Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 082 - Cookie is Trapped in a Secret, Abusive Relationship

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

Cookie calls in to come clean about the secret, abusive realtionship she's been trapped in for the past 4 years. How does a strong woman get herself involved in such a terrible situation? Will she be able to get out? How has she been able to keep their relationhsip a secret? Tune in to find out. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You play ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it. The temptation is just too much. Real problem. Does your friend know that you're banging her?

No, he has no idea. And anything goes. Motto of the show, let your freak flag lie. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts, Kathy Kay and Tommy. Hey, welcome to strictly anonymous podcast with Kathy. If you want to follow the show on Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous or follow me on Twitter at Cartoon Therapy. I tweet more over there.

I love Twitter. It's probably the only social media thing that I really like because it's like short and to the point. And I don't know. It's kind of meaningless. I think Instagram is cool too. I just don't. I don't take a lot of pictures, but I like looking at pictures, especially pictures of food. I'm that boring.

Okay, those are my favorite pictures to look at. I also like looking at these girls, these young girls, weird bodies. I mean, they're not weird. They're like cartoon characters. I don't know. There's a new thing. There's like a new trend going on where there must be some sort of operation that I haven't heard of yet, but it's like it's happening where they take the ribs out or something.

I don't know because all these girls have these crazy curves around their waist. and they have the big fake ass and the big fake tits, which I knew about those, but now they have some waste thing going on. It's just so interesting to me. I'm really glad I'm not young in this day and age because I'm assuming all that shit costs a lot of money. And like if you're really a young girl

and you're looking at all these people and this is how you think you're supposed to look and you don't have any money. Like, what do you do? I don't know. I feel sorry for young girls. Because those women don't have like realistic bodies. It's like they're manufactured bodies.

I'm sure guys love them because they're everything that a guy would want very, very curvy and everything. But it's really tough on girls, I think, nowadays. I feel sorry for them. Anyway, but I do like to look at those pictures because I'm just mesmerized by the craziness of it all. Anyway, so that's the only kind of stuff I really look on Instagram. But what was I talking about? Oh, the social media stuff. So, yeah, I don't have a Facebook page for the show.

It's strictly anonymous. But I don't engage on it. I hate Facebook. So you could go there. I won't know. But what I love for people to do, which I will know about, is write into the show and give me your two cents. People write in all the time. Mostly it's good stuff. Like my people write in how much they love the show. And sometimes it's like advice. Like, hey, your volume really sucks or, you know, I don't know. What else did people ever say to me? Oh, let people like stop cutting them off. I think somebody actually, one of my guys who called in and was a guest actually told me that. And I love stuff like. that because I am a work in progress. I always listen to my podcast and I'm always horrified by mistakes that I make or things that I do wrong and I'm always trying to be better. So if you say there's something that kind of irritates you and you think I could work on it, send me an email at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. You could also send me an email there if you want to be

on the show. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. I love to have people on the show. I love to help people with the problems. Like I said, I give unprofessional advice. So if you're looking for advice or problem because like your friends are sick of talking you about it or you have no friends or you don't want to talk to anyone about this problem and you want to remain anonymous. That's what my show is all about. You can email me at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com and I'll have you on the show. And that's who I have on the show today. I have on a listener.

And it's a female, which I always get so excited about because I never have women. I don't have as many women on the show. I have had women on and I mostly have guys because of where I advertise. but most of my women I get were women that were listeners of the show and they write in and I love that this girl's name is cookie her made-up name is cookie which I love I think is really cute and she's got she a A lives a double life and B has a problem that she needs advice on and the problem is her double life which is her very abusive boyfriend who she's been dating for a while and nobody knows about him and it's a really interesting story I don't want to give out too many of the details because

then why do you have to listen? But it's basically she's dating a physically abusive guy and nobody knows about it and she's living a double life. And this is literally the first time like her telling me the fact that she's with him is the first time she's ever telling anybody in the past four years that she's even with this guy. So she's a little nervous at first. But she comes clean. She, do we talk about everything, uh, how they met how long they've been dating, you know, how abusive he's been. Why she doesn't tell anybody. And, uh, and then. some. So it's a really great podcast. So I'm just going to get right to it and be right back with Cookie. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone?

Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous. Hi, is this cookie. Hi. Hi, Cookie. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. I think I have my volume set. So, welcome to the strictly anonymous podcast. So I'm not going to read your email because it's basically like the whole story. I want you to sort of tell, you know, tell the story yourself. So why don't you explain what the deal is and what you're calling in for? Oh, God. Okay. So I'm like really nervous.

So I think it'll be good. Oh, don't worry. We're pre-recorded. So this is like a, you know, pretend you're just talking to, are you nervous because you're like being taped? Because it's pre-recorded. It's not like live. So I could edit anything out if you fuck up. Like don't worry about it. Yeah. I don't know. I think I'm just nervous. I like, you know, like no one knows the truth about this whole thing. I know, but it's anonymous. I don't know who the fuck you are. And that's why it's such a good way to do it.

If you're going to do it, this is the way to do it. So, yeah. Yeah. So five years ago, I had been, like, you know, getting over a breakup and whatever. I was, like, 25 at the time. And I guess, like, four and a half years ago. And I was with my roommate one night and we decided to go out, even though, like, we weren't even going to go out that night. We were both, like, 11 o'clock.

We were both, like, lying in bed. And she was, like, we need to get out of the house. So we ended up going out to this place. I mean, like, it wasn't even a wild night. Like, we just went and we, like, had a drink and we were sitting there and the guys walked in. And I remember her being like, they're going to come over and talk to us. And I was like, yeah, I was very, like, you know, we go out to a bar, of course, guys

come over and talk to you. Right. And we came over and we met, we started talking and, like, pretty much, like, we didn't go home together that night. We just exchanged numbers. The guy was super hard. And we just, like, connected right away and, like, pretty much for, the past five years we've been together ever since then for all intents and purposes.

Okay, cool. What are we going to call him? What's your cookie? What's his name? John? John? We could call. Do you say John?

You want to call him John? Let's call him John. Okay. Okay, cool. So John gives you his number. You guys exchange numbers with John and then you guys start dating. Yeah, we start dating. And actually, my roommate starts dating the guy, like, he was with four of us all the time.

Mm-hmm. That's convenient. It was convenient but also like so bad So And they're like best friends from You know Their hometown And the two of us are like really close

So it's like this whole incestuous weird thing We started dating And basically it's just like he had Unbeknown to me at the time He was doing like Steroids and a lot of coke and stuff and he, so he had like a really good job

at the time and is doing all these drugs and stuff, which I don't really know about it. I mean, I know we drank and like occasionally we'd go out and like, we'd poke on like a party night or whatever, but nothing crazy. Yeah, I had a boyfriend like that. He was actually snorting heroin

and I had no idea until like a year and a half after we broke up. Swear to God. Yeah, like we were 20, he was 23 and I was 25 so we were going out and partying like pretty hard. We live in a huge city like both having good time, both social, you know, so I wouldn't think.

that and I grew up with a lot of drug addiction to my family so like usually I and I like work my current job is working with people um so usually like I'm pretty good at figuring this shit out but it was steroids like I didn't really know about that at all right and people get really angry on steroids yeah really scary angry and he's also the type like he's not like he has a lot of underlying anger and like when he drinks it turns into a different person so this is all like shit that I'm learning like the first year we're together. And, you know, it was just one of those, like, horrible, toxic relationships where, like, it's like the person will cheat on you.

You find out you still go back with them. It's like, and I consider myself, like, a really strong independent person. And, like, for some reason, this is just, like, my cryptite with that. Everyone has that. That's our, like, dysfunctional thing. I mean, we all have that. And I think that that's, like, the relationship that's really, like, sort of, like, it just triggers your dysfunctional history with your parents or whatever.

whatever and those are the ones you know when you're in that kind of relationship when you cannot leave like you lose all sense of yourself and stuff but there's a lot of like strong lessons that you're being learned I think that you learn from those kind of things but you really feel trapped that's how you know you're working through something like that because it's like you like you say you're a strong I've been there and I'm a pretty strong person too and you can't get out no matter what it's like it's you almost feel like two people because you can even look at yourself in the middle of it and be like what the fuck's wrong with me but you can't stop the madness no like so many times throughout this whole thing I've been like oh my god I'm such an idiot like I give my friend's advice and like I am doing opposite you know so like yeah but let me ask you this so in that first year though really quick did you a find out about the hero and not about the steroids and cocaine uses within that first year or you were just dealing with ramifications like how did you find out like I would so I would notice that he would get like really crazy and

angry and stuff, but again, I thought he was just, like, being a boy and whatever. And then one day I came home, and it was, you know, the point in their relationship, and this all happened to quickly, which is how, you know, it's, like, mad, unhealthy, but I can't, like, he was staying with me all the time, or I was staying with him all the time. Like, he wouldn't spend a night apart. And I came home, and I was, like, looking for something in this drawer, after my night's people that I, like, never really go in. Like, the drawer you have was just, like, mail and shit in it.

Yeah. And there was a good needle in there. And I was like, what the fuck? But it was like big. And I like, I know where heroin needle looks like obviously from growing up. And I was just, what the fuck is this? And so I started just like ripping shit apart. So I was also freaking out.

Like I don't want to see that in my own home. I grew up with that shit. I don't want it around me. You know, like, you know, I started like freak out. I'm like ripping my Roma bar. And I found like three vials of like steroids in Canada. I don't know what the fuck you get down. And I was just like, what the hell is this?

Wow, and he was like bringing it to your house, right? Like, that's crazy because you guys are hanging out so much. So he just had to actually bring it and hiding it in your drawers. That's hilarious. Yeah, it was crazy. And like, I hadn't noticed. And like, so that was why I found out of that. We had this big conversation.

Like, he said after he finished the cycle, he wasn't going to do it anymore. And at that point, like, our fighting, like, you know, we were just like one of those toxic couples that, like, fights are crazy and, like, definitely physical. but also then like makeup and it's like really passionate and it's like it's kind of like we both were into like the chaos of the drama like horribly codependent and crazy

totally you see it all the time by the way and listen you said like five times already like it was like you know I saw that shit growing up so I was like it really freaked me out so it's just like right there all of a sudden that trigger when you see that first thing it triggers you back into your pass

and then all of a sudden you're like reliving that and that's where it becomes like about your past and that's why you stay because you're trying to rework that shit totally and like not for nothing like my dad died really suddenly when I was 21 and like you know I still like I've always been really good at like going to school getting great grades having great jobs like my professional life is really great you know I'm very successful for my age but you know that's because I don't deal with anything else you know Yeah, well, listen, that part of your life and every other part of your life besides like love and like relationships, you could be in control of. You know, it's a lot of times really smart people that are super great at that stuff.

Have the hardest time in relationships because it's the antithesis. They have to be like the antithesis of who they are in their, or the reason why they're successful and everything else is because you're super controlling and you're super disciplined and you're super logical. You know what I mean? And super focus. Those are all things that get in the way of relationships. So a lot of times you find that more so on people like that anyway, I think. Yeah, totally. So, you know, we had all this conversation about that.

And then, you know, he claimed he was only during Coke when, like, we would go. And again, like, I would do it once in a while. I'm not like a drink. I party, but I'm not like a big drug person. More of a, you know, a drink person. So he was like, no, I only do it once in a while with you. So, and I hadn't really found out about that, like, as much yet. and you know he said he was going to stop after the cycle

like didn't really really like things were getting really bad like you were getting in like huge fights and like you know he was really strong and then when you do steroids it's like you have like inhuman strength or whatever so like I got fucked up a little bit and that's how I started like but what do you mean my fucked up because you also said before and you just like breezed over it

you said oh it got physical and now you got fucked up like I mean what do you mean by that like was he like I mean he like there were like some bruises I had to like explain away You know. Right. Well, would he, like, punch you in the face? Like, how'd you get those bruises?

Like, specifically. No, not my face. What would he do? Like, would he hold you down? When he wrestle you? Would he smack you? Like, what would he do? Yeah.

We had, like, one particular fight that I remember. It was, like, really early in the morning because he came home. And, like, I had a hard from him at all. He said he was coming home from work. He worked a late shift. He would work from, like, three to midnight. Uh-huh. So I was, like, up waiting.

And then he never showed. And I was really upset. And, like, I caught him talking to other girls. and stuff. It was like that whole, I sat there that whole night, like, queuing and waiting and he showed up at like 5th in the morning. And I was like, like, what the fuck? So it just started. And, like, we started going back and forth, like, saying she really needs shit to each other,

like, saying shit that we know the other ones, like, insecure about. Of course, he totally fucked up on drugs and alcohol and has become, like, this other person. And, like, we started fighting. And he, like, went outside, spoke in the car. And I was, like, not going to drive, obviously. And we just started going crazy. And he, like, punched me my arm really hard. And I was like, what the fuck?

And then he threw me against the brick wall. Okay. Now, did you fight back? Like, what happened? What did you do? Okay, so you're fighting back at him. So you guys just start having, like, a physical fight with each other. Yeah, and it was not good.

And that's a thing. Like, I don't want this to be, like, you know, I'm, I mean, obviously this is domestic violence. But I don't want to come across on the thing. Like, I'm still, like, for, you know. You're some what? Abused woman. and like some poor abuse woman. Like we were fighting each other.

Like I don't. It was like. Well, you stuck off for yourself, but you're still like, it's still a little scary when you're like fighting. You know, it's not really a fair fight. Okay. Because you got some crazy like, you know, you're not on roids. You're not a guy. You're not.

You know, you don't have anger issues. So, you know, it's not. And he's like a really like pretty in shape guy. Like, for sure. Yeah. So, you know. I would still call you a victim of that scenario. I wouldn't say it's.

you know, okay, go on. That's the first time he did it. Like that was the first fight, right? The first time you saw that he was violent with him? Yeah, that was like, yeah. And now, had you ever had, like, your relationship history before him, had you, I know you grew up and, like, in your family, besides the drugs, was there a lot of physical violence as well that you saw growing up?

Not in my, like, immediate family, but we had, like, a pretty big extended family. And, like, we'd see it, but not, like, crazy like that. Right. My dad had, and my dad was great, but my dad had, like, a, pretty bad temper. I mean, he never hit us or anything, but he was like a pretty, he could be pretty aggressive dude. Right. So he had the anger issues maybe a little bit as well.

Oh, for sure. Right. And like not even toward us, like toward other people. Right. And then for you, I mean, like you said not for nothing. My father did die when I'm 21. I mean, you definitely have to put that in the equation. That definitely, you know, affects you in the way you have relationships. Because that's like, you know, that's really hard. That's a hard age. I mean, you lost your father suddenly. right at 21

sorry what you lost your father suddenly at 21 is that oh yeah yeah right and how did he die he had a heart attack right so Adam so you know and I think that that's like really I mean that's like I said it's going to affect you too you have to

know that that has to be a point of your story for sure yeah and it like you know it was like it's this weird thing like I have a sister and she's five years older so it was like he didn't he wasn't like my dad wasn't like old geez or like he wasn't like someone you think of having heart check. It's like a very,

at a no-or thing. He didn't have her problems too healthy. Right. You hear that a lot. I think a lot with a lot of men. I don't know if it's the anger thing. Sometimes it's genetics. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. I think it was like a mix of things and like he had a stressful job. That probably didn't help. Yeah. All that stuff. But it was like I was between my last two years, my last, I was the summer before my senior year of college.

Mm-hmm. So I went right back to school. and, you know, I haven't really, like, been around my family. Like, I left and that was that. Like, I don't know. I haven't really dealt with it yet. Emotionally. Of course.

It's so hard. Like, that's, like, a crazy thing. It's like, that's like a sharp right turn. You know what I mean? Like out of nowhere for something like that to happen. Yeah, because, and without expecting it especially. I mean, I think it's just equally as traumatizing if someone goes from cancer because then you have to go through watching them die and that.

But, like, in this situation, it's just as traumatizing because it's like so unexpected. You have not. no idea. You know, he's fine one day and then he goes, right? That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Super crazy. So. But your relationship history in the past, so you had never had a guy before, like,

had you had long-term boyfriends before this guy? Yeah. Not, none. I would say, like, I had a long-term boyfriend in college, I guess, like, it's two years. But that, you know. But no physical violence before this guy. No.

Okay. So the first time he hits you. older guy when I was young. Like when I was like 16, I dated a guy who was like 25 and like told my parents who was 19. But he wasn't physically violent because that's just like creepy. When I was 15, I dated a guy that was 21 for like two years. I didn't even realize it was creepy until now maybe looking back. I don't even know. At the time I was like, this is totally fine.

But like looking back, I'm like, ew. Yeah, on his head, not yours though. I think the guy's the more, right? I don't know. Like I remember thinking like if one of my guy friends told me he was dating the 15, for both psychosies, like, if you're fucking serious. Exactly. That's how I look at my guy, too.

But so this was, so that first time, though, that he hit to, I had a guy once hit me once, and we had a full-blown fight for like two hours because I definitely fought back and we beat the shit every year, whatever. And then I literally never saw him again until like years later. Like, that scared the shit out of me and that was done. But that wasn't a part of my history. I'd never seen it. I don't know.

Like, for me, that was like a major deal breaker. So for you, like that happens and it's so horrifying, but you go right back to him, right? Is that like, oh yeah, right. So it wasn't. Like hours later. Right. Hours later. Not even like two days later?

No. No, like he slept it off and I was really upset and we were mad at each other and it was just like, okay. Right. Okay. So did you tell people about, well, no, it's, it's not so weird because I think most people that have a history of that or fall into that, that's the way it works. Yeah. Did you tell any friends or did you keep that a secret? I kept in secret for a while.

I didn't tell anyone. I like me. I was like, I don't know. Like the essential cliche. Like I tell them a scare. Some shit like that I made up. Listen, those cliches exist because that's the way it typically goes, right? That you did the same shit.

You were making up stuff for the bruises. Did it escalate where like now that he hit you once, now it was that he was able to do it all the time? It wouldn't be like, and I mean, still to this day, I mean, not that it's different now, but like, like, it wasn't like a regular thing, but it would be like these, and it always has to do with stuff with it. With what? It's never, like, it always has to do with when he's drinking and stuff.

It's never like. When he's sober, right. He's definitely someone that should be sober, probably always. He probably should not be, he can't do drugs or alcohol. probably should be a sober person. He needs to be a sober person. He's, like, has gotten in legal trouble because of shit he's doing when he's drinking. Yeah, he's somebody that shouldn't drink.

Yeah, I don't drink. I'm sober for 12 years because I'm a person that can't do that kind of stuff. It's just not right for me. Most people can, but some people can't. And he's definitely someone that should not. But, so when you say it's not like a regular thing, would you say it would happen once a month, two times a year? Like, what was the consistent, like, what was, when did it happen?

Like, somewhere in between there. Like, I would, like, maybe, I guess, like, what? once a month or like less. Right. Okay, so he abuses you. You sit in, but you have no, like, you don't leave him for a while. You date him for how long?

No. So the year, before the whole straining order mess, it was like a year. Right. So you dated him for year. What broke you guys up at the end of that year? If like the fighting did. I had like, no, it wasn't.

And it was like, I had, oh, okay, yeah. I, um, trying to think there's so many of that. I mean, it's been so long now. shit that's been going on. Right. This is just a backstory. Because the truth is, and I'll just let my listeners know

where this leads to is you guys break up, broke up, and everyone's happy. You're not with this guy anymore. But you've been secretly with him for a while again now. Oh, yeah. Right. So I'm just getting the backstory,

but eventually you guys break up. So let's pass forward to that. Like you guys, like I said, I mean, he's beating the shit out of you kind of. You don't really care about it. Like, you don't break up with it. Like, what was the thing that he did that made you break up? Because you knew he was also cheating on you, too.

right? So yeah, well I would catch like shit and it's fall or whatever and then one day he told me he was going to work on a Saturday. I was sick I had a cold. Yeah. I sent him home. I spoke to him before because he has this sort of job where he actually can't like text

or talk during, I don't want to say too much because he'll like give it away but he can't talk to talk during and so he would usually call me before he went in and then call me and he was on his way home. It would get to the point where I was like happy for those seven hours like no fucking contact um so i'm in bed and my roommate had been older had gone to her boyfriend's apartment he lived with my boyfriend um and she comes flying in to our apartment like 12

at night i'm still up often whenever crying and she's like soft as a girl over there i just want with a girl over there some girl in the house he tried to hide her from a keeper in his room but she's there so your guy is there with her boyfriend friend using that house to like screw another girl behind your back. Yeah. Oh my God. And I was like, no, there's a girl there. Like, go over there right now.

So I like get ready to go. And then my best friend calls me and just happens to call me. And I just like started crying. And she was like, do not go over there. One, because you're going to like beat the shit out of this girl and go to jail. And too, like, it's not her fault. Yeah. Yeah.

And, you know, I was just like so angry. like, ah. So my friends came and took me up, and I ended up going and staying with them for a couple of days, and I didn't talk to him. And then I was like, I'm done. Like, I'm not going to do you again. Right. So that was, like, the straw that broke the camel back. Like, finally something was so bad that, like, you were able to, like, cut that tie. And how long did you guys to stay broken up for? I want to say, like, it was a couple of months. There's a couple of months. And, like, like, a month when fine, we had no contact. and I actually started to rebuild, and that was when I told my best friend that there had been, like, physical stuff.

And that was, like, a huge deal. And then, you know, I started to, like, I went to, like, a therapist twice because I don't really like that, even though, like, I probably should be someone to therapy. I like this. Yeah. And I was, like, starting to be really good. And so, like, there was a month of no contact and, like, slowly with Shirley, you would, like, call me or text me or, like, something. It was just, like, little. and I would ignore him.

And then I was like, you know what? I really can't do this anymore. And then this like on-spot of obsession started. He was like freaking out, calling me all the time. Like being really crazy and it got to the point where I ended up having two file restraint order that I didn't want to do. My cousin kind of like, my cousin lives in the same city. And she was like, we have to do it.

We have to do it. And she was like, it's the best thing. And I was like, no, because I feel like so in love with this guy. And like, you know, couldn't let it go. it's a toxic carnival thing. So, you know, we ended up going through that. You know, it's a needy. Did he listen to the, did he listen to the?

No. Of course. This is what I don't get. I mean, this is just a side note thing because you always hear about these things. I just don't see how that really works or how people think that does anything. Because these people don't ever follow it. Do they really? Like, what does it mean of the order of protection?

It doesn't. And people can say that to me, like, just get it on paper. just get it on paper. And I'm like, well, it's not going to mean a lot if it's on paper. And, like, we're both dead. No, it happens all the time. I don't really see the big thing of it. Like, I don't know.

It doesn't seem to do much for the person. Because these people, if they're stalking you and they're doing that, like, he didn't stop, right? He still was, like, sort of pursuing you even when you had that order of protection against him. Yeah. And, like, I didn't know. So this is another, like, saying, oh, so much shit to the story. I didn't know if he had a warrant out.

He had, like, gotten super drunk. and was publicly intoxicated. And when they, like, stopped him to give him a ticket, he had coke on him. And again, I didn't know the extent of his cocaine. So he had worn out because he didn't go to his court date for a co-spection. So when they went and served him with restraining order, they arrested him and took him to jail,

which is, like, really what I didn't want to happen. Oh, no, that was the best thing for you if he was in jail. I know. That's the best way to protect yourself. What? That would have been the best way to get him away from you. The only way, really. I know, but I just, like, you know, I'm still, like, in love with him.

And, like, you know, everyone's just like, no, no, no, no. Like, you can't ever speak to him again. Like, he's horrible. And, like, people don't really know. It was just, like, so hard and terrible. And I, you know, I knew it was the right thing to do, but, like, my heart wasn't in it. And you can't really do that kind of thing unless you're 100% behind it. Because then it's even less effective.

No, you were still addicted to him. You're still in that co-dependent place. the fact that you didn't see it the way everyone else did, just was proof of that, you know? Yeah, so he ended up, like, going to jail and his mom, like, called me and was, like, flipping the fuck out. And, like, his whole thing is, like, his mom is, like, a nice person, but she, 100% has never held her kids accountable for anything.

Right. She didn't teach him how to, like, control his anger and any of that stuff, obviously. No, and, like, his, like, nothing was ever his fault. He was like, he was like a big football star and stuff in high school and like nothing with that right. Like he could be caught red-handed doing a crime and like somehow she would turn it into being somebody else as well. Yeah, it's funny because I was just having a conversation with my friend about, we both know two people in our lives who were friends with who are very like angry hothead assholes. And it's so obvious to me that my angry asshole hothead is that way because he just wasn't trained properly. You know what I mean?

Like when he goes into that place, it's, I don't look at him. was like a scary dude. I look at him as like a five-year-old, you know, emotional mess. And I just feel like, you know, at that point in his life, somebody didn't come in and teach him how to deal with all those feelings because he's super sensitive and he has a lot of feelings. And so these people grow up to be, you know, like a mess. And it's because they weren't raised properly, I think. Like their parents didn't give them the proper tools of how to control their emotions and their feelings. And I think some kids are probably more difficult than others, you know. And parents just don't know what to do. He's probably very emotional, very sensitive, very powerful. And his mother,

was like probably to know what to do so just let him do anything and now he's like scary because he's an adult and he can't actually hurt people with you know the shit that he does yeah and you know he was like that kid in school like you know just like you were saying like had ADHD and like couldn't be controlled right fucking huge problem until you got into sports and like you know yeah and the sad thing is no one can really help them except themselves so you're so you go back to him after all of this obviously right yeah so he He gets out of jail and then you like, do you pick him up and like take him home? No, but I mean, how do you keep?

So you've been dating him though, right, for four years, right? For at that point? No. Now, let's get to the point. Yeah. You've been dating him all. Like really, you only took a break for a very short time then, right? Yeah.

You went back, but you went back secretly. I did go back secretly. It was like, you know, I wasn't even like, huh? No, go on. What were you going to say? I wasn't even living at my same apartment anymore. And, like, it just got to be too much. And finally he, like, call me.

He's like, I just really want to see you. I love you. Like, I know I'm such a fuck up. Like, that really woke me up. Like, please. And, like, I met up with him. And it was just like, that, like, nah, shouldn't have done it. Shouldn't have done it.

And that was, like, what made it all dissolve. And then you continue to date him. But you decided to keep him. But you decided to keep. keep it a secret from everybody? Everybody. Like literally nobody knows. But how do you keep a full-fledged relationship from everybody in your life?

Do you not have contact with your friends? Are you just like when you have things to go to? He doesn't go with you? Like how do you keep it a secret? I would never be able to do that. It's so hard. It's been like eating me up inside. I like like, this is like a huge problem.

It's something that like it's really difficult. I mean like he goes and like he'll go up to date and like live at his family and whatever. And so, you know, It's my house and he lives in. He lives with you? Yeah. And nobody knows. Do your friends ever come over your house?

I mean, I know I live in New York City. And no one ever comes over people's houses in New York. So, you know, sometimes I get if people don't go over your house, you know, because that's not how they do it here. But, like, how do people not see his shit in your house? What do you do? Clean up or, like, hide his stuff? Yeah.

And, like, he... I'm sorry. If I was your friend, I would know. I really believe I would know. Don't you think some of your friends have an idea? Does anyone question you? Oh, like a little. But I also have this job where I work, especially in the wintertime, I work like almost all the time.

Right. So like it's not unusual for me not to really be around. And for when I am around, like, sleep. All right. But don't they wonder why in the past four years you haven't had one relationship or met any guys or anything? Like, do they ever tell you like, wow, you should start dating again or something? Like, do they wonder? Yeah.

And like I kind of like I have like I have like I. I've done some shit behind his back. Oh, you've cheated on him? Yeah. How can't, so does he still, let me ask you this. This is the big question that I want to know. Like, does he still do those things? Does he still cheat on you?

Does he still physically, you know, abuse you? Like, do those things still go on? Do you still have that same horrible relationship with him? No, it's definitely gotten calmer. Like, there have been instances. Like, I'm not happy. And, like, this is the part that, like, this is why I ended up writing to you. Because I remember, I remember listening.

that one podcast you had about Thurk, and I was like, well, this is really crazy, so maybe I can't talk to her about this. Exactly. Yeah. This is also crazy. Right. You're not happy.

No, I'm not. And I told him that, and I tried to break up, but it was like he was on his foot for a little while. And, like, he had no one, and he does this thing where he's like, I don't have anyone. And, like, he,

the thing is that's just so crazy. Like, he knows that he's, like, a secret and, like, kind of just puts up with it. And I have been, like, we really shouldn't see each other. and I'm like, this is still crazy, and then he'll freak out. And he does still get scary. It's a much calmer relationship now, but, like, I'm scared about what's going to happen.

If you really do. Right. If you really, right. The reason why he doesn't sort of go, you know, cross the line is because you continue to stay with him. But if you really did put your foot down and say this is it, what would he do to get you? You know what I mean? He would have to do something crazy, right? I mean, he's probably not just going to let you go.

So you're kind of backed into a. a scary corner for sure and I think that's what happens to a lot of women in your position that's why people say why don't they leave why don't they you know I think that's what that's where they find it I get tired of stressing out over it

so I'm just like alright whatever I don't care I'll go do my own thing and see my friends and like I've gone on a date I've seen people I you know not a lot because it makes me uncomfortable and again I don't really like I've never really been a cheater like I don't really like it I don't it doesn't like it makes no more anxious

than anything like I don't some people get off and then I get it, but, like, I don't like it. Yeah, but you kind of put yourself in a position where you have no choice but to do it. I get it. Like, I get that you're probably doing a lot of things that are not like you because that's why I don't lie in life, because one lie leads to another leads to 50 others. You know what I mean? It's like a domino effect, right?

So here you have this fake relationship and you're hot. Not a fake, but you know what I mean? You're hiding it. And then you have to hide everything else. And it just, like, escalates. And before you know it, you have to lie about everything. And you're like, oh, my God, you're living like a total. total double life or triple life, you know, and I think that's what happens, and that's why it's

too much, you know, it's too exhausting. How do you keep up with all those lies? How do you keep up with all that stuff? You know, and then you start to feel bad about yourself, like you said, because you're like, this isn't really me, but it's like who you've become, you know, and I think, listen, people judge people like, oh, I would never do that. And, you know, sometimes you don't know where you wind up in life, the shit that you do. You never say never, because you never know, you know. And you don't know. You know. And shit happens. happens and if you're not and you're young you were young when all this sort of started so you know it's easy to get yourself involved with things and then you don't know how to dig yourself out that's the hard part yeah and it's like shit has happened it's been like it's been really hard and i'm not like i take full accountability for this we don't like i know it's my you know my bullshit that got me here but um you know there's been like things that have happened like traumatizing things that have happened like whether it be and again it's like a lot less volatile now but like more fighting and stuff where I literally just have to like suck it up and like put it on a different

face and like go with my other life where I have like my normal friends and my family and my job but you have nobody to talk to when things get bad with him right yeah like that's crazy no I only have him to talk to him about it and you can't talk to him about him right no and when I do he doesn't get it he's not I'm not going to say he's the deepest so right but when you say you're unhappy like what are like at this point what are you unhappy with You feel like you've sort of outgrown the relationship, but you don't know how to end it. Yeah. Yeah.

Like I want to be, like, I know I have to be done. I know that this, like, can't, it's like a kid. This isn't the person I'm going to, like, get married to if I decide I want to get married. Like, too much is going on. And I know it's unhealthy. And I also know that, like, I'm not trying to sound like a bitch. Like, I have a lot of shit going for me. And, like, he does not share the same, like, motivation for life.

No, but that's what I was. You're around 30, right? Yeah, I'm 39. Yeah, that's what happens around that age, I find that. You know, when you're in your 20s, you date people and you're never thinking about your future, right? I dated like broke musicians in my 20s, you know, because it's like I wasn't ever thinking I'm going to marry. You know, you're not thinking of the future, really. But when you cross over and you start to get a little bit more mature and you start to think it, you think of different things, you know.

And so you do look at people like, you know, and you judge them in a different way or, you know. So you're, I know you said in your email to me that you're going to long. school and you're changing your whole life soon. I think that that's really going to help you because what is he going to do? Move with you. You told me you're moving out of a city. You're moving from where you're living from, right? To someplace totally different, right? So I

feel like that's the best thing you could have done for yourself. Because in that sense you're not leaving him just to leave him, which would send him on a crazy rage. You know, you're leaving him to go to school. So I think that that's like the really smart way to do it if you have to do it with somebody like that because he won't

personalize it as much. And what is he going to do? follow you to the other city? Like, have you guys talked about what he's going to do when you move? He's like, so this is the thing, like, and this has been like the whole, like, when I said I was going to apply. He's, like, he's never been really supportive about it. And he's kind of like, well, you have a really good job now. I don't understand.

And it's like, well, you don't understand because, like, you're not somebody who, like, aspires for more and, like, dreams of things for yourself. Right. Like, something I've always wanted to do. Mm-hmm. And so, you know, he just kind of, like, brush off music. kind of trying to sabotage it, like the morning and the night before the Elfap is just such a big deal for me. Like, he took this fight and, like, we got in a crazy fight and I ended up, like, leaving late and it was, like, all, like, fucking crazy.

And I still ended up doing well. And, like, I almost feel like, like, I'm not a religious person. I almost feel like this is some sort of, like, divine intervention. Like, I still did well in the past. I ended up getting into this school that's in a different city with, like, a full scholarship. So, like... Yeah, somebody's to help. helping you. Maybe some other part of yourself or some other part of whoever, whatever, something's

helping you get out of this situation because, you know, sometimes when you can't help yourself, you know what I'm saying? Like, it just something comes in. Like you say you think it's a divine intervention. Maybe it's some other part of you, this really smart part of you that's really working to get yourself out of this situation. And you're doing the right thing for sure. Yeah. So, and I don't know. Like, so he hasn't like really talked about it except you be like, yeah, yeah, like, I want to stay together. And I'll be like, yeah, okay, definitely. because I know that once I leave, I can also just be like, okay, bye, like, whatever. Right.

He knows that. Please. Yeah, it's really funny because after I emailed you that night, he had gone to work and didn't get home to like 2.30 in the morning. And I was like, fuck, I know this kid's out drinking. And he hasn't gone out drinking in a really long time because he can't handle it. And he came home, like, in a rage about me leaving. And I was like, I can't fucking believe you did. Like, in a complete rate, he was, like, throwing shit around.

And that, like, the message for me, like, oh, this is the right decision. But it was, like, finally came out in him, like, how angry he is and how he's like, fuck, boss, well, you should go, you know, like, fuck you. I'm, like, just saying all this is really mean stuff that he says and he's drunk that he knows will get to me. Well, showing how he really feels about it. Because, listen, that's probably like, listen, anybody that's dating someone in is in love with them is going to be hurt and upset if they find out that they're leaving them to go to school. You know, I mean, that's a bad situation for anybody. But, you know, for somebody like him, like not a lot of women, and he knows this on some level, okay, are going to put up with his bullshit, right?

He found sort of the perfect girl, right? You sort of put up with his stuff. You keep that secret life. Like, you do, you know, he's not going to get a lot of other people that are going to sign up for that shit. So he can't, if he loses you, he might have to change and be a better person, you know. With you, he could kind of be himself and you accept him. And so of course he's going to hold on to you as hard as he can. Yeah.

But you're doing the best thing. Sorry, I just cut you off. You're doing the best thing, though, for the both of you. I mean, what you're doing is not only going to help you.

It's going to help him too. Because people shouldn't put up with the way that he is. He needs to be taught that just because your mommy put up with you that way. Like nobody else is going to. You know what I mean? And he needs to clean up his act. He needs to get off of drugs. He needs to stop drinking and stop acting like an asshole.

He definitely shouldn't shoot up steroids. And he needs to act like a decent human being. to be in a relationship where he shouldn't have one, you know? And you're going to be better for yourself because you're leaving. Yeah. I'm like not my best self. Like, again, like I'm unhappiness in this like slow depression, almost like this like slow apathy that like, you know, I used to be like a really active and she person. I'm like put out and I'm like some weight.

Like I'm just like depressed and I know that once I get away from a situation like I can start like doing the shit I want to do and not just being like, oh, like I won't go out tonight. I don't feel like dealing with them. Just stay. Oh my God, your whole life is going to change. You're like, it's like you're literally trapped in jail. Like, seriously. You're going to look back at this time of your life. It's so dark.

You know what I mean? It's such a weird place that you put yourself in. I've been there. I've had really bad relationships where I had to, like, where I felt like I had to hibernate with them and I was away from the world and I wasn't living my life. You know, and when you get out of that, it's so traumatizing that you probably will never get back. Hopefully you'll never.

It'll be that bad that you're like, oh, you'll never wind up. sort of crossing that line and trapping yourself in that position again because it's such a bad place right look how long it's taken to get yourself out and like you said it's not a normal place to be and I do believe when you lie and you hold on and you're not being yourself it affects you physically like you gain weight and you know because you're not let it you're not like you're not your flow is all fucked up you know have you thought of sort of when you're actually going to admit to people the truth of all this because I think that that in some way and whenever you feel like doing that will be very good for you at some point.

That's like the thing that I'm the most, like the thing I feel the most fucked up about is like I feel like everyone will be like oh my not even lying for someone here. I'm like, cool. You're like are you? Like you're terrible. Like I can't. And like I have it. I feel like I don't.

And it sounds crazy because of this double life. Like I'm not a liar. Like I don't lie about. Like I've never had like a pattern or history of why. lying. Like, I'm not, like, a shady person, and I feel like I haven't told these lives to people about my life. Like, it's been, like, about me and not, like, I wouldn't, like, if I say I stole something, and someone asked me if I stole, I had this stupid example, but, like, I feel like I'd be like, yeah, you know, like, I give people my honest opinion. I, I, I, everything

else I have in my life is presented, and honestly, except for this, like, huge thing. I know, but, you know, that's what, listen, that's why I do my show, and that's why I like to talk to people. And that's why I love being honest and I like for other people to be honest, because it really shows that you could totally not be a liar. You could totally have your shit together. You could totally be a strong woman. You could totally be someone that doesn't cheat or lie. And you could do all those things just because you decide to make a couple wrong decisions and you don't really think them through and you take the wrong path. Okay. And that happens to everyone at some point in their life. And that's very humbling. And that's why we shouldn't judge other people.

because we really don't know. So I don't think that, you know, I think, you know, if you, and it's your choice, you know, whether you want to admit or tell people, I think it would be very freeing for you. Because I think to hold on to that, especially as somebody who's so honest and not a liar, I think it's terrible to keep that inside. If you release that and let people know and sort of just explain where you're coming from, people will learn from that and understand that that can happen and does happen. And anyone that judges you, just wait, because at some point in their life,

they'll do something that's totally fucked up and they'll totally understand it because sometimes shit happens and you wind up doing things that you would never imagine. And I get that because I've fucked up many times in my life, you know? And anybody, like I said, that judges you, it's because they still have been super controlling in their life and they haven't allowed for those mistakes. But being a human being isn't about not making mistakes, okay? It is about making mistakes. That's how you learn about who you are and you learn you're not perfect and you learn in

your fucking 20s that you think you know everything and you're great and you're really fucking not and you have to do a lot of work on yourself like the rest of us. Do you know what I mean? So please it's not that big of a deal. You have to like get to a place where you forgive yourself for doing it. You say I'm not a liar but I lied. Okay. There's a difference between a liar and somebody who lied. You fucking lied and you for a while about a huge thing. Okay. But if you could explain that to people and people, you know, within context, within the story and you could even say like I don't even know why I did it. You know what I mean? Like that, that's okay. Like, I think people will understand it.

And the people that don't, that's fine because they'll understand it maybe when they make the same kind of mistake in their life. Yeah, I totally, I don't know. Like, I'm going to have to at some point. I like at least my family. Because again, like, part of that, like, the reason I feel so awful about this is not even like, obviously, like, there's a part of my heart that's going to be really broken when we end up separating because we're codependent. And like, you know, there's still a part of me that's like, oh, God, this is going to be awful. But a big part of this is just like the incredible amount of guilt, I feel. Right.

But it's also like, listen, when you, I think a lot of like letting go of codependent relationships, a lot of the pain of letting it go is like a letting go of that part of yourself that was working out whatever it was. So it actually is a good ending and a good letting go. But there, you know, any kind of ending is a death, right? So you always feel that first. But it's a positive thing that you're doing. You know, and you're going to move on.

You're going to become a lawyer. And, you know, maybe you will have dysfunctional relationships in the future. But hopefully they won't be like this. Like hopefully you learn from, you know, you should learn from this. That, you know, for you, you know what your trigger is. The minute, if you don't want to sort of rework that, you know, that problem in your life or keep hashing it out in hardcore relationships, the minute you start to feel that crazy pull or that crazy, you know, you have to make sure that you don't, you know,

a line with that person because once you do you're like trapped in that and I've got I know what my triggers are with a certain type of guy and how I could get trapped in relationships where I have no sense of myself like I can't have no power I become powerless you know yeah and I feel like I mean obviously everything hasn't been all the way above board but like different guys that I've seen like behind his back and stuff like

I feel like now like whereas before when I met him I was like maybe more insecure like I recognizing people and I'm just like, oh, no, that's not something I want to deal with because of this experience that I've had with them. I feel like I know better now, like... Right. I think now you're just... I think now the fact that you're kind of unhappy and you want to get out and you're

going to school, like, I think you're like beyond ready to leave and you're over it. I think as women, we feel really bad a lot of times, like, like when he pulls that thing on you, like he probably makes you feel really guilty for leaving him because what will he do without you? You're probably a little afraid of leaving him because of... of what he's done in the past, you know, but I think you're very ready. I think, you know, you're past that point

and you're going to do it, which is great. It's just a matter of going through the motions. And it will be difficult and will be hard. But the minute you start that school, you're going to have a whole new life. Do you know what I mean? I am. And you're going to look back and be like,

oh, my God, you're going to know that it was like the best thing and the great thing. And somehow maybe it'll be the best and the great thing for him because he's going to have to face himself without you. He needs a lot of fucking work. And I'm sorry, but neither one of you is probably going to help

each other change. You know, you're both, like you said, co-dependent. Totally not. Right. So you both need to find yourself without each other. Yeah. And he acts like, he's like, what do I'm like, I'm going to have to move back on his mom. And like, you know, he's like, I'm going to, he'll, like throw out all these things

and like try. He's like, like, his big thing is just blaming me for everything to make me everything my fault. Of course. And it's just like, it's gross to me now. Like, I used to feel bad and stuff. But now I'm just looking at him and I'm like, dude, you're a grown man. Like, gross like figure it out right i figure so much shit out by myself all the time like figure it the fuck out like yeah no you'll just leave him in the dust and you know

unfortunately you can you know reach out to him five years from now and he might still be the same way you're moving forward he may never he may never work on those parts of himself that's like his choice but you've already made the decision to better yourself and some part of you is doing the right thing and you know you know that there's something else on the horizon and you're moving towards that and that's great I think you will be met with resistance. It will go down probably really bad. You will be upset, like you said, even though it's codependent and dysfunctional.

You love him. You've been with him for a long time. You understand him, whatever. But you'll be better off from it. And I think you're doing it in the best way. Like I said, if you left him, you know, and just moved down the street and said, I just don't want to be with you. Like, that would be a different situation than you saying I'm going to school.

It's a little less personal. I think somebody like him experiences that in a different way. that he's not that he doesn't get as angry for it but I think it's less of a reason for him to lash out on you I mean he'll still be upset and angry you know what I'm you know what I mean well yeah but like there's like there's nothing he can do about it like if I was just exactly I mean he says he says ridiculous things to you like you have a good job stay I mean like really it's like but you know he sounds like ridiculous because who would it who would tell somebody that going to law school you know is a bad thing

It's almost like ridiculous for him to argue that, you know, so what could he really say? I mean, he tries, but there's not much argument you could make for a woman at 30 years old. And I said to him like two years ago or whatever when we were like having this, you know, one of those discussions. And he was like, oh, I'm a secretful boss. And I said to him, I was like, if you would get your shit together and like get some kind of counseling or treatment or whatever of this block and like start working and saving your money and they start like building. like being able to build a future of some kind. Like, I would feel like I would come clean and I would put us out there and, like, I would work with you.

But he hasn't done that. I can't wait anymore. Right. Uh-huh. And I don't think, and I think the lesson for you is to come clean eventually on the fact that, you know, without any of that. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

That's like, come clean with that. So, like, that was more like us being together, you know, like, I would be like, this is my boyfriend and we're going to work towards it. I was like, it was, it was, it was clearly. like if something's that important to you and again like I've let him get away with it but like she would have stepped up I feel like and I feel like he didn't take it seriously

well this is the problem I think you know and just this is the same like some of your family members when they find out what you were really doing or when it was really going on they knew they thought the logical thing for you to do would have been to leave him or you know sometimes you know the stuff that drives us in the dysfunctional

parts of our being are so are so powerful that it's you can't help it it's a lot easy. It's a lot harder for him to really do that. It's not that he can't do the right thing or he's not stepping up. He might not be capable of it right now. He might not be emotionally healthy enough to do it. So he needs, you know, he doesn't have the tools. So it's not about him not caring. It's not about him being stupid. It's not about him taking you for granted. He just, he probably can't. That's really true. That's a really, really good point. So that's not, you know, so your only thing is

to leave him and eventually get somebody who's more suited for you and at your same level. You know, that's unfortunately what's happening. You're sort of moving up and he's choosing to stay in the same place. And so it's goodbye. I mean, what is your, but what is your question? Is it that you're just so, you feel so guilty about leaving and for lying and you're at the point where you just can't take it anymore? Yeah.

Yeah, well, all that's going to come to head. I think you're going to move. And I think you're going to feel a lot. lot better about telling people and maybe admitting when you're out of the situation. I think so too. I think it's just like I need a little time to do that because there's still many changes happening at once. And, you know, I think it'll be a lot easier to sort of like breathe a sigh of relief

when I'm actually out of his physical presence. Right. Because I, and listen, I think calling in here and telling me is a big step for you. You know, there's some part of it. of you that really wants to tell your story and release this, you know, lie that you're telling and reclaim that non-lier in you, right? Like, become the person who you claim to be, which is somebody that doesn't lie and is pretty honest and sort of go back to who you really are.

And so I think that's like, I just want a normal life. Like, when I'm out having a good time with my friends, I want to like 100% be able to feel it instead of always feeling like, ugh, but I'm the thing. this isn't even authentic because I have a lot of shit going on heck and all. No, it's an awful way to live. I don't know how you could do it. It's very hard. It's very exciting.

Especially for somebody. I think that there's chronic liars out there perpetual. You know, people that are like, what is that word for them? You know, they lie all the time and that's just a part of who they are. I don't even know if you could change those kind of people. But when you're a pretty honest person and you get caught up in that world, it's like almost worse, right? Because you know the right way to be.

and you're going against yourself. So it's just really not good for you to do for yourself. No, it feels so crazy. Yeah, and that's a good thing that it feels terrible because that's the thing that's going to get you to change. If you were okay with it, that would be a problem. You know, that uncomfortableness you feel is what's driving you to get out of it, which is good.

Because you're still young. Listen, if you were doing this at 50, I would think you'd probably never leave him, you know, but do you. You get in your 20s, like, is a lot of, a lot of, that's the, a lot of, that's the time where, not that you get a free pass for it, but like, that's when shit like that happens. But you really want to take note of those things when you're younger and your patterns. And I know you don't believe in therapy. Therapy is great if you get the right therapist.

I really believe in it, even though like most therapists are fucking nuts themselves and they're not good. But if you find the right one, it's really helpful. It really does work. And when you, when you wind up in a situation like you're in, like you're going to go to law school and you're going to do really great. you're going to come out in a lawyer, but you're going to still have this part of yourself if you don't go to therapy or sort of work on yourself in a certain sense. Like you are going to still have this part of you that got into this situation to begin with and stayed for so long, right?

That is a dysfunctional part of you that you need to work on. So at some time, you're going to have to face that or you're going to wind up maybe in the same pattern. It could become a pattern if you don't, you know, work on that. Because why did you wind up that way? Why, you know, why when you saw that needle, did you not run for the fucking hills? Why, when he hit you that first time, did you not, why was that not a deal breaker? These are the questions you're eventually going to happen, you know, ask yourself.

But I think what happens with most people in life is that especially this is why you find a people in my age range are just so fucked up is because they're making all those mistakes when they're really young, but they don't realize that that means something's wrong with them and they need a little help and they need to work on themselves and take care of that part. But everyone's busy becoming lawyers or doctors or getting married and having kids and everyone's sweeping everything under the table and you wind up with a bunch of 50-year-old messes. Yeah. I don't want to be like that.

Like, I'm not one of those, like, I have a lot of friends who are like dying to get married stuff. Like, I don't, I don't get that pressure from my own mom. Like, my mom had me free late. Like, I don't feel like I'm very much cool with the fact that I'm about to have a breakup and I'm not married. And I, because part of it is, like, I don't want to, like, form a partnership with all this shit and then, like, end up having kids and, like, fucking them up because I'm

I didn't care of my own stuff. Yeah, but you even said, like, you didn't deal with the fact that your dad died so suddenly. So I think that there's, like, a lot of unresolved things in yourself that need to be worked on so that you have healthier relationships. So I would say the best thing for you to do besides, I think coming clean for you would be very cathartic eventually and just tell people it would be great for you if you want to. You're going to leave him regardless. I know for sure you're going to do that. And that's great. and I think you're, because you're moving out of the state, you'll be fine.

But I think that you should also buy a little bit more into therapy. I don't know, I don't understand people that don't believe in therapy. Like, what do you mean you don't believe in therapy? I don't even know what that means. Like, you think that people are perfect and you don't need help? No, and it's not even, I mean, I guess I just had bad experience. Like, I can, like, I sort of work in the mental health field. So, like, I, you know, I feel like I'm, you know.

You work in the mental health field? Yeah, I do. Okay, what do you do? Oh. You're going to be fucking kidding. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait.

You are telling me that you're a social worker, but you don't believe in social work for yourself. Like, you don't believe what you give to people is worthy. Like, you would never want it for yourself, but you dish it out. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I mean, I work with, like, um, chronically, again, I don't want to give anything why, but I work with, like, very crazy street homeless people. So it's not like I, like, like,

have a practice or sit down and, you know, we do like crisis management and like homeless outreach. Oh, I love that. I think that's really interesting. Yeah, it's really, it's been an awesome job and really great. But I, it's not that I, I don't know, I just have had a bad experience every time. Like I feel like I almost feel like I sit across in the, and like this is super narcissistic. But like I sit across from the therapist and I'm like a punk and I'm like, yeah, I know what you're doing. I read the book too. No, no, no.

First of all, that's not super. narcissistic. You know how many offices I've walked out of on therapists because I'm like I'm smarter than they are? That is, yes, but that's not, that's just a fact, okay? Maybe other people will think we're both narcissists, but they could go fuck themselves. The truth is, you're a, I'm really smart and I did a lot of like, like, looking into self-help stuff. So a lot of times I, and I need a certain kind of therapist that could handle my personality. But they are out there. And as, you know, for every, you know, five that I walked out and was like, I'll never see you again because you're a moron. I would find that one.

who would really help me. I did psychoanalysis recently, which is very expensive. And I did it a couple times a week. And it was so hardcore. And it was life changing. For all the things I've done in my life, I quit drinking. I've done a lot of things. I've really changed myself.

I'm very into that. And I live my life by that. But really, it like changed my self-esteem. And I think that's one of the hardest things to change in yourself, you know? And it really, really, really helped me. But that was by, I was with the smartest bitch on the planet. Okay. this lady was so good.

It was like nothing I could have ever read on a website or gotten from a friend or, you know, that's what I got from psychoanalysis. So I believe there are people out there that are really fucking good and you're not narcissistic. It's just about keeping going out and meaning. I went to five before I met this lady. I did. I looked into a bunch of them. I went to other psychoanalysis who were really ridiculous too and found the right one and then stuck with her for a while.

like life changing. So, you know, for you, for you have to know that the good people out there exist. It's the 90-10 rule. 90% of everything everywhere is garbage. 10% is good. Totally agree with that. Most doctors suck, but there's like amazing doctors out there. Most everyone suck, but there's like amazing.

And you have to look for those people. You have to believe in therapy. That's what you do for a living. It really exists. You should do a little work on yourself because in your job, you're always helping other people. Most psychoanalysis, they have to go to, it's a part of their job that they have to go to therapy themselves because they're getting so involved in other people's lives. The only way they keep a sense of themselves is to have their own therapy going on.

It's like a part of the, it's a requirement, you know, so you're a social worker and you're always helping other people. You have to also help yourself. Yeah. Or else, you know what you're going to be. You're going to be just like those other people that you sit across and have a horrible experience. You're going to be a shit social worker. Totally. And I don't like, totally.

I mean, now you're going to be a lawyer. so it doesn't matter, right? But you really, though, should look for someone good because you have stuff that have happened that has shaped you and is definitely going to affect your relationships. From your father's death to the drug use you've seen as you're younger, you know, to this bad relationship that you have. And you have this tendency in this pattern to go down this path and be this person. And if you don't want it to happen again, because it probably will, because this is the way that we learn.

And, you know, you want to help during the process. I went through a very torturous situation for two years recently, and that's when I was doing the psychoanalysis with it. And it doesn't mean that like, oh, I became better one day and I walked out, okay. Like, I just learned so much and was able to finally leave the situation and kick that habit after doing it a million times. So you're going to do it again and you're going to have like unhealthy relationships because you have that part of you. But you need help during. So at least when you're doing it, you're learning from it. More so than, you know, we take in as much as we can.

but a therapist could really help you go a little bit deeper. And, you know, and that's what I think you really should get a little help. Yeah, I agree. Like, I want to be able to, in my life, not walk into a room. I think I'm the most fucked up guy that I can try and fix Dave. Like, I don't want to do that as far. I know, but let me tell you, you might be my age and still doing it on a certain level because, like, I cannot get away from some of my patterns.

But you could change and be more healthy in your choices. And hopefully you won't wind up in the situation where you go, so far as to be dating someone for four years lying about it. I mean, like, you went pretty far down a path that. Oh, I'm like in the rabbit hole. Yes, for sure. And that's what you don't want to do again. And because you have that tendency, you have to be afraid of that part and you have to work on it.

You have to be honest with yourself about that. And you can't think that you alone could change up because that shit that was like ingrained in you when you were little. Unfortunately, our attachment issues and all the stuff we, all the issues we have in therapy comes from when we're really, really little. So in order to change that, it's hardcore. Yeah, for sure. So you need a little help. Even though you're going to, you're fierce and your thing, you're going to be a great lawyer, you're really smart, you're really strong.

Like I said, you know, you have to be honest about how sort of retarded you are in relationships. You're right. And like honestly, like being able to sort of tell this whole thing now, like obviously I have a long way to go, but it does feel better. Like it's nice to know, even though I don't know. you and like no one knows who I am. Like it feels better like someone out in the world.

You know, this is what's been happening in my life. Yeah, and it's not that big of a deal. And I promise. And it's okay. Like I wish more people were honest about their stuff. I've always been, and I was saying this to my sister yesterday because she was like hiding her child's drug use

with people in the family because she was like horrified. And I'm just like, you know, I really find in my life because I'm always honest about all of the mistakes and all the things that I've done. And I'm very honest about them. And I'm always talking about it to people. And I feel like people always tell me their stuff because they know I won't be judgmental because I'm open about it. But so many other people don't tell people because everybody's hiding all their shit, you know?

And it's like craziness because I think we're all human beings. We all make these mistakes. That's what being a human about. You know, if we were all just a little bit more honest about it, then people would be more honest to you. And it's just a, it helps. And it's a good way to be, you know. And I think that what you're doing is not that big of a deal. I think you'd be surprised at the reaction you'll get when you're honest.

Because listen, at the end of the day, most people just give a shit about themselves. So people are going to listen to your story and they're going to be like, oh, my God, I can't believe it for like 20 minutes. And then they're going to forget about it and go back to their lives. So it's not going to be that big of a deal anyway, right? Yeah. But it will help you. And it will humble you and it will maybe make you see things different that maybe in the future you won't be dishonest and you won't hide it so much because you won't be so ashamed that you could tell. people that you're doing the wrong thing and people will still be there for you.

Yeah. And it would be much easier way to live. Yeah, because when you're in the midst of shit like that, you know, you need people to help you get out of it sometimes because you can't be rational yourself, right? You have had four years of dealing with all of this stuff and you have had no help because you couldn't tell anybody what was going on. Yeah. You know, you need friends or family at that point that you could talk to about a situation.

Because sometimes you need like the voice of reason because you can't reason. So you know, that's what's so dangerous about, you know, the situation that you got in because how could you get out? You had he was your only person that could help you get away from him. He was going to do that. No. Not at all. So there you go. I think I think it's great that you called in and expressed it.

I think, like I said, I think it's just at this point. I think your situation is over. I really do. I think now it's just a matter of time. Yep. You're moving at the end of this summer? I mean, I'm leaving in a couple weeks. Yeah, a couple weeks.

Like, you're, it's over and you're moving on. And I think that that's really great. And I think it's great that you called into the show and you had that feeling to write in and talk. And like you said in the beginning of the conversation, I'm kind of nervous. And I was like, what are you nervous about? Like taping?

You're like, no, just being honest. But like, just to take that step and to do it means that you're ready to move on. and you want to release it because it's such a heavy burden. And I think, you know, try doing that some more. Listen, if you decide not to tell anybody anything, that's fine too. I mean, it's your choice. But make sure to get a little help and to not get so caught up in all the other areas of your life and think you got everything under control because you got out of this

and make sure you work on that. So you can have a more healthy relationship in the future. Yeah, you're totally right. I really, really, really appreciate it. Yeah, and even if you make a million more mistakes, that's life. Anyway, okay? Like, seriously. Don't worry about it. You have a long way to go and that's great because life is fun. Even when it's horrible, I think it's fun. That's the way I look at things. You know, you're always learning stuff. I just think that's what life's about, you know? Yeah. So anyway, thanks for calling in. I hope I helped a little bit. I think it was really baldy of you to come clean and keep me posted. I always have repeat callers. I really want to hear from you like in December after you've started your school, your, like I feel like you're going to be in a much better place. and I'd love to hear from you then and find out where you're at and what happened. And if you told people, I think that'll be really interesting.

All right. So I'll call you after my last week, first semester final. Yeah, totally. When you're all done and you have that little break, I want a second call and we do an update with you. Okay, perfect. Thanks so much. Okay, Cookie, good luck. Thank you.

Thank you. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers is now available not only in paperback and e-book, but you can pre-order the audiobook. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story.

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