Stop Podcasting Yourself - Stop Podcasting Yourself - ep.6

Episode Date: April 5, 2008

Movie industry insider and girlfriend Abby Campbell joins us to share some fan mail she's read. We also break off a chunk of Overheards, Celebrity Odds, and Ben Mills calls in from the road.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hey everybody, and welcome to the sixth edition of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and with me for all six episodes to date, the very hilarious Mr. Dave Shumka. I'm in it for the long haul. Damn right, it's 1,200 episodes, is that what you said?

I think you said it once. Like Burning Man. I say it every week. think you said it once. Like Burning Man. I say it every week. You may edit it out. Like Burning Man or Bernie Mac? Like Bernie Mac at Burning Man. It's only going to appear until I have nothing else to say about that. All right.

And joining us is, I'm actually more excited that our guest is who our guest is instead of who our guest was going to be Abby Campbell hello Abby is my girlfriend but I'm also my own person and I hate to sound so bummed out about it but

she was a last minute fill in and we appreciate that you speak english that i hope that that's how you handle the introductions at cocktail parties and things like that so this is my girlfriend this is my but i'm also my own person um i have my own interests uh so uh let's roll right into it get to know us dave you had a fascinating week uh i did have a fascinating week i guess the highlight of my week was uh on monday i went uh last week's guest john bueller and i are both big fans of the BBC car television show, Top Gear. Yeah, you guys were talking about it incessantly, and I don't know anything about cars.

It's pretty sweet. I don't give a shit about cars, but. It's a good show? It's pretty decent. They make it very entertaining. I don't, I, yeah. Is that on BBC? It's on the BBC.

I just download them off the, what the British call the internet. The internet. It's pronounced internet. Right. Use your internet. And yeah, so the Vancouver International Auto Show is in town.

Where else would the Vancouver Auto Show be though? Last year it was held in Seattle. Much confusion about it. Nobody showed up. So, on Monday, we went right when it opened. Yeah. A couple of eager beavers.

At what time does it open? Three. Oh, eager. They're not that keen. Yeah. And we went there and we were expecting it to be, like, maybe there would be really cool new cars there, and, you know, concept cars and super cars. But it was like a showroom.

Isn't that the whole thing? Isn't it supposed to be like Cars of the Future and awesome cars that aren't actually going to exist? Yeah, I would have thought so. Pretty much every other car show seems to have that. Maybe it's just ours that sucks. They had a couple weird concepts, but everything else was like, here's a car that you can buy.

Next year's parking garage. Wow. And it was $12 to get in. $12. That's how they get you. John, by making you pay up front. I mean, it's a very convenient and straight ahead way of getting you.

All those hidden fees. They don't go other than back door. Yeah, but that is how they get you. But I went with John, and I think he has a crush on me because he was trying to impress me all the time. Like a crush crush or just like a man boy? Maybe a man boy crush

yeah sure Dave Shumka that's the thing you can't tell from the podcast cause his voice doesn't sound hot but his well I'm not saying your voice doesn't sound not hot I made a face cause I know where you're going and I don't agree you think that your voice sounds hot

no no I heard what you said but I know where you're going where am're going. Where am I going? That I got a hot bod. That is not where I was going. No, it's near. Dave Shumka,

how dare you put filthy thoughts. All right, where were you going? He doesn't have a very sexy voice, but... But he can tuck his shirt into his pants and it doesn't look dumpy. It's true. How abouty. It's true.

How about that? It's true. That's a far cry from hot Bob, though. Hey, there's a lot of people. I can't. I'm always untuck. Untuckaroo. I can't stand being tucked in.

No. I look like a midget from the Lollipop Guild if I tuck in. I just do it because I want to... It accentuates my muffin tops. I want to feel grown up. Yeah, but that's... Does that make you feel grown up? But you're also wearing a nice button-down shirt.

Well, there's a fine line. If you're wearing a really expensive Las Vegas-y dress shirt, and you're with a few of your Gino Chachi friends. Yeah, then tucking in is wrong. No, tucking in is right. No, you've got to do it. Because you've got to show off your giant belt buckle. no no no god i don't know where dave's going we're both they would all untuck because you know they're freewheeling but i would talk because i'm a

grown-up it's true oh anyway my point is this john bueller was a delight yes yeah at the auto show and uh he was all he was pranking everyone. Yeah. So you told me one of the pranks that he pulled. Well, was it the one with the... There was one company called Strut that makes grills for your car. That was the one. Custom grills. I told John, go up to this guy and see how long it takes.

Or go up to the, there's like a representative. Go up to him and see how long it takes for him to say bling bling. And John did, and the guy wasn't giving it up. Bling bling was not in his vernacular. So John kept having to... He started out really subtle like, Oh, what do you call this stuff?

Oh, these are custom grills. They're titanium and blah, blah, blah. And eventually John was like, What do the rap guys say they wear around their neck? Like a gold chain? Specifically? Eventually he said bling, wear around their neck. Like a gold chain? Specifically. Eventually. Anyway.

He said bling, but I don't like to use that. That was my favorite part. That's pretty sweet. We try to disassociate. Yes. That's not a jargon we're comfortable with. But we were kind of disappointed with the auto show in general. But you had fun.

You had a nice man date. There you go. It was a nice date. Exactly. And Miss Abby Campbell. Wow. I'm trying nice man date. There you go. It was a nice date. Exactly. And Miss Abby Campbell. Wow. I'm trying to think what I did this past few days. It's been a blur.

It's been a blur. Top Model was on last night. Tell us. How deep are they into the Top Model? Tenth season. Cycle. Has it just? No, it has just started, right?

There are quite a ways along. There's seven girls left out of 14 or 13 or something. What do you think about the rift, apparently, that exists between Tyra. Tyra and Jay. Yeah, what's it take? Which Jay? Mr. or Mr. Mr. Jay, the silver dude.

Jay Manuel, he's the guy with the. Oh my God, he looks like a shiny silver robot. That's one of the girls I actually said about him this week. He's the guy that has the bleach blonde... He's the creative director. He directs all the photo shoots and thinks them all up and stuff.

He thinks that she discovered him and kind of made him what he is. He thinks he could have gone alone on it. I got my own talents. I think he's wrong. I believe it, but...

You think he could have made it on his own? I believe there's a rift. I don't necessarily believe. Oh, okay. All right. But you do believe in the rift? Oh, yeah. All right.

They're both divas. I don't know anything about divas. See, I do. Low maintenance. Yeah, you're not a diva. No, but I know about them. Oh, really? Yeah, you work. See, that's. Low maintenance. Yeah, you're not a diva. No, but I know about them. Oh, really? Yeah, you work.

See, that's what people in the podcast don't know. You work in a diva-centric business. I do. I work with actors. Yes. A lot of them are divas. Would you say,

have you seen any blow-ups? Like diva blow-ups? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Are you on the periphery? I've heard, I've overheard phone conversations of like Yeah? Oh, yeah. Are you on the periphery? I've overheard phone conversations of like, calm down.

We'll get you another flight. Don't worry about it. We'll sort out the hotel room. The driver will be there. I'll make sure he's right there. And you can hear the guy, blah, blah, my fucking car isn't here. And my flight's been blah, blah, blah. Yeah, like literally stuff like that. That's awesome.

I'm not doing a fucking photo shoot. Who said that? Dude, you're contractually obligated to do that's promotional for the network. You need to go to the soundstage and do this photo shoot for this TV show you're on. No, I've got a poker tournament that day. Dude, you don't.

No, you don't. Because they're paying you thousands of dollars. But don't actors love it when people take their photos? On their call, though. Oh, I see. Right, right. Actors. So you saw Merrickson's Next Top Model, and that was the week?

I don't know. That's pretty much it. It's been kind of a slow week. Had a friend come over, reminisce about old times, living in Switzerland. That was nice. week. Had a friend come over. Reminisced about old times, living in Switzerland. That was nice.

The thing I... Right away, what I enjoyed about your friend is that he had an awesome turtleneck. He did. He had a stupendous turtleneck. A sweater. Yeah, a turtleneck sweater, and then he had the additional sweater. Beautiful cowichan cardigan over top. Is that what it's called? The cowichan cardigan? Yes, they're from the Cowichan Valley. Good lord.

We were supposed to have a different guest on tonight. Should we say? Well, let me. I'll get to it on my get to know us. Okay. But we were afraid he wouldn't be able to make it, and we were right. Our fears were confirmed. Quite accurate, yes.

And we thought we might be able to get Abby to do it, but I thought we wouldn't be able to because as I was describing it to Graham, it sounded worse and worse. No, no, no. She's meeting up with this guy. Oh, it's okay. He's European. That's the way he actually said it.

He's like, no, don't worry about it. He's European. He's totally European. I was like, oh, okay. Sure, because the Europeans are... They're not handsy yeah they're they're no hands not all hands um yeah get to know see it's no graham we got to know you abby that's enough that's enough i really have much more to report this week it's been a slow week

this has been a dynamic week for me huge Huge things. Big developments. Detail. I want to talk before. Well, let's talk about the Aubrey thing. Aubrey Tennant is a young gentleman that was supposed to be our guest tonight. Yes. We've been going back and forth on this issue all day. Dave and I spent the whole day together. We went to Surrey.

We went to the Value Village. We've been on the phone back and forth trying to work this out. Our lieutenant was living in New York, came back to Vancouver, tried to go back to New York. They said not so much. That's not going to happen. So then he is up here. He's working in a rock quarry. I believe he's working construction. Well, I think I like to prefer in my head that he's on a dinosaur

with the rock on its head. Hitting rocks and stuff, yes. And at the end of the day, yabba-dabba-doo, not showing up. I think of him as more of an Obelix from Asterix. Yeah, okay.

So he's throwing rocks over men's ears, or however you pronounce them. What are they called? It's spelled M-E-N-H-I-R. Menhir? Menhir. No, right here.

Is it Arabic origin or I don't know. He was supposed to show up. And we had a sneaking suspicion that he would not. Because Aubrey doesn't own a telephone. Or a computer? Well, he seems to have access intermittently. And he said... To Facebook.

Yeah. But he said even when he contacted us that he was talking to his girlfriend in New York. Right. What was he talking to her on? Well, he's living with his parents, so presumably their home phone. How could we? Why wouldn't he just call us? From that number.

Yeah. See? There's a lot of holes in our pretendent story. Yeah. But anyway, so he didn't show up, but it's been a whole day extravagantly. Of gnashing teeth. Yeah. We didn't, because I turned down a gig.

My phone's ringing now. I'm trying to ignore it. That's not going to show up on the podcast, is it? Here's the thing that I want to get down to the bottom of. I want to share this because it happened to me and only me, but I don't have an iPod. I have a crappy MP3 player that operates on AAA batteries. Oh, wow.

You should have a Disc man i saw guy with a disc man today oh it's that's still happening okay yeah i had a walkman forever like like mp3 players first started i still had like tapes and i'm still using tape no way yeah wow but you've you've moved up you jumped a generation i listen to all the mixtapes dave used to make for me ah seriously mixtapes you are a mixtape guy? You are a mixtape guy. He's such a mixtape guy and he makes fucking awesome mixtapes. I've kept them all.

I have no way to play them. You don't have anything in the house? We have some, but it's in a closet not plugged in anything. Kind of like our VCR.

And our love letter. The VCR is coming out of the closet very soon. Oh, it is. Yes, it is. So anyway, so I bought,

I was on commercial drive and I went to one of the closet very soon. Oh, it is. Yes, it is. So anyway, so I bought, I was on commercial drive and I went to one of the smaller convenience stores to buy these AAA batteries that say they're Duracell on the batteries, but nowhere on the packaging, which should have been, that should have been, when it just says alkaline batteries,

and that's it. That's all it says on the front. And then on the back, usually there's some information about the product. All it says on the back is warning, may leak, explode, or cause injury if mishandled. Huh. Well, at least they're honest. Well, they weren't totally honest because what they also should have said is don't put this in your MP3 player or it will electrocute your head. And that I've never had happen before.

But I put this battery in and then all of a sudden it felt like somebody was shooting elastic bands into my ear. And I was like, oh, that's weird. Maybe it could be the weather or something. These things electrocuted my head. So that's why still there's three in the package. Do not buy alkaline batteries. Alkaline brand batteries.

I think these were the ones that were rejected. Repackaged with not Duracell. Somewhere in China. Obviously. Look at that. I mean, come on. Just short of having Chinese letters on it. So that happened.

But really, the whole day was us. It's just been a roller coaster. We were hoping. We were thinking. And wishing. But you know what? On every level, I think we knew that it wasn't going to happen. No, this was...

Yeah, it was inevitable. Aubrey is capable of only pleasant surprises. inevitable. Aubrey is capable of only pleasant surprises. If he ever surprises you, it's because... Anyway. I guess that's not... Alright. Alright. Usually you'll be disappointed.

That's slander. Anyway, let's move on. Dave's a jerk. That's alright. It's good for his self-esteem. We've been jerked around all day it's true you have a right to be frustrated David

for two days three days true I cancelled the gig did I say that you lost out on 150 bucks 150 bucks

shit I know don't think I can use that 150 bucks I don't know I had to get Dave to take my head shots tonight

that's how broke I am you have a whole bunch of girls clothes in the background I had to get Dave to take my headshots tonight. That's how broke I am. You have a whole bunch of girls' clothes in the background. Standing in front of my closet. It's called, what do you call that? When you put something in the background? Texture? Something like that?

I don't know. Atmosphere? Whatever. Do you want to move along? Yeah, sure. let's move along all right overheard uh if you've listened to the podcast before you know what it's all about if you haven't you probably figure it out as we're doing it more or less yeah um i i want our guest to go first do you have one i've been trying to think of one i've man really because you seem like you work in an atmosphere where you're probably getting one maybe two overheards a day yeah well there there is stuff like when people are

discussing scripts and stuff like no no you need to make the bugs come out of his penis, not into his penis. Did we say specifically what you do for a living? I don't know. Did we? You work in a talent agency. No, we said that you work with actors. Yeah, I work in a talent agency. Okay. So we represent writers and directors and actors.

So scripts and stuff. And doctors who make bugs come out of your penis. And yes, doctors. That sounds like a setup for some CBC show. It's like, it's a girl who works in a talent agency. Craziness abounds. We'll call it Sophie. Yeah, so there was that one.

That happened a couple days ago. And then another one I overheard. Was that really a conversation? Oh, yeah. It's an actual script. So we need the bugs to come out of his penis. Right now. Is it a movie or a TV show?

It's a feature film. Okay. Do you know the name of this feature film? I do. You can't say it. You can't say it. But you will after the show.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's going to be something crazy, too. It's a great script. It's really quite a good script. It's a sequel. I'm not just saying that

to cover my ass. It's a great script. The only problem is Jim Belushi is up for the lead. Can you imagine if you wrote a script and you spent like 10 years on it, you know, working out the subtle nuances, and then Jim Belushi gets the lead? And you're like, no, this was supposed to be a Russell Crowe vehicle.

He was busy, but Jim Belushi. Russell Crowe is what you worked 10 years for? No, well, when you first heard. It's a well-respected actor, Dave. You're just saying that because you want to hump him. Only when he's dressed as a gladiator. Anything else, he's just a weird, fat, old, white man button gladiator. Here's a question.

Who's he? Was the guy in, have you seen Beowulf? The animated one? Yeah, the animated one. No, I have not. Because that guy's totally Russell Crowe, but animated one? Yeah, yeah. No, I have not. Because that guy is totally Russell Crowe, but it's not Russell Crowe. No, it's not Russell Crowe. It's another British actor.

I forget his name. Russell Crowe is not British. Ray Winstone. Ray Winstone. That's his name. But the character he played in Beowulf looked like the actor Sean Bean. It did. It looked a lot like Sean Bean.

Who? What? you're saying that the character in Beowulf, the way that it looks, it actually looked like Russell Crowe. That's what I'm saying.

Oh. I just thought it looked like Sean Bean. Does Sean Bean look like Russell Crowe? No. Really? Ooh, we got a...

We'll settle this on the blog. Yeah, seriously. Wink? Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and shrug. Wink and Wink? Wink and shrug. Thank blog for the blog. That should be your new blog. Thank God for the blog?

Should it? Thank blog for the blog. There is no blog. All right. So that was kind of... If you come up with an overheard while we're doing our overheards, feel free to jump in. Yeah. Because ours... Well, there come up with an overheard while we're doing our overheards,

feel free to jump in. Yeah. Because ours... There was another one that I overheard. One of our young hot actresses was going to a premiere or something. And she was choosing her dress so she calls her agent because this is the stuff you call your agent about.

Yeah. Oh my God, am I going to wear... Should I show off my boobs or should I show off my legs? Ooh. Boobs. And my boss, of i show off my legs boobs i and my boss of course was like boobs yeah and she's got a great rack i thought this year was a leg year wrong not this year's boobs this girl this girl's boob boob every day i think yeah does she like come into the office just casual and boobs are everywhere she's she's underst about it, but she does take her shirt off for films.

Oh, I know who you're talking about. I'm not going to say it, but I know who you're talking about. I think because you mentioned... She's a great rack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. And she's a lovely, lovely girl as well.

Yeah. And I'm not just saying that to cover my ass. No, but we all know who you're talking about, but luckily you've not libeled yourself. Yeah, you're good. Dave? Overheard? I thought of an overheard that happened to me maybe two years ago.

Okay. Going in the vault? Yeah, but it may not be very good. We'll see. I was on the bus one morning going to work, and all of a sudden 40 kids got on because it was a field trip. Oh, I hate that. And when that happens, everyone kind of looks at each other and decides whether they're going to get off right away.

I'm going to walk to work. How soon am I getting off this? But the kids are usually good for a few overheards. But the only one I really remember from this was we were going through Chinatown. Oh my god, this is a good one. Don't build it up. And one kid says, oh, Chinatown stinks. Oh, I got one.

And then another one says, this is Chinatown? And that child gets zinged by another child who says, no, it's Town China. Change the order of the words. Oh, that's funny. I like that. Was it because that kid was Jewish? Not Chinese.

And he reads backwards, Town China. And he's like, like no it's Town China you fucking no nuts I heard I thought of one alright alright

again it was from a couple years ago you know how we told you to interrupt yeah well done okay yeah that's true I did say jump right in I gotta get in there

so David and I were at the park we were taking our dog to the park it was a couple years ago this park we used to go to all the time and there was these kids that hung out there. It was the summertime.

When the living is easy. Yeah, exactly. And they were kind of annoying because they're loud and screaming and running around. Sometimes you just want to walk your dog and you just want to hang out, right? Totally. But they were pretty cool kids and they were funny and they were entertaining. They were Vietnamese. Were they Vietnamese or Filipino?

I don't know if we ever decided. What about Vi Via Pacino? Via Pacino. Nothing to do with anything. They were hilarious. They'd run around and the dog would get great exercise because they'd get chased around. There's this one kid who was just

an adorable little shit. He just was in there and he'd poke people and throw stuff. He was adorable so you couldn't really hold him against him. He was, like, four or five. He's like Emmanuel Lewis.

Super adorable Asian kid. And one of the other kids found these, like, plastic glasses. Like, just the black frame plastic glasses. No, they were sunglasses.

But they didn't have any... They did, originally. Yeah, but when this happened, they didn't have any... They were, like, just wayfarers, like Ray-Bans. But they didn't have any... They did, originally. Yeah, but when this happened, they didn't have any... They were just Wayfarers, like Ray-Bans, but they didn't have any glass in them. Right, right, right. They were just seat, like, just the frames. I used to wear those when I was a kid. And there's all these Asian kids running around, and then the little shit stops and goes,

Ha! You look Chinese! In your face! And the kid just kind of stops and went, okay and then dave and i were like what poor kid yeah it was a burn you look chinese chinese she got glasses on it's town china asshole oh fuck um all right you got one got, okay, I have two things, but I have one that's an overheard, but it was actually me saying it, but I think it would be hilarious.

You still heard yourself as you were saying it. Yeah, but I think it would be really funny if somebody else heard what I said. Had overheard it? Okay. Yeah, I was talking about it last night. I can separate myself from myself sometimes. Did you hear this when I was talking about this

on stage with the bus pass? No. Okay, I'll do this, and then I'll do the other one. I got on the bus the other day. And you know how on the 99 there's like the three-door entry? Mm-hmm. So like everybody's getting on and nobody's paying, right? But I got on the front door,

so everybody's got to pay and show your bus pass. It's really fucking ridiculous. Yeah. So I show my bus pass and the bus driver's having a bad day she says uh you gotta scratch off your zone and it is right it's scratched off enough that you know what zone you know it's the yeah yeah so i said like i'm like okay uh and i say to her oh no it's scratched off and then she gives me this huge sassitude she goes yeah that's really scratched off enough and i was like and so then i for some reason just spontaneously took on this voice where i was like hey hey

hey and then i said just relax kitty cat that's what i said i was like who the fuck? Am I like Frank Sinatra? Hey, get a good day. So I thought that would be funny if somebody overheard that. That's pretty sweet. I like it on the shorter buses when people try to sneak on in the back. And it's so obvious. Yeah, anybody can just look over their shoulder. No one fucks with them because they look dangerous.

Every once in a while they get in the way. But one time I saw a guy get on, and he was trying to be a tough guy, but the driver caught him and made a little announcement. Hey, get off. And the guy just looked sheepish and turned around and got off. I saw something similar to that where somebody jumped on, and the bus driver, as soon as he jumped on just said hey and the guy jumped off immediately he was just like oh okay

that didn't work at all I think I tried to argue oh come on yeah just give me a ride I can't believe that I was getting such sassitude I had a bus pass with it was scratched off enough you know it was obviously that I wasn't

you could have done better maybe but yeah I was obviously that I wasn't as... You could have done better, maybe. But... Yeah, I could have. But I wasn't a zone three trying to pose as a zone one. And they're different colors. Like, they're... She was just... She was having fun a bit.

I was the problem that day. Yeah. And, uh... But I can't believe that I said that to a woman. I can't believe that I was like... Hey, hey, hey. Hey there, kitty cats. Hey, it's all right. I couldn't believe that I was like, hey, hey, hey. Hey there, kitty cats. Hey, it's all right.

I couldn't believe that. All right. So then my second overheard was on a bus trip. And I get to – it's not overheard. It's actually overseen. It's a bit of graffiti that I see every day coming home from work on the bus. It's at one of the bus stops. It's those ads for – against the baby seal hunt.

Yes. ads for against the baby seal hunt. This one says 250,000 baby seals will be killed in the seal hunt this year and your coffee is too weak. Get angry for the right thing. Get angry for the right reasons. So it says, but your coffee

is too weak and somebody has written right next to it in felt pen, how am I supposed to drink a seal? And they actually wrote the word um. How am I supposed to drink a seal? I can't tell if my coffee is too weak. Really? Yeah.

Like if people ever tell, if people ever say that their beer's watered down or their coffee's weak, I have no idea. I just load them both up with sugar. It's true. Or ice. I'm not sure that those ads have done anything, really.

Did anybody get? They're kind of confusing. It's a long time to read. Like I understand the idea of the ad, but a lot of the things I could see you actually getting mad about. It's okay to get mad that somebody stole the last parking spot. Yeah. And if you're paying five bucks for a cup of coffee and it's weak,

why are you fucking pissed? Yeah. I mean, let's not downgrade the seal situation. By no way demeaning or lessening the impact and the importance of it. You can't drink a seal. No, you can't. How am I supposed to drink a seal? How am I supposed to do it?

I don't even know how I do it. Yeah. Okay, so I see where you're coming from. I mean, yeah. You do have a point. Actually, like graffiti, now that we explained it, actually doesn't make a lot of sense. I guess. What else is on slate?

Mr. Ships? Until we Ben and Mills it up? Yeah, let's... Mr. Ships. Shall we Ben Mills it up? Yeah, let's do that. What's he been up to? We need a thing for... For Ben. I told Ben to sing a theme song. Did he?

Yeah. Oh, yes. Oh, Ben. Okay, a couple podcasts ago, our friend Ben Mills was a guest, and he is going on a cross-Canada adventure by Greyhound Bus, and has agreed to kind of call us and leave us messages with little story chunks along the way.

And this will be the first installment of many, I am sure. Received March 29th at 1.15pm. Received March 29th at 1.15pm And move on the road I'm in Kelowna right now And I took the first greyhound from Vancouver to Kelowna And we had a rest stop in Merritt And we got out and this other guy got off the bus who had no teeth And he was drinking an open can of beer

And he told me he couldn't wait to get to Kelowna Because they have a cold beer and wine store between there, bussed off at his house and he was wearing a knock-off I am Canadian hat which was weird because he's clearly an alcoholic and they get free in beer boxes. But anyways, he told me he had racked up $10,000

in fines on his driver's license and that's why he had to take the bus and then five minutes later he got kicked off the bus because somebody ratted him out for smoking a cigarette in the bathroom and he's got to watch him saunter off and say, buddy, you best have a skateboard or something. You're running out of options in this world for getting around.

Anyways, I will call and have another story. Goodbye, Dwarves! Ben Mills on the road. When did he send that message? That was Saturday. Saturday. So between Saturday and now,

Thursday, he has had so many adventures. This is my favorite thing, because we were razzing him on the show that when he got to Banff, that he would be so enamored with just the- Oh, and he wouldn't want to leave. Well, that that would just be the perfect place for Ben Mills

because he likes drinking. He works as a cook. Outdoorsy stuff. He's an outdoorsy guy. He's a cook. There's tons of work he could do. Restaurants and stuff, yeah. He got off the bus.

That was the greatest thing because he wrote me this message as soon as it happened. He got off the bus in Banff, the Greyhound bus, and as he was getting off, the bus driver said to the people getting off, he's like, all right, and you guys are the last people getting off at this stop because this stop is being discontinued. And Ben was like, so how do I get out of here and the bus driver was like I don't know that's your problem this bus stop's discontinued

sorry so it was awesome how the prophecy came true with no fault of his own it was just automatic he loves it he's gonna go back there he wants to move back

there next year because like on the first night he met a bunch of australian people oh those are hard to come by yeah in canada good luck good luck he and then he got drunk and i told you this that all the aussies wanted him to hook up with their friend whose birthday it was and gave him her room key. And he went up into her room and proceeded to pass out on her bed. Because Benville likes a drinking. It's true. So I hope none of those stories are on his next call. There's going to be a lot of stuff between point A and point B.

It's true. This should just be the Ben cast. This should just be the Ben cast. This should just be the bus cast. Talk about stuff on buses. Yeah, we do talk about a lot of stuff on buses. Yep. It's true. Whatever.

It's all we do. We just ride around the bus all day. I like that segment. I want to keep up with that segment. Do you want to, what do you want to do? Nexty. Fan mail. So as was mentioned earlier, Abby works in a talent agency.

And one of her jobs is to read fan mail. Yes. I screen it for security purposes. Can you explain that just a titch? I open up everything that's addressed to a client. So if there's a bomb in there, you're done. It would be for me. Wow, Dave.

Or anthrax. You're kind of like one of those wives that lives with firemen. Yeah, that's what you are. I know. Every day she leaves I say be careful could be the last time you see me wow

and I there's some big make out sessions before she leaves yeah every morning the wind machine and dramatic music

I mostly kiss my rosary beads it's true all day in mumble prayers I spend most of my day playing xbox with rosary beads

hanging out of my mouth playing Xbox with rosary beads hanging out of my mouth. Chomping on my beads. So, now you have, your company has a few high profile clients. Yeah. And You don't have to name names.

Exactly. We're going to keep it loose. One of them might have been men with brooms. Maybe. Very likely. I think so, maybe. If it's Canadian, we have somebody in it. Put it that way.

And Vancouver is a big industry. And so there's people all over the world who are fans of your clients. Exactly. And stuff that our clients work on in Europe, in Asia, in America. And these are actual letters, right? Physical letters. But you're not going to read them word for word. No, I'm not going to read them word for word.

There's a couple that I'm going to have to. But those are the ones that I didn't actually pass on to people. The only reasons I have really not passed it on was if it was upsetting or violent or just really weird there's a couple really sexual ones oh yeah that I've just I'm talking about kept for myself um but uh I think most of the time it's just you just I just read it make sure that it's

legitimate and I think we're killing with the suspense here I want to hear one of these letters um so there there are there are legitimate requests from fans. All right. So that's, I'm going to guess somewhere around 40%. Hey, Christian Bale, can I get a lock of your hair? I really enjoyed you in whatever, Transformers and Smallville and whatever. Shia LaBeouf. And I think you're great.

The guy who played Jazz the Robot. Exactly. And I saw you on Stargate. I thought you were great. Dave and Graham are playing footsies with each other. It's distracting. So they're legitimate requests for autographs and stuff like that.

Sometimes they'll send a picture. Sometimes they just send a headshot or whatever. But there's other stuff. There's people who are very persistent. There's people who've mailed numerous, and when I mean numerous, I mean more than 20 times. Really? Yeah, there was this one guy who lived in...

Can we call him Chad? His name was Eddie, actually. I think Eddie's fine. Eddie lived somewhere in the Midwest states. Eddie Kroger. Eddie Kroger. Little Eddie Kroger. He lived in Iowa or Indiana or Ohio.

One of the big eyes. One of the ones with a lot of vowels in it. And he would just write down, like, today I went to the grocery store and I got some yogurt and then I drove home and then and but it's and he'd be totally banal really boring stuff and then he would totally

go into his family's financial problems and this was he was writing this to somebody to somebody yeah repeatedly and he wasn't even asking for anything like at the beginning I think a couple times he asked for an autograph and the person must have sent it to them. I love the notion that somebody is such a big fan of somebody that they would write things that were like mundane.

Yeah, like you write a letter to your grandma. Ted Danson, I'm a big fan of your cheers. Listen, my wife has lost interest in me Sexually I went to this great museum It was spectacular They stopped making the kind of salad dressing I like It's straight

So there's really boring stuff like that Did you really give all the money to charity? I hear he likes race cars Let's hear Another woman Does he really give all the money to charity? I hear he likes race cars. All right, let's hear what... What else? Another woman who was very persistent would send gifts, birthday, Easter, Christmas gifts,

like letters, literally once or twice a week, and she was mailing from Europe. And the person was famous as a teenager. They had the star. Stop it. And not, I mean, it's a working actor and does a lot of work and stuff

and is, you know, successful, but if she would know him, where she's from, it was when he was like 16, and he's like 35 now. So she's writing to a 16-year-old version of this person. This guy she has in her head from this TV show that she just fucking loved, that she's watched every single episode. And she, again, well, we had my aunt over last night,

and she would go into the description of the meal, like every single, like. And she's written for years, hasn't she? And for years. Like once a week? Years, at least once a week. She stopped when we moved. Is that a crazy thing? I don't even want to know how much money this woman's put into postage and gifts and like

all this one guy and he's fucking creeped out. He's read these things. You haven't been doing your job as a screener. Well, no. By the time I got there to my job, he'd already been getting these letters for years and we'd stopped passing them on to them. Oh, wow. I just keep reading them because I love reading people's fan mail.

And it's one of my favorite parts of my job. So there was her. And then she's like, we went to this horse show and then we went over here and my carrots are growing nicely in my garden. Really? And it was just crazy. So are these like the loneliest? So you gotta wonder.

She seemed awfully sweet. You came really prepared and you told me there were six categories of fan mail you get. Well, I... Good lord. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Okay, so never mind. So seven categories. So never mind.

Yes, no, tell us the categories. There's religious stuff. People who want to convert them and stuff? Well, people will send the stars a Bible. Oh, okay. With like a leather-bound Bible with monogrammed with the person's name on it. Is it a case where they've seen them in something very kind of... Questionable?

Yeah, and they're like, we want to save you? Not even. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes it is. Sometimes they've been in something racy or something R-rated. But they want to save them. And there's this one girl who wrote, she was from somewhere in the south, and her dad was a pastor or something, and she was just so sweet.

You could just tell in her letter. She's just a sweet little girl that everybody loves the apple everybody's eye and she was so worried that when she went to heaven that this young actress wouldn't be there so she was sending the bible and a whole bunch of like pamphlets and stuff and i love jesus and jesus loves you and for this girl's eternal salvation because she really was worried was she the same one who sent that book that was like the trendy christian book that that woman used to to talk down her her when she one woman was taken hostage she used that book and never mind oh yeah it was on oprah and stuff i forget what you guys can't you're talking in like a secret code yeah i'm in the Oprah and stuff. I forget what that was. You guys can't... You're talking in like a secret code.

I'm in the room and I can't understand it. All right, let's move on from that one. What's the second category? Another category would be prison mail. Oh, like from prisoners. We get quite a bit from actual inmates. Yeah, no, that makes sense. And they're all from the States.

We don't really get any Canadian prison mail. I think if I was famous... But it was this correctional facility on the envelope so they know it's yours and again a lot of times like that's just that's just a pastime they have they just write letters yeah they collect stuff and sometimes like they're fucking creepy no of course i mean they're in prison. And they're strange. They probably weren't in prison for being awesome at selling ice cream. And some of them are actually quite nice. Some of them are nice.

Like, hey, I've been in prison for whatever. And, like, they've actually seemed to, in a letter. I banged my nephew. If I was famous, and let's not bank on that, but if I was, I would insist on whoever was my person reading the mail, I would make them compile which prison I get the most letters from, and I would go and visit that prison. That'd be sweet. You could do a show there. Yeah. I would do like a big celebrity.

Whatever prison that seems to be the most interesting. But probably it's, I'm guessing that it's probably the female are getting most of the prison letters. But also some of our clients who are. She-males. She-males. No. Boys between the ages of 12 and 15. Oh.

Which was kind of strange. That I didn't pass on. Wow. That I didn't pass on. And the letter itself was totally innocuous. It was totally fine. There was nothing in the letter, but I even asked my colleagues,

and I'm like, am I overanalyzing this as being super creepy? And they're like, no, it's super creepy. Throw it out. I want to spring off on a thing about prison. Cause this, this,

I read in this book called prank the monkey, which is a, it's like a website. Huh? By Peter Gabriel. Uh, this guy did an experiment where he sent out letters to all these different celebrities that were known for being really charitable,

right? Like Angelina Jolie and oprah and bono right and saw who wrote back to this fictional 12 year old girl with cancer or whatever uh and uh like bono came through in the clutch oprah did not neither did angelina jolie madonna did very well uh but the person who came through the biggest and this was his control that he used in the experiment to kind of see you know yeah was uh charles manson right oh just as a uh and charles manson sent to this like you know a bono sent in some like like a poster and some shirts and uh you know uh there were kind of other levels but but Charles Manson made these... Temporary swastika tattoos.

Between your eyes. He made these handmade jewelry boxes with painted... The bones of inmates. Well, they were really quite scary still because they were carved, like the hearts and stuff were made with a knife. But they were handmade boxes that he sent to this 12-year-old girl. So it's just, when you're talking prisoners, they just... Well, so is her right.

Who writes to Charles Manson? True. I don't find... He must have been suspicious. I don't know. I don't think he gets suspicious about anything. I don't know. He's beyond suspicion.

Oh, I thought of another fan mail. One that I enjoyed. This happened a long time ago when I first started my job. But one of our young hunky males was in... Dean Cain. Was in... What was it? Junior.

It was Freddy versus Jason. And he was in it. And he was like one of the teenagers. And he totally died a terribly gruesome, awesome death. And this... We got this letter one day and this guy somewhere in the States was writing every single person who had anything to do with any Jason movie. Like from crew to cast to producers and asking them for an autograph and thanking them personally for making the Jason movies. That's nice. Which I thought was lovely.ason movies that's nice which i

thought was lovely yeah that is nice i've enjoyed the jason movies myself you're a fan well i'm not a fan but i've seen them but i don't know a blur like the name on elm street they're all like they're all kind of the same to me all right but jason takes manhattan is the one where the boxer tries to fight jason jason x was awesome oh that's an overheard. That's a good overheard. We once saw... You can't backtrack. I know, but I'm gonna. This one's good.

All right. This one's good. Here we go. We once were sitting in a movie. Was it Jason X? No. No. And we saw a preview for a movie.

During the previews, they did a preview for Jason X. Jason X, which takes place in space. Yeah. Which I loved. I think they had one or both of these songs During the previews, they did a preview for Jason X. Jason X, which takes place in space. Yeah. Which I loved. I think they had one or both of these songs. I think both.

By Drowning Pool. Yes. Disturbed. Disturbed. And the Drowning Pool one is the- Where the guy makes the monkey noise. I believe it's called Get Down With The Sickness. I heard it on many, not classic rock stations. Yes, absolutely. And the other one is Let The Bodies Hit The Sickness. I heard it on many, not classic, but rock stations. Yes, absolutely.

And the other one is Let The Bodies Hit The Floor by Disturbed. Which is a classic. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. It's in every one of those movies. And Abby and I were laughing pretty hard. I think I said something like, hey, Dave, your birthday's coming up. I'm going to buy you the soundtrack.

And we went, ha, ha. And then they show the name of the movie and then the little list of credits and the list of who's on the soundtrack. And the people in front of us go, that soundtrack looks really good. It's going to be awesome. Awesome! I loved during the time that Jason X was out that my brother, every email that he sent to me was with the subject heading, Jason X takes place in space.

It didn't matter what was the content, which was then usurped with, it was when Bringing Down the House came out, every subject heading was The Horror of dancing eugene levee and then uh most recently all the subject headings is uh meet the spartans question mark is uh the new one so you have a lot of fun we do we have a lot of fun. Where do we go now? Celebrity. Celebrity odds.

Alright. Celebrity odds. I'll throw out the odd. You tell me what you think the odds are. Gotcha. Ernie Hudson. Okay. The black Ghostbuster. Black Ghostbuster. Thr thrilled from doing voiceover work in the new Ghostbusters video game,

decides to lend his voice to another animated venture in tokenism by voicing the black kid in the Peanuts movie. What do you think? I think the odds are pretty good, although I don't know that he necessarily needs to be spurred. You think he would just take it based on the lack of work for... Does the black kid even talk? Extra bonus points if anybody knows what the black kid's name is.

See, that's what I was thinking. It was the chance to kind of slim, because I don't even know if the black kid talks. Yeah, but I think that's kind of cinematic if they were going to make a big screen version. True, like Elizabeth Taylor doing Maggie Simpson's first word. Exactly. Ernie Hudson doing the silent black kid.

Yeah, it's just like... And he probably just comes in and says, what? Or something like that. I don't know if that's him. Something incredibly black and racist. I think the fact that he... Does he rap? Does he rap in the movie? Yeah, the fact that he... It's stereotypical. Does he rap? Hmm? Does he rap in the movie?

Yeah. Yeah, no, he does... No, don't. You know what? If they made an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, then it's high time that a Peanuts movie

came out also starring Jason Lee as David Seville. It's true. Wow. Jason Lee, remember when he was awesome? Do you remember? Not necessarily.

No, when he was in the Kevin Smith films and stuff and he was awesome, like he was that... He was hot. Yeah, he was awesome? Do you remember? Not necessarily. No, when he was in the Kevin Smith films and stuff and he was awesome. He was hot. Yeah, he was like super sarcastic and fun and then he kind of

went off the rails a bit but then he came back with My Name is Earl but then he's gone off the rails again now and he's a Scientologist. I was never really on the rails with him.

Is what it was called? No? To be honest. You're not on the rails with him? I've never really been on the rails with him. Fair what it was called? No. To be honest. You're not on the rails with him? I've never really been on the rails with him. Fair enough. Although I do like his modeling

for We Are the Superlative Conspiracy. Look it up. All right. It's a clothing company. That's the name of the clothing company? We Are the Superlative Conspiracy? Yeah.

Whatever happened to FUBU? Which is fucked up and butt ugly. Is that what it stands for? Is that really what it stands for? It stands for For Us, By Us. But you said fucked up and butt ugly. But I said fucked up and butt ugly. God damn it. You're ahead of the curve.

I listen to a lot of rap music. You look like you do. How about Nick Lachey? Sold. Good? 100%. I am definitely on the rails with. Will star in a reality show

called 98 Degrees of Nick Lachey where you can connect anybody to him. 38 degrees. There's some people that he's like two degrees away from but they still have plenty of time left they go the roundabout way

even though it could be like Jessica Simpson they go through Charlemagne and then back Jessica Simpson was in a commercial with the Muppets Miss Piggy was on this and it just goes on for half an hour.

I don't think it's likely, but... But it sounds... But hilarious. Hey, he's got to pay for all those fucking vacations he keeps taking.

What's that? All the paparazzi shots of him always on vacation. They're like, dude, you got to work to go on vacation. No, but that is his new job. What's he got to pay for?

Well, I guess a lot of... Apparently a lot of resorts and stuff will pay celebrities to go and hang out and have their picture taken. His job is having abs. True. And having sex with his girlfriend in a hot tub for everybody to see. Damn right.

That's my job, too. Where do I get that? The internet. Jet Li. Yes. Can I tell you where you're probably going with this? Okay. Because I bet you don't know where I'm going with it, but go ahead. Will start his own airline. No, but close.

Okay. No, but not close, but not because you thought I was going to do a pun on Jet Li. Right. Wrong. Jet Li. And the General Li. No, it's not even a... Well, it is a pun on Li.

I'll give you that much. Jet Li will promote a line of hair care products called... You guessed it. Wet Li. Jet Leave-In Conditioner. See? You were way ahead of me You guessed it. Wetly. Jet leave-in conditioner.

See? You were way ahead of me on the generally. I should have fucking stuck with that. Should have seen that coming. You know what? I'm going to say that's very likely. You think? No.

Oh. How about this? A Jewish deli in New York will finally retire their sandwich called the S Club Sandwich, named for the pop group S Club 7. But there ain't no party like S Club 7. Yeah, because it's... If they haven't retired it by now. And why would they even make it in the first place? Because one of the members of the group

came there and ordered a club sandwich. He just changed it to the S Club Sandwich. It's the same sandwich from before. It's handwritten on every menu. Just the S is sandwich. It's the same sandwich from before. It's handwritten on every menu. Just the S is added. Yeah. That's impossible in a city as big as New York. There ain't no party like an S Club party.

There ain't no sandwich like an S Club sandwich. See, that joke writes itself. I didn't even... I just put the notepad down and it was there. All right. Okay, okay, okay. We're playing fast and loose with what is and isn't a joke yeah but i think given the fact that i'm the only one that came with anything prepared as usual i think celebrity odds from now on part of it will be me interrupting to make fun of it okay i mean that, it's not like that will change the format.

Dave's just keeping it in check. Just keeping it real. Yeah. Well, we've done a hell of a podcast, guys. Seriously. What time is it? I should be in bed by now. Well, Aubrey should be here any second.

This is our first really late night podcast, and I feel good about it. I do too. I think we picked up momentum. My favorite time of the day. Is it? I'm one of those people that's just... I'm good from 3 p.m. to midnight.

That's my on time. The night time. I work optimally. This is the right time. It's true. Long live the sun. Fuck the beast. Whoa.

Is that an Adam Sandler reference? A really sun. Fuck the beast. Whoa. Is that Adam Sandler reference? Is that a really old Adam Sandler reference? Yeah. Is it? So we're going to wrap it up, wrap it down?

Wrap it up. Oh, you are not going to be here next week, so there will be no show. Yeah, that's okay. But our listeners

who listened last week will be relieved to know that you got a flight to Toronto. Oh, that's right. We don't know the train debacle. Yeah, no details. Now it is flight, and I'll be in Toronto. And you don't have to pay for it?

No. We'll go out there and lose a competition and come back tail between the legs. You could come back and tell us you'd won it. We'd believe you. I wouldn't. Yeah, you wouldn't because I wouldn't have that $1,500 hat

that I'm planning on buying. That you wanted to... What's the grand prize? $1,500? No, the grand prize is $25,000. Right. Shit!

Part of it would go to a hat. The rest would go to... Charity! Charity! To that made-up 12-year-old girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With multiple sclerosis or whatever. One of the sclerosis. One of the sclerosis. Maybe not all of them. Multiple sclerosis. You got a case of the multiple sclerosis. I was actually working with a girl once who had... We used to be a teacher and we taught.

We taught kids and we taught and we taught kids and we were learning about having to incorporate all kinds of kids into the classroom with all sorts of disabilities and stuff. I literally thought

you were going to say that you would have to incorporate different types of sclerosis. Sclerosis. Some might say multiple. But one of the girls I worked with, who was lovely,

but not the sharpest spoon in the drawer, said, so what would you do if you had a student with cerebral policy? And she was dead serious. And I kind of, and I'm a girlfriend I'm with, kind of just kind of laugh a little bit. Cerebral policy. And then everybody's looking at you like. And then the girl's like, it's really serious. Don't laugh. And then like, she's like, okay, I'm sorry.

Do you remember the commercials a couple of years ago for epilepsy? And they would have a child who was just like catatonic. In a classroom. Yeah, in a classroom, just staring forward. And the teacher called on them. And the child didn't respond. And the teacher's all like, Jason, come on, just get with it. And then one of the kids, the kid right beside them, would scold the teacher and be like,

ah, she's having a seizure. Let's all just calm down a second. Fucking moron. I don't remember those. But they sound like fun. Those are good times. They're so good, we're talking about them now. On that note, we raised some awareness at the end of the podcast,

which we never have done before. Yep. So look up those diseases and choose one to donate. That's right. To a child. You guys out there listening, thanks a lot. Yeah. For downloading this.

We'll be back in two weeks. Yeah. On the button. My name's Graham Clark. Our guest has been the delightful and informative Abby Campbell. My pleasure. Thanks for coming out. Can't wait till next time.

And yeah, come back again. Thanks for coming out. Can't wait till next time. And yeah, come back again. Listen to us again. Stop podcasting yourself. Thanks for listening. You can reach us at stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com

or come to our website stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com Woo!