Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 93 - Alicia Tobin

Episode Date: December 21, 2009

Alicia Tobin returns for our Holiday Extravaganza. We donate in one another's names to celebrity charities, and we are visited by three ghosts... by which I mean guests: Bita Joudaki, Kaitlin Fontana, and The Knights Of The Night.

I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need. I care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I don't need to hang my stocking there upon the fireplace, the flowers make me happy. I enjoy a Christmas day. I just want you for my own. More than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you

Hello everybody and welcome to episode 93 of Stop Podcasting Yourself, the holiday episode. Happy holidays to you and yours. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is the first person ever to sing Jingle Bells with the line, Batmobile lost its wheel and the Joker ran away. That was you, Dave Shumka. But prior to that, it was Batmobile lost its wheel and Joker took ballet. Oh, yeah. But you saw an opening for something else.

And I would also like to mention that our song off the top, not our usual song. Holiday special. That was a song by Fanshawe, the delightful local recording artist Fanshawe. That's part of the Eggnog Experience. Which is the soundtrack to the Mental Beast online TV series? Yeah, sure. Yeah. And radio.

Yeah. And it features a lot of former guests of the show. Go to mentalbeast.com. You can download the entire Eggnog experience for free, I believe. Yeah, for free. And there's an option to donate. It's a really excellent project. Yeah, the money goes to the Vancouver Food Bank, I think.

Yeah, they need it. The VFB. This time of year, most of all. But also other times of year, also. As they will remind you. And our guest today, repeat guest, third time. Sure thing. Is a charm.

She is a comedian. She's an artiste. She is a letter writer. Miss Alicia Tobin. Hi. Hello. Thank you. Happy holidays.

Yes. To yours. And to yours. And to yours. To the Shumka Clarks. Happy holidays. Yes. To yours. And to yours. And to yours. To the Shumka Clarks. Happy holidays up yours. Do you want to get to know us? Mm-hmm.

Get to know us. So, Alicia. Yes. What's new and exciting? What is going on in the Tobiniverse? I just had a fine dental checkup, and that was great. Great teeth. It's my one great thing.

You have a nickname for one of your teeth. You have one guy that's a rogue tooth. Lil' Crooked? Lil' Crooked, or was that the nickname? I can't remember. Lil' Crooked, I don't think that was the nickname for it. You said it before, and I can't remember. Little Crooked is... I don't think that was the nickname for it. You said it before, and I can't remember what it was. But you have one that like...

Little Wonky? Wonky? Willy Wonky. Getting warmer. It was Wonks? It is Wonky. It just kind of goes out on its own. Yeah.

And it needs special brushing. I've been advised that I'm losing some gums from brushing it like I'd brush a regular tooth. Losing some gums. Brush it. Like they flake off? No, they just recede over time. Yeah. During the recession.

Yeah. It's part of the recession. In my mouth. It's your gums and butter economy. Thanks. Well done. Well done. So the holidays.

How are they treating you? How are they happy for you? So far so good. This is the highlight thus far. I don't know what a wassailing is. Is that when you wrap a baby really tight? Yeah, that's swaddling. No, that's swaddling.

Wassailing, is it like caroling? Is it spelled wassail? Or is it misspelled? Wassail. I don't know. That's that song. It's that Christmas carol, Here We Come a Wassailing.

I've never heard it. What's the second rhyme? Is that right? That can't be right. That doesn't make sense. It doesn't. But then doesn't it say afraid to be seen?

No, that can't. Those can't be the lyrics. That's one of our least known Christmas songs. Yeah. I just remember being a part of years and years ago they used to have a claymation Christmas special with the California Raisins. What year was that?

It was many years in a row. The late 80s. Yeah, the late 80s probably. They always made me uncomfortable, those Raisins. Why is that? I don't know. It kind of looked like they were in blackface. Yeah, a little bit.

Okay. Yeah, like I just always felt like, I'm like, this doesn't seem right. That doesn't seem nice. I don't know. It just always made me feel weird. Yeah. Yeah.

They made me feel weird, but in kind of like a becoming a man way. But do you remember that Christmas special? Do you? Not specifically. It was one of the- But yeah, I remember them and I remember them maybe wearing Santa hats. Yes.

Yeah, and singing. And they sang Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in the special. I remember it very vividly. There was a thing where it was these bells that would hit themselves in the head with a hammer, and they played some Christmas song, and then there was Here We Come a Wassailing sung by dinosaurs.

It was a rich tapestry. Yeah. Was it sung by the TV series Dinosaurs? No, but I... Past guest Cliff Nesterhoff of Generation Exploitation has been doing on Twitter and on his blog a daily stream of every possible Christmas special that you could ever think of.

TV special. He put up a Price is Right Christmas special today. WKRP. That was one of my favorite all-time episodes. The Christmas special? Yeah. What happens on it? I don't even remember.

It just ends all very nicely. Of course. No one's alone. Dr. Johnny Fever gets a scotch. And I can't remember Lonnie Anderson wears this really fabulous dress.

Yeah. Yeah. She was quite a she was quite a I thought that's what I was going to look like when I grew up. When you were a little kid?

I was like all ladies are going to look like that. Yeah. I kind of felt like I would have big muscles. Yeah. And super tight trowel. Well, or more like a wrestling speedo. You thought you were going to grow up to be like Brutus the Barber Beefcake?

Yeah, maybe more of a Ricky the Dragon Steamboat. I always thought I'd be Asian. You know, all grown-ups are Asian. You know, all grown-ups are Asian. It seems like a lot of the... I was watching the other night. You know the comic strip BC? Yeah. They had a Christmas special.

An animated Christmas special? An animated Christmas special. But I was like, the essence of this does not work. It is literally in the title that this is before that is possible. Yeah. But I guess the guy who wrote BC, Cliff sent me like an addendum thing today. It was a hardcore, it was like a born again Christian guy. Oh, wow.

Maybe that's what BC stood for. Born again Christian? Yeah. Born again being one word. That's, yeah, a big conflict yeah with evolution and all yeah and yeah yeah and um yeah because he wouldn't believe in cavemen then would he uh the guy would he i don't know that cavemen are a scientific thing i think that's just like an umbrella term so you're telling me they didn't get around on one wheel scooters like in the thing

I'm not here to tell you that so this guy you're telling what you're not telling me is what you're implying is that ants and humans didn't have a symbiotic relationship before Christ I don't follow it that closely oh the beast of com

what about wizard of id no Hagar the horrible yes his wife was a wench um so we got we got way yeah i was wait i thought we were talking about me yeah sorry uh so you're horrible sorry uh your holiday times your tidings yeah of comfort and joy so So far, so good. I'm in the day where I realize I can't buy everybody a present, and they're not expecting it, which is a very hard time for me. You should just buy everybody those Olympic gloves that everybody's so excited about. Oh, damn it.

Yeah, somebody bought 28,000 at once. One person? Is that true? For a school board, I think. For the kids. For the rotten kids. Little stink butts. Yeah that true? For a school board, I think. Oh. For the kids. For the kids. Little stink butts. Yeah.

They're just going to lose them. Yeah. Although they come with idiot strings, don't they? No, they don't. Oh, they're just going to lose them. Yeah, but they'll just take, oh, I lost one glove. Take. Yeah.

Oh, that's true. Everyone else has the exact same gloves. That's true. Yeah. Good call. I bet you nobody thought about that. Yeah. Even though, you know the commercial? They probably should have just bought one pair of gloves for all Yeah, good call. I bet you nobody thought about that. Yeah. Even though, you know the commercial?

They probably should have just bought one pair of gloves for all 28,000 students. And just had like a relay. Yeah. The commercial where they were trying to sell those gloves obviously worked, right? You know the one where it's everybody's wearing the gloves? They're mittens. They're not gloves. Yeah.

And I don't recognize anybody in the commercial except the one from're mittens they're not gloves yeah and i don't recognize anybody in the commercial except the one from much music i do not know this commercial and why the only one that knows this commercial oh like everybody is holding them up so they look like a heart shape and then one of them is leah miller from she's great from so you think you can dance canada yeah and but she's the only famous one in there, so it seems out of place. Everybody else seems... Unless everybody else is famous and I just don't know. Or maybe they're like Canadian Olympic athletes, so they're not famous.

I think they mix in a few different people. They work at Home Depot? I think there's some newscasters as well. Some local ones thrown in that ad. Oh, really? Yeah. No. Like, not like national ones, like Ian Hanneman.

Right. You're thinking of a Tamara Taggart. I try not to. For any listeners that don't know Tamara Taggart, she did one day of guest hosting on the Regis and Kelly show. Right. So everyone knows her. Well, it was the pride of our nation, apparently,

because it was in the paper and national paper and stuff i used to work in yeltown and on hamilton street and a lot of local newscasters would shop in that area and they would act like celebrities like celebrities like oh like oh don't talk to me i'm like you're tamara? Yeah, I couldn't believe it. You know, I picture a store. I just wanted an autograph. That just has. Do you have a headshot in your car? Is that your natural hair color?

How do I get your hair color? I picture a store that just has stuff that would appeal exclusively to news anchors. Blazers. Yeah, blazers. Those things that flip on your microphone. Yeah, yeah. Like a mic that's the same color as your skin so you can wear it topless.

Disgusting. Disgusting. It's like a skin tag. Hairspray. Yeah, hairsprays. Hidden scotch hider. Yeah. Tabletop microphone.

Yeah, stuff for clothes in every color except the same green as the green screen. Hemorrhoid pillows. Yeah. A series of greeting cards that have headlines like, This just in, I love you. T-shirts that say, I'm getting a blowjob while I'm giving the news. Nobody knows it. Well, they wouldn't wear thatjob while I'm giving the news and nobody knows it. That's terrible. Well, they wouldn't wear that.

No. Well, under their shirt, they would. Yeah. That's what they'd have at the company Christmas party. Newly former broadcasting legend Tony Parsons. Yeah. In a pear tree. He just... Oh, right.

I was going to say, if he was in the show Veggie Tales, he would be Tony Parsnip. Right? Sure, yeah. Not bad. She went with a partridge joke. He retired yesterday. Yeah. Huge news here.

Local legend. Yeah. Yeah. And he apparently used to always have his dog at his feet. Oh, that's... Oh, really? Yeah. And also a hidden fireplace that you couldn't see sure yeah

he was the friendly giant he had a tiny rocking chair he um in a one-piece suede outfit did you watch their last that his last i missed that because they usually do like like the highlight reel of you know here he was when but if it's, if you haven't been at the same station that long, they can only go back so many years. So then it's like... I think he's been at that station for quite a number of years, though. Yeah, so they would have him like, Barack Obama! And then, I don't know what else happened before that.

I decided I wanted to name my crooked tooth Tusky. Tusky? Yeah. Yeah. Or how about just Tuscadero? No thanks. Okay,ky? Yeah. Or how about just Tuscadero? No thanks. How about Pinky Tuscadero? It's sort of pink.

Because of all the gums that aren't on it. Yeah. Pinky. I like it. All in favor? Aye. Aye. Boo. Sorry, the ayes have it. We get to name your tooth. Yeah, and it's Pinky. It's Tusky.

Pinky Tusky. So you're not able to buy presents for everybody. No, I bought a lot so far, though. So I'm doing really well. I had to stop from buying Abby a purple teapot today. Purple teapot? Yeah, she really likes purple. Yeah, she's a tempest.

She really likes tea. And likes tea. I keep looking at it. She's short and stout. She's got a handle, a spout. So yeah, but the holidays, they're almost over. There's lots of things

about the holidays that I like, but it is a grind. I work in retail. Yeah. People are quite grumpy. So there's the whole trying to cheer them up and I'm like, who cares?

Towards the end, I just kind of run out of steam. Yeah, I hear that. Yeah, so thanks for asking. Jesus. And then you're going to be one of the acts on the New Year's Eve show. I can't wait. It's the best way. I'm not a big fan of New Year's.

Nobody is. It's the worst. Really? Everyone seems so excited. And they're like, I don't wait. It's the best way. I'm not a big fan of New Year's. Nobody is. It's the worst. Really? Everyone seems so excited. And they're like, I don't like Christmas, but I love New Year's. Yeah, people who are dumb like New Year's. It's going to be such a good show. It's so much fun. That's kind of mean. What? People who are dumb like New Year's.

Do you disagree with that? Yeah, I agree with it, but it's mean to say. Yeah, it is mean to say. But you know what? Dumb people don't listen to this podcast, so they're never going to hear it. But people who listen to this podcast might like New Year's. No, they wouldn't. They're incompatible.

People who like this podcast can't possibly like New Year's. Like, they might like the fact that there's a new year. Yeah. They get a new calendar. Everybody likes that. January 1st is always a fun day yeah yeah yeah exactly you always get to uh sleep in yeah maybe you have a cup of coffee if you're a parson you wake up with your dog at your feet yep if you're a parson yeah tony or

otherwise yeah uh parsons is not plural it's just as What about Parson Brown? He's the guy. He's from Let It Snow? Oh, yeah. That's the joke I wanted to make. Oh, really? No. I just knew, hey. What's up? Nothing. Let's get to know someone else.

Okay. How about Dave? Well, last weekend, I attended a party, a Christmas party. I saw some photos. And it was... There um a dozen people there a bunch of my friends and then a couple people i didn't really know interlopers but they seem to know some people like one person one girl knew everyone but me and then she brought a friend who was new to everyone. Oh, okay.

Was she a hit or was she a flop? Well, let me tell you. Okay. We did a Yankee swap. What's that? Have you ever done it before? No. Okay, I will explain it.

It is like a Secret Santa, except you just buy something for anyone. You don't have a specific Secret santa all the gifts go in a pile and then you draw numbers and whoever picks the first gift picks it up opens it the second person can either steal that gift or choose to open another thing now does the person stealing the gift already know what the gift is or are they they stealing an anonymous box? No, no. As soon as you take a gift, you unwrap it. Okay, so I take it, I unwrap it. Oh, it's an iPod shuffle. And then

the next person... That's a great party. That is a great party. This is like if you were at, you know... Richie Rich's. Yeah, or Spencer's Pratt's place. Spencer Pratt's. It would be diapers. What? I don't know. He's like he has a lot.

But we, there was a $20 limit, so no iPod shuffles. I brought a pair of these recycled cardboard speakers that I found in a store that you just plug into your iPod. It seemed like a kind of a cool. Yeah, that's a very cool gift, Dave Shumkow. And then there was, so there was a pile of presents and abby brought uh like a magic kit yes yeah chris angel jr's magic right uh mind freak kit and so we uh we started the game and so you can go and basically if you're the first person in the game, you're getting screwed because you have to like you don't get to open another gift.

Like you just get stuck with unless someone steals from you. But if they steal from you, you get to steal from someone else. Oh, OK. So the girl that nobody knew, she got the first gift. She was number one in the pool. And so she picked up a gift and it was a lava lamp. Lava lamp? Lava lamp.

Wait, wait. Yeah, lava lamp. Yeah, she got a lava lamp and a set of shot glasses with X's and O's on it and a little board so you could play tic-tac-toe for drunks. So you're telling me a lava lamp and that cost under 20 bucks? I know. It was pretty amazing. I'm blowing the whistle on that. And my friend, past guest of the show, A.J. Bond.

Yep. All Christmas long, all winter long, all December long, all summer long, as Kid Rock would say. He's been talking about Scrooge. We need to watch Scrooged. Bill Murray, the Bill Murray classic. Yeah. But every time we go to a video store, it's out. Yeah. Obviously. And also

it's not the 80s, so it'd be pretty hard to find a copy at the conventional video store. But the... And so my friend simon he knew aj wanted this so he he bought it and wrapped it just in case like because he knew that aj would probably end up with it at the end of the night right in the flow of the game so that sounds like it's gonna hit so poorly so the game starts and this girl gets the lava lamp and the shot glasses. And then the next person goes and there's some tomfoolery, blah, blah, blah. Really fun game.

Usually there's a rule in the game that a gift can only be stolen three times and you can't steal something back immediately. Otherwise, you would just go back and forth. Right, right. But we made it... Very complex game. We made it so you could steal a gift as much as you wanted, so people would just have to give up. It was just a battle of wills. And so we went around, and the speakers that i gave got opened and a couple people stole

those back and forth and then scrooge got out scrooge got opened how excited was aj when it was when he made its debut i don't remember if he opened it but he certainly stole it a couple times yeah because that was one of the more hot properties how'd the speakers fare? They were pretty hot. They were a pretty hot property. I ain't bragging. I think I got a robot, a toy robot, and a little ceramic Japanese

or Chinese or dirty knees. Just dirty knees. Little cat or something. With a tiny cat. And so we're almost done. And then this girl who no one knows.

The asshole. I haven't made it clear that she's an asshole yet. I'm hoping. She says, oh, by the way, there's a rule where the first person gets to also go last. What? She just can't make a monopoly rule. I said that too, but everyone was trying to be polite. To the new person?

Yeah. She's got to try and fit in. We're nice people. On the surface. She's got to try to fit in. Yeah. So we're not done the game yet. Someone opens up a soup.

We're not done the game yet. Someone opens up a soup. Someone has brought a $4 Tetra Pak of organic soup. Wow. I think we know who it was. Well, you're right. Oh, no. Who wouldn't want that, though?

But it's all anonymous. So no one actually knows who gave what. But she smelled like soup. By the end of the night, we knew. She kept saying, oh, that soup looks good. Who brought the soup? That was expensive. It must have cost at least $20. We should try to trade for that. We should have that here tonight. Her stomach's growling the whole time.

Anyway. Good soup joke. So, finally, Anyway Good soup joke So finally Everyone's done She gets her turn Her second turn And she stands up And she takes Scrooged No

So basically She traded a $4 thing of soup At a fun game For Scrooged. So she is out. She is persona non gratis. Au gratin. But then AJ later stole Scrooged. While she wasn't paying attention. While she wasn't paying attention.

While she wasn't paying attention, he took the box, opened it up, carefully unsealed the sticker on the side, took the disc out, put the box back. Wow. Boom. So I guess what I'm doing this weekend, Scrooged party. I really do like that Scrooge. I may have never

seen it. There was the thing at work the editor needed a clip of people unwrapping things that were faking that they were excited about it for something he was editing. James Donison, who's a big fan of the podcast

has now listened to almost every episode. Gotta like James Donison, who's a big fan of the podcast, has now listened to almost every episode. I've got a wife, James Donison. Huh? Nothing? But he, so I was watching, I watched the thing of Scrooge where he, there's a scene where he goes, you know, Christmas past, and he's giving his girlfriend, his longtime girlfriend,

a set of knives, and she fakes that she loves it. She's like, oh, knives. It's so great. And he's very pleased with himself. And then future Scrooged, Bill Murray, who's watching it, is just like, those knives were so fantastic. Like, he hasn't learned the lesson at all. He's like, those were great knives. I could,

like a nice set of knives is pretty expensive. But isn't, wasn't that the old joke thing in like the 70s was like you'd be on a game show and you'd win the million dollars for a set of steak knives? Yeah.

And that was the... But I agree. Getting a nice knife is a really nice, lovely gift. Not in the body. No, not getting knifed.

Getting a nice knifing. So that was how we spread Christmas cheer in the body. No, not getting knifed. Getting a nice knifing. So that was how we spread Christmas cheer to a vagabond. If I look at the pictures, do you think I could pick her out? Oh, and afterwards we started calling her Krampus. Oh, really?

Nice. That was a good episode. That was very good. Well, she was certainly spreading the spirit of Krampus. Yeah, absolutely. I felt like I'd been stuffed in a sack and beaten. Graham, can we get to know you? Mm-hmm. This past weekend, usually around the Christmas time, comedians will have an opportunity to air their grievances around the Festivus

Bowl. You'll have an opportunity to do Christmas parties, usually quite a few. I mean, I get invited to a couple a year. That's it. And they're usually not the high level ones. They're usually quite low level. And this year, because of the recession, or maybe it's because of me. Maybe I shouldn't blame it on the recession.

But anyways, I got invited to one that somebody else turned down, and I stepped in at the last minute, which seems to be the best gig-getting way for me currently. And it was out in Surrey at a very nice golf course. And this company obviously had done quite well because they had a fancy watermelon that had been carved out with flowers. Yeah, yeah.

And food and stuff. And drinks and whatever. But this is the thing. It's always weird. As you they say oh we'll get you there it's uh the show will be at eight so get there at you know 7 30 or whatever yeah they're at 7 30 and like they're just eating and i'm like oh we're not we don't know we don't want to meet people. And they were very nice. Everybody was very nice. But you're basically like, remember when you were a kid and your parents would be like, dude, play your guitar. And then you'd have to play in front of all the rest.

That's what it feels like. Because you're on the same level and there's no spotlight. And you're just standing next to a podium. And they're grinning faces. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't feel like they want a performer you know like they didn't they they seemed okay with it and so like before the show the guy uh the guy who's booked us uh he says like oh you know if you want a kind of a thing to make fun of sure uh. Our boss is kind of a hippie guy. He's a real slut.

Yeah. He's having an affair right now. Nobody knows, but you can really get some laughs with it. No, he said like, he's like, he's kind of a hippie guy. And like, he's like, like he goes hiking barefoot and stuff. What? So yeah, like, so I was like, oh, okay. He's a parasite.

Yeah. So. A quirk. In his butt. So I was like, yeah, okay, I'll incorporate it. And actually, I think I started with a pretty good joke because it was at a golf course. And I said, okay, everybody, I mean, we're all at a golf course. So let me just ask you, how many people here have slept with Tiger Woods?

And everybody thought, oh, what a delightful way to start a show. That was the high watermark. Oh, no. And it never got back to that level for the rest of the time. And I talked about the guy's barefoot thing, and I was talking to the wrong guy for most of it. Everyone was like, how do you know that? Yeah, but he didn't acknowledge that it was the wrong guy, right? So I was like, hey do you know that? Yeah, but he didn't acknowledge that it was the wrong guy.

Right? So I was like, hey, your boss over here, you know, Johnny Barefoot or whatever. But nobody was like, it's the guy over there is the guy. Nobody corrected him. And the guy I thought it was was giving me the biggest stink face. Like, he was just like, I don't even think he worked for the company. The guy, I think it was his wife. He was just like, I don't even think he worked for the company.

It was his wife. He was wearing a tuxedo. He was handing out drinks to people. This guy's got a lot of drinks. He was just so angry. And then the only person who played along was the guy who's only been there for a week. So I was making all these jokes. I'm like,

this guy's probably the guy that does this and that. And everybody was like, I don't know. He's only been there for a week right and uh so i was making all these jokes i'm like this guy's probably the guy that does this and that and everybody was like i don't know we've been there for a week so my lack of preparedness with that watermelon oh boy was it edible yeah it was edible but no one ate it no it was just there to be pretty so that's how well that company's doing. Was it shaped like a shark mouth? No, it was shaped like it was cut out with beautiful flowers. And a shark was eating it. This shark

obsession is out of control. Oh, Alicia's obsessed with sharks. Not true. It's not an obsession. Why isn't it? I don't have a key chain. You have a locket. I wish I had a car shaped like a shark mouth. You have a locket and in the heart. You open it up, it's all teeth. There's one picture of you and one picture of a famous shark.

Yeah. Todd. Todd the shark. But like the one thing I wanted to, a couple of weeks ago, we had a podcast and we were talking about Krampus who you brought up through the power of your Yankee Swap story and I

a listener sent in a similar vein there's an Icelandic tradition where there's a bunch of they're called the Yule Lads in English had you ever heard of the Yule Lads before? of course not have you ever heard of the Yule Lads in English. Had you ever heard of the Yule Lads before? Of course not.

Have you ever heard of the Yule Lads? No, just Krampus. This is from, they sent a link to Wikipedia. So this could be all bunk. Right, but people say that, but nothing's ever fake on Wikipedia. Yeah, fair enough. This is the Yule Lads are said to come to town during the last 13 nights before Christmas, each staying for two weeks before departing.

So, wait, they come to town all together for 13 nights but stay for two weeks? Yeah, yeah, they all come together. Okay. And they all stay for two weeks. Okay. Like family. Sure. They're like a family.

Yeah, when you're here, you Like family. Sure. They're like a family. Yeah. When you're here, you're family. And then it says, below are the official 13 Yule Lads in the order they arrive and depart. Okay? Okay. Oh, see, okay. It tells you their arrival and their departure days. Oh, please.

Okay. So the Icelandic name of the first one is Stikjastur. Mm-hmm. English translation is Sheep Coat Clawed. Okay. English translation is sheep coat clawed. Okay. His description is harasses sheep but is impaired by his stiff pig legs.

You can only tease them. He arrives on December 12th and leaves on December 25th. Okay, I want 12 more of those. Do you really? Maybe not. All 25th. Okay, I want 12 more of those. Do you really? Maybe not. All of them. Okay, the next one is gilgigur, which is the English translation is gullygawk.

That's not a translation. It really isn't, hey? Description, hides in gullies waiting for an opportunity to sneak into the cow shed and steal milk. Oh, and gawk at the cows. I want to be that one. Much like any family member that comes. December 13th to December 26th. Okay, good.

Okay, do you want me to skip ahead? Do you want me to make a selection? Yeah, maybe you highlighted a few before you came. Please. Okay, how about this? The English translation of this is door slammer. Likes to slam doors. Especially during the night.

Will be in town between the dates of December 18th and December 31st. Who do these people work for? They work for themselves. They're like the A-team. They're like mercenaries. But they don't travel together. It's weird that they each come one night apart, but they

all stay for two weeks. Yeah, yeah. I know. Bizarre. Well, it's quite a busy season for where Iceland is. Well, what if that guy's a ghost? Door slammer? Yeah, door slammer. He might be a ghost. You're going to door slammer. Right, guys? Yeah, door slammer. He might be a ghost.

You're going to door slammer. Right, guys? Okay, this translation is askas likur, which is bowl licker. Bowl licker. Hides under beds waiting for someone to put down their askur,

a type of bowl with a lid used instead of dishes, which he then steals. So, mostly what these guys are doing in Iceland. Something that goes under the bed, is that a bedpan? And he's stealing a bedpan? Well, yeah, maybe. Do they not have a bowl? He's stealing a bowl full of poop. That's his role.

That's not what it says. It's implied. No one puts dishes under the bed unless it's a bedpan. Yeah, do they not have bedside tables? Alright, two more. Two more of the 13 Yule Lads. Sold. Door Sniffer. Same.

Has these Apex Twin songs? Has an abnormally large nose and a cute sense of smell, which he uses to locate Lafflebrow. Doesn't say what that is. I'm guessing it's some kind of bread. Possibly. December 22nd to January 4th. Stays right into the new year.

Oh, come on, buddy. What a way to start the new year. Oh, goodness. Oh, you showed up so late. I got door sniffer at my house. Oh, I can't come out on New Year's Eve. Door sniffer. That's. Oh, I can't come out on New Year's Eve. Door sniffer. That's one reason to go out. Yeah, I am definitely going out. Go to someone else's house and enjoy their Laugh-A-Bro.

And finally, Meat Hook. What do you think he does? Meat Hook. He kills you. Merry Christmas. Yeah. I think he tries to get meat to pay to have sex with him. Oh, like he's a meat hooker. Right. Oh, close. He uses a hook to get meat to pay to have sex with him. Like he's a meat hooker.

Right. Oh, close. He uses a hook to steal meat. Oh, okay. December 23rd to January 5th. So there you go. Happy Yule Lad season. Yeah, happy Icelandic Thanksgiving.

What a bunch of weirdos. That's weirder than Krampus. That's weirder than York. What was it? Schmutzli. Sch's weirder than Krampus or Schmooly. What was it? What? Schmooly. Schmooly or Black Peter was the other one. Or just Peter, you know, if you want to be politically correct.

Right, sure. But the Dutch don't want to be politically correct. That's true. They want to label you. And yeah, so there you go. That's just, that's my week summed up. Bombing at a corporate function shouldn't surprise me

that I don't get invited to many of them I rarely do well at them but you're so corporate yeah that's true you're such a sellout mmhmm

I wish I could sell out I've never been given the opportunity you just don't know how it's coming yeah I think I'm hoping it's coming

for all of us. Yeah. I mean, I've started making some ventriloquist dummies. Dunham style? Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Who's that at the door? Oh, look who it is! It's Bita Judaki! That's our friend!

Thank you for joining us at our winter chalet that we didn't mention earlier. Did we forget to mention that we're in a winter chalet? We like to holiday. It looks nice. What brings you to this neck of the woods, Bita? I don't know. I have something to read for you guys.

Oh, yeah? That's wonderful. Yeah. Oh, well, we appreciate all your holiday gifts. And cheer. Yeah. What is it that you have to eat? She's got nothing but cheer.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Okay, I have a diary entry from grade 10 when it was very dark. Yeah. It was a very moody time. Yeah. Okay, and it's from from you still sound pretty dark yeah when will this cloud lift stop i can't stop laughing okay it's um it's it's from

january it's from new year's okay january okay i'm gonna change the names in it because last time I said stupid things. On this podcast? Yeah. I remember editing them up. I love that episode. Okay. I'm going to start now. Okay. Everyone, steel yourselves. Okay. So, December 31st, 2004. Okay. It's actually January 1st, 2005. It's 6 a.m. I can't sleep. I'm thinking too much. I find that when I don't write in you, I can't get to sleep as fast as I'd like.

I find that when I don't write in you, I can't get to sleep as fast as I'd like. I feel so lame. It's grade 11. I'm 16. What did I do for New Year's? Did I go out with friends? What friends? Oh, my God.

Did I go somewhere cool? I would then have to be cool. No, I stayed home and I sewed. It actually wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. Sewing relaxes me. I like it. I wish I knew how to knit. I felt really lame for not partying.

But then I saw some people's MSN names. Watching a movie. Things like that. I'm so stupid. Okay, okay. Here it goes. Jenny is out. Probably doing coke. Or E with Jennifer

and Melissa and resident slut Casey. I don't get why Jennifer likes Casey so much. She's my definition of villain. She's horrible. She's such a failure.

Chloe's out with Robin and company. Chloe and Ashley bought mushrooms. Chloe might try them, she tells me. I don't really care anymore when people tell me of things they are thinking of doing. If put in the same

position, I'd probably do the same thing. So I don't know. I just don't care anymore. Let them do what they want. I'd do this... Oh, God. Okay. Okay, here we go. I'd do the same except not

be as fucked up and drugged as Chloe. I'm forgetting the names I'm making for these people. Oh, right. They're supposed to say the same people. She's really dirty and crusty. And I'm scared that if I ever touched her, she'd give me a sexually transmitted disease.

Yep. She's a very mean girl. Apparently, I was way meaner. But on the inside. What did I do last year oh yeah oh yeah Jennifer and Chloe came over

I hated them both it was horrible this morning okay that's all it says okay it's just the name. This morning, Sally and I went downtown and took pictures. It was fun. Tomorrow, there's a 50% off sale of Fabricland.

Full circle. So after voice lessons and a nap, that is where I'll be going. Okay, I'm going to go look at your books. That is my grade 10 self. Wow. All right? Yeah. I'm saying the truth.

Yeah. Whatever. Man, grade 10 was a tough year for you. The darkness was inside. Sounds like you got a lot of sewing done that year. I did. I did. I took a sewing class.

Just to get the anger out. Oh, my God. Well, that's that. Well, thank you for dropping by at the chalet. I'm going to get some hot chocolate. Yes. Oh, yeah. We'll serve it to you on your way out.

Yeah, on the balcony. Oh, yeah. We'll throw it to you You know, on your way out On the balcony We'll throw it at you But you have an elf meeting to get to An elf meeting to get to Staff meeting Well thank you Bita Thank you for stopping by Be careful of the timber wolves

Thanks Bye So long Over Timberwolves. Thanks. Bye! So long! Overheard. Okay, Overheard. That was nice of Bita to drop by. It was lovely.

Their Christmas tale of woe. Fabricville. Yeah, Fabricland. Was that it? Fabricville? Yeah, I think that's what it's called. I think it's called Fabricville. Yeah. Yeah, Fabricland. Was that it? Fabricville? Yeah, I think that's what it's called. I think it's called Fabricland. Fabricland? The one in Quebec is called Fabricville.

Well, I think she was from here at the time. Yeah, totally. Okay, overheards. We like always on the show to start with the guest. Now, explain what an overheard is. Oh, my apologies. An overheard is something perhaps you're in line somewhere, perhaps you're waiting to buy a ticket for a movie, and there's two people ahead of you

and they're yakking on back and forth and they say something that is priceless. This is the perfect forum for those hilarious things. Alicia. Yes, Graham. Do you have any overheards? I have at least one. Okay. Saga to us. This is a little while ago,

but I was sitting in a cafe beside my mother and daughter and I was reading the newspaper so they assumed I wasn't listening to their conversation. And the mother said something along the lines of, there's no reason why you're single.

You're an attractive young woman. I want you to meet John down at the video store. I think you should meet John. And the girl's like, well, he's the guy at the video store. How do you even know him? Well, he's studying to be a doctor. And I think that's great. And he's very nice.

And he comes from a large family. And he's a nice. And he comes from a large family. And he's a Paki. Jesus. And the daughter says, excuse me? And the mom says, he's from Pakistan. He's a Paki. And then the daughter says, mom, he's Pakistani. And she says, nope.

Everybody calls them Pakis. Everybody says it. And the daughter was so mortified. And at some point she convinces her mother and her mother's kind of embarrassed. But then to embarrass her daughter further, she says Paki three more times. It's terrible, but...

Oh, it's fantastic. Is there a chance he was a Pachyderm? He was a giant, lovely elephant. Yeah. There used to be a video chain in Calgary when I was growing up called Jumbo Video. And the emblem was a elephant. Pakistani guy. Yeah, Pakistani guy.

A fat Pakistani. It's terrible, but it was so funny because you could tell the mom really didn't know. Well, George Bush. George W. Bush didn't know. And this was long before George W. Bush came along. It was just a conversation between two people. He was in charge of the United States. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Dave?

All right. Now, do you guys know the airport code for the airport in Toronto, Pearson Airport? Why would you go there? It's freezing. I don't. Is it YYZ? I think, well, YYZ sounds like that. I think that's Calgary for some reason.

Yeah, YY, no, YYZ is right. Yeah, you're right. Okay. There's a Rush song about it. I only know that because it's in a video game. Because you love Rush. No, I don't. I don't.

Guys, please don't beat me up. Okay. Well, I was in a Whole Foods. Yes. Yeah, I know. I'm going to the nice buffets. I was in Whole Foods, and there was a woman in the produce section and she was on her cell phone and she was exasperated.

And she said, no, the letter Y, the letter Y, Zed. Not Y, YZ. Yeah. Y, YZ. Well, like she had had some kind of Abbott and Costello conversation. Why not? YYZ.

Very good. Whole Foods, right? Those people. It's a different class. I gotta start. I gotta take up my old hobby of tearing down the suggestions and stealing them and reading them

there's a big suggestion board at whole foods says uh you know uh your tarts are underwhelming or whatever you know please bring back coconut free this thing and it's the worst it's the worst whenever you're like oh it would really suck if global warming made Earth uninhabitable for humans. And then you read that and you're like, no, it wouldn't. This would be fine. If this is the class of humans that has decided to survive and multiply, then we're fine with letting global warming take them out. That's all I'm saying. Happy holidays, everybody. A couple of weeks ago, from my overheard,

there was a couple of dudes in a sports bar in Toronto talking about the one guy's gay cousin. I brought my gay cousin to a gay bar. You know, show him the ropes. These are the same guys. I told you, they were a fountain. This was the conversation that preceded the gay bar conversation from a couple of weeks ago uh so two guys the one guy says uh they're watching tv and uh the guy

points at the tv and goes that guy looks like gene simmons and his friend goes who and then his friend goes from the gene simmons show and his friend goes i don the Gene Simmons show. And his friend goes, I don't know it. And then his other friend says, you don't watch a lot of TV. And the one friend says, two and a half men. That show is great. And then the other friend says, yeah, I think all the time how I want my life to be like that show. And the one friend says, except for the kid.

And the guy says, yeah, and the other brother. Just want to wear golf shirts and shorts and have sex. Have you guys watched the Gene Simmons show lately? I love that Gene Simmons is now more famous for that. I don't know who this Gene Simmons guy is, but his family's hilarious. And they have all these home movies where they're hanging out with Kiss. There is almost zero correlation between him and Kiss anymore. He's like Kiss's agent.

Like, I bet if you showed that show to somebody who didn't know Kiss, you would assume that he was their greasy agent. I hope some... I don't hope. I can would assume that he was their greasy agent. I hope some... I don't hope. I can't wait for someone in Kiss to die. Wait, is that better than hoping? Not really. Not really. Because I can't wait to see how Gene Simmons

will capitalize on the death of Ace Frehley. I'm hoping it's Gene Simmons. I know, but that ruins my thing. Sorry, Dave. He can be second. All right. I know but that ruins my thing sorry Dave he can be second alright here's some overheards written in by listeners if anybody wants to write in to us it's stoppodcastingyourself

at gmail.com the first one comes to us from Joanna who I believe is our official American Joanna V the one who wrote the cookbook cooking from books. Cooking from books. I work at my local community center, which is right next to an elementary school.

The elementary school doesn't have its own gymnasium, but instead uses the one at the community center. So the other day as I was walking to the community center, a big group of third or fourth graders comes piling out into the gymnasium and crosses my path on the way back to their school. It was a small group at the very end of the line, one boy surrounded by two or three girls.

Just as I passed them, I heard one of the girls say to the boy, don't worry, except for superheroes, everyone knows that girls are stronger than boys. So pretty good. Don't worry. Yeah, don't worry. It happens to all the guys. Yeah, yeah.

We beat them all up. That's the first of many times you'll have that tone delivered. Right, right. Thank you, Joanna, for that. This is from Kevin in Chicago. My wife was just grading her first grader spelling test and laughed out loud when she saw this one. She passed it to me and we both thought you two might enjoy this.

Three of us. Look for the two words marked incorrect. The two misspelled words were supposed to be trip and trap. And you can see here he's got... and trap. And you can see here he's got... In order, the words are crab, drip, grin,

crip, grab, and crap. So the ones that are spelled wrong were crip and crap. Remember that duo of crip and crap? Yeah, they were the gang member and the giant piece of poo. Okay, now this is from a personal

favorite of mine, and I know of yours, Alicia, Vicky Van. Oh, goodness. What? What a talent. Vicky Van, a very talented, funny lady. Oh, Tim Basinger from Batman. Yeah, exactly. This is, this relates very much

to our passion for time travel I was just outside the Granville Island market when I saw a man on a cell phone walking towards me and as we passed each other all I heard of his phone conversation was god damn those tachyon rays he seemed really angry and since tachyon particles are hypothetical and mostly used to explain faster than light travel in science fiction i could only surmise that he was a a huge star trek fan b a theoretical physicist or c from the future and trying to figure out how to get back to his

timeline while drinking a latte on his way to the aqua bus what do you think i checked out yeah yeah oh really yeah too too complicated for you yes sir well i enjoyed it what do you think? I checked out. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Too complicated for you? Yes, sir. Well, I enjoyed it. What do you think? That's great. She can do no wrong. Correct.

Thanks for writing in. Moving on to the next. Good luck with Bruce Wayne. Vicki Vale. Good luck making it to the second Batman movie. Yeah, what happened to her? She just checked out, I guess. She checked out like me during that story yeah well i enjoyed the story but maybe i'm the only one that's that

obsessed with time travel i think you are i think we've proven that yeah all right well i'll be ready for when it happens okay not sure if this qualifies as an over ready for when it happens when the time travel apocalypse comes. Yeah. Okay, this is from Tanya. A few years ago, I bought a gingerbread house kit to build for the kids. A gingerbread house kit. Yeah. This is, you know, you go, the walls and roof are already constructed out of gingerbread.

And it comes with the icing and you just stick it together. And you'll have a smoke. It was really hard. And after several hours of cursing, sweating, and an abundance of wine, I ended up with a disgraceful looking gingerbread house. Well, maybe it isn't that easy. A couple weeks ago, my sister was at the store and noticed a lady buying two of the same kits. And she said to her, good luck with those. My sister had to go through a bottle of wine

just to finish one. The woman looked at her weird and said, oh, I don't need wine. I've got tea and Jesus. Tea and Jesus are the new Crip and Crap. From the makers of Crip and Crap. Tea and Jesus. I made some gingerbread cookies.

In all sorts of shapes. In all sorts of shapes, but no houses. Because that seems like a waste. Because it just sits out getting stale. I'd eat it. Yeah, just eat it. No, but eat it at any point. Yeah, don't bother making a house.

Just eat it. Just make three cookies. Four cookies and then eat those giant cookies. I remember there was one at our school. I think junior high. They made a giant one, like a mansion. She's like a dick. You were in a rich gingerbread neighborhood.

Yeah, so we only knew how to make mansions. And it was like a thing. It was on display. And then the day before we went off for school like everybody could eat it and i remember this one kid when they said okay everybody you can grab a piece of the gingerbread like ran up to it and punched his fist we just ripped off the roof did you say something about a dick? No, I am moving. Oh, man. How many more of these?

I recorded it after I said it. One more, one more, one more, one more. All right, this is from Lisa. She puts in brackets, sticky pants from Jersey. Oh, my goodness. See a doctor. I don't know if you have Boston markets in Vancouver, do we? We don't.

No, we don't. But we have Urban Fair, which is a similar. We have. We have been to places where there are Boston markets. Sure. Boston, for instance. Cape Cod. Anyways, they either have salads now or dirty urges to fulfill.

I'm not sure. I ordered the mashed potatoes. And there's a photo she sent that had a picture. And on the top of the bowl, it says, we're happy to freshly toss your salad. Oh, nice. Just ask. Now, for people who don't know what the sex term is, Alicia will describe it. No way.

The sex term is a Boston market. Yeah. You just gave her a Boston market. Do we have any called in? Yeah, we sure do. People, if you want to call in to us, our number is 206-339-8328. 206-339.

Cheat. Hi, guys. This is Summer from Seattle. And I have some overseen graffiti for y'all. And it's at the local coffee shop. And it says dream, plan accordingly but the first time I saw it

because it's carved vertically into the wall I thought it said dream play accordion alright thanks, love the show in brackets, Weird Al only dream, play accordion girls gotta dream either way, I believe in it

What was it? Plan accordingly? Yeah, I don't like that No, I like dream, play, accordion Somebody's dad wrote that What, dream, plan, accordion? Is that an old guy thing to say? Probably If you're gonna dream, you gotta go to college

But we can't afford it Get an accordion Make me some money. Former guest Jimmy Barnes. Yes. He's also on the New Year's show. Him and his jaunty

I don't know if he has the mustache anymore, but he looked Jaunty mustache. He looked unlike a lot of hipsters who will grow a mustache. He's a hipster

who looked good with a mustache. He did. He really did look good with a mustache. He's a handsome man. He is a handsome man. Anyways. Yeah, he's got a great beetle cut. Yeah.

Love him do. He called in with an overheard. Hey, Graham and Dave. Jamie Barnes here. Big fan of the show. Keep up the great work, guys. Calling in an overheard. I was in Vancouver the other day waiting for a friend

outside of a store clothing store and a couple guys standing outside talking and the one goes i'm sure you know the guy and the other guy goes so he's in a lot of movies and uh the guy goes back to him yeah he's the guy who's uncircumcised who looks kind of like Ethan Hawke. The guy who's uncircumcised who looks kind of like Ethan Hawke. Yeah, no idea. Oh, Skeet Ulrich.

Sure. The actor you're thinking of is Skeet Ulrich. It's not Ewan McGregor? Sorry. Oh, yeah. Yeah, his penis is uncircumcised. I don't remember, but he's the only actor I can think of young

that's been fully naked in a movie. The pillow book and then that movie where he's on a tugboat. But he's also naked in Trinspotting as well. So he's been naked in a lot of movies. Was Adrian Brody naked in anything? Not that he looks like Ethan Hawke. He was naked in the piano, wasn't he? Maybe the pianist.

Oh, I'm thinking of that movie. Holly Hunter. No, big. Harvey Keitel. Where they play the giant piano. I, I'm thinking of that movie. Holly Hunter. No, big. Harvey Keitel. Where they play the giant piano. Jimmy sounded nervous. Yeah, and he also said, I was hanging out in Vancouver where I live.

He also said he was waiting outside a clothing store for a friend. It was a girl, I assume. Oh, I hope so. Well, because if you're with a man, you go into a clothing store with him. Well, no, you don't. You try on clothes together. In a silly montage?

If I wanted to go buy a bow tie, would we go into the store together? We would. Yes. If it's a bow tie. But if it's a girl and she's going to get like some kind of girly French tickler. What's the underwear that goes up in ya?

In ya. Then you wait outside. One more. Hey Grandma Dave, this is Daniel in Seattle. I have an overheard for you. I was just at the grocery store and I overheard from one checkout lane over a young I was just at the grocery store, and I overheard from one checkout lane over a young guy was going to the checkout,

and the high school girl who was bagging his groceries sort of looked at what he had, and I heard her say, oh, looks like you're making pizza tonight. And I didn't hear what he said, but I'm assuming he said, yeah. And she goes, oh, fun. Well, hope you don't ruin it.

Because that's a person who speaks from a lot of ruined pizzas. Yeah. But also very rude. Very rude. Yeah. That's not even on the table. That's not something you can do as a pizza maker. I ruined a pizza recently.

Well, of course you can. But if you're the checkout lady, you shouldn't even bring it up. There's a checkout lady at Whole Foods in Vancouver. I won't name which one. The one we go to. Not the one we go to, actually.

A different one. And she's always telling customers about her most recent personal and emotional trauma and what medication she's on like it's been like seven or eight times i'm like oh it's really heavy it's like you have a nice day the people at whole foods seem pretty cool i think i yeah yeah like i'm i love it i've applied for a job there do you have to give a headshot no but you have to um you i think you have to really

really pitch yourself. Yeah, I think you have to be. I don't think either of us would get a job there. I would walk in carrying a bunch of plastic bags. I would walk in carrying a tray and fill it up with salad. We have one. Someone called twice, and it's not an overheard at all, but I'm going to play it. Okay.

Hey, guys. I'm just checking to see if this is the right number. I got an overheard. I'll call you in a minute oh my god okay okay so he set the stage he's gonna call us in a minute with his overheard yeah sure you ready for it yeah Hello, super rock. That sounds like the beginning of a nightmare. Holy shit. That sounds like, you know when Willy Wonka goes in that tunnel? Oh, yeah.

That's what it sounds like, yeah. Yeah, the Tim Burton movie, Planet of the Apes. Sure. Oh, Christ. Oh, well. Okay, well, so if you want to write in to us, any of your overheards, it's stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com. Or...

The com. The com. Or call us at 206-339-8328. Oh, is there someone at our door? There is. Oh, is there someone at our door? There is! Oh, come on in! Oh, look who it is! What?

Come in. Yeah, come into our winter chalet. It's past guest Caitlin Fontana. Thank you very much for coming by. That's me skating in. Figure skates. We wore skates all the way. It's me skating in. Figure skates. We wore skates all the way. It's a winter chalet that actually is iced.

It's all ice. All the way through. Yeah. It's a capade. Yeah. I just wear crampons to get around the house. Yeah. That's why we call you Krampus.

Yeah. Oh. Ooh. Yeah. We are very glad to have you Thank you, I'm very glad to be here Glad tidings of comfort in July Thank you

You can just say Christmas, I'm a Christmas Oh yeah, I know, but we have some Very easily offended listeners We have a large Kwanzaa base A Tet base to be rivaled By no other podcast The NAACP is on our ass um on our booty as they would say wait now i understand why they're on our ass um booty say it right okay sorry um now uh

you have something to share with us for the holiday season what what did you bring us for the holiday with a little bit of a holiday yeah oh i meant hollas day sure it's a sale at holly's bagels hollas days um did you bring something to celebrate the season i i did i i brought a tale um of not of well of temporary woe um and then like a lot of good temp woe and And then like a lot of good. Temp woe. Temp woe. And then like a lot of good Christmas tales, it ends happily. Ooh. Do tell. And I thought, you know, a lot of the people that come to see you, I would imagine, are

quite urban folk. Yeah. Maybe from cities. The NAACP. Yes, the NAACP. City mice. Yeah. City mice.

Yeah, I grew up a country mouse, so I thought maybe that would be a different perspective. Yeah, right? Ate a lot of grain from the barn. That's what country mice do, right? Cheese slices. Yes, but not the good cheese because they don't have those fancy stores where you can buy like just cheddar or actually like the singles, Kraft singles. Kraft makes a Swiss slice. Really?

I heard. I wouldn't know about that. Yeah, so when I was a kid, my father had horses. So we used to ride horses a lot and like sleigh at Christmas time. Really? Oh, yeah. The whole shebang. Really?

There was a neighborhood sleigh. My dad didn't organize a sleigh because he didn't particularly like children. Sure. But he did have, he had horses, and we used to, our favorite thing used to be, there was this one horse that was kind of crazy. Crazy horse? Called Rusty.

Crazy horse. I backed up Neil Young. Yeah. Played a mean guitar. And if you left him alone for like five minutes, tied up, he would be chewing anything in sight. And one time we came in and he was like chewing a poster off the wall of the barn you had posters up in the barn no the other horses put them

yeah yeah right secretariat things to aspire to in life my little pony for the little ones yeah yeah and uh logo a horse on top of a Lamborghini. It's like yours. Oh my. Yeah, no, don't be sorry. Please. I'm the one who brought up the poster. So I really opened it up.

I opened it up. And he also would eat leather, which is, if you ask me, kind of weird. He would eat his own lead and stuff like that. So this horse could not be used in any practical sort of way. So he became sort of the kid's horse that could just, you know, hang out with the kids. Oh, terrorizing. Yeah. Remember I said my dad didn't like kids.

So... He fit his own. Yes. So we had one of those awesome sleighs, like a plastic, you know, the round ones that are like a dish. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Flying saucer. Flying saucer. Flying saucer, thank you. That everybody

says is horrendous, but they're actually the best. They go so fast. That and magic carpets were pretty good. Yeah, or a garbage bag. Garbage bags. Yeah, also, like seriously, like lightning. Yeah, especially if you get in it. Just a chunk of plastic, anything. Yeah, yeah. If you get in a garbage bag and pull it tight,

then you can... Yeah, I've done it. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. If you get in a garbage bag and pull it tight, then you can. Yeah, I've done it. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. But I've also done a GT Snow Racer. Continue. Okay. Bragging. The moral of the story is those things they call toboggans don't really work.

So anyway, what we would do is we tie this disc. What is it called? You just said it. Flying saucer. Why can't I? Flying saucer. That's like one of the easiest things to to remember and I can't remember it. I may be making that up. I want to see

you forget it a third time. So we put the round thingy with the thingies. Plastic old round roundston. The roundy McRounderson. We tied ropes to the handle parts, the plastic handles, and we would just far enough away that you wouldn't get kicked, we'd tie

it to the horses like bridle. And then my sister and we would just, far enough away that you wouldn't get kicked, we'd tie it to the horses like bridle and then my sister and I would sit on the disc. See, I did forget it again. Flying saucer. Yes! It's a Christmas miracle! Holiday miracle. In between then and now there's been high school and pot consumption, so who knows. I don't know what that is. Yeah, no, me neither. So then what we would do is we'd get on the thing and we'd realize we'd have no momentum

and Rusty would just kind of stand there. So we'd have to find something around, like rock or something, and throw it at his butt. And then he would go crazy and start running. And it was the funnest thing ever because you would just run as fast and as far as you possibly could, like across a field, whatever.

And we would just fly on the flying saucer. Wow. Just across these fields and like bumping around and sailing up into the air. Or the fields you go laughing all the way. Indeed. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And it was awesome until it wasn't, as most things are. Because what happens in winter to a field that horses live on is all of the horse shit that's been there before solidifies into these like tiny mountains

of death basically so and you can't see them because under the snow there's this nice coating of fluffy snow and then there's ice death underneath so once we we sort of wait wait they're dead because they're they're sharp and pointy and awful. But not because they're poo. No, at that point, anything that sort of makes them poo gross has been solidified. Got it, got it. So, yeah, we'd done this like three or four times and it was super fun. And we were like, yeah, let's do it again. And this time we made two mistakes. My cousins were over and they were fatter than my sister and I.

The clumps. Yes. I don't know why that got a big laugh. It really did. It really did. Timing, timing, timing. Timing, timing. And my father and their mother were twins.

And so there was this really intense, you know, there's cousin rivalry already. And then there's this really intense, you know, there's cousin rivalry already. And then there's this really intense rivalry between them. Between us because we were more related than cousins usually are. Right. Because our parents were twins. Sure. Even though mine was a male and theirs was a female. Got it.

But they ended up with some... Farm living. They ended up with some fat genes. And we're like, no, no, it'll be fine. We'll all get on the saucer together. I'm wearing my fat jeans. Yeah. Are you?

Tis the season. Tis the season. Yeah. And it was just, yeah, we'd eaten dinner. There were so many factors involved here. We had that extra dinner weight. We thought it would work out. One of the cousins was a male and we were all in that age group where we didn't want

to be too close to him. Right. Right. Right. So there was all this momentum in different directions and weight throwing around so we get rusty going this time my dad slapped rusty on the ass dad was involved yeah dad was involved this time we're talking about a man who used to go to the garbage dump um and see bears when he was like a teenager he'd get drunk with his friends at the dump and they'd see a bear and

dare each other to go kick it in the ass. Yep. Yep. So, yeah. Bears love it. How many fingers does your dad have? Ten. Wow. Yeah, amazingly. Lots of scars, though, from punching various people in bars.

But he did kick a bear in the ass, too, by the way. Also, this is a total aside, but he had a video on America's Funny Some Videos. Oh, what? Where he got my Uncle Tony. They, he had a, this is a total aside, but he had a video on America's Funniest Home Videos. Oh, what? Where he got my Uncle Tony, they're Italian as well, so there's that factor. He got my Uncle Tony to lie on the ground and took my cousin's golf, plastic golf

set, you remember those like big, like the big plastic, like. For kids? For kids. And the big ball, and he put the ball on my Uncle Tony's mouth. I don't know how you can do this. And then tried to shoot the ball off of my Uncle Tony, and of course just hurt him. Just hit him in the face. And that was on America's Funniest Home Videos.

Can you imagine the Bob Saget soundtrack for that one? I think it was something along the lines of, this is a good idea. Boya-yoing. Boya-yoing, yeah. So anyway, he hit the horse on the ass the horse just took off and the weight was all wrong and everything was horrendous and uh i saw it before it happened there's like this mountain of just like the biggest mountain of horse shit you could

imagine i don't know it was like a target spot or one particular horse having a bad day or something and just rusty went right for it. And I saw it coming. Like I can still picture it to this day, just this like speed. And we weren't even enjoying ourselves. It was like, you know, when you're like, you're so terrified, you're quiet. Like that kind of thing. And I saw it coming and it hit the sled and the saucer kind of went off to one side at the same time, completely shearing in two.

Whoa. Oh, my God. It was amazing. And my cousin and I went one way, my sister and my other cousin went another way, and we just, like, rolled, beyond rolled, like, action movie style. So far across the field in different directions. Wow. And Rusty flipped out because all of a sudden everything had changed, right? All the weight was gone from the fatties. directions and rusty flipped out because all of a sudden everything had changed right and he

started bucking and like slipping on the ice and rusty fell and we all fell and we're all crying because we're all like 10 and my dad's like running around trying to figure out what to do yeah trying to help rusty uh and and my cousin actually ripped a hole in his butt. Wait, of his pants? No, like the skin of the flesh of his ass. Oh, okay. He ripped it quick. Yeah, and we had to go to the hospital, and it was just horrendous. And he had to explain, like,

and what cut this? Like, frozen horse shit, basically, cut this. Wow. Frozen horse shit cut my butt. Yeah, and in the end everything was okay. We had another meal and it's like a family story that we tell every Christmas.

How did that one cousin turn out? Has he got mental problems? No. You know what? He got his identity stolen earlier this year but I don't think that that's related. Someone just got the Christmas letter. Yeah.

Wow. So there you go. That is a great story. Country mouse story for you guys. Yeah, thanks, country mouse. Thank you, country mouse. That's fantastic. I'm going to put my pork pie hat back on and head on my merry way.

All right. You can put some more cookies in my bindle before I go. Wait a minute. She didn't have a pork pie hatle before I go. Wait a minute. She didn't have a pork pie hat when she came in. Or an accent. She stole our accent. Well, be careful out there.

There's a lot of frozen horse poo. And though you know the dangers of it, still be careful on your merry way. OK, I will. Well, thank you for joining us. Sure, I'm going to put my skates back on. OK. We'll wait. Be careful on your very way. Okay, I will. Well, thank you for joining us. Sure, I'm going to put my skates back on. Okay. We'll wait. Was that skating?

Or is that you tying your laces? That's me skating. Okay. Well, off you go, then. Thanks for having us. Bye. Bye. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Well, thanks to Caitlin for dropping by. What a sweet lady. And I think in the spirit of the season We should do our annual exchange of gifts Yeah and this year Unlike last year Last year we did a secret Santa thing I was your secret Santa

You were mine We should have done the Yankee swap Or the Harlem shuffle This year I thought it would be neat If we, you know, something that happens at Christmas often is people will donate money in your name to a charitable organization. And I said to Dave, let's see if we can't find a famous celebrity organization. You said find the dumbest charity you can find. And I think we both

went the celebrity route. Yeah, because my example that I gave was if there was something like if 50 Cent had a charity called Fitty's Kids. Did you look up 50 Cent? No, he doesn't have one. No, no, he does. Oh, does he? G-Unity.

Really? Yes, he does. Oh man, I wish I gave to G-Unity No I didn't give to that And I also gave in And I actually did this I actually went on and donated money In both your name Dave And your name Alicia

And I'm about to do the same I wanted to double check That we didn't have the same charity In my pursuit I found my favorite one that I found, but it turns out the website has since dissolved, was called Lil Kim Cares. But when you went to the link, the website was just a domain for sale.

Oh my goodness. It ended up not being something that I could. She no longer cares. And also my second runner up to that was the Black Eyed Peas Foundation, which had changed its name just recently to Peapods. Oh, nice. And so I didn't really, they didn't carry the same cachet as if it was the Black Eyed Peas Foundation.

they didn't carry the same cachet as if it was the Black Eyed Peas Foundation. So for Alicia, I donated to the Mr. Holland's Opus Foundation. What do they do? They give instruments to children. And the way that I found it was it was the preferred organization recommended by the band Kiss. So that, there you go, that's your name. Oh, thank you, Graham. That is so thoughtful. Yeah, so that's on behalf of

Alicia Tobin is a donation made to the Mr. Holland's Opus Foundation. And Dave, for you, I donated in your name to the Emeril Lagasse Foundation. Does Mario Batali donate to that?

Yeah, that was one of his favorite. When I looked up Emeril Lagasse, then I saw Mario Batali was on his roster. He donates Crocs. Yeah. Crocs and hair ties. I think we went to the same website. I think we did. So there you go.

There's the proof that I actually did donate to you. Well, I, oh my God, I spent a couple of hours at this website. It's called Look to the Stars. Look to the Stars. Yeah. Out of the mouths of babes. Look to the Stars. called look to the stars to the stars yeah out of the mouths of babes look to the stars uh and they uh tell you every celebrity who who has a foundation and what they do or what they support

and these are the ones i didn't donate to and a lot of celebrities just supported like real things like real oh yeah the other one was uh fr Fran Drescher's Cancer Schmancer was another one. Yeah, Cancer Schmancer. How can you choose? There was one called the Guacamole Fun that's supported by Ben Harper and Bonnie Raitt.

That's Alicia laughing in case you're wondering what that noise is. It's horrific. Oh, lordy. There is the Ludacris Foundation. For crazy kids. Which is kids with crazy ideas.

Committed to helping youth help themselves. Sure. There's an organization called one laptop per child oh god we're just trying to limit the amount of laptops that kids get we have to block these laptops there was a yaoming foundation sure giant. Yeah, that wasn't funny, except that there was a misspelling in the literature for it. And they said that it was started after China suffered a devastating earthquake. From that mutant duck. David Letterman has a foundation called the American Foundation for Courtesy and Grooming which is a great thing

is that a real thing? yeah and it just gives money to I think mostly Indianapolis based schools and organizations for courtesy and grooming wow I know pretty cool can that become our official charity that we align ourselves with? sure

David Letterman Foundation for Courtesy and Grooming. Thumbs down? What does Alicia like? She wants to keep money out of Indiana. What about the Ludacris? I thought it would be funny if the Ludacris kids had really big hands. For the swollen hands.

There was the Boost Mobile Rock Court. Oh sure, okay. um there was the the boost mobile rock court oh sure okay all right uh there was from the ground up with both from and thus misspelled which is equipping america's youth with the tools essential for achieving success on all levels uh but you don't need to know how to spell that's not one of the no spell check um let's one spell check per child the tamiko fraser goddess gathering what who's tamiko she's a model i was gonna say a male model but she's clearly a female model uh there was the will and Jada Smith Family Foundation. But that's only for their son?

Yeah, it's for their family. We want to make more movies with our dumb kid. And more Just the Two of Us videos. There used to be the Kanye West Foundation, but he's since renamed it after his mother. Oh. But it's devoted to combating school dropout rates. But he dropped out and became very successful. Yeah, he glorifies nothing but dropping out.

I think he felt... Yeah. He felt bad about that? I think it was a big bone of contention. Okay, so the two I narrowed it down to. I love these because most of them are a celebrity's name and then the word foundation. Yes. But these two are a celebrity's name and a different word.

Oh, here we go. So the one I wanted to give to was the Macy Gray Music Academy. But their website didn't seem to be equipped to accept donations so what i gave oh what i'm going to give to is the gina davis institute i wanted to go there after high school i bet uh they're working to ensure gender balance among children's roles in the media. Wow. Because apparently there's too many little boys getting roles that little girls could get.

Yeah, and also too many fat little kids with too many roles. Oh, good. So Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to all of you. Sorry I said that thing under my breath. I apologize. That's alright. You guys have the pictures of dicks.

Graffitis. Dicks all over the room. Every guest draws a picture of a dick. The fire is toasty. And the chestnuts are roasty. Maybe next time we should get one that has a space for press. Yeah, agreed.

Yeah, because it's been weird sitting on this bed with you guys. Yeah, well. It's a water bed. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Thank you very much. Thanks for everything. There's someone at the door?

Oh, one last guest. Oh, goodness. Who could it be? Oh, it's our good friends, the Knights of the Night. Hello. Hello to thee. I saw you guys were tying up your horses outside. Not sexually.

Yes. It is frosty outside, is it not, Sir Kenneth? It is very cold, Sir Emeth. Yes, it is we, the Knights of the Night. We were just in the neighborhood. Thought we'd drop in. Raconteurs in coats of mail. Mm-hmm. Whispering lullabies to the slumbering chaste and true neighborhood. Thought we'd drop in. Raconteurs and coats of mail.

Whispering lullabies to the slumbering chaste and true as we slay pernicious apparitions. We're singers. Well, thanks for dropping by. What brings you to this neck of the woods? Well, I've... This is a surprise to Sir Emeth, but I've got a gift.

I just found it in my pants. It's a key to the Emeth, but I've got a gift. I just found it in my pants. It's a key to the Delta Sun Peaks. Oh, well. Room 450. Neat. Oh, well. Merry Christmas to all of us. How festive. I come on this Yuletide themed

eve, but to bring a message. We are here on a crusade to let all know about Santa, the Crimson Warlock in the Frozen North, who long ago

wrote a sacred pact to ensnare all the young children. Which was a surprise to me. As you do love Santa himself. I've been a big fan of Santa. Gentlemen, may we impart unto thee a tale, a sacred writ,

known as the Fa-la-la-la-la. Sure. Well, I really wish you would. Yeah, it won't take long, will it? About four and a half minutes. Four and a half minutes. Okay. We have four and a half minutes at least.

And thanks again for the Delta card. You're welcome. I think that was for each other. Oh. Wasn't it? No, that's for you guys. Oh, neat. Oh, yeah, that was for us. Okay, neat.

From the both of them. Oh, okay. Because Ken gave it. Kenneth gave it to us. And it was confusing. It was confusing. Yeah. Yeah.

But thank you all the same. Yeah. And let's hear your message. Yeah, let's hear your minstrel. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Good sake, Nick. In the winter black of a northern pole, only death survives in the inky cold. Defrost your eyes and spark your ears, you'll be surprised what you see and hear.

An orange flame and an iron clash. It's the Elven Forge of Saint Nicholas. The reigning deer froth at the bit As the crimson lord recounts the writ Written from an age long gone When the elves weren't slaves and the deer were farms To tame a land from prince to peasant Bearded big brother and his all-seeing presence When the contract's signed and the piper's pie

You must abide by the follow You go down with the ship, you're on the list Caught in the grip of Santa's claws Surrounded by immaculate snow Demanding pureness wherever he goes The warlock rides the frozen wind Manufacturing joy to the good children Bribe the bairns and snare their greed Entrap their conscience beneath a gilded tree

When the contract's signed and the piper's pied In track, their conscience beneath a gilded tree When the contract's signed and the piper's pied You must abide by the fa-la-la-la-law You go down with the ship, you're on the list Caught in the grip of Santa's claws Ho ho ho! Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho

Ho Ho Ho Oh God, no, he's coming to town. Santa Claus is coming To fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Santa Claus is coming to Fa la la la la la la la Ah, ah Mantle the gallows, the socks are hung A sacrifice to the scarlet one Close your eyes when midnight strikes The law is in effect tonight To stoke the forge who will pay the toll Just pray the gift Nick gives you isn't cold When the contract's signed and the piper's pied You must abide by the fa-la-la-la-la

You go down with the ship, you're on the list. Caught in the grip of Santa's claws. When the Piper's pie and the contract sign, you must abide by the fa-la-la-la-la. You go down with the ship, you're on the list. Caught in the grip of Santa's claws. Fa-la-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la-la, And to all a good Nights of the Night Well I'm terrified.

Yeah, I... I had no idea. Yeah, he seems like a real bad guy. I thought Krampus was bad. This guy's way worse. Thanks so much, you knights of the night. You're welcome, you guys. We have to go and continue spreading the word of... Mr. Saint Nick.

Mm-hmm. You guys look like you're dressed for a crusade. It's warm outside. Yes, and I think Santa's mustache outside is getting cold. Santa's mustache, that's your horse? That's the horse's name. That's the horse's name. Okay.

All right, well. Sir Kenneth takes forever finding his because it's white and the snow. Oh, right. It's a stupid choice of colors for a horse. You should paint it. That's a smart idea. Yeah, like you do with a turtle. You put paint it. That's a smart idea. Yeah, like you do with a turtle. Or put like a flag on it.

So like a really tall orange flag that you would... I branded reflectors into Santa's mustache. Papa's mustache. I established that. You said Santa. Well, the point is, it's been a delight to have you. Fare thee well.

Enjoy your weekend at Sun Peaks Delta Lodge. Thank you. Thank you again. Happy holidays, nights of the night. Goodbye. What a delight. Huh? I know.

Super. Them nights. They really rocked us to our very core. Yeah, I hope the neighbors don't complain. Things have really changed in Christmas carols. What's that? Things have really changed in Christmas caroling. Yeah, it's true.

That was high tech yeah Santa used to be a nice guy yeah well I blame Krampus everybody out there thank you so much

for listening through the year we're hoping to record another episode before the end of 2000 ought 9

if you enjoyed the show, do check out our website, StopPodcastingYourself.com. We have a forum, both discussing episodes of the podcast and whatever else. It's a place where people can just come.

It's a place for friends. All three of us are going to be appearing New Year's Eve at the Cambrian Hall. 15 of your Earth dollars. And it's at Main and 17th. And it's going to be great.

It's going to be the best money you can spend on New Year's Eve. We're not making a dime off this. And it's not going to be shitty. It's not going to be a bunch of douches hanging out with you know, hey, ooh, a jewel fell off my Ed Hardy shirt none of that

I thought that it's gonna be all Ed Hardy shirts it's gonna be a jewel fell off my glasses that look like 2010 ooh how are they gonna do that

I guess the one in the middle well the zero yeah the one's gonna be it'll be fine don't worry they're working out but thank you everybody

for listening and if you enjoyed the podcast please tell your friends if you want to reach us it's stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com if you enjoyed the podcast, please tell your friends. If you want to reach us, it's stoppodcastyourselfatgmail.com or you can phone us, 206-339-8328.

And yeah, like I said, tell your friends and come on back here for possibly the last show of 2009 here on Stop Podcasting Yourself.