Strangers on a Bench - EPISODE 98: Realistically I Should Be Dead

Episode Date: July 27, 2026

*Content warning : this episode contains references to suicide and drug use., Tom Rosenthal approaches a stranger on a park bench and asks if he can sit down next to them and record their conversation.This is what happened! Produced by Tom RosenthalEdited by Rose De LarrabeitiMixed by Mike WoolleyTheme tune by Tom Rosenthal & Lucy Railton Incidental music by Maddie AshmanEnd song : 'Never Say Die' by Ye VagabondsStream it here : https://ffm.to/neversaydie-soabListen to all the end songs featured on the podcast (so far) on one handy playlist :https://ffm.to/soabendsongs————————————————————————————Instagram : @strangersonabench Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello. Sorry to bother you. Can I ask you a slightly odd question? I'm making a podcast called Strangers on a Bench, where essentially I talk to people I don't know on benches for 10 or 15 minutes. Are you up for that? Do you want to give it a go? You ready for the first question? Okay, hit me, yeah. What's your favourite day of the week? Have to be like Thursday. Beautiful. For what it's worth.

I also agree with you on the same. You ain't at the beginning, but you ain't at the end. You know the stuff you haven't done, and you've got enough time to do it, but then also there's also enough time to where you can be like, I don't have to do it right now, I can do it on Saturday. Before it's the end of the week.

So yeah. Okay, let's go for like a Thursday. You don't have to do whatever you do for money on that particular day. Yeah. What would make a perfect Thursday for you? Oh, okay. Weather as well? Yeah, you can choose the weather.

I let you decide the weather. And you know, take me from getting up, take me from getting up all the way to go into sleep. Get up, cup of tea. What time we go, waking up? Maybe like nine o'clock. Lovely sunny morning, the sun's coming through. Any clouds in the sky at all?

Maybe a cup of a really puffy cloud. Oh, yeah. Cartoon, like in The Simpsons. Yeah, yeah. You have a cup of tea and a sig, relax. What kind of tea? Builders brew, man. Two sugars, I like a sweet tea in the morning. It's really bad.

Have you always had that? No, I've developed kind of a bad sweet tooth recently. Just research, so do you think? That it's been recently, I say the last year, really. Okay. I used to spend a lot of time in Spain. That was where my cup of tea and a sig in the morning, don't drink coffee. And then it was like, oh, I want to feel like more at home.

I started adding two, and then it was like, just got addicted to that sweetness of it. But yeah, wake up. Addictions. We'll go on to other addictions. Yeah, addictions are not good. Where does your two sugar addiction rank in your list of potential addictions? Oh, that's low. Oh, there's more? Yeah, there's a lot of other bad, like I've got a very addictive personality to stuff.

That's right down at the bottom. Yeah. Leasteportization. Can you think of the even lesser addictions than two sugars of the tea? Two sugars. On the other ones? Having a natural thing of just over-thinking. The overthinker.

Yeah. When I have a smoke, that gets worse. Oh, of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so that's an addiction. We're racking them up. Anyway, back to the third. Let's not be too off course here. Two of course here.

We've only got to tea. Only got to tea. Are you looking at when you have your tea? Yeah. Oh, by the way, when you take in the sugar, have you got a little cubes like in a cafe or? Teaspoons. And then I get dressed, on a quick shower,

get dressed, come for a walk around the heave. Every day, without fell, go for an hour walk. Okay. So you do that anyway? So this is a line. We're talking about an ideal day now, but you would do this anyway. I do this anyway. I have to go for a walk.

So a big walk. Big walk. I've got really bad ADHD. So headphones in, walk around. It's quiet, I can vibe, I write down in my diary, all the stuff I have to get done for the week. For me, that's a perfect morning. It's just chill. And then you go home and then you start the endless list of stuff you've written whilst you're

sitting over the heat feeling really motivational about the day. So you've written stuff you're going to do in that day? For the week. Is that what you were doing when I approached you? I'm writing down what I'm going to say. I handed in my notice to work the other day. Huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well done. So, yeah. Let's get to that. Let's deal with a Thursday first. So we're banking that. Should I tell you what I've banked already so far? We've banked addiction. Yep.

Sounds like there's some more addiction-y bits there. Then we're banking you handing your notice. Yeah. So I will come back to those. Yeah, yeah. We're etching those in. There's going to be a lot more. You're in for a treat, ma'am.

Oh, here we go. Let's see how much retreat this is going to be. This is intriguing. Especially for a random person you walk up to. My story is very interesting, I would say. Did you use to put three sugars in? Yeah, yeah. It was wild.

It was insane. You should flick it in. Just down the shoulder. Three sugars guy. So, right. You always have you walk around, you write in your book about what I'm going to do that day. Yep.

But how on this is, we're talking about your ideal day. here. You can have a nice time. Walk around the heave. Walk around the heave. Go on SkyScanner. Other airplayed apps are available. That is very true. You look across the board for nice, cheap flights to destinations and you're like, sod it, book it. And then ideally you just go straight to the airport and go over holiday. That day, for that day. That day. And they come back that night. Depending, depending if I need tobacco or not. If I'm just doing it as a tobacco run, It's cheaper to go to Europe to buy tobacco and come back the same day than it is to buy it in the shop for a week or month.

Yeah. What are you like in an airport? What is your airport strategy? Fast track security, straight to the lounge. Because you spend 20 quid on lounge pass. Whoa. So you always go to the lounge? Because the way, the logic behind it is you'll spend 20 quid in Webberspoons or Burger King. And you only get one meal, but you go to a lounge. You get unlimited drinks, buffet-style food. And it's quiet. And then you just, I'm, make sure to have like four or five drinks, four plates of food. So then I'm like, I'm stocked up and I always take a little flask and tip the beer into that so you can have it on the plane.

Save yourself another seven euros. Wisdom. Wisdom. So you do have an airport strategy, I knew it. So the Thursday is, but you're, I feel like this is a bit disjointed because you've written down stuff in the morning about what you're gonna do that day.

Oh, but that's the, And then you've just gone on a plane. Okay, yeah. Perfect Thursday. No other days of the week connected. No other responsibilities. Wake up, tea, walk, write down, write how I feel, write down a plan for stuff I need to get done.

I've got now 12 hours left of the day or 13 hours to do whatever I want. It would be book a flight to like Nice. Spend the day there, eat some nice calamari, cheap wine. Then fly back. Get a taxi home. Go to bed. Calamari and wine on the south of France. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe you should do it. Maybe it's destiny next Thursday. I'm going away next Sunday, south of Italy. Going to Bari, Barry? Barry. Barry? Barry.

Do you got any friends called Barry? I've got an uncle called Barry. Of course. Yeah, we've got an uncle's name. Are we close to Barry the uncle? Not really. Oh. No, no.

No. What have you not done? No, I'm just not. Whose fault is it? It's not really anyone's fault. It's just a joint thing. My life has been very crazy. I've like done a lot of stuff to myself.

I'll give you a little, so I broke 39 bones in my body. I used to BMX in my younger years. Got hit by a car five and a odd years ago, shout out my right leg, broke two teeth, inside fractured my upper, lower spine, two broken ribs, shot my eye socket, broke my score in four different places, bleed in the brain, I've flatlined twice.

And that was only over the last 10 years. That was it last week. Yeah. After all that, then I got into modeling and acting, got into that four years ago, and then lived a crazy life for the last three years, and then last year my best mate killed himself. And I just went downhill quite quickly

and pulled back from everything I do, and now I started a festival store business doing airbrush toes and custom t-shirts. That does it. It's be done. Perfect. Perfect. No, I'm joking. Okay. Hang on. On the last thing you said, did you say airbrushed toes?

Airbrushed tattoos. Sorry, okay, right, fine. Airbrush toes, yeah. I was like, you're airbrushing people's toes at festivals. I mean, that is, I mean, someone's got to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, airbrush tattoos. Like temporary airbrushed toes and custom t-shirts.

And yeah, it's quite lucrative and quite fun. Okay. Okay, this is beautiful. This is beautiful. Is it interesting of your thing about writing? and needing to write stuff every day and what that means to you. Can you tell me where and how that started and why it is so important? I used to hate writing. I have really bad ADHD and dyslexia.

I used to have a speech impediment growing up where I used to have a really bad stutter. And then one of my punishments as a kid was I would have to write lines. What in school? No, at home, when I was like I used to swear quite a lot when I was a kid. My mum used to hate it. used to make me write lines in a book being like, I must not swear, I must not swear. And then as I got older, I kind of like, I always wanted to, but it was more because I'd never understood my brain. I never understood why I didn't enjoy doing it. So when I got hit by the car,

I couldn't walk for a year. I spent like six months just laying in bed. And there was so much stuff going on, especially with ADHD, that I learned by writing it, I can let go of it. It helps me process all the stuff. And I feel like writing is such a great exercise. for the mind. The same way, like, if you say something to someone, it's been said, you're like, oh, I've said it, it's done. I feel like, but that's the same with writing, rather than just thinking it.

Once it's out, your hands done it, you feel like you process it more. And it's also just a nice personal diary or journal for yourself to look back on over the years. Like I have, like, diaries for the last four years, when I feel like I'm not doing well within myself or well within my life, I look back at the goals I set myself back then, and I'm like, fuck.

that 21 year old version of me would not have believed where I am now. And that gives me such a drive to be like, oh no, you are doing well. Or you're not a failure. You've done way more than you said you were gonna do years ago. Beautifully said. Yeah. I'm interested in why after the accident,

the car, the car, hit you. So you hit you or you in the car? So I was BMX in going down Hampstead. The guy didn't see me turn right, I can show you the video, turn right and just, I went straight into him. There's a video? It's a world GoPro. Oh, wow. Do you want me to see it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's see. I mean, just before you watch this, what does this mean for you to watch this? Do you like, does this not, like, I don't want to like retormitize you? This is what's made me so comfortable with talking about. I was, I battled with this for, for years, but I can't change it. I'll never be able to get rid of the memory of it. I see stuff in images.

By doing this, you know, I'm so comfortable with the idea of that I have crashed and that whizzies, it's part of me. Okay, so let's go, where should we go from? Okay, so you're... Coming down. So you're coming... Oh, there we go. And then right here, where I stood up and dropped, then I'm screaming, okay, give you a little bit of audio.

Oh no, I don't know if I want to do. Do you want the audio? Oh God, do you want the audio? No, no, no, no, no, no. Honestly, I've shown people and they've gone, I will never forget that. It's like, oh, okay, that's good. That's good we didn't hear.

Yeah, yeah, it's, um. Hang on, so you were going pretty fast down there at that point. Not a little bit, but under the speed limit on a pedal bike. And I took him to court and everything, so he got found driving about due to UK and attention. And yeah, he just turned out in front of me and I had no chance. to stop and either way it was just like the impact was inevitable and it was just whom.

Do you know that feeling your stomach when you get throat like you kind of go over like hill too quick and you go who when it feels it. I felt that. Prior to that I crashed four other times in skate parks. One time my wheel slipped out. I went up, came back down. Thankfully I had a helmet on this time. Helmet hit the metal coping. I came down, smack my back. Fractured my lower spine And then inside I fractured my C-7, knocked myself out. I got up and literally, frankly, there was an ambulance passing by. I was like, fuck, it's in so much pain. Kind of pulled myself out the bowl, laid down and then had a seizure.

But by that point the ambulance had come. I got defibrillated, coming back in and then they put a neck brace on me because they were scared for my spine. I said my spine was hurting. Put me onto a thing and then I had another seizure and then flatlined. flat-lined. Flatlining is when your heart's stopped. Your heart started as someone to shock you back into life.

Yeah, defibrillate you. And even that experience in itself is like that feel of electricity just like kind of halt your eyes open and it's like, wakey, waky, whoa, what happened? Right? And I've had a couple of these moments where like if I would have let go myself and mentally would have said, no, I'm done. I could have drifted off in a heart. in a heartbeat.

But every time I was like, no, I've got more to give to this world than just to die here. I made sure to keep my brain going. You're good, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good. And just push myself. I'm a cat with nine lives that I should, realistically, I should be dead. Sorry, it's just kind of brought up some stuff for that. I feel like I've never properly processed.

That's kind of nice to have this conversation about, sorry. It's okay. No apologies needed. You went from one crash to another there. Yeah. There were two crashes. Four. That we were dealing with.

So the one we were dealing with initially was the one going down the hill and you stood up. Why did you stand up? So BMX and skateboarding, whenever you crash, run it off. Literally get up, run it off, shake yourself. You're like, no, I'm fine. fine because if not that shot will like it will mess you up and by that point I'd crash countless times and I was just like yeah run it off and fine and then yeah stood up and I was like oh no oopsie I think we messed up this time it's bad so

that was five years ago that was yeah and so this was the crash that got you writing yeah and how quickly after the crash were you writing yeah I feel like I never, I didn't really have a strong support circle around me after the crash. So then, why is that? I was 18 when it happened, I was 17, my birthday was two weeks later. I know when it was through COVID, none of my friends really came to see me apart from one. Why? Because it's that thing of like, like who's a true friend?

Like, like, your moment and need, the ones that are really there for you will show themselves. And I had only two mates out of like quite an extensive friendship group that were there at my house every day. I can't walk. I'm on morphine and codeine, just sleeping majority of the day and I'm just annoyed. And then it was like, yeah, I just started writing stuff down. And it was kind of like letting out some anger and stuff that I had about the crash and people around me. There was a little spark inside me of like, oh, this is kind of fun. Because it's like no one else would ever see it. It didn't have to be neat handwriting.

My spelling wasn't critiqued by teachers. So it was like, I actually enjoy this now. But yeah, and then over the year I got better at it and, or understanding what I really wanted to write. Then I found the benefit. I was trying to understand myself, I think, it's the biggest part of it. What things make me who I am the best way. Yeah. So this is a really actually, like the time you spent with yourself in this year was pretty pivotal.

Oh, massive. It completely changed. I would not change any of my accidents at all. When I'm 16, I'm going to be in so much pain. so many problems in my body, it's some real. But I wouldn't change it for the world because I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for every single one of the moments

that have led me to today. If I would have never smashed my two front teeth out when I was 13, I wouldn't have been bullied in school for four years. I wouldn't have been insecure and had so many insecurities about myself that as a person I would have been now would have just been some cocky, egotistical guy

that would be horrible and that I would hate. So I'm like, I look back at it. I'm like, oh no, thank you. Thank you for bullying me. Thanks for taking the piss about my teeth. I really appreciate it. Like, genuinely, I appreciate it. You got back in touch with it, though. By the way, thanks for bullying me. No, I see them walking down the street and I'm there like,

I'm proud. You sell drugs. I go and party and travel the fucking world. It gives me a drive. It pushes me to be like, I'm going to show you all those times you bullied me, that didn't mean Jack. In that year following the accident in which you, I'm sure, we need to find different words for the different accidents. I'm going to call down the hill the notebook accident. The notebook accident.

The notebook accident. I like that. The other one we've learned about is the flat line. Flatline one. Yeah. The teeth. Flatline one was after the teeth one. So the teeth one was, I was 13.

It was a... First big one, the teeth one? Famous teeth. Famous teeth, yeah. Faulting, yeah. The bleed in the brain. Okay, 14 bleed in the brain. 15 was when I done that.

The collarbone. Then I had surgery, fixed it, and then the same day, after three months I was allowed, cycling home from the skate park, literally first day back, hit a pothole, crashed, and then I bent it. And then they were like, do you want to have another surgery? I went, no.

And now I'm massively regret. I'm not actively regret because I've got dodgy collarbone and it messes me up modelling. Messes your modelling up? Yeah, because no one wants a dodgy collarbone. Yeah, because you can see it on T-shirts and then also because of it, my head naturally leans to the right a tiny bit. So there was- Not good for modelling, no? No, because it looks so stupid on camera.

Oh, do you might be the first model of had on a bit? Excited and you know what the beautiful thing? It means absolutely nothing. Yeah. It means fuck all. No one knows you look like. No. Is that beautiful?

Yeah. That's the dream. That's the dream. You can just talk. And it's like people build their own image. And now they've got quite good image of your protruding collarbone. Yeah. Messing up your photo shoots.

And they're going, can you put that back in? Please, please. Can you just turn that down a bit on the collarbone front? I lost a job because of it once. I was like, okay, bye, thank you. Nice day out. Anyway. So it goes like this.

Yeah. Front teeth one, 13. Then we're going collarbone. Oh no, hang on. What were you missed? Bleeding the brain. Bleeding the brain. Sorry. The famous being the brain, we missed that one.

Yeah. Collarbone 15. 15. 16 was the spine. And then. Which is the flatty boy? That's the flight boy. And so that was what the fourth one?

They all get really merged. It's fucking. You know you've had a lot of crashes where they all get a bit merged. Yeah, we look, there's, then, then, where's the next? So the other, yeah. That was. Oh, so this is the photo of you. I mean, that's a beautiful photograph.

That was a shattered eye socket. You look at an absolute mess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obvious question here, really, is, did anybody say, listen? Enough is enough? Yeah. Yeah. And why didn't you listen to them?

I mean, it's a very good question. I mean, it is a very good question. It is a very good question. I mean, there's no real, real clear answer to why. I don't know why I didn't. I just was like, I had such a passion for it. Like BMXM was my release out of everything. Because of the bullying, I'd leave school,

jump on my bike, and my jumping down, fucking stairs, doing crazy tricks. That thrill just took everything away for me and just made me feel like, oh, I'm so, like, I'm happy. Every time I crashed, I was like, well, I crashed, I've recovered, fix the bike, carried on going. But then the car crashed before it was like, okay I'm 18 now I've just got into modeling maybe I should stop and then took too long to recover

and then by that point when you're a kid and you're like oh it's fine no fears carry on going I'm invincible I kind of started to wear off and I started to feel a bit more like maybe I should think about the other 50 years in my life not just the first 20 so you have stopped now yeah yeah I have it I have it taken apart on my bedroom wall. Oh, that's clever. Yeah. So it's such a big part. What was that last, what was the last ride?

I've never rode that bike again, the one that I got hit on. The notebook crash. The notebook, but it was the same frame and back wheel. It had been through three crashes with me. And like, it'll never go, I don't think. I think like even when I'm older, like my son would want to get into BMX, I would definitely get back on one with them. Because that adrenaline rush, when you're just like, you're flying around, jumping over fucking corners, it's like, I know if I break my leg again, I lose it.

And it's kind of like, I like that risk. I work well, being uncomfortable. I've got to be under pressure. Deadlines and just like, bang. Kind of, I've got no other choice. Yeah. So at some point, it went away for good. It's now on your wall.

It's on the wall. It's on the bedroom wall. It's on the bedroom wall. Literally. I always have it. What else is on your bedroom wall? Give me a bedroom tour. Bedroom tour. Four six foot tables down the side of my bed. Right? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. For the festival business. Oh, of course, right. They're like folded feet. Oh, okay. They're folded away. Yeah, folded away. Sorry, they're not out. I was just like, what the hell?

Yeah, massive room. What is it? It's a ballroom. They're just down the side. And then you've got all the display boards, chester drawers. big nice mirror and then a clothes rail with all the stylish clothes on to make him easier. I'm very picky with my clothing. And then you've got two gazebos shoved up against a wall. So it's just basically like a mini festival stand packed up in your room. All packed up, yeah. And then you've got...

Is that a bit like how can you switch off from work? I don't. When literally your room is your work in your face. It's not that far off basically if you work as an office, sleeping in an office. Yeah, yeah. I run my company by myself. There's no other owners, there's no one else that works for me. I do all the admin, all the account, everything. But I'm always doing science. I never switch off. My brain doesn't work like that. Unfortunately, I wish it could. There must be times you switch off more than others.

So for instance, it's like, you do an hour walk. Yeah, but I'm still thinking. My brain works in such a, not a messed up way, but it's constantly, I've got such bad ADHD and I don't agree were taking medication for it. Because it's me, I'm going to have to deal with it at some point in my life. I might as well just get used to it and work with it. I just embrace it. And I'm like, well, let's just work.

It's built sign, builds up. Because once it's all built and I've got it all done, then I can relax. But then once I do everything, I need to get done, most probably have a day before my brain goes, oh, let's start something new and then go on a whole new deep dive.

I fucking, last summer, I went, why don't we add a new niche to my, to my business. Let's do custom D-shirts through like 10 grand at it and it just got way out of hand and then now I've got now balance in two separate businesses that I'm trying to converge into one

is just a mental nightmare so you've been working in a pub yep on and off for six years in what particular role? Super light of and so how did you handle the notice how was it done? Truthfully I had a bad mental week and then I went to go

What is a bad mental week? A lot of stuff with the business went wrong and then like relationships went a bit tits up. Relationships, sir. I mean, relationships with people. Right, okay, sorry. But in particular there was like, there's one particular one. Yeah, yeah. With a romantic partner or friend?

Romantic partner. Okay. Better now, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. We're on holiday next weekend. Oh, there we go. Yeah, yeah. Debari.

Yeah, yeah. But not with Uncle Barry. Not with Uncle Barry. No, no, no. Yeah. By the way, what would, I mean, if Uncle Barry did go with you to Barry, do you think he would be a bit of a buskill? Yeah, he's a wet, he's a wet wipe. He's a fucking wet wipe. He's like, he, oh, poor Uncle Barry.

Poor Uncle Barry, but. You'd be roasted at this. So, good news, you fix it up with said romantic partner. So how were we, so how were we, I got, you're having a difficult, I had a difficult week and then I went away and I realized I've been wanting to quit this job for years. But yeah, last Tuesday, I just went in. I was like, look, thank you so much everything you've done. Really appreciate it.

This job is stressing me out way too much. I've got too much stuff on my plate already. Yeah. So I'm just, I'm done. And how did that feel? Great. Honestly, the best decision I could have made. So now you're just your low ranger with your businesses?

Yeah. I've got very hectic two months ahead of me. It's full systems go. It's lock in, make it work. I lost some money last summer because my best mate died. right at the beginning of the season. Is this by suicide? Yeah.

And it really messed me up. And I was like, I'm in no space to do the festivals. And I lost like 15 grand. So I paid all the pitch fees. So it's like, three grand. Oh, so you paid this stuff, but you couldn't, yeah. And I was like, I, truthfully, there's no names here so I can say whatever. Me in a field of 80,000 people with unlimited drugs and unlimited booze, I would have died.

At that time. At that time. I already, like, by not even being. at a festival. I think I spent a grand in the first three days of alcohol and drugs after he died. Oh right. Okay, okay, okay. He was at my closest, closest family. We've been friends for near like nine years and it was so out of the blue. He was a prison officer, but it was absolutely nuts, like insane. Lovely bloke, but just crazy. Can I ask you how you met? Met through school. Sorry, so he went to school with you. We went to school. We went to school.

together. Same year? Same year and then we disconnected a little bit and then we reconnected and then me and him just like he was like my confident and he was that type of guy if I called him and I'm like yo I need help that even we lived up in Leicester I called him one night he got his scooter drove down to London two hours and he was here it was by my side and I was like that's a friend that's family do you mind talking about his death? Yeah He was a prison officer and he just got moved to a paedophile wing. And one of his family members has been sexually assaulted when she was younger.

And he found it really hard being on the wing. And then he put in the transfers to move down to London. And it was in the process. And then he spoke to someone. He felt really emotional. He spoke to this person, told him to man up. Who did he speak to? You mean, in his profession?

Spoke to a big influence in his life. Okay, fine. And then they basically told him to man up. And then four days later, he was found in his flat. Two days before his birthday, he died. And I got a call whilst I was at work telling me from his sister. And it was like, fuck. He was crazy, crazy motherfucker.

He did not give a shit about anyone. Like, someone tried to pull a knife on me, him and I have a mate in Camden once. He turned around, crap the bottle, and just walked up to his birthday. He used to be called Stadproof Jamie because he would walk around his Stadproof vest He was so egotistical But then also gay as well He was fuck guys, fuck girls up

We went out once And he started chatting up this 50 year old man By fucking stroking his beard Being like, let me take you home and call you daddy And this is the first time I ever knew That he was by and it spun me I'm like, what? He just did not care

I don't believe that it was suicide But I can't go too deep into that because I can't change it and the police won't look at it in any other way. Someone, a rumor, rumor has it, that there was two kilos of cocaine in his flat and two phones and he wasn't a drug dealer. He used a lot of it, but never sold it, never brought kilos. So there's a lot of stuff surrounding his death that I don't believe or understand, but I can't change. Yeah, very odd turn of events. Did you really expect any of this when you walked on?

up and ask for the conversation on a bench. I told you, you'll turn to a interesting conversation. I never have any expectations, but there's a lot of big stories out there. Yeah. And I've heard a lot of stuff. And I'm just trying to always figure out what's the best direction to take us in after hearing certain bits of information. So this guy sounds like a wild character. He is wild wild. So you're always going to have more thoughts about his death and the possibilities of it.

the possibilities of it. But in terms of you and receiving that news, obviously it hit you just, it totally smashed you up. Yeah. So how long ago was it now? Nearly a year. Actually, it's going to be a year in two weeks. Okay. A week actually. I mean if it's enough time, I mean obviously these things sometimes take a real long time to process, but from the moment it happened to now, has it changed anything for fundamentally new to have that happen? Yeah, I know a lot of people, but I don't have many friends. Okay.

Right? Why? Because I've learnt to enjoy my own company and to keep my circle, people around me, very tight, because I will give everything I have. Even if it's like my last fucking penny, I'll give it to you. If you need it and I can help you, I'll help. And throughout the years, I've been taking advantage of a lot by people. Then it's fucked me.

So now I'm very tight with what I give people and who I keep around me. It's lovely to see him at the pub, but I would never tell me anything personal or let them come into my group. Like when he passed, that messed me up because he was that person. Why was he that person? Because he knew me through so much and he never judged me for anything. He accepted me for me for my positives and my flaws. And he made me want to be...

better in a way and gave me that that level of confidence that I never had. My attitude of being like, no, fuck it, let's do it. It has come from him. Like, I've never, I'll never have experiences like I had with him with anyone else. Was he someone you aspired to be more like? No, no, no, no, no, no. He was insane. He said stuff that was outrageously outrageous.

Sure. Really, there are times where I wanted to punch him in his face. Like, you can't fucking say. that. So you were fascinated by him. Yeah, fascinated is a good way to the spirit. And it's clearly like a remarkable, extraordinary in the full use of the word character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He brought out a side of me, a laddie side of me. Like they're, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go up. Because that's so far from who I am. Right. Well, not so far from. Like I am like, like, I grew up on a council estate, teenage years, we were, like, surrounded by drug dealers and loads of people I know they're in prison.

But that's not the life I want or live at all. I live such a different life to everyone around me. But he was, come, let's go get the very nephews. Let's just go. Take pills on a random night out, end up in a random house garden at 4 in the morning, being like, why are we here? What are we doing? I've never had that with anyone else.

No one else pulls that out of me or makes me want to be like, yeah, let's go party, let's go. But he did, and I loved it. Is he at all similar to riding a BMX? I think, yeah. As in like the human equivalent of that for you. Obviously you really need that. Just having crazy, crazy experiences.

Again, because of all the stuff that's happened to me, every day's a bonus. But I shouldn't have a leg. When I went to surgery for the car. Which one? Which one? The notebook. The notebook. The notebook.

The notebook. Like, come on. Get your own crash name, right? With the notebook crash, they told me you're most probably going to lose your leg. Right. And then I came out of surgery with my leg, it went the best possible way it could have gone.

I can't remember what the moral link back to that was. I kind of lost myself on my own story there. Oh, that was it. I was saying about the thing of like, because of all that, every day is a bonus for me. There we go, yeah. I'm lucky to be alive.

I feel it. Like, every day it's like, I'm so grateful to wake up and just to be alive. I understand it now. Hang on. I'm getting it. Yeah. This person for you, you know, you obviously have a rare and interesting need for like highs. Yeah.

And thrills. Yeah. And full throttle experience and living, right? Yeah. Yeah. And so this person gave you a kind of safe space to do that. Someone who could take you there. And so you felt understood by him in that sense. Yeah.

because he got that and you got that in him. Is that fair? Am I getting this right? I think that's fair. I feel like it's also with that is he also knew me through it all because it's so hard to explain this on because when you look at me at first, I say, oh yeah, I've been hit by a car, broke 39 bones. Everyone's like, oh man, what the fuck?

Just yapper him. But no one really understands the effect that it had on me. But he did because he'd seen through all of it from me smashing my teeth out. He saw the four years of bully. and he saw all the fucking... Oh, so you knew him from... Of course, when we school and Kate. So he saw everything.

So he's seen me from being some proper little angry teenager to being where I am now, and it gave me such comfort. Like, was he able, or did anyone able to kind of emotionally support you? To what extent were you kind of introspective about each other's lives? We were very close. We spoke about everything. We were able to have those proper deep chats, talk about stuff, but then we also were able...

When we were in those kind of dark places, both of us, We're like, no, come let's go out. And we would go out, we would have a fucking blast of a time. And then feel great. And you're like, oh, yeah, life is fucking, whoa. And then we would put each other out to get each other back up. Yeah. And I just, I don't have, I don't have anyone like that.

Like I was saying about addictions as well, like, if something's there, I'm going to do it. I drink a lot. And then once I do it for a couple days, I'm like, oh, well, I can just kind of drinking. and then end up turns into like a four month bender and you're like, it's got a problem. Now I'll stop and then I stop, get myself back on track and then I'm like, oh well, I've had like six months who have actually been really good, let's have a drink.

And then it's like that bad repair cycle. So how are you drinking like currently? No, no. No, so you're off it for a bit. Yeah, yeah. Do you consider yourself an alcoholic? No, no. There are points you've thought about it.

There are points where I have kind of thought, like, okay, I might have a little bit of a drinking problem where I can, like, drink four bottles of wine and it just be like nine. Like, like, a net a large glass of wine in one. So now you're not drinking at all, or you just don't think you have a problem? No, I've cut down. Like, there was a period, like, last month and a half ago, there was, like, I had a really, I just went on some, like, wild bender for, like, two weeks and just got, like, every day, I was just getting pierced.

And like, I realized it also was messing me up. Drinking every day, especially a young age, it's not good for your mental health. There's so, there's so much better stuff I could also spend that money on. Like, I love traveling. Get out of this country. Do you do it?

Yeah. Maybe that's your next step. Yeah. I've just started chapter two of my life. Chapter one. After the, because you're handing the notice. Leaving the job was the final part for me of getting out.

It's a moment. And so now I'm like, that was the... Maybe you're going to just, you're going to go to, big barrier and then you'd just be like that, this is it. Yeah, stay. Oh, it's so weird. So romantically, you've got somebody now?

Yeah, it's more a casual, weird situation. Okay, but not that casual, because you're going to barry together? That's the point. That's how it's a bit complicated. Leila, we both really appreciate each other, but also, I think it's... A relationship just wouldn't really work right now in our lives. But it is a kind of relationship. already. We work too well and it's too nice together for me just to throw it away. I was in toxic relationships before and I've never had something actually healthy. Okay. And you deem this one to be

healthy? A lot healthier than the rest. Okay. Yeah, I care about her a lot. She's done a lot for me over the last couple months in like from a mental perspective. Okay. But yet you would still call it a situation? Or casual. I would want a relationship. Okay. But I think it's more, I have some stuff that I need to sort out

that she isn't a big fan of. Like also, the way I live my life, I've got so many dreams and aspirations with what I want to do, and she just wants a very casual life. She just wants to, you know, like work a job, get a house, chill. Whereas I'm more like, like,

I want to have a property in London, property everywhere. My biggest goal, by the age of 30, I want to throw 200 grand in front of my mum and my two sisters. Right, and that's a goal. Literally, no, literally throw it on the kitchen table, sat around, fucking, P, p, p, p, p, p, p. I wonder how many actually what you can hold in your hands, cashwise. I'll let you know when I'm 30. He phoned you out, Tom, I've just done it, and it actually is, sadly, not 200 grand.

It was seven grand. It was seven grand. What, and there, what do you imagine? situation to be. They're sitting down at the table, having some cornflakes, whatever? It'll be my fucking house. So you've invited them around? Invite around. For tea?

Nice dinner. You know, come around. Oh, it's a dinner, nice. You've cooked it? You've cooked it, yeah, yeah. Just be like, as a sole thank you. They helped me so much throughout the, like, crashes and everything. My mom's my biggest supporter, and I want to be able to give them the opportunity I grew up with not having no real pots of pissing.

And I feel like I'm the one in my family who's got a good chance at doing something big with my life where I make some big money and I can change the people around me life. And that's kind of a goal that I'm always going to be pushing until I achieve. I won't stop until I'm at that point. Got it. Giving them an option to experience life to the fullest. Yeah.

Can I give you a tiny bit of thought? Yeah. In relation to the situation ship. Yeah. It's of my personal opinion at the age I am now, which is, you want to guess? I'll say like 37 or 39 close. Oh shit. You know you did really well.

Yeah. Beautiful. In your life you're going to meet a lot of people and you already have. I also have had a life where I've met a lot of people, not just on ventures. And of those people I've met, of people that I could have been in a relationship with that was meaningful and special. something extra, it's probably about three or four people. Yeah. What I'm getting at here is that only a very small handful of those people

are ones you could conceivably be in a good relationship with, right? You don't get that many chances. My personal belief is, from what you've told me of this person, the fact that she's helped you mentally, that she's like a stable factor in your life and clearly it's like time where a lot is happening and it has happened it's a lot to process

and you'll still be processing it I'm not surprised you write a lot of stuff down I can see why you do I'm surprised you haven't written you know 50 memoirs by now maybe you will point is if you feel like someone understands you and there's a stabling factor in your life

really give this person a chance Yeah. If I'm going on what you sell on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to. She's the one that's wary. Because I do live a bit of a crazy life. Yeah.

A lot of people find that hard to live with. Yeah. Well, then I would say, even though it's difficult, yeah. Find a way to like bend that a little bit. She won't want you to be not you, right? That's a little fun. Spider.

Sorry. I really hate spiders. I really hate spiders. That's a hold of you. That has a hold of you. I'm not sure I've heard that sound before. I was like, I fucking hate spiders.

That's amazing. It's mad. Anyway, what we're saying, listen, I can get it if you're her, just from what you've told me already. I get it. Like, you know, like, you know, she walks to your bedroom.

There's a fucking festival in there. Yeah, you've been like, what the fuck. And it's worth you considering, or even asking her, what actually could I do for you? to kind of bend things a little bit and how I do stuff that would fit for you? What would work?

And it's worth you moving a little bit for that stability. It will be worth it in the long run, big time. I think I need that. If that means giving up this, giving up this, it will be worth so much.

If you found someone who gives you a stability and what I've learned from you already is like you... I need that. I need stability in my life. If you do not have that, it feels like if these could go south,

fairly quickly. Yeah, yeah. Or at least that they have the possibility to. Yeah, yeah, I agree. So I would ask her and say, what could I do, do you think that would make a difference and work with that? See what she says, and I would just consider doing it.

Yeah, it is part of the reason why I quit my job, because it's very hard because she's part of the friendship group of the pub. And then she sees a lovely caring side of me where I'm like, I'll do anything for her, when it's us, but then when I'm at work, I get really stressed out and it's affecting my, my relationships and who I am.

I feel like I got so disconnected from me that it was shifting who I was, and I was losing connection with, morally who I am as a person. And then we're saying about addiction, working in a pub, I'd be frank Nils, you do do a lot of cocaine, you do drink a lot of alcohol.

And you do that, and then you're like, fuck, so it's terrible. It's a horrible, horrible thing to get into the pattern of, but it's so easy just to fall into. Yeah. I can say this really totally for sure. If I hadn't met who went on to become the mother with my children, I met her and I was 24.

How old are you now? 23. So pretty similar. If I hadn't met her and we hadn't got together and falling in love and all that kind of stuff, I can guarantee you that I wouldn't have been, I don't know. I mean, basically, I maybe wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now. I wouldn't be successful. I wouldn't be, basically, I think that romance, it was the foundation of doing well.

It was a foundation of like feeling good about yourself, of feeling confident, of feeling stable, to then go and do really good stuff and having something to work for as well. It's having someone there that isn't family who is your corner. Exactly. And so like for me to have that person was absolutely critical. That, I mean, basically I can track myself starting to do well from that moment. No. And so that's why I always think it's worth to, you know, if everything is there, good chemistry, getting on, understanding each other, respecting each other, all those things.

If that's there, that should be something that's worked on and towards. Yeah. and taking incredibly seriously. It's worth working on it. I wish she would hear that in a weird way. Oppos play it out to her? Yeah, and be like, oh yeah, look. Why do you wish you would hear that from me, but not for you?

What do you mean? Because I think it will come from a different place when it's said to you not from someone that they have an underlying demeanor from it or trying to force them into something that they're not completely convinced with. convinced with when you're in the moment you're living it you're not really thinking about until it's gone. Like I'm still young but I feel like all the trauma's happened to me made me a lot more mature for my age and like I don't feel 23. But also the way our relationship started it just went from like zero to 100. So I had a crush enough for like

two years. I won't. Yeah, she was like a year and a half. She came in the pub. I was in a relationship. She would walk past the bar, walk back. around, just look with a teak little grin, oh, it fucking made me crumble. Flo, with my partner, we had like a lock in one night, and then we didn't speak in for like six hours, just proper, so fucking nice. And we ended up spending like three months together. And then she went travelling, and then she was like, oh, I'm a bit unsure about this,

came back, and then it kind of just like started off again. It is like we're in a relationship, but then she's got this gut feeling that something came right. And that's a hard thing for me as well. Yeah. But I think you've got to try and figure out what that is. And, you know, and like, and try and get her to communicate what that might be. But they, I've had like two, two year relationships.

And both of them have ended because of the same thing. I want to do so much with my life. Work wise, what I do, like my dreams, aspirations are doing, like, doing social media, modeling, content, photography as a hobby, bar work, travel, all this fucking shit, the business. People just are like, oh, this is way too much for me. But I'm like, for me, I'm just trying to build something. But I'm like, why can I never find that thing that works? It never seems to pan out for me.

Truthfully, my life has gone to shit. I honestly believe you, you'll build lots of stuff. I honestly think you won't be able to build something truly beautiful without that solid foundation. Yeah. You're going to need that. Yeah. So if I am you, honestly, I would put a relationship for getting her now for now. This could be anybody in the future.

Because this stuff's probably going to get done anyway. You're going to do lots of stuff. You might not be able to do 20 things. You might be able to do five instead. But the point is those five will be done way better. Very better than those 20 kind of like, you know, radically. Exactly. Yeah.

I would, if I was you now, put. potential relationship at the forefront above anything else and actually really work and think how am i going to be a person that someone wants to stay with because there's the same thing we'll keep repeating it's already happened twice yeah it sounds like so but they were both toxic we're toxic relationships yeah no but i understand what you mean in that sense so i think you know this is a pivot i feel like i'm at a really big pivotal point in my life like so much is changing even this even sitting down having a conversation with you. It's all part of this weird fucking journey that life has to fucking offer you.

Like the words of wisdom and advice you've given me, I will reflect on that. This could be a conversation that completely changes the way that I think. Because when you hear it from other people, especially from a stranger, it resonates with you more because you're like, you don't know me from Adam. You've got no underlying to mean and nothing apart from actually giving some some advice and that will simply be more than someone I've known for six years trying to tell me to do something.

Yeah, maybe I should listen because if you're able to witness it then it's not just me, it's not just them. So yeah, thank you. Well, thank you for being, you know, open and sharing. Quite a very open but... Yeah, I'm spoiled this now. The famous open book. Yeah. I don't know.

It's really made me think about stuff. Yeah. I don't know. Doing this is the equivalent of writing in a diary. Two things at the top of my head. Yeah. One, I want to ask you about modelling. Because as I said, first model I think had on a bench.

Yeah. Horrible industry. Horrible, horrible industry. Insanity. Tell me more. There's an image connected to models. There's a standard set upon you by your agent, by these companies that you have to fit this image. Like, I'm not like tattoos without approval.

I'm not, I'm not meant to smoke in public. I'm not meant to drink in public. When you say it in public, what, in case someone... In social... If you go out, you get absolutely hammered and someone starts posting it. You could lose your... contract. Yeah. And it's also you've got to be toned and it's got to be this, you've got to be that. And it's like, I hate that because it sets a, an image onto society of that. That's the level that you're meant to look to look like this completely glammed up fucking four hours of makeup and hair before you go on camera. That's what the standard of beauty is. But it's like, it's not. It's not like, why did you do it? I'm guessing you might have known some of this stuff you've just told me. I've done it because I say yes to everything.

It was, I was very insecure about myself. How did it happen to you really? I was walking down Tottenham Court Road, got scouted by this guy. Yeah, and then you get put on the website, and then you just start getting sent to bookings like castings. The first one I had was a Louveton show. So, and I told, so I got signed two weeks before the car crash. had the car crash, I told my agent, I was like, yeah, look, I'm fucked. He pushed me for jobs and they tarnished my name a bit

because the way it works is like, a lot of the big companies, the same casting directors. You pick up on names and faces that you see. And then once you get a thing of you don't turn up to casting, then you kind of just get thrown to the back of the pile. And that happened quite a bit, and it really tarnished my name. And I signed to another agency. And then was with them for a year.

We've done something like cool stuff. and then it just got like, I felt like they wanted too much for me to keep a physique that wasn't healthy for me. And it's like, again, it's even within the industry, as everyone says, there's a lot of cocaine. A lot of cocaine involved, so I don't know why I'm whispering.

There's a lot of cocaine involved in it. Like a lot, like, you're at these shows, you're sat around, like, if you're doing a photo shoot, you can sit around for some of these for like, fucking six, seven hours, and you're only doing an hour's work. And it's also you don't eat Don't eat on it

So if you're doing like a show Like a catwalk If you eat you're going to be bloated You don't want that You want your abs fucking toned as fuck So then you don't end up eating for the day You do a bit of coke You don't really have an appetite

And you go out You go out after drinking And you end up just doing drugs You get really fucked up And then you should constantly do it And everyone's like Yeah yeah fuck it fuck it It's crazy

Like if I shave my hair Like my agency I may just you want me to shave my hair off because they can't work with curly hair. It's unmanageable. I've done it once. Worst decision I ever made. Never again.

So that's also the hard part of it. It's all for them. How much money can you make me? It takes away you as a person. You just get treated for a shell. And it's just degrading. Degrading as fuck. I hate it.

No, no, no. No, no. I don't know. I mean, I love it because of money, but I hate the actual industry. So would you like not to be doing it? Or you like the money? The money's too good.

The money's good. And it's some of the experiences I've had for it. I love it. I'm not saying that I'm like fucking hate it. Like I fucking love it. It's a great thing to do. But also I just, I see there's a lot of like negative parts to it as well. So many people want to get into the industry I feel and I want to do it.

But like I don't think it's worth the mental shit. puts on you. Yeah. What's your catwalk walk like? When you go to these castes, I it's so fucking embarrassing. You walk into a room 50 to 100 somewhat similar looking people and you got to walk in thinking you're the shit because the second you show any fear, you're fucked. You walk in and you're standing there in the line, get through the line, you hand in your comp card like with your pictures, your height, your name, I color all this. And then they normally ask you to walk to the end of the room, walk back, that's it.

And they're like, okay, thank you very much, we'll be in contact. And you're shitting yourself, you wait a couple days and you even get an email going, oh yeah, you've been booked for so-and-so's job, or no. Or like something you won't even hear back, and you're like, well, okay, thank you.

And it's like, you just feel like a piece of me. You've got to be able to show all the emotions, but one thing I love with, one thing I've loved with modeling is there's four angles on photos. You even look there, look at the different corners of the room. Yeah. You never look straight down the lens, just above or just below.

When you look directly in the lens, it looks a bit odd. Yeah, and it's just like all the poses, man. The hands in the pockets, the wrist, you know, you've got the, you've got the, you got the, like, the plane with the watch, the jewelry, you just, and let you go and, like, standing right with a camera. It's just you hear the change the pose. Play with a button, move it, the belt, pocket, arm, and you're just like, wow. But in my head when I'm doing it, I'm like, these must look absolutely terrible.

Yeah. Like, so, so bad. And also, the amount of fucking money you spend on moisturizers. Right? Honestly, moisturizers and haircuts are the two most expensive things I think I've fucking spent money on over the years. Well, you know, I was thinking about being a model until you said all that. I'm right put off. I'm going to ask you two more questions.

Hit me. And then I'm going to ask you the final question everyone gets. Yeah. These last two. One is, I'm intrigued about your dad. Yeah. He was clearly omitted from the mother and sister cash whack down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm like wondering why he's not in that club. Like my dad had a lot of stuff, a lot of trauma through his life and wasn't the best towards me and my older sister as kids. and the best quote I've ever come out with is from you from me right this is your own quote my own quote a couple years ago I said to my ex I went my dad's showing me more

how not to be as a man than how to be as a man there's certain parts about me that I love that I know I've got from him but there's also so much about him that I would hate to ever be like to other people or to my kids like he would run away from confrontation like with my mum and avoid shit.

I'll never just walk away. I'll always stand and be like, no, this is why I feel, how I feel. And this is, these are the reasons. Yeah. But yeah, he hasn't really been there for me through throughout my life. Like, he wasn't, like,

truthfully, we kicked, me and my older sister kicked him out when I was 10, she was 13. Told him to leave the house. I'd leave our family house. You kicked him out? Me and my sister said to my mom, he's got to go.

And, yeah, like, we still, we still see him now and again, but again, he had a lot going on in his head and his life that he felt very hard done by and stuff and then tries to push that wisdom onto you where it's not useful wisdom, in my opinion. He isn't an inspiration for me to want to make that, like my two sisters and my mom, they're the ones that I care about dearly. I'm like, they've helped me so much. I want you to be able to do what you want with your life. Oh, yeah. I mean, I think it was something. As worth me, it's such a noble aim to want to help all these people and look out for them.

But also, like, they're no good if you're not good. Yeah. You know, you've got to come first. Your wellbeing has got to be censor before you can go and help them. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I struggle with that a lot where I will always put other people before myself. Even if it means I've run myself completely in the ground, I'll still do it.

Yeah. Have you done therapy, by the way? Tried. Don't do well with them. I struggle to pay someone to listen. No, for sure I get that. I get that. Doesn't sit well with me. Yeah. It's a beautiful light now. Yeah. When I arrived, it's a bit overcast and it's kind of...

Yeah, it's going to fucking beautiful. That's the type of clouds. If not, a clouds like that in the morning. Just a whee- You know what that a cloud looks? That's like someone with their arms open wanting to give you a hug. Yeah. Or us. I see a little little... love heart in the middle a little bit. It's a heart and a hug up there.

Yeah. What am I saying? So I've lost my train of thought. I was going to say, yeah, therapy. Look, I personally have issue with, exactly as you say, paying someone. There's a lot of things I don't like about that. You know, you're totally right to be a bit suspicious of it sometimes.

I get that. But when someone has, like, a lot of big, traumatic life. events. And not just one, like a many. And they're how they're interweaving, interlocking. They have all kinds of different branches from them. Yeah. To work out as a lot. And then also we just said about your dad and how he suffered a lot of trauma. Remember trauma doesn't stop at your dad, right? So trauma keeps going through generations unless it is process. And sadly, if you are a parent, he would have radiated a lot of those negative things. Yeah. that will be in you.

And there's not, that's not your fault. That's just what has happened. And I'm not saying, it's all in you, but it will be some. Yeah. And that's also really worth talking to someone about. And seeing if you can find someone, if you find the right one, it could be hugely beneficial to you. That's...

You know, and probably worth pursuing... No one's going to source out for you. Yeah. Right? So, unfortunately, that's life, isn't it? These things are given to us, we have no choice. even though they're given to us, we have to deal with them. Yeah, it is.

Again, it's worth it because of all these people you could help in the future. Two magpies. Hello. Three. Come on. Three for a girl. There we go.

Hopefully fucking tight. Yeah. Beautiful timing. Definitely consider it. Have a good think. No, people said. It'll be worth it for you. You've got a lot to unpack there.

You've got a lot to think about. I think it would do me the world of good. It's not even claustrophobia, but it's like when you're just sat in a room with someone, you're just kind of looking at the walls and you're like, oh, for sure. You can get, you can walk around? There are people you walk around with.

Oh, can you? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, there you go. That actually might be, because that's always my thing. You know, you do what fits works for you. There are people who walk around.

Okay, that is, definitely time I think I'm going to look at. I've, like, a lot, yeah, a lot of people recently have told me that you most probably would benefit a lot from it. And I'm in a different place than I was four years ago when I last done it. So yeah, there's definitely, I think it's something I will look into. And we're gonna add, we're gonna add the therapist onto the fuckit list. Not a bucket list, we're gonna add it onto the fucket list. That's such a funny, fuck it, I want to get a therapist, fuck it.

Fuck it, no, honestly, but that's the way I've got to do it. Get it onto that list. Do it. Yeah, okay, but let's actually add it. Yeah, let's put it in the book. Let's make a new fuck it list. It's just going in. Fuck it, list.

bless therapist walking i will know what it means okay i'm going to get you to do one more thing yeah before we a last question so i'm going to i'm going to close my eyes you decide whether you want to close your eyes now i recommend it yeah uh think of a scene from the past, a scene which you can remember in really vivid detail. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be a dramatic one. I just want something that comes to you, like the first thing that came to you. I've got some.

Wonderful. Can you describe that scene to me, please? My nun and granddad's house when I was younger, we used to go around every Sunday. There's the same house that my mom grew up in. Walk in, you've got like, one of the old, the old telephone. with the, you wind the numbers up, like just as you went in. And then sat in the living room playing a card game called Donkey. Like I'm sat on the floor, my older sister next to me, my cousin,

my granddad in a big armchair and my nan on the sofa to the left. I remember sitting there and card game of donkey is that kind of bluff. You're going to pick a card off the person next to you. You match the pairs and whoever ends with a donkey is a loser. loser. My granddad done it to me and just him just laughing his face off and me losing the game and it was one of those kind of like wholesome moments for me where such a fun, a fun memory of them but I love my dad and granddad and like they're the ones that I aspire to be like in the energy wise and my happiest memories of my childhood are them

They're the moments I cherish And I close my eyes I can see that living room Don't know why the card game is a thing that I envision But that that's the It was just like I could just picture the smile Yeah, that's lovely The smile and the laugh of everyone around

And it's a kind of what it sounds like It's like a really safe room Yeah Loving I think that's the biggest part There was an unconditional love and pure a pure loving care for each other in that room. Just you could feel it.

Well, there we go. Thanks so much to talk to me. It's been a fucking pleasure. Thank you for listening to be Rambor. It's been nice sharing stuff with you, especially I needed that now with everything that's going on in my life presently. I needed a moment for me to look back

and see what I've actually done. It's nice to look back and be like, no, I have done well. I have achieved shit. You have. It's been, so thank you. I really appreciate it. Oh, thank you.

It's been fucking lovely. Oh, it's so sweet. Thank you. Yeah. You're going to do great stuff. Fingers Christ. You know, it's in you. You just got to make sure you just look after yourself first.

The stuff will take care of itself, you know? And just go easier to yourself. You know, all this stuff will happen. It doesn't have to happen tomorrow. It will come eventually. Yeah, that's true. Okay, so we've reached the last question. Okay.

You can either answer this in a kind of now way or a general way or both. What are you going to do next? Oh, I think I'm really going to reflect on some stuff. This conversation, I think, has made me realise some stuff that I've kind of pushed to the back and not really realised has impacted me so much. when it has. As you said, build a foundation strong rather than continuing on a weak foundation

and trying to build so that isn't actually going to be beneficial. And then currently today, I really don't know. Might take myself up for dinner. That actually might be my plan. Go out for dinner. Go for a nice meal.

Pizza and a glass wine. and write my diary about this conversation. Yeah, I just, I really wish you so much luck. Thank you. Same to you. I wish, I wish, I, honestly, I want to listen to your podcast. Oh, you're sweet. Because it'd be nice to hear people's stories. They're upside down, all of it.

Sure. Well, there's plenty of them. Yeah, plenty of them. It's called Strangers on a Bench. Oh, yeah. There we go. A Fight, Episode 1. I love that would be a real meta moment.

You start listening to the podcast on the podcast, you're on. Yeah, you're like, free. Weird crossover episode, you're like, what's going on? I'm going to ask us to do one thing. Yeah. Before I press the button, which is, I think it's quite nice at the end of episodes, especially when lots of grounds been covered, there's been lots of stuff. A kind of a minute where we just hear what's around us and just the nature of what's

around us without us talking. Yeah. So I'm going to propose to us a minute's silence. Yeah. In honour of just the conversation of nature around us and what happens. Are you ready for a minute silence? Minutes silence. Yeah. Here we go. It's lovely enjoying nature. It's like a nice way to kind of like close the book. It is, isn't it? That's the way I'll describe it. It's like that final close the hard cover bang you know wow yeah yeah and then we did see someone shouting perfect that's what i need that's what i needed that's that's always the closest book yeah and if you wait for in two seconds second