Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 097 - Kelly is Transgender and Very Self Conscious About the Way that She Looks

Episode Date: October 27, 2015

Kelly is a transgender female who is very self conscious about how she looks as a female. She was always really popular and good looking as a guy but she hasn't mastered that as a female and it's definitely something that really bothers her. What can she do to look better as a female? Is that really her only issue? Tune in to find out. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This is why my podcast is coming out of a day late, and I just got to get through this intro because I feel like shit. So I'm going to get right to the collar. The caller is a guy named Kelly, who's a transgender feature. female, he was very interested in the way that he looks. The way I found him is he had posted an ad online on Craigslist and he had posted pictures of himself, uh, dressed up as Kelly, and he wanted to know what people thought. And I thought it was really interesting that someone put that out there. Um, and, uh, so that's what we discuss. We discuss, you know, how he, when he sort of figured out

that he was Kelly or wanting to be Kelly, his, uh, his, um, his, um, um, his, um, um, he, um, his, um, feelings about the way that he looks and about how people treat him and all kinds of stuff. It's very different than Jessica, the transgender female, because this guy has a wife and she knows about it. And a lot of his friends know about it. And he's more stuck on, like I said, the looks, his looks and how it affects him and how he's going to get through that. So anyway, I'm going to get right to the podcast.

So stay tuned. I'll be right back on with Kelly. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous.

Yeah, hi, this is Kelly? This is. Hey, Kelly, glad you called. You're on the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Wonderful. So, you know, I responded to an ad of yours that you placed on Craigslist. And you're a transgender female, right? And you had placed an ad.

It was like in the Women's for Women's section, and you were like looking for other women for advice on just like how you look as a transgender female, right? Is that like what you put the ad out there looking for? Absolutely. I just kind of was looking for some confidence or whatever. just to kind of see what people thought or, you know, just to kind of see what people thought of, how I looked and everything like that. And now you've been cross-dressing since the fourth grade, right?

Like you've always known your, like, transgender and you've always been sort of in touch with that side of you. Because I had Jessica on, and I know that you listened to her episode. And for her, it's like didn't sort of hit her until way later in life. But you were cross-dressing when you were really little, right? Yeah. I mean, I started out. I mean, to say I absolutely knew it the first chance I did. It always just, I guess I was young enough.

I just didn't know different to where it wasn't like it snapped one day. And I thought absolutely it was just, you know, it was something I started doing when I was young. And I just, it was part of me. It wasn't necessarily. Oh, and fourth grade, I just knew. Right. It was just, you know, I just never knew differently. Right.

It was like almost like you always knew. That's just always who you were. You were a woman, like a girl, right? Sort of, do you feel like, did you feel confused about it, though? Because you were, like, born a boy, but you were, like, always felt like you were a girl? I don't know.

I think that, you know, not to seem, like, fancy or cliche or anything like that. But it's kind of like, if you ask the little girl, hey, did you always know this or that? I think that that's what I think so cool about, like, kids, is they don't necessarily know one way or the other because they're just, You know, it's like sometimes when you see a little kid just having a fun on a playground, I mean, they don't know one way or the other. So, I mean, it's not that I ever knew or didn't.

It was just... The way that was, you know, it just evolved. It just evolved. I mean, it was just, you know, when I first started, you know, first time I put on women's clothes or I kept first thought about it, it wasn't like it was fancy or a big deal or whatever. It was just a portion of who I am. So, I mean, it just kind of evolved throughout life. I mean, my idea that today is totally different than it was when I'm from fourth grade. It was just, you know, so now I know that, but it's just different, you know.

I mean, then it was, so it's just something that always evolves. I mean, I'm going to assume it's for any man or any woman or whatever. It just, it evolved, you know. And at first it was just, you know, clothes or a feeling or whatever. and now it's, you know, like the ad you saw, it's, you know, trying to. And that's what someone joked with me a while back. They joked and said, well, that's how you know you're a woman is when you can be critical of your look and always feel like you're not this or not that.

Right. That's how you know when you're officially a woman is when you sit there and judge yourself in ways that, you know, everyone else would or would, you know. Yeah, just for your looks only, right? Because that's really what you put pictures of yourself, right? all dressed up and you're looking for like girl advice on how do you look do you look okay do you you know how can you look better um but let's get into let's start though from the beginning so like it actually was really interesting what you just said and it totally makes sense that like as a child

you don't have that confliction about how you're feeling because it's just what you know you're not like an adult with like like you know people get older and they become like super judgmental or they know right or wrong whatever quote unquote that is right whatever society says is right or wrong doesn't necessarily mean they're right but like that stuff doesn't come till way later right when you were like young and you were sort of experiencing that side of yourself and you sort of acted out did anybody did your parents know did you have siblings like how did other people react to you well now you know like all of my friends and things like that know but my actual like parents and brother and stuff like that they don't know but everybody that

you know, people I chose to be in my life or whatever. Not that I don't love my parents, but things like that. The only people that know are my wife and, you know, all my friends and stuff like that. But that's a lot of people. Oh, sure. Yeah, man. You know, I mean, I can't, I can think of very few people in my life that don't know that are friends and stuff like that. I don't know. I just think that it's something that I just always told them or whatever.

And so I don't know. And that's what's so crazy about my life due to the fact that I don't know, like even when I started, you know, listening to the podcast and stuff like that, I felt like so many people had different, you know, like ideas or things like that. And it almost in ways makes me even more want to have more confidence because, like, I am so very, very lucky.

I mean, all my friends and, you know, like my wife and stuff like that are so amazing and supporting and everything like that. Like, for me, it's not even sort of something, like, sexual, because I don't get, I mean, to say that I don't get anything sexual out of anything, we'll know, but it wouldn't be, it's not something that that's the goal. I mean, like, it's not anything even remotely sexual. I mean, I absolutely head or heels far from sounding like some hopeless romantic, and that's far from who I am or what I am or whatever. But, I mean, I am so over the top in love with my wife and everything. like that that you know I'm lucky I mean she supports everything I do she is always on my side she I mean within the reason you know right right um yeah I mean she if any she tries to encourage me and

do things but my kind of kicker and I know most people listening to this that are looking up for transgender are going to be and I'm far from wanting to judge or whatever but are people that are looking for support or someone that's trying to tell their parents that or someone was trying to tell her wife or girlfriend or whatever. And the bad thing for me is everybody I've told has been nothing but supportive and amazing. But yet, you know, I jokingly tell people that, you know, it's kind of like if somebody had a royal flush in Vegas, you know, that never fold. And for me, it's not that I think I'd be folding if I took that next step. It's just I have a perfect life.

I mean, I have an absolutely gorgeous wife, great job, all that. And I have nothing against, like, drag queens and stuff like that because I think they're amazing and I'm so supportive. But that's not me. I'm just me. And I don't want it to be where that's my book. I don't want it to be where that's who I am. And it's so hard for me to take that next step because it's not like... What do you mean the next step?

Like telling your parents or, like... Well, just in that way that that's how they leave. view me or whatever. It's like I also have a lot of other parts about me that are interesting, you know, but it's not like it writes my story. I mean, you know, I mean, I love other portions life and it's just so scary because I know if I take that next step, whether they're supportive or not supportive or the world accepts me or doesn't accept me. It just makes it tricky because I do have such an amazing life and I have so many great people that have my back and everything like And I feel like they're all part of who I am.

And, you know, when I tell my parents or when my neighbors still found out or whatever, it's just so much corrector because I do have it so good. And I know that sounds so spoiled and so. No, no, you're lucky. Listen, I just, how old are you? I feel like I have so much to live. I'm 36. You're 36.

And how long you've been married to the woman you're married to her? How long you guys been together? We've been together for almost seven years. But yeah, but the thing is that she, you know, I told her that, you know, as a man and she knows me and I live, you know, almost life as a man that, you know, she doesn't mind when I'm the other side. She knows, you know, that I have not as many clothes as her, but, you know, I would if I would if I could. good. Right. You know, she knows, she knows she's gone wig shopping with me, bra shopping with me. She's, me and her laughing joke about shoes. And I mean, I always joke with her that I'm probably the only man in the United States that understands why it takes so long for her to get ready.

Right. Or you could get ready with her, help her. Yeah. All of it. And, you know, and so it's, I know I'm so very, very lucky, but it's just, so I think what the I put out there was, you know, I was just looking to feel more, I don't, I don't want to be, I don't know, I feel so guilty for saying certain stuff or whatever, and I don't mean to, but I don't want to be like a man with boobs, you know, I don't want to be, you know, I don't want to be passable, you know, my goal isn't to be walking down the street and have both of us look awry or both of us look, because I don't really feel like I am, transgender or I don't want to really feel like I'm a man with boobs. I mean, I feel just like I was when I was fourth period, but I just feel normal. I mean, I don't. But what is normal to you? Do, like, is normal to you like you feel like you're a woman?

Well, yeah, but that's like you. I mean, do you feel like you're a woman? No, I'm like a dude trapped in a woman's body too, myself. I'm very like a guy. Yeah, but I just, I feel like it's me. You know, I mean, like, and so, yeah, I mean, I don't feel like, you know, I'm somebody that, you know, I'm trapped just where that. I just feel like I'm Kelly. I mean, and I feel like, but unfortunately now the world views me one way or, you know, my friends don't care.

But it's also I could control the way I told them and the way I looked or the way I did whatever. and so it's just, it's a lot of pressure on knowing that next step because it's, is the next step like you coming out and being, you know, Kelly all the time, like out, like, you know, at work in front of your neighbors, like, you know, 100% and just like bringing that part of yourself, like, sort of more out there. Is that what you mean by the next step? Yeah, because I'm to the point now where, you know, I'm kind of at a, I don't know, far from sounding pathetic or whatever, but I'm at a

major crossroad in my life because, like, even now I've debated do I call in and I sound like I'm Kelly or do I sound like a mislay or how do I... You sound 100% like a dude right now. Well, absolutely. I know that, you know.

But you're not trying to sound like a woman, are you right now? No, not even sort of. Right. It's just, it's been a tough weekend. You know, it's been a time where I've been at this huge crossroads. where, you know, I feel like I've put so much energy in my life into being Kelly or my normal everyday persona or whatever. And that's the whole reason I was putting that out out there.

It's just I feel like I'm at a crossroads where I don't know. I'm so tired. I'm tired of just like I imagine that people listening to this will be is doing whatever it is. I mean, it's kind of whether it's somebody wanting to. to be a plumber, an electrician, a football player, a hockey player, a student. And we put all this effort to it. And then if it doesn't come to fruition, you know, it's just got to find that next year. And I feel like that's where I'm at in life.

It's like I'm tired, you know. You don't want to, you just want to be Kelly all the time, right? You feel more like you're sort of being somebody else when you're not being Kelly. Is that like what's so exhausting? Yeah. Right. Well, it's that. And I just don't feel like I want to. always be waving like how it's funny like how when you're at it's or in the commercial it says let

your freak flag yeah yeah let your free flag fly i just yeah and it's like it's i totally agree with that but it's also i just want to be me you know i just want to be you know i don't want to like you know yeah but don't you have that with like because there are people listen i give you a lot of credit and it takes a lot of balls to be like really true to yourself as much as you have so far at 36. I mean, you know, all of your friends know your wife knows. That's like pretty huge, okay? Because a lot of people that are in your position, I assume, are living total secret lives. Like they don't tell a lot of people. So the fact that you've had the balls to really step up and say, this is who I am and let all of your friends and your wife know is major and really huge.

And takes a lot of guts and you should be proud of yourself for that, right? So you know, you're like half the battle or like most of a lot of that battle. You've, already sort of won because your wife knows and you have an amazing relationship with her and she's supportive of that. You know, so you can't ask for anything more. I mean, that was the whole thing with Jessica. He didn't want to lose his family and he couldn't do that to them. So he was willing to sort of not be fully himself so that not to hurt his family, you know. You have so many people in your life who support you and are okay with it. So it's just a matter of you telling your family and then sort of going out there and really being Kelly all the time, right? So, and you know, what does that entail? Does that entail

going on hormones and sort of really doing like a transition? Like would you do that? Would you take it that far? Or is it just a matter of like just coming out like Kelly at work and to your family and just doing, you know, going like is that what's you have to do? Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's that next step, you know. And for me, like with her, I view it as, you know, being. straight enough forward with her is also be on her team because I want her to be involved in it. I mean, I don't. Who's her? Your wife?

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Like, I want her to be involved because, you know, I don't want anything to not be front, you know, forward and up with her because I do feel everything does come out one way or the other. I mean, whether it's in your feelings, your passion or your whatever. I mean, you know, like she's who I want to be with. Like, you know, I.

No, that's great. Yeah, and so I get that, you know, but... How did you tell her, though? Like, how did, I mean, were you up front with her when you guys were dating? Like, did you tell her straight up from the start? Is that what you do? Because I think that's the smartest way to be. Like, just be completely honest.

She might say that I didn't tell her right, right away. Uh-huh. But, you know, I'm a super talkative, super open, super honest person. So, I mean, I think that it was really, really quick. And, you know, because she is who she is, I mean, I just, I know, I know, don't know. I would have a tough time, you know, not having her now. I mean, just because, you know, if it was something sexual, then I don't knock anybody else there or happen to going about it. But since my wants and need to be, Kelly, isn't really sexual. And then I do do things with her

while I am dressed as Kelly. And I feel like in Kelly and all that. And to be honest with you, it's rarely when we have sex and it's not where I at least think that side or, you know, whatever. But, you know, me and her truly is that, like, emotional connection to where, you know, it's two people, not a man or a woman, a woman and a woman, whatever. I mean, it's you and her as a person. Yeah. Yeah, and she loves me that way and she wants to be with me that way, you know. But have you been with God? Like, have you been attracted to men?

Are you that open that, like, you could, like, have you been attracted to men in the past as Kelly? Or is it you're, like, attracted to women? I would say I'm totally, you know, attracted to women. I mean, have I been attracted to men? I mean, I think that the position of kind of like when you first emailed me, I like feeling of commenting on a picture or saying something about a picture just as acceptance. I mean, it would be kind of like, you know, let's say I flew up to New York and I was, you know, on a subway and you saw, you know, me smile or wave or something. you wouldn't necessarily want, you know, I've been to New York,

so I know that necessarily smiling or whatever on a subway might not be the necessarily, you know, whatever. But let's say I did come out there. I mean, you would be, it would feel good. Right, everyone wants to be wanted. Right. You just want, no, you just want. Yeah, you want, and it's just people thinking that you look great or you're hot or whatever.

You know, you want that. You want to walk down the street and have people look at you. You know, it's like we wouldn't. Exactly. And so to that extent, sure. I mean, I enjoy the fact. act that a man says, hey, you look great or whatever. Right.

But surprisingly, off that Craigslistad, you would think, oh, well, way more like men or whatever, would say something. It has been majority, you know, women or whatever. The men are usually what makes me feel very female because they'll say something rude, like, you know, oh, you just look like a man in the dress or like whatever. While the women, you know, and the reason they say that is usually because I respond, no, like, in the habit of them happily married. I am happily married and then they say something rude.

Right. And so, you know, I feel like, well, thanks, you truly did make me feel like a woman, you know, because I'm like, that's kind of fucked up to say that the women that I've talked to on there or whatever, it's been super kind and they either give tips or help or, and it does show that, you know, we are living in the more accepting world, you know. I mean, I'm far from, you know, just knowing what to do next because I'm scared, you know. I don't know how to go about it or what to do. So let me ask you this because you say you're like a very honest person,

and I get that from you. I'm that same way. So most of the time when you're that kind of person, there really isn't a choice, right? I mean, the truth just comes out at all times, right? But it's interesting to me that, like, I guess at some point you just decided, like, I'm not going to tell my family and I'm not going to tell, like, these people, and I'm not going to tell these people, you know,

when you sort of decided to not be honest in those areas of your life. and so now you're like super scared to sort of do it probably because you just haven't for so long. But it won't be any different really than, you know, because you're like an honest person. Like that's how you typically live. And it's like to me it's easier to be honest, right, on some level. Of course it's going to be a really weird conversation to have with your family and very difficult. Do you think that there's a chance that maybe they have an idea about it because you said that you know, since you've been in the fourth grade, you were dressing that way, and you always at that age, you didn't sort of think right or wrong.

You weren't thinking in those terms. So maybe you acted out, you know, as Kelly when you were younger and your family sort of saw that behavior? Is that, did they see that behavior with you when you were little? I mean, I don't know. I've never had that conversation with them to where, you know, I mean, I live a very, I don't know, you know, my family's very, very. structured or whatever to where, you know, I don't know. I mean, I'd like to say that they would or wouldn't, but I think it's also a lot of people are so wrapped up in what they do or whatever.

But I think that overall they would come to terms or be understanding, and at my age in the grand scheme of things, I mean, they'll either accept it or they wouldn't. And, I mean, it is what it is, you know, to where it's just, I don't know how to do it. And I think kind of what you said earlier, it's at the best as far as, like, telling people right away really is the best. And, right. Yeah, it's like this conversation.

This conversation never went another way. It never had another question. It never had anything else. And so it would be, you never in the middle of it had to say, oh, guess what? I'm wearing. Yeah, you don't have to come back to someone and say, oh, by the way, I've been lying to you for the past 36 years. I'm a complete, like, you know, I've been living a lie. Especially, like, that's difficult to do because that's basically what you'd have to go do with your parents, you know, and let them know that this is,

like sort of a secret you've been keeping from them because your wife knows your friends know this is something that you've been doing for a while so I think that initial thing is always difficult to sort dish out to somebody especially when you're used to being honest you know because that's you're that kind of person but you know and I get why you weren't honest with your family you know um like I said you should be proud of yourself that you were honest and you have been as honest as you know with the people in your life as you have because that's huge. huge. And I think a lot of people would love to have their significant others know and all of their friends. So you already have a huge support system on your side. So you'll definitely get through it.

It's just going to be that initial shock of saying, it's not just so much saying, oh, by the way, I'm like Kelly and I like to dress up as a woman, you know, and all that stuff. It's more so like, hey, by the way, I've been like totally lying to you and not telling you this huge thing about myself, you know, that's probably harder than telling them the truth, right? Because you're used to that. living the truth most of your life, not so secretly. And I think that that's, that's what you have going for you. You know, you have that on your side. So I think once you sort of apologize for sort of lying and forgive yourself for it, you know, and put that out there and get past that, you'll be able to let them know who you are and be who you are like you have been with everybody else

in your life. And they will learn to accept it because you're very accepting of it yourself, which I think helps other people feel comfortable about it. Absolutely, but it's funny. I never really into listening to like your podcast and stuff like I didn't. And it's funny because it's kind of one of those reality checks that flexion of base and you don't really think about. Because it's like I didn't really, and it's dumb now in hindsight, but I didn't. And it's not like I know when I was searching out, like looking for advice. Like what you said on that podcast was almost the opposite of what I was looking for because it's funny. Like I didn't really ever view it as I was lying because I just view as that's who I am.

But it is funny. Like when you said that night, she came home and told my wife about it right away right away. And I was like, and she goes, yeah, I know. I think that. And she even thought about that how I never really thought about like my brothers and, you know, my mom and dad thinking how you were lying to them. Because it is true. I mean, it would hurt me if all of a sudden I found something like that about my brother. And I thought, wow, for my whole life, you just didn't tell me, but you told everyone else.

And so it did. It put a lot of pressure because I didn't think about that. I always thought. What did I say that on the other podcast with Jessica? Yeah, when like you guys were talking about telling his kids or whatever. Right. And I guess his kids were like 13 or something like that. Right.

And saying how every, maybe he's even older than that, whatever it was. And they were saying how worried that they are. But once they're older, everyone says, oh, it's easier. But it's like when. No, it's actually worse. Well, no, it's harder. And I just was kind of like, oh, damn, I didn't think of it that way. You know, like, I kept living in denial.

I'm like, no, it'll be easier. It's like, no, I mean, it's true. No, I think that's what you're actually really are afraid of. I think on some level you know that. Yeah. And I think that's what probably bothers you as a super honest person the most, is having to sort of come clean about not coming clean, you know? And I didn't really view it as lying.

I just viewed it as, you know, it would be like, let's say, you played a sport or something like that. You didn't tell everyone you did. It didn't make you a liar. It just made you not necessarily telling them every detail. But in hindsight, I get it. Like, yeah. People might feel that way.

It's like it's like a deception or like it's sort of a thing where someone feels like maybe. You know, because listen, this is who you are and you have, I think what could be hurtful to other people is like, wow, you know, you told your wife and you told your friends. and, you know, everyone knows except me, you know, like maybe somebody would feel like, why didn't you feel like you could come to me and tell me, and yet you felt comfortable with all these other people. So it almost is like insulting or like people could take it that way. People could personalize things, you know? Yeah, absolutely.

And then you'll have some explaining to do. But, you know, people will get through it. I mean, you said before that you feel like your family will be accepting of it. So you know them. I mean, I don't know your family. Sure. But, you know, you feel that they will be accepting. So you just have to do it.

And I think, like, the sooner you do it and get it over with, the better. And then after you take that step, if you really want to go to the next step, like, I mean, are you looking to do, like, be Kelly at work and in the workplace and stuff like that as well? I don't know. I'd be shocked if anyone where I live necessarily listens to them. or whatever, but I could change your voice. Well, I hate that over, however, whatever, but, you know, I work for myself. And so my boss, I don't see that would really care due to the fact that that's myself.

So, you know, work wouldn't really be a factor. Right. So just telling, the next thing would be, like, besides telling your family and coming out, like, what's that next big step of, like, really coming out is it just like walking around your neighborhood and being like really out there i don't and this i don't know if you get this like how i'll describe it so i'll do my best but i don't know my whole life i've been the total guy's guy you know like i've been the person that has so much content and i mean this sounds so terrible so i don't mean for it to come across this way but

i've only had one woman never tell me no my entire life where she didn't want to date me or didn't I mean, like, I've just, you know, I'm the perfect All-American guy, you know. I play ice hockey. I get whatever women I want. And I don't need to come across bad, but I just, you know, anything I set my mind to, I get it. And, like, because I'm willing to work as hard or harder than anyone else. And so I think my big fear is just, it's the one thing I can't work harder, hard enough to make happen. I mean, and I'm so I'm scared.

Anything else I've always worked harder and I got it, I worked hard enough and I was able to obtain or done. And in this, I just, I don't want to be a man with boobs. I don't, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to be. You want to do it the right way like you do ever. But you do kind of, you can sort of control those things like you control other areas of your life. Like you can't control how people are going to perceive you. You can't control how people are going to sort of whether they're going to accept you or not.

Like that kind of stuff you can't control. is like, you know, a hard thing to deal with because you don't have control over that. But you do have control over how you look and how that, you know, and the fact that, you know, you don't want to be a man with boobs. Like you can do stuff. Just like you say you're the successful personality type who, like you have a problem. You go out there. You solve it or you work really hard.

You do. You make shit happen, right? Like that's your personality type. So you want to, you know, so I just write. The fact that you put an ad on. line on Craigslist for women to look with a couple different pictures, you know, to ask for critiques. Like, that's, that's, that's you taking control of the situation.

That's you, you're starting, that's a good start, right? You're like looking for advice. So there is stuff you can do. There's hormones you could take to make you look more female. Okay. So you definitely can tackle it like you tackle other parts of your life. You work hard and you do a better job and therefore, like you're successful. this is the same thing with looks wise absolutely the emotional stuff and the telling your family and

coming out more and all that scary stuff that's the stuff you don't really have control over you know people are going to sort of you know feel the way they're going to feel about it your family might not come around for a little while that's going to they're going to do it on their timing not yours i mean you're going to that's the stuff you don't have control over but the looks and how you sort of present yourself and how good you look as a female is totally in your control and there actually are things you can do you could work your ass off to look really fucking good as a woman. Well, but it's tricky

because, like, see, I've already gone to therapy long enough on two different occasions that both of them, in a nutshell, said, yeah, you need to start hormones or whatever. And the thing is, if I ever go for that and it ever blows up my face or whatever, it's not like

I can just tell people how hot, just kidding, and go back to square one. It's like you, let's say when you started this podcast, let's say it didn't blow up and you weren't talking to somebody like me or somebody all over, you know, doing all those things. If you went back to doing something else, everyone would say, hey, way to go, good try. With me, if it doesn't go well or it doesn't go good, it's not like I can just say, hey, ha ha, just kidding.

And it's so scary because I've never, in my life, just had to take a leap of faith. I always had a groundwork of, you know, amazing people around me and a great support staff. And, you know what I mean, like support and all that. But listen, anything in life, yeah, yeah, but listen, okay, you talk that like you're like this super successful person that's gotten, whatever they want anything. And maybe that's just like you've been like lucky. But most people that do like really amazing things and like start things on their own and everything, they always take, they have to take a leap of faith. Like most things in life require that. Starting relationships and falling in love requires that.

Like starting your own business requires that. There's probably been many things that you've done that requires that. I just think that this is something that's so scary to you because the hormone thing, like you say, there's like sort of no turning back. But I think that if you go to the right doctor, right? And I don't know where you live, but you make sure you go, you know, make sure you really do your due diligence and finding like the right person to do the hormones for you. And I think if you do it and you get the right doctor, there's no reason why it won't work.

I don't understand what you're sort of envisioning could be, could happen that would make you sort of fail and then you have to quit and then there's no turning back. What's going to happen? Like you're going to grow a bigger dick and instead of tits. Like I mean like you're going to you're going to, they give you female hormones and they sort of change your body up and they give you some estrogen. You're going to change. That's what it's all about. Like I think that they pretty much have it down to a science. I mean, I don't know much about it. You know, I'm like learn all my shit from Google. But I'm sure. You've been Googling about it. Like how is there, how could you fail? You just got to make sure you go to a really good doctor and you got to stick with it. But there shouldn't be a problem. Yeah, I think it's just. What are you afraid of turning into like an ugly woman? I don't know.

I guess I'm afraid of, I mean, it's only happened once. But I remember being at a local mall here. And I was walking through a thing in a crowd. and I presume I overheard someone and it's so bad that it's one time most people I hear that are transgender say oh it happens all the time I don't know if they notice or I don't care

and so it literally said I've been doing this since fourth grade and one time I've heard someone say oh was that a man and it's just the way that felt I'm so used to maybe I'm just very very overconfident but I'm used to walking into a risk and feeling like I am

I don't know how to say it without sounding terrible than one of the better looking guys or whatever. Right, but at that time you weren't a guy. You were Kelly and you were a man with a wig on and somebody sort of saw through it. So maybe that day you just didn't, you know, do Kelly the right way. But you're saying that's like one time

as opposed to how many times have you been Kelly and people haven't said. Oh. Something. Yeah, very, yeah. You know, so I don't know. So you might just be a little negative. The fact that you only focus on like one,

sort of person that says something and said, and listen, I'm the type of person that's like motivated by insults, right? So, you know, I would take a situation like that and be horrified, but then I'd be like, I'd look at the mirror and be like, okay, what did I do wrong today that that person knew that I was a dude and not, you know, Kelly, who I want to be.

You know, so you don't, you should look at it like instead of being like a dis-personalizing it and just feeling bad about yourself, you should be like, okay, I didn't do the right thing that day, like, and try to figure out how not to do that again. Because basically, that day, all the person said was the truth. Like, that's a guy with a wig on.

And that's what, without hormones, that is what you are, right? I mean... Absolutely. So... As far as just be more confident and realize that... It's not just more confidence. Also, just honest with yourself.

You know, just be honest with yourself, okay? And sort of, instead of personalizing the things that people say, sort of looking to see the truth and what they're saying, and then just like sort of, you know, changing things around because of the feedback that you, that was feedback that you got that day.

That's all that was. It was feedback. Like you obviously didn't put yourself together properly that day as a woman. You know, maybe it was the wrong wig. Maybe it was the wrong makeup. Maybe the outfit wasn't so great, you know? Whatever that was didn't work. It doesn't mean, though, anything more than that.

And like I said, if you want to become more of a person that's not a man with tits, you know, you have to do the hormones. because without that, you know, people are always going to be able to tell a little bit. I think so. I personally think in your pictures, the first one is the best. I mean, you have three pictures that I saw. Okay, I'm looking at them right now. And it's hard to explain because this is like a radio show, right?

And people aren't going to see them too. But why I think you didn't get like really bad stuff for people on Craigslist? Because you didn't put like dirty pictures up. Like these are like you really just put pictures of your face dressed up like as a woman. And there is a picture of your cleavage, which I think is interesting because, Because how do you get your tits to look so big if you don't have any tits? A lot of practice. Is that makeup, right?

Because I had, I don't know, I had a drag queen on, drag queen named Phil. Did you listen to his podcast? He was great. I really liked him. He lives in New York here. I know. I haven't listened to that one yet. Oh, that one's good.

He had really huge tits, but he has no tits. You know, he's like a total guy. He's a drag queen. So he says it's just like a lot of, you know, he puts a lot of makeup. on but your tits actually like do you put um like uh do you stuff your bra because they're not just like you don't just see cleavage i mean they come out so like what do you have going on there that makes them look so huge i mean maybe you could help women out there who are flat chested don't know i just use makeup and bras and stuff to wear um just a lot of work a lot of practice yeah so i think the first wig

It is better than the second wig. The first wig looks more natural on you personally. And it's a more natural hairstyle. It looks really good. It doesn't look too done up, right? It doesn't look too perfect. It looks good with your face. I like it's a little messy.

And I think it actually looks good. I think the second one, I do not like that one at all. The second one. Oh, yeah, what? Yes, the same. I agree. the first one is a new wig that you know when you bought

I don't know probably eight months ago or whatever and I agree with you and I've got very positive feedback on it so I appreciate that the second one I think is too curly for your face and too many layers like I'm very critical and I'm very visual and I just have to say

that one it looks too done up and I just don't like it on you that one maybe if you straighten it out a little bit and brush it out like it'll work a little bit better, but I just don't like the way that one is styled. I don't think it goes with your vibe in that picture. And you know what? I would say that to my girlfriend that had the wrong hair do. You know what I mean? It's just like everyone could rock something different.

I think personally, you look better in straighter hair. Yeah, I appreciate that. I mean, that's just my critique of your actual physical looks in this ad that you have. People can't see the pictures of you, but like I said, you just posted three pictures. One is of your cleavage, and I guess just to show how much work you put in there to make them look very real, right? Because you're not, like you said, it's not a sex thing. You're sort of not putting yourself out there to get sort of negative attention. And the other two are straight up pictures of you with different looks, right?

Two different ones with different looks to see what people say. But I do believe. And you look good in the first one. Like, I don't know that I would think that you're a guy with a wig in that one at all. You know, I think if you go on the horn, There's no way it's going to make you look worse. It's only going to help. So I don't know what your big fear is.

Do you know what it is? I don't know. The unknown, I guess. I mean, it's just, you know, at 36 years old, you get comfortable and, you know, not saying all of that, even slightly old or whatever. I think you just get used to a thing that's safe. I think that my life right now is safe. I mean, I've got an amazing wife and family and, you know, all that.

And now to do that, it's the unknown. Do you need to, like, let me ask you this. Do you, if you get away most of the time with walking around dressed up as Kelly and most people never make the comments to like, oh, look at that's a dude, right? You know, and so do you really need to go that extreme and do the hormones? Could this be enough for you? Like after you tell your family, right? And since your wife knows and all your friends know, could that be enough?

or do you feel the desire to, like, be physically more like a woman and do the hormones? I don't know. And that's, I think, where I'm at, like, as far as looking for the advice. I mean, I don't know because it's so new as far as feeling at this point where I've got to make a decision. And I don't know why I've come to that point in my life where I feel like I need to. Maybe some part of you wants to, but you know what Oprah once said. She said, not knowing is the answer. That means you don't know.

Like, you just don't know until you'll know. So if you don't know, like nobody else, I don't think something as important as this. You could get advice on like, how does this wig look and how does this outfit look? But I think to take this next step and do the hormones and stuff, I think that you need to make that decision yourself. That can't be somebody else's decision. All that advice in the world, it's like it has to come from you. And maybe you're not ready. Maybe there's a part of you that's starting to want to think about it and a part of you that

on some level wants you to make that decision. But maybe it's not just yet. Maybe it's a year from now. Maybe it's six months from now. Maybe it's three years from now. You'll know when you know. Like I said, Oprah once said on a show and I remember like, oh, that's so fucking smart. She was just like, you know, not knowing is an answer.

Like that's not knowing. You know, there's knowing something and then there's not knowing. If you don't know yet what to do, that's okay. Like just sit in the not knowing and know that eventually you will know. But sometimes you can't force yourself to know something before you're sort of ready. And that's just the way that it is. And especially and you should make- What if you're afraid of not knowing?

Well, that's why you're not, that's why you don't know. And that's what you have to go to. You have, like, you can't even say what you're really afraid of. So that's what you need to figure out. What is that fear? what is that fear all about? Is it like the medical stuff? Is it that you can't turn back?

Is it the letting go of like the male part of you? Like what is that is it that just change? Is it just fear of change? You know, that's always scary, I think. I don't like to change anything and I'm changing constantly. You know, change is always kind of scary. So, you know, you have to figure out what really is that fear, right? And then eventually you have to decide what are you going to do with that?

To me, I believe that like when you're fucking afraid of something, you've got to do it, right? Because we're supposed to face our fears. That's what's being balzy. You know, that's what real sort of strength is. You know, I have a lot of friends that'll be like, oh, I'm not afraid of anything and I'll do anything. And I'm not, it's like, if you don't ever afraid of anything and you don't do anything, you're afraid of that doesn't make you strong. The real strong people are the people that are afraid of fucking everything, but they do shit anyway. That's where true.

That's when you know you're truly strong. So you have to figure out what that fear is and then facing. And whatever that means to you, depending on what that fear is, you have to do it, you know? I don't know what your fear is. Like, you know, I've only been talking to you for 45 minutes, you know. And you've sort of shown a lot of like the good parts of like sort of this experience for you, right? It seems so far from what you've told me to be mostly positive. They're like you're pretty open.

Your wife knows. Your friends know, you're going to have to deal with your family. It doesn't really affect your life in a negative way. of course like anything and anybody I mean this is why I do my podcast there's always deeper shit there right so there is obviously something going on with you that you're afraid to take that next step but yet on some level you're starting to feel like it's time to do that absolutely and you're going to have to figure that out that's like sort of going within yourself you know therapy helps it's so great that you have friends and your wife that know about this because I think just talking to people

helps. There are so many times where somebody has said something to me that completely like turned the light bulb on, you know, and you remember exactly where you are when you hear those things. And those things are like, somebody else is saying it, but I believe that you get those things and the light bulb goes off because you're finally ready, you know? So it is good to keep talking about it and to keep having this conversation. And eventually you'll figure out what it is that you're afraid of. And once you figure that out, you'll be able to make some decisions and then you're going to have to have some balls and then you're going to have to take action

and then you'll get you know you'll move to that next level yeah absolutely you know and I just hope that I do because on the other oh my god stop see I hate when people say shit like that that's like when someone says they want to quit something and they're like I'm going to try try I hope like that's all negative stuff

listen this is doable things you will either do it or you won't you don't need to hope you just need to have set an intention and make a decision for yourself, and then it will happen. You are in control of this. This is about you.

This is not outside of you. You don't have to hope for anything. This is all within yourself. This is about what you choose to do. You make decisions for yourself. So there's no reason why that will not happen. So you don't have to hope for it. Yeah, you don't have to hope for anything.

I can't stand when I hear people say shit. Like I said when people say like, oh, I'm going to try to quit smoking. It's like, what do you mean try? Like, you're either going to do it or you're not. Like trying is such bullshit. It's a bullshit word. Right? And hope is a bullshit word in this situation.

You know, like hope means something in a lot of other situations. But in this situation, when we're talking about you making a decision for yourself and a change for yourself, you don't, to say I hope that it happens. It's so like it's like taking your power outside of yourself. Like you control yourself. You have the power to change yourself. That's all within you. You don't need to hope for that. You just need to make that choice.

I think though you just, you're not. there yet because you don't really know what you want yet and you have to make those decisions and sometimes that takes a little while sure and yeah so i mean i guess my hope then is is that i figure those answers out well you know you know you will you don't put a time limit on yourself you don't know when like i said that light bulb will go off and you'll know if you keep talking about it and you want and you and and you want to know you and and you want to know know what those answers are and I think what you need to get to first is what is stopping you and it's always like fear there's some sort of deep-seated fear and you have to figure out what it is you're

afraid of and after that you'll be able to make some decisions and I think if you want to that's all that you need you know that's like that you just set that intention if that's what you know you intend to do and you intend to figure that shit out you eventually will just be patient with yourself. Yeah, and that's, that's the goal. You know, it's just finding that time and the courage and the lack of setbacks, you know, like. Well, what do you mean? Mm-hmm.

What do you mean, setback? I don't know, just there's certain times. I mean, it's kind of like you, let's say, you know, go out to a bar or something like that, and one night you just feel absolutely great, you know, the confidence of thinking, hey I look great tonight and then the next time you go out. I look like I have a bad hair day because it's like raining outside and nobody looks at me and I feel ugly. Yeah, you got to ride that wave.

Okay, that's life. You're 36. You got to understand that that's just the way it's going to be always. You're always. Yeah, that's not like a like, what did you call it? A roadblock? What did you? You just called it a word.

Well, but that's just regular life. Like some days you feel really confident. Some days you feel like shit, you know? Welcome to like girls having their period. Like it's even worse when you throw hormones. Way to go on those hormones. It might even make your emotions like totally different. Sometimes we feel confidence.

Sometimes we feel insecure. Like it could be you ate too much chocolate the day before. Sugar fucks you up. No, I feel like shit when I eat sugar because I'm very body conscious. So that's normal stuff that you go through, those waves of feelings. And if you don't put too much stock in them, meaning like you don't sort of become fatalistic about like that one feeling you have that you don't think, oh my God, this is forever and this means so much, you could be okay with it. Some days you're not going to feel okay about yourself. If you're striving to get to a place

where you always feel great about yourself and you're, I just don't think that that exists. I think if you become like more okay with some days not feeling so great about yourself, I think that you'd probably be a lot happier. Let's see, as a guy, I always have that confidence. You know, if I don't like when my hair looks, I put on a hat, if I don't like the way. I mean, if a guy I like is so much easier. I know. And that's what I always joke with my friends and life. And life is,

if life is easy as a guy. I mean, you have a tanger, change and a hat arm. That's right. You feel like, hey, I look great. Oh, yeah. And you're only 36.

I'm so used to confidence. Yeah, and you're 36. Maybe why they're, this is what you should do. This is my advice view. From now, from 36 to like a 45, you should be a woman. And then a 45 switch back to being.

a man because you're going to get like you're going to get all wrinkly and shit and people are going to think you're hot because you're a man and you look old but as a woman is not so much so you should you should get the girl thing going now while you're young and your skin looks good and still and then go back so you really have the best of both worlds because you're right as a guy guys do have it easier it's tough to be a girl but like you come into your own as a woman you know I mean, I was so much more self-conscious and all that stuff when I was younger. And, you know, as a woman in her 40s, like, you just sort of become comfortable in your own skin. And that's what becomes attractive about women when they get older. I mean, some women have that kind of confidence when they're younger. That's real confidence. When you're just comfortable in who you are and in your own skin. And you know, like, the, you know, the best you could look. And when you don't look your best, you're just like okay with that. And that just comes with age. And, you know, for you, that comes with just like being Kelly more often. And you know, like, you know, that comes with just like being Kelly more often. and sort of like getting to a place where you could be Kelly the best, you know, and like you could do her. And then some days when it doesn't work, you'll be okay. Like I mean, there's, everybody has,

you know, sort of a ceiling of how good they could look. I mean, we're not all like Christy Brinkley, right, or whatever model you want to be, you know, like you got to be the best you could be for yourself. You can't expect anything more than that. But yeah, it is harder to be a woman. And it's like, interesting that you have both angles. Because I try to tell my guy friends a lot of times, like, you just try not having a dick and like being a girl. It's very difficult in a lot of ways, you know. And I'm not, I'm talking more about just like, you know, sort of emotionally and being out there as a woman and just having a voice. You know, you're talking about the looks thing, which I haven't really had to deal with since I've been younger because, you know, when you

get older, you don't think about it as much. Though I still look great for my age because I take care of myself, you know, and so I don't have to worry about it. But you're, this is like new stuff for you because you're not like a hundred percent full-time girl, right? You're like part-time girl, so you're like part-time miserable. I don't know that you want to be full-time girl. You know, you have to make that decision because it is harder. You are judged on different things. You walked down the street sometimes as a woman. Like I got to say, like you walked down the street and when you look really good and there's like a pack of guys. Like it's very, very, you're very, you're uncomfortable to walk by and just sort of get cat called and have guys look at you and say shit.

Like, you know, that's what you're experience. And sometimes it's good, but sometimes it's like uncomfortable. But, you know, so you're going to have to like deal with all that stuff. But on the other hand, times like that bad have happened to me. It also, for me, has felt, I almost enjoyed that more than the times that I didn't get cat called or whatever you want to call. Right. Of course. I do feel like, hey, they don't notice anything or, you know, whatever.

And so it's, I get it. Like, you know, and so it is. It's funny that I'm, you know, asking for something that Ruth does bring a lot more stress. And that's why, like, I appreciate what women go through all the time. I mean, the fact that how much more difficult, the easier portions of life are and men just expect them to pull it off. I mean, it's like, come out, hurry up, get ready. Why does it take it happen? to get ready. I mean, you know, when I get, you know, half an hour, you get me, like, to be able to, you know.

And, like, have you shave all your man hair off of your body when you're Kelly? Like, what do you do with all that? Yeah, which that's even a heck of a lot of work. Yeah. Yeah. And women have hair all over their bodies that they're not supposed to have. Like, you know, like, it is a lot of upkeep and a lot of work. That's why I always make jokes about, like, how the fact that, like, men think it's, like, bullshit to pay the tab and it should be split. And I'm all like, that's ridiculous. Like, by the time a girl shows up for a date, she's put in a lot of money on that date, you know, from getting wax to getting her nails done to paying for her outfit. Like, everything is more expensive to be the upkeep for a woman is just a whole thing. You know, what does a man show up for, like clothes that he's had for five years? And he's just got to pick up the tab.

It's not that difficult, you know. Absolutely. Yeah. So, I mean, like, you know, you have to decide when you really want to go into all that work and be. full-fledged Kelly all the time, but I think the deeper thing is, is like, you know, when you make that next step and tell your family and then really come out 100%. Maybe you will never. Maybe you won't want to. I mean, like, I think that you have it so good as a guy that, you know, it might be hard to let go of that. It's, you know. But the tricky thing that I'm coming across now, and that's why

it's getting more difficult. You know, it used to be, and this is like something my wife, and you've been talking about, it used to be like when you go to a sporting event or you go to the mall or you go out in public, you know, we have such an open relationship. I mean, if I saw some beautiful woman or whatever, it's not like I would keep it up. And I thought, oh, it was crazy.

I saw this beautiful woman or I saw whatever. I mean, she knows I'm not going to cheat and I know she's not going to cheat. Right, so you can be completely honest. Right, right, right. That's great. It used to be my whole life growing up and whatever. If I saw a beautiful woman, you know, sometimes you would be like, oh my God, she's so, like, hot.

I want to sleep with her now. I'm almost becoming more cynical on the world because I might sit there and say, you know, I'm almost mad at that woman because I'm jealous. Oh, my God, that's jealousy. Yeah, it stinks like, you know. I have no idea what you look like or whatever, but like, let's have us walking through New York City and I saw you walk by. I might, you know, sit there and be back in the day, sit there and say, oh, she's so gorgeous

now. Unfortunately, under my breath, I'd be like, bitch, you know. Yeah, some girls are like that. Yeah, but you know, that's just because I think what jealousy is, okay? And I learned this long time and it's very true. And it's like it's sort of like a signpost for yourself. It's like, you know, you're never going to be jealous. Like what you're jealous of is what the fact that somebody else has what you want. Okay. So, and so that should tell you something about what you want, right? And so when you, when jealousy sort of rears its ugly head, in your life. I think it's really important to say like, what is it that I'm so jealous? And why am I you know, jealous of that? And when you realize that you're jealous because it's what you want, whatever that is. Some girls are jealous because their friend has a boyfriend. It's like if you're so jealous, your friend has a boyfriend, maybe it's because you're not paying attention to your love life and you need to focus on yourself and go out and get a boyfriend, right? And so for you,

you're looking out of these women and you're so jealous of them. It's because you're not being the woman that you need to be. Once you start focusing on yourself and I think, doing those hormones and becoming as the woman that you are, you're going to be focused on doing that. You're going to forget about looking at other women and being jealous of them. I think your jealousy lies in the fact that they have what you want, that you can't take the step towards just yet. Do you understand?

And so that's why you're jealous. And that will pass once you start becoming more of a woman. Yeah, but it's kind of like ripping a bandit off or getting a shot or something. Getting a shot of ripping a Band-Aid off really aren't that painful, but that thought right beforehand where you're so scared, like, you think, oh, my God, it's going to hurt so bad. And it's just, like, it's just, I don't know how to take that. You just got to do it.

I mean, it's so scary. I mean, it just, I feel like I'm risking so much. But don't think about the whole, no, listen, don't think about, and when you say taking that risk, taking that first step, what do you mean about doing the hormones? Yeah, I mean, any of it. because I don't want. So this is what you have to look at sometimes. Okay, this is what you have to sort of tackle things like that when it seems so big.

You just have to like sort of cut it down into little sort of segments. And like, why don't you just start doing one little thing at a time, you know? Maybe just make a consultation with a doctor. Maybe just Google to find the best doctor, you know? And then maybe like I said, just go in for a consultation, but don't commit to anything. You know, just do, like, don't look at the whole thing because it becomes so overwhelming in youth and think of it so big, you know, just because that's not how it's going to happen anyway, okay? If you make that decision to make that step in that direction, it's going to be little steps and it's going to take a while. It's not just going to, it's not just going to happen in one day, you know, it's going to be a lot of things you're going to have to do.

The first thing is you're going to have to find a doctor. I've been to a doctor, two different doctors and both of them are about. got to the point where they're like, yeah, you need to take that next step. I mean, both times. What was the next? Yeah, but those were therapists. I don't mean a therapist. I mean a hormone doctor.

Yeah, totally, yes. All I mean is, like, find that doctor and go in and just have a conversation. Sure. That's it. Don't look at it so, like, so much. Like, you know, when you, it's like reframing. Sometimes, like, when you put something in your head and you make it something bigger than it is, It's almost like you block yourself from that then.

So don't make it such a big thing. Just like go to a doctor. Find your hormone doctor. Just go in for a consultation. Maybe that doctor will say some stuff to you that will make you feel better. And then you'll take the step of like getting blood work done just to see where your hormones are at. And then they'll give you the information. And you could make decisions what you're going to do each step of the way.

It's like a domino effect. You just got to do one thing, one little thing every day towards sort of becoming more. of the woman that you are, that you want to be. And it'll all work out. But it's going to take like a lot of action on your part. So you could start doing little things here and there without committing to anything. You know, without popping any pills or taking any hormones, just go make some consultations with some doctors. Maybe, you know, look at some support groups or find some other transgender people who have been through it.

And maybe talk to them, you know, and how that went for them. And you also have to, you have to also, you know, make the decision to, you know, talk to your family about it. And the sooner you do that, the better. But you can't have all this on your plate. It's like it's so much it's like overwhelming, you know? So maybe you need to like sort of come clean with your family first. And then I think that if you have their approval and you're really, really out like that, maybe that'll help you feel more confident and going towards the direction of like sort of making it more permanent with Horner.

hormones. Yeah, I agree. You know, and I know that's something that it seems like every time I almost tell them or I do that, something happens or, you know, something. You know, like even the summer I had an appointment to go get all my hormones checked and, you know, you know, because you're locally where I am like Planned Parenthood can do like all of that for you. Graves. That's what's funny about everything going on on politics. Like everyone's like, oh, yeah. It's only this, this and this. And like, like, For me, Planned Parenthood is an ability for me to go have my hormones checked without going through my health insurance and without doing all that type of stuff. That's great.

So what happened? Well, ended up in my wife got sick and we kind of had a scare with her health. And so the appointment got missed. And now life continued to move on and I missed my appointment, you know. Right. So you just got to make another one. Yeah. But that's good.

You were close. Real close, yeah. And, you know, and so I plan on rescheduling it when I have more time and different stuff. But I don't know. I think sometimes I also look for excuses just so I can not blame myself, but blame life and situations. Totally. You know, I'm scapegoats, you know, instead of. Yeah, because there's a...

It wasn't meant to be here. There's a part of you that, like, we all have that part of us and doesn't want us to succeed. I don't know what that fucking part is, but it exists of most people, you know, it sort of rears his ugly head and tells you, oh, you're too tired to make that appointment today. And then it makes you not do what you're supposed to do. You know, it sort of gives you no energy when you need it. And I feel like that's like the little evil part of yourself that's trying to keep you down. And you have to go against that. You really do because you need to be successful in your life and you need to take care of yourself and do the things that are going to make you happy. And what's going to make you happy is when

you make an appointment and you go and you follow through. And I'm going to tell you how you're going to feel when you walk out of that appointment really having it done you're going to feel very proud of yourself and you're going to feel very energized and it's going to give you so much energy to do whatever you need to do next but when you blow things off and you forget about things and you don't sort of do what you're supposed to do you have no energy you know that takes energy away that disempowers you you want to empower yourself and the way you empower yourself is by following through with things that you need to do for yourself absolutely that's why you're I've been so depressed lately and everything like that. Because you're not showing up for yourself. Yeah, you're not doing that. And I get that. Listen, I tried for three years. I'm having a baby in December, two months from now with a surrogate,

but I tried for three years to have a baby. And I can't tell you every roadblock that could come up in someone's life came up for me. Like, I can't tell you what I went through, but I never stopped and I never gave up. And I keep plowing, you know, plowed through. And eventually I got what I wanted. And it really taught me in life that like, you know, when you want something or you, you know, you want to be, it's just a matter of continuing and not stopping until you get what you want. And there's no giving up and there's no stopping. And anybody that uses any kind of excuse or whatever, that's what it is, you know.

For you right now, doesn't matter what happened with your wife. Everything's fine now, right? You need to make that appointment and you need to get on it. And nothing can stop that, you know. And it doesn't. Well, here's one question. And then for you is what would happen? And let's say you have an amazing, beautiful, healthy little girl.

And she looks up to you like you are absolutely the world. And you, for some reason, feel like you were a man. But yet that little girl wanted to be just like you, wanted to do everything like you, and everything like that, would you still have the nerve to become a man if that was how you felt? I don't know because I'm not in your position, right? Like it's so hard to, you know, put myself in your position. I can't do it and answer authentically, right? Only you have that answer.

Like I could talk to a woman that's gone through fertility problems and tell her what I would talk to my child about because I use donor sperm. Like I could talk on that, but that has nothing to do with your story, right? I don't, I can't, I don't know what I would do in that situation because I'm not you. Only you know. But what I do know that you started off talking about very early. on in this podcast was how much, you know, from day one, this is just always who you've been, always who you felt that you were, you were always very comfortable with it. It was just like sort of a given. And it's, and, you know, all of your friends know, your wife knows, just your

family doesn't know. And it seems that what you're struggling most now with is this like little, this part of it, which is that whole acceptance of people as a woman because you've been accepted as a man, but it's sort of like starting all over. again, right? So that's, you know, a lot to handle. And I think that's where your apprehension comes from. You don't have kids. So you don't have to explain to anybody right now, right? Do you have kids? I do. Oh, oh, you do. Sorry. I think maybe you mentioned that. Right. So how old is your son? He's young. Okay. So. Okay. So. So. All right. But so you don't have to like, I mean, you haven't, does he see you dressed up as Kelly? he does not know he doesn't okay he's just he's just getting to that age where you know probably and that's why like your previous episode with jessica kind of hit home because it's kind of one of those things i feel it's time to shitter get off the pot you know i kind of have to either tell him or not tell him for a long time you know yeah you could it could either be something

that he's always known so that's just his regular life or it's something that like it becomes like oh like this was something i didn't know and it was something that was dropped on me you know at age 10 or 15, you know, and then they'll remember that moment. You know, that's your choice. I don't, I'm not a therapist, so I don't, I can't give advice on that kind of stuff. You know, that's like your thing. But what I do feel like that you have to sort of figure out is what your next move is. And only you could figure that out. And all this questions about how you look and whether you're going to be accepted and all that stuff, that's like a part of your process. And that's a part of being a woman. And you are, unfortunately,

an insecure woman. I've been an insecure woman and I'm not an insecurity woman anymore. So the good news is that can change, right? But right now you're a highly insecure woman. You sent me an email asking me that you were wondering if I could like get my listeners to look at your pictures.

Like you're looking for critiques. Is that what it was? I didn't really understand what you wanted me to do because this is a radio show. But there are places where I could post your pictures. I could put them on my Facebook ad. I could post them on. Twitter, I could send a link to your

ad. Like, I mean, you know, is that what you're looking for? I didn't really understand. Absolutely. Any of that. I mean, I also want people to realize, too, that, you know, the pictures, I feel I do better in person, which I imagine everybody says that, but, you know, those were just pictures I had that I slapped

on a Craigslist ad. It wasn't like I went to some photographer or something. They were mostly, you know, like a pixel selfie or whatever you want to call it from my phone or whatever to where, you know, I went honest and all that, but I'd hope people would be considerate and all of that. But I would absolutely.

I mean, the whole reason I found you was because I was wanting to see what people thought or whatever. I mean, you know, I'm going to just give you my opinion on that, okay? And I know that you go on Craigslist and you're looking for it.

I don't, I don't understand that. And I don't, I don't know. I feel like there's something sort of twisted about that desire in you for feedback from total strangers about how you look and where you're at. with like your wigs and stuff. I don't know.

I can't, I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like to open it up, especially to my listeners, like who knows what you're going to get? Like, especially when you know for sure, we've already talked about it. You've sort of copped to the fact that you're kind of insecure.

And if one person, you could look great all the time and nobody ever knows when you're out and about as Kelly that you're a dude, right? But once you went out and someone's like, that's a fucking man with the wig or whatever it was said. and you were like horrified by that and you remember that. Why would you then open yourself up to most likely having that happen again? Because sometimes people are just assholes.

Like it doesn't, you could have a hundred people that are nice and would give maybe great critique and say something really good. But maybe you're going to have that one person that's going to be an asshole and say something bad. And then you're going to harp on it. Like why would you do that to yourself? I feel like that's some sort of backwards thing that you're doing to yourself that isn't so good for you, personally. So I don't, I don't think I should post your pictures online. I prefer for my show to be anonymous and keep it that way. I don't even think that you should do that for yourself

and open it up, even on Craigslist to get even one fucking asshole that sends you a rude comment and then that sort of penetrates your brain and it affects your day. Like I just don't believe in that. Like you're really opening yourself up to nonsense that really shouldn't sort of be in your life because it's like you're sort of like asking total strangers for their opinions. And just so you know, most people are stupid morons. Like, why would you want stupid morons opinions? You know what I mean? If your wife knows about this and you have friends that know about it, why don't you keep, why don't you just ask like, you know, pick like three friends that are really brutally honest and like have them be, you know, the person that you go to and say, hey, how the fuck do I look? I'm that

friend to people. Like people take me shopping when they want to know the truth because I'll be like you look fat and gross in that or you look fucking killer in that. Like, you know, there's always people like that in everyone's life, right? Everyone has that friend that's really brutally honest, right? And you don't need 100 people to tell you how you look. When you need 100 people to tell you how you look, it means that you have low self-esteem and you don't have a sense of how you look yourself and you need to get that from you. And it doesn't matter if 100 people tell you you look great.

It's not going to change your mind because you don't think you do, right? you're needy in a way that reeks of sort of insecurity. And the way to make yourself feel more secure is not by having other people tell you look good because that's not what it's about. Self-esteem means your esteem comes from yourself, not from others. So I really think instead of worrying about what everyone thinks about your pictures, you should spend more time working on yourself and making yourself feel better about yourself. You should watch that Caitlin Jenner thing, okay?

There's a whole bunch of transgender women on there. Half of them sound like men, half of them look like men with wigs on, but they are the most comfortable in their skin happy with who they are women. And they've been transgender for a long time and they fucking own it. And that's where you need to get. Are you going to be the perfect girl that looks like exactly like a girl? That may never happen. But I don't think that that's what it's about because you sit at four,

you were a little boy, but you felt like a girl, and that's all that mattered to you. And that's where I think you need to get with this. It's not about being like perfect looking. It's about feeling comfortable. So I think there's some sort of like weird insecurity thing that's going on and you're sort of going like backwards. And I don't know.

It's like twisted what you're doing with the pictures. And I don't want to feed into it. I don't want to open up. And listen, I think all my audience, I get only people that, write in nice things about stuff. So it's not like I think that the people that listen to my show are assholes. I just don't think it's the right thing to do.

And I don't think that you need that. I think what you need is some like, you know, just working, going to doctors, looking into the hormone things to try and get yourself more female in that sense. Yeah. And just also working on your self-esteem on your solo, you know. But with somebody that's like into the whole transgender thing, there's got to be therapists that specialize in that. That's what you should find.

Absolutely. Well, and all that, I appreciate it. It's been really quick because I know we got to wrap it up. It was fourth grade, not when I was four. So it was a little bit of that. Oh. And then after that, yeah. Yeah, totally.

And then after that, I think part of it is just, you know, I do feel I'm a good-looking male and all of that. And so I'm used to having that gratification. I know, but you like me. I know. But this is the thing. You're like the guy in high school that was popular in high school and is still living in those days.

I mean, okay, you have it wrapped up as a guy, right? You have that. We know that. You know that, right? But it's like, but you still want to be Kelly, right? Maybe are you going to be, but you want to be Kelly like as you are like a guy, like the most popular or the most sought. That might not happen. And like, is that okay with you?

Are you looking for like sort of as your ego, like needing to be the best of the best? or you just be happy to be yourself, you know, and look as good as you can as Kelly. And that's what, maybe there's limitations to that. And maybe if you're more popular as a guy or better looking as a guy and it's not attainable to be that way as a woman, maybe your choice should be then to stay more as the guy

and maybe just do the Kelly thing on the side because maybe you will not be able to handle not being as good. But I think that when you're going towards being like the best of than when you talk about that, you're coming from like such a massive ego place, which I don't think the ego is a totally terrible thing. You need it, right? I'm always like, oh, it's the difference. There's some people that look good and people that don't.

But you almost, it's almost like too much. You're coming from too much of an ego place. And this whole experience and a transition, I think, should be much more about how you feel inside. The outside definitely matters. But when you're so attached to it, like you are. and how you sort of like try to stay more on that topic than anything else. I wonder, are you trying to avoid going deeper into this? And I think that this is a much deeper thing.

Absolutely. It's scary, you know. Totally. And that's why. Yeah. Being easy and it's not. Right. And so it's tough.

But I mean, you know, even something really quick, since you talked about it before, like the Caitlin Jenner thing, you know, like what really, really turned me off on her. was I am so firm on never judging others. I mean, just listening to your podcast shows me that there's so many different walks of life. And when I heard Caitlin Jenner on the Ellen DeGeneris Show, judge Ellen for being lesbian and she doesn't feel, which is odd because I would love to ask Caitlin Jenner, well, are you attracted to men or women? Because on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Caitlin said she doesn't think that lesbians and stuff like that is an okay thing.

like she thinks that's something that's wrong. And I just think that kind of turned. She said that? That's what she, my wife was watching and that's what she said that. Caitlin said she had a really difficult thing with. And that,

you know, I don't know the exact quotes or whatever, but I just, everything's that I kind of just, I still follow her on Facebook and all that. Okay, but listen to me. Okay. Listen to me.

Very funny. Okay, listen to me. When you, like, I think that there's like, like no different than like a book that you could pick up. that's like 300 pages like a self-help book. Like most of the time, whether it's a self-help book that you can learn from or a person

that inspires you, you're never going to like buy into 100% of whatever it is, whether it's that great book or that person, right? So I think Caitlin Jenner has some like sort of religious side and she struggles with that and that's like some sort of conflict she has with herself, right? And that's a part of her and it's very small. But she has a much larger voice than that. And she says a lot of other amazing. things and does a lot of other amazing things. And I think when people take one little part of somebody

and then dismiss everything else because of that one negative thing, I think that you do yourself in injustice because then you don't learn from that person. You don't have to buy into every single thing that Caitlin Jenner sort of dishes out. To me, that's like weird. You know what I mean? You don't have to follow anybody. No one's going to be 100%. Like you're never going to agree with anyone 100% because everybody is their own personal person. Like everyone's their own person. So who cares that she doesn't believe in lesbians or whatever it is? She's very much on your side.

She's very much your people. And I think her show was really great. And I think that the women that were on it with her were amazing. And I think you need to watch that show like homework for yourself and try to connect to that part of yourself and to the things that they try to get her to connect to, the deeper parts of being transgender, as opposed to the parts that you're sort of stuck on, which is like the surface stuff. And also the past of you being popular as a guy. I personally think, and I wish I would have brought this up earlier, but we're so late into the podcast, but I personally

think, but I don't think you're ready anyway. I personally think all this stuff that you sort of talk about is your way of like sort of keeping yourself from going deep. I think that there's deeper stuff going out with you. And I think that you have to go deep before you'll ever resolve these other issues that you want, before you'll ever feel okay with how you look as Kelly in the mirror. Doesn't matter how many people tell you. It's something that you need to resolve deeper in yourself. It's not about how you look on the outside. And like I said, I think you actually look great in that first picture. I didn't like the wig in the second picture. That would be my shallow advice to you.

Well, thank you. That's my most recent picture, so I appreciate it. Yeah, but I can't wait until the day that you call me up, and you want to go a little deeper. Okay, watch that whole Caitlin Jenner episode. You could DVR it or, you know, it's on demand. Just watch it and look and, like I said, you know, I don't know. There's something more going on with you.

And I think you're just starting your journey. And it's exciting. And I'm like, you know, curious to see where you'll be a couple months from now, you know, but try to get that appointment going. I don't want to show your pictures to my listeners. Like I said, I like to keep my show anonymous. And I don't want to open that up. Like I said, I think you should stop with the Craigslist stuff

and reaching out to strangers and focus more on stuff that you need to do for yourself. Well, thank you very, very much. Very odd way to have met you, but I appreciate it. And whether it's this one or any others, I always enjoy it. listening to your podcast and hope everybody takes your advice or whatever I didn't speak it because I appreciate it.

I'm so glad you called in Kelly. It was like awesome and I hope you start. I know you're interested in having your own podcast. I hope you do your own podcast sometime. I'll give you all the information when we're off the phone. Okay. Awesome.

Hey, thank you very, very much. Thanks for calling in. Talk to you soon. Uh-huh. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and e-book, but you can pre-order the audiobook. It's still not

going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a, Cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around.

You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audio book is available coming out August 25th. But you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it.

I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screen. screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the e-book, or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the Strictly Anonymous podcast.