Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 90 - Morgan Brayton

Episode Date: November 30, 2009

Morgan Brayton returns to talk theatre, Rainn Wilson, and hill people.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode 90 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and joining me as always is the man they call Mr. Fury, Mr. Dave Shumka. I'm really not too happy. But I got some food in me, my blood sugar's up yeah my bs is up right guys yeah seriously

you look great thanks i feel i'm furious 90 episodes yeah would you have believed it 90 episodes ago i don't know i i kind of thought we would be in mansions by now yeah and not just a basement of basement kind of a mansion. A basement of a mansion. Joining us here for her second appearance on Stop Podcasting, yourself. Not ourselves. Yourself. Very funny lady. What are all the credits?

Help me out with the rundown. 21 Jump Street. 21 Jump Street. Neon Rider. You're a performer. You're a writer. You're a performer You're a writer You're a comedian You're a producer You have, you've produced

You're a legend of the art scene Here in Vancouver Gardner Green Thumb Noted Green Thumb Miss Morgan Brayton Oh, thanks for having me. I feel like I should, because people have the wrong idea that I know how to garden,

and I don't. We shouldn't mislead people. Send all your gardening queries to Morgan at StopPodcastingYourself.com. That's a new segment where I just answer people's gardening queries, and everyone's garden fails, and then there's no more. Like, how much Dr. Pepper are your flowers getting? It could help with, whatchamacallit, global warming. Because then we wouldn't have, or would that be the opposite?

See, I don't know. I'm no good at gardening. I thought it solved global warming. Or caused more of it. You seem confused. I wasn't sure. You don't have a greenhouse and you don't know the effects of it. No.

Should we get to know us? Sure. All right. Get to know us. So, you're on the road to solving global warming. Yeah, yeah. Very close. How's Al Gore?

Handsome. Is he? Don't you think he's handsome? All right. I don't think he's Ugo. He's no John McCain. Is John McCain U't you think he's handsome? I don't think he's Ugo. He's no John McCain. Is John McCain Ugo? Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Everybody says my dad looks like John McCain. Really? I don't think that's true. Oh, I will show you. Listen. We'll post some pictures of my dad. I'm deciding now what's going on in your podcast. On the Gardner blog. There is a picture of my dad and people are always like, why is there a picture of you on your Facebook with John McCain?

So did you dress up your dad in a suit? You guys could have gone... Like a caveman that you unearthed? No. Like you guys could have gone Halloween together. He does a really horrible John McCain impression actually. Really adorable or horrible? Horrible. Because if it was adorable, you might be able to get him on Canada AM.

Yeah, no, they don't want this one. America's cutest presidential impersonators. Yeah, you'll get a family feud. Senatorial impersonators. You know, like a family feud where they have the two teams of impersonators? Yeah. That's always a sad episode. Do you know what I'm talking about?

No, I have no idea. Sometimes they'll have one side will be all whatever, like musicians. Richard Karn impersonators. The other side will be Louis Anderson impersonators. So what's new and exciting?

We were talking about you just moved into a nice place. Just moved in and my dad actually came over and lent us a hand. Aw. I know. He's so adorable, Tom Brayton. Everybody loves Tom Brayton. He lives in Shimanos.

He does live in Shimanos. Did we talk about this last time? Probably. Or do you just know a lot about my dad? Well, no. I go to your dad's blog, mccamelookalike.org. Dot garden. Dot garden.com.

Oh, yeah. He's adorable. And handy. Dot garden.com. Oh, yeah. He's adorable and handy around the house. Yeah. So was he doing little patch jobs? Well, he put weather stripping on our door. Aw. What's that? Oh, my God.

It's made a really big difference, you guys. It covers the gaps in the door so there's not a draft. I'm going to have to put weather stripping in the place. I am looking forward to it. Well, you should call Tom Brighton. He's very handy. He's right around the corner. Well, he's coming over this weekend. I'll send him your way. Just go to Home Depot and pick up one of those guys

that are hanging out. Oh, like the guys that you drive up in a truck and you're like, I got a patch of roof. Who's in? Like that? Prostitutes. I know what you're saying. Depending on what area you're driving in. No, they're called prostitutes.

Because they're like home professionals. Sure, yeah. They're wearing the orange apron only. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, right. Ew. These aren't Home Depot employees.

Oh, okay. They're just deadbeats hanging out outside. Well, that's who you want fixing things around your house. Is that where they hang out now? Is it in front of Home Depot employees. Oh, okay. They're just deadbeats hanging out outside. Well, that's who you want fixing things around your house. Is that where they hang out now is in front of Home Depot? It used to be 2nd Avenue. That used to be the hot. Oh, yeah, yeah. By the Argonaut.

I totally was imagining like Kitsilana when you said that. Yeah. Like down along your, you know, bike hits pool. The showboat. I was like, what? I don't remember that at all. You got some teenagers that are in the showboat. I like what i don't remember that at all you get some teenagers that are in the showboat i need you guys to shingle this roof i'm i'm late for rehearsal

oh dear anyways yeah so we just we just moved uh into a house that which we rent i have to be clear every time i say we moved into a house people are are like, oh, did you buy? Like, oh, have you met me? I know. People keep saying that. Now's the time. Isn't it weird when someone does buy a house and they're around your age and you know what they do for a living? And you're like, how is

this possible? I did have that recently with a friend. And then I always think, what do their partners do? That's robbed a bank probably. Maybe. How many, do you think that you could rob a bank and

turn that into some kind of legitimate... Yeah, stop robbing banks and go straight. Yeah, yeah. This is my big score. Say you just rob a bank. You just go for one big score. One last score, but it's also your first score. It is my big score. Say you just rob a bank. You just go for one big score. One last score, but it's also your first score. It's a huge score.

You just time it right. Dumb luck. Do you think that you could buy a house and then just parlay that, then start flipping houses? I'm no real estate agent. Then rob a bank to make up for it. Would you have to pay cash for the house? Well, this is what I'm saying. I think when you hand over $600,000 in cash, suspicions are raised. Especially if it's got that paint on it. That's right.

And if you have the paint all over you. You just go straight from the bank robbery to a house, to an open house. To an open house. First open house you see. I'll buy it. Sure thing. I'm going straight. Sure thing, former President Reagan.

Oh, dear. That is some good visualization. So, what else is going on? What are you working on right now? Are you working on a show or a play? I'm working on, I'm doing a spot on The Debaters, which we'll have been on by the time,

we have a quick turnaround on these, he's fast. This will be out after. No, no, no, no, this will be out first. This will be out before, yeah, because it's December 7th. Well, then I can't talk about it.

All right. Yeah, so I'm getting ready for the debaters. Yeah. And what else am I doing? Well, I just applied to a bunch of festivals, and I'm hoping to get in with a new show I'm working on, a new one-person sketch character collection. Your last one was, was it, what was the name of it?

I forget what it was called. It's called Girls Like Me. Girls Like Me. I was going to say it's Funny Like Me, but Girls Like Me. No, but thank you. That'll be the name of it i forget what it's called girls like girls like me i was gonna say it's funny like me but girls like me no but that thank you that that'll be the name of my next show funny like me there you go thank you i've been thinking i've been looking for a name i was like boys like me no funny like me really yeah yeah so so yeah it would be like it would be similar in theme to the last one well there that's the catch with my stuff is there is really no theme

because I'm not good with the narrative through lines. I just am like, yeah, Dave doesn't care for them either. I just want to see a bunch of funny things. I don't want to learn anything. But see, you are known in that. That's the thing where people are like, what's your show about? And that's when people are programming things. And in terms of marketing shows, they want a show about or a show where I play all these characters who are connected by blank.

And I don't have that. You know how there's Off-Broadway and Off-Off-Broadway? Is there a fringe of the Fringe Festival? Yeah, there is. there's something like that and i can't remember oh no wait i'm thinking of uh no no you're making a face like i was gonna make a joke but i wasn't i was thinking of music west oh and music waste yeah and kanye west and kanye waste and kande nast West and Condé West. And Condé Nast. No, the Fringe is... You can't really get more Fringe than the Fringe.

Well, you can, because apparently they all have a theme. Oh, what? At the Fringe? Yeah. What's the worst Fringe show you've ever seen? Without saying the name, what was the worst? Because you've been to a lot of Fringe shows. Should we clarify this for your listeners? Because I thought that people understood how the Fringe Festival worked.

And then I had an argument with somebody who was trying to tell me that that was a ridiculous concept for a festival and it didn't make any sense. But the Fringe Festival is unduried, entirely unduried. It's drawn by a lottery. So you put in your application and it's a lottery. So basically, Grandpa, your dog, could do a show if he had the money. He did one last year. It was very well received.

He humped a horse for like 20 minutes. Standing ovation every night. I would pay money to see that. But it had a through line. It was about something. It was about passion and the dangers of...

Grandpa is so much more talented than I will ever be so anyways yeah it's all just a lottery system yeah so really anybody can do anything if you have the application fee

and you get picked in the lottery you can do a show and so sometimes so could you have like a pie eating contest or does it have to be a play it can be whatever you want really wow a pie eating contest or does it have to be a play? It can be whatever you want, really. Wow.

So. Pie eating contest. Play eating contest. You have to get the applications for Vancouver are due on Friday. Guys, get it together. This Friday? Yeah. Oh, yikes.

Yeah, we're not getting it together. Maybe if it was next Friday. Or the Friday after next. And then we would do a live version of Friday after next. I'd play Ice Cube. I don't know who else is in it. Redman? I'd play Medea.

Again, I'd pay money to see that. So, yeah. So, you can see totally brilliant stuff that wouldn't normally get funded or, you know, emerging performers who aren't in the big time shows or whatever. Right. And you can also see a lot of really crappy stuff. Like, I've been to the Fringe Festival. I've gone to at least one show every year.

Most of the stuff I've seen has been pretty good. But there's some notable exceptions in the craptacular realm. Is every Fringe Festival like this? Yes. Not the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Yes. Yeah, there's no jury. You just, like, it's all, like, same thing.

You put in, they tell you, yeah, you have this slot, you pay for everything. People in Edinburgh usually go broke to the tune of $20,000 or so. But if you're really successful, then somebody from the West End in London will put you on their stage. Well, Edinburgh's a little bit different, though. I mean, it's a bit of a different animal.

It's not going to cost you thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars to do, you know, Winnipeg Fringe or Saskatoon Fringe. What if it did, though? What if you put all that money in the Winnipeg Fringe and nobody came and saw it then you would be stupid oh okay yeah um does that sound like a good idea for a fringe show what i just there you go see see again you have a concept for a show me i just play a bunch of

silly people anyhow i saw your show though it was was great. Well, thank you. But this is, I think that, I don't know. It's the whole thing where it used to be enough. In my day, you could just get up on stage and be silly

and make people laugh. But now, you gotta have a throw line. You gotta have, I don't know, nothing's longer than five seconds. I don't know,

whatever the hell it is. I'd see that play. See? A five-second play. Again? Now, you were about to ask us what our least favorite or the worst fringe shows we've ever Oh, Graham was asking that, yeah. Yeah.

What is the worst? Because you seem like you've seen a lot of terrible fringe shows. I'm trying to think of. I don't know if I've seen a lot of terrible fringe shows, but I definitely have seen terrible fringe shows. I saw one that was a one woman show i don't even think it was here in vancouver i think it was in calgary right and it was it was one of those things where i think like the whole thing was about her having her period or

something like it was something like that but she wasn't i love that you went through the brochure you were flipping through the brochure and you were like, a one-woman show. This must be about her having her men's seats. No, it was because she kept talking about like... How did you end up there? That's my question. Well, because I had a mega pass. It was called a visit from Aunt Flo.

It was called the Red Something Something. Look who's coming to tampon. But yeah, i was like uh my friend i gave me a super pass so you just walk into whatever show and then scarlet leotard scarlet leotard yeah that's what you weren't there it was his show and then i saw saw one year where it was ladies in an apartment downtown. And they had their periods. Yeah, I think they were on their rags. I think that's what it was called. Rags.

Yeah. Rags in the city. It was like rent. Rent, but with... 525,600 ovums. I don't know. I was wondering how you were going to finish that. Nice.

Nicely done. But yeah, I don't know. I was wondering how you were going to finish that. Nice. Nicely done. But yeah, I don't... Maybe I didn't go to the Fringe this year. I didn't go... No. No, I didn't. I didn't go to any. Did you go this year? I was what? Justified. You've been scarred.

I did not see anything this year because we were getting ready to move. That was my excuse, too. Yeah. Otherwise, you're a big theater goer. You hate theater. The previous 27 fringes I also missed because I would be moving this year. What is it about theater that you hate the most?

I love that you can say that, though. It's like saying, I hate movies. Or I hate. I have no occasion to go to theater. But I've heard you say the phrase, I hate movies. I have no occasion to go to theater. But I've heard you say the phrase, I hate theater. Ugh, theater. Everyone's pretending, and the audience even has to pretend like we don't know you're a pretending. But what's the difference between that and movies?

Because that's the exact same thing, but they're not there. Well, no, because awesome stuff happens in movies. Okay, okay. You know, but they're not there. Well, no, because awesome stuff happens in movies. Okay, okay. You know, there's like external action. Okay, all right. No one's overcoming anything internal. What about that movie you saw about that lady who had her period? That Sandra Bullock movie you were watching last week.

Yeah, Dr. T and the Women with Their Periods. You're a big theater fan, right? Oh, God. Sorry. I don't know if I would say I'm a big theater fan. I do enjoy theater. I don't go to that much theater, but I do enjoy theater. There's not a lot of Vancouver, is there?

Am I wrong about that? I think that you're somewhat wrong. I think you're wrong about that, too. I feel like I'm being drowning in too. I feel like I'm being... You feel like you're being inundated? ...drowning in theater, yeah. Really? I don't feel that way at all. I don't think...

It's not like a huge theater... I mean, there's more of an independent theater scene now that... Would you say there's more theater in New York? I think I'm going to go out on a limb and say yes. All right. But, you know, I mean, every town, like anything, like whatever town, is more of a comedy town. Oh, we're more of a rain town. Yes.

We're more of a being soaked everyday town. We're in the middle of a deluge of rain. I feel like this whole, every episode of this podcast now is just talking about rain and moving. Well, we talked about Rainn Wilson last week. Did that count? Yeah. And how much we love him. I'm so close to unfollowing him on Twitter.

Oh, I unfollowed him a long time ago. I just don't read them anymore. Is he Planet Donut or whatever it's called? Pancake Junction? Soul Pancake. Soul Pancake, yeah. Yeah.

What did you call it? Planet Donut. Planet Donut. And you called it Pancake Junction? Yeah. Can I use that for my show? Yeah. Can I use that for my breakfast restaurant?

Pancake Junction. Let's open our breakfast restaurant. Yeah. Oh, if it was the 90s, we would call it The Nook. But it's not the 90s anymore. So you're right. Pancake Junction. The Cranny.

Only English muffins. Yeah. And it's only served in a tiny individual breakfast nooks. Sure. Like it's a restaurant where you can't sit with people. Nooks and crannies. I love it. Yeah.

Nooks and crannies. It's going to be a big place. The overhead's going to be high, but it's going to be worth it. Have you guys been to the Dutch Panacoke House? Yes. Is it overrated? Yes. I've never heard it rated.

Let me give you a rating on it. Terrible. Yeah, there's another one on Canby Street called the Wooden Jew, and it's great. Oh, really? Yeah, the Dutch is like if you went to Arby's, but it's like the Arby's of Pannenkoek. That's what I would say. Pannenkoek is a giant pancake, right? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Yeah, it's like a crepe, basically. Yeah. Except Dutch. Sure. And like really the Dutchness is shoved in your face. Yeah, and a lot of powdered sugar. Yeah, a lot of powdered sugar, lots of clogged decorations.

Oh, yeah. Windmills. Two lunch. Pancho Villa. Doobies. Yeah, a lot of powdered sugar. Lots of clogged decorations. Oh, yeah. Windmills. Too much. Pancho Villa. Doobies. Yeah, doobies. Assisted suicide. All the things that make the Dutch.

Paying for a meal with the girl you went with. Yeah. That's the rule at the Dutch. Yeah. You always get separate bills. And if you go by yourself, they hook you up with somebody else who's by themselves, and then the rule at the Dutch. Yeah. You always get separate bills. And if you go by yourself they hook

up with somebody else who's by themselves and you guys split the tag. Yeah. If you're the only one in the restaurant they will split it

with you at the restaurant. So you get half off It's a good deal. Yeah. Yeah. Is that an international chain?

For any of the listeners out there the Dutch is like it's a pancake house but they're not you don't go in and get a stack of pancakes. Not international house of pancakes. Right. it's a pancake house, but they're not, you don't go in and get a stack of hotcakes.

Not international house of pancakes. Right. It's a one nation. That's how it's pronounced in Dutch land. It's one nation under pancake. It's Holland, the Netherlands, the Dutch. Pan and cough. You can do toast and coffee or greasy eggs and bacon, or you do to dutch and taste the fine stuff we're

making oh is that their thing do the dutch dutch all right panic coke house um that's catchy did i ever tell you about when uh my friend's brother uh was in korea when they first ihop opened in korea and it was like this star-studded affair. All these people showed up in their tuxedos. Because pancakes with whipped cream on it. Nobody had ever thought of that over there. I think you meant it was like a Planet Hollywood thing that all kinds of stars were investing in.

Oh, really? And there's like all celebrity memorabilia on the wall? They all signed their pancakes. Did you ever go to a Planet Hollywood? I did. I went to... There was one in Vancouver. No, not on the wall. They all signed their pancakes. Did you ever go to a Planet Hollywood? I did. I went to... There was one in Vancouver. No, not the Planet Hollywood.

Yeah, there was one. No, I didn't go to Planet Hollywood. I went to... Sorry, there's a strange noise coming from the other side of the door. Sorry about my dog. It'll be okay. We love your dog. No, I'm thinking I went to...

Which movie was it? Hard Rock. Not quite the same in tone Would they be? No, Hard Rocks have managed to last Yeah I saw Chyna Phillips at Hard Rock Cafe in LA I'm just saying Was she witnessing her sister have sex with her dad?

Oh, no She didn't mention it Was she trying to hold on to it one no. Too much. She didn't mention it. She didn't. Was she trying to hold on to it one more day? Of course, you didn't bring it up. You didn't know at the time, but now you would bring it up. Who was involved? When I look back, I think she was harboring a secret about her sister.

I could see it in her face now. I didn't know what it was at the time. Yeah. Yeah, she wasn't enjoying her curly fries like she usually would. No. I understand. Well, we were all standing in line't enjoying her curly fries like she usually would. No. I understand. Well, we were all standing in line, and she got to go right in. Oh.

So, okay. Hard Rock Cafe. Basically just a bar with guitars on the wall. And half a car sticking out the front. That lets you know that it's extreme? Well, yeah, that someone has driven a 50s cadillac off a ramp or from outer space it was re-entering the atmosphere like he was going around the girls are easy yes yes that's what most of the hard rock cafe was based on was that movie a lot of the menu items were

that character that jeff goldblum played the fly, wasn't he in Earth, Girls, or Easy? Yes. I always get Earth, Girls, or Easy and the Nicolas Cage vampire movie. Wait, Valley Girl. No. Vampire Kiss. Twice First Bitten. No, Vampire Kiss. No, wasn't it called First Bite? Frosh Week?

What was I thinking? No. Twice Bitten. First. Once Bitten. Thirst. What's the expression? Once Bitten, Twice Bitten? No. Twice bitten. First. Once bitten. Thirst. What's the expression? Once bitten, twice shy?

Flacula. Yeah. Once in the bush, twice you got bitten. Pretty sure he was in that too. I think I actually did Mean Valley Girl. She landed Hollywood. That was who? Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Bruce Willis. Demi Moore. Sliced alone. Sorry. Has Demi Moore gone nuts? Yes. Oh, God. Well, she married Punk'd.

Well, I know. She married that guy. But that's kind of a score for her. Yeah. Do you think so? Is he? He's hunky. Oh, okay.

He's hunky. But he's an idiot. Cougar, Cougy. But she does look good, though. You gotta admit. I know. I think she might have hired a personal trainer. What?

She's gonna find out. I just heard she cut out pasta. Whole grains. Yeah, that's what I read in Chatelaine. Whole grains. No more pasta for Demi. She's married. She's basically married to a teenager, though, because he doesn't have the adult.

He's not an adult. He's America's teenager. He's an adult now? He's an adult now? He doesn't act like an adult. He doesn't have to when you're that handsome like that. You can do whatever you want. Is that what the world's like for the uber good looking?

Well let me tell you a lot of doors do open up for us. I get away with a lot more punkins than... What if a show for kids was called Punkins? Let's sell it. Okay, speaking of which, there's... Sorry, I'm all over the place. I'm sorry.

Are you saying that Punk'd isn't for kids? No, for little kids, like elementary school. There is. That show, Prank Patrol, I elementary school. But there is. That show, Prank Patrol, I've auditioned for it. What? Yes.

Go on. We were talking with Steve Patterson, our guest last week, about Just for Laughs gags. We talked to... My dad's favorite show. Tom Brayton's favorite show. Bring it back around

to Tom Brayton again. Tom Brayton thinks. He's like, oh, I just laugh and I laugh and I laugh. And I was like, what? Your dad plays in an Oompa band as well. So it's double for him.

He's like, the tuba music is great. I get to laugh a lot. I hate French people. I've got that gorilla costume hanging in my closet. You auditioned for a prank show? Yeah, which is a weird thing to do, right? What do they do in the audition? They're like, here's a whoopee cushion

Prank us You walk through this door And a bucket of water falls on you No, not to be I think the audition to be the mark As they call it We liked how that bucket fell on your head Very convincing

You have a very natural surprise. You're going to have to do it again for the execs, but we think you got the pipe. It didn't go that well. So what did you have to... Well, because they need people to be the convincing others that convince you that everything's okay. And then you got a bucket on your head. Wait, was this Buckethead's prank show? Thank you.

Did you say thank you? Thank you. So, yeah, you have like a basic script. So I was, I don't know, a hotel. I ran a hotel or something and then wacky things happened in the hotel. And so I had to, you know, uh,

go back and say normal things while everything was kind of going crazy. I, uh, I didn't get it. I'm sure this wasn't an episode of the sweet life. It's Zach and Cody. Wish my career is not going that well. I,

uh, remember watching like an updated version of what was it called it's called candid camera right like the original original show is called yeah and they did an updated version funk fun fun right it was with his son and suzanne summers where the host also like he isn't wasn't he like Alan Funt Jr. or something? Peter Funt, I think. I have no idea. But he anyways. He was Peter Funk. Yeah, Peter Funk. They had this one prank that was maximum effort on their part for minimum response.

Because what it was, was they hooked it up with an airline, right? Where these people flew from, like, wherever they were. I think they were in Hawaii. And they flew from somewhere. And then at the connecting airport, they set up the lounge that they walked into to look exactly like the one they left. But people were flying for, like, six or seven hours. So when they got off, like, I think one in 20 noticed that it was similar. So then they got off, like I think one in 20 noticed that it was similar.

So then they're like, we decided to amp it up a bit. So then everybody was getting like those like lays as they went off. And then, but even at that, people were like,

how unusual. Whatever. Yeah. Like it was, nobody was like, whoa, get me out of here. Cause that's what you want,

right? Yeah. I think maybe one lady was, but I think she was a plant. Like what you were auditioning for. See? She did a good fake surprise. Exactly. Well, that's why Ashton had to come along and, you know, raise the bar.

Yeah. He's this generation's Peter Funt. Yeah. Or Suzanne Somers. Oh, Demi Moore is this generation's Suzanne Somers. No? Back to Planet Hollywood. Did you ever eat at Planet Hollywood?

Yeah, they had great burgers. Did they? I don't know. I imagine they had curly fries. Yeah, I did eat there. Once, twice. Is it done now? Oh, yeah.

Wasn't there also a sports themed one there was a hard rock no but like a sports like a bunch of athletes got together it was called the pro stars it was Bo Jackson, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan yeah and they opened up a thing it was all cereal that's all you could order on the menu

did you see you just made me think of it in terms of sports because I don't really follow sports but I did watch online for some reason what the hell is it called

Blades of something it's a CBC show Battle of the Blades Battle of the Blades oh my god the cutting edge for anybody who's an American listener

Battle of the Blades is like dancing with the stars with people that you don't know on ice. Except it's hockey player dudes. Are they all former? I thought they were like current.

We have a hockey season going on right now. Yeah, you'd have a hard time explaining to your teammates. I'm taking some time out to do that. But they had guys in the locker room wishing them well. Oh, it's very confusing for me. What? I don't understand how television works.

Okay, so it's former, I stand corrected, hockey dudes and former skating ladies. Actually, they're still current skating ladies because you can't lose that. No. Well, no, but they've gone on to like, They've been put out to pasture in the ice capades. For sure. Are ice capades still around? Is that still a thing a kid would go to? There's Disney on ice, that's for sure.

Oh, Disney on ice. There's ice capades. I know somebody who was in the ice capades. Really? Yeah. As like, that was their job? Yeah. No, it was an internship.

I interned with the ice capades. That's on your resume for Battle of the Blades. What have you been doing for the last 10 years? So you watched Battle of the Blades. We cheated. We just only watched the last episode to see who won. And it was, who was it? I was impressed by them.

I think Claude Lemieux and Jamie Salé. It was Jamie, yes. And they were good. They were really good. You think maybe they'll make a McCain's commercial together? They did that in the States. They had... Dave Coulier was on it, I remember.

Yeah, yeah. And what's-her-face, Christy Swanson and Lloyd Bresser. They started hooking up, and then Lloyd Bresser left his wife for her. Really? Yeah. Well, she was the Buffy Vampire Slayer, right? She was the Buffy Vampire Slayer. She was saucy. he started hooking up and then Lloyd Brasseur left his wife for her really? well she was the Buffy vampire slayer she was the Buffy vampire slayer she was the buffest she had the good line in Ferris Bueller's Day Off

which one's that? I can't recite it but she said that Ferris Bueller wasn't in class basically my best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother oh yeah yeah he was this kid who was going with a girl who saw Ferris Bueller wasn't in class, basically. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this guy, he knows this kid, is going with a girl who saw Ferris Bueller. That's out of 31 flavors last night.

I liked her when she chunked out a little. Okay. I thought she was cute when everyone was like, oh, she's so fat. But I thought she looked cute. Christy Swanson? Yeah. I saw her in a movie on the weekend that I think maybe is the worst action movie that I've ever seen. Oh.

It's called The Phantom. And have you ever seen it? I hadn't, but it's terrible. Now, Graham, it seems like you were coming to a point about Planet Hollywood. Yeah, I feel like I was, but then it got derailed. Then I was like, let's

talk about figure skating. I apologize. No, you got derailed. I'm a former figure skater. I try to bring it back to figure skating wherever possible. How was your sow cow? Pretty good. I don't think you're to bring it back to figure skating wherever possible. How was your sow cow? Pretty good. Not anymore. I don't think you're pronouncing it right. Yes, he is.

Sow cow? I know. It sounds like it shouldn't be right. But it is. Triple sow cow. There's an L in there? No. I thought you said sow cow.

Sow cow. S-O-W-C-O-W? Yeah, like wow cow, except not. Oh my God, I apologize to the listener. About what? My misspelling. That's alright. Dave, what's going on with you? I just realized...

You just opened a plan at Hollywood. Yeah, I just opened a plan at Hollywood with a few of my celebrity friends. I've applied for an internship. Brian Posehn and Danny DeVito. Carrie Ann Moss. Jason Priestley and Dave Schumke. Billy D. Williams.

I've been wondering what he's up to. Sports memorabilia collector Todd McFarlane. Poker champ Rick Vachon. I don't know. Andy Melanakis. Oh, Chris Moneymaker. Yeah. champ rick vachon i don't know andy melanocus oh a chris moneymaker yeah um and um you know one of those wrestlers chris benoit thank you right the inventor of the anal balls um guys let's get serious i just realized that we are approaching the end of a decade.

And I only realized this. Like, usually you would notice, oh, it's the years 2000. Oh, that's right. It's 1989. It's the end of the 80s. It's the end of the zeros. Of the aughts. Yeah.

Yeah. And, you know, Time Magazine ran an article online today that said, was the 2000s the worst decade in memory? And I was thinking about it, and I was like, all in all, it wasn't a great decade. I think we can admit that. But they were saying outside of a decade that had a major war, like a world conflict, was it one of the worst? Yeah, but we had two almost depressions bookending it at the beginning of the decade and at the end of the worst yeah but we had two almost depressions uh book ending it at the beginning

of the decade at the end of the decade and then there's the whole terrorism all going on and uh they just said in general was it that and they made a pretty convincing argument i didn't think of it that way until i read that article now i'm like maybe the aughts were terrible. Because they weren't great, that's for sure. Yeah, but neither were the 90s. No, but the 90s gave us almost live hammer pants. With your back. Raves.

We should come up with a list of like everyone's doing, I only noticed that this was the end of a decade. End of an era if you think about it. Because people were like all these publications are coming out with their top 10 things of this

decade. Top 10 movies. We should come up with our bottom 10. Like the worst things. Oh yeah. That's a good one. Like all kinds of things. So just in general,

the worst things? Like, I would say 9-11 might be on that list. Oh, you mean just like a wide swath? Yeah.

So like, of all the things. Well, I would say the recession was pretty horrible for everybody involved. What year did Shaggy put out It Wasn't Me?

That, I think, was in the 90s. I don't think that was in the aughts. Okay. But if it is, it qualifies, I think, was in the 90s. I don't think that was in the aughts. But if it is, it qualifies. I think, well, just the fact that Shaggy is still with us

through the aughts, that counts as something. No, he's passed. Oh, no. What about Criss Angel Mind Freak? That was in the aughts. Is that worse than... Well, it's worse than a lot of things um well it's worse than a lot of things but it's better than a lot of things it's hard when you start with 9-11 it's hard to really i would put him

close like if it was a scale where 9-11 was one of the worst yeah and then on the best okay what would be on the best side like what would you say would be a highlight the best of the worst like one of the highlights of the aughts would maybe be something like 30 Rock, because it's a great show. So you say that's a great thing. The British office. Obama. Obama, yes. So we've got that.

Although Obama is starting to slip a bit. Oh, but that's not what I'm saying, though. Regardless of what you're saying now, the whole situation. Sure. You haven't been to my house since we got the Obama blanket. No. We have an Obama fleece blanket. Does it say hope?

Does it say sleep? Does it say nap? No, it's a bunch of pictures of Obama, and it has the kind of presidential seal and stuff. It's like a quilt? No, it's like fleecy. Polary fleece. Oh, okay. We were at an outlet mall in Bellingham. Oh, so this is a classy product

that you bought. It was at a fabric store. We were walking past and I totally did a double take and was like shut up. I can make shirts out of this. I was like, we have to go in and find out how much that is. My favorite Obama... Nobody's getting it for Christmas this year. Memorabilia that I've seen is James Donison, who I work with,

had a shirt, a t-shirt that he was wearing that combined three unrelated elements. It was the Muhammad Ali body from when he knocked out Joe Frazier with Obama's face and the words, Mama said knock you out. Oh, nice.

A flawless construction of those three genres. One of my bosses has Obama pajamas. Oh, yeah. Those were really popular after he... And then there was also the audacity of soap. That was the soap on a rope. And the Chia Obama. Chia head, yes.

I like that. But, okay. So, like, I would put Criss Angel closer to the Chia Obama. Yeah. I like that. I would put Chris Angel closer to the 9-11. Certainly, on the scale. I don't know if he's in the top 10 worst things. No. I put him at least at number 10. Prove me wrong.

There are people who... I know somebody who loves him. Yeah, exactly. No one really loves 9-11 except I can think of a few Middle Eastern countries Who are fond of it And you know I think The American president at the time

Who got to use it as a justification For his war in the Middle East He seemed pretty fond of it Don't you think? You're so lefty. Yeah, but on the one hand, I'm lefty, but on the other hand, I'm for the death penalty when we talk about

Criss Angel. I don't know. He'd escape, though. He would. He'd find his way out. What about Dog the Bounty Hunter? Or Gene Simmons, the resurgence of Gene Simmons. But I was on board with Gene in the beginning. I thought that was kind of fun and kitschy, and now I just fucking hate him.

I'm saying Johnny Cates. He's one of the worst. Johnny Cates. How about the Gene Simmons sex tape? There was a sex tape? He's got a small wiener. I think I knew that and blocked it out. He keeps his shirt on.

Yeah. So actually, maybe it makes... I wish he'd just keep everything on. I don't... And the makeup, too. I wish... That's what I thought the show was going to be, that he was going to be in the makeup all the time.

Like, that he was going to be playing that demon character, having a suburban life. The demon character. Yeah, from that 70s show. The character doesn't have a lot of depth as a character. He had his own fringe show. But it was mostly just unrelated vignettes.

It was just him for an hour putting on the makeup. Sort of a performance art piece. Yeah, so those are all terrible things. What else? Okay. Okay, come on. Let's think. Let's really put our brain caps on here.

What happened? Y2K. Remember when that destroyed everything? But does that count? Because that was really like 1999 that we were freaking out about it. And also it didn't happen. Oh, right.

I forgot about that part. Well, there was that. That was a disappointment, wasn't it? Moving. I moved. This isn't about you, Dave. I was going to say, I was going to say,

I'm going to turn 40. So this whole like end of... You're going to turn 40? I'm going to turn... This is the year I turn 40? This is the year I turn 40. You don't look. Lordy, lordy. Before the new year? No.

Okay. That's true, I guess. How about turning 30? Turning 30 was great. Yeah? I can't help you with this. I can't believe you're 40. Thank you.

You don't look at all. Not even close. Thank goodness it's radio. People might write in and disagree. No, there's photos of you online that would prove my point. Yeah, we showed you last time. You should be in grade 9. So yeah, that was good.

That helps my case. Now I'm running a blank because now I can't think of between 2000 and 2005. What happened in that chunk? I can't remember what I did during that time, let alone world events. That's bad news. But yeah, we should work on that. Did you hear, speaking of horrible things, did you hear that Oprah's not doing her favorite things? Yes, I did.

This year? No favorite things. Someone posted that on our forum. I can never afford her favorite things anyhow. I find her favorite things make me angry. You can afford a box of the snacks that she likes. Should we do a quick round of favorite things in her honor? Play the theme song.

Favorite things. Favorite things. Favorite things. Favorite things. Favorite things. that's my favorite thing favorite things um we've done this in the past like oprah's favorite things we talk about our favorite things in the world, but we've now combined it with our hat full of ages. And Morgan, during the break, has picked age 31. Yes. At 31, what were your favorite things when you were 31? Eight years ago. 2001. You don't need to bring that up again.

You're roughly 39. And I see that. You don't need to bring that up again. You're roughly 39. And I mean roughly. Roughly is right. Let's see. 31. Okay. I know probably Joico Ice because it was the spiky

haired era. It was the sort of messy, bedhead- was the spiky haired era. It was the sort of messy, bedhead-y, spiky haired and you needed a lot of product to keep your hair. Joico Ice hair gel or hair glue? Yeah, it was like a hair glue. I had a lot of hair products. Yeah, different pastes and things like that. A modeling clay.

Exactly. Weather stripping. I was really a lot about the hair products in 19, when I was 31. When I was 31. Anything else? That wasn't good. That was it? No, that was great.

Oh, God. You just plucked that out of thin air. That was good. That's the first thing that came to my mind was my hair. Out of thin hair. Because I had this hairdo that my partner at the time, just before I met my partner at the time, I had this hair. And then she called it my Martha hair and said, if you'd had that hair when I met you, I totally would not have dated you. Like Martha Stewart?

No, just like I looked like somebody named Martha. Like I had, I don't know. I don't think I look like Martha hair, but she thought it was really bad hair. What does a girl like Martha look like? How do you solve a riddle like Martha? Last night I was at a show and there was a really mouthy girl in the audience. Was her name Martha? No, Taz brought her up on

stage because we did a bit where I had quit the show and then I had to come back and do the show because I wasn't getting EI because I quit. So he hired a replacement and he got this loud mouth out of the audience and she said her name was Bertha. Oh, Bertha? Or E. Partha Patterson?

What's she's name? Esopatha? Is that right? Was she trying to be funny saying her name is Bertha? I think so. I fucking hate that. I told her. Nobody likes that. I told her it was a good name for a three wood.

For what? A three wood. And she didn't get it. I don't get it either. I think I'm okay with that. It's fine. No, but when people do that. If your name was Bertha, you would have heard that joke before.

Yes. And here's the thing. When people are being loudmouths at a show, and then they've called attention to themselves, then you ask them a question, and you're like, okay, well, what do you do for a living? And they go, I'm a laser technician or something like that. It makes me so mad. Unless they were a laser technician. Like a laser hair removal technician? Well, no Unless they were a laser technician. Like a laser hair removal technician?

Well, no, they just said laser technician. I'm like, what are you from a James Bond movie? Oh, this is something actually happening. They probably were like, oh, actually I help treat skin cancer. And then I would have felt like shit. I thought you maybe had a laser hair removal connection for me. I was, really? And where does it work?

Can you give me a discount? It was a totally different thing. Why does laser hair removal work? Does it catch the hair on fire? Is that how it works? Does it burn the pores so that nothing no more may grow no more? Yeah, it does. It uses

light and it zaps the hair and it... Laser is a acronym. It's an anagram. It's a palindrome. It's a palindrome. Laser Resell.

I don't know what it stands for, though. Really? It's scuba life. It is. It's not actually just a word. But L is definitely life. They wear glasses. You've got to wear glasses

when they do it. Are you going to Kanye West's laser clinic? But I don't understand how a laser I don't understand how a laser can do a lot of things, but I really don't understand how a laser can get rid of hair. Oh, I can definitely understand how it can... It can see how it would burn it off, but couldn't you just do that with a Bic

lighter? Because it destroys the follicle. It destroys it into the root. It's concentrated energy, unlike the lighter that you would be using, which would spread out all over your arm and mostly just set your... No, I know the difference between a Bic lighter and a laser. Okay. Surely. But how does it... I don't understand why it's.

Graham, I do know the answer. Is it because it rhymes with laser? Yeah. And razor. Sure. Is that why? I think it might just be like an Asian stereotype not being able to pronounce their R's. Oh, no.

Long, thoughtful pause. Should we get to know you? Oh, do we have to outro out of the favorite things? No, we just, it was seamless. It's all over the map tonight. It is. I'm sorry, I'm screwing up your flow.

Oh, you are the flow. That was the name of the show i saw at the french restaurant you are you are the flow that's what it was we are the flow we are the children oh um no nothing's going on you know i'm uh i moved again this past weekend moving in the raining. Yeah. Was it rainy? It was the worst. It was the worst. And you know that song about rain in November? I can't remember what it's called. But it's true. It's hard to hold a candle. When he says nothing lasts forever, he wasn't talking about this November rain.

He was talking about some other, maybe Southern California November rain. This is the worst place on the planet. And I've always... Yeah. You hear that, Haiti? You just got trumped. They always say that homeless people move from other parts of Canada to come here in the winter. But this is the worst place in the world.

But it's, as I said... Have you been to Winnipeg in the winter? No. Well, I've been to the Fringe Fest. When's that? That's in the summer, so that's your theory. Because you've been to Winnipeg in the winter, right? I have been to Winnipeg in the winter.

That's a pretty tough... That's a dry cold. We've got a wet cold. It's a windy cold. It blows it in your face. It wasn't windy when I was there. Oh, you in your face. It wasn't windy when I was there. Oh, you're lying. Then you weren't there. I was there.

No, I was. I was there. And it was not that windy. I walked around. And I thought, I'm walking around. It's not so bad. But it was very snowy and cold. El Nino.

Am I right? Guys? Guys? Okay. No? I don't know. I guess weather talk is really really boring no but here it's true that it's well it is boring but it's true that we have this conversation every single

year in vancouver that we every single year we complain and we complain and then we're like the rain goes away and vancouver is the most beautiful place on the planet and we told it we said rain rain go away and then but we added beautiful place on the planet. And we told it. We said, rain, rain, go away. But we added that last caveat which was come against another day. Now they're cashing their chips. The rain babies. Is there a third lyric?

If you don't, I don't care. Do not pay until July. If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear. Take that, rain. Maybe at your school they said that. Do you think that Rain Wilson got that a lot when he was at school? And that's why he started Soul Donuts?

Do you want to move on to Overheard? Sure. Yay! Overheard! Are you braiding your hair? I was going to braid my hair. I don't know why. Because I was boring. Girls are fun.

No, you're not boring. Girls are fun because they braid hair, and they like braiding hair. And if you're a gentleman that has long hair, they will braid your hair. Yeah, that's not fun. Is that why you're growing your beard? Yeah, I don't want people to... Can I braid your beard? Yes, you can.

Can I dread your beard? Yes, you can. Can I dread your beard? Have you seen pictures of Brad Pitt lately with his beard with beads in it? That's his kid's gut in there. That's what happened there, I bet. Your beard of beads. That didn't deserve that big of a laugh. Yes, it did. Brad Pitt.

Okay, gentlemen of the world, let's unite and decide that putting beads and trinkets in your beard, unless your name has the following names in it. Captain Lou Albano. Jack Sparrow also exempt. Also a captain. If you're a captain, but not an airline pilot captain. That would make you get right off the plane, wouldn't it? What if a guy walked on and he just had like, but it was shaped like a figure eight and it was all beads in his beard. And not if you're a captain of improv, like in that Captain Morgan commercial.

But I think Brad Pitt is just kind of being like, I'm really good looking. That's not for a role. That's got to be for a role. It's probably for a role. Is he taking over for John? Look at this weird hat I'm wearing. Yeah, and he's just like, I can get him away with it. It's the Ashton Kutcher thing again.

He's like, I'm good looking. The Ashton Kutcher, Dave Shumka thing. I can get him away with it. Brad Pitt, Ashton, and I were talking about this at Clooney's place on Lake Como. Lake Como. Does he have a place on Lake Como? Yeah.

Do you think that he lives Do you have a place on Lake Como-ver? Boom. I was coming to you with a Lake Perry Como joke. That's too stupid. I was going to ask

about Como 4. Do you think that people at Como 4 get nervous when they think George Clooney is watching the news show that they're putting on? Overheard. You don't think so? I would be nervous. I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.

Como 4 is a... It's an ABC affiliate in Seattle. Seattle, Washington. No, I know what Como 4 is. Okay, good. I didn't get your connection. No, if George Clooney was living on Lake Como. Overheard.

All right. Overheard. Things overheard. I'm trying to replace you. Oh, are you? Okay. In everyday life. Morgan Brayton, do you have an overheard to start us with?

It's like single white female. He wants to be. He calls me up sometimes and is like, Hey, it's Graham. And I'm like, how come it's coming from Dave's phone number? And he talks like that? I know it's not you. I'm out of minutes.

Yeah, can I borrow your laundry bag? Mine broke. That's how I know it's not you. It's the world famous Graham impression. Everyone can do it. I do have an overheard. Well, it's not... Okay.

A quick and dirty one out of the way is one I actually overheard myself, which was one side of a cell phone conversation. And the guy said, well, how big and horrible? Well, did well did it fly well then it's a wasp and he was really he was even more indignant than that though he was like really mad as the but i thought what is the person on the other side of the phone trying to say it is she's like he's like did it fly she's like yes it's a wasp oh no wait no it's a cat I'm sorry

I don't know I don't know what they're trying to oh because don't people get freaked out they're like is it a wasp or a yellow jacket or a hornet or a bumblebee or a bumblebee I don't know that I know what a bumblebee a bumblebee I can spot and swat yeah but beyond that

we're talking about the girl from the blind melon video aww I wonder Yeah, but beyond that... We're talking about the Transformer, right? We're talking about the girl from the Blind Melon video. Oh, I wonder what she's doing now. She's a prostitute. Down on West Second. Yeah, she's a prostitute. She'll shingle your roof or whatever. She's also got some electrician background.

And she has a beard of beads. That was great. She has a beard of beads. That was great. That was great. That's the take home from today's broadcast. Do you have another or would you like us to go around and come back to you? You tell me. It's your show, babe.

You seem to have another. We'll come back to you. Okay. I don't have one today. Oh, Graham. I know. It's been a real, like, I mean, I could tell you about things I've said when I dropped my valuable stuff, but I'm mostly profanity-laced. Yeah, I don't think anybody wants to hear that dirty talk. Last weekend, I was in beautiful Courtney, British Columbia. I lied when I said this was the worst place in the world.

Oh, and also, somebody sent us a photo of Courtney Love shooting a movie outside of Courtney just to give us a perspective on how similar yet different the two look. Right. But similar. This was kind of during her glam

phase. Yeah. Her David Bowie phase. Aladdin's fame. Alright, so I did this show in Courtney. And the audience was friendly? Yeah. They were like the cast of Friends.

Could they be any more friendly? They seemed to be on some kind of substance. Oh! Ecstasy? A kissing drug? I would say either. I would say probably the methamphetamines. Sometimes crystallized.

Sometimes pill form. Sure, I don't know. I know about that. Anyway, this girl came up to me after the show and she said, does this count if I overheard her say it to my face? Sure. Have you ever gotten, what's a good example of a backhanded compliment?

Oh, like one time somebody, this one comic, I think he said it to several different comics but he was saying like you know it's like it's kind of almost uh like you're lucky that that you do comedy and like you don't like i look really good it's like i'm handsome so it detracts from like it's harder for me to get a laugh but like you they just want to laugh at and i was like oh i think that's good but then i realized he was just roundabout calling me was that dave that said that again yeah it was dave when he was hanging around with this oceans 13 crew bunch of jerks so so i was hanging out with Piven's hair plugs and he had them all beat and just call them

Pivs so this girl comes up to me she's with her boyfriend and she says to me you were really funny when I saw you get up on stage I thought you were going to be a dork oh and I was like oh

and she said it's because of your shoes what? what kind of shoes were you wearing? I was wearing a desert boot oh wow and you also came out on stage to been through the desert with a horse with no name that was your music cue

so dorky and her boyfriend said yeah you gotta get some pointy shoes and he pointed to his and gotta get some pointy shoes. And he pointed to his and he had these pointy leather shoes. Like Tim Burton, that hilarious comedian Tim Burton always wearing the pointy shoes. Like Will Ferrell in Elf. When do you think Tim Burton's gonna go, I'm an adult now. I don't need to dress like the Cure anymore.

Like I'm a multi-millionaire. But that's the thing with those cure people. They don't. They don't grow up out of it. So he's always like a gloomy Gus, even though he's like a multi-millionaire. But not just him. All those. And I'm sorry. I don't mean to judge.

Literally. But I will. I don't mean to judge, but I will. All those cure people, they all have that same sort of attitude that we're all still in ninth grade. So they hold on to it much. I'm sorry, but they do. Well, why him, though? Because he's got a very nice-looking wife.

He's got a very successful career. He's got a nice-looking – he had a nice-looking wife, and then he left – well, she wasn't – I don't know if she was nice-looking, but he had a nice wife that he left for that homewrecker, Helena Bonham Carter. Oh, could that be one of the worst things of 2000? There you go. Who's gotten less and less good looking. Well, that's what happens in life. Except for George Burns. He got more awesome looking as he got older.

I don't know where that came from, but hell yeah. It's true, right? He was kind of boring looking when he was younger, but as he got older, he suddenly became amazing looking. I don't know if that's so much that you become better looking or that you become more comfortable with yourself and more confident and therefore are better looking. That's what I think. I think

he was a good looking young man. No, he wasn't. George Burns? No. Black and white pictures? Come on. No, he was still black and white. He was always weird looking, but then when he... It's like the joke on The Simpsons where he's a kid singing the song with the cigar and he's like the joke on the simpsons where he's a kid singing the song with the cigar and he's like this will be hilarious when i'm 90 that was his whole thing he was only

he was built as an old man but he had to wait 80 years for that to really uh cash in his chips like ben button huh like ben button yeah yeah okay i still there was an ad for it on tv today and i started laughing hysterically, and my wife was like, what are you laughing at? And every time there is a reference to it, I still remember you calling it the curious case of Benjamin Beans.

I can't remember what it is, but it still makes me laugh. It was completely ridiculous. But anyhow. Yeah. No, the pointy-shoed skinny jean people. Do you sound like you had some pretty bad run-ins with this crowd? No, I just... It's...

The Cure people, I'm baffled by. The Cure people, would they be the same kids now that are into Twilight? Is that how that goes? Is that the evolutionary arc? No, because everyone's into Twilight. Is that the evolutionary art? No, because everyone's into Twilight. What is that one thing that the cartoon that the little goth girl's like?

It's called Sarah Strange? Little Strange? Emily Strange? Emily Strange. Yeah. Because there's a lot of that. Is that faux cure crowd? Emily S. Strange?

The Strange? Yeah, something The Strange. Emily The Strange. Oh Strange Is that it? Is that the equivalent of today? I don't think there's an equivalent of today I think everyone is just awesome Yeah, that's true Go ahead and read your

Gashly crumb tinies Go ahead and hate your neighbor Go ahead and cheat a friend We were trying to figure out... Someone I know, and I, who shall remain nameless, was trying to figure out how to go... Is this Bruce Willis? Is this a Bruce Willis story? Okay, you've got me. Bruce was saying...

Bruno. Will you go and buy me the Twilight books? And I said, no, go yourself. But just do... This can only be one person. No, no. It was Bruce Willis.

And I said, just do what our other friend, who shall remain nameless, does. Bring it up to the counter with a lot of embarrassing items. Your condoms. An enema kit. No, we were... So, okay, well, maybe this is like too long of a story. The other Twilight books. Exactly.

Harry Potter. Home Improvement on DVD. We have this friend. We were having this conversation about like weird things you do, like how you, you know, if you're chubby or just downright fat and you, you know, you'll order a salad for lunch, and then you'll go get a burger afterwards or whatever. You'll wrap it in pizza. But not in front of people.

Yeah. And so I have this friend. We call that pizza taco. I have this friend who confessed one time that she'll go to Safeway and order a birthday cake. Whoa. Like an ice cream cake or just a regular birthday cake? Whatever, just a regular cake. But you don't want to say

it's for you, right? So she goes to this whole elaborate like you can just go get a cake. They're not judging you. Oh, she goes and like says oh, put it to Bruce. Send it to Bruce. It's my's... She'll be like, it's my friend Bruce's birthday. I need a birthday

cake. And can you write happy birthday Bruce on it? And this whole elaborate ruse, because she wants to eat some cake. And so she'll be standing there, oh, we're having a really big party. It's gonna be so fun.

She's got balloons with her. She's got the whole nine yards just to have a cake. Yeah, and she's got the whole story just because she wants to eat some cake. And she's like, I'm fat. I'm getting a cake. People are going to judge me. So anyways, so I said to Bruce Willis. Actually, I really like the frosting. Can you make it out to Esmeralda?

Thank you. There you go. But you've got to do that when you want to get uh you know twilight you can just be like oh my teenage daughter she just is crazy for the twilight oh we're having a big twilight party and you know you can make where i'm gonna read the book yeah we're gonna dress up as twilight as rick twilight turn the lights halfway down yeah we're gonna have it at desk Detective Harvey Twilight yeah um

yeah that's have you ever bought a deep and delicious cake hells yeah alright have you ever gone to KFC and they've given you a deep and delicious cake

no that's uh that's like I've had that happen like yeah you already feel kind of bad that you're getting KFC

and then at the last second they're like don't forget your deep and delicious cake. Oh, no. You're like, oh, God. There's no coming out of this. A deep and delicious cake is a cake that you have to keep in the freezer, but it's not ice cream. Yeah, it's the McCain's.

Because you're not a meat eater, right? No. And so do you get the vegetarian chicken sandwich at KFC? No, I have had it. I had it at one point. And it's been good, right? It's okay. Oh, it's good.

Don't kid yourself, listeners. It's good. But I always feel, because I feel horrible to go to KFC, so I want to make a t-shirt that says, I was getting the vegetarian sandwich to wear when I go there. It's sort of like the ruse of like, my, you know, Bruce is having a birthday. No one cares.

No one's judging you, but I feel as though they are. That's true. I think people are judging you if you're going in every week for another teenager's birthday. Then they're like, wait a minute,

what's with all these teenage birthdays and the cakes and the Twilight books? And the police are calling. You're 39. Yeah. Now you have another overhe. You're 39. Yeah. Now, you have another overheard. Yeah. I do. Okay.

Well, this is actually not my overheard, but I love it so much that I have to steal it. So, one of my ex-students, she told you about this. I forced her to tell you about this when it came to my class. So, one of my ex-students was on Skytrain. about this when it came to my class. So one of my ex-students was on Skytrain and there was this like total haughty, young, blonde girl

sitting there. And on gets this like thug black dude. I'm not being racist. The fact that he's black is important to the story. Yeah. So this like, this guy gets on and he comes and sits beside her and he starts trying to hit

on her and he's trying to pick her up and blah blah and she stops him mid sentences and says i'm sorry i'm really racist and you don't know whether to like I mean what she said was abhorrent But at the same time polite Yeah She's nouveau racist She doesn't know She doesn't know all the rules

Can I Indulge in some reading Some written in overheard It's your show man I don't know what that means Alright this is an overheard from Nicole W some written in overheards? It's your show, man. I don't know what that means. Alright, this is an overheard from Nicole W. I was in a tiny card shop

at my local mall when a woman pushing a boy of about six in a stroller. Is that stroller age? No, that's too much. That's a lazy kid right there. Yeah, no kidding. Came into the store with a man I presumed to be her husband. As they were fighting and being rather loud about it, I overheard her say,

I need to find them now. I am not buying something just to buy it. I know that it will help him with his problems in school. After taking a lap through the store yelling loudly at her husband the entire time, she stopped at the cash register and asked the saleswoman in a sweet voice, excuse me, where are your chocolate-covered espresso beans?

Pretty good. That may be why he was in a stroller. He was crashing from a caffeine high. And he was too short because the caffeine had stunted his growth, so his legs were too tiny for walking. Six is too old for a stroller, though, right? That's not... Six years? Yes.

Oh, yes. Six months. Well, it depends how much they've been walking. Sure. Because they can't walk as long as we can. That's true. Leave them at home. Six is too old for a stroller, but not old enough to take care of yourself.

Not too young to take... This is from Eva S. She's from Columbus, Ohio. And my overheard comes from my job a couple of days ago. I work in a fabric and craft store, so I generally overhear nothing of value whatsoever. Thankfully, the other night,

a group of hillbillies came into the store. Wait a minute. Hillbillies don't craft. Although they do, what do they call that? Folk art. Whittle? Oh, yeah, the folk. They make their own Confederate flags.

All right. They were really loud and really obnoxious. So I walked past them, and one of the girls said to the other girl in a very loud voice, so last night I got a wad on me. It was just a little wad, but I was screaming.

A wad? Yeah. Wow. But that could have been anything. If they were hillbillies, that could have been tabacky. Oh, sure. Chewing tabacky, right?

It could be. My in-laws, who I'm not allowed to refer to as hillbillies. Do they live in the hill? They drink billy beer? They are American, and they are hillbillies. Do they live in the hill? They drink Billy beer? They are American. And they are hillbillies. I love them.

But they are. They chew tobacco. And one of them, who shall remain nameless. Oh. She lost it. Jethro. Judd. She lost it.

It's a she. Her name is not Jethro. She literally is nameless. That's how hillbillies are. She's missing nameless. That's how you feel he's on. She's missing a tooth. Is that true? For real. Like in the frontals?

Yeah, sort of whatever these ones are. And so she was at our house and she was telling us all the things she'd tried to do to replace this tooth. And she had tried, she chewed up some gum and stuck it up there, thinking maybe nobody had noticed. That didn't work out well. She tried to replace a tooth with gum? Yeah. She wetted and wadded up some paper, stuck it up there.

So she was thinking she was going to whittle a little piece of wood and paint it with liquid paper and put it up there. Where do they live? She also... Is this the Ozarks? She doesn't want to buy... She needs glasses, and she doesn't want to buy them. So she goes to the dollar store

and gets several pairs of those reading glasses and wears them all at once. She wears four pairs of glasses. Nick, nick, nick, nick. What Morgan hasn't explained is that she's married to Jeff Foxworthy. This is ridiculous. Michelle will never hear this episode.

Oh, will she not? She will not. I'll be like, yeah, I was going to record an episode to stop podcasting yourself, but I couldn't find the place, so I didn't. Yeah. Instead, I went and discovered some bubble and crude. Interested in that story? This is from Nick in Seattle, Washington. Living in the central part of Seattle, I'm faced with hobos daily.

Well, why wouldn't you be? It's a very temperate climate. About a year ago, I was walking to work early one morning And noticed an especially crazed dude Running in mini circles outside of a church As I got closer I saw he was attempting To scoop up pigeons Of which there were several And yelling I'm gonna baptize every last one of you motherfuckers

Well I guess they need redemption too They do They certainly have sinned. They're devil birds. That's good of him. Okay. This is from Haley. This overheard happened last weekend when I was on the 99B line.

Two people across from me were talking and I happened to catch the woman say, my mom was the one who suggested we have a threesome. Which, wow. Do you think like that's like a mom that's like the meet the fuckers type mom? Or like a paint your tooth with whiteout type mom? Well, no, the mom suggested. Yeah, that she had the threesome. Yeah, not that the mom be involved.

We don't know. No, I'm assuming no. You just want to assume no, but some moms are like that. It's good of me to assume no, right? I think that's very good. You may be giving mom more credit than she's due. That's all I'm saying.

Wow. Okay. This is the last one for this portion. As you may know, there are at least several bakeries on Commercial Drive. It's true. Commercial Drive, Bakery Haven. Two bakeries.

Super great. While passing two middle-aged women a couple of weeks ago on the drive, I overheard the following snippet of conversation. Woman one, those buns are so good. What was the name of the bakery you got them from? Was it called Italian Bakery? Woman two, it was Safeway. That was from Ian J.

If you guys haven't overheard and you want to write it in, it is stoppodcastingyourselfatgmail.com. And we have some overheards that people have called in. Are you guys interested? I am. Super dupes. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Oliver from Ohio, and I'm calling in with an overheard.

I'm a photography student, and I was in class a few weeks ago, and there are two people in class that are pertinent to the story. One is a sort of a French exchange student kind of guy, and another is I'd say late teens at best, and he's a very openly gay gentleman. And on this particular day in class, the French guy was absent, so the other guy, I believe his name is Ben, turned to the instructor and said, hey, where's Frenchie?

And the instructor says sort of half-jokingly, I don't know, I'm not his keeper. And without missing a beat, Ben says, I'll be his keeper. Love the show. Keep up the good work.

Viva la innuendo. Where's Frenchie? Yeah, pretty good. Oliver from Ohio had a cute accent. Yeah, and he was really laid back. He's like a guy that I think if you had a porch and some lemonade, it would be a good time. You'd invite Oliver over. Yeah.

I wouldn't hesitate, would you? I have a porch and porch and some lemonade, it would be a good time. You'd invite Oliver over. Yeah. I wouldn't hesitate, would you? I have a porch and I have some lemonade, Oliver. When you're in town. Yonder. Come tell me some stories about gay Ben. Hey, Graham and Dave. This is LJ from Boston. I got an overheard at work the other day.

There was this one lady who talked way too much about how much she drinks and stuff. And I don't really know what her deal is, but she's got to be like in her late 30s. Doesn't appear to have a boyfriend or a husband. Just really annoying. But I heard her talking to someone the other day. I don't know if she maybe bought a house or something. And all I heard was the end of the conversation where she said,

yeah, you know me, I'm a real estate typhoon. She was such an idiot. Sounds to me like this guy's got a crush. LJ or whatever his name is. He's a bit of a judger. Well, I think he's got a crush. He keeps saying how she's so gross, she's an idiot, but it's like one of those things. It's like a Gerard. Well, I think he's got a crush. He keeps saying how she's so gross,

she's an idiot, but it's like one of those things. It's like a Gerard Butler movie, right? You hate him. You hate him so much, and then he's 300. You kick him into a bottomless pit. He kicks you into a bottomless pit. And that's what love's about.

Guys, I watched What Women Want on the weekend. What is it? What the hell kind of weekend did you have? I had the last weekend that I was going to have television, apparently. watched What Women Want on the weekend. What is it? What the hell kind of weekend did you have you watched? I had the last weekend that I was going to have television apparently. What Women Want is Mel Gibson? Mel Gibson. Yeah.

It was what Gerard Butler would have been in if Gerard Butler came along like seven years previous. Or what Mel Gibson would still be doing if he hadn't said that thing about... That's what I said when I was watching it. I was like, I think this was the last

of the pre-Jew Jew bashing. Jewy sugar tits. Oh lordy. I'm grateful that happened just so that I could hear the phrase sugar tits because I wasn't familiar with it before, but it's a fun one. Do you not go to Sugar Tits on the drive?

It's a great bakery. Okay, one more. Hey, Dave, Graham, and guests. This is William from Chicago. I haven't overheard for you. This is one of my favorites from when I was back at school at the University of Illinois. We have a large hippie population down there. And one of these guys was on the quad, one of our local hippies,

and he was on a unicycle. And, you know, guys on unicycles are people of the attention, I guess. So he was unicycling across the quad on the sidewalks. And this just normal student was walking across the grass and not using the sidewalk. So the hippie on the unicycle goes, Hey, man, use the sidewalk. And without missing a beat, the guy walking on the sidewalk goes,

Hey, man, ride a bike. It's one of my favorites. I just want to share it with you guys. You guys are the best. Take care. If anybody wants to send in overheards, they can reach us at 206-339-8328. That's 206-339-T.

Now, he was talking about his college has hippies at it. And it was in Illinois Yeah Shouldn't it, like, if they've reached the middle of the country Shouldn't we just assume that all colleges have hippies at them? Agreed

Well, yes, I would agree that all colleges have hippies Except possibly Texas Christian And even then, the guy who wears unpleated pants is considered but what about uh here's the thing i was just thinking while he was saying that because i was thinking a hippie riding a unicycle i was like typical typical hippie and then i was like what if that was a phrase where you saw a hippie or a hipster doing something that was so typical and you were just like oh that's typical like that would be a pretty good because that's hippical. That would be pretty good because that's how those words are invented, right?

You just take a word and then you mulch it together with another word. Overheards. Hippical. You have to really... People need to think you're saying typical. They won't know how clever you are. If you saw an instant of it,

like if there were two guys with really tight pants on and they were passed out, and there was a bunch of cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon everywhere, you would just go, hippical, right? Yeah, you're right. You'd have to really hit that H. Otherwise, it does sound like I'm Jeff Dunham saying typical. Kind of like a Hebrew age. You're welcome. Hippical.

I know my ventriloquists. Are any of your hillb know my ventriloquists. Are any of your hillbilly brethren ventriloquists? Do any of your hillbilly brethren believe that the puppet is real? Well, we watched Slumdog Millionaire

last year when we were there. They were the richest slumdogs. One of them did say Slumdog Millionaire. Last year when we were there. And they were all like, they're the richest slumdogs. No, one of them did say, at the end I said, so what'd you think? And he said, well,

it was no mall cop. Well, correct. Exactly. That's about as honest a movie review as you're ever going to hear. It is no mall cop. Do we want to move on to childhood injuries? Morgan, do you have a childhood injury to tell?

I was injured as a child Yeah, but this is not severely or debilitatingly or lastingly Or sadly It has to be humorous. I'm not explaining why I am who I am today. Yeah, it's not like, oh, I'm missing part of my thumb and my twin sister died. Like, we don't, there's no room for those type of stories. She just glazed over my...

I just felt really sad when you told me about that. I want to hear the story of how the tooth was missing on your sister. I don't know. I don't know. That's just how it goes. That's an adult injury. And you know what it was. Gingivitis. Or old gingivitis.

It was one of her five pairs of glasses fell off and knocked her tooth out. You wouldn't hit someone wearing five pairs of glasses. I was hit in the head with a lawn dart as a child. What? Well, this was, as we have discussed, I am 39.

This was in the era that lawn darts were legal. Exactly. When you could just throw hunks of metal at each other as sport. And they had little things on them to make them more aerodynamic. You're in pain. Just exactly.

And that seemed like a good idea in the 70s. So, yeah, there isn't really much more to the story than that, except that I was – I wasn't even – so I had these neighbors, the Pope boys, and I didn't play with them that much. They used to play, the kids used to bring their Barbies to go swimming in their little wading pool

and I didn't have Barbies. And then one time somebody gave me like a G.I. Joe doll and I was so excited that I could go and partake of the Pope boys and other neighborhood kids swimming with the Barbies. And so I ran over and uh colonel pope their father he was a military guy um i grew up on leave it to beaver right exactly i went running over as excited as i'll get out with my uh gi joe

who i should mention didn't come with any clothes when he was given to me. Wow. It was a little hand-me-down situation. And I ran over all excited and went diving in the pool with him. And Colonel Pope was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And he put a Band-Aid over G.I. Joe's crotch. It was too scandalous for the other Barbies to be. And G.I. Chad's crotch was. It was a blank canvas.

I know, he didn't even have a crotch. On which to build the future. But somehow it was too scandalous. So anyways, so yeah. So that's a little background story to the Pope boys. So I was in their backyard with them next to the treehouse that we played Truth or Dare in. And somebody said, look out. And so I turned to look look not to look out as you

know they should have said heads up yeah and then you would have turned around cover your head or whatever and so i turned around and laundered in the back of the head and so i went running home i said and stuck my finger into it. Yeah. Wow. But you know what? I bet there are a lot of people out there that have been hit in the head with a lawn dart. The number of lawn dart injuries. Is that how?

Maybe they didn't survive to tell the truth. What were lawn darts? It would be like darts, basically. Giant darts. They're like giant, big, fat metal darts. Yeah. But you have two plastic circles and you put them on sort of either side of the lawn. So it's like horizontal darts. Is that right?

Yeah, exactly. But you kind of lob it instead of throwing it overhand. It's sort of like horseshoes, I guess, but with a more pointy. I challenge you to a game of horseshoes. A game of horseshoes. I totally, I just clicked in with that one. So yeah, you sort of lob it And try to get it to stick into the lawn

Or your neighbor's head And is this the story That you told that got you in With your hillbilly brother Where they were like We all have had One of them was like I still got lawn dark in my head

He takes off his top hat. His top hat, the top of it comes off. They're a mix of hillbilly and hobo. All right. So that's great. You survived. Yeah.

Do you think it touched your brain? No. Okay. All right. I know you're looking for an explanation, but there isn't one. This is from Julian K. This one involves his two brothers, or my two brothers. Maybe Julian's a girl.

That might be a female name. How's it spelled? J-U-L-I-E-N. Is that the girl's spelling or the guy's spelling? No, I think that is. He or she is from Quebec. I was going to say it's a French spelling. London, Ontario.

Okay. Anyways, back when we lived on a farm, my dad would take out the tractor every year and make huge piles of snow for us to build snow forts. Well, it's already a disaster. I know. One day we were out digging into one of these piles, my oldest brother digging into one side,

and my second brother from the top since we only had one shovel there was some inevitable squabbling about who could use it eventually my oldest brother got tired of constant clamoring so he tossed the shovel over the snow pile and straight into the hole where my other brother was waiting

I don't remember there being any stitches but the unexpected metal spade to the head caused some pretty serious bleeding. That's pretty... That was right on the snow. That was a real Fargo moment. Whenever I hear one of these stories, I know it's going to end badly. And I always just kind of...

As soon as I find out the setting, that's when I start biting my neck. Oh, yeah, because that one was... You knew it was going to be was terror in the art day. You saw it coming. All right, let's see here. We got one from Todd F. All right, I'm about 12, 13 and it is Mother's Day.

My dad decided that we'd take all the kids, I'm the oldest of five at the time, to the park so that my mom would have the afternoon to herself. Yep, queen for a day. The park that we went to was in Richland, Washington. And there was a river that runs by the city, and there were many parks on the banks.

We went to this one that even had a marina nearby and a few docks that were right next to the playground. This is a lot of, this is like really setting this, this guy's the Tolkien of childhood injury stories. The dock in question went out into the water about 50 feet perpendicular to the bank. I should have... The boat was traveling. Yeah, exactly. What time do I get? The train.

To Cucamonga. Making it like a T off the bank. All right? So there's like a T-shaped dock. Got it. My autistic brother, then about 8, 9, was in a phase where he loved throwing rocks into the river well who grows out of that yes uh well i was playing out at the deck of the intersection of the t when i suddenly hear my dad yell look out this was followed by a loud clang immediately behind me then felt something hit me in the back of the head at first i thought nothing

of it and went back to what i was doing for a minute then noticed that my head was starting to really hurt so i put a head up to the spot where I got hit to rub the bruise. However, put a hand up. He said head, but it's hand. That's probably because he got hit in the head with a rock. However, when I pulled my hand down, it was covered in blood. This ended the trip to the hospital where I got a 2x2 inch bald spot and four stitches in the back of my head. Awesome Mother's Day.

Well, your mother probably thought it was okay. Yeah, slept through it. Drunk. You know what? You should have got the bald spot shaved into a heart shape. Oh, that would have been nice. Happy Mother's Day.

How many people's the last thing they heard in their life was look out? It's true. But it's never that's not a good thing to say. That's not helpful. But but of course you don't have the presence of mind when you're like oh no something giant and metal is hurtling at my

child i've hit people in the face with frisbees for throwing them for my dog and they just get away from me and all i don't yell anything because i just because you know there's no point i just no i just hope it doesn't hit them uh it's like the secret. If you yell four, the ball's not going to hit them. This is from Lucy C. For the better portion of my first 25 years of life or so, my family owned and ran a pizzeria. Sounds great. I know what your first job was.

What was your first job? I was working on a visa round. Oh, I get it. What if she never did? What if she never set foot in it? I'm certain its existence is the only reason my parents then chose to have three children in quick succession. Instant child labor. Well, I guess that answered my quip.

And no daily access to pizza did not make up for my lost youth. Well, it sounds like you're a born complainer. Before we were old enough to start working for real, though, we were still brought to the pizzeria. My younger siblings and I would pass the time finding ways to amuse ourselves. One day, I must have been about four years old when my sister was then two, I decided to try my hand at science and conduct an important experiment. I collected a small sample of each of the spices

we had at the pizzeria and put them in a little container. Sort of already knowing what the outcome would be, I reasoned my sister would make a much better subject than I would. So I shook up all the spices, gave her the container and told her to inhale the contents. Which she did. My sister ran screaming inside and my mom spent the next half hour

flushing out her burning nostrils. Pretty good. I was expecting a sneeze festival. I like, how do you flush out a nostril? You go to the nose wash station? In the chemistry lab? Can I tell you about Jimmy Lamentang?

Jimmy Lamentang? Is this one of the characters from your one woman show? Is this one of your relatives? Give it in, Jimmy Lamentang! Ma'am? Are you working on one of the characters from your one-woman show? No. Is this one of your relatives? Well, give it in, Jimmy Lammatang. Ma'am? Are you working on one of your kites? Kites? Tell me about your kites.

Okay, I'll wait until you do this. No, go ahead. I want to hear about Jimmy Lammatang. Okay, so on the cul-de-sac on which I grew up. I feel like Colonel Pope and Jimmy Lennon. I feel like I'm the same. When I was a kid, there were a lot more good character names. My parents used to always threaten to, if I misbehaved, that they'd send me to live with Mildred Kaufman.

You guys grew up in the vinyl cafe. Maybe I do have my new one-dressing show. It's called Cul-de-sac. Cul-de-sac. Yeah. So Jimmy Lamentang did not live on our cul-de-sac. He lived down the street in a rented house. So my dad was like a private contractor at the time and had lots of tools and stuff.

And Jimmy Lamentang was a bit of a bad seed down the street. We were probably like six or seven at the time. And he was a bit of a bad seed and kind of always getting into trouble. And it was always like, where's that Lamentang kid's mother was often said. Anyhow, and so one day he comes knocking on our door and asks my dad if he can borrow some tools for something he's working on. And my dad, to bring it back to Tom Brayton, he's all chuffed, right, that like, oh, Jimmy Lamentang is like,

he's straightening up and fly right, and he's working on something. He's not just, you know. Suddenly. My dad, he's a hopeful man here's my finest staple gun jimmy he's a glass half full so he lends jimmy a bunch of tools and we had at the end of the cul-de-sac there were drains and then there were these little you know kind of um not speed bumps but they were little mounds that, you know, the rain would run down and then up against the little mound and go down the drain. So we would ride our bikes over them and we would put little ramps and go, right. So Jimmy Lampton comes and borrow some tools. My dad's chuffed.

So next thing we know, Jimmy's setting up a ramp. Next thing we know, Jimmy's setting up a ramp. And what we don't realize until he's gone to the top of our hill and down into the cul-de-sac and pedaled his little heart out and gone up and over the ramp. And when he's in mid-flight, when the front wheel of his bike flies off. Oh, no. Is that he's borrowed tools to loosen the nuts on the forks of his bike flies off. Oh no. Is that he's borrowed tools to loosen the nuts on the front on the forks of his bike. For what purpose?

Because I think really that was as far as he thought it through. Was that he was going to go up the ramp and the wheel was going to fly off. This was like the Evel Knievel time. We watched a lot of Evel Knievel in the 70s. It was going to fly off. This was like the Evel Knievel time, right? We watched a lot of Evel Knievel in the 70s.

And it was going to be awesome. Well, there you go. And I don't think he really thought about what was going to happen next, which did happen next. Lamentang. I mean, I feel almost worse for my dad than Jimmy Lamentang because he was so...

Not only was it terrible and Jimmy was all smashed up but my dad had given him the tools with which to smash himself. He had to spend the rest of the summer with the colonel. Yeah, Colonel Pope. And a band-aid over his crotch.

Do we have any Yeah we got some Called in Injuries Childhood injuries Why not We have been getting A lot of them

If you want to send One of yours I think everybody's Got one of these stories Stop podcasting yourself At gmail.com And also if you have A favorite

Planet Hollywood story I am collecting them From my book And also Hey So Jimmy Lamentang Yeah Hollywood story. I am collecting them from my book. And also, hey, Jimmy Lamentang, write in and tell us the name of the bad seed in your neighborhood.

They were like, Jimmy Lamentang, write in and tell us what you were thinking was going to happen when you went to the ramp. Now, bad seed, or are we talking about that kid? He wasn't necessarily bad seed, but he was trouble. He was like a Dennis the Menace. Sure.

Either way. Yeah, I guess. Either way. I had a lot of friends who were bad seeds like that. I mostly kept company with them, so there's a large list. On their podcast, they're talking about Graham Clark, the bad seed. That's right. Dave Elwood was one of them.

He was trouble. What about the Heffernan kids? Oh, the bad seed. That's right. Dave Elwood was one of them. He was trouble. What about the Heffernan kids? Oh, the Heffernans. Was that you that I told about? You mean the... In church. The hamster. Yeah.

Did I ever tell you that story? It was Lil' Ronnie Heffernan. See, that was the name to go, Dave Elwood. No, Dave Elwood was... Lil' Ronnie Heffernan was my brother's age. Like there was a big Ronnie Heffernan. Well, there might have been. Maybe there probably was.

The dad was big Ronnie. But there was a thing at a church that was like you bring in your animals and they baptize the animals. And this kid was so much trouble all the time, Ronnie Heffernan. But this day, you know, parted hair like Elf Elf, like little bow tie vest, and he had his hamster with him, and he just could not have been prouder, right? Like, this was his crowning day. And every, like, the minister would ask, what is the animal's name? And, you know, everybody was like, you know,

Rover. Yeah, Rover. Or, you know, Chuck. Or whatever. And they were like, what is your little hamster's name? And he said it so proud for everybody. He's like, it's Blackie Brownie Sniffy Heffernan. A lot of the minister was like, dear God, please bless

Blackie Brownie Sniffy Heffernan. Little Ronnie Heffernan. Oh, little Ronnie. Yeah, so if you have a weird kind of, you know, like, you know, a town that time forgot kind of troubled kid nickname or real name. Okay. Childhood injury. Here we go.

Hey, guys. This is Cameron calling from Vancouver. I'm just calling in with a childhood trauma story. This is my favorite of many childhood trauma stories. When I was 10 years old, I was visiting my dad in Calgary. And after I had my hair cut into a brush cut, of course, at Westbrook Mall, we decided to go to Car Gardens to do a few laps around the track. And I was so excited that I ran my car off the road before I even did my first lap. And I guess the go-kart attendant ran over

and in all his wisdom told me to get out of the car and stand to the side while him and my dad pushed the car back onto the track. So I was doing that and the next thing I knew I was gaining consciousness on the ground. And what had happened was I was standing there, and this young girl had come around the same corner and just smoked me. And I broke my femur, almost broke both femurs. And I'd flown out of my shoes probably about, I don't know, 10 meters away. Wow. And like Dave, my teeth had gone through my lip.

Oh, man. And I was laying down on the ground, and the guy who had told me to get out of the car was laying down next to me, and he said, if it makes you feel any better, she hit me too. So thanks a lot, guys, and I love the show. Oh, man, he was talking about cart gardens

I know he dropped that I don't know if he knows from Calgary yeah he must cart gardens was absolutely 100%

no safety precautions in place it was some yahoo who owned a parking lot and enough go-karts

to make it worth his while do they still have go-karts is that like cause lawn darts are outlawed are go-karts to make it worth his while. Do they still have go-karts? Because lawn darts are outlawed. Are go-karts still something they can do? I hurt my neck very severely at somebody's bachelor party

not but six months ago. In a go-kart. Okay. No, with a lawn dart. At Card Gardens for tokens. Yeah, what's going on guys. Token Dukes. Yeah. At Kurt Gordon's for tokens. Yeah, what's going on, guys? This is Lance from Boston, Massachusetts. I must have been about seven or eight when I got one of those Nerf basketball hoops for, I don't know, a birthday or something like that.

And they came with, at the time, they came with two very large suction cups, one of which I promptly stuck over my eye and got it completely stuck over there, frantically trying to pry this thing off my eye, not realizing that all I really had to do was peel up a little bit of the edge of it and it would have come right off. Every time I went to pull on it, I could feel my eye just starting to pull out of its socket until I ran screaming to my mother who managed to get it off my eye. But that's my childhood story there for you guys. Doing a great job.

Keep up the good work. Thanks for calling in. Oh, my goodness. That's right, because it just takes one second of sober thought to get a suction cup off. Well, you're a child. Yeah. You're not familiar with suction.

Thanks for everybody who called us in. If you want to call in your own, it's 206-339-8328. And Morgan, if people want to find you online, where's the online presence? They can go to MorganBrayton.com. And that'll give wherever you're going to be doing this one-woman show. Yeah, not right now because I haven't updated it but yeah in theory yes.

In theory. Or they can become a fan of Morgan Brayton on Facebook. That's yeah. Totally. Do a search for Morgan Brayton. Why not indeed?

And do you have any gigs upcoming? I know you're doing The Debaters but anything? Mm-hmm. A Christmas review? A New Year's

popping out of a cake a nativity pageant in my new backyard your one woman show cul-de-sac characters yeah the wife and I are doing

a lesbian rendition of the nativity scene it's going to be very East Van that's going to be great I know see look you're excited

you should get your you should get your father in there build a manger he totally would it's a good Christmas time project I can't tell look you're you should get your you should get your father in there build a manger ironically our neighbors totally doing it are they really hippical am i right oh hippical there it is um yeah i'll be in toronto no i'll'll be back from Toronto by the time this comes out. So forget it. Oh, I'm doing a play reading.

I'm doing a play reading at Carousel Theater on Granville Island on December 14th. And the play is Llamatang, A Wave of Accidents. It's going to be really good. That's right. All right. This was a long one. I apologize. Oh, I'm a bad one. That's right. All right. This was a long one. I apologize. Oh, I'm apologizing.

You got all this extra content. So if you did enjoy the show, please visit the website, stoppodcastingyourself.com. Say hello on the forum. Check out the blog. There's a link to it from the website. Also, if you want to write to us, stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com or call us, 206-339-8328. Tell your friends if you like the show and come on back next week for another

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