Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 886 - Becky Johnson

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

Comedian Becky Johnson returns to talk heart attacks, electric erasers, and Hell’s Kitchen. Join us next week for MaxFunDrive 2025. Follow us: Instagram, Facebook, Bluesky.

Hi, he's Dave Schumke. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 886 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark. With me as always is a man who will be joining me next week for the Max Fun Drive and also we are celebrating our 17th birthday, Mr. Dave Schumka.

I might join you. You know, I mean. Oh, maybe I'll just fly solo in this one. We are celebrating our 17th birthday. I mean, the last week's episode came out on it, basically. Yeah, and so if we were a teenager, what would we be? I was thinking about that.

I was like, they don't, because driving laws are different now. I bet that there's less like, like driving like teenagers in accidents these days. Oh, yeah, I feel like it was a big cause of, you know, every high school had a kid who died. Yeah. And I don't don't know if that's what happens. Yeah, there was for sure there was a kid fell out of a truck in my high school. But you don't need a license to fall out of a truck that well in Calgary do they're very litigious. But yeah, the you know, you have to be older to rent a car.

I was like, can you rent a car at 17? But no, you have to be like 25. You have to be like 25 and even at 44, I don't understand. I don't know why sometimes it's like $300 for a day. Sometimes it's $80 for a day. Oh my God. I have to tell you a car rental story. But first, we must introduce our guest, very funny, improviser, comedian, writer,

one of our faves here at the podcast, it's Becky Johnson, hello. Hello, I wanna know who your least favorites are now. Oh, you're not like on the edge of your seat because he might tell a car rental story? I am excited about that. Well, let me tell the story. Okay, well, let's get to know us.

I was trying to rent a car. When was this? This was like before I owned a car, so like four or five years ago. Why? Because I wanted to rent a car for a weekend and do all the car things. I wanted to go to Ikea, I wanted to drive in. I wanted to go to drive through. Drive through bank. Yeah, I wanted to do everything. So I did it all. I got Starbucks drive through. I got AW drive through.

You wanted to, what are the other car things? You wanted to hit mailboxes with a baseball bat? I wanted to climb under it and change the oil. Oh, cruise around on Main Street and Saturday night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yell at chicas and whatnot. I wanted to be in a parade. Be a celebrity in a parade.

So I was looking around like what cheap, like Yelp, different car rental agencies. A lot of them are just like a couple guys who have a couple cars and have a desk somewhere. Really? Yeah, like outside of the- Two guys with big hearts, car rentals. Car rentals, you got it. So there was this one guy I called and when I called him, I had obviously still,

like I'd woken him up. He answered the phone like somebody who had just woken up and I was like, is this a car rental place? And he's like, yeah. And I was like, what types of car do you have? One, I got one car, it's Toyota. I was like, how much will it cost? How long do you want it for?

A day or two? $700. Oh my God. I have never heard, okay, I have rented many cars and I've never heard of anything like what you just described. Well, if you don't wanna go with your big, your big. How do you find these, this? Yelp. Yelp.

Just Yelp. Yeah. Okay. Never trust Yelp. Yelp. Just Yelp. Yeah. Okay. Never trust Yelp. I mean, at this point- I mean, you can trust Yelp if it's like saying like, this is a good Hertz location. Yeah, that's true.

Like this is the standard car rental place. Or like this place has bed bugs. Yeah. This, don't rent the cars from here. They have bed bugs. They have bed bugs. That should be my next question to this guy. Does it have bed bugs? Oh, for sure. And he was like, yeah, 500 bucks though. Yeah, yeah have bed bugs. They have bed bugs. That should be my next question to this guy. Does it have bed bugs?

Oh, for sure. And he was like, yeah, 500 bucks though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll knock it out. There used to be a place called Rent-a-Rec. I remember Rent-a-Rec. What was that deal? It was just like they would get used cars. Used cars and like you wouldn't be surprised

if you got one that had a dent in it. Or bed bugs. Yeah. They're everywhere. My friend went to Haida Gwaii a couple of years ago. Oh yeah. And he rented a car there and there's no, how do you get there?

You fly. You fly by boat. I used to work there. Really? But you can't get your car there. It's an island. You cannot, you can get your car there on a BC Fairest. Oh really?

Yes. Okay, cause he didn't know that or he. Well, it's also like an overnight ferry that you sleep on. Like it's not like down here. And so he was renting a car and he was like, they say it'll be there, there's no way of like guaranteeing it. There's no website. It's just a guy on the phone who says the car will be there

when I get there, but I have no idea. It's like being on an island calling the taxi. It's like the one taxi. I literally live on an island with one taxi. You did? Well, I do. You do? I mean, part-time.

Pender Island has one taxi. Really? Shout outs to Lightning Taxi. Pender Island, you got to make your reservations before 10 p.m. because they'll pick you up later, but they won't take the rezo. And if there's a concert at the hall, you got to get in line cause there's only one taxi. Yeah.

How often are you on Pender Island? About half, just under half the time at this point. Okay. Now. You're bi-coastal. I am an Ontario resident. Please hire me for Ontario work. Yeah.

The heritage funding will still work with me in your employee television shows. Yeah, so we're doing, this episode's gonna be all about grants The heritage funding will still work with me in your employee television shows? Yeah, so we're doing, this episode's gonna be all about grants and how the different loopholes you need. The funding streams for Canadian television day players. And also if you wanna run a car rental business

during the day to supplement that. Yeah, you can make 700 bucks in a couple days. Yeah, I know a guy. I wish I got his name. Yeah. Hey, Becky, were you on a Purdy's Chocolate ad? Yes. Oh, really? Yeah.

Nice. You enjoyed a hedgehog? For a holiday, I enjoyed multiple hedgehogs and then spat them out after they stopped rolling. I'm sure. That's how it goes. Are they, I've never had, because I think they have nuts.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, they're like hazelnut. Hazelnut, AF. They're very good. They're very good, but you're just like, I think they have nuts. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, they're like hazelnut. Hazelnut, AF. They're very good. They're very good, but you're just like, I can't eat four hedgehogs in a row. I learned from, you guys know Dan Byrne? Yeah.

Extraordinary Dan Byrne. I did a previous commercial where I had to eat blue cheese, which I do like. Graham's also allergic to that. Allergic to that as well, yeah. Okay, well, they checked. That's why I'm not an actor, all the roles, they say. It's all eating.

Yeah, we're gonna have you eating some fresh salmon, I can't do that as well. Okay, well, they checked. That's why I'm not an actor. All the roles, they're saying. It's all eating. Yeah, we're gonna have you eating some fresh salmon. I can't do this role. We're gonna have you eating a raw heart. Anyway, the blue cheese one, they checked so many times with my agent to make sure I actually liked blue cheese because actors will lie because we're all broken. We just won't work. And can you ride a horse?

Yes, and I can speak French. But anyway, I kind of panicked when I got the booking and I called Dan to be like, have you ever eaten anything? And he was like, yes, the spit bucket is your friend. Don't be a hero. Because the thing is that you could do 200 takes. Yeah, David Fincher is doing this blue cheese commercial. Does he do many, many takes?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And he's probably a lot of those famous directors like on the sly do ads just to have like. And eat blue cheese on the sly. They're just. Camerites. Anyway, so yeah, I did a whole day and I will say having my makeup all pretty

and sort of leaning over to spit blue cheese up over and over again all day in the corner of a room does feel like throwing up at a party. Yeah. But yeah, I learned that the spit bucket is your friend because yeah, you can't just do that all day. But like, is it a friend with benefits? Benefits are you're not sick.

Anyway, other dude in the blue cheese commercial chose to be a hero. He did not look well at the end of the day. So what was this an ad for particular blue cheese or was blue cheese just incidental? Blue cheese was incidental. I think it was like a PC. It was like all these different kind of holiday party things.

I don't know why they were like, we need to show people eating blue cheese, but I do quite like it. So it was fine. It rules. But I learned from that for the Purdy's commercial, but then for that they really got right through it. I only had to do like four or five takes.

So. Nice. Yeah. When we do a charcuterie plate, you know, we'll do a, your soft cheese, a brie, a camembert. Yeah. We'll do a hard cheddar and we'll do a blue cheese. And I only eat the blue cheese. I love it.

That's the secret. I love blue cheese. We'll get a little honey on there. Ooh, a fig. Fig even. Oh yeah, or like a fig jam. Ooh. Quince jam.

Ooh, a little bit of japonica. Pearl jam, right? Pearl jam, yeah. Isn't that jizz? What? No, I have a spit bucket, so I'm fine. Wait, is Pearl Jam, does that mean? Yeah.

Yeah, but I have a jizz bucket. Yeah. Yeah. When I do commercials, now Dave, these- David! These chocolates are gonna make you quite aroused. Yeah, and so don't be a hero, don't go to completion every time, but.

I mean, you can, but in the bucket. In the bucket. In the bucket. You guys are blue comedians. Yes. Yeah, blue cheese. Yeah, blue comedians. Blue comedians.

Did you, like, have you been doing a lot of acting, more writing, what are you doing these days? Oh, since 2020, I am terrifyingly unemployed. How is everyone else doing? Oh, I'm a Rockefeller at this point. Yeah, we became pandemic profiteers. Yeah, we had a toilet paper business. Yeah, toilet paper.

Invested in Zoom. Yeah. I was gonna say, yeah, what are your hustles? What are the good ways of taking advantage of people? We made rags. We were like, some people were wiping down their groceries, we made a killing. Yeah, and that.

You just, you bought affordable housing and turned it into verbose. Yep. That's great. Yeah, we're one of, we're totally not an Airbnb, we're a verbose. We're a verbose, cause you know. Higher class. You get to rent the whole place.

Just a nicer font. You can rent the whole place on Airbnb too. I know. I don't get those commercials. It's like Quizno in Subway where it's like, yeah, you know, you guys are the same. Yeah. So the last five years, interestingly, I have been doing more writing and somehow live theater became a fallback. So I've been playwriting and doing like live performance development.

And a lot of things also, it's like the funding was kind of there at the beginning of this five year stretch. And now I have a whole bunch of projects that have done one phase of development or two and just don't get to be real. So there's this wonderful musical I've been working on at Victoria. I've been working on a new album with Shirley Gnome. Oh yes. Writing with the amazing Shirley Gnome.

What a dream to write for her. She's a musical comedian, a Juno nominee. Have you had her on this show? No, but. Gnome, what a dream to write for her. She's a musical comedian, Juno nominee. Have you had her on this show? No, but only- Gnome. Gnome. Because Shirley Gnome is a pseudonym, so I don't know who would show up. That's the only thing, I only know her as Shirley Gnome.

But Shirley's trustworthy. Yeah? In character. Okay. Yeah. I just, oh, look, I don't know how to connect to a character. Next week, first week of Max Fun Drive, we're having Shirley. We're having Shirley now? She's not in town. Ah, what the hell?

I'm living in her house. That was our window. Anyway, I'm living in her house right now. But yeah, so that's what I've been doing. And then also, this is a really fun, hard shift for me, is working on a collection of poetry. Nice. Yeah, so that's what I'm trying to get published now.

Now what are long poems, short poems? Relatively short, but yeah, the first thing I've done that's not been comedically based because I went through a bit of a scary period coming back out west and dealing with family stuff and I did a bunch of always kind of writing and I was like, these don't feel like jokes. So apparently I wrote a bunch of always kind of writing and I was like, these don't feel like jokes. So apparently I wrote a collection of poems. That's the case then my notes app is filled with poems. I mean, it obviously, it probably is knowing your work. I mean, like what we do is not so distinct

from poetry anyway, you know, like. Yeah, well what I do is more like jazz. What do you do? What's your job? You're looking at a bib. Whoa, Ben. Dave, have you ever written a poem? Yeah, I was a really good English student in high school.

Are you like, they signed you write a poem and you could write a poem? Oh yeah, and then like in English, like I did creative writing as well in grade 12 as well. Nice. Yeah, I wrote some poems. Well, and you like made music. Oh yeah, man.

Were you into the lyrics writing? Girl. And then I took... Well, and you like made music. Oh yeah, man. Were you into the lyrics writing? Girl. Oh, I heard this one before. Oh, I know that one. Get over here, girl. You always walk away, but you should come over here, my girl. Oh, I thought you were gonna say my god.

And you say, that's really, that's spoken word. That's what that is. Wow, yeah. So is there a theme to this book? Is that like all one? Death and dirt. Death and dirt, okay. Yeah.

Like being afraid of death or? Or being afraid of dirt. I'm not afraid of death, I don't think. I learned that recently. Tell us how. Oh yeah, last week you were supposed to be our guest. I was supposed to be your guest last week, but I didn't feel like it.

Yeah, you didn't feel up to it. I didn't feel like coming. We were like lifetime ban and then we found out. Yeah, so I was supposed to come last week and instead I had a heart attack and went to the hospital for three days. I had a heart attack, that's what I did instead of coming here.

And that's not a joke, that's what happened to me. And I was just, I was feeling not good. And- You, Graham texted the day before you were supposed to come on the show saying, Becky's not gonna come on, she says she's having trouble breathing. No, that was the day of.

Day of, yeah. It was, because it was like two and a half hours before I was supposed to come, which as we know in this line of work, you don't cancel. Yeah, I try not to. You really, it's like our bodies are our money makers. Like, that's it. But it was like an hour and a half

before the podcast was gonna start. Yeah, and I remember, because I was feeling bad like two and a half hours before and was like, and honestly, a half hours before and was like, I, and honestly, a big part of me was like, just lie down, take a nap and, and then pull yourself together and go. And there was just whatever quality of chest pain I was experiencing. I was like, you know what? Call an ambulance. Well, I will say though, that the chest pain I was feeling was like, it was kind of like a bit of a chest cold was coming on and kind of like I'd maybe been doing some heavy lifting,

which I had been doing. Right. Like, I do a lot of manual labor-y stuff on Panda Island. And so it wasn't like, you know, shooting pains like, oh, I'm obviously having a heart attack. Yeah. It was maybe like, yeah, something's just. Did it happen over the course of days? Well, in retrospect, yes, but the thing that really made me go to the hospital happened.

I was, I was, and everyone's like, what were you doing when it happened? I was lying still in bed reading a book about edible plants of the Pacific Northwest. I was doing the calmest thing you can imagine. And I was just like, oh, you can use that root as a tuber. And then I was staying at a friend's place and like the, it was like the fan came on and there was part of me that was like, cause also my, I, again, in retrospect, I'm like, my brain was being affected by what was happening, but like, I was like, did I get like kind of a chill from the fan that's made me

feel like a little bit of a chest cold is coming on? Is that what happened? Right. So now in retrospect, I cannot remember what the quality, what the flavor of this experience was that made me go, go downstairs and make those people at the gallery on the ground floor here, call the ambulance right now. But I think Becky, you should do that. And yeah, so at that point I was like, I'm having chest pain, so I'm going to the hospital.

And then Graham checked in and was like, how are you? I was like, I'm having a heart attack. Everyone here seems very concerned. Yeah. Well, everybody I told, jaw drop. People, you know. Mine did. I actually, I went through all the stuff. That's a symptom of it though. Your jaw drops. A symptom is jaw pain and tooth pain.

I didn't know that, I was experiencing that. My teeth have been feeling great, I don't know. I grind my teeth, I feel like that all the time. Yeah, there's, Abby a few years ago thought she was having one because she had been feeling bad and then had looked into how women's heart attacks manifest differently than men's.

And it turns out she was just drinking some bad smoothies. But I don't know, given what my symptoms were, just go to the hospital. Like I'd had lower back pain for days and fatigue and kind of a weird kind of, I was out of it, but I was also working really hard and not sleeping very well. And you know, like it didn't feel, I was shocked. Like when, and they, I got an ECG

and then they like, they got me up into this like cath lab to put catheters in my body up to my heart so fast. Like when I was on a gurney and we got in an elevator and the nurse with my gurney just said to everyone else in the elevator, we are not going to your floors. We are going where we're going. I was like, huh. Huh.

I'd be like, well, my floor is just below your floor. It's just, I'll get out really quick. Yeah, I was like, it's okay, guys. And it was like, okay, so this is serious. And then afterwards, I still didn't know what happened. To the guy who just tried to put a stent in, I was like, so I had a heart attack. And he was like, yes.

You're having one right now. I'm not really here. I also then continued to have a heart attack for an entire day. That's what happened. No. They couldn't stop it. What does it mean?

Like when I think of a heart attack, I think of your heart stops. I know. So I've also just learned this. It means many different things. My heart did not stop. It just went cuckoo bananas for, I guess, around 20 straight hours.

So for me, it was that they actually don't know what happened, either... You weren't reading a book about edible plants, were you? Were you eating the plants? Were you eating poisonous plants out in the woods, girl? No, they were edible. Yeah, it was a tuber. I thought it was fine.

All tubers are fine. Yeah, so I actually still don't exactly know the definition, but it's like, so what happened to me was either one of my coronary arteries decided to, what they call, spontaneously dissect, so it ripped itself apart randomly without warning for no reason. That's all I need.

Or, I know. Great. This is the last thing I need. Or, I know. Great. This is the last thing I need. Or a blood clot made it to my heart and then they somehow ripped up my artery trying to put a stent in. But the arteries toast?

Toast, that little part of my heart's dead now. Do they fix it? Nope. This is what I'm like now. I guess an artery is not one of the four main valves? No, it's important. It was one of the main valves? Well, it's not one of the two biggest ones.

It's a third, slightly smaller one. Is there, are they gonna do anything else about it? Nope. So the other ones have to take over for? The other ones have to take over and we see how much of my heart they will feed and that little bit of my heart has stopped working. I don't wanna have a heart attack.

No. But at the same time, I hope has stopped working. I don't want to have a heart attack. No. At the same time. I mean. I hope it's quick. I will say this whole process, I was never, everyone's like so scary. And I was like, I was never, I never experienced fear. I experienced like. What's the. Loneliness.

Like I wanted my husband's in Toronto and I wanted him to be there. But I was never scared. So I was like, I hope actual dying feels like that. Like. Oh, it does Are we Dave's been on the on the table a few times. He was one of the flatliners. No, yeah, it's uh, don't yeah It feels fine. Well, I Do what's the But also are we dead because reality feels really not real right now, right guys?

I blame it on the Higgs boson myself. Oh, what's that? The large hardon collider? The large hardon collider. The biggest hardon in the world. Is that what it's called, the Hadron? Hadron collider, yeah. Feel after they switched that thing on, things went.

Of course, blame. Who's the gorilla that got killed? Harambe? Harambe? Yeah. Once he died, things really got... Yeah, things got spicy. And I blame...

The slap? Was it the slap? Oh, no. No, I think I blame the Maya. And I think in 2012, it happened. Yeah, that's right. And we just didn't notice it was a real kind of frog in boiling water kind of thing like started then. Yeah, no, it's, I mean, all good theories.

I mean, I guess I don't blame them. I actually give them credit. Yeah, they really should be like, hey, told you so. Yeah, well, he left it in stone so that you could see it centuries later. Didn't you watch apocalypto? Didn't you watch 2012? Yeah.

The movie that for some reason features LA's subway just because it can. Yeah, so does Collateral. Yeah, and like, and Speed. LA thinks that it has a lot more landmarks than it does, like Hollywood Sign. It's got Sixth Street, we love it. Sixth Street?

These are lyrics from from I Love LA. I don't know what that is. It's one of the streets. No, what's I Love LA? You know Randy Newman? I Love LA. Oh, yeah, keep going. I'm trying to remember the piano riff.

They have the... Sixth Street. Sixth Street. I love it. The Tree Boulevard. We love it. They have the, they have the- So it's six streets. Six streets.

I love it. The tree boulevard. We love it. They have the mammoths sinking into the La Brea tar pit. That's an important icon. And that's volcano. That's volcano. Volcano features the tar pits shooting out balls of fire.

That's right. Which is not how a tar seep works, but that's pretty fun. Is that where the wizard went? The movie The Wizard? The Wizard. The Game Boy one? The Game Boy one. The Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis traveling cross country

to go to a Nintendo tournament. It was our introduction to Super Mario 3. And that was probably the point of that film? That was exactly the point of that film. That was exactly the point of that film. That was the lead up, that was the climax, everything in the half-pair, who gives a shit? Oh, and also Power Glove. Yeah.

Remember when he put on that Power Glove? Oh, they were just trying to sell all this stuff. Well, we knew about the Power Glove before. It wasn't the intro to it. But it was just like, when he put it on, you're like, this shit's gonna get crazy. I want that. Yeah.

I want that, mommy, daddy, give me. Yeah, hey, if you have a Sega, it won't even work.'s gonna get crazy. I want that. Yeah. I want that, mommy, daddy, give me. Yeah. Hey, if you have a Sega, it won't even work. I don't care. I want to wear it to school. I want to wear it to school. I want to wear it to sleep. I want to do my first jack off with it.

I want to experience my first jack. I want to do a cheat code and then check off. Mommy, daddy, bring me the bucket. For my large hard on Collider. What were we talking about before we got into all of LA's? We were talking about- We were talking about 2012. Right, oh with starring John Cusack.

And that- I love that movie. It was the one that has the arcs that they built and that- Was that the day after tomorrow? That movie is the day after tomorrow. No. Like all the rich people have like made giant arcs in the. There's a lot of arcs in the third act. Yeah, that was the same one.

Of different movies. What's an arc as compared to a boat? I think an arc is to save you. A boat is just for fun. Arc is destination unknown, ruby, ruby, ruby, so-ho. Yeah. Nice. Yeah.

Arc, I'm trying to think of what other movies had arcs. I just read this book called- Joe Almighty, no, what is it, Evan Almighty? Does Contact have an arc? No, it has just a big thing. Yeah. I just read this book called The Wager. Oh yeah?

Had about a big shipwreck from 300 years ago, and then they all, these English sailors go around South America and they get marooned in Patagonia. And then they mutiny, well, it's unclear whether the mutiny was a mutiny, the captain did kill a guy. So can you mutiny? I think so because they have absolute power. But that corrupts absolutely as we know.

No, no, I think it's just a mutiny isn't necessarily bad as we are probably going to see very soon throughout all the politics of the world. Yeah. I mean, I'm going up to an ark I had built up in a... Shh, don't tell. Northwest territories. I'm not going to say where it was, but it's in the northwest territory. Anyway, it's a great book check it out The way the way here is it?

It's real. Yes, sounds like John Grisham the wager. No, that was the name of the boat. Ah The wager mm-hmm named after a dude, mr. Wager Please call me John. My dad is mr. Wager. My favorite part is they all get Scurvy. Yeah. You love that. We love that. I didn't know what scurvy really was, but without vitamin C, your body stops producing collagen.

Oh. So you get, everything hurts. And then they're all starving on the island. And at one point they kill a seal. And- Well, you're not gonna get any vitamin C out of that. No, but there was some wild celery on the island. Oh, great.

Oh, okay. Edible plant. Yeah. Edible wild. They killed the seal and they're feeling good for a couple of days. They're using every part of the seal. One guy-

Wearing his teeth and running around being spooky. One guy- Being spooky. Like all their clothes had disintegrated. They're using every part of the seal one guy wearing his teeth and running around being spooky one guy Like they all their clothes had disintegrated. So one guy just made shoes out of seal skin cool, and then two weeks later He's starving and he eats his rotten shoes. I mean I mean compared to other shoes. That's a fresher food source Sure. Yeah, I did a shoe. I need a croc. Yeah, I Also have seal skin boots. Yeah, yeah. I need a shoe. I need a croc. I need a shoe. Yeah. I also have sealskin boots. Yeah? And they've lasted you forever and ever?

Well, they're vintage, so they take some maintenance. I got them when I was touring in Norway. Oh, nice. They are wonderful. So warm. Did you buy them vintage? Yes. In Norway, okay.

They take care of their boots up there. They're like from the 70s. And it's really amazing to watch water fall off them. Like it's like, yeah, it's doing it. It's nature. Yeah. It's raining, can I put on my seal skin boots? I wanna watch water fall off them.

Yeah, I'm gonna take a shower. I'm just gonna stick my feet in the tub and hang out. Okay, so your heart is, it grew three sizes that day. I think it lost a bit. It lost an artery. One artery down. But you're a healthy, living kind of person? Yeah, so in a way that's cool, and in another way.

It's not cool in any way. No, but that's really great, and they've checked me out, everything looks good, and in another way, that's really concerning to a lot of my friends for myself and for themselves is that this just proves that the universe is run by chaos and you can't predict what's gonna happen. Yep, yep, yep. Sorry Mayans.

Yeah, I mean, they did predict it and they were right, but. We're all dead. And there is like a case of coming out. Imagine dying, your job is to make a podcast afterwards. What, you go to the afterlife and you have to make a podcast. I'm saying what if we're dead and then we still show up? We're just haunting like the airwaves. I mean, but everyone's dead, so no one's around.

Nobody knows. No one's around to be scared of us. It's like the sixth sense, these ghosts, they don't know they're ghosts. There was definitely coming out of like, coming out of the hospital on lots of drugs, being given more drugs and feeling quite like dissociated, then turning on the TV and being like, oh yeah, right, the president's bright orange.

Just these basic details, I'm like, that doesn't seem real. That doesn't seem like that guy is real. Yeah. He's bright orange and he stared at the sun? No. Yeah, he stared at the sun. I stared at the sun a bit that day too. Yeah, he's right orange and he stared at the sun. No I started the Sun a bit a bit that day, too Yeah, sure everybody had a blue, but you know, we're not in charge of anything a little boop at the Sun. Yeah Yeah, yeah, you sort of like like yeah, like a little look and then look away. Okay, so I'm seeing my phone is picking up this

Eclipse but do I trust it? Oh, yeah, it's happening. Yeah, and he's just really putting us through our pain. He's the best to ever do it. During his trial, there were lots of reports that he smelled bad, and I always thought that. I always thought that. He looks like he smells. He smells like he smells, right?

He looks like he smells. He smells like he smells, right? He looks like he smells like, he looks like he smells like a tuna sandwich. Really? I didn't think it would be that healthy. I would think it smells like a hamburger. That would be my thing. Or like a fryer grease. Yeah, there's old fryer grease. And diaper.

And diaper. There's a few restaurants in this neighborhood and then some days when they turn the fryers on it really just like wafts through the neighborhood. Yeah, and it's not great. Not great, it's not like KFC which rules. Yeah, they put the spice straight in the oil. It's not oil, it's like some sort of magical,

maybe it's like, what's the word I'm looking for? Like a tarsep oil. Like it's a petroleum based product that you can control the flavor of. That's what KFC feels like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, whatever's the thing that's the most artificial thing.

It's like Vaseline with seven spices in it. Delicious. Honestly, as a kid, you couldn't keep me away from it. Yeah, I used to like rub cinnamon Vaseline all over my elbows. Wait, is that true? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, and it... I don't know.

But then I saw an old, old interview with El Presidente where he was on Larry King, and the first thing he said, he was like, you know you have bad breath, right? And Larry King was like, no. And he's like, it really, really smells really bad. And that's his- To Larry King. To Larry King. Yes, I remember that.

And I was like, mm. That's part of his like judo. I know you are, but what am I? Like, mm-mm. But that being said, yeah, I'm sure. You could see Larry King probably. I'm sure, was he like smoking at the time? Yeah, smoking was probably the big like-

Fake teeth, might smell bad. Chomping on suspenders all day. That's, that became his trademark. You are what you eat. His diet of just like cigarettes, coffee and suspenders. How are you now? We're half an hour into the show. Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I feel good. I said before we started recording, I'm pretty high on drugs all the time now. So I pay a flat 250 a month and I'm high all the time. It's sort of this- 250 or $2.50? Oh gosh, I wish. $250 a month now seems to be what I have to pay

to stay consistently high on medication. Okay. All right. Which is probably cheaper than what I was doing before. Which was? Recreationally being high. Exactly, for more money. Yeah.

Oh, I did fentanyl. All right, here we go. I guess, because they offered it to me and I was like, no, because you don't want fentanyl. And then I was like, oh right, you're in the hospital. All right, you're in the hospital. You're allowed to have it. No, just give me a beer of cocaine.

When our old dog had his eye removed, he had a fentanyl patch that was gel that they stuck to his arm and we had to bring it back at a certain time or they would call the police. Right. My first knowledge, I mean, we're just, it's a very dark episode.

Not for us. Oh, okay, great. My first knowledge of it was watching intervention and there was someone boiling fentanyl patches and I was like, what is this? Anyway, I don't like opiates. It's a very dark episode. Not for us. Oh, okay, great. My first knowledge of it was watching intervention and there was someone boiling fentanyl patches and I was like, what is this? Anyway, I don't like opiates, they don't like me. So I kept trying to say no to morphine and fentanyl,

but then it would get to a point where I was like, actually, I think I'd like that right now. I don't, I really don't feel good. Yeah, no wonder you weren't afraid of dying. Well, seriously. Because that whole day when I kept having a heart attack, I didn't know I was still having a heart attack because I didn't understand how it worked.

But like, Taz came to visit, we did crosswords. I was feeling great. I would have came and visited and I didn't know you were in there for days. I thought it was an in and out. Only like, it was like two nights. I had the right amount of visitors. And also then people would go away.

And I was like, it's time for me to pass out or Yeah. Try to go to the bathroom, which is gonna take quite a while to get there. That's the thing, right? I don't think I'll, if I'm in the hospital for days, I don't think I want visitors. No, probably not. You'll want some.

You don't know me. You don't even want like your wife to come visit you? Sure. The wife can come. The wife can come. The dogs can come. Yeah, they don't let want like your wife to come visit you? Sure. The wife can come. The wife can come. The dogs can come. Yeah, they don't let the dogs in. Aaron Salazar had to leave his dog in the car.

Have you met that dog? That would be a very funny dog to have in the hospital. She's really excited and she's ginormous. Jumping all over, knocking IVs out left and right. There's someone I think, sometimes I think I see Aaron walking that dog, but it's someone else who has two of that dog and they to right. Yeah. There's someone I think of. Sometimes I think I see Aaron walking that dog, but it's someone else who has two of that dog, and they're enormous.

Yeah. Whoa. I ran into somebody that had a Bernadoodle, and it was nine months old, and it was as big as Aaron's dog, and it was still gonna grow. You guys should have Aaron's just his dog. We tried. We tried. He's got a very tough schedule.

Yeah. Can't make it work. We can't make it work. It was like an hour and a half, no ball, no. No, but we'll record it driving, you can stick your head out the window. He brought the dog over once. My dog and that dog, not friends.

I could see that, yeah. I could see that. I love Luma, Luma for life. But yeah, you feel good now in general. Can I get you anything? Can I get you anything? Can I get you anything? Do you want some Ventanil? What's the one, what was the Michael Jackson drug? Yeah, what was it?

It was non-morphine. Oh no, no, yeah, he was on like, it was some weird thing where he was on like, a drug that made him fall, not sleep, but become unconscious. So basically he never dreamed or slept. He just was knocked unconscious. Cool. I've had that before.

I just get hit over the head. You just get a big club over the head. Or a coconut, coconut'll do, falling out of a tree. Propofol. All right. Oh. And like fentanyl's like- We had a guest either,

I don't wanna speculate about which of our guests- Are on drugs? Well, a couple of them have heart things, but I don't remember to speculate about which of our guests are on drugs. Well, a couple of them have heart things, but I don't remember which is which. But some of had to do propofol. I've heard fentanyl, it's like they use in cancer patients. It's like a heavy duty.

I don't think there's another level up of fentanyl. No. That's the top of the pops. There's some that they're warning everyone against the super fentanyl on the streets. The super fentanyl? I know. I was wrong, goddammit.

I know, the kids today, it's like nothing's fun. It was a lot more fun when we were young. We could do kind of like lighter drugs. Yeah, kids get back into the lighter drugs. Well, they can't, the fentanyl's in cereal. It's in marijuana, it's in everything. It's too scary. Yeah, that's why I do get fentanyl charms.

For the kids. For cereal, yeah. Just chill them out. How many microplastics do you guys think are in your range? I got one big one. I've got a macroplastic. You do one a year. I just eat a credit card every week.

That's what I do. Remember when they had that stuff that was like face wash that had like little beads that you would scrub your face with? Then just throw them right in the ocean. But like, I mean, obviously that's terrible. But if all the plastics gonna turn into a microplastic anyway, like take out the middle man. Okay, here's my recent thing.

You know, we love our country, Canada. We don't want to be the 51st state. And so like on Pender Island where everybody is like, they freak out if there's a motorboat in the like orca section of the ocean. There's like a protected region. And like, fair enough, I don't want that either. But like all of these people have now bought plastic Canadian flags to just distribute microplastics from their front porches. And I'm like, okay, I think we gotta, I don't know. We gotta see the forest for the trees, folks.

We just, let's, honestly, having been through the hospital, I had fantastic care, I feel extremely lucky. The only thing I had to pay for was $850 for an ambulance ride. Yeah, yeah, they pay on the ambulance. But they're- I'm out of province. Out of province, yeah. lucky. The only thing I had to pay for was $850 for an ambulance ride. Yeah. They pay on the ambulance. But they're... I'm out of province.

Out of province, yeah. But you can work in Ontario. You can work here, no problem. And not have an emergency. But like if you're... If anyone's writing a grant for the Purdy's Chocolate's movie... The movie. Do you think I'm going to get a a spin off like the Geico caveman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, lady who eats chocolate.

Was the, didn't, wasn't the actress who was, had the drop of Baileys dropped on her tongue, didn't she, or am I think conflating too to everything that happened in Porto? I don't remember. Someone in a Baileys commercial then became, that's the thing about Canadian showbiz,

but like all you need is a successful commercial and suddenly you're being Erica. Yeah, where's Linda Cash's like cream cheese spinoff? Who's Linda Cash? The cream cheese angel. I thought she was, is she out? She is, but I just think she's so talented. I would like, I'd watch that angel have,

I would watch the backstory. There was definitely a time where Jerry D had a standup special on CBC, was hosting the Family Feud, and was also just like a guy in a commercial, not himself. Yeah. He was just like.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, guys, you can't. He's still playing people in a commercial. You can't do that. You gotta give other people, or it was an old commercial and they're like, oh, now he's hot. Yeah.

Let's replay it. Or it was in the six months where, no, maybe he was on Mr. D, not Family Feud yet, but. Right. He, uh, Russell Peters, he had like shot a special in his first couple of years of his career. And then when he got big, they like distributed it because they didn't have enough of a clause in it to stop. So they just like distributed on CDs and on stream and everything that they could. And it was became like, it was real,

like he had to take some to court because they just kept distributing this thing as if it was a Russell Peters approved project. I also, I mean, the other thing is like, we know we're Canadian people, the entertainment industry. Like I don't wanna pull the curtain back too far because I want it to seem like we are impressive people because we are, but also like,

I did not make that much money for that commercial. Like we don't get paid that much. You can have a show on television, you can't afford to buy a house. Like we're not, you know, we're hustling. Yeah, we're hustling. We're out there. And that's why the Max Fund Drive is next week.

Nice. Support the show, $5 a month goes a long way. It's whatever whatever. Yeah. And someone helped me publish my book of poetry because that's how I'm gonna make it big. Do you have a title? Yeah, it's called Pender Dirt right now. Pender Dirt.

Yeah. What is the, Graham will always say that the biggest selling book of poetry is? Jewel's A Night Without Arbor. Jewel? Yeah. Remember Jewel? Yeah, she lived in a van in Alaska. Yeah, yeah. without Arbor. Jewel? Yeah. Remember Jewel?

Yeah, she lived in a van in Alaska. Yeah, yeah. She wrote a book of poetry and it was like a bestseller. It was like the bestselling. There's that other lady now, the Instagram lady. I forget her name. Yeah, what is her name? I wasn't aware of her.

Rupi Kaur? Oh, yeah, right. And of course, you know, we buy our books of Rumi's medieval Persian poetry. Persian? I want to write a mini audio biography about the poet Rumi, so. I've been reading more poetry in this process and I got a bunch of like Gwendolyn McEwen's work. How's she doing? Quite dead.

Okay. Deeply, deeply deceased. Sorry. Long ago though, it's not too soon I don't think. Sorry I meant to visit you in the hospital, Gwen. But I, like just most incredible poetry. Like it's, I'm not a massive poetry person. It doesn't all connect with me.

In this stuff, I'm just like, yes, yes, yes, there's humor. It's clever without being too clever. And then, of course, I read up on her biography and I was like, oh, died alone in a basement suite. Okay. Okay. Well, that's the perfect ending for a lot. Well, thank you. That's where I'm headed. We're in a basement right now. Yeah.

I'll try not to die in your basement. Yeah, try not to. Yeah, the paperwork. Oh my gosh. Oh your basement. Yeah, try not to. Yeah, the paperwork. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, yeah, I'm an Ontario resident. Yeah. Also, am I putting this episode out if she dies in the middle?

Yeah, exactly. I did get, I don't know if your comedy gets this reaction a lot, but I did get that sort of wince laugh out of Aaron Salazar by saying like, I'm glad I didn't just go and die on the podcast. And then I was like, you know, the group picture could just be me with my head down on the desk.

Well, we can do, we haven't taken our picture. We can do that. Yeah, we can do two versions and then we've got you covered. And then you can put this on a CD, like Russell Peters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm gone. I'm not going to sue. Yeah. This is great. This is a great idea. This will be a great CD to have. This is, like, she's got a lot of money making ideas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Book of poetry, podcast on a CD. One episode on CD, t-shirts of the episode somehow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe transcript all over a t-shirt. Sure, people love transcripts. T-shirts. Well, I'm glad you're out and I'm glad you look great and you sound great and I'm glad you

guys are here. Dave's shaking his head. No. I know. I thought you were shaking your head. Dave is shaking his head. You look stronger than ever. You look like...

Dave and I went to high school together, so there's probably a bit of competition about like who dies first. Oh, sure. Who makes it to the reunion, Who looks better at the reunion? I was talking to someone the other day who just had their 50th reunion and only 12 people were dead. And they were like...

That's pretty good. So they're like in their late 60s and like 12 people are dead from my class. I'm ancient. I'm like, it doesn't seem that high. No, that's not like 12 from... How big a class I guess it depends. I don't know.

How big a school. 13. Y'all have to bleep out who it was, but it was. Ah, shit. Oh, and the listeners, I'm never gonna say, no matter what you give me, I'm not gonna say that name. You had offered me stuff and I didn't take you up on stuff. You were like, can I get you anything? And I feel like I really dropped the ball on that.

So I wanna circle back before I forget to make you give me a gift. Oh, on air, I said that? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Before the show, I offered you water and you. I have water. Okay.

But do you have any food? Yeah, are you hungry now? I'm feeling like I should eat just a thing. Why don't we take a quick break? Yeah, let's take a quick break. Okay. Well, we're back from our break. We had a wonderful plate of crackers and cheese.

And apple, you went into the whole charcuterie. Yeah, I call it charcuterie. I wanted apple. Yeah. So I cut up an apple. Yeah, and it looks delicious. I do have apple every single day. Whole apple?

Yeah. And you did not have to go to the hospital, you kept the doctor away. Yeah, I do keep the doctor away. It's a ambrosia, that's my apple of choice. I think an apple a day would keep the doctor away if you throw the apple at the doctor. Sure.

Every day you show up and throw an apple at a doctor, even though he's not coming around. You know what keeps the doctor away? Oh, your breath, Larry King. Yeah. You know you really have bad breath. Dave, what's going on with you? Oh my God, did I tell you I read that book?

Yes. Is that the big news? You read the boat book. I got less big Oh my God, did I tell you I read that book? Yes. Is that the big news? You read the boat book. I got less big news than that, I can tell you. Is this a segment? Yeah, we're just getting a little Dave. Yeah. Oh, we've been getting to know you this whole time.

We've been getting to know you this whole time. Oh, I forget what's going on. So now Dave, we're just same point back. So yours is rental car, mine is heart attack, Dave is boat book. Graham was a rental car, Graham still has to go. Yeah, I still have to go. Oh, I thought we were getting to you.

And I still have to go. He still has to go. But we all are talking. Yeah, well that's the show, I guess. We are all still talking. I was trying to explain this show to my friend who's staying with me and she was like, so what kind of podcast is it?

And I was like, well, they started really early so you didn't really need a thing. Correct. And that's maybe why we're still going because we haven't, I mean, my original idea was a tour of the edible plants of the Pacific Northwest. Oh my God, I would love it. Let's go.

I'm trying to think, stop pot, pea potting. Yeah. Stop tubering yourself. Stop, ugh. Foraging. Foraging yourself. I mean, foraging yourself creates an image. It does. Yeah.

I can picture what foraging yourself is. We can do it later today. If I'm honest, we can do it later today. I'm gonna root around. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Rooting around with Graham and Dave. That would pretty much be it.

That's pretty good, routin' around. Oh wait, I wanna be in it. Okay. Why'd I write myself out of the job? Yeah, yeah, no, get yourself back into the job. Routin' around. So, boy, you wanna hear a cool story. I sure do.

Yeah, it better be cool. This is, so my wife took my kids to Daiso. What is Daiso? Daiso is like a Japanese dollar store. Yeah. It's an Asian dollar store for sure. I have a really cool mug I got from Daiso that has all different candies

and what their calorie count is. On the mug? On the mug. That seems like judgment. Are they like famous candies? Or is it just like a gumball? Yeah, a gumball or a donut or yeah, all this kind of stuff. Does that make you feel bad?

Like you don't want to eat them? Oh, the mug's not the boss of me. Yeah. Oh, okay, great. Also, he's not drinking a mug full of candy. Not that I know. I don't know your story. Maybe he's shoving a mug full of donuts

and slurping it down. Oh Oh God, a donut, my God. So you got to go to Daiso or? No, I took the kids to Daiso and they came back, the dogs are going crazy. They never should have got that charcuterie place. I left all that cheese out for them. And she came back, they had gone wild. You go there, you get a little container And she came back, they had gone wild.

You go there, you get a little container. You get some cheap lotion, but a nice container. All of the packaging there. Oh yeah. And then they got like stationary. And one of the things I got was an electric eraser. So it's an eraser. But it gives you electric shocks. Do either of you use pencils anymore?

Yes. Yes, you know, rooting around under a fingernail or something like that. With a pencil, that'll make it dirty. Look, I didn't say it's a good thing. What else am I supposed to use? I don't have toothpicks in my mouth. Well, use a pen to get out of the pencil.

I have a special tool just to clean my fingernail. You do? I do. We'll talk off air. Okay. The electric eraser, what is this? What does it conjure in your head? To me, it's not attached to a pencil.

This is its own thing and it's electric and it buzzes around. To me, there's two options. One, it's just a normal eraser, but it gives you an electric shock because it was bad that you made a mistake. Or it's a vibrator. Yeah. When you're picturing it giving you a shock, is it battery operated or is it plug-in? It looks like a normal eraser. So I guess there's a battery somehow in it. So you don't know, but yeah, you've gotten a shock because it is bad. You are a bad person.

I am. And the thinking of an eraser being plugged into an outlet, what would that look like? Well, it is a, I'd say it's about the size of a, like a highlighter, one of those sort of like that. Okay, yeah. flat and wide. Classic highlight. Yeah, yeah, a Stabilo Boss. Number one in highlighters.

Is that a brand name? Yeah. Oh, I'm a Bic girl. Yeah, I chose. She's a bargain basement Bic gal. I'm a Bic gal. There was a comedian who used to have a joke about how big should advertise that they make razor blades,

pens and lighters? Yeah. And just like, everything you need for a prison tattoo. Oh, I thought it was just gonna be like, isn't that cool? It's so many things. Yeah, just a weird, we picked these three things.

Everything you need for a prison tattoo, that is good. You need a lighter for a prison tattoo? I don't, yeah. Well, you gotta melt- Sterilize. Yeah, no, not sterilize, they don't care about that. Yeah, they do. You have to melt the plastic to put the razor in. That's what you need a lighter for.

You can also sterilize with it. Like, you know, maybe the nice ones in prison, but you know- There are nice prison tattoo people. You're right. Who am I to judge? Yeah. I've never been to prison. There's artists in prison. people. You're right. Who am I to judge? Yeah. I've never been to prison.

There's artists in prison. Of course. Of course. Let them out. Well. Pardon the tattooers. I'm assuming they were locked up for bad tattooing. Yeah, don't lock them up.

Let them be. Lock her up, her emails. Anyway. Lock her emails in his laptop. Thank you. So it is about the size of a highlighter and it's just got one little eraser on it. And you're right, it vibrates.

Nice. And it doesn't seem to erase any better than a regular eraser. But does it release microplastics? Probably, sure, yeah. And like, so is it as fast as you can do it with a hand? Fast as fast can be. You'll never catch me. It's the Jackalope.

Are you now worried that your children's erasing muscles will atrophy? That's true. They're so lazy. These kids don't know how good they got it with their electric racers. They're living their Wall-E life up in the Ark. Wall-E has an Ark. Yeah, has an Ark. Wall-E has an Ark. Yeah, of the Ark. Wall-E has an Ark. That's right. Spoilers.

Spoilers. The Arks are always in the third act too. That's true. You gonna end, Bec? Not of the Bible. That's true. Somewhere in the middle. Maybe for my people?

Where do we end it? Where's the Torah end? How many acts are in the Bible? Anyway, write in. Yeah. Call. You guys have a phone number, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, give us a call. Call the phone number. Well, let's see, Abraham saves the cat.

Abraham saves a cat? Abraham saves his son. Sure, I was just doing this sort of like script structure, act structure. I was like, what Torah are you reading? There's a cat? – How many acts would you, if anyone is good at structure, are there 500 acts in the Bible? – Yeah, do you, have you read the Torah? – Not all of it. I have not, I have not read the Torah, but I went to Hebrew school,

so I'm familiar with it. There's five books. One of them though is called Numbers, which I think is just numbers. It's like a lot of stats. It is. The box score of all the different. Well, Moses had a great year. Yeah. So it's sort of structurally experimental, we shall say, in the Torah. That's where Moneyball came from, was the numbers. From the Torah?

Yeah. Oh, wow. And I could not tell you what happens to Deuteronomy. Is that maybe where Kabbalah comes from? Oh, it could be. And was Kab not tell you what happens to Deuteronomy. Is that maybe where Kabbalah comes from? Oh, it could be. And was Kabbalah the one with the red string? Kabbalah is not related, different book, different, weird stuff. It's like the- I'm not going to ask any more questions for it.

But it's kind of not official, the Kabbalah and the Zohar. Sure. Well, don't mess with the Zohar. Don't mess with the Zohar. My God, if you learn nothing else from this podcast. Don't mess with the Zohar. Sure. Well, don't mess with the Zohar. Don't mess with the Zohar. My God, if you learn nothing else from this podcast. Don't mess with the Zohar. Furthermore, click. But I, yeah, so then we got this thing, whatever, who cares? Yada yada.

But I'd never seen one before, never heard of such a thing before. And that very night I went over to my parents' house and my mom was like, look what I got. Oh shit, for real? She also got an electric eraser. Also from Daiso? No.

Oh, she went to another retailer. I have a weird question for you. Do either of you eat this like crunchy chili sauce, garlic chili sauce? I have. Because that's the experience I'm having right now with crunchy chili sauce is that it's everywhere. Is it the one with the ladies face on it?

Yes. And I'm allergic to garlic and onion, so I cannot eat this stuff, but it's not always- I'm allergic to anything crunchy. Oh yeah, that's right. He likes only soft. Mush. He's just a smooth dude with an atrophying jaw.

I get a cone from Dairy Queen. They're like, can I dip it? No, it'll be too crunchy. Just some on-fla-lac and anyway, but this chili sauce is everywhere. And the way people talk about it is creeping me out. And I feel like it's that horror movie thing where like, cause I can't eat it, I get to be the survivor.

Like the stuff, you know, the movie, The Stuff? Yeah. Yeah, it's one about like- Michael Moriarty. It's the first astronauts and they're kind of going into training. No, that's the Right stuff. It's the right stuff. This is a movie where this isn't a spoiler because in the first Literally 30 seconds a man sees something bubbling out of the ground in the Arctic sticks his finger in it eats it and goes yum

That is literally the first 30 seconds of this Anyway, but people keep talking about this chili sauce and they're like, I'm just looking for excuses of what to put it on. I've just been eating it by the spoonful. So many people have been saying this to me. It's starting to weird me out. Anyway, so this would be the eraser. I dare that stuff.

There are chili crunches I do like. That one has too much. Crunch? One of the crunching elements is too unfamiliar to my tongue and I'm like, what is this? Is this? Is it a spread? What is it?

It's an oil with gunk in it. It's a crunchy oil, right? Crunchy oil, okay. It's got like the chili flakes. It's got chili flakes and it's got, but it's got mysterious crunchy twigs. Okay. Oh, twigs.

I thought it was more of a circular type crunch. A circular twig. Yeah, because like, if you get like a granola or something, there's like, who knows what's in there. It's oats and then little round things. And up till you went gluten free, I thought oats were wheat. So did I. Yeah. Buckwheat, not wheat.

Not wheat. Buckwheat, not wheat. Okay, we should get into buckwheat in a big way. Yes. I think we should get ha. Buckwheat, not wheat. Not wheat. Buckwheat, not wheat. Okay, we should get into buckwheat in a big way. Yes. I had some sourdough from Saltzmering Island

and I can eat that apparently. Gluten-free sourdough? No, just regular sourdough. Oh, apparently yeah, that for some folks, depending on your issue, that's. Yeah, so I'm living large, I'm gonna get over there, I'll tell you what, grilled cheese is all around.

I'm gonna make you some sourdough at some point. Okay, all right. I'll come pick it up in Toronto. Or Pender Island. Oh yeah, sure. Do you have two going? Uh-huh. I have two, I also have two,

we were off air, we were talking about sourdough because Dave and I both do sourdough. I have two starters going. One that I started during lockdowns called Madam Trash because I made her out of garbage. Like wine bottle sloshings and some drinks I started during lockdowns called Madam Trash because I made her out of garbage. Like wine bottle sloshings and some dried currents. I started it myself.

And then the other one was given to me by a friend and it came from Florida, so I call it Everglobs. Everglobs is a really healthy one. And then now I feel like defensive about Madam Trash cause she's not as strong. Cause she's made out of garbage. Mine are made out of, I do have two going, we talked off air, but I only need one.

But they're just flour and water. Can they do it? Yeah. You don't need to put extra. But these two have different identities. Like they behave differently. So I know that they're different. Everglobs keeps growing in the fridge. Madame Trash unfortunately does not.

But does Madame Trash just stay on the counter? Is that? Well, she has to go in the fridge sometimes. That's just my lifestyle. Yeah. And she collapses, and Everglobs just... Like the stuff, like the movie The Stuff, she just globs over into the whole fridge. Oh really?

Like take over the whole fridge. But what if you let it? Have you guys seen the pictures of dumpsters that dough has been thrown into and then it keeps growing? Oh. No, but this, it seems like something I'd be into in a big way. I want this to be on your Instagram. It will be.

Because it's so, it's like pizza places, like you toss their dough and then it very much the stuffs. It's like the blob. It's be. Because it's so, it's like pizza places, like you toss their dough, and then it very much the stuffs out. It's like the blob. It's like blah, blah. It's so delightful to me. I love this. It's like the most wholesome dumpster content too. I'm just a big fan of dumpsters in general. Yeah, they're very funny dumpsters. So just some idiot was like, I gotta get rid of this dough. There's no way it'll get bigger. I mean I don't want to judge their intelligence level. Like this dough is never gonna rise. But like also. Or I gotta get out of here. There's so much dough and I gotta go home to my kids. Sure. But like at least they're not

flushing it down the toilet. You know what I mean? Like I feel like that could really backfire in a big way. Although, probably clean you out, clean out your pipes, I got a slow drain situation. It would probably clog up your pipes. I mean, it depends when you get it going. There's an ad. Once it's out of that first pipe, it's a city's problem. There's an ad for a thing that you put on your sink

and it like shoots out a purple foam and it cleans out your sink and it's the most satisfying goddamn thing to watch. But does it work in real life or is it just a lie? You know what I'm saying? No, no, it's like a product you can buy. Oh, I know it's a product, but is it a product that works? Well, it does in the ad.

That's what I'm saying. This isn't a testimony. Is it a product you can buy in stores or is it just an ad that's like for amazing products and then you click on it and there's nothing to click on. It's not an English. Did Adult Swim make this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a company, right? You know what else shoots out of it? Really satisfying, Purple Foam. Go on. Horny Groupers. Barney? Oh. I was close. You both got in the same zone.

We were both in the furry zone. Anyway, so Look out, apparently electric, whatever you call them, the racers are coming for you. They're on the rise. Graham? Yes. What's going on with you? Do you ever do where you're like,

just putting on a show just to have something happening on your phone or? Oh, on TV? Or do you mean like, let's put on a show? Yeah, I thought you meant... When you're doing this boring in the neighborhood, you're like, let's, okay. Have you ever produced a bunch of shows

at Little Mountain Gallery just to have something to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just, do you ever put on a show to save the youth center? And you know what? Didn't work. They bulldozed that motherfucker. Didn't work, the kids were out of control.

They did not deserve it. That's right. There was literally, oh, where was it? I think it was somewhere in Canada that they were literally demoing a community center to literally put up condos. Oh, I mean, people live in condos. Yeah, but you know, it's the community center.

That's where kids learn to break dance. Do you understand? So I wanted something boring in the background. I was thinking it was gonna be a parking lot because that's what they literally paved paradise to do. Yeah, it goes to a tree in a tree museum. And community centers are paradise. But I was trying to figure out

what can I watch that's in the background? And then I saw a clip of somebody who had seen Gordon Ramsay riding on the SkyTrain. Yeah. It's like Gordon Ramsay, that's what I'll put on in the background because he swears a lot. There's so many shows though.

What do you pick? I picked- Kitchen Nightmares? Hell's Kitchen. I like Hell's Kitchen because he swears a lot. And because it's on streaming, it's not bleeped. Your Gordon Ramsay is like, do you want the maximum swears?

Yeah. Well that's, yeah, because with the Kitchen Nightmares, he comes in and says like, this is sod or whatever. He'll say something that's- This is rancid. He said, this is sod?

This is sod, sod off or something. This is sod off. This is sod or whatever. He'll say something that's- It's rancid. He said, this is sod? This is sod, sod off or something like that. This is sod off. This is bollocks. But then he gets nice at the end of the program. But Hell's Kitchen, he only becomes nice at the very end of the series. The rest of the time he's like, fuck off, get out of here, fuck you.

He's ripping people's arms off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, I watched a whole season of it. I had it in the background. And my question is, and I haven't done any research, is it really a restaurant that they're in or is it a set that looks like a restaurant? My guess is that it's a set.

Do you know this show? Because I've seen like ads for it, but I've never watched. Oh, okay, so the premise of the show. I can't entirely tell the difference between his various shows. So this show, there's two teams, Red Team, Blue Team. And they compete. Hell's Kitchen it's called? Hell's Kitchen.

I'll pull up an image of it. Well, it's gonna look the same as the others. No, in Kitchen Nightmares, he goes into someone else's. He goes into somebody else's restaurant. Oh, Hell's Kitchen is a competition. Yeah, it's two teams cooking and there's like a, in front of a, like a, the diners, the people eating, they get to, they're watching the people cook.

Yeah, they can hear it and depending on what they're saying, they can see it. I don't think I have seen this. He swears a lot and it's, that's his hair, that's his hairdo, that's his. That's his hair. I mean, he's no David Lynch. Are you thinking of Hell's Kitchen, the Broadway musical from Alicia Keys?

Yeah, that's what I was putting on the background. Just looped it. That seems nicer. Anyways. That's the restaurant from it. That's the restaurant. I don't know if it's a restaurant or if it's a set that's supposed to look like a restaurant,

but this one took place in Las Vegas. Well, this is Caesar's Palace, Gordon Ramsay, Hell's Kitchen here that we're looking at. So it takes place in Las Vegas. And to make it Vegas, all the like dumb, like always zip past the like game that they have to do cause I feel like it's like demeaning. There's a game, there's like a toss up game

at the beginning. Well, yeah, it's like, okay, you're gonna have to, you're gonna have to pick these ingredients out of a pile. And someone gets immunity or something. Oh, they got a, they got like a fun activity. They get immunity, but they're like, you get to go on a helicopter. You get gets immunity or something? Well, they got like a fun activity. They get immunity, but they're like, you get to go on a helicopter.

You get to go play the one-armed bandits for an hour. That's right. On the house's money. But, because it was Vegas, they had all these Vegas things. One of them was Chris Angel, and he did some private tricks for them, just them in the audience.

Oh my God, they get to go to have a croissant with Chris Angel. He'll trick you. Or did you? He'll trick you. Don't turn your back on him. But there's one thing where he's like flying around the stage and they're all like,

how is he doing that? I'm like, wires, it's wires. Wires you can't see. And then they got to go see Carrot Top and he was like, he showed them a funny prop and they were like, how is he doing that? And he roast Gordon Ramsay a little bit. And then he flex to go see Carrot Top and he was like, he showed them a funny prop and they were like, how's he doing that? And he roast Gordon Ramsay a little bit. And then he flexed his arm really big and disappeared.

He just put a wig on a toilet. He put a wig on a toilet and went, Wendy's. That's about right. So, yeah, I watched the entire season, which I didn't plan to. I planned to watch two episodes. And what time of day did you start? Yeah, and what, did you watch them all in a row?

No, but I watched them within three days, which I feel is like a lot, because it's like network television. And this is daytime stuff? Like while you're doing? Yeah, whenever I'm just- Busy work? Yeah, tooling around.

And yeah, it's, it's but whenever you're just harvesting edible wild plants yeah yeah I put it on a TV I carry around but yeah the the kind of brother or sister show to this is like Topshop and Topshop is very classy and Hell's Kitchen is super trashy. But is there a difference in the food, like in terms of classy trashy? Like before Top Chef, I had never heard of ceviche. Oh yeah, yeah, they do. Or sous vide.

Sure, yeah. Yeah, or what's the one? Ancho chilies, I've never heard of ancho chilies before Top Chef. And they come up a lot. Yeah, yeah. Wow, what's the one? Ancho chilies, I've never heard of ancho chilies before. Top Chef. And they come up a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And then on Hell's Kitchen, it's just like.

Put this burger on the floor. Yeah. That's the challenge. Can you pick up a burger from the floor and make it taste good? Can you skate on these burgers? But the thing is you hope, it's the opposite. On Top Chef, you hope that they do well

because you like, you wanna see the beautiful food. On this, you want them to do bad so that Gordon Ramsay goes and says, fuck off. He says piss at them. And then he'll pick up a steak and whip it across the kitchen or he'll just smash a piece of fish. Oh gosh.

But it all started because he was hanging out in Vancouver, I guess, I assume, because he is opening a restaurant. Yeah, he opened a restaurant Gordon Ramsay's steak in River Rock Casino. Do you think that on the first day he goes, he shows up and then calls everybody a fucking donkey? He calls people donkeys?

Oh yeah. Is that sort of his thing? Well, he'll call them a lot. It's Shrek's thing, but he kind of co-opted it. I recently watched a show called Culinary Class Wars. Oh, that's about, I feel like that's probably the same. Have you seen it? No.

It's, I think it's made in Korea and it starts with a hundred chefs. And I gotta say, reading subtitles for a hundred individual people at once is challenging. Yeah. Cause it'll be like, man'll be like man 14. Yeah. Says something and I was like, wait, what is happening? Was this before the heart attack?

It was after 2012 though, so still could be dead. What, does he have like a catchphrase when he kicks people off? Get out of here, donkey. Oh yeah, he says, you have to give him your chef jacket. Bib. Yeah, and he says, give me your jacket. And then he says. you have to give him your chef jacket. Yeah, and he says, give me your jacket. Does he beat you out?

You get a beat out? You get beaten up. He gets your coat, he hangs it up, and then the picture of you above the coat lights on fire. Oh, really? It's Hell's Kitchen. It's not Heaven's Kitchen. Whoa. If it was Heaven's Kitchen, you'd turn into cream cheese. Also the interstitials for other shows are,

it's hell all the way with this. So interstitials are like a cleaver going into meat. That's not hell. But it's red, it's all red, like hell steak. Yeah, it's hell meat. Hell is like Hieronymus Bosch, it's gotta be like an egg guy. Well this is-

Like an egg with legs sticking a needle in you. And this one, instead of having a pencil behind his ear, he's got a pitchfork, a little baby pitchfork. Like the kind that you would put in a teaky drink. That's pretty minimal. It looks like a fascinator, I love it. Wait, I can't quite see from here. Oh, this is another thing.

Since heart attack, my eyes have been worse. Oh shit. I've lost vision in the last week. But does he have little, like is his hair vaguely styled with horns there? No, it's just his hair. That's just how his hair is. Yeah.

Like I thought it was a very subtle horn suggestion. Oh, I mean, it's certainly plugs. My favorite thing they do on the show. Like Joel McHale. Like everyone. Do you have plugs? No, but. Do you have plugs?

Great. Oh, that's why I'm wearing a hat. But like it used to be like, Hey, Gordon Ramsay's got plugs. Now it's literally every famous man. And he'll always do a thing where they're like, please welcome this guest judge. And then they say the name and only they know who it is. Like, Michael D'Angelo. And you're like, I don't know.

But they're all like, Michael D'Angelo is here. Oh my God. Yeah, it's all these chefs and you're like, oh. Yeah, like this does something for them. All these chef shows have created celebrities. Sometimes they bring on people from past seasons. Yeah, or people who were contestants on Top Chef. Yeah.

Bobby Flay is a household name now. Of course. He's a problem, right? Bam. That's not him. I remember. That's Emerl? That's Emerl.

Emerl. Which I think I only know because there's like a joke character about him on Futurama. I bet it's, I think that he voices it himself. Oh, that'd be nice. Yeah, I think that's probably the case. He seems like a guy who's got a good sense of humor. Emerald?

I think. I remember Top Chef, when you left, it was like, pack up your knives. And kill yourself. And get out of here. On Project Runway, it was, you are out of style, Alphysen.

Alphysen. Yeah, at the start, Alphysen. You're out of style, Alphysin. You're out of style, it was definitely Alphysin. Sometimes you're in and sometimes you're out. Sometimes you're in, sometimes you're out. Yeah. And then- I love her voice. It's so comic. I remember,

we were talking about this years ago with Kayla Lorette and then we came up with the catchphrase, pack up your shit and get the fuck out. Was that for Gordon Ramsay? No, just for anyone. Just blanket. What if every show just had the same tagline? Or was there one where it was just, there was like a garbage themed show and they put

you in a bag and they say, you're trash. You're trash. You're trash. You're fit for the pit. Oh man. Oh wow. Well it wasn't on that show. Holy You're trash. You're fit for the pit. Oh man. Oh, well, it wasn't on that show. Holy shit. Yeah, everything was fit for the pit.

So anyways, if you need to put something on the background that has swears in it. Got milk? Where's the beef? I can't recommend Hell's Kitchen enough. And I'll be at his steak house ordering, I guess potatoes. Maybe they have asparagus I can have. What's your diet? You got a lot of restrictions.

Yeah, very limited diet. Just asparagus and potatoes for this week. Asparagus, potatoes. You had a brownie. I had a brownie that I got earlier. That's nice. Yeah, treat myself. Like a gluten-free high-protein brownie or something? Yeah. Yeah. So not good. They don't taste good. I've gotten used to that's how it is.

It's sponge. It's sort of a scouring sponge. It's like spongy, yeah. High-protein sponge. A sponge that's absorbed an egg in some way. That'd be great if you could have egg on the go by just throwing a sponge in there and putting it in your pocket and just squeezing it. Squeeze it?

I'm gonna write this down, you guys. I got some research to do. We all need million dollar deals now because the arts are in trouble. Yeah, exactly. I'm gonna start inventing things. Do you guys wanna move on to some over herds? Yeah.

Hey you, yeah you with the gigapet. Me? Do you like supporting artist-owned podcasts? Totally. What about limited edition gifts, hours and hours of bonus content, and more? Sounds sweet. Then stay tuned for Max Fun Drive 2025. www.maximumfun.org on the World Wide Web, next week. Hi, I'm Alexis.

And I'm Ella. And we're the hosts of Comfort Creatures. We could spend the next 28 seconds telling you why you should listen, but instead, here's what our listeners have said about our show because really, they do know best. The show is filled with stories and poems and science and friendship and laughter and tears sometimes, but tears are from your heart being so filled up with love. A cozy show about enthusiasm for animals of all kinds, real and unreal. If you greet the dog before the person walking them, or wander around the party looking for

the host's cat, this podcast is for you. So come for the comfort and stay for Alexis' wild story about waking up to her cat giving birth on top of her. So if that sounds like your cup of tea, or coffee, although we're not all Brits, then join us every Thursday at maximum fun.org. Overheard. Overheard. Where you hear them, we want to hear them.

That's stuff you hear out in the world. Things that you've heard, things that you've seen, maybe even something hilarious that you dreamt. We accept them all here, and we always like to start with the guest, Becky, do you have an overheard? I have multiples, is that okay? Yeah, do you want to do one, we come back around to you, or do you want to do them in a row? Do you want to do two, or do you want to go back and forth,

do you want to ping pong? I don't want to make decisions, I'm not in charge. How many do you have? I have three. Okay. And they're all different categories. Why don't you do two, we'll come back around, then you do the third. Okay. So the first one I'll do.

This category is? Potpourri. This category is? Potent portable. Not funny. Okay. Non-humorous. Non-humorous.

Here we go. Non-humorous. And this was a true overheard on the SkyTrain. This was before the first time when I was supposed to come in on the way in. I was like, oh, I don't have any overheards. I've just been spending time alone in the woods. Yeah. I overheard the birds.

Yeah. I heard a tree fall in the forest. Or was it? I was gonna be like, I heard a weird bird sound. I was like, no, okay. But this was on the SkyTrain coming in. There was these kind of younger folks hanging out. I was like, no, okay. Um, but this was on the, on the, on the sky train coming in, there was these kind of younger folks hanging out and then one of them got off and before they left, they just said to their friends, this summer, we should all go dancing.

And it just really hit me. And now post last week of madness, I'm even more maudlin about that. And I just, I want to pass that message on to everybody because I do think this summer we should all go dancing. We should all go dancing. Yeah. I'm really busy. You can do a quick line dance and then be well on your way. Well, you should if you don't. You should feel guilty if you don't go.

My problem with dance clubs is they're open too late. I want a 10 a.m. dance club. Some sort of breakfast buffet. But you can dance in any environment. You can go down to the beach and dance around with your kids. Like, I just think we should go dancing. Just dancing. It doesn't have to be the clubs.

Yeah, it doesn't even have to be indoors. It could be just like you say, out at the beach. Yeah. What's the, on Dancing with the Stars, what do they say when you're knocked out? Get the fuck out of here, you. They say. You're hideous.

Sachet away. Sachet away. That's a different show. They say. You're hideous. Sashay away. Sashay away. That's a different show. That should be what they say though. Two step out the door. You're spun. You're time to break your dance. They say thank you, good night.

Thank you for being a part of the show. Thank you for your time. You did really well. I just, I Googled, I Googled dancing with the stars catchphrases and the AI overview said, even the ears must dance is a quote that may be irrelevant to the dance competition show dancing with the stars. Is that worth the water you just spent on the AI search? No, it's the good AI. Oh, it's the one that put water back in there.

It's the dry, dry AI. Also, I didn't ask to have an AI search. You gotta put minus AI at the end. It doesn't work anymore. Oh, they got rid of that in like a day? Yeah, it's all happening. It's all happening. I did see a thing where like, let's try that. Oh, maybe it does work. Never mind. You know the- Misinformation and disinformation here. You flew across the floor like a rampant crab. That's how they- Oh, that's a good sign.

That's how they make you leave? Yeah. Walk up the floor like a giant crab? Crab walk on out of here. If you know what's good for you. Do you want to do another now? Yeah, the other one is- Win us back?

So the other one from the non-funny, the other one is from the hospital. So I overheard a lot in the hospital, but I do feel like I shouldn't betray too many- Yeah, you took the Hippocratic oath. First, do no gossiping. Go on. Well, there was one lady who was asking everyone

for cheese sandwiches. That was kind of her deal. That's what the hospital's for. She also thought I worked there, even though I was in a hospital gown. So we were in a fun reality zone, but this one guy was making whooshing sounds all day long. Like whoosh, whoosh.

And I was on a lot of drugs, so I didn't know if that was real. And then as I kind of came to, I was like, no, that's real. Anyway, maybe also not very funny, but he I think was recovering from open heart surgery and this was some sort of calming breathing thing. He was making his own waves. Whoosh.

Whoosh. Maybe he was able to have somebody sleep. Yeah. Yeah. Was the doctor like, well, you're cured Mr. Winslow, we'll get you back to the police academy right away. Ha ha. Ha ha.

Choo choo. Pew pew pew. Whoosh. Whoosh. Brrr. You really dodged a bullet Mr. pew, pew, whoosh. You really dodged a bullet, Mr. Winslow. Has anybody ever been like so referenced

for one very specific thing than Michael Winslow in Police Academy? I mean, Carrot Top. I was about to say Carrot Top. But he's like, he's had a whole giant career of Carrot Top. Russell Peters for somebody gonna get him real mad. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, look, Michael Winslow's had a big career.

Yeah, Michael Winslow rules. Somebody stop me, but I guess Dream carries down other things than say somebody stop me. Yeah, that's the mask thing. Did I do that? There you go. He's a, he's such a rascal at Urkel. Urkel?

Yeah, fucking Urkel. But Stefan, ooh la la. Yeah, or Bruce Lee version that really, I don't know man. I don't remember that. Yeah, it's- It was, I don't think it was a recurring thing. No, he went, he had like a magical box. Yes, I knew about the box.

Did he have a robot? Was that a recurring thing? Urkel bot, was that him? Did he turn into that? I think it was probably. Did he have sex with it? Yeah, he met it in the back alley. Did he make a Lora bot? He made the robot and the robot was curious like is this if we... sex? Is this sex or is it masturbation? The robot was curious. Yeah, the robot was curious because it had never had sex in its consciousness. And Urkel had. And Urkel had. When did Urkel have sex?

Him and Carla went down to Daytona Beach. Now Carla, is that Laura and Carl mixed together? And that was the thing, they went through a magic box and they came out of Carla. They shoved him in the box and they kind of the flyed. Yeah, and Urkel was like, this is sort of what I always wanted. You know, I never really thought about how that box in Family Matters is kind of like the fly.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is sort of. Yeah, it is sort of body horror. It's a little bit Cronenberg. Yeah. Well, you know what? Cronenberg, keep doing your gross stuff. Yeah.

And your son too. His son also is doing gross stuff. Yeah, keep doing your gross son. Yeah. Keep making gross sons. Puff them out. Puff them out. Canada needs more gross sons.

Absolutely. Yeah. Dan Levy. Just trying to think of Canadian sons. Brian, no. Brian Mulrooney. Baby Mulrooney. Ben Mulrooney, Justin Trudeau.

All Canada's gross sons. I'm a gross son of Canada. I'm a fortunate son. Dave, do you have anyone to hurt? Sure. I was at school, in the elementary school. My kids were lined up for their classes. They have to line up and the teachers come out

and get them. Okay. But. Everybody single file. Sure. Okay. The line is a little loosey goosey, but that's kind of what school is about.

The thing you learn in school is how to line up. Yeah. Couple of kids not great at it. This one kid never wants to line up. Always is in the field playing with a soccer ball. Love this kid. If he's not in the field with a soccer ball, he's trying to kick the ball at people in line while they flinch and he gets off on it.

He's a real disruptor. Well, he's found his thing, which is good. It's hard. Some people it takes a whole lifetime to realize what that thing is. He's a tech bro in the making, the disruptor. Yeah, the disruptor. Yesterday he kicked his ball,

it bounced a couple of times and made like a little splash in a puddle and the line of kids next to the puddle kind of like flinched and were like, ugh. And he picked up his ball and went, that gave me a great idea. He's a tech bro, what's he gonna disrupt? Balls.

He was gonna make an even bigger splash. It had to be talked down. Did he really? Yeah, he was like, oh, this made a little splash and everyone kind of cringed. Maybe if I do a big splash. That's so funny, I had no clue what the other idea was. I had no clue.

I'm not the best storyteller. No, I was like, oh my gosh, like, is he gonna invent, like, is this a, like, unifying theory of the universe or equation? Or like some splash-proof garment that he is, you know, like... No, he just wants... A bigger puddle. Other people to suffer.

You got on board with this kid too early. And you wouldn't back down then. Maybe I like this kid. I'm a rabble rouser. I love it. I feel like there was always a kid like that. It was just like, just built different. Just a weirdo kid.

Every school had them. Did they lack empathy? He grew up to be Elon Musk. Yeah. Gosh, that guy. Hair plugs. Can we not? Hair plugs, weird body shaping surgery.

Come on. I can shame Elon Musk. That was very funny. I went on a real journey in that sentence. I was like, weird body shape. Oh, surgery. Oh, he made weird choices. Okay.

Yeah. Well, certainly the penile implant that exploded, we all heard about. What? Is this real? Yeah. Did Grimes tell everyone? Yeah.

Is there anything, I don't know what's real anymore at all. Well, it is. That's one of the things that is purported to be real. On him? On him. Is that his penis exploded? His penis, a penile implant malfunction. Was it his primary penis or was it a secondary

one he had had installed? It was Grok 3.0. I never heard this before. Oh, you gotta get on. You gotta beta test your penis. Yeah, you're telling me. My penis has been beta tested its whole life. Cucked?

Yeah, whatever. We're talking cucks. I don't know what direction we're going with this. Omega penis? My overheard. I don't know what direction we're going with this. Omega penis? My overhurt. It's courtesy of the ice cream store. Bunch of people in there all chatting away. And there was a girl talking to her friend.

Let's say she's like in her twenties. And she says to her friend, me, I've always thought that moles are nature's tattoos. That's lovely. Isn't that nice? Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, she's a- I'm more of a skin tag man.

You're more of a body mod kind of guy? Skin tags are more like jazz. I feel like tattoos are more- Skin tags are like gauges and spacers. Spacers. I feel like skin tags are more like, you know, like the people who get the horns put on them. Yeah. Oh, yes.

That kind of body mod. Like, I feel like skin tags are more like, you know, like the people who get the horns put on. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That kind of body mod. Yeah, yeah. I feel like, what happens after, I guess you could be a tattoo artist or something. What happens to you after you do a body mod like that? You have horns. Oh, like what?

DJ. I guess you could be DJ. Bank teller. You go on. Yeah. You can, you know what? Well, I mean, you can, technically. I remember the point at which it was like,

I'm going through airport security and my security guard has like a big Gauge piercing in their nose and like half shaved head and a tattoo on the side of their head And I was like I like this yeah, I like this I like this just for general acceptance of self-expression, but also I like that reality looks more like the fifth element now Yeah, oh yeah, I enjoyed that I enjoyed it like it's like science fiction. We I enjoy that. I enjoy that like, it's like science fiction, we've kind of self fulfilled. Yeah. And I like that.

I mean, these chefs on the show. Oh boy. Tattoo forever. Everybody, it seems like everybody on the show had a tattoo of a knife. Like different types of knives, but everybody had a tattoo. Different types are like chef knives.

All chef knives. You can switch later. Butterfly knives. A katana. Swiss army. Where's the line between knife and sword? That's interesting. Probably in the dagger range. No.

That's a gateway. Yeah. But like what's the kerpan? That's technically a knife, right? He just, Graham just stabbed himself in the right. No, like Graham just stabbed himself. Yeah, that's where it sits Oh, it's where it sits. I think stabbing himself her pan. I don't know. It's a seek. Yeah It's so sorry. I don't know all the things. What about a new knife? You know, I don't know Lou. Yeah, I have a new Lou Yeah, I love it like a Inuit. Uh-. Cutting, multi-purpose sort of cutting curved blade.

Yeah, that'd be a cool tattoo. On a wooden handle, usually. I guess every knife is multi-purpose. That's true. It slices, it dices, you can julienne fries. You can even cut a tin can with it. Dan, did you have a third one? Oh yes.

Yeah, this is one, so. Nipple, I mean. I had a mold that looked like one, but I had it removed. Anyway, it was getting in the way of my underwire. The nipple that wouldn't be. Yeah, I did one. It wasn't really a nipple.

It just was in the right spot for the other one. I overheard myself saying this, but it was in a dream. So that counts. That counts, absolutely. Because you said dream, and I was like, this is what I like. every once in a while, you know, we're comedians, like your dream writes you a good joke.

Yeah. And- Hasn't happened yet, but it way has. I've had a few. Yeah? I've had a few, yeah. Kind of sent them my way. Well, one was, I wonder if I even said this

on a previous podcast, because it happened years ago, but it was like, I overheard some greasers in an alley in a dream saying, shove it up your woman. So feel free to use that. That's pretty that's as good as any swear that you could have in the 50s. But I might have already said that on this podcast because it stuck with me. You are here pretty often. Decades, once every decade I come. But the one that came to me was I was asked to describe my own figure in a dream, and I described myself as skinny with a chance of meatballs. And I woke up and I was like, good work.

That's great. That's great. Take the rest of the night off. I mean, that's just usable. That is usable. Use that. Yeah, well. Turn it into a poem.

There you go. It's the name of my new album, Becky Johnson's Skinny with a Chance of Meatballs. Ah, shout out to you. Now, in addition to, wait, no, you have to read them, don't you? Yes, I do. We have written in overheards, if you want to send one in, send it in to sbyatmaximumfun.org.

And this first one is from Zach from Logan, Utah. Hi, Zach. Dave here. Hi, Logan, Utah. This is around Christmas time. This is a Christmas time. This is a sign out in front of a church with the marquee. The sign read, Christmas comes once a year. How do you do?

And I was like, okay, that's fine, okay. That's it. And then the next two days later I drove by and it said, I was gonna get a picture of it, and it said, Jesus can cleanse your dirty thoughts. So it says if the sign knew that it was setting up dirty thoughts in your head. Oh, that's funny. And then he-

Do you think they did it on purpose? I don't know. It's God's plan. Christmas comes once a year, what do you do? Yeah. That's also some very good writing. Yeah. Did they spell cum? Yeah, see you later.

Zero. And then they were like, dirty, dirty. Yeah, and they- You guys are dirty for thinking I meant come. Get yourself in there. Come all ye faithful, don't you know? We just didn't have enough letters. We had to spell it like that.

We didn't have an O and an E. Well, we did have a U, so we're all right. We had to use it for how do you do. There's so many Os and Us and Es. This next one comes from Brad. There's also a line in Hark the Herald Angels saying that's behold him come. There's also, yeah.

Get the bucket. This next one comes from Brad from Indiana. At my son's ninth birthday party, I heard one of his friends say to another with a condescending and matter of fact tone, you've never seen a complete episode of Law and Order SVU. Whoa. Whoa, you just got served.

Yeah. Oh, who's showing that to their kids? It's just on, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's true. Whoa. You fall asleep to one, the kid walks in the room, sees the next four. I-

Still going, show is still going. You haven't seen it, the quote was, you haven't seen a complete episode. So you only know that the- You didn't even get to the arraignment. Yeah, sure. Yeah, you don't know that there's two parts of the criminal justice system.

You just saw the law. Yeah, you saw the order, I think. I was in a motel room watching like a marathon of SVU. That's what hotel rooms are for. And they had these teasers in between episodes that kept saying, what's so special about these special victims? And I was like, no.

They're sexually based. What's special, yeah. Yeah, they're not like- What's so special about these special victims? Tune into, I was like, no. It's not like the X-Men where it's- No TBS, no. TBS, we expect more it's no TBS no

We expect more from you TBS. Just no. How did that get through marketing department? I don't how it's literally the first line of every episode This is like the this is like the I'd hit that hamburger commercial. How did this get made right? I did that hamburger Yeah, if you guys weren't watching I would This last one comes from Kate s from Brighton, England. Wait. Oh, yeah. Okay. Will you allow it? No, I just didn't. I thought you had only done one. No, I've done two. This is a guy who used to teach year two, which is six and seven years old. And we're doing body and relationship lessons. We're doing the first lesson was name your bits. So he was getting names. This is what this is called.

This is what that's called. And at one point, they were doing a cutting and sticking game where they had to match the bits to words. You got the words, you got the cutout bit. Just a cutting and sticking game. And one girl said, I've lost my vagina on the floor. Hilarious. I dropped my penis was another one.

And then boy wants to, gross, why do we have to learn all these rude words? Boy too. So you can go to the doctor and say, doctor, doctor, I've hurt my tentacles. That kid's failing. That's a fail. Yeah, that's good.

So they've cut out them and they're putting them on the, like pin the tail on the back. Pin the wang on the tail. You've got to repeat stage two class. You didn't do your stick and glue properly. Remember all those weird British words that we just heard? We were doing this, the cut and stick exercise. Yeah, cut and stick.

I can live with them. Now in addition to over-hers that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. Spypod1. Or send us a voice memo at SPY at MaximumFun.org. Because these phone calls have bad audio. Hi, David Graham, this is Andy from Brooklyn, here with an overheard.

I was walking down the street in Brooklyn the other day and I heard some teenage girls talking and one of them said, she sent a reminder of joy from inside out. She doesn't know me, I'm a bitch. Yeah, girl. Yeah. Own it. She don't know I'm a bitch.

Be a bitch. Yeah, be a bitch. Be a little bitch, you little cunt. 2025. Do you have to bleep me? I mean, we can't say it, but you know. You were making fun of the way British people talked and suddenly you're like King Brit.

You're like King Charles over there. No, I'm saying it in the other way. And the women owning their power way. Yeah. The Meredith's birth of it all. Also, that's a deep burn that you look like. You remind her of joy from- Oh, joy.

I know these phone calls lately, the fucking service, they've been sounding like shit. Was that one of those phone calls? No, no, it wasn't that it sounded. Yeah. Oh, I thought that was a voice memo. No, it wasn't that it sounded bad. I just pictured the wrong character in my head.

I pictured sadness. Oh. But they, for sure, said joy. Yeah, they said joy. I just always picture sadness because that's the fun one to picture. Sadness and also anger, I feel like are the one or two. I feel like sadness is the only one that's in my brain.

It's the only one I can picture. Anger is like- The volcano is like Louis Black. Yeah. And he looks like a little Groot. He's like a square. He's like a little square guy. Yeah. There's whimsy.

Herman's head. Irony. There's- There's the one on the swing. Herman's head. Ironies. Yeah. There's- There's the one on the swing from Herman's head. There's frickin- He was on Friends too. Same actor. Okay.

I think there is ennui in the new one. There's emo. Sure, there's goth emo. Repret. Yeah, there's nerds, jocks. There's nerd. There's the two wolves that are in you. Yeah. There's that dog in you.

And next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Drew from Ohio calling in with an overheard of the Kids Save the Darnedest Variety. My daughter is four years old and as such she's a weirdo. She's also a chocolate milk junkie. So last week I poured her a glass of chocolate milk after school and I hadn't noticed that the milk had started to turn. So she went into the living room to watch cartoons and she came back and she gave it back to me, and she said, Dad, can I please have another one?

This milk tastes like abandoned fruit. Abandoned fruit? No, put it right in. Abandoned fruit? Abandoned streets! Wow! Abandoned streets? Yeah.

Wow, that's, there's your poetry. There's real chocolate milk. Yeah, you got a little, you got a little Ginsburg there. Yeah, wow, eh? Kids there's your poetry. There's real chocolate milk. It's like abandoned streets. You got a little Ginsburg there. Yeah, wow, eh? Kids basically doing Howl. I have seen the best minds of my generation poisoned by curdled milks screaming in the night. Abandoned streets.

Yeah, wow. Now I want chocolate milk. I know, it's mentioned. I'm like, ugh. Even though it was spoiled in the mention, you were like, I want some. You know what I mean? I pictured in my head, I pictured drinking it. I never get to mention it. I'm like, ugh. Even though it was spoiled in the mention, you were like, I want some. You know what I mean? I pictured in my head, I pictured drinking it.

You pictured the good stuff first. Oh, absolutely. I, a few years ago, I remember giving my kids just regular milk. One of them, and she was like, this is too spicy. And I was like, oh God, I mean, everything's too spicy for you. Milk?

Just regular milk? I put a little bit of salt on something. It's too spicy. How is the milk spicy? It was bad. Oh, it was bad. Yeah, it was at my parents' house and they don't drink a lot of milk, I guess. I mean, I've heard kids use spicy for like bubbly water.

It's kind of spicy. I mean, it's not, you know, they're learning. They're learning. They're learning to fine tuning. God bless them. So we tried listening to another call and we could not hear it because of this. Give me a break.

Yeah. So sorry, see we- But someone did just, while we were recording, send in a voice memo. Really? And I haven't listened to it. Did they hear us ask? Maybe.

Well, I mean, they can't. We're not live. I know. Well, I don't know. I know. Dave, Graham, guest. This is Dan in Kansas City. I was just in a bathroom stall at a office building.

And the stall in this bathroom had a divider that went all the way to the floor. So you couldn't see whether someone was using the bathroom from the outside and I was in the stall Using the The toilet and Guy came in I think he thought he was alone in there. He went to the urinal and he was sort of chanting to himself. Yes. My giant cock, my giant cock, a giant cock. Anyway,

if I go. Wow. Okay. Maybe he's just doing that like the secret. You know, he's going to get out there in the world. I'm not a guy, so I guess that's unusual behavior. To be chanting at your own penis? Yes. Very unusual.

And specifically chanting that. Well. You can chant, but it would be a more normal chant. Go get him, tiger. Yeah. Let it rip. Let it rip. Let her. Wee. Four more years.

Four more years. Oh man, well this has been a delight. Yeah. I'm so glad you were able to come and be a guest. I'm so glad I'm- And you made it the whole way. Yeah, you made it through. I'm so glad I'm, seems like I'm still

on the mortal plane with y'all. You are. And it was good. You haven't missed a beat. Oh, great. That's wonderful. Do you have anything you'd like to plug? Where can people find you?

Because you do so many different things. I do a lot of different things. People can, I think, still see the movie paying for it in theaters. I have a very small part in this film. Sook-ee and Lee? Sook-ee and Lee's new movie see the movie paying for it in theaters. I have a very small part in this film. Um, but I. Sook-ee and Lee. Sook-ee and Lee's, um, new movie based on the

graphic novel by Chester Brown. It's like I said, I have a very small part, but I, a lot of friends are involved and I love this movie very much. And I think it's just rounding out. It's kind of release in Canada. It's done really well. Really, really proud of, uh, everyone's work on it.

And on March 29th, I will be in Kitchener Waterloo at the Pinch Cabaret doing performance poetry with Jamie Rosen, a collaborator of mine from Ben Gorodetsky's show in Kitchener Waterloo. Nice. Yeah. Okay, some cool things to go check out. And as we said earlier, next week is our Max Fun Drive

where we thank you for money. We have to dig deep and support the show. Yeah, you know. Get some bonus episodes, get a pin. But you know what, with us, we're getting a ton of bonus episodes. We're getting a ton of bonus episodes. And also, this week that this comes out,

I will be in Toronto at Comedy Bar, doing a show called Instagram, which is on Sunday the 16th. Sunday the 16th. And what comedy bar do you know? The new one. So it's not the Bloor Street, it's the something. Danforth.

Danforth, it's Danforth. So, you know, Becky's not gonna be there. She made a face. I live in Vancouver now. Oh yeah, that's right. I'm recovering still. Thank you everybody out there for listening and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.