Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 94 - Scott Simpson

Episode Date: December 29, 2009

Scott Simpson of You Look Nice Today joins us to talk about fantasizing, Rockettes, and DeLoreans.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode 94 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and joining me as always is the man they call the original Teen Wolf, Dave Shumka. Yeah, yeah, I was before Justin Bateman. Jason Bateman? Justine Bateman. Justine Bateman, correct.

Yeah. Wait, no, Michael J. Fox was before Jason Bateman Who was in the prequel? Me You, the original Teen Wolf Kid Teen Wolf they called you In your pool playing days Teen Wolf babies

And joining us here on the podcast A guest Up from the US of A A fellow podcaster Of the You Look Nice Today podcast. And an avid Twitterer. And just a real all-around nice guy, I think. Mr. Scott Simpson is our guest.

I asked for pro-Twitterer was what I asked for. Pro-Twitterer. Oh, sorry. Go out, don't worry. You say it. We'll edit it in over my voice. Sure. As if I said it.

Pro-Twitterer. Yeah. Should we get to know us. Sure. As if I said it. Bro, Twitterer. Yeah. Should we get to know us? Sure. Get to know us. So, Scott, how's it going? Good, good. What's shaking?

Well, it's really exciting for me to be here and to be talking to you guys because I really love your show and I'm a huge fan. We're a fan of your show as well, we huge fan. We're a fan of your show as well, we should say. We're one fan of your show. I didn't think when I recorded this when we would be recording this together

that you'd also be talking on the cell phone with your other ear and sort of one-minuting me the whole time. And stretch and wrap it up. I didn't know how busy you guys were, I guess. I always figured you were just hanging out, palling around. I kind of give dog hand signals, too.

Yeah. You sent me that little doggy sign language, those PDFs beforehand. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with those. And I do the Asian version of Come Here, where you put your fingers pointing down. That's also jellyfish in American sign language. And it's also limpristy. Yeah. Dave and I run our own gay Asian dog grooming business.

Yeah. So you'd be surprised how often. Oh, and also a lot of our clients are deaf. I imagine you get a lot of Greg Kinnear sidekick movie work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Yes. Oh, my, yeah. Yes. Yes. Oh, my goodness.

Enough already. Yeah, I'm at the point of turning it down at this point because I've got too much. So, Sky, you are from, is it California? Yes, I'm from the Bay Area in California. And your wife, Canadian, by naturalization. Is that what they say? By birth, I think they say. What is naturalization? I think that's after? By birth, I think they say. What is naturalization?

I think that's after birth. Oh, it's the after birth? The placenta. The placenta, okay. That looks Canadian. That's actually how you can tell if it's Canadian or not, is the after birth. Oh, yeah, okay, that's Canadian. There it is.

Yes, my wife is Canadian. She's from Calgary. Alberta. Yes. And I've been there once. Yeah. It was just great. It was fine.

Yeah? It's fine. It is fine. It's fine. It's not post-apocalyptic. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah.

It's not like that movie The Road. No. Yeah. There's stuff. Houses. Plumbing. Yeah. There's a place called Cowboys

Jeremy Piven apparently hangs out there If you follow his twittering He hasn't upgraded to a pro account yet Yeah I don't know Is it pro twit or twit pro Twit pro quo I'll look into it So you're up here for the holidays

Yes up here for the holidays And Yes, up here for the holidays. Nice. And very excited because I really enjoy Vancouver. It's a beautiful city. Are you an outdoorsy type of skier now? No. In fact, I resent that about people. There are people who are outdoorsy?

I resent that that's such a de facto thing. That you're allowed to just say, yeah i hike yeah yeah no no i hike and then i i i like to to just do shit outside like that doesn't count as a thing i am yeah yeah that's the thing like that that to me should be fringe behavior like the rest of us like we should be inside and and you know if you want to go outside that can be like it's like that should be like chess level of hobby. So like, do you think like originally like hikers and stuff, they were the weirdos. Right. And now they've kind of somehow brought society with them.

How did that work? And you say Vancouver is a beautiful city. Yes. But I feel like an outdoorsy person would claim that more. I know what you mean. Like, yeah, like they may, maybe the beauty belongs to them a little bit more than it belongs to you. Oh, I see what you're saying.

I see what you're saying. Like, go home. Like, it's beautiful when you're not here. Well, take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints. Right. There's a lot of that in Vancouver. There's a lot of people who,

and you'll see it if you walk around, there's a lot of people who are dressed as if a hike will happen at any point. Can you do that? Can someone just call hike? Everybody has to leave. It's a flash mob of hikers. Oh, God, I got this test coming up.

Fuck it. Hike. Hike. Put on your polar fleece. Already on. Yeah, already on. You'll see it a lot and it's like um you i have like these kind of fantasies about these people like they're just in town until the ranch gets you know until the fence gets built i don't understand you have fantasies

about these people yeah not erotic fantasies but fantasies involving them owning a ranch yeah dave i've got a lot of mind freaks a broad spectrum of fantasy yeah yes i'm not just i don't you know just what what do you fantasize about oh outside it's sexual i don't want to hear about that oh geez um laziness i fantasize about being lazy yeah uh money I fantasize about having all the money. Yeah. You having none. Me having none? I fantasize about your failure.

So you fantasize about you being rich and me being outside pressing my face up against your window and it's cold out and you're warm, maybe burning money? Yeah, and I'm singing It's Cold Outside to myself. You could have a servant sing it to you if you were that rich. Your fantasies stink. Also, I have perfect pitch. How about you?

When you were talking about fantasies, I was realizing that... A moment ago? Yes. I was realizing that my sexual fantasies more and more... Of course, no matter how sexual your fantasy is there's always a prelude, there's always a preamble that involves some sort of setup.

I fucked these hikers. Did I mention that? On their ranch. I should have said that part. It helps it make sense. Let's make goat cheese. Generally, you know, there will be some sort of setting, right? Because every fantasy includes that setting. A four-poster bed. Yeah, the outer space. let's make goat cheese generally you know there will be some sort of there's some sort of setting right

because every fantasy includes that setting a four poster bed yeah outer space I'm teaching somebody English flying carpet don't you dare

close your eyes nomads and so I unfortunately though I found more and more that what intend to be sexual fantasies end up being just sort of

non-sexual fantasies. I get sort of wrapped up in why doesn't this girl, this poor 18 year old girl from Mongolia speak English? Why doesn't she speak English? Well, obviously it's a post-Soviet country and there are real issues

and then before I know it I'm'm Googling Ulaanbaatar. You're like, how can I help this girl? Yes. What kind of trade could I teach her? That's very funny. In Vancouver, I've seen pretty homeless girls, and I've been like, oh, you know. Like, what do you mean? Like, they're pretty homeless?

Is that what you mean? Oh, yeah. The whole nine yards. Four days a week. Yeah, they're pretty homeless. No, but like, you're like, oh, you're kind of, and you think you're maybe too pretty to be homeless. Like, when you see a pretty girl on the bus, like, someone should have given you a ride.

I always think if there's a pretty girl on the bus, there's something wrong with her. Because she would have gotten a ride if she had a better personality. I'm going to scratch ride the bus in Vancouver off my list of things to do here. Because if there are no pretty girls, I'm not going there.

No, that's the thing. Because there's this one bus line that goes east-west, and it goes along Broadway towards the university. So you do get quite a mishmash of people. By mishmash, you mean young students. Yeah, Mongolian students looking for shelter and maybe a hot meal. Where do I go?

Excuse me, sir. Where do I go? I don't know. Help me. I don't speak English. Not very well. I don't know why I talk like this. I was in a helium accident. When I was about seven, my family went to France,

and there was a family of gypsies. We call them Negroes in the US. There were these beggar children of some ethnicity. And they came up to my dad and started stroking his arm.

Oh, that's effective. And sticking their tongue out. Oh, wow. If they were making a noise, it would be... But they weren't making a noise. And for the rest of my life, my entire childhood, whenever we begged our dad for something,

we would stroke his arm. Is that because you saw him hand over his whole wallet? No, but this was an international incident. And we would stroke his arm and then you'd blow him. For all intents and purposes. But that kind of got

dumbed down. It started as and then we would just spell out, we would just pronounce as So you would go stick out your hand and go We would just please blah, blah, blah as buttle, buttle. So you would go, like, stick out your hand and go buttle, buttle? We would just please buttle. Oh, you'd stroke your... Stroke the arm.

Please, buttle, buttle. That's awesome. I love family language and how that evolves over time. It's sort of handed down, and then it also comes out. Do you... Graham, do you have... No, I am trying to think of something where it's like a phrase that would only exist. The phrase that pays.

Well, that is your phrase that pays, buttle buttle yeah um i don't i don't uh i don't think i have one that exists between my me and my parents that i can think of okay but uh i know for a long time and i just just recently came full circle uh there was a lot was a long time ago in the back of comic books, they used to have a page of cartoons that would be a comic book hero advertising hostess cakes or Twinkies or something like that. Like Mighty Mouse. No, it would be like Spider-Man or the Hulk. And there was this one comic strip.

I remember my brothers and I thought it was hysterical because uh at one point Hulk's only line in the strip is Hulk no understand and we were like what if somebody took the time to try and teach Hulk like more can I can I can I interpret story for this like sure that's um sexual fantasy number two he speaks about he's got about the same amount of english as the mongolian i just swap it right in we pictured this like this guy taking like years and years to try and teach hulk how to speak more words than hulk no understand and at the end of that whole period all he all that he was able to say is like breakthrough day was, Hulk, overstand. So then that became short form for if you had to spend a lot of time doing a task, became Hulk overstand.

Love it. Scott, do you? We had a misstep recently. We misfired. I spent a little bit of time in Japan, and so I speak Japanese. And so as a result, some of our family words have some sort of root in the Japanese word. And then they, well, like, actually, I just learned this. Sukoshi is a Japanese word for a little bit, which became skosh.

That's the origin of skosh, which I didn't know. That's not our family. i didn't know huh that's not our family we didn't invent that that's somebody else i've never heard climate i've never heard that what we invented was uh yeah oh you've never heard skosh no for just a little a skosh no yeah it's not a great word it's not bad it's fine it's fine yeah you know but skosh sounds a lot like scooch yeah which means like you scoche over there? Which means, like, move it over a bit. Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway.

Yeah. Sorry. What am I supposed to do with that, Graham? I don't know. God. I'm becoming less of a fan of this podcast. Oh, from that one line? Yeah.

Well, that's how it happens. So our misfire was that we've been using kind of the Japanese word for mouth when I'd be like, oh, come on, but I shorten it. Come on, honey, open your mouth for the last bite. Have the last bite. You have children, right? Yes. Back to the Mongolian girl. I've actually

been learning Japanese to enrich my sexual fantasy. I'm a rich Japanese businessman. It turns out that I'm a rich Japanese businessman. It turns out that she doesn't speak Japanese either. Three years wasted. Hulk overstand. So yeah, the Japanese word for mouth is kuchi.

And so we shortened it to kuch. So I've been telling my daughter, open your kuch. Open your kuch. Oh no. And it didn't really occur to me until we had really made it part of the family language. And so now the children say cooch all the time for mouth. Wow. Put it in your cooch. Open your cooch. Open your cooch, Mayu. Open your cooch. Now, did you – you spent time in Japan? Yeah, I just did the English teacher after college thing. Did you – a lot of people have said that when they've come back from Japan, they're like, oh, you got to do that. And I don't think it would be for everybody. No, no, no. But did you enjoy it?

Well, you got to try the hot wings. Teriyaki? I heard they're good. I did. I wasn't particularly interested before I went. It wasn't really a place that I thought I would go. There was just a girl that I was dating who was from there, and so I followed her. Then I showed up at her door, and she let me in. And so I stayed for a few years. And I ended up really liking it.

It's very different culturally. It's just generally more restrictive and generally more kind of buttoned up. But as a result, it's very nice and very clean and people are polite and it's very safe. It's great. Yeah, it's a lovely place. And I think I was especially protected

because I didn't have any really high expectations of finding the Buddha or something like that. So as a result, I found the Buddha. Are there people... Where was he? The Buddha. When you're over there and teaching English, are there any kind of like rogue English teacher? Kind of like in the apocalypse now, like a guy who's been there.

Like the Walkins. Yeah, like he's been there too long and he's lost touch with what he is or where he's from. I flew back with a guy who's exactly like that, who had been living in the kind of the party area of Tokyo for maybe 14 or 15 years.

Yeah, that's the guy. And they become, I think, like kind of, if you stayed young looking forever, but you really had lived for 50 years, you start to look sort of not wrinkly, but sort of pouchy and puffy and red-faced and just gross. They get gross. They're in some sort of eternal adolescent state. Because it is sort of a... It's a phase job.

A PJ. Yeah, it's a PJ. And so you hope that you become PPJ, post-PJ at some point. PB and J. It's not to say that teaching English is in any way a PJ. It's just that that type of kind of... You're going through a P.

How many hours a week would you work? Because I know a couple people that are any way of PJ. It's just that type of kind of... You're going through a P. Yeah. How many hours a week would you work? Because I know a couple of people that are teaching English and have done for many years, and they only work this very small amount of time a week, and then they've got a lot of time for things like that, drinking.

Are you asking me as sort of a roundabout way of asking me if I have time in my schedule to give you a lesson? Well, if... Because we know you're still an English teacher. Well, just because it's your FL doesn't mean it can't be your SL as well.

You could... I'm going to need some kind of chart at the end of this. There's too many abbrevs. But yeah, I've always pictured that there would be that person That would just Stay

And yeah The work week is pretty short Yeah It's pretty tiring But I liked it Yeah it was a lot of fun I met my wife there She was another teacher

Okay And so that paid off Sorry ladies Yeah Sealed up Two kids Yeah His kids were wife there. She was another teacher. Okay. And so that paid off. Sorry, ladies. Yeah. Sealed up. Two kids. Yeah, his kids were conceived in wedlock. Dave, what's going on with you, buddy? Let's see.

We are recording this pre-Christmas. It will be released post-Christmas. Pre-cramples. Sure. That's my new thing that I'm into. I don't do Christmas anymore. I told you last week about

how that girl showed up at that party. That girl! Yeah, Krampus we call her. Yeah, she stole Scrooged. And then she was double Scrooged. Yeah, she was reverse Scrooged. And we had a Scrooged. And then she was double Scrooged. She was reverse Scrooged. And we had a Scrooged viewing party.

And? Results? It was 90 minutes long. Yep. And my friend Simon brought a cake. And he went to Dairy Queen and he picked out a cake. And he had them write Mary Krampus on it. Yay! This sounds like a good party.

Yeah. Sounds like it has all the elements. Well, that's about it. Oh, so it was missing some elements. But last night I went to a professional hockey game. Oh, NHL? Yes. National Hockey League.

Can I interrupt for just a second? Yeah, please. NHL, does it bother you when people say the whole thing as if you don't know what it is? Is that a commentator thing? National Hockey League. Can I interrupt for just a second? Yeah, please. NHL, does it bother you when people say the whole thing as if you don't know what it is? Is that a commentator thing? National Hockey League? When they're talking about the NHL? Because with football, if you ever watch a football commentary, they always say National Football League. I wonder if that isn't a legality or something where they have to say it so many times or else the candy man will appear.

Yeah. Maybe. I hope so. Yeah. Because I don't think they ever do say it so many times or else the candy man will appear yeah maybe i hope so yeah i don't i do because i don't think they ever do say do they ever say national hockey league probably during i don't really pay attention to that does does it bother you when it happens in your football thank you for asking dave let's get let's make this about scott it's not worth it please get to no no no no Does it? It does because It does because I think that they're saying it In that sort of

Over Over detail speak That some people use I think like criminals use that When they talk about the crimes That they've committed You know like Oh you know

So I went to jail for Possession without intent 17B You just say drug. I had drugs. Right, right. So there's that sort of like extra detail speak that people in certain industries or levels of education use. Do you see it as an overcompensation for perhaps a lower level of intelligence?

Or education. Okay. Maybe a lower – or a feeling of inferiority. But usually football commentators, a feeling of inferiority. But all, usually football commentators, a lot of them are former football players, so they've all gone to college. Yeah. True. That's true.

And probably. I saw the program. I read Terry Bradshaw's book. But do they, because they also say when you watch baseball, they often say. Major League Baseball? Yeah, the formal announcements, they say... Major League Baseball? Yeah, the formal announcements, they always say Major League Baseball. But they very rarely say National Hockey League during the commentating.

Well, I've never heard anybody say... The only time I've ever heard somebody say National Hockey League is when they're describing to somebody who's not from this country what the NHL stands for. I don't think I would even... I would just assume it was National Hockey League. There's nothing else it could be. Yes. So that's why. Well, that's what every pro sport is. It's not, there's not a lot of, it's either a league or an association. It's usually national.

But I actually, I don't watch football very often, but this is the time of year I do because I like watching people play sports in the snow. In the snow, yeah. It's fun to see somebody skid out and create that first, like where it's all white, and then create that first strip of green. That's good.

That's good watching. And I like seeing guys in toques. I like that they... What? Why do I like that? That's a weird... No reason not to. Also, they can kind of get together

some sort of pseudo-warm clothing for the cheerleaders. Yeah. Like, they've been able to get, like, hand warmers or something for them. That's pretty great. I do like how they bring out and fully branded,

fully articulated branding for something they'll use once or twice. Always, it's really on the cutting edge of warmth technology, too. They'll have some sort of heat cannon on the sideline. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dyson heat cannon.

Mountain Dew heat cannon. yeah, yeah. Dyson heat cannon. Mountain Dew heat cannon. Oh, wow. Yesterday, the New York Jets were playing, and their cheerleaders were wearing Santa outfits to keep them warm. I like that, like the Rockettes. Yeah. Yeah. They all kicked real high. See?

What's the appeal of the Rockettes in this day and age? In this day and age tradition. Back in the other days, it was... Gams. Yeah, gams and lots of them. I haven't looked at a Rockette in 10 years because I'm afraid of centipedes. And it just sets it off. So, Scrooge, did you enjoy or did you not enjoy? Yeah, I enjoyed it.

Um, I, I don't think I had ever seen it before. Oh, really? It's, uh, we, we had some questions afterwards. Like, why did they never mention, uh, cause he's making, uh, he's a TV executive and they're making a live Christmas Eve broadcast of... A Christmas Carol. Well, they call it Scrooge. They call it Scrooge. There's no mention of A Christmas Carol,

which is certainly in the public domain. Why can't they mention A Christmas Carol? You can shed some light on this. Why would I be able to shed some light? You look a little bit like Charles Dickens. I look Dickensian a little bit. I don't know. I don't know why they would i don't think i think there was a period of time when uh it stopped being called a christmas

carol and it was called scrooge in the in that time period that it was made i think people were calling that particular story scrooge and not yeah Yeah, like the poem A Visit from St. Nicholas, everyone calls Twas the Night Before Christmas. Yes. So I think it was one of those things. And then it came back around with, I think, the Muppets maybe ushered it back into A Christmas Carol. The Muppets' Christmas Carol

is one of my top Christmas memories. Because I remember it was the last day of school. I was in like grade six. And it was quiet around the house. I don't know. I don't know any of that. We've all been to Dave's TopChristmasMemories.com.

So you don't need to go over this again. It's a surprise that you could buy the domain name. It was.net for a long time Until the other person let it lapse Yeah It was Lil' Kim For charity Lil' Kim cares I don't need to bore you with my Christmas memories

The other thing from Scrooged Was that At the very end Everyone sings It's Christmas Eve And everyone everyone, for some reason, gets together to sing, and everyone knows the words to the song, Put a Little Love in Your Heart. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's true. That doesn't make any sense. It makes very little sense. Released as the single for the movie, right? I'm certain. An eight-minute version playing over the credits. All I would know is the chorus i mean i'd be i would enjoy being there and the world will be a better place for you and me just wait and see oh okay so i got that in my back pocket if it ever comes up

uh but uh you know maybe a maybe like a Christmas song. I thought it was Auld Lang Syne, but no, you're right. No, that's the, what's the Jimmy Stewart one? Oh, Miracle on the Rear Window. What was it called? It's a wonderful life. Graham, why don't we get to know you? Okay, two things.

You sicken me. Why? I don't know. You're not going to be invited to my mansion in my fantasy. You're ranching. Yeah, it's a ranch-style mansion. It's a ranching. Okay, first things... Will there be a luncheon?

Yeah, there will be a luncheon at my ranch and style mansion. Is your favorite South Korean city Incheon? Why do you look so angry, Dave? I know, I'm trying to think of other chins. What did the cop beat you with? A truncheon. What did we find in the ocean? An urchin.

Trenchant I've only ever heard in the novel 1984. I've never heard it. And the song, We Will All Welcome You to Trenchantland. Munchkinland. You've been arrested. That's what the cops sing when you get booked. They all get together.

It's like it's a birthday. It's like, oh God, somebody's been arrested. We gotta sing the song again. We all welcome you to truncheon land. Of course, we can't sing the traditional happy truncheon because that's trademarked. Okay. One thing, and you know this from a couple weeks ago.

I know. The new place I've moved into, there's a lot of problems with it. No furniture. There was no heat for a long time. My shower broke over the weekend, so I had 48 hours of non-showering. The faucet handle stopped working. It was broke and needed to be replaced. So you could only get scalding hot water.

So there was no bathing, which is fine for 24 hours because that can happen even naturally. You have a busy day and you're like, oh, I just didn't even shower. But after the 36-hour to 48-hour lapse, it affects you mentally, first of all, that you just are like, well, I'm not even going to do the dishes. Why the fuck should I? I'm filthy. Everything around me should also be filthy.

And then you just stop even doing things that you should be doing, like errands canceled. Yeah. I smell too bad to send this package to grandma. I smell too bad to send this package to grandma. So that, how fast I turn greasy, I'm shocked by. Like when I see homeless people, I think I could get to their level inside of four days. Like a level that we're talking probably a month steady of them, no showering or limited showering, I am able to amass that inside of less than a week.

Which I'm not saying that as a point of pride. I'm actually deeply ashamed that I am able to regress that quickly. The beard doesn't help. What, looks-wise? Yeah. Yeah, no. The General Dickensian demeanor. It's a problem.

Yes. But yeah, I devolve very quickly. Yeah, it's weird that like a sport coat on a homeless guy, it doesn't really class them up. No, it's like a battle of wills there, and the sports coat has very little will in that fight. It's going to be homicized instead of it going the other way. Yeah, but they can't force him to wear a sport coat at a fancy restaurant because he's already got one. He'll just be able to invoke the barefoot clause

Right Oh, also you have no pants on Oh, right I guess you took the jacket requirement literally Yeah, and you've also stolen our no shirt, no sign off the wall So that's clearly in contravention And you brought a copy of Phil Collins' No Jacket Required. And the patches on the elbows seem more authentic on a homeless.

Agreed. Because they've earned them. Yeah. He's probably actually patching something. You get to see their rank. Is that what you're saying when you say they earned them? Yeah, how many patches you have shows you what level they're at. Oh, cool. You cut them open and you see the rings.

Oh, cool. So there's that. So that's one of the features of living in the new place. The second feature, and you saw it, is that I live around the corner from somebody who owns a DeLorean. Yes. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, and it's really fascinating because I pass it every day. And Dave was dropping me off the other week, and I said,

Dave, look, it's a guy getting into DeLorean, and you got excited and honked at him, which then scared him. Well, I'm sure. Yeah. Oh, no, but he's got to be used to getting honked at. Yeah, but I'm trying to just, at a distance, I mean, I don't want to spoil the illusion for myself, but he's a big guy with a completely shaved head and a very short, beautiful girlfriend. But every time I see them getting in,

there's just like a, there's such an air of mystery. I don't know what he does. I don't know where he's going. But wherever he's going, he probably doesn't need Ro. The first thing is that maybe the DeLorean that was featured in the music waste promos a few months back. Probably. It probably was. Yeah.

It's in great condition, too. That's the other thing. It's in beautiful condition. We were talking about fantasies. Yeah. A few years ago, maybe 10 years ago, I used to go on eBay and look at the price of DeLoreans. Wow.

My fantasy was buying two DeLoreans. Then get them to fuck. Rev them up to 88 miles per hour. One would be just a throwaway DeLorean to teach myself to drive standard on. Oh, I see.

And the other would be for legitimate use and, you know, tail chasing. Yeah, get rid of tannins. Is that why you looked at two? Like, really? You thought in fantasy world. Yeah, getting rid of tannins. Is that why you looked at two? Like, really? You thought, in fantasy world. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Because I can't drive standards to this day. Right. Me neither. I can. So, I guess I'm better than you guys?

I guess so. Oh, alright. Well, I feel pretty good about that. Alright, for a homeless. Yeah,

you know what? I may be homeless and in your fantasy world starving outside of your mansion. Hold on a second. Oh, yeah. No, it says on your patch. It says standard.

It says standard. You can drive standard on this patch. Yeah, exactly. That's my standard patch. No, he's good. Sorry. I didn't see that. I would have been more respectful.

No, you know, that was – there are different shapes in Canada and America. That's the problem. That's what it was. That's all right. Different shapes in Canada and America. That's what it was. That's what it was. That's all right.

Is DeLorean still, is it still like, it's not a sign of wealth. No. It's got to be an ironic statement. It's a collector's, like there's clubs. Sure. Well, there's clubs for everything. Yeah. Hair clubs.

Yeah. For one. Alcoholics Anonymous. Yeah. That's a club. Crunchinsins are clubs yeah seal clubs um pamela anderson hates them so much oh really um but yeah they so you know the story of the how the delorean like why that car exists have you ever heard that story please grandpa oh well around, young tannins. Is it December 21st already? Time for Graham's story about the origin of DeLoreans again.

The first DeLorean. But it was this guy. He worked for several major car manufacturers. John Z. DeLorean. That's his name, John DeLorean. I know, because when I would look up DeLoreans on eBay, there would be a ton of model, back to the future model cars,

and then a bunch of tell-all biographies about John Z. DeLorean. Yeah, he was like this really eccentric character. I wonder what the Z stands for. To this day, don't care enough to look it up. Yeah, zucchini. It's gotta be. Well, Zebra, also

a frontrunner. It's a really short dictionary entry. Yeah, he just got this sense that he had gotten to a certain point in the automobile industry where he knew everything about marketing a car and building a car. So surely he would be able to run his own company.

And he came up with the DeLorean, which was made of stainless steel, which was the only car like it on the market. But the thing was about it is that the model of it with the gullwing doors, it let in so much water. Like it was basically – so they would rust in all the joints and they became almost impossible to maintain. Like it would be something you would buy and there'd be an instant liability. Yeah, because you're making a car out of something that's pretty rust prone. Yes. And then you're making it in a way that makes it more rusty.

Rusty. And so then what happened though though, was that it basically, this guy's career was over and the DeLorean became just, it was like something that had passed. It was only that Robert Zemeckis thought, we need, because originally it was supposed to be

a time-traveling fridge they were going to use in Back to the Future. Is that true? Yeah. Wow. And it was also originally supposed to be Eric Stoltz. Yeah, that's correct.

Gross. It is gross. I'll bet he has a smelly penis. I don't know why. I just look at some people and I think, smelly genitals. You know the guy from, the guy who used to lead in, what's that show? Entourage. Yes.

Apparently, there was a- Very smelly penis. Really? There was a groupie- That's not halitosis. That's something else. Kutukosis. I was trying to think. I guess if your dick could breathe, it would be halitosis.

I went to school. But if your dick could breathe, it wouldn't smell so bad. Just let it breathe. If your dick could breathe, it wouldn't smell so bad. Just let it breathe. If your dick could smell, it wouldn't smell so bad. Yeah, so anyway, so that's the story

of the DeLorean, which is a pretty good story. Have you ever seen the Canadian gullwing door car that was manufactured for... It was probably a bigger failure than the DeLorean. Was it called the Canada Goose? It was called the Bricklin.

The Bricklin? Yeah. No, never heard of it. B-R-I-C-K-L-I-N. I don't know why gullwing doors seemed like such a thing, but it was. Why a Canadian company would make a sports car at all? Well, it harkens back to the time when it was still possible

not to be a megacorp and build something like a car. And so you had much more variety. That's fun. You know, it is fun. It is fun. Like in a time when a small business could be a car menu. Yeah, sure. Mom and pop. Right, right, right. Mom and pop cars.

Yeah. I think we just got to the essence of why there are no more mom and pop car shops. So yeah, so there's that. And also, I think I put it on Facebook, but I was at the laundromat. Everyone be Graham's Facebook friend. And I was watching a portion of Grease on the television at the laundromat.

And I never realized this before watching it this past Sunday, is that there's a line in it where they're singing about Grease lightning. And the line is, it's such a dream the girls will cream. The chicks will cream. The chicks will cream. I never realized that that was in Greece. Did they talk about this on Never Not Funny a little while ago? Did they?

About something with the tit? Was there a tit mentioned? I don't... That just... It blew me away because I never had heard that. Because that's a fairly advanced dirty word in that context. It makes you wonder if maybe it had a pre-modern meaning, a pre-modern day meaning.

Maybe to cream back then would be to lactate uncontrollably. Hey, you're making me cream, mom! Stop it, mom. When I was a teenage boy, I used to subscribe to Rolling Stone magazine. And here's something that will place it in a very specific time. There was a red carpet event with John Popper. Blues Traveler's John Popper.

Pre-stomach stapling. Of the vest of harmonicas. Did he have to play less harmonicas when he got skinny? That thing was flopping everywhere. I can't do he flat anymore, guys. I'm sorry. I don't have room on the... No flats. No flats. more guys i'm sorry i don't have room on the anyway i no flats no flats there's no way the

band has songs in all 12 keys uh but he uh uh john popper was at a red carpet event with um quentin tarantino and quentin tarantino was this kind of wonderkind at the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was some video store clerk. Yeah, he'd come out of nowhere and he had all these like, oh, you know, he'd spent his whole life in a video store in his parents' basement. Yeah. But somehow he knew a little bit about everything. Yeah.

And he, according to John Popper, he grabbed one of his microphones and played this virtuoso riff on it. And John Popper said, I creamed my jeans. Oh, in Rolling Stone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in his case. And the Rolling Stone writer even wrote, ew. But in his case, in Popper's case, it was that he was trying to smuggle out a banana cream pie from the party. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Oh, man, I just creamed my jeans. Thanks, Quentin. Well, shall we move on to the overheard? Yes, overheards. Overheard. All right yes overheards overheard all right overheards uh things that have uh been overheard in in general life i i imagine this time of year waiting in line to see santa possibly haven't got one yet but uh that doesn't mean have you been waiting in line to see santa no no not not me out there the other people uh no i haven't the common people

yeah the uh grunts so we call them i call them scrunts normies norm normies um the you know the grunts the scrunts the normies they all love them uh right um the sportos the scrunts uh yeah so things overheard in general life. We like to start with the guest, Scott, if you would. I was in line at my local neighborhood coffee shop a few days ago. Mermaid logo, green kind of branding. Okay. And I was waiting there, and there were two kids studying at the table near me. And they were like Asian-American kids.

And they were done up in just totally kind of like crazy comic book, spiky blonde hair, crazy leather, super neon clothes. Harajuku girls. Yes. They were two boys. Super kawaii. And they were students. They were like high school students. and they were students.

They're like high school students, and so they're just madly flipping through, obviously cramming three books stacked up on the table, and I didn't really, my line passed by, so I didn't get to hear a lot of what they were studying or talking about, but the one kid said to the other kid, madly flipping through his books, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

why was Gatsby great again? That's like one of those, like, a Bart Simpson book report where he's just read the title of the book. This is a story about a great guy named Gatsby. Have you ever used Cliff's Notes? Cole's Notes? Cole's Notes? Cole's Notes, yeah. Spark Notes? Spark Notes.

Right. Yeah, yeah. I have a few times. I never have. Do you remember the book? Yeah, I remember Brothers Karamazov. Oh, okay. I really wanted to be the kind of person who read Brothers Karamazov.

Oh, who doesn't? Right? Yeah. Tough guy. But it turns out I'm the kind of guy who reads the Cliff Notes of the Brothers Karamazov. But it turns out I'm the kind of guy who reads the clip notes of the Brothers Karamazov. But that's exactly the kind of thing that they underline in those terrible, terrible books is, you know, notice the symbolism of the use of brothers in page 27. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never under, like, once that existed, I was like, well, then what is school for?

If these books exist and you could just flip through these and go, oh, yeah, okay, got the full thing. I don't, it almost, like, were those things illegal in schools? Were you not supposed to use those? No, they weren't illegal, I don't think. But there was an essay writing service you couldn't use. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, people just, they just download essays off the internet now, right? That's what kids would do.

I think so. Smart kids would do that. Dumbos would just, you know, scrunt. Spoiler alert. In The Brothers Karamazov, the brothers throw themselves in front of a train at the end. It's a whodunit. I thought you were going to say they throw themselves a party brothers forever

we gotta raise enough money we be the brother father zossima is still in jail whatever brothers forever they're good they're uh this has nothing to do with that except that it's brothers throwing a party Hell, whatever. Brothers forever. That's good. This has nothing to do with that, except that it's brothers throwing a party. Do you remember, well, why wouldn't you remember this, but Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Yeah, I remember the show. I never watched it, not once. We didn't get it in Canada. And I used to download it. Really?

Yeah, that's weird, eh? Yeah, that is weird. That's a bizarre admission. That is weird. Oh, as long as we're admitting something weird, I had a dream about you guys last night. Oh, that's not weird at all. I did. You were taking me to the clinic to get my blood drawn.

Which we may do after the show. I didn't want to tell you. Do you need blood work done? I need blood work done. I'm not donating. I didn't want to tell you guys that I was going because I wanted to impress one of the clinicians,

I guess you would call them, there. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hang out. Sure. I was simultaneously trying to get rid of you guys because you took me thinking that I had cancer. We kept jumping in in the middle of your stories. In front of this clinician. Anyway,

I was avoiding you guys. I was trying to find this clinician And there was also somebody named Horny Oh wow Somebody named Horny? Yeah somebody named Horny Oh man That's a great name for a character

Horny P. Watson Yeah For like a character in a college movie Yeah yeah yeah Well that's When I say character It's implied that I'm talking about The college movie I'm writing

Right Horny Academy So that would mean that he's the guy who started the... Yeah, Horny Academy. He's the dean. Dean Horny? Arthur P. Horny IV. What about a complete opposite on the college movie

where it's a party school and there's a kid who goes down there? It's taken over by preppies. Yeah, like the total straight-edge kids that are like, we're here for an education. Yeah. And the teachers are like, you know, I feel good or whatever. You will teach us. We will wear cable knit.

Yeah, and they demand an education, like a proper education. That's proper. Do you think that that's... Yeah, and then they throw a big party at the end of the year. Yeah, the Brothers Karamazov. Throw a party.

With a string quartet. Yeah. Instead of Hoobastank. Instead of Hoobastank. It'll be called instead of Hoobastank. Hoobastank shows up, but they're not let in. anyway uh there were these uh on um uh queer eye for the straight guy there was once this episode with these two brothers named the bravo twins and i'm certain they they picked them because the network was bravo was one of them dino bravo the wrestler okay go on um and they were twins and they were like early 20s and they

lived together and they wrestled each other all the time sounds like dino bravo the wrestler oh right from the movie the wrestler um and he and the these these this these queer guys yeah they moved in and uh they couldn't stop them from wrestling all the time. But they always, in that show, they would make them... But they taught them to Greco-Roman wrestle. Shaking my head. Oh, God. Homophobic.

Or Greek-ophobic. Homocentric. Agoraphobic. They would... In every episode, they would kind like there was the one guy who was like the grooming guy one guy who was the dressing queer but they were doing it while these guys were wrestling the whole time i'm trying to get you dressed and i put one pet leg on you and one pet leg on the other guy uh and then there was one guy who was the, I don't even know.

He was just. Life coach. Yeah, sort of. He would just teach them to. He was their astrologer. Hold a conversation. And one of these things was like, oh, you guys love your grandpa, right? We should have a painting made of your grandpa.

And they were like, I guess we love our grandpa. Can we wrestle the painting? And so they changed their whole apartment, and the centerpiece of their apartment was this enormous mural of their grandpa. And I just imagine that for the rest of their lives, people would come into their apartment and be like, wow, you guys really love your grandpa. And they would have to either say, yeah, we sure do,

or no, we were on Queer Eye for the straight guy. And then the guy's like, what? And he's like, I'll wrestle you. You know what? To avoid this confrontation, let's just wrestle. I always think of the Todd Berry bit whenever I think of that show. Have you ever heard of it?

Probably. Just where they would go, and they would go to the home of a longshoreman, and they're like, wait a minute. You're telling me that you have never used moisturizer on your elbows. You know, however he says it. But that to me was the epitome of that show. They would go to a slob's house, be horrified that the place was slobby,

without which they would have no show, and then fix it. I used to, I still do, use Neutrogena moisturizer, but I use the manly kind because they used to have Norwegian fishermen in the ads. Not for faggots! Yeah.

It says right on the bottle. Yeah. But I use the moisturizer, but I use the face wash for faggots. Yeah. Because your face is gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one with Vanessa Hudgens in the ad.

It tastes like pink grapefruit. They say it smells like pink grapefruit, but they just don't want you to eat it. But it does taste like it. Do you have an overheard? Yeah, I sure do. Or was that your overheard? For the 100th time, we're recording this pre-Christmas, but it's released post-Christmas.

Yeah, yeah. It's real mind freak. Is this your card? I'm holding up the Ace of Spades. So if you currently have the Ace of Spades in your deck, I just blew you. In your whole deck? Yeah. Okay.ades in your deck. I just blew your mind. In your whole deck? Yeah.

Okay. In your upper deck. I went to the mall where people are Christmas shopping for Hanukkah and they, there was,

it was lots of hustle, lots of bustle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Argyle, lots of argyle. Super packed and it was just hard. It was like, I was at the crux, right?

With a food court, met the escalator, met the Hollister. Is that a thing? No, but what is a Hollister? Is that one of the stores? Yeah, okay. So you were at a fork in the road. A big intersection. Yeah, an intersection, okay.

Yeah, and it was really hard to get by. Yeah. And I wasn't forcing people around, but it was slow going, stop and go. Yeah. Oh, that reminds me of a story. I'm just kidding. Oh, Simpson. I love it.

There was a guy sitting on a stool in the middle of all of this and he was sitting on a drummer's throne and he had one what are they, electronic drums? The kind you would play if you were in Duran Duran. Yeah, he was playing Hungry Like the Wolf. Yeah, he was playing just one drum, but

not the kind that makes noise, the electronic kind. Just the drum part from Hungry Like a Wolf. How did you know it was Hungry Like a Wolf? I'm just yes-ending. And he just had the one drum, not a whole kit. Just one guy sitting on a throne, playing one drum.

Doosh! Doosh! Doosh! But making no noise. It's not plugged into anything. And he's got sheet music. And I saw this and I thought it was so funny. And I just was laughing to myself as I made my way through the food court. I had the biggest smile on my face. And I overheard this woman who had, I guess, been through the ringer.

And she saw me and she didn't think I could hear her. And she said, some people are actually smiling. So Christmas shopping is pretty miserable. Oh, man. Yeah. Have you got your shopping done, guys? Nope. You?

I have mostly. Yeah, yeah. I do the, like, accidentally give somebody a present on December 3rd thing and then just call it for Christmas. Yeah, totally. I forgot when Christmas was. I accidentally gave you a present. Well, I got my wife. You know, we moved recently, and so my wife did a ton of work for the move, and so I got her a laptop and then i was also in japan i got her a handbag so uh so you know she's had two december gifts

so if she complains that there's nothing under the tree for her i'll just take the laptop and the handbag and then put them under the tree again right remind her put a bow on them like i did with my lexus um is it fun to shop for kids yeah that must be is is like along the similar lines is that a rebirth of the interest in christmas when you have kids everything yeah you get to relive all the good stuff right that's the really great thing about kids is that you really get to relive like you get to tell your children about star wars yeah and so you get to talk about it again in a really fresh way and not just crack jokes about something or avoid it or whatever. Let's avoid the Star Wars talk.

It's kind of a touchy issue this time of year, but with the Christmas special. Is he ready? Is he ready for it? So that is the great thing about kids. And our kids are so young that they don't really want anything specific. They just want to wake up and have lots of things to open. Yes. Great. God, I wish I had that.

Is Santa a thing? Oh, definitely. What about Krampus? Not yet. But he will be. Once your kids go German. Oh, I'm sorry. That's what you guys were talking about a couple weeks ago, right? Yes.

Now I remember. That's right. That is scary. Yeah, the evil demon that hangs out with Santa. Well, we call him Dad in my family. Sure. Who wants to sit on Krampus' litter? Graham.

Yes, sir. Are you in possession of an overheard? I am. This is from a couple weeks ago when I was at the airport. Ooh, you said it. For the home listener, Graham did a little hand flourish. Looked like a mentalist.

Yeah. When he said airport. I'll believe anything you say now. And there was this guy and a lady, and they were filling out their customs form. And the guy, you could tell that he was a guy who's had to answer a lot of dumb questions.

Like, he's had to field dozens of them. And mostly from her, I'm imagining. Because this question, she was filling it out. And she was filling it, like, intensely. She was, you know, every single square, she was making sure. And then she said to him, where it says countries traveled to besides Canada, should I write none? That guy. Just leave a blank.

Just leave a blank, baby. Yeah, maybe just leave a blank. Save some pen. Save some of that pen we got from the Hilton. Don't waste it all on that customs forum. Save some for me, baby. I feel like I kind of grew up

when I realized that I didn't have to seriously fill out every single question on every single questionnaire. You're not going to be arrested. Right, right. I feel like that was just a tiny liberation and a tiny measure of adulthood. Although, when you go to countries where there's

guys openly with machine guns writing whatever as your address. Or, yeah, estimating something. Poop lane. I have a million dollars worth of stuff I'm bringing. Hey, Graham. Yeah, yeah. Vancouver gets the Olympics in

February, as far as I'm concerned Yeah We Will there be guys with Machine guns Yeah We're gonna have There was a special

Are you organizing This part of it This part of the Olympics Like I'm not The organizer But I'm certainly The mouthpiece You're not the CEO

But you're like a director Yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Junior executive. Yeah, when people got questions, this is who, they're going to come to me. The other guy's too busy, so I'm going to field all of them. You're the face of the organization. And what a face. Yeah, thank you. It was,

there was a gentleman who was in charge of security in Israel, in the West Bank. Dohan. Yeah. And really, if I was to give one piece of advice, do not. You know.

But he said that there will be, during the Olympics, the security structure and number of officials here, security-wise, will far outstrip that that they currently have in the hotbed of conflict in the Middle East so when they say too many

so it's going to be there's not going to nothing's going to happen here because it's everywhere you go it's going to be I think it's one security official for every five people that are here. Okay. Wow. That's an astounding amount. That's crazy.

Securidad Primero, as the Spanish say. Feliz Securidad. Yeah. How are you guys going to cover the Olympics? I mean, you're going to send out reporters? I don't know. I think we should be correspondents for someone. Oh, I think you should be correspondents for yourselves.

I think you should do some sort of, you know... Like remote? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know who loves this kind of show is Olympians. Yeah. Athletes. Foreigners.

Yeah, foreigners. People for whom their language is... You know, English is like the fifth language. Yeah, and people who train every day for something that happens once every four years, and they have a very small window to achieve greatness. And right before it, we're like, who's your favorite Ghostbuster? Yeah. Have you overheard anything funny?

What? What? Funny? What do you know about DeLorean? What? Funny? What do you know about DeLorean? We have some listeners who wrote, were kind enough to write in some overheard.

That was kind of them. This is from Laura M. I think, she says, I think I actually was a speaker of an overheard today. I don't know. That sentence is, it's shaky. But I was walking with a colleague to grab some lunch at the corner grocery.

She is president of her condo association and was telling me stories of some people in her building. Pretty big wheel. Yeah, no kidding, right? As we walked into the deli area, that weird thing happened

where the whole room went silent at the same time and I said to her, well, just because someone has mental problems doesn't mean they can't own property. I added in a voice there to make it more... It's true.

It is true. Most landlords have mental problems. Oh, man. Everyone, I... Well, that's not true. I think I've had a good landlord or... Have you ever had a crazy landlord? Yeah, my last one Did I tell you about my landlord that ate a possum? That's a story for another time

Was it a Beverly Hillbilly? No, he lived on a farm in Abbotsford And a possum fell in his rain barrel And he ate it Like he didn't eat it straight from the rain barrel Right, but it drowned in the rain barrel Yeah, he was like, no use wasting a good drowned

possum. Now, Scott, where do you keep your rain barrel? This is some sort of Oprah thing, right? This rain barrel is more of a euphemism for your womanhood. Right here. He pointed to his I want to say

Solar plexus I thought you were going to point at your posterior Question Is there a famous wine called Dos Pinos? No, no, no We spoke about When I went to Costa Rica There was a brand

What was it called? Dos Pinos There was a brand of apple, what was it called? Dos Pinos. Oh, okay. There was a brand of like apple juice and milk. Oh, gross. Well, no, it wasn't a mixed drink called apple juice and milk by Dos Pinos. Oh, this is from Amy who just wrote, what's better than Dos Pinos?

Tres Pinos, which is apparently a beverage. Not sure if this falls in the category of overseen or not, but I saw this in my mom's cabinet when I was visiting her house and thought you guys would appreciate it. Now, the great thing about it is she took the photo of it in the cabinet. She didn't remove it to take the photo. She opened the cabinet, snapped the photo. I assume she closed the cabinet.

She seems like somebody of good manners. Yeah. Trey Pinos. Her dad probably yelled at her when she was younger for not closing cabinets but on the bottle it's trees is that what peanuts are it's it's uh if you've listened to our show graham i don't i've got other things it means pine tree in spanish but it sounds like penis yeah that's true because we're children. True enough. This is from Nate K.

Overheard. A guy with a bunch of shopping bags is talking to some of the bucket drummers in the Union Square station. Like a rain bucket drummer. Yeah, yeah. Like an overturned rain bucket. Okay. Sans possum. And I was only able to hear this exchange.

Shopper. And then I ended up with $ dollars on this cashmere sweater uh bucket drummer that's pretty digimon this was last night and basically immediately my friend group has replaced the adjectives good and bad with Digimon and Pokemon respectively, or Digi and Poke for short. Wow. There you go. The creation of group language. Linguistics.

Oh, man. If we ended it right here, we could call that a full circle. But we're not going to. No, people demand more, except for the one person who Twittered me today saying hey why are your episodes so long oh really yeah do you have so much to do yeah person who twittered dave in the middle of the day come on person i'm very busy yeah in your face um oh you know what this isn't uh so much unoverheard but somebody did you read this this gentleman wrote in and just in our

support of our horrible ability to be DIYers. Oh, maybe not. And he said that the guys that laughed at you when you were trying to saw something were a bunch of jerks. Oh, well, agreed. Yeah, that was from Kurt C. And he said, you know, don't let people intimidate you. Keep up the good work. Yeah, keep sawing.

Yeah. Keep sawing logs. I don't like how this section is not about me. Okay, well, somebody wrote in one. Well, you know what? If you had written one in, you could have really usurped this part of it. Or if you had a DeLorean. Fair enough.

Oh my god, can you imagine? Feel free to react to these. Was that good? Yeah, it was good. Feel free to use words these. Was that good? Yeah, it was good. Feel free to use words. This is interesting because of the supplement to it. The other day I overheard something. It's not very good, which is true.

This is from Nina B. By all means, read it. Yeah, no, it's not so much. She was under a lot of stress, and then she heard somebody say, wait, how did we get from research questions to queefs? That was the quote. And then she wrote, it tickled my fancy because I was under a lot of stress, yet this simple question released it into a roar of laughter.

I don't understand how. I don't understand how that line, it didn't happen here, but you're not under a lot of stress. You're relaxed. Of course I'm under stress. You know me. Yeah, that's true. It's the season. To be stressed?

Absolutely. Oh, that's totally pokey. Yeah, if you want to write to us, you can write to us at StopPodcastingYourself at gmail.com. And if you had a problem following the last minute of the show, so did I. Yeah, well, Twitter Dave about it and tell him how much it took out of your day to listen to that last part. We also have some listeners who've called in using the power of telephonics. If you would like to call us, our number is 206-339-8328. Have a listen.

Hey, guys. This is Scott from Aurora, Colorado. And the other day I was flipping through the channels, and I saw Larry King Live had Howie Mandel on it. And I only stopped long enough to see what they had up on the screen. And in big letters it said, Howie Mandel on public restrooms. And then underneath that in smaller letters it said, Are you kidding me? That should be Howie Mandel's new tagline.

That's the name of his new book. Are you kidding me? Really? Yeah. Expect it in your stocking from people who barely know you. The picture of him. You like comedy, right? Yeah.

That's what you do, right? Yeah. You want to be a game show host? Yeah. That's the one with the cover where he's in a bubble. I do not know. I do not know.

I actually read about a page of that when I was at a bookstore just to see what something like that would be. Really? Because I just read the Craig Ferguson memoir. It's hard to read because it's all in Irvine Welsh. It's very difficult, but luckily it has subtitles.

I just read the subtitles. I didn't try to learn Scottish from my Mongolian friend. Just as an aside, the Craig Ferguson book is lovely. It's really good. It's really interesting. But the Harry Mandel book, the page I read

was terrible. It was about how when he was at the Howie Mandel book, the page I read was terrible. It was about how when he was at the Howard Stern show one time, he had a really well-developed OCD by that point, and I guess he had not told anybody about it. When he went to leave, he had seen so many gross people touch

the doorknob as they entered and exited the Stern studio. And this is the on-air portion of the studio. He said, can somebody just get the door for me? And they're like, well, what's the problem? Just open it up. And he, at that point, had not told anybody that he had OCD. And so Stern made this huge thing of it on the air.

And I guess that freaked him out. And that's the centerpiece. That's the dramatic center it on the air. And I guess that freaked him out and was sort of the, that's the centerpiece. That's the dramatic centerpiece of the book. That is terrible. Wait, is one of his compulsions to host terrible undercover surprise shows? It is.

It is. It's also, he's got one of the world's only briefcase-based diseases, too. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. What's his game show called? diseases, too. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah.

What's this game show called? Oh, right. Look Who's Talking. What's it called? Look Who's Talking. One versus 100. I don't remember. Deal or no deal.

Deal or no deal. Thank you. Yeah. OC deal. Now, he had... Why did he shave his head? Was he going bald, or did he realize how gross his hair was? He was going bald.

Call him A, call him B. Both. He also had a major... What do you call it? Having an embolism or bursting an embolism? Eating an embolism. From that thing he used to do by putting a surgical glove on his head and blowing it up? Really? That gave him

in his blood? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that's why he stopped doing it. Not by popular demand. A lot of people had assumed. In Australia, they call an embolism an embo. Hey, Graham and

Dave and guests. This is Roy from Alaska. I haven't overheard from you guys. So I was at the bus station on my way, actually, to pick up my car from the repair shop. And I saw a bit of an altercation between a teenage girl and a slightly older, maybe still teenage guy. And he was telling her that she needed to stop partying, to which she slammed the door of the transit center and ran back in, yelling something about how he needed to stay out of her shit.

Then a friend of his walked up and said, what was all that about? He goes, well, she's doing blow it parties she's only 16 she hasn't got no right to her own nose anyway thought you'd enjoy that great show

keep it up ain't got no right to her own nose wow that sounds like the beginning of a Roe vs. Wade conversation a woman's right to

to blow I support it. Roe versus Lohan. Well, thank you very much for calling in. Are those all the... Yeah, that's good for now. Yeah? Okay.

Like Dave said, if you want to call in, it's 206-339-8328. Or, like I said, if you gots to, you can send it by email. If you want to hear Graham's Dickensian voice, read your email. Yeah. As a listener of the show, I really do enjoy when people call in and tell their stories. Yeah, it's great. It gives you a timber, gives you a natural flavor to the story.

Yeah, and I never pick the bad ones. Yeah. Okay, so I picked the bad ones. No, no. What I'm saying is if you're timid that your phone call won't be well received, I guarantee you it will or it won't be heard. Yeah, totally. To be fair, though, that's how we warmed up.

We listened to all the dumb calls that people called in. Now, so we want to move on? Do we? Well, we don't have a theme song, so I can't bumper it with a theme song. A couple weeks ago, we were talking about being sassed by a kid. Yeah, I talked about when a little kid in Wales in a Speedo farted in my face. So we asked people out there if they had any stories like that

about a kid really getting the upper hand on you. Getting their goose. And we asked Scott before we started the podcast and you said that you had one such occasion where a kid really sassed you good. Yeah, next time I do this show, I would appreciate just a little more me time. Oh, sure.

Well, we're going to record just like a loop of you talking about yourself. It's going to be a bit. I got a lot of stories. And there's going to be a Scott Simpson annex podcast. That's right. That sounds good. I do have a story, and I'll share it with you now.

I was at a wedding a few weeks ago, and I was in the front row because it was a family member. My stepsister was getting married, and it was a beautiful wedding. It was in Napa. It was blue skies, 23 degrees. Sideways. Wonderful. It was in Napa. It was blue skies, 23 degrees. Sideways. Wonderful. It was very sideways.

I was wearing seersucker. Were you really? Yeah, well, yeah. That's the only time you would wear seersucker. I've never had the occasion. Have you? No. I own a pair of seersucker pants. What was it own a pair of seersucker pants.

What was it like to wear a seersucker suit? Did it feel great? It seems like it would feel fantastic. It felt good because the occasion was just right. Okay. I wasn't the guy who insisted on being the seersucker suit guy with my strawboater and fancy tie. Were you also wearing a strawboater? Yes.

Oh, really? Oh, how fantastic. I don't know about hats at weddings. I feel like that seems a little... Was it outside? It was outside. So hats are acceptable. You have to take your hat off for the national anthem at the wedding.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Play ball. That's right. So we were there, and my son and daughter and wife obviously were there, and we were all in the front row. My son was getting antsy. He's almost five years old.

He's very energetic. He's very loud. He tried to get me to see his room when I picked Scott up today. Really? He was like, I've got to show you my stuff. That is such a kid thing. That was maybe the worst interruption.. Let me show you my thing.

That was maybe the worst interruption. Yeah, you were the worst. Back to me, Dave. Thanks. So he's being bad, basically, and he's getting worse and worse and worse. And, of course, because it's a silent wedding and the pastor is speaking and people are trying to hear him, every sound is magnified, especially to me, the parent of this noisy child.

So he's getting noisier and noisier. My list of things that I can take away from him is getting shorter. It starts with the glass of lemonade after the, you know, you're not going to get that lemonade. And then it goes to more long-term type stuff until it's like no college, right? Yeah. And then... I'll go to a trade school. Right.

He burners back with you. Fine. Didn't need it. Didn't want it. Wasn't asking for it. So I got to the end of my rope. And I'll admit that what I next said to him was over the line. It was bad parenting. And

I hope that you guys don't get any blowback for this. It was really bad. So I whispered it to him. And he looked at me and he said, If you kill me, I'll kill you. So loud that everybody could hear it. That's the darndest thing. Yeah, it was pretty darned.

Oh, my God. I mean, my mind was reeling before you got to that. I didn't know where had it gone. Oh, Lordy. How dare he. That kid really did get one up on you. I have a story about kid sassery. Okay.

When I was a young man. When you were 17? Yeah. No, when I was actually the kid sassing people. When he was 17? Yeah. No, when I was actually the kid sassing people. When he was 17? Yeah. When I was maybe 11 and my sister was 17. That was a very good year.

Yeah. You hate it so much. GG. My parents were out of town, and she threw a party. And my parents were okay with it. All my siblings are very good kids, all 14 of them. And my sister threw a party, and a bunch of her friends came over, and I was just a little brat.

And my sister had one friend who he had a stutter yeah and i knew about this in advance i'd met him before and i yeah it's horrible he was i made fun of his stutter worst yeah yeah he can't help it uh but she also had this friend who had a broken neck and jesus was wearing the not... What kind of party was this? Not the thing you wear at a court around your neck to convince the judge. He was wearing this cube with poles coming out of his shoulder. Oh, with the screws in the head? Yeah, screws in the head and stuff.

And I don't remember doing anything to him. and I don't remember doing anything to him, but, uh, my, when my parents got home, my sister told on me and she said that, uh, Dave made fun of my friend who had a stutter and he looked at my other friend with a broken neck.

Like he was a robot. And my dad was, was like, Dave, I'm really disappointed in you. I mean, people can't help if they have a stutter. You really should know better, be more grown up. But I bet that guy totally looked like a robot. See, that was your dad's like, ah, come on.

Yeah, I was definitely off the hook for the robot stuff. Oh, man, that is funny. Yeah. It'll pass. Top drawer dad stuff. This is a listener wrote in this. This is Kurt S. wrote in, last summer, I went for a hike with some friends and family. A friend of my father-in-law had an obnoxious 8-year-old

who we sarcastically nicknamed Bashful. During the hike, Bashful told my father-in-law, you're a pretty good hiker for an old guy. He told my wife, you're a girl. You can't hike all the way up this mountain. He told my friend, you're way too fat to make it. And he said to my other friend, you're annoying. No wonder you don't have a girlfriend.

As we were finishing our hike, I was commenting to my friends that I was the only one in the group that hadn't been insulted by Bashful. But at that moment, I noticed my shoe was untied. I bent over to tie it, and I heard a voice yelling from the back of the group, just say no to crack. Just say no to crack. Because his butt was sticking out. I see a lot of myself in that kid. Yeah? Yeah.

A lot of my kid self. Maybe you can mentor him and be like, we got to take you to the hospital unit where the robots are. Sure. I know some quality teasing. And you can give them some weird stares. Someone called in with a...

With a sassy kid. Sassy kid. Hey, guys, this is Aaron in Iowa. I have a story about a small child that was abusive to me. This is a few years ago now. I was actually at my church and I was leaving, the service was over over and there was a kid he was probably nine tops I'm not sure I'm not good with ages but I think he couldn't have been over nine years old anyway he had this playstation portable that he was playing with and he looked up at me and kind of dangled it at me and said, do you have one of these? And I said, nope.

And he said, that's because you're too poor. And I was kind of in shock, and that kind of hurt me. And when I gathered myself, said something like, no, it's because I'm 20, and I don't need a toy like that. But that was a lie, because I thought they were really cool and I really wanted one. A few months later, I actually went out and bought one. That kid was probably like 20% of the reason that I actually bought one. It was just to stick it to that kid. And that's when you found out that that kid works for Best Buy.

You're too poor. That's the new spokesperson for Best Buy. You're too poor to get a commission off this. You're too poor. That's the new spokesperson for Best Buy. You're too poor to get a commission off this. You should buy this, and if you don't, you're too poor. And I think he said it was at church. Wow.

A, you can bring a PSP to church, and B, make fun of the poor. And you could throw holy water on that kid and it would burn him. Sure. So yeah, if anybody else does have any other stories of a sassy kid, why not? Why not send them to us at stoppodcastyourself at gmail.com. Or you can call in like that gentleman from Iowa did at 206-339-8328. Scott, if people want to find you online.'s wrap-up time it is wrap unless you

have more scott okay i got more scott we'll we'll save it for the annex after the show sure yeah stop podcast we you guys do a separate stop podcast after the show yeah right yeah good it's the stop podcast after hours yeah right things get a little blue. We loosen the bow tie. Yeah, in the spy lounge. We bring some playmates. The spy lime. Sponsored by spy lime. Brought to you by Bud Light Lime. The spy lounge. So if people want to find you online,

youlooknicetoday.com or I guess my, I don't know. Yeah. Google Scott Simpson. See what comes up. And really it is, if you haven't out there, people who enjoy listening to the podcast, if you haven't heard You Look Nice Today, it's a fantastic podcast. It's very avant-garde.

Can I mention very briefly that anything that's good, as I have amply demonstrated in that show, either comes from the humor of Merlin, man, the other host, one of the other hosts, or the humor and editing skills of Adam. We don't believe it, not for a second!

Yeah, Adam was the same self-effacing way when he was on our show as well. You guys are so self-effacing way when he was on our show as well you guys are so self-effacing you might as well be Canadians your faces are effaced well they're effed your faces are effed

your selves are effaced your faces are effed got it and if you out there if you haven't been, please stop by our website, stoppodcastyourself.com. And there you can see the recap. Every week, Dave puts together a great blog that details a lot of the things we talked about in the episode. And there's a forum and a chat and all sorts of great things.

And furthermore, this is our last episode before New Year's. You can come see us on New Year's Eve. May old acquaintance be forgot. Yeah. F them, old acquaintances. And their faces. We will be performing New Year's Eve at the Cambrian Hall for $15,

the best value on New Year's Eve in the world. Yeah, and if you are in Vancouver and you want tickets, I have tickets to get rid of. I have them in my possession, physical tickets. How much are they? How much are the tickets? 15 bucks. 15 smackers. Too much.

And yeah, if you enjoyed the podcast, please do tell your friends. And come back in the new year for another thrilling year, the 2010 year of Stop Podcasting Yourself.