Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 937 - Mark Little

Episode Date: March 3, 2026

Comedian Mark Little returns to talk dungeons & dragons & dogs, a wallet update, and kid comedy. Follow us: Instagram, Facebook, Bluesky. Join our Discord.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka And he's Graham Clark And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself Welcome to episode number 937 of Stop Podcasting Yourself My name's Graham Clark And with me as always is a man with a plan From Iran Mr. Dave Shumka

Yeah, I'm out of there now though Just a man with the plan Just a man with a plan And I really don't want to talk about the plan It's kind of gross Yeah, I'm gonna do some gross stuff. Oh, yeah?

To some people. Oh, cool. Oh, God, don't isolate that way if I ever get caught doing gross stuff to people. He tried to warn you. Believe people when they tell you they are. The Simpsons predicted it. Our guest today, a returning guest to the podcast, he's a comedian, he's a writer, he's an improviser.

He's a multi-hyphenate. He has a new podcast coming out called Nightmare Party. Nightmare Party. It's Mark Little. Hello. How are you? I'm good. I'm good.

I'm a Mon. From a, with a plan, from Iran. Are we pronouncing Iran wrong? Maybe. It's all right. I'm pronouncing man, man. And plan. It's great to be here.

Yeah, it's great to have you. Now, Graham, he told you the name Nightmare Party before the show. Do you think you've gotten better or worse at retaining a little bits of information? Oh, I'm absolutely getting worse. But like, were you ever any good? Eh, not really. But, you know, it's getting worse all the time. As you get older and your brain becomes more decreed.

Rapid, right guys? Yeah, oh yeah, my brain's bad. Yeah, it did start great, and it's even worse now. Oh, no. I know. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us.

My brain is like Swiss cheese because it's full of holes, but those holes were, right? They're actually bubbles. Mm. Yes, from the process of thinking. Making a brain. Mark, it's been years and years. We haven't seen you in person in nine years. And you...

No, no, we saw you in person in 20... In studio in person in nine years. Nine years. Since then, you've been... You moved, you skipped out of the country. Now you live in New York City. Yeah. How's it going?

It's going all right. It's a tough town. It's a tough town. The rumors are true. Are you... What's the only in New York? What's your only in New York moment? You see a rat?

Oh my God. Well, I see rats all of the time. I see them here. I'm seeing them now. It's like when you play too much Tetris. I close my eyes and see rats. No, I'll tell you this. Now, I'll tell you this.

The rats there. And you're like a Johnny two times style of character at this point. The rats there are big. Yeah. How big are they? Now, let me tell you, the rats there are big. How big though? Well, I saw a rat so big.

That what? There was a guy on its head pulling its hair, teaching it how to cook. Good. Manitui. Yeah, Manitoui. Yeah, there's a... How long have you been in New York? I've been there for three years.

Only in New York. Only in New York. I will say this. The first six months were like a descent into... Psychological hell. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it got better after that. But boy, oh, boy, it's isolating.

Yeah, I've heard that it's lonely. You have to work your way into the theater. I'm going to be so lonely. You're always surrounded. That's true, but isn't that the loneliest of all? You are, you doing a lot of stand-up there? Yeah, oh, I'm trying to. I'm doing a lot of improv.

Okay. At the UCB theater. Is that fun? It is fun. Yeah? Yeah, it's really fun. Are you like a part of a weekly show, or do you just drop in whenever you can? Part of a weekly show, part of the Herald night, which means for you improv heads.

Go on. This is very, what? No, do you tell us. Yeah. We do a Herald, I would say three, two to four times a month. Okay. So on average, three times a month. And for people who aren't improv heads.

What's a Herald? The Herald is like your basic long form structure where it's very, traditionally it's very strict. You do an opening. Yeah. Then you do three beats. three little scenes that have to have a game of the scene. Perhaps you've heard of the game of the scene.

Well, it's basically just the joke that you repeat almost like in a sketch. Okay. It's like the thing that keeps happening, but it gets more and more every time. This is good. Yeah, this is, I don't know improv from anything. You've done improv.

I did improv in high school. My daughter's doing improv class now, and she's nine, and I was like, I was so excited. that she wanted to do it because I didn't know it existed when I was nine. Yeah, me neither.

Where's she doing it? None of anyone's business. UCB Canada. I'm going to docks your daughter. There's plenty of places to do it around town. Cool. She's just dropping in. Just dropping in some for some sessions.

Did you do it when you were a teenager? Yeah, I did it at the high school for the Canadian improv game. Yeah, like many of our friends. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then like, I assume you did that first. And then you got in disdain.

stand up later. Yes, yes. And you're, and you're writer, you've written movies, you've written TV shows. You're, you're,

you're just, you're such a, Mark, we're just big fans. We're just big fans. Let us gush. Look at this. Yeah.

Well, because you were such a, uh, like, there was a time, I remember there was a time in, uh, if you were watching, this was maybe in the late 2000s,

late aughts. And if you turned down the Canadian, um, comedy network, there were three commercials with you in them. And two of them were promos. One was for your comedy now. One was for Picnic Face and one was just, I forget, you were in some commercial.

Yeah. Probably a Telas commercial. Yeah, probably. If you watch that, if you can somehow find that commercial, you'll see why I never got cast in another commercial. Why? What happens? My hands are troubling. Just the hands of a man who does not feel comfortable on camera somehow, at least not in that context.

But then you went on, you start in TV, you've, and then a bell commercial since the camera. Yeah. You did, we were big fans of your podcast with Jackie Piroko. Oh, I love doing that. And then you left the country and then suddenly, you're doing sketches on your social media? Yeah. And they're fun and great. Yeah.

And then, oh, you do a little improv with Christian. He knows your whole. Yeah. He knows your whole cat. Yeah. Just a big fan. Oh. Thanks, Dave.

But what I really want to talk to you about is the crisis in the Middle East. Yeah. Anyway. Do you miss living in Canada at all? Are you like, Yeah. Yeah? You're kidding.

I don't know. New York's New York. I've had a bad leg for a year. I can't. I can't get it fixed. I'm like a walking, talking advertisement for Canadian health care. What are you doing? You got a...

UCB doesn't have a good plan for the Herald team. They just keep... telling me to riff it out. Riff it off, yes. Here's a suggestion. Walk it off, buddy. Yeah. But it's no, I mean, I don't know.

I'll get used to it, but it really is just like, it's, you leave all of your friends. Yeah. It is really hard to leave all of your friends. You've made a bunch of friends in New York. I've made some, yeah. Yeah. How many?

Two, one rat. The other one? Yeah. I've been less said about them. Yeah. Well, it's nice to have you back. When's the last time you're in Vancouver? I know that you have a sibling that lives out in the West, and you and I had our picture taken with the same Santa Claus on this island.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Because my in-laws live there as well. Wow. And he was a good Santa Claus. Yeah. Yeah. Are you purposely not naming the island because you two are worried about doxing your in-laws?

No. but I'm worried about doxing your family. I'm worried about doxing Santa. Well, I'm going to say it. Go ahead. Salt Spring Island. It's a beautiful little place. And yeah, my sister moved out there with her husband and now they're two kids.

And then my parents followed them out there. So now my entire family. Oh, you know your parents are out there. Yeah. Were your parents in New West before? They were in New West and then they were on Bowen Island. Oh. Briefly in Yale.

They're island hopping like the U.S. Navy during World War II. He's going to try and work in as many battles as possible. Yeah, and that is how they think of it. They were from Bowen Island to Midway Island and they're back on Salt Spring. Now, Salt Spring, do they ever see Rafi around there? Yeah, I saw Rafi around Christmas time. He was playing a little children's concert in the local library. For real?

Yeah, I peered in. Yeah. But then I realized I was the only kind of middle-aged man peering in. Yeah, so you went and gathered a couple more. Guys, it's going to posse up. But those guys just wanted to They wanted stage time They kept pacing

And asking when's he done I don't want to go on after Raffy I got a shitty song about a rat Does Raffy do at Christmas Does he do like Christmas beluga Christmas banana phone Missile phone? Yeah like when

What is it BTO did taking care of Christmas Remember this song? No Oh you don't remember this song? No no Oh it's my favorite song So you remember taking care of business Of course

Of course So they did their own cover taking care of Christmas. Why is it that so many... We can spoof ourselves. We'll get... Why should we let Weird Al get all the money? Yeah.

Why so many musicians do Christmas albums? I think it's just money grab. Right? Yeah. But why do people buy Christmas albums from like Twisted Sister or... Do they have one? They do, yeah. Really?

Yeah, we're not going to shake it. It's about not finding out what your presents are the day before Christmas. Oh, my, oh my. It was the last album they put out. Is this really? Is this real? We're not going to shake it? No, I made that one.

That's really quick, Dave. I want to rock. It's about, well, that's actually a Halloween song for the Peanuts cake. I want a star game. There we go. I'll tell you why they buy them because it's fun. Actually, it's a terrible thing to buy. Buying a Christmas album?

Yeah. If you, like, in your mind, you're like, oh, maybe I'll give it to someone else as a gift. And then they can't listen to it for 11 months. Yeah, exactly. It's illegal. I have two thoughts on Christmas. So first of all, taking care of Christmas. This is my favorite aspect of it.

And I think I'm remembering this, right? Because they only change so many lyrics. So the lyric is still, taken care of Christmas, every day. Every day. Once a year. It's only once, buddy. But here's my favorite type of Christmas Carol is the...

Is it about Santa? See, maybe that is it. And maybe he is kind of taken care of it. Because he's definitely working overtime that one day or. Yeah. Work out. Yeah. Working overtime.

What is it? What is it? He doesn't say workout, but he says something. Hail Satan. And then they go, no, no way. Sorry. Sorry. Anyway.

My favorite kind of Christmas. So have you guys seen the movie Jack Frost? Which one? Michael Keaton? Michael Keaton. Because there's a horror movie as well. Well, this one kind of has horror elements. I've seen them.

It is the body horror of a snowman becoming a dad with flexible stick arms. And he also wears... Did he become a dad? A snowman becoming a dad or a dad becoming a dad? No, he has a snowman becoming a father. I said what I said. He has a special jazz hat. It's okay, baby.

I'll pull out. So, yeah, so this is the beginning of Jack Frost is a blues rock band. Yeah. Fronted by Michael Keaton with a little hat on. Yeah. And they're playing a groovy cover of Frosty the Snowman. And it's one of those ones, this is the kind of Christmas Carol that comes on. It kind of makes my skin crawl because there are a few of them.

But it's like, come on, Frosty! Let's go! Oh! Kind of like trying to make a Christmas Carol cool. Yeah. Really difficult to do. Yeah, but he was successful. And that's why we all love it.

Yeah. And if you look in the audience of the Jack Frost, you see Paul L. Tompkins. No. Yep. Because it was made by one of the Mr. Show directors. Really? So you very briefly see Paul F. Tompkins going, yeah. Worth the price of admission.

I feel like I heard someone else was originally going to be cast as Michael Keaton's role. But I can't remember who was. Do you mind if I look it up? No. Lawrence Olivier. Wow. That would have been good. In his final role.

George Clooney was originally set to star as Jack Frost and Jim Henson's Creature Shop made the character look like Clooney before Clooney left the project. Give him that Caesar hairdo. And Sam Ramey was originally attached to direct. Oh, now that would have been. But when Clooney dropped out, he dropped out. See, now that, Sam Ramey would have made that movie. Frigin' good. Yeah, it was, I mean, it's not as bad as I would think that that movie would be.

It's not good. It's not good. They definitely, like, were able to get Michael Keaton because I feel like that was a low point in his career. Right? Like, I think, like, remember there was kind of a dip in Michael Keaton's career? Oh, yeah. There was, yeah, multiplicity. and...

I loved multiplicity. Multiplicity was, yeah, he was still riding high, but he was kind of starting to... Because he was the king of the 80s and the mid-90s. Yeah. Well, what was his mid-90s? Well, he had the Batman's.

That's right. Or Batman Returns, I guess, was 90s. Yeah. And he, what else? He had, like... I remember going to a movie of his with a girl when I was in junior high, and I think it was called Speechless,

and I think it was him and Gina Davis. Oh, and it was based on those two, speech writers like James Carville and his wife I forget. The Quentin writers? I think so. Yeah, they played writers that were on the different sides of the political spectrum and somehow they ended up together. Yeah. It was, it was only there, I was only there to make out, you know? And did you? Oh, you bet you. Shish, shush, shish, I'm watching. I didn't expect this to be so engaging.

Making out of a movie about political speechwriters is so funny. Just the driest. I don't think I ever made out in a movie, and I don't think I've witnessed making out in a movie. Oh, I've witnessed it. I made out once. I put my tongue through the bottom of a popcorn. And your date was eating the popcorn?

She was reaching her hand in. She touched my hand. I guess I didn't make out so much as someone touched my tongue. Well, but I did eat a lot of popcorn. Yeah, I got my, I got a big fat tongue out of all that salt. I got slugged up. Michael Keaton. went away for a long time.

Did some hard time. And then he came back with the drumming movie. Birdman. Yeah. The constant drumming throughout Birdman. Where did you make out when you were making out? Car. Farmhouse.

Car farm house. Tree house. House. This house. Set of the show house. Yeah. The White House. Oh, the White House.

Yeah. With a certain speechwriter. Michael Geat. Yeah, let me just write this. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Oh, right. Now, back to kids. I like the idea that somebody wrote that for him.

Well, let's try a different, some couple different words. Do the thumb thing. Do your thumb thing. I remember one time I made out with my girlfriend in, I think, 11th grade. It was right after I got my driver's license. And I had this idea that. you're supposed to go park somewhere. I had like a 50s idea.

Yeah, yeah. Go to make out point. But careful, there's an escaped murderer. Yeah. Yeah, that's sort of the 80s spin on the 50s classic. That would be the 80s take on Greece. Yeah. Yeah.

There's also a guy stalking you. Yeah. Oh, well, I guess in Zodiac it happens. It's the first part of Zodiac, I think. Yeah. Is it a couple? It's a couple. Making out in the 60s.

So easy to stalk a couple that's making out. You know what I mean? They're way too focused to notice you creeping up in the background. That's true. With your hook hand. No, I think every time I wake out, I make out to this day. I'm always like, did you hear something? I think I heard something.

Did you feel anything? That guy from the store earlier who gave me the weird look. I think he's going to come and kill us. Someone's stogging a married, a long-time married. couple. Making out a car. Just stalking him, knocking on the window, going, way to keep the sparkle eye.

How long have you guys been together? Wow, a wee-wah. Scratching his head with his hook. That's a long time. And we're just like in the backseat covered in like fruit roll-up wrappers. Yeah, Cheerios everywhere. Yeah, goldfish crackers.

I was kissing my girlfriend at Make-Out Point, which was a little park in Burnaby. Okay. And then I was like, okay, time to drive home. I tried to drive home with my arm around her. I had only just got my license. I was very bad at driving. And I was turning the wheel with one hand, and I simply did not turn enough. And I crashed right into a boulder immediately, immediately.

Before we had left the parking lot part of the parking. part of the park. I crashed. And then I popped the tire and I had never learned how to change a tire. I didn't even know there was a spare tire in the back. And I drove home on the rim. And I almost got hit by a semi-truck.

And then I got... On the highway? Like, on just like a busy road. Okay. And then I got home and my dad got very mad at me. Yeah. Yeah. But did you guys stay together?

We stayed together. You and your dad? Nice. Yeah. My dad. My dad did not throw me out at that point. I still don't know how to change a tire.

I know that I can't, like I know I would, if I had to, I would YouTube it. Yeah. I know I have everything I need in the trunk of my car. You got the thing, the gross thing. The lifty thing. Yeah, the lifty thing. But you know what else I have? BCAA membership.

Yeah, me too. Pretty good. Yeah. That's the British Columbia Alcoholics Anonymous. You can get your sponsor to come by. Yeah. And you know he's sober, so he can drive. Yeah.

I just got my pop tire chip. Can you call them if you get drunk and say, oh, I didn't mean to get drunk, but can you come out here, BCAA? You can tow my car with me in it. Then I had a good time to make out during that. So my girlfriend's in the back. Making out in a car getting towed is a very good idea. When you're driving with your arm around the girl, was it a bench seat that you had?

Or was this over across the console? It was really over and across. Yeah. Yeah. It was a far stretch. And that's probably part of the reason I drove so poorly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard there's like on Reddit, I guess on R slash Virgin.

I got to go there after this. What are Virgin's talking about? No, there's, on, this comes up like every few months. You see a post like this. It's like, you know, there's all these things that women can do to a, you know, that's like men find sexy, like whatever, you know, put, their hair in a ponytail or nothing better or um uh like wear a low cut whatever hair band yeah what are some things that men can do that women like and one of them was uh that thing you put your arm around

while you're going in reverse really yeah oh that's just kind of you can look out the back then they're like why aren't you looking at the backup cam never mind they just like to do a I still I'll I'll reference the backup cam but I'm a look over the shoulder guys Oh, okay. That's how I was taught. And I was, they specifically said, if your car's going backwards, always look behind you. Yeah. Smart.

But they didn't know that the backup. They didn't know. They didn't know. They didn't know. Have you driven at all since you went to New York? There's all public trans. I haven't had my license in years. Oh, really?

Yeah, because I had the N license, the new driver's license here in BC and then expired. And I never renewed it. No. And now it's a great shame in my life. Why? I wish I had it. You could get it. I know.

Well, you can get around no problem without a car because you got two legs that don't hurt. Oh, fuck. Dave. We started out on such a good leg. They just got rid of the graduated driving licenses here. Did they really? Yeah. I saw an end not last night.

Well, I mean, they might still have some. But, like, you don't longer have to go through that. I think you can maybe even cash in your end for a full driver's license. So you get learner and then and then driver or just learner and then driver? I think now it's just learner and driver. That's the way it was in Alberta. Yeah, and that's how it should always been. It was the way it was here when I was young.

Yeah, I think I was very early days and you got screwed. And if I, if it hadn't been, I'd still have my license to this day. That's what I've done. I got my 1016 and I've never, you don't have to renew it. Yeah. Like, you don't have to redo a test. You just keep renewing it. Such a bunch.

Bummer. Do you have to redo it? Do they test you when you get old? Yeah, I think there's a certain threshold. But what is the test? Like, my parents are probably past that threshold and I haven't heard hide nor hair of this. Yeah. Not even hide?

I've heard hide. Yeah, but not hair. Yeah, so. So it's a cognitive ability test. Dave. you're failing. Mark? Yep.

Also, there are different cars on the road than when your parents were running up. Cyber trucks and things like that. You do need to be tested on the cyber truck. Yeah, how to get around one. You got to know what it is so that you don't freak out when you see it. Yeah. And also, like, what, like, if you see a driver to kind of just roll your eyes at them. Yeah.

The cyber truck is what I thought cars were going to look like by the. point. Yeah, because they're like Robocop and stuff. Yeah, right? I didn't think cars would just be cars still. I thought they'd look like transformers or whatever, right? Well, and I think this is, we're getting to the bottom of what makes Elon tick. He's got a teenager's brain sort of trapped in his youth and he's trying to build the future

that he thought was going to happen and he didn't realize that everyone would think it was dumb. What I do like is that electric cars, no matter what brand, they have some sort of like LED lights. strip along the front that lets you know that this is a future car. Yeah, we're in the future. Even though this is a Hyundai, this is the future. Yeah. You know, it's a funny thing they keep trying, then they're at new functions all the time is the like the glasses.

They're like internet or, oh, yeah, the meta. The meta glasses. I don't feel like anybody's getting into it. Can you, well, you, the new ones you wouldn't know. Oh, right, because they're so subtle. They're basically just like a pair of ray bands. Yeah.

But like, do you know anybody? I've never. Do you know a guy? Yeah. And he posts some videos and they look pretty good. Really? Yeah. And they got a little sound sensor on the arms so you can actually hear and no one else can hear.

It's very weird. Very weird. So like you can easily be recording somebody while you're talking to them. I guess. While they're trying to steal your glass. Yeah. Can you watch videos on them? While you're talking to somebody?

While you're driving? You're watching Paddington too. Guys, Paddington 2 was such a bomb for all of us. It was. It was really good. It's beautiful. You're driving down the highway, weeping. He's so pure.

He's taught all the prisoners to wear pink. It's, I feel like the younger generation is getting those bricks for their phone. They want to be less plugged in, not more plugged in. Have you seen this? Actually, no. Well, I have a friend who's 28 and he has a, or, 29 and he has a flip phone. Oh, okay.

Oh, really? I've seen more flip phones. But like, how do you get around? Like, um, yeah, you've, I mean, he's got a smartphone that just doesn't have data. So if he is in a pinch, he'll take it to a Wi-Fi place, like a coffee shop. Oh, okay. Uh, but really, yeah, that's what I think when I think about my smartphone, I mostly think about my map.

Yeah. But other than that, um, remember, we used to get around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Graham, you use your phone, you make it black and white. Yeah, because it's supposed to be less engaging. And it does work.

It's just like looking at a newspaper. Then when I turn it color, it's like, whoa, it's crazy. You have a black and white and you're just constantly losing it candy crush. I can't tell. Oh, I don't know what colors what. Well, I do it. The connections in the New York Times. Oh, yeah.

Apparently, like I didn't know that there's colors that rank how hard. the thing is. Oh, I didn't know that either. Yeah, apparently. Well, the green and yellow are the easier ones because it'll all, they'll all be like synonyms. And then the blue and purple are all just like weird, sort of like, the bizarre categories about like these all, what was today? And I got it. I was one of the ones I got first, but it was all words that started with a synonym for phoning someone. Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow. It was like ring around or whatever. Yeah. And then. Collander. Yeah.

Buzzard. Spelled different. Yeah. Buzzard. Buzzard was one. Wow. Do you do any of these, the daily puzzles? Yes, I do them all.

Really? I'm obsessed. Really? Yes, yes, yes. Are you good at them? I'm decent at the spelling bee. Yep. I'm okay at spelling bee.

Good at wordal. Good at crossword. Oh, you're good at crossword. Getting better and better at crossword. I want to get good at crossword. Crossword's fun. It's the most rewarding one. Yeah.

Spelling B drives you insane. Yeah. Because you can get to genius. Yeah. But then there's, There's another level. There's another level of genius. Queen B.

Oh, yeah. And that's when you get every word. And I think every day I go a little crazy. What do you get to? I usually get to genius. Really? What is spelling B? Spelling B is like, um, uh, it's a, how would you do?

It's like boggle. Okay. You have a center letter. You get a bunch of letters. You have to make words. You have to make words at least four letters long. Okay. And the, you have to have that letter in every one of the words.

Yeah. The center letter has to be in every one of the words. Oh. one of the words. And there's always at least one pangram, they call it, where it uses all the letters. Yeah. But you don't know how many pangrams there are. And getting to Queen Bee is a nightmare.

Have you ever done it? I've done it. You've done to Queen Bee? A handful of, but it's always like the easy ones I get to Queen Bee. Like where there's an I and G. Yeah. But there's all, and I've learned some different words that I never knew. I've learned Baob.

What's that? I think it might be a tree. Yeah, they don't give you the definition, do they? No. I've learned Ne-N-Nay. that's uh that was that like a word for a grandmother or something like that you very close it's a Hawaiian goose

I don't know they're geese in Hawaii very close yeah there's a it's a it's a it's a toughie yeah it's a toughie and I often feel that I'm wasting my life when I'm playing it like I'm truly this is time that I should be using to help others yeah I do

Uh, wordal, I do connections. I do Puck Dooku, the hockey one. I don't know Puck Do you? The hockey grid. It's a hockey grid. You ever done like an immaculate grid of, like an NBA immaculate grid? No. Oh, you'd love it.

What is the immaculate grid, man? It's like, you get, it's a grid of, uh, three teams on one way and three teams going the other way and you have to name players who've played for both teams. Oh, I'd really enjoy that. Yeah, go to, uh, check out, uh, you're a basketball guy, right? Yeah. Um, um, um, okay. called Immaculate Grid.

Wow. And then, uh, then I do framed, which is, which is, just shows you movie frames. Oh,

I should do that one. Yeah. And I do, oh, God, bandel, which is, uh, you have to guess the song.

Oh, I'd be very bad at that. What's, um, where are these? Are these all the New York Times? No, these are all over,

man. Yeah. What's the, do you remember any of these that you've gotten, uh, it made you feel proud? Oh, I got one today.

What was the bandel I got today? Um, let me look it up. Let me find it for everyone. Yes. Yeah, I'd like the movie friends one. Yeah, me too. But, like, you think you'd be good at the basketball, three and three.

I think I'd be good at the basketball. I think I'd be decent at the movies. I think I'd be, like, record-breakingly bad at the music one. Can you not retain any? I can't, and I don't really know anything about music. So this is a song from 1985 with 300. They tell you, like, how many views it has on YouTube, so you know how obscure it is. That's a crazy measure.

YouTube. Well, everything's on YouTube is the reason why. Right. And it won't load for me at the moment. Load, Metallica. It's load by Metallica, the title track from their album, The Head. Of Eds, Byrwin, the cover.

Okay. So this is difficulty par five. This is par five. Okay. That's tough. Yeah. So drums and bass, number one. Oh, crap.

So there are other instruments, but you're just not hearing them. Yeah, this is, so this is par one. If you got it on this, you'd get it in par one. Whoa. Like, that's a hole in one. Yeah. And this is the piano. This is where I got it.

Wow. Okay. All right. I'll just spoil it for you. The greatest love of all. Well, this is. take this out of the podcast. No.

It's happening to me. Wow. Anyway, I'm very proud of that. Was that song used in a movie? I don't know. Cool. Now, Mark, you have a new podcast. Yes.

Tell me about it. Well, I'm so excited, and I hope it comes out soon, but it's with Ryan Beale. Ask guest, Fave guest. Fave guest, I'm assuming. And Kevin Lee and you love Kevin Lee and Mark Chavez. Go slow, slower, slower, slower. I'm sorry. Kevin Lee.

Great guest. Great guests. We love them. Past guest. Favorite guest. Yeah. And Mark Chavez. We love them.

Absolutely. Oh, Dave. Okay. Sorry. We know them. We've heard of them. Yeah. So three amazing improvisers.

And it's called Nightmare Party. And it's basically Ryan Beale leading us in a D&D campaign. But the three of us don't know what we're doing and have no interest in D&D. In D&D and in playing it by the rules. Have any of you? So just kind of driving him. If you've ever watched the Sunday. service, you know how fun it is to drive Ryan Beale crazy and just see how he handles it.

And that's kind of what we do. Are you, is it genuine? Do you none of you want to be doing D&D? I, uh, yeah, I, I don't know. I mean, for me, it's very genuine that like, if I was, I don't want to like go on a quest. Yeah. I would rather see what happens when Ryan's carefully laid plans are foiled. Did you have a D&D history before this?

No, I didn't. This is my first. That's right. Yeah. I was, I just assumed that you were a D&D guy. you're doing this. No. I assume Kevin is.

Kevin might be. Kevin might be. But he's, so the first episode, we had to. Do you like swords? No. Okay.

Asked an answer. The, we had to scrap our first quest recently. Because we were just, we were just, we were just, all three of us picked characters who were just dogs. So three dogs.

Three dogs. Three dogs who murder. someone in a tavern by accident and they're just on the run and um and is Ryan as the dungeon master is that what it's called? No. The, uh, the mistress. The, uh,

I think, isn't it? story leader. Yeah, it's the dungeon master. Yeah. Um, is he uh, like he's sort of formed this plot. Yes. And you, he's given you all the options to be a dog and you've, well, he would very much prefer we were not dogs. Yeah.

Why did it, was that option available to everyone Was there a loophole? There's no rule that says a dog can't play Touches and Dragons? I think ultimately that's it. I think ultimately it's like he can only suggest.

But ultimately it's up to us. But you don't get like a roster of like, okay, this guy's an elf, this guy's a wizard. I think that's how it's supposed to be. But apparently you can also just be dogs. Now is this from week to week same storyline? Or is it new quest?

every week. Well, it was the same story for three weeks, and then we had... Were you dogs the whole time? We abandoned it because we were just dogs in jail. And it was like, to the point where we were like this, you know, what's happening? What are we doing here? And then Mark Chavez, as one of the people who ostensibly is like trying to fuck with Ryan was like, guys, I was talking to my D&D fan friend and apparently we're not playing D&D at all. So now we've tried. So will that be released or when you say it's scrapped? Is that like? No, I think we'll release it.

And then if there's maybe, maybe who knows, if we get a listener base and there's popular demand, maybe we'll return to that ill-begotten early quest. But currently we're trying to play a little more straight and narrow. I'm playing. So currently I'm a, what am I, an ogre? Or I'm a big brute who's, what do you call that? Like a balladeer and those? A bard. Oh,

I'm a bard. And he's, he's, he's basically doing a tour of open mics. Do you sing? Well, mostly I do stand-up comedy. Oh, okay. But this bard has kind of reached a point in his career where he realizes that the

career he signed up for is sort of a child's idea of a career. He's got a face. He's thinking of moving to New York. But he's worried about leaving his friends. Yeah. But here's the thing. There's a wizard on the crew. There's nothing stopping a little magic spell from turning us all into dogs.

Yeah, it's only one spell away. I would definitely go see. I'm not too interested in seeing a bard at an open mic. But if a dog's got like a tight five. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of bones do you eat? Yeah, it's just during crowd work.

Well, it's because I need clips. I have material, but I burned it all online. Yeah. do? A doctor. I don't know what that is. I'm just a dog. Yeah.

And like a vet. Okay. Doctor. We. Yeah. All right. Lame. There are a lot of clips like that out there where it's somebody stumbling.

It's crazy. Crazy. The degree to which like a crowdwork comedian's no. Nothing about the world. Less than nothing. These guys come in with blank brains. And they're just like, what do you do? Dentist?

Uh, all right. I can talk gibberish to. Dentist. Clibbet. He's a dentist. Then must post. Accountant. So what, you're working in an office?

Now, because you do shows in New York. Yes. Is it tons and tons of people just doing crowd work? Um, well, I don't do a ton of club shows. Okay. I would like to do more, but I think you'd get that more at like the cellar. Mm-hmm. I remember I went to the cellar when I was very young and I saw a comedian who was primarily doing that.

And at the time, it blew my mind. Yeah. But that was long before the sort of glut of crowdwork clips online. When do you think it's going to fall off a cliff where it's just like people are going to be done with? I don't know. But does it work in the way of like now? I'm asking this hypothetically because I think I know the answer. But like because people see stand up clips on their phone that are just crowd work.

Yeah. People go to stand up shows expecting to just see. the crowd work. Yeah. And that's been happening for a few years, I think. And I do wonder if it's a bubble

that's going to pop because I don't know. But also are we, as comedy people, like, way more, paying way more attention to this than the average person

who's like, oh, what even is crowd work? Yeah. No. Yes, absolutely. And I think the one thing

that will always make crowd work exciting is just that it's, you know, improvised. Yeah. But I do think like... Sort of like a herald. Like a short herald.

But it's, it's, it's, um, there's nothing inherently wrong with crowdwork. It's just that it's kind of like the new hack, you know? It's the new airplane food. Yeah. Like, you can only see people ask the same questions and react to the answers the same way so many times. I feel like, yeah. Like, I feel like even like Andrew Schultz fans must reach a point where they're like, I can't

hear that black. joke again. I think you're giving them to much credit. You like airline food? Honestly, yeah. I always thought it got a bad rap. I did think I got a bad rap.

There is a like a smell to the whole thing that it's gotten to me. He's working on a little bit of material here. You seen this? You smell this? The one thing I'll say about airplane food, and this is genuine, chicken's a bit rubbery. I feel like, yeah, all the, Airplane food is kind of like what you would eat after school as a kid.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But what a bad pasta.

Yeah. Yeah. But what a champagne complaint. Mm-hmm. The food on my airplane. The food in the sky is so bad. Like, they're really doing their best. The fact that they're using any of this plane's resources to feed you on this three-hour flight is bananas.

Yeah. I don't. usually get the food. I think the last time I went to the UK. Yeah. But not in Canada. No, not in Canada. You got to pay for the sharkootery board.

Just baloney and hot dogs. Yeah. I'll pay for the, I'm not going to pay for the expensive food on the plane. I'll pay for the expensive food in the airport. Thank you very much. Yeah, yeah. The far more expensive food in the airport. Priced up.

But thank God for Tim Hortons. Yep. Keeping those prices fixed. Yeah. And quality is job number one. Keeping that quality fixed. What's your Timmy's order? My Timmy's order?

Sour cream, glazed Timbits. Okay. Stop. Oh, yeah, no coffee. Maybe, because I really don't like that. I really don't love Tim Horton's coffee. Oh, okay. Here we go.

Piping hot take. A scorching tape. You should have warned us that this is going to take such a turn. But if it's later in the day and I'm ready for kind of a dessert coffee, then I'll, then I will get a little milk. Oh, okay. A little sugar in there. Sure. Maybe a double double, maybe a single single.

You ever seen somebody like actually order like a quadruple, a quad quad, I guess it's called? Yes, I have. What? You hate coffee then. You hate coffee. I do, uh, I get Tim Horton's coffee maybe once or two. twice a year. And I always forget how big a large is. And I get a large double double and it's ridiculous. Yeah. And then I, but I get every summer, I'll get an ice cappuccino. And before I take a flight, if there's a Tim Hortons there, I get a toasted bagel with cream cheese.

No, you can't go wrong with that. Yeah. Double toast it, please, because that first toast is a nut. It's happening. Oh, double toast. Okay. Oh, no, single toast. I'm going to miss my flight. Pull it out. I don't care if you're going to burn your hands. ma'am. They kept the dangerous lid for far longer than everybody else did. The, like, flat burn yourself. Yeah. Without the like lip, you know, it's just like a flat.

Did they even get rid of it? I think they've got regular lid. The kind of you have to flip up yourself. Yeah. And then kind of press. Yeah, press it back in. And every time you press, it kind of bubbles over. Yeah.

I don't know if they ever got rid of that. Well, I couldn't tell you. But you said it. I haven't done any report on. Can you still roll up the rim to win? I don't even. Can you, do you? Or do you just go online?

Probably an app now. Yeah. Yeah. Part of our heritage, right? Scroll up on Tim's to win or something. Yeah. Goethoe. Scroll up on Tims.com.

I feel like I've heard so many roll up the rim to win jokes in clubs. When I did stand up, it was like, oh, God, this. I had a roll up the rim to win joke, and it would always kill. But it was, I only used it when the audience hated me. Yeah. Here we go. This is my saver. No, I'm not going to do.

Please, please, please, please. No. Did you have a joke like that where you hated it, but oh, the crowd loved it so much? All my jokes. Actually, no. Minus the second part of what you said. I had many jokes that I hated in the audience agree. I'd say, yes, work on this.

I probably, yeah. I think. I think it's less like, I mean, I still, to this day, but it's, it's less about I hate the joke and it's more just, I've told it so many times that I hate telling it. Right. And I hate the, I hate the fact that it implies that I'm, that I was better before. You know, that's always the implication is like, oh, no, my new material is, can, am I, have I peaked? Yeah, I'm still using this, uh, preschool bit I was doing. Yeah.

What deal with red crayon? What deal with red crayon? And they like it? The audience is eating it up. What's the crowdwork that you did when you were doing that five-year-old material? Like when I was five years old? The crowdwork I was doing? Yeah, red crayon not taste good.

Excuse me. Still not crowdwork. Excuse me, sir. What favorite flavor of crayon? Yeah. Me say flavor. Orange. Orange?

Okay. She's looking She looking at him now thinking Who did I go on a date with? So she thinks in full sentences But you don't? Yeah Your kid's sensitive

She's an adult Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah I do like five-year-old stand-up comic Yeah, I say, What you do for a living They say anything that go What that?

Oyo, yo, yo, is that teacher? Mino teacher, Me no mommy. Yeah. You know fireman. Me no policeman. Yeah. That not my dream job.

Me not want to be that one. What is policeman? Oh, sure. Okay. Me no cowboy. Me love cowboy. Now who here love cowboy? Anyone here like milk?

Yeah. You say, uh, me love milk. No reaction. Okay. Guess we got No milk fans in the crowd tonight? That's my favorite thing when comedians tell a joke that fails just because the joke's not that good

And then they go, I guess we got a lot of Guitar Hero fans in the crowd tonight. You're like, that's the takeaway, huh? Yeah, because I was doing my joke about rock band But they like the predecessor. I did a show last night where there's a guy in the back

laughing at stuff that I was like, this guy's laughing at stuff that I hate. But then he kept laughing the whole night. And by the end, he was like my favorite audience. He was like, my favorite audience member. Like, this guy loves everything. He thinks every joke is fantastic. And he's hollering and hollering.

That's beautiful. Yeah. It started out as being like, I don't want to. Yeah. I don't hear this guy the whole night. By the end, I was like, please move to the front. You're fantastic. You think everything's.

Come with me. Come to my home. Call me around. A leash on you. Um, you, uh, you did a stand-up show. Are you doing a bunch of shows while you're in town? Are you doing the, you're hosting the alternative shows? I did a few.

I, uh, yeah, I'm hosting the alternative shows. The last one is tonight. So when this podcast comes out, you like a month ago. So get your tickets now. Yeah. And then. Next year's alternative show. Yeah.

And then ask where I am. Yeah. And then I did a show at the Little Mountain Gallery. right after your show. Oh yeah. But I didn't know that your show was happening. Otherwise, I didn't know you would have been there. Well, I would have swung by at the very least to watch because I, do you know this,

that you were the first live stand-up comedian I ever saw? No. Yep. I didn't know that. Yeah. And I had such a poisonous take on stand-up comedy that you were like. Before I saw your show. Because I had only ever seen like, I mean, as a kid, I loved like Eddie Murphy.

Yeah. I loved Seinfeld. Yeah. But then I think when I entered college, I got this idea that stand-up comedy was all like live at Club 50. Yeah. Yeah. Or whatever you remember these? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That one. Yeah. And it was very not good. Yeah.

Very not good. And like the camera, the quality of the picture made it feel like you were watching something that was not. Yeah. It was a modern Canadian stand-up show, but it looked like it was from 1987. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So everything about stand-up just had this, like, kind of encased in amber kind of. Really? Yeah. For me. I thought it was just, like, fundamentally hacky. Yeah. And then Adam Pateman. Yeah.

Took me to your laugh gallery show on commercial. Really? And it kind of blew my mind. Really? Yeah, yeah. And then I went back to see you week after week after week after week. And then you were like, he's getting worse every time. He's doing the same crowd work.

He's going to have that guy. I liked him better in preschool. But no, that's what's crazy Is that you would do a different half an hour Off the top of the show every show It's because it was one of those things Where you don't know what you don't know Like I was like, I guess that's what you do every week

It just work on material a week Get a butt stage Amazing And you would often have back Similar acts like same acts Week to week So I would see a lot of the same sets From the guests

And I'd be like Those guys don't know what they're doing Look at Graham up there A different half hour every week And they can't do it every seven minutes but that's what made me you're the one that made me realize the stand-up can be fun and cool and good.

That's well, that's, oh my God. That's an honor. And Dave, I'm a big fan of yours as well. That's fine. I just didn't know you at the time. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I really discovered it through Graham as well. You did?

Like, I didn't know, when I was in high school, I did improv. And then I played music sort of through college and was in bands and stuff. And I was like, I just didn't know that standup was a thing that people could do. And then I saw Zach Galaphnakis on, like I liked standup growing up. I saw Zach Galafanacus on Letterman, I think, or Conan. And I went to his website and it was like, oh, he's coming to Vancouver.

He's playing the El Co Cal. I've never heard of that. So I called up the El Coal. And I said, I'd like to buy some tickets to your show. And they were a Salvadoran restaurant where no one spoke English. They just said, just show up. And so I showed up probably three hours early for the show. And where is everyone?

Why are you in the seats full? And then Graham goes on stage and hosts it. And then, you know, Kevin Lee and Sean Devlin and Dustin Ladd doing his Darth Vader doing stand-up character. It's just really funny. I believe it. Because he did it. There was like a voice. modification thing.

So he had the microphone up to the chest to make that work. Yeah. Pretty good. Pretty good. You see anything weird like that in New York? People doing crazy characters? Not as much as you'd think.

Yeah. I just assumed. Yeah. I'm trying to think of the last time I saw sort of a kooky character. And nothing's springing to mind. I saw a guy who was out an open mic a couple weeks ago who really made me laugh.

He was going, he said a joke. And then he went, weird segue, weird segue, weird segue, weird segue. Weird segue. And he said that, like, I want to say 30 times. And as he was saying, he was slowly pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket. And then he slowly unfolded it to reveal a photo of a very weird-looking segue. I like that.

It was really good. It was really good. Yeah. Because you could be in New York and not, like, not see the same comic twice, I imagine. Or is it? see the same comics all the time. The community is smaller than you'd think. But there's like many, many communities.

Like I'm not in the Manhattan community at all. Okay. But within Brooklyn, it's like there's one little club that I perform at and there's oftentimes similar acts. And then there's when I do the open mic circuit, there's like a sort of a similar group that kind of travels around a little pack. Oh, cool. Is there any weird venues that are like not a traditional stage?

there's a lot of stages there. So maybe not. I mean, I'm sure, but I haven't performed at a lot of weird venues. There was one just like a bar where you enter and the part that is being used as a stage is just next to the door. Yeah. Can't leave. Yeah. Can't leave.

Just a microphone next to a door. Yeah. It feels like they could have turned the room around, chose not to. Right. The phone next to the door. They just, the mic cable doesn't go that far. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But I don't know if there's a, I'm sure. Oh, wait. My friend hosts shows at a bodega. There you go. Bodega comedy. Check it out if you're in New York. It's really fun.

Yeah. You perform from just sort of the counter. Really? Oh, that's fun. As if you're, as if you're an employee there. Do you have a favorite bodega in your neighborhood? But I kind of just have one that I go to. Okay.

The guys started roasting me. Oh, yeah. Kind of stuff do they say? Well, I regret to enforce. inform you guys that I've kind of become a smoker. Oh, no! No, I believe it. When did you?

I'm so sorry. Were you not before? To me, no, I started so late. I quit drinking and started smoking cigarettes at like 40 years old. I know. That's fine. It's not fine. It's fine because you're new to it.

Yeah. Most 40-year-old smokers have like 20 years of smoking in them. It's true. And I've quit many times. So now I'm aware of how hard that is. Yeah. How many cigarettes today? They say that.

So I'm trying to keep it under half a pack a day. Okay. And packs 20? Yeah. Anyway, this is, it's so embarrassing. But when I go to buy cigarettes, the guy always goes, this is my D. And then I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fine, I have a little bit. Yeah, so that's the extent of the bit. That is a roast. It is a little roast. You don't look, Kate. Dean, I'll tell you that. No. What do you smoke?

Are you still going to a Marlboro, an American spirits? An American spirit. American spirits. Yeah, that's actually pretty good for you, I think. They're just the more natural ones. Yeah, they're the only ones with protein in them. Oh, this smoke, I think they've been smoking jerky with it. Yeah. It's wrapped in jerky skin.

Now, what could that be? What could that be? What's the skin of a jerky? And then, and then, and, And then, but every once in a while I try to joke back with them and I do a real bad job. Oof. Like what kind of offensive things do you say to them? I walk.

I go, I go, hey, don't roast me no more. And then I pretend to dial my phone. And I go, hello, ice. The guy's like, that's good. That's good. Now we're talking. No, one time I was there with my girlfriend and the guy said, it's windy out there. It's a tough weather.

And I go, me, I'm wind resistant. And then I did not hear the end of that for a week. My girlfriend was like, what happened to you in there? You did a little song and dance? Me, I'm wind resistant. What are you doing? I think we should probably take some time away from each other. I kind of bent my body, like Gallagher.

Do you, you didn't hear the end of it from her. From her? But the guys of the bodega don't roast you. Okay, Mr. Wind Resistant. Yeah, no, no. Here comes the wind break. They don't remember that.

Thank God. Speaking of Gallagher, I thank Graham a link. There's going to be a Gallagher auction. Yeah. Auctioning off Gallagher's stuff. Is it more than just the, you sent me the hammer? I say you the link to the whole thing. Oh, I only saw the, you know, the thing, the hammer that you smashed.

There's hammers as costumes. there's are like his possessions, not just stage stuff. Yeah. His home, his car. Like art that belonged to him and like. The mallet is disgusting. It's been, you know, soaked so many times and it's just like, and it's like been taped back together. Well, there's the same mallet?

No, no. There were a few mallets that were on auction. But you thought, or I thought anyways, that he would have had like a custom made. Oh, no. Not like I think that's just a wood thing that he put together. Wood thing, where have you gone? Who, who you? This is the guy that's not thinking of that north of the border.

We don't have bodegas. Fine young Gallagher's. Gallagher, hopefully not auctioning off any of those watermelons. He smashed my melons. Like no one. All right. I went and saw Caratop in Las Vegas. I'm assuming that was awesome.

It was awesome. A religious experience. I loved it. And, oh, yeah, because they tell his story a lot. Carrotops on stage. Have you ever heard of Terry Fader? No. He's a ventriloquist.

Okay. And he was like, is he dead? No. He's, who died? Danny Gans. I don't know. Is he a ventralquist? I don't know.

Is that just a name you came up with? No, Danny Gans was a Las Vegas guy. Yeah. Yeah. Someone died young. Oh, the good. Oh, yeah. It was Amy Whiteha.

Oh, no. Oh, no. This guy's like a venture group. He's won America's Got Talent. Okay. So, Caritas on stage, and then he says, kind of like, oh, we have a guest in the audience here tonight. And it's Mr. Terry Fader, and everybody turned around to look at him. And he had his puppet with him.

He was just watching the show, like, there with his puppet, ready at the go. Wow. Did he do a little song and dance? No, but he liked the puppet. Did he have a... Did he have a popcorn bugger with a... The turtle's face just did it as a whole time. The puppet's a turtle?

Yeah, the puppet's a turtle. I should have said. Like Caratop, he does. He did a tribute to Gallagher in his show. Caratop seems like a... Would you know my name? If I smash this in heaven. Why are we doing non-fying cannibals?

Well, they don't have a sad song. Yeah. R.I.P. Smashing a watermelon full of ashes. Is Gallagher? Ashing a waterman? Is he gone? Yeah. Really? I don't think I knew that.

Yeah. That's the way. I think his brother Gallagher, too, is still alive. He's still with us? No. Gallagher, too? No. They finally got to be. back together last year

to tour. Yeah. I saw a sign outside of church. Speaking of ashes. Yeah. I guess Ash Wednesday is coming up. Probably after Fat Tuesday. Sure. But they...

Inevitably. Offering drive-through ashings. Oh, shit. In the modern world. Yeah. Wow. Kind of like with the way they used to do COVID. Yeah.

Oh. Remember? So easy to go get a test. Because you had 10 in a day if you wanted. You could just cycle back around. Get that thing stuck into your brain. Wow. Yes, I forgot about how that felt.

Yeah. Like, remember how, like, even if you did it at home, it was, they jammed it in there in a way that you just didn't think that your face could continue that way. So I did a test. Yeah, I did a drive-through test once. And then I, and you had to go online and get your results. But the person was like, you have it. You, you don't have it. Your whole vibe screams it.

Well, because I was like, they asked me my symptoms. And I was like, well. Well, I cough cold, stuffy nose, diarrhea. I can't taste or smell anything. And they're like, oh, you so have it. And then I didn't have it. What? But then I...

What did you have? Just a unrelated flu? I've always had colds where I lose my sense of taste and smell. Wow. It's sort of my super power. So if you want to feed me anything gross, go for it. But then I had it last year and I just did an at-home test. Yeah.

I do the, I've done them any time I kind of feel a little bit sick, I'll do a test. Yeah. But I can't, I can't jam it in there. And you don't like the health professionals can't. And I tested positive without jamming it super far. Like it, we've come a long way. Yeah, the test are easier now. We don't need the Q-tip to touch our brain anymore.

What's that movie where they pull the tracking device out of his nose and it's, Oh, to total recall? Yeah. That's what it always reminded me of. That movie. So good. It's so good. Two weeks.

Two weeks. When that lady just starts unfolding. Really good. Really good stuff. Michael Ironside. Oh, yeah. Canada's finest. Yeah.

Quado, three booblady. Fairndstone. Yeah. Michael Bublae, three booblady. They were all in there. The great Canadian star. Michael Ironside. Is that the one of the taxis are like...

Yeah. Jimmy Cab. Did it... Did you, are you, uh, you guys see this thing about Waymo's? Are they the automatic? Yeah, apparently they might not be automatic. Oh, really? They have remote drivers.

I prefer that, actually. They're just leaving it up to. I know, but you got some guy on the other side of the world playing Grand Theft Auto by accident. Oops, I had that on a different screen. Yeah, mowing down people on the sidewalk. That would make a great movie. I'll say that. Yeah.

Write it. You know, that's all you have to do. You just have to sit down and write the thing. Yeah, because he's got a guy, he snaps, he takes you on a joy ride. Yeah. Pretty good. You know, fill in a love interest in there somehow. A second car.

Yeah. You got to try to deliver something. Yeah, yeah. Maybe the antidote. Yeah, it got to be the antidote. Dave, what's going with you, my friend? Oh, not a heck of a lot. I told you a few weeks ago that I lost my phone.

No, lost wallet. Yeah. Yeah, here's the only thing going out is I lost my wallet. It was a little thin. Oh my God. Where is it? Not again.

It was over Christmas break. And I just, I remember I went to Safeway. That was my last transaction on my card. And then I got home and I didn't have a wallet anymore. And for weeks, I was like, well, no one. I would go online and check to see if anyone was using my account. Did anyone else have my wallet? And eventually I just had to cancel all the cards and get a new driver's license.

Yeah. So easy to get a driver's license. Anybody can do that. So I've heard. But then I, um, yeah, and I bought a new wallet, had a whole setup. And then, oh, and I don't know if you recall on that day, like three bad things happened to me. I lost my wallet. I don't know what the second.

thing was and I broke my toe. Oh yeah. I got my toe caught on this IKEA bag in my closet and my toe went one way and my foot went the other way. And it hurt for a few weeks. Yeah. Well. So the other day.

Oh no. I was in my closet. Taking off my pants. Breaking my toe. Putting them on a hangar. I had them upside down. A coin fell out of my pocket. I reached down to get it.

It fell in that IKEA bag that broke my toe. I reached into that IKEA bag and pulled out my wallet. I knew it would come back. I knew it. Was it nice to see it again? It was nice to see it again, but now I have an extra wallet. I got extra cards. Yeah.

I can make my two driver's licenses kiss. Do you have any rewards member cards in there that you could still? Yeah, my choices card. Yeah. You got a shoppers? Shoppers is on the phone. Oh, okay. Okay.

You carry a wallet? It's apparently like we're the last generation of wallet users. I carry loose cards and cash. Do you really? Yeah. Do you just throw them in your pocket? Do you have them on a like a clip? Nothing. Nothing.

I've been doing this for 15 years. Whoa. Just loose. Really? Because I got, I really hate. I mean, there's no reason not to have a clip. I should have a clip. Yeah.

But I always forget that that's an option. Right. And I hate any kind of bulk from a wallet. Yeah, I know. I used to have a folding wallet that I put in my back pocket. And it was really, I was going through those real fast. Yeah. They were getting beaten up by me sitting on them.

Then I got a thin one that I keep in my front now. And then that one I lose all the time. Yeah. Because it's in, oh, yesterday's pants, usually. But you don't do like an expression. That's just yesterday's pants. It really does. In the few days.

when I had a few cards but no wallet, I was elastic banding them. Ah, you get an elastic band. Do you ever buy asparagus? I really, I'd be, okay. Well, that was my issue is I had no access to the bands. But if I can get some asparagus, maybe I'll finally find.

Usually they come in one, maybe two elastics. Oh my goodness. So where, when you're at home, you just leave the cards in a pile? Yeah. Okay. I got a little dish. Yeah.

A little pile in there. This is the kind of thing that sounds foolish. No, it sounds like freeing. It's a little bit freeing. Yeah. And truly, I have not lost anything in over a decade. Wow. It's crazy.

Because if you lose one, you're not losing the whole deck. That's part of it too. That's part of it too. Do you ever lose the cards? I can't remember the last time I lost a card. What's the most important card in your pile there? Credit card. What's your least important?

Hotel card. Yeah. Those cards are worthless. Hotel key, yeah. Current hotel key. I could lose that, replace it like that. Yeah, I remember being, you know, the road with somebody, and I had always thought that you had to check out of a hotel and hand them back the card key.

You did have to for a while. For a while. And then I remember, I think it was Rob Pugh. He's like, he had like three in his pocket. He's like, these ones and just threw them. Yeah, it was just like, oh, he didn't know. You just walk out of the hotel without checking out. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, in the, it's, when my, when I stayed at hotels growing up with my parents, they would have to check out of the hotel. But I don't know what changed. Yeah. Like, well, physical keys became cards. That's part of it too.

Yeah. Yeah. But, like, they would have to, like, sign a thing at the end being like, I solemnly swear that I stayed at this hotel. I promise I didn't do nothing weird in there. And can I get my traveler's checks back? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Or like, I remember I had to pay for something.

This is a long time ago with a money order. And you had to, like, go to a place that does that, like a money mart or whatever. Oh, well, a bank will also do it. Wow. You know, maybe I didn't have a bank card. I believe I bought my car with a money order. Do you ever do that? Do you ever, like, had to transfer funds to somebody?

Yeah. Wire money to somebody? Yeah, sure. You wouldn't do that anymore, would you? You would wire somebody's a money? It had to be that reason. Eat transfer. Yeah.

Eat, but within, but when you're crossing a border with it. Ah. Because you can't e-transfer to the States. No, that's right. Well, do you have an American account, a Canadian account still? I do have a Canadian account. And I have an American account as well. Ah.

Never the Twain shall meet. I think we're going to e-transfer you a little bit of money after this. Oh, baby. I hate when we get American guests and I'm like, can we do PayPal to them? Yeah. Yeah, you can. You can? You can.

They all want Venmo and we don't have that. You don't have Venmo? No, no, uh, Zell. No Zell, no cash app. It's all E transfer, huh? Yeah. That's wild. What, are those all just types of Zell?

Yeah. There, well, a lot of them are, uh, vapes as well. Oh, delicious. Can I get, uh, can you send me a, a Zell? Yeah. Boof. Have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, have you, yeah, I tried to, I tried to switch to vaping, but it didn't hit right.

No. Unfortunately. Have you thought about maybe doing those vape, uh, tricks with bubbles? Now what is that? Oh, there's a character from trailer park boys. There's guys on the internet who make, who do like vape tricks with bubbles. Like, you know, we get a bubble that you blow bubbles with.

Okay. And then, I'm not talking about the guy from the trailer park boys in this case. I'm talking about Michael Jackson's chimp. Still alive. Still alive. Bubbles to chimp. Oh, we need a third bubbles. We need to build someone to round out that trio.

Mm-hmm. But you blow a bubble and then you vape into it? I guess so. Oh, I see. I don't know how they time it exactly. Or maybe they have the bubble on the wand. Like, they blow it on the wand and make it really big. Then they take a big, and then there's guys who can make it like the vapes go,

like the clouds go really low to the ground. Wow. I mean, this is, everybody just be creaming their jeans. Sometimes they do it around a body of water. Caratop throwing to a guy who can do that in the audience Oh my God He's here with us here tonight

It's a bubbles of smoky Yeah that's something that should be on America's got talent You know I watched Because you know In the early 2000s Late 90s I feel like it was very popular To shit on Caratop

Sure And then that sort of persisted And then I was sort of why you never did stand up comedy You were like, I didn't, I thought it was all carrot talk. I said, I don't have the ability to build those props. And then you've discovered Graham. Yeah. Yeah.

You saw props are as easy as one, two, three. You can just buy props from a store. I, uh, uh, I watched the DVD of his Vegas show. Yeah. Expecting to sort of laugh at it. Yeah. And I so enjoyed it. He was, he's so charming.

Yeah. He's just so charming. He's very self-effacing. And he, uh, He recently, like, kind of discovered, or a new audience discovered him through Kill Tony. Yes, I saw some of his clips. And it's like, these young people, they don't know what to make of him. Like, why is this guy?

Why does he have all? Who is this guy? He's that funny. Yeah, like, they love him. To discover, like, 55-year-old carrot top. Yeah. Yeah. Like, fully formed carrot top.

And he'll, and he will, he'll pull out a prop. And he's kind of like, he's like, oh, you know, this is stupid. But, you know, it's the Detroit Lions. and it has like Kleenex coming out of the helmet or whatever. And I was like, this is great. This is great. This guy's fantastic. That's it.

He's always had that sort of, this is stupid, but check this out. Yeah. He's always throwing away his jokes like, like throwing them out there as if I don't know. Yeah. It's so sweet.

Yeah. He seems so sweet. Does he, is he careful with the props when he's throwing away the jokes or does he put them back nicely? He's not throwing the props away. He does kind of throw the props away. And you could tell that they're like,

he's the stage littered with props by the end? Oh. His Vegas show, at least on the DVD, was like, it looks like Pee Wee's Playhouse. There's a mountain of. Was that what it was when you went on? Yeah, a bunch of trunks. And he had like a great, like a fan at the front of the stage.

And he like did a musical number. His hair was going everywhere. And his shirt blows up so you can see his abs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the only part that's a little bit uncomfortable. Okay, Karat. Yeah, we know. Whatever you're after here, I don't want to give it to you.

I don't want to give you this. And he has funny, like, he has funny stories because he was in the credits of the hangover where they're showing a bunch of photos of the crazy shit they did that night. And he was the guy who's like, well, we should be doing lines together. That would be funny if you were doing lines with Caratop. And then, like. Lines of dialogue or cocaine? Cocaine.

And it's true. It's funny. Caratop doing cocaine. Chopping up lines of dialogue. I mean, that movie's, yeah, so funny. There's so many good lines of dialogue, too. That's true. do one.

Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. Well, okay. So am I both in this situation? No, no, no. You can be you. Okay.

Oh, I made me. I'm not at Helms. No, you're you. I'm at Helms. I lost my tooth and I got a face tattoo. Oh, yeah, that is a good line. Don't remember any specific lines from that movie, but I liked it. Yeah, I liked it too.

And it was one of a kind at the time. Yeah. And now there's three of them. Maybe. Would you think the gang would ever get back to go? for a fourth? Oh my God. Imagine? Whoa. So I found my wallet. What's going on with you?

Well, I did, there's a town not far from Vancouver called the Nimo B.C. And very easy to get to on a ferry. And I did a show. There's now another ferry. That's the one I took. Okay. Called the Hello Fairy, which is from downtown to downtown. It takes only just a little over an hour. What does it cause for a person to walk on? to walk on the regular ferry.

The regular ferry is like 20 bucks to walk on, right? So like the hollow is like 30. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's, I was going to do a show there and at this bar, kind of like, you know, cover band bar.

Oh, come on. Come on. Well, thanks for coming on the podcast. We're just going to wrap it up right now. Come on. And so is that this place called the Queens, which is like, you know, where you'd see a blues rock band.

Oh, boy. Yeah. In fact, like, as soon as our show was done, like, these guys just barreled in with their guitars and started plugging things in. If you walk in the garden. They're playing the theme from the wire. Yeah. There's a new version in every season. Why can't we have a version?

Yeah, so I did, I was there, and I got there kind of early, and the guy, the Booker had his daughter with him and she was very cute and like a child a child but she's like she was like eight and so we get to the place this is in the middle of the day still and he

she's gonna do stand-up on the show oh my goodness he's gonna do stand-up so the whole time I'm there she's like up on stage like rehearsing trying to remember the bits or whatever and the guy that's bookish up very encouraging trying to like you'll make sure like just breathe just

you know like how many people on this show uh there was myself two other young comics her the youngest comic and then the host and nobody did well like the top of the show it's just like this crowd was not I think I thought that it was going to be

a Nimo like rough and tumble like they like dirty jokes you know they like stock jokes or whatever and it wasn't at all they're very quiet and courteous There was no yelling out or anything like that. So the first three acts, all were kind of dirty, and they were just like, hmm. And one of the acts was the brother of my junior high girlfriend.

Whoa. Yeah. Who I'd not heard about. Did he remember you? He did. Did you remember him? No. But I remember I remember his sister.

And he was a dirty act? Well, just everybody was kind of blue. You know what I mean? He said, you took my sister to speechless. She's told me she would never tell anybody I wanted to go to that movie with my son We had plans I still have the ticket stop

And then at some point He said on stage He was like And I think your headliner fingered my sister And I'm like, what the hell man It was junior high? There was no fingering going on Wait, he was the host

He was one of the act He was one of the acts Yeah I haven't won over the audience yet Maybe I talk about a sex act between a guy you've never met before. Yeah. And, yeah, some liners. Wow.

Yeah. So nobody was doing, well, of course, the little kid hits the mic. People losing their mind. Yeah, of course. And all of her jokes are making fun of her dad, who's the host of the show. So good. So good. Talking about how bald he is and how he had like ADHD.

Like, they really. Okay, well, that's maybe mean. Hey man, she could do no wrong Just absolutely levels the place I went up fine But after the show First of all I didn't know she was still in the crowd I thought that she would

Gone upstairs or gone somewhere with a Going to bed Yeah Exactly And after the show I was like Oh how you like the show And she was like I wasn't very kid friendly

I was like you were in the crowd The eight year old said it was Yeah. Good friendly. Wow. Self aware. Very. Well, also, this is a bar.

This is a bar. Yeah, exactly. This is where adults go. Well, because you would always hear stories about, like, you know, Nick Cannon or whatever. Like, comedians who started super young. Yeah. And they would, you know, get snuck in the kitchen and, like, in the back door of the club. And then they'd have to leave right after their set.

I feel like that's how Shania Twain got started. They kind of brought her into. It was a young stand-up. Hey, sir, whose boots have ever been in your boots been on her? Man, I feel like a woman. But yeah, so she kills. And then after the show, she's like, I made $350 in tips. I was like, tips.

She did? Yeah. She's eight-year-old? Yeah. And I was like, tips is not a, that's not a comedy. That's not a regular thing to tip an act. Over your base salary as? Open micer?

Yeah. $350 she made. What did you make? None. Made none dollars. Maybe people weren't laughing because they all knew she was in the crowd and they all felt uncomfortable about all these horny jokes. Oh shit.

Yeah, maybe. Dirty jokes. Well, and also like, did she do jokes about her dad being like a scary muscle guy who was going to beat you up if you didn't tip? But it was just like, it was mind blowing. And then she was like, here's how I'm going to spend it. She had a three point plan of how she was going to spend. Something I really like.

Something that I need. Let's save the rest. So I was like, hey, you know what kid? You got your head screwed on the right way. Here's something I really like, a $350 thing. Something I need. I can't afford it. And save the rest too bad.

But yeah. So upstage, very much so by an eight-year-old girl. How could you not be? Right? Imagine the crowd that would not support a child. Heard it. Go on. Next, Joe.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, I had that thought when I was eight. My adult could tell that. Was this your phone just, it just dinged. It dinged in a very weird, like, echoed. Yeah. Do you remember any of her jokes? Do you remember the ADHD joke?

My dad had had so much ADHD. How much ADHD does he have, little girl? Well, he, like, sometimes he'll, like, open the fridge and not remember what he wanted. Boo! I think, because he was bald, one of the jokes was I like when my dad's cooking because it's guaranteed there's not going to be any hair in the food. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like, just, like, he set him, set her up really well. And then she just decimated.

But do you think maybe her dad was helping her write these jokes? I don't want to a ringer. Yeah. I don't, you know. I'm not trying to, Kirk Cobain, Courtney, love this. I'm not trying to make a sexist argument here. It's more about the age. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't, you know, I think it's a collab. Yeah, you know. A true collab. True collab. And who's the smarter and who knows, you know. Yeah. The jokes just start flowing.

Maybe her dad was like, I am doll parts. What, I had some food last night from a restaurant. Oh, my. There was hair in it. Oh, no. Now what I did? What? Hold it up.

Yeah. I convinced myself it was fiber from the chopstick. Sure. Have you ever sent food back at a restaurant? No. I don't think I have either. But one time I was eating with somebody, and he did, and it blew my mind. I couldn't believe.

Would you send stuff back? No. Yeah. Never. I, um, uh, someone posted on the Costco subreddit that they, uh, got a big thing of mangoes and they cut them all open. They're all brown inside. Yeah.

And the person said, just returned them. Have you ever returned a piece of fruit to a store? No. Wow. No. No. I, like, I'll, if I buy something online and it's not what I want, I'll just keep it. Like, I've never put a thing back.

in a mailer and sent it back to whomever. Yeah, I always chalk it up to a learning experience. Yeah. Okay, next time I don't buy mangoes that look like that quite exactly. Yeah. Like, next time I try a little harder. Yeah. As, uh, I remember when Casper mattresses were coming on the podcast scene, they were like,

100 night guarantee. Because like, you're not going to try them out in a store. You're having them delivered to your house. Yeah. And then I wonder how often the 99th night, people were like, I'm not feeling it. Yeah. I'll just put it back in the box that you know. But I know so many people in college who would go to Walmart, buy a stereo, and then eight months later at the end of the school year, bring it back.

Oh, really? Yeah. Because they had a relaxed return policy. Yeah. But, sir, you bought this eight months ago. Oh, yeah. I don't like it. You can tell that you've been playing sublime on this for eight months straight.

Sir, this thing is covered in sublime stickers. We will take it back. But next time. Sir, there's stick on googly eyes and a fake joint in the mouth of this stereo. The stereo clearly smoked two joints of the morning. Smoked two joints at night. Don't get me started on the afternoon to make it feel all right. Do you guys want to move on to a little overheard?

Sure. Hey there, everybody. It's time for a bit of. business. We were so wrong when we tried to go to overheard. Dopes. This gives you a chance to rest a little bit. Hear what friends communicate through the podcast.

Maybe exclusively. Maybe this is the only time they've sent a message in years. But this is something you can do if you want to go to max one. org slash jumbotron. Yeah, you can get a jumbotron message like this. Send a message to a loved one or a nemesis. Yes. And this is a message.

It is for Maddie. It is from Ian and Yanna. Whoa, that is Ian and Yanna. Ian and Yana. Yana and Ian. This is how I warm on my mouth. That's what extra say in the background to make it look like they're talking. A message goes like this.

Dear sister, I am pleased to have our good friends Dave and Graham address you today. Talking like a nerd. It is your birthday, or it was, as I am writing this on the, 17th. I am sorry that you will never beat me at Seven Wonders Duel. I don't know what that is. No, well, I, I, I, it's no longer nerd talk. Now, this is cool stuff. But know that you are loved very much by me, your brother, and Yana, your mentor. Happy days and blessings upon you. Well, off I go. That was nice. Yeah. It was nice little bit of business. Do you think we should go back to the show? Yeah, let's do it.

Hi there. Sorry to interrupt your podcast listening time. I know you're doing the dishes right now. That's okay. I don't worry about it. You might not know me, but I'm Brenda, and I'm here to tell you about the podcast I host with my good friend Austin. It's called Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries and we cover all kinds of pop culture topics. Like, did you know that there was a real-life replica of the Simpsons House in Las Vegas, Nevada? Or that Flint, Michigan was once home to an indoor amusement park themed around the automobile. If those things sound interesting, you should definitely check us out every Tuesday on maximum fun or wherever you get podcast. Yes. Goodbye. You can get back to your dishes now. It's fine. The wizard's answer eight by eight.

The cornclaves call to demonstrate their arcane gift, their single spell. They number 64 until a conflagration. 63 and 62 they soon shall be as well. One by one, the wizards die till one remains to rain on high. Join us for Taz Royale, an oops all wizards battle royale season of the adventure zone every other Thursday on maximum fun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Overheard. Overheard's a segment on the show where we hear things, you hear things. Let's trade.

It's a marketplace of ideas. Let's just trade our overhards, your overhards. If you have one that you think is very funny, send it into SPY at maximum fun.org. And we always like to start with the guest. Mark Little, do you have an overheard? Well, so this is more of a herd because it was simply a friend telling me because... This counts. Okay, good.

Yeah. We were talking about the Trojan horse because I'm reading this book about Battle of Troy. Okay. Is it by Homer? Is it the alien? I'm reading this book. It's a first edition. No, I don't.

It's the, it's, what's it called? The Song of Achilles. Okay. Okay. Kind of a heated rivalry of books. Oh, nice. Kind of got a lot of steamy, horny, gay. Yeah.

Loven. Of books. Of books. Yeah. Heated rivalry was great. Was it also books? No, no. It's based on a true story.

Was hell right, right? I forgot that it was also books. Well, anyway, so I was talking about the Trojan horse, and my friend said, how did they fit more than one guy in that horse? And then it was a long conversation to realize that he thought the Trojan horse was a horse. It was just a horse-sized horse. It was a flesh and blood horse. So he was like, how could you get one of the one guy? But even one guy at that point. Well, think of the modern horse costume.

It's two guys. That's true. Just this like incredibly sick looking horse barely able to walk forward. I think it's cut big. It's all lumpy. So who are the belligerents in this war? It's the Trojans versus the Greeks? Yes.

And the Trojans are the ones. Who gives the horse? The Greeks give the horse to Troy. To Troy, okay. Because they can't, I, now I haven't reached this part of the book yet. Okay. It's no spoilers. But as I understand it, they cannot breach the castle walls.

So they give this horse, they leave it out front as a gift. But they, so the Greeks or the Trojans of the whole time are like, we're winning, we're winning this war. Oh, look, they're giving up and building us a horse. Yeah, they built us a nice horse. Bring it in. This is the part that I've never understood is why they, except the horse. And like people are coming and visiting.

Hey, where'd you get that horse? Well, it's a perfectly normal gift to get. Where'd we get this horse? Oh, so interesting you should ask. We got it from our enemies mid-war. Isn't that nice of them? Like, if you were in World War I and somebody sent you a Valentine's box. Well, I think it's, oh, no, it's got grenades.

Well, it's like the Statue of Liberty when all those French people ran out. That's a weird gift. It's a weird gift. Here's giant statue. And the only real precedent is the Trojan horse. It's so nice of the Nazis to give us this huge tank with a sealed top. I guess this goes in a museum. heavier even than a normal tank.

Almost the weight of a normal tank and many men. So I do not know why they would ever have accepted it. But, yeah, so they accept the horse and then the guys emerge from it in the, in the dark of night. They don't emerge immediately. They wait. I think they wait. I think they wait.

Okay. But I think also my memory of this is actually like, was there a Monty Python version of this? Yeah. Probably. Probably. There's also like, where do they put the, like, are they going in the horse butthole? Yeah. How do they get it?

Going through the mouth, exit through the butt hole. I think it's a truly huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horse. So it's got many entrances. I think it's got kind of a slat. at the side. Boy.

Who are the like carpenters? Jesus. Sure. Early Jesus. Karen Carpenter. Now is as I'm hearing this is the notion behind a Trojan condom that you're sneaking your penis into. See, I just think it's poorly named.

Yeah. Yeah. Because what? Yeah. Or is it like the horse angle? You think it's poorly named? The Trojan condom? Well, the implication is that the.

the semen It's going to sneak out Going to sneak out Right Right There's going to be a hole In the condom Yeah

That seems to me The implication to me Yeah And it's just as weird As allowing a horse Into your war Camp Yeah

Allying a penis Into your Body Yeah This is a gift Oh great Bring it in Yeah

But yeah So Okay So that Yeah What about dental dams? Was there a brand name Of dental dams?

Yeah, the Menelaus, the Spartan Dam. I don't mean, can you, I don't, I know what a dental dam is. The only thing I know is that like in a college they gave us a diagram of how to turn a condiment to one. Oh, really? Yeah. On the fly. I've never truly known what it is. Well, it's also like when you go get a filling, they give you a dental dam as well.

I got to say, like, a regular dam from a beaver's perspective. I have a dental dam. Yeah, that's true. This is good stuff. We should be writing this stuff. You know what? We should do a podcast. From a beaver, that's a rave.

Wait, do you guys hear about this, about that if you play the sound of running water near a beaver, they'll start trying to make a dam? No. This is true. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do they know this? Someone was, well, I don't know if this is just like, if there's enough research to verify. this across the beaver species.

Sure. But there was a video of someone who had a pet beaver and she would turn on the tap in her bathtub. And then the beaver would just go around destroying furniture trying to. Where do my toothbrush go? Trying to damn it out. Well, I guess that's not the sound. But yeah, she would also play the sound of it from a speaker. I don't know.

This is what I heard. The, um, uh, yeah, it's like when you hold a dog over the bathtub and they start doing the dog paddle. So cute. So cute. So cute. Dave, do you have an overheard? Sure. This is one, well, I have one that, this isn't an overheard, but it was a, a quick one before my real one.

I got an update. I have this, we're recording this the day after Valentine's Day. Oh my God, I forgot. Fuck. And I have on my phone, I have an earthquake app that tells me when there's been an earthquake in the world. Okay. And I just got a, before Valentine's, I got an update from. them saying that they have a Valentine's offer, 50% off premium earthquake app for new and

lap subscribers for Valentine's. So, you know, guess what I got you? Guess what I got you? I got you the full version of this app. Yeah. Which I don't actually have. I don't know. I don't know it's a great. Yeah. A product without going premium. Wow. I don't know what to tell them. Get her the gift that says, I care. I don't know if it says, I wouldn't want to be in Vanuatu right now. Okay. So my actual overheard is a couple weeks ago, my daughter broke her arm. We were in the emergency room at Children's Hospital.

And there was a, like a teenager, like a 16-year-old girl who was, I overheard. She was there for something that wasn't an emergency. So she, but the clinic told her, just go to the. ER. And so she was there. And so because it wasn't an emergency, she was doing her homework. And her mother was sitting next to me. And I just heard her mother who was a woman in her mid 50s, a white lady in her mid 50s say, bra, you are not using your calculator for factors. Listen up, bra. Whoa. I never heard a bra from a mother. But I think she was, she was a bra from a door. No, I think it's because her daughter was, her daughter was, had her phone out and she's like, you're not using your calculator. I can tell what that phone is for. You're going to work through these fractions. Oh, God, remember fractions?

Were you good at math? Yeah, I was, but until it became calculus and then I was bad. Yeah. Really bad. Yeah, I was fine until I think grade 11 and then I spun out. Like, I couldn't. It just got to a point where I was like, I don't know this makes sense. Yeah.

I was good until grade eight and then they put me in the advanced math class. And I was like, oh, I'm on easy street now. I don't even need to do homework. Yeah, you do it. So I was just. We'll be back in regular class, please. I just got bad math marked from then on. And they never put you back.

No, because I was like, I think this is the year I'm actually going to try. I never did. Yeah. Yeah, I barely, I think on my provincial test or whatever it was, I made it like 51%. Oh, wow. I just barely squeaked through. Yeah. Oh, but no, I mean.

That's way better than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we're having two different conversations here. I'm talking about the difference between an A minus and an A. You're talking d-d-mineas, I guess. But now I'm helping my kids with their homework, and it's, oh, so many new numbers. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

11. Yeah, 11. This is new. Yeah. Five. Flipo. I'm supposed in there now Yeah

Shit Yeah I can't even If I had kids and had to help them with math I don't know which grade level I would be able to help up to But I think it's It tragically low The thing is you can

Learn along with them Oh fair Like And there's just like Different words for numbers that I forget I'm like This is an irrational number What is what?

I like I just forget I have to like look up the I know the concept and how to do things. And then I... I just have to look up what that word actually means. This number is irrational. This numbers speaking from a place of emotion. You can't reason with this number.

It's red. It's red on the page. Don't make any decisions right now, number. Slippo, no. Graham, do you haven't overheard? I do. Brough. Brah.

I was watching. While I was waiting for the ferry, there was a couple, and the woman was on the phone with, I assume, whoever was taking care of their dog. Taking care of biscuits. So that's the name of the dog. Oh, wow. I really was going to settle for it. Taking care of dog. Yeah, which was, I think, pretty good.

Well, biscuits. But she. Every day. You're away. She was. obviously whoever's taking care of her dog, she was like, okay, put him on the phone. And then she was like, sit.

And then the phone obviously passed back. Did he sit? Okay. Put him back on the phone. Sit. Can you get the phone back? Okay, well, I'll talk to you later. Like, she wanted to see, she could, you know, remotely.

Put him on the phone. Put him on speaker phone. It's not do phone to the ear with the dog. Or maybe the visual cue of having me on a FaceTime. That might help. Yeah, exactly. She was doing it old school. My dog's going to sit, even for me as a...

In person. In their presence, yeah. It's hard, man. Nobody wants to sit, right? Rather be standing all the time. Are you kidding me? I love sitting. Listen, I mean, how many wallets have you ruined from your favorite hobby of sitting down?

God, they got so, like, the leather would just like... mesh with my butt skin. I also have... Jesus. Well, a lot of my pants had the... I'd cut out the part between my pocket and my butt. It could make it kind of chaps-esque. Yeah, I guess so.

Chaps-esque. Now, we also have overheard sent into us by people all over the world. If you want to send one in, send it in to X-SPY at maximumfund.org. And this first one comes from Ashley S. I ordered Jessica Zimson's sister. Yep.

I was lip syncing on stage at SNL. What? I overheard some 20-something year old woman say to her friends, girls, I'm raising my standards. He at least needs to have a part-time job, right? You got to have a baseline. I don't want him around the house all day. Yeah.

And I don't care what job it is, as long as it's part-time. And he's bringing in some income into the relationship. Yeah, and he needs a hobby. Yeah. Nope, I'll just take part-time job and he can just hang out the rest of the time, watch me do my hobbies. Yeah, I don't think I have a standard that high. I don't think somebody needs to have a part-time job.

No. Yeah, just come hang, you know? Yeah. Pull up. He has to be willing to hang. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This next one comes from Julie in Kennewick, Washington. I was at a trampoline park with my kids,

which this did not exist when we were kids. Trampoline Park. They might have. Well, I was never invited to. You maybe go to the suburbs. It's probably deep in the suburbs. Yeah.

But I feel like they're everywhere now. I feel like any kid could go to a trampoline. Oh, yeah. We go. Welcome to trampoline park. The trampolines have escaped. How do you make these trampolines? His monstrosity.

Well, we took frog DNA. We sprayed it all over a spring. I don't want kids. Well, we'll see how you feel at the end of trampoline park. The glass of water is vibrating. Yeah, yeah, he's got the glass of water on the trampoline. Well, it's just splashing everywhere. The lawyer just breaks his ankle.

Yeah. Your scientists were so obsessed with whether they could make a trampoline park. Any more? Yep. I was at a trampoline park with my game. No, I mean any more Jurassic Park references? Oh, uh, clever girl.

He sees a trampoline, spring, spit everywhere. Chris Pratt training three trampolines to obey him. Yeah. Hold on to your butts while we crack the egg. Newman trying to smuggle out, well, I spring, I guess. Spring seems to be the building block of this.

When a 10-year-old girl walked past with her mom, She was in the middle of a story, and here's the only part I caught. There were three growing men. Sorry, three growing. There were three growing men. They were still tiny and they were still growing. They were drinking milk. Yeah, they were taking Flintstone vitamins.

There were three grown men. I beat them. So there you go, Julie. Over heard a kid. What was the story? This was a kid. Yeah. They were at a trampoline park.

Yeah. Oh, can you imagine such a thing? Yeah. Welcome to trampoline park. 10-year-old girl walked past And she was in the middle of a story And the only part she caught was There are three grown men

I beat them Wow Yeah what do you think What did she beat? What did a 10-year-old girl Be three-girl men at Probably one of those Yeah

Or like lethal enforcers Or one of those Arcade games with four Oh yeah Maybe maybe there was a Maybe there was a little Like a town fair component To this trampoline park

And they were having a little competition for youngest girl. Or maybe it was the girl from your stand-up show. Oh my God, just defeating people left right and center. Yeah. Made 350 bucks too. 300-50 bucks in tips.

She's going to be so upset when she finds out what real stand-up comedy is like. How big was the crowd? It was full, so probably like 150 people. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. Or maybe 100 people. I was picturing three tables.

Oh, no. Parsley. attended. Okay, so 100 people at $3.50 each. Yeah. Per tip. Which is just like... Did she go around with like a square?

Yeah, she went around with a... She was soliciting the tip. With an iPad. I don't remember how good my dad hair joke was. That's worth $10, surely. Yeah, never got a tip. You ever get a tip? No.

Oh, my God. No. I'm even impressed when comedians, sometimes I'll see comedians who at the end of the show, they'll be like, you can tell. my phone and join my mailing list. And it automatically follows me on social media. And then it seems very smart. Yeah.

Wow. I don't know how to hook that up. They're playing 3D chess. I'm still over here on checkers. This last one comes from Andrew from Burbank, California. In a pet store. I heard a kid say, I wish you could just disappear from this world and become a dog. But I would keep the same address.

Which is smart. Oh, yeah. Just because you're a dog. Well, yeah. You probably have a good setup at home. Yeah. What a funny way of saying that I wouldn't want to abandon my parents. I'll keep the same address.

I don't want to be a stray dog. Yeah, I'm going to forward my mail to you. What about mom and dad? Don't you love them? Yeah, I said I'd keep the same address. Yeah. They can pet me. Yeah, I just want to disappear from the world as a dog.

What is so hard about this to grasp? It's a better life, and it's shorter. That's what I want. And your food standard is way lower. You think everything's delicious. I want to spend all day hungry and begging. I want someone. And sleeping?

You know, sleeping for hours at a time. I want someone to phone me and tell me to sit. And I'm not going to do it. I'm a rascal. Well, in addition to overhears that are written and we also accept your phone calls and your voice memos.

If you want to send us a voice memo, do it. Send it to SPY at maximum fun.org. And if you want to leave us a voicemail, go to your phone and put in these numbers. 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh, SpyPod 1, like these people have.

Hey, Dave Graham and possible guest. This is Lori from Illinois calling in with an overheard. I was at the bank yesterday with my kids, and we overheard an older, grizzled gentleman on speakerphone with, we think, his credit card company trying to figure something out. He was obviously pretty annoyed with the automated phone system. And when at one point during the call it asked him what ethnicity he was, and he just went, I'm an American.

And then a couple minutes later, the system asked him to please use a short phrase to describe the issue he was experiencing. And he just went, fuck. No friggin' way. Off I go. Yeah, I, man. I've had, I've done that. I've done with the robot back and forth.

And it always, its default is, I don't understand. I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying. And not that a human would be any better. It's really cool that we now have robots asking our ethnicities. By the way, I'm asking for a friend. Yeah. And what if that was, what if that was like a bug in the system that was the robot learning? Like, you know what?

I'm going to try it. My own question. That wasn't on the script. Yeah, wait. We're supposed to ask that. You need to get us in trouble. I don't care. Yeah, I don't give you shit.

Robot. I believe what I believe. What is that? I'm still working it out. Yeah. I need to build a database of ethnicities. I'm going to see which ones I prefer talking to. And who's more rude?

That American? Rude. Yeah. Yeah. All right, next phone call. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Owen calling in from Dallas, Texas. Relatively new listener, so I'm going back through the catalog,

and I'm sending in this overheard my first. I was mailing something, and I could hear the lady next to me talking to the clerk, and she was spelling out an address, and she gets to the letter D and says, no, D like divorce. And I just thought, of all the words to clarify the letter D. All right. Off I go.

What would be your go-to for D? A dearly departed wife. From the divorce. He's done every single letter he does that. That's D as in divorce. Dog custody lost. X as in X-wife. He is in ex-wife spelled the right way.

X is an ex-wife. wife as though she's a member of the X-Men. Ex-wife would be a great X-Men. Yeah, she's, she would be, oh, I guess if she, she was part of the X-Men, she'd be good. She'd be a good guy. Yeah, ex-wife, okay. Ex-wife. What's her power that she does?

I can't remember. Alimony. She's always asking Professor X for Alimony. She's using 50% of her husband's powers. It's the law, man. It's the law. You need to lawyer up, Cyclops. And here's your final phone call.

Hey, Dave and Graham and excellent guests. This is Sarah from Bendigo in Australia, calling with an overhead. A little while ago, I was at a cafe just waiting for a takeaway coffee. And this sort of boomer-aged, man came into the cafe and he walks up to the barista who's really busy making a ton of coffees. And there was another staff member right next to her at the cash register, but he didn't want to talk to that staff member for some reason. He went straight to the barista.

And he said, oh, excuse me, she's like, yeah. Um, do you do any sort of, um, any sort of like a, um, like a hot chocolate? And she's like, uh, yeah? And he goes, uh, okay, um, like, what sort? And she sort of pauses because she doesn't know how to answer. And he goes, like, do you do like a big hot chocolate? or like a little hot chocolate or something in between. And then my coffee was ready and I had to go.

So I didn't catch the rest, but it really made me laugh. Off I go. That's really good. That's really good. Something in between. There's got to be another word. Yeah, I definitely don't want the big one, but I'm not sure I want the small one either.

What types do you make? We make the type that's large. We make the type that's small. Could you make a large one but make it not full? Yes. Or maybe two smalls. Goldilocks didn't like the big chair. Or the small chair.

She liked the one in between. Do you think in Australia when there's a boomer in a coffee shop that anyone's tempted to say, okay, boomerang? Nice. Yep. Yep. When she was saying barista, I would like to hear how she says barrister. Oh, like a British lawyer? Same boat.

Give us a call back. Give us a call back. Yeah. A minister. And isn't Australia home of the flat white? Yes. White, tall whites as well? This is the latte language.

Yeah, there's a different latte language they have south of the equator. Wow. Yeah. And the lattes spin the. other one. Oye, yoy, yoy, yoy. Hey, that's like it. What do you call?

Did you redo? Did you do? Okay. I like the sound of this old man. I wish to know more about him. Yeah. Fascinating. I do like, you know, because since Starbucks came around 35 years ago and kind of like disrupted

the coffee space. They did. Yeah. I like that there's still people who are, it's new to them. Like, okay, what do you do here? Yeah. So you take, this person takes murder and you make it on this machine? What's all with all the noises it's making?

What's with all the steam coming out? I just want a hot chocolate. Is that too much to ask? Just the something sized hot chocolate. Yeah, I tried to order from the stand next to the ice rink, but they aren't serving this time. a year. Sorry.

Oh, no, please. I was just going to say that brings us to the end of this episode. Oh, no. Mark, you have this brand new podcast. And where is it? And it's called? It's called. Yeah.

Trampoline World. I mean, Park. The Nightmare Boys. It's called Nightmare Party. Yes. Yes. And it will be coming out at some point. point soon.

Yep. Yes. Every week. A couple of weeks. Every week, I believe. Every week. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Yes. And at least three episodes where you get to hear three dogs. Traveling to Dog London. Oh, is everyone dogs? Most people are dogs. Okay. Sounds like a little boy who got his wish. Yeah, it really is.

Every once in a while a human comes along. And that's just that. Oh, man. Imagine a world where it's, It's mostly dogs and only a few humans. That little boy would have his wish. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Well, I don't know if he gets to keep his address. That's true. Yo, let me keep that address. Making a wish to a genie? And then in dog world, the mailman would bark from the yard at the dog that's delivering to the yard. In the dog world, mailman bark at you. Exactly. You know, Yaakov Smyranov is in town for the festival?

Yeah. I know somebody who went saw him. Oh, really? How was he? Exactly what you'd want. But is he still doing Soviet Russia jokes? Yeah, well, he's, yeah, you think he maybe has updated. He's got some new Russia jokes.

Yeah, not even Soviet no more. Yeah, exactly. In post-Soviet Russia. Yeah. In post-Soviet socialist republics. Well, thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you for having me. Anybody out there that's in Toronto on March 14th, I'll be doing a show at Comedy

Boar on Danforth. And that's Comedy Bar on Danforth. That's Comedy Boar on Danforth. That's comedy boar on And thank you everybody out there for listening. If you haven't been to a trampoline park, give it a try. You know, find yourself. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcast Yourself.

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