen boys used to tease me because I thought I looked like Benedict Cumberbatch. You were getting teased by teen Swedes? They used to, the teen boys used to tease me because they thought I looked like a cummerbash. You were getting teased by teen Swedes? Yeah.

Oh man. Getting teased by teens. I'll tell you that 10 times. Teased by teen Swedes. Yeah, teens, if kids can be cruel, teens went bad. They go to new depths. Bad news, yeah. Yeah.

Have you been made fun of by a teen? Yeah, in Victoria we had this issue where there were gangs of youths Running amok no and like causing crime. Really? Yeah, it was actually is but two years ago and it was a big issue They would like attack old people on the street and just beat the shit out of them. Oh jeez Yeah, wow and you would see like these gangs of up to, they would be from like 50 to probably 150 youths. And they were mostly exchange students, just like getting it out, I don't know.

And you would pretend you were one of them, just to, cause they're safety in numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you guys, right? Let's get that guy. I'm more dressed in all the latest teen fashions. Yeah, and I'll let you guys do the punching. I've done a lot in my life. You guys, you're new to it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was scary. You'd put your head down and run down the streets. Yeah. It was a weird time. I've found that in every town that I've been in England, that there's been just a group of teens. Oh, yeah.

I do love the idea of 150 of them. There were so many. Like a marching band. Where are you going young man? I'm just gonna go hang out with 149 other. The youths were crazy. That's crazy, how did they solve this problem? I think they kept, I don't know.

They put up a wall. Calling their moms. Oh shit, that is the kryptonite of a teenager. But like what do you do? Like a kid, that's why youths are so powerful because you can't Truly put them in jail. Take away their phones. Like They'll get expelled, but they'll just go to another school. That's true. Yeah, whenever I see like a Dr. Phil about like a kid That's rambunctious or rebellious. I'm like, man

I don't think this is good. I think you're gonna go home and this is just gonna be the same situation. I don't know, you send kids to military school? I don't know what you do. Yeah, you bring in a boot camp guy to yell at them. Or imagine you brought one into your home and it's just like, oh, come down here. Somebody's here to see you. I mean, that's the dream.

It is the dream, yeah. And then my kids see through this boot camp guy so fast. You're just dad's friend. You were on the podcast. It's just grand. It's just me. It's just me. We get like a B tier level podcast guest.

You know who you are. Come put on a costume. It's like someone the kids haven't seen too much of yeah They haven't seen full metal jackets, so they don't know they have oh they have yeah Watching up there on YouTube. Yeah, so the whole thing's on YouTube It's real full metal Yeah, it's an an offer. I was about to do something everybody watch Haven't seen it actually. Oh, it's very violent.

It's a very violent film. Have you seen it? No. Well, you guys know the assignment and we'll meet here next week. All right. We'll discuss. I'll take the ferry back over.

It's on my to-do list. Oh, by the way, a lot of people, since I talked about being on Letterboxd, a lot of people followed me on Letterboxd. Nice. I don't expect me to do anything on there. It's just like. I don't even really know how it works.

It says, there's one part that says I've reviewed 215 movies but there's another part that says I've reviewed three. I'm like, well, which is it? Yeah. So if you put a movie that you watched and then put a star rating, does that count as a review? Yeah. That's the only review. I haven't written a word and I won't. What's at the top of the pile?

What's a five star? Oh, Back to the Future. Yeah, Back to the Future, absolutely. That's a movie about teens, holy cow. Yeah, yeah, Health to Teens. Yeah, oh man, if you were in a town and they had like a Bif Tanon, you'd be fucked. You'd be fucked.

And be dead. No, I wouldn't be. I'd be so, the fact that I'm friends with a scientist, it gets me, you know, it really greases the wheels. But I was looking up things, things to do in Germany. Yeah. I don't know the lay of the land of Berlin all that well. Big. It's a giant sprawling city. It is a sprawling city and it's new. There's not very many old buildings that were preserved

from World War II. So it's very like anything that's still standing is now just a government office. It's like this was built in 1800 and now it's the Department of Fisheries. Oh, cool, okay. But I found out that there was a puppet museum. So I was like, I gotta see, I gotta get to this puppet museum. The pictures of them online were so freaky. They were like a lot of marionettes.

You can imagine from a hundred years ago, marionettes, so scary. German style. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. With no like, consideration for what children like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like a very like, they were- They're all very beige.

They're very beige and there was one like, on the site that was like a nun and the like, the eyes were all blacked out. Oh. Yeah, they were freaky. I really, really wanted to go see this. And I kind of put it off. I put it off too long because I went one day, it was closed, even though it said on Google that it was open. There was just a slapdash note on the door that said close today. And I was like, God damn it. So the second time- Gone gimin'. These Germans and their sex play.

I'd rather be puppeteering. Yeah, so didn't get to see it. But while I was out, I saw a poster for a Ramones museum. The punk rock band, the Real Ramones had a museum in Berlin. Why? I don't know why.

They're not German, right? They're from New York. Yeah. Okay. So I was like, okay, sure. I'll go to the Ramones Museum. That sounds great. It was really just a bar that had some memorabilia. It had a jacket of theirs and had like some signed stuff.

I was like, well, you're really stretching the word museum to kind of fit in here. And you're like, hey ho, let's go. And so like I got one of the t-shirts from there. And it had like BMMC on the top of the logo. I was like, asked the bartender, I was like, what does that stand for? He's like, I don't know.

He's not been briefed on. I'm not a curator, but bartender. Yeah, bartender slash docent. I don't know what that means. I was like, does she know what it means? She didn't know what it means. I was like, boy, you're not being training days, not going so well at this Ramones theme park. Did you she know what it means? She didn't know what it means. I was like, boy, you're not being a training days, not going so well at this Ramones theme park.

Did you find out what it means? No. Do you still have it? Yeah, but they changed it to be about Berlin. It's like something Berlin, something, something. Well, it's not Blue Mountain Motorcycle Club, BMMC? But it was Berlin something. Oh, well, never mind.

Anyways, so museum-wise, Total Bus. It wasn't some like holdover, like an actual Ramones thing. Oh, like a place they would have played? Yeah. No, no, no. It was... That would be CPGB. Yes, yeah, which is now not a department store, but like a boutique. It was that would be CPGB. Yes. Yeah, which is now

Not a department like a bootie John Varvado. Yeah, I was like a mark Jacobs, but yeah, yeah Whatever is no longer punk rock. So I missed out on two museums and And the third I went to a spy museum. Yeah, it was very good So although the thing of the spy museum that was cool was they had a hallway with laser. Oh, cool. You had to work your way through. Did you make it through with the dyspraxia? No, no, no. I got knocked out almost immediately. Did you do the Catherine Zeta-Jones thing? That's what I, if I could. But my hips won't move. But you have the tools. Yeah, that was the most fun part about that museum. But I didn't really, I didn't, you know, I didn't get into it in Berlin. I feel like Berlin is a place, have you been?

No, no. I've been and I kind of agree. It's like you move there, people love living there. Yeah. But it's not as touristy as. Yeah, that's. And the thing part, like no one wants to do touristy stuff until you go somewhere and there's no touristy stuff.

Yeah, and it was like, you could, exactly, like you could tell there was a cool place to live. And like the place we stayed in was an artist studio, it was gigantic. Women don't shave their armpits. Yeah, and then also they don't do the spaying and neutering there either. Lots of dog balls hanging out.

Oh! Like when was the last time you saw some dog balls? It's been a while. It's been a while. Yeah, it's jarring. Everywhere, wow. Yeah, yeah. But like, there was one thing we were like,

should we go to a nightclub? Because that seems like what Germany's kind of famous for is like dance nightclubs. Do you try to go to Berghain? No, we were thinking about it. We're like, maybe we should just go to be, you know, stand in line or whatever. What's that?

It's like a big legendary all night dance party spot. Yeah, and like you have to, the bouncer looks at you based on what you're dressed in. Did we have to see if you get a guest who went there? Like Amy Shaw stack, maybe maybe. Yeah, because it was like, somebody said you had to go. Oh, you had to go to Bergen. Yeah.

And there's like crazy sex stuff that happens there. It sounds like Shaw stack. There's that one. And then there's one called the Kit Kat Club. Yeah. And we just- I went to the Pink Pony Club. Yeah, what was that?

Just keep dancing, Pink Pony Club. I don't understand this reference. Oh, I know this one. Yeah, yeah, Graham, get on board. Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, we decided as a couple not to go wait in line because it would have been, we wouldn't have got in.

Like that's a far gone place. But you never know. Well, that's what somebody I was with said like, yeah, you should try it. I think you maybe have the right vibe. I have the right vibe for a dance club since when? I don't think it's quite a dance club. You should have to get through the laser maze to get in.

Yeah. That's the vibe we're looking for. So it's not a dance club? It's a lot more of a sex club. Oh, okay. But with dance music? I mean, there's going to be music. Conn-I-Jo?

That was our graduation song. I know that Lady Gaga released like her chromatica album there or something. She did parties there. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there is dancing, but there's also like weird like urine troughs and stuff. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Oh, right. That kind of thing. Yeah. It's a nice place to live with the urine troughs, but as a visitor, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm more but as a visitor. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm more of a jars of urine guy. Oh yeah.

I like a bucket. Oh okay. A bucket or a bottle. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so went to Paris, went to France. In Germany was the Euro Cup while we were there. Oh.

Everything was jammed up, Euro style. Oh yeah. And then Paris was just ahead of the Olympics. Yeah. So I got to see it all. I got to see the cities on their best behavior. Okay. Yeah.

And then at the end I ended up in hospital, but I can't talk about it because they're still working through the insurance. Oh. Yeah. Was it meningitis? They don't know. My head, I can say no, I can say yes.

My head goes each way. Did you get a spinal tap? Mm-hmm. Oh! Yeah, it's unpleasant. It's terrible. Yeah, I am. So you told me all about this.

Yeah. And I, look, Graham can't talk about this, apparently. This is news to me. I thought this is what we were gonna talk about today. But what is a spinal tap? They literally put a syringe like in between the. Yeah like your lower back spine.

I remember. Yeah and then they pull out some juice. I remember one thing that people would say in high school was like oh you can like, talking about drugs. Like if you ever do LSD, you can't be an astronaut. Oh, that's right. Because to be an astronaut, they do a spinal tap and I was like, oh, okay.

And I was like, I don't know what that is. Yeah. I don't. What, how does that have to do with? Exactly. How long does LSD stay in your system? I have no idea. It's like gum, seven years. But also, doSD stay in your system? I have no idea. It's like gum, it's heavy.

But also do they do that to astronauts? I don't know, I always heard that you couldn't do it because you would have an acid flashback in the middle of a plane or whatever. Which- I mean, you probably shouldn't be on LSD in space, like that checks out to me. Yeah, you're already getting a natural high

of being in space. You're in space. I mean, it's totally Kubrickian. See those fricking colors as you're- Oh, as you're zooming around a tube? Space tube? Space tube? But yeah, you know, hospital story for another time. How many days were you in hospital?

Are you allowed to say that? Yeah, I was in there for two days, two days and two glamorous nights. And this was in Berlin. Berlin. Yeah, so not the best way to end a trip. Yeah. But you know, we should have gone to Bergen.

It would have been fine. We were told to go there and we didn't do it. Yeah, there's a lot of people like in horny hospital rooms. Yeah. P-trops. I mean horny hospital rooms over there. Yeah. P-trops. I mean, a hospital P-trop would work. P-I-V. Well, what do you guys think?

Should we move on to some over-hears? Yeah. I'm Jesse Thorne. I just don't want to leave a mess. This week on Bullseye, Dan Aykroyd talks to me about the Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, and his very detailed plans about how he'll spend his afterlife. I think I'm gonna roam in a few places, yes. I'm gonna manifest and roam. All that and more on the next Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you, and remember, no running in the halls. Overheard! Overheard! Something that is a place, a repository, I guess, of funny things you've overheard or seen, or in rare cases, dreamt. And we always like to start with the guest. Okay, Emily Would you please give us your overheard? Okay overheard? When I come to Vancouver, I'm thrilled about the public transport here. Mm-hmm. It's crazy. You guys's buses wild Yeah, what? Man, it's just a different kind of people who take the bus here Okay, good one time I got on the bus here and someone came on with a guard dog a guide dog. Sorry

Freaking out. I was guide dog and they're sitting down and the dog ended up peeing Sure, and then there was just like a bunch of piss sloshing. Yeah My favorite club in Berlin. Yeah, so that one was good. But I was on it this time and we were on the 16 going downtown and the driver missed the turn to go onto Hastings. He just missed his turn and the bus got mad.

It was like a collective, everyone united together. But I had my headphones in, so I hadn't clocked what had happened yet. And then I took them out right when I heard this man going, We the people! Laughter I had no clue! And this lady was just on the phone so loudly, and I felt so bad for this driver because he obviously he messed up he was

having a bad day at work yeah this lady's like yeah I don't know this bus driver just missed his turn and now here we are and you know what I'll wait I'll wait for him to figure it out and everyone else he was he kept being like you guys should probably get off like the next bus will come and everyone just unitedly went I'll wait yeah you we picked this bus specifically so you do your job but I just don't know why this man brought democracy yeah we the people like you're like he's like the bus drivers a tyrant that you're gonna overthrow it was insane so yeah I felt the bus is a real community yeah yeah or like I was on this one and the guy kept forgetting to open the back door Oh, yeah, and everyone just helps each other out and there's always one loud guy who will take over and be the guy who?

Just screams back door. Yeah Yeah, there's always a bus boss there is and then sometimes I'll think about it I'll look at who's on the bus and I'm like, if there was an emergency and it was just us, like what would happen? Like what would our roles be? Yeah. Yeah, it's. I mean, I'd be in charge of getting off the bus.

I'm in an emergency, just let me off. I watched a movie where. Was it Speed? Yeah, it was Speed. How do you guys know? It's about a bus. Yeah. No, it was a movie where people were stranded on an island.

It was all these rich people. And the only one who knew how to do anything was the housekeeper. Was it the zone of, no, not zone of, the Triangle of Sadness? Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Have you seen it?

No, but I heard. But it's like, yeah, who gets to be the boss gets Flipped on its head. Yeah. Yeah You know, yeah, I mean Tony Danza sure classically if he was on the bus takeover Yeah, but there was always a boss. I feel like I've been the boss once Really? Yeah, cuz there's a guy swearing a lot and I was like there's kids here That's what I'm talking about. You were doing the exact thing that I said not to do.

Go flip yourself, you should say. You're mean. But yeah, I've been the boss. I just don't have that kind of power. Like I took the bus one day when I was here with Randy Neumeyer and we got on the bus and this guy sat down right next to us and it was very empty and he was playing music

Out of his phone and she just looked at him and went can you put headphones on that's really annoying Wow I just realized that moment like yeah, we can we could just ask people to do things Yeah, she went I don't like being annoyed. I Like it a lot. Yeah, I understand people being on You know, it was really cool though. It was really powerful. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah Dave over her mine is also public transit related. Well, I so while the Swedes were here, we also went over to Gabriella Island and Abby and I and the kids were gonna drive over on the ferry and then the day

that we were going to go, I was at a store just running some last minute errands and the room started spinning and I was like, what's happening? And I, so I went home, I went to bed and I was like, it couldn't do, I couldn't function. And I've since been to the doctor and they think it was vertigo and there's really nothing to do about it except when it's happening. And so, but that day I was like, I can't go.

And so Abby took the kids, drove over on the ferry and then I started feeling better that night and I booked a flight the next morning. So I was going to go harbor to harbor on the Sunday morning. And so I woke up at like 630, went, took the SkyTrain down to the harbor. And so at 715 in the morning there, I was on the SkyTrain and I was standing up and there was a guy sitting down in front of me He was awake. He had showered. He was like just a normal-looking guy, but I was I could see over his shoulder on the I could see his phone and

Here's what he was searching at. Oh, I have a I took a picture I I've seen people post pictures of what other people are looking at on the SkyTrain. And they're like, that should be private. Don't post that stuff. And it's like, don't look at me. Don't look at it in a public arena. Yeah, yeah.

But this guy at 7.39 in the morning, here are his Google video results. Okay, okay. So he searches, by the way, this is all porno. He was searching porn at 7.30 on a Sunday morning on his way to church. Whoa. And I guess he just searches, gives search terms into Google and then clicks on the video tab,

which, hey man, good for you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so here's the, here are the results. Sexy hairstylist seducing you to cheat on wife, ASMR. What? Oh, wow, okay.

ASMR, wow. It's very specific. Yeah. Video passionate Kimi Kalani at hotteacher.dot.dot. Never found out the rest of that. Sure. Kimi Kalani in I want, okay, there's gonna be a sexy word here. Yeah.

Kimi Kalani in I want you to come on my face, A-S-M-R-J-O-I. Wow. What is JOI? Graham, it's Jackoff Instruction. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What is J.O.I.? Graham, it's Jack-Off Instruction. I paid my tuition and I want some instructions, please. And then the final one, my favorite one, was Sletty Asian Licking Your Marshmallow Covered Dick. No!

What? That's somebody who likes a Rice Krispies. Oh, wow! What? Now that's somebody who likes a Rice Krispies. Yeah, oh man. What a way to start the day. Yeah, at 7.30, they're like, you can't, looks like it's going to work. I feel like he was going to a haircut. What salon opens at 7.30?

Porn salon. Yeah. Just inducing you to cheat on your wife. Cheat on your wife. Snip, snip, snip. Not with me. That's good. Anyway, that's what public transit, that's the kind of stuff you get on public.

Hey, and Victoria, you still got the double-decker buses? Oh, yeah. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy you guys don't have double deckers over here. I know man. That's stupid. Oh man. But we do have those... There was talk about getting trolley tracks, like the trolley lines. Do those make it so you can't have double deckers? No, of course not. No, but like... Yeah, no, where they

would be you couldn't do a double decker. What do those lines help with? Electric buses. Oh. The buses that are attached to those lines. Right, right, right. Yeah. I just thought it helped them stay in the lane or something. No, and then you'll be on a bus and the little rods that attach them will come loose and the guy has to get out.

That's what happened when my driver forgot to turn. Oh, are you sure? I bet that was very noisy. Yeah. Yeah, and it's, oh, you can tell how pissed off the bus drivers are when that happened. Yeah. He's gotta put on a, hive his vest. Just go out what you're wearing Oh, I had a driver just pull over on the side of the road

And then he put on his vest and he just ran and he was gone for like five minutes I'm pretty sure he had to pee. Yeah, but that was a moment where it was like me and the bus people Yeah, like who's in charge now Who was it who stepped up to the back? I was assessing everyone and I was I started I have a bus drivers license You do I have a bus drivers license the hell so I was like, maybe I do it What if I take over I I can leave? Oh, you just use a drive. You can legally steal this Yeah, wow Yeah. Wow. Why? Why?

Why do you have a bus? There was a year of my life where I ran wine tours. Oh. And I would drive the bus like over the Malahad on the island and take people to wineries. I was terrible at it. I had to take the bus driving test four different times. I crashed the bus once. but it was filled with Australians when I did it, so it was fine.

It was fine, they were chill. But yeah, it was an insane time of my life. And I was the highest rated tour guide, but I would just drop the people at the winery, go off, get hammered, and then I would go chain smoke cigarettes in the parking lot. Were you not supposed to just do that? No, I was supposed to sit there and talk to them about the wine.

I was like, you're all on a bachelorette party. You don't want me to kill the vibe. Yeah. I'll just be smoking. Did you have to know stuff about wine for this job? Yeah. Do you? Yeah.

Okay. You got your reds, your whites. Yeah, and your rosé. We all know that's just a mix of both of them. Yeah. Well, I had some rosé. You just rosé. And we all know that's just a mix of both of them. Yeah. Well, I had some rosé. You just combine them, you're good. In my trip, I had rosé for the first time ever.

It's nice. Do you know what it really is? Yeah. What? It's a white wine with a little bit of skin contact from the red wine grapes, but not fully. Do you know what the reverse with the red wine with no skin contact is? That's an orange wine.

That's orange wine. Yes. Ha ha. Ha ha. Okay. Yeah. Which I always thought was orange. It was made of orange.

I thought that for a bit too. I was like, wow, they're making wine out of oranges. Crazy. You make wine out of anything, really. I mean, yeah. Like it's more of a cider when you do that. When you just let a bunch of stuff ferment and then strain it. Yeah.

Yeah. Perunno they call it. I guess that's because it's got contact with perunns. Yeah. We had a rug in our backyard for a while and it's been fermenting. I finally threw it in the garbage can. Like it's too big. I was like, this is too big to fit in the garbage can.

But then it got so moldy. I was like, okay, well, we'll have a crab in it. Um, my overhead comes, uh, courtesy of, uh, there's a big hall on main street, but the heritage hall and it's a host to a lot of weddings. That's like a lot of weddings and it was a nice day. So the doors were open and you could just like look in and see what was going on and I saw it was that I believe probably the maid of honors speech and we just heard this snapshot but she said yes I know I just quote a trek but for those of you who don't know that was the theme

of Leah's bachelorette so it's not not bad good good theme Leah's Bachelorette. Oh! Yeah. So it's not bad. Good theme for a Bachelorette. Yeah. What do you, what quote from Shrek applies to this speech? To a... Don't care. Don't care. Sure.

I hosted a Shrek-themed drag show once. Nice. And I was Shrek and they were all in my swamp. Are we getting, are we, have we reached peak Shrek themed drag show once nice and I was Shrek and they were all in are we getting are we? Have we reached peak Shrek are we are we getting overloaded with Shrek? There's a new Shrek coming out Okay, yeah, it's gonna get bigger. Yeah, it'd be more Shrek. Is that Shrek five? Yeah Cameron Diaz is coming out of retirement for it. She's retired? Well, she's kind of from acting. Oh, what is she? She's driving a bus?

Oh. Keep her busy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take on the Cameron reality tour. That's where I shot Charlie's Angels and Cameron Diaz tour. Yeah. Yeah, this is where the mask was made. This is where he said smoking.

I'll play you a clip. Yeah. So do you think what happened at their Shrek Bachelorette party? I don't know, I'll have to talk about it. I mean, presumably there were male strippers with green pein. Green pein. Green pein, Green peen. Green peen. My favorite vegetable. Now we also have overheards sent in to us by people all over.

Hopefully they didn't have marshmallow on their peen. We have overheard sent in by people all over the map. If you want to send one in, send it in to SBY at maximumfun.org I have two here and I'll have to find the third one but I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier picked up an item to scan it and stared at it cashier I don't know what the code for this is me it's fennel after some silence it's also called anise cashier well it's about to become lemons. I guess you buy, yeah, fennel is just like a, I only see it as a seed in the spice aisle,

but I guess you get a big, like a celery stalk looking thing. Yeah, it tastes terrible. That's me at a self checkout, like everything's bananas. Yeah. Oh sure. Yeah. Yeah, the shit is bananas. It was the song. Yeah. Yeah. Oh sure. Yeah. Yeah, this shit is bananas. It was the song. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, I know bananas. I know that bag of jujubes is 604 because that's our every code What grocery store save on foods? Okay. Yeah, they've got a great bulk section both candy and otherwise Yeah, you have a see you have a save on to Victoria Yeah, I always, I do petty crime sometimes, petty theft. I usually take a roast chicken. Just take it? You steal a roast chicken? That's my move. In a-

Wow. I just leave it in the shopping cart. So I'll pay for everything else. I just leave the chicken in the bottom of the shopping cart. Yeah. Oh, okay. And then if anyone asks, I go, oh, you're right. I forgot about that chicken. I'll pay for it, of course.

But I've never had anyone ask. Yeah. Wow. Where do you go, thrifty? Go thrifty foods? Save on foods. Save on foods? Yeah, I take groceries. I do, I steal road chicken.

Ever go thrifty foods? No, well, those would be, it would be smarter to steal from there because they're so expensive. Oh yeah? Yeah, thrifties is expensive. Really? So it's the opposite of what they claim to be. Oh, yeah.

It's like, yeah. Well, the smiles in the aisle for you. What is that? That's their jingle. The smiles in the aisle for you. The thrifty birds. It's thrifty. What's the one with Darryl? Darryl is Savon. Savon. Yeah. He wears a vest. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. OK. You guys don't have Sobeys here, right?

No. We got Safeway. What was the other one when I lived in Victoria? There was thrifties and fairway mark. Oh fairway markets good Yeah, cuz that has a really good international food section. Yeah. Yeah, what do they got? They got a lot of like different Asian foods. Got beans on toast They got sausage rolls The views I've the like every grocery store now has like a little British. Yeah, it's insane. Like a shelf that's got like.

It's just got like Cadbury. Yeah, got a Flake Bar and some weird Heinz product. Yeah. Next overheard here. If I may, if I may move on to the next overheard here, uh, if I may, if I may move on to the next over, uh, I was visiting Quebec city and was in the old town. A woman was singing la vie en rose in a square. And then here an American tourist say sounds French.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Celine Dion singing at the opening ceremony. Oh, I was in tears. There's no, you can't top it. How are you going to top Celine Dion for at the opening ceremony. Oh, I was in tears. It was beautiful. There's no, you can't top it. How are you going to top Celine Dion for the closing ceremonies?

You know, who's Lady Gaga was part of the opening ceremony? Yeah, I'm confused about that. They're international, these games. Yeah. Okay. They're not worried about just being French. Yeah, they had plenty of French stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. And then they had Lady Gaga because I guess she said bad romance had some French lyrics in it. Oh, okay, sure. And she was doing like cabaret style feathers and what not. I couldn't really take it, so I switched it off. You're not a Gaga fan. No, I'm a Gaga fan.

Okay. Yeah, I like a Gaga. But you switched the whole thing off or just hurt. You don't like the feather? Yeah, no, I didn't enjoy it. So I switched to something else and then I went back to it. Yeah. Interesting.

I found the whole thing. Look, I love the Olympics. I love the opening ceremony. This was great. Then they didn't do it in the stadium. I thought that was super cool. That was super cool. It was over the river.

Four hours is too much. That is fun. It was four hours river. Four hours is too much. That is fun. It was four hours long. Yeah. And then like it was, they kept introducing new stuff. Like there was the heavy metal thing with all the like Mary Antoinette. There was all the like musical stuff.

And then there was the like fashion show. And then they just stopped introducing stuff and it was fashion show, fashion show, fashion show, fashion show. Enough of that. But I like that they kept like, because I feel like in other ceremonies, they would have just the like, they would have a little play that they do in the beginning. Then they bring in all the athletes, then they have a big show at the end or vice versa. But once the athletes are going,

it's just athletes for hours. But this was cool because it was like, well, cut away from the athletes and bring up some new thing. Yeah. There was also like a weird cutaway dramatic thing of somebody doing parkour. Yeah. The hooded figure.

Yes. Yeah. And then there was a long thing of somebody on an electric horse. Yeah. And it went on forever. And I missed the minions, apparently the minions. I didn't see the minions. Yeah, I guess we all missed the minions.

Well, I was told the minions were part of it. So maybe, but if none of us saw it then. The minions have been speaking French the whole time. Well, Illumination is a French company. The guy who I think voices them is maybe French. There's one guy that does all the minions? I don't know. But yeah, good opening ceremony.

Maybe fewer countries next time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it was like some countries got their own boat and then Canada was on a boat with like three other countries. Yeah, it was sort of like, I feel like that was like a logistical. We didn't get our own boat and then Canada was on a boat with like three other countries. Yeah it was sort of like I feel like that was like a logistical. We didn't get our own boat. No. But there's a lot of us right? We're a big country. Yeah they were like Canada won't complain. I also like that they do everything even not even when it's not in France for some reason they do it in French order. Yeah. So it's like. Right.

Isn't there a thing like the last year. it starts with Greece and then it just goes alphabetically by like Yes, and then France is the last one kind of thing. Maybe this year I don't know what's the France guy win this swimming the other day. Oh big deal. Yeah in your own backyard You know, did he shave his shoulders? He did. Well, no, he had huge bushy shoulders. That's what gave him an advantage Spoke This last one comes from mark from South Dakota Few weeks ago my wife overheard two women at Costco talking As they stood in front of one another at the freezer cases one woman said I really want to try eggplant parmesan

But I'm scared Well the best place to try it is the freezer at the grocery store. Have you ever had eggplant parmesan? No, it's good. I'm scared. Understandable. It's basically like a fried eggplant. I just I like chicken. Why change it? Mm hmm. That's chicken parmesan. Yeah, I like a chicken parm.

I like that eggplant parmesan. Is eggplant the baby cow or that's chicken parmesan. Yeah, I like a chicken parm. I like eggplant parmesan Is eggplant the baby cow? Or that veal? No, I haven't had eggplant parmesan, but I get eggplant something when I get Indian food, oh, yeah, okay Yeah, that's it's a popular and eggplant is like probably the emoji. I send the most. Oh yeah, that's right. I send the clown one, clown and then the spraying one. And that's- Spraying? Yeah, it looks like droplets. Like the water droplets?

Yeah, water droplets. That to me is like the cum one. No, I say it's seltzer to me. You're getting seltzer by a clown. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had to take it to some nasty place.

I'm sorry, that's just where my thought goes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had to take it to some nasty place. Sorry, that's just where my thought goes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if our listeners will forgive us, we have a few more overhears. In addition to overhears that are written and we also accept your phone calls. If you wanna call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631, that's one.

Spypod one, like these people have. I just do it because I know people are shouting along with me. What's that number again? One. Okay. Hi, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Ryan from Ohio calling with an overheard. I work with a really dumb lady and I heard her say, just as I tuned into the conversation she was having,

well, I don't understand that. That's way above my pay-per-view. And judging by some of the other things she said, I think that is just what she thought the phrase was. Off I go. I love that he works with somebody who's quite dumb. I haven't like, I'm very lucky. First of all, born with a butthole.

Yeah, that's right. But also it's been a long time since I worked with someone I didn't like. Oh, that's nice. When like, when you work with someone, you're like, oh, this dumb idiot. Yeah, definitely. I had a lot of that at the spa.

Yeah. Oh yeah. A lot of dumb. Yeah. I had a job where dumb was. Yeah, definitely. I had a lot of that at the spa. Yeah. Oh yeah. A lot of dumb. Yeah. What have I done with dumb people? I feel like I've worked in a warehouse or two

that didn't require an intelligence test of any sort. Yeah. Sure, well like, yeah, it's never like, oh, this guy messed up so bad. It made my job harder. Like, oh, I'm gonna stay late and fix this guy's mess up. But like, oh God, he's gonna say something stupid. I'm gonna have to listen to this guy say stuff. Yeah.

We were, our work was like across from City Hall where all the marches have been happening every week. And my coworker stood there one day and she was like, oh, they're going on their little walk now. Here they go. No, it's a bit more than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not just a stroll. Not a stroll.

The annual stroll through the park. Yeah. Yeah, I have been in a job where I've had two very lazy employees. As one guy got fired for taking the golf guard out and then had a place that he just went and slept for half an hour and then he came back and just like, oh, delivery's done or whatever. He got caught. Then another guy I worked with,

he was very subtle about how lazy he was. He'd take a long time to do anything. So it wasn't that he wasn't doing his job, but he's doing it so slow that everybody's doing it faster than him. And then he just kept. Well, in these parts, we take it easy. You got lemonade, if you like.

I do remember the dumb guy who got fired for sleeping at work. But before that, there was a group of guys and they loved that told the story on the podcast so many times, but they loved like, cars, they like they had like a Camaro and whatever. And one guy, one time a guy invited me to go, Dave, this weekend, I've got to get rid of my tires. So I'm going to go do donuts in the parking lot if you want to come watch. That's pretty cool. I didn't do it but they this was the year that the first here's how old I am. Want to feel old?

This is the year that the first Fast and the Furious movie came out. Oh yeah. And these car guys were like okay we're gonna see it opening night because we want to see before it gets banned. This movie is so dangerous. Yeah. And in the first one, isn't the crime they're trying to crack somebody that does black market DVD players? I think was it that one or is that the one or in the first one did they drive their cars to space Yeah, they've been Started in space and worked their way back. Yeah, there's very few places left for the franchise to go Oh, and I watched under the sea. I Watched the

Most recent one and it's a two-parter. So it's like I paid for whole movie, only got half movie. Yeah. Yeah. Same with the new Spider-Man cartoon. So mad. Because again, it doesn't advertise that it's part one or part two.

So I got half movie. I don't like that. Yeah. I would complain. Yeah. Yeah. That Spider-Man cartoon one messed with my mind. Oh. Absolutely. that Spider-Man cartoon one, messed with my mind.

Absolutely. Like when it ended and I wasn't over, I was like, well, that's just another way you're messing with my mind. Anyway, here's your next phone call. Hi guys, this is Meredith from Southern Maine and I'm calling in an overdream. Oh yeah, I just need to mention, I have very boring dreams and I sometimes share them on the show.

Like a dream that my travel agent was retiring. That's important to this I was waiting for like one final. No, like I couldn't find one of the lids or something. That's nice. It is constant. You got those lids. I mean, we got some lids that go on multiple pans and that's good. Yeah, lids I've got under control.

Tupperware, oh buddy. Oh boy. I used to have dreams that were, yeah, so realistic. Cause I was on a lot of, I was on a heavy dose of antidepressants. Oh, okay. So I would have just that were, yeah, so realistic. So I was on a lot of, I was on a heavy dose of antidepressants. So I would have just like the most real dreams that I would wake up in the morning and confuse them with real life and reference things.

And my friends would be like, that never happened. That's cool. It was scary. Maybe I'm on antidepressants. Yeah, you never pour your own orange juice. So you never know what's being put in there. I mean, the lady gives me the pills I take every day. She comes by three times a day.

And then she checks under my tongue, makes sure I haven't hidden them in there. That's right. Put it in cheese so that you'll eat it. And here's your final phone call. Hello, Dave, Graham, and probable guests. I'm going to guess Caitlin Howden. No, don't do that. Caitlin calling from Los Angeles.

Oh, now I know why. I've overheard of the kids say the darndest variety. I live in an apartment building with an open-air courtyard, so everyone's front doors open up into this shared space. And as I'm walking through the courtyard to my front door, my neighbor's door is opened by their five-ish year old son. And he opens it just far enough to stick his little butt out the door. And I'm trying to figure out what he's doing.

His back is facing me, but he's just putting his little butt outside. And he finally noticed me instead. Oh, mom told me to stop stinking up the place. I'm a real Rudy Tootie. Amazing. Oh, that's so cool. Okay. Love you. Off I go. That's funny, Rudy Tootie. That's good. I feel like that's a thing in different families they would refer to gas as different things.

Rudy Tootie seems like a pretty standard. My friend does that though. They'll bend in half and then stick their butt out windows and fart. Just on command. I hate to break it to this person, but the fart stays with you. It doesn't just go away forever. It's with you for like a minute. Yeah. Yeah.

You got to, you got to stay in the bathroom for a while. Light a candle. Yeah. And I just want to apologize to anyone out there born without a butthole or family members of people born without a butthole. It happens. It happens. There's that one kid.

Who didn't know until this podcast that JOI was jerk-up instructions. Like myself, I'm taking it. It's a shock. It's a shock to the system. And like, if you need any, don't go to the porn sites. Just ask us. We'll tell you what to do.

Don't give them any more, don't give them the satisfaction. Just text us. Graham's gonna post his phone number. Yeah, yeah, yeah, text me anytime, day or night. You know, post it on my letterboxed and I'll tell you what five-star movie to watch. They probably have that for Porto, right?

Letterboxed? Ooh. You probably have a horny name for it. What are my five stars? Yeah, Tar. Tar's not a five star. No? Oh. Well, Moneyball.

Moneyball's maybe a four. Really? Four and a half. What about Mamma Mia? Mamma Mia's five, yeah. Yeah, good, good. I don't know how to find mine. But stay tuned, we'll talk about it next week.

Emily. Yeah. Thank you so much for being our guest. Thanks for having me. Yeah, and where can people find you online if they wanna see more of Emily? Yeah, they can find me on Instagram at Emily Rose Woods with a Z at the end. Whoa, okay. Yeah, they can find me on Instagram at Emily Rose Woods with a Z at the end. Whoa, okay. Yeah.

With a little snake on it. Yeah, that's the best place. And then hopefully in the next six months, I'm going to have an album coming out. Cool. So we'll do some of that. Do you already have a name? Okay, I'm trying to decide. Okay.

We were thinking of the title queer adjacent Emily Woods okay I got a lot of stuff about that or spaghag spaghetti yeah I think it's probably spaghag yeah my sibling was trying to sell me on that and I was like I don't have a joke about old spaghetti factory yet but I got a right one yeah yeah for that title I have to I I love it I'm Yeah. Yeah. For that title, I have to. I love it. I'm a big fan of bands name their album, not one of the songs.

Yeah. I enjoy that. And the cover picture could be you in a bathtub full of spaghetti like gummo. That's perfect. That's a five-star one. Well, thank you again for being here, I guess. Yeah, thank you. And thank you again for being here, I guess. Yeah, thank you. And thank you out there for listening to the show.

And it's been so nicely, by the way. Everyone's been so polite. Yeah, yeah, they... You've all been using your inside voices. Nobody's opening a candy the whole time. Yeah. No, you've been good. You've been great. So we want the exact same bunch of you next week. And I want you to just remember that like we've got a very

important speaker next time from the army. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.