#STRask - What Are Some Good Ways to Start a Conversation About God with Family Members?

Episode Date: October 30, 2025

Questions about how to start a conversation about God with non-Christian family members, how to keep from becoming emotional when discussing faith issues with family, and the best way to alert people to the fact that they’re members of a cult.   What are some good ways to begin (and have) a conversation about God with non-Christian family members? How can I keep from becoming so emotional when discussing faith issues with extended family members whose salvation is at stake? What is the best way to alert people to the fact that they’re members of a cult rather than a church that follows Jesus?

This is Amy Hall here with Greg Kokel, and you are listening to Stand to Reasons, hashtag STRASK podcast. And Greg, today we have some tactics questions. All right. And we're going to start with one from Bob. What are some good ways to begin and have a conversation about God with non-Christian family members? Well, the answer to any question like that from me is always going to be to ask a question. And the key, though, is figuring out the best time to do it and the best way to go about it.

Family can be hard to deal with. In our case, we have five kids in our family. My sister was a year in two weeks, then me, then mark two years down. and Dave two years down and Bonnie two years down. So my mom and dad had a pretty tight shot pattern, five kids in seven years. And it was the middle child, Mark, who became a Christian first. And then that was during the Jesus movement. Of course, there was a lot of hubbub culturally about Jesus.

And so he was all fired up and talking to us and wanting us all to get saved. And through his witness in our life, all of the kids became Christian. And my dad eventually became a Christian at the end of his life, but it wasn't directly through us. So this can happen. This could be a really powerful way of God using someone in your life or you and your family's life. However, it also is rife with difficulties. And in the case of my dad, for example, he wasn't interested in hearing anything we had to say. He just made fun of everything for years.

And then it was finally God got his attention through a whole different set of of circumstances. And then he got fully and completely regenerated, saved. It was pretty amazing. But then he died a little more than a year afterwards. So there is a liability with family. And so you want to be careful because you want to maintain the relationship with family members and not bruise the relationship while you're trying to communicate with them. I have found one of the best questions. And it isn't like I use this a lot because I don't generally kind of come up out of the cold and initiate conversations. But it was suggested me by Jay Warner Wallace and he had gotten from somebody else. And I just think it's a great opener in any circumstance that you feel

might go into a direction of something spiritual. Okay. And that question is, would go something like this. You know, I'm curious about your thoughts about some things. I wonder if I ask you a personal question. I mean, maybe it's not too personal, but it has to do with spiritual things. Do you mind if I ask? And so you get permission. And here's my question. What do you think happens when you die? What do you think happens when you die? Now, it's completely open-ended. People might say, I don't know. They might say, I think I'm going to heaven, or I think I'm going to hell, or I think I'm going to be reincarnated or I think whatever it is that's either consistent with their formed view or reflects their agnosticism about it. But that question is a genuine question. You want to listen to what

they have to say. You're not in attack mode or anything like that. You're just in, if you read the tactics book, you know, the first step is to gather information. So you're in gathering intel mode. You don't know where you're going to go after this. But especially with a family member, questions like this that are kind of open-ended and let them talk that doesn't entail necessarily a follow-up salvo from you begins to create an environment where it's safe for them to talk about their spiritual thoughts, their spiritual convictions or whatever, and that's what you want, especially the family members because you're going to be around them longer. And again, you don't want to bruise the fruit.

Now, the second question, follow-up to that is whenever they give the answer, if they give a specific answer, rather than, hey, I have no idea, is a second follow-up question, and this is right along with the Colombo game plan and the tactics book, and that is, why is it that you think that's going to happen? Oh, I think I'm just going to lie in a grave. Why is that? You seem to be convinced of that. What are your reason? Just curious. And again, you're not an attack mode. You're really information gathering mode.

And if they think they're going to heaven, why? And if they think they go to hell, why, whatever. Or reincarnation, whatever it is. You just want to get their point of view and why they hold it. Even if they're agnostic, they might say, I have the faintest idea. And you might ask them, why do you think that a lot of people think they know? Why is it that you are kind of on the fence on this? Again, not as a criticism.

You're just trying to get them to talk more about the issue. There are lots of questions like that you might ask with your family members. If they have already weighed in maybe with a religious conviction or something like that, then keep your ears peeled for opportunities to ask more questions about their convictions. I have found that asking questions is kind of like the golden rule, so to speak, that you follow to get people to speak comfortably about their views, but there's also plenty of opportunity to use questions to get them to question maybe a false view that they have or to think more carefully about our view.

You can do that all with questions, and I go in detail in two books, actually the tactics book and the street smarts book those are companions street smarts is a sequel to tactics but that's what i would kind of recommend generally out of the gate for bob you could even say um well i as you're listening for for what you know them to say something related to spiritual things and later you come back and you say hey you mentioned this i love to hear more about what you think i'm really curious what do you think about this and maybe even this the first time out of the gate, you think you just say to yourself, look, I'm just going to, this whole time, I'm just going to gather information unless he asks me.

Be a student of their room. And I think not having that rush, sometimes when we're with our family, we feel a lot of pressure. We feel a lot of, like, angst about it. And so if you just give yourself room to just say, I'm just going to gather information, he may ask you about what you think. He might not. But maybe that first time, if you've got time, you know, you're going to see them again, you just gather information and you can start the conversation again the next time you see them

and see where it goes. With that question, too, a lot of times people are going to say, what's your view? What do you think? And then you're free to offer your thoughts so that now it's a two-way conversation. And sometimes I said I don't usually offer this question so much because I'm not in the habit of prospecting, so to speak, and initiating conversations. But if you're doing that on the street or wherever, this is a good way to start. But I do realize that when I'm on an airplane or in a circumstance where I'm talking to somebody, I was in MSP a week ago. and I got, there was a guy next to me that we ended up getting a conversation.

And I think what I ask him and I do in other circumstances, I just say, I'm, I'm explaining a little bit about my autobiography, where you going, what are you doing, you know, I'm going to this vent to do, I'm a writer and a speaker, and what do you speak about, blah, blah, blah. And then I simply say, I want to switch it because I don't want to keep talking about me. I want to talk, I want him to talk about himself. And so I say, so what are your convictions on this? Very neutral, very inquisitive. What are your own convictions?

That's a good one. That's a very, very similar to the other one, but it's not fixed on the afterlife. But since we're already talking about things, so what are your convictions? And I'm just going to listen to them. And then I'm going to look for other opportunities to ask questions that can springboard off of some of the things that he says. And that's a good question you could use. say after a weekend and they say, what did you do this weekend? Oh, I went, you know, I went to church, we did this, maybe we talked about this, and then say, what are your convictions on that

and hand it over to them. But this brings us to the next question, Greg. It's very related. It comes from Brianna. How can I keep from becoming so emotional when discussing faith issues with my extended family? I love your tactics book, but I find it hard to remain unemotional when it's a family member salvation at stake. Yeah. Well, I'm not, I'm not sure I have advice for you. Maybe Amy does better. Because my family's salvation, like my father's, meant a lot. But at the same time, I was more combative at that stage of my life as a younger Christian. And so I wasn't getting emotional. My brother Mark, though, he was the one responsible for all four of his siblings, including me, coming to Christ, and he had pretty much covered that ground before he got to me. I was the last one.

And so my brothers and sisters were believers at some significant level, and when I became a Christian. So, but Mark did have a very emotional, I think, much more emotional sense of things trying to deal with me. And he's quite intense, not harsh or mean, but he just, he loved me and he really wanted me to know Christ. I remember at one point he said to me, because I was, I was such a pagan, you know, and crazy whatever. but he said to me, Greg, the things that I'm saying, telling you about are true. Sooner or later, you're going to find that out. I just hope that when you do, it's not too late. That had an impact on me.

I remember all these years. Of course, I repeated it a few times because of reflecting on it, but because he was so confident and gracious, and it showed a lot of caring for me personally. Now, if what Brianna is saying is when she starts getting in discussions, she starts getting really argumentative because she cares so much and she hears what, no, that's not going to work or that's, that's goofy or whatever's going on in her mind. That's a little bit harder. For me, the way I'm, I always like that too with people I didn't know just because I was argumentative.

And I think asking more questions helps me to, and slowing down, consciously slowing down, my talk, my interaction, kind of like I'm doing. now, that makes it a lot easier to manage my emotions. I don't know if I have anything else like tricky. I don't know. Do you get that way? Do you get emotional, Amy, about these things, would you say? I think just in general, you tend to get, if you're in some sort of a discussion from different points of view with your family, you tend to get more emotional, even if it's not about this. So you add this into it. And I think it's totally understandable. I will say there can be a temptation to get to feel anger.

Let's say you're talking about spiritual things. Let's say they're combative. Let's say they really don't like Christianity and you're talking to them. It's very tempting to get angry. And I think one thing that can help you is to remind yourself what you're feeling. The reason why you feel emotional, the reason why you feel anger is because you care. So keep reminding yourself, it's not because they're a jerk. It's not because, you know, whatever. It's because you actually care. And maybe that can take a little bit of the

edge off the anger. That's why you're emotional. So I would remind yourself of that. And then the other thing I would say is just remember, and this is the Dennis Prager thing, clarity, not agreement. Just make sure they understand the claim you're making. The Holy Spirit is the one who will change their mind. So you can lay out your case without feeling like you have to pressure them into it because you can't pressure them into it and it's not up to you. So if you can just your goal, and you can even say that, look, my goal isn't even to persuade you right now. I just want to make sure you understand what I'm saying and why. So if we can just, if we can just come to an agreement on what I'm saying, that's, that's, you know, that's all I'm going

for. I'm not, so don't feel pressured. I'm not trying to push you into this. I want to give you something to think about. Yeah. Yeah. We talk about on the other show. And it just, you know, don't get, you may have to, Brianna, you may have to take a deep breath and fight the urge to interrupt. Let them talk. Just let them have their say. Now, you might be thinking, you don't know my family. They're just going to talk. talk, and talk, right. But if you start walking on top of them, that's going to get even harder, more emotional, and it's not going to be productive. And I also think if the emotion you're feeling is sadness and not anger, I think it's perfectly appropriate, like your brother said, to explain

to them why. I think this is true, and it's important. And I want you to know God because he's worth knowing. And also, you're headed for destruction. And I don't want to see you destroyed, but more than that, I want to see you live. I want to see you have life abundantly. I want, I want you to know God. And I would love to tell you about who he is and explain to you why I think he's true and what I'm saying is true. And so you don't have to hide your emotions if your emotions are sadness or even a strong desire to see them save, just be open about it. And maybe you could even say, look, I think the reason why I'm getting emotional is because this is so important to me. So hopefully you can have some grace for me as I'm doing this

as we're having a discussion and hopefully we can just have grace for each other because it's hard when his family. It's just hard. I get this question fairly regularly when people ask me about this. It's just hard. Yeah. Because we care. All right. Let's go to a question from Steve. What is the best way to alert people that they are members of a cult rather than a church that follows Jesus? I have friends that are Mormons, one that's Jehovah's Witness, etc. I want to find the best way to bring them away from those cults straight to the word of Jesus Christ. And I'd like to do it without insulting anybody. But if insulting helps lead them to Jesus, then so be it. Hmm. Hmm. You know, we should have Rebecca here. You know, she's on our team, but she lives up in Utah. and she's so great on this issue with so many different LDS. And I think that probably different people respond to different approaches. There are a lot of people in those groups.

Let's just stick with LDS for the sake of illustration, who are deeply unsatisfied or deeply unhappy because of the consequences to them emotionally and personally, because of Mormonism. And it's not just Mormon doctrine, which is heavily laced with works, which no one can ever fulfill adequately, but somewhat of, I would say, an oppressive community. That, I mean, the worst condemnation is reserved in Mormonism

for the person who leaves Mormonism, which ought to be, you know, gee, we don't say the worst condemnation for people is to leave Christianity. That's not the worst kind. They're just, if they're not believers, then they're just with everybody else, and God deals with everybody individually, but that just strikes me as a little bit manipulative. But in any event, there's a lot of emotional strain. And so when you're talking with someone asking about their Mormonism, if you might just just ask them. And here, we're back into information gathering mode. All right. You want to get

intel. So how happy are you with Mormonism? Now, that probably sounds strange coming for me because I don't think you're taking your emotional temperature regarding your spiritual views is the best way to find truth. But in this case, this is a religious group in which there are, there's a very high suicide rate. There's a lot of other, I don't want to get into details because I don't want to disparage the group per se, but I'm just saying there's a lot of dissatisfaction among people in the group. They are not free to talk about because of the nature of the organization. And so if you were to ask them that, that would be you just let them talk. And on your understanding, you might ask what must I do to be saved? What must I do to be saved? That's an important question to ask anybody in

any religious group. And that's the question that Philippian jailer asked Paul in Acts Chapter 16. What must I do to be saved? Now, of course, he had a simple answer, believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, and that pretty much captures it. Okay. But you could draw them out and ask for their, just ask them to talk about it. So on the one hand, you may have Mormons who are not happy there. And if you give them an opportunity to express it without dissing their religion out of the gate, and they're very sensitive to that, by the way,

to the sense of persecution, you know, as Mormons. Just don't do that. But ask them about their experience, their emotional experience, how do they feel? And if you ask them how do they know it's true, they're going to give you their subjective tests. I had a burning in the bosom. but that I think that for a lot of them, that's not enough.

It's not carrying them through all the other things that are weighing them down. And the message of grace is really satisfying. And it turns people. So that would be one way of talking to them if they are dissatisfied. If not, and it's just kind of a straight up circumstance, the same message is important, the message of grace. And this, what I have kind of committed myself to doing with any of these groups is not to go after the group. Well, here are the things that you believe in all these things.

Eternal marriage. Are you kidding? You guys wear that underwear stuff, too? Really? What about all the secret handshakes, blah, blah, blah, or whatever? That isn't going to get you anywhere because all you're doing is offending them. What made a difference for me when I became a Christian out of Roman Catholicism was the message of grace, that I began to understand the grace of God.

So if I'm talking to any person who is involved in a religious, religion that emphasizes works salvation. I don't want to go after their religious group. I want to talk to them about Jesus and grace and the cross. And once a person understands grace and then absorbs that message into their heart and starts walking with Christ in the grace he provides, the other things begin to take care of themselves. Then they start asking questions about these other things, but with a whole different attitude, not defensive for the other things, but rather with an attitude of, gee, in light of what I now know about Jesus, gee, what's up with this other stuff? And then maybe you could be more precise about that.

Just starting at the end of the questions and then working backwards, I'd like to do without insulting anybody, but if insulting helps leave them to Jesus and so be it. sometimes the truth feels like an insult, and you can't help that. There's nothing you can do about that. But I don't think we need to add any insults. So one thing you might want to do, because if you're thinking about a similar situation where someone thinks they're part of Christianity, but they're not, go read about Jesus and the woman at the well and see how he interacted with her because she was a Samaritan and they had gone off. religiously off the rails a little bit and see how Jesus interacted with her. And I would, I would think about that and, um, meditate on that for a while and, and let that guide how you do this. Um, next, I would say, I wouldn't, I wouldn't use the word, I probably wouldn't use the word cult. I can't, I can't, and the reason why is because I think people have a lot of, of, of, a lot of baggish, They hear that in their mind and they think brainwashing and all that where it's a correct theological term, but if they think you're saying something you're not saying, then nothing you say will be taken seriously after that.

And that's not your goal. Your goal isn't to shock them. Your goal is to help them to think about the differences between what they believe and Christianity, as explained in the Bible. Next thing is when you're talking to them, don't get defensive. And what I've found is that if you are, matter of fact, and you don't say things in an angry, defensive way, you can have a conversation about it. You know, I could pretty much say anything like, you know, actually I think Joseph Smith was Joseph Smith was a false prophet. And I think that the things he said were really wrong and terrible and even blasphemous against God. and if you say that in a way that's not defensive or angry, they tend to respond in kind.

And you can have that conversation. Remember, your goal is to help them understand the fundamental differences between what they believe and what Christianity believes. And a lot of times they'll know that, but they might not understand why it's important because they don't understand the gospel. And I think that what you said is so important there. And one thing that you could say to put both of you on the same footing, to keep this conversation a give and take and say, look, I have a pretty good idea of what you believe I'm interested in hearing more if I misunderstand. But I think the difference between us is big enough that either I'm following Christ or you're following Christ. Christ, but we're not both following Christ. That's good. So either I'm a Christian and you're not, or you're a Christian, and I'm not. And I would be really interested in having this conversation to figure out what the truth is, because if you want to follow Christ, we need to follow the true

Christ. And then it comes down to the differences between what you think about God and what you think about the gospel, and that's when you can get into all these discussions. But I think putting that on the same footing where you're not just saying, you're a cult person and I'm a Christian. You're saying, look, we're not both Christians. You're making the same claim about me. So you don't, because they, you know, anyway. Christianity was considered a cult in the first century, a cult of Judaism. That's the way they saw it, you know, too. So just saying, yeah, that's a great way to put it and to kind of open the doors for warm interactive discussion and present, you know, find out more about them and, you know, be a student of their view is the way I characterize it a lot

when I'm teaching on this. All right. Well, thank you so much, Bob and Brianna, we appreciate hearing from you. And Steve, sorry, I almost forgot Steve there. Thank you so much. We'd love to hear from you. Send us your question on X with the hashtag STR Ask or go to our website at STR. This is Amy Hall and Greg Kokel for Stand to Reason.