Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 065 - Sebastian the Artist Shoots the Shit

Episode Date: March 16, 2015

Sebastian is a really talented artist who refuses to "sell out". He sits down with Kathy and they discuss everything from why he refuses to "sell out" even though he's majorly talented, adoption, the lessons they've both learned from failure, Kathy's baby journey and a whole lot more. Tune in to hear the details. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving it. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it. The temptation is just too much.

Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your reflect lie. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and check. Here are your hosts, Kathy Kay and Tommy. Hey, welcome Strictly on this podcast with Kathy. Kathy Kay, I think is my name on the show.

I don't know. I'm just as anonymous as my callers. If you want to follow me on Twitter, I'm going to do my intro, my thing that I do that I hate to do. If you want to follow me on Twitter, follow me at either Cartoon Therapy, at Cartoon Therapy or at Strict Anonymous. Subscribe to my podcast. If you're a listener and you haven't subscribed, you have subscribed. you get the episodes a lot sooner if you subscribe and also write me a review somebody wrote me a review last time which was really great I always love reviews um you could also buy my book the name of

my book is the cartoon misadventures of a total train wreck and you could find that on amazon.com it's an amazon kindle ebook people have been buying it nobody's really wrote in and tell me what they think so maybe people buy it and they don't read it or maybe it's other people buying my book i don't know because i don't really promote my book anywhere else it's just on amazon so i'm assuming It's listeners of my show that are buying it. If you actually read it, if you buy it and read it and you have an opinion, either write a review on Amazon if you love it or write it to me and send it to me at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com.

I also love for my listeners to give me my two cents, to give me their two cents of their opinions about my show or, you know, whatever. I have a couple of guys that write in all the time and I love it when they do, whether it's good or bad. You know, some few times they insult me. like I've gotten some emails. I have this one guy that, I don't think that he sets out to insult me,

but he definitely insults me a lot. He's also keeping tabs on how many guys I fucked. Like he'll, through my podcast. Like after I had that doctor guy episode, Dr. Guy is a total womanizer. If you haven't listened to that episode, you should listen to it because it's funny.

But after that episode, he emailed me and was like, you know what, Kathy? Like, that's the third guy you banged. You're going to start looking like a horror or some shit like that. And I was like, well, first of all,

how do you count three? Second of all, haven't I talked a million times for my podcast about the fact that I've banged tons of guys? I mean, three is not even close to the number, so I don't know why that's a secret. But so I even like, but my whole point of that is that I even like when people write in and critique me in a negative way because I think it's funny,

and I just like to know that people are listening, and I like to know what they think. Today I have a very, I've taped a lot of podcasts, and I was trying to figure out which podcast I was going to air today. I've already taped everything. But I taped a really interesting episode with a friend of mine who's an artist. And I was just going to hang out with him for the day. And I thought, okay, you know, I'm going to bring my podcast equipment because he's a really fascinating guy and he's really super smart and he talks a lot and he's interesting and odd. I thought I'll try and get an episode or a podcast out of it. I'll bring my equipment.

And we wound up talking. We wound up having like an hour conversation about really fascinating stuff. We talk about art. We talk about selling out. We talk about commitment issues. We talk about What else do we talk about? We talk about failure. We talk about life. We talk about Bob Dylan. We talk about it all. Well, he talks about Bob Dylan.

We talk about it all. And it actually is really interesting. He's an interesting guy. And the topics that we cover, like one thing just leads to another. And it's interesting. And I just thought, like, you know, I'm going to post that one today.

Because the other ones that I already have taped are very sex-oriented. And I know that a lot of you guys like that kind of stuff. But I like to throw in different things every now and then. So I'm going to air that. one today. His name is Sebastian. His fake name is Sebastian. And, you know, I have him on the call. If you want to be on the show, because I love to do other things, like I said, it's not just guys from Craigslist that I want to talk to. I like to talk to anybody that has a problem or anybody that's

interesting. Like my friend today, it's like we're not really talking about his problem. We're talking about his art and all the creative stuff that he does. And I think it's interesting. So if you're that type of person or you have a problem and you want to be on the show, email me at Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com and I'll have you on. And that's that. That's my intro. I hate doing these intros, but I think this one was okay, right? I don't know. Anyway, stay tuned. I'll be right back on with Sebastian. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you.

Send us an email Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Today I'm doing something,

I'm taping something at my friend's house, actually. I'm doing a totally different thing. Not my typical structure, but I figured to be interesting. I might not even erred if you're boring. But I have a friend of mine here, someone I grew up with.

He doesn't want to say his real name. which we're going to talk about because it's like ridiculous. I mean, I'm not going to out his real name, but I think the reason that he doesn't want to put his real name on is ridiculous. And that's just, we'll get into that eventually. So we're going to call him Sebastian. Sebastian's a guy I grew up with in Jersey. That's where we grew up.

And he's an amazing artist. He's also a musician. He's also a writer. He's a lot of different things. And he's also very opinionated and really brilliant and odd. So I figured I'd have him on my show and we talk. He knows a lot about me. And we were trying to figure out, oh, what are we going to talk about?

He's like, let's just talk about, like, how crazy you were when you were younger or whatever. And I was like, okay, we could talk about that because I know that my listeners are always writing in and they want to know stuff about me. But I'm sure that it will get into other things, right? Right. I mean, and this is the deal. Like Sebastian has a band and he's playing at a big venue soon and he doesn't want to promote that. And I'm like, why don't you want to? He's like, I just don't want to position myself on a podcast.

And I'm like, but everyone has podcasts nowadays. Like exactly that's why I don't want to do it. He's like one of those artistic people who don't want to be famous and are very anti-anything good. Resisting success. Yeah, exactly. And you think that that makes you, do you think that that, like, maybe we'll just talk about this because I think it's an interesting thing because there's a lot of creative people like you.

Do you think that that makes you like, do you look at people or people that are creative, right, that are looking for success and that have that drive as like beneath you or as like a shallow or like whatever? I think a creative person shouldn't have the other side of themselves as a promotional tool, something that obviously ends in commerce all the time. If it's not commercial, then what is it? If you're not on a podcast, then who are you? If you're not on Facebook, then who are you?

That sort of thing. And I just believe still that a creative world is a sacred place where a true artist would dwell. And once their mind sort of wanders off into like, look at me, look what I can do, it sort of takes on a different role. Right. So that's why you still live with your parents and you're like almost 50. Well, I'm almost 50. It's true.

But this is the interesting thing about Sebastian and this is what I find so fascinating. If you're like, oh, he's almost 50 and he still lives in a home with his parents, you'd be like, oh, that's so, like, not cool. But if you know the fact that he's lived in Paris and he's had shows there and he's lived around the world and he's lived in the city, yet he winds up back at his parents.

It's like it creates this fascinating sort of story of who you are and what you buy into and what you don't, which makes you a very complicated person. Well, if you want to talk about living with your parents, which I find funny that you would bring that up once again, because what does that have to do with artistic creativity? No, nothing, because you're talking about selling out. I think that you, like, there's a lot of creative people

that think that people that actually, like, promote themselves and do that stuff are, like, selling out. Yet I don't think, I don't think that they are. I think that it's not, I think that people that are creative and also business-oriented or have that drive. If they just have that other part of them, it's not like they sort of are giving up their creativity to have that. They have that. And I think that's the difference between the really successful people and not.

They're not just creative, but they also have that workaholic business side of them. They're splitting, too. They're splitting too. And that's something that I'm not willing to do yet because I'm still creative in four fields, four mediums. That's music, painting, sculpture, decorative arts. I mean, I'm just all over the place. And it's very difficult to have a fifth persona, which is one that promotes all of those things. I've been told many times to do this and to go in different avenues.

But I sort of, what we started to talk about before at the cafe was sort of let things come to you. Yeah, keep it up to your mouth. It sounds better. You can hear the difference. See how much by that song? A singer should know that. You're not even not even talking normally right now. Why not?

I don't know. You're not talking like yourself. You're like putting on a little bit of a persona because you're on the show just to be yourself. This is the deal, though. You're amazing at all of those things. That's what I think you're just like so creative. it almost makes you like your own worst enemy because you're so complicated because you're not just like if you were just an amazing painter that would be one thing maybe you could focus on but you're also like an amazing artist a writer and you're like great at music and you have all these different things and you really are talented thank you but i don't think i'm putting on a different persona yes you are dude but i don't think on a different persona yes you are trying to speak slow and think clearly that's Why.

Just be yourself. Well, I am being myself. You're not, first of all, okay, you don't need to think clearly. You just need to, like, if I watch a lot of Judge Judy. And when she says, like, if you don't, if you just tell the truth, you don't have to, like, think about it. But I am telling the truth. Okay. Just don't be, there's no being contrived.

You don't have to be contrived or thought out. Just, you know, we could just riff. Like, we're just riffing on here. But there's no editing. Why do I find you the contrived one? I've never contrived. You just said before, like, I've been the same person all my life. How am I contrived?

You seem like you're changing now because maybe you think you have a podcast and you have a billion listeners. No, no, no. You're trying to act the role of the podcast person. No, no, no. I'm the host, so I have to guide it. You're the host. I do have a more. I have to be a little bit more.

But I'm your guest. So I'm trying to act like a guest. I'm trying to speak clearly and think clearly. That's all. I'm not acting like somebody else. This is the deal. Me and Sebastian, and I was saying this before because I met him and his girlfriend for brunch that I don't get along with him sometimes on a certain level because I could hurt his

feelings because you happen to be very sensitive. So I'm hurting your feelings now and you're going to start lashing out on me. No, I wasn't going to lash out on you. Okay, good, okay. No, let's get back to the whole thing. I mean, I didn't think we were going to talk about. I mean, I think you're hugely, like, talented, like, more so than any of my friends that are artists, like, for sure.

Your shit is, like, amazing. You've had shows in Paris, right? Like, you've had your own gallery showings, right? Two years in Paris. Yeah, and you did, like, really well. And just, I wish you would promote yourself. I mean, we get into that whole thing. I just think that there's people like you, and then there's people that aren't like you.

And people like you think that you're selling out if you were promoting yourself and making money and trying to be famous. But I don't think that that's a bad thing. I just don't know. The world today, it just seems like it's not really, I feel like I'm out of time, out of step with the world today. You know what I mean? Maybe I live in the past. Maybe you could say before it's time, after it's time. But I don't feel like a part of the current famous people of the world.

I said it before, I'd be slightly embarrassed if I was one of those, to quote Prince, one of those motherfuckers. You know, like when he didn't go to, was it, what was it live? Well, your mic on your mouth. I'm trying to remember what it was. I think it was live aid. You know, just Prince was going to be one with Michael Jackson and Boy George and all that stuff. And he just sort of blew it off and everyone came down on him pretty hard. They were like, well, you know, how the hell this is for a good cause, feed the world, you know.

And he said he didn't really want to be part of those people. I sort of relate to that. He's his own person, his own individual artist, and he didn't want to be, oh, Prince, you are an artist just like these people, just like Michael Jackson, just like Boy, George and Darryl Hall and John. But he is hugely famous, though. You can't take that away from him? No, I wouldn't.

And you think that that bothers him? Like, I, like... No, I just mean I relate to the statement and his decision, and I don't know why I brought that up, but it's sort of the only thing I can touch tangibly with how I relate to the art and music of today, 2015. I just don't fit into it, you know, and that's it. So I'm not going to try. Right.

But as an artist, forget about, like, getting your stuff out there to millions of people to make money is one thing, but isn't the sort of, like, don't you want to sort of have more people experience your art in ways? And so if you have to get famous to do that, like, but more people will be touched by your stuff. Like, isn't that important to you? It is in a way. Yeah, I would like to get things out there for people to see.

And I try in my own way to, you know, booking theater. is on my own because in New York here, the music seems difficult. There's a, you, you open up the village voice, and there's about, you know, 50 bands playing at the same place in one night, and the tiniest little lettering, you could barely read the names, and the names barely make sense, and it just seems like there's no, nothing to touch anymore, nothing real, nothing that you'd want to go. You really blend in, it's almost like a phone book, you know, you look in the phone book, and you're just one of the names.

And I don't know what I'm really, I'm not really trying to be like in the biggest lights at the Apollo Theater. that's not what I mean, but I do feel like my art and my music has a certain identity, a certain spirit to it, and I don't want to defame it. What's the word? I don't want to demean it. Yeah, demean it is the right word. By just throwing it in there in an attempt or to gain popularity where, you know, I more look at myself as someone like a Van Gogh personality, someone who sort of worked and struggled through experiences to try to create a great body of work, which won't be judged until the final masterpiece is complete at the end of someone's life.

Right. I remember, you know, and this is why I was motivated to write my book and put it out there. There's a guy Norman Vincent Peel, I call him MVP. Like someone once recommended his book to me. You can, if you think you can, some shit like that. I don't know. It was a self-helpy book, which I love. And this book literally changed my life.

And I remember walking down the street thinking, like, this dude is dead. and he literally is changing my life. Like this man has like changed my life and he's not even alive. And that is like the most powerful thing. And I think as an artist, if you're creating something, that's what you want to do. You want to, you know, when you leave that mark or that book or that painting

or that, you know, music, you know, there are songs that, you know, we were talking about Chris Cornell. He's one of my favorite. Like that I will listen to that, that helped me get through times, you know, and that. And so to me it's so powerful at any moment to know

that somebody, your thing that you created could be doing that for, somebody else, whether you're here or not, right? And isn't the whole purpose? Exactly. And the work itself, you know, whether you're standing before, one of the paintings, seeing the sculpture in the right light, listening to a tune late at night with the headphones on, you know, these are the things that really change our lives and bring us to another place and show us the light or maybe share in the darkness, however you want to say. But I, you just sort of keep your name clean, keep yourself clean during

your lifetime and not, you know, everything you do is sort of, these days, you know, everything you do is documented, you know, every quote you say, every, you know, post that you post, right? But is that why you try to stay out of it so you're not? I do. I do. So nothing is, I mean, you literally in your parents' house in this little town in this little place that I'm not going to out you out, like, you have like the most amazing artwork I've

ever seen in like your garage. It's like crazy to me because I've been there and I see this, your body of work is insane and your stuff is like really great. And it's just like there in the middle of nowhere, no one would have any idea. And it's like this brilliant stuff. So you might just have to die. I might.

But you know, every artist die. And then your girlfriend could go to your garage and she could just take everything out and sell it. And then she'll make all the money. That'd be fine with me. And that's really what I think will eventually happen. Right. But, you know,

people have come in, psychotherapists, you know, I've come into my garage, you know, back in the days, you know, burning heat.

I mean, I'm telling you, you suffer as an artist in that garage in a hundred degree heat with turpentine, with this, failing every step of away because it is not easy to create something great. You have a high standards as an artist. My competition is not, you know. It's yourself.

It's not Castabi. It's Michelangelo and myself. You know, and I'm looking at the great ones and trying to emulate something like this. And yet be original, which is really difficult because so many things have been done, everything's been done, but not everything. Right.

Because when you can take a rhythm to painting and a visual to music, and you can blend all these different things with an understanding of form and, you know, and writing and literature and, you know, make them into one new art form. I mean, that's sort of what I've been trying to get at. It's a blend it all together? It's, well, in a sense, like just the influences of each thing, you know?

A lot of reading, a lot of psychology, a lot of philosophy, Eastern and Western, you know. My whole life, I've just utilized that kind of learning since I was very not educated in my earlier years, which you remember me. I mean, I had maybe a, you know, a tenth of the brain. Maybe we both had a tenth of the brain that we have today. No, but I always remember you to be super smart.

Well, I wasn't. Oh. Well, educate, like, I mean, listen, IQ and education is two different things. You know, somebody could have, you always had a very super high IQ. I have a high IQ. And that's you're just born with. But then education or whether, how educated you are is a whole different story. When people have come into the garage, the few people, close friends of mine, you know.

And they have said that, you know, somehow it just blew. them away, the light, the certain colors, you know, the way that it was set up there in the room. They almost had a drug experience, and that's what they said to me. And that's the kind of thing that I'm looking for. It's not always going to be in a gallery, the expected setting, you know, so to say, like, okay, naturally there's going to be paintings in a white gallery in Soho, and they're going to be, you know, and people are going to walk in and have their glass of wine. Wait, I have a great idea, because I'm a cheesy promoter at heart. So, and this is, I'm like your worst nightmare. Okay, I'm like a, I could be your PR version.

Okay, this is what you should do. When your parents die, no offense, you should keep their little house because it's so like the opposite of like the art that you do, right? And then you should like clean it out, make it like a little museum, then sell tickets on Craigslist and have people come over. And that would be a real, and you can get a lot of press for that because it's so different and unique. And you can have people come and turn it to like a little museum.

My parents collect precious moments, you know, and also like little gingerbread house for the Christmas. Oh, but keep those there. You know, keep putting your art through it, but get rid of the furniture and create like a, and charge two bucks. and have people come to your house as a museum. Well, honestly, I think that would be cool. In the future, you know how we all sort of throw the ball ahead

and we run and catch to it, you know. So my goal, which is slowly coming to fruition, and last night was a big step in that direction. We did a fundraiser last night at the Grant Hyatt and for one of my clients who's building most of the buildings around New York City and these days, and he's responsible for the World Trade Center, City Field.

The new World Trade Center. Yes, the New Trade Center. His brother is a major architect as well, and so we're going to be working together doing some lobbies and some of these big buildings. And now he's got a place out in upstate New York that's a farm, 100 acres, and it's just an amazing Frank Lloyd Wright-like existence

under the stars. And that's what I want to do. I want to be able to someday take my income from, and I only make income decorating these large buildings and mansions. Right, that's what you do now. You paint. I do murals, and I do, do these sort of abstract art lobbies, I guess you might say, but I started to get a little more

known for that instead of, for instance, like when I was in France selling bronze sculptures, it just didn't work and they wanted, you know, pink bulldogs and I was doing 19-central. How much were you selling those for? They were like 15. 50,000 euros. 50-5-0. Yeah, that was a big amount of money. And at that time, I started, but I didn't sell any and let it be known.

And so I started already thinking, wow, I can do what I wanted to do. I could make the museum upstate or wherever, maybe in the South of France, with this money. But two years didn't sell one thing. You know, it just wasn't going to happen. So when I got back, you know, I started to build it up back again by doing the decorative works. And so now I'm closer to my dream, which would either be in Portland, you know, as you suggested, we moved to or, you know, perhaps upstate New York, where I can get some acreage, maybe 20 acres, and do outside sculpture large. I'm talking about like 30 feet, 40 feet high pieces, and then have a giant barn where there's paintings

and we can even make it like Levant Helm barn where he has musicians, guests musicians coming, you know, I sort of like that stuff. In the middle of nowhere. In a bohemian sense, you know, and then maybe that will capture some of something, some energy from the time, from our 2015-2016 existence,

where it's back to the purity of the creationism of music can art and that's where I'm about sound and vision so I mean to me wasting my time with trying to promote yourself I did a road trip with one of my stinky boyfriends chapter something in my book I forget what chapter but he's in my book and we went through new mexico we found this like little pink house and it turned out it's like this artist who lives in this little pink house and you go to the door and you knock on it you're allowed to go in and like 80 dogs start barking at you and you have to get through them but once you go into his house he he brings you in his thing is he's like full. Like the floor to ceiling art like you have never seen before in the middle of the desert in the middle of this like wacky guy and he just lets you walk around his house. He doesn't bother you. He doesn't talk to you. It's just like the most amazing experience. It's called a little pink. I forget what there's a name for it and if you Google it and I went there and that's like what I picture you to be something. Maybe in Portland. I'm trying to get him to move to Portland. I've talked about Portland on my podcast after I got back because I was like could somebody call him from Portland? Because I don't think anyone fucks in Portland or gets late or has. sex. It's got the most unsexual vibe, but it's a fascinating place. Yeah, we talked about that. We met some people in Portland when I lived in Brooklyn, Williamsburg, and a lot of people migrated at that time back in the 90s from Portland, and they were all like mushrooms. You know, they just felt like these growth, nothing against

people from Portland. I only met you. I like Portland. It's like a really cool place. I was saying before, and I always say this out Portland, and someone told me that Austin, Texas is very much like Portland. That's the other place. That's the only other place. It's so specific that I feel like when you fly in a plane, they, they're not telling you this, but you fly through a black coal and then you go to another planet and then they tell you you're in America still or in the United States, but you're really not. I don't think you're on this planet because Portland is like another planet,

but you just don't, you're not told that. But listeners, when people tell you, you know, hey, there's a place that you should live, you should always listen because, you know, that's the signs of the universe and you sort of follow them sometimes and they can lead to wonderful, unexpected adventures. Sebastian doesn't understand that. Like, I told him a long time ago.

He was always, he always had these, like, I mean, one of his first apartments in the city was like this really, little tiny shitty. I mean, I think it was lopsided. The whole apartment was lopsided. But you made it like every, your attention to detail and because you're so artistic, you, the way you decorated your apartments was

like ridiculous. Besides the painting, even the way you place things and everything, I was always blown away by all of your apartments. I'd always be like you should be an interior designer or you should design people's houses. Like, that's what you should do because you're amazing at it. That's how it started. It started on that apartment on 59th Street under the

bridge there. It was lopsided. It was Lopside. It was a railroad apartment. And I just remember one painting that I did now, it brings it back to me. It used to hang in the kitchen. It was a six. It was the number six.

He turned it upside down. It was the number nine. He turned it the other side. And it was a woman with a ponytail. And you turned on the other side, it was a snake. And it really did in one line, sort of in a Japanese Zen painting way,

resembled all those things. But that's inconsequential, of course. But we decorated that place. Then was next one. And when I was both blown away by it, I'm at his, right now, I'm at his girlfriend's apartment with him up in Harlem. And it's like amazing because he's painted a lot and done a lot of work here is you had these

gold walls that you did. That it was the first time I ever saw that kind of stuff by you. Besides the paintings that you paint, you do stuff on walls. Like even it's just you paint a wall. But you do it with texture and like you gold leaf it and you do shit like that. And it was like that's what, yeah, it was like I was blown away by it. And I loved it so much. This is a fucked up thing.

I meant to bring it up because I wanted to apologize is that I once, you were getting rid of, then you moved to Brooklyn, you had an amazing apartment with your friend in Brooklyn that was also decorated. And you also had an act for like buying furniture and places in putting stuff together that looked great. And I want, you were giving away or you were selling couches. A whole living room set that was so amazing in your apartment. And I'm like, I want to buy them. And I think you sold them me for 200. And then you brought them all the way to my house.

And then you put them into my apartment and I was like, oh, I don't like them. Take them back. And like, I was thinking about that the other day. I was like, because I knew I was meeting everything. I was like, that's so fucked. Like what a cunt I was that I made you come all and then you left them in my hallway because you were so good. Yeah, you loved it in my only. Yeah, because I was exhausted, you know.

But I mean, I made you bring it to my house and I'm like, oh, I don't want these. You lived in Midtown. So I had a 69 Ford Ocone line van all shagged out, beautiful. And, you know, living in Williamsburg back in the days in the 90s. So anyway, we had the couch. I think we were moving somewhere else. And I was paying you for them. Yeah, yeah.

Don't know what we worked out, but I had, you know, I bust with them down the stairs. You know, it was. Up the elevator. It was one of those old heavy couches, you know, with a bed in them, no shit. And then I brought it down. No, there was no bed in it. I don't know. I think that was more classic looking than that.

It was very beautiful. Oh, okay. So I brought him in the van, had to deal with all the parking and all that stuff in front of your place. Brought it all the way up to my house. All right up through the elevator. Barely fit me. Just me. Just one person.

Brought it in there. You weren't even home, I don't think at the time. And then I left it there. You gave me the key, I believe. And then you texted. No, you couldn't have a text me. I had a phone. you probably just left a message on my answering machine and said,

I don't want them. I don't want them. I want them. Yeah. But then I never did. Of course, I just left in there. No, no, no. You came back.

But you must have not been able to get it back in. So you left it in my hallway. But I think like. Whatever happened then? I don't even know. But the thing about me that I know now is that I'm not good with change. Like, you can't even change my computer colors.

Do you know what I mean? Like without me freaking out and not like it. Control freak. I don't know what it is. But eventually I get used to it. I didn't realize that I would have loved those couches if you just let me sit with them for two days. I know many people like that.

There's one sitting next to me. Oh, your girls like that too? Well, she is someone who you can buy her a beautiful shirt. You can buy her a beautiful shirt. And you know, at first,

no, I don't want it. And then, you know, a little bit later. Next morning usually, try it on. Just see if you think.

Yeah, that's totally the way out. Yeah. Yeah. And then she might love it. It takes a little doing sometimes, you know? Yeah. I won't like it at first,

but then I wind up, I can't see my, I don't like to see something different. It always looks wrong to me. And then eventually I like it. And so I just didn't know that about myself at that time. I probably would have loved those couches because they were amazing couches. You were giving me a great deal. And I think back to myself and I'm horrified by the fact that I would make you give me my money back. Okay, which you did. And then make you take the shit out. Like how rude. You should have told me to go F myself. I probably did. But, you know, when you

have a child, when somebody has a newborn baby and will that be tough to sort of see, you know, something new, something brand new in the world. Oh my God. You're talking about my baby. No, not really. No, I wasn't really talking about you. I was just saying like, you know, when a mother has a child and there it is right out of you, is it hard to accept, I wonder, like that newness.

Oh, that's a totally different thing. You're comparing an inanimate object like a couch to a baby? I am. Yeah, well, that's because Matt has mommy issues. He was adopted and he thinks his mother looks at him as an evil spawn seed that she got from the hospital. I'm not sure. So now you think everyone thinks that.

No, no. I can only judge by my only judge. experiences, you know, can't. Yeah, but you have, but first of all, I think the way you look at your childhood and your mom, like your mom, you know, you say is evil, quote, unquote. No, no, no. Okay, whatever you say about

your mom, no knows you are, be honest, okay? You say that you had issues and you really believe, this is a woman that had five miscarriages or whatever and had to eventually adopt a baby. And when she got you, you believe that she got you and decided that you were evil and treated you accordingly for the rest

of your life and was terrible to you. Sometimes I just don't know. I just wonder if she might be thinking, you know, what if, you know, what if my other children had survived? Maybe I wouldn't be stuck with this, you know, totally different person, not my DNA, not my blood. That is opposite, you know, her way of life, a Christian. Yeah, but just so you know, my mother, okay, my father's a priest, a reverend, whatever you want to call him, a religious man, okay? And my mother is the type of woman that would marry a religious man. And I have nothing like that, okay?

I couldn't have been more opposite my mother. I'm completely out of the box. And so, and I was their genetics. It has nothing to do with genetic. Just because someone's genetically your child, you could be complete opposites as well. Okay, I'll take your word for it because I remember there was a certain instance where I was in, you know, a college in New York City and a photography class and I needed a project.

Oh, okay. That's fine. Yes, of course. No, so I said, you know, hey, well, why don't we do it in your dad's church, you know? You want to take pictures of me, topless in my dad's church. It wasn't just about the toplessness of it. It was sort of a juxtaposition.

I can remember the photograph very well. It was a juxtaposition between the stained glass window that had all these sort of worshipping saints, you know, and they were all looking up to God and the light shining through and had Kathy wear the altar boys robe with a crucifix, you know, rosary beads. around her neck and, you know, it was sort of a silhouette. It was just side boob.

It wasn't even front boob. It was artistic. It wasn't like a dirty picture. It really came out nice and I got an A in the project. No, you won. Yeah, won something. I won some cash or something.

No, yeah, it was a connoisse because you went around saying, I took naked pictures of the priest's daughter and the priest's church. It was very, you know, it was an art. It was controversial. That was great.

Listen, and my church was behind my house when I was growing up. Yes. So, you know, to me it wasn't a church. It was like some people had a, pool. I had a church. So that was my place where I would go with friends and I mean this is so terrible to say but we would literally smoke

weed in the basement. We would steal liquor. I would bring boyfriends in there to fool around and I did. On the altar? It's so terrible. I don't think I ever did it on the altar. I was a little superstitious but I would do different things in that place. So yeah and my so that just shows you that you could, genetics

has nothing to do with being similar. I mean I think genetics has to do with having certain personality traits like the other person but you could be completely opposite your child, whether your genetics or not, you weren't opposite your mom and dad because you weren't their genetics. Your mom didn't hate you because of that.

Not in the beginning. I'm not saying my mother really hate. Maybe I said hate, but that was a strong word. I don't really mean that. I mean, she has a great deal of love and protection for me, of course. She's critical, you said? Oh, yeah, very critical of everything. I can't just say she's just critical of me.

Everything in her vision she criticizes, you know? Right. I sound a little bitter. I don't mean to come off that way. But I think when anyone reaches a certain age, they no longer become their mother's child. You know, they just sort of think on their own and do things on their own. And sometimes mothers resent that, perhaps. And that's where the separation becomes.

It's like another umbilical cord being cut, you know. And just, I might say, just you keep bringing it up like, you know, still lives as parents, still lives as parents. And you did at least say that I lived in other countries most of my life. So I'm back at my parents' house for the last five years. because basically my parents are sick and elderly. And being an adopted child, you know, I'm the only child. I can't abandon them. I feel like they took me from the abyss, basically.

I mean, I don't remember it, of course, but I could have ended up in a garbage can for all I know. And my mother did take me from that, despite the fact that, yes, she did have a few miscarriages. And I think psychologically she needed to have a child. She needed somebody. Or she wanted to. Do you think it need? Maybe she wanted to. Well, need and wonder.

very similar things. Not really. Okay. That's debatable. Let's debate that. I mean, what do you mean need and want are similar? Desire? Well, there's only two emotions they say is desire and fear. It's either you want something or you don't or you can't have the courage to get it.

Right, but sometimes what you need and what you want can be completely two separate things. Maybe. What do you think? You know, people do have the babies because they need to have a baby? No, that most of the time they do it because they want to. It's a desire or want. Not a need. A need is I think is very different.

I think it's semantics, just a word that means the same thing. But, you know, that's just my quick opinion. I have to really, I'd really have to do. Right. If you're talking about just the sort of feeling of desire, then that to me, I say desire is a want. But maybe you think desire is a need if you're talking semantics. But maybe if you're just talking about desire, then you say your mom desired a baby. Because she needed it.

See, that's not so bad. You're using different words. So you are saying need in a different way than desire. or want. Maybe. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, I'm not so stupid. You can't back me in a corner.

So you believe your mother needed a baby, but maybe not wanted it, and that's why she was a little resentful. Well, I believe she wanted and needed it. Okay. I don't think, I can't think back and see my mother's life without a child, even though it was me, so that's like a subjective thing. I think she would have been a wreck. Without a child.

Her life wouldn't be fully formed. Yeah, she was a born mother. In fact, she only is happy when she's caring for someone who needs help. You know, she's a caregiver. She's a nurture. And she, you know, one after the other, you know, her sister died and she took care of her. Her mother before that, my father now very ill, you know. So it's like she's there in her nervous state constantly, and that's where she's most comfortable.

You know, everyone has their calling in life, and it's just you can't really choose your destiny all the time. I mean, sometimes it's put on you. And that's been her destiny. she embraced that and she's a very strong woman and she has God, you know, and God is her. Right, but you started off the cover. It was something about, you said something weird about having a child, like we were talking about couches and you were like, would somebody have a baby and then just look at it and say, would you really feel that way?

But of course not. No, well, you had said something like, you know, not good with change. Not good with change. You can't change your computer screen and anything new. No, I'm not, I'm very good with, right, change. I'm not good with visual change. I'm very visual, so I see things a lot. Like, I could tell things that are upbound.

So if something changes in my vision, it could be distracting to me because I am very visual. Like, I've done IQ test for a visual thing. I'm like a visual genius. So that could fuck me up. Just what I see, not how I'm not feeling wise. It's not feeling wise change. Okay, where there's not, where there's just a hospital bed, you close your eyes and then you open your eyes and there's an infant there, you know, suddenly appearing.

And like, I just wondered if that. that maybe change, you know, because you know your whole life is changed instantly. I mean, as a mother. Yeah, that's great. That kind of changes exciting to me. I'm always changing my life. It can't not be exciting. How do you know?

What if it's something that you didn't expect it to be? No, because I know myself. I know what drives myself. I like to do things that are hard. I don't know why. I mean, like literally, I go to the gym. I torture myself and then I walk out and I'm like, did we even, I'll say to my friend, like, did we even do anything?

And they'll be like, Kathy, what are you kidding? Like, I like torture. I like doing things that are hard. I like to take the heart. Like I like a challenge. I like to be really busy. Like those are the things that I think having a child will be. And then you know what's going to be?

The icing on that cake is like there's all this other like amazing stuff. I think of like the hardest thing. And that's what I'm sort of driven for because I sort of dig that kind of a challenge. That's my personality type. I don't know anybody. Anybody that has a baby that doesn't have like amazing like love for it. Like you know, I knew a couple of women that didn't. And they and you know, but it changed.

I must say, like at first, you know, they were tortured by their children and they said, you know, they're like two devils, you know, and I can't live with these kids. I'm going to go crazy, you know, and I said, just remember, you're the mother of the devil, you know, you should be the ruler. You shouldn't be ruled by these infants, you know, telling you what to do, you know. But then as time went by and through a divorce, you know, now she lives for the children and they're her life, you know, so it's like, it just changes. Yeah, I don't worry of it.

I, because I tend to think of things more, I see all the hard things about things. Like even when like I quit drinking or quit smoking, I was like when I quit smoking, the first thing I did, I said, okay, the hardest thing for quitting smoking is going to be drinking and not smoking. So what am I going to do? I'm going to drink the next day and get drunk and not smoke. You do you understand? Like I'll always think about the hardest thing and tackle that first. So then everything gets easier. That's my nature.

So my whole thing with the baby is like I think of all the hard stuff I'm going to have to deal with. And I'm already on board. I'm not even thinking of the great stuff. That'll be more of the surprise. I'm not the unrealistic person that's thinking of all the great. great things and I'm going to be fucking shocked by this stuff. I'm more the opposite. I see more the challenges and I see the hard stuff and I try to think to myself,

could I do the hardest thing, which is going to be waking up all the time and all that stuff? And if I want to sign up for that, then I sign up. Do you understand? Yeah. And then I do that. And that's how I tackle stuff. And then I think I'm always surprised because I am not thinking of the good stuff.

I'm not in fantasy land that way. Do you understand? If anything, I think of a little bit more negative, I think more of the hardship. It's funny. I apply things sometimes because I'm not a father. And, you know, I apply things to art all the time. So what you say reminds me of a thing that I follow. And it's sort of like, you know, when you're doing a painting,

you look at the worst part of the painting, but then you try to make it the best part. Or if you record, you know, I'm on my ninth record, actually. And, you know, you look at a song, 10th song on the record is the worst one. You just fix it up somehow and you make it the best song on the record. And suddenly it pieces together as something real. And you can apply that to relationships. You can apply that to anything.

Yeah. like I said, I see the way I work out or the way I live my life in all different aspects, I tend to go after the hardest thing because I like to be challenged. You know what I'm saying? I like to walk up a higher hill. I don't want to walk flat. Like, I like to be challenged. It keeps me interested.

I get bored very easily. It's just the way that I roll. So I like, and I like to be tortured or something I think. I believe this is what it is because I'm very disciplined and I can do hard things really easily because my father was very abusive growing up. And I find that my friends that had parents that were very sort of abusive could deal with harder things better and that they like it because maybe it's like a way of survival when you're younger.

I don't know. But I tend to be attracted to that stuff. Everything I do, I take the harder route and I'm fine for it. You know what I mean? Not just like my life. Even having a baby has been one of the hardest things. Most people just like, you know, fuck once and have a baby, you know, not me. It's taken me three years I've gone through so much.

It's been one of the most difficult things. But you know what? One day when I'm on my death bed and I look back what I have changed my life. life anyway no it's been it's more of an adventure the stuff that I go through always changes me it's always fascinating and it's always a challenge but I enjoy the journey you know it's not like always you get to the end goal and then what do you have you know people always fail my journey has always been amazing people always fail and failure is like let me tell you I have to fail a thousand times failure has been my I told my friend the other day because I was always very commitment phobic and I was

always had a massive fear of relationships or being trapped I always saw it as like this really horrible thing. And it wasn't until I sort of committed to wanting to have a baby and until I failed miserably at it over and over and over and over and over and over again, that it really removed my fear of commitment. Do you understand? Because really what I think a fear of commitment is a fear of failure. And the only way to get over your failure of failure is to fucking fail and just keep failing and to fail at something that you want so bad. Like this wasn't something like, oh, you know, you fail at something little and you're like, oh, who gives a shit and you can laugh it up. This was a game changer.

Every time I tried to have a baby, this was either I have a baby or I don't, and it's what I really wanted, and it didn't happen. And it kept happening to me, and it made me a stronger person, and it made me less afraid of committing to things, and it never did it make me change my mind about having a baby. It only made me have more conviction and made me realize how much I wanted it. And now I realize that that's how I have to be with everything. Like, you could fail, and you know what? You move on, and you get over it.

you go again, but it was great for me. It's a physical failure was an amazing thing for me. I mean, if you want to call it a failure, it's a physical failure, not a mental failure. But it was, but you feel it on every level. If you could wish to have a child, then you would have it. But it's, it's something to do with biology that's not entirely your fault. I mean, I, no, I try to have it, listen, if you really think about it logically,

okay, and you just take all emotion out, it's like I was too old to be successful at having a baby. It would take me a really long time. It wasn't like I was 25 in trying to a baby. I wasn't having it. I was in my 40s. It takes a long time. But, you know, I'm a woman, so I can't just think logically. My emotions were attached to this. It was something that I wanted. So everything else came into play. So when I failed, I didn't just fail on a physical level. Plus, I was having a baby with somebody else. So I'm a part of a team. As a woman, when you're

trying to have a baby with a man and you don't get pregnant, you take that on. You feel bad, not just for yourself. You feel like you let your partner down. You know what I mean? Because I was doing everything. So it was failure on every level. But Like I said, I believe in the journey. I'm glad when I went through. I'll be a better mom because I went and it taught me so much. So it was like a wonderful experience in a weird way. You touched on something.

You know, failing. I don't mind myself. I don't mind failure on my own level. It's letting other people down that really, you know, affects me the most, you know? Yeah, just saying. Yeah, that's why it's like good you do things on your own as much as you can. Well, there's another side of the coin. At the same time, other people can fail you.

You know, you can build up a whole big project and trust a producer and trust a gallery owner, you know, and all of a sudden they let you down. And that hurts just as much because, you know, you realize that you've got to do everything on your own, you know. What's the old phrase? You know, you want something done right? Do it yourself. Yeah. That's true. But sometimes, though, the weird thing is, is for the baby thing, I had to actually take myself out of the equation.

I had to, like, you know, because I wasn't getting pregnant physically on my own, I had to get a surrogate. And so that was also another part of the process where I had to let. of actually doing it myself, trust and hand over all of the jobs that were my jobs to other people and trust that they're going to do it for me and help me and be a part of a team. And I think that that has been important for me with my fear of commitment because I think, you know, being in a relationship is about giving up that trust to other people and expecting them or trusting them to pick up that slack or do what they need to do and you be okay with it. So me being a part of a team and having other people help me has been good because I think you have to have that

balance. It can't just be like, oh, I could only be by myself and do things on my own because I think it's great to have other people to rely on and help you. To the greatest compliment in the world to be trusted by someone. Yeah. To know that somebody has your back and you have their back and it's the greatest thing. They entrusts everything. You know, once you let somebody down sometimes, I think Nietzsche, Frederick Nietzsche, the German philosopher, might have said it, you know, I'm not upset that you lied to me. It's just that I, you know, I, you know, I, I could never trust you again, you know, because even if you do it once, that's a character trait and a character failure and then you know what you're dealing with.

Well, the weird thing I told my surrogate recently, because when I was having the baby with the guy friend of mine, I remember the last time we had the IVF together, I was like devastated because I felt like he really didn't want it as much as I did. And I felt like here I am putting 150% into this. And he's putting it, even if it's 99%, if it's not 100%, how are we going to make this happen? Like I needed him on board as much as I did because I was really trying for a fucking miracle. And I remember feeling exhausted because I couldn't put in his part. Do you understand?

Yeah. I couldn't do it. And I knew he wasn't really there like I was. Now, fast forward to I have this surrogate having the baby for me. And this girl, it's not only her. It's all of her friends. It's her family. I have like this whole team of women.

I'm always like it takes a village, you know, sort of rooting for me and being there for me. And it's such a different experience. And it's like more, it's better. than when I was doing it with my guy because I feel like she's really on board. She wants it as much as I do. Plus she has friends helping her. And I think that that's important when you're working towards something. And isn't that really the lesson we all learn in life to just keep going,

no matter how many times you get knocked down, you know, that was always meant to be. I know it sounds cliche, but all those knockdowns and all those failures are what made you get to where you are today. And the end result, what I was speaking of before about, you know, the final masterpiece that really rings true. you know, just, I'm not bringing it back to me necessarily, but, you know, when I die, you know, a penniless, like, you know, starving artists or whatever, if that's the case, you know, someday someone will walk into the garage and there you'll see my soul. Blown away. There you'll see my spirit.

And then, you know, God knows what will happen after that. Right. But I never gave up and I never will. I just tweeted the other day. I saw a great quote and it said, I forget who it was. Confucius. It says it doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. Slow and steady wins the race.

Yes. I love that. And that's true. You know, I used to when I was really younger, and I think a lot of spiritual people use their spirituality as a way to sort of quit things and sort of be the opposite of what we're discussing. Because when I was young, I was very spiritual. And I would just be like, oh, if it's meant to be, it'll happen.

And if not, and if something happens that isn't right, then it means it's not supposed to be, you know. And I've been talking to a lot of my younger girlfriends and telling them about, like, freezing their eggs. Because I really never realized how hard it is. Like, you don't have an idea as a woman if you want to put off having kids later in life. like, you know, what kind of time you'll be. And so I've been trying to get my younger girlfriend that maybe are thinking that they want babies.

So freeze their eggs just in case they change your mind. So they don't have to go through what I go through. And this is just a little story about what we're talking about. And so I meet up with my old roommate and she's about to turn 40. And this bitch is so commitmentphobic and psychotic. She's not getting a boyfriend anytime soon. But I think like if she froze her eggs now, if she got a boyfriend when she's 46 or whenever, if she had 40-year-old eggs, that would help the situation.

So I was trying to talk her into. If you want a baby, just do it. And she said, okay, she's going to do it. She goes home to L.A. She sets up the appointment and I email her like, did you, did you do it? Did you go through? How many? And she said, oh, no, I decided not to.

Like, I, you know, the day before I was supposed to go in and start my cycle, this thing happened and it was like really weird and I felt like it was a sign. And then I called the doctor's office and they said, the girl agreed with me. And I was just like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you know what I mean? To think that there's some sign that comes in and says, oh, you shouldn't do this and that's right. It's like, I think the opposite now.

You see something and it's a roadblock. you're supposed to go over it. Do you understand? The people sometimes think the opposite, like, oh, that happened. She thought it happened so it wasn't meant to be, so she's not supposed to do anything. It's like, no. Sometimes you're tested in life to say, like, is this really what you want? If it's really what you want, you'll fucking move mountains for it.

Do you know what I mean? You'll fail 15 times and do all this stuff. I was a petrified. I didn't take an antibiotic my whole life. I shot myself up with thousands of needles for my IVF. I did so much stuff that was my biggest fear, you know, to have my baby. And that's what I needed to prove to whoever or whatever in my life to get what I want. And that's when you know you really want something.

If you're going to say I'm going to do something and one problem is going to happen and you're going to be, oh, it's meant to be. That's a bullshit excuse. That's fear. So many people I met along the way have always said, you know, well, you know, it's amazing. You can paint this way. And I said, well, you can too. It's pretty easy.

All you have to do is sort of be obsessed by it. No, I could never do that. I can never do it. And just, you know, exercising those words, I could never do. that is pretty much nail in the coffin and you're not going to ever do it if you convince yourself through your mind that you can never do it but the truth is anybody can do anything any right but i do believe though that your talent like i'm looking at your past because i was obsessed no you're not just you have a god given talent and everybody's god given talents are different you know your girl sitting

here has her god given talent my god given talent is my thing so it's not painting but you whatever it is to me that you love to do that you do naturally that then that's like your thing but that's your Not everyone could be a painter like you. Maybe, though. I don't know. It's not meant to be kind of thing that you just said ties into that. I think people are born with all different kinds of things. The world needs all kinds of people.

If you wanted to be a painter, you could be a painter. If you're not interested, not obsessed, not intrigued by it, then you won't be. Right, exactly. Totally. Yeah, that's all I mean. Right. You know, when I was 14 years old, I had a guitar. Well, actually, when I was five years old, my cousin gave me his guitar.

You know, I brought it home. My mother made me lending, back to my mother again, made me lend it to a neighbor who broke it. Right. That's another story. I actually broke something over his head, and that was a strange thing. But I'm not a violent person, but that happened when I was very young because that was the way I acted out. But I didn't pick up another guitar until I was maybe 17 years old, and, you know, I couldn't play two chords together.

And my goal was someday, I don't care if I'm 50 years old at the time and I was 40. You know, someday I'd like to string two chords together and be able to sing just a line, you know, just something. But I was not talented in it. But, you know, and all of a sudden, nine records later, I feel I couldn't put the guitar down over the years there. It was a period between like 25 and 35 where I just couldn't put the guitar down. You know, you go to the bathroom, you're taking a piss, and there's your guitar strapped around your back. Right. You know, that kind of thing.

And that's what you wanted to do. Right, that's what you wanted to do. Maybe I wanted to, and maybe it was another force driving me towards it because there's also another way of thinking that there's some kind of force out there that's really pushing you towards these things. And you're not really pushing you're not really pushing the button. Sometimes I feel like there is a force that's making me do these things that I'm, not sure I want to because just want to say it's very frustrating you know being an artist is very frustrating especially if you are looking for accolades and looking for a pat on the back and oh you're great you know but you're not so what's frustrating to you right now as an artist you're making

enough money to survive you're doing it the way you want to whenever you fucking want to you know so you're like how where's your frustration lie you shouldn't have it my frustration honestly lies in my you said it before like being your own worst critic you know because if I may say, you know, my taste has gotten better over the years, right? So I'm looking at what I did in the past, and that's another thing. What you did in the past could be the best stuff that you've ever done. You don't necessarily get better as you get older. You hope to, don't you?

You think you do and you hope to. You don't want to max out when you're 25. And you think you're going towards something, but then sometimes you go back to the purity of what you, the initial way, you know, your first impression, let's say. You know, many times you grab a guitar and you start to sing something and melody over it, it doesn't make any sense. And then it craft itself into this, like, wonderful concerto or something.

And you're like, wow, this is really big and really great. But then you go back to the original recording, and it had this, like, just innocent purity to it where, you know, for instance, Joni Mitchell's first album, you know, which David Crosby produced, he had said one of the greatest things he ever did was just leave it alone. He didn't add strings. He didn't add piano, you know, extra pianos. But, you know, that's what I'm trying to say is, like, you never really know where

you're at. You're sort of a derelict in outer space. Like, we all are. on a planet. Right, but I think as long as you're growing and evolving and changing and moving forward as a person, your work will always reflect that. And that's the kind of person that you are. Perhaps. If you're, if you're, if you're, if you maxed out at 25 and your, your, your best work was then, then you're just like, you haven't moved forward yourself. Like, you just haven't evolved. Just bought Dylan's new album. To me, there's no way not to sort of, your stuff has to evolve with you.

Yes, yes. Shadows in the night, you know, and it's a, and what you said is true in the sense of this way, because, you know, he had all his earliest work in the 60s. and seven, you know, great records like desire and whatnot, but he comes up with this album, Shadows in the Night, and I think it's his best work ever. He's really hit it this time. In the last few years, I think he's finally found his voice, and it is that wise

old man's voice that you know, wants to talk about everything, because he has all the experiences of freedom of the 60s, of, you know, a growing older relationship, you know, all the criticisms that he's gotten, which I always find interesting about Dylan, because he's hailed as one of the greatest minds in the world

ever, and yet when you listen to his song, he's really bitching all the time about like why does everybody bust my balls basically right right and you leave me alone you know and it's it I would love to get into the mind of his you know we're actually my girl and I are going to see him on uh April 10th you know at the Borgata and I've always said I want to see Dylan before he dies you know and this is our chance so I'm right but I am more attractive most attractive to people whether they're celebrities or whatever the people that like sort of grow and evolve and change but I think a lot of other people in the general society don't like that sometimes when people we were talking about Chris Cornell he's a

perfect example he's a guy that was in sound guard and then he does like this one album it's like the last somebody that was like sort of pop music or dance music it was fucking great but people couldn't handle it and they put him down so much and it's just like just because you have him in a box in your mind and you think he's one way does not mean he can't be it's like angelina jolie like she can't be a heroin addict and then later her mom like to me it's more natural to change who you are and to change what you're into, then to stay the same, yet people don't want people to change. Okay, and this taps into what I really want to say in this interview, and this, you know, because I don't know we're ending it anyway in five minutes, so it's perfect. I would come full circle. Well, I don't know

Chris Cornell. I really respect him. I love his music, and, but, you know, having an artist, like myself, who lives his entire life, creating these thousands works of art with no judgment, with no criticism, with no record company saying, we need this next year, the kids are going to it, you know, whatever, creates a total different kind of freedom where no, to work in anonymity and where no one cares what you do next. You're not in that box. You're not in that box. And it's true freedom, true artistic expression.

So anything happens. It's almost like you're tapping into the music from the spheres, which I'm not sure a famous person can do because I think they got too many voices in their head. I'm not saying everyone. And like I said, I respect Chris Cornell. I don't think he's even like that at all. But you can just tell. There's just too many people out there that are thinking too much about what other people think before they create the work.

But the ones that, you know the ones that do that and have that for them. They're the ones that last and the ones that we all know and the ones that are not what one hit wonders and the one. You know what I mean? Those are the people that. That's the good shit rises to the top. They say the cream rises to the top. Yeah, that always happens. And those are the ones that do that.

And they don't live in the box. So people want to keep them in there. And it's like ridiculous. You know, so, but that's why I think the evolution is important. and you grow and you change and you say like oh Bob Dylan found his voice I'm like a big Jane Fonda fan and I love to follow her and she's been many different people and like she says like she says like a me every time I listen to her and everything she says is so amazing and I think that just happens with age and as long as you're going with it how could your art or whatever you're creating or whatever you do not change because you're changing as well right but yet you've always been there I feel like you you go with it your whole life and you look back on your life and you can say you know I've always been you're changing as well right but yet you've always been there I feel like you you go with it your whole life and you can say you know I've always been been there. I've always really been there. It's just been a different variation. It's finding your voice. It's finding who you are. Because

your voice is a child's voice sometimes. And sometimes it's a wise voice. And we give that up because of the bullshit that happens. So that's when we're younger. It's pushed down. It's, you know, it took me a long time to be confident enough to be myself. Like to me, my God-given talent is to talk to people, to help people with their problems. And people have put that down my whole life and been irritated by it because I funneled it in the wrong way. And so that's why I do this podcast or do things that I, or even in the jobs that I've done to try and help people where I could do, my God-given talent is what it is.

And that's I use it for the right thing. It's an excellent podcast. You're born for this. Well, you know what I'm saying. It's just you have to figure out what that is, but sometimes it takes a long time. I mean, it took me a long time to have the courage to really get that that's a good thing in me because I thought it was a bad thing and you have to figure it out. But anyway, we should end this call because it's already 52 minutes.

I don't like my podcast to be longer than an hour. Very good. I don't know what this is about. We were going to talk about how. terrible I was as a person. I think we talked about enough. It's a not, yeah, no. But I think it was better.

We talked more about, like, artistic people. I wish I could promote your stuff, but I can't. No. When he's dead, okay? I don't know when he's going to die. Then I can reveal my real name. Yeah, if it's anytime soon, I will out him and tell you where to go to buy. I'm going to set up that museum in his house.

I'm going to do it up with his mom and she's still alive. We'll hook it up. Well, you can commit suicide in Portland so you never know. Yeah. And then I'll hook up his stuff. You can see because this stuff is like fucking amazing. but you don't want to say Sebastian. Thanks for being on my show.

Thank you for having me, Kath. Okay, bye. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audiobook.

It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my story, taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so old.

over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format, and finally, the audiobook is available coming out August 25th. But you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to. my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay. I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your

own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com.

And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. It's the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly? And be on the show. Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com,

with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. The Anonymous. Drink me anonymous.