Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 88 - Mike Paterson

Episode Date: November 16, 2009

Comedian Mike Paterson joins us to talk about Quebec, tribute bands, and wrestling.  Then we come up with stage names for ourselves.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 88 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. 88, the year of our Calgary Olympics. Yeah, well 1988, not 88 AD. Yeah, or 2088, which according to John Cusack we won't be around for.

Yeah, I saw High Fidelity. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is the king of beers, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I take the cap off, and then I put it on my head. And that makes you, yeah, king of beers. That's how you crowned yourself the king of beers. And our guest today, a very funny comedian, all the way from Montreal, Quebec, traveling all across the country with the Just for Laughs comedy tour. Actually, it's a Capital One comedy tour. Just for Laughs comedy tour. Actually, it's a Capital One comedy tour.

Just for Laughs comedy tour. Just in case I mentioned the sponsor. Mr. Mike Patterson. Hi, and 88 happens to be Eric Lindros' number of concussions. He got, ha ha, ha ha, hey, start off with a joke. There it was.

So, thank you very much for being our guest. Let's get to know us. Sure. Get to know us. 88 is also the amount of miles per hour to go back in time. It is. Yeah. And is 8 super lucky in the Chinese culture?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So 88. It's like 11 times as lucky. in the Chinese culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So 88 is like 11 times as lucky. And 8 is how many free chicken wings you get at the Montreal Sports Bar Casual Spore if the Montreal Canadiens score five goals.

Wow. So you get people going like, Les Zelles de Poulet, blah. They're like crazy. It's like a crazy number. Do you bring in your stub? You get a ticket. Actually, I've actually been in a Casual Spore

when they were selling, when they got five goals and everybody started chanting Le Zelle, Le, which means the wings, the wings,

the wings. And then everybody got coupons and they started like going crazy, like French people crazy. What is the difference between English people crazy and French people crazy? All right,

let's do it. This is English person crazy. Oh, and this is French people crazy. All right, let's do it. This is English person crazy. And this is French people crazy. I don't know. I'm English. Okay.

So I can't go that French crazy. They'll be like... That whole thing was crazy. And I'm crazy. It's good to be in your house. Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming been i'll turn you down me yeah it's gonna get a lot louder uh but you're you're uh you're at this point you're like a road weary yeah i'm like so travel-y i've been across to every single city in canada including Cape Breton. Wow.

Yeah. You know where that girl got attacked by those coyotes? Yes. I was in that town like three days before. It could have been you. Yeah, exactly. I was like, it could have been me. Yeah.

Had you gone for a hike. It could have been you instead of the coyotes. That's what I thought he meant. I could have attacked that girl. No. I have a girlfriend. I wonder if those coyotes had mates as well. Maybe.

You're right, actually. Okay. That wasn't so far off. Work is work. And so every town – so like in four weeks, you've become as traveled as some comics who spend their entire year on the road. Oh, heck yeah. Oh, heck yeah. Oh, heck yeah. It's crazy.

It's just insane, and you just get into every town. We had like three days off in Toronto just to get really bored. Ha ha. No. That's a joke against Toronto. We all pretend to hate Toronto. All right. I like Toronto.

Do you like Toronto? Oh, I love it. It's one of my happy cities. It really is, but you've got to pretend that you hate it. When you're on stage, right? You got to say like, Toronto, and then roll your eyes and everybody goes, ooh. Except for when you're in Toronto. And then you're going to be like, I love Toronto.

Every comedian does that. They're like, oh, Toronto. Ha ha, big laugh. Then they get to Toronto. They're like, oh, I like Toronto. What city do you make fun of when you're in Toronto? Because every other city I know. Cornwall.

No? That's where my dad's from. Cornwall, Ontario. Yeah, yeah. Where dreams go to die is the stock line that everybody uses. The other thing is that you differentiate what you're – the real Mike and what's just a bit. Oh, this is just a bit everyone does. I'm going to do some bits bits there's this guy called Cosby

he's like well you know Cornwall no I can't the smell in Cornwall actually the plant is closed is it really? so like yeah

so it's a super depressed town yeah one thing that I really like to do well it's turning into a retirement community but I like to tell other comedians that come into

like Ontario, Montreal they're like oh yeah i guess i'll make fun of the smell in cornwall i'm like actually the plants uh the paper plant closed down so it doesn't smell anymore so you can't make fun of uh cornwall people smelling but you make fun of them for being poor because they don't have the plant anymore until they smell they smell. They smell from no laundry. What did the plant make? Paper. Paper. Paper and pulp. And stank, I imagine. And stank. Plenty of stank. Stank plant? Yeah. Speaking of Bill Cosby,

Bill Cosby was here in Vancouver speaking to high school students. Did you see that on the news? Really? Yeah. And he came out. This is the craziest part of it because I would think these are kids that were never alive when he was popular right and he comes out in his like sweatpants and sweatshirt and his matrix glasses and he sat down and it showed the crowd and they were captivated by this old guy because i imagine imagine half of them are like, why are we – we're getting out of class.

But he's so – I'm so enraptured. I grew up – my family values come from the Cosby Show. Sure. I'm 35. I can see by your sweater. Yeah. I like to wear Argyle sweaters and talk about delivering babies. But I actually never go

deliver babies, but that's my job. I spend most of my time at home talking to people. Just hanging out with the kids. Yeah. Is that what he was? He was an OBGY? He was a baby deliverer. Yeah.

He was an OBGY. Yeah, that's right. He was an OBGY. He was. Yeah. There's like two episodes where he's like actually in the hospital. Did he have a- He had an office in the basement.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. A la Growing Pains where – Yeah, he was a psychiatrist. No, if you were going to – Remember Growing Pains? He was a –

Yeah. Alan Thicke was a psychiatrist. Yeah. Would you feel comfortable if you were trying to come to grips with some degree of mental struggle showing up at some dude's like palatial suburban house? And you'd have to drive there. Who knows how crazy these people were? He's like, I'm losing my grip on reality here.

I'm just going to get in my car and drive over to Alan Thicke's place. It's really strange to have a psychiatrist's office out of the range of a cab. Because what if somebody was having a panic attack, and they're like, I've got to see Dr. Seaver. You had no options. Yeah. But anyway, I would listen to bill cosby for like hours i'd just be like whatever you want to tell me yeah no i guess i would too but it was funny because he was talking about when he was a teenager and these kids i mean i don't know if they edited the footage hang out with mush mouth

the other one kid who was really fat. Alfred? I don't remember that. My applause. How many kids here are in a junkyard gang? So now you're at the end of your tour, and then you're going to go back to Montreal. I'm going to go back home to my beautiful girlfriend. Which is great. Which is the best, because she loves me. And she listens to all beautiful girlfriend. Which is great. Which is the best, because she loves me.

And she listens to all my crap. I was trying to tell some story to some of the other guys on the tour, and they were like, this story's going nowhere. What are you talking about? I'm like, ugh. I just told this to my girlfriend.

Oh, what was it? No, I had vegetarian sushi in some town, and I just went nuts. I was like, because I'm a vegetarian, so I like to eat vegetarian sushi. People were like, it's got to be fish blah blah i'm like no i don't need fish so i just got some vegetarian sushi and i'm like so i got some vegetarian sushi and it was delicious and they were like so but i called my girlfriend and i'm like i got vegetarian sushi it's like oh you love doing that i'm like like, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. You loved. I'm right. They're wrong. What's in a vegetarian sushi? You can get like everything. Cucumber, avocado. Avocado.

Like sometimes they make like tempura vegetables and then they'll get like asparagus. Oh, yeah, yeah. That sounds good. Sometimes tofu. You love that. I love that. Exactly. I would love it. This was like the kind of show of all of a sudden you just open up a little drawer,

and because we know you love vegetarian sushi so much, and you're in Vancouver, we've got new – I'm like, oh, no, guys. I don't think we even have a drawer. There are no sushi drawers. It's just been in like a drawer for like two days. I got Mike P on the show. We're going to stick some of this sushi in there. Like the hot dog drawer at the stadium.

So, but head to the thing, because you are a vegetarian. Yes. And you were traveling, surely, to some cities that were not the most vegetarian. I've been on the road long enough that I know what to do,

and it's been working out. Because I'm a vegetarian as well. Oh, look at that. So I have a lot of trouble. When I leave BC, I then become bewildered. You guys can just say this. You look like the two least likely vegetarian. That's actually my bit, actually.

No, sorry. You're one of those undercover vegetarians. Yeah, I'm one of those. I'm a fat vegetarian and all that. You're like, how much salad does that guy eat? That's a lot of that. I'm always like, you know, what are you, like, eating croutons the size of your

head? And then, like, crowds go nuts. And then the horn section. I didn't mean to set you up for one of your bits. Well, no, no, we can do that. I apologize. So what do you do when you're in Alberta? Like, if you're in Alberta... Actually, my girlfriend is from Alberta. Right.

So the first time I went out there, I was like – I was so – and then we continued on to BC and we went to Revelstoke and I was so happy because I was so hungry. Yeah. Like it was crazy. You didn't eat in Alberta. But now I've gotten there – I've gone there so many times that I found all the little places to go and a lot of times you just go and you just buy some stuff at a grocery store. You just gotta get yourself to a grocery store and then you're making some kind of sandwich

and salad thing. In your hotel room. In your hotel room with little packets. It's so crazy. For our foreign listeners, Alberta is a place that runs on beef. Yeah, it's very like... Everything's powered by beef. Okay, it's like really... Everything's powered by beef.

Okay, okay. It's like really... They have this thing called the Stampede. Yeah. And it's like a stampede. It's like bullfighters and bull... No, bull riders. Toreadors. And all this.

But it's also a fair. So there's like a crapload of cows. And my brother-in-law knows of this. In the corral, there's a bar in the corral. We always go. Have you been to that? I used to work at the Stampede in the catering department. Okay.

But you know there's that in the bar. So we always go to the bar. We put our cowboy hats on. We're always drinking. I'm like, whirr. And I asked this old man to take a picture of me and my – because we've been taking pictures there for a couple of years now. Right. Like just in our cowboy hats.

Like these are two big cowboys, and, like, he's, like, a huge man, and I'm, like, I look the way I look, which is, like, just imagine, I don't know, like a big doofus in a cowboy hat, basically. And then this guy, and then we found out

that he's, like, the guy who's the head of the beef commission, the Alberta Beef. So he's, like, giving us keychains that says, beef, Alberta Beef, and my brother-in-law's like, oh mike's gonna talk about being a vegetarian mike's gonna tell him oh you know you know factory farms blah blah i don't know about the way you handle your beef what i said to him was uh wow that's great delicious wow because i was so afraid of this guy

like the beef mafia, they came and got you. If they found out I was a vegetarian, they'd be like, time to get out the ropes. I was so scared. He's like, want some beef turkey?

I'm like, oh, thank you. Thank you very much. And I was like, I'm just going to bring it back and give it to my girlfriend. He's like, do you want to try something? I'm like,

no, my girlfriend is not here. She would really, she'd really like this. She'd get super upset if I ate it all. Yeah, yeah. So he's like, I understand. I'm like, so, my girlfriend is not here. She would really – she'd really like this. She'd get super upset if I ate it all. Yeah, yeah. So he's like, I understand. I'm like so afraid of this guy. My wife's the same way.

If I don't share the beef jerky with her. Yeah, for years in Alberta, the big – like the bumper sticker. They designed this bumper sticker that didn't have any words on it. It was just – well, it had a letter. It said I and then heart and then the alberta and then a cattle head so that you never even had to speak english to understand how much they map you had to know where you were or where that person was from yeah yeah uh because otherwise it would be like, I broken saw. Yeah.

That's my key chain. It's back at the hotel. But my key chain is a leather. I'm not one of those vegetarians. But it was just given to me. The cow was already eaten. But I got, I heart cow. And it says a picture of a cow. And it says very well.

Because I do. I love cows. Yeah. Well, yeah. I love coyotes. Go to Cape Breton. That was crazy, by the way. That was crazy.

That is insane. I do not advocate any coyote attacks. No. People listen to this podcast and are like, this guy really likes coyote attacks. No, I don't agree with that. Whether you're pro or con coyote attacks, you're not going to be able to influence the coyotes.

Okay, good. They're wild. Are you sure about that? They don't listen. Okay, just a message to any young coyotes out there. If you're out thinking about attacking people, it's not a good idea, is what I'd say.

It's very rude. Yeah. It is quite rude. And it was a tragic story. It's a horribly tragic story. It's bringing the gravity back. Right. There was a person.

Dave. Yeah. What's going on with you this week? Well, in the past week, did you ever watch the Beatles anthology? When it was on TV? Yeah. Yes. No, I did.

You didn't watch it? I don't care about the Beatles. That's interesting. Really? Like the Beatles, you're just like, whatever. Did you watch it when it was originally on TV? I watched it when it was originally on. And then this past week, I watched...

We had the DVDs for years and years and never watched them. Right. And last weekend, we started watching them. It's about 10 hours, and we watched it all in the past week. Wow. Yeah. Do you feel closer to the Beatles? No.

See, because I remember watching it, and the big, like, I don't want to say the big idea, but the big premise was you were going to watch all this Beatles stuff, and then they were going to come out with, like, a new collection and new, like, books and all this stuff. And then they were going to release this like new beatle song yeah and like so that was the thing is like you it was kind of like if you put up with 10 hours of this beatle documentary at the end of it you will get to hear a brand new beatle song that features all four of them and like you know previously recorded tracks or whatever and it's all remastered whatever yeah and then it was like it wasn't a bad song but it certainly wasn't like the song that

justified 10 hours of b-roll and like and like this is a band that like you know they were done being a band like eight years before i was even born and then by the time i got into music people like do you want to listen to this band they're from like 20 years ago this is you should be listening to this band i'm like i don't know i'm gonna listen to this band? They're from like 20 years ago. You should be listening to this band. I'm like, I don't know. I'm going to listen to Metallica. I'm sorry. You heard of Metallica?

They're a band. Then they got all crappy. Yeah. So music just hurts, man. Music hurts. Well, that's it. And I mean, like the Beatles thing, they don't want to. People just, they're never going to kind of let that just be.

Let it be. They're not going to let of let that just be. Let it be. They're not going to let it be. I know. Just so you know, there's a big sign. Like, he wrote that out. Like, don't ever let it be, and then we're all supposed to laugh. No, I'm kidding.

That was great about you just playing that joke. That was awesome. A lot of people that don't, have never seen the live taping of the podcast, don't know that there's a cue card guy here. And there's an applause sign uh but i i the i kind of always wanted to watch it but i i um i watched it when i was when it was originally on and then i wanted to re-watch it but i really don't care about the early beatles and so i don't ever like that was the hardest part was just getting into episode one oh okay

like you didn't care that they came from no and i don't like their early, that was the hardest part was just getting into episode one. Oh, okay. Like, you didn't care that they came from... No, and I don't like their early music as much. Do you know what's crazy? I liked them once they had mustaches. My friend, Josh Stubbs, traveled to Liverpool because he was a big Beatles fan. I took the Magical Mystery Tour when I was in Liverpool, yeah. Did the bus go by Pete Best's house? Maybe.

Because he said that apparently... Pete Best was the original Beatles drummer. Yeah. And he lives in Liverpool. And that is... And apparently he still plays in a Beatles tribute band. Wow. It's crazy.

Yeah, he's living the craziest possible life like he walked away from it or get was kind of given the boot because he wouldn't like that was the one thing they all they all had the rockabilly look right and then they were like we're gonna transition into this mod suits and bowl cut look and he didn't so then it was three of them in this new look i think the reason still in the rockabilly i think the reason they switched because ringo was much better but wasn't it that he wasn't showing up at rehearsals and then ringo stepped into the uh to the void or something yeah ringo had played with him before anyway but anyway so pete best still lives in liverpool in like the

site of his greatest disappointment as a non non-Beatles fan, Ringo is my favorite. I was like that guy's pretty cool. He just hangs around with like Gloria Estefan and like just puts together super bands. That wasn't in it. What? That wasn't in that? That's what he does now. He does like the Ringo Starr all-star band

with like 20 fallen stars and Ringo and they just do stuff. Mark Sparner. I'm like, I like what that guy does. That John Lennon guy, whatever. Peace, whatever. They talked about in the early part of their career, they hooked up with this guy who was like an impresario,

a guy who promoted shows, and he put bands together and stuff. And he reminded me so much of the Backstreet Boys guy. Oh, Perlman. Perlman, yeah. And it was this guy named Larry Parnes. I think that was his name. And his thing was that he would rename,

like once you became one of his acts, he would rename you and give you a stage name. And you became one of his acts, he would rename you and give you a stage name. And I looked him up and here are some of the stage names he gave people. Billy Fury. Oh, hey, that's not bad. Marty Wild.

Lance Fortune. Nice. Lance Fortune's great. I want to change my name right now to Lance Fortune. Vince Eager. Georgie Fame. Dickie Pride, and Duffy Power. Duffy Power? Yeah. That's going to be my nickname from now on. So what are we – no, no.

We should come up with our own like cool name. Oh, there was that episode. There was an episode of Saved by the Bell on this morning with Johnny Dakota. Yeah, yeah. And there's a scene where the – are you a convert of Saved by the Bell on this morning with Johnny Dakota. Yeah, yeah. And there's a scene where the – are you a convert of Saved by the Bell? I'm too old. Fair enough. I'm too old as well.

Too young to be old for Saved by the Bell. Oh, my God. I don't really remember. I've seen Screech in comedy clubs and I'm like, who's this guy? That would have been double awful if you didn't know who he was. He's Screech from Saved by the Bell. I'm like, okay, that's great. I've never seen this show. I've never seen this show. I kind of felt like I was too screamed from Saved by the Bell. I'm like, okay, that's great. I've never seen this show.

I've never seen this show. I kind of felt like I was too young for Saved by the Bell at the time, but I still loved it, and now I realize I might have been too old. Yeah. Well, you may have watched it in a gamut of being too young for it and then being too old for it. Yeah, I was definitely younger than

the stars of it. Yes. Yes, you are. Except Dennis Haskins. But there was Johnny Dakota was the name of the celebrity. And then there were two names of other stars that were at his Hollywood party. And one of them was something Sutherland. It was like starry Sutherland. I just danced with like Snake Sutherland. It's like Starry Sutherland. I just danced with Snake Sutherland. It's like a Sarchie comic.

Anyways, I want my name to be Snake Sutherland. What was it? Duffy Powers? Duffy Powers was good. That's the best one. What was the first one? Duffy Powers was my favorite, but I think I liked the first one. Something Fury. Billy Fury.

That wasn't the one I was thinking of, though. Vince Eager? Marty Wilde. Marty Wilde's pretty good. Georgie Fame. Oh, the ones... Georgie Fame is good. Duffy Powers and Georgie Fame present. The Quarrymen live.

Oh, you know what... The Quarrymen! Do you know what they changed George Harrison's to? Carl Harrison. That's very funny. Wow. I remember the other thing about that Beatles anthology. When it came out, it was also the brief season that the Dana Carvey show was on the air.

I loved that show, by the way. It was an amazing show. And his thing that he did about the... It was always interviews with Paul McCartney, excerpts from the anthology. And there was this thing where he had written a song called Squiddy, and it was all about a squid. And he was like, squiddy, squiddy, squiddy,

I love my little squiddy. And then they told him, you know, we don't really do songs about mollusks. And then a week later, Octopus octopus's garden i couldn't believe it that show's not out on dvd steven colbert was on that show yes steve carell was on that show yeah and it was written by louis ck yeah oh wow and uh robert smigel maybe yeah probably there was like yeah like maybe one of like oddenkirk maybe was writing on it. But it was like this like power show on the wrong network in the wrong time slot.

And it got canceled. And it was weird that now you think of Dana Carvey as the hokeyest, cheesiest comedian there is. But it was super. That show was super cutting edge. It was the most cutting edge thing. As like a young guy that liked comedy, I was just like, this is it. This is the rest of my life. And then it got

canceled because he pissed off Taco Bell and Mountain Dew. Yeah, that's right. He had a mountain, like a woman dressed as a taco and you see these legs coming out of a taco and just dancing around. Beautiful Vegas legs and a taco and just dancing around.

There's beautiful Vegas legs and a taco. And it's a woman. Of course. There's some sort of connotation going on. I didn't see it. I was a kid. I just thought it was hilarious. That's right.

Yeah. It was just great. And he pissed off Mountain Dew. Yeah. And he got in trouble for doing a sketch, I guess, where he was Bill Clinton. Right. With eight breasts. With eight nipples guess where he was bill clinton right with with eight breasts with eight nipples and he was baby he was feeding babies was that it well the thing that was the opening sketch from the whole series i think yeah yeah it was a presidential address and then yeah

all right it was bill clinton his dana carvey's bill clinton and then he did this thing and then it was feeding puppies that's what it was it wasn't babies he was feeding puppies and then um but i heard an interview with louis ck years ago where he said he thought like they had heard home improvement was like this frat boy type of show like they're like ah it's about a guy and tools so they thought it was like a friend like their lead-in was this kind of raucous Animal House-type show. And none of them had ever seen it. And then years later, they caught a rerun of it on TV and were like, oh, we were way off the mark. It wasn't even close to the show we thought was the lead-in.

Anyways, we were talking about the Beatles anthology, and then I want to do the Dana Carvey anthology. Sorry. By the way, I'd say Finnegan Proper. Finnegan Proper. Finnegan Proper. That's your name? That would be my Beatles name. Finnegan Proper. That's so good.

Mine, Vance DeGeneres. There you go. So we got Vance DeGeneres, Finnegan Proper, and Snake Sutherland. Yeah. That's a great band. Let's form a three- Sutherland. Yeah. That's a great band.

Let's form a three-piece. A three-piece. That's great. Yeah. So you watched all of that. And I'm caught up. So then do you listen to Free as a Bird and then put them back in the drawer? We finished it this morning.

And yeah, Free as a Bird is the new song they did. Whatever happened to the love that we once knew? Right, right, right. But it was actually, there's a lot of stuff that they left out. Paul was never dead at any point. They never talked about that bit? Not even, no mention of it. Chris Farley did.

Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. That was the best. That wasn't in the anthology. Not very, but there was like, that's the weird thing is like, they always wanted them to reunite. And then, like, they're not still talking about it.

Because now there's only two of them. But like, that always seems sad when they're like, people are like, yeah, get back together. One of us is dead. They're like, if ABBA's not getting back together, we're not getting back together. ABBA knows it's not a good idea. Why would the Beatles?

Where ABBA goes, so too does the Beatles. Unless Ringo needs money. Have you gotten ABBA Gold? That thing kicks ass. What is that? Is that a documentary? No, no. It's a compilation.

It's way better than anything the Beatles have ever done, man. I'll go on record saying that. You're not far off. I don't mind ABBA. I love ABBA. Yeah. Kicks ass. Although I haven't seen Mamma Mia.

Confession. Actually, I haven't either, but I've seen Bjorn again three times. So they're an ABBA cover band. So I've been there. You just dance. It's awesome. It's awesome. You just dance.

It's great. Yeah. Bring your lady friend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's a good time. Yeah.

Have you ever seen a tribute act? Yeah. I've seen quite a few, actually. We've seen Nearly Neil. I've seen Nearly Neil. Neil Diamond. Not Young. Wow! There is an ABBA cover band that I saw. They're not Bjorn again, but they're called ABBA Cadabra. Yeah, ABBA Cadabra.

And they're a local They're a western wing of the ABBA cover band I'm not city dropping here but I was in I was in Minneapolis, Minnesota and there was a big article

about this band called Metallica which was a Metallica cover band with a Gallagher impersonator. So it would be a guy singing Metallica songs and taking out a watermelon and then smashing it all over everybody. And nobody was as excited as me. I was so excited.

I'm like, we got to go do this. We got to go see this. Everyone's like, no, come on, Mike. And the rest of the band wears like carrot top wigs and they play covers. And then I've seen a video clip of it because he comes out with a water gun and sprays everybody. And everything's covered in plastic. This sounds like the coolest thing. Mike reacted like he was getting sprayed with a water gun.

Oh my god, that's so great. And then yeah, he comes out And every bit of the stage is covered in plastic Because he's gonna smash a lot of water Wow It's pretty fantastic I once saw a band do They weren't like

They didn't dress up in costumes But they did like a complete recreation Of Metallica's Dark Side of the Moon And I Pink Floyds, yeah costumes yeah uh but they did like a complete recreation of metallica's dark side of the moon and i oh no sorry floyds yeah that would be crazy if it was metallica's yeah so they're gonna be like you pink floyd the dark side of the moon and uh really boring very boring it's for people who are high yeah that's what somebody i remember like we went and saw and i like even the original like i know we went on like a laser light show of paying floyd's the wall and i was like i was probably like 13 or something and i remember sitting there and being like i don't understand

why everybody loves this thing so much like it doesn't it just goes on and doesn't make any sense like there's like huge chunks of it that doesn't it's the same thing with uh with tommy right like the musical when you watch it you're like there's all this stuff that doesn't make sense in here and then you know like but like people like no you're supposed to get high yeah and then you watch it and then you go whoa yeah that's so crazy the like gaps in storyline don't matter to you anymore because there's like a you know there will be a scene with walking hammers. And you'll just be thinking about that for the next whole day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But as it is, it's just, yeah. That's what they do, right? They make stuff that's good for being high with. Yeah. And social commentary about the whole Cold War thing. But yeah, when you're a 13-year-old kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he didn't live through Reagan who saved everybody from the Cold War.

Yeah, that's true. So we're living in this post-Reagan society where we don't have a Cold War so we don't need bands like Pink Floyd anymore. That's true. Who do we need? Green Day. Yeah, they have Laser Green Day now.

Do they? I bet. I'd go see that. Would you? I don't know. I haven't gone to see Laser or anything. I've only ever seen Laser. It was like...

Laser eye surgery. See, I'm from... You never get that. I'm from Montreal. I don't think you'd ever get Laser or something. That sounds like a very BC... We get it in Alberta. You get Lasers.

Laser. Yeah, Laser. They had... It was Laser Modern Rock. and it was like 1999. What? It was just like a mix tape. It's a laser show? Yeah.

It's a mix tape with a laser show. Yeah, like you go to the planetarium, I guess, it would be at. They did? You know what? They might have this, but I just don't see it because it's probably in French. So it'd be like laser... Rock was it? Laser Mitsu. Laser Mitsu.

Laser Mitsu. Bye-bye, my cowboy. I'd see Laser Mitsu. Mitsu's the Quebec Madonna. Yeah. Really? In case for the people that don't know. Yeah, I guess that's right. Although she's washed up now

Or does she stop No, she hosts a radio show She hosts a radio show In Quebec Wow We host a radio show on the internet Yeah We're like

BC's Mitsu So don't you talk about Mitsu being washed up here Yeah, yeah, yeah No, we're on the way up You leave Mitsu alone She's hot I don't know Still

Maybe, I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. And so. Al Graham, what's going on with you? I'm moving. What did I tell you about moving? It's the worst.

I told you don't. Right? It's the worst thing that a human can do to themselves. Like, you know, other bad things will happen. Like when you try to put things in perspective, you're like, other horrible things will happen. But very few of those things will you inflict directly upon yourself. Mostly it will be an outside force acting upon you, whereas moving is

100% your own bad judgments. Just every bit of it, you're like, this was so badly planned. My boxes are all soggy. I thought I had good boxes, but I don't. And it's just such a nightmare. I've never had that.

But everything's piecemeal. I'm doing everything bit by bit. You want to prolong this experience. That's the thing. I thought I didn't have a whole weekend where I'd be able to just do it. So I was like, I'll do a bit this weekend. I'll do a bit next weekend. I'll do a bit next weekend. I'll get this thing. I'll get that

thing. I'll slow, and it's just been a night. It is. It's like moving that two days and stretching it out over a whole month. It's been absolutely the worst. And I don't have a lot of stuff. That's what I realized. After I got rid of all my junk stuff, all I really have left

is one decent van load and that's it but that's a good thing for your life why do I have this? what do I need this ghost costume for? Patrick Swayze's ghost why do I have a Patrick Swayze's ghost costume?

I had this giant bumblebee costume it was all made out of hula hoops so I could look like a bumblebee I wore it like twice. You know what I mean? I'm surprised you wore it twice. Or we just lend it to people. We'd have a sketch where everybody would get mad and we'd have a fight. And then somebody would come in in the bumblebee costume.

And then just be like, hey, break it up. And we're like, what are you wearing the bumblebee costume for? We're not doing that sketch, you idiot. And then we'd all laugh at him. But I had to throw it out because it's just like you don't really need that. You're not going to really cart around a Bumblebee. Well, it's like you look in your closet and you have like clothes that are clothes that you wear. And then you have some weird thing that's like a holdover from Halloween.

And you never wear that. Have you seen the sleeping bag bag that uh is like a tauntaun yeah from the empire strikes back whoa i know but i i can picture it and it's amazing and it's got guts yeah yeah because the empire strikes back luke sleeps inside a dead tauntaun it's a beast of burden right planet ice planet hoth hoth yeah and um but i just imagine that uh now that they've made that the next thing they're're going to make is a Patrick Swayze from Ghost thing to wrap around you while you do pottery. Oh, yeah, yeah. To keep your hands in pottery hands warm.

Yeah. That makes sense. But that's the type of thing that you would find when you're moving is you'd be like, why do I have this fucking tauntaun sleeping? Because you're not going to go camping with that. No. And you're not a you'd be like why do i have this fucking tauntaun sleeping because you're not gonna go camping with that no and you're not a kid you don't rarely have sleepovers and when it's actually for adults is it really they have a kid one and an adult one but then what do you do with it by the kids like do you you don't sleep in it like when do you ever sleep in a sleeping bag uh when you during an earthquake yeah powers sleepovers. When you're backpacking. He's completely straight-faced.

They all paused and looked at me like, who's this guest? I'd love to still have sleepovers. Yeah, it seems like a thing that you're like, it was fun, it was fun, it was fun, and then somehow everybody just agreed not to do it anymore. Yeah. You don't want to sleep in somebody's house on their floor.

Yeah, I guess it does kind of wake up. You're like, where's my toothbrush? You want to sleep in someone's mom's house? Yes. Because they keep it clean. Oh, yeah. They have a big TV room. I did that like maybe like five or six years ago.

Myself and a bunch of comics went up to Nelson, B.C. Nice. And we stayed at one of the – Cliff Nesteroff passed guests. We stayed at his parents' house. So it was very much like had the ambiance of a sleepover except that I kept waking up in the middle of the night because I always had the spins because I was drunk. So that was what was yeah that's another thing when you do it when you're you're a kid you're just it's exciting to stay up late yeah well yeah because like when you're a kid you have no uh you have no capacity

to understand what's on tv after nine o'clock or whatever it is you know like 10 o'clock are the upper reaches of time and then it's so exciting until midnight. And then 1 o'clock, it's all infomercials. And then you're like, it's still kind of fascinating. And then you're fighting sleep. Like you hated sleep so much when you were a kid. You just always wanted to be awake. I love sleep now.

Yeah, that's all I want to do all the time. Is that a medical problem if all I want to do is sleep all the time? Yeah. But yeah, so I'm moving and that's going uh you know not it's not great it's not the worst move i've ever had worst move i ever had was on halloween night during a thunderstorm a spooky move it was the spookiest move i've ever wow yeah um and there was yeah there was like a dog in the upstairs part was freaked out by the It was the spookiest move I've ever made. Wow. Yeah. And there was, yeah, there was like a dog in the upstairs part was freaked out by the fireworks. So he kept like, it was like a dog screaming.

You know how you said grandpa screamed that one time? Yeah. Yeah, it was like that the whole time. It was just like, but not, I can't do a dog scream. Okay. Can I bring up a point of interest about about quebec um there's um there's something called uh july 1st in canada right what day is that canada day right do you know what that day is in quebec moving day you know about this it's move everybody moves everybody just goes we're

gonna get ready for the time we actually do it and it's just like a little practice and everybody's moves and everybody leaves their house and everybody's and you just like your lease is up you gotta go oh so everybody signs a year lease on july 1st on july 1st so then you end up like people are like trolling around like it's hard to get a truck like i remember uh like one year my uh my roommate really had to go back because somebody else was moving in so we just dumped all my stuff on like in front of my new apartment. He was going to his new apartment. And just everybody's looking at my stuff going like, oh, can I take this? I'm like, no, no, no.

They're coming back. They're coming back. So if I want to move to Quebec in August, I have to be homeless for 11 months? Well, it's going to be hard, hard, hard for you to find a place. Wow. That's crazy. Well, it's going to be hard, hard, hard for you to find a place. Wow.

That's crazy. Like why don't people ever just stay at the place and go, I enjoyed my year here. You can do that. Sign up at the lease. You can do that too. But I think after a certain amount of times, they're allowed to make changes to your lease or something like that. Wow. So everybody just goes and that's just like an understood – like unless you own a place, you just keep moving around. Exactly.

It would always be so stressful getting around July because it's like July is coming. We got to find a place. I got to find a place to live. Now I have a place to live, which is great. But that practice seems to me – You were homeless for a while. Yeah. Sometimes you'd be like – I remember once actually thinking I was i remember once actually you went down to town fighting crime yeah now i was gonna move in

with a girlfriend but then we realized that was a really bad idea so i had to go back to my roommate and cry and beg him to re-sign the lease and like we were just like i'm like i can't do it he's just like it's okay let's still live together and i was And I was like, thank God. Oh my God. Because I was really worried I'd have to be homeless. I mean, you gotta go live with your parents, which sucks. Which would be like a sleepover. Like a daily sleepover. Every day is a sleepover.

I'm staying up all night. I'm not tired yet. I have headphones on, but is there wrestling going on above us? Have you been hearing? No. Just in that last second, I heard some sort of crack. Is there wrestling upstairs?

There's two kids who live up there, and they are very exuberant. That's fine. I live on the second floor of my place, and man, I feel sorry for my downstairs neighbors. I have literally had preparations for wrestling matches in my apartment. And then people are like, what are you doing? I'm like, je fais la lutte samedi soir. I'm wrestling Saturday night. Yeah.

Thanks for the idea. Either that or he's renting something. Yeah. That's loué. Oh, sorry. So, yeah, it's very terrible. That's really funny. So you, and see, that's what people would not know about

you. You're a big wrestling fan. Yeah, which is great. Yeah, it is great. I still am involved marginally in the Quebec independent wrestling scene. So I get to go out there and I just hit a 22-man battle royal. Really? Yeah, I'm dead serious.

What do they call a battle royale in Paris? In France. They call it a quarter pounder. Oh, okay. Reservoir Dogs 2. Or the other one, Pulp Fiction 2. Whoops. All right.

Anyway. Yeah, I was in a 22-man battle royal. I had my brother, my little brother became the president of the company, but the figurehead president. All of a sudden, he snatched power. And my little brother made a power grab. He had his head shaved by Donald Trump. Not yet, not yet. No, this is like Quebec indie wrestling.

And then I was the host of the show, but I showed up ready to wrestle. I had tights on, blah, blah, blah. I had a little tiger bandana on. I was like, I the show, but I showed up ready to wrestle. I had tights on, blah, blah, blah. I had a little tiger bandana on. I was like, I'm ready to go. Because I had it direct from my brother that I'm going to win. And I don't know a lot of moves. I know clothesline, inverted DDT. And if I do body slam you, please jump.

Please jump as high as you can because I don't think I can pick you all up. Sure. And I got to introduce 22 guys who all just basically looked at me and then they just pounded the crap out of me and threw me out first. It was very fun because I thought it was fake. And it turns out it was real. It was realer than I thought because I was sure that I was going to win. I was assured through the fakeness of wrestling that I was going to win. But all those guys had a different idea.

And then they just threw you out of the ring. Yeah. I lost. You know what I was thinking of? You know how the new thing you're supposed to do with the swine flu is you're supposed to cough into the crook of your elbow? It's called an elbow pit. Sure. Sure. Yeah, sure. How does that affect wrestlers

with clotheslining and... Yeah, headlocks. Yeah, absolutely. You're right in the germ zone there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think things have been circulated. I've been pretty much saying this across the country.

It's like, we're in a big group of people. Make sure you cough into your elbow pit. You have to, because that's what you do other countries get uh masks everybody else has masks every like canada we have like socialized health care so like uh you know what you can do you can just cough into your elbow pit and everyone's got these like like snotty elbow pits there's phlegm all over everybody's pit you go to shake somebody's hand, he's like, ugh. They should come out with, like, revert... You know how, like, if you've got a tweed jacket and you've got the suede patch, you should have, like,

a cotton removable patch on the inside. Except it's made out of Kleenex. Yeah, and then you just tear it off. I've literally been doing this. I literally go, you know the tweed jacket! I don't do it like that, but I've literally been. It's yours.

Work on it. Yeah. Man, Cornwall stinks. I'm just realizing that there's probably like six other comedians that are going to have that Tweed Jacket on the inside. You throw them over the top rope. Yeah, you get all that. Comedy Battle Royale. Comedy.

Oh, I'd love to do that. So do we want to move on to Overheard? Why not? All right. Overheard. Overheard. Overheards. Overheards. Things overheard in general life.

Maybe at the supermarket. Maybe at a DQ. Maybe at a Depaneur. A Depaneur. Or on a Just for Laughs comedy tour. Yeah, absolutely. Do you want to start? We always start with the guest. I don't know this this is actually pretty fun this is a really fun because like

you get like really road tired after a while yeah there's people from like chicago new york uh scotland and uh now right now we got a guy from la right but you just end up talking you don't know these things and uh the new y York guy at one point was talking to the Scottish guy and I'm just like listening. We're all in a little van getting driven somewhere. And then New York guy goes,

Hey, you're from Scotland, right? You're from Scotland? Yes, yes, I'm from Scotland. You ever been to Loch Ness? Yes, yes, many times. It's quite nice. There's no monster in there, right? I was just like,

I was just screaming. I just started screaming. I'm so happy. Because that's what I wanted to do. And then the guy was like, obviously, no. He said, well, it's inconclusive. We're not quite sure, but we're just laughing. I like that that was the guy's like, he's like, I'm going to try and this is going to be my opening gambit conversationally. This is how I get friendly with this guy.

There's no monsters in there. You're from Transylvania, right? The vampire thing is bullshit. You can watch so many different Loch Ness monsters. Real Loch Ness monsters. Not real. But no, he's got to go back

to New York and go like, yeah, talk to this guy. He said it's not true. He said inconclusive. He said, I wouldn't swim there. Not like I would go in there, but... Dave, do you have one? The other day, we have a friend who doesn't have cable,

and sometimes she comes over and she watches all she can. I have friends like that. And Abby, as it happens, records Tyra Banks every day. Oh, yes. You know, just to fast forward through it or watch the whole thing. And so this friend comes over. And I'm not watching Tyra with them. I'm in the other room.

And there's a woman on Tyra who has two vaginas. Oh, wow. Like in the same or like one there and then one on the shoulder. Or back. One on the back of her neck. I believe there were... Both in the same zone. Yeah, they were, what would you call that? Concurrent? Sure. Simultaneous. Yeah, her vaginas were simulcast. And our friend was quite impressed with this woman.

And she said, wow, she could be the spokeswoman for two vaginas. Because she's so poised. Oh, yeah, that's why. Because of her poise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you look for in a two vaginaled. Yeah. Spokesperson.

Yeah. Two vaginal. Bi-vaginal? No, that makes it sound like you're curious. Yeah, tetra vaginal. I just love that the cause of two vaginas would need a spokeswoman. Yeah, or, oh, I thought she meant it as

like a brand, like double mint. Like two vaginas. When I was in Costa Rica when I was like 13, there was a brand of juice and milk that was called, it meant two pine trees and it was Dos Pinos. Yay! Pretty good. Yeah, I think that's what goes into vaginas.

Yeah, Dos Pinos. It's one guy. That's his name. Somebody called Dos Pinos., Dos Pinos. It's one guy. That's his name. Somebody called Dos Pinos. Pedro Dos Pinos. Vote for him. Graham, do you have an overheard? I have a kind of, it was like, it was

a whole scene that I saw last night. I was in London Drugs. The drugstore. Big drugstore chain out here. And sells computers. Computers and drugs. And here. And sells computers. Computers and drugs. And televisions.

And televisions and umbrellas and film. You know, cameras. We got our vacuum there. Yeah, you could get a vacuum. Wow. You've been to a lot of drugstores. I've been there, yeah. Yeah, it's fantastic.

It's everything you want in a drugstore. But there was this lady. She was packing all of her purchases in her backpack and then she put on the bag the bag was sitting on the counter and she kind of like used that and like put the straps over her arms and then she stepped forward and i don't you like she starts like windmilling her arms to stand up because she way over guessed her strength versus how much this bag was. So she starts windmilling her arms to keep standing up and somebody outside

you can hear the guy outside going whoa and then she just went flying backwards on her ass. Oh it was so funny. But just that like everybody in the media vicinity is like, comedy, comedy coming up. And nobody helped her.

Everyone just went, watch this. Where's my camera phone? Oh, man. But it was the guy who picked up on, this is going to be. Oh, man. It was like, have you seen, you remember that Mr. Show sketch

Where the guy climbs Everest And just keeps falling That's exactly how it looked Like the lady just gave out And the bag just sucked her To the earth And like her limbs Just went like

So And you're right So when you were helping her up What did she say? She got up on her own Because everybody Made a move to help her And she was so mortified

That she was like I like, I got it. I got it. There was nobody helping her on the way down, but there was like 10 people to help her on the way up. Dave has a policy of not helping people in those circumstances because they're probably so embarrassed that they would rather just – They're able-bodied people. Yeah. Right. They just wish you hadn't seen it.

Yeah. And, no, you know what? I maybe wouldn't have seen it if the guy outside wasn't going, whoa, whoa, whoa. But don't draw more attention to them by helping them. They're fine. They're fine. That is a good rule, actually. Yeah, fuck them.

I thought of you when she fell over. I was like, I wish Dave was here right now. I was like to get involved in those situations personally. I was like to be like, whoa, that was crazy, dude. You totally fell over. You must be so embarrassed. Did you see your face? Okay, your face was like this. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Then this guy was going, whoa, whoa.

That was crazy. Speaking of this, this is an overheard written in from a listener. This is Nathan D. Oh, he's written in before. Nathan Detroit. Yeah, Nathan Detroit.

That's right. I heard a mother say to her daughter, stop crying. The daughter responded with, I can't. And the mother says, well, you shouldn't have fell down. Next time, maybe you'll think about it. Wow. Which, just as soon as we were talking about this lady falling over brought it to mind see that's what you call a segue and nathan detroit is actually a pretty

good fourth for our beatles band yeah with finnegan proper advanced generous and snake sutherland um okay let's see uh okay uh this is uh i don't remember i don't know who this is from sorry um detroit he's gotta play guy son uh is almost three years old and loves doing jigsaw puzzles one of his favorites is a foam alphabet puzzle which has not only made uh not only the standard interlocking puzzle pieces but also foam letters that fit into matching holes on those pieces as is common with many toddlers, toys sometimes get mixed placed. So here's the Out of the Blue Suburban Time conversation not that long ago. Boy, dada, where's my a-hole? Me, almost spitting out chicken.

That's good. Good setting the scene here. We're eating a chicken dinner. What? Boy, where's my a-hole? Me, what do you mean, buddy? Which is a good way. Broach it. Don't freak the kid out.

Boy, I can't find my a-hole me finally getting the puzzle reference uh where did you see it last boy it was over there next to my s-hole cut to mama and dada now laughing like a-holes followed shortly by the boy also laughing with us repeating a-hole-hole, silly data. Pretty good. Pretty cute. That's a very nice story. Wait, he has an A-hole and an S-hole?

He should meet Dos Pinos. This is... Mike enjoyed that a lot. I really enjoyed that story. This is from David S. in Palm Springs, California. Wait, I'm not from Palm Springs, California. And there it is. It says, I was having lunch at a Del Taco today. As soon as I walked in, I noticed a man about 40 ordering, most likely homeless, judging by his clothes and appearance.

After he ordered, he started having a loud and incoherent conversation with who at the time I thought was himself because nobody else seemed to be listening. He carried on talking until his food was ready. And as I was filling my drink, he sat at a table with an older, frizzy, big-haired woman who is also homeless. Well, maybe. Possibly. We don't – there's no conclusion on this. And he all of a sudden stopped rambling, looked at her, and just said, God, your hair looks terrible today. And then proceeded to eat his meal.

Pretty good. Wow. If you were homeless, would you move to Palm Springs? What's the ideal place for a homeless? I know it's not Quebec because all the Quebec homeless seem to move here. We kicked them out. We said, like, get out. And they just kept going across Canada.

On July 1st, they're like, beat it. They're like, get out of here. And now across on july 1st they're like beat it they're like get out of here and now you have all the french homeless guys i speak to them in french and they get scared whenever i'm in vancouver like you haven't come back to come back they're like why does he talk to me i'm on someone who's drunk um uh this is uh this one's very sweet. This one is more falls in the category of sweet. This is, I was staying in a hotel with my dad in Towson, Maryland. And during breakfast, I spotted a middle-aged father with his very young, maybe five-year-old daughter. Daughter holding up bagel and pointing at the hole.

Look, this looks like a heart. Father with a Western accent, which I think's add to it. So think maybe, what's his name there that always plays the western guy, big gray mustache? Sam Elliott. Sam Elliott. Picture a Sam Elliott with his daughter. You see a heart in everything. And that's awesome.

Aww. That was overheard heartwarming styles. This one, not as heartwarming, is from Duncan. You have to sandwich the heartwarming in. This one, not as heartwarming, is from Duncan. You have to sandwich the heartwarming in between the embarrassing and violent. I was standing in the men's room at the Dover Arms Hotel

down on Denman Street a few weeks ago. I'm standing there doing my thing. Dover Arms, is it a hotel or a pub? I guess it's a pub. I don't know. I don't drink or stay at hotels. When a couple of old drunk guys come in behind me, after four seconds, one of them turns to the other and says, in his old drunken sort of way, it's a good thing there aren't any Egyptians in here,

because you know how I feel about Egyptians. Wow! How would he know? Huh? How would you know if there are no Egyptians there? Nobody's building pyramids. One, nobody's walking like them. Two.

And this is the final overheard. My friend Sarah and I work with money. This is from Patty D. in Detroit, Michigan. And occasionally we find bills with things written on them. She found this one today and made us giggle. There's a photo of it she has accomplished. But it said, just in case the pic doesn't come in clear, it's a $10 bill with, quote, negative. Those aren't my children to begin with.

So good luck written on the back. Which I guess is not a child support payment. Wow. Maybe it was 50 and he did it on five $10 bills just to hit on the message. It's not my kid. Good luck. So thank you very much to everybody who wrote in over herds. If you want to write in to the podcast, it's stoppodcastingyourselfatgmail.com and hopefully

we'll have a photo of that awesome ten dollar bill because it does say it in very clear writing uh and yeah those are very funny and we have some called in overheard we sure do hey dave graham and guests this is william from chicago i had an overheard today and i wanted to send it along it was one of those uh one end of the conversation on a cell phone and uh this guy is mid 30s middle-late 30s on his phone, really well-dressed, he was at a conference at the place where I work. And he was getting really frustrated with the person on the other end. And eventually he starts grabbing his head and goes,

no, no, that was the time I hit my head on the concrete. And then I had to keep walking. So I just thought I wanted to share that with you. On the concrete. Because normally I just hit my head on the foam or the pillow. Or I hit it on the concourse. That was a different time. That was when I hit my head on the wood.

On the wood slat. No, no. That was the time I hit my head on the metal beam this guy's a wood slat can we call our band the wood slat sure sure i'm still vance degenerate okay all right hey so um i'm standing on commercial drive and this um cute blonde girl and her attractive boyfriend are walking off to get on their motorcycle because they're just one of those super sexy couples like that and um a two a couple skitty looking boys walk by she pokes one of them on the shoulder because i think she recognized

them and um she's like hey it was a quick little hey but as the guys got closer to me, I heard the one little skinny boy say to the other little skinny boy, oh, man, I've been trying to bang that chick for so long. I thought it was pretty classy. And that's it. Thanks. Bye. Keep trying, I guess. Get a motorbike.

Find her when she's not on that motorbike because it'll be easier to bang her. Get your bang strategy. That was literally him trying to bang her. You can't bang somebody on a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your bang strategy down. That was literally him trying to bang her while she was on the motorbike. He's like, is that how you do it? Is she banging the motorbike? I've been trying to bang you for a while. What are you going to be done with that guy?

How many vaginas you got down there? Hi, Jim and Dave. This is Alex from California. I heard you guys talking about the Twilight Boys. Now, I personally do not like Twilight. I think it is a waste of time. And I just wanted to share a little allegory with you. I went to school with Jacob Black.

His name is actually Taylor Lautner. I was in high school with Jacob Black. His name is actually Taylor Lautner. I was in high school with him. And freshman year, he was still Sharkboy from Sharkboy and Lava Girl. And I was walking behind him and he dropped his pencil. So I bent down, I picked it up, and then I

tapped him on the shoulder. And then he turns around and he looks at me and he goes, I don't do autographs. And then I just kind of look at him and go um you dropped this and uh he hasn't spoken to me since so uh that's huge you guys would enjoy that i mean oh that was great yeah he hasn't spoken to me since either you know what uh uh we're no longer the wooden slats we're now called the twilight boys that's a great that is a good band name we're the twilight boys and we're here to autograph your pencils or whatever that's great that's like something out of a movie

oh yeah or like you know can we can we get a picture and then they hand the celebrity the camera to take a picture of them in front of the Leaning Tower of Jesus. My favorite thing to do is to tell people, tell women that I have a girlfriend and I'm very flattered. It's something I love to do a lot. I'm like, hey, I see what's going on here, but I have a girlfriend. I think it's so

mad and confused. The concierge at the hotel. I told a waitress this the other day and she was so angry. I can see what's happening here. Yeah, yeah. I can see what's

happening. I'm very flattered. And she's like, no! No! No! Nothing! Oh, my God.

No. Oh, that's very funny. But that's just so great that she's like, ah, you forgot your pencil, asshole. I do. Ah, autographs.

Last week, we were talking about Mr. Fuji. Yes. Ooh. Yeah, we were. I know this guy. Fuji Takiido. Is that?

Hakamacho. Is it Hakamacho? I don't know. El Takiido. Fuji. Who's doing a Charlie Chan impression. We're talking about the wrestler. Yeah, the wrestling manager.

That's right. He was doing Charlie Chan. We may have talked about whether or not he's dead today, but someone has called in. This isn't really an overheard. They just know... Somebody wanted to clarify something. Okay. Hey, guys. This is Adam from Knoxville, Tennessee. I was just listening to your Halloween podcast, and I had some Mr. Fuji news that I wanted to pass along to you. Mr. Fuji is not dead. He works at a mall in Knoxville in the movie theater,

and he takes up tickets as you go back to the movie you're going to go see. So every time you go to a movie at the Knoxville Center Mall, there's Mr. Fuji taking your ticket, telling you where to go to see your movie. So I thought you might like to know that. Fuji's alive and well. And love the podcast. Take it easy. See you.

So you're telling me he's not even the manager of the theater? I'm calling shenanigans on this guy. I don't know about that. I know he's not dead, but I don't know. How do we know? I imagine. This guy's got to send in a photo. He's got to go back.

He's got to go see a movie, go see 2012. It looks like the world's going to explode. And then take a picture of himself and Mr. Fuji. With today's newspaper. Exactly. Because I don't believe that. I don't believe that, brother. I'm hulking out here, brother.

I don't believe that Fuji's doing that, brother. If he was alive and well, I'm sure he could go and sign a lot of things. He doesn't have to take any tickets from nobody, brother. If he was alive and well, sure he could go and sign a lot of things. He doesn't have to take any tickets from nobody, brother. If you call in with a southern accent and talk about someone who's of a different race, we're just going to assume you're racist. We're just going to assume you know a Japanese guy and you assume

he's Mr. Fuji. But then, on the other hand, when you hear... Eddie Murphy just put my gas in. It's Eddie Murphy. Well, technically it was Norbit. But you know, when you think about wrestling, there are a lot of wrestlers that once their peak has come...

Horrible. Like they're doing... Horrible stories. I could see... I heard a story about this one wrestler who was working at a deli counter. He was kind of like a one-legged dog. Yeah, yeah. He punched a meat thing.

Yeah, and then he yelled at Todd Berry. That median Todd Berry. That pretty much happens to a lot of wrestlers, but they can also go and do some indie wrestling, and you've got to pay them like $5,000 at least. Really? They make some money just to lie on the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're washed up and on drugs.

And indie wrestling is really cool. They all wear stance masks. They call it emo wrestling. Is it emo wrestling? I would hate to see emo wrestling. That would be so terrible. So thank you very much for everybody who called. I want to see a picture on this

podcast. Sure. I agree. I would very much like to see a picture of our gentlemen. Or I would just I would very much like to see a picture of our gentleman. Or I would just like to hear you guys looking at a picture and going, okay. Confirmed. Are we confirmed? Like you two confirming that there's no shenanigans going on with this. So if you, what was the gentleman's name from Knoxville?

Knoxville. Johnny Knoxville. If you can, if it is possible for you to get a photo of you with that day's newspaper. Or even whatever, like the little tribute magazine you get. Is tribute magazine just a Canadian thing? I think it's an alliance thing. You, Fuji, and a box of Goobers. Or, you know, whatever candy of your choice.

But clearly a movie theater size candy. Yeah, and an updated, like, to-date candy. I have a friend who's a guitarist, and he told me this story when he was, like, in a band. Like, he was a young kid in a band, and he used to always go, Duffy Power. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we're all like, oh, no, how are we going to get our laundry clean? Fuji!

And then everybody would go, Fuji! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it was like their kids having this whatever, and then this Asian dude came over and said, excuse me, that's a really racist conversation. And then he's always felt really bad about that, so whenever you bring up Mr. Fuji, he just feels so

much guilt. Would Mr. Fuji do people's laundry? No, it's like there was that ancient Chinese secret commercial, but Fuji was Japanese. Right. So he was just being racist. But he was just talking about the time that he was being racist with a bunch of friends.

Have you guys had vegetarian sushi? Yeah. Dude. It reminds me of laundry. Reminds me of a one-legged dog. If you want to call our podcast, it's 206-339-8328. 206-339-TEET. Now, last week on the podcast, we kind of continued on a theme about childhood injuries.

And it's turned into a landslide of people sending in things. Childhood traumas that ended up not terrible. Yeah, we don't want anything about missing parts or deaths or anything like that. But we've gotten quite a bit. Yeah, a real inundation.

Yeah. And we tried to come up with a theme for it. And we had nothing but trouble. And then what we ended up using was what you're about to hear right now. And that is last week's guest, Paul Anthony, and the lead singer of Hot Hot Heat got together and made Steve Baze. Wrote that little theme song.

It's the only theme song we have that wasn't done in here. Yeah. It's really, really catchy. So thank you very much for that. And we do have some ones that are written in. But you said you used to work at a bowling alley. I used to work at a bowling alley so i have like tons of injury stories tell us your favorite injuries okay my favorite injury it's okay

set the stage so crazy it is it's so long okay we had this uh i like we're all a bunch of like metalhead like 16 year olds that were like like like working in the back of a bowling alley yeah where all the pins go and you just kind of sit there and read comic books. Wait, wait. The back past the... Do you hand set the pins? No, no. There's machines.

Then what are you doing back there? Well, in case one of them gets... Like a couple pins get jammed up, they go I don't know, 45. And then you gotta go over and go, oh crap, I gotta put this Fantastic Four comic book down. Walk over. How big of a bowling alley that had more than

one guy doing it no sometimes we had three guys sometimes we had three guys wow it was insanity can I are they hiring

it was the best job a comedian could ever have because you just get to sit there and just laugh and just write jokes and like I wrote like a

like a zombie novel on like like on freehand. I did nothing. Free shoes. Free shoes. All the shoes you could walk on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

I have one pair of shoes. I used to always break my thumb all the time on this little – you'd pull this pulley and sometimes a belt would fly off a pulley and you're supposed to um properly um put put it back on yeah um when the machine's not operating operating or no you while it's operating you put it back on and it goes you can turn it off and not do it right or you can just do it while it's on and it's done a lot faster um i remember my boss i like i did that like three times to be like oh crap i just broke three times I used to always break my thumb it just sucks

and you're like just your thumbnail and then all of a sudden you have to go on workman's comp for three weeks and you sit at home and come back to make 90% of what you would have made anyway I remember my stupid boss he was telling us how he's a ninja

and we didn't believe him And he had broken his whole hand I killed the locked ass monster He had broken his whole hand He ripped off his whole hand on the pulleys And was gone When he comes back we're going to get him to break a board Because he says he's a ninja

He's just some dude He's a French dude The neck Yeah he's a neck dude. Right. Manny. The neck. Yeah, he's a neck. But we're like, if you're a ninja, why don't you break this board?

So then he got really like, punched the board, broke his hand, went back on workman's comp, then he's gone, and he'd already been gone for weeks, and then he comes back, breaks his hand,

immediately back on workman's call. How'd you break your hand? Did you say that he hurt himself in a machine? Then he comes back after another three weeks, like, after really hurting his hand with a whole duffel bag full of stuff. And I'm not making this up. He had, like, ninja assassin books, Israeli fighting techniques of the Israeli army,

a ninja star, and a grappling hook. And I'm not joking. And he took the ninja star, and there was woods behind the bowling alley, and we had this huge plywood up. And he threw it, went straight into a bunch of leaves. It was autumn time. And then we spent, like, the next 30 minutes looking for his star. And he totally lost his star. And we're just all, like, freaking out because this guy really wanted to prove

that he was a ninja so he starts yeah we're like what the hell what the heck is he doing so then he takes out the grappling hook and he starts

and like bowling alley was high it was like three like maybe two and a half stories up like but there's a big parking lot so he just

throwing this it's a beautiful grappling hook that you could probably like it's like a beautiful an antique grappling hook no no no it was grappling hook that you could probably like. Right, yeah. It's like a beautiful. An antique grappling hook. No, no, no.

It was brand new. This guy is using all of his bowling mechanic boss money to buy crap. And he's got all this time off to practice it. I know. No, but he threw it and he made like a huge hole in the wall of the outside of the building. We're like, oh, what are you doing? What are you doing? And he's like, no, I can do this.

And he does it again. Puts another huge dent in. And we're like, oh, what are you doing? What are you doing? And he's like, no, I can do this. And he does it again, puts another huge dent in. And we're like, hey, buddy, move back, move back, move back. And he does. He gets it up. And then he finally gets it up. And he was too weak to climb it. So he only got about halfway. And then we're like, Manny, just come down.

Just come down. Because we were all worried then. And then he came down and got rope burned. And then he went on work and was complicated. injured his hand it's very it was very down he eventually got fired for um going over the ceiling into the pro shop and stealing bowling balls and stuff over the ceiling but they had him on camera so he was the worst ninja like that's what the worst manager of a bowling alley too if he was breaking into the pro shop well like it was different things he was in charge of the mechanics right the pro

shop guys were just like you um have you ever known anyone who got fired for a really dumb reason uh i know people who well actually it's uh my brother's. It's like his – I want to say that the guy's name – I think it's Detweiler is the guy. But he's got – my brother's got a couple of friends that do. Detweiler! Yeah, he's very much – he's very much that guy. He's very much kind of like Stifler. Sure. But there was – he was working as a security guard and it was – I think it was in a hotel and somebody called.

There was like a rooftop pool and somebody called and said like, I think there's people in there. Like it's past the time that you're supposed to be in there. Go up to the floor and chase the people out. And so the guy went and there was two security guards or three security guards on duty. And he went up and then he was gone for like 10 minutes, half an hour like 40 minutes they were like we should send up another

guy and see what's going on and they went up party is still in full wow! It's still going full tilt he is in the pool in his security guards uniform I guess he walked in and he was like, you guys gotta shut down

this party. And somebody just handed him a beer and he started drinking it. As a reflex. Everybody started chanting, jump in the pool. So he got up

on the diving board and jumped in the pool. I would hope that I would do that in that situation. You always hope that if you're ever doing a security job that if somebody handed you a beer – Like some crapo job and you're just like – I'm not like the other security guys.

I'm a cool security guy. But I'll read just a couple of these because we did get quite a few. So we're going to have to space them out over weeks. I'm sure we'll get more. Oh, and we're going to get more. So this is going to be an ongoing segment. I mean, with a theme song like that, why not? All right, so this is from Julian K. from London, Ontario.

When I was about four or five, I was living on a farm in Quebec. One afternoon, I was sitting with my brother in the yard in our kid-sized Mickey and Minnie Mouse lawn chairs. Those are cute. I went into the house to get something and when I got back, there was a daddy long legs on my chair. My brother suggested that I go get a baseball

bat to take care of the spider. Now, not knowing any better, I went to the shed where we kept all the sports stuff. The baseball bats were on the top shelf of a large freestanding set of metal shelves. Since no one was around to give me a hand, I climbed the shelves. About three quarters of the way up, the whole thing tipped

and collapsed on top of me. He basically ended up with a cut above his eye. Six stitches. I never got to show that spider who's boss. I think the baseball bats showed him who's boss. This next one is from Marissa G. from New York.

When I was seven or eight, my extended family got together to visit. Some more family in Vermont during the summer, the mountains usually reserved for skiing, have this concrete luge thing that kids can ride down on plastic sleds. That's instantly going to be stitches. Or rash. Or awesome. Or just huge rock burns high speed rock burns coming up

that'll be our first album as the Twilight high speed rock burns I think that might be the band name we're the high speed rock burns that's really good could our first album be songs from the Twilight Boys sure

there are twists and turns and it's tons of fun we were having a be Songs from the Twilight Boys? Sure. There are twists and turns, and it's tons of fun. We were having a blast going down the paths over and over again. My cousins and I were taking a break when one of my older cousins mentioned that he was not following the directions of the signs that were placed along the route. Signs like slow down right before there was a turn. The next time I went down, I decided that if he didn't need to follow the signs, neither did I. Next time I went down, I decided that if he didn't need to follow the signs, neither did I. While going around a turn, my sled flipped over and I scraped out the whole side of my face and my hand. I didn't tell anyone the reason my sled flipped was because I was so embarrassed that I listened to my stupid cousin who was probably just showing off.

I don't think my family knows even to this day. I'm still embarrassed about it. I'm 23. Wow. So that was a bit of a confessional. Yeah. Well, yeah. I imagine most people listen to our podcast in a family setting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They gather around. In a Bill Cosby sweater. That happened to my friend Frank Barfuss. Really? His friends. Barfuss? Yeah, Barfuss. It means barefoot in Swiss.

Okay. So I got to use them. I used to get a lot of hockey equipment that said Barfuss. in Swiss. I used to get a lot of hockey equipment that said Barfus. A bunch of other metalheads got together and they were like, these two boring brother, and so they decided to

knock him off. Were they metalheads or were they Hulk Hogan? Well, that's... Okay, if you don't know me well enough, any... This is my Beethoven impersonation. Sure.

I'm going to bang out a symphony here, brother. But they knocked him off while it was going, and he just, like, his whole face got torn up, brother. And it was just terrible. You're just doing it to piss me off. I'm just doing it to mock you. All right. This is the last one for this week.

Anyways, this is from Colin A. And this is from a tween period in his life. I, Carly. Well, he said this is more of a tween trauma, which then he said this was in my early 20s. I don't think that this person understands. Early tweenies. Yeah, tweenies. That's right. And I was at a squat

in Paris so this starts really well a squat as in a place you're staying illegally I would yeah I suppose

you know there's gonna be some malnutrition in this story brothers this impression of running wild running wild like Hulk Hogan all over

the Hulkamaniacs. They had these weekly English shows with readings and comedy and music and stuff. And it was in this big room with lots of intellectual, arty people. Anyways, I was standing against the wall and checking out some girls sitting amongst the crowd. I decided to move closer to get a better look

and hope that maybe she'd notice me. So I moved back towards this bar and sat on it. Now, because this was a squat and the building didn't have much as far as lighting, the film was filled with candles everywhere, including the bar thing I was sitting on. So there I was watching the show and every so often glancing over at this girl when suddenly I hear some guy in the crowd say, dude, you're on fire. It doesn't sink in that it's me he's talking about until the whole room looks over at me. My heart then sinks, and I suddenly leap off the bar, trying to look cool and be on fire at the same time.

That's cool. And beeline for the hallway. There, instead of stop, dropping, and rolling, like I've heard a thousand times to do, I pat the back of my polyester cowboy shirt with my hands, and the shirt pretty much melts into my fingers. A couple friends take me to the hospital as my fingers looked exactly like Freddy Krueger's face,

and the doctor gave me some cream and bandaged them up. Luckily, one week later, I took the bandages off, and there was no scar. I never paid the hospital bill, which I don't know how that's the moral of that story. But thank you very much.

And we do have others, and we will get to them most certainly in the coming weeks. If you want to write to us, it's stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com, or if you want to phone us, it's 206-339-8328. We do have a few calls. We do. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Taylor in Vancouver. I have a childhood trauma for you.

Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Taylor in Vancouver. I have a childhood trauma for you. I was about seven years old and having a bath and having a really good time. I had my Fisher-Price radio playing some oldies. And I was playing in the bathtub with two Hot Wheels cars. And at one point a song came on the radio that I really liked. And so I got up, and I was dancing in the bathtub with my race cars in my hand. And then I slipped, and my legs flew up from underneath me. And as I was falling, one of my hands was with a Hot Wheels car,

and it hit the side of the bathtub. And then my face came down on the car. And I basically stabbed myself in the face with this little metal toy car. And, yeah, like split my face open. And so it went from having the best time ever to the worst time ever in about half a second. Sitting in the bathtub with bloody bathwater, blood pouring out of my face, just trying my eyes out. And I had to get stitches for that, and I still have a scar right underneath my nose to this day. All right, thanks, guys.

Love the podcast. But that's always how it is. You're having a great time, and then something happens, and it becomes the most awful time. Or you're trying to impress a girl. Yeah, you're in a squat in Paris. You're part of the resistance.

Yeah. You're one of Les Mis. Hey, Graham and Dave it's Matt R calling from Vancouver with a tale of maiming myself as a young child I was 14

and into diving off diving boards into pools and I was out at a pool in Chilliwack in the Fraser Valley with a buddy and decided I was going to do a dive to impress the girls there as if they weren't impressed enough by my speedo so I got on the board and I got all ready and set like they do and jumped up and out I was trying to do a back dive but I threw threw my hips. So instead of going backwards

into the pool, I arced up and over and onto the diving board head first, which caused my scalp to rip open from one ear to the other in a horseshoe shape around the front of my head and I got 76 stitches and the last thing I really remember is the sound of the girl I was trying to impress screaming on the surface of the pool. Alright, I hope it makes the show. I think the sub-genre that I'm starting to gravitate towards is the trying to impress a somebody of the opposite sex and doing exactly the opposite. And he called back immediately afterwards,

and I think this bears mentioning. Hey, Graham and Dave, it's Matt R. calling back, the guy who cut his head open on a diving board. I forgot to mention, if I did forget to mention, my short-term memory is pretty bad, but I got 76 stitches in my little adventure. You didn't say that before. The moral of the story is thank goodness for skulls.

And if I didn't have a skull, I wouldn't be here today because I wouldn't be in praise of skulls. And your short-term memory is bad, and I wonder why that is. He calls you tomorrow. He's like, hi.

One more thing, guys. 76. So, yeah, if you have an injury story, a childhood injury. Or an overheard. Give us a call at 206-339-8328. That's 206-9 and also I would like I kind of like what I heard earlier about the

reasons people got fired so if you have a story about oh yeah yeah I like that too like really stupid reasons yeah the only reason I know I ever worked with anyone who got fired was because they kept falling asleep oh yeah okay that's a classic one.

Yeah, but nothing specific. But, and also, I like the idea that Mike has brought up, where if you can present a picture of you and a famous wrestler who's not dead, you can send that to stoppodcastingyourself

at gmail.com, because I have a picture of me in the Honky Tonk Man from not that long ago. So I'll lead the charge with that. I mean everybody's got a picture of himself and the Honky Tonk Man, brother. Wayne Ferris, come on. And then Johnny Knoxville, please send in your picture of you and Mr. Fuji. Mike, do you have anything that you – like do you have an online place? Where can people find you?

I'm on Facebook basically. Okay. I don't really do anything. Do you have clips on YouTube, like, do you have an online place? Where can people find you? I'm on Facebook, basically. Okay. I don't really do anything. Do you have clips on YouTube or anything like that? I do. My girlfriend has a YouTube channel if you want to see the 22-Man Battle Royal. Yes. It's, her channel's called Shmonica.

Shmonica. It's S-C-H-M-O-N-I-K-A. Okay. At YouTube. And you can also see it's like me in clips and then there'll be like one time her friend and her were the only people at this wedding

and the bride forgot to throw the bouquet. So then I made them do it in the hotel lobby and then it turned into like a giant drag out fight. And like it was so... It ended up with my girlfriend on the floor, but she won.

That's good for her. But yeah, it's just... So you'll get to see some professional clips of my stand-up, and horribly amateur clips of us rocking out at a party. You know, stuff like that. Well, thank you very much for taking time.

I know that you have, like, you know, precious little time on this tour, so taking time out of your day and joining us here. That's great, of course, man. That's great. And do you have anything? Oh, I will be this weekend in Victoria. I will be on the... Heckler's Comedy Club. Yeah, on the 20th. At the Gorge.

Yeah, I guess. That's where it is. It's way out on Gorge road sure just outside of victoria telecom mall um and actually uh the night before i don't i doubt we have anyone near there i'll be in courtney if you're in courtney and you want to see dave perform comedy live make the six and a half block trip from wherever it is you live to the place where comedy's happening if you're in courtney go to the local movie theater, get a picture of you and Mr. Fuji. Or the Ultimate Warrior.

And yeah, if you enjoyed the podcast, please tell your friends. Check out StopPodcastingYourself.com and check out the blog that Dave does each and every week that makes it a very perfect companion piece to the podcast. And we'll see you here next week with another delectable episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.