#STRask - What Would You Do If Your Child Came Home and Told You They Were Gay?

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

Questions about what to do if your child came home and told you they were gay, and whether it’s strategically wiser to set emotionally charged sexual ethics aside at first and begin with other sins when evangelizing.   What would you do if your child came home and told you they were gay? Given how emotionally charged sexual sin is today, is it strategically wiser to set sexual ethics aside at first and begin with less identity-loaded sins (lying, theft, etc.) to establish repentance and regeneration—letting sexual ethics follow as a result of new birth?

Welcome to the hashtag STRASK podcast. All right, Greg, we have some questions about LGBT things today, and this first one comes from Jessica. Okay. My mother asked me the following question. What would you do if your child came home and told you they were gay? Yeah, she wants to know what I think. What would you?

What would you do? I would – I think the first thing that every Christian parent needs to think about in advance is exactly how they're going to respond if that happens, because it happens a lot. Okay, so that's – that's central. Okay, the second thing that needs to happen in advance is you have to have very clear convictions about the moral status. of that behavior. And those convictions, I think, can certainly come from Scripture, and we've done a lot of work with that. But there was a long time when all you needed was common sense to make the moral assessment or the ethical assessment about homosexuality in its different forms. And that's what's interesting to me about Romans 1 is because when Paul argues against

homosexuality and lesbianism, by the way, in Romans 1, only place where lesbianism is mentioned. It is mentioned in the context of how human beings are meant to function together sexually. It is the very Greek word, creasis that is used to describe it. God made men and women to function together sexually. In other words, it's a plumbing issue that ought to be obvious to people, and it used to be obvious, all right? But now that's not so obvious. You can use the plumbing any way you want, so to speak. And that's people's attitude. As long as it feels good, do it. By the way, that's a phrase from the 60s, you know, and the whole counterculture movement from when I was in high school and college. But you've got to get clear on the, on the,

what is right, okay? And secondly, clear, as I mentioned, on exactly how you would respond in this circumstance. So I've crossed this bridge already. That is, I know what is right scripturally. And I've also thought about this question, not that I'd ever have to answer it, but or deal with the situation. I'm not saying that necessarily. I'm just saying that every parent needs to be aware of that with young people nowadays because of the ethos that is seeping into their pores from every single direction wherever they look, especially through social media.

So what's going to happen? And there's a lot of people that are experimenting because being gay or bi or trans is just cool. Well, it used to be gay as cool. Now, then it was bi as cool. and now that's Pass A. That's so, you know, two thousands, and now it's trans as cool kind of thing, and people get sucked in to being cool. And they're not really adopting that lifestyle. It's just interesting to them because they may be a little confused as teenagers, and plus they're getting encouraged in this direction. There's a lot of testimonies to this effect. So with that in mind,

I know what Scripture says. I know how to assess the thing for myself. the behavior, it's immoral, and it's dangerous. And it's not satisfying ultimately. It doesn't mean there can't be some individuals that are satisfied. But why is it that the LGBT community is fighting so hard to get everyone to say how wonderful they are, their lives are, their choices are? An entire month is dedicated in this country to celebrating their views or their their ideations, sexual habits, and they still can't stand it if somebody disagrees.

By the way, some gay people have made this observation. Why are we so thin-skinned? And I think it's because, one, they realize something's amiss, and some will acknowledge that. When you say, with regards to transgender, I'm a man in a woman's body, or vice versa, that's an acknowledgement that something's amiss. And secondly, I think that even when they have full latitude and encouragement, those lives are not deeply satisfying because that is not the way we were meant to function to flourish. So there's going to be dissatisfaction there. So these are my convictions that I have based on lots of different things.

And so my own understanding of that circumstance is solid. Okay. Now the question is, if my daughters, I have two daughters, were to say, one of them, both of them, they were to confess that to me and say, Dad, this is my situation. I'm gay. I'm a lesbian or whatever. I would say two things.

Honey, I love you. You will always be my daughter. You will always have a place in our home. You are a member of our family. Okay, that's the one thing. I'd reaffirm all of that. And I'd also say I'm sad to hear that because I don't think it's good for you. And both would be honest.

It's not one without the other. it's not either or it's both because both are true and I think sometimes it's one or the other for for parents who react um they're not ready for it and they react and so then they react and they get mad and then there's rejection in that that revelation and of course the rejection is not of the lesbianism or the gayness, it's the rejection of the individual. This is how it's read. Okay. Or there's over-acceptance and an affirmation.

And both of those are not appropriate. They're not balanced. They're not proper. You want to affirm the love, the care, the membership of the family, the closeness, all that. That's not going to change. Nothing that you do is going to change that. But at the same time, I can't celebrate this.

because it's not good for you. And it's not good for you before God, and it's not good for you in terms of your own flourishing as a human being. And those would be the kind of things that I want to communicate in that situation. What do you think? I think those are really helpful. I'm going to give some advice with fear and trembling, not having kids. So I think it's, maybe that makes it easier for me to be more unbiased about how I would handle it.

But just with that in mind, you don't have a horse in the race. I don't have a horse in the race. But I think what I like those two things. I think after those two things, what I might ask is, do you have any questions for me? Hmm. Because I think it would be really hard to know what was going on in their mind and what they were assuming you were thinking or what was behind the things you already stated or I would want to bring that out so you can address it because don't assume they know what you're

thinking. I would assume they're assuming you're thinking things you're not thinking. So I think I would start with that. And then next, I think the most important thing after that, after all those things are said, is to make it clear that Jesus is worth more than anything else. And I think what I would say is, look, every person will come to a point in their life where they have to decide if they love Jesus more than something else. Because a time will come when they'll be in conflict. Well, you'll want to go one direction and Jesus will be in the other direction. And every single person has to decide, is do I love Jesus more than? everything else. And if you do, then you will go with him.

It reminds me of Jesus' comment to John, to Peter, after the resurrection, they're by the Sea of Galilee. Do you love me more than these? Oh, interesting, yeah. Yeah, because that's all the fishing stuff, you know. They're kind of going back to their whatever. So, good point. I'm sorry to interrupt you. So this is the most important thing before you even get into what the Bible says, before you even get there, and you can just say, look, this is the core that we have to understand, before we even look at what the Bible says. And that is that Jesus is worth giving up

anything else. He is better. And obeying him will always be better than not obeying him. You will be tempted to grab certain things for yourself that he has not given you. And you'll be tempted because you'll think, if I don't take that thing, I'm going to miss out. But the truth is, the only way to miss out in your life is to not be obedient because then you miss what Jesus has for you. Being obedience, even when you think you're going to lose something, is better than getting that thing. And it is always better. And so just remind your child that the only way to miss out in life is to walk away from Jesus. Because when you're with him, even if you don't have the things you want, you will have the most important thing.

and that is Jesus. And so I would try very hard to convey his value above all else. And you can even talk about people. Look at, you know, in the last episode we talked about, we mentioned Corey Ten Boom. She gave up everything and she was better off. All you have to do is read her book and see that her whole story is about how Jesus is victor.

That is her whole story. He was better than all those things. It was worth it for her to go to a concentration camp. So if that's worth it, then certainly being obedient sexually is worth it. It even goes further than that. I think it's wonderful in that book, say, The Hiding Place. There's a couple of books about it, The Watchmaker's Daughter. I read that one last year, too, and that she struggles.

She is struggling the whole time once she gets caught, and it's her sister who gets caught with her, goes to concentration camp together with her who dies in the camp. I'm trying to remember which one they went to, but the Motthausen or something. But in any event, it's her sister. Is it Bessie? Betsy. Betsy, yeah, that continues to maintain the right perspective with Christ and encourages

her sister, and Bessie is the one who dies. and it's a Corey who survives, and it actually isn't until after the war is over, and she meets, as she's talking about trying to help people who survived the concentration camps, and she meets a former inmate, not inmate, but a guard. A guard from there that she recognized that she has to confront her own demons with regards to unforgiveness and stuff like that, where she has a transformative moment. So my point here is what's great about this. It isn't like Corey's like this saint the whole time. She's struggling the whole time. It's her sister that really has taken the high road. And I find most people, including

myself, I relate a whole lot more to Corey than to Betsy, you know. But both are, it's such a great juxtaposition of these two lives live for Christ, and one, both in obedience to Christ, but one in the midst of confusion and suffering and hardship, nevertheless, being obedient in the midst of that. Another book that would be helped. And notice here, we're trying to get the principles across in other ways other than coming at it in terms of sexuality, because you're trying to get this point across. Another one would be, live not by lies.

And this is by Rod Dreher, and he talks about how, I think it was where we're a but it was somewhere behind the Iron Curtain, how the people who stayed faithful to Christ, even at their own expense, ended up so much better off in so many ways, maybe not materially, but in so many ways, rather than those who said, well, I'm just going to compromise because otherwise my child won't be able to go to college. They ended up having their faith wrecked. They ended up much worse off. So you can look at all these stories of people who gave up things, They thought were so necessary and so important, they gave him up for Jesus, and they were not sorry. Yeah.

Live Not by Lies. It's not a very long book. And it has a lot of—we've had Rod on the show, and I interviewed him about that book. But the first two-thirds of it is about a social, political upheaval that's helpful to understand the dynamics here, okay? It's the last third of the book, or maybe the last one-quarter of the book, where he goes into these anecdotes, these stories. of these Christians who suffered terribly. And, you know, I've been to these countries when there was still a iron curtain there, 1976, Romania, for example, Hungary, Soviet Union, the Ukraine, and talked with people who were suffering terribly, but it was amazing to see their joy

for having spent everything for Christ. And incidentally, just to add to that what you're saying about, you know, Christ is better. If you don't have to have to you, have your theological foundation in place regarding homosexuality and the Bible, you're not going to be able to confidently say that you're leaving Christ when you embrace homosexuality. But that's what's going on. Well, I was, okay, I'm going to come back to that in just a second. I think even better would be to establish this whole idea before this happens with your children, establish this idea that Jesus is better before it comes to this.

But if you haven't, this would be the place to go or to remind them. Now, aren't you kind of making a presumption, though, that the person who offers this information does claim to be a Christian at the same time? What about if one of the children is not? So maybe they aren't, but I think you still need to make this case. I think you still do because God will work through that. The Holy Spirit will work through that. I think it glorifies him. I think it gives them an option.

It shows them that this isn't the way they have to go. They might not listen now, but maybe they'll listen in the future. So after I have all those things in place, I think what I would do is point them to people like Christopher Yuan and Beckett Cook, and people who have gone through this and have told their stories and have also found that Jesus is better than this lifestyle because they've done both. So those, I think those, do you have anything else to add to that before we go? Well, that's great. I just love listening to you, Amy, because you bring kind of a whole side of things that doesn't occur to me, but it's so rich. And this point that Jesus is better than everything, this is the, there's nothing else that you should trade for him. And if that's not your attitude, there's, you're going to get tossed to and fro by every wind and wave of whatever's happening in the moment that's appealing to your senses and stuff like that. And that's,

we can see that's exactly what's taking place here. I think this is the idea that kids need from all aspects of our culture. I think Christian parents should be developing their understanding of who Jesus is, what his character is, what he's done for us, a gratefulness for the gospel, an understanding of the beauty of Christianity. You should be cultivating all of these things, not just a basic propositional knowledge of Christianity or even a Christian. Yes, or even if you're wrong, yeah.

Yes, or even a Christian worldview. They should be, sometimes you don't catch a glimpse of the beauty of God until you see someone else who sees that beauty, if that makes sense. That's kind of how it was for me. Like you. I mean, I'm part of the word here, ministered to, I usually don't use that word, but just by watching you and listening to what you have to say. So I think the parents can be modeling that all through the child's life.

This shouldn't come out of the blue. And in order to do that, you have to cultivate it for. for yourself. Right, right. Okay, so this brings us to the second question. It comes from Bushi. Given how emotionally charged sexual sin is today, is it strategically wiser to set sexual ethics aside at first and begin with less identity-loaded sins, lying, theft, etc., to establish repentance and regeneration, letting sexual ethics follow as a result of the new birth? Well, I'm just giving my initial reaction. That sounds wrong-headed to me. I understand and the desire to be strategic in a certain sense as you approach it.

But it strikes me that it isn't like you can pick and choose because oftentimes the events are the things that make these issues front and center. Now, in some sense, I think there's wisdom there because if I am talking to a person who's gay, I'm not going to make their gayness the issue because that's not the issue. what's at issue is not their sexual proclivities, or mine or anybody else's, what's issue is the fallenness that we have before God. We're in rebellion to God.

And even if that wasn't the thing, the way we were rebelling against God, we'd have a whole bunch of others there. So that's the issue. The issue is since sins, it's sin. It's not the individual particulars, but it's sin. Now, sometimes, though, the circumstance presents itself in such a way that this is what needs to be addressed or spoken about. Think of, you know, think of Jesus with the woman caught in adultery. Now, my own view is I don't think that that's canonical, and there are good

reasons to think that it wasn't part of the original, but I think the story actually is true. It happened, and I have a number of reasons to think that it's authentic history. But in any event, given that account, Jesus, Jesus doesn't, he says, go and sin no more, because the adultery is right there front and center. And she's caught red-handed. Of course, it was a trap because where's the guy? Caught in the very act, you know, well, where's the other guy, you know? So, but nevertheless, Jesus addresses that go and sin no more. He's talking about, I mean, he's speaking broadly, but obviously the specific application is to the sexual sin that she was involved in, and sometimes that's it. I don't know about Beckett Cook or talking to Christopher. We know that both.

obviously, but it would be—I'd be interesting to see if it was—if in both cases, there was a strong conviction about this sin front and center in their life that was relevant to them coming to Christ. I would not be surprised. I mean, there are a lot of things going on, but, you know, but nevertheless, sometimes it is the thing. You are the man. Remember Nathan there with David, you know, you are the man. And then he's cut to the quick, right?

the quick, right? And he realizes he's guilty. And so sometimes there is a place for a surgical strike, so to speak, when talking about an individual sin. But I definitely agree with Bushi, if we're not trying to go into a gay pride parade and then tell people they're going to hill because they're gay. That's, I mean, that's silly. And it's disruptive and it's not useful. It just, in my view, it just depends on the situation. You know, Paul says in Colossians 4 that conduct yourself with wisdom towards outsiders, making the most of the opportunity, whatever the opportunity presents, essentially. Let your speech always be with grace, season as it were with salt, so you know how to respond to each person.

So there's a sense there where there's, you know, be smart and be nice, but be tactical, be sensitive to the circumstances and what that, what that, individual needs. And, I mean, some people say, we just got to be led by the spirit. I don't think that's the way it works. I think the Holy Spirit is working in the background. But I don't think this is like some spiritual sensitivity we're tapping into to know exactly how to proceed. We use our best judgment in that circumstance, trusting God to use what we've said. And, you know, sometimes you do a lousy job, sometimes better people respond. They don't. God is in control of all of that. So I wouldn't say that on balance that that's, the right strategy. I just say sometimes that's dictated by the circumstances. Other times

the sin, whatever the sin happens to be, this one we're talking about homosexuality, but it's so blatant that that is the particular thing that gets to the person's heart and they feel, I did this thing, and I'm so ashamed, and I'm broken inside. It's a particular sin that is the occasion of the awareness of this deep brokenness. So I would just say follow the circumstances as best you're able, trusting the Lord's going to use a gracious, thoughtful engagement. But I think it is a good idea to make sure they understand that everyone starts off in rebellion against God. They're not in a special category in that way. Everyone starts off. in rebellion, and that isn't their only sin.

So maybe something you could say would be, look, but even if we leave that aside for a moment, you know that you're a sinner. You have a problem. And we don't even have to argue right now about whether or not this is wrong, because I'm sure there are plenty of things we agree on that you know are wrong,

and we would agree or wrong that you have done. because I think sometimes people have the idea that I'm condemned to hell because of who I am. Because remember, they're equating this. And this is in the question, too, why this idea of moving to less identity-laden sense. Right. They equate that with who they are. And yes, we're sinners, but not just because of that. You're not beyond grace.

And maybe that's something you want to bring up, too. Hey, guess what? Paul said God saved him because he was the worst. And now we know anyone is, no one's beyond God's grace. So I've been thinking about a question that would be useful in conversations like this where people are kind of dodge moral responsibility. And the question is, it's very simple. Have you ever felt guilty for anything? Anything at all? You don't have to tell me what it was. just have you ever felt guilty? Well, of course, everybody has.

All right. Now, here's another question. Do you think that was a sense of false guilt or real guilt? And I think, especially if you're gracious with somebody in a conversation, it's a fair question, they're going to say, no, I think real guilt. So in other words, you have things that you are culpable for in your life. By the way, so do I. I got lots and lots of lots, maybe more than you. but that's the human condition.

Now what? So there is, that's kind of bad news. It's not Jesus loves you, which I don't think is that helpful, to be honest with you most of the time. And it's not the way Jesus communicated. Hey, everybody, I'm the guy who loves you.

No, he said a lot of stuff that really put people off, and it was a lot of the bad news. But, using just that little set of questions can help people focus in on the real issue, their genuine, true moral guilt. And in this case, their subjective awareness of it, their existential awareness of it. That's helpful.

All right, thank you so much for your questions. And we'd love to hear from you. Send us your question on X with the hashtag STR Ask or on our website at STR.org. This is Amy Hall and Greg Kokel for Stand to Reason.