Strangers on a Bench - EPISODE 14: Mondays, Pedro, and Silence

Episode Date: December 16, 2024

Tom Rosenthal approaches a stranger on a park bench and asks if he can sit down next to them and record their conversation.This is what happened! Produced by Tom RosenthalEdited by Rose De LarrabeitiMixed by Mike WoolleyTheme tune by Tom Rosenthal & Lucy Railton Incidental music by Maddie AshmanEnd song by 'What About Me?' by Rae MorrisStream it here : https://ffm.to/whataboutmee Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench, where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? What's your favourite day of the week? I lately like Mondays because I made a decision not to work Mondays anymore. Everyone is in a rush on Mondays to get to places but I'm not. I normally come here and do like a lice picking with my dog and it's just so nice and I don't have to be a part of that rush that one day and I like it. What made you decide to stop? Was there a moment when you thought, that's the end of Mondays for me, as I knew them? I think I got to the point, like I've got a child that struggles with emotional and mental wellbeing,

and I thought, you know what, it's just not worth for me to be pushing myself and working and losing the time with people that are really important in my life, you know, so and I know it's it's not always easy for many of us because we live in London and it's expensive and everyone has to get through the life somehow but With everything that is happening in a world in general

You start to rethink What is actually important. So I thought I can give that day for myself and also for my child to help them to get into the week. And yeah, it made a huge difference for both of us. Wow, so it made a difference to your child as well? Yeah, definitely, definitely. Can you describe how that made a big difference to your child as well? Yeah, definitely, definitely. Can you describe how that made a big difference to your child?

I think it's because they struggle with a huge anxiety with a lot of young people do these days and I also work with children and young people. So I think it gives them the comfort that I'm here on that day. You know, it's difficult, you have to go to school and start the week and yeah, I think they just take it more easy now knowing I'm here and it makes me feel good for being able to be for them.

Yeah. Yeah. I've got lots of questions for you, which was a good sign, but off the top of my head, you say you go litter picking? Yeah. Can you tell me, you know, there's so many people that don't do that, there's so few people that do it. How did you become someone that does it? It's been always a part of my life.

I don't know, I grew up having little and I grew up with appreciation of the things I have and I have love for nature and outdoors and with everything that is happening to the planet it's just extremely upsetting seeing that we still can't see that this is our home you know you don't trash your living room you know but you go here to relax and then you come pick up things I mean it's not that I enjoy picking somebody's rubbish you know but people come in here for a romantic day out and they leave the... come here. Hello this is your dog? It is my dog. What's your dog's called? Pedro.

Hi Pedro. You're the first person I've spoken to with a dog. We've got a dog on the bench as well. He is and he's the best buddy ever. Oh he's lovely. Yeah, he's been rehomed. So I've had him for the last six months. Oh look at you, looks like you're getting on really well.

Yep, yeah. Lots of hugs. And it's that unconditional you, you look like you're getting on really well. Yep, yeah, yeah. Lots of hugs. And it's that unconditional love, you know? Yeah. Well, maybe for treats. Yeah, mostly unconditional. Yeah, mostly unconditional.

How has Pedro changed your life? I think, again, coming back to my child, my child was hardly living in a house and now we have a dog so you know we're taking him for walks so that changed dynamics in day life, in my life. It's that love, that animal kindness, a simple, simple joy. Sometimes you feel like, oh, I don't really want to do anything but I do have to take my dog out and once you're out you start walking

and you just walk and walk and walk and then it's you know two hours gone. That's fantastic. You mentioned you grew up with very little. Can you describe more about that to me, what that growing up was like? I feel like because I'm from Eastern Europe and I grew up in the 80s and it's not that we had nothing but like I'm from times when you had to wait for your birthday to get new shoes or Christmas to get new jeans you know we had a lot of secondhand stuff and then when I was a teenager I made this decision myself to like I don't need to be spending money on a lot of things, less is more, you know,

and like recycling, upcycling, fix it rather than buy it, pre-loved stuff. Like your dog. Like my dog? Although maybe not pre-loved enough. Yeah, I think, yeah. Can you upcycle the dog? Are you upcycled? Upcycled Pedro.

Are there any traditions from your upbringing in Eastern Europe that you've kept for your child to do or things you've tried to keep alive? No, I don't know. I think like I grew up just being out, you know, and I'm trying to encourage as much as I can my child to be a part of it as well. Hiking, cycling, being out there. And obviously they're in that age now, a teen, and also struggling with their own wellbeing when they're like, I don't want to be doing stuff with my mum, I don't want to go out with you, you know. But I hope that because we did it,

at some point it will get back to them, you know, or they will get back to it. I mean, tell me if this is two persons in a question. How do you think your child kind of became the bee feeling anxious? Was it technology? I tell you what, I question. I ask myself that so many times. Sometimes I think, where did I do it wrong?

But I think the transition to secondary school for my child was during COVID. And I think that affected a lot of young people and children. From there, it just went downhill to the point that my child lost two years of education. So I guess we're all going through this age, hormones and stuff. So that probably contributed to it as well. It's the age when you try to figure out who you are,

what you want to be. And on top of that, these days, there's so many labels, tags, and pressure from social media and around, you know, that you just get lost so easily. I work with young people and a lot of people say, I wish I lived in 90s, you know, when we didn't have social media

and having to perform almost, you know, for the likes and stuff. And I think it's just not easy to be a young person these days. It might seem like, but I don't think it is. And I think a lot of young people and children, they don't have really connections with their parents. And again, it's something I didn't have as a child, and maybe it's partially cultural, that it's just not much love at home. So I hope that I've changed it in my own family life, that there is a lot of love and support,

especially communication, but a lot of other people and young people, children, you know, because their parents work. Kids spend their day at school then in some after-school clubs and you know barely sees their parents and when they come home they just sit on the on the computers, laptops and all the stuff. When I work with kids and I would ask what did you do in summer, what was the best part? It was like, oh I played on my iPad all day you know and it's sad it is. Well I suppose it's a product not just of their parents but of what society does to their parents so if their parents simply don't have any time or have

barely any time to connect then that's a societal issue isn't it? Yeah, it's hard, but in general we're losing that. People just don't talk anymore and it feels odd when someone approaches you with like, oh can I ask you an odd question? And you're just like, what's going to happen next? What if there was a kind of... I don't know how this would quite work, but imagine, you know, they say, look, Tuesday the 7th of July

is gonna be a national talk to someone day. See if you can chat to someone you've not met before in a safe way. So everyone's kind of like ready for the possibility that it's day for everything. of being approached. Yeah, that would be cool, you know? Something like that, just to get people going a bit.

But we loosen it. I think personally, I feel like everyone is in their own bubble. You know, there's good news though. Something that I've learned from doing this. Once you start talking to someone, it only takes like a matter of, I don't know, a few minutes before you kind of develop a certain trust, a certain understanding, you realise how actually people are quite open and ready to chat.

Yeah and I think we just generally need it, you know. I'll be honest, like again going a little bit on to personal stuff, I got referred to ICOPE which is like mental health support for adults. I got referred to ICOPE, which is like mental health support for adults. Because of obviously naturally I do struggle with my child's health and, you know, it became heavy for me and overwhelming and tiring. And I was thinking like, what else can I do? So when I got referred, I was just kind of like, you know what, I'm going to go there. I'll be back probably in 15 minutes. You know, I was saying like, oh, I don't know why I'm here.

I feel like I'm taking this space for some, maybe someone needs that support much more than me. You know, I'm dealing with things. And I sat there and it's the same like with you, a random odd strange person starts to ask me questions and gradually, it's like 15 minutes, 20 minutes, over an hour and I ended up crying and I was just like I felt like I cleansed myself but every time when we were talking I was bringing my child into the picture and

then she was just kept asking like but where is you? What do you do for you? And I'm just like but when I see my child happy, yes, I know you when you see your child happy, you're happy, but what about you? And I just like, boom. Okay. Yeah. That is my space in all of it. And I think it was shortly or around the same time when I decided not to work Mondays. And yeah, it's good. Good change. Change is constant and I think we are afraid to make changes because we used to do our routines but changes are good. Can I ask another slightly personal question? Is the father of your child in the equation?

No, but I do have a partner. Yeah. But no. I was just wondering because it seemed like as you were talking that you were kind of on your own with it. Yeah, most of their life, they're 15 now, most of the life I was by myself or in relationships that didn't last but yeah. So that's a lot to do that away on your own. Yeah and you know you learn a lot how the system works and I'm in this country by myself I don't have

any family here so there were tough times, definitely. So then seeing my child going through all the struggles breaks my heart because I'm just thinking, oh have I done something wrong at some point, somewhere down the road, maybe, you know, I wasn't enough and you start questioning it. But I think it's just, it's not just me, I think it's everything. They're not just me, I think it's everything. They're really sensitive and they just take everything as they see it. And because, you know, I always talk to them. I'm super open, so there's nothing, absolutely nothing that they could not ask.

Sometimes I think I'm too forward, which is like, Mum, OK, I get a picture. You don't have to explain it to me to such detail, you know. But yeah, I mostly was by myself and I had to grow up really fast and get a lot of strength. Can you tell me about your decision to leave home or what was then home? I was kind of told to go. Oh really? Yeah.

By who? I finished my uni just going out and at some point my parents said like, we can't feed you anymore. You're big enough. And my older sister used to work here in the UK. She was in London and got me a job. I was like, oh, I'm just going to go for a year, you know, save up and whatever, come back.

Nope. Nope. Still here. But if I ever was in a position to live, I'd probably would like to live in Wales. Well, maybe that's something to aim for. Yeah, just need to find a bag door to the bank. Yeah, just rob a bank.

Just rob the bank, although there's probably not much cash that's there in there, right? That'd be devastating if you had all that trouble to rob a bank and there was nothing there. Oh, shit, there's like 100 quid. Yeah, if I ever did I would love to have a sort of campsite for bike packers because like I said I love bikes and cycling is a lovely community. It is a positive vibe. Well you could do that. Yeah, I'm not sounding very confident are you? Yeah, it sounds achievable. Just walk around Snowdonia and see if there's any little places you can talk to.

Squat. Yeah. Can I squat some cottage? Yeah that would be nice. What do you think the greatest bit of luck has been in your life? I think for me, it was the hardest thing to do to become a parent and I never wanted to be a parent. Really? Yeah.

Not at all? Not at all. So not only you weren't even curious, like I don't want to. I don't want to actually. You were kind of locally like I don't want to do it. But at the same. So what happened there?

Kind of surprise. Yeah. But at the same time once I became, obviously it was so difficult. I do think it was the luckiest thing ever because it helped me to just see things from different perspective and grow and then just I think thanks to my child probably sitting here on the bench with you you know I was a little bit like I wouldn't say reckless, but going out and trying things that are not always healthy for you and stuff. So maybe the things could

have gone not as good. What was your most reckless episode? Is that a big question to ask? Can you look back at a time and think, I can't believe I did that. Taking a drag, I was a drag dealer who offered it for free and it wasn't really for free. And having to run, and I never thought I could run as fast.

Whoa. Yeah, it was quite terrifying. That's scary. Yeah. Oh, you. Am I allowed to ask about your ear pier's scary. Yeah. Oh, you. Am I allowed to ask about your ear piercings? Yeah. There's quite a few.

There's just a lot of them. There is. I was just really intrigued. What, like, can you hear me? I'm a sensory toy for autistic children. They love it. They just, like, yeah. And you let them just touch through your ear?

Yeah, as long as they don't wanna pull too much. Yeah, of course. And a lot of questions. Why do you have all these just touch your ear? Yeah, as long as they don't want to pull too much. Yeah, of course. And a lot of questions. Why do you have all these things in your face? Can you take it out? I'm like, no, it's glued. And they're like, oh!

I was born this way. Yeah, I was born this way, exactly. It's like I used to have different colour hair. Yellow hair, and then a week later I had blue hair. And they were like, why is your hair blue? I'm like, it's yellow. No, it's blue. I'm like, I love it. Yes, I don't know.

I've had it for most of my life. I had my first piercing when I was seven years old and then just did most of them by myself with the safety pin at home before school. So every time when I came to the kitchen to see my mum, she'd be like, you have some more in your ear, no? Oh, after you pissed yourself? Yeah.

I guess you would advise that? No. But yeah, no, I would sterilize safety pin vodka and then put potato at the back of my ear and just get through it. And then my friends said, well, you know you can do it with a needle. So then I just got a proper medical needle,

which made a difference. And I pierced my nose myself before school. Oh my God. I mean, most people before school just watching a morning TV program or having breakfast, you're piercing your nose. Yeah. Anything else you did before school?

No, no, no, no. So you never did it for other people, basically? No. I did couple friends, the same technique. Needle, potato, and hope. Has your child followed in your footsteps any way of doing this on their own? In some sense, yeah. So they've got a few piercings and it's funny because like obviously some parents just always project some of our ideas onto their child. I believe that children do not belong to us. We just help them to find their own path and

obviously give some good values and ideas of what their life is like but not to force, I want you to like what I like, I want you to go to school I went to or you know have a job I do. I just want to be their support. I'm a bit like, do not mold yourself into, you know, the same shapes that everyone else is. But I never said like, you got to listen to what I listen or like what I like. We're very similar in some ways. They're a bit more heavier,

they're more into like sort of heavy metal music, but it's cool. And I already taken them to see their two favorite bands in London which was incredible like you know even for me I was oh my gosh it's been a while I took them I don't know if you know there's like a new metal band Korn and he was just awesome like so good it just reminded me like when I was young and going to like open and festivals for days and I was just like this is just amazing and being there with my kids in

the favorite band and even the band the people like just came on the stage and generally were like just cool and rad and like loving and had such a good vibe. Then I went home and I was like I just loved it and then I was to my daughter I just want to go back and she's a good vibe. Then I went home and I was like, I just loved it. And then I was to my daughter, I just want to go back. And she was like, me too. Oh, fantastic. Yeah. Like I borrowed some of her t-shirts and like, you know, sort of new metal socks and stuff

and dressed up as a 90s kid. And we went to that gig together and it was just rad. Really cool. That's like great. Yeah, awesome. I love it. Those moments are just, just incredible to have. I can't wait for other bands to come. Hopefully we can go.

And every time it's a surprise. The first band we went to see, I didn't tell till like literally days before. And I said like, make sure that you don't get too comfortable after school because we're going out. And it was like, well, where are we going? And I said, well because we're going out. And I was like, where are we going? And I said, well, we're going to see Deftones, which is our other favourite band.

And it's just the cry of happiness and like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. You know, I was like, just breathe. But yeah, it was amazing. Awesome. Awesome. It's's beautiful I love it. You say you work with young people. Yeah. Can you talk me through a moment with a young person where you feel you've had a real impact, something that's worked, you didn't think might work? Sometimes it's really hard to see.

I often feel like, do I actually make any difference today life? Because a lot of young people I work with are very complex, with a lot of issues. Young people who are excluded from school, that have social services, they might be from households with domestic violence and all this stuff, so sometimes it's really hard. But I think I work with a young boy who's only eight years old and was completely excluded from school so I was seeing him four days a week for

like four hours each session so that's a lot of time together for six months and he gave me a hell but then like I could see he would be more comfortable. I know it's not a big thing but he would say, oh, I'm going to kill everyone in the world and I'm going to have this plane and I'm going to take my family and then he would say, you can come and swell. Which means like, okay, so you're not going to kill me, I'm not as bad anymore, you know. Eventually he got to another school and he's doing so well as much as I know and the lovely thing is like he keeps coming to another scheme when I don't work but he keeps asking whether I will come back, which is lovely. Then you realise, okay, I probably

made some difference. I think it's, you know, when you, quite often when working with other people, especially people who are troubled in some way, you know, you, you, someone has to do the hard yards, meet them when people are at their lowest. Yeah, and the most vulnerable as well. And you don't get that much from that, you have to just battle through the kind of mud to get to the point where things can start to grow again. Yeah, definitely.

Absolutely. And it's not a job that you just check out, home put your feet on a table and relax and I'm learning not to kind of take it back home but sometimes I'm just like sitting at home and thinking like what else can I do. How do you relax like how do you try and unwind? Bikes. Being on a bike is my... Where do you go when you're on a bike? I mean, when I'm just here, I would just go like Richmond Park or just sometimes wander around London, especially like, you know, in the evening or super early in the morning when not everyone is out yet. Otherwise, I would just go Surrey, Kent for like a day of cycling.

And then if I do bigger trips, I mean, I've done Scotland, I've done Lake Districts, Wales. And you go on your own? Sometimes, yeah, most of the time, I did a few trips with my daughter, but I do go by myself often. I love it, that's my space, and it was so funny, because when I went to that mental health support,

and they were asking what I do, and when I did cycling and they were like, oh do you cycle in groups? And I said like mostly by myself and they said, why is that? I don't do drugs and I don't do people and they just laughed and I said like, I just, there's so many people everywhere, every day. I'm going out there to switch off. Disconnecting from that and connecting

what really matters to me. I'll stop saying that I'm escaping to go there. I'm actually returning when I want to be in the places that make me happy. When you're cycling, what is the bit of it that gives you the greatest euphoria? Yeah, having conversation with myself that actually makes sense.

Oh, I dig. As you're talking to yourself as you go. You do, I do. No, maybe out loud, but I'm processing my thoughts and I love that. And definitely, obviously, like getting to the viewpoint or being in an element, you know, you're right sometimes and suddenly it's raining and being me

and my most vulnerable you know I do struggle there things are hard physically hard especially off-road and you're fully loaded you know you have bike and if I go for multi-days trips it is a lot of moments when you just feel like I just want to go back home I hate here I don't want to be here you know you might moment and you cry, but the beauty of it is like, you are there within yourself. And I think that's how you build the resilience. And for me, resilience is to recognise

my own feelings and emotions, and then see where it takes me. Okay, I'm going to ask you two more questions, then I'll leave you alone. If I ask you about the greatest day of your life, what comes to mind? Nice easy question that. The greatest? Pose.

Maybe he hasn't come yet. The greatest of all. How about one that you just have stuck in your memory? There's so many days that are stuck in my memory. The one that jumps to the front now? The first thing that came probably was going first time to Scotland with my daughter on bikes. That was a beautiful, beautiful moment. How old was your daughter when you did that? Nine.

She was cycling as well? Yeah. Whether she liked it or not. But I think that was a beautiful day, because that was the first time I went to Scotland as well myself. And you're on a sleeper on a train, and then you wake up in the morning, and all of a sudden, the views are just mind-blowing, so gorgeous and the place where we normally start from there is a train station and

nothing else, nothing. It's just open space, mountains and lakes and it was just so beautiful. I feel like I'm home. Yeah, definitely. I feel like I'm home yeah definitely. I feel like maybe obviously we've just met but I feel like somewhere in nature is calling you maybe for the future. Yeah I'm gonna be this weird thing something's probably gonna nest in my head some point you know you never know maybe something is already living up there I don't know yeah. You seem to have such a passion for it. Yeah, I do. I truly do.

It's funny because I feel like, you know, being this punk kid and then now I'm just turning more into some, I don't know, fairy, some bloody hippie. Always peace and love and you know, let's smell the air. But I think I am privileged on a lot of levels to be able freely roam and explore and see things that not all of us can. And it's just, I'm sitting here on the bench with you, you know, swinging my legs, totally relaxed. I'm grateful for it, but we should be.

Something I tend to like to get people to do is can you describe what we can see in front of us and also how that makes you feel? front of us and also how that makes you feel. Blue skies and it's been a while since we've had a beautiful blue skies, trees, city far far far far far far away which is a good sign we're still part of it but what matters is right in front of us, which is a beautiful green hills, happy people, I suppose, relaxing people. And we can't maybe see it, but there is silence. And I love it.

I went to one of the exhibitions and there was a documentary of the guy who records silence, which is weird, how can you record silence? And he said the silence is on the verge of extinction. And these days we use headphones that, you know, reduce noise. So I know we can't necessarily see it, but you feel it. You feel the silence and that's beautiful. Is that okay?

That's a lovely answer. Thank you. Okay, last question for you. What are you going to do next? Weekend is coming. I'm already thinking what I'm gonna do, which is probably going on my bike out of London somewhere. I'm almost finished building a bike that I can have a basket to carry my dog. Pedro is going to be on the bike too. Wonderful. Hopefully very soon we'll be going doing those things together. How do you prepare a dog for a bike? Well as much

as I know he used to be on a motorbike so he kind of knows. He might be like this is too slow. It should be okay, it should be okay, plus we're just gonna take it easy. But for now I'm just gonna walk and probably think what we've just done. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just thinking like, what the hell? What just happened? Yeah.

What the hell was that? Yeah. That was my relaxing time on a bench. Gone. That disappeared. I'm never gonna get that back. Yeah, not back. Right?

Oh, well, thank you so much for talking. Thank you, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. And nice to meet Pedro as well. Right? Well, thank you so much for talking. Thank you, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. I hope you all go as well. And nice to meet Pedra as well. Tomorrow, feel the silence in my heart I don't do drugs, I spend my Mondays in the park Cause I spend Tuesday through to Sunday Helping others make a start

But what about me sometimes? What about me? What about who I was and who I want to be? What about me sometimes? What about me at 17? What about all the things that I don't get to see? It's how it's meant to be I don't do drugs, I don't do people who drive cars, ride my bike into tomorrow

Feel the silence in my heart I don't do drugs, I spend my Mondays in the park Cause I spend Tuesday through to Sunday, helping others make a start But what about me sometimes? What about me? What about who I was and who I wanna be? What about me sometimes? What about me at seventeen?

What about all the things that I don't get to see It's how it's meant to be