Strangers on a Bench - EPISODE 2: Fruit Sculptures for Breakfast

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

Tom Rosenthal approaches a stranger in a London park and asks if he can sit down next to them and record their conversation.This is what happened!Producer by Tom RosenthalEdited by Rose De LarrabeitiMixed by Mike WoolleyTheme tune by Tom Rosenthal & Lucy RailtonIncidental music by Maddie AshmanEnd song : Fruit Sculptures by Sophie MayListen to it here : https://ffm.to/soabsong2Please consider following, subscribing, and do leave a review! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? What is your favourite day of the week? I'll say Saturday because I can wake up whenever I want. I clean my house, which helps me reset. I love the smell of bleach and detergent.

You're the first person that's got so quickly to the smell of bleach and detergent. No, I'm not a junkie. Probably within 11 seconds of talking. Love it. Yeah, I also think of what I would like to cook during the week. So I get inspired for ingredients. I speak to my family. Yeah, it's a lot of me time. Do you know where this feeling of liking things being really clean, do you know where that comes from? I grew up in a house where my mum was working a lot of hours. My dad was working too, so she would come home exhausted and

she would only cook for us, but she was not a fan of cleaning. So yeah, I learned to clean since I was very little. Can you remember a time as a little person when you first experienced the joy of a clean space? I was still going to school and my parents left me home alone for the first time. They went to my village to visit my grandpa. And I always had this fantasy of taking a bath because I've never had a bath since then, always shower. And I was like, OK, I've never had a bath since then always shower and I was like okay I have to clean my bath first and that's the first time I did it turned off the lights put on some

candles listen to my favorite music so yeah wow sorry for the noise it's probably my family take it take it oh no it's fine, because if I take it, it's going to take ages. When you talk to a family, do you talk for a long time? Usually, yeah, because they're abroad. Do they worry about you or do you worry about them? They worry more about me than me about them. Are they correct? Are they right?

No, they're not. It should be the other way around. They're more stubborn than me and they do more stupid things than me. And what do they worry about with you? I mean, what kind of things do they concern about? If I eat well. Yeah. They're Mediterranean so that's important. That's the main worry. If I sleep well. Oh wow. If I dress up well. Never forget my jacket when I go outside. If I'm okay with my partner. I love it that if you're okay with your

partner it's the kind fourth down from... Yes. Oh, that's amazing. Are you happy with them as parents? In the magical draw of the luck of who your parents are, are you happy with who you got? If you asked me 10 years ago,, I can say that I'm fine. It could have been worse, it could have been better, but they did the best they could under their circumstances they grew up in. I understand.

So when you say therapy, therapy for you or therapy with them? For me. I understand. So when you say therapy, therapy for you or therapy with them? For me. I see. Can you say at all what the, in terms of their growing up, what the issue was with that? It's them. As you can see, that's one of the issues. Oh, that's a ringtone for them so that's their personal ringtone no that's calling so if they can't find me on skype they will start calling me everywhere yeah so that's one of the issues oh parents it's funny just as we're talking about them so you know you said their upbringing what about that was hard for them that made life hard for you?

So they both had a lot of psychological issues. So my dad is a bipolar. My mum has depression. She grew up in a very difficult environment. She lost her mum when she was a child. And her dad, my grandpa, was not a very loving person. So both of them, they never experienced true love. So for them, love was to just give my child food, take it to a nice school,

give money and that's it. But I never heard the word I love you from them so that was tough for me too. Have they said it since? They try and it's very difficult for them and I can feel it they will never tell me I love you they will tell me mommy loves you you know like a different person distancing themselves does that feel tough i i feel sorry for them for never experiencing it but i cannot blame them um yeah if it's if it's any consolation to you my my my father is dead now but he was it was the same for him i know he definitely felt something but you know he never really said it and just before he died he said it oh which is nice but sometimes i'm sometimes i think i was kind of dreaming it's just me and him sometimes you look back and go

did he say it it's a funny situation and it's a shame really because it's not quite their fault. It's a very long line of people who have not been able to communicate it. It's a circle. Someone has to break it. Yes. This is it. And that's you. Yeah. And the therapist.

Yeah. At this point I'd like to thank my therapist. How did you overcome that? Obviously the therapist helped but there was any particular thing the therapist said or particular way of framing it which meant you somehow became okay with with it so i remember a phrase she liked to tell me she was like imagine all the pain and the sadness you feel like a wall of brick you have to break it to go through. It will hurt, it's painful, but at the other side you'll feel better.

So when she made me realise that the love I was getting from my parents was not the love I actually needed, I remember I couldn't stop crying for a day and my therapist wouldn't let me hang up and she stayed with me for a couple of hours and after that I calmed myself down I was like okay that's it but you had to go through that to feel yeah what what did like having a parent that has bipolar like what does that mean to you? It was difficult. Because there were times that he would be funny and calm,

like the dad I always knew. And moments he would just snap and be violent. Both verbally and physically. Mainly to my mum and then us. Oh, God. So, yeah, I spent a lot of my childhood protecting my mum. Oh, man, that's really tough. Yeah, which was also a role I shouldn't have.

Yeah. Was it just completely random when it happened? It could happen even a couple of times during the day. Oh, wow, okay. Or even a week. I think the maximum was a week. Yeah. Crikey. I'm really interested in how you would forgive him. I don't know if it's forgiveness or acceptance. I think there is a difference there. Yeah, sometimes you can't forgive, you just leave.

Yeah. That's why I left. Yeah. Oh, that's why you left? Yeah, I decided to leave my country. This was the main reason. Wow. Have you, in a kind of escaping it, has it made it better?

I mean, has the distance helped? Yes, it helped a lot because I can compare myself with my brother who's still there. Ah, okay. And he's struggling with it. Yes. Big question, but if... Oh, you might be a parent. Are you a parent now? Not yet. If and when you might be a parent, how would you do things differently? Oh, that's a nice question because I discussed it recently with my therapist.

Oh really? Oh, perfect. So up until recently I didn't want to have kids just for this reason. I was afraid of becoming them yeah but she reassured me that just the fact that i've done therapy for all these years distances me from them i'm never gonna be like them and i think the the thing i'm gonna do differently it's the way I love them I have a lot of love inside me and I want to pass it on to them and I think this will also cure the child inside me yeah I would really like to play with my kid and hug it and tell them I love them. Tell me the last time you wished you had more courage to do something, but you didn't do it.

That's funny because I'm in a period in my life that I have a lot of courage right now. Fantastic. So I quit from my job. That's why on a Thursday afternoon, I'm sitting on a bench. That's the most courageous thing I've done in my life so far. Wonderful. Good on you. What made you take the leap? I was tired of blaming myself for other people's mistakes and trying to fix things that are

not under my control. I couldn't stand this anymore. So yeah, I quit and I'm very happy about this. Did you do it in a particular way that you wanted to do it? So I was very scared of doing it, obviously. I've never done it before. But I went in his office and I was determined to not change my mind because I knew he would try to change my mind.

But I was lucky because the moment I told him he exploded he showed me his real self perfect yes I was like perfect that's the best choice I could ever do well it sounds like if you're in the you're in the courageous moment now yeah I think I'm heading for moon, the moon of courage currently. Have you started doing things that you hadn't otherwise done? Yes, I did. I travelled this past month twice, like Costa Rica, and I drove a car there by myself. What, all the way?

Yes. What, from here? No, from here I can't. But while being there, and I was super afraid of cars until then, but it was unbelievably liberating. Oh, this is amazing. You've pushed through all these barriers and you've had doubts, but you've pushed through. How have you done that? So whenever I try something new, I always experience these two feelings, fear and enthusiasm. If the fear overcomes the enthusiasm, then I will rarely do it. Yeah. But if enthusiasm is greater,

I'll just push myself and be like, you know, you only live once. Yeah. And you'll definitely regret not doing it. I also did bungee jumping. Bungee jumping? Yes. What's that like?

Like the blood leaving your body for a few seconds. But the thing that pushed me to do it was an old lady before me, she was 75 and it was in her bucket list. So I was like, well, if she's doing it, I have to do it. It's embarrassing. So you got to see the 75-year-old. You're like, oh no, I can't back out now. How long did you stand on the ledge for? Like 30 seconds. That's not too bad. Yeah. Can you remember what you were thinking about at that time?

Before I jump, I was talking to the guy that would put all the safety nets on me. And I was like, did you check them correctly? He was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you sure? No, I you sure no I'm not one two and he pushed me not even a way to three I was like oh you son of a so as you're going down you're thinking oh that guy that's most of your experience what what were you like for the rest of the day? Extremely happy. Like I did drugs or something. Oh, fantastic.

I think it was the adrenaline effect. But yeah, I was like, I can conquer the world. Maybe you will. We'll see. Is there anything that you do that you think no one else does? What I mean by that is, do you have any little rituals you think, I wonder if I'm the only person that does this? I'm definitely not the only person that does this,

but I have little self-care rituals. So I like to spend a lot of time preparing my breakfast, even during early work days. Like 6am, I love preparing. I like to wash my fruit, peel them, cut them in small pieces and make designs with them. Make designs? Oh wonderful! That's really charming. Can I ask what kind of designs? My favourite is paws. Paws? Dog paws. And the dogs just come to visit us at the same time. Let's look at this dog's paws, see if he can get some inspiration. Yeah, or little faces.

And is this just for you or do you share with anyone else? Not just for me. You don't take a picture? You don't send to the parents and go, look what I'm eating? No, if I did that, they would probably be like, just eat it, eat it, the vitamins disappeared. So once you've made the poor food art, or the face, how much do you appreciate what you've done before you destroy it?

Not much, like a few seconds. But yeah I like to have my oatmeal, my bread, my jam, always watch something on my laptop. So I usually spend like 40 minutes my breakfast time. I'd rather wake up early, miss some of my sleep than miss that. Than miss the breakfast. Wow. I really like that. Do you know why you do this? Yes, I know. It comes again from childhood.

My dad would always prepare us breakfast because my mum was working very early. Yeah. And, okay, he was tired. He was bored, I guess. So he would just prepare us a piece of bread that was that thick. I couldn't chew it in my mouth. And it was always dry with some honey. And that's it.

I was like, that's an awful way to start my day. This boat of bread. I feel so sorry for childhood you with your massive bit of bread. The dry bread, it's massive and it's dry. Everything comes from somewhere doesn't it? So I suppose you have your father to thank in an odd way. Yeah. For your funky breakfast art. How did you meet your partner? Through mutual friends. And it happened before the pandemic back in my home country in a nice cafe and we managed to keep this distant relationship until COVID started and the first time they allowed us to travel he became a love immigrant for me so we're both here now fantastic what do you enjoy about being in a relationship with this person that i can be myself in my good

in my bad moments everything i don't have to hide anything. I don't have to feel ashamed for anything. I can talk to him about everything. My secrets, my, you know, evil thoughts. Everything. I think he's my best friend. Oh, wonderful. What do you miss from home? What do I miss from home? Not much anymore. I think it's people that make home. And most of the people are here with me. Or they visit me often.

I don't think I miss anything anymore. It's been many years as well. Almost ten. Do you have any questions that you would like to ask yourself? When you're talking to someone, there's something that's just in your head. You wish they would ask about that. Do you have anything in your head that you would ask yourself

and then answer it? You could ask me about my hobbies I think I have quite rare hobbies okay rare hobbies okay well maybe I should have got I should have got an idea of this from the whole breakfast I should have learnt and the fact that you mentioned your love of detergent. We're on seven seconds of talking. Okay, so hobbies, here we go. I like knitting and crochet. Yes.

A lot. Crochet? Yes. And I make a lot of stuff, which I then gift to friends. Oh, amazing. So, yeah, I love this. And whenever I start doing it, and i do it with passion so i can finish a whole jacket like a couple of days but then my arm hurts so it happened that i had to go for physio a couple of times are you very very fast yes yes so you can do a whole jacket? Yeah. What, in two days?

Yes. Jacket. Yes. Wow. Can you do it and just completely kind of switch off? Is that the kind of idea? Yes, that's what I do. I think about nothing else when I do it.

How did you find that you loved it? How did you know? So my grandpa taught me to knit because he was knitting his socks during world war ii ah so i learned from a guy that's interesting yeah and do you remember being kind of wanting to learn you're like oh and he was yeah because i saw he had this bag and the knitting needles and yarns in his closet. I was like, Grandpa, how do you use these? What do you do with these? And you know, he just knew only simple stitches and stuff. But I remember because he was like 80 years old, he couldn't see very well. He was wearing his glasses like this and trying to show me

what a lovely thing to pass on you mentioned hobbies are there more so that's one and the other one that it's mainly for this time of the year i like growing fruit in my balcony in london that's lovely and i'm growing an apple. I had an apple in one of my breakfasts that I was doing the dog pose and it had sprouted. A little root came off the seed. I was like let's plant it and see what happens. And it's been two years and I have a one and a half meter tree in my balcony. Wow! So it's doing alright? It's like that now, yeah. Fantastic! I'm hoping in three years from now I'll have apples.

Imagine the taste of that first apple. Pink ladies. Pink ladies! Wow. What a life, eh? So you've gotten, you've found freedom, you quit your job. I traveled. What are you gonna I mean what now um so it's been about two and a half months that I quitted um I think I'm gonna slowly start looking for next steps now and I don't think I'm going to lower

my standards easily this time and pay more attention to details that I totally skipped because of the need to have a job and get paid I'd like to do something that

gives me pleasure of offering like offering something to people, to the society I'd like to do something that gives me pleasure of offering. Offering something to people, to the society. So you want more satisfaction? Yes. I want to be able to go to bed every night and have a smile and say,

okay, I did this tiny bit today. Three more questions and I'll leave you alone. Because you probably have things, well, well. Well, I have to call my mum, so. Yeah, that's it. Can you describe for me what we can see in front of and the skyline. I like being here because it's open and my view is not restricted and can also give you the two, you know, ends of London or civilization in general, like nature and buildings and scaffolding. And except from the kids that we come here it's generally very quiet so I can hear my thoughts. What is the biggest thing that's ever happened around you, not to you, but around you would you say?

I think the pandemic. I never thought I would experience something like that in my life. And I was super scared when it first happened. I thought basically that we would never be free again. I was terrified because I spent all of the pandemic alone in a flat in London, totally alone. My flatmate had gone to her partner. My partner was still trapped back in our homeland. So I think I spent like three, four months being totally alone.

Watching all the news every day, people dying, people getting sick. I think it was terrifying. And I think people who manage to survive this, not only physically but also mentally, we are all heroes I think. During that time of being alone all that time that's really something. Is there anything that particularly sustained you which was kind of surprising to you

you didn't think it would? I was very lucky for living close to Hyde Park so I was able to go for walks every day. I remember there was a point I would do the round of Hyde Park every day for like two weeks or so. I think that's the first time that I became so close with nature because coming from a city where there were no parks back in my home country I never had this experience and I think yeah that's what helped me honestly. I remember I liked going to the supermarket and just queuing just talk to the person standing in front of me and behind me.

Just, you know, a touch of humanity. Yeah, that's it. But if you think, what I like about that, what you just said is that, you know, even now, those little moments throughout the day are so important. Yeah. You know, just those moments sustained you. Yeah. Even though they're really little, they kept you going. And that's how important they are.

I don't think people forget that. Do you know what I mean? Okay, last question for you. What are you going to do next? As of today? Yeah. Okay. So, the reason I also quit my job is because I never had a gap in my life.

Because I know many people, especially here in the UK, they like to take a gap year before or after uni. So, I never had a gap and even before I quit my free time as I told you before was cleaning the house cooking so doing productive stuff because I always wanted to feel productive I felt guilty if I didn't do anything. And I realized that it's fine if I don't do anything. It's fine if I just sit in my couch and just stare at my plants or watch a Netflix show. Not everything has to be something to produce. It's fine.

We all need some time off to restart our brain. So I'll just probably go home on my way by something from Gale's. Sorry for the ad. Like a chocolate brownie. And then just go home, chill, watch Netflix. And think of what I'd rather not do that If I'd really rather not do that And when someone tells me they love me I'll say I love you too

Cause there's never too much love And there's never too many I love you's You can have all of my love. Cause my love is yours. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,