Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 944 - Ivan Decker

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Comedian Ivan Decker returns to talk Starship Troopers, toe stuff, and The Drama. And it's week 1 of MaxFunDrive 2026! Please support the show at maximumfun.org/joinspypod. Follow us: Instagram, Facebook, Bluesky. Join our Discord.

Hi, he's Dave Schumka And he's Graham Clark And together we host Stop Podcasting yourself Hello, hello everybody Welcome to episode number 944 Stop Podcasting yourself This is our first week

Of Max Fun Drive I'm excited I know Dave is as well We'll be telling you all about Max Von Drive All the things you can get If you join up We'll give you the whole spiel But with me as always Mr. Dave Shumka

Hello and welcome to Spitstop It was this end up a year? Tand car tasting yourself. I'm Day. We're recording this in anticipation of its release. Yes. And we didn't notice, I mean, it'll probably be a day late. A dollar short.

For the actual, you know, on the schedule, we say these come out on Mondays, but they come out really on Tuesdays. Yeah. Unless you stay up real late on a Monday. But it's a 420 show. And so just so if you're listening. just so you know, this show will totally sync up with the Wizard of Oz.

And also, there was a lot of stuff I was supposed to get done today, but then I got high. Guy who's never heard Afro-Man. Just sort of reading the lyrics. Our guest today, return guests to the podcast, favorite guest of the podcast,

hilarious comedian. He's on tour all over British Columbia with just for the Las Vegas of Vancouver and in May you can see him at the Halifax Comedy Festival it's Ivan Decker hello Oh hi

Oh hi This is great Did we sneak up on you? This is yeah I wasn't I didn't see you there In your own home I've just been hiding down here Since the last episode I did

What if people who did one person shows That's how they had to start everything in their life Oh I didn't see you there Yeah turning around I do like a dramatic Now when was Ivan last here? I think he was here in 2024, possibly.

In 2020, 23. Really? Yeah, because it would have been before. Yeah. Now, he was on our show once a year until 2019. Now, Ivan knows what he did. He caused a pandemic. Because of a pandemic.

Sorry. I coughed at that bat or whatever. Oh, you coughed at the bat. The bat caught it from you? Yeah, I'm the original. You were patient zero. Yeah. Wow.

patient negative one The bat's like steer clear of this guy Well should we get to know us Yep Get to know us Ivan It's been a few years

You've changed You've grown You have not one but two children I have children You are living in Vancouver You are touring all over the world Yeah Where's uh

Where have your travels brought you in the past Let's say two years Two years? Oh, geez. Still no Europe. Sure. Okay. No. Is that the goal? Love to do some comedy in Europe someday. Where would you like to go, France?

Yep. You want to do like France? Like Sugar Sammy? Do a whole residency. Just anywhere that I don't speak the primary language that I do comedy in. How about Prague? Prague. Heard Prague's great. Yeah. Have you been to Europe not for comedy?

I have. I've been to Ireland. But I just not do any stand-up while I was there because it was close to them. Because it was closed. It was close. The comedy. The one comedy club in Ireland was closed. I feel like it's very hard the idea of doing comedy in Ireland because everybody in the audience is so much fun. It's like Atlantic Canada.

Yeah. You're like, this is everybody's incredibly hilarious. Yeah. But they love it. I love performing in Atlanta Canada because they're smart. They get jokes. They, it's great. Do you do mostly kitchen parties?

Yeah. A lot of kitchen parties. A lot of jigs dinners. Sure. Yeah. I got to bring a fiddle. Isn't that God? This is part of our, I don't know all these.

I know a kitchen parties. Jigs dinner is kind of like the equivalent of like a Sunday roast. Oh, okay. Like it's a big Sunday, you know, I don't know what's in it, seafood and meat and yeah, I think you have folks over. I don't know a lot about it. I just know the terminology. You go listen to the Rankin family.

Oh, it's on repeat. Rita McNale. Sometimes, you know, on a party night you put in a little Ashley McIsaac. Yeah. Sure. Get that party gone. Yeah, yeah. Practice your Gaelic.

He was in the news for something. Ashley McIsaac? Yeah. Do you remember Ashley McIsaid? Having a neon fiddle. Was that what he was in the news for? He would have it. He really put the plastic fiddle on the map.

That in the movie Starship Troopers. Those were the two neon plastic fiddle references. Oh. I forgot that scene. With Ace, with Busey's son. Oh, it's not. He gets the fiddle in the mail. Oh, the bugs aren't playing it?

I think it calls them, though. He didn't know. So, he was just trying to have a good time. Classic blunder. Was Starship Troopers, is that a big film for you growing up? Because I feel like you know the character's name. Yeah. You know about the neon violin.

Is this something you've seen a dozen times? I watched it. It was one of the like divorced dad movie outings we went to. Okay. We would go see my dad every second weekend. And it was at the Capitol 6 on Granville Street. Yeah. And yeah, we went and saw it.

I think he might have had a friend that worked on it or something. But my brother was definitely too young to see. see it. Yeah. I was borderline too young. There's a lot of like, there's the, the, the bug aliens are, there's like so much bug gore. Yeah, there's a lot of gore. There's like nude, like co-ed showers. Yeah. So what's her name? Oh gosh. Denise Richards. Denise Richards. Denise Richards. Denise Richards. Denique's naked Denise Richards. No, I don't think, I think it's. Oh, no, it's the other lady. Redhead? Yeah. I forget her name, but she. Do we see Jake Busey's a package in that?

Yes. Oh, cool. I think you do. Now that you've brought that memory to the front of my mind. That had been filed away. When you come back

for a weekend with your dad, was your mom so mad? What did he do? What do you give you? Did you see Jake Busey's penis? Yeah. Again. Stop showing them Jake Gusey's penis,

Ken. I would say. I, um, a few years ago, Abby had her friend over and they were like, oh, let's watch a movie. And, you know, uh, They had decided, I think, beforehand that they wanted to see Starship Troopers.

They had seen it before, but they like it. And Abby was like, ah, well, it's not streaming anywhere. And renting it is $4, but buying it is $5. So now it's like one of the five movies we own. Gotta get it. Yeah, what do I? Can argue with that deal. I got one of the Spider-Man's because you couldn't, you could only buy it, you couldn't rent it.

Yeah. I feel like there's some other movie where it was like. like same thing where it's like a dollar more to own i think i saw like they had these uh iTunes had these deals and i think i bought the you know six first six mission impossible's for six dollars or that's pretty good that's a good deal is hard to find mm-hmm have you been in the situation where you cannot find the movie like anywhere i have i have a couple of times and then you just i usually go to youtube you can usually rent it on youtube for five dollars that's like pretty standard i've never rented anything

on YouTube. Me neither. Yeah. Do you pay for YouTube? Yes. YouTube premium is the greatest investment anybody should make. Yeah. But what are you watching on YouTube?

That's what I... Everything. You watch YouTube so much more than you think you do. Everybody's like, I don't watch it that much. It was the last time you had to fix anything in your house. YouTube. Yeah, but... Let me do you just look up that part in a movie that you want to remember.

YouTube. You want to watch an ad for vacuum cleaner bags before you get to see that scene? It's so dusty in here. Can't skip. Yeah. They show me an ad for vacuum cleaner bags before I need to fix my vacuum cleaner bag. Oh, well, let's just talk to me right out of it. Yeah, exactly.

And you can download, I can download YouTube to watch on the plane, which is nice. Okay. YouTube premium you need to download. How do you fix a plane? Yeah. I just download all the, yeah, all the instructions of whatever Boeing model I'm on. Have you fixed anything via a video on YouTube? Yeah.

What did you fix? I changed the boot seal on my washing machine. Don't even know what that is. Don't even know what that is. You know how, like, in a washing machine, they're supposed to load in from the top, but because nobody has a laundry room anymore, they stack on top of each other in a closet

the way the Lord intended. And so you load the washing machine from the front and there's a rubber seal around the door called the boot seal, and it gets gross and moldy. Whoever you bought the house from, they didn't do it. So it's gross. And then you're like, ah, thanks for the gross washing machine and also the house.

So I was like, looking up, I was like, should I just buy a new washing? This is like a real rental thing where it was like new washing machine was, you know, X amount of dollars. And then like the cost of getting a guy to change it was like $100 less than that. So then I was like, well, either I'm going to have to call the guy. And in that case, I'll just buy a new washing machine machine. But I think I'll take a crack at it first. So I just went on like a parts washing machine parts.com website.

Oh, sure. I go. That's my landing page. And then the boot seal that for my specific question was on sale. I was like, great. 80 bucks. So I got to move out. Last year's boot seals. Yeah.

I got it. It works great. I have an espresso machine that we got in 2018 and it is, this won't all rhyme. But the, uh, I want it to though. But the, uh, it leaks now. Uh, and I was like, oh, a new machine is, they've gone up like, they've doubled in price. Oh, shit. Then.

And, um, and then I found a video of like, how you fix this. It's really just one. plastic part, but you really have to pull it off and it's attached to another plastic thing. I'm like, I'm going to break the whole thing. And so I was like, hmm, maybe I'll buy a tray and have that just collect the water underneath. I just didn't want to just try to break the thing. That happened with, like, when I was watching the video for the boot seal, there's like a spring that goes around it. And like, the way he takes the spring on and off, I was like, that guy's got nine more springs in the truck.

I'm being way more careful. Yeah, yeah, that's true. You're going to have to ship a new spring. and it'll take three weeks. I was like, careful with the spring. Our front loader washing machines, I find them to be inferior to top loader. Of course they are.

Yeah, top loader, man. But you need a laundry room. Yeah, I got one in my building. I have a front loader as well, but like logically, I feel like, oh, that's like, oh, you're tumbling stuff on top of each other. It is washing stuff better, but everything else about it is.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not built to last. Those top loaders, you get one from the 50s. It would probably still work. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's what I plan on doing. Hand crank it.

Yeah, I think my parents have probably had the same washing machine for upwards of at least 20 years. Yeah. Yeah. It's so fun for that generation where every product that was made, there was like, oops, it works forever. Whoopsy. That was a bad model. We went out of business. Yeah, yeah.

That was so good. We had to close the company down because everybody in the world bought one. Everyone still has their electro-lux magnetone. Yeah, their union steel. Yeah. Blender. Now, it does leach chemicals into sure. Everything you own.

That's all price to pay. Exactly. That's progress. Yeah, I'm trying to think, any time that anything breaks in my place, I rent. So I just hands off, give it a little text to Andrew. Is it Andrew? Andrew, he's taking care of it. He's quick.

He's there almost right. away when you... That's fun. Is he the person you pay rent to as well? I pay rent to a faceless corporation. Oh, okay. So Andrew's a superintendent. He's a superintendent.

Yeah. A handyman fix-it guy? He does a little bit of handiwork, but he knows when he's beat. Does he vacuum? He doesn't do any household chores, no. But like in the hallways. Yeah. Does he Julian?

Does he... Does it pickle? Does he brew craft beer? We have carpet. We have carpets. It's all vacuumed. There's no mop in the halls or any of that kind of stuff. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. It's, uh, and the guys that vacuum it have those cool backpack. Oh, wow. Ghostbusters. Yeah. Um, that's, I, if I had a bigger place, that would be my thing I'd splurred on. Backpack Vancouver. Yeah.

Great. They show up in a big white hearse or whatever. Got that old siren. Yeah. HERS. Dead guys. coming through. A hearse with a siren.

It's spooky. Was it an ambulance? Yeah, I think so. It was an ambulance. Oh, although it would have made sense if it was a hearse as well. Yeah. But I guess it was an old.

Yeah. I think it was an old ambulance. If anybody else. That generation, they had the best ambulances. You could buy a proton pack and it would last you for a year. Yeah.

Proton pack won't even last you to the end of the calendar year. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know. I just got an email for my Proton. unpack company. Now, the subscription rate has gone up, $320 a year.

Oh, man, that sucks. Yeah, I leave you guys on a subscription thing that you're like, oh, fucking, son of a bitch, have to be on this. My, our doorbell. Oh, yeah, right. It just, it literally just went up to $320 a year. Oh, my God. And so I'm now looking for a new doorbell.

Yeah. I have wise cam. They're pretty good. Yeah? I have a wise cam at my place. in Los Angeles so I can check up on it. I have a, I was thinking of going with ubiquity, but I don't have POE.

I don't have POE capabilities. Otherwise, I'm like, what am I running a bunch of cable through my walls? You can learn how to do it on YouTube. You can learn how to do it on YouTube. That'll be a guy. Yeah, I can learn how to do it, but then I've got to fix the walls.

Yeah. It's got to be fun to be the first guy to be like, I'll show them how to do this thing. And then, you know there's people watching that being like, I can make a better video. Yeah. Well, that's why it works so well. Or are there people who are like, man, you really inspired me.

I grew up on your videos. Everybody should be able to, when buying a house, they should be able to live in kind of like a halfway house where they can. Yeah, everything's broken. And they get to like do that kind of stuff before they go to their own house. They should really do that at like, you know, not like wood shop, but whatever like, they should have a high school class. Yeah, absolutely. Go to a crack house. You spend a month away.

Yeah, yeah. I got poked by a needle. Well, that'll happen. But that, you should learn how to do that in school. You should learn how to do investing in school. There's all sorts of things in school that are like, like, geography, get out of here. You know what I mean? Let's learn how to fix a car, you know what I mean?

What was happening in 1572 in Portugal? You know what? I'll leave that to the folks on Jeopardy, okay? My daughter just did a project. on the Silk Road. Oh, yeah. And I was like, which one? The one, the dark web one?

I was like, huh, they're too. Okay. Or the Marco Polo one. Yeah. And it was Marco Polo. Shit. And I didn't, we never learned about that, but it was big, vast and, you know, hundreds of years long.

What we covered in school seems to have changed, like, it's so different school to school. Like, we did a huge thing on Japan. And, but not anything on like Germany or anything. Like, it was just like this random country that were like, we're going to learn all about Japan. I feel like I was high a lot of it. You were part of what was your school's club call? Melofellow fellow. You were the Melo Fellows.

Yeah, it was 420 every day. It was for the mellow fellows. That was our rule. We had a calendar that just said April and every date was 20. What was wrong? We were always late for stuff. What day is the party? April 20th.

At you, Vic, there was a, like, an officially sanctioned marijuana club that met every Wednesday at 420. What were they called? It was like the Cannabis Society or... They tried to make it like sound classy. Yeah, it had, I feel like it was... A botany group of... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the cannabis situation. And they would meet in a big circle and the hacky sack was...

Of course, mandatory. Everybody, multiple hacks. Mm-hmm. Going there to get a full hack. where they disbanded. Yeah. You don't smoke, you don't smoke the marijuana anymore.

Not anymore. When did you give it up? After high school. And then I kind of have every couple of, because Charlie talks about it too, about how just like, I would love to, like, the way people seem to enjoy it makes me jealous. I'm like, I love that.

And then I do it. I'm like, I hate everything about this. Right. Yeah. Yeah. In high school, did you hate it? Yes. Oh, okay.

It was all peer pressure. I was like, I have no identity. Sure. I'll be with the cool. This will be my thing. Stoner kids. Stoner skaters. Can't be a sober skater kid.

That's not cool. They'll say, see you later, boy. Yeah, he's just going to say. Unless you be told to you later. He was a sober skater boy. She said, see you later. So in this song, Skater boy. Skater boy.

She was a girl. He was a boy. Or vice versa. Yeah. Can I make it any more obvious? He was a punk. She did ballet. What more can I say?

Come working. There's nothing else to say. He wanted her. She'd never, secretly, she wanted him as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose. They had a problem with his baggy clothes. Which now, they'd all be wearing baggy clothes now. Oh, sure, with their ballet stuff underneath.

Because they got to do a quick change. And then... Five years from now? Yeah. She's all alone, feeding the baby. She's all alone. Wait, no, she sits at home feeding the baby. She's all alone.

And that's my favorite lyric for the song, because it's just like five years or now, she's fucked up so much. She has a baby. She's sitting at home. She's watching MTV by herself. She got railed by a male ballerina. She's all alone.

She's all alone, whoever. She's breeding a super baby, super ballerina baby. Have we been through these lyrics before? She turns on TV. Guess what she sees? Skater boy rock it up MTV. Yeah. He was a musician.

He was a skater. Yeah. The transition is quite easy. You slide down around. rail, you slide down the neck of a guitar. Maybe he wasn't even, maybe he's not rocking on that TV. Maybe he's rocking cool rail slides and shit like that. But he says he's slamming on his guitar.

Yeah. Fuck, you're right. He's a superstar. She calls up her friends. They already know. They all have tickets to see his show, which could be a skateboarding show. And also, if she has, if she has friends, that's nice. You know?

The guitar was on the ground and he was skateboarding over top of it. Yeah. He was slamming on it with his trucks. Fuck, that sounds awesome. That she fucked up, man. Yeah. This guy rule. And then Averill comes in and she starts dating him.

That's the... Yeah, look at the man that she turned down. Yeah. I knew it. But did... So I guess in those lyrics, they never got to... They must have got together if she was going to reject him. Was she in high school?

Was it... Were the high schoolers when they met? She'd only be like 23 with that baby. I mean, this is... MTV had, you know, 16 and pregnant. Oh, that's true. Yeah, she could have been on it. She could have been on it.

There's the reverse story. He's a terrible musician. Now she's a superstar with her 23 and 23 baby. She's actually on MTV herself. She's with the ballerina, Jean-Luc. Yeah. They're doing great. The ballerino.

Did you have the high school? The kid is Ilya Malinanin. Who's that? He was that figure skater. The quad god. Oh, the one guy. Yeah, he really, uh. Did you guys already cover this?

I didn't listen to your Olympic special. Oh, boy, we got the Quad God mixed up with the Scud stud. Yeah. And we were the official podcast of the Olympics. Yeah, I know. The Quad God, the kid that skated to the Dune theme. The one that skated to the minions theme. He's the same guy.

Oh, was it? That guy rules. No, wait. Dune Skate and Fifth Element Skate. Those were his two. Dunski. And he came and he won the gold because Ilya did a fell down a lot. Yeah, he fell down.

a lot. Yeah. It was a real crumpling. And then you got to watch this great, this kid from Kazakhstan, just like, he was convinced he was going to be fourth. And then you just see people like the top three all fall. Yeah. It's really.

He was cutting to him like, what? No. I'm going to win gold. You know what? There's the greatest. There's two things I love about the Olympics. The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Absolutely.

What was her name? I was obsessed with her during the Olympics. Alyssa Liu? Uh, Iling, goo, maybe? Gu, I think, was the last... Elizabeth Shoe. Elizabeth Shoe. And it had nothing to do with the Olympics, but...

Yeah. And now that it's over, I haven't thought about her since. No. But as soon as the Olympic start up, next time. Yeah. Front of mind. Yeah. They can sometimes keep the Olympic fever alive for a couple weeks if, you know,

an athlete hosts SNL. Yeah. Yeah. Or if, you know, the head of the FBI parties with the Olympic team, the hockey team or like you know somebody gets into

a brand endorsement really fast like you know time X like you're just as soon as the Olympics

are over time X I lean goo and Elizabeth shoe for time it's go shoe they get brand

go shoe they get Brad Gucci see we remember Olympic athletes and the poke of course the poke yeah

oh yeah the The snit the guy threw and ran off into the forest. That was great. That was very outskirts of Edmonton. What was the snit? He didn't win, and then he took his skis off, and he walked into the woods. Oh.

And they kept filming him, even though he kept walking into the woods. It's real reality TV stuff. And then there was the guy who was regretted cheating on his girlfriend. Oh, yeah. That guy. It was a good Olympic. It was good. There's some good stuff.

Oh, see, now they, they... But if you quiz us on it in a year, we don't know. any of this stuff. But like, that's something you get an endorsement for really quick. The guy who cheated his girlfriend, you know, condoms or whatever. Something you get in there. Hinge.com. Give him on there.

Yeah, Ashley Madison. What are the big cheating products? Yeah. Turning your location off on Google Maps. Yeah. Mouthwash. Some sort of swat. Motel 6.

Turning off your wife's Wi-Fi remotely. Canceling your camera They're too expensive now Oh yeah You don't want to be in the middle of cheating And then you have to order a subscription You got upgrade My cheating tapes

I'm describing to my mistress When you guys were in high school Was there ever a pregnant lady in your high school? Yeah, we had a daycare in our high school You had a whole daycare? Oh yeah Wow Yeah, yeah

That's probably better than being outside of high school school. Yeah, there was a daycare in the school for teen moms. Really? Yeah. Wow. Down the end. That's amazing. Cross from the police liaison officer's office. That was his beat. Yeah. He would walk the mean streets of the daycare. No, our, we didn't have any pregnant ones. Our school motto. They sent them to my house. Yeah. Our school motto was pull out. Yeah, I Magna come later. Magnacom. Anya. Good stuff.

Ours was actually Fiat Lux, let there be light. Ah, yes, mine was, to each their own. I have no idea what mine was. Did your school have a song? No, I don't think so. I think our elementary school did. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I don't think my...

We probably did at one point, and then it was found to be in violation of some sort of... Ours was Hale Kittalano. Hail Kitsilano. Okay. Nice. On your knees. other parts of the city about before it gets a lot of

So there was multiple kids that had kids That were in your Yeah Enough to warrant a dick I don't know how busy it was I never went in there Still that's like a better deal than being outside of school

I know You'd want to have a kid and get free care It's extremely expensive Yeah by the time you're out You've already got like a four year old You should yeah you should be Well that's if you're having your baby in grade It's very young

Actually I've done that Yeah something they teach you in high school is it's actually more economical it's more economical if you have the baby younger yes yes yes yes you get four years out of that daycare yeah um that is gnarly that was in in school like in uh sex ed and otherwise the idea of having a kid was burrowed into your head as being the thing would destroy your life the worst thing you could ever do yeah and they were right yeah i mean we now that i have two I should have listened.

We're from the, like, I love my children. A lot of our sex ed was. I'm afraid they're going to listen to this after I'm dead. A lot of our sex ed was after the, like, Magic Johnson got out of the NBA for having HIV. And so, like, there were two terrible things that could happen to you.

Yeah. Yeah. That was my sex talk from my mom. I think I've said this before. I'm having deja vu now. of like my sex talk for my mom was basically just her going, you know about AIDS, right? You heard about this?

I was like, yeah, she's like, all right, have a good night. Get up there, you. Go on some of that grill or whatever. Yeah. So the mellow fellows never did any, never shared needles. No. We shared a bong.

Now, you live here in Canada. You live in a place with your wife and children. Yeah. And then you also have a swinging bachelor pad down in Los Angeles. Angeles, California. Yeah, I live there as well for six months out of the year. And what do you got in there that you can keep around the new parents household? What's your furniture situation?

What do you got a lot of loose cords? Yes. Everything. All my chargers are plugged in and waiting. Just a lot of stuff. Nothing. Don't you know. It's going to worry.

Plugs hang. You know those heavy plugs? It's kind of half hanging out of the outlet. Those are a lot of those. Oh, there was definitely Coffee's close to the ground By those There was definitely

There's a time in parenthood Where you're like, oh, I can take these things off of the These protectors off of the Oh yeah Yeah My three-year-old has reached that point He takes them off Oh

Well, you need little fingers to get them out of it Yes, easier I get them to help me Yeah Tiny fingers I can't get behind that Get in there in the washer Yeah You fix the boot seal from the inside.

That's what the video said to do. I need a man on the inside. Put your goggles on. I just watched Inside Man with... That's a great movie. Denzel watching too. Yeah. What a fun idea.

Yeah. You know? Bank robbery. Yes, yes, yes. I have not seen it. Oh, you got to see it. Big reveal, big spoiler. Big surprise at the end.

The bank's robbing him. Yes. Well, the bank's kind of robbing all of us with those lousy interests. rate? Yeah, those guys. What are they doing with our money when we're not? You know what I mean?

What are they doing with our money when we're not looking? They have it. Yeah, they have it. They have it. What are they doing with it? They're moving it around. You know what?

I want to go to the bank and I want to see my money. Bring out the cash equivalent I want to see it. I would love to just go and like check on it once in a while. And they're like, give me it all.

Just for a second. Yeah, I just want to see it. $240. Okay. Do you put one of those elastic bands around it like they have in the movie? Like the safety deposit marks. There were people, in the movie, they always go check.

They're like, yeah, still in. So if you're a bank robber now, you go, you rob a bank, you get a bunch of physical money, where do you end up spending that? Where do you go spend the physical money now? One of those crypto ATMs. Crypto is feed it in there. Buy a car off of somebody sketchy. Yeah. Where else?

You can't go going down a grocery store. Yeah, it's really Facebook marketplace is where you spend it all. Yes. Yes. That's true. All right. I guess I need a. an accent chair and a wah-wa pedal.

I like the on Facebook marketplace, some people will be like, don't bother asking if it's still available. Well, how am I supposed to start this conversation? Literally, that is the grade out text. You don't even have to, it types it for you. Yeah, it's,

have you guys, you bought any stuff on Facebook? We got some, we do some free stuff. In the kid world, I live in a neighborhood where we're lucky because we moved in to this, like, sort of area that was developed

by children or 15 years ago okay and so like young families moved in then so there's a lot of kids they're like three or four years older than our kids so it's great because you get the like all the stuff we've got a lot of free

you know Fisher Price food trucks and cool stuff hot wheels tracks Fisher Price food trucks they're like oh we're doing so a Korean taco thing yeah that's just one of the things it's like this food truck that my kids Is it?

It's based on the John Favreau movie. Yeah. I was like, is it Tony Shaloo? You get your John Favro doll. Yeah. Kids can't get it up. But then we also, you know, you grow out of their high chair. You're like, here you go.

Yeah. A little exor saucer. But then do you go on the free and like, I'll pick up. This is a good. Yeah. I just got a chair the other day. It was like, then people just leave it outside. Yeah.

And then I was walking by it. It was like there was like the children who I guess had grown out of the chair. Yeah. these four like eight-year-old boys with lacrosse sticks. And I'm like taking this chair. It's not for me. I have a kid. He yelled at me.

He goes, thank you. And I was like, thank you. He was in our way. Yeah. We've been trying to throw lacrosse balls at that wall forever. Now,

I know from Dave, have your kids amassed so many toys that they're out of control and you want to get rid of them? Yeah, we have a pretty good storage. We've got a handle on it for now. Okay. I mean, it's, I'm a big, just like, you weren't looking and I'm going out of the case.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm too, I'm more sentimental. I'm like, got to hang on. And I'm crazy too. Like, I've realized I have a problem with like stuff getting lost. Okay. Because I, like, I'll go away for the weekend and then I'll come back. And then I'll like, go to my wife.

Hey, do you know that little garbage truck that Harvey has? Yeah, it's, there's a, the driver of the garbage truck. he came with a little shovel. Where is it? What happened to that shovel while I was out of town? The tiniest toy ever. Well, didn't you buy two?

Well, the one's in this original packaging. I'm not opening it, okay? I have done that. I have Facebook marketplace like a piece of like a, you know, Fisher Price set like this little stroller for the baby.

And then I found the original one, of course. And I was like, I got backup. Yeah. Now I'm encouraging him to bring it. I'm like, take it out of it. the house. Sure. Yeah, exactly.

There's a lot of, like, there used to be these, I mean, they probably still are, but these things called LOLL dolls, which are, they come,

you don't know which one you're getting. They're a blind box. A blind box. Very exciting. And so if you lose that, if you lose that, you, you don't,

how do you get another one? You got to go find it on the internet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking internet. God damn it. Yeah.

Sometimes. It saves the day. It's the, it's the, YouTube of a guy, try how to carve one. had to paint a worse one into the good one. But like the thing we're watching a YouTube video while you're doing something,

as long as it's not something messy. You know what I mean? Like, or you have to be rewinding it to get to the, if you're painting or something. baking, painting. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I haven't learned how to do anything off of YouTube. Yeah. I've learned how to do like fix little things. I want to learn a language. But not a skill where I can repeat it. I'll have to pull up the video again. Like I have a... When our puppies were very small, there was like a video I had bookmarked of just like, this is the best, like, homemade, like, dog urine cleaner.

Sure, sure. Oh, like a mix of stuff? Yeah. Cool. And in different, mostly. I learned how to solve a Rubik's Cube from YouTube. You can, you can do a Rubik's Cube super fast. You can solve.

You can. Yeah. You can do it super fast. I've seen you. Yeah, I'm at like 40 seconds now. But I didn't know how to do it at all. And then I watched. Is it just, I've seen a thing that's just like,

you do this one motion over and over and then it gets you there? There are. I don't know something like that. Did my wife send you? It's got to get out of it in there. It's just, it's got three views. It's just her. and then you for reminding yourself.

Oh, yeah. What do I do? I don't know how to jack off and I'm away from... I'm so bad at this. Right out of the back of your hand. I can't remember how to do it. Yeah, I'm one of these guys

who watches videos on the internet to jack off. To how to. The three steps of jack off. Remove the boot seal. The, uh, apparently there's, um, one that's for blind people that you, You have to line up all the, like, I guess, braille on it or the shapes on it. This is Graham is miming a Rubik's Cube.

Okay. We're past jacking up. Yeah. Well, no, we'll get back to it. But if it. Blind people can jack off, too, you know. Yeah, that's true. Huh.

I don't know if they watch. They, oh, yeah. Like, if you've been. They, their other senses are heightened. So they've had something if they just smell something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, are they, any blind people out there, do you jerk off to sound memories or what? Yeah, audio porn, I guess.

Yeah. That must be something. That's got to be something. It's 50 shades of gray, the book. Oh, sure. Okay. That's basically audio porn, right? But did they even know what gray is?

That's true. Because they would only notice his name, right? It wouldn't make... They don't know the word. It says a color. They're like, no. I think some people, yeah, they would have seen it at one point. Yeah.

Depends if born or later. Which what? Foreign blind or later. Oh, right. Yeah. You do this Rubisguve. This is to, is it a fidget? Yeah, it was kind of like, it was literally the reason why I started doing it was because of trying to not compulsively look at my phone.

You know, your phone is like sitting there and you'll just grab it for no reason. Yes. And I was like around my children, trying to model, you know, don't look at your phone all the time. Yeah. So I started to. But now, it's like the same problem. because I'm just still ignoring them. They're falling off a step stool,

and I'm like, hold on! I've almost done this Rubik's Cube. I got oranges. Yeah. For that, we ordered, we subscribed to magazines. We were like, hey, well, we'll model reading magazines. Yeah.

I get, in my Instagram feed, I get a thing that, like, a type of ad that is, are your kids watching their screens too much? Get this toy, and it's literally the shittiest. I know thing that I'm like this will So much of that Are you kids

Do you need to fill the day with 30 seconds Of this dumb game? Yeah And it's like it's literally like that thing That puzzle you would have as a kid With like a little metal ball Oh yeah Oh yeah I remember that

I like those like the replacement For handheld video games It was just water I don't know if anybody remembers these You were trying to squeeze Full of water And there was a button that sprayed water And have these tiny little rings floating in

And they wouldn't make them look like a game boy. Oh, sure. This was in a dentist waiting room. Yeah, there you go. Oh, that water was so gross. So, but like you'd step over the dead body of another kid to get to that toy. Give me that goddamn ring squish penguin game. God, yeah, that really jogs.

No, it's fine. I got a life magazine I can read. Yeah. I actually have a version of that on my phone. Oh, got Chattelaine magazine. Yeah. What magazines do you guys get, uh, subscriptions do.

Well, we got Vanity Fair and Bon Appetit. Nice. And then we got rid of them after a few years. My kids are... Your kids weren't picking up magazines. And neither were we. Yeah. My in-laws have a collection of the LCBO.

Oh, yeah. The free Liquor Board of Ontario magazine. They have a collection of these? They have like a stack of them and the kids would look in those and then they would find bottles of whiskey and go, Daddy. And I was like, all right. You got to do something about this. Yeah, they do have them at... Our liquor board has them as well.

Thank you very much. Yeah, BCLC magazine. The... Are there articles? Yeah. It's kind of like food and wine, I think. They would have like... Centerfolds as well.

Yeah. Like a Budweiser centerfold. One of those big bottles. Like, you know, they have big Italian wine. What are those called? The pony jugs? That's not it. I think they might be pony jugs.

What do they call the big bottle of wine? Magnum. There you go. That's when it's champagne or a big condom. Yeah. Would you ever or have you guys ever done with a? Sabred? Sabred? Yes.

Yeah? Yeah. How was it? I did a, it was like pretty good. Like, I was fine. Like, I did it. Where did you get a chance to do it? This was at, uh, in Whistler.

I did a show for their like, what's, what's it called? It's like a name. some food and wine festival up there. They do. The Whistler Food and Wine Festival? That's it. I read about it in my BCLC. Yeah.

But yeah, they, after the show, they were like, come, we'll do you. Sabre a bottle. And I was like, oh, cool. Yeah, you get the. I think I used a ruler, though. I didn't use an actual store. Yeah, because I feel like that would be the first sentence in the story of how I lost the top of my thumb.

Yeah. Just, right? It's like that motion. My cousin's wedding, they did it. Yeah. I think my mother. Tap around the side to, like, help. break it or something.

I don't know. But you're supposed to keep the, like you keep the cork because the ring of glass around the cork represents blah blah blah. You got a half. But that was like,

I just put it in my pocket and then it sliced my leg for the rest of the track back. Yeah. I was like, I need a bag for the, like something. Wait, so the cork had glass on it still?

Is that what happens? Because you're breaking the glass. Breaking the glass. Yeah. I thought you're just catching the cork. No, you break the actual top like where the glass goes out a little bit.

It's like stupid. It's so dark. Because then a bunch of champagne pours out. And glass. And glass of glass. And then you're, what are you like? Oh, let me put my glass on anything. Pour some in for me.

Yeah. Shards of glass in the bottom of your glass. So it's stupid. It ruins the bottle of the thing. Everything's bad about it. The only thing is a sword involved, which, you know. Yeah, you're a sword guy. Yeah.

If this is kind of off of that, but you know how you get bottle service, they'll have like a firecracker thing going out of that. Can you bring your own to the bar And order a drink But then put your own sparkler in it Bring your own chair You're like I got a chair That's the whole When you're like pay extra for the booth at the nightclub

I know I love it A nightclub is just creating scarcity It's like a little mini model of like Here's what a regular bar feels like over there And that's a thousand dollars Here's what your living room feels like To have a seat and a server There's a seat a server

There's an Xbox. Yeah. Was it VIP, baby? Was it Paul Shear that told the story about accidentally ordering bottle service? Oh, yeah, I think so. Like, he was with his family and accidentally, like, the bottle that they brought was $1,000. He had to pay $1,000 to leave the place. I went to a bottle service only bar, which was like, this is like a new thing they do.

It's like an Instagram. It was in Yaletown where we went there after a show that I was on, and the promoter of the show had booked, sorry, I'm not even talking directly into the microphone, the promoter of the show had booked this bar, like a table for us, but I didn't realize that it's all, it's like tiny tables, and then they do, everybody gets bottle service only, but

it's like, people next to you are getting bottle service too. Like, they're all so close, but they come over with the bottle and the fire and they do it, there's a sign, and they take a picture. It's like, the exclusive one is I go up to the bar. Like, look at that guy, he's going up to the bar. We all have stupid bottles. It was like, it was just so you could take a picture on Instagram be like, we got bottle service.

Hell yeah. It was like everybody's... Did you post a picture? Yeah. Yeah. I remember that picture. I remember every one of your pictures. Yeah, I got bottle service.

You savoring a champagne. You learning about sex for your mom. Do we want to pause for a moment and talk about the Max Fund Drive? I'm dying to. Oh, ho. Oh, ho. Oh, bow before Santa. Yeah, it's this time of year, folks.

That magical time of year. You wait all year. You buy your Max Fun Drive tree. You put it in some of milk and cookies for your favorite podcaster to slide down the chimney. Yeah, my kids are going to stay up all night and see if they can catch the... The McElroy's. Yeah, the McElroy's. I was going to say someone else, but I forgot who.

That's fine. It's all podcasts. It's all good. It's all podcasts. It's time of year. But the, yes, it is Max Fun Drive. And do you know what that is? I know what it is because I've been a part of it so, so many times.

But for you, it is maybe your first time. Yeah. Oh, you're talking to me? Well, you must be talking to me. Well, you must be talking to me. No, I don't know. It was my new character, Fast De Niro. Micromachine De Niro.

You fuck my right. What do I mean? You fuck my right. Could you vote me? Craig? Micromachine. era. And that's the type of great stuff you've come to learn.

He drives a tiny little taxi. And the, yeah, so it is Max Fun Drive. Max Fun Drive. Did you know that every show on Maximum Fun Fun, this very network is supported by you, the listener? I had heard that. And here's the thing. If you've never, if this is your first time ever listening to the podcast, welcome.

Nice to have you. Welcome. Yeah, good choice. Are you Ivan's family member? Yes, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Decker. I think this, the way that we support the shows on this network is unique to the maximum fun. But what I like is I want the shows to be on another network that gets swallowed up by other media companies. And then they have to change a network.

And then they also have a Patreon on the side. That's what I think is preferable. Yeah. And also you like to have a full ad appears even before your podcast. begins that you're just all of a sudden hearing about Al Jazeera's coverage of something or other. Well, here's what's going on. This network, Maximum Fun, is completely supported by listeners. This show specifically is entirely supported by listeners.

We don't have ads for nothing. No ads for nothing. And we're, we've been with the network for, we were in, it was us, Coilin Sharp, Casper Hauser. Oh, yeah, and I don't think those guys were alive anymore. And we've been here since 2011, I think. Yeah, we've been knocking around these parts. I'd like to knock around those parts.

Dave pointed out my penis. And testicles. That's right. Sorry, you're right. It was the whole junk area. We've been here a while. And we love it here. We've, yeah, we've been, the show has grown so much as a member of the community.

we love having all of you listening. If you're into Max Fun, if you're super like, if you like all the shows, if you want to like, if you go to the Sub Maximum Fun subreddit and talk to other Max Funsters, or if you're just someone who just likes our show,

welcome. Welcome. And I, um, I've always like, I support shows that I like. I'm, I subscribe to different podcasts and I like to be able to do it because

there are shows that I love. and I want them to thrive. And if you know, if you can't swing it, we're still there. It's all free, baby. Yeah. You get to hear us all the time. We make this show once a week for you for free. These episodes will be free forever.

Forever. We just want to let you know. You can support the show by going to maximum fun.org. slash join. You can now actually go to maximum fun. org slash join spy pod if you want to go directly to supporting this show. And we'll tell you a little bit more about some of the, stuff you can get if you support the show.

But right now, we just want to remind you, the show is completely supported by you. Head over to maximum fun.org slash join or maximum fund.org slash join spypod to support our show. And now back to our friend Ivan and me. Well, that was a lot of fun. This guy works in radio. He knows. He knows. Dave, what's going with you, man?

Oh, my God. What is it, bro? I, uh, so, uh, here's a, uh, I don't think even a fun story, but you guys can make fun of me. Okay. All right. Um, I'm ready. So last August, I think I was at the hospital. No, just the doctor.

Okay. Urgent care. The clinic. Just a regular doctor. I was a regular appointment. Uh, and do you have a regular, a family doctor? I have a family doctor. I never get him, though.

I get his clinic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's fine. What's the magazine situation? I don't know. I'm, I look at my phone. Yeah, I was at the doctor yesterday. There's no magazines there at all.

Yeah, there's just a box of masks and some hand sanitizer. There's no mask in my dog. We got magazines, no mask. Used to have a coat rack. Oh, that was nice. Hanging up your wet coat. Oh, yeah. Yeah, now you just got to hold it on the lap.

Oh, I only go to the doctor on nice days. It's raining up. I'm not going. I can't go. So I went last August, and my doctor has a sign that says, you know, you may only ask what three things. You can only have three ailments. It's true, like, because otherwise you do like a, you know, in alphabetical, here's how many I have. Well, well, I'm here.

I might as well. Can you take a look at this? But I, I'm, you know, I'm in pretty good health. So I really, you know, three is a lot for me. Yeah. Yeah. I'll only go to the doctor if it's like one thing really bothering me. Yeah.

And they took care of that pretty quick. And I was like, well, well, I'm here. You could just take a look at my toe. And I had a blister on my toe. Okay. And he was like, hmm, it's not infected. It's, I don't know what's causing it. Let's see if we could do to get it infected.

Let's try a couple of. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, well, you know what? I'm going to book you an appointment with a dermatologist. Ooh, the specialist RECO. Yeah. A dermatologist, if you don't know, it was a skin doctor. Yeah.

One, two. Prince is DLB. Five. Cortisone is mainly what we prescribe. Go ahead now. 5% if it doesn't work at 10. This is good. Mine only remember aloe.

We recommend aloe. They're an aloe. Oh, yeah, big aloe. Marry you, marry me. If you want 15, it's behind me. This guy's Mr. Cortisar. I think a lot about cortisol. Look, I'm of Irish descent.

Sure. Yeah. I've been to a... Highway to the cortisol. Nice. When I've been to the dermatologist, she says, I can do something, I can do nothing, or you can do something that costs $700. Yeah, those are the two options. It's like, either you just live with it or you go in for a full and she's like, and it might not even work.

$700 might not even take. Yeah. Here's a medication that'll make you feel horrible in a different part of your body. Yeah. She should just say, buy a nice coat. You know what I mean? Take the attention away from your skin. Yeah.

By wearing something nice. Yeah. Be itchy. Or have you tried face paint? She gives you a brochure. Mime. How to be a mime. So I went.

So they said, this was in August. They said, you know, we'll get you a referral to a dermatologist. And I said, well, I don't know if the blister will still be here. Yeah. But it'll, you know, it comes back every, it pops and comes back. Yeah. I know, sorry. And they're like, oh, don't worry, you.

This appointment won't be for ages. Yeah. Like, he was immediately, he scoffed at me worrying about, like, the time frame. It'll be month. And he was right. Yeah. I got a call in December saying, so you've gotten a referral to the dermatologist. How's April for you?

So from August to April, that's how long I waited. Oh, wow. And it was to a place that is a, it's like a, not a public dermatologist. Like, it's not like in a clinic. It is a like, they do. Burles only. They do plastic surgery. They do like injectables.

Oh, yeah. And I guess maybe as part of their agreement with the government, they have to do a certain amount of free work. Yeah. They do one every six months. You're the second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why we wait for so long. Bringing the freak, they say.

And it was a beautiful office. It has like maybe the most expensive real estate I've ever seen. It was on the water. Oh, wow. Did they try to sell you any upsell? They give you any like, Botox or? They were like, actually, you kind of have perfect skin. Yeah.

Otherwise. Could you stay here so we can study you? Yeah. What did they do? What? They said, take off your shoe. Slowly. Yeah.

And I was like, can I leave my sock on? No, no, no. They looked at my toe. They asked me some questions. And they determined that I have a, the blisters caused by arthritis. Oh, shit. And so there's like a, the joint has arthritis underneath joints from the mellow fellas. Yeah, there we go.

Yeah. I've heard of those. That before 20. You know what I mean? I got arthritis in all my joints. Nice. And they had a look and they said, okay, well, we'll try to get you, you need surgery. Really?

Really? To get surgery to get this little blister. What? And I was like, you get surgery for arthritis. Well, it's not for arthritis. It's for the connection between the skin and the arthritis. Oh. I take her word for it.

I asked a bunch of questions just because I was like, I got to get my five minutes word. I waited 10 months for this. Yeah. And it's like, it bothers me on the days that it hurts, it's a three. And then 90% of the time, it's zero. Yeah. So I'm like, well, I, you know, the surgery seems really small. Yeah.

I don't think I need to be put under for it. You can do it? Yeah. But, I mean, they also need to find somewhere that can do it. Oh, they don't do it there on us. No, they need to recommend. It's going to be 11 years. Yeah.

Wow. But I like the, I like the health system serving me. Yeah. It's nice to be in the system. And also like by the time it rolls around, maybe it'll be worse. Yeah. Yeah. I can always say no later.

I also. I should get on the list just in case I developed this problem. Yeah. Start now. This is my new thing is booking just a random appointment. Yeah. Because I'm like, something will happen between now and then. If not, it'll just cancel.

That's like anybody that does. doesn't have children, you guys should all go get on daycare waiting list now. Yeah, that's right. Before you even have met the person you're going to have children with. That's the time. Go get a figure out of childcare. It is a... You could sell your spot, I think.

Well, I'm actually not going to say what I... The name of what I was diagnosed with, just because it sounds gross. Oh, yeah, fair enough. Look it up, look it up, toe arthritis. Yeah. You'll find it. But I'll, you know, I'll bleep it for... for the listener, but it's a

g-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h... the lady-dermat-llere-tout by me at all. That's nice. That's nice. That's nice with a great-old. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you'd hope so.

So, you know, it's hard. It's like a dentist's got to have good teeth. That's why they wear the mask all the time. Well, isn't the thing you would want to have the barber with the worst haircut because he gives everybody else the best haircuts in town. So, right? Isn't that the old song? Because then you're like, who cuts your hair?

Yeah. If it's good. So when you want somebody to come into the clinic with a real mashed up face? And you'd be like, you must be very good. Yeah. Because you can't work on your own face. Yeah, I do all the other dermatologists skin. Yeah, I was at the physiotherapist.

And at one point the guy told me to take my shirt off. And then it was just off for the rest of the time that I was in there. But he wasn't doing anything. Yeah, they need my shirt off. And then at one point, he had me like, he was like, okay, you got to pull on this wall and do this exercise. And I was like, well, people could see me from the street now. And I'm just standing here not wearing a shirt. Yeah.

Well, what we're going to do is we're going to put a big black top hat over the upper half of you and we're going to paint a face on your belly. This should help with your rotator cup. Also, they won't be able to see you from the street. They won't know it's you. They'll be able to see you when you're marching in my parade. And what we need you to do is learn this choreography. Yeah, you've got to make it look like it's whistling.

It'll really help your back. I forgot about those things. Yeah. Yeah. Real America's funniest people kind of thing. I wish, yeah, it's so awkward in those situations. situations where you're like, can I put my shirt back on? And they're like, yeah, of course. Like, sometimes they come at you with like a lot of attitude. Like, yeah, you should put it on ages ago. You didn't tell me.

Yeah, I thought that you were going to do. It's more titty twisters. Please be seated of the shirt. You know what I mean? Like when you go to a wedding or church and people stand up and then they're like, please be seated. Yeah, please be seen it. Absolutely. That energy is very airport security.

Yes. Yes. Do I take my shoes off? No, you fucking idiot. We haven't done that in 30 years. Yeah, like, get out of here. Go over there, that guy's going to slap you. You're like, what?

Can I put my shirt back on? No. You can't go through security. You take your shirt off. Well, it's a metal shirt. That's right. And wear a plate mail when I fly. Take off anything metal.

Well, the shirt says Megadap. Take it off. It's just a cannibal corpse shirt. I, uh, have you, like, outside of Vancouver, you've been to other airports that allow you to Keep the laptop in the bag? Oh, yeah. Is that big that down in the States, they've got that everywhere? Yeah, because it's TSA Precheck, which is like, you know, you got a, that's, you just give

them your stuff. There's no. You can get pregnant from TSA pre-com. Yeah, that's right. That's right. I'm going to have to get your mom on the phone. But I learned this with TSA Preject, they have like a no-nonsense rule where like, this is filled with slinkies.

But it's like, it's like, you can. If you get kicked off it, that's it for life. For life. Oh, sure. Because there was a guy I worked with in Utah that he said he had used the same bag that he had gone hunting. And he left like one bullet in the bottom of the bag. And like ammunition is like, that's like one of those like strictly no. And so he had a bullet in his bag.

And they're like, well, that's it. No more precheck forever. So what does he have to do instead? Regular line. Regular line. Did they let him bring the deer carcass through? Yeah. Your lab, that's fine.

What would you, what would be something funny that you wouldn't get in trouble with, not internationally, because you could get nailed for anything, but like, would it be funny to have a suitcase that's just filled to the brim with hot dogs? Like, at least they'd bring you over for secondary inspection. Do like some kind of gel that's like on the, like, it's not quite a liquid? Well, Graham got pulled aside for chili. For chili. Oh, yeah. And it was like, the one person was like, huh, I'm not sure if this counts as a liquid. Hey, come over here and brought over another agent.

She was like, geez. Where was this? This is in Calgary. And then they brought over a third person. Their supervisor came on and they had this whole debate. They're like, well, if you tip it, it does flow like the liquid. But the way it's sitting, it definitely is like a flowed like a harpoon daly and night. Now, in security school, what was the rhyme we learned?

Chili's and stews never lose. But yeah, they had a whole lot. like a conference. And then what was the end result? I had to give it to them. No. You lost the chili? Yeah.

There's no way they didn't eat it too. You always think when the other guy comes over, you're like, I'm almost there. Also like, you want that guy to come over and be like, stop wasting my time. You know the chili protocol. Chili's fine. Yeah.

Look at that guy. He needs it to live. Don't take it with this guy's chilly. Yeah, you got to try to stand as close to the chili as you can. But the security people are like, like, uh-huh. But last week, you said that the, Yeah.

I'm just trying to prove that you were wrong two weeks ago. You took away that gumbo. We also have to confiscate. What about a jambalaya? We've got to confiscate your cornbread. Oh, no. If there's rice in the chili and the chili gets absorbed into the rice, then it's probably fine. Yeah, you can bring a rice through?

Or can you? I don't know. If it pours like a liquid. It has liquid in it. It was. If it's not cooked, if it's just water and dry rice. But this is who's securing our boarders. What do you bring a battery-powered working rice maker and it becomes cooked rice as you're

getting through. So it starts as like when by the time you go through it, it's all that. Well, flawless. Yeah. Listeners right in if you're a rice and chili game. Graham,

what's going on with you? The other night I went, the other night being last night, I went to a movie at the cinema in the neighborhood. And was this the comedy? The legitimate cinema? Close, but opposite.

The drama. Yeah. I saw lineups around. on the block for this movie. This is the Zendaya Robert Pattinson relationship film by, it's an A24 film. Okay, we love A24.

You're going to line up for that. Arie Aster's one of the producers. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's not a line up to where I live 24. When we were standing in the line, like, calling when it's a live action, bluey movie. Live action. With dogs? Yeah.

Just a bunch of dogs talking to? Sounds pretty good. Learning lessons, making you cry. Yeah, the movie that had got out before, like, we were standing a line, was all people came out just completely white hair. Like every other that's the scariest movie. Oh, was that one with like a bunch of nuns? It was, no, it was Elvis. Oh, it was an Elvis concert.

Elvis penis in concert. Oh, Presley, I guess. And so they were getting out and they were, uh, They were adorable. Adorable folks. Yeah. Coming out, just talking about

how much they liked Elvis. Yeah, their hips were swaying. Yeah. Well, we used to get our rocks off to him, they would say to each other. Oh,

man. And then, yeah, there wasn't a huge lineup for the movie, but it had been lineups around the block the last few nights.

Yeah, I, the day it opened, I could smell popcorn from a block away. Let me say. Top five things about having a movie

theater in your head. You just casually walk over, see whatever's happens to be playing. You get to just out of nowhere just smelled delicious popcorn

smelled just wafting down the street. I forgot my classes. I was able to go home and get my classes and bring them to the movie. It's like when the comedy club is close enough to your hotel room that you can go to the bathroom

in your own hotel room instead of at the club. You have to sit in the stall and hear people from the audience feeling that guy sucks. We didn't want to see it in front of him but in the bathroom. What did you think of that guy? That's bad.

I hated him. But it was great. The movie was great? It was really good. And it was, this is the thing. So it won't say anything about it because I knew nothing. I just knew that it was something to do with a wedding. It's called The Drama.

It's called The Drama. I was actually saving it for my mama. Is she going to go with you? So it's good. It's good. And it did something that, so I've been, as listeners know, I watch a lot of horror movies. Mm-hmm. And I've become immune to the jump scare.

I know when it's coming. If it's silent, if there's, I know it's just count down. What about in real life? Oh, God. No. Anything in real life. Yeah. I get jump scared by my whole family every day by accident.

Yeah. I have to try so hard to not jump scare my wife. Like, we've lived together for. almost 10 years now. And just, if she's in the shower and I have to go into the bathroom that she's in, I just start talking from like the front door. I'm like, I'm coming to the bathroom

where you are showering, going to get my toothbrush. And it's still open the door. Yeah, I have to do the same thing, Sally. A lot of like, I don't want to scare you, so I'm walking behind you. A lot of behind you, chef. We do a lot of that.

Corner. I say a lot of corner. Corner. But two jump scares in the movie, oh, they got me. And they got me big time. Because it was a drama because it wasn't a horror movie. Exactly.

Didn't see them coming. And then the other thing was, the thing about having a movie theory here, but you get to go see movies with a bunch of people, a lot of fun. Yeah. Have a communal reaction to something. Yeah. So when those jumps scare have, ah, everybody. So fun.

Yeah. Getting together. I'm really enjoying the park theater. It's the best. New movies all the time. Yeah. During the pre-show, like on the screen, it's local businesses advertising their services. I love.

I like, yeah, local cinema. Yeah, it's really, it's really good and really fun. And then also there's a couple points in the movie where a dramatic twist happened. And everybody in the audience was, no. Oh, gosh. That's great. I, you know, in that episode of Seinfeld where there's the guy who sidels up next to Elaine all the time and is like taking credit for her work.

Yeah. That was one of the real big plot holes for me is that in that episode, she's like, well, maybe I'll give them some tic tacks so I can hear him coming. Right. And then he's like, I don't like tic tacks. Well, what about? And then she mentions other, like, mouthwash. Yeah.

Because it hurts my cankers. And then the only, oh, what about gum? The only gum I like is from this old vintage toilet. Yeah. Gumball machine that Jerry has access to from the woman he's drugging. Oh, yeah. But that doesn't solve the sidling up. You need it to be Tic Tacs.

Oh, you're right. That does really right back to the Tick Tacks. Right. Peterman hates the Tick Tacks. But then your plan is quashed anyway. But then doesn't she start sidling? She saddled up to him. She's wearing wrestling shoes.

Yeah, that's right. She cites. She cites. She says. She cites. She cites. Yeah. But the fact that they need to pursue some kind of.

Yeah, you're right. Fresh nerd. He had a gross dead tooth, I thought. Yeah, but what does he, what does she care? I don't know, that was that was, that was plot B of the sidling. Sitaling was problem A, bad breath problem B. They just had to get that. I don't know, it was from the season where Larry left.

Larry was a real logic guy. Yeah, yeah. Season 8's where he was gone. They really let a lot of stuff slide through. It got whackier towards the end. Yeah. It became a very wacky show, which I still loved. And the wackiness. I mean, we're on a day of the year where tobacco is wacky.

Yeah. Nice. Well, do you guys want to chat about Max Fund Drive for a second before we go to Overhur? Well, I think we could leave Ivan out of this. Well, before we go on to those overheards. The damn overhards, as we say with our Canadian accents. Golly. We want to talk to you a little bit more about the Max Fonters.

fun drive here on Maximum Fun. And this is once a year. We do it two weeks where we invite people who are listeners of the show if they are interested to join the MaxFund family. Pledge some money towards the show that you love and the shows that you've loved on this network. There's a lot of love. There's a lot to love on this network. Yeah. But right now we're talking about us and you love us and you should support us at maximum fun.

dot org slash join spy pod. I just want to talk about how important it is that we are supported by you because we've been making this show for 18 years. 18 years. No one wants us to make it. Nobody. In fact, I've got letters from the government stating the contrary. No one in power is like, hey, we got to give these guys.

We got to, you know, open up our pocketbooks and pay these two. Yeah. But you can. You're the only reason we're still off. That's true. And if you out there, if you're just new to the podcast this year, we've got, like Dave said, 18 years of catalog that you can listen to. It's all for free. And just this time of year, we say if you can, if you'd like to, join and help support the show, we absolutely would adore it.

Yeah. So the thing is, we have 18 years of shows that are all for free. We also have a bunch of years of shows that are for $5 a month. Yeah, and this, if you're in the, and this is one of my favorite things about supporting content. I like the bonus episodes. Because then, you know, that you're in between episodes, you kind of get a hankering, like, I can't wait for the new one come out. Dip into the bonus content. Oh, let's see what Dave and Graham think about Mr. Bean.

Well, I'll tell you what. We watched every episode of Mr. Bean and we told you all about them with our series, Bean there, done that. Spoiler. It fucking rocks. It rocks. Mr. Bean's the best. You're probably wondering, what did Dave and Graham think about, you know, who would be recast in the new updated version of Frazier? You can only find out by going and listening to the Boko, which, if you haven't heard, we're the kings of Boko.

We are kings of Boko. Boko, if you're new, bonus content. Yeah, and we're the kings of that. So if you want to be in on the inside track, this is your chance. So you're probably wondering, how, what do I do? What are you talking about? Here's what you do. You go to maximum fun.org slash join. You click on the shows you want to support.

You sign in. You say how much you want to give per month. And at every dollar level per month, there are different gifts that you can get. If you are a new or upgrading member. And to all of our members that are returning members year and year out, we love you. We love you. We're going to talk about the, the stuff you can get if you're new and the different levels of gifts here.

So at $5 a month, whether you're new or returning, $5, I think that's the way to go. That's the sweet spot. That is the way if you want to really support the show, if you want to get the most of our work. Yeah. That's the way to do it because we, at that level, you get bonus content. We started making bonus content in 2011. Yeah, and it's good stuff. Once a month we talk about news stories that are a little cookie.

We call it hot topics. Yeah. And we're kind of, I hate to say it, but two of Canada's greatest journalists. Yeah, sort of. It's like us, Ben Mulrooney. Yeah. Peter Mansbridge. Peter Mansbridge.

So, Ginley. Yeah. Anyone who hosted the new music on much music. Yes, John Ovision. Anyone who hosted fashion TV with Jeannie Becker. Well, Jeannie Becker. Yeah. Virginia Becker, Red Green.

These are all our greatest journalists. Yeah. And so at $5 a month, you get this entire back catalog. I don't know how many episodes. Over 100 episodes, I'm sure. Yeah. Of bonus content of just, mostly just me and Graham. Yeah, just riffing, having a time.

Sometimes we have a guest on there. Oh, my favorite bonus episode of recent years, when you and Abby, we had Abby as a guest, and you did a music trivia quiz, a 90s music. music trivia quiz. It was so much fun. Well, that's on there. You just have to do some digging. And then you keep supporting the show.

You're going to keep getting bonus content twice a month. Yeah. And that's $5 a month. If you have a little more money kicking around that you're looking to find a home for, you go to $10 a month. At $10 a month, you get all that sweet, sweet bonus content and a little bit of a treat. A little key chain. Yeah. We've done pins in the past.

pass enamel pins. This year we're doing enamel key chains hours. There's 41 of them to choose from. Yeah. From the 41 shows on the network. Wow. That's crazy. I feel like there must be some of some shows must have gotten two key chains. Yeah, well we only have the one keychain. Yeah, we think it's pretty neat. And ours is a very shiny gold. Kings of Boko keychain. That's how you can let everybody know. You're on the inside track. You're one of the coolest kids on the playground. Key chains, to me, the top.

I got one. Love it. I have one I've kept since. Boy, I have this. Well, it used to belong to my brother. He stopped using it. It's a Vancouver Canucks keychain. But it is from 1990.

And it's been in use by one of us the whole time. And is that an enamel? I think it's enamel. Those ones last forever. You still use one from 1990 for crying out of a lot. It's either enamel or marble. I always get those two mixed up. At $20 a month, you get all of that and then a good clean fun bag or a rocket visor.

At $35 a month, there's all of that plus an infinite quench water bottle. You can go to maximum fun.org slash join. See what you can get at every level. But the important thing is you could do the five. You do the five. And then from there, maybe you splurge a bit. but you got to do that five. Well, thank you everybody for listening to us.

And I don't know, how about we get back to the show? Overheard. Overheard's where if you hear it out there in the world, don't keep it to yourself. Come on, share it. Pass it around. Let us hear it too. Yeah.

And we always like to start with the guest. Ivan, do you have an overheard? I mean, it is from within my own home. That counts. If you hear it? Absolutely. I heard it. As we mentioned, I have two children.

I have a one-year-old and a three-year-old. The three-year-old speaks. One-year-old learning to speak. Okay. So the one-year-old has some limited... He has wants and desires that he wants to communicate. So, like, if he wants to see, like, when I make coffee, he's like, see coffee, see coffee? He wants to see me make the coffee.

Right. And try to put his hand in it and burn, you know, it's too hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't water burn baby. Don't do that. Ouchy. Yucky. He does that a lot.

Yucky sometimes. He put a bit of piece of his crib off. Oh. Like Yucky. He was like saying, I walked in there. He's like, yucky. And he pointed. And there's just a bite out of his crib.

I was like, don't eat your bed. So why did you serve me this? Yeah. I'm not even judged you anymore. He was very accusatory. You should put one of those Mr. Yuck stickers on. Do they still have those? This is grub.

I'm never eating here again. So anyway, I'm in my home. And this is during breakfast time. Breakfast is a good. It's hard. You want to eat as a family. but also that's the only time the two children are somewhere where they're not going to move so you can have a shower. Yeah.

So I, in the shower, my wife, Emily, is with the boys at the dinner table. And I'm like in the shower. I make a noise. And then I hear, my wife hears the noise. And she goes, what was that? And then Harvey goes, probably just a stranger. And then the one year old. And he goes, see stranger?

See stranger? Don't worry about it, Dad. It's probably just a stranger. He was very chill about it. My daughter had a big, her thing was always, see, see, want to see. And it was any time we took a picture on the phone. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure, yeah.

I can't even imagine if it blow a kid's mind. You can move a thing around on a screen. Not at all. doesn't bother them at all. They're so conditioned to it from... Would they be blown away by one of those little bubble games? Maybe. Yeah, I bet you they would.

Yeah. We do like the videos, but I learned like video calling with a child is a nightmare. It's not good. They don't know how to point the camera at their face. They can't focus. So we do to something I learned from one of the greatest pieces of art in our time, Starship Troopers.

Go on. Is that we just send video messages. Like, hello. This is like a letter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like in Star Trekers, that's what they do. That's how he gets broken up with by the video. Geez, you have seen this video on.

Denise Richards. I like to pretend she's breaking up with me. Did you have it on DVD? No. Oh, wow. I just, I don't know, it's locked in there. But, you know, I'm a big Verhoeven fan. I think he's a psycho and it's great.

Yeah. Robocop also great. Stripies? No. That's... Show girls? Showgirls. Yeah, show girls.

Yeah, show girls. And Robocop and Total Recall. Total recall. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing body away. And he insists they're all comedies. All right.

Sure. He's like Robocop was a comedy. Star Trek troopers is pretty funny. Yeah. Well, because the whole idea that was like, it was like this, what if we did a teen drama, high school drama, but during a horrible war in a dystopian future. Yeah. And they also have like winking like this is what propaganda is about all this kind of.

Yeah. It's like a propaganda film from within that world. And, like, they're rebooting Robocop, and I know they're going to do it without the, like, you know, comment on consumerism. Oh, for sure. And, you know, the, yeah, the kind of digitizing of everything. It's just going to be the part where Robocop is Robocop. Yeah. Did they read, didn't they already remake it?

They did one with Joel Shinemann. Yeah, and he had a real hand. He had one real hand. The part of was like, like, why, guys? He's already got a mouth, give him somewhere else for the bad guys to shoot. He's got him. It is true. It is one of the.

the flaws that they leave his only living tissue completely exposed to get shot off. The biggest, the thing with the first Robocop is at the end where he goes, the part, it's like, it's all future, future, but it's like 80s future, which is fun. But the part that's like the most unbelievable part of it for me is at the very end when he's in the boardroom and he seamlessly, wirelessly connects to the boardroom video to show the incriminating evidence in like one second. Yeah. I was like even today.

It'd be like, what's the Wi-Fi? Hang on, what's the... I need your login to get on that. This is plugged in. H-D-M-3? Is it H-DMI 3? Sorry, I'm playing it, but how do I share audio? Yeah, there's no sound.

Like, I grabs the gun and kills the CEO. God damn it. That's really good. But yeah, so we send video messages to each other, and then, yeah, the kids will... They'll send one back. That's fine. Yeah, my mom will send a video, and then they'll just watch.

watch it like a hundred times. Yeah. Cute. Yeah. Then you don't have to like be on the phone. Yeah. Yeah. Be on the phone stuff.

It's a, it's another generation, you know, being, I just feel like being, because now that I'm on the other end of it, I mean, obviously I love talking to my children, but I remember being a kid and they're like,

you do the pass the phone around. Yeah. Yeah. And then like, by the time you get to the third brother. You sort of consider yourself your kid's aunt. Yeah.

We have a very aunt. See auntie? Auntie? Auntie? See auntie. Anti-daddy. Anti-daddy. Probably just a stranger or anti-daddy.

Dave, do you haven't overheard? I'm pro-daddy. Pro-daddy. But, yes, I haven't overheard it. It's from my, also from my own family. Okay. My niece is in high school and she's doing a, like, a career unit, and they have to talk to people about their careers. And she chose me, and she interviewed me about my career as a podcaster.

exciting. And so she had all these questions. It was very in-depth. It was like, silence you make. So much more than I would have done as a teenager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

They're facing much more dire economic times. And like, what do you think of will happen in the future and stuff like that? Do you think you'll be in the salt mines? And so I was telling my mother about it. We were having dinner and we were all talking about it. And my mother was like, well, what did she ask you about? And I said, my career. And we go on and we keep talking.

And then my mom says, so let me get this straight. She went to ask you about your friend Michael Rear. You lost me at Michael Rear. Yeah, I'm doing a project on Michael Rear. It's part of the curriculum now. Why doesn't she just interview Michael Rear? Yeah. She could probably get him.

So I was like, no. My career. But also, maybe you don't think it's worthy of a high school project. Did you have a friend named Michael Rear? Nope. This is one of those polls like your mom always does. Like, do you know Michael Rear from high school? I ran into his mom.

He died. He's dead. He's dead. skin disease. Anyways, you're coming over? Couldn't get an appointment. You opted not to get toe surgery. Yeah, the toe disease spread all over his whole body.

Couldn't find the brakes. He didn't have, he opted not to get the surgery for. I love their third album. Do you have an overheard, Graham? I do. And it was courtesy of these lovely, um, older folks that were coming out of the Elvis movie. One of them had the best.

What's the character on S&L that? I'm 50. What's that character called? Sally O'Malley. She was like an older. She was probably like in her 80s Sally O'Malley, but wearing like a red jumpsuit with like a... That is a really dated character at this point.

Like 50 year olds are, were born in 1976. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So she was, she was... They all look great. Yeah. She looks great.

That Jack's. Cain Sugar. and they look the same age as us. Yeah, it's true, and it's all thanks to Cain Sugar. But I was going back to get my glasses, and I passed by, and they were chatting to a couple about their dog, beautiful dog. And one of them was asking,

I've never heard somebody ask this question for, when he was younger, was he bad? She was hoping, I think, probably for like some scamp stories or something like that. Yeah, he, uh, ate a sweater. Oh. You have a dog?

You don't have a dog, do you? No, we never had pets growing up because my dad was allergic, even though after my parents got divorced, he was gone. We had an alpacca. We had, like, guinea pigs. We actually had guinea pigs,

and then we did the pre-divorce vacation, where your parents go, like, oh, we just need a vacation. Oh, yeah. How's this work? Then they fight the whole time. time on the vacation and then you find out in, you know, Mexico that your parents are getting a divorce.

But that was this. Yeah, we drove. We did this big road trip. Oh, that's a great way to save a marriage. Yeah. I was like, literally, this is like the thing I would do if I was trying to end a marriage. Like, drove this Volkswagen bus my dad fixed up from. To Tijuana from Canada.

Really? Yeah. Wow. It was a real, uh, a whole thing. But we had these guinea pigs. And before we left. my dad just let them go We're not going to eat these anymore

In the yard He's like, let them go in the yard And then we came back And we had a bunch of guinea pigs Like living in our yard Really? So they survived So we had like for a couple years We had guinea pigs

Wow But then it got too cold and they all died Yeah Yeah What do we think of that Electric Volkswagon bus? I mean it would be cool If it wasn't like a hundred thousand dollars

Yeah that's the thing Does like the price point The point is insane. Yeah. Yeah. Have you... It's like Raybans coming back being like 200 bucks. You're like, these were $5.

That's why they became cool. Rayband, though, weren't they always expensive, Raybans? No, they were like the cheap plastic sunglasses that everybody wore. That's how they started off, cool. Wayfares, though? They weren't expensive. I don't know about those. Those, they only gave to pilots.

Yeah. Couldn't have those unless you had a jacket with fur, the leather, and one of those hats. Yeah, yeah, one of the leather hats. And they're like, take the goggles up and put the wayfarers. On casual Friday, can a pilot dress like that like a World War II fighter pilot? I would love the pilot to just have one of those stupid leather hats. It's Halloween. What are you?

I'm sully. Every captain is wearing the mustache. Just regular uniform. And the captain from Lost. He's probably the most iconic airplane captain. Captain from Lost? No. Solis. What about Billy Bishop?

Oh, yeah. He's a Canadian war? Although he was, I think he was a liar, right? That was the whole thing. Oh, they still named an airport after him, so that's pretty good. Pretty good. You lie you were out to be in. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Didn't take that airport. Do I take that? McCarran. Who's McCarran? He was who's the Vegas airport was named after. And they took it away because he was a bad guy. Oh, did they? What do they named it after? Different guy.

They didn't, they didn't name it after like a Vegas staple. Like, to Rudner Airport. Yeah, yeah. Where isn't there one somewhere that's... Where's the Bob Hope Airport? That's in Burbank. Burbank. Okay.

Yeah. I was about a $35 sandwich to go from there. Yeah. Is there a John Wayne somewhere as well? Yeah. John Wayne is in... I think that's also... Is that also Los Angeles County?

I would feel like any of the movie star one. But then there's Ronald Reagan Airport. Is that in Washington? Yeah. Maybe. George Bush is in Texas. Of course. And then Nancy Reagan Airport is at the, that's the throat goat airport.

There was a special wing off of, I don't know. She was very. Was it that she was particularly good of Fallatio? Yeah. Okay. She had a reputation before she was met Ronnie. That was, maybe that was good. That sealed the deal, yeah.

Good for her. Yeah. Yeah. Just because you're a president's wife. Don't slow down. Keep going. Now, keep it going. They know to drugs.

Say yes to Malaysia. Is that it? That's it. We also have overheard sent into us by people all over the map. If you want to send one in, sending it into SPY at maximum fund.org. This first one comes from Bree M in Albany, New York. Not to be confused with 3M who makes scotch tape.

And Band-Aids, next care. What was the, was that their original thing, 3M was tape? What launch 3M? They were always the people who would take a product that already exists and make it better. Okay. They were like, here's, oh, you think you make scotch tape? We got a better scotch tape. Yeah.

Because their Band-Aid, like, Next Care is like their... You think it's better than Band-Aid? Well, no, they do. Yeah. What is it? What's so good about this thing? I feel like I'm at... I don't know shit about Band-I.

This is off topic, but I think we all need to stop buying the variety pack of Band-Dids. I think decide on a Band-Aid shape that you need to... for your life. Yeah. And get it. I needed to buy Band-Aids the other day, and I was like, hmm. Like, this is... Because the variety pack is very tempting.

But, like, do I want the see-through? Do I want the skin color? Do I want the skin color? I don't want the skin color one that... By the way, when I say skin color, I mean white person skin. Yes. I don't want the skin color one that is also, like, fabric-y and gets all wet and juicy. I see.

I kind of like the strings. I like when the strings come up. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like the one that leaves residue. Rink more than the plastic ones. I feel like the plastic want to slide right off. I'm a big liquid band-aid man. Just the crazy glue that you brush on there.

Oh, yeah. It's the best. Is it just crazy glue or is it like a band-aid version of? I assume it's something different. Talk to 3M. I won't. I refuse. So this is not 3M.

This is BreaM. Okay. From Albany, New York. My coworker was on the phone. He and whoever he was talking to were undecided about something. And he finally decided on the next step and said, well, we don't sit here like two monkeys fucking a football.

What? And the greatest new phrase was born. Oh, man. Did he miss speak or that is one of his say? That's one of his saying. That sounds great. What part of the world? I got to know more.

The geography of this. Albany, New York. Albany, New York. But this guy can't be a, that's not a New Yorker. It's hard to say. Is it? I don't know. It's upstate.

Yeah. What did you point at while he, was reading. Oh, the tar. I saw the tar sticker. Oh, the tar sticker. I thought you were pointing at some 3M product in the room. I was like, do I have a post-it note? Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking about what type

of Band-Aids to buy. You got to be really in my brain. I'm stuck on them. Are they? Do you want to know why? Yeah, I would like to know why. Stuck on me. That's nice. Barry Manilow wrote that. Did he really? Are you a polysporan under Band-Aid? Yeah. No, I'm a polysporan on its own

wait a while. Wait a band-ed. Because then it doesn't stick. Yeah. Like put this slipperiest thing in the world under the glue of the band-a. I don't find polysporon to be particularly slippery.

Here's what I want. I want a pre-polisporan Band-Ai. Why don't they make that? Like, you know how it's sponges? You can get the ones that already have soap in them? Yeah.

I want a Band-Aid that already has polysporon on the little... I feel like they have something in them. They must have, right? That's not... It's not too good an idea. Just a little gauze. Yeah.

Isn't it? I mean, I think it is because it's supposed to be sterile. Okay, well, there's your problem You can get sterile Polysport I mean, I assume it is already, right? Then why can't they have it already?

Exactly, put that, get them on the... But the reason I said I thought they might have something in them is when you said, well, I can't have it. Never mind. Yeah. This next one comes from Julie M in Evansville, Indiana.

This is a license plate and bumper sticker combo. license plate T-U-B-A-1 T-U-B-A number one Yeah O-N-E bumper sticker

Nope I just lug it around for the exercise So this is This is a tuba person Wow Tuba polysporan is what I need Why can't they make that?

Why can't they make that They do That would be a good knock-knock joke Talk knock Who's there Tubba Tubah who Tuba Polis-Polish-Poreen please

that's as good as any knock-knock joke that's ever been written. That's better. That's better than most. I think tubba toothpaste probably works better. Yeah. That's good. That should be $1,000 later. The dentist should sell that.

That should be in the gift bag. You get a floss, a toothbrush, and then a sticker on that joke. And a knock-knock joke. Like the ones in the Christmas crackers, that's way better than any of the Christmas Crackers. Yeah, that's really good. We created a knock-knock.

I hate to tell you, I don't think we created it. Oh, you think it's out there? I don't, I don't specifically remember hearing it, but it's got to be out there. Yeah. I don't know. I think we grabbed it. Two, but one.

I just look it around for the exercise. I just Googled tuba knock knock joke. Is it one of them how to write a knock knock joke? Well tutorial. That's the same guy that Tommy had to fix my washing machine. I don't see it immediately. He's really star for content. Yeah, okay.

This last one comes from Nick and Avon, Connecticut, I think. C.T. C.T. Yeah. Once I was waiting for my takeout sandwich at Chosen One Cajun Cajun Cefood, home of the seafood shovel in Bloomington, Connecticut. Finally. Bloomfield, Connecticut, sorry.

The employees started moving a bunch of large boxes full of wet plastic bags of boiled clams, crab, crawfish, lobster, mussels, and shrimp to a car outside. A fancy mom in her middle. school age daughter came up to the counter. The manager gave them on the total of $1,500, and she thanked him for the special deal. He said, no one has ever, ever loved our food like your daughter before. Number one customer.

The girl twirled around in a pink dress, swinging a dripping bag of assorted seafood, and exclaimed, this is going to be the greatest 12th birthday party in the whole world. What? Wow. Yeah. A kid who loves seafood that much? The bag seafood?

The boils. Bags of clams from a trunk. Yeah. Like, you're going to have to, you got to have so much stove work going on to make all of these things all over. Or a lot of plumbing work. Yeah. But also, like, the car is going to stink.

Yeah. Absolutely. Maybe she just hired a car. You got to pick it up. The Uber driver's like, uh, you didn't disclose this. Yeah. We were picking up a giant bag of. You didn't tell me we were picking up.

$1,500 worth of bags of seafood. Just wet bags. But like, the girl who likes the seafood, does she also have friends that are going to come to her party and be excited about eating muscles and crab? All of her friends are seaagles. She's like Tarzan, but of Seals. She's having her party up on a cliff above some rocks. Then they're going to run and get to be little fries. They're going to drop.

Yeah, they're going to have to figure out how to break the shells with their little bird brays. Then there's a bunch of children with fries, like weak children. Cones of fries. They can't handle it. Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, do it, I guess. Leave us a voice memo. So mad.

Email the voice memo to SPY at Maximum Fun.org. Or leave us a voicemail at 1.844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPaw. Bud 1, like these people have... Hello, SPY. This is Yael in San Francisco, California,

with an overdue overheard. The golden poppies are in bloom here in California. And it's so beautiful that, like Proust, tasting the Madeline, my mind was transported back to a medical device center that I worked 10 years ago. And we kept trying to get hold of this one patient. She never picked up her phone. And on her answering machine, it was always, I'm not home right now.

Spring has sprung and so have I. I am frolicing among the flowers. I just really thought about that as I walked past these gorgeous golden poppies. No freaking way. Love it. Love it. That's great. an outgoing message at all?

No, no, I don't even know how to do it. Something has happened on my phone in the last few months where I've switched it to now when they, when an unknown number calls me. Yeah. They have to identify themselves. So I get a lot of messages that are Anthony. Oh, yeah. I get, yeah, my dentist's one was maybe Sandy.

And I was like, I don't know. I think because, yeah, they can steal your voice with, uh, from your outgoing message. Oh, yeah? They can have it. They take your voice and then they, I mean, unfortunately for you guys, there's a lot of. There's a lot of, yeah. Anybody wants to freak your voice. I'm doing a character.

But they call, they'll call your family and then it'll be you. Like, I want, and then like my in-laws are worried about it. Then I had to be like, ah, don't worry. I'm too embarrassed to ever ask you for money. So if I never ask you for money, no that it's not me. Because I would kill myself before I came to you for money. There was a, uh, so I got one. I kept getting called the other day

And I get a little Like text version of the voice message In my voicemail Yeah And the first one was Dread going Oh man And then a minute later

Drag towing And then a minute later Calling about towing a car It's drink towing It was Drake towing Drake towing Did you get towed? No

But it freaked me out because I Yeah. Because then I finally answered and I said, What's up? Yeah. Yeah, did you call us about towing a car? No.

And then I had to go check my car and make sure it wasn't being towed. Yeah, towed. I've been towed. That's fun. Yeah. I was with my brother and sister-in-law. We just watched a movie and then we walked out of the theater and the car was gone and we were like, oh no.

Like either scenario was bad. That feels like such a 90s thing. Yeah. For your car. It's towed. there's no digital like go to the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to the little counter.

And then the person. The person who's having, who has the worst job. Oh, yeah. Has the worst job that the customers, you know, facing employee at the, at the, what you call, tow yard? On main. On main and like, like, between like first and terminal, there's a street where the city tow trucks come.

out. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is it Drake or Busters or something? Yeah, Busters, I think. And I never let them in. I'm always like, you can't get in trap. You're going to go ruin someone's day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just give them another minute to move their car. Yeah. Stand up. Good work, Dave. Yeah, this is my little thing. Yeah, this is how you fight the power. Mm-hmm.

Next one. Hey, Dave, Graham, and probable guest. This is Micah from Utah with an overheard. I was substituting in a middle school class today And I gave them their assignment And then I heard one of the students say to her friend Five sentences, does she know how many sentences that is? Does she even know what she's doing to us?

That is like, it should be a crime. Make us write five sentences in middle school? Yeah, I I have fucking five sentences I'm trying to think Could I string together five sentences now? Yeah What's the most sentences

You've ever text to somebody? Texted Yeah Like in one In one text I do short sentences though I'm afraid of commas They really put that in my

Oh Oh sure Yeah I'll pre-write a text in the notes app So I'd make sure it's all good So it's not the doctor So I don't accidentally Send it midway through

Yeah I've done that. Yeah. But no, in a text, no, not five sentences. No, me neither. But I feel like. But I'm a big, I'll use periods and I'll do multiple sentences. I'll do, sometimes I want to do new paragraph, but then he hit that and that actually sent.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you guys have the setting on your phone where if you hit space twice, it creates a period? Yeah. No. It rocks. Double tap. That's great.

I do have a lot of, I, uh, I, I press exclamation or shift for exclamation point, but then I don't, I press the wrong thing. Have you ever had that where you do something pretty much automatically, but the second you think about it, you're like, I don't know how to make a capital. Oh, yeah. How about where do you get a comma from? I don't know, like, dollar sign. You can do hold the period button down to get exclamation point, or you can do like shift one.

Yeah. But I got to be a hold. I really got to cut you guys off. This is boring. So bad. Hey, Dave, Graham, possible guest. This is Dan in Kansas. City calling in with an overseen.

I was driving into work today. I got behind a Subaru with a bumper sticker that read, My other car is a different car. Okay, dokey. I wonder, it's also a Subaru. That's good. Yeah, you're going to want to double Subaru. Now, as a Subaru owner, you don't need two Subaru's.

I only have the one. I love it. I'd love a Subaru. Oh, I love it, but like it does, you can use it. Like, if you had two cars, use a Subaru for all you're like, got to get up a mountain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then get your other car for like, you know.

Holling clams. Yeah. Have either of you ever had one of those, the boils where they put on the table and everybody? I've had a crab boil where you do, they just drop the boiled crab at the table and you tear it apart. But then they give you gloves. And I was like, I don't need the gloves. And then I was like, I should have worn the gloves. My hands smell like dead crows.

for like a week. I had a Susan Boyle and I thought I was like, she's not going to be a good singer. Then she was. What was their nickname? The Nation's something. I don't know that she had a nickname. No, I thought she had some of English. English Rose?

No, that was probably Princess Diana. Susan Boyle. The Flower of England. Nickname. Well, she doesn't, it's no nickname. Oh, Susan Boyle's most prominent nickname is Subo. Subo. Subo.

That's what I was thinking. Sort of like J-Lo. Yeah. I, oh, hey, here's the thing that happened in traffic yesterday. There was, I was behind a car that just had a regular license plate. J-L-0-5-F, and I was like, wow, J-Lo, 55 female. I wonder if J-Lo is 55 years old. And I went home and, oh, and before I got home, I changed the radio station, if you had my love by Jennifer Lopez started blank.

Wow. And then I got home and I was like, is she 55? Is she 55? She's 56. Oh, okay. You missed it. When was her birthday, though? Was it while you were driving?

Yeah. Speaking of... It was a long drive to Mexico. They had the time of birth. A time of birth, yeah. What time? One time. What time was you for?

Speaking of J-Lo, because a long time ago, Ben Affleck, cheated on J-Lo at the Brandy's strip club. Brandies is going out of business. Yeah. Finally. After all these years. That's too bad. I might go for the first time just to say goodbye.

Let's go together. Yeah? You and me. Ivan and I, you want to end, Dave? Yeah, I guess I'll go and, I guess we have to get a big bottle service. In Pervert Row or whatever they call it. Yeah. Well.

Gynecology row, I heard it referred to as. That's the worst thing they could call it. I heard it referred to as a. But gynecology, they're the last people that would want to. Yeah, maybe dermatologist if you got a . . . . . I'm not bringing my work home with to go, you know, this is how you get away from it, you know? Yeah. Maybe gynecology students.

Sure. I got a big exam this evening. This evening. Tomorrow morning. You're doing night school. Night school. I'm coming here early and then I got an exam at 11 o'clock. Who's dancing today?

Oh, she's good. It's quite a specimen. They'll help me study. Well, that brings us. to the end of this here, first week of Max Fun Drive episode. Ivan, thank you so much for me.

Oh, this is such a treat. You're oh, so funny, and this is oh, so great to have you. Yeah, thanks for having me. And tell us again where people can see you, because you gotta see Ivan live. You got to see him do his thing on stage. I would love that.

Nobody like them. Yeah, please come and see me. I'm on tour through Central British Columbia, Colonna Camloops, and then also Victoria, which is not in the center, but it's the center of commerce. Sure.

Government. Sir, one of the two. Where are you playing in Victoria? The McPherson... Boccanay! You're playing the McPherson! Very exciting. So please come to that. It would be great.

The Just for Lefts Vancouver tour. Is that what that is? Yes. It's called the million dollar comedy tour. That's how much you're getting paid, right? That's how much we're going into debt for doing this. It's you? Elvis. Jerry Lee Lewis.

Whalen Jennings? The big boppers. The big bobbard. Yeah. And then, yeah, I'll be at the Halifax Comedy Festival first week of May. And probably also coming to a comedy. comedy club near you in you know check my website for dates at aviddecker.com i've been i usually post stuff on instagram if you want to know if i would like to you know

if you want me to come to your city join my mailing list uh the link is in my instagram bio and then i will send you an email when i come to your town that's great thank you very much for being our guest thank you for and this will be the last time we mentioned it today but it is a max fun drive our show is 100% supported by you and as you can see white hot Yeah, white spot this show. So if you want to support the show, we'll ask you one more time. Go to maximum fun.org slash join or maximum fun.org slash join spypod. I think this joint spy pod is more fun.

Well, yeah. Join is fine, but join spy pod is like the locks. Well, sure, yeah, of course. And you're typing in a longer URL. It makes you feel like a hacker. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, if you feel like a hacker, support the show. Yeah, if you want to be like a hacker.

Thank you. all for listening. Thank you for being a part of Maximon Drive. Until then, come on back next to another episode of Stop Podcast Yourself. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows, supported directly by you.