Strangers on a Bench - EPISODE 85: Where All The Trouble Lies

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

*Content warning : contains one graphic descriptions of violence*. Tom Rosenthal approaches a stranger on a park bench and asks if he can sit down next to them and record their conversation.This is what happened! Produced by Tom RosenthalEdited by Rose De LarrabeitiMixed by Mike WoolleyTheme tune by Tom Rosenthal & Lucy Railton Incidental music by Maddie AshmanEnd song : 'The Night Before Your Wedding Night' by Matt MalteseStream it here: https://ffm.to/thenightbeforeyourweddingnightListen to all the end songs featured on the podcast (so far) on one handy playlist :https://ffm.to/soabendsongs————————————————————————————Instagram : @strangersonabench Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench, where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? Do you have a favourite day of the week? Can't say I do, really. They're all pretty much the same. Sometimes I wonder which day it is, you know. Do you know what day it is today? I just want to say Sunday, but it's Monday.

There we go. Can you remember the best Monday of your life? No. Can you remember a time in your life when you enjoyed Mondays the most? I've had a few jobs where I couldn't wait to get back on the Monday year. What were those jobs? If you could think of one particular job where you were most excited to get back? The one that comes to mine straight away is I worked in an ice cream factory.

Wahee! And it was all bright and sunny in there, and everyone was sort of happy. It was ridiculous. Why was it ridiculous? Well, it's like a scene from a carry-on film, you know. All enjoying yourself and, yeah. So what was your role in the ice cream factory?

Just chucking all the ingredients together in a big vat and... Hope of the best? Turn the switch and stir it all up. Clean up afterwards. Did it change your relationship with ice cream? Yeah. It was great at first, and you could buy a cheap chest freezer,

brand new, like, for 30 quid or something. You've got, like, four tubs of ice cream every week. All right, you've got to give it as an added bonus. Did you manage to get through these four tubs? No, that's why we bought the freezer. You just left an end of the tubs of ice cream. Yeah. I got stuck by the police one.

I went home one lunchtime with the ice cream. I had to cross this little park. And he was chasing after me. Stop, stop. Anyway, I wanted to see what I'd got in my little package, you know. And I said, well, it's ice cream. What do you expect to find? And he's going, well, it could be diamonds.

Could be any. Well, that's fucking ridiculous. Could be diamonds in the ice cream, I suppose. Yeah, exactly. Maybe that's a place to hide them. No, I go. Talk about police. Is that the only time a policeman has stopped you? No, no.

Oh, you've got, oh, you've had a few? Yeah, I've had a few, yeah. Oh, exciting. When was, I mean, any particular notable ones? Um, the most thrilling one? Thrilling one was, uh, according to, you know, when I got stabbed, I guess.

Okay, right. Okay, can you tell me about that? I was working in a flat decorating. I'd just finished packing all my tools up and that. The flat was empty, it was dead quiet. I heard this little rattle on the letterbox. Rattle on the letterbox? Like someone looking through the flat, you know?

I'll go and have a look at this and I could see no one through the glass, I opened the door and there's a fucking geezer with a knife, a big carving knife and lunged at me. Step in your leg and the buttock. In the buttock? My right buttuck, yeah, a couple of times. and slashed me across the arm, like defence wound, I guess. Anyway, I managed to kick him off, bent the knife in half.

And while he was trying to straighten the blade, so I took my chance, I could run out. And so getting back to the police, yeah. So the police came? I ran into a factory, which was nearby. They turned a tourney care and phoned the police. And then I got whizzed down to the hospital in the back of the police car with a sirens.

and everything going 90 mile or down. Yeah. Yeah, it was wicked. Do you remember enjoying going through the traffic on the police car? I remember sort of going down this hill there. I'm sort of took off. Through the lights, bush.

This is great, you know. And the cop was holding my arm up there. Amazing. By the sounds of it, it sounds like it would have been quite a traumatic event, but you remember, also the joint that knocked it off you know yeah do we know why this particular person had attacked you thought i was having it off with his old missis oh he see that was a reason yeah okay and were you no no okay no no but why did he why did he think it was you because uh which you do so with another

decorator oh i wouldn't be surprised i wouldn't be surprised i wouldn't be surprised so i'm guessing She wanted to get away from him anyway. That was the nuts and bolts of it all. When he was attacking, were you saying wasn't me? No, I was just saying, help. You know, I'm in an empty flat. It's not a stick of furniture or nothing to defend myself with. And he's got his, like, a wacking great long knife,

slashing and stabbing at me like a maniac. Crikey. Yeah, I thought this is it. Up until that point, was that the most in danger you felt? You know, is that a new thing to go through for you? No. I've been in that situation a couple of times. Oh, okay.

He was just like... He was to slashing? Yeah. He didn't care what. Which made it a bit easier to defend yourself or not? Well, yeah, it's frantic. Yeah. That I did think I'd had it because he was not stopping.

Was your life different after that event? I mean, did that... Yeah, oh yeah, changed everything. Yeah, I had to give the job up, obviously. Yeah. You weren't going to go in the next day after that. He could track me down and for a long time after that I was paranoid looking over my shoulder and any sort of noise or it was mad because he'd waited nine months since it was all over sort of thing he found out

because she told him and nine months later he's attacking me in this empty flat you know yeah oh god so you thought oh he could actually to still come back any time yeah he's that sort of How old were you when this happened? Yeah, 28, 29. So you said before you've been in situations where you've also been under attack but in a more calculated manner? Oh, I've had knives held to me throat.

Do you think you go to them, then come to you? It's just situations. It just happened? It just happened. It just happened. It was in a long dret once because it was pouring with rain out. side so he took shelter in this laundrette and this woman was in there obviously

doing a washing and she had like two or three maybe four kids were little kids all running around and we had this flash kit in our little gang and thought he he was the bees and he's a very smart dresser and he objected to all these kids running around his new overcoat whatever it was yeah anyway the mum said say it he said say it back and it was and she left you know really um obviously we left and uh we settled in this cafe and uh next thing there's two bloke's coming anyway was you uh having to my missis, blah, blah, blah. And the

Muffy one, he was sat in a corner, me and a couple of blokes up at the bar. And he's saying, come outside, like for a fight, like, come outside. And he wouldn't go, he was going, no, no. Because he's a big bloke. Yeah.

Anyway, the next thing, a knife slips down his sleeve. Big fucking hunting knife. And he just goes, cut him right over. Oh Christ. And like we're all sitting there fucking horrified, you can they make? Yeah.

Who's next, you know? Oh God. And he come to me, it was right up close. And then he went, I know you, you're so-and-so's brother, ain't you? Now I'm thinking, do I say yes? Does he like my brother? What is going through your mind at that point then? at that point then?

Yeah. Do people generally like your brother? Well, he was a villain, you know, bank robber, actually. Of course they had enemies, there was gangs, you know. I didn't know what, I thought, fuck it. I went, yeah, that's right. I know you won't say nothing, and off he trotted. And I'm, big sigh and let's get out of you.

Hello, doggie. Well, you're nice and soft. So your brother was a back robber. Yeah. Did you ever want to join in? No, that's too young. I said that. They weren't successful.

It's always getting nicked. I fucked out. Wow, so a lot of quite dramatic events, and this is all around the same time of your life? I know. When you think about it, it just as all came, you know, seemed natural to me.

Do people go through life just going to the library and back and work and home and telly? That, what, is it you asking me a question? Yeah, yeah. I mean, some, you know, a lot of people do. Not you by the sounds of it. Do you still have the drama now? Yeah, more domesticated, you know, on it? Oh, I met this old geezer when I came in, like an hour ago.

He ain't got far. Is not? Do you consider yourself an old geyser? Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. When you look at another old geezer, I'd love to know how old is. Really?

Oh, is that the thing? Yeah. Do you want me to go and ask him? You would have, wouldn't you? I would. You know I would. Can I ask how old you are? 75.

75. Yeah, I reckon he's, I think he's early 80s. Be my guess. I thought about, like 84, yeah. I fucking hope so. Is there how age you hope he is? Yeah. So you're looking around?

Well, I talk to some people and they look at their store. Do I look at their store? No, you look fit? I hope so. I mean, I don't look great. I don't know that. How are you feeling? I feel alright.

There we go. Yeah. I've only got half my lungs left. I had them taken out, is that 10 years ago? What's it like to have half your lungs taken out? Actually, no different. Oh, you didn't even need them in the first place? Well, I recommend it to anybody, you know.

But I was never much of an athlete anyway, so... Was that another kind of dramatic moment, the lungs coming out? Actually, it wasn't. It was quite relaxed. Not for me. Yeah. I'm guessing you had some kind of condition? I didn't.

Oh. No. You just wanted them out? No, no, no, no. No, when I retired, But I don't know, it seemed to trigger something in the NHS and I kept getting all these letters inviting me to come to the hospital and have this and that other test. So I thought, why not? And I went for them all.

And then one of them was for lung cancer and pop, I'd got it in both lungs. But it was early stages and they could chop them out. And they did it? And they did it and yeah. And you're still here? Yeah, of course. Fantastic. And I don't feel any different. I mean, I shouldn't smoke still, like an idiot, but I can't help it.

And I enjoy it. I suppose once you got to where you are now, you know, you know, as well enjoy your life. Yeah, exactly, that's my thoughts, exactly. I'd smoked all my life since I was about 10, and I've been expecting it. Everyone's telling you you get lung cancer, and I fucking did. Some geez were in a pub, as he was leaving,

leaving, slurped his pipe, banged it on the table and said, I hope you get lung cancer. And off he went and, yeah, I think he's got what he wanted. He's got what he wanted. I hope he fell down a fucking drain hole. Anyway. So since you were 10? Yeah.

That's early there, isn't it? Yeah, but everybody smoked. Everybody smoked. Everybody smoked. You can smoke on buses in the cinema. In fucking hospital. You could smoke up. It's amazing, is it in hospital?

Yeah. Doctors said they used to say it would be good for you. One advert for cigarettes, tasting in the countryside or somewhere. My life. Yeah. It's absolutely, it's unbelievably criminal, criminally untrue. Yeah, it was coming across to say healthy,

and everybody smoked. Do you think, you know, I'm not going to endorse smoking here? smoking here. Obviously it hasn't been good for your lungs. We know that. Yeah. Has any part of it been good for you in terms of processing things about thinking about things about like if you think about how it's actually like benefited your life? What would you say? Well it's a great stress reliever, isn't it? That's what it is. I can also see it's not necessary. It could be yeah. It could be saying, oh, I got to have a elastic pair around me wrist and just ping it off. Can we do some knitting?

Ever done some knitting? I did once. I did. Oh, you've got to try. Fantastic. What did he do you knit? Do you remember what you knitted? No, it's just straight. You just gave it a go. Once you know you can do it, you don't have to carry on, do you?

Hey? Don't have to knit fucking pyjamas and things. Yeah, yeah. Do you wear pyjamas? Yeah, of course. Fantastic. Yeah, yeah. Do you have a bedtime routine?

What's your bedtime routine? Cup of tea. Oh, that's a cup of tea, fantastic. Take me pills. How many pills are we taking? Probably about six or seven. It's quite a lot of pills. Is that for the lungs or for other stuff?

I take that 32 a day. 32? Yeah. Blasie how. How do you remember all that? I just got them all lined up. Once you, once you, I mean, at what point are you like, that's too many? Or is it a point where I like you?

It is too many now. Because I've got to find the time to take them all day long. sort of popping bills. 32. That's incredible. And they're all doing a job. Well, I guess so. I'm going to stop taking them.

That's for sure. Just in case. Did most of these come after the big operation? Yeah. Yeah, right. And so after this operation, if you would have been dead without it, right? Yeah.

And then you're alive. Did it give you any new perspective on being alive? You'd think so, wouldn't you? The thing is money. It's all down the money. if you've got money yeah you can go and do all this stuff but i ain't so ain't to see her i am walking in the park having a uh smoke yeah i take pleasure from little things in life tell me about these little things what gives you the greatest pleasure of top three little

things go and do me and run down on nature yes yeah it's about it really doesn't but what bits of nature then just seeing what you can see look it's croakest there's just all come up in a little bed. There's a couple of black birds there. I was looking at all the trees the other day, how different they are and how the angles and trees grow in and the bark and, it's just all interesting.

Look at this puggly dog. Looks like he's got a right hump, don't he? It's so true. Chaste the dog. Oh, the dog chased the cat and then... It's funny, isn't it? I'm totally with you. I don't get why you just want a dog

that's like it's constantly frowning. Because they're cute when they're little. Oh, that's that it? They're all cute and cuddly. Yeah. Who's been the most important pet in your life? I ain't in the pets. Never had one?

Well, I have. I had a little Yorkshire terrier. But that was for the missies. I were really interested. We had a cat. She weren't interested. It's just to come and eat her food. And then slinked off in her little room and that was it.

Yeah. That was your, with your wife? Yeah. Are you still together? No, she died 10 years ago. So around the same time as the operation? Yeah, she died the year before. Yeah.

What was she like? She was lovely. What can you say? Very stoic person. It's true what they say you don't appreciate what you got till it's gone and I think that applies to everyone. Of course you could see all those things that were there in the first place, they're there all along and you're so busy whatever. Can't do nothing about that either. Where did you meet?

Yeah, where did we meet? Can I just say it was a dance? think so I don't remember dancing there some sort of club some sort of club yeah did you approached her did he she approached you I went out of her mate first because her mate was dead cane on me and sort of velbered her out of the way I did the dirty honor oh it was another knife incident okay right yeah tell me about that one a few weeks later it was another discotheque we used to go to. I was making me way around there Saturday night. Suiting and booting.

Get stopped on the corner by me, mate. He says, don't go around there. So I'm looking for you. So I turned around and go back. I see him, mate, the next day, he said, fucking hell. He said, he said, Gies around him up against the wall,

my mate, with a knife at his throat. He said she's been messing about with so and so, isn't you? Yeah. Nobody messes her about. And he's going to do. No, I'm not him, I'm not him. Close shave.

Close shave. Yeah, yeah. But I've had that as well before. I love a bloke. Yeah, his car pulled was up. Two blokes jump out and run up to me. He goes, that's my coat you've got on. Was it?

Yeah. It was? Yeah. Somebody had popped his window of his car. A few nights. before and pulled this sheepskin out. Anyway, some days I'd met, he said, do you want to buy sheepskin?

I mean, yeah, lovely. I don't think I had it a fucking week. Did you give it back? Yeah, quick fucking sharp mate. With a knife at your fucking... Yeah, I did, yeah. Oh, and mine, but it was fucking snowing, man. Oh, snowing as well?

Yeah, that's why. Oh, then you were cold. Yeah. It's in my shirt sleeves now, ain't I? So go back to your, how you met your wife, sorry. You were with her friend, but then cheated on the friend with the wife. Didn't really cheat on the other either. I never told her.

I sort of chickened out more like and just started going out with her mate and then, you know, she got her message. She shouldn't have told her. I mean, you know, you ended up with her, so that's good. You ended up with the right one? Yeah, 47 years of us together. It's good going. She doesn't fucking dies on me.

She's just as we're coming up very tired. She would have retired that year and so and me. When you think about her, what images come to Mike? In those times, in those early days. What was her death like? Horrible. She got throat cancer. And she kept saying that she was fine.

It was finally hard to swallow, it's hard to eat. And like I said, she was stoic and she just kept it to herself and months went by and and she ended up like skin and bone man and I never noticed. So we got to the doctors and by it and it was too late. Straight up the hospital and straight in a bed to, like she could die any minute. And she did that a few days later. Yeah. It was a shock, man. Terrible shock. I felt completely lost afterwards. What the fuck am I going to do now?

I've got to have another fag, I'm sorry, you know. You can strike now. Yeah. That's absolutely fine. No problem at all. Good. So after your wife died, did your approach to being a life change at all? I mean, who's she talking to? You're so square, she said. You're so square.

Maybe she's talking to us? No, I don't think she was. You don't seem very square to me. How do you feel about runners? Runners? It's up to them, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I had to go once.

Were you running away with someone with a knife? No, oh yeah, done that. No, I did, you know, with the old trainers and the shorts and all that. Oh, you're good at a go? Nonsense, yeah. Was that last week? For a while. 1980 one or two.

Okay. Yeah. And then this, I was decorating this house. This woman and she wanted, could she come running with me? I said, yeah, sure. Anyway, what a fucking calamity. Run, I could fucking walk faster backwards. So she was slowing you down?

That's slowing you down, yeah, I was walking. How was this in a romantic way? Not right exactly right. Exactly romantic. Sexual, not romantic. So let's rewind a minute. This is whilst you're with your wife still. Yeah, unfortunately. I was working in her house.

And she was saying you're right down. Yeah, man. But that didn't stop you. It did stop me going in the end. It put me right off. But not off her? No, it didn't put me off her for a while because she introduced me to her mate.

And she didn't want to go jogging. there on nothing to do with jogging. So that was how I hung my roots up. Yeah. You might have been some kind of professional otherwise. You could have run many marathons. Well I did enjoy it you know. I wouldn't have been smoking that's for sure. Can we talk about extramarital business? Can I ask you about it? Go on then. You sure you don't know me? I really don't know you. Go on. Uh, can I? Uh, can I ask you how many affairs you've had or is that or is that or is that I try to count up you

oh you did a little think a little moment I constantly trying to work okay they've got a coffee in that bag have you I haven't sadly sorry I've got a tin of fish you got some sardines no I tried a sardine sandwich a couple of weeks ago all right I must have been in the cupboard too long man okay I haven't got a sardine sandwich I've got sardines no you can have to straight from the tin no I've got a fork No. It's put me off, sardines for age. It smelled like an old dust.

Oh, God. Okay, so whilst you're having these sardines, oh no, that wasn't. The other day you were thinking about how many extramarital affairs you have had. Did you count them up? I mean, did you call one-night stand? Yeah, God, it's hard to know, isn't it?

An affair, an affair to me is... Longer than that? A fling and a fair, two different things, I suppose? A fling and a fair, yeah. No, I suppose it, I think it would go, for me, one-night stand is a lot. obviously one night. Fling would be a few nights. Yeah. A fair, a few months?

Long term, yeah. Minimum. Yeah. So can we go, should we do it in that order? Like how many, let's do the three. So how many, how many, how many, how many one night's dance? I would never try to talk that last. Just give me a brief, give me a, give me a, give me a little, what do you think? One night's dance.

What do we think? Five, seven. Five to seven? Not 57. No, not 57. Okay, five to seven. Then we've got flings, how many? Four.

Four, okay. And then a fares? Three. You're going to say 25? No. I'd say one. Okay. Obvious question.

Did your wife know? about any of these? Uh, ones, yeah, once you did. Yeah, what was the outcome of that? Nothing, really. Oh. Well, nothing at all? No, never spoke of it.

So how did she know about it? It was her mate. Okay, right. This wasn't the one right at the start. No, it's a different mate. Yeah. This was later on. And she just said nothing about it?

No. Do you know why? I preferred not to, I guess. Didn't want to know. Do you... She thought it was daft. Do you feel that she might have had similar affairs? No.

Not at all. You're sure about that? Yeah. Yeah. Sure as you can be. Sure as you can be. Yes. I mean, you never know, do you?

Yeah. So how do you, when you look back now, do you feel any... any guilt? Do you feel joy? Do you feel... I feel regret. Yeah. I wish I hadn't. Can you think of why you did? Does that make any sense? Is that an obvious question? Boredom, really. Yeah. You know, say this about most women, once you get a baby, there's been nine months carrying his egg and all this bollocks.

Of course, they're very attached to it. And when it's born, they've got to look after it's so precious. I don't mean to, but men just feel completely left out of it. I know the woman's busy with the kid and the baby who takes a lot of time and effort and all that. And you sort of wander then and then some bird comes up to you and you've had a few pints. And working in people's hours all day, you do get close. Yeah, there's opportunities. Can I ask when you became a parent?

What age were you? 25. So that's 50 years ago. Yeah. That's a very different time. Yeah, yeah. I was a parent at 26. So I get being young and being a parent.

But there's very different expectations now of male involvement. Yeah, yeah. So I was quite involved quite quickly. But I can see how that might be really complicated if you feel kind of pushed out. Sorry, of course you were there at the borough. Yeah. But I wonder if these things actually have quite a big impact. Well, when they asked me, I mean, they weren't a dumb thing.

It was just coming into happening. I sort of undone hard for a bit, and then I said, yeah, all right. And I had to get all gowned up. Full kit? Yeah, full kit. Time they'd done that. She fucking had it. She'd had the baby.

You did you get the kit on? She was sitting up in bed with a cup and tea at a saucer, and the baby was in a crib thing by the window. Yeah. It was all done. I don't know you wanted to be there. Oh well I weren't keen to put it that way. When you first held your kid, how did you feel?

What do you mean? What? When you first held your child, how did you feel? Oh, great. Terrific. Oh, I was proud as a punch, yeah. How many kids did you end up having? I have two.

Boy and a girl. And none of these flings or affairs? Who knows? There could be held there. Who knows? Because I do know. for a fact that two of the women were after having a baby. They was getting to that age, you know.

Okay. So you think outside chance there's other children you've made that are out there today? I think there's a good chance. A good chance even. Give it a percentage. Yeah. 70? Probably, yeah.

Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. And could, if you wanted to, just be annoying here for a minute. Do you know how to find them? I suppose I could. It could be three of them. Could be three of three?

One bird, she was getting married the next fucking day. Okay, right, now that's the story. Well, we sort of made a date. I didn't know any of that before. I just thought I was going out with this bird and getting me the way. At what point did she say I'm getting married in the morning? It was towards the end of the night anyway And so I was

From my trousers on us So do you think there's an outside chance there That she's What's you reckon? She's thought Well, I'm just making sure, you know Double chance of the baby Pregnated by as many as I can before

Get married Get married Have the child with the Yeah, buff And they could have a baby in is your kid It could be any fucking Yeah, including yours. Yeah.

Then you never saw her again after that? No. I think fuck. I could have been murdered in my fucking bed. Lots of places are fast asleep with someone else's bed. Yeah. The old man comes home. And I think about it.

Fuck makes me... The things people do for sex, eh? Do you know what I mean? So, could you find out who this person was and chuck them down? See if you've got these kids out there? Yeah. Yeah. Would you be up for it?

No. Yeah. What if these kids are, you know, doing great things or great people? I'm not interested. You're not interested? Be honest. You would be. Come, you've got to be, you've been showing your own job.

If they knocked on your door... Oh, that's different. Oh, that's different. That's different. Yeah. I ain't going to look for nobody. No, I ain't. Yeah.

Yeah, good luck to him. And she's got a job to do. What, my job? Has you got their work? Do you mean now? Yeah. Is this the job? You get paid for this?

No, I don't. I made money in music. Very lucky to make good money music. So you're just amusing your bloody self? No, no. Well, it's amusing myself, but also people listen. So it's amusing everybody. I say, not amusing.

Some bits are amusing. What? To talk to people on benches? Yeah. Well, it's just an exciting thing, isn't it? There'll be people listening to you now, not to freak you out, all over the world, have never heard a voice like yours or seen anything as a squirrel.

You know, like it heard stories like yours. You know, it's just like opening people's eyes. That's the plan. Yeah, but I wouldn't believe me. You wouldn't believe me. Well, I mean, what do you mean you wouldn't believe you? Well, it's so mad, you mean. But there's these things, as you say, these things happen in life.

did they occur? Well, as I asked you, previous, you do other people, and you said, no, more or less, telly. Oh, well, you just, I mean, I do like that, that's what I mean, I do all these, I do all kinds. There's a big mix. Well, that's okay. I only came out to smoke my, um. To have a smoke?

Yeah, exactly. And instead, you've got lots of questions. No, I know, I'm glad I met you because, you know, I'd just be wandering aimlessly about. Perfect. Which path shall I take? Wish Brath be there. Talk about past taken. Yeah.

Is there a path in your life you didn't take that you regret now? Oh, God, yeah. Go on. I could have married a daughter of a millionaire. Is this one of the flings? No, this is an affair. The affair. You could have married her.

Yeah. A daughter of a millionaire. But you didn't? I'd be made, as I would say. Yeah, but I was a bum. I'd still have. And, you know, I'd just be pretending, wouldn't I? But what would you be pretending at?

Being posh, you know. Oh, I see. Okay, so let's talk about this daughter, the millionaire. How did you meet? Working in her house. Okay. Again. Again, this is...

See, like, this is... It's like the window cleaner story, isn't it? Is that true? And the milkman, you know? No, but there's a reason why... It is fucking true. It course is true. This is what happens.

I think it's deeply believable. I sort of don't believe when I look back. Can't believe that as you? Is that a film I watched Josh, I mean? Yeah, but it's your life. Okay, how? So you were working on her in her house? Was she with someone else at the time?

Was she seen? Yeah, yeah. Married a little boy. How did this affair start? Do you remember? Just typical story. Housewife at home. Kids start school.

Bored shit. There's nothing to do. husband's at work and there you are there I am paint brush in hand yeah working away

start chatting while you have your tea and biscuits all bollocks a lot of fucking chatting not a lot of painting and that's how it started but that at some point

well I just I just come to the end of the job and packed up and said goodbyes and that and as she was going up the stairs I thought it's now and never and I was reached up, touched her arm.

And she spun round and being impressed and violins and yeah. Oh man. I floated away. Floated up those stairs probably. Oh, down there. Next minute. She was naked on the fact it's over. That shook me up.

Yeah, always a bit of romance before a little kiss. Oh, I see. Oh, it was just straight to naked. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, oh. Yeah, it's a paranoid sort of thing. Did you just not do anything then? And I think about it, in my life, it's been a choice of, do I or don't I? Yeah. And you did? Yeah, of course I did. I was unsuccessful because I were only banged two people that morning.

Okay, right. Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, let's rewind me. Okay, okay, let's rewind a minute. What point of the day has she naked on the sofa here? afternoon evening? Morning. Sorry, you can't still be in the morning? Yeah, because I didn't have...

What kind of morning if you've had here? She was naked in the morning? Yeah, about 11 o'clock, I think. But you just said you had already made love to two people that morning. Yeah. So what was that? That's a one-off, weren't it?

The wife in the morning. A wife in the morning, got it. And then... Then ran to the fucking jogger I mentioned earlier. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

And then... What, an hour later? Then go around to the other one to finish off and get paid. Well, that's a... Well, I had to come back to her in the afternoon. That's a morning. Yeah, it was. But then you did make love to her in the afternoon?

Yeah. Okay. I said, I'll come back, right? Wow, what a day. What a day. Clearly you've had some interesting sexual... times in your life. Feel free to back this question away if you want, but I feel we're here now. Any particular sexual encounter you've had in your life that you remember very fondly?

Do you kind of, you know, anyone that you can return to? Our wife. Oh, well, that's, I'm glad. Which encounter? Our wedding night. Although we had sex before, and no, that wedding night was completely, it was a wedding night. And it was, yeah, lovely. Yeah, I can think back to that, just like that. Coming in, nuts of May, yeah, it's just a young and. Looking at the squirrel? The squirrel.

Yeah, yes. Used to have red squirrels up here. They were nice. Yeah. How long ago did they die out of the red squirrels? As soon as the red, the gaze came. Park keepers used to put up notices. I think it was 10 bob a tail.

He'd give you kids. And if you see, well, kids up here with catapults and things. How? Well, to kill the... To kill the grey squirrels. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. But it didn't do the job. There weren't enough catapults.

No. So, wedding night was great. That's good to hear. It's good to hear. And one more question, a couple questions about you, the millionaire. the millionaire daughter. Oh yeah. So then you started an affair after that with her? Yeah, four years.

Four years? Yeah. That's a while, isn't it? Yeah. And so when you say you could have married, it, like, she wanted to marry me. She wanted to marry you? Yeah, good job I didn't, isn't it?

I knew I weren't good enough, all right. Why did you say that? She had no concept of money or anything. I couldn't keep up with it all. Clothes, dining out, every fucking few days. So how did it end with the millionaire's daughter? Oh, like anything, you just start taking each other for granted.

That's the worst thing you can do in a relationship. That's where all these troubles fucking lie. That's where it starts. So you look back at all these affairs, all the moments, which like, Are you saying to me that ideally you would have done none of them? How much regret is there, really? With my marriage. Yeah, they happened outside your marriage that, like, you know.

No, I always looked upon my marriages. The one stable thing in my life I could rely on. That would keep me from my madness sort of thing, if you know what I mean. What would you have been without it? I needed her to keep me straight. Yeah. And she did. She did that.

And yeah, it was selfish. I know. It was like a spring ball to go off and do what I wanted to do. Because she weren't interested in doing fuck all. I think, looking back on it all, she had her child. She had her child. What else was she going to do? What else was she going to do?

Where was she going to go? If she left me, she had no money. She only had a mum who lived miles away and didn't want to know. She didn't want to go there anyway. What's the alternative? So you put up with these things, didn't bother her. That's how I think it was. Thank fuck for that.

So do you think in your heart of heart, do you think there's a good chance that you? you just knew what you were doing. Yeah. Yeah, of course you do. I mean, we know these things, don't I? Yeah. Would you say it's a different, I mean, look,

you were talking about, obviously, a different era as well. In terms of your friends and other marriages you knew about, was it kind of fairly generally like a done thing? Yeah. Across the people you knew. Yeah. And it gets icky when you took it to your mates. Yeah.

Yeah, there was all that. Yeah. Of course it did. chance. How'd you get on with your kids now? My daughter died a couple of years ago. I was estranged from her for 25 years. I get on alright with my son, although it's turned a bit awkward lately because, and now I don't want to say no more. Okay. Oh, we're all right. I just want to be on my own. Now I've got to this age. I mean, they ain't got long to go, I know that.

And ever since I was like 15, I've had to do something for somebody else. I've had to be a worker, I've had to be a husband, I've had to be a father. I just, I want to find who I am. I want to get back to who I could have been. I don't know. It's in there and I need to draw it out before I fucking die. I need to be on my own. It's life, honey. I think this is what, this is my life. How could I be anything different, eh?

How can you be anything different? How can you not be sitting doing this? You just have to. Very true. I mean, what would you be doing different? Hey? Yeah. You already look at a tight of it.

be out on a fucking oil rig and then I'll see you know. Maybe that's what's next for me? Yeah. You think I couldn't pull it off? No, I couldn't. You've got it right. You've got it right. I would annoy people by talking to them all the time.

I have all these toys and things these kids got nowadays. Yeah, there's so many, aren't those? They've got things you clip on the pram. On the pram, yeah. And it rocks this one, and it rocks the pram, don't it? Oh yeah. Yeah. It's great.

It's called a rocket. leave it unattended for a moment while you go and do this. So you put the rocket on. So you put the rocket on and it's just a comforter. And I think there's another setting on it where it is... How do you know these settings so well? It's sort of... Because I've got a five month old baby living with me at a moment.

You've got a five month old living with you? It's a grandson, yeah. Your grandson's living with you? Oh, lovely. Yeah. How many grandchildren do you have? Six. Oh wow.

So this is your sons, your sons? My sons, yeah. Oh, wonderful. Yeah. What's it like? Be your way your good grandfather? Yeah, I'm all right. Keep out of the way.

You must have some encounters if it's in your house. No, because I smoke, see. Oh, I see. That's where you've got to be in the park. Yeah. I sort of pray for the sunshine, you know. I do too. It's hard to talk to people on benches when it's raining.

Oh well, I'm fucking staying at a bus stop while it's busy. all the rain, you know, just to have a puff. So this is like having an ice cream. So having an ice cream, exactly. Will you have an ice cream today? No. What do you eat, by the way? What do you eat now?

You don't mean you used to like your sardine sandwich, not anymore. Yeah, no, I'd still like one, but he's got to be a nice one. My son and his, Mrs went to Portugal, I think, of Sardinia. Anyway, come back with a tin of a frock bar. Cylidines are an Ava. I've got a really nice brand of sardines in my bag. Would you like one? Consider it a payment for your time.

Oh, good then. Maybe it was destiny that I would get two packs. That's for you. Oh, thank you very much. It's really tasty. And I love them in olive oil. There you go. It's called Sea Sisters.

It's the UK's only cannery. They're still doing that sort of thing. See, that's what I used to love when I was young. You could go out and get a job any day. If you didn't like it, you could pack it up in a morning and go get another job for the afternoon. Yeah. And I've done it.

And, you know, some interesting jobs. There you go. You could maybe get a new job in a canary? Well, it made me think of when I worked in a distillery with all the bottles and all that. It was interesting to see how, It was all done. So I used to squash all these raisins up for ginger wine.

And when you undid the press, they came out like sheets of cardboard. They were so they ended up in Garibaldi Biscuits. Yeah, it used to tickle me. It's just to make me laugh. What's the quickest you've left the job? About half an hour. What was it? I don't think it was even that.

I was supposed to be the manager of this warehouse. Anyway, I got the job, gets there. And Guy and introduced to this kid in the warehouse, and he's like, got the asshole, and marched off. And I thought, ah, because he's been here for years and they got the job, you know. I'm looking for. man and I think, well, what am I supposed to fucking do?

And I'm freezing cold, we've got these shutters up and out. I said, I'm going to go and get a jumper and my motor outside. Spock right out was it. He goes, you can't go out, you have to ask permission. I thought, fuck that. I've been working on my own life for 20 years, I ain't? I can't even cross the road. I crossed the road.

I've crossed the road. You go, I'll fuck off. Simply we're toasting a squeeze of, yeah, squeeze a lemon, me. Do you mean these sardines look good? You're checking them out. Do you approve? Yeah, I do. Thank you very much.

Fantastic. Candid Dorset. It's got batch numbers. Best before January 28. There you go. You've got a couple of years to polish them off. What's this?

The Pineapple Estate. Bridport. I like everything about it, even the address. Good. Thank you very much. Thank you. Absolute pleasure.

Absolutely. I really hope you enjoy them. I will. Can I ask you a difficult question? Go on. Can I tell you about your daughter? Go on. So you're estranged from her for 25 years?

Yeah. When she died, were you no longer estranged or were you still estranged? Well, when my wife was put in hospital, like I said, she died within a few days. I felt obliged to phone her in case she wanted to see her mum before she died. And she just thought how everything was forgiven and bowls up at the hospital with five fucking kids in tow. Which was completely not what we were expecting or mum wanted. She, like I said, thought everything was okay and I didn't say it wasn't. I just sort of went along with it all.

But there was no affection there on my part, yeah. It's weird. But then at some point she died? Yeah, about two years ago now. Yeah. A fellow bugged off and it really broke her. I think that really cut her up. And she started drinking and he couldn't have her around man.

She was trouble and drugs and that's what done her in. I mean, that was obviously going to happen. Were there any kind of, I don't know, were there any kind of things that you might have done differently as a parent? Or is that out of your control? I mean, what can you do when your daughter runs off with a bad person? Plus, she nicked all my clothes and all my gear and everything, and buggered off in the night, so to speak.

I was heartbroken. It was like she died. And I did all my grieving for her that year. And after that, I just didn't think about her. She just meant nothing to me. So she just, she took your stuff and left, is what you think? Yeah, going off with this fellow. Okay.

That's it. And so that was it? That was the start of the 25 years. Yeah. It bumped into her once or twice. Once she just scooted away. Another time she just waved to us. He was in a supermarket.

Carried on walking, I thought, fuck it. What was she like as a kid? What was your relationship like then? Oh, it was terrific, you know. She came to me when she was about 12. This is one of my first regret as a parent. and asked, could she have a boyfriend? And she's standing there with her mate,

that's the same age or maybe a bit younger. And they're both giggling and that. And yeah, I thought to myself, you know, it's daft. And I thought it was going to be like a little boy. I said, yeah, all right. But it weren't. And it was this dopey. When I see him, he was right dopey looking.

And I thought, real, he's fucking. fucking harmless. How wrong can you be? Anyway, he started her on a sex path. That went on for a few years and then she met this geezer who used to work for me and I know all about him and known him for years and he was married. He was a lot older anyway. But there you go. So what you're saying? So what I regret is saying, yeah, you can have a boyfriend. Because I they were so young and it was just going to be silly. I said, yeah. But I took my eye off the ball and I was having an affair.

That I regret. What do you think to be the greatest day of your life? Having my first kid, I guess. I felt great then. I felt great when I come out. I've seen 2001 a Space Odyssey on the big screen. and sat right in the front there I was high on the LSD. I'd taken a load.

Me and my mate sat there. I could not fucking believe in. It's a film. Don't know if you've ever seen it, but. You know what, I haven't? That's going to say, I've got to go and watch it now. You'll go and watch it up front on the fucking... Big screen?

Big screen, man. With some LSD as well, should I joke ahead? Yeah. Might not. I'll have a puff or something. Yeah. There's that and the birth of your child. That's great combo.

Two great days. How have you found the experience of talking to a stranger on a bench? All right. It's, yeah. Been okay? Sweet. Good. Any glaring misses?

Would I like to lend his money? How about that? Should I ask you that? I'll just whip it out. Oh, no good with money, is this? It'll be waiting on you anyway. What do you mean? Do you mean?

You just said you know good with money? I ain't. I don't cover money I've never ever. It's my fucking got none. And you would only go on a cruise. I mean, do you need a cruise? Not really. You can't get off, can you?

There you go. If you don't like it. Exactly. No, I was all. I tried sailing once. Can't even fucking swim. You know. Now, and then I went on a big yacht.

And it weren't until I had to go below. decks oh man I feel fucking sick oh I never felt so ill in my life it was all I could do to climb a steps get up oh that's made me feel queasy thinking about it you're back on that boat now well spun around man how did you end up on a boat my brother wanted to try it you know same as the bank robber one different one no no no he wouldn't he was scared of the sea fucking hell He only died a couple of weeks ago. Oh shit.

Were you close? Not really. He was a loner and all. What do you want your funeral to be like? Oh, I don't give him monkeys. Take it and get burnt and, yeah, no, much it did, that's it. Do you want your ashes scattered anywhere in particular? Chuck them up here.

Yes. We'll put some on this bench. My mum's on a bench up, but... Parliament Hill fields. Oh, fantastic. Did she like that particular bench? Yeah. Oh, great.

Well, did have to now. See, that's where she is? We was doing it all 30, like, you know, sitting on the bench. So were you on the bench when you scattered Hershey? Or did just scatter them around. You sit first, you just scattered them around. We did scatter them around. Such things are all right, yeah.

Yeah. Is it best to scatter them? when I was taking there in my mum's first we were walking through these little cops and I thought yeah this is nice as I started and then I thought no she's probably never been here

quickly back in the jar so I made it to the bench and I scattered the rest so I've forever after been thinking you know she wondering where that oh where's my arm then you got to give clear that means you got to give clear instructions for whoever's scattered your rash is

and what I do like is that idea of going up in the rocket and then exploding then that's fun scattered in space yeah that'd be like star dust yeah it does appeal like fireworks well thank you very much talk to me you're welcome thank you for the distraction it's been a lot of everything a lot of things I won't forget in a hurry that's for sure and neither of you no it's all bollocks you know I just make it happens I go look. I love it if you've just invented an entirely different life. That'd be amazing. In a way that would be equally as impressive. I'm on stage, mate. This is by act. Yeah, this is it. I'll just shutting it up. Last question. What are you going to do next?

Who knows? They'll be moving out soon. I'll be all on my own and I can do what I want. I haven't had that chance yet. I was getting close to it and then they moved in and it all went to pot. I can't even find a fucking salt and pepper now. I don't know which cupboard it's in. I don't know where these sardines are gonna go. I better eat them fucking straight away. I reckon to eat.

I reckon eat the sardines today. And then you'll feel better about, you know, you'd be like, that's a good day. I talked to a guy on a bench, got my sardines for lunch. Yeah, wicked. day. I'll have a tomato with them and all. Well thank you so much for your time. It's been a pleasure and I've got some sardines. Fuck me. I won't believe this when I go home. I met a bloat up the park and he gave me a tin of sardines. So you're getting married you could have said before we did that we kissed and we're

wept on time we bar like two strangers in a plain crowd now the sea we love I've had some years to find some peace I heal very well that's the nature of grape mines like a bat from hell you flicker past my mind better left unsaid the misty's and I I'd rather leave it there and thank before you