Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 95 - Mark Shumka

Episode Date: January 4, 2010

Dave's brother joins us and we have nothing to talk about. Fortunately he brought notes.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode 95 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and joining me as always is a man who is only one of two gentlemen wearing a stripy rugby shirt in this room this evening, Mr. Dave Shumka. That's right, because I have a rugby player's physique. Yeah.

And I do a mean haka. Our guest here on this episode, which I guess is our first episode of 2010, though through the illusion of audio. Catch the fever? Yeah, catch the fever is the slogan of 2010. We're actually still in 2009 when we're recording this. What's the future?

So, sorry if the planet is ruined and you're hearing this podcast on the radio. We have no information about where to get water or how to fight zombies or where the resistance lives. Right. The road. The road, correct. lives right the road the road correct uh and our guest today on episode number 95 is uh the second time that we've had a relative of one of the hosts it's dave's brother from seattle home of almost live um and uh an employee of the gigantic online company Amazon.com. Are you going to lose your job if they find out about this?

We'll see. Well, they find out about everything. Yeah, sure. They have my address on file, for crying out loud. They recommend things that I don't even want. Our guest today, Mr. Mark Schumke. Hi, everybody. Thanks for being on the show.

Thanks for having me. I'm very excited to be here. Happy New Year. You seem excited. Thank you. Super you super happy new year to you as well long time listener gung hay fat choy to our chinese friends you can say chinese to our vietnamese listeners oh very nice um shall we get to know us? Please Get to know us What is your connection to the Vietnamese culture? My wife is Vietnamese Wow

From Vietnam Tell me about it So do you spend some time over there with her family? Her family lives with me Oh, how everybody loves Raymond. It's great. It's super. How do you say holy crap in Vietnamese?

I think it's pretty much the same. So you would be the Robert then of this equation. Is Robert the tall guy? Yeah. Robert Pattinson? Yeah. It always comes back to Robert Pattinson, doesn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, all roads do seem to lead to robert pattinson at least on the dave schumacher maps um so uh let's get to know you what's what's going on you're up here for holiday time yep christmas with the with the vancouver family yeah you're one of your family brought my uh wife and. But not the parents. Not the in-laws. The in-laws had to stay in Seattle and keep the house. Okay. Because that's what they did. Did they choose not to come? They did choose not to come because they don't

like you. Specifically? Specifically you. But I'm only over at mom and dad's house for like a day. But they're like, they don't want to risk it. It's enough. No, I don't know why they didn't come. They don't speak English. You couldn't understand why they didn't want to come.

Because they weren't saying Happy New Year. For all I know. Now, what have you been doing since you've been in town? Gone to a lot of hockey games. Yep. We went to a second hockey game. We went to two hockey games together. So you guys went to the Blues.

Yep. And then who else? The Predators. The Predators. Can't wait till they play the aliens. Who won that game? We did. Oh, congratulations.

The home squadron. Home squadron. And have you got my present yet? I have got your present. I got part two of your present today. Was it a Predators jersey? It could be a Predators jersey. And part two was the autograph by goaltender Dan Ellis.

Yes, because he was in town. He was in town, standing on the street corner, offering autographs to anyone who would. Standing on his head. Is that what he does? Oh, well, that's what they say when a goalie is playing out of his mind. He's standing on his head. Is that what he does? Oh, well, that's what they say when a goalie is playing out of his mind. He's standing on his head. Wow.

Good jargon. Yeah. Although that wouldn't ever be good. No. It would be bad hockey. You know what? It would be good busking, though. Sure.

So if he was on a street corner standing on his head offering autographs, I think I'd throw him a loonie. Maybe even a toonie. I gave a guy a toonie last night. For what? Opening a door. Oh, he wasn't holding a knife to you, was he? No. Okay.

Give me at most two of your dollars. He held the door and you gave him a toonie? Yeah. Wow. Because I reached into my pocket and I grabbed the first coin I could grab. And I didn't want to have a handful of change and have to go through it and say, let's see, how good are you? Right? Yeah.

You know, maybe like maybe not. It'd be too heavy to carry around if you carried around a can of soup with you. Sure. But at this time of year, a can of soup is something you should carry around because it can usually get you into events at half price. Oh, that's true. Good call. I didn't even think about that. It could be like a low-rent Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

What happened in that? It was too con, man. With soup. Was there a soup? There was a soup scene in it. A lot of soup. Oh, right, right, right. So, Mark, be entertaining.

All right, here we go. One, two, three. No, I do. Mom gave me stuff to be entertaining with. Oh, here we go. Has she never listened to the show? She has listened to a few minutes of the show. You've talked about how you don't tell your family about stuff that you do.

You are the first of his family that I met, except for who is it? My brother-in-law. Brother-in-law I met. Oh, yeah. That doesn't count. That's not family. No. This is direct family.

Right. He barely gets the Christmas present. I don't tell my family when I perform. I didn't tell my family this show existed for a long time. Yeah, the only way I... I've been listening. I've listened to all the episodes. Big fan.

Big fan. Oh, yeah. I didn't need to tell my family that this existed because Mark sets Google alerts for me. I Google. I Google Dave mostly. Yeah, yeah. I Google Dave a lot. And so I found...

I don't not Google. I found the show around the sixth episode, I think. Episode six. Great one. That Google Dave a lot. I don't not Google him. I found the show around the 6th episode. That was a great one. That was a good one. So part of the reason I think you don't tell anyone is because they get all uppity about things.

I'm not wrong. No, of course you're not wrong. Are your parents Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince? Are they the most uppity on TV? I don't know. Who sprang to mind when I heard uppity? But no, wait.

Are your parents the parents of Greg from Dharma and Greg? They were whatever. Or possibly the Gilmore Girls parents slash grandparents. Yeah. Are they them? Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, they're rich.

It sounds like that was the common theme. So mom was like, I'm worried you won't have anything to talk about. And she was right. Yeah, I know. Clearly, it was right. The whole family is worried that I don't have anything to talk about. So this has been all the conversation and stuff? Pretty much, yeah.

And no one can come up with anything to talk about. So mom, I actually have a list that mom prepared. This is the greatest thing. conversation and stuff? Pretty much, yeah. And no one could come up with anything to talk about. So, Mom, I actually have a list that Mom prepared. This is the greatest thing. Things to talk about. Dave's very tense. Okay.

Am I? Yeah, it's radiating off of you. I think Mark is very tense. He was up all night barfing because he was nervous. This is the actual list of things that Mom suggested that I could talk about. All right. Here we go. This is the real list of things that mom suggested that i could talk about okay all right here we go okay this is the real list how many items are there uh about seven okay so

this should fill up yeah most of the show this is gonna be great this is comedy gold you can just okay the differences between america and canada okay oh no let's dive into that one. Don't just toss it out there and move on. Well, you are living in America. I am living in America, so I could speak to the differences. What's so different about it? They don't use the metric system there.

Oh, that's true. That's the only difference I've noticed. Everything else is pretty even-keeled. Yeah. Oh, fair enough. They shorten spellings of words. It's cheaper to ship stuff there. It is.

Yes, that's the other one. George Lopez is a celebrity there. Oh, right, right. Whereas here, he would not be a celebrity. No, no. Same with Carlos Mencia. Same with most Latin celebrities. I think Carlos Mencia, you would...

Rodriguez. Yeah, Paul Rodriguez. But Cheech Marin. Very big up here. Very big, yeah. Not as big as Chong. No, Chong was... What else? What else is different? Hector Macho Camacho.

The wrestler. Is that all? He's a boxer. Oh, he's a boxer. That's right. Hector Macho Camacho. There's something else that's different about Canada. Oh, they say pasta, and we say pasta. Do we say There's something else that's different about Canada Oh, they say Pasta And we say pasta Do we say pasta?

We try to What do they say? Pasta Oh Do they say pasta y'all? Yeah And they fire a gun in the air How many guns do you own?

When I moved there I was issued seven guns Seven guns? You were born there All revolvers? I was born there. That's true, yeah. Wait, wait.

Wasn't there a... There was an album that had something to do with this. Something about being born? No. No. You're thinking of something else. Oh, yeah. U.S. naturalization.

That's the one. And immigration. You were born in the Americas? I was born in the USA. i was and i'm so i have dual citizenship my my parents were shopping in america that's not true is this true no it's not they were living there they lived there for a couple years and i happened to get born yeah um so you have dual citizenship you have single citizenship yes they all have single citizenship but me. Yeah, dual citizenship is where it's at.

Yeah. Having dose citizenship and arrows, as the Mexicans would say. If they were here, but they're not. They're in our country. What's different about Canada and Mexico? Can we, no? A lot. Next.

All right, well, that was topic number one. Good. We've got a whole list of them. These are the greatest. To recap, topics my mother thought up for Mark to talk about on the podcast. If anyone's tuning in right now. Yeah. If you download the podcast, fast forward 10, 15 minutes.

Here we are. Welcome. And she did think these were just legitimate topics. Well, she doesn't listen to a lot of podcasts, to be fair. To be brutally fair. She does listen to stuff you should know. She's an avid stuff you should know. She loves TED Talks.

She does love her TED Talks. And she downloads the strong bad email. What about Ask a Ninja? She's past that now. She doesn't think that's good anymore. Second topic. Second topic. Here we go.

Seattle and how friendly it is. This is great. Is it friendly? Not especially. I don't know where that comes from. Is it more friendly than this? No, not particularly. Vancouver's not an especially friendly city.

No, but I think it's sort of that same kind of Northwest laid back, you know, I'll do what I want to do and I don't really care what you do. Are there cities where it's not like that, where people get in your face? The Midwest, apparently. The Midwest is very friendly. And the South. Or the South, as they say in America. But the mid of Canada is the same way. Like Alberta and Saskatchewan and Manitoba

are extremely friendly provinces as it goes. And then you get into Ontario, about the same friendliness level as Vancouver, maybe a little higher. And then Quebec, friendliness drops off, I think, rather sharply. Unless you can speak French. No, even if you speak French. Unless you are French.

Yeah, unless you are French. Correcto. And then you get back to the East Coast. Super friendly again. Next. Topic number three. I hate it. Oh, my goodness.

I love this. Children and how special they are. That's not really. Is it? I couldn't make these up. Next. Our next topic is, oh, how much I'm looking forward to the Olympics oh how much are you

I am looking quite forward to the Olympics we're going to come back for the Olympics repeat guest mom's going to need two months to come up with more topics are you do you have tickets I don't know do I have tickets I'm sort of counting on the have tickets? I think Dad has tickets.

I'm sort of counting on the family to have a whole pile of tickets that we can just pull from. I'm not hoping for that. You know? Well, I think I know what we have tickets to. And it should be fun to watch them curl. Yeah, I love curling. Another thing that's different between Canada and America. We love curling.

Oh, yeah. You know that there was like a site set up officially by VanOct so that people could sell. Vancouver Olympic Committee. Yes. And they set up this site so that people could officially trade their tickets. And people, right out of the gates, somebody posted, tickets for the gold medal hockey game behind the net. How much? $30,000.

$30,000. Reasonable. Yeah, behind the net. Remortgage the house. Better just get two. Yeah. Was it $30,000 for a set or $30,000 each? I think it was for two. Oh, well then. Fine. $15,000 a piece and not sending your kids to college?

And not guaranteed of seeing any country in the final? What if it was a country that you didn't even know had a hockey team? Yeah. Somehow squeaked through. Yeah. Uganda. If it was Sweden, then Uganda. In Mighty Ducks 2.

Electric Boogaloo. Electric something. Sorry, D2 Mighty Ducks. To be fair, it's D2 Mighty Ducks 2 Electric Boogaloo. Sorry, D2 Mighty Ducks. To be fair, it's D2 Mighty Ducks. They play against... Arnold Schwarzenegger? Iceland. I just realized that. Did D2 was

a play on T2 Terminator? Yeah, just this year. Just now. Oh, kudos. Thank you. They played against Iceland, who does not have a hockey team. Or any ice. It's pretty green there. Greenland's the one with all the ice. Fact.

And they were the strongest team in the tournament. Yeah, and they had matching outfits, whereas the Mighty Ducks, what? They had magazines taped to their face? By D2, I think they had the USA. They played for Team USA. They wore pie plates as masks. They had one guy who was a cowboy. Coconuts as helmets.

They weren't tropical. Stake knives for skates. One guy was a cowboy, and he lassoed another player on the ice, which is Ill Eagle. How many minutes in the box for lassoing? You were probably kicked out of the game, because where did you get the lasso? And he wasn't – they take off their helmets for no reason all the time in those movies. You can't do that. You're children.

My favorite conceit in those type of movies is the mishmash of costumes when the team's super poor. costumes when the team's super poor that that never to me the uh things that they come up with that are possible outfits never ceases to make me laugh children are so special if i could just write a series of sequences where you saw a bunch of like poor poor teams poor cobbled together teams yeah and uh all the crazy things they use for uniforms fine uh soccer what's their uniform oh wait soccer is what poor people play. Yeah. So just, they don't even need shoes for that. Bare feet, yeah. Yeah, okay. That's what's so funny about the hockey thing is they need

all this equipment, and the kids in it, some of them are wearing, like, old-timey equipment, right? They're wearing, like, the leather football helmet from the 30s. That's funny. And then, you know it's hilarious. Maybe a half watermelon. Wearing the wrestling helmet.

Wearing that thing that women, when they get a heat treatment at the salon. They put curlers in to protect their heads. Pretty good. Okay, wow. Next topic, Mark. Next topic on the good. Okay, wow. Next topic, Mark. Next topic on the list. Oh, my goodness. What was that topic?

That was how much I'm looking forward to the Olympics. Right. This one is reading with children. And how much my children love books. How much children? Wait, wait. You are a person of children. I am a person of children, yes.

Yeah. How many? I have two children. And what are the ages of these. I am a person of children, yes. Yeah. How many? I have two children. And what are the ages of these? That Dave knows of. My children are two and a half and one. Oh, okay. So they're at the...

They're fun ages. Yeah. Is this Amy? Did Amy... I wasn't here at Christmas last year. Amy, your largest child. Yes. She's enormous, by the way.

Did she know about Christmas last year? Did she know it was Christmas time at all? Did she get to know about it? Was she getting excited for it and stuff? Yeah, not like this year. But this year she's egg-cited? She's super excited. She's got eczema? Yeah. We can use that whole Santa Claus to get her to do stuff.

Right. You mean the Santa Claus from the movie? Yeah, the Claus. The specific Claus. We'll read her the legal document. That's why you can get her to do stuff. When I was a kid, you guys would, A, mess with your mind. Threaten to get me to... When you say you guys, you mean your brother and your elder sister. Yeah.

Sisters. Two sisters. Oh, two sisters. Yes. I can't wait to have them on the podcast. That I elder sister. Yeah. Sisters. Two sisters. Oh, two sisters. Yes. I can't wait to have them on the podcast. That I know of. Yeah. You would threaten, well, you wouldn't threaten,

mom and dad would threaten to get me, if I misbehaved, I'd have to go live with Mildred Kaufman. Yes. Whoa, whoa, who's Mildred Kaufman? She was the woman next door. Okay. Who was married to Krampus? And the other thing was

you would just pick up the phone and start phoning Santa. Yeah, we do that. I think it's in the playbook. The parents playbook. Did your parents ever call Santa? No. Well, they didn't have his number. Your parents

obviously ran in different circles than my parents. Yeah, they got the number from the Gilmore Girls. No, wait, your parents would pick up a phone and pretend they were talking? They would be like, H-O-H-O, H-O-H-O. You have to dial it eight times or else it doesn't go through. Well, I was a kid. I didn't know how many times you had to push a button. Also, this was a rotary phone, I'm sure, as well. By the time we got a touch tone, I probably didn't

believe in Santa. Nice. Fair enough. Because you were born in the 30s. Yeah. We didn't have a touch tone as a family. We didn't have a microwave either. I didn't have a microwave until I was like 30. Isn't that fascinating? Man, oh man.

So lots of reheats. Not lots of reheats for you. Yeah. Oldies. Stove-style reheats. Yeah. No, it feels like we grew up in primitive times. Yeah, we didn't have no Nintendo.

Well, you did. Wait a minute. Why? I had nothing. During the Great Depression, did you guys offer soup to the traveling hobos? No, because they had carved in stuff to say that we didn't have a Nintendo. They had carved in a little no microwave

sign. So no hobos stopped at your place? Yeah, no swearing allowed. Yeah, you guys have a history of violence because of your no swearing policy. Swearing hobos, yeah. You're your no swearing policy. It's more swearing hobos. You're not a swearing family. It's actually just me.

So you don't swear. Which is weird. I mean, I don't make a habit of it. No, but Dave and I can curse it up like the best of sailors. I'm not afraid to take Dave to my favorite sailor bar.

The Gorton's Fisherman. Yeah. The guy in the Neutrogena ad. Something, something. Worf. Worf from Star Trek. Yeah, but you don't swear. No, I don't.

Is that just a personal preference? But as a child, you enforced the no swearing. Yeah, because you had the S word for, what was it? S word for poo or something? S word for poo instead of, and whatever you think it might be. Shamwow. The F word for dirts, which is complicated. F word for dirts?

Well, because there's the F word. Everyone knows the F word. The real F word. The best F word. And then, but. Which is the F word. The real F word. Yeah. The best F word. And then, but... Which is the F word for intercourse? Yeah. Yeah.

F word for I word for love me. And we had the... Oh, that's really good. So, but yeah, I think I've said this on the show before, that we didn't say dirts. We said dirts. You said the D't say dirts. We said dirts. You said the D word for dirts. To refer to the dirty noise.

Oh, so dirts was short for dirty. It was short for dirty noise. Oh, okay. Which was a fart. People are going to be confused about this. Oh, so fart, F word for dirts is a fart. It was a fart. People are going to be confused about this. Oh, so fart, F word for dirt is a fart.

Yeah. Oh, I was confused. I thought F word, I thought it was the other, the classic, F word classic. Yeah, no. The best of the F words. It's really confusing. The classification system? The etymology.

Yeah. Where the word came from. Is it entomology? Why do you hate swearing? classification system the etymology so the word came from what entomology why did you why why do you hate swear i think i got my mouth washed out with soap i don't i can't imagine what i would have said but f you mom probably and she just took that bar of soap and bar yeah yeah she didn't do like a hand pump's worth of uh like hand soap and then drop it in your mouth. I've heard of the liquid soap being done. I guess so, eh? Dish soap?

Yeah, dish soap would be effective. Yeah, did you have to chew on the... Yeah, pretty much. Oh, that would be fun. So that's all I can... I mean, I don't remember what I did to deserve that. What have I? What have I?

What have I done to deserve it? Right. It was probably too much pet shop boys in the house i was and they're dirty british miles boys and western girls so uh this this particular thing fascinates me because i love you i have a lifelong love of swear yeah um and so so was it just is it is it a deep-rooted like yeah it's almost like an unconscious like i can't say yeah it's like i just so weird i just can't say i just can't bring myself to i don't like what about if you get like what about it like an angry or like if you nearly

hit like if i break my leg or something, something might slip out. Wow. But you know the words. I am familiar with the words. I've read them. But is it like Ned Flynn? He will go like diddly-ging-gong? No, I don't come up with sound-a-likes or anything. And what about your wife? Same thing?

There's just no swearing? She's Vietnamese. She's Vietnamese. Her English isn't her first language. Can she swear in Vietnamese and it won't bother you? That's the first thing you learn in other languages. So what about a swear in another language that you know

it's a swear, like a tabernacle? Would that... Is that... Canula. I think I'm okay. I think I'm okay with other languages. So like a mer languages. Yeah. So like a merled. Merled.

Yeah, I can do it. Yeah, you totally did it. But you wouldn't out of anger. No, I would out of love. Yeah, sure. Or when you go on stage with your ballet troupe instead of break a leg. Next topic. Next topic.

These topics are great. Thank you to Dave and Mark's mom. This is Sean. What's next? Oh, this one is good. Hockey. And specifically, is Seattle going to buy a hockey team? And should dad and I be a part of that?

I don't think mom and dad are as rich as mom thinks they are. Like, do they mean a part of it by season's tickets? No, I think actually being part of the consortium that purchases the team. I think mom and dad think hockey teams cost thousands of dollars. Seattle probably I don't think has the fan base to support a team Do you think they do? Yeah, but neither does Nashville Yeah, but Nashville has

If you get listeners at home Can't hear what I'm doing I'm doing the money Kind of fiddle sign Yeah, the world's smallest fiddle Yeah, except that I'm doing it faster So you know it's money No, this is fiddle

The world's smallest fiddle Is when you push your middle fingeriddle. Yeah, except that I'm doing it faster, so you know it's money. No, this is fiddle. World's Smallest Fiddle is when you push your middle finger towards. Is it because it's Music City? Yeah, yeah. At the old, at the Grand Ole. Oh, so the World's Smallest Fiddle. Yeah, by fiddle. No, that's why they got all the money. It's music money.

Everyone goes to see the tiny fiddle. The tiny fiddle player. The miniature museum. Jethro, the tiny fiddle player. Yeah, you've listened to country music. It's just the it's just a freak show yeah you've got a bearded lady they've got a tiny fiddle player yeah it's great they've got a carry underwood yeah um they've got a guy who plays a washboard on his abs yeah

washboard still um taylor lautner the answer to both of those questions is yes, they should have a team, and yes, you should get involved. Yeah. On like a grassroots level. They should be called the Seattle Grassroots. That should be the name of the team. The Wheatgrass. Next, we're going to move on. Yeah, let's do one more topic.

That's fine. Unfortunately. This one. We have lives, too. This one was a little. Unlike you. Yeah, this was a little. a little yeah no mom has a life apparently um this one i think she meant tiger woods which we could talk about but she said tiger williams tiger williams is a famous hockey bruiser that famous that famous. I mean, I guess. And commentator for many, many years.

Oh, was he? Yeah. For CBC. So should we talk about Tiger Williams? Yeah, sure. What's he been up to? I don't know. Why don't more players ride their sticks when they score goals?

He rode a stick like a horse. I met Tiger Williams at a fundraiser that I was doing comedy on, and he was signing autographs and stuff. And he's like a real character. He's like an old dude. Tiger is not his birth name. No. Unlike Tiger Woods.

No, but he is part tiger. A lot of people don't know that. Tiberian, right? Yeah. Sabertooth. He's an old man now. He's been retired for quite a few years. And he was a hockey commentator.

Because he has the CBC commentator's jacket. The baby blue? Yeah, the baby blue. And he was wearing it at this event, and everybody got their picture taken with him, which was great. And he was very – he wanted to shake everybody's hand. He wanted to meet them. And his handshake was not unlike having your hand pressed in a door it was so f f word for fantastic um fabulous yeah it was so powerful when he when and i shook hands with him

he's an old man i expect i think he's an old man he's in his 50s or 60s. He's not a guy who should have a grip this strong. Like, he has a grip that would be able to snap, you know, your bones or your bones, certainly my bones, into pieces. And it hurt, like, for the rest of the evening after that handshake. So, Tiger Williams, I know he's a big listener of the show. If you're listening, thanks for the sore hand. Okay. Now, Mom also gave you some

einstein quotes yes i've also she was very concerned that i wouldn't have anything to talk about so she well she was right because we ended up using all of this yeah no hey thanks mom this is fantastic collected quotes from albert einstein he was known as primarily a jokesmith. Yeah, and if the one's on there about knowing when to hold him and when to fold him, I already know that. Does he have one about perspiration and inspiration? Does he have one about how he learned to stop worrying and love the bomb? Yeah. It's three pages.

I'll just throw some out there intermittently. No's three pages. I'll just... Just do the first two. Just throw some out there intermittently. No, don't. Does she think you do a science podcast? She doesn't really seem to... Well, know what entertainment is. Does she think you're a scientist? I guess would be the second question.

Have you told your mom that you are a scientist? Does it count if I grow hydroponic weed? I don't. Do you wear a lab coat whenever you go over to convince them of you're a scientist? Why does she think that this would be a thing? I don't know why she thinks. The other questions were great. This I'm a little thrown by.

This is more something she would... She doesn't even email us stuff like this, but maybe something her friend who figured out email would email to her. Okay. Well, I would like to hear an Albert Einstein book. And I have been specifically instructed to return this to her. Okay. She needs the printout back.

For her vision board. She can't just print it out again. Is that for the secret? Yeah. Okay. For her mood board. The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. You can't just print it out again. Is that for the secret? Yeah. Okay. The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. There we go.

Okay. Thank you, Albert Einstein. I understand it. Yeah, it's easy. You are a scientist. They tax your money so they can pay for stuff for everyone. Infrastructure and such. Makes sense to me. Something we can all enjoy.

Hey, you know what I'm thinking about Albert Einstein? Kind of a dummy. Yeah. I heard he failed math. Yeah. I also heard that he never owned a comb and couldn't tie his shoelaces. I'm pretty sure all those things are lies. You know when people say that to justify their own level of incompetence?

The fact that they failed math? Or just that they suck and they're like, well, Albert Einstein wore the same sweater every day. Well, but he was also fantastic and you just smell bad because you can't buy another sweater. Well, you could. When you come up with three pages of your own quotes, we'll talk. Yeah, and then they do, but they're all Albert Einstein quotes.

They're based on Albert Einstein quotes. And then the last two are by – Hey, I don't get income tax. What up with that? Yeah, and then the last two are by Ludacris. Black people pay income tax like this. White people. Dave, what's going on with you?

Oh, geez, man. You know? What, are you exhausted? It's like a family reunion. Yeah. I haven't done... It's the 23rd of December. Yeah, Happy New Year.

Yeah. This is going to seem like ancient history to the listener, but tomorrow morning I have to buy Christmas gifts. Oh, well. I'm going to beat the rush by going before morning. Before morning. You mean the band Rush. Yeah. Okay.

Geddy Lee likes to shop around 1 in the afternoon. And you're buying all small granny spectacles for everyone you know. So you've got to beat. I've got to beat him because that's what he's buying for himself. The Scrooge. It's all he thinks about is himself. Ebenezer Geddy Lee. Okay.

So that's basically it. The rush is on. Jingle all the way style. Now that it's the new year, you can tell me what you got me for Christmas. Oh, and you can tell me how much you enjoyed it. Okay. First you say it, and then I'll say I enjoyed it. I'm pretty sure you know, don't you?

I probably know. Is it Amazon.com gift certificate? It has been in the past. In the past the past yeah it's quite often been stuff you've gotten for free at your various jobs swag yes swag nice do you get a i imagine you do get a lot of swag a lot of books yeah yeah totally we sell books yeah well no amazon has gone far beyond the book market that's true believe you but you don't get many free anything else's. No, I don't get a lot of... They don't give you free

Kindles? Flat screen TVs. Oh, okay. No. Stinkeroo. No, no. Free Kindles. No free Kindles. But Dave might be, you know, for Christmas. A free Kindle? Well, I'm not going to make you pay for your gift. Maybe we can free Kindle? Well, I'm not going to make you pay for your gift. Maybe we can free Kindle our relationship.

Yes! It's not going to get any better than that. Is it? That was horrible. Graham, I understand. You are... Your hands are clenched in fists of rage. Yes.

I'm an angry, angry man. And here's why. I... Okay. This is kind of two-pronged. Okay. Because, um... Like the Schleifen plan. No.

I, um... World War I, it's okay to joke about. We're past it. It's 2000 and something. I, oh, ooh, ooh. Any resolution? Well, I just wanted to say, remember like a few podcasts ago, you were worried that 2010 wouldn't come up with a pair of glasses that people could wear?

Right. I saw them online today, what they are. Oh, okay. It's a two is on the outside right. Uh-huh. And then the first zero is the one eye. Uh-huh. And then the one is like, it's quite blocky.

So that's the second eye, and then there's another zero on the outside. Oh, the zero. Oh, okay, the zero. Yeah. The one eye, wow. Yeah, the one is the eye, which is a surprising twist, right? Well, they're doing amazing things with glasses these days. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just wanted to share, because I knew you were worried. I was. I'm going to get some Forgetty Lee. But here's – I go fairly regularly, at least once a week, to Whole Foods. Right. And at the Whole Foods in Vancouver, I don't know if it's a chain-wide policy. I think it might be where people will write comments on these little sheets of paper and whoever the management will read them and respond to them and then post them on this cork board and you can read them.

And I hate every person who's ever written one of the things because it's all the smallest, pettiest. All the small things, as Blink-182 would say. A lot of them are signed Travis Bickle. Barker. Thank you. Taxi driver. That's what I meant.

Yeah. Most of them say you're looking at me. Yeah, so the whole board is just people, you know, why can't you get frozen zucchini? Why, you know, organic icing? All this stuff that's just like... Why don't you go f yourself yeah like you live in a wonderful society where there's food falling off the shelves and there's just more food we throw out most of it and you're just like oh why can't i get a p snap it's why

why don't you make blue pea snaps because i like blue green doesn't go with my apartment all this stuff like some of the craziest does sound ridiculousalted, can you get unsalted pretzels? That was one of them from like a year. Really? Why get pretzels then? You obviously hate them because salt is one of the main components. Sure. Anyways, today I'm a vegetarian.

I've been a vegetarian for a couple of years. And I try not to be in your face about it Oh I barely knew it I'm not one of those jerks But I go I buy this breakfast burrito there From time to time Gross

And it has the ingredients listed on the back And it's just supposed to be like Potato, egg, cheese, spices, whatever And I bought it yesterday Because I was like, I got to do the podcast, get home from work, have the burrito,

go do the podcast. Get home from work, cook it up, cut it in half. Half of the thing is bacon. Oh. So this is the third time this has happened to me

from Whole Foods. And I don't want to be one of those people that writes on the cards and puts them on the corkboard, but I don't know what do I have left. That's the only way they'll learn. Is that what I have to do?

Do I have to go in and be the thing I hate to fight the thing I hate? Yeah, like Rage Against the Machine. Yeah, I gotta rage against, but by being a part of the machine? Yeah, you gotta take down the system from the inside. I really hate this situation they place me in. What you need to do is get a job at Whole Foods, then start slacking off,

then get fired. Can I just take the burrito and throw it at Whole Foods? Not at one of the employees, because that would be... What if I taped it to one of the doors? Like if I taped it and wrote my note that way. Why don't you put it on the board? The cork board.

Put the actual burrito on the cork board. Yeah, there's bacon in this. Just highlight the ingredients. Circle the ingredients. Oh, I like that. That's very... Adbusters. Yeah, it's that. That's very AdBusters. Yeah, it's very Martin Luther.

AdBusters lives. Martin Luther put the 95 burritos up on his shirt. But what do you... Am I being overly... A lot of vegetarians are very sensitive about how much bacon they eat. Next prong. Those were the two prongs. What was the first?

That I hate the people who put the things in the corkboard and that now I'm reduced to corkboard. No, I love bacon. I just don't want to eat it anymore. That's weird. I'm a weird guy. I think of weird stuff. That's why you're so I'm not. I don't know. I'm a weird guy. Yeah. I think of weird stuff. Yeah. That's why you're such a good, so relatable.

You're a comedian. You have to talk about these things. Yeah, right? I have to. You know, because then I have to say it. I don't know. What other device advice do you want? You seem like a level-headed gentleman.

Thank you very much. What do you think I should do? Because I'm... I can't return it because I already cooked the thing. You can return anything. Yeah, and I might, but here's the thing. I'm going to get down there and there's going to be

some kid who's going through school or whatever and I'm not going to want to get mad at them because it's not their fault, whoever it is that happens to be in Returns. So I'm not going to get any satisfaction from that. Why don't you buy a whole bunch of them and get at one of those t-shirt cannons? Yeah.

And just shoot them through the window or something? That's a really good idea. Because me throwing them is not going to happen. And put on like a mascot uniform. Yeah. Walking down the aisles just shooting. Yeah, just shooting people in the face. The pig. Yeah.

Oh, smart. Clearly the pig. Smart. El Gordo. The fat. Anyway, so that was my thing. I was super angry. Oh, wow.

But I still am. I haven't eaten since lunch. Oh, you're the Scrooge-iest. Did you mean Scrooge-iest? Scrooge-iest. Well, it's pre-Christmas and you're in a bad mood. That's what we call you. Yeah. If you start stealing stuff, you're a Grinch. I'm starting to see the Scrooge's point in all of this. You know what I mean? When you're a kid, you're raised to believe that Scrooge is a crank and he's bad. Yeah. But then as you get older, you're like, this is how I naturally feel. And going against it feels like I'm a closeted gay.

You know what I mean? I feel naturally inside that I'm a Scrooge. Right. And every year I have to hide that fact. Yeah. Everybody's like, come on, jolly it up. Whereas a closeted gay would would hide their limp wrist you have to hide your your your evil fingers say anything about a limp wrist

a uh a closeted gay would be referred to their their lover as a beard wait no they wouldn't whereas scrooge would i'm trying to come up with some great material. Halfway there. I need the other half. The Scrooge half. We should call Mom. We should call Mom. Okay, let's go to Overheard.

Overheard. Overheard. Probably the most consistent and ongoing of our segments Yeah, probably By probably Definitely Unless you can't get to know us as a segment Yeah, which I do Alright, well then that's definitely

Totally Overheards, things that you overheard in your daily life Your weekly life, your monthly life Wherever you go. Perhaps you're at the doctor's office. Perhaps you're at the mechanics. I find those two things are pretty similar. Isn't that right?

And we like to always start with the guest. Mark, if you would, an overheard that, I should say, Dave has written down for you and kept on file. Because we were at the hockey game last night. Hockey game. Yes, this is from the... Hockey game.

Those are the lyrics to that song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to tell this, Mark? Oh, sure. Do you want to set the scene? Yeah, we were at the hockey game last night. And we were hunting for overheards. Yeah, and fortunately there were these two girls who got over-served.

Lovely ladies who got too much to drink. Got S-word faced drunk. Yeah, S-word for poo-faced. S-word for poo-faced. Yeah, what other S-words would there be? It doesn't matter, does it? Oh, no, there'd be a couple. Well, it depends on your threshold of swearing.

It's low. Right? So, like, skank. Does that fall in the... That's a fairly new word. What about slut? Oh, I like that word. Yeah?

Slut? Okay. Skank is the S word for slut. To me, this feels a bit like swearing therapy. Swearing therapy. I'm like, slut. And he's like, no, I like that. So I'm like, okay, let's build on slut.

One step at a time. Baby steps. Yeah, exactly. I'm pretty sure I could come up with a lot of S words that are foul. I mean, this is nor the time nor place. No. Nor the Nora Jones. We're interrupting his.

Fortunately, we've established that they were S-word for poo face. Right. And they were S-word for sluts. And Ska-word for skanks. Not to mention... Ska-word for reggae. So they... And they were really into the game. They considered themselves big fans.

Yeah. Knew all the hockey jargon. Standing on their heads. So this was i guess this is a hockey term blue line so they they shouted out at one one of them shouted out you need to be aggressive you need to bite them in the balls right now is that a term no i don't but i've never does you can i say balls you were tempted to say B word for testicles I was tempted to say B word for testicles But you said balls

I feel like you're loosening up I was quoting Oh, so what if you had to quote something from a movie? Then is that a gray area? For a school project Some sort of school project What if you had to summarize something for Amazon.com? If my job depended on it and I had to swear.

Yes, interesting. Or a grade. Or if a grade depended on it. Yes, say a grade depended on it. Then I probably would swear. Yes, you would tear down anyone for an A. That's right. Oh, really?

Were you a... Oh, I was a grade-grubbing son of a gun. He was a good student. Wow. Very studious, this student. Very studious. Before mom and dad stopped caring. Child rearing. They put everything into me.

And then it was just like let's just roll these dice. Let's see what happens. Let's see how long Dave can stand by the microwave. The new microwave. What was your record? Like four burnt bags of popcorn. Get your

B word for testicles up there close to the microwave. We want some freak grandkids. Well, as luck would have it... F word for odd, I think. F word for odd. Instead of freak. Sorry, I thought you meant effed up.

Go on. Go on. Go on. Carry on. I have two overheards, sort of. This one, I think you'll just enjoy it because you're such a big Yakov Smirnov fan. This is Mark, your dog. Yes, of course. Both of you.

I have a poster. Do you? Do you really? No, but wouldn't that be cool? Well, you work at Amazon. I assume you can get your hands on anything. Yeah, from his book. From his latest...

He's a relationship therapist. His latest tape that came out. Still putting out tapes. I had his book. Yeah? Yeah, Yakov Smirnov's book. I forget what it was, but I just remember going to the middle

where he had all the pictures. Yeah. And there was one of him eating a hot dog and the caption said, in Russia we don't eat this part of the dog. Oh. That was when his act was kind of about coming to America and how it was

different. The funny thing... His mom probably said, how are America and Russia different? Look where it got him. I gave Charlie Demers, Pette charlie demers uh a gift and one of the elements of the gift was a yakov smirnoff ehs and it was recorded in the late 90s and it was he was still wearing the russian hat

and there was a picture on the back of him escaping through a russian like barbed wire fence and i was like well that i never got told well it was taped at his theater in branson missouri right where it's very cold and the name of the album was i bet you never looked at it that way but it said like famous russian comedian and then the quotes on the front somewhere from newsweek one was from people that said russian comedian I think that was the quote. He's the Russian comedian. Yeah.

Okay. Well, this one, this is just The Gap. I heard an ad online for The Gap is having some kind of promotion. What's with those kids? Have you seen those commercials? They're sassy. They are sassy. The moose.

Talk to the moose. No thanks. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to buy clothes that fit me, not little girls. Yeah. Check out these boots. There was an ad for The Gap, and it was something involving you give them your email address, and they tell you when they have sales.

And they say it was something about the bargains hunt you. In Soviet Russia, bargains hunt you. In Soviet Russia, bargains hunt you. So that barely counts. I just thought you'd enjoy that. I did. And I don't understand the appeal of those Gap commercials. Is it that you want to have a sassy kid? Yeah.

Or that it's fun to have a sassy kid? Because if so, I blame Full House for that development of that thing. Well, precociousness existed before Full House. Name one instance. Well, there was the case of Cut It Out. I couldn't think of any of the show. You can't think of any show. Yeah.

How rude. How rude. Did they not have precocious girls before Full House? You're older than me. Yeah, well, we didn't have a television growing up. Oh, I did. I didn't. I had four TVs in my room.

No, that's not true. You had a microwave. Come on. My parents had to put a lock on our TV because that's all I did was watch TV. Yeah. Oh, I thought that was for me. No, this was way back. Oh, wow.

Before you even knew how to. We're bringing you guys together. Yeah. Oh, okay. So many men. Fine. Okay, this is the real deal overhe, wow. Before you even knew how to. We're bringing you guys together. Yeah. Oh, okay. So many men. Fine. Okay, this is the real deal overheard. Suck it to us.

It's actually an overseen, and it comes from that very wall at Whole Foods. Oh, I hate it. Oh, no, though. With the board, with all the suggestions. The board. Suggestions. They had, all the suggestions are stuck on with pushpins. And there were way too many suggestions

and not enough pushpins. So there was one part of it that had like ten suggestions all stuck together with one pushpin. And the suggestion on the top? More pushpins. Well played. Well played.

Well played, entitled jerk. Yeah, the worst. It's the worst. My overheard comes courtesy of London Drugs, I think it was I was in. I was in the card section, and there was

two, these guys could be classified under, they were real dudes like they were a real couple of dudes like you and i yeah except that like one guy looked like shaggy from scooby-doo scooby-dude so he was a scooby-dude and then another guy who's kind of like a like a dumpy uh like they were both wearing shirts that obviously you would only wear during laundry day, but they were wearing them out of the house. Right. They were doing some shopping.

They were wearing them three or four days in a row. Yeah. And they were in the card section. They were picking up a gift for somebody. And one guy picked up a card, and he was uh he was like oh okay this is perfect man this is perfect because i'll scratch this out and i'll say not and i was like i gotta follow these guys and see see what the what is the joke they're trying to affect and uh so i followed them around right up to the cash register and watch when they put the card down. And the card just – all the card said was like happy 30th birthday.

So he was going to write not underneath. And the gift that this person was receiving was season one DVD of The Big Bang Theory. The CBS smash hit The Big Bang Theory. It is a comedy? That's a comedy show? Have you not heard of it? I have not watched it. It is the worst show on television. You'd like it. It's about comedy. That's a comedy show. Have you not heard of it? It is the worst show on television.

You'd like it. It's about scientists. Oh, is it? Yeah. Do you like that show? Oh, my lovely wife. Oh, okay. I don't want to disparage it overly.

I don't want to create a divide. Oh, I do like bad things. Yeah, you like bad things. It's the worst. I will go out on a limb and say it's the worst sitcom on TV. Your favorite song of all time is that song, I Love You Always Forever by Donna Lewis.

Yes, I love that song. That is a great, great song. Was that your wedding song? No, your wedding song was some Vietnamese. Yeah, I don't even know what my wedding song was. It was karaoke. Was your wedding a blend of cultures? No, it was only one culture.

Was it exclusively Vietnamese? It was her culture. We had three weddings. Really? We had a Vietnamese wedding. Yeah. We had a Canadian wedding. Lots of bacon.

Right? Stubbies. Bacon burritos. And a monsoon wedding. No, we had a drive-thru, lunchtime, justice of the peace, official wedding. Legal wedding. No, we had a drive-thru, lunchtime, justice of the peace, official wedding. Legal wedding. So the other ones weren't even legal? They were just for show?

They were just for show. Dave, how many weddings are you going to have? I've already had four or five. How were they? Why wasn't I invited to any of them? Well, this was before you. So your next wedding I'm invited to. That's going to be great.

I've got to get three of them annulled before the next one. Oh, these are all different. You have hoes in different area codes? Yeah. I've got bros before hoes. Do we have any listener overheards? We do. Let me just run over to the computer here.

Say you love, love me forever, never stop Why is that song? Here and far and always and everywhere and everything. You did love that song. I don't recall. You had the album. Oh, I did have the album. I had a lot of bad albums. You had that album?

I sure did. She had an album? Now in a Minute, I believe it was called. Is that one of the lyrics from that song? I sure did. She had an album? Now in a Minute, I believe it was called. Is that one of the lyrics from that song? It could be. Was that the name of that song? Maybe one of the other songs. Yeah, could be.

The follow-up hit. But why did you pick that one of all the horrible music I've heard? What else would you have? I don't know. Amy Grant? I like to drive like Mario and Jack and Steve. I like to take a month off. What song is that?

That's Amy Grant, Good to Me. Baby, baby. Is it that one? It's the same. Good for Me. Good for Me. Is it the same album? Yes.

Something, something, motion. Was it her crossover hit from? To love you with the sweetest of devotion. Stop for a minute. Baby, I'm so glad you're mine. Well, that's great.

Ever since the day you put my heart in motion. Baby, I'm in love with you. Just know getting over you Guitar solo. How come we sampled that for hip-hop? Was this her crossover hit from Christian Rock?

No, that was pre-Christian Rock, wasn't it? No, no, no. She was a big-time, long-time Christian entertainer. Defeating the grave. Oh, yikes. But then she resurrected. Is that how it works? That's...

All right. Yikes. But then she resurrected. Is that how it works? That's... All right. This lady has said, she said, if I am lucky enough to be read on the cast,

please don't read my name because I think my dad might listen and I don't come off well in this story. All right. Which is great. We encourage father-daughter listening. There can't be too many of them though, can there? No

Don't discount it This is a family show As long as you like swearing Certainly this episode This would be who I'd Send Disney execs To listen to Your Eisners

Or Insomniacs Yeah Swearing does stir up the blood to listen to. Your Eisners. Your other guy. Or Insomniacs. Yeah. Swearing does stir up the blood. I thought you might enjoy the story of how I started a chain reaction at the aquarium that nearly led to a fist fight

between a five-year-old and an old man. We would. Yes. My five-year-old brother pointed out a fish in one display and said,

Nemo. I explained to him that not all clownfish are named Nemo, so they are called clownfish in general. A grandfather walked up with his three-year-old grandson, who also pointed to the fish and shouted, Nemo. The grandfather said, that's right, it's a Nemo fish. That's right, it's a Nemo fish. My brother quickly responded, Actually, that's called a clownfish. The grandfather switched from his expression of pride in his grandson to one of pure hatred for my brother in a nanosecond. He snapped in a haughty voice, Actually, it's an amphirian aladri. My brother, totally plussed, said,

You read that off the sign. The grandfather replied, At least I can read. At that point, I decided to back my brother in the fight and sort of shout, Read his shirt! I had to sort of shout because I'd taken a few steps away so that the crazy man wouldn't turn on me.

This was quite a fight. You never see this kind of thing at the aquarium. My brother clearly read the words, World's best grandpa off the old dude's sweatshirt. Then I grabbed my brother and headed for the next exhibit. Do you think that's a true story? I don't think it's actually an overheard. No, it's actually, it was like a story of a fight.

Yeah. If your dad listens, he knows it was you. Yeah, and also it was from Baltimore, Maryland. This isn't a local aquarium story. Right, okay. This is a far-off... Charm City Aquarium. So what was Charm City?

Is that what Baltimore is known as? Congratulations. Is that an ironic name? And she said he was plussed. I've only heard of people being non-plussed. Oh, yeah, but you know, there has to be a positive variety. What's the opposite of non-plussed? Oh, uh... Plushed. there has to be a positive variety. What's the opposite of nonplussed? Oh, uh, plushed.

Non-minus. Plush. So if you would like to write in with an overheard... Yeah, you can write to us at stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. Or you can call in at 206-339-8328 like this person did. Hey, guys, it's Nate calling from Na, Florida, with an overseen for you. I was just in the grocery store, and you know those, like, Simpsons shirts and stuff?

It's not official merchandise, but people will just, like, use the characters, and it'll be, like, the name of the town or whatever, the cheap souvenirs that use the cartoon characters. I just saw a Stewie Griffin one, the first one I've seen of him, and he was on a big pile of money with a gold chain and a Yankees hat on,

and it said, Make It Rain. And the guy was checking out in the aisle next to me, and the person who was checking him out said, Hey, that's a cool shirt. And the guy looked really embarrassed, and he said, Yeah, my's a cool shirt. And the guy looked really embarrassed. And he said, yeah, my mom bought it for me. Make it rain.

I think my favorite variety of that style of T-shirt was when the Looney Tunes were trying to go street. Right, sure. Your Tasmanian, Bugs Bunny, maybe was wearing a gold chain a la Run DMC. I never bought the fake Looney Tunes stuff. I would just buy the $200 leather-sleeved athletics jacket. When you see somebody wearing one of those, do you think that it's somebody who's held on to that from that era

or somebody that went to the Salvation Army and just picked one up for a buck? Yeah, someone. Tough to say. Well, because they have to be sold. At some point. Primarily before they become secondhand. That's true. So you're saying it could be either or.

Yeah. It just depends if the person's down on their luck or poor. Seems like in that generation, Marvin the Martian really came into his own. Yeah, sure. In terms of merchandising. And wasn't Tweety, didn't Tweety get kind of a sinister? Yeah. Like, I'm a bad widow bode.

But, like, is that when you know as an art form that you've – that it was time to move on? Because, like, right now, the hip kids, there's no cartoon – like, there's no Bugs Bunny wearing tight pants. No. Well, no baggy pants. Well, is it baggy pants? Kids are wearing tight pants. Oh, oh. You know what I mean?

Bugs Bunny for today's kids. Yeah. Bugs Bunny dresses the Kings of Leon. Yeah. Like once you see that Tasmanian Devils let his hair grow out. Yeah. And he has an ironic mustache. Yeah, exactly.

Then you know that it's time to move on to a new thing. Sure. So when is that? I guess Stewie Griffin maybe. Yeah, I guess that he's our and it's a hip-hop lifestyle for stewie apparently yeah he's picked a hip but what cartoon would pick the hipster lifestyle where they would say i'm out the jetsons that's who that's the answer to that question we'll use it good we're in a george jetson shirt. And he is, I don't know,

what would he be wearing? Dressed like an American Apparel commercial, but it's George Jetson in the clothes. Or Judy Jetson wearing, like, LeMay leggings and no top. Then you know it's over. Yeah. Time to move on.

Whew. Oh, Lord. We got through it. So we're going to move on to something. A few weeks ago now, maybe three or four weeks ago, we were talking about childhood injuries. Want to play the theme song?

Oh, I would love to. Let's see the pavement. I wasn't funny then, but it's funny now. Childhood injuries. That theme song performed by past guest Paul Anthony and hopefully future, Steve Bays of Hot Head Heat. This segment came about, he was just talking about childhood injuries where you had to get some stitches. Not

horrific injuries. Yeah, fun injuries. Yeah, good time you remember them in there. You've told a couple. I've told a couple, but before the show, Mark thought that I had left some out. Well, what about the one, the time when you were in the bathtub and you turned off the okay the cold water yeah and did you scald yourself scalded yourself but i don't remember this so this is i don't i don't know why our parents left you in the bathtub with

the water running well they're probably checking out this i wasn't in the bathtub was i probably i just put my feet in you were standing in the bath oh really standing in the bathtub, was I? I just put my feet in. You were standing in the bathtub. Oh, really? Standing in the bathtub. No memory. Turned off the cold water, scalded your feet up to the point where it was blisters all over your feet

and you were writhing around in pain. I know that my catchphrase from that was that I burned my piggies. He burned his piggies. How do you know that? Well, that's been repeated to me many times. Oh, you burned your piggies. Yeah, and we've got shirts with Stewie Griffin.

Burning his piggies. I burned my piggies. Do you have any childhood injuries? No, I can't think of any. Nothing happened to me. I can think of one thing that was probably emotionally scarring for you. Oh, this sounds great. When the pervert phoned our house.

Oh. Whoa. Tell this story, please. how old were you oh dear my obscene phone call yeah um maybe this is why i don't swear this really is a rich tapestry it's all coming together um i guess i was about seven okay probably about seven and a big thank you goes out to mom and dad for facilitating this yeah as you'll you'll see. I was up at the local ball field playing soccer or something. Mom comes like tearing up in the car with the window rolled out. Mark, Mark, there's someone called to say you can win a prize on the radio.

They have trivia questions. And they were waiting on the phone. They're going to call back in 10 minutes. Oh, phone. They're going to call back in 10 minutes. They're going to call back in 10 minutes. You've got to get home. But they need a child. It has to be a child between a boy, between 6 and 12 or something. So this guy calls up.

This was the 70s. So to clarify, somebody called the house, said, we're from a radio station, you can win a lot of prizes. We're from our radio station. We need a small child. Do you have one? Do you have one? They will talk to us on the phone in order to win these prizes. This is the gist of the setup.

And so my mother is on the phone. She's like, oh, I do. He's not home right now, but I can go get him and call back in 10 minutes because he's great at this kind of thing. Even at 7. Yeah. So we got in the car and rushed home, and then the phone rang, and it was this man with a British accent. Yeah.

And he said, okay, well, I have some questions have some questions like most of the radio stations in vancouver at the time british owned and run part of the commonwealth um this was before the 1982 constitution act yes and so he said okay well we need to make sure that your parents are not in the room or on any other lines so that they don't help you with these questions. So isolate yourself from your parents. You have to get out. He says you have to go away.

I have to answer these questions alone. So they go away. Did they close the door? Yeah, they closed the doors. And then he starts asking me, so where were you? What were you doing? I was out playing soccer asking me so what were you what where were you what were you doing that's like i was i was out playing soccer oh what were you wearing um shorts oh yeah what were they what kind of what like were they tight shorts um well no they were and and uh did you get cold do you ever get cold when you play?

Oh, my God. I guess sometimes. And does your dad ever rub your legs to warm them up? And it sort of went on like this. And I'm waiting for the real trivia question. I think he's making conversation. And the last question I remember remember is do you ever see your dad get out of the shower and i i think i said yes and he said was it hanging down or straight out

jesus yeah and and that's all like i think it sort of ended after i'm not i don't know what ended but that was that seems like the end of the call. In a sense, I think it probably ended at that point. Yeah, so that was the end of the call, and I called my parents back, and they're like, how did it go? Did you win anything? And I said, I don't think that was a contest. And they're like, why?

I said, well, he asked me all these questions about my body and whether I like getting my legs rubbed. And you could just see them getting all freaked out about it. Oh, no. And I'm still just so confused by the whole thing. This is before child molestation existed. Or Star 6ix9ine. Yeah, exactly. So I guess they called the police or something.

And I'm thinking, that was weird, but not really thinking anything of it. They call the police and it's a guy with a British accent? Whatever. What was that? And the thing I remember the most was my dad coming in after and saying, well, I talked to the police. And they said that most of the time these people who call don't come after the kids. What?

I hadn't even thought of that. That was an option? Yeah, and they were going out of town for a week after that. So I'm like, oh, wow. They were going to leave you home by yourself to take baths. That was more of an emotional scar.

And that was before the movie Home Alone, so you wouldn't have known what to do. No, yeah, you wouldn't know what to do with the paint cans or what to do with the doorknob and the heater. Yeah, Christmas decorations, etc. Oh, wow, that is a phenomenally creepy story. Yeah, no, it's, that's, you don't have stitches for that. Man, well, yeah, there's no such thing as mental scarring stitches. To this day, I don't like answering the phone. No, that's true.

And I don't know if that's why. That's why you touch your nose so you don't have to. What's that? That's the sign you do so you don't have to answer. When the phone rings, you touch your nose, and the last person to touch their nose has to answer the phone. Man, you guys, it's like when you read Lord of the Rings and you got to read like a whole template to figure out like what the different creatures are and stuff?

That's what this is like. This is learning this whole code of the family. Sure. It's great. Is it? Isn't it? It's great. I think it probably explains a lot about Dave, actually.

What? You're learning a lot about Dave. I want to learn a lot about Dave. I don't think we're learning as much as we think we would like to. What do you want to know about Dave? What would Elmer Fudd be wearing? He'd probably be wearing that

hipster, like, hunter chic. Oh, yeah. So he would just be wearing his regular stuff. But like a tighter flannel. A little tighter. Maybe a Vampire Weekend shirt. Decembrist's album In his back pocket Grizzly bear So we have some hilarious

Childhood traumas Maybe not traumas Injuries I've expanded it to traumas now But it really is like The culture around the anonymous pervert Has evolved Yeah it's gotten

a lot better yeah there's now celebrity perverts sure to catch a predator and such and such etc okay this is from uh anna uh i was five wearing my super awesome capitalized letters yellow footie pajamas printed with dancing clowns. And I sat down and decided to read a book. But because I was five, it was one of those huge kids' books that is like bigger than your head. It's like bigger, or is it? Come on. Yeah, come on.

So when I opened it, I had to really stretch my arms to hold it. Unbeknownst to me, my dad had just set a steaming hot cup of coffee on the end of the table. And when I opened the book to read it, I dunked my elbow into the hot, hot coffee, as if this wouldn't be bad enough. The pajamas were made of some sort of space-age plastic polymer and melted upon contact with the very hot coffee.

It's hot coffee. Do they do that anymore? Plastic pajamas, basically? Polyester. contact with the very hot coffee. It's hot coffee. Do they do that anymore? Plastic pajamas, basically? Polyester. Would they make polyester footie pajamas? I guess so. I'm going to see if I can't get a protest going.

I didn't have to go to the yard, but I did have to sit with my elbow at yard. Did I say yard? Yeah. She was part pirate. But I did have to sit with my elbow in ice for a long time. Which is great. Yeah.

Would you wear footie pajamas today? Yes. Me too. Mark? Although I worry about how hot they would be. Why not, Mark? Too hot. Too hot. And too slippery on the floor.

No, they have grips on the bottom, as I recall. What about... Don't they have the thing that opens up at the back yeah ventilation and i'd like that that's handy is that convenient all right uh this is from aaron aaron uh tells a story of i was having a great time at my birthday party when at some point grandpa offered me a sip of his scotch. While accounts vary, Mom and her side of the family say I was given as much as I wanted. Grandpa insists that he only let me have a sip once. Whatever I had was enough to get me staggering around.

Having really only mastered walking upright within the previous year, the alcohol was no match for my two-year-old body. Well, I think that's backwards. I think your two-year-old body was no match for the alcohol was no match for my two-year-old body. Well, I think that's backwards. I think your two-year-old body was no match for the alcohol. At some point, I fell down. My parents tried to put me down for a nap, but after I continued crying and crying, mom and dad took me to the hospital and found out that I had a broken arm from falling down on my wrist. While you were drunk.

Yeah. You see, first, problem A, your kid is a uh lush um needless to say i think grandpa got into a bit of trouble over that one there are a number of photos of my second birthday with me wearing a cast i bear the scars of this incident to this day i sometimes injure myself by falling down while drunk well i don't think that's because of your grandfather um although it's good to carry him i like that she said um i think it's a he it's a double a double a um he said my family uh says that grandpa gave me as much as i wanted how much scotch do you want as a two-year-old ever well a double at least sure that's standard whatever is uh whatever i get with this drink ticket yeah you go want this much, and you hold out two fingers, because you're so used to doing that, because you're two.

Right. When I was nine or so, my younger brother, who at the time was five, took a meat tenderizer in my ear and tenderized my ear. Well, I mean, you can end it right there. That seems like something a brother would do to a younger brother. Meat tenderizer is a hammer? Yeah. Oh, I guess he would put the powder.

I was thinking of a meat thermometer. Oh. That would have been much worse. Yeah. Oh, God, in your head, that must have been a terrible, murderous scene. As opposed to the relatively delightful scene, the tame scene. The Dexter-esque scene. The meat tenderizer.

That was from Brian in New Jersey. Is that a she or a he? Oh, Brian. Sorry. Okay, where is I? Okay, this one. Here we go. This is from...

It doesn't actually say who... Oh, Patience is the... Patience T. It's a virtue yeah oh agreed um this is the second of two sent in and probably easier one to say on air so that's the one i picked with was around the same time in my life so i was about four or five okay well at the time our next door neighbors housed circus horses wow this is starting out really good. Really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They housed them. And there was one which my sister and I often fed carrots and apples. Horses love them. One of the times that I was feeding this one horse a carrot, I didn't move my fingers far enough out of the way, and the horse ended up chomping down on my thumb. God damn. I screamed, my sister screamed, and the horse, thankfully, just stood

stuck still and suchy. What if the horse screamed, too? That would have been terrifying. The horse would have been like, ahhh! He didn't let my thumb go, though. I was too afraid. Oh, so the thumb is still in the horse. Well, he's not screaming, then.

It would have been better if he screamed. Agreed. My sister ran inside and got our parents, and eventually we got our thumb loose with no long-term damage done. Well, mentally, I would disagree. How hard? I mean, did they need pliers? Oh, they just went in and said, the special horse. There's something whispered to it.

Right. Open, says me open sea biscuit the thing that I remember the most about it though was I basically spent 10 minutes with my thumb in some horse's mouth the two of us just looking at each other while we waited for someone to come and help

yeah like the horse is like well somebody better tell me what to do I don't know what to do it tastes like a carrot maybe you shouldn't have eaten so many carrots. It's like he had realized that he'd done something wrong, but for whatever reason didn't realize that all he had to do was open his mouth and let my thumb go. Yeah, I don't know that horses have consciences. Let my thumb go. That's the song you sing. So yeah, that was a good round and we got some called-in ones as well.

Showing off. Hi, Graham, Dave, and guests. This is Roy J. from Alaska, and I'm calling in regards to the childhood injury segment. I guess I was about three years old, and I happen to really, really love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So I happened to get into some knives, play Leonardo, while my mom was asleep, and I ended up taking a meat cleaver and nearly hitting the bone in my thumb. And then, I mean, I had to be taken to the hospital.

But I did think it was pretty funny. Anyway, that's about it. Thanks for the great podcast. Keep it up. When I was a kid, there was this group of kids in Calgary. The Fratellis. They got in big trouble because they climbed down into the sewer because of the ninja turtle oh wow and um nearly got caught in a like storm drain situation because that's where you

know like a lot of the sewers would tommy lee jones chase them yeah correct um which they were like this isn't the movie i'm a fan of. I didn't kill my wife. I don't care. But yeah, I remember that being a big thing. Every kid wanted to climb down into the sewers. Everything had some bad influence on kids. Do you think that the cities around North America could have made some good civic tax dollars

by offering tours of the sewer for kids. Sewer tours? Yeah, sewer tours. And it could be a make-work project for the people who live in the sewers. Yeah, the mutant rats, the turtles, et cetera. Sure. Have you seen that Shredder hoodie that's available for purchase? Don't tell Mark what his Christmas present is.

that's available for purchase? Don't tell Mark what his Christmas present is. We're living in an era of very fancy hoodies. Yes, we are. Like, hoodies used to be just a gray, a black, perhaps a brown. You know, your autumn colors. Yeah, I think it's gotten too fancy. Well, now there's the one with the kid, right? It's a kid's one that you put your arms, kind of cross your arms, and it makes a shark mouth.

Oh, right, right, right. And then there's ones that zip up completely over the face, and you're Spider-Man or whatever. Yeah, Darth Maul. And now there's a great Shredder one. It's just a hoodie, but you put up a part of it, and then you've got the face mask, and it it's got the arm slicers, shredders, if you will, cranks. Oh, shredder. I got him confused with splinter. Yeah, well, I don't know how that would work.

I know Donatello does machines. This much I know. Okay, one more. Okay. That was the motto of my high school, Donatello does machines. It was in Latin. Hey, Graham and Dave and possible guests. This is Arielle calling from Edmonton again. I wanted to call and share a childhood injury with you. When I was seven or eight, I was

taking a bath and I was wearing socks in the bath because kids are stupid and do stuff like that. Anyway, I got out of the bath and my socks were all wet and I would take them off and fling them around in a sort of helicopter motion and the water would spray everywhere and I thought that was great and I was doing that and some of the water got on the light that was on the wall and the light exploded and glass shot everywhere. And I was shocked because it made a loud noise. And then I sort of looked down and noticed that my leg was profusely bleeding all the way down my leg. And I panicked and screamed for my mother. And she was entertaining guests downstairs. And she came up and I had this giant cut on my thigh that was, you know, like half an inch deep and about an inch wide.

And instead of taking me to the hospital, she just bandaged it up, band-aids, and it healed over and I was fine. So that's my story. I hope you like it. You know, when she said her name was Ariel, I was like, I hope that this over her, I hope it involves, it wasn't over her, but childhood injury involves water. Oh, right. Because I was going to say well that's what happens when you live under the sea but then it totally did I was wearing socks on my

what do you call them? Oh yeah, feet feet we're not going to top that nope oh man so lordy lordy thank everybody, for tuning in. I hope 2010 is as kind to you as it has been to us. Yep.

Mark, if people want to find you online, it's Amazon.com. That's A-M-A, et cetera. Or for our Canadian listeners, Amazon.ca. Okay. And tell them Mark sent you. All right. So on your order form, write Mark sent you in the comments. Right.

I believe this may have come out last week. I'm quite confused with these prerecordings because I'm prerecorded. I was a guest on The Exploding Sandwich. Oh, yes. The other, another podcast. Another podcast, yes. was a guest on the exploding sandwich oh yeah uh the other uh another podcast another podcast yes the other podcast on the internet and uh so you can probably download me on that it went a lot better than the first time that's great i i'm gonna be a guest of theirs one of these days i really uh have been meaning to do it but you know i uh but they haven't asked

they have asked and uh and i just uh, and I've been at Whole Foods. I've been writing a lot of notes. I got things that I'm working on. Well, this announcement was about you. Do we still hate them? No. No, no, no. That's old news.

We defeated them. So check that out, and also check out StopPodcastingYourself.com, which has all the forum. It has a link to the blog that has all the kind of highlight portions of the podcast Dave puts together each and every week. And Dave, thanks for a great 2009. Hey, you too, buddy. It's been good. It's been a good podcasting year.

It's been our best year yet. Top drawer. And yeah, if you enjoyed the podcast, please do tell your friends. And come on back next week for another wondrous episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Thank you.