Strangers on a Bench - EPISODE 27: Lunch Break Loving

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

Tom Rosenthal approaches a stranger on a park bench and asks if he can sit down next to them and record their conversation.This is what happened! Produced by Tom RosenthalEdited by Rose De LarrabeitiMixed by Mike WoolleyTheme tune by Tom Rosenthal & Lucy Railton Incidental music by Maddie AshmanEnd song: 2 > 1 by Will Joseph CookStream here: https://ffm.to/2greaterthan1————————————————————————————Instagram: @strangersonabench Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? What's your favourite day of the week? I think it's Saturday. But when I was younger it was Thursday because of the anticipation of Friday approaching. Yeah, but not anymore? Are you saying you're not young? Well, I was in school back then. What were you like in the school?

I was good, but I didn't like studying that much. So I was more outside playing with my friends. If I say to you, trying to think of one school memory that stayed with you, what would that be? What comes out straight away? I think it would be in my university starting my radio show in the radio club that was fun I remember enjoying that moment entering the studio making my first program. Nice the first time were you presenting it? Yeah. Were you nervous? I was, yeah. But it went pretty good so after the first two minutes I wasn't

nervous anymore. In other times in your life when you've been nervous, how do you overcome your nerves? What are your tactics? Well, I think I'm a pretty calm person by nature, so I don't have difficulty in that aspect. For example, at my job I'm expected to do some things with a very short notice in front of a lot of people. And I just focus on the thing that I need to do. I don't think about any other aspect that could make me nervous. That's very sensible. Yeah. So does that mean it doesn't happen anymore? You just don't get nervous? No, I don't. Wow. Can you think of anything that would make you nervous? I mean any... Yes, asking to strangers sitting on a bench if they would like to speak to me. I find such meetings a bit nervous.

Well you're doing well so far. You're absolutely fine. No, no. I'm only nervous when I'm on your shoes. Oh, I see. When you're approaching people. I see, I see, I see. So you said Saturday is your favourite day of the week. Can you talk me through, from the moment you wake up, to the moment you go to sleep, your idea of the ideal day, your perfect day? Yeah, so the ideal Saturday would start

partying after midnight, dancing with my friends. So we're starting the day at midnight that day. Yeah, because it's technically Saturday. You're right. Okay, so you're dancing into Saturday. And then going home with someone I enjoy spending time in bed and then waking up with a love you mean a lover yeah making love in the morning perfect having a good breakfast at home I like making turkey sausages for breakfast and then my ideal Saturday would be a sunny Saturday yeah like today yeah going out for a walk sitting by the canal drinking coffee chatting and then I mean it's hard to pick from the options that they could evolve into but

yeah seeing friends or maybe attending an exhibition or a plan that I have been looking up to for a few days and then going out again in the in the evening. The double! The double! They call that burning the candle at both ends. Yes. Have you had that expression? That's what I will do this weekend because I need to start my night shift on Sunday evening. So I have to party until the morning on Friday and Saturday so that I could start waking up a bit later and then start my work at 10 p.m. on Sunday. Wow, so you're gonna be starting to work at 10 p.m. on Sunday? Yeah, for a week I'll be working from 10 p.m. till 6 a.m.

Wow. I've got a few questions about your partying first. Then we'll remember the night shift. What was it, the night shift life? So, parties, partying, dancing. What kind of dancer are you? I'm not a crazy dancer. No.

I just close my eyes and flow with the music. Nice. I don't have any, have any special moves or anything. I just... Not like cutting the bread or whatever? No, no. But you don't actually have your eyes closed? Yeah, sometimes.

Have you ever bumped into anyone? No, but people have bumped me. Yes, the people have bumped you. Because my eyes were closed, I wasn't able to evade them. I like it. So people have bumped into you. them. I like it, so people are about to see you. I like that thinking. And they're lucky.

And they're lucky if they do. Can you dance without any... What do you call it? Enhanceurs? Yes, thank you. Thank you for saving me there. I was trying to figure out what... Yes, I do, and I like it. For example, in the weekend when I wake up,

not the most ideal Saturday, but if I wake up alone, then while preparing breakfast, I put on some music, I dance, I enjoy dancing to myself. Fantastic, but it helps? Yeah, it makes it more fun. But without enhancers, it's still fun. Yeah, this is it more fun. But without enhancers it's still fun. Yeah, this is a very good point. And so you say you like to have a lover in the morning. Is this like a new lover every time? No.

Same lover? How many goes do they get? Doesn't have to be new or the same, it depends on my life at that point. But I think having someone whom I have a bit more connection with, whom I know better, feels better than just waking up with someone random. That makes perfect sense. So it's good to have been dancing with them before, right? Yeah. Can you think of the best ever or most memorable dancing

experience in your life? A moment that stands out on that dance floor? There are many, I don't know, maybe the most recent one. Yeah okay tell me some of the most recent ones. We were in Fabric in the beginning of January, there was a good DJ. Fabrik is a club? Yes, in London. What kind of club is it? Describe it for people who wouldn't know. So it's a very big building with three different rooms and we were in one of the larger rooms and there was a DJ performing, coming from Turkey actually.

Are Turkish DJs good? Yes they are. And this is one of the older ones, he's around 60, he was famous even in 90s. Yeah and they played until the morning, I was with a very good crowd of friends, it was the moment which I felt most joyful since my breakup with my partners and I felt so happy I just turned around and told all my friends that this is the day which made me feel so good after my breakups. Oh wonderful. Yeah it had been three months in between. So it took it do you think dancing helped you over that line? Yeah, I think dancing helps with many bad feelings in life

Sometimes our physical motions or physical exercises affect our moods like doing sports or dancing Before that moment, before you felt like, I feel better now, what was those three months like for you? It was hard. Both of the breakups weren't expected, so one of them came out of the blue and the other one was a relationship which I thought it would last lifelong but you know relatively short period of time it just collapsed and it was a hard three months. So you say if you don't mind me asking there was breakups. Yeah.

So two. Yeah I'm fully amorous and I had two partners back then. You say, if you don't mind me asking, there was break ups. Yeah. So two. Yeah. I'm fully Amherst and I had two partners back then. One of them for three years, the other one one and a half years. So. A what? Yeah. And did they, I mean lots of questions now.

Obviously. So they broke up at a different time. They didn't come together. No. And decide, look, we're just going to leave this guy They had a summit, they had a meeting No, so just separately of one another Yeah

Do they know each other? Yeah, they know each other They met through me and became good friends as well Fantastic And there was one month in between the two breakups How does one cope with, I mean, really maybe a silly question, but kind of, is two people breaking up with you different from one? Yes it is, because then you experience two heartbreaks. Oh no. Double heartbreak, yeah, good point.

Polyamory is fun when things are going good because everything is doubled or tripled, but when things go bad, it can be similarly doubled. What do you like? What is a double pained you like? You talked about your dream day before. What is your pain day look like I? Go out for long walks or runs. I try to distract myself

From the thoughts that's making me sad yeah I go out with friends or chat with them or drink with them go on holidays Just keep myself busy and not focus on the bad feelings that I have in me. You need time in these kind of situations and only time can heal such wounds and you have to wait patiently, there isn't much else. What do you think people don't really understand about polyamory? What bit of it do you think people don't really understand about polyamory? What bit of it do you think is invisible to most people? Let me think.

It's a hard question because there are many things that are good, but now you're asking about one which is most invisible. Okay, okay, I found something. but now you're asking about the one which is most invisible. Or it may be... Okay, okay, I found something. The joy of sharing is not something people think about. For example, one of my partner was telling me that, you know, you are such a beautiful human being, I want everyone to get to know you closer.

So she was feeling happy when I was meeting new people, having fun experiences with them, because she was sharing something. That's what she told me. So I haven't heard this aspect from anyone else and I think this might be one of the hidden ones but probably not for everyone because most of people see jealousy as a token of love and they are brought up in a way that they think they have to be jealous and show this jealousy. And if one of the partners isn't jealous, then it means that they don't love the other one. Yeah, then it would be harder for them to be in such a relationship.

How have you learned to deal with jealousy? Because it's something that lots of people struggle with. There must be a process to that somehow. There must it's something that lots of people struggle with. There must be a process to that somehow. There must be a kind of way of making your brain think or training yourself somehow. Well, that training must have happened before I remember or when I was much younger because I was feeling like this even in my first relationship and I had this problem with my first girlfriend she started thinking

I don't love her because I'm not showing jealousy and that led to a breakup actually yeah even in my first relationship I was questioning why we have to be with one person only. What would you say to people who has imagined someone's listening to this? One of the three listeners. That would be good. I'll be one of them, so two other people. So one of the three listeners is listening. Maybe they're in a relationship where both parties were potentially open to the idea of being polyamorous. What would you say to them to help them give it a go? Having open communication about their feelings and expectations is very important.

Even more important than monogamous relationships in which some of them last decades without proper communication. It's impossible in this setting. Try to talk about your boundaries and your expectations and your feelings and if something is making you feel hurt, just process what it is, understand and then share it with the other person so that they know instead of just keeping it in yourself and making it turn into a grudge or broken heart. That's very wise. Do you feel like there's a kind of a societal shift towards polyamory? Do you feel like you're part of something that's growing and should grow? Do you think it should grow? Yeah, I think it should grow because today's relationship frameworks and marriage frameworks,

etc. I don't think they suit human nature. They are social constructs that were built in a different age. Now we are living in a different era, but this is something which are taught to us from a very early age so it takes time and effort to think differently and I think it's growing all my friends living in Berlin she said I just don't have any monogamous friends in my company especially among younger people I think it's growing more because they're more open to change and trying new things and their thoughts aren't shaped by the society for decades, maybe only one decade.

What do your parents think? So when I told it to my mum, she was sad. And I asked, why are you sad? And she said, well, you know, I had different wishes about you. And I said, what? And she said, I was hoping that you would get married and have children. And 10 years ago, when she was thinking that I was monogamous, I already told her that I don't want to get married or have children.

So it has nothing to do with my polyamory. But I am not sure if she got the message because after that we haven't spoken about this. Do you... she doesn't approve basically? No, she doesn't approve but I don't care. You're not trying to change her mind? No. I mean I've sent her some articles from feminist or queer journals about what polyamory is and how this term came to be and why people are preferring this but I don't know if she has read it or she agrees. What about father? No I don't tell him I only told my mother because

she asked me so if my father asks, I would tell him as well. But we are living in two different countries, so I don't share every detail of my life with them anymore. Of course. Are they good parents? Yeah, I feel very, very lucky. When I was a child, I didn't know how lucky I was because I was just child I didn't know how lucky I was because I was just

thinking that everyone's parents must be the same but as I grow up as I hear horrible stories from my friends from the society I understood how lucky I have been. What did your parents do well do you think with you? They didn't try to force me do the things that they want. They provided me space to have my own decisions and of course when you're a teenager some of the decisions are wrong and then you have big discussions about them but if you learn from your wrong decisions they are also valuable so giving me freedom and respecting me are the answers to your question. Yeah that's lovely.

Can you think of a moment of luck that you go back to most? Do you think it's one that really changed your life? Does it have to be pure luck or just a moment which changed my life? Oh yeah, I suppose it could... Well, I tried to do two questions in one. I was greedy. I was greedy. I was greedy. Okay, let's do a moment that's changed your life. Moving to London is the thing that changed my life

the most in the last 10 years. What kind of person is London you? As in what emerged? London you as in what what emerged I Feel like I got to know myself better and Embrace who I am and be more open about myself to the others and I think Living in a state like this affects it definitely because in some other countries or cities The way you are forced to live or the way the city is built gives you a more defensive mindset And then you are more focused on protecting yourself

Rather than being open and also sometimes vulnerable. I See so it got rid of some defenses and made you more open just generally? Yeah. Is that what we're getting from that? I'm guessing it's Italy? No. No, you're not Italian? Oh no! I felt like it was Italy! Yeah, you are not the only one.

Oh no! Okay, I feel really bad now. No, don't feel bad. Should I keep guessing? You can, yeah. I will count your guesses. Okay, let's look at you. I've had a good feeling about this. Is it close?

Yes it is. Switzerland? No. It's the first time I I heard Swiss by the way. I don't know, just thought close. Portugal? No. What can this be?

Cyprus? No, but we are getting closer. Greece? No, but we are getting even closer. Fuck, what's close to Greece? No but we are getting even closer. What's close to Greece? I hope your geography teacher isn't listening to this. What's close to Greece? Greece only has four neighbors. And it's one of them? Yes. I think you have Eurovision now. That's where I get my geography really. Who votes for Greece? Not that Albania? No. I don't even know if Albania and Naples is Greece. They are. Oh good, okay, there we go.

I've got to take my geography wins. Christ, what's next to Albania? Oh, so it's not, is it Turkey? Yes. Okay. Your eighth guess is the correct one. Oh, and you went to see a Turkish DJ. You did give some clues. That's silly me. So what do you miss about Turkey? The weather. Oh, yeah. But it's sunny today. Well, it is, but it happens once a month. Makes it more special. Yeah. Apart from weather.

The nature of Turkey is very beautiful. Yeah. It's mountains, it's beaches, forests, lakes, and also it has such a deep history. So those are the things I miss. And also my friends and relatives. There are many people I love in Turkey, but since the last nine years, I just can't spend as much time as I want. I'm going to... 1 to 10. 1 is light, 10 is dark. What's your number? What would you like? What do you feel like? Light questions? Yeah, it's fine. It's a fine light day.

If you could ask yourself one question and then answer it, could you do that for me? I would rather answer your questions. That's fine. That's fine. Okay. What is the mistake you always make? Something that you've like, you keep doing it. But like, I've done that again. Your kind of fatal, what is your flaw? What's your fatal flaw? It's the seventh beer.

I do it from time to time and knowing that it will be a mistake. But it's very hard to resist after the sixth one. So maybe the sixth one is the mistake. You say you work through the night. Don't tell me what you're doing through the night. But what does that feel like? I like it because the world is quieter in the night and I can work from home with my own tempo, play the music that I

like and also get paid extra for that week so I like it. Fascinating about what this could be that you're doing through the night. Shall I ask more or not? Shall I leave it? Yeah you can. What are you doing through the night then? Working. But why in the middle of the night? Because it's a profession that needs 24-7 staff to work on. And the profession is?

You told me not to answer. You told me not to answer. Wait a minute. What could be... I'm just wondering what a doctor... No. Oh, go on, we're guessing again now. I like a kind of air traffic control or something. I mean, what could be...

I'm just wondering what needs to be through the night. You're working for a different country? No. Okay, maybe we'll just never know. Which I think it would have been. Okay, let's go, let's move on. What's your most memorable... I've only asked this question once for someone else, but I feel like

you're someone that can deal with it. What's your most memorable time of making love in your life? Well, there are so many. I have to pick one. One that just jumps out. There are multiple jumping at the same time. You can do more than one, if you want. But if I need to pick one, I think I could pick the last one, or the first one. The first one because it was special, I was in love, and it's a feeling that cannot be replicated.

And the last one, it was very good. It was with someone whom I was thinking of for some time, then I learned that she was thinking of me as well. Then we met to make our thoughts into reality. And yeah, we were in bed the whole day apart from making some food so yeah, it was pretty good. And that was the last time? Yeah.

That's a very nice one, the first and last. But yeah, daytime lovemaking, that's a good one throughout the day. Yeah, I like it. Do you think people should have sex more in the day? Yes, definitely. I'm not a only daytime kind of guy, but yeah, daytime is good. More people should use their lunch breaks for this kind of activity.

I totally agree. What else should they use their lunch breaks for? If not sex, lunch, what else? Doing sports. Sports? Good point. I go out for runs in my lunch break, I go swimming, spa. You're a real lunch break guy. Yeah, because I have one hour and 15 minutes every day and if I just eat food at my desk, I'm wasting my life. I love that. I feel like you could write the book on lunch breaks now.

But you're really good. Yes, my manager tells me the same. I feel like you could write the book on lunch breaks now. But you're really good. Yes, my manager tells me the same. I once had a joke with a friend of mine, a lovely person, and we joked about having a lunch coach. Someone who coaches you just through lunch and that kind of time of the day, which is quite complicated and quite important obviously. I can leave my business card after.

You could be my lunch coach. Yes. So let's talk about the perfect lunch break. So you eat quite fast I guess, you just don't eat at all? I just buy food and eat at my desk while I work so I don't use my lunch break. Oh I see. So you've got 75 minutes to make absolute pay. And you go and...

Give interviews to... It's all good, you can do that. Amazing. So when you have sex on your lunch break, how do you do that? I didn't... In public? No, no, I'm joking.

Usually when I'm working from home or someone's home. What's on your desk? Pictures? No pictures. Not one? No. You should get one. Well. I'll send you one. If I send you a picture would you put it up? That's in my face. Yes I will. You'll be famous in my office. Worst case I can make it a screen saver. Yeah, yeah. Good point. Good point. Okay, let's do two more questions. Can you deal with two? Let's make it the last one. Okay. The last one is always the same. What are you going to do next? Big question.

I'll just keep what I'm doing, enjoying life. Fantastic. Thank you. Until your heart breaks and you're left with none One half to my sunlight and one for the moon It won't be the last time, I don't know what to choose But I got a gift for working night shifts And dancing eyes closed until I feel it Believing in sadness, I'm waking to joy From millions of people, I was their choice That's enough, open up, this is love Tangled in fabric with somebody new I bring with somebody new

Than having our breakfast in late afternoon I remember my son what and what they would say When a person is special, why hide them away? That is their gift, beautiful vibe shift Not saying I'm poly, ain't hard to admit Believing in sadness, they're waking to joy For millions of people, I was their choice That's enough, open up This is love Mmm, yeah, yeah This is love